By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 8:20 AM
California has a water crisis of galactic proportions. According to the crony packed state boards, it’s because the statue of the boy peeing in my backyard is wasting water. Here’s a hint, water Nazis, that’s not a statue, that’s a real boy. Yes, David Geffen, I have one too. The big on rules people don’t want us to flush our piss or wash our cars or water our lawns. They paid somebody’s brother-in-law to invent a catchy new drought slogan: Brown is the New Green. First I thought it was a call to not flush our shits any more either. But then I realized it was just a stunningly clever word play to let our lawns die so we can replace them with sod that takes a huge amount of water to maintain.
Rather than build California’s first water storage facility in over forty years or cease coddling baby fish by dumping precious reservoir water into the Pacific, the seventeen different water agencies combined into one mega-bureaucrat and asked Lady Gaga to record a seventeen second PSA. When you’re in crisis mode, you want Lady Gaga on the bridge.
“We’re thrilled Lady Gaga has joined the effort to Save Our Water. Conservation has always been a Californian value, but in this drought regular conservation isn’t enough — we must take extraordinary measures to save water.”
– Mark Cowin, director of the California Department of Water Resources
And, by extraordinary measures, he means not bothering the commercial agri-businesses who use 80% of the water in the state. Also, asking people to listen to Lady Gaga’s voice without feeling the need to drown yourself in a tub, which is absolutely horrible for water conservation. At least until you start decomposing and turn a muted brown. Then you’re the new green and your name shall be heralded in song by people apologizing to trees for the invention of the combustion engine.
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 7:37 AM
One Direction’s Zayn Malik created chaos among his prepubescent legion of Forever 21 shoppers by posting a photo of himself wearing a wedding ring. Malik’s spokesperson said the ring is merely an engagement ring and requested that only girls with gross deformities who Mailk would likely never fuck throw themselves out of windows in despair. I’m not sure how anyone even noticed a simple band amid his earrings, chains, and knockoff Ed Hardy ink.
I don’t think his female fans have much to worry about. Their best chance at a post show honey wagon blowjob will likely come after he ties the knot or once his career trajectory plummets into the ground after his balls drop. My Celebrity Gay Pool probably just took a solid hit, though I’m holding out hope Zayn’s fellow harmonizers rape him one night after a particularly awesome show in Gstaad. If your Gay Pool doesn’t include forced sex, you need to change leagues.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Selena Gomez perfectly captured her generation’s mantra in a new tattoo, which reads Love Yourself First. It was translated from an Arabic phrase, because translating common phrases from a foreign language is a good way to make idiotic tattoos seem exotic. Tats also serve to advertise your global spirituality while not requiring you to actually read a book or even a lengthy pamphlet. Being a Muslim seems cool but I’m not fucking reading the Quran when I still have three more Harry Potter books to go.
I was curious as to who Gomez considered the star of her solar system ever since her new porn star tits blocked the pop ups on my web browser. I remember the golden rule about loving others like you want them to love you. This Love Yourself First axiom is just a slight celebrity twist on that old standard. Though it’s also possible it was incorrectly translated from Arabic and the phrase is actually supposed to read, Death to Israel, Falafel half price before 5pm. Yeah, that was kind of racist
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:01 AM
Floyd Mayweather said he is actually friends with Justin Bieber and not just pretending to like Justin Bieber like the rest of the people who like Justin Bieber. Mayweather was offended when it was suggested otherwise, as if him and Biebs used to hustle in the same crew back in the D in the late 80′s:
“To me, that’s kind of racial profiling”
Clearly Mayweather does not understand what that term means. Being questioned about your relationship with a twink Canadian pop star does not make you the next Rubin Hurricane Carter. People don’t find your best buddies relationship strange because Bieber is white. Nobody thinks it’s weird that Tim Duncan is friends with Manu Ginobili. Denzel Washington has probably never been asked why he occasionally dines with Tom Hanks, since neither of them are known sociopaths or will be releasing a line of backpacks together in the near future.
Nobody hangs with Bieber unless he is buying. Alright maybe to pick off some barely legal Beliebers, but young white chicks don’t like getting punched. They’re not like old school entourage who could take a fist to the brow and keep mum for the authorities. Mayweather either has a low down fetish for bratty schoolchildren or is grooming Bieber for a future restaurant chain investment loan once he blows his fight money on child support and paying off the goombahs who fixed his Mosley fight. ‘Because I actually like Justin’ is not a legitimate answer to any question.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 3:06 PM
Every now and then one of the NFL teams hire a 40-year old mom with a great body to be a cheerleader so that people forget about all the slavery and sexual harassment claims all the other cheerleaders across the NFL are filing in courts. Also, it provides the people at Oxygen the chance to make a movie about something other than a woman undergoing gastric bypass surgery. Kriste Lewis is the latest, being hired by the New Orleans Saints to show off her mom tits at home games.
Standing before a panel of judges, Lewis calmed her nerves by remembering her husband’s motto — “focus and fun” — as she tried out for the Saintsations in April.
Fuck, no wonder he got himself a hot cheerleader wife. Just check out that motto. Mine’s ‘hot wings and hot dumps’ which hasn’t impressed a single woman yet, even when I show them the ankle tattoo. Personally, I think it’s great that a woman at forty has the ambition to dance in skimpy costumes and get groped like she was a teenager at a Halloween party again. It’s almost like returning to medical school to become a doctor, except you don’t get to save lives and your hair smells like The Superdome.
Photo Credit: Kriste Lewis/Facebook, The New Orleans Saintsations
By Jack July 16, 2014 @ 1:44 PM
Seth MacFarlane is being sued by the makers of a web-series. They claim that MacFarlane stole their idea of a drunken asshole teddy bear to make his movie Ted. I saw some of the videos and it does look pretty similar in the drunken asshole teddy bear genre. Either way, he probably owes the universe some cash back for letting Family Guy be popular.
Read more about Seth’s troubles at the drunken teddy bear picnic. (Defamer)
Genevieve Morton tits aren’t just for breakfast anymore. (Hollywood Tuna)
Nicole Sherzinger’s boobs are the real talent. (Popoholic)
Isla Fisher likes to wear see-through shirts and I support her right to do so. (Fish Wrapper)
Paris Hilton’s music video has a herpes infected unicorn (The Superficial)
Denise Richards is keeping it tight in this pink bikini. (Huffington Post)
A sneak peek at Uncle Terry’s Playboy shoot. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 1:18 PM
Nicole Scherzinger is proof that you don’t need to be good at a lot of things to be successful in life. Just pick one good one to master. Hitting a dimpled ball into a cup and having a crazy fine ass are two I’d recommend to boys and girls respectively. Not that girls can’t play golf too, but unless you’re a lesbian nobody is going to talk to you in the locker room. If you’ve got a great ass, you’ll never be lonely.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 11:49 AM
The older you get, the easier it is to lament how shit used to be much better. But it’s rarely true. Oh, fuck no, people are becoming famous just for posting photos of their tits and ass in bikinis on Instagram. That’s a bad thing I guess. Remember when people had to have real talent to become famous? Yeah, I don’t either. And now we get to see their yabbos with one click of a button. I don’t see how this is not a huge improvement.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet