There’s a social theory that like minded individuals will eventually seek each other out and coalesce into groups. Craigslist has expedited this process with their Metrosexual Males Married to Kendra Wilkinson Seeking Curious Tranny Bottoms Into Tennis personals sections. You can type in the four most secretly shameful things about yourself and be connected to a klatch that meets at Carrow’s every other Thursday. I think that’s how these two girls met on the beach. Inflated bleached blonde sisters from foreign lands just trying to make it in America without specific industry codes. Just select ‘other’. When immigration comes knocking, slip on these pink thongs. I’ve seen the deportation lines. Nobody looks like you.
If there is an actual race to the bottom for inanely worded computer generated pop songs, it’s time to hand out the award. Pop music for teen girls never required musically gifted performers. But they had to provide vocals. If that last connection to song production is no longer part of the process, then you can literally plug in anybody. Why the freaky looking albino? You’ve just savaged my Britney Spears fap with that Poltergeist possessed dancing mannequin. Somewhere the parents of Bananarama are crying for having wasted money on singing lessons.
Blac Chyna is suing rapper and Kylie Jenner fucker Tyga for full custody of the bastard baby boy they had together. I don’t envy the judge on this case. “Do I give the kid to the douche with the neck tattoos or the herpetic whore?”
Read all about Blac Chyna’s plea to get custody of their tax write off. (TMZ)
Vanessa Hudgens says that bras are for suckers. (Egotastic)
Here are a bunch of gifs of Jennifer Lopez’s ass and tits. (COED)
Here’s Khloe Kardashian trying to make us care about her ass. (Huffington Post)
Cambodia stepped into modern television entertainment way too quickly. The U.S had decades of silent movies and vaudeville comedy and radio dramas before they started broadcasting the Texaco Star Theater. Cambodia got electricity in their big cities and moved right into wacky variety hour. A show called Like It Or Not which for Mother’s Day told an American girl living in Cambodia that they’d found her long lost mom and was going to reunite them on television.
Autumn Allen hasn’t seen her mom since she was six and her dad moved with her to Cambodia. I don’t know how bad shit got with the mom, but if you have to move your kid to Cambodia to get some distance, let’s just call it fucking horrible. Autumn’s become something of a celebrity in Cambodia being that she’s American and sings and performs. The show convinced Autumn they had her mom backstage as the young teen girl teared up and said this was her dream (4:20 mark in the video). Then, out came the tranny Cambodian comic. Ru Paul Pot. I’d like some points on that nickname. Even the audience who once witnessed the Killing Fields were left horrified. After the show Autumn told everybody she was sure the prank was all meant in good fun, and, oh, by the way, can you untie my dad from the metal bed frame and power down those battery transformers.
It’s hard to imagine this kind of cruel and tasteless prank being pulled on American television. Which is exactly why Cambodian television is so much better.
Taking a respite from their obsession with all things cock, the ancient Greeks invented what they referred to as the golden ratio of the female body based on tit to waist to hip measurements. It’s like the old 36-24-26 bit but with real math that makes it less fun. A British lingerie company ran a bunch of celebrity measurements through the formula and discovered Scarlett Johansson most approximated the golden ratio. The entire top golden ratios bodies list contained a bunch of buxom hourglass actresses and Cameron Diaz who snuck in under the same rule that awards the girl with Down Syndrome the Homecoming Queen title at schools filled with teens from the third act of John Hughes movies. More importantly, anorexics now have a more classic reason to skip meals. Try telling Archimedes you feel beautiful the way you are. He knows exactly how much water you displace in the tub.
In California, it’s impossible to fire anybody unless you have photos of them watering their lawns on restriction days. In North Korea, downsizing is simpler. Kim Jong Un discovered that his Defense Minister was nodding off during his speeches and making some Jong Un is so fucking fat jokes at cocktail parties so he had Hyon Yong Choi marched out in front of an anti-aircraft gun and asked if he felt lucky. The ZPU-4 blasts large caliber ammunition to a range of 25,000 feet. At 20 feet, it probably stings something fierce. Jong Un made sure his inner circle was present at Choi’s evisceration so they’d adjust their comedy routines accordingly. Hey, Park, you’re the new Defense Minister, you got something smart to say?
Last year, Jong Un had his uncle eaten to death by hungry hunting dogs. You’d think that lesson would’ve stuck. He’s gruesomely murdered seventy government officials in the four years he’s been the Supreme Awesome Leader. That’s just how you get shit done North Korean style. If Jong Un ran McDonald’s, he’d show pictures of Choi eating tracer rounds and then ask the counter girls if they really deserved $31,000 a year just because they decided ninth grade was the right time to start a family. In North Korea, the moat crocodiles don’t care about your political agenda.
Maria Bello says only in Hollywood could a woman announce she’s in love with another woman and still be fully accepted and embraced by her peers. I’m pretty sure that’s not true, but it’s certainly not going to hurt you get some gigs when you’re two years out from fifty and Meryl Streep owns all the middle aged woman roles.
It makes me so proud of our community that they would be open to ‘whatevers.’ I think we are all whatevers — we are all a bunch of gypsies in this community. And when people say “Hollywood, oh we are so pretentious,” I say 99% of Hollywood, they are the greatest most open people you will ever meet. I am proud of our Hollywood community.
Bello calls everybody who refuses to define their sexuality by a label as a ‘whatever’. I’m not sure how the fight breaks down when the whatevers come up against the gays, but if you’ve ever seen a lesbian content with her label get to brawling, you’d know where to put your money. Bello’s statements are in sharp contrast to Joss Whedon last week declaring himself unqualified to support feminist causes because he’s rich and white and straight and male. Whedon ought to consider joining Bello’s non-judgmental Hollywood, though I bet when you dig a bit deeper into the whatevers application you’ll note they’re not taking rich white straight men.
You know this chick if you watch way too much crappy subnetwork television. Also, if you follow crazy-eyed minstrel Robbie Williams on Twitter because this L.A. born actress is his wife. Their recently shitcanned personal assistant, Gilles De Bonfilhs, is suing the couple because he claims the Mrs. used to walk around naked in front of him detailing how Robbie made her cum the night before then asking Gilles if he too liked the pleasures of the sensual arts. At that point she’d take a bite of an apple, rub the bite mark against her nipples, then toss it at Gilles as he wept in French.
Firstly, you don’t get to sue because your good looking 35-year old female boss is flashing you her tits and reciting haiku about her love of cock. If you love chicks, this is not a bad thing. If you love cock, you just got a new haiku. If she says you need to clean British pop star jizz out of her snatch or your fired, that’s probably crossing the line. I’d change your name to something inherently less submissive, buy some flannels, and sign up for an extended tour on a fishing trawler. Constantly wishing your balls into another dimension is no way to go through life.