Lindsay Lohan Reveals Her Virals

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM

Lindsay Lohan Legs Spread In Hunger Magazine LOfficiel Hommes
I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to sit like that when you’re actively carrying Chikungunya. That slick disease Lindsay contracted from snorting crushed up mosquitos while doing her jet ski community service work in French Polynesia over the New Year’s holiday. Lohan’s lawyers will be in an L.A. courtroom next week arguing that their client really did work hard at her 30 days of ordered community service, even though there’s no specific or even non-specific proof. If the judge feels Lohan skipped out, he could choose to order her to appear in court and be scolded several more times and told how real punishment is coming if she doesn’t take this fake punishment more seriously. You don’t want the scolding. It makes the Chikunyunga nervous.

Photo Credit: Hunger Magazine/L’Officiel Hommes

Nickleback Hates On Beiber And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 20, 2015 @ 11:30 AM

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Nickleback lead Singer Chad Kroeger attacked fellow Canuck d-bag Justin Bieber for being a d-bag too. There’s obviously no side to root for here except the very precise meteor because most of Canada still deserves to live long enough to be raped of its oil deposits.

Read all about Chad’s feelings towards Justin. (TMZ)

Hot narcissitic chicks take steamy selfies in the mirror. (The Chive)

Jessica Lowndes bikinis like a fucking champ. (Egotastic)

Parks and Rec producer Harris Wittels dies of an apparent overdose. (Huffington Post)

Samantha Hoopes gives good underboob for GQ UK. (Drunken Stepfather)

Xenia Deli always manages to get my pressure up. (Hollywood Tuna)

Pete Doherty makes a life size crucifix with himself in place of Jesus because he’s a huge douche. (Dlisted)

Pamela Anderson Going for the Gold

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

Pamela Anderson Wears A See Through Button Up Shirt While Out In LA
Seeing as how Pamela Anderson is financially triangulated somewhere between flat broke, dead broke, and, you’ll really give me $50 if I tug on that moose’s dick til it cums?, her soon to be ex husband is trying to get out ahead of spousal support requests. Rick Salomon hasn’t really worked a day since he pushed his way out of his mother’s vagina, but it turns out the man knows how to play Hold ‘Em. To the tune of many millions of dollars in gambling earns. The saving grace of fat lazy men who don’t shave. Salomon’s lawyer is asking for an annulment to the marriage, claiming his client was tricked into the nuptials. Considering you’re a savvy card player and this isn’t even the first time you’ve married Anderson, that seems like a stretch. If the judge accepts ‘I was wasted off my ass and she was reverse cowgirling my cock and asking me to sign my name on some paper duct taped to her back’, he might have a thing. But most likely that thing is you’re now paying Pam Anderson’s Malibu rent money. Congratulations. Next time stick to Vegas hookers, they understand the arrangement.

Photo Credit: INF

Jay Z Might’ve Made a 21-Year Old Baby

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 10:04 AM

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If you believe Jay Z’s lyrics, he banged a bunch of bitches on the way up. If you believe his attorneys, he doesn’t live in any of his three homes in New Jersey and therefore doesn’t need to comply with a Jersey court order to provide a DNA sample to see if he’s the dad of a 21-year old whose mom he barebacked about this kid’s age plus nine months ago. You can’t blame a kid for wanting to know who his real father is when his real father is worth half a billion and could hook him up with some sweet rides and high class pussy. It’s one thing to be the son of a loose woman from Jersey, it’s another to be Jay Z’s kid. There have been rumored payoffs in the past to keep other offspring from popping up while magazines continue to pretend the stripper baby Blue Ivy is something of a lineage novelty. If this paternity claim turns out to be true, it could very well cost Jay Z in his marriage to Beyonce. I’d estimate that cost at about one Vanessa Bryant ring plus ten percent. I don’t care how rich you get, it’s got to irk you that every chick you nailed in your 20′s is now costing you a suitcase filled with cash.

Photo credit: Google Plus/Getty Images

Elisabetta Canalis Date For Hire

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

Elisabetta Canalis Wears A Low Cut Red Dress At The Vienna Opera Ball With Her Date Richard Lugner
This old Austrian billionaire might just be my hero. He just married that German blowup doll one-quarter his age to be his regular pecker wetter, but he’s still doling out the 500K paychecks to get celebrity chicks in low cut dresses to be his date to the big opera events. I don’t think he gets to old man pudge bang George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend, but a few gropes and titty touches are probably in the contract. It’s not assault if it’s listed in Exhibit B and you own the Vienna police force.

Photo Credit: Splash

Scout Willis Is Art

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 8:33 AM

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Scout Willis put her all into her art this past year, producing no less than eight photographs of something resembling her square vagina for a wall in somebody’s basement in London. Willis used the Polaroids Universal Labs process to take cellphone pictures of her lady chunk and turn them into trippy Polaroids like you might’ve seen entourage whores taking during Stones’ recording sessions in the 60′s.

I like to be in control of what I’m making. I’ve seen my parents put everything into a role and then somewhere along the line it becomes about other peoples’ decisions.Scout Willis, artist

I’m sure your parents regret Die Hard and Ghost and wish they had stuck to blurry naked selfies. The three people who walked by looking for the toilet stared at Scout’s arm pit hair and tits for a few moments then complimented her on whatever it is she was doing and carried on for a piss in the loo. Baby steps, Van Gogh with slightly bigger nipples.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Warren Sapp Showed Cops His BJ Video

By Matt February 20, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

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The police report of Warren Sapp’s prostitution arrest reveals about what you’d expect. Sapp met two strippers in the hotel bar and offered them $300 each to blow him, simultaneous or back to back is unclear. Stud if you can make it count on the backend. When the women came to his room they started dancing as Sapp threw multiple hundred dollar bills at them. This is where the trouble started. When making it rain always keep a clear ledger or at least approximate the number of bills you’re parting with. At some point the younger stripper started blowing him and he recorded it on his cellphone as a keepsake. How often are you going to be able to get a hooker to blow you after all? The same chick demanded more money for sex, but Sapp was sticking to beer and oral that night. The stripper, now firmly entrenched into the category of prostitute, became “irate” and spit in his face. Then she called security. At that point Sapp grabbed her by the arms and threw her out of his hotel room. Somebody didn’t read their hooker etiquette book.

“I do what I do, but that doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on me.”

Technically, it does. It’s called a business arrangement. To what extent is up to you. Cradling the back of the head is one thing, throwing punches another. If a chick demands money and spits in my face you can bet she’s moving on. Unless Sapp suplexed her out his room I’d posit he acted with at least some regard for her physical well-being. The weird part is once cops arrived Sapp showed them the video of the chick blowing him either to back up his case or because he was desperate to relive the high fives of his playing days. This did not have his intended effect and police cited the video as evidence. I guess it’s better to be open about paying for head than a rumor you like to beat up whores. That’s all I ask of my role models. You don’t have to be perfect, just be real. Lead by example. Show me what not to do.

Jen Selter Might Make Out With Her Mom

By Matt February 20, 2015 @ 7:39 AM

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Butt selfie guru and future Nation of Islam prophet Jen Selter posted a photo of her and her hot mom about to make out and bump mounds. At least that’s what they want you to think. A daughter and mom making out is weird if you have to see them at the bake sale. All good if you can close the browser. Indeed real world incest is repulsive yet dominated much of 1970′s era pornography. Clearly there’s a market for it. Incest is a nasty word. There are no uncles here. Just two sculpted hotties of varying age who share roughly half their DNA. It’s all about pushing the envelope. Selter is already testing patience by being known solely for posting her endoscopies. You don’t get to be Tom Cruise without sucking a few dicks. If you want to finally fly on an airplane it’s time to amp things up. It’s a billion times less weird if you throw a dude in. In fact perfectly acceptable. Don’t be a prude. I promise not to talk a lot.

Photo Credit: Instagram