By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:21 AM
British reality star Casey Batchelor just had her tits reduced from grotesquely large to a mere cartoonishly large. She took her ass in a bikini to Dubai to show the wealthy gentlemen of the region how a woman with with a mere double-E’s can still look ladylike. I’m not sure who the fuck still picks the Middle East as a vacation destination. I realize that not all countries in the region are war torn capitals of beheadings and tire burnings. Just most. If I knew nine of the thirteen Canadian provinces were drowning children in pools of maple syrup and Labatt’s Blue for refusing to sing Leafs’ fight songs, I’d probably cancel my next pussy hunting trip with Rob Ford. Big tits give you power, but they also make you reckless.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:08 AM
You’ve got 300,000 people marching in New York City because a cyclist standing at the edge of Battery Park might get his Shimanos wet in 2147. Meanwhile Victoria Silvstedt is roaming the streets of Gotham this very day prepared to take down another wealthy old fat midget. We can find more bicycle riders to stare out wistfully over New York Harbor and dream of a world with no cars. Short fat wealthy guys are what makes our American economy function. We keep letting Victoria Silvstedt and her starfish like everted vagina pick these key midgets off, our entire monetary system could collapse. If Jeremy Renner ran the Fed, he’d do what has to be done.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
I bet Taullulah Willis didn’t tell her rehab counselors her transition back to unsupervised life began with a incestuous topless mistress leather photo shoot with her sister in New York. Lindsay Lohan figured out by the third rehab that you tell the doctors you’re going to move-in with your stable Aunt Helen and read books and do nothing but be the best you you can be for the next three months. You don’t need Oprah getting on your shit. I think there’s some ancient Chinese proverb about two Willis jaws meeting and the earth ending in a volcano of fire. Running would be useless at this point, but I’d still recommend looking away so it’s not the last thing you see before the molten core goes blooey.
Photo Credit: Todd Pendu
By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 8:51 AM
The People’s Climate March took place in New York City over the weekend in an effort to thwart our planet’s pending doom. I can’t remember exactly when we all go underwater and get eaten by irate polar bears, but I think it’s next March. Don’t fall for renewing any baseball season tickets. Just look at what happens to AT&T Park in this completely predictable artist-rendered happenstance of ocean levels rising by just twelve feet while we watch our fancy TVs and microwave our popcorn. Your pretty waterfront park won’t seem so pretty when home plate is flooded beneath a pool of shame and regret.
Nothing says a true march of the people more than when Al Gore shows up with a pre-printed placard, alongside the U.N. Secretary General and the wealthy foreign minister of France and they all discuss how the melting polar ice cap might affect their Cayman Island bank accounts. Of course, the polar ice caps are growing, but don’t tell that to the children holding random doomsday and Kill Israel signs on the backs of their parents. I believe the children our are future. Also, currently, they are the most knowledgable global climate scientists we have.
You can never go wrong betting against the doomsdayers. They’re 0-for-the past several thousands years and running.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 6:21 AM
Gabrielle Union says she’s calling the FBI over her leaked nude photos. She insists they were private keepsakes meant for just her and Dwyane Wade and maybe Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife if he chose to show them to her to taunt her about the hot new celebrity pussy he was getting. I’m sure a top level agent at the Hoover Building is handling all the late night calls from celebrities. The Feds must have read Gabrielle and Dwyane’s impressive joint statement on their hate crime attack:
I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide.
Only by matching public relations forces could they come up with comparing the leaking of Gabrielle showing off her tits in the bathroom to the institutionalized rape and subjugation of millions. I remember when a kid in sixth grade gym pantsed me in front of some girls. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Armenian genocide. I wish System of a Down had been there to play me out of the gym.
Gabrielle’s next letter should be to the leading celebrity media outlets wondering why her name wasn’t mentioned in any of their celebrity hacked photo stories today. Now that’s some racist child victimizing shit right there.
By Lex September 21, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
The outraged Olympics are about to begin again in Hollywood. Every reasonably attractive celebrity who ever filmed themselves fingering their clam is about to let their better educated press agents climb the soapbox under their banner. I can only imagine the outrageously pointed Tweet coming from Lena Dunham who will sweepingly denounce 175 million gawkers as rapists, while secretly lamenting why no man ever stands in her virtual window at night manipulating his sexual organs.
Until such time as all these people awake, the celebrity rags who serve as their ass-dwelling minions shall stand in their place. InTouch already has a piece out about the “horrific: nude photo hacks plaguing Kim Kardashian, no stranger to such violations as in her 2007 virtual assault via the leaked Ray J tape. If by assault they mean Kim’s mom negotiated the rights deal to Vivid for a billion dollars and a chance to show her father Satan she could become more famous than he, then yes. I’m not even so sure Kim and her illicit band of truth hackers didn’t leak these latest photos herself into the latest Fappening event. Are you telling me some hacker got access to the Kim Kardashian vault of private selfies of the past decade and only found two rather nicely posed flattering nude photos of Kim? That’s like a Soviet spy having a weekend unfettered in the Pentagon and coming back with only some U.S. Army stationery. I call bullshit. Nevertheless, seeing as how the Kardashians are Kasparoving seventeen moves ahead, expect one of the most self-righteous attacks ever on the sanctity of the personal titty photos.
Universal disclaimer: It’s still wrong to steal other people’s shit. Stop your hacking now, hacking bandits. Though, on the off chance you just can’t help yourselves, maybe some Jessica Alba’s and that chick who’s on Agents of Shield?
** If you’re a virtual privacy rapist with no shame and you hate your mother, you can see Kim’s naked leaked photos HERE.
By Lex September 20, 2014 @ 9:44 PM
Way to fuck up my Saturday night. But, hell, for a chance to see Hope Solo wizard sleeves that even Gandalf would find overblown, not to mention disgusting, I can put down the absinthe.
Another round of celebrity photos borrowed from the iCloud which runs about as safe as those old Western banks Butch and Sundance used to rob with a smile was dispersed onto the Internet via the Chans and Reddit re-feeds today. I had thought the FBI was going whole hog after these insidious hacker beasts who are revealing the last inch of skin on these celebrities they don’t already show themselves on social media. Still, it’s rude. Let’s all admit it’s wrong too. A bloody flagellation couldn’t hurt either to cleanse our souls of the sin of stolen tits.
Here’s what I saw. Emily Ratajkowski has amazing tits and likes to finger her pink. Lake Bell has equally amazing tits and if one more person calls her butterface I’m going to Ray Rice them in an elevator. Who cares. Vanessa Hudgens is emotionally incapable of learning a lesson about taking naked photographs of herself. Gabrielle Union is over 40 but her tits don’t look a day over 35. Hope Solo could use an hour of the Epilady around the anus. Kaley Cuoco is not as be-all end-all as nerds think. I have no clue who AJ Michalka is, but she could earn a quick million from an Arab emirate who loves to titty fuck. And, finally Kim Kardashian almost certainly leaked her own topless selfies just to be part of the media blitz.
That’s not a bad Saturday night. Certainly better than the Sunday morning whence will come the horrific rants about the end of the world since in 2014 men suddenly started unwanted peeking girls in the shower. If nothing else, Sarah Lawrence gets some new inter-sessions hot seminar topics so this works out well.
Like I wouldn’t give you the fucking links. I’m not your high school girlfriend reveling in your blue balls.
Looks like almost the entire set on DrunkenStepfather (Now Gone)
And Kim Kardashian and others also here on DS
Some on Reddit
More on private Fappening subs
Don’t blame me when they go dark because you were too slow. I’ll update as I can. Which means not soon. I’m not your fucking Internet butler.
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 1:02 PM
The Booty music video breaks new ground by doing nothing other than showing Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea twerking their oiled down asses while some auto-tuned sound maker repeats the word booty. It’s actually kind of genius. Pretending pop stars can sing has always been a major boner kill. It’s like pretending your CES hooker cares about your new streaming music player. Enjoying these pop stars more simply as ass-fat injected sex objects designed almost entirely for smoking cigarettes seductively and fucking, that’s so much simpler. Booty eliminates any obligation to shake your head to the music, pretend you know any words, or ignore the fact that Jennifer Lopez is tone deaf. It’s just a little ditty about using your big shitter to please your man. I see this is as progress. When Lopez and Azalea complete the Booty trilogy with Spank and Finger Rape, this entire opus will come fully into perspective.