Claudia Jordan in A Bikini

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 12:19 PM

Claudia Jordan Wears A Pink Bikini To The Beach With Friends In Miami
I mostly remember this chick from Deal or No Deal, the show you watched just waiting for Howie Mandel to bring a gun and start mowing people down suitcase holders to terminate their microbial afflictions. She’s also now on one of those Real Housewives shows even though she’s not a housewife, a wife, or real so much. Nobody cares anymore about titles or truths. Those are bygone days. Can you give men wood into your 40′s. That’s why Jordan’s at the beach and you’re at work. She isn’t crying about people saying means things to her on Twitter. She’s letting the Atlantic ocean massage her crackers and wondering how she’ll look that night getting out of a Lambo. That’s real power.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Rob Kardashian On the Run And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Rob Kardashian called his sister Kim out for being a sociopathic murderer. Either he’s right or he’s wrong. Either way, he’s dead.

Read all about Rob getting Gone Girled. (TMZ)

Start your week off right, with girls with giant boobs. (The Chive)

Summer St. Claire shows her topless bug yums in the great outdoors. (Egotastic)

Megan Fox models in a sheer bodysuit for a Korean skincare line. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lauren Stoner in a bikini is faptacular. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Lowndes Instagrams a picture of her sweet ass in a bikini. (Popoholic)

Anais Zanotti, Ana Braga, and Tahiti Cora frolic in bikinis. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio Too Skinny To Model

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 11:43 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears Jean Shorts While Out To Lunch
American politicians are weak-kneed knob gobblers. But they still lick the French. Those fuckers wake up every day and ask themselves how can we be more like our hero, the prison bitch. Legislators in France are pushing a law that will compel the French fashion industry to only employ models with a minimum body mass index of 18. 18 is considered bottom of the viably healthy range by the World Health Organization. 16′s and 17′s are more common among your starving types in the Sudan and cotton ball eaters getting paid six-figures to hit the catwalk during Fashion Week. Alessandra Ambrosio would be fucked. She’s a 16.8, which approximates the girth of a cancer patient just before the priest arrives for last rites. And so what? There’s no company that doesn’t want Alessandra modeling their clothes. There’s no man that doesn’t want to bang her skeletal frame while her judgement wanes from low blood sugar.

She seems happy. Who the fuck are the French to tell her she’s a danger to herself and a poor role model for girls. She’s the perfect role model for girls who want to be rich and famous fashion models. If that’s your thing, say goodbye to food. You want to be a sumo wrestler, you’ll eat ten times a day. Pick your job according to your love of Wendy’s and if you want a 2 or a 4 in front of your jean’s waist size. If France really cared about girls, they’d make it illegal for chain smoking men in scarves to enlist middle schools girls into their photo modeling studios. Forcing a girl to watch a gloomy man pleasure himself to a Johnny Hallyday rock anthem is far worse than convincing her not to eat on days that end in a ‘y’.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ashley Judd’s Internet Troll Crusade The Best Celebrity Internet Troll Crusade Yet This Week

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 10:33 AM

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Attacking social media trolls is the new me-too take for celebrities who in 2015 have suddenly become aware of the trolls who’ve existed since it was the ARPANET in the 70′s and Army dudes were calling Navy dudes dipshit fag nuts via teletext. Guys who called Ashley Judd a cunt on Twitter or talked about wishing they could shove their obviously large dicks in her ass deserve a beatdown as all insanely stupid people do. She’s rooting for Kentucky on Twitter. It’s basketball. Write Wildcats SUCKKK!!!! and then maybe comment on her latest plastic surgery cat eyes and move the fuck on.

Ashley Judd is going after the trolls with a combination of essays on being sexually assaulted as a child, a series of sympathetic editorials from men who believe men are inherently evil save for themselves, naturally, and potentially lawsuits and getting people kicked out of shit ala Curt Schilling. Once again I’m left wondering why. It’s lamentable that some percentage of men are pigs. That you can’t do everything in this world in a completely safe and sane environment. It’d be nice if you could feed your ego by being a social media star on all things sports and global warming and only have people respond positively and with lots of Likes and LOLs and thumbs up. Grow the fuck up. The world isn’t perfect. You can’t repair the cracks with empty crusader tears.

If you want girls to be free of social media trolls, get them off social media. It’s a complete waste of time. Inspire them to become the next Silicon Valley CEO, not the next feuding low paid Internet fame whore. You’re a 46 year old actress with some decent residuals piled up. You might have time for 18,000 Tweets and taking a few weeks off to chase down the trolls. It’s not surrender to move on to more productive pursuits. Jesus doesn’t give you scoreboard for pointless battles. Get five chicks and yourself off Twitter and you’ll have saved the world.

Photo credit: GettyImages

Kelly Brook Needs a Better Show

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Kelly Brook Wears Short Jean Shorts While Shopping For Lingerie In Beverly Hills
Ellen’s produced sitcom about a super hot blond lesbian chick making a baby with her supportive straight guy friend isn’t doing well with critics outside of those in Hollywood who fear for their working lives. You talk shit about Ellen in the Thirty Mile Zone, you might as well take your own life in the tub like the defeated Roman generals. The show will continue on given nobody has the balls to face Ellen across her mighty oak desk and explain that the funnier lesbian jokes are about lesbians and not by lesbians because that’s human nature. Also why Margaret Cho lives in an apartment. America is more than ready for lesbians, just check out pay cable after 10pm. Just not sandals and Subaru jokes. You’ve got Kelly Brook locked up for twelve more episodes. I’m no fancy TV writer, but if she and Elisha Cuthbert start motorboating in the shower, you could pocket another Montecito mansion in tokens. I’m ready to accept my GLAAD Media Award now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Cancel Your Twitter Account, Thank Me Later

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 8:33 AM

Joey-Casselberry-Offensive-Tweet

The Disney Channel is making a movie about that chick who pitched in the Little League World Series last summer, Mo’ne Davis. Pretty much the whole world either found it inspirational that a girl was pitching in the LLWS for the first time ever or they didn’t give a shit. Those would be the two appropriate responses. Joey Casselberry, a college pitcher at Bloomsburg University felt the need to call this fourteen year old female pitcher a slut. Red alert, Joey. After the fact deletion is not an option. Casselberry got booted from the university baseball team.

The fact that your employer or family or school will disown you if you say incredibly stupid shit on social media is not new news. It’s old news. Maybe Grandpa doesn’t get it. Every kid in college does. You’ve Tweeted 3,900 times. The odds were running ever longer against you. Nobody can say 3,900 things without saying something that’s blatantly offensive. That’s why you don’t publish everything that comes to your mind at 2am when you’re drunk and angry. Social media was not designed to open up your hurt locker and flush out your darkness. Well, not under your real name. Welcome to famous, Joey Casselberry.

Rob Kardashian In A Twist

By Matt March 23, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

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Rob Kardashian posted a photo of the evil manipulative chick from Gone Girl along with the caption “This is my sister Kim, the bitch from Gone Girl.” Curiously, Rob’s Instagram page consists solely of this photo because he either has body dysmorphia or nobody likes him enough to take pictures. After posting the photo Rob then unfollowed his entire family on Instagram like a motherfucking boss. I thought posting cryptic cries for attention on social media was reserved for teenage girls and stereotypical gay men in their early forties. Kim Kardashian is clearly a shameless dullard yet comparing her to a serial murderer seems misplaced. A better reference might be Charlie Sheen in Wall Street if he didn’t have a job and was dumb and had big fake tits with rapper cum caking on them. Or maybe Rob’s trying to tell us she really is murdering people who get in her way.  I guess we’ll know when Rob shows up in a ditch with slashes to his neck and designer socks. Nobody will say we figured this out too late.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Randy Quaid Can’t Be Stopped

By Matt March 23, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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Canadian exiles and fervent meth addicts Randy and Evi Quaid uploaded a series of sex tapes they made to the Internet. It shows Quaid with a Unabomber beard going down on his wife, then she sucks his dick and they fuck while a dog yaps relentlessly in the background and you cry. They succeed marvelously in making the audience feel dirty but I missed the larger point. This should stand alone as the grossest celebrity sex tape on record until we finally get that footage of Artie Lange crying and fucking a rented watermelon while cutting himself. Assuming that doesn’t exist they’re in the clear.

The videos are a part of the Quaids’ delusional amphetamine fueled belief that they are systematically having their bank accounts drained and being charged with crimes they didn’t commit by the US government and Rupert Murdoch. It’s unclear why the government would have any interest in this or how making a sticky cringeworthy sex tape is a proper response. Like blowing a homeless guy to protest ObamaCare. I’m supposed to say I hope these two get the help they need but I really just want to see how bad this can get. I have some theories on chem trails. Send your encouragement.

Photo Credit: VidMe.com/RandyQuaid