Mariah Carey Billionaire Sex on a Boat

The upside of being a multi-millionaire is you can get as fat as you want. The downside is you have to go back to skipping meals when hooking a billionaire. The price you pay for climbing.read more

Mariah Carey Feathers Blac Chyna (VIDEO)

If you've ever been to a Vegas show and buy into a spur of the moment decision by the entertainer to bring a seemingly unaware volunteer up on stage, you're being duped. On the same level as the girl you called to come dance in your room who says she needs to bring her friend along because they're sharing an Uber. Every single moment of these big budget shows are staged and timed and rehearsed. Roy knew precisely when...read more

Mariah Carey Purple Mountains Majesty

Mariah Carey's lip-synch and girdle tour has reached South Africa. It's spreading in reverse order of your more common pandemics. The singer is making waves for demanding that the scenic backdrop for her concert performance in Cape Town be lit up in purple to honor Prince and his prescription painkiller overdose.

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Mariah Carey One of Prince's Many Dear Friends

Genius, legend, inspiration, friend. The world will miss you. I'll never get over it. For a recluse, Prince had a shitload of really dearfriends. All torn to piece pieces and unable to form sentences. If you've ever been auto-tuned to a Dr. Luke simplistic bridge, Prince wasyour brother and best friend. Like Mariah Carey and her nipples in Paris. You wouldn't have known the extent of Prince's massive circle of...read more

Mariah Carey No Touch

Mariah Carey's team has strictly warned VIP ticket buyers on her current British tour that you are not to touch Mariah Carey in any way when in her proximity. Easily excitable people who shell out three months of rent money get the chance to see Mariah smile and walk through a room and cure them of intestinal polyps with just her gaze. She may touch you if she wishes. She won't. Any man who's ever been to a strip club...

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Mariah's World Is Nigh

Because E! has more low achievingwomen and gay men in their audience than they have hours of programming to feed them, they announced the upcoming launch of a Mariah's World, an eight part series getting to know the real Mariah. If you were on the fence about the fake Mariah, this should solve your dilemma. Mariah Carey refuses to call the program a reality show, insisting that it's not about watching her get her...

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Mariah Carey Family Grubbing

Mariah Carey's been taking shit in the papers from her brother for being cold and heartless and not sharing her serious music cash with her siblings. Morgan Carey told the U.K. Sun that his sister was an evil witch who wouldn't even put up a dime for the surgery her younger sister Alison with The AIDS needs to keep being AIDSy. It is so tragic that while she is out flashing her big diamond ring to anyone who will pay...

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Mariah Carey For Love And Money

Mariah Carey's publicity team keeps shitting out 'anonymous insider' quotes about how amazingly in love Carey is with James Packer, the rich Australian mark who bought her a 35-karat diamond engagement ring. The Mottola hummer netted Carey an entry level recording contract. What's on the menu for a stone described in ounces? I'd make her let the kids watch whatever the answer. Love is nothing if not tested. Mariah's...

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Mariah Carey Loves a Parade

It's not clear when Mariah Carey became the symbol of Christmas in America. Somebody got to inflating her up on Madison and 82nd in the staging area for the Macy's Day Parade and there she came down the route waving and singing something pre-taped several weeks ago in a steam bath. In the past few years Mariah has gone from a sex symbol to your grandma who pulls out that low cut dress once a year just to experience...

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Mariah Carey Tits of War

Athletes, entertainers, the long term incarcerated for crimes against children, all need to contemplate what comes after the prime of their career. So long as lonely war app game players admire Photoshopped tits, Mariah Carey will be heralding their newest form of non-physical activity related entertainment. Lost your voice? No problem. That's what recording libraries are for. Give us a day and we'll give you ten...

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Mariah Carey Gets A Star

Mariah Carey laid down seductively along Hollywood Boulevard as seismologists at Cal Tech traced their pencils over the peak lines and declared a 4.3. Carey deserved her star. Even before they started passing them out to every chick who had the hot pop song of the summer or was in the latest Marvel movie. Mariah Carey earned her fame the old fashioned way.She came to town on a bus, hustledfor big fake tits money, and...

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Mariah Carey Nipple Slips Out of Containment

The technology that went into Mariah Carey's all-terrain fat containment suit wasn't even available just five years ago. It's how we're going to keep diabetic soda kids from going comatoseon future trips to Mars. Still you directtoo many psi into the muffin area and a tit is going to squirt out of containment. A convenient coincidence when you're forty-five and trying to look cool in front of your new rich Australian...

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J-Lo Can't Sit Through Mariah And Shit Around The Web

The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey's performance at the Billboard Music Awards.The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you're watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise. See the incriminating photo. (TMZ) Holly Graves will capture your hearts with some amazing sideboob and thong shots. (Egotastic)...read more

2015 Billboard Music Awards Had to Happen

Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he'd make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched the Billboard music awards. Kanye was booed by the upper deck and his mom in heaven because he refused to splurge on the platinum lipo package. Mariah Carey was so tightly cinched her head threatened to go Scanners....

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Leon's Getting Larger

The Mariah Carey combustion clock edged another minute closer to midnight. Carey has some fleeting amount of time left in between the loss of her once impressive pipes and the moment earnest college students pour buckets of sea water over her to keep her from suffocating. Being a wealthy lady let who lets it all go won't be so bad. You can eat and breathe and disappear the staff that make fat jokes to Chinese body...

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