Jared Fogle’s Pants Dance Game

By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

Jared

Subway removed a game from their website called Jared’s Pants Dance which allowed kids to use the now admitted pedophile’s pants to catch sandwiches to score points. Next time you feel like judging the Japanese take a look around. Jared may have lost 200 pounds eating sandwiches but that just goes to show that he is a grotesque enough man to lose 200 pounds by eating sandwiches. His body is an American flag with no wind. He’s not a picture of health to be aspired to, and his pants have caught reams of donuts and underage tail. Enough kids have played around with Jared’s pants. It’s time for him to sit in the pokey, preferably while playing Ray Rice’s Punch Out where kids learn the value of bringing their drunken spouses a sandwich or else. I know Fogle just got busted, but it was obvious what he was into. Look at his face. What the fuck, Subway? Eat fresh dick.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

James Harrison Lesson Learning, Resting Cunt-Face and Heroin All Packed Into the Last Men on Earth Podcast #14 (AUDIO)

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 1:21 PM

I’m pretty sure Matt date raped me while I was sleeping off a bender just prior to the taping of the fourteenth episode of the Last Men on Earth podcast. Now I know what people mean when they say the shame is too great to report the crime. At some point I’ll light his bed on fire while he’s in it. What Would Farrah Fawcett Do?

In this week’s audio episode, we discuss why James Harrison might be a dick, confess what it’s really like to have sex with large women, and use the word cunt-face so many times that I had to lie and tell my mom we didn’t tape a new show this week. It’s one thing when your friends ask you when your son is going to get a real job, quite another when they call him a dirty potty mouth.

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Thanks to our sponsors at ThePornDude.com, quality providers of top notch online porn since 1854.

Please comment and subscribe to the show on iTunes. For show contact: LastMenPodcast@gmail.com or LastMenPodcast on Twitter.

Kyra Kennedy Pissing Off Her Dad

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 12:42 PM

Kyra Kennedy Lets Loose On Instagram
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took a break from urging parents to let their kids contract polio to publicly scold his teen daughter about posting pictures of herself drinking and partying half-naked on Instagram. A true Kennedy understands that whiskey, coke, and dead hookers are private matters. The media is getting more reluctant to declare a Kennedy’s premature death tragic if there’s a long history of drug abuse and spreading hepatitis. Kyra Kennedy has yet to hit publish on a photo that reads, ‘Dear dad, you fucked my babysitter on mom’s lifeless body, so shut the fuck up’, but you have to figure that’s in the holster. There’s Brandon Davis cum in your eye, dear. I do like your monogrammed hankie.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Why Is Kristen Stewart A Thing And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Every women’s magazine ever has labeled Kristen Stewart as a beauty icon with model looks. Is this some kind of conspiracy among the horse faced editors of these magazines to make men question their own judgement. This needs investigating.

Judge for yourself. (Popoholic)

Summer St. Claire is hot and topless in pink lingerie. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Can you identify the Kardashian by her ass? (TMZ)

These pics of Miley Cyrus naked will give your eyes herpes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sheila Marquez in lingerie is a beautiful thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Paulina Gretzky bikinis on a boat. (Busted Coverage)

Booties, butts, and asses. (The Chive)

Megan Fox Divorcing

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 10:50 AM

Megan-Fox-Transformers
After eleven years of dating, five years of marriage and two little kids with that skinny dude from 90210, Megan Fox is cutting her husband loose. Nobody ever fully understood why a world class sexpot was hooked up with a one-show in the 90′s actor turned part-time DJ when she could’ve hit the Miami Beach condo jackpot with some A-lister. The anomaly provided the everyman false hope of his own Megan Fox in the sack. According to the gossip rags, husband Brian Austin Green tired of Fox’s obsession with landing new film roles that took her away from bringing him YooHoo sodas and finding his video game controllers under the couch cushions. He was relatively less tired of his ten years of unemployment forcing his wife to nail down more Michael Bay tight top film roles to feed their babies. You’ll come out fine on the other end, Fox. I’d hit up one of those online reputation companies and see how much it would cost to expunge every Boolean search of your name plus Brian Austin Green. Or just replace it with ‘Single and Still Super Fucking Hot’. They’ve built more condos in Miami. Aim for the penthouse this time. You already know what the basement is like.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Tit Showdown

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 10:13 AM

Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Bikinis In St. Barts
These Jenner girls are going to outdo their hag half-sisters by some multiples of stupid money. They’re not infected with Dead Bob genetics, instead they got the lineage of a gold medal father who makes a half-decent looking old woman. Kylie Jenner’s Val-u-pack tits are fifteen years younger, firmer, and less covered in the residual goo of Moroccan men with gold by the inch vending cart empires. The entire family has been in St. Bart’s filming Whores on Parade and receiving awards from the local governor for bringing attention to the plight of plastic surgery addicted midgets. I could stare at those tits all day long. Or I could empty my bank account and touch Kyle over the bra for 2 minutes plus some seconds. Raw capitalism isn’t dead. It just smells like Armenian snatch. Again.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Viagra For Sober Women

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 9:30 AM

Little-Pink-Pill-Female-Viagra

Some pharmaceutical company I’d invest heavily in four weeks ago is launching the first ever prescription drug treatment for women who aren’t horny enough to want sex. It’s being called the little pink pill, because Viagra is the blue pill and that has sold in the many billions of dollars. Feminists are quick to point out that there are twenty prescription medications for getting men hard but there has never been a pill to make women feel like humping. Obviously a vast pharma conspiracy against making money. Or the fact that science, much like every man on this planet and most women themselves, have no real clue what makes women horny short of outlet shopping and hearing about horrible shit happening to women they hate at the office.

Even the makers of this little pink pill have no real idea why it causes women to feel more like plunging something in their vaginas. It just does. With the glaring warning note that the pill can not be taken in conjunction with any alcoholic beverages. Or, as alcohol has been known throughout the ages, that thing that previously most made women want to have sex. While the pink pill has shown some inclinations for some women in terms of sexual desire, there’s no way it can match spiked punch at a sorority pre-party in terms of getting loose. I’d forecast mixed results at best in terms of improving the sex life. Still, if your lady wants it, I’d encourage her fully. Provided you don’t mind fucking a chick with moderate nausea and gas. Science!

Hackers Name Every Marriage Cheater in Canada and the More Important U.S.

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 8:59 AM

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Anonymous hackers followed through on their threat to expose the private information of Ashley Madison subscribers by posting thirty million plus customer records onto the web via the Tor browser which allows for anonymous web surfing in the same manner that Ashley Madison allowed for anonymous online affairs. If you happen to be TMZ, a concerned spouse, or Russian credit card thieves, these millions of records will prove to be a treasure trove of personal information. The hacker group had threatened Ashley Madison to completely shut down or face release of all of their user records including credit card information and sexual fetish preferences. Ashley Madison went with the choice that fucked over their customers who they had been fucking over for years with fake female profiles and scam services on their site. Also, it might be time to return that Trusted Security Award medallion.

This is a dirty business all the way round, as cheating should be. If it were easy, everybody would be doing it. Fucking over millions of people’s personal financial information seems a rather harsh remedy, but a solid reminder that absolutely nothing online is private. If you want to fuck a chick not your wife, you once more need to identify find the woman at the office who makes very poor decisions and convince her to meet you in motels for completely forgettable casual sex. Or just not get married, the option least considered by people who want to fuck around.