Toni Garrn Sort of Gets Her Revenge

By Lex December 10, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

Toni Garrn Wears Lingerie For GQ
Media outlets were spewing this morning how Toni Garnn got her payback on Leonardo DiCaprio by posing for these hot photos in GQ Magazine. I’m not sure people understand how revenge works. The appropriate response to your recent boyfriend banging twenty South Beach models with the help of amphetamines and divine will is to either bang twenty dudes yourself, wish The AIDS upon him, or take all his shit and stress eat ice cream straight from the container. Showing him and the rest of the world your titties isn’t exactly a Sicilian style vendetta. You’ve lost this round, but the war isn’t over yet. Think German fetish magazines.

Photo Credit: GQ

Olivia Munn Wears Leather

By Lex December 10, 2014 @ 9:24 AM

Olivia Munn Wears Leather Skirt With A High Slit To The Late Show With David Letterman In NYC
Girl power and BFFs and Throwback Thursday shits and giggles over how you both had crappy hair cuts in high school aside, women really instinctively hate other women named Olivia Munn. I’ve never noticed a stronger catty reaction to any woman in Hollywood than that to Olivia Munn. Chicks snarl when they speak of of her like she just stole their boyfriend with her nonpareil vagina that shuffles poker hands during refractory breaks. Women instinctively sense the nest is in danger when a hot chick who knows the difference between an illegal motion and an illegal procedure penalty in football is within pheromone distance. Sounds the claxons and unleash the fury of Athena. Somebody’s coming to in a bathroom stall at Curves with their labia Crazy Glued together.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

CIA Torture Report, Meh

By Lex December 10, 2014 @ 8:30 AM


Reading about radical Muslims hellbent on killing Americans being savagely beaten, mind-fucked, and having raisin hummus fired up their anuses all I could think about was, who the fuck cares? These are barbaric dudes meeting a barbarian’s fate. As a nation, we probably shouldn’t have secret backrooms in pierogi shops in Poland where we fire chickpeas up hairy dudes asses until they say uncle, but everybody has their vices. Torturing serial killers isn’t really all that bad on the grand master list of shitty things  you can do in life. It’s not even close to threatening to move your NFL franchise unless you get a taxpayer funded stadium or wearing a ponytail as a guy.

All of the weird overly made-up walking corpses we call Congresspeople waving around this CIA torture report have themselves authorized warfare and bombings and destruction to countless number of collaterally innocent people. Far more in number than the hundred high value Al Qaeda targets the CIA made listen to Blues Traveler on shuffle repeat until they snapped. It’s quite likely the intel gleaned from coercion wasn’t all that reliable. But that’s not fully what this was about. War is an ugly business. You don’t like the ugly, get out of the business. You start parsing what is more or less moral in a brutal endeavor and you will only end up looking like Diane Feinstein. You do not want that. Choose the hummus enema if given the option.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Being Dwayne Johnson Not Worth It

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 8:09 AM


Dwayne Johnson is open about being an insane workout guy. This is refreshing if you’ve ever met the super ripped dude who claims he only works out on occasion yet actually owns three gym memberships so people don’t notice what a psycho he is. The guy who’s dying to chug a sixer of beer but claims he’s ‘seeking clarity.’ Even though you’ll definitely bang college chicks, the amount of effort involved to attain Hercules status is unreasonable. Johnson recently posted a photo of his disgusting daily breakfast and his language suggests he is bugging out of his mind on the legal speed they sell at GNC:

“Breakfast of champions.. (or slightly crazy individuals). 5 packs of Cream of Wheat, 4 liquid chickens (scrambled) and 8oz of dead buffalo (or bison). #PostCardioBreakfast #TheRedSauceIsLionBlood #AlsoKnownAsKetchup.”

Fucking gross. If you’re wondering how much time you have to spend eating and therefore shitting to become The Rock, this is the amount of food he eats every day:

“Meal 1: 10 oz cod, 2 whole egg, 2 cups oatmeal Meal 2: 8 oz cod, 12 oz sweet potato, 1 cup veggies Meal 3: 8 oz chicken, 2 cups white rice, 1 cup veggies Meal 4: 8 oz cod, 2 cups rice, 1 cup veggies, 1 tbsp fish oil Meal 5: 8 oz steak, 12 oz baked potato, spinach salad Meal 6: 10 oz cod, 2 cups rice, salad Meal 7: 30 grams casein protein, 10 egg-white omelet, 1 cup veggies (onions, peppers, mushrooms), 1 tbsp omega-3 fish oil.”

Good luck keeping that freshman chick around when your bowels and bathroom are a superfund site. Couple that with having to wake up twice a night to chug egg whites and you’re searching for extra options. Factor in that Leo DiCaprio pulls chicks while his workout routine entails cheesesteaks in the sauna with a Walker Blue and egg cream chaser. Fuck a liquid chicken. Smell what I’m cookin’?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Charlie Sheen Allowed Around Children

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM


Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.

Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jessica Hart In Painted On Bikini

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM


Jessica Hart posed for Porter Magazine in a painted on gold bikini. I feel weird when I wear boxer briefs at the Hard Rock pool because I forgot to bring swim trunks. Actually that might be justified. Even getting a massage and begging for a hand job afterwards seems oddly personal, and I’m covered in a towel no matter how many times I remove it. I feel none of this compares to the feeling of having the inner region of your ass crack painted with golden twinkly paint. Don’t let it start to tickle, if you climax the process must be started over. Time is money. The stirrups and constant coughing make a communal shower seem comfortable by comparison. Then there’s having your anus blow dried. All just to sell some ad space for Ralph Lauren. Beats a cubicle.

Photo Credit: Porter Magazine 

Sharon Osbourne And Jay Leno Have Fucked

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 6:39 AM


Sharon Osbourne revealed a few details of the time she fucked Jay Leno to the Stern show while people listening vomited into their waste baskets at work. Outside of the surprising news that Leno indeed has a functioning human dick, the only information Osbourne offered is that he was a premature ejaculator, which I had him pegged for anyway:

“Well it only took a minute, so I’ll just say, it took a second, that was it.”

Osbourne clearly prefers hours long fuck marathons with half limp smack junkies who can’t finish. Or maybe the problem is just that they’re fucking Sharon Osbourne. Go in the other room and finish on a tissue. Blame it on the smack along with your tarnished solo career. All of this confirms my suspicion that Jay Leno is a diabolical robot who takes pleasure in worshiping mediocrity. This applies to his monologue jokes, an unbridled enthusiasm for interviewing the cast of Dancing With The Stars, and Sharon Osbourne’s pussy.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Abercrombie Loses 70 Year Old Punk Kid CEO

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 6:11 AM


Mike Jeffries, the creepy CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch who was almost certainly the inspiration for every 80′s rich kid movie villain, is retiring. Abercrombie has fallen on hard times. With the advancement of gay rights many have found they can go to a random stag bar to see a naked dude instead of a price inflated dank storefront that smells like your grandma’s house. Highly sought after 8th grade hockey recruits are distancing themselves from the official uniform of fraternity gang rape. Or possibly people are just over buying a seventy dollar T-Shirt which passersby tend to interpret as your undying support for Darren Wilson. This is as close to a gang affiliation as whitey is going to get, and your gang sucks. Jeffries became famous for some elitist bullshit he spewed which summed up why everyone hates people who shop at Abercrombie:

“We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

As their business fails it is comforting to know Abercrombie will be targeting a slightly different demographic. As they struggle to liquidate their inventory, which will lose status points once their assholes customers see the orange tags, they’ll be targeting the all-American cat lady buying marked down shit for the downstairs neighbor kids. They will be going after the sixty year old drifter who needs some clean shirts since he just bathed in the aqueduct. The socially inept mall shooter who still wants to fit in with the cool kids a decade after high school. It’s a shame they are branching out just as the company goes under. There were so many douchebags they never reached.

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