Kaley Cuoco In A Bikini In Her Pool

By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Kaley Cuoco In A Bikini In Her Pool
Now that Kaley Cuoco has liberated her tits with her heartfelt revelation that they’re not only fake, but they’re the best thing she ever bought herself, she can be free to do all sorts of shit without fear of public judgement. I imagine an immense weight has been lifted off her shoulders, and chest, and probably her vagina, because that is where female emotions are stored during the winter months. So many of these others fake boobed girls have to walk around with a dark secret, like a girl on a Lifetime movie having a baby in her closet, wondering if they’re new tank top is going to give them away. Not Kaley. She can post pictures of two balloons inside her top with LOLs and take bikini pictures on top of floating ducks and it’s all good. Come to Jesus, other girls with fake cans. Set yourself free.

Photo Credit: Kaley Cuoco/Instagram

Amber Heard Used to Be a Decent Lesbian

By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 3:19 PM

Amber Heard Poses In Lingerie Photographed By Ellen Von Unwerth For DT Spain
I can’t bring myself to get excited over Amber Heard any longer. She was cool when she was she-boning other model girls and coming up looking like a million sweaty bucks. Then she got engaged or consciously coupled or some such shit with Johnny Depp and suddenly she was just another one of the same. That scissor kissing bit is a nice hook. Everybody’s kind of tired of the pudgy drama kids coming out, but when a tall hot blonde announces she digs cooter on cooter, that’s still a big deal. Or it was. Until Amber Heard went and ruined everything.

Photo Credit: DT Spain

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Is One Tit Away from Perfection

By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Nude And Covered On For The April 2014 Issue Of Rolling Stone
Almost 238 years after our founding and America is still afraid of tits. I’m not sure what it is about women’s breasts that scare the shit out of so many people. Yeah, I was wary of them too until about fourteen when I touched my first and realized they weren’t going to send me straight to Beezelbub’s cauldron, at least not immediately. At worst, you got a slap across the face. Maybe put in the punishment shed if she was a close relative. But we stand together with Iran and some other fucked up backwards places in thinking tits will cause us all to be set ablaze in hellfire. Bare asses seem to be okay now. I guess that’s in one of the more recently revised versions of the Good Book.

Photo Credit: Rolling Stone

Paul Stanley Claims Ace and Peter Were Down on the Jews

By Jack April 09, 2014 @ 1:35 PM

According to Kiss’ asshole front man Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss hate Jews, most notably himself and Gene Simmons. It’s all in his latest must-read book, Face the Music: A Life Exposed, (that was in no way ghostwritten).Simmons and Stanley’s real names are Chaim Witz and Stanley Eisen, in other words as Jewy Jewish as you can Jewishly get. Criss and Frehley have been feuding on and off with Simmons and Stanley for thirty years, mostly over money and who owns what and why Ace Frehley is living under a freeway overpass while Gene Simmons gets to bang Shannon Tweed in a Bel Air mansion But Stanley thinks it all boils down to antisemitism. According to the Starchild,

“Ace and particularly Peter felt powerless and impotent when faced with the tireless focus, drive and ambition of me and Gene. As a result, the two of them tried to sabotage the band — which, as they saw it, was unfairly manipulated by [us] money-grubbing Jews.”

I don’t know if Frehley and Criss are anti-Semites but I do know that Simmons and Stanley are money grubbers. It’s not because they are Jewish. It’s because they are greedy fucks who love money just like the Christians, Muslims, and Pagan Wiccan who happen to love them some cash. Gene and Paul will slap the Kiss logo on everything from lunch boxes to dildos. Their new Arena League licensed football team is a sporting world abortion. But, make no mistake, they’re getting paid. And most everybody who isn’t making money along with them thinks they’re big assholes. Ace and Peter just think they’re big Jewish assholes. But it could just be the sour grapes of ex-rockers in their 60′s and on food stamps.

Tara Reid In A Bikini In Australia

By Lex April 09, 2014 @ 12:27 PM

Tara Reid In A Bikini At The Beach In Australia
Whenever I see Tara Reid in a bikini, the thought always comes to mind, wow, I can’t believe she’s still alive. I have friends serving overseas or working in dangerous domestic professions or those afflicted with potentially dangerous medical conditions, but it’s always Tara Reid that I just assume has fallen off a booze cruise and been eaten very slowly by millions of krill. This is why Tara sends out Twitter pictures of herself in bikinis once a month. She’s not trying to show off the results of her cardboard and packing glue diet, she just wants to make sure people aren’t packing up boxes at her apartment and talking about her in the past tense. I’m still alive! Don’t let Jedward hork my shit!

Photo Credit: Tara Reid/Twitter

The Ultimate Warrior Is Dead

By Jack April 09, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

The Ultimate Warrior, James Brian Hellwig, has returned to “Parts Unknown”. That means he’s dead. The 54 year old wrestling legend was found dead yesterday outside of an Arizona hotel. The cause of death has not been released. This comes just days after he was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. What’s really fucking creepy is that he kinda sorta anticipated his death when he said in his acceptance speech,

“Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe their final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something that’s larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers.”

For those of us wrestling dorks that grew up in the 80′s and 90′s, the Ultimate Warrior was one of the best around. I liked it whenever he would kick Hulk Hogan’s ass because that prematurely bald blondie always got on my fucking nerves. Sure, this type of wrestling is fake as shit. That doesn’t mean it isn’t physically mesmerizing and highly entertaining. Porn isn’t real lovemaking it turns out. I still enjoy that from time to time. So, long brave Warrior. I hope your tag teaming with Bam Bam Bigelow against Andre the Giant and the Macho Man up in heaven. Which for the record is an easier venue to get to than the Hartford Civic Center.

(Photo Via WWE.com)

Melissa Joan Hart Lost Some Weight

By Travis April 09, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Melissa Joan Hart has become the latest actress to hop on the Nutrisystem train to lose weight and make some extra money, as her new commercial launches on April 21. She also posted a photo to Instagram last night showing off her dramatic weight loss success, and she claims that Nutrisystem helped her lose 40-pounds. “It’s not everyday I like to show a lot of skin but these days I’m feeling confidant,” she wrote, not giving a shit about spelling like the best of us, and she also appeared on Good Morning America today to brag a little more. It’s always pretty special when Nutrisystem or Weight Watchers can help a C-list celebrity lose some weight. Now if only they could help them find better jobs.

Katy Perry Is Just Full Of Crazy Ideas

By Travis April 09, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Just when you think that Katy Perry is completely out of ways to prove how zany and unique she is, she does something that just blows our minds. Last night, she joined Nicole Richie and others in supporting Marianne Williamson, an independent candidate for Congress, at an event in Los Angeles, and Katy stole the show with her amazing green hair. People must have freaked out when they saw her hair and asked her, “How did you ever come up with this idea?” and she replied, “It’s green!” causing everyone to lose their shit and act like she’s the most original person who has ever walked the Earth. Or maybe she showed up to the event and pointed to her head, and someone pointed out that you could see Nicole’s tits, and then Katy just sulked in the corner for the rest the night. It has to be one of those two options.

Photo Credits: Getty