By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 7:48 AM
Sometimes when your dad contracts HIV through a fondness of boy girl boy orgies whilst married to your mother you don’t want to be familiar with the details of his life anymore. This plight is especially compounded when dad succeeds in becoming a beloved figurehead whose charitable tax write offs are seen as benevolent gestures. This anger manifests itself in absurdly passive aggressive ways, like your son becoming a 1970′s movie cliche queen stereotype and your adopted daughter implying she doesn’t give a shit about you so long as her trust fund remains in good standing. When asked about the Dodgers first round playoff collapse, Elisa Johnson blithely stated:
“My dad is probably doing really well … I don’t really watch baseball.”
Absorb that jab from your refurbished recliner, Magic. I’m surprised she wasn’t wearing a Matt Carpenter jersey with the slogan, My Real Dad Doesn’t Have The AIDS, written across it trouncing around Dodger Stadium. I’m not sure Magic has had one conversation with any given family member since signing the gag order. It’s a modern day Mexican Standoff where everyone wins or loses depending on how you look at it. Except for the Dodgers. They definitely lost.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 7:07 AM
Heisman Trophy hopeful Todd Gurley has been suspended indefinitely by the University of Georgia for autographing a bunch of shit related to football. The NCAA has strict laws penalizing monetary profit unless they themselves are getting the money in freshly pressed sequential hundos. Everyone else has attained criminal status for grabbing a pretzel from the snack counter at a booster meeting thrown by local auto dealers and Coca-Cola bottling magnates. Gurley should blow the joint immediately and spend his NFL signing bonus on a series of front page ads explaining exactly why the NCAA should go fuck themselves. Revenge is sweet, especially when you are punking a bunch of cocksuckers wearing a jersey with your name on it.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 6:31 AM
Scott Disick was seen getting black out drunk in Vegas. It’s unclear if Disick is making a spectacle of himself just for the cameras, or if the cameras 24×7 are causing him to drink. He’s found himself in a precarious situation where gargantuan amounts of self loathing would be justified, yet his status is envied by shit for brains teenagers inhabiting McMansions across the fields of grain. To make matters worse he is forced to fight an understandable urge to curb kick all of his in-laws, acquaintances and fans. What follows is a seriously unhealthy booze regimen which serves to delay his self actualization. Unfortunately no amount of Bacardi 151 or pile of Quaaludes can obfuscate the gnawing realization that you are a the dude who cleans up the whore rooms at the cathouse. Even in your Bentley with the gold cuffs, you’re still the dude gathering up the spent condoms in the early morning hours. Bottoms up.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 3:35 PM
Most things go to shit for lack of leadership. I’m not sure why people who lack intestinal fortitude seek positions of power in the first place. Probably some psychological explanation beyond my introduction to Freud. I don’t care if it’s Ebola, NFL domestic abuse, Jihadi nutjobs, or telling fat kids to get outside and run some fucking laps, a bunch of people in positions of power lack grip in their nut sack. You being loved is not going to save the world, soft-serve Superman.
That’s why I admire this chick. Inna Shevchenko. She’s the leader of those Euro-harpies who write unintelligible feminist shit on their chest and shriek topless through public events. I’m sure we wouldn’t agree on a single subject short of how sweet pussy tastes while nursing a taser wound. But I admire her spunk. She’s fucking Braveheart. She’s no shrinking violet incapacitated by fear of offending key stakeholders. She just bitch fucked the stakeholders and shot cum back in their eye. She sets her tits into the wind and sets sail for the land of no compromise. She knows exactly who she is. Christmas is canceled, motherfuckers.
It would be wonderful if we are able to give this crazy bitch all the power she needs to accomplish the things she needs to.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 1:56 PM
At what point in the high school football secret initiation ceremony do you say, you know, fellas, call me a homo faggot pussy piece of shit not down with the program, but I am not finger fucking that freshman you’re holding down on the locker room floor. That’s just super gay. And pretty wrong. Whatever happened to itching powder in the jock straps or singing songs to the captain’s best girl?
Seven charming members of the Sayreville Memorial High School football team in Jersey are now facing charges of being weird twisted fucks. I’m not against group projects for the kids in school, but four senior football players holding down a kid, while two others guard the doors, and one tool howls like a beast and finger fucks the ass of the freshman linebacker That wasn’t in the Scholastics high school football novels I read back in the day. One of the charged sodomizing football players lost his college scholarship to Penn State. If you don’t find the irony in that, keep looking.
There are environs like the front lines of gruesome wars or Black Friday shopping at Best Buy where you need to be mindless animals pillaging and dehumanizing everything in your path. This is high school football. Rudy never would’ve gone for this shit.
By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
I didn’t think Penelope Cruz could get any more exciting than when she’s on her Pro Palestinian rants in European journals. I know it’s what George and Amal were perusing as they fucked each other silly blasting the yoke of Western capitalism on their honeymoon. But then Penelope showed off her tits for Esquire and I realized she had even more to give. She’s pretty fucking hot. I’d probably blow myself up at a West Bank Sbarro if she promised to give head to my dick when they found it. I’m not sure I’d attend one of her euro-Socialist cocktail parties, I’d have to have some limits. I fucking hate wine cocktails more than self-immolation.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Jack October 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Mini-Kims Kylie and Kendall Jenner have been named among America’s most influential teens by Time Magazine. I was going to say this is the day our civilization officially went down the shithole, but it’s really probably just Time Magazine that did.
Read all about the Jenner’s whorish mammoth influence. (Huffington Post)
Sweet mother of fuck McKayla Maroney is flexible. (Drunken Stepfather)
Bethenny Frankel looks like they stuck two water balloons to a skeleton. (Hollywood Tuna)
Hey, wanna see Megan Fox’s black lace panties? (Popoholic)
The Internet wants to euthanize Taylor Swift’s pussy. (The Superficial)
Kate Upton forgot to wear a bra to this photo shoot. (COED)
Sammy Sosa looks like a busted gay ghost version of himself. (Busted Coverage)
By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 11:51 AM
Every year when the Nobel Prizes get announced, it’s another reminder that I’ll probably never win one. That and never catching a foul ball at baseball games vex me to no end. It’s all political. Especially the Peace Prize. They give it out to ass-kissing political leaders or terrorists who went to American colleges and got their teeth capped. This year the Norwegians tapped this chick Malala Yousafzai who got shot in the head by Taliban in Pakistan because she had a blog saying girls should be able to go to school. You might as well tell Rosie O’Donnell to give up the Brach’s hard candy. That shit is heretical in the minds of the Ben Affleck’s misunderstood Muslim peaceniks.
Malala Yousafzai survived the bullet earning the best prize of all, getting the fuck out of Pakistan. England took her in and scheduled her to give the same speech 450 times in a row. She was showered in awards including Pakistan’s first ever Awesomest Youth Peace Prize and teenager of the month recognition from various local Elks lodges. Now she’s got the Nobel Peace Prize and Canada just gave her honorary citizenship. Fuck if those aren’t the two best things in the entire world. Walk your trophy around Manitoba like a champ. Yeah, that’s my bullet hole, bitches. Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer.
It’s important to point out that never every Muslim in that region believes girls should be barred from attending school. Having the grade school aged girls in a central location makes it easier to grab them up when it’s time to be deflowered to a 40-something bullet maker. Not everybody’s as charming as Stephen Collins, pedos in Pakistan need some religious help.