FEMEN Have Lost Their Way

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 1:35 PM

FEMEN Topless Protest In France
FEMEN might be victims of their own success. Like any franchise operation, it’s a struggle keep the satellite entities in tune with the strident feminist agenda during periods of rapid expansion. Franchisees can easily go rogue. This group of titty painted protestors in France found themselves denouncing a law that fines johns for soliciting prostitution. I’m not sure that got routed through central for approval.

In France it’s always been okay for men to seek out prostitutes provided the sex was stale and neither side experienced joy. Also, chain smoking and home remedy abortions. Now, they want to bill busted husbands $500 for the pleasure of licking dirty nylons. The local FEMEN chapter penned some shit on their tits, packed some dry sandwiches, and off they went. This is what ultimately killed Radio Shack. Get your shit together, ladies. This globe doesn’t spin right without angry topless women screaming their heads off.

Photo Credit: Getty

Demi Moore and Her Girls in Bikinis And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Demi Moore has the right idea about posing next to girls who aren’t as hot as she is. So, it’s her daughters. That’s clearly not her fault. Bruce!

Demi Moore and her chinny daughters in bikinis, it’s a thing (Egotastic)

Mariah Carrey’s milk jugs swinging on a boat. (TMZ)

James Horner’s heart WILL NOT go on. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio’s ass in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Samantha Hoopes in a bikini fills my cougar loving heart. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant contestants are some spicy hot wings. (COED)

Mexican weather girl Yanet Garcia is muy caliente. (The Chive)

Diddy Arrested For Assault

By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

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Sean Combs was arrested at UCLA where his son plays football and doesn’t go to class for assaulting a member of the team’s coaching staff with a kettle bell in the weight room. Diddy apparently felt the coach wasn’t showing his son proper respect at Spring practice where Diddy routinely hovers because nothing helps a team out more than having parents helicoptering around practices. This poses a number of questions such as what was he doing in the weight room and how is he able to lift a kettle bell and was this a misprint and he was actually wielding a tea kettle of piping hot toddies. Combs spent several hours in jail before posting bail and no doubt posing for several photos with the arresting officers.

Hitting members of the coaching staff with kettle bells isn’t the best way to ingratiate your kid to the coaching staff. They might even remember it when sending him on a route up the middle. How is this 5’7, 160 lb kid a football player at a Division 1 college? Combs probably bought the gym let him do what he likes. This is the latest in a string of violent behavior on the part of Combs. When I was a kid we fought like men. Now it’s kettle bell assault after kettle bell assault. Wear a vest. These schools aren’t safe anymore. Go Bruins.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Agenderism Working Out Well for Miley Cyrus

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 9:42 AM

Stella Maxwell Lingerie Hotness
None of this Miley Cyrus agender nonsense made much sense before discovering she’s dabble fucking this Victoria’s Secret model. Suddenly, clarity. Men have been spouting nonsense to get chicks since the dawn of time. I thought she was trying to form a serious thought. She just wants to rub cunnies with Stella Maxwell. That’s really all you had to say. I’m headed to the trophy store now. I’ll cross out soccer and write in pussy hound. Zero to hero. Welcome to the club, Miley. No, Secretary-Treasurer is not a position reserved for girls.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Kylie Jenner Tits Selling Candy

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 9:19 AM

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Here’s the thing most people don’t seem to understand about the age of consent. That’s consent for sexual activity. As a random example, Tyga. It’s a crime for him to pound Kylie Jenner Jenner in her fart hole nightly. Even if she’s a precocious millionaire high school dropout and ass fucking is a super responsible form of birth control. By contrast, it’s perfectly okay to stare at Kylie Jenner’s tits and imagine sticking your dick between them, In fact, if you don’t, Kris Jenner will pick that up in her Cerebro helmet and Kylie will receive three switch lashes to her abdomen when she returns home. Nobody gets out unblemished. You can’t make babies with your thoughts. Not yet.

Photo Credit: Getty

Mariah Carey Nipple Slips Out of Containment

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 8:43 AM

Mariah Carey Bikini Malfunction In Italy
The technology that went into Mariah Carey’s all-terrain fat containment suit wasn’t even available just five years ago. It’s how we’re going to keep diabetic soda kids from going comatose on future trips to Mars. Still  you direct too many psi into the muffin area and a tit is going to squirt out of containment. A convenient coincidence when you’re forty-five and trying to look cool in front of your new rich Australian boyfriend. Reports says Mariah fell madly in love with James Packer the minute her business manager vetted his last four years of tax reports. How much is this dude worth? Mariah’s body will let you know. A nipple is a good sign.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gender Neutrality Gaining Numbers

By Lex June 23, 2015 @ 8:24 AM

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The gender neutrality crowd believes that eliminating boy-girl differences from the human equation will somehow create more evolved beings. Though there is no scientific proof to this effect. It just feels right. When you really fucking hate men and their balls, sometimes that’s enough.

Women have unique powers. Men the same. To create the genetic superior, you merge the two forces. You don’t strip each of their unique strengths and select the null set between them. Have you never read a fucking comic book? According to Yahoo, which takes telecommuting moms and dubs them subject matter experts, the new trend in baby names are those without single gender connotation. Your baby is in fact a single gender, but don’t let that tidbit derail your mission to change the world with entirely superficial gestures.

Millennials are an open-minded and accepting group, and they don’t want their children to feel pressured to conform to stereotypes that might be restrictive.

You’d hate for your child to conform to such things as a job or self-sufficiency or an inkling of the engineering the Chinese kids with gender positive names will use to destroy us. Your progressive thinking will serve Quinn, Reese, River, Avery and Parker well when they all prove to have the minds of Einstein, the heart of Mother Theresa, and the fortitude of Hercules. Though on the off-chance your special flowers fall back within two standard deviations of the pack, you’re raising a generation of mumbo jumbo HatchKids who will still be living with you at thirty and holding Change.org petition signing parties.

Beyond the spectacle of Miley Cyrus and Caitlin Jenner, gender neutrality is a cover to assail masculinity. This is not a constructive mission, this is a tear down. Trying to turn girls into boys largely failed the feminist movement. Turning boys into girls on the other hand is a stratagem with exciting possibility. Contain them, drug them, and convince them that their dick appendages are curses. Never send to know for whom the bells tolls, Peyton, it tolls for thee.

Caitlyn Jenner Happy Father’s Day

By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

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Caitlyn Jenner celebrated Father’s Day with her children. If you think that sentence sounds absurd you’re either a bigot or just kind of smart or neither. This was presumably for a segment of the impending reality show where a dude gets super self righteous about wearing a dress. All the key grips offed themselves. I’m assuming these people all smell like shit. Accept for Jenner’s pony tailed rebellious son with his cis penis. That guy’s probably not bad. I saw him at Pep Boys.

Assuming Jenner is a chick, this is typical behavior. I refuse to do housework because you can’t tell me what to do. No I won’t pull out my credit card at dinner. I believe a man should act like a man. I have a moral compass which I can activate when I stop getting free shit. It’s actually an app I got on this phone I didn’t buy while vacationing in Dubai with this dude I don’t speak with anymore. If you’re a woman you don’t get to celebrate Father’s Day. I’ll start opening car doors when you bust out the Pine Sol. Equal pay, my ass.

Photo Credit: Instagram