I’m not sure why a bunch of you stopped looking at Miley’s tits or ass for any amount of time to notice her face. You might as well start twerking to her music. But some untold number of you insisted on directing me to look at her chin at the American Music Awards. I stopped drinking my Thanksgiving ale for half a second, zoomed in, and there the fuck it was — a burgeoning billy goat gruff. Or scruff. Or just the makings of a Duck Dynasty bandwagoner. Miley’s got a fucking beard. Maxim’s already pulled their January cover to revise for the World’s Hottest Bearded Lady. Jesus. I mean, literally, Miley might be turning into Jesus. What if she’s the Messiah instead of just a twink who badly needs a facial waxing? Thanks for ruining my Thanksgiving.
Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,
“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”
Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.
That’s not just anybody hoisting the first case of 138 Water, that’s actress Cara Santana who you’ve never heard of. That’s how this 138 conspiracy is going to unfold. Chicks in hats and sunglasses who once appeared in Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 will be distributing the unholy water contents throughout major urban cities. You drink the water and you don’t just die, you become the fashionably hydrated undead. You’ll also be broke. Which in L.A. means you’ll have a harder time getting laid that if you were a zombie.
Even as apocalyptic rollout begins, models with big tits like Jaclyn Swedberg are still being photographed for the lithographed shrouds The 138 will use to encase the forsaken.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Miley Cyrus wants her man back. And she’s not letting her spastic back or Bieber clone looks get in the way of retrieving the Hemsworth brother who left her for a much hotter Eiza Gonzalez. Eiza had the added allure of not talking like a retired smoker at the Horseshoe Casino Hold ‘Em table. But Miley still pined for her man. So when she heard he was single again a few weeks ago, she started texting him seductive messages like ‘LOLzz’, ‘Hahaha’, and ‘Wassup playa???’ in a campaign to win back his mind as well as his cock. If Liam can work with therapists to remove the image of Miley humping ungrateful midgets, there’s no reason why these two can’t be happy once more.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Kanye West defended his baby mama Kim Kardashian’s vapid TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians as promoting interracial relationships. Our lord and saviour Yeezus was on “The Pablo Show” on a Washington D.C. radio station when the subject of Kim’s crappy show came up. According to Kanye, the fact that the Kardashian girls fetishize black men like it’s going out of style helps interracial marriages:
“I’d like to point out that I feel that ‘The Cosby Show’ that I grew up on is part of the reason why America was prepped to accept, you know, a middle class black family in that way. And a lot of what the Kardashians do that I don’t think they get enough credit, is they prep America to understand interracial relationships.”
Um, I doubt it. I think the last thing that anyone thinks about that show is that the Kardshians boning black dudes is groundbreaking. Or the idea of using sex for fame and fortune, out of wedlock babies, messy ugly divorces, and trying to scheme famous athletes and celebrities into joining in the publicity fest. None of this is new. But I’m happy that Kanye has found a completely baseless positive to think about Kim and her family. It probably means he will beat her less when shit goes south within the year.
Beauty pageant girls Lisa Opie and Stefania Sita have dedicated their non modeling and sunbathing time to ending bullying. They started LadyCodeBlog.com to help young women affected by same sex harassment at school or in the workplace. You see, Lisa was a victim of bullying, and Stefania was herself a bully. But the two adversaries became friends in high school Spanish class when Lisa approached her bully and asked her to model bikinis for her new swimsuit line she was making. Now, these girls want to bring this inspiring story of detente to girls everywhere. If you’re a super hot girl and your bully is also a super hot girl, there’s no reason you can’t be beauty pageant or modeling BFFs. If you happen to be fat or unattractive or have acne, there’s probably another blog for that.
Photo Credit: Splash
In a move nobody cares about by a network that nobody watches, noted gay rights activist and homophobe Alec Baldwin has lost his late night talk show, Up Late. Alec Baldwin apologists are quick to point out that the firing is not directly related Baldwin’s ‘fag’ slurs in public, and actually more a result of his kicking a woman with cancer out of her makeup room at 30 Rock. The fallout from the show cancelation will be tremendous as up to eight people will become disappointed on Friday nights when MSNBC adds an extra hour of lesbians shanking each other in prison, more formally known as The Rachel Maddow show. Yeah, I know, I went long on that one.
Here’s pictures of Alec’s hot daughter, Ireland, who I will comfort after the gay mafia kills him in some fabulous manner.
Photo Credit: WENN, Ireland Baldwin/Instagram
Lamar Odom is not going away cheaply. Apparently he wants ten million in Kardashian bitcoin to walk away from Khloe Kardashian and the family and keep his mouth shut about all their behind the sausage factory gristle. He also wants his $875K engagement ring back from Khloe, mostly just because during one hour of sobriety last week he suddenly realized how fucking stupid that was. If Lamar doesn’t get his cash, he’s threatening to tell all about Kardashian family plastic surgeries, Kris Jenner’s sinister raising of her offspring, and, worst of all…
“Lamar is also prepared to destroy Khloe’s reputation by discussing their sex tape…” – a source to the National Enquirer
Holy mother of God, no, Lamar. Not the nuclear option. I’m willing to chip in a few bucks, we all should, to have that wildlife documentary burned and its ashes buried in a lead urn in the deepest reaches of the Mariana Trench. Imagine Khloe naked and rubbing cocoa butter on her toot bellowing for Lamar to fill her bucket. Then see if you don’t find five spare bucks in your pocket to stop this madness.