Congratulations to some dude who calls himself Andrew. In the sea of entries of people with hardships so powerful I became too depressed to play my Scatchers, Andrew nailed the best reason why he deserves this killer trip to Vegas for Memorial Day Weekend.
Andrew, don’t be a shmuck now and respond to your email. Otherwise, we do have a runner up. (Cue dramatic music!)
Maxim held a party to honor their awkward selection of Miley Cyrus as the Hottest woman in the known universe. I think this is one of those times in life where you make a poor choice, realize your mistake, but you’re too embarrassed to tell anyone you fucked up so badly so you go along with it way too far. That pretty much describes my first marriage. If Maxim is smart, they’ll suck up their pride and get out before Miley takes the labradoodle they rescued together.
Photo Credit: PCN, WENN
I once got some wise advice. Never ask for a raise unless you can afford to be fired. I don’t think that’s universal advice. I think it was geared at a guy like me with few appreciable job skills. Miranda Kerr has no such hurdle. So she asked Victoria’s Secret for a raise and they fired her basically. And then she had to wait an entire spa day before somebody else paid her big bucks to put on another swimsuit. I think if I were a woman, I’d want to be a particularly attractive one. There seem to be perks.
Photo Credit: INF
Are you a perv that enjoys rolling around in soiled women’s undergarments? Then you are in luck my disgusting friend! The pink glittery bikini that Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham wore, (briefly), on the cover of her recent cinematic tour de force Farrah Superstar: BackDoor Teen Mom is for sale! Vivid, the porn company that bought and and distributes the video, put the bikini on Ebay with a starting bid at $500. It seems that the bikini has fake tanner, body glitter, and…um…other mysterious stains. The glittery bathing suit is listed as “used” and is ”Straight off Farrah’s body and into your hands.” In other words, it hasn’t been washed since Farrah’s asshole had its date with destiny,
I hate to challenge any man’s taste in personal recreation, but it seems like you could spend your money more wisely. You could get a good looking escort for what you would pay for this bikini and have actual sexual intercourse with a real human vagina. But I guess there are many complex layers of pathology I’m missing on this impulse buy decision.
Forget this genetic forecasting nonsense, you want real scientific achievement to better the lives of women, look at the new girdle technology available to the ladies. The complex constrictive elements employed to fit Khloe Kardashian into this dress simply were not available just a few years ago. It’s like when NASA says we will land a man on Mars knowing that at some date in the future the technology to allow for human interplanetary travel will be invented. There’s a relatively predictable discovery curve. Still, I guarantee you nobody in 2008 saw Khloe Kardashian ever fitting into this dress.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
I guess this is supposed to be creating shocking waves of resentment among the liberated minds around the nation. Pat Robertson essentially telling a caller that she needs to stop whining about her husband cheating a couple times here and there and focus on the good stuff. Like, does he pay the rent and take the kids to Little League and not hit the sauce and beat you. Because men have a tendency to wander every now and then so deal with it. I wanted to get outraged. And Pat Robertson is really a total tool.. But he’s also… right. Clearly, he’s right. Most married men cheat and the others are just fucking lazy. If you can keep your man to a couple one-night wick dips every decade or so, and he’s an otherwise good man, then, yeah, he is a good man. And that part Pat says about women keeping a happy enticing home is also right. Men who are getting loved up at home are less likely to go full ditch. Just a fact. Hating a fact doesn’t make it go away. The good news for women who find this all disappointing and not at all like a Disney cartoon is that you no longer have to get married. For most of history, you had to. Now, it’s a total choice. You want loyalty? Get a cat and a vibrator, which is a joke if you know anything about cats.
Sometimes I wake up in night with this recurring fear that I’m the only person in the world who gives a shit that Heidi Klum started fucking her kids’ bodyguard while she was married to Seal. Okay, maybe Seal is the other guy who gives a shit. But even he’s probably ten models past giving a shit about anything Heidi did. Heidi’s P.R. team put a full-court press on the celebrity kiss ass magazines which barely covered the story, if at all. Yeah, you’re aloud to ditch your husband and take up with another dude. But when that other dude is one of your kids’ caretakers, that’s a fucking story. Jude Law took a reaming for banging the nanny. Because it’s cheap and cheesy and the kind of shit I would do. Probably you too. But when Heidi Klum does it, it should’ve been noted.
Here’s Heidi showing off her boobs on the red carpet. I can see why she’d cause a man violate his Super Sacred Celebrity Bodyguard Oath.
Photo Credit: Getty, Splash
The woman in this video has the most glorious cameltoe we’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s fucking breathtaking. This chick was once a kinda-sorta-not-really fat teenager who even the rapey guys in high school wouldn’t touch. That is until she discovered some super vegan raw food diet that blah, blah, fucking blah. Now she doesn’t eat nuts or bread or anything remotely good and she goes around giving presentations on eating like a diabetic rabbit to bored New Age housewives. The biggest benefit to the diet seems to be the health and vigor that one’s labia can achieve. Her meat curtains are like the event horizon of a black hole that is threatening to pull both her pants and all matter around it into her pussy singularity. It’s really hard to listen to what a woman has to say when her genitalia is pulsating through her trousers. Yes, I know your face is up there, but your pie hole just swallowed my dog.
