Black Widow Laments More Women Don't Have Amazing Box Office Breasts

Scarlett Johansson was named to a largely bogus list of top box office grossing stars in Hollywood, the only woman in the Top 10. The Box Office Mojo list is based upon the ticket take of all the movies you've appeared in, not necessarily starred in, so it's mostly bad science. As a for instance, Michael Caine gets credited with The Dark Knight cumulative for playing Alfred. Any old British person would do. As in most...read more

Scarlett Johansson Highest Grossing Actress Ever

Scarlett Johansson just cracked the Top 10 of all time highest grossing actors and feminists everywhere are ignoring this in order to dedicate more time to making cartoon characters scissor. The list is a bit misleading because it doesn't adjust for inflation or how many dudes you blew to get the part.read more

Scarlett Johansson Robot DTF

Engineer Ricky Ma has createda functioning robot that looks a shit ton like Scarlett Johansson. It's unclear if the robot has any utilitarian purpose or if Ma is just showing off the fact that he's Asian. If you can't imagine why a lonely servo motor nerd would build a life size Scarlett robot that obeys his every command , it's time to break out your Tori Amos cassette and a box cutter. Ma's first commands enable the...read more

Mr. Scarlett Disappoints

Scarlett Johansson moved on from Ryan Reynolds to marry a Ryan Reynolds doppelgänger scrubbed through a European metrosexual sieve.Upon their wedding, her husbandRomain Dauriactattooed the phrase 'Lost Illusion' on his body. Imagine his answer to what the means in a thick French accent and now imagine you're not punching him in the kidney. He's an art aficionado who prefers loafers without socks and has a zeal for...

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Scarlett Johansson Perfect Greek Body

Taking a respite from their obsession with all things cock, the ancient Greeks invented what they referred to as the golden ratio of the female body based on tit to waist to hip measurements. It's like the old 36-24-26 bit but with real math that makes it less fun. A British lingerie company ran a bunch of celebrity measurements through the formula and discovered Scarlett Johansson most approximated the golden ratio....read more

Scarlett Johansson Looks Happy to Be Pregnant

If Scarlett Johansson were my Jewish daughter, I'd sit her down and tell her after reportedly banging Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, failing to be married to Ryan Reynolds, and doinking Sean Penn, it's time to find a nice accountant her own age and settle down. That's both horrible stereotyping and awesome life advice. Instead, Scarlett went Door #3 and got knocked up by a French journalist who wears leggings in...

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Scarlett Johansson Is Savvy

Scarlett Johansson is pretty smart. She managed to carefully navigate a response to being called out in Dylan Farrow's 'I Got Fondled And Nobody Gives a Shit' letter as one of the actors who should be ashamed to be working with Woody Allen. Scarlett called upon a politician's two best friends in her response: casual lying and double speak. "I'm unaware that there's been a backlash. I think he'll continue to know what...read more

Scarlett Johansson Topless Bottomless Really Damn Blurry

I'm not sure why Scarlett Johansson is so blurry, maybe she's sad. This movie Under the Skin will likely be as boring as the rest of Scotland, no offense to Scotland, naturally. There are worse things than boring. Look at France. But who's not going to pay attention to Scarlett Johansson buck naked. She plays an alien seductress who wears a horrible brunette wig and then likes to get nude in very poor lighting to...read more

Scarlett Johansson's Tits Are Pregnant

Soon, Scarlett Johansson will be bringing new life into this world with her French boyfriend Jean Valjean or something like that. While most people voted for Scarlett not to get pregnant so they could continue masturbating to her old body, they probably didn't consider how much bigger her already big tits would get. Just look at her on the red carpet. She almost makes me want to pay $12 to watch Chris Evans try to...read more

Scarlett Johansson Is Five Months Pregnant

Scarlett Johansson is planning to marry her fiancé Romain Dauriac in September, but their family is apparently going to start a few months before then. According to reports, Scarlett is five months pregnant with her first child, and everyone assumes that it's Romain's kid because they're engaged, but who knows if she ran into Benicio Del Toro in any elevators back in November? The actress recently revealed that she...

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Scarlett Johansson Resigns Her Ambassadorship

I didn't even know Scarlett Johansson was an ambassador. Apparently, she was, and a Global Ambassador to boot, for Oxfam, which is kind of complicated organization to explain, so let's just call it rich white people trying to save kids from drinking poo water in Bangladesh and other places equally as hellish. When Oxfam has free time from their poo water cleanup projects, they also get into hating on Israel and...

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Scarlett Johansson Turns 29, Here Are Her Boobs

Everybody is using Scarlett Johansson's birthday today as an excuse to show a bunch of pictures of her big ole boobs. I skipped Acai berries and that whole 'get in shape' thing during the last decade, I'll be damned if I'm missing out on this trend. Scarlett's having a big year. She got engaged to some French dude who runs an urban art magazine (read as: family money) and Esquire named her Sexiest Woman Alive. I'm not...

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Scarlett Johansson Named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive

Maxim so lowered the bar with their Miley Cyrus Is the Most Attractive Creature Walking This Planet back alley abortion that I can't bring myself to ridicule Esquire for their Scarlett Johansson nod. This superlatives whacking contest is just a time honored tradition for selling magazines in the old world economy of print journalism. Call me old fashioned but I go by the old standard of 'Would you throw this woman out...

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Scarlett Johansson Has Big Boobs

It's never a good idea to quiz a woman on her previous relationships. A man takes what he can get in this world and ever looks forward. If you start investigating shit from the past, you're only going to ruin a good thing, or ruin a bad thing, either way, you're going to be getting laid less. Still, there's going to be that moment when you're kissing Scarlett Johansson's big ole boobs and she blurts out, that's where...

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Scarlett Johansson Sexy Cellphone Pic

It was just a couple years ago that Scarlett Johansson's attorney was threatening to sue the shit out of everybody and their mother if they shared her nude cellphone pictures. Scarlett was so shaken up, she started having sex with Sean Penn. No woman should ever have to feel that low. Now, Scarlett's made a return to social media to share her own sexy self picture. Because that's just how celebrities are. They want...

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