Paris Hilton Is Your DJ of the Year

By Lex November 13, 2014 @ 10:10 AM

Paris Hilton Voted Female DJ Of The Year At NRG DJ Awards
The DJ world was turned on its head last night when Paris Hilton was named the best female spinner in the universe by a group of daisy-chained French metrosexuals. The competition was stiff and included several other girls nobody has ever fucking heard of with sweet house music playlists on their iPods. A cynic might say that the award was in the bag when Paris agreed to pack her lazy eye nose magnet in her carry on and fly off to Monte Carlo to watch the envelope be opened. But I prefer to think of the cream rising to the top. Paris finally being recognized for bringing so much joy to so many people who don’t have an edit button on how they spend their time or money. Hirsute men in black silk shirts and women with faux fur lined herpes blend-in patches are the jury of Paris Hilton’s peers. Last night, through some questionable media outlet, they recognized her DJ genius. There’s no reason to shit on her accomplishments. Though for five thousand euros you could shit on her shoes at the after-party.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Britney Spears Has Love Contract

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 8:32 AM

Spears

Britney Spears made the trust fundy bearded dude she is dating sign a Non Disclosure Agreement before they even met. Charlie Ebersol apparently didn’t mind signing the document, which would make it illegal for him to talk to his friends about Spears’ meds or even her opinion of the McRib. It appears the one thing he is permitted to discuss is the Non Disclosure Agreement, and he’s also able to ask Spears basic questions he clears through her reps while they are having romantic dinners or awkward obligatory sex.

Your average chick has a few red flags. An ex boyfriend who still mows her lawn or a penchant for excessively squeezing oblong vegetables in the produce section. When she is riddled with peculiar habits and dark secrets to the point that the details of her life require a contract you may want to block her on Tinder. The Non Disclosure Agreement is really the Red Flag of Red Flags. Think about all the horrible crap you already know about Britney Spears. Now imagine there’s something way worse that she’s still hiding. Run, you bearded bon vivant, while you still have your good limbs.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Says Untrue Things

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 8:15 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow says she is proud of her wrinkles and doesn’t care about makeup or her face. This is atypical for someone who is exceptionally vein and obsessed with aesthetics right down to the hand crafted toilet paper holders she hawks. It is particularly outrageous when you realize she endorses several cosmetic products:

“I’m not the type to look in the mirror and study my looks… I don’t tend to wear much make-up either.”

Paltrow wants to pass off a hired stylist and a closet full of designer powders, creams and jellies and back alley kidney surgeon instruments as a natural look. How does a Photoshopped side boob on the cover of Cosmo draw the ire of the women’s lib movement and this shit flies? I don’t see how young women are supposed to measure up to this liar. Everyone hates that dude who works out six hours a day and tells you it’s good genes. Paltrow spends more time on her face than she wants you to know. She may not have implants or any cosmetic surgery she’s disclosing, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hold up an unrealistic standard of beauty and help lead a generation of insecure tweens to drown their image issues in the organic paisley Xanax she will soon be releasing on Goop.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Asian Chick Obsessed With Being Asian (VIDEO)

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

Joy Regullano has a web series called White Fetish in which she attempts to explain the horrific plight of being a young Asian woman in America. Other than having above average income levels, above average education levels, and no longer needing to eat the draft horse during the cold winter starvation cycle like grandma did, it’s tough being Asian in the States. According to Joy’s complete lack of irony, all white people generalize all Asian people. White people see Asians as weird aliens even though most of us have known them since childhood and met several more at the college where they represented an overwhelming majority of the students who gave a shit about going to class. Generalizing is okay if you’re a reasonably cute Asian chick. It’s less okay that being Asian is the most interesting thing about you. If you hate this place so much, why don’t you go back to China? Vietnam? Macao? Malaysiana…sapporo?

Mel Gibson Owes Robert Downey A Favor

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 7:10 AM

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When Robert Downey Jr begged Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson people were torn. Gibson represented a bigoted overlord oppressor type while anyone in the LA area would let Robert Downey cum in their hair just so they could tell their friends they are cool with him. Downey’s plea helped as Gibson’s pariah status has lessened to the point that most people in the biz will invite him to their Seder should he get a new blockbuster financed. Downey is now saying he will only make another Iron Man movie if Gibson is the director, making Robert Downey the most loyal and charitable friend on earth who shits Skittles and has a cute Jr after his name. Gibson is a devout Christian so this concept should be familiar. Downey is Jesus and Gibson is the hideously deformed anti-Semitic leper. I fell asleep in bible study before I found out what happened next, but I think it was Iron Man IV grossing one billion worldwide despite being mediocre at best.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Kim Kardashian Naked and Unpaid, What the Fuck Happened to America?

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 11:01 PM

Kim-Kardashian-Naked-in-Paper-Mag-LB

Kim Kardashian was not paid for her Charlie McCarthy like like full frontal cover shoot for Paper Magazine since Paper Magazine is not a legitimate magazine and does not have the money to pay their cover models. Hence their willingness to put a lubed up silicon injected case of steatopygia on their cover. The New Yorker and Buttman passed because they have standards. Paper Magazine would gladly slap James Franco humping a Fleshlight on their cover if his agent called. Anything to get over the hump toward becoming a legitimate publication.

Kim’s look at me now grand Shopped up titty extravaganza is some kind of wonderful. Or horrible, until you imagine calling her names while pulling her genie hair then it goes back to wonderful. Try to imagine how disappointed sperm is when it finds out who you were looking at when you made it. I’m crying too.

Photo Credit: Paper Magazine

Emma Stone Is Now Legit

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 2:04 PM

Emma Stones Broadway Debut In Cabaret
I don’t particularly understand musical theater. Whenever somebody around me breaks out into song, my natural inclination is to want to punch them in the face until they can’t sing any longer. I don’t need the Postman or the Nightclub Owner or the Prostitute emoting to music. It just makes me anxious that I never really survived the plane crash and this island is actually purgatory.

Actors love to work in legit theater. It’s considered the purer art form and separates the pretty faces from the thespians. Everyone can tell Emma Stone how marvelous she was in the last crappy Spiderman movie, but until she’s fawning for the Broadway Cabaret audience applause, she knows exactly what Dame Judi Dench is thinking when the run into each other at events, this young tart’s fucking somebody to get parts. Dame Judi might be onto something.

Photo Credit: Richard Phibb/Getty

Fake Female Social Experiment Number 873 (VIDEO)

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 1:50 PM

There’s now a cottage industry around girls with large racks walking the urban landscape with hidden cameras for the purpose of showing the world what the world already knows. Some percentage of dudes are skeevy predators. You don’t say? I can’t even tell if this video is completely staged or only mildly staged and biased in the editing, but apparently drinking to excess out of a brown paper bag in a short sundress on a street known to be littered with petty thieves and miscreants is a bad idea. So, ladies, if that was your plan for today, please, watch this video before it’s too late.

I’m not clear on the exact purpose of these lesser tier feminist YouTube forays. Short of castration and imprisonment, you can’t really stop rapey dudes from being rapey and the courts tend to frown upon harsh punishments for people simply because they’re creepy. I suppose it’s for everybody to gasp and add their sycophantic I’m anti-rape too declarations. The net effect is to make most men hate feminists for lumping them into some all-male predator status that the vast majority simply don’t deserve. As a white male, I’ve always been immune to stereotyping and prejudice and I’d like to keep it that way.

Wonderful, you found (or hired) four dudes on Hollywood Blvd. trying to convince a hot drunk girl to come back to their place. I could go down to Hollywood Blvd. right now and unmask four costumed superheroes with actual felony convictions. I win. I guess.