Can Katy Perry's Shitty New Song Save the Shitty Summer Olympics? (VIDEO)

NBC has tapped Katy Perry's new familiar sounding single, Rise, as the official anthem of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. That means Universal footed the bill for the studio time to translate inspiring Amazing Race riffs into a pop song about overcoming obstacles, like masked gunmen or Zika you'd have to think. Metaphors are for cowards.

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Katy Perry Gets Her Convent

Katy Perry has managed to make a shit ton of money without ever showing her tits, not once, not ever. That should please the nuns, but it hasn't.The Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary who I believe once opened for Pantera, declined tosell their Los Felizconvent property to Katy Perry. Even after Perry proved to them her parents were Christian missionaries who had said tons of bad shit about the Jews. The sisters...

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Katy Perry Might Be JonBenet Ramsey

Everybody laughed at Drudgereport for a ridiculous story about a fat chick in a semen stained blue dress and at the National Enquirer for suggesting that they saw Presidential candidate front-runner John Edwards banging his campaign videographer in a Beverly Hills hotel while his wife was at home dying of cancer. It's not entirely impossible to follow the broken clock theory of dubious media outlet precision. There's...

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Katy Perry Dazed And Confused At The Golden Globes

Give Katy Perry the benefit of the doubt and assume she was super fucking high at the Golden Globes. The other option is retarded but I'm told that's not a diagnosis based on who you're fucking. This may be the closest she's ever come to being perfect. Her big tits dangling in an ill-fitting dress as she traversed the paranoia spectrum assuring herself nobody noticed her tripping. DiCaprio was seen vaping, but he's...

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Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid And Alessandra Ambrosio Getting Paid

Fashion Week separates the wheat from the chaff. It's all fun and games to pretend you're hot at 5'1" with an obscenely plumped up bottoms and titties, but when these fashion houses are plunking down millions to sell simply stunning variations of the same shit they've all been selling for years, that's when the body shaming begins for real. Haute couture doesn't tolerate a fat ass. Tall, slender, and can you more

Katy Perry Massive Handprints

Somebody who deserves a lot more respect than he's receiving this morning convinced Katy Perry she had to get on all fours to dip her hands into cement in front of the Chinese Theater. Beautiful people were gathered in gowns forthepremiere of a fashion documentary nobody will ever see but will be deemed a success for how much fun was had making it. Katy Perry makesstupid faces when paparazzitake her picture in public....

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Katy Perry Seems Bored

Katy Perry seems like she finished what she came here to do. Make a buttload of cash as Raffi with tits. The ongoing fake Twitter feud between Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Perry speaks to Perry's dispassion. She couldn't even drum up reasonably feigned outrage. Raffi refused to take a Baby Beluga movie deal on moral grounds. You've sucked in anything green and on paperlike anF5hooker tornado. You could buy your...

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Katy Perry Is Rich

Katy Perry made the cover of Forbes magazine because she raked $135 million in earnings the past twelve months from live performances, music sales, commercial endorsements, and taking in neighbors' laundry at seventeen cents per pound. Perry noted that many women in the past have shied away from taking the Forbes cover for rich ass celebrities because they felt it might look like flaunting or bragging, while she owns...

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Katy Perry's Flower Problems And Shit Around The Web

Katy Perry pissed off commie officials in China by wearing a stupid looking dress made out of sunflowers. Apparently sunflowers are the symbol of some anti-government protest group in China called the Runflowers. Yeah, screw you. Read all about this international floral incident. (Huffington Post) Barbara Streisand's bitch bit a flight attendant. (TMZ) Lais Rebeiro is wearing a whole lot of not much lingerie. (...

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Katy Perry Big Boobs Nom Nom

Katy Perry kept her promise to her parents. Yes, the part about exposing the Jewish conspiracy to defile the world's currencies, but also the oath to never expose her heaving tits to become famous. If the world could be filled with more women who incessantly tease for cash, what a heaven on earth this would could be. You were married to Russell Brand. You've done your penance. Photo Credit: Gettyread more

Katy Perry Gives Out Her Phone Number

Katy Perry had to change her phone number after she posted an annoying video of her dog on Instagram. Turns out the dog's tag had Perry's phone number on it and her fans are dangerous creeps with control shift plus command control. Perry'sphone was flooded with calls from poorarea codes so she knew something was up. Perry admits her assistant takes care of the dog so it's weird she would want her own number on the...

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The Super Bowl Owns You

Everything that does not involve the snap of the football at the Super Bowl is some kind of hyper inflated dreck. From the morose commercials intimating if you don't have the right insurance your honor studentwill drown in a small puddle left in the bathtub to Bob Costas re-purposing his grandiose Olympics poetry for the unheralded yard marker guy or the panoramicOaxacanfront yardthat is Phoenix. I get it, just a week...

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Katy Perry Is Fucking John Mayer Again And Shit Around The Web

Katy Perry is once again playing the part of beard to John Mayer. She's one in a long line of women he has used to convince people that he isn't queerer than a football bat. Read all about their sham of a relationship. (Dlisted) Candice Swanepoel shows off her lingerie goodies for St. Valentine's Day. (Egotastic) Johnny Manziel gets into a drink throwing match at a Houston club like a little bitch. (TMZ) In case you...

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I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you're popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don't do anything more

Katy Perry Wins a Vaunted Aria

Katy Perry skipped the American Music Awards earlier this week because she was winning an even bigger award in Australia, the rake of half a mill a night in appearance fees. Also, the Australians made up some kind of accolate to give her since they know they have to try just a little harder to get the cool people to come to their parties because they live so far away. Katy Perry was pretty much the only person not to...

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