Terrence Howard Reproduces

By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

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Actor and probable samurai sword collector Terrence Howard welcomed his fourth child to the world, the first with his latest wife who he hasn’t beaten the shit out of yet. At least not enough to disturb the neighbors. They must have a trash compactor over there. They named the child Qirin Love because they are assholes as evidenced by the caption of this twitpic:

“A mythical ½ dragon ½ lion who glides above the land so as not to harm even a blade of grass… meet Qirin Love!”

No actually it’s a tiny earthing who eats and shits. I know you think you’re special but so do ten year olds who haven’t mastered the art of street crossings. Interesting the reference to do no harm. Is this possibly because your husband has assaulted several women or because he’s the only member of the family who doesn’t kick homeless people? For reasons unknown Howard gets a pass on being a serial abuser, probably because he looks like the guy who parks your car. Can you get a prenup for this kid? Just have him sign with his footprint.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Miley Cyrus Dripping Fluids

By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 6:19 AM

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Miley Cyrus’ friend whom she enlists to leak information which nobody cares about have apparently confirmed she and Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell are a couple. This is according to the New York Daily News who earlier this year reported she was fucking Bigfoot. Sometimes you get lucky:

“They hold hands and hug and are very comfortable together. They’re definitely together.”

It’s interesting how sources always confirm the premise of your bullshit story without offering anything specific which you couldn’t have told yourself while wearing a wig. Regardless, Cyrus has definitely heard that licking twat is the hottest summer craze next to culottes and is daring people to call her a lesbian so she can say she doesn’t like to place labels on her sexuality or even various species for that matter. Who’s to say this is a rodent? It’s a child of God. This habit is also known as being uneducated and lacking a clear grasp of the language.

This will pass and she’ll soon get to brag about her ‘experimental phase’ over crocodile tears at the GLAAD Awards for some guy in a dress who finally had the courage to give The AIDS to his parents. In relationships there’s typically an inverse relationship between who has more money and who’s more attractive. Fuck it. Gain some weight and grow another beard.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Pablo Sandoval Shitting and Liking

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 12:28 PM

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Boston Red Sox new fat third baseman Pablo Sandoval got busted for liking photos of hot chicks on Instagram in the middle of a Red Sox game. Sandoval nobly defended himself by noting he was taking a big crap at the time he was on his phone. Which brings to light a cultural misunderstanding. In much of Latin America, taking a dump is a get out of jail free card. It’s why narco traffickers are always exchanging packages beneath toilet stalls while unloading their bowels.

Red Sox fans are questioning the work ethic of a player scrolling through bikini pictures in the middle of a game his team is losing. Pretty obvious tubby shaming. Show a picture of a fat dude on the shitter with his phone out to a random sampling of the population and respondents will note he’s clearly up to no good. It’s inherently prejudicial. There is an MLB rule that bans social media activity in the dugout and clubhouse during baseball games so Sandoval is likely to face some kind of punishment. At the same time, the Red Sox just gave him a guaranteed $100 million so he’s likely going to fuck half those chicks he liked on Instagram. Maybe while he’s shitting. Rich fat guys remain undefeated.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Mr. Williams Goes To Cable And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Liar, liar, pants on fire Brian Williams has suffered the ultimate indignity: he’s moving to MSNBC. When his suspension is lifted, Williams will host a show on the network seen only by some tiny fraction of residents of New York and Los Angeles. Now would be the time to invent some really good new glory days stories.

Read about Bri Bri’s latest woes. (TMZ)

Aubrey O’Day’s tits are cascading out of her dress. (Egotastic)

Workaholic’s Blake Anderson was high as fuck on a radio morning show. (Huffington Post)

The Chelsea Hadler panties pic no one wanted. (Drunken Stepfather)

Meet Solveig Mork Hansen and her tits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jill Bunny runs on a beach. (Popoholic)

Titties go bouncy bounce. (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Had a Leak

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 11:31 AM

Paris Hilton Wears Swimsuits In Ibiza
According to unreliable media outlets reviewing the unreliable stories run in InTouch magazine, Kim Kardashian was the secret source of Paris Hilton boozy drunken slutty rich girl gossip during her time as Paris’ lackey. This was before Ray J mixed urine and cum on her lumbar regions and turned her into a fabulous princess. Now that InTouch magazine has broken their one legit story ever with the Duggar molestations, they’re trying to disavow the entire breadth of their past. This includes the minor ombudsman note that they completely concocted stories for the entire rest of their publication life. Since only really stupid people didn’t question it, we all decided as a society to let it be semi-legal. Like professional wrestling or Presidential politics. Many are claiming that ‘disloyal’ ought to be added to the list of Kim Kardashian attributes. I’m good with the traditional money-grubbing porn star midget. If I’m adding any more adjectives, I’m going with conjunctivitis ass. Jackals don’t have a word for acting like jackals.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Cara Delevingne Silent Fluidity

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 10:21 AM

Cara Delevingne Bare Midriffs In Vogue
According to female bloggers who still haven’t found their purpose, Cara Delevingne is one of the founding members of the young celebrities gender fluidity club. Nobody seems to understand that the inanely invented term gender fluidity describes somebody who feels intermittently like a man or a woman depending on whether or not their NFL team is doing well. Not rich girl models like Cara Delevingne who prefer to fuck other girls because all the men who surround her are either gay or into middle school chicks. While forty-percent of millennial celebrities will identify themselves as gender fluid, science will note that’s about eighty to a million times too high. It’s easy to feel fucked these days if you’re white and heterosexual and not anywhere on the autism scale. Keep your chin up and consider doing something more positive than reposting Daily Beast articles. Nobody’s getting into heaven on a hashtag.

Photo Credit: Vogue

Tyga Sings About Kardashian Pussy Crimes (AUDIO)

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

The ministers of social media are outraged over Tyga posting a track to Soundcloud that mentions Kardashian pussy and how the D-list rapper sees himself being arrested over it in the near future. Nobody seems super bothered that Tyga’s raping Kylie Jenner offline, but artistically featuring Boozie Badass behind a Casio keyboard beat seems gratuitous.

Tyga insists that he produced this symphony about being sucked off by bitches two years ago, long before he was pumping a fetus into the underaged Jenner. The song’s reference is innocuously about him wanting to rape Kim, or Khloe if he’s on the sizzurp. That’s legal in most states, though slightly more disturbing. I’ve never been a prematurely-sexualized illiterate rich seventeen year old girl, but I’m guessing this all seems pretty romantic. Me and you and our bastard baby against the world. What do you mean you want a paternity test? No, I don’t like to ride horses. Stop punching me in the stomach. Ow.

Rob Kardashian Death to Be An E! Ratings Bonanza

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 8:58 AM

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Every male member of the Kardashian family deals with the stress of being emasculated by the coven of shrill she-demons in their own self-destructive manner. Lamar Odom holed up in a motel smoking crack with Vietnamese twinks. Bruce Jenner chose to lop off his dick. Rob Kardashian is binge eating. The family decided the chunky scion should no longer be featured on the mothership show designing socks or trying to spell the latin name of his sisters’ STDs. Instead they just talk about how fat and stupid he is behind his back. The producers at E! have staged a storyline where Kris Jenner pretends to have true human concerns for her son’s physical and mental well-bring with breaking news reports of Rob ordering food at In & Out Burger and refusing to purge. She cries and worries about how her son might die, or worse, have $100,000 worth of surgery to become Rebel Wilson. This is all a windup to Rob hanging from a 101-freeway sign with the words I Was Never One of You painted in Nutella on the gut of his lifeless body. Sweeps week. Check the freeway signpost ladder for fingerprints. Then cross check against those lifted off Marcus Allen’s cock in the late 80′s. I guarantee you he didn’t go up there alone.