Katie Holmes Sagging to Gomorrah

Tom Cruise looks like a fabulous million waxed dollars. Katie Holmes looks like it's time to activate the phone tree of friends to come say their final goodbyes. You can't even tell which one leads the far higher risk HIV life. It's likely Cruise reached the top of the ziggurat and obtained Xenu's book of black magic. He may be consuming Holmes' life force. Or just convincing her the no-bra look is popular. The...

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Katie Holmes Ass Cheeks in Directorial Debut

If you've been waiting for Katie Holmes to direct a movie about a desperate single mom, insightful tranny waitresses swapped into the traditional role of magical Negroes, and the fleecing of the working class in the subprime mortgage crisis of the late 2000's, save up your dough for a ticket to All We Had. From a novel by a chick sculptor beloved by Oprah, the movie is set to be huge among up to seventeen women who've...

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Tom Cruise Is Missing And Shit Around The Web

Reports coming out of dead-eyed Katie Holmes' camp claim that demented dwarf Tom Cruise hasn't seen his daughter Suri in over a year. Since he owns his own plane, a couple helicopters, and four rickshaw boys from the Canton province, it seems unlikely he's been unable to find transportation. Read all about Risky Business' shitty parenting. (TMZ) Martha Hunt is topless in a building just for you. (Egotastic) Gigi Hadid...read more

Jamie Foxx Stops the Games

If your buddy ever tells you he sucked a dick that one time in college he's either a liar or bad at it.People rarely change. Dudes buy Harleys because there's a chick out there with a go to fetish who's going to hate herself in the morning. That's why if you were married to a gay guy for a contractually obligated period of years in an effort to hoodwinkthe public that's pretty much the camp you're boxed into. Jamie...

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Jamie Foxx Porking Katie Holmes And Shit Around The Web

Rumors are flying that Jamie Foxx has been slipping it to Katie Holmes. It makes sense. Short and troubled might just be her type. Foxx has an Oscar so he probably gets the ass. I think that's Hollywood law. Read all about their boring love affair. (Huffington Post) Go on and give your undies a tug, you tease. (The Chive) Kylie Jenner is dumb as shit but I would still tap that. (TMZ) Heather Carr shows off her naked,...

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Katie Holmes Has No Regrets

Its the classic growing up story where a young lady gets pregnant by Kris Klein from American Pie and immediately marries a weird older guy with dark hair and a huge jaw so as to avoid any Blanket Jackson eyebrow raising. Holmes got married for casting opportunities, so its no surprise she isn't sweating having raised her kid in a totalitarian secret society while out now promoting a new movie. The really dark...

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Remember When We All Got Together to Not Photograph Kids?

I have pretty much every Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell high minded missive tattooed on my sleeve of awesome celebrity insights. I remember at the beginning of this year when the two headed vegan Bell-Shepard hydra bitch announced a boycott of all magazines that show pictures of celebrity kids. Jennifer Garner and Halle Berry and I think that woman who became a man but still had a baby on Oprah joined the protest,...

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Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world's children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn't around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie's too guilt ridden to...

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Katie Holmes in a Bikini Top Monitoring Suri

Being Suri's caretaker can be no simple task. Like the drastically underpaid job of Mrs. Blaylock ensuring that Damien is not hindered in his devilish prophecy. Somebody needs to cater to her every whim and want lest she unleash a freak hailstorm in Miami or cause soccer to finally be accepted in the U.S. or some other dastardly deed. It's enough to put wrinkles on your stomach. Fuck, there goes my New Year's...

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Katie Holmes Got Scientology Stomach

I guess all those years with Tom listening to his tortured lectures on why copulation between a man and woman was not meant to take place in this Fourth Galactic Cycle took its toll on Katie Holmes. Just look at those troubled tummy lines. Gandalf's brow is less furrowed. On the one hand, I can admire Katie for her stand against plastic surgery of any kind. On the other hand, I'd like to buy her a My Last Husband Was...

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Tom Cruise Sues the Shit Out of a Magazine

Some ladies gossip magazine wrote that Tom Cruise 'abandoned' his daughter Suri after Katie Holmes renounced Tom and Xenu in one fell swoop. So, Tom Cruise sued them for $50 million for defamation and libel and slander and everything else that means 'you hurt my feelings, now give me money'. But in the very first round of depositions, Tom admitted that he didn't see Suri for 110 days straight after the divorce. Tom...

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Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu's Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody...

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Katie Holmes On a Date

You can tell by looking at Katie Holmes on her lunch date that this dude is not getting any. It's not just the Amish granny at the buggy market outfit Katie picked out for her big date. It's not her rape-prevention stance. Or even the way she refuses to acknowledge that he's standing right next to her trying to sound interesting. But whatever virtual neutering Tom Cruise does to his wives, it seems to take a couple or...

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Katie Holmes Sideboob

When I see Katie Holmes boobs, I can't help but think of Tom Cruise not wanting to touch them, In a game of I Never, Tom Cruise would not have to drink when somebody said I've Never touched Katie Holmes tits before. That's convenient, because he doesn't take to the drink. Or boobs. Even if Xenu had commanded him to touch her fleshy bits, he'd probably lie to the galactic traveler and feign a paw in her general...

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Katie Holmes wants Joshua Jackson back

Katie Holmes has said that Joshua Jackson was her first true love, and he tells Us magazine that they recently talked on the phone for the first time in years, and now every girl who was 15 when ‘Dawsons Creek' was on just came in her pants. Jackson, 35, revealed that he recently received an out-of-the-blue call from his Dawson's Creek costar Holmes, now 33 and freshly divorced from Tom Cruise. "Like any old friend,...read more