By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 7:28 PM
E! Online, the purveyor of single-ply entertainment news, has reported that Katy Perry and John Mayer are no longer a couple. Just yesterday they announced that Katy Perry looked like she was wearing an engagement ring from the love of her life, so I’m still having to deal with the heartbreak of their particular brand of journalism. A consensus of gossip sites with no real sources peg the breakup as being Katy’s decision, with John Mayer heartbroken for at least the next few minutes he spends not boning other hot Hollywood actresses. Katy Perry really was a blip on his resume of becoming the most prolific Jewish cocksman since God stopped directly ordering Jews to be fruitful. Plus, if he had to kiss Katy Perry now that she she’d swapped spit with Miley Cyrus, it would be like he was kissing Kellan Lutz’s cock. You don’t want to put a ring on that.
Photo credit: Getty
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 6:45 PM
This 138 Water Girl is back. I thought she’d been absorbed for parts, but I guess her nipples are still intact because I can clearly see them right there on the beach where children walk and Daniel Baldwin boosts SUVs. I keep keying the Scratcher tickets to make enough money to bribe a Congressman to take this 138 Water conspiracy more seriously, but so far I’ve only garnered four $2 winners and a bellyache from eating a quick service food product from 7-Eleven.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
There’s nothing worse than a literate porn star. These girls who are smart enough to get into elite private colleges but still taking dongs up their ass for cash just like to talk way too much. Daddy didn’t hurt them and they don’t have meth addictions, they’re just super fucking weird and troubled girls hiding behind their Wonder Woman shields of feminism. This freshman chick whose name everybody on the Duke campus knows by now, but who we’ll call by her porn name, Belle Knox, says she finds being the cum dumpster in even rough sex porn to be empowering to her as a woman:
I can say definitively that I have never felt more empowered or happy doing anything else. In a world where women are so often robbed of their choice, I am completely in control of my sexuality. As a bisexual woman with many sexual quirks, I feel completely accepted. It is freeing, it is empowering, it is wonderful, it is how the world should be.
Yeah, most wonderfully liberated and empowered people hide behind an alias and freak the fuck out when they’re discovered.
For me, shooting pornography brings me unimaginable joy. When I finish a scene, I know that I have done so and completed an honest day’s work. It is my artistic outlet: my love, my happiness, my home.
I will give you that. It is honest work. It’s not like my college lifeguarding job where I mostly napped and smoked weed and prayed nobody would ever yell ‘lifeguard! because I wasn’t all that strong of a swimmer. Naturally, Belle wants to be a human rights lawyer and fight on behalf of sex workers everywhere. And therein lies the difference between a state school girl and a private college girl. The former would just say she needed the money and tell everybody to shut the fuck up. The latter has to frame herself as the Norma Rae of ass-to-mouth.
By Jack February 26, 2014 @ 4:08 PM
98-pound Puerto Rican singer Marc Anthony may have to pay a shit ton more child support to Dayanara Torres, his lady just before Jennifer Lopez. Anthony had to disclose his net worth in a court case in which Torres claims she isn’t getting enough money to feed her baby esqueletos. Anthony submitted documents that show that he is inexplicably worth over $20 million and earns about $1.25 million a month. This makes Dayanara’s claim that she deserves more than a measly $13k a month sound valid. She’s now demanding $113k a month, I guess so she can buy her kids trendy clothes made out of unicorn scrotums. For 13k a month I would let Marc Anthony spray an entire litter in my birth canal.
This just goes to show that whether you are rich or poor it is always best to keep the amount of kids you spread around to a minimum. He pays J-Lo for the womb ferrets he put in her as well. How much do you think Kanye is going to have to pay Kim K in child support when he tires of her feral anal gland scents? Part of the make-up of these kinds of guys is their belief that God has instructed them to bring forth their glorious reproductions. It’s an expensive hobby, though still cheaper than a boat.
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 3:19 PM
I don’t care if you’re Gary Glitter or Michelle Rodriguez, when you’ve had your fill of young British girls, it’s time to head to Thailand to get your head on straight. Gary only took his clothes off when well ensconced inside the pedo-brothels, while Michelle called upon Shavazi, the ancient God of vagina biting, by stripping naked and facing the Gulf of Thailand with an open heart. I’ll say this for Michelle’s spirituality, it has a nice pear-shaped ass.
Photo Credit: Michelle Rodriguez/Instagram
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
People who say that a music artist shouldn’t need to get naked to sell music obviously don’t like really crappy music sung by girls who everybody just wants to see naked. Ipso facto or some shit like that. The less clothes Beyonce wears in her music videos, the better her songs. That’s just science. This new song Partition looks, I mean, sounds particularly strong. When that dude grabs her tits and then she waves her bare ass in his face, I feel like I’m in heaven with the angels singing. In fact, just turn the sound off and watch the video and you’ll have a moving music listening experience. Fuck the haters. I stand firmly behind Beyonce’s gifts. I only wish she’d make more documentaries about herself taking showers.
By Jack February 26, 2014 @ 2:05 PM
Sam Worthington has been slapped with a restraining order by the paparazzo he attacked. We told you about an incident in which Sam went all Clash of the Titans on a celebrity photographer named Sheng Li. The dude apparently kicked Sam’s girlfriend Lara Bingle in the shins and then Sam popped him in the maw. Worthington and Li were arrested. Sam faces several charges of third degree assault and could go to jail for up to a year…which he actually won’t because he’s a celebrity, but let’s still pretend for the time being. Li put a restraining order on Worthington because he thinks Sam’s going to come and exact his vengeance like he did in that one movie where the blue hippie naked cat people had their tree destroyed or whatever. It’s all a bit surprising for me as I was convinced that Sam Worthington wasn’t a real person. I have always thought that maybe he’s a CGI character like Jar Jar Binks and he lives on James Cameron’s keychain flash drive. I guess he’s real or else how could he have fought Li…unless he’s a new kind of hologram…
By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 1:57 PM
You’ve got to admire Lena Dunham. When most actresses receive two years advanced notice on a showy promotional shoot, they might do a sit-up or lay off the pork rinds every other Tuesday. Not Lena Dunham and not when there’s so many modern options in plus-sized ladies underwear. I couldn’t be happier for the thirteen inmates in this country who have masturbation fixations on tranny Rush Limbaugh in leopard skin bloomers. For the rest of us, shutter your eyes lest you be stuck with the inability to maintain an erection for the next 73 days. I believe that is Lena’s sinister goal as she maniacally sucks on her stockpile of frozen Charleston Chews in her lair high above the upper west side of Manhattan.
I had the chance to read the multimedia Not That Kind of Girl book proposal Lena sent around to various publishing houses in New York a couple years back. It got leaked on the Internet and she sued the crap out of everybody for daring to look at her self-aggrandizing literary pap smear. It had lots of cute life lessons learned being an awesomely talented playwright about topics such as abortion, wacky cab rides on the way to get abortions, and, naturally, the post-abortion gelato. Some fawning maven of New York literati handed Lena several millions of dollars and her left fallopian tube as advance for her book proposal. If the final version is anything like her endangered circus animal underwear promo pics, it’s going to be a difficult read.
Photo Credit: Lena Dunham/Instagram