Kelly Bensimon Tits and Bikini Made In Different Factories

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 11:45 AM

Kelly Bensimon Major Underboob In A Bikini In Tropical Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
When these Bravo Housewives get out in the sun, you see the power of elective surgery and anorexia working hand in hand to turn back the clock. The Indian casinos keep hiring these stitched up hens to promote their hotels so there must be something there beyond my powers of perception. Maybe protruding rib bones on a woman drives men to chase theirs losses at the table. As the sun sets these Housewives receive their ten gold ducats and transform back into designer handbags for easy shipping on to the next gig. It’s beautiful in its mechanics.

Photo Credit: Splash

Mark Wahlberg Was a Very Busy Teenager

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Mark-Wahlberg-in-the-Fighter

Krisyn Atwood wants to be sure Wahlberg isn’t remembered as the movie star who just beat the shit out of Vietnamese immigrants, he’s also the guy who dropped n-bombs and threw rocks at fourth grade black girls going to the beach. Sort of like how everybody remembers him from Boogie Nights, but everybody forgets about Planet of the Apes, or tries to. That’s not fair to Wahlberg and his body of work.

Atwood doesn’t think Wahlberg deserves a pardon from the Governor because he was a violent racist thug and she still bears the scars of his attack. Also, she doesn’t think Wahlberg has changed. Which is sad. Unless she’s referring to his acting, then it’s true. I think most people would agree that Wahlberg is a different person now then he was as a teenager. For one, HGH has rendered him three times stronger and able to throw much bigger rocks. Also, he moved to an estate in Beverly Hills where he doesn’t have to deal with minorities trying to rip off America and his family. Maybe you get two free roundhouse kicks to the head of Wahlberg’s fourth grade daughter and we call it even?

Heidi Klum Is a Triple Threat

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 10:43 AM

Heidi-Klum-Old-Modeling-Photo
I’m not sure the age when you realize your mom’s work trip was riding some dude’s dick on the beach not your dad’s. When mom jets back in time to bring orange wedges to AYSO, all is forgiven. Heidi Klum drove home the point to her daughters that someday she’s likely be banging their young boyfriends by posting an old nude photograph of herself to Twitter. You know, how modest people do. It’s going to suck when you bring home your teenage boy crush and all he can do is stare blankly at your mom. Truly not his fault when she’s topless and sucking on her nipples at the kitchen table moaning shit in German.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Amber Rose Thong Stamp

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 9:29 AM

Amber Rose Thong Vacation In Miami
Amber Rose knows the best revenge is showing her cheating ex what he’s missing. An attention starved shaved head fat injected Jeff Koons statue. Mmm, baby, please come back. All these revealing self-promotional photos are certain to help in her custody battle with a pot smoking rapper with multiple drug arrests. I hate to be the judge deciding this case. I might just go Brady Bunch and let the 2-year old toddle over to the parent she feels least likely to sell her to a Mexican drug cartel on a dry weekend. Children don’t need lots of things, just parents who love them. Or who love themselves. I can’t remember which is better.

Photo Credit: INF/Instagram

Johnny Depp Has Standards

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Wear Matching Outfits For Mortdecai Premiere
Johnny Depp chose a press junket to declare that actors who use their celebrity to make musical appearances make him sick. Odd mostly because Johnny Deep is an actor who uses his celebrity to make musical appearances. Or maybe Marilyn Manson pulls him out of the crowd randomly to jam with him on stage. After herpes and botulism, myopia is the greatest afflicter of famous people in Hollywood. Depp didn’t mention anybody by name, so I will. Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, and Kevin Bacon. Much of it is horrid, I’m not so sure it’s sickening. Men become rich and famous so they can do whatever they want. At some age fucking lots of different women only becomes 90% of their world and they need to top it off with another swig of ego gratification. Rock star. If it were easier, they’d all go for astronaut or cowboy or underground mining explosives expert. I forgive Johnny Depp because of Donnie Brasco. Now shut the fuck up and try to believe your lesbian wife when she tells you you’re just as skilled as her girlfriends.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

Belichick Ball Handling Questioned

By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

BB

After kicking the living shit out of the Indianapolis Colts, the New England Patriots are being investigated by the NFL for allegedly deflating some of their footballs during the game. A ball with less air pressure is theoretically easier to catch. Bill Belichick remains the Kelly Leak of the NFL, so he’s going to be rounded up whenever the screws find cigarettes in the boy’s room. Spygate was definitely a thing. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a thing. Regardless of the PSI, if you live in Indianapolis your team got their asses handed to them. Also you should probably move. Nobody gets to the bottom of things like the NFL. Worst case scenario, a video tape appears showing Ray Rice punching the footballs while screaming fuck you, Janay, gimme back that fucking purse. She’s already pre-forgiven him.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

John Travolta Does Damage Control

By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Trav

John Travolta threw his kids under the bus when asked why he was cruising for sweaty man cock in the gym at 3 a.m.

“I’m a father. They still want me to play with them at a level of a much younger man… in order to stay healthy for them, that’s what I do.”

Studies have shown an active sex life is key to good aging. Blow jobs in the 24 Hour Fitness men’s sauna are more than invigorating so long as you don’t contract the Miami Diarrhea. C’mon, John. It’s 2015, nobody gives a shit. The hair piece is far more off-putting than your secret world of gay underground catacombs. Stop flying those planes over the Mojave on auto-pilot just so you can bust a nut in your little buddy’s face. You’re the fucking captain. Tell the world you love dick. I bet your hair grows back. Also, I just saved you $20 million on your next round of Scientology cover payments. You’re welcome, you big gay bald lug.

Photo Credit: Reddit 

Golden Tate Clears Things Up

By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

GT

Detroit Lions receiver Golden Tate issued a statement explaining how he didn’t pork Russell Wilson’s wife, as is widely rumored. I’m not sure this was still on anyone’s mind so Tate’s insistence in the face of dead silence could lead one to believe he did it:

“I did not have an affair with Russell Wilson’s wife, nor did I have anything to do with his divorce. That is laughable for anyone who knows us. His ex-wife, Ashton, is still best friends with my girlfriend. Russell and I were good friends when I was in Seattle, on and off the field,  he knows the rumors about me were unfounded, damaging to my reputation, and an attack on my character.”

If I was innocent I’d probably act the same way. Also I didn’t steal that five bucks from the collection plate in 1987. Alright you got me. I’m thinking a lot of this could be explained away as The Group Thing. Or maybe Tate is just offended that people would make such ridiculous assumptions. Maybe just a threesome in the hot tub? Much of this reporting is completely irresponsible. I’m going to publish it anyway but I’m not proud of myself. Sorry Father Steve.

Photo Credit: Instagram