Lindsay Lohan Can't Have Nice Things

Lindsay Lohan seemed settled down with a young wealthy Russian man who believed in her creatively and as important, supported her financially. Somebody left the keys to the liquor cabinet out and everything went to hell.

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Lindsay Lohan Swimsuit On A Yacht

Lindsay Lohan credits her new underaged Russian boyfriend with everything from inspiring her to get back into acting to eradicating her herpes with Stoli shooters and Eastern black magic. Less credited is his willingness to front recreational drug money and stay mum on how Lohan's several years past going braless on a moving watercraft.read more

Lindsay Lohan Embraces Allah

Lindsay Lohan is converting to Islam. The burqa should prevent accidental views ofher sun and booze ravagedcleavage. It was like walking in on your grandma in the shower. Lohan was observedtoting a Quran while doing community service, proving that even superwhite people who go to jail eventually become Muslims. No word yet on whether she got her GED or befriended a black guy with a crocheted taqiyah. When asked about...read more

Lindsay Lohan's Parents Unite Around Rich Boyfriend

Lindsay Lohan may beengaged to a wealthy kid from RussiawhereMean Girls is still the number one movie on Pirate Bay. Lohan's parents canceled snorting and drinking and beating the crap out of each other for one evening of detente to express their mutual affection for 22-year oldEgor Tarabasov who they've never met in person. That can't be an unintentional oversight. Michael Lohan: He has a lot of strong connections in...

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Lindsay Lohan Boobs And Shit Around The Web

Lindsay Lohan still looks decent from above the waist and below the neck when her tits are visible. It's a start. Or a finish, depending how they chart that phenomenon in rehab. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was hot? (Taxi Driver) Tom Cruise moves in with the dark lord Xenu. (Last Men On Earth) Eliza Cummings is topless in Marie Claire Italy. (Egotastic All-Stars) Imogen Thomas sports a purple bikini. (Egotastic) Is it...read more

Britney Spears Black Lingerie

Britney Spears has been posting dark brooding pictures of herself in in her underwear again. She looks like a bat. Or a crazy person who thinks she's a bat. This is precisely the kind of evidence her dad uses against her in court to keep the Vegas dollars flowing directly to his PayPal. Something's about to break. Ask now if she's trying to impress Jodie Foster. She looks good. Somebody's already dead. Photo Credit:...read more

Lindsay Lohan Calls on the Forces of Dead Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou was the poet of super lazy people. A Nike slogan writer for the largely unread. Death was no end for Angelou Pablum. Re-postersof her shlock continue to feed at the trough. Lindsay Lohan reached for a little Angelou in time of Twitter beef. It's like the Gatlin gun in old Westerns. The fight is now over. Jennifer Lawrence invoked Lindsay Lohan's name in a metaphor to describe how tired she's been lately,...

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Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

In her first magazine appearance in over a year, Lindsay Lohan modeled for a series of blown out bikini pictures in NoTofu magazine. That's No Tofu. Wait a few minutes. Somebody back at HQ rotated the brightness and contrast buttons until Lohan looked less fat. Or visible to the naked eye. The images meet the proof of life standards that keeps Lindsay's creditors from filing final paperwork. In this era when so many...

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Lindsay Lohan Suffers From Coincidence

Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself in 60's garb on Instagram citing her love of Sharon Tate. Tate being the ingenue actress who Charles Manson family members stabbed to death while eight months pregnant in her home. Lohan posted the photo yesterday on Charles Manson's birthday which Lohan defenders are claiming is purely unfortunate coincidence. Sort of the way her mom coincidentally borrowed the one purse where...

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Lindsay Lohan Mus Musculus

Lindsay Lohan gears up for Halloween around mid-March after she wakes up from New Year's. It's a brutal schedule, but Halloween is her favorite holiday. In her newly adopted home of London she went as a mouse you might like to fuck after a couple or three spiked ciders. Lohan got heavily into character and ate nothing but moldy cheese out of the dumpsters where she slept for seven weeks leading up to the evening. It's...

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Lindsay Lohan's Freckly Nips And Shit Around The Web

There was a time when Lindsay Lohan was considered desirable. She was probably underaged then now that I think about it. Now she looks like a freckled purse with tits. So, you'd still do here, you just wouldn't brag to your friends. Look upon her nipples if you dare. (Drunken Stepfather) Marcela Vivian sports some see-through lingerie. (Last Men On Earth) Behold Julia Nobis' naked titties. (Egotastic All-Stars) Rose...

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Lindsay Lohan Catty

Lindsay Lohan started Gatling Gunning out topless photos of herself so her anorexic little sister wouldn't hog all the New York media ink for booking her first modeling gig. Congratulations. You're 21. Given that you've done nothing before this other than deny yourself food and wish your parents into an alternate dimension, you've officially spent 21 years landing a part-time job. That might earn you an inspiring...read more

Lindsay Lohan in A Bikini

Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn't sound so idyllic when HSV's one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre will be by on Tuesday. Next comes an air drop of Donatella Versace's vivisected skin...read more

Lindsay Lohan Moving To London, Again

Every few months Lindsay Lohan announces how much she loves London because she can spell it and the cool air is good for her open leg wounds and how she might move there permanently. I think she's waiting for somebody to say please don't go. Mostly everybody is just trying to figure out how to change the locks on America's door in case she changes her mind. Never make a threat you don't intend to carry out. Also,...

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Lindsay Lohan Addicted to Freezing

Lindsay Lohan returned to the cryo tank to freeze herself back to only semi-lividity. If applied properly, the negative Kelvin temperatures of the chamber can alleviate joint pain and cause your poor decisions of the last ten years to disappear. Imagine the joy on Greasy Bear's face when a decade's worth of cocaine reappears in his gym bag. Adam Levine, that tingle in your scrote is your spooge returning. Stick it in...read more