Olivia Munn Saves Rodgers Semen, Saves the Packers

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Olivia Munn Wears Short Shorts At LAX
Packer fans bitched at the beginning of the season how Olivia Munn new couple sex was ruining Aaron Rodgers as the Pack dropped to one win over the lowly Jets in their first three games. Though even the Munn semen draining comments were less acerbic than the cries to string Rodgers up on a ranch pole when everybody in rural Wisconsin was certain he was homosexual.

The Packers have since toppled their last three opponents which can only mean Olivia’s pulled her energy zapping vagina off the table. As much as anyone, she wants the Green and Gold might have the chance to lose in the playoffs for yet another year. Olivia’s always been considered the hot girl next door. The girl that guys want to be with and girls want to kick in the cunt because they’re jealous competitive alley cats who secretly despise Eurasians. That just makes her hotter. Olivia Munn cured Aaron Rodgers of his gay. Just imagine where she could take you if you started out fully onboard.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Robin Thicke Drowns His Sorrows in Four Stories of Model Pussy

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 1:15 PM

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With divorce papers inked and his ex-wife banging the snot tarp out of her new boyfriend, Robin Thicke chose to drown his sorrows the old-fashioned way, inviting a thong load of hot models back to his place to pull a train with Leonardo DiCaprio. Having Leo to your after hours soiree is a like having a keg at your high school party. It’s a signal that you’re serious about being blown by a cheerleader before the evening is over. It was only a few months ago Thicke was very publicly begging his wife to take him back in song and apologies and songs about apologies. But Paula Patton realized deep down that as good as her husband looked in gay silk vests ripping material from black artists, he was the kind of guy who was always thinking about plowing ambitious models in the hot tub while Leonardo DiCaprio looked on approvingly. She might have been on to something.

Photo credit: PacificCoastNews

The Handsomest President Bitch Slaps Ebola

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

President-Obama-and-His-Cabinet
Shit gets real when the President cancels fundraising trips. You don’t just turn down the chance to be virtually fellated by decked out sycophants unless it’s time to don the cape and get ready for action. The entire U.S. Cabinet is being assembled tonight at the Hall of Justice to figure out what to do about Ebola. Yes, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development will be in the house. Naturally, they could shut down all air travel originating from the three countries that have 99.9% of the Ebola cases, but that could be seen as culturally insensitive and potentially effective. CDC protocols seem to be handling the contagion pretty well so far, unless you’re the second nurse tested positive today in Dallas for Ebola. She’s being transported to Atlanta because everybody forgets about Atlanta and they could use some frightening headlines of their own.

Possible game changing actions being discussed at the White House include writing a sharp and accusatory letter to Ebola, economic sanctions on Iran, just because, and scheduling more meetings. If need be, Obama will move right to a U.N. resolution condemning Ebola, though not by name, and having Michelle figure out a hip acronym for EBOLA and teaching it to America’s school kids in the place of mathematics. Walk away now, Ebola. Walk away or you will be escorted.

Ebola Update: that second news flew on a Frontier airlines flight between Cleveland and Dallas over the past weekend while her Ebola fever was just beginning to rise. The CDC thinks maybe that wasn’t such a good idea and this could even be a breach of protocol 715(d), subsection 11-a wherein people from Cleveland gets smote by God once again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Lena Dunham Is A Psychiatrist And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 15, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lena Dunham has once again made something she has nothing to do with all about her. She’s weighing in on the whole Amanda Bynes issue. Lena’s well versed in the psychiatric sciences since her naked lumpy character on Girls went crazy. I hope Amanda Bynes eats her.

Read Lena’s diagnosis and prescription for Amanda. (The Superficial)

This is Locas Diego and these are her chi-chis. (Drunken Stepfather)

Angela Ruiz sure knows how to wear fucking lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nadine Leopold and her freckle face are highly fappable in these lingerie pics. (Popoholic)

Jennifer Lawrence’s sham of a relationship to Coldplay is getting “serious”. (Dlisted)

Denise Schaefer eats the fuck out of a burger. (COED)

MMA Veronica Macedo is hot but she’ll kick your balls into your mouth. (Busted Coverage)

Beyonce Takes Selfies At the Louvre

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 11:16 AM

Beyonce Shows Off New Bangs In TIght Shorts Also Visits The Lourve With Family
Say what you want about the so-called masterpieces, they’ve got nothing on Beyonce. Fuck yeah you are the most important piece available to be seen at the Louvre. I’ve been. The Mona Lisa is a tiny framed portrait of a chick who even back in the Renaissance had to be considered a four, a seven maybe after mead. The rest of the works are just naked dudes in oil paintings, or naked dudes in actual oil if you visit the haute French bars surrounding the museum and ask for the Travolta. If Davinci and Jacque Louis David were alive today, they’d be rendering Beyonce on a clam shell while Jay Z banged their art house girl assistants in the hay loft. Beyonce’s selfie work is saving us the effort of flying to France and being judged. Egomaniacal doesn’t have to be a negative.

Photo Credit: Beyonce

Joanna Krupa Models Bikinis

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 11:01 AM

Joanna Krupa Models For Bikini World Swimwear
Hell yes. Ripping through bikini pictures of mere amateurs and you come across Joanna Krupa and her professional lioness looks. You don’t get smoky eyes without earning those bones. These are the photos I almost click on when I learn that live local hot girls in my zip code are down to fuck. Whenever I see those ads I start looking at all my neighbors with a knowing smile. Which one of them is it? Mrs. Langford, you horny AARP bitch with the pugs, I’m coming over now with cookies.

Photo Credit: BikiniWorldSwimwear

The French Tori Spelling Had a Rough Evening

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 9:04 AM

Angelique Morgan Wears A Pink String Bikini In Malibu
With the exception of Stephen King fare, nobody needs to see a creepy doll face collecting lachrymal dew on her fake eyelashes. This Angelique Morgan chick needs to be quarantined back to Europe and but quick. Don’t even take the time to pack her well-worn scarves and cartons of unfiltered Camels. She goes by Frenchy which is some kind of tip-off that she’s carrying multiple social diseases, some viral, some likely psychological. America does not need this headache now. I thought I could love a Tori Spelling who spent a couple months eating real food instead of plastic maquette sushi storefront displays. I was wrong. If she starts tapping her chest every time her man cheats on her, she’s going to get that nasty breast bone divot as well. Somebody make it all go away.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Abigail Ratchford in A Bikini for Ebola Water

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 8:52 AM

Abigail Ratchford Poses In String Bikini For 138 Water In Beverly Hills
It turns out the Ebola River wasn’t even the closest tributary to where the deadly virus was first documented in the then Zaire. Somebody read the map wrong and unfairly and forever tarnished what I’m sure is an otherwise perfectly nice feces and carcass filled waterway in the Northern Congo. That’s how easy it is to get a bad rap. You do shit once or twice to pay the rent and suddenly you’re being called a tranny hooker in the police blotter and your mom won’t speak to you. These chicks modeling for this bottled water ruse had better think twice about how the alien invasion survivors are going to treat them. A conspirator is likely to be treated more kindly if she happens to have amazing tits, but she’ll be marked nonetheless. Some kind of obvious badge of shame like having to attend public events with David Spade. Payback won’t be kind. Though I’ll grant you these gigs still trump working the makeup counter at Nordstrom.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet