Since her divorce, Hilary Duff has joined Tinder, lost twenty pounds and her bra. You can’t go outside these days without seeing her tits. All the women’s magazines are breathlessly covering her changing hair color just to avoid the topic of her tits for half a second. Everyone’s collectively embarrassed by how hard she’s cruising for a new daddy for her baby. I can smell your perfume through the picture. What’s in the bag? Just kidding. I already know it’s even more tits. Somebody marry Lizzie McGuire again so she can eat. Of course the blow jobs are only for the engagement. Stop asking stupid questions.
Every six years, Kate Hudson engages a new rock frontman to make a baby with. As an indulged child Kate Hudson threw her gum at a gypsy woman and this is her fate. Someday she will lead her ill gotten offspring up to a volcano in Romania and end the curse. Which sucks for her team of nannies who will suddenly find themselves with a gift bag of Fabletics sports bras and a pink slip. We’re going to need more bubbles. I can see where baby number is going to crown.
The Bills announced the first NFL team hiring of a female salaried coach. Kathryn Smith was named the team’s special team’s quality control coach. The position had been vacant the entire four hours since team officials invented it earlier that same day. Smith was previously a personal assistant to head coach Rex Ryan, an administrative assistant, and intern. I think this is a promotion. It’s hard to tell with obscure jobs given to women who spend a lot of alone time late night with the boss.
Kathryn Smith has done an outstanding job in the seven years that she has worked with our staff. She certainly deserves this promotion based on her knowledge and strong commitment, just to name a couple of her outstanding qualities, and I just know she’s going to do a great job serving in the role of Quality Control-Special Teams. — Rex Ryan
Knowledge and strong commitment seem rather vague for a coaching hire. Can you provide more details on how her bare feet look on videotape? Just file the EEOC complaint now and go work somewhere that will take you seriously. Football isn’t the place for you. Even football players hate it now for making them forget about Wednesday and Thursday by the time they’re forty. The Bills haven’t been to the playoffs in sixteen years, the current longest drought in the NFL. It’s hard not to see this as pandering. I hope Smith sues and takes over the team and moves them somewhere warmer like a smart owner would’ve done years ago. There’s no dignity in being as crappy as a Florida NFL team when you’re not in Florida.
God gave you everything he’s going to give you. Check your bank balance. That’s what the tools you’ve got have brought you. If you were meant to have half a million more dollars, you’d have been born with the skills to dominate at Pai Gow or invented a candy or doughnut themed app that fat women play all day. Having half a million in cash dropped in your lap for no good reason offends the higher power. The State of Georgia gave 20-year old Craigory Burch, Jr. that money simply because he was lucky. Now he’s unlucky. Do you see how that works? Random chance is a seesaw. Three dudes with guns just sat on the other end. That seems to happen a lot with lottery winners. It’s not the same with learned skills. They stick around for good. Stay in school, kids. I hear they’re super plush now with all that Lottery money. Thanks for the check ceremony promo pic. Can you send it out to the media along with my home address and hours I’m alone?
It’s difficult to say who is more of a useless sack of shit, Farrah Abraham or the entire Kardashian/Jenner clan. As Kendall Jenner and Farrah Abraham trade barbs I can’t pick who to root for. It’s reminds me of this time I saw two crack whores having a bottle fight in an alley in NYC.
Though, to be fair, the Ray J joke is pretty solid. (TMZ)
Jessica Simpson caravanned her entire freeloading family down to that resort in Cabo that puts up celebrities for free provided they pay no attention to the teeny tiny Mexican photographers lining the palm trees. Somebody’s got to sell crappy shmata at Walmart to pay for her own birthday trips. I’d probably drink heavily too.
Simpson still looks tit smashing in a bikini. Her husband who played for eleven seconds in the NFL before retiring to her bank account almost ruined the birthday trip when he posed in the gay male porn submissive position with his head between Jessica’s moms spread legs. It’s the kind of thing that’s super funny when you’re high on peyote and cactus with your mom who was married to a gay dude for decades. Beards gone wild. If you move down the side roads in Cabo you can see the X-rated version of this same act. Ask for a cup of Purell with your nachos. Trump just built a wall behind us. We’re never getting home.
Jennifer Lopez has major bank from her entertainment career. She also owns a sugar plantation with seventy-three black Caribbean slaves you don’t hear her talk about unless she’s wasted. She’s got a gay boyfriend who agrees to use the deep voice when frothing her through the sheets. Even with a brand new TV cop show, she’s launched an in-residency show at Planet Hollywood in Vegas.
Lopez is forty-six and never could sing, but she’s a good dancer and has an ass that makes Puerto Rican prostitutes half her age mutter to themselves. Throw in elaborate costumes and guest appearance by Ja Rule and collect your $30 million. That’s a lot of money for you and me. It won’t change Jennifer’s life one bit. Why not pull back and get to know your kids. Take them to special doctors to get that Marc Anthony blood out of them before they grow emaciated illegal immigrant staches. Somebody has to pay for nobody taking Lopez’ dreams seriously as s kid. That somebody are new money Chinese at $500 a ticket.
Leonardo DiCaprio made a rousing environmental speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland mashed up from Malthusian forecasts featured in an Inconvenient Truth. He delivered them as only a white Oscar nominated actor can. Grown men wept in their furs and upon their prostitutes. Twice or thrice a year really rich and connected people meet at resorts in Europe to discuss how fossil fuels and corporate greed are causing the destruction of the planet. Also, a final final solution for the Jews, but those meetings are invite only and shrouded in secrecy. The ski resort forums are a good chance to switch out your contacts for glasses and look serious. Leo gave mankind ten more years if we don’t all start putting around in cars moved primarily by canvas sails. Gale force winds might get your SUV to the end of the block. Your kids will be fine staying late at the school run on solar… fuck, they’re dead.
DiCaprio announced donations to animal and nature conservancies around the world to the tune of fifteen million dollars of other people’s money he’s collected at his supermodel filled Riviera fundraisers. He declared that Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates are already working on a zero emissions future. Though for now if you could click on those ads for shitty Windows 10 on Facebook that will help expedite the saving of the planet.
DiCaprio spends more time fucking hot chicks and flying around on his private jet and hosting Justin Bieber mansion BBQs than he does studying the actual science of the environment. But he seems semi-earnest at least in his anecdotal understanding. Celebrities past and present have felt the need to inject themselves into public political debates using information gleaned almost exclusively from their pretend roles in movies. Also, they get briefings. It’s unclear what these briefings are, but they mention them often. I think they’re on Snapchat. If DiCaprio can touch just one soul out there to convert from a life of excess and consumption to thoughtful communal living it will all be worthwhile. If that one soul ever turns out to be himself, it will be even more powerful. The heavens will open up and the angels will sing. DiCaprio will fuck the hot ones mid-song. Devilish bastard.