The Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar Is a Good Time Keeper

By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 9:36 AM

Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar
There’s a time and a place for artificially enhancing a woman’s looks by way of illegally downloaded software. If you’re still buying wall calendars with pictures of hot chicks with big tits, you’re the time and place. There’s a difference between Kris Jenner having a team of Liechtensteiner scientists vectoring wrinkles off her shrunken apple head for Twitter candids, and some guy at the calendar company making Kelly Brook’s tits look hairless so you can spunk to June. If woman is object, why not make the sleekest shiniest object possible? I’m more feminist than most women and it kills them.

Photo Credit: Kelly Brook

Gigi Hadid In Her Calvins

By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 9:09 AM

Gigi Hadid In Her Calvins
I keep remembering then forgetting who this chick is. I looked it up again. Her mom is on one of the Real Housewives show where women who butcher their faces to hold on to their fleeting youth get wasted on fruity cocktails and discover their husbands are crooks. Then Andy Cohen goads them into tears while grinning like a Cheshire cat and bearing down on the four-pronged dildo built into his chair. Gigi’s bio dad is a playboy about L.A. who delves into large volumes of third tier Hollywood pussy. Which leaves Gigi nineteen and looking for acceptance by showing off her body. That’s only sad for girls who can’t pull it off.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Vogue

Miley Cyrus Explained in Two Words Or Less

By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 8:45 AM


Wrong hole.

Bill Cosby Referred to As Rapey

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 8:35 AM



Comedian Hannibal Buress made headlines by calling Bill Cosby a rapist on stage. Cosby has somehow eluded sexual predator status even by staunch feminists and rape activists, mostly because worlds would shatter. If some dorky sweater wearing sitcom doctor is a rapist, it means none of us our safe.

Cosby has been accused of sexual assault an astounding thirteen times throughout the years, which is a pretty hefty number considering that’s not his only job. Cosby’s fame and wealth could be the target of opportunists, but thirteen still seems like a pretty high number unless ambitious chicks from one AOL chat room back in the day all decided to pick a year that would be their turn to head to Philly, become mentored by Cosby, then roofie yourself and cry rape. Albeit, some really fucked up shit used to happen in those AOL chat rooms, so I’m not ruling this out.

Buress didn’t like Cosby ripping on comedians who use foul language in their standup acts which kind of riled up Buress:

It’s even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate. He gets on TV, ‘Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the ‘80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom.’ Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches. ‘I don’t curse onstage.’ Well, yeah, you’re rapist, so I’ll take you saying lots of motherfuckers.”

Buress will most likely disappear now and be found a week later a victim of a roofie overdose floating in a river. Looking back it seems like Michael Jackson might have done some bad shit too. Lets call it a law of averages. Thirteen criminal allegations speaks to some kind of shenanigans.

Photo Credit: Tiwtter 

Dr. Oz Study Wasn’t Super Fact Checked

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 8:06 AM


A study Dr Oz quoted mercilessly about green coffee beans being a magical weight loss cure has been shockingly debunked. The study’s authors based at the prestigious University of Scranton have got some explaining to do:

“The sponsors of the study cannot assure the validity of the data so we, Joe Vinson and Bryan Burnham, are retracting the paper.”

That’s a polite way of admitting everyone knows you are full of shit and you don’t get to pretend to do experiments anymore. The pair will probably be put on a much needed leave of absence soon so they can decompress after those tough hours of making up data while watching Family Guy and getting super high. The kickback money they made pulling the heart strings of fat people will probably soon run out, at which point one they’ll be free to start selling time shares in Ocala or just wander the streets with a metal detector. Roll with the punches. Dr. Oz will skate, but these dudes should thank him for abiding by the huckster code of having each other’s backs and pleasuring Oprah with jams and cunnilingus as needed.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kesha’s Stories Not Adding Up

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 7:39 AM


Kesha is suing music producer and alleged sex dungeon owner Dr Luke for forcing her to use drugs and sexually abusing her. Kesha wants to be let out of a contract she claims she signed with Dr. Luke in between the basement torture sessions. A deposition from an unrelated case in 2011 was released wherein Kesha discounts many of these same claims:

“Q: Did Dr Luke ever give you a roofie?
A: No.
Q: Did you ever have sex with [Dr. Luke?]
A: No.”

This deposition is from 2011 so if Luke indeed began raping and drugging her it would have been rather late into their professional relationship. That’s not usually how things progress, but sometimes people get comfortable. Lying under oath is a crime, whereas lying in a sensational lawsuit is merely considered uncouth and subtly recommended by your legal counsel. Kesha’s blowhard celebrity attorney Mark Garagos is suggesting that 2011 deposition was a lie by Kesha who feared retaliation.

“Luke walked Kesha down the beach and threatened to destroy Kesha’s life and the lives of her family if she didn’t cover up his sexual assaults.”

Either way that’s why we have the Under Oath thing. There’s no part in there about it being okay to fudge testimony if your pimp music producer is raping you in between producing you stupid hits. Dr Luke will probably continue to profit off of Kesha’s music and her questionable integrity will only obscure whatever shady shit he has actually done, which is most likely sizable and includes plenty of studio blow jobs. This isn’t his first rodeo.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Dita Von Teese Not Boxed In

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 7:17 AM


When you are known solely for banging celebrities and stripping your clothes off it goes without saying you’ve gone down on a few chicks. Dita Von Teese felt the need to clarify she is no longer into pussy, most likely because whoever she’s currently blowing is a jealous dipshit who pressured her into saying this and just derailed a steamy FFM session. Rest assured having made sweet love to a bevy of women doesn’t make you a lesbian, much like having blown a few dudes in college doesn’t make you gay. Wait, one of those must be wrong:

“I feel like that’s something I experimented with when I was younger. I think knowing myself, I realized that it was something I was doing experimentally or because I thought it was cool. But I’m not a lesbian.”

I know the Von Teese type. They’ll do anything that involves their lady parts getting attention to momentarily quell the voices of inadequacy in their heads. That doesn’t really make you a lesbian or a pansexual or whatever category Facebook comes up with next. It just means you are DTF whatever half decent thing walks in the door. So, essentially, you’re a man.

Photo Credit: Instagram



Kris Jenner Photoshops Promo Pic

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:30 AM


Kris Jenner posted a photo with Gordon Ramsay promoting her cookbook and Photoshopped the shit out her and Ramsay’s face. She now resembles a young Elvis Presley or teen mom on an episode of Intervention. She also did a once over sandpapering of Ramsay’s face. Unfortunately he posted the same photo of each hell demon looking properly haggard and broken (see below, if you dare, fucking Halloween spooky).

Kris’ cookbook is a collection of rich tasty foods that Kris cooks for Khloe and then puts in bowls just out of her daughter’s paws. Kris apparently finds that comforting, a little reminiscing to when the girls were young and she trained then with a stick and a whistle. If you ever see these two “chefs” in the same room pull the fire alarm. It’s a nightmarish of cuntiness so profound it may actually alter the DNA you pass on to your children.