By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 5:49 PM
Richie the Barber used to be a circus clown. Now he spends most of his time grooming hair in Hollywood. In this way, he’s very much like the Kardashian daughters themselves. Maybe this painful irony drove Richie to confetti bomb the Big One and the Little One as they exited a furniture store filming their cable show, The Kardashians Go Furniture Shopping and Retards Watch. The creepy looking haircutter was quickly jumped on by Kardashian security forces who take pride in stating that the only thing closer to the Kardashians is herpes. This would be the first time the girls ever got sprayed in the face without Kris ringing the sales bell. When all was said and done, everybody agreed that it could’ve been much worse. Or, had the barber used bullets, much better.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 4:59 PM
Ever since Tupac’ s hologram got turned off and everybody realized they had to go back to watching the still living shitty acts Coachella stages around their $8 bottled water concession booths, the Indie music and don’t forget arts festival has been running low on wow factor. You can only get away with so many Beyonce surprise guest appearance when she’s there every year. Surprise. Your grandma made an appearance at grandma’s house. A naked hologram of Beyonce would’ve been amazing, but nobody has the guts to piss off the corporate sponsors who become visibly moist at the thought of 100,000 college educated white ‘social influencers’ trapped in the desert. Whoever dresses the Kendall Jenner mannequin decided she could be a thing if only she had a distinctive look. So they borrowed Bruce Jenner’s cock ring which he mysteriously announced he no longer needed and hung it from Kendall’s right nostril like a Guernsey. The nose ring connected to her earring to form the international symbol of illiteracy. Kendall adored the attention though she did note the unusually low hanging hoop made completing the ‘must blow’ list her mom tucked into her front pocket that much more challenging.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 4:27 PM
Audrina Patridge is dumb as dirt. I think I can say that without being sued. I don’t really know her intellectual quotient, but I’d estimate it as being in the range of foam peanut packing. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Or to have her chest leered at when they air dropped her into Coachella and programmed her to smile and twirl her hair for three hours before returning to her LZ for pickup. She still got that Indio and Indian thing mixed up, but Audrina is always making lovable boners like that.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 3:30 PM
Cara Delevingne has become enslaved to the dark draw of the Michelle Rodriguez power tongue. By the time you’ve invited Michelle into your sacred keep, your clitoral fate has already been sealed. Cara can only go out in the moonlight and must hide her face from the camera flashes as the luminescence makes her labia singe. Coachella seemed like a horrible choice of venues for a young woman now living in the shadows of her own Sapphic desires. In the overnight hours Michelle would approach the gates of the Empire Polo Grounds and transform into a Lycan pussy hound, puncturing the carotids of any female who had so much as looked with desire upon her young concubine. Even for a Lilith Fair, that’s a lot of unexplained lesbian deaths.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 2:58 PM
According to completely gushing girly reports by sources close to Rihanna, she’s more in love with Drake than she was ever in love with the back of Chris Brown’s hand. The pair are completely inseparable with Drake even holding her purse offstage during her performance at the MTV movie awards last night. Drake gave her the biggest hug ever in the history of hugs when she finished her Monster duet with Eminem.
Drake loves being in her circle and wants to be around her friends and family. That’s just how he is, always accommodating, always the gentleman, always wanting to take care of Ri in the smallest of way.
He sounds super sweet. Or like a closeted sadistic homo-erotic serial killer. I guess he could be both. The only thing that matters is that Rihanna is sparkling with excitement. She deserves some pleasant memories before she stumbles upon the rows and rows of dickless hobo bodies in his basement.
Photo Credit: BeatStars.com (above) Getty (below)
By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Professional hot chick Kate Upton made a horrifying confession: She wishes she had smaller boobies. It’s like finding out that Santa Claus is just your mom’s drunk boyfriend Earl. It’s a weird thing for her to say as her breasteses are the main reason she’s rich and famous and spending weekends in the Four Seasons with the world’s most eligible bachelors. No offense to her myriad of other skills such as giggling, smiling, and pretending she doesn’t take shits. Kate’s main reason for wanting to join tiny titty club involves her desire to be able to go braless without everybody ogling her yum yums:
“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up.”
I don’t buy that last part. In this business you got to take any buzz you can, even if it’s about how much people want to motorboat your sweater hams. You may recall Kate has been on this ‘don’t think of me when you jackoff’ kick where she wants men to stop thinking about putting a sock in her mouth as they bang her over the end of a hotel room sofa like I am this very second. I guess you don’t really know how hard another person has it until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a day in their D-cup bra. Still, I’m guessing there’s none chance Kate actually goes and makes her tits smaller, as she can at any time. There’s bitching and then there’s bitching and stupid. Without that chest, Kate isn’t starring in The Other Woman, she’s just cleaning up the theater after the showing.
By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
Johnny Weir will no longer be gay divorcing his husband Victor Vornov. The fairy tale marriage looked like it was going to come to an end when Johnny surprised Victor with divorce papers and the couple began jousting like a couple of 12-year-old girls in a slap fight. Which if we can be honest, is pretty awesome to watch. Victor accused Johnny of biting him and Johnny said Victor was verbally abusive. The reconciliation will only come if Johnny publicly apologizes for all of the nasty shit he said about Victor. Johnny also has to keep his hag mom from meddling in their marriage. She apparently controls Johnny’s finances by letting him spend all of his money on sequined capes and Prada pumps. If he wants the Vornoy beast back in his tender bits, he’s going to have to create a less stressful marital environment.
Which all leads this whole marriage equality stuff. Not the equality part. That’s good. But the why would you want it in the first place part. I understand why gay women want to be able to get married. Women love marriage. Even a hardcore butch wants to pick out wedding china. But since marriage stopped being about selling off daughters into scullery service for three gold pieces, the institution has not been so good for men. Sure, there are those questionable studies that show how fucking happy married men are. Apparently they are all healthy sexually active romantic fools if you believe the findings put out by the objective Pro Marriage Institute for Being Awesomely Married. But mostly, ask any married man how he’s doing and about two beers into the conversation you’ll get an epic rant that begins and ends with some comment about the dearth of oral sex. Then the tears. I understand the fight for equality, but is marriage the pot of gold you really want at the end of the gay rainbow? I’d ask for more dance music radio stations and making mesh tops mandatory summer wear for hardbodied Puerto Ricans in urban environments. But that’s just me channeling my big gay genius.
By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 12:47 PM
As far as I can tell, all the living actresses from the original Dallas TV series are now selling groundbreaking skincare products on late night television. The dead actresses seem to be less productive. 1am to 3am seems to be prime time for people with blemishes and reptilian scaly skin and despondent greasy hair to flip through the cable channels to find solace. I guess if you have all those problems, you only want to be up in the dark when there’s less chance of catching your own reflection. This chick Julie Gonzalo plays the character on the new Dallas that was first played by Victoria Principal in the original series, when it was original and not just a We Ran Out of Fucking Ideas for TV Shows blinker on TNT. Still, when they do re-hash old shows they have the decency to cast girls with bigger yabbos to send signals to your subconscious that this is something you ought to watch. If they were honest and just called it Dallas But with Bigger Tits, I’d probably watch. It’s the subterfuge I can’t abide.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet