By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 5:51 PM
Singer’s have always been seen as style statements, regardless of their knowledge of the daunting science of fashion. Sometimes, when these chicks veer toward the clanging side of the intellectual bell curve, designers just say they ‘like dressing them’, which is dehumanizing, but in the good way. Rihanna seems like this. Designers like to dress Rihanna. She either doesn’t care that she’s an experiment or she’s so super fucking high she thinks she’s riding a jet-ski in Barbados. She definitely seems clueless to being in Paris freezing her nipple off looking like a largely disabled stripper from a John Cameron Mitchell version of 101 Dalmatians.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 4:58 PM
Kim Novak became the butt joke of the Oscars last night for looking like every single other woman in that audience is going to look sometime in the next three decades. For Goldie Hawn, about four more days. You might as well build a time machine and travel forward to mock your future senior self. Matthew McConaughey could join you in the machine and go visit his hero, the even more stoned self-involved version of himself. Sure, Kim Novak looks like Madame the Puppet without the tender dearly departed hand of Wayland Flowers up her ass. But who exactly is mocking her? John Travolta who’s genetically modified hair follicles Spidey tingle anytime a JV high school basketball team hits the showers within an eight block radius? Angelina Jolie who lopped off her breasts to even the playing field against future breast cancer? Bette Midler who God has cursed with looking like Bettle Midler. Kim Novak was a hot Polish chick from Chicago who made a cool movie 55 years ago. So, she wracked her face and she sounds like the chain smoking lady at the end of the horseshoe at an off-strip gambling parlor in Vegas. You know, the one who calls you by the city where she thinks you’re from. Leave this old lady alone. Or she’ll fucking haunt your dreams like a shrunken apple head dangling from a string above your bed for the rest of eternity.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 4:25 PM
Women like to complain about how women complain about not looking good enough. It’s the female circle of life. I guess it sucks. I’m not sure body shaming articles like Jennette McCurdy’s in the Wall Street Journal are going to do much to counter millions of years of female evolution. The bitches be competitive kitties, dontcha know. The Nickelodeon TV star does use the word ‘dichotomy’ so this article could be the horcrux of female self-worth that finally allows women to truly revel in their chub rub.
I had a two-year span where I was so self-conscious and uncomfortable with my body that I would dress more provocatively to events and in photos because I looked to comments of praise to fulfill me and give me the confidence I lacked. I needed affirmation to feel comfortable. I was caught up in the whirlwind that is beauty.
I’m going to guess these leaked photos of Jennette McCurdy in her lingerie were taken during her self-conscious two year window. Or maybe not. That’s the real insidious nature of this female self-judging thing. It never ends. It’s like a herpes sore from a lost debate society weekend in high school that never ever leaves you (I’m speaking metaphorically here, though, damn you Leslie Morales!).
By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 3:53 PM
Musical prodigy Chris Brown has been ordered to stay in anger management rehab for another two months. The judge thinks that Chris is still too much like a teen girl on her first period to be released into the free world. Brown affected meditation during the hearing so he’d look all zen and shit for the judge. His honor wasn’t buying the yogi routine. Brown is going to stay in the facility until April when he goes on trial for assault for the beating of a dude in Washington last year. Brown’s doctors say that he is, to use the clinical term, totally fucked in the head:
“Our clinical team believes Mr Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to [an] untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and [post-traumatic stress disorder]“
So, Chris Brown suffers from having a crappy childhood like the rest of us, but the money to buy all-night party hookers and cocaine to drown his demons. I guess people like this should be locked up, or, whatever you call I’m So Angry classes at a beach front property in Malibu. But the world also needs human punching bags that we can collectively agree not to feel bad about beating. You know, the self-important shitty fighters like Shia Labeouf that we get a little thrill when we see them get popped in the nose. Chris Brown sans bodyguards could fill this role. I’d hope the judge would take this into account when arranging his fate.
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 2:27 PM
If you’ve been following Amanda Bynes since they unplugged the MacBook power cords from her temporal lobes then you’d know that the formerly unsteady driver has returned to pursue a degree at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. FIDM may not have a strong sports program, but if you’re looking for a hot bed of girls who want to turn their lifelong passion for shopping into a brief career before marriage, you can do no better than this ivory tower. Amanda Bynes originally intended to major in fashion design, but, now according to insider reports, meaning, the international student who was intimidated by the reporter with the magical voice taping device, Amanda has changed majors to merchandise product development. Honestly, I always had Amanda pegged as an MPD major. She seems like a good folder. Just don’t approach her from behind.
There’s no busy quite like part-time fashion school busy.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 2:14 PM
The crypto-Commie fuckers in the Venezuelan government think that Hollywood is out to get them. That’s because a couple of times during last night’s Oscars, Hollywood ceased auto-fellatio mode long enough to show support for anti-government protesters in Venezuela. There have been mass demonstrations, (or as we call them in America: scary CNN riots), over the continuing mismanagement of the government by the faltering Maduro government. But according to the Minister of Communications Delcy Rodriguez, it’s just a conspiracy by right wing extremists in Hollywood to defame poor little Venezuela. She says,
“Extremists of the right are lobbying in Hollywood looking for statements against Venezuela during the Oscar awards ceremony. This worldwide smear campaign against our Fatherland enjoys the support of a powerful media platform at the service of imperial interests!”
I’m afraid Delcy flunked out of socialist dictator apologist school. Yes, Delcy, if that is your real fake Che Guevara inspired name, Jared Leto is a conservative firebrand in America. He’s just to the right of the Duck Commander. 30 Seconds to Mars is his cover for spreading the neo-con imperialist message to control Latin America through the Dole Fruit company. Also, are you really using the term Fatherland to promote your nation? Was Third Reich not available as a Venezuelan dot com domain? This kind of makes it official, I’m un-following Venezuela on Twitter and Facebook until this chick gets beheaded.
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
The Independent Spirit Awards are held every year the day before The Oscars so Hollywood can pretend their works of true art aren’t shat out by the exact same corporate entities that pay the bills with Transformers and Ride Along. Everybody plays their part by downplaying their plastic surgery and leafing through the Helena Bonham Carter catalog of Lost Boys wardrobe for their Bohemian designer gowns. Brie Larson wasn’t half bad in 21 Jump Street, but she calls herself a poet, which means I’m obliged to feel the need to kick her in the shins. She got a dress made for her by some Italian sounding place that didn’t anticipate her showing the crowd that even poets shave their armpits for big occasions. She came very close to showing off her indie spirit. This was Hollywood’s Arab Spring.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 1:33 PM
If you’re throwing a The AIDS party, you’ve just got to have Kim Kardashian. The kung-fu gripping porn star made her way back from hooking across the European continent in time to celebrate with a bunch of other girls who have no chance of ever showing off their tits on the actual Oscar stage. For kickers, Kim brought along her trainable sisters who completely unwittingly formed the shape of an HIV lentivirus, leading to the first smile of the evening from the guy from The AIDS Foundation who bites his tongue once a year at this party of nitwits so he can keep his funding.
Photo Credit: WENN