Doubling back on my theory that Coachella is nothing but self-entitled wannabe hipster celebrities pretending like they have their fingers on the pulse of today’s music industry, and the regular people who want to hang from their balls, here’s a video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing like a dickhead during MGMT’s set this past weekend. You can make fun of Leo all you want, and you should because he looks like a total douchebag, but there’s always a rule when it comes to him. Say what you want, but you still have to acknowledge the fact that he not only had sex with at least 10 guys’ girlfriends at Coachella, but probably also your girlfriend while you read this. And if this guy’s dick doesn’t fall off by the time he turns 40, I’ll simply be shocked.
You could pick me up by my ankles and dangle me over the balcony of a very tall building while demanding that I tell you the names of three of the women who appeared on MTV’s Teen Mom, and there’s a really strong chance that I’d be flattened on the sidewalk in a matter of 20 seconds. Beyond Farrah Abraham, I couldn’t name any others, and I already feel like a filthy bag of shit for knowing that, but hey, she’s the one who decided to make porn and I was required by law to watch it. Jenelle Evans is one of the other Teen Mom girls, but I only remember that now because she’s the one who has all of the different mugshots. She’s also now apparently the one who likes to give fetishists hard ons, too, because she’s posting photos of her pregnant self on Twitter, and it’s certainly not to prove to the world how much she glows. Meanwhile, almost a million people follow this girl. Great fucking work, MTV.
One of the fun things about being a person who doesn’t spend every waking moment on Twitter is that if someone important tweets something incredibly fucking stupid, which is usually at least once a day, and they delete it almost immediately, there’s still a chance that someone caught it and copied it. Yesterday, someone at US Airways proved this in a whole new way, when the airline tweeted an incredibly raunchy photo of a woman with a model airplane sticking out of her pussy not once, but twice in response to customers complaining about shitty flights and service. A lot of people were really offended and upset by the tweet in question, and US Airways issued an almost immediate apology, but I not only found a new preferred airline yesterday… I found a new love.
Photo Credit: US Airways
I’m no sexist. I’d vote for the woman who tagged Hillary with a shoe. I love my mother. And I think good looking women deserve higher pay than men for doing the exact same job, especially doing those jobs in tight tank tops. There’s just something about girls in swimsuits and heels that takes me back to beauty pageants toe-to-heel stepping girls whose entire self-worth is built on the Vaseline they’ve rubbed on their teeth to keep their licks from sticking. That’s honest living. With fuckable heels.
Photo Credit: Lenceria le Bon
Richie the Barber used to be a circus clown. Now he spends most of his time grooming hair in Hollywood. In this way, he’s very much like the Kardashian daughters themselves. Maybe this painful irony drove Richie to confetti bomb the Big One and the Little One as they exited a furniture store filming their cable show, The Kardashians Go Furniture Shopping and Retards Watch. The creepy looking haircutter was quickly jumped on by Kardashian security forces who take pride in stating that the only thing closer to the Kardashians is herpes. This would be the first time the girls ever got sprayed in the face without Kris ringing the sales bell. When all was said and done, everybody agreed that it could’ve been much worse. Or, had the barber used bullets, much better.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
Ever since Tupac’ s hologram got turned off and everybody realized they had to go back to watching the still living shitty acts Coachella stages around their $8 bottled water concession booths, the Indie music and don’t forget arts festival has been running low on wow factor. You can only get away with so many Beyonce surprise guest appearance when she’s there every year. Surprise. Your grandma made an appearance at grandma’s house. A naked hologram of Beyonce would’ve been amazing, but nobody has the guts to piss off the corporate sponsors who become visibly moist at the thought of 100,000 college educated white ‘social influencers’ trapped in the desert. Whoever dresses the Kendall Jenner mannequin decided she could be a thing if only she had a distinctive look. So they borrowed Bruce Jenner’s cock ring which he mysteriously announced he no longer needed and hung it from Kendall’s right nostril like a Guernsey. The nose ring connected to her earring to form the international symbol of illiteracy. Kendall adored the attention though she did note the unusually low hanging hoop made completing the ‘must blow’ list her mom tucked into her front pocket that much more challenging.
Photo Credit: Getty
Audrina Patridge is dumb as dirt. I think I can say that without being sued. I don’t really know her intellectual quotient, but I’d estimate it as being in the range of foam peanut packing. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Or to have her chest leered at when they air dropped her into Coachella and programmed her to smile and twirl her hair for three hours before returning to her LZ for pickup. She still got that Indio and Indian thing mixed up, but Audrina is always making lovable boners like that.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
Cara Delevingne has become enslaved to the dark draw of the Michelle Rodriguez power tongue. By the time you’ve invited Michelle into your sacred keep, your clitoral fate has already been sealed. Cara can only go out in the moonlight and must hide her face from the camera flashes as the luminescence makes her labia singe. Coachella seemed like a horrible choice of venues for a young woman now living in the shadows of her own Sapphic desires. In the overnight hours Michelle would approach the gates of the Empire Polo Grounds and transform into a Lycan pussy hound, puncturing the carotids of any female who had so much as looked with desire upon her young concubine. Even for a Lilith Fair, that’s a lot of unexplained lesbian deaths.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News