By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 10:22 AM
There’s something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It’s whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies.
In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th!
The exclamation point seems a bit much. The damaged clanswomen who exchange their colored beads for your book don’t need prodding to seal their position as bottom rung on the mental food chain. The entire point of Earth Day is to sell somebody on something. Kim showing off her tits in front of a bush isn’t any more cynical than Governor Brown forgetting to mention that I can no longer wash my balls because we need more almond milk for the anti-vaxxers in Santa Barbara. Everybody’s lying on Earth Day. Kim had the decency to show off her tits. That’s called a mitigating factor. Buy her book and complete the circle. I’m moving to Seattle where the are no televisions.
Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram/Elle France
By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 9:56 AM
If you can find a girl who smiles broadly while having her tits commercially exploited, marry her. But in a third world country where official documents are still produced on dot matrix ASCII printers. At some point those cute Post-Its she hides in your bag for work are going to include disturbing confessionals of things she did to survive as a child. Remind her that immolating her three uncles in their sleep was surely self-defense even as you consult your attorney on how much to annul your Malaysian marriage. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Not with tits like that.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Just 25-days ago America’s finest music makers were on a podium declaring the death of Spotify and Pandora and announcing the launch of Tidal, the true artist-fair music app. Kanye West, Madonna, that dude in the Mickey Mouse head, and Nicki Minaj got doe-eyed explaining how Tidal would cost only twice as much as its competitors so Madonna could afford a decent oneg shabbat spread for her Kabbalah cluster. That pretty much killed Tidal in the crib. Even Kanye’s hand upon Tidal couldn’t save that fucker. After a few downloads in the opening week, Tidal dropped off the bottom of the iPhone charts while Spotify and Pandora both had record signups thanks to a bunch of unlikable famous people talking shit about them. The enemy of my app is my friend. Displaying his unwavering loyalty, Kanye has removed the Tidal logo from his Twitter profile and retro-deleted every single Tweet he’d made about the service. Then he announced his won-loss record remains perfect. Memorial services for Tidal will be held later this week. Beyonce will sing a song she didn’t write and bitch about how she’s not getting songwriter royalties.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
Maxim’s Hottest Girl in the Universe Since the Dawn of Time stopped shaving her pits to signify that she’s ready for a new mate. Canadian geese do the same as do fetish serial killers. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger are taking a break from their relationship after Cyrus discovered Schwarzenegger boning other girls and Schwarzenegger discovered boning other girls felt really good. I’d recommend this sort of college kid and this sort of singer girl date other people and stay away from exclusive until they’re mature enough to handle the responsibility. Or until they lose their ability to easily fuck pretty much whoever they want. Options are the death knell of committed relationships.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
A fledgling singer who was apparently friends with Mila Kunis while growing up in the Ukraine is suing her for five thousand dollars because Kunis stole her pet chicken when they were kids. Kristina Karo now claims she needs to a shrink because of the emotional trauma, as do I after browsing her Instagram photos. Think Marilyn Manson if he slept on a potato sack and smoked discarded cigarette butts outside the Greyhoud station. It’s unclear if this is a publicity stunt or if Karo is truly bat shit crazy. Both of them were insolent for keeping a chicken as a pet in the desolate rubble of their motherland. Why are we eating gruel and when do I stab your pet in the head with a screwdriver and drop it into some hot oil? Karo’s suit will likely go nowhere, yet I’d suggest she be deported for disrespecting our legal system with tails of Mrs. Ashton Kutcher kidnapping her chickens. I heard cruise ships are hiring. Not to sing, are you fucking crazy? Here’s some rubber gloves, keep your head down and try not to scare anyone.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 7:03 AM
A Utah high school teacher who admitted she fucked three or her male students to the point of exhaustion will be sentenced to 1-15 years for each count. Brianne Altice continued to bang one of the kids even after she’d been arrested and released on bail, because her craving for teen dick would take thirty years of Scientology to mask properly. This woman would brave a firing squad for a hot load and then send the youngster on his way with a crisp ten dollar bill in his knickers. One of the boys she sucked off considered her his girlfriend. I’d say he was doing pretty well. All the hot chicks in your class are sluts are prudes. I’m not judging anyone involved.
We’re running out of water and we’ll probably be speaking Chinese in a few years, but this problem requires immediate attention. Hot female teachers should be able to fuck their students. End of story. The only tragedy here is how many boys are now going to lose their virginity to fat girls from band drunk on post-game punch instead of being educated properly by a hot blond in her 30′s. Put a candle in the window for Ms. Altice. She was the last of the good ones.
Photo Credit: KUTVNews/Youtube
By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 6:34 AM
When Ben Affleck appeared on the PBS snooze fest Finding Your Roots, which traces the guest’s genealogy to the nearest Coppola, he successfully lobbied the show’s producers to exclude the revelation that one of his distant relatives owned slaves. The information was leaked in Sony’s hacked emails which are now being milked for any last drop of anything interesting. Affleck apologized for being a psychotic image obsessed douche:
“I didn’t want any television show about my family to include a guy who owned slaves. I was embarrassed. The very thought left a bad taste in my mouth.”
You didn’t do anything wrong Ben. At best you share 8o percent DNA with the dude who was raping Africa. Minimizing this country’s history of slavery doesn’t do any favors to anyone involved. If this was somebody with whom you politically disagreed, you’d be making snarky comments about it with Bill Maher over martinis and olives stuffed with non-disclosure agreements for your dates. Don’t trust anyone who’s squeaky clean. Beneath that shit eating grin there’s a plantation house in Augusta full of dubious ghost stories. Time to man up. I’d say your Batman fortune could provide some solid reparations. Sign here. Still waiting.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt April 23, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
People Magazine named Sandra Bullock 2015′s Most Beautiful Person after a highly contentious process which utilized multiple analytics to pander to their aging readership and P.R. firm connections. At 50, Sandra Bullock is still pretty hot. And my car is in good shape for a ’98 Eclipse minus the Nader bumper sticker but I’m not entering it in any parades. Bullock for her part was humble, before she went home and rubbed one out to the cover:
“I’ve never been a great beauty. I’ve never been a bombshell that was coveted.”
Stop the presses, we’ve made a huge mistake. Of course being hot isn’t the end game here. It’s all about not threatening the yentas who read in pictures and thought bubbles. The receptionist at People is most likely hotter than Bullock but that could send you to the ice cream aisle in a fit of self doubt. Let me make this easy for you: Your husband is attracted to her. He’d probably have dinner with Bullock. Dame Judi Dench named runner up. Sorry models.
Photo Credit: Twitter