Ray Rice Is Killing Jobs

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

Ted-Robinson-at-the-US-Open

If you’re a public figure and you have something to say about Ray Rice other than ‘that motherfucker should hang, peace out’, you ought shut the fuck up if you want to keep your job. Ted Robinson, the radio broadcaster for the 49ers and U.S Open tennis guy, is the latest to take a rip and a two-week suspension for suggesting that Janay Rice might ought have conduced herself differently in the Ray Rice saga. You might as well asked Senator McCarthy ought we not consider the positive benefits of Communism during one of his Congressional hearings.

As with most of these suspension worthy comments, Robinson didn’t mention anything about Ray Rice being innocent or a good guy or framed or being unfairly tarnished or that his girlfriend deserved to be punched or that hitting women was okay or that we ought to ignore domestic abuse. Nope. He said Janay Rice should’ve come out right away and given a full and honest account of just how badly Ray hit her instead of standing by her Raging Bull and then marrying him. Not because Ted Robinson is an asshole, he might be, I don’t know. But because he believes this is the way to send the clearest message against domestic abuse and avoid unnecessary fallout.

However, anything remotely associated with blaming the victim calls for the claxons of hysteria to be unleashed. Even though, and here goes my own job for two weeks, Janay’s post-beating commitment to Ray Rice and unwillingness to see him punished or prosecuted clearly led to a lack of aggressive legal charges or NFL league punishments.

Political correctness really is a vile thing. Please don’t tell anybody I said that.  I’m too handsome for Orwellian prison.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Petra Nemcova Is Braless

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Petra Nemcova Braless Poses With Candles In NYC
Everybody hot is selling something during Fashion Week. Petra Nemcova is selling candles by way of her tits which were contained in her dress by the barest of margins. I’m not sure what it is about scented candles that drive people to whip out their credit cards. Oh, look, I made a fucking candle that smells like, wait for it, vanilla. Thanks for the perilous journey to the subcontinent, Da Gama. I can get vanilla at 7-Eleven on the corner now.

Women especially find that certain scents put them in different moods. Especially when paired with prescription strength opiates and anti-depressants. You burn a cinnamon scented votive along with a couple Xanax and suddenly the thought of your husband banging the young neighbor whose vagina still moistens itself doesn’t seem so awful. They ought to keep Petra’s candles burning up on the prominent bridges where the depressed go to end it all. I was going to plummet to my death, but that lilac with a shade of nutmeg makes me realize my bankruptcy and pending child rape charges really aren’t all that bad. Fuck it, I’ll take a dozen of those lifesavers.

Photo Credit: Getty

Iggy Azalea Sex Tape

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 8:52 AM

Iggy-Azalea-Made-in-America-02

Iggy Azalea has a sex tape, or so says the purveyors of fine pseudo celebrity porn at Vivid who exclusively leak both real and unreal information through TMZ in a partnership of pure evil. Like the Legion of Doom, if Solomon Grundy had Harvey Levin’s cock in his mouth. Azalea’s legal team is scrambling with every pre-emptive legal 101 in the book, including the tried and true  ’she was underage’ when her boyfriend slash business partner shot the two of them humping her pre-fat injected ass. Child porn threats are the nuclear option for young celebrities caught flashing their genitals on camera.

Nobody climbs the ladder of success in the music business without a few rungs made entirely of deviously bent poles that request servicing. The difference these days is everybody has a camera. I’ve never felt the desire to film my intimate moments with another woman. I guess if I were boning a rising star like Iggy Azalea I might be more inclined to figure out video mode on my cell phone, a feature previously reserved for proud parents and people filming ongoing disasters rather than providing assistance. I’ll show you what I can of the tape once it arises, unless she really is underage in which case we’ll assemble in my tree house and pass around the View-Master and swear not to tell a soul.

Terrorists Love Twitter

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 8:15 AM

Twitter-as-Tool-for-Terrorists

Twitter appeal has now narrowed down to trolls and Islamic terrorists, who are trolls who can run a flight of stairs without panting. The terrorists in particular have flocked to Twitter to exchange their happening weekend Jihadi plans, newspaper and leaflet distribution strategies, and just some friendly hey, howdy, Allahu Akbar, when’s the bombing going down? Twitter’s also an extremely effective tool for recruiting disaffected Muslims and Lady Gaga fans in the West to come to the Middle East to spend a week yodeling and beheading some infidels.

For several years, ISIS followers have been hijacking Twitter to freely promote their jihad with very little to no interference at all. Twitter’s lack of action has resulted in a strong, and massive pro-ISIS presence on their social media platform, consisting of campaigns to mobilize, recruit and terrorize. – Rita Katz, director of the SITE Intelligence Group

Security and intelligence agencies kind of like having all these armed zealots revealing their nefarious plans on Twitter where they can be easily monitored. The Navy Seals aren’t on Instagram live blogging operations for a reason. They’re coming to kill you silently in your sleep. The jihadis love a WWE extended introduction with costumes and pageantry and managers screaming unintelligibly into megaphones.

Twitter finally started pulling down some of the more active Islamic terrorist handles, causing ISIS to declare they were going to start assassinating Twitter employees in San Francisco, or simply cheer when the Twitter workers were killed by the drugged out homeless roaming Market Street. Facebook has agreed to take on most of the displaced terrorists provided they don’t show any nip. Every one has a home somewhere on the net.

Guy Who Started The Fappening Feels Violated

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

Meneses

John Meneses created The Fappening on Reddit, which exposed a ton of celebrity nudes to those of us who did not think jerking off for shits and giggles was worth navigating 4chan’s labyrinth of anime bondage porn. Now the pudgebucket is psychotically complaining that his privacy is being invaded. Unlike Lawrence’s bush, his information wasn’t hacked since he posted with his real name. Meneses has delusions of grandeur that only a virginal aspiring hacker looking to get back at the football team could pull off:

“I’m not happy about all this, but it happened. The Nixon administration couldn’t stop the Washington Post exposing Watergate so what hope do I have?”

Meneses is an interesting cat. He is obsessed with World of Warcraft, harasses Reddit users to pay his utility bills, is into cocaine, thinks he might have Asperger’s, and is struggling with asexuality. In short, pretty much exactly what you’d expect. Some people’s privacy is a lot more sexy than others. I think I can speak for everyone when I say I’m no longer curious, but I wish Meneses luck in blowing up whatever landmark his spinning wheel of death chooses.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Don’t Face Fuck Jesus in Pennsylvania

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

Kid

A fourteen year old Pennsylvania kid who posted a novelty photo of himself face fucking a Jesus statue could serve two years in juvie after police pressed charges for desecration. The original Facebook post saw mixed reviews, some of his pimply faced cohorts thought it was bomb while others found it kind of fucked up. Most think its lame but also that he shouldn’t be charged. If we prosecuted everyone for making tasteless jokes Gilbert Gottfried would be injected with slow acting poison and left to kick his legs for hours in a South Carolina prison infirmary. I was going to say Joan Rivers, but, you know.

Just because someone fails at being funny doesn’t mean you lock them behind bars, although when I picture Seth Rogen’s smirky face a fascist regime could maybe do some good. Even the church where the statue lies thinks the kid should be let go, and it’s their idol. Jesus always preached forgiveness, although turning the other cheek is put to the test when some brat’s giggling with his junk in your face for a Facebook photo.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Instagram Troll Screwed By The Man

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 6:29 AM

Sharma

Param Sharma has an Instagram account that makes fun of lame celebrities flaunting their wealth. He’s about to get released from jail for selling a stolen cell phone on Craigslist like a baller. Sharma’s lawyer claims his 90 day jail sentence and $30,000 dollar bail were excessive:

“The police knew him and were unhappy with his social media accounts. $30,000 bail is not something that could be done for these charges.”

For anyone who had doubts on the account being fake, actual rich dudes can afford $30,000 dollars in bail. The lawyer does not offer up why police would be aware of or care about Sharma’s Instagram account. My guess is they suspected Sharma to be dealing in a lot of stolen shit since his account shows large numbers of objects he couldn’t buy, and he was selling those phones on Craigslist with the scratched off serial numbers. After going to jail Sharma’s file went missing and he was transferred to a psych ward for no reason where someone tried to kill him, possibly because they recognized him from Instagram. Maybe shady shit just happens to shady people. Surely Sharma understand karma.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Courtney Love Sucks

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 6:08 AM

Some guy was hired to record a Hole performance four years ago, but nobody had any use for the recording because a live Hole performance vanishes into the ether once the interested twelve year olds get picked up by their parents. He recently isolated Courtney’s guitar and vocal tracks, which sound like a raccoon gnawing through chicken wire to eat a pile of shit. Its an assault on taste that you would think was fake if it were anyone less horrendously poserish and awful than Courtney Love, but the guy swears by it:

“To address the most obvious, inevitable question that I will be asked…this is not fake. Whether you think she’s the worst or this just makes her all the more ‘punk rock’ is for you to decide. I’m merely presenting the facts as they are. Make of them what you will.”

I’m making that Cobain must have been mentally gone to stick his dick in that chick, let alone give her the scraps from his wastebasket. If there was ever any doubt that Love was fucking terrible, this should settle it forever. I’d rather listen to Kurt shit ramen into a tambourine than this fucking costumed fake.