Selena Gomez Goes Deep (VIDEO)

Selena Gomez has something on her mind. It's been stewing while she put words to her thoughts. It's like watching Russians try to karaoke Blinded by the Light. Gomez welled up with tears in Jakarta as she spoke to kindness and the human condition on stage. Her fans screamed because hearing her speak so guilelessly enhanced the youthful quality so many love to tug to in the evenings after prayers. After the concert,...

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If the 4th of July Means Anything, It Means Tits and Shit Around the Web

There's not a single sacred American holiday that can't be translated into a reason for hot chicks to show off their tits in undersized bikinis. This either makes us the greatest nation on the planet, or the worst. I know how the Indonesians would vote.read more

Selena Gomez in A Bikini

When resources run tight in the future because we subsidized far too many Mayan art and gender studies college educations, we can use social media follows lists as a smart means of culling the herd. Selena Gomez just passed Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, and Rihanna for the single most followed digital age golden calf on Instagram. 75 million followers. Those can't all be real, but real enough where it counts, being...read more

Selena Gomez in A Bikini for GQ

Selena Gomez has decided she no longer cares what people think about her. Like a drunk or an asshole or a drunken asshole. Gomez claims she's had to live her life since being a child actress with people constantly chiming in with their opinions. Sort of like if you had parents who weren't afraid to confront you because you were supporting the entire family. I chose this. So I'm not gonna sit here and say, ''Oh, my...read more

Selena Gomez Seduced by Swift

The role Taylor Swift plays in the life of her all-female friends is to convince them to dump their loser boyfriends. According to HollywoodLife which takes quotes from publicists and frames them as exclusive insider stories, Swift wants Selena Gomez to excommunicate Justin Bieber entirely and forever. Swift didn't like how Bieber disrespected Selena Gomez at the iHeart Radio Awards. She made no mention of the fact...read more

Selena Gomez Grabbed and Kissed at London Train Station

You had one job, security. Keep a dude with facial piercings from assaulting America's sweetheart. There are no guns in Britain because Marquess of Queensberry rules demand that blokes battle by way of jabs to the scapula. But they did invent the billy club to beat the shit out of coal miners who complained about their coughs. That's my teen daughter. We are not amused. First blow to the back of the knees, boys. Photo...read more

Selena Gomez Babe In Paris

Selena Gomez looks like she got drunk with her middle school friends and stole her mom's clothes for dress up. If her mom worked the hustle in Topeka. I pictured what her tits look like then instinctively reported myself to the police. I was the nineteenth caller with the same issue. There's only one way to experience a hairless woman in Paris. The Germans are always just over the ridge. Be quick about it, Jean...

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2016 Grammy Awards the 49th Best Grammy Awards Ever

Grammy's music is akin to grabbing the iPod of a random teen girl chewing bubble gum and pressing shuffle play. You throw in a desperate attempt to feature every single black person in the recording industry into the mix and you have crappy Seacrest radio play music enveloped by an African motif. The Lion King celebrated the dark continent less than the 2016 Grammy's. Some old people came on to tribute even older dead...read more

Gigi Hadid Underboob For Love Magazine

Gigi Hadid is the Hadid sister who doesn't have celebrity lyme disease. She's carrying zika. Maybe ebola. Something topical that's absolutely not herpes from the not-gay one in One Direction. Her underboobs look exactly like the underboobs of her sister two days ago. You wouldn't even know which one of them is dying. Which one is it again? There was never going to be enough to send both girls to rehab. This just makes...read more

Selena Gomez in A Bikini

At some point the music industry will admit that Selena Gomez looks like a 12-year old Tijuana boy hustling both sides of the street. Not today. Not with Photoshop and glitter. If you can curb eighteen inches from around Khloe's thorax, you can make Selena Gomez look salacious to more than just the local male librarian volunteer who obsesses over the idea of fucking the local Little League star. Is that you Benny the...read more

Selena Gomez And Chloe Moretz Bikini In "Neighbors 2" And Shit Around The Web

The first Neighbors movie was a steaming pile of dog shit. But the sequel bodes to be better because Selena Gomez and Chloe Moretz run around in skimpy bikinis reciting lines.It's like porn, minus the best parts. So, not as good. Or maybe I'll just watch the bikini outtakes on YouTube. (Last Men On Earth) Lissy Cunningham unleashes her jugs for Page 3. (Egotastic All-Stars) Frida Aasen is steamy in lingerie for Love...read more

Selena Gomez Stalks In Lingerie

Somebody in marketing got the bright idea to migrate the Selena Gomez brand into sexual thrill seeker persona. It's like watching your friend's kids sister try on heels for the first time. There's something about a grade schooler homaging 9 1/2 weeks that makes everybody feel like the dad from Seventh Heaven with the only secret Jesus never forgives. Isn't it enough that she's a beautiful singer? Sorry, I had to. Not...

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Jingle Ball Season Is Good for Light Skinned Minorities

Jingle Ball is the generic name used by the tour of pop radio station hosted concerts around the country in December. If you have a daughter or you're a pedophile you probably know the schedule. The tiny former Disney teen actresses fronting the shows typically have their headsets and pre-recorded tracks and elaborate stage shows involving ethnically mixed light skinned twinks. There's something naughty but extremely...

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Lingerie Clad Angels For Victoria's Secret 2015 Fashion Show

There's got to be that one moment of self-consciousness when standing in your underwear on national television and thinking, I could've been a nanny to a well off family in Paraguay or maybe an assistant media professor at Mizzou. Maybe when you're so stupid hot you just think, damn, I look amazing and everybody wants to fuck me, and that envelops you like a warm blanket. This has to be depressing for women who can't...

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Selena Gomez No Bra for #NoBraDay

Hashtags are a sign you've officially surrendered any meaningful action. Maybe three years ago you could take a new hashtag to the social standing points bank and get a stuffed kitten. That was ten thousand General Mills cereal hashtags ago. The breast cancer awareness people invented #NoBraDay to celebrate women's tits, which is actually worth celebrating. Also breast cancer awareness. Celebrate that with less joy...

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