By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 6:09 AM
Former NBA player Joe Smith is pissed his reality show girlfriend is not being prosecuted for stealing his money. Law enforcement just got together and agreed dipshits who date chicks on VH-1 deserve what they get. Just be grateful she didn’t shiv your balls off while you were sleeping. Moniece Slaughter, whose dad lost a bet when he named her, wrote over $100,000 dollars in bogus Joe Smith checks to some stranger who cashed them. One would think this would be sufficient evidence for prosecution but the police aren’t doing anything because the problems of rich ballers leave them feeling nothing. Though do look for cops to obtain a search warrant so they can check out the nude selfies on Slaughter’s phone. Smith should be grateful he’s escaping with part of his dignity. Odds he still taps it occasionally remain higher than his free throw percentage.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 12:42 PM
Victoria Silvstedt has been missing from public view since her immersion in a stasis tank filled with hep-c blockers and finely shredded paper currencies from the G8 nations. The murky colloid allows her skin to be rejuvenated and her lips and breasts to be re-inflated to specs customized from survey responses of wealthy benefactors around the globe. The result is another twelve months of free rent and enormous tubes that cast no known shadow.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 12:26 PM
Just when you think, oh, shit, a woman is claiming Cosby slipped her a mickey and raped her in his bungalow all the way back to the 80′s, along comes an AARP member with stories of Cosby and his I feel funny cocktails back in the 60′s. Cosby’s like a raping Highlander. He’s been journeying through time knocking out girls and pleasuring himself since the days of the ancient Celtics. If there’s one thing these Cosby stories have taught us, by the time Cos offers you a redeye cocktail, you’ve already been raped. Or worse according to Joan Tarshis at age nineteen heading back to his bungalow on the Universal lot to ‘talk about material’:
The next thing I remember was coming to on his couch while being undressed. Through the haze I thought I was being clever when I told him I had an infection and he would catch it and his wife would know he had sex with someone. But he just found another orifice to use.
That’s so Cosby. Resourceful bastard. Knee-jerk defenders will point out all of the comedian’s accusers have been young women looking for a leg up in the business and perhaps overly open to some imprudent visits back to the redeye bungalow. But of course they are. Rapists who leap out of alleys wielding knives end up spending their lives in prison. Savvy predators end up living full lives and winning awards and having libraries named after them because they have the cunning to subdue easy targets who will shrink after their attack.
The number of women coming out by name with eerily similar accusations means a case that will never be brought in court is already pretty much settled in public perception. It’s sad really. 7th Heaven dad flashing grade school girls. Cosby unnecessarily drugging young women to feed some weird sexual deviancy. Kindly priests and inspiring coaches. It’s impossible to say who is the raping type anymore. You’re only chance to make it to twenty without orifice violation is to be a pudgy unattractive boy. Thank you, Jesus. You said my blessings would be hidden.
By Jack November 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
A couple weeks ago Jose Canseco claims he accidentally shot off his finger while cleaning a gun, as happens to millions of Americans daily. He had the digit re-attached by some discount doctor and the finger fell off during a poker game in Vegas. It’ll all be in his next hilarious autobiography, Funny Shit That Happened on the Way to My Rape Trial.
How will he hold the ‘roids syringe with only four fingers? (The Superficial)
The Dropkick Murphys ran a guy the fuck over with their tour bus. (TMZ)
Is it just me or is Angelina Jolie looking more and more like Skeletor? (Huffington Post)
Melanie Ribbe is all kinds of naked in these “arty” shots. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Alexandra Erickson and this is her ass. (Hollywood Tuna)
Yara Khmidan in a bikini is faaaaaptastic. (Popoholic)
Amy Jackson’s tits are big and plump like a tit melon. (Celebslam)
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
I don’t wish death on anybody. That’s some necromancer karma you don’t want bouncing back. But I do gamble on it. Tara Reid has been eating up space in my 2014 celebrity death pool since January 1. The Sharknado resurrection seemed a setback, but seeing Tara exit the plane in Australia I’ve started easing into my winnings. Tara’s traveled to Australia presumably to trek out into the Outback until kangaroos feast on her desiccated carcass. It’s a Circle of Life ending her agent convinced her was her best career option. After a few weeks of tribute songs, Jedward will Segway along her path of Wasabi peas and retrieve her sun bleached remains. Something to display at the Turnpike Rest Area to be named in her honor.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:24 AM
Every cast member who wasn’t killed during the production of the original Crow reassembled at a crappy theater at midnight in L.A. to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the film’s original release. The Crow is s mostly known for Bruce Lee’s son taking a bullet fragment from a gun supposedly filled with blanks and dying during production. Conspiracies about ancient Chinese Kung-Fu mobsters taking him out with the dark arts was far more entertaining than the goth comic movie itself. Bai Ling was in the original. I think she was like fifty then. Which makes seeing her tits at this 20th anniversary screening somewhat impressive. You could do worse than imitating her health regimen. Or her appreciation for the adult Halloween haunted house miming arts.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:07 AM
Every five to ten years, Bono and Gay Beethoven and Bob Geldof and whoever’s hot in the British pop music scene spend another few hours re-recording the exact same fucking song to cure the latest African hardship. It started thirty years ago with Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas?, an ensemble recording designed to heal Ethiopia of being one super crappy place to live. Fifty million radio plays later, Ethiopia is still a shit hole. For Band Aid 30, it’s Ebola. The boys from One Direction are determined to snuff it out. They changed ‘feed the world’ to ‘heal the world’ which is short for can somebody please fucking buy the Congo some indoor plumbing already. If Ebola was feeling perhaps a bit over-confident what with Obama offering it red carpet welcomes in the U.S, and the fact that half of Sierra Leone still sees diarrhea as a potable liquid, this new Band-Aid recording ought to send shivers down its viral spine. You’re done, Ebola. This song cured famine in sub-Saharan Sudan, turned Haiti into a thriving economic juggernaut, and it’s going to flush Ebola right down Santa’s crapper.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Solange Knowles finally married the much older music video director she’s been dating for several years. The couple threw an intricately planned New Orleans wedding that involved everything from a pantomimed re-creation of the levees breaking during Katrina to 50,000 local school children being bused to the Super Dome to serenade Solange with some of her more famous songs that nobody’s ever heard. It’s nice to see Solange finally getting out of the shadow of her more popular and talented and better looking sister. Solange and her tits seemed particularly pleased to be the center of attention for something other than her hair falling out in two fisted clumps or beating up Jay Z in an elevator. Every girl deserves to be a princess on their wedding day. There’s plenty of time for punches and shrill recriminations after the guests have gone home.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet