Gabi Grecko Is America

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 9:09 AM

Gabi Grecko Has An Amazing Instagram
Whoring used to be a surreptitious profession. Girls had cover jobs like waitress or Macy’s makeup counter associate and you wondered how they could afford an Audi. Maybe their daddy was rich or they lost a lung as a child from elementary school asbestos and had a trust fund. You didn’t go straight to whore. Now the working girls are emblazoning their career choices on social media.

Aspiring model and DJ, Gabi Grecko, got herself on some low rent reality show called Club Kids New York on the Axis Channel. The Axis Channel is available only in Tribeca west of Broadway and certain parts of Bulgaria if the seventh son of the seventh son stands on the roof with rabbit ears. Her sexual behavior on the show carries over to her social media pages where she posts tons of pictures of her tits. Enough photos to get elderly Australian playboy Geoffrey Edelstein interested in having her rub grapefruits on his cock while he tries to stay awake. It’d be easy to discredit Grecko, but she has a more capitalistic mentality than the rest of her millennial cohorts. She’s not looking for a handout, simply waking up every morning and taking her prized hogs to market. We used to call that America. Somebody pin a medal on this chick. Or old man sperm. Though your credit card will be billed for the latter.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Madonna Descends

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

Madonna tumbles

Madonna’s something around Methuselah plus four score years old now, her centuries of aging masked only by the power of her Kabbalah bracelet and collagen injections. That giant cape she performed in at the Brit Awards nearly ended her. It was meant to fly away and blind those in the front row from the sight of her exposed lumbar girdle. But some future fired stage troll tied the cape too tight and it clotheslined Madonna right off the stage. She nearly impaled herself on a gay dancer horn. Even the undead can’t survive that misfortune.

Armani hooked me up! My beautiful cape was tied too tight! But nothing can stop me and love really lifted me up! Thanks for your good wishes! I’m fine! #livingforlove — Madonna reassuring her public on Instagram

Love didn’t lift you, that was three point five Newtons of force exerted on a mass of forty kilos not including makeup. It’s time to put Granny in the home. If she resists, bind the ankles and start the drip. You can still have so many wonderful concerts in your head, Madge. It’s time for soup.

LeBron James Ten Year Old College Bound

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

James

LeBron James ten year old son, LeBron James Jr, has already been recruited by multiple colleges according to James who expressed his irritation and then dangled a carrot in front of anyone potentially interested:

“It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids… He plays just like I did.”

Stop being interested in my kid. He’s going to be as good as me. Don’t look at him. He can hand you five championships. Get off my lawn! Wait, he gets his own dorm building?

It’s possible Jr hasn’t actually been recruited and James is just getting the word out. Still I wouldn’t put it past them. Kentucky scouts neonatal wards for obscenely long babies with good trajectory. Even if this kid doesn’t pan out you’re still looking at a sweet new sponsored practice facility. I’ll wager one year over under on his post secondary. Better than nothing. The American Dream is alive and well. For dad at least.

Photo Credit: TakeMyTalent/Youtube 

Wall Street Porn Star Still Talking

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Vain

Paige A Jennings, whose given porn name is Veronica Vain, continues to milk her fairly decent gimmick about how she was fired from her Wall Street job because her boss recognized naked photos of her on the Internet. At this point her only options would be to sue the ever loving shit out of the company or delve headfirst into porn on a whim. Vain wrote a lengthy boner killing piece explaining how she is a marketing genius. In it she brags openly about how smart she is even though nobody is asking. You do porn. Rationalize it on your own time. People don’t really care anymore, but it’s not a triumph over the adversity of working forty hours a week:

“I know this is the right path for me: I have the brains, sexuality, passion, confidence, and personality to be successful if I play my cards right. Still, I hope I do not become some sort of inspiration to women to follow in my footsteps unless they, too, struggle with an immense libido and above average interest in sexuality combined with common sense and intelligence. But, as for me, I have no regrets. I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t if I could. I am Veronica Vain.”

I’m sorry did you just feed a hungry child or take a load on your face? Vain really wants you to think she’s not just another porn star, even though she’s just another porn star. Insecure and the self-awareness of a garden snail. Zero women not on anti-depressants since middle school are following in your footsteps and nobody is listening to what you have to say. In fact my laptop is on mute right now. Solid work.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Real Housewives Catty With Bethenny Frankel

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Bethenny Frankel Wears A Snakeskin Bikini In Miami

According to obviously promotional gossip leaked to the lazy media, the other Real Housewives of New York are pissed at Bethenny Frankel because she poses for staged bikini shots for paparazzi she hires but doesn’t go out of her way to promote The Real Housewives show or any of the shit the other cast members are hawking. I can’t blame her. Frankel is making a killing on her Skinny Girl line of anorexic products for fat chicks. She’s racing against the clock with about six more minutes to look fuckable before her face melts to a pool at her ankles at the stroke of midnight. This drama takes place on the new season of the show which you can check out over a yogurt enema at any given safe house or black site.

It would probably be the worst mistake of my life but I definitely still would. I’d even be a gentlemen and have the respect not to raid her Blackberry in refractory for Mark Cuban’s number so I can pitch him my idea for cargo socks or a backpack with a clock on it. What have you got to lose?

Photo Credit: INF

Nobody Fucks With The Pacquiao

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

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Former Kentucky basketball player Daniel Orton, who until recently played professionally in the Philippines, was released and fined after criticizing Manny Pacquiao’s on court performance. Pacquiao at a towering 5’6″ is a player and head coach of the Kia Carnival since he is a sober Elvis who can do whatever he wants. Paq has scored one point in four games this season against guys who are afraid to block his shot like when you play against your friend’s kids in the pool. Orton appropriately found the charade ridiculous and didn’t mince words:

“[Pacquiao playing] is a joke… Professional boxer? Yeah. Congressman? All right. But professional basketball player? Seriously? It’s a joke.”

Orton was then shit canned and escorted out of the country by black ops. Respect for Paquiao runs deep. It might be because he’s a really good boxer or that he has been on a flying machine. The president of the team explained:

“It is like he went to the United States and insulted the name of Martin Luther King.”

Slow down on your moped, guy. King is a symbol of civil protest in the face of injustice. Pacquiao punches people in the head really fast with his tiny fists. Orton was fined $5,650. or one months take home pay for the average Philippine family, if that month is January and you’re combining the last 147 years worth of Januarys . Kiss his rings next time. Blow jobs around the corner.

Photo Credit: WorldSportsReplay/Youtube 

Threesome Babies Are Upon Us

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Britain has just approved the creation of human embryos from the DNA of three separate people. Guys engaging in MMF threesomes can now pretend they’re just doing it to make a baby and not secretly gay. As outlined by some British Institute somewhere, the procedure will be used for women with faulty mitochondria who can’t reproduce without this particular arrangement of beakers and hot plates and hard charging White Zombie bass lines. Scientists have found a method by which a third party donor’s mitochondria can be used, eliminating the passing on of certain rare genetic defects but grandly fucking up the genome for the rest of us. This is the first step into an obvious futuristic dystopia where the bastard floor semen from a Nickelback concert forms like Voltron and runs for President on the Democratic ticket with Hillary. Not so futuristic really.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Lindsay Lohan Tossed

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 6:07 AM

LL

Lindsay Lohan had more than half of her already bogus community service hours stemming from a reckless driving incident thrown out. Lohan was having her hours managed and verified by a charity called Community Service Volunteers. Once it was discovered they were happily cheating on her behalf because she blew the guy who signs the papers Lohan somehow arranged for her insurance company to donate $10,000 to them. This Saran Wrap ploy pissed off anyone still paying attention, limited to TMZ trolls and the judge in the case. Lohan will now have to repeat half the hours where she will inevitably show up drunk and be sent to the pokey only to be released on a medical waiver because they only carry synthetic Valtrex. This cycle will continue until she perishes in the frozen wild with a complacent grin on her face. Maybe it’s just the Botox.

Photo Credit: Instagram