Bill Cosby Keeps Getting Creepier

By Matt July 20, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

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Details of a lawsuit Bill Cosby settled with a woman who accused him of rape, as is customary when becoming intimate with Bill Cosby as well as tipping the housekeeping staff, paint him as a manipulative pervert. His deposition shows Cosby told the woman to tell her mother she had an orgasm during the encounter, in order to make it seem more consensual. This ranks as one of the top three creepiest things a person has ever done, right in front of ordering milk with dinner and being familiar with Benny Margolis’ catalog. It’s unclear why the woman would be discussing intimate details of her sex life with her mother or how the guy from the pudding commercials could possibly make anyone cum. Never bring up orgasms with chicks. You’ll just find out they’re not having them. Then you shrug and get another beer. I’ve got a generator in the garage, knock yourself out. The more you know about Cosby the less you want to know. He’s like a public bathroom or farmed fish at this point. We know it’s fucking gross, stop discussing it. Maybe the natives can try him on his private island. Fuck the statute of limitations we just decided to kill you with arrows. You’ll live on in syndication and often be referred to in college orientations about the dangers of trusting pompous rich guys who carry a doctors bag to your hotel room. Seacrest out.

Photo Credit: BillCosby.com

Michael Sam Cruising

By Matt July 20, 2015 @ 6:23 AM

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Michael Sam hit up some trashy night club in Hollywood which serves overpriced drinks, which is curious since he’s never had a job except third string tackling dummy and that time he ballroom danced which I guess pays decent. Sam recently signed a two year deal with the Montreal Allouettes of the Canadian Football League, but he has yet to play in one of their four games this season, possibly because he’s sitting next to his land line waiting for Oprah to call and offer him a gig where he flips houses on camera. Anything but playing football. I heard it’s huge in Canada right behind bowling and cheese grating. Should he enter a game, Sam would become the first openly gay male to play Canadian football and also the first guy without Down’s Syndrome. There’s always the cruise ship circuit. Not saying you’ll get paid, but you could go on a cruise and meet some dude who will pay your rent for a few months while you study the playbook. Nice abs. This team’s on a budget, we’re sharing rooms.

Photo Credit: Youtube/TMZ

Cara Delevingne Takes Her Fake Lesbianism Seriously

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

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Vogue magazine is under fire. Not for making women feel fat and undesirable and blaming it on far-fetched male standards of female beauty even though no men work for Vogue. But because they wrote an article about Cara Delevingne where they suggested her scissor kissing escapades might just be a phase or a way to get back at her mother who was a heroin addict throughout Cara’s childhood. Both of which seem entirely plausible. 13,000 people signed their names on a petition site where lazy activism has now settled insisting this reporter’s “lesbian phase” suggestion was homophobic, even though it’s almost certainly true.

Lesbianism is where upscale young women have turned for social acceptance since adding cocaine to their organic cold pressed juice diets became more than their allowance. At some point we need to start pointing fingers at 20-something guys. Don’t take this the wrong way, millennial men, but all your chicks are banging other chicks. Have you noticed you’re all home in your porkpie hats spinning vinyl and memorizing Rachel Maddow rants and you can still hear girls moaning through the apartment walls. God didn’t give you a dick just to feel guilty while reading rape culture essays. Get in there and claim your birthright. Maybe ask nicely if her friend wants to stay.

Marissa Everhart Obeys Her Thirst And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Yo, there’s a drought going on here in California. The law says you need to start pouring milk on your tits.

Check out her ta-tas. (The Superficial)

Rosie Jones would like to celebrate her birthday by showing you her tits. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Mexican singer Patricia Navidad’s maxipad flew out on Spanish TV. ¡Ah ya yi! (TMZ)

Ashley Smith, topless, on a pool table. (Drunken Stepfather)

In my opinion, Christina Hendricks has the best tits on Earth. (Hollywood Tuna)

Game of Thrones’ Nathalie Emmanuel in a bikini is a real thing (Popoholic)

It’s bikini season and I for one am ecstatic. (The Chive)

(Image Via The Superficial)

Michelle Hunziker And Daughter in Bikinis

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 11:45 AM

Michelle Hunziker And Daughter Aurora Ramazzotti Bikinis In Italy
This Italian TV hostess keeps marrying new rich dudes and making rounds of anchor babies. It’s like the hot blond version of Mexican illegals. I wonder what it’s like to be the eighteen year old daughter when your mom is on reproductive assignment yet again. You have to put aside your feline desire to smother the new offspring and wait your turn to sleep with stepdad. Trust me, he’s been planning this since he told your mom he’d care for all her kids equally. Lose the bikini top. Spite won’t heal itself.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsey Vonn Moving On

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 10:23 AM

Lindsey Vonn Super Tight Pantsuit At Kids Choice Sports Awards
There’s that moment when you wake up and realize you just let Tiger Woods stick his dick inside of you for three years. It’s like an ice-cream brain freeze in your soul. Maybe you run into Charlize Theron at Whole Foods and she commiserates about Sean Penn dick. That only makes it worse. You don’t need a shoulder to cry on, you need a blow to the temple that will make you forget everything that’s happened since turning twenty-seven. Bury those memories deep. That and your nice ass should see you through to a French husband with decent real estate holdings. If your future kids ever bring up Tiger, mention how nobody is perfect. Also that maybe one day one of them will grow up to be a great scientist to cure mommy of the demon bumps around her genitalia.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Amy Schumer Helps Move Us Forward

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 9:46 AM

Amy Schumer As Princess Leia
Amy Schumer’s new film by Leslie Mann’s weak-bearded gimp features a 30-something woman reveling in life as a single professional with a different loose man in her bed every night. That is until she meets a genuine guy who threatens to make her want something more out of her relationships. It’s your traditional male-centered romantic comedy, only flipped entirely on its head, because it’s a woman now who needs to learn to grow up. How fucking genius is that? First, female Ghostbusters, now this. What’s next? Chick cops burned out on the job with families begging them to get help for their demons? Chick superheroes who save Manhattan, specifically Park Avenue between 37th and Grand Central? It takes a filmmaker as strictly guided by his wife as Judd Apatow to shatter gender stereotypes with this role reversal inventiveness. I can’t wait for Ellen’s take. I think we’ve arrived.

Photo Credit: GQ

Kim Kardashian Morning Rituals

By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

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Kim Kardashian crawling out of a ditch is a reminder of just how poor serial killers have become at finishing off their truck stop prey. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore. It’s possible the scent of money brought her back from the great whore beyond. It’s like watching our primordial ancestors first take to land. In six months this will be Bruce exiting the same ditch in similar wardrobe. That dent in my head is where I got hit with my own courage award. No, I’m not pressing charges. I’ve never cum so hard in my life.

Photo Credit: System Magazine