Real Life Grim Reaper Is A Creep

By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 6:31 AM

Some guy has been showing up at a cemetery in New Mexico dressed as the Grim Reaper. It’s the type of thing you just don’t need after that tough hungover day at work where you decided you aren’t drinking for a while, leading you to immediately stop at the nearest tavern and chug Walker Black until you stumble out. It turns out the guy is either a frighteningly troubled child murderer or worse, some unemployed hipster. He calls himself The Light Wanderer and speaks in loosely cliched poetry, I would imagine in a solemn tone:

“There is a place where sleepers sleep and dreamers dream and patiently await. There’s nothing to be afraid of except those who seek to cause harm, pain, destruction.”

I’m sure the novelty will wear off. In the meantime, we might want to get someone from the highway patrol to stop the random Spanish speaking residents from creating cult of fear and mythology around the Grim Reaper that spreads like chupacabra tales. Before you know it, ten thousand people laden with beads will start lighting Guadalupe candles in the cemetery to appease the Light Wanderer. That’ll only encourage more bad poetry.

Chris Bosh Confirms Doubts

By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 6:02 AM

Bosh

The knock on Chris Bosh has always been that he is too soft for the NBA paint. Bosh is countering his on court pussy reputation by releasing a line of neck ties. The genius idea of fancy expensive neck ties came to Bosh at 30,000 feet while sipping on a spritzer laced with regret:

“I was on the team plane after a game. I think we lost, and that’s when I get lost in my thoughts a little bit, so I was taking my mind off basketball and it just came to me — Mr. Nice Tie.”

I think about a lot of things when I feel like a loser. Once I got a leather jacket that made me look like a suburban douche and another time I was real close to pulling the trigger on a lip wring. That’s when you have to stay strong and ignore those destructive voices in your head, especially ones involving moving into the designer tie business. Mr Nice Tie’s website features some mundane quotes from Bosh which reinforce the idea that he’s about as exciting as shopping for ties:

“My go to outfit is always a suit, no crazy colors or prints, just simple and minimal, which is what I think looks best.”

Bosh went onto drop some more of his fascinating perspectives before hustling off to buy some high thread count cotton handkerchiefs in preparation the crying he will be doing in Miami’s upcoming season. The good news is that with a 50-loss season will come a ton of even more outstanding fashion forward projects. Chris Bosh isn’t soft for an NBA player, he’s hard for a tie designer.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

 

Paris Jackson Is Pregnant Or Not

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 2:47 PM

Paris-Jackson-Selfies-in-a-Bra

According to BlackAmericaWeb.com, my go-to source for completely unfounded news about the black community, Paris Jackson is pregnant at sixteen. Also just pregnant. According to an unnamed restaurant goer who might exist or might not exist:

“I saw her [Paris] at dinner and she twice made a toast drinking water instead of wine. That and the prominent stomach bulge got people talking.”

Considering she’s sixteen, the water and wine thing seems like some super fucking weak Sherlock Holmesing. But that stomach bulge. Whenever I see a teenaged girl with a paunch, I just assume they’re a statistic in the ever increasing number of knocked up teen girls. Sometimes they’re just fat or bloated and then I apologize later for not assuming so in the first place. Once in a while a dad will punch me.

I’d like to think Paris Jackson is smart enough not to get pregnant before she graduates continuation academy. She did try to off herself at fifteen, so she is rather precocious. Her father was a big proponent of safe sex, or at least paying off the parents of those kids with the wild penis in ass stories at Neverland Ranch pickup time. I hope it’s not true, the Paris part I mean. If she survives it to adulthood without any more scathing, she might just stand a chance of escaping her birthright. Though, realistically, she’s completely and totally doomed. Maybe she won’t read that last part.

Photo credit: Instagram

Brittany Mason Is the Right Kind of Pageant Winner

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 1:20 PM

Brittany Mason Goes Nude For Josh Ryan Photoshoot
The only two times I pay attention to the phrase ‘former beauty pageant winner’ is when it’s followed by the word ‘topless’. I guess ‘shot into space’ I’d probably also click. ‘Shot into space topless’ I’d definitely click. I hate to objectify attractive women, it’s just really really hard not to. Kate Upton demanded she not be treated as a sex symbol only for us to discover she’s dancing naked and teasing Cy Young cock on camera in her apartment. I shouldn’t have seen that, but I did, now I can’t help but think about Kate Upton as a 5’9″ tall vagina. I’d like to believe that all attractive women aren’t spending their days fondling their tits in the shower and making out with their equally hot friends while shopping for lingerie, but I truly think they are. Sometimes all guys who drive Porsches do have small dicks. We wouldn’t call them baseless stereotypes if they weren’t true.

Photo Credit: Josh Ryan, Photographer

Cali Lee Seems Like the Setting Up Type (VIDEO)

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM

Cali-Lee-in-Movie-with-Ron-Jeremy

I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?

Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.







Miley Cyrus: Artist And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 09, 2014 @ 12:11 PM

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Miley Cyrus has joined other talentless celebrities masquerading as visual artists. She has a an art show called “Dirty Hippie” at V Magazine’s offices in New York. It’s mostly crap like bongs and vibrators with other shit glued to it. Maybe that’s art, maybe it isn’t, I know I’m not touching it without a double wrap of latex gloves.

Check out Miley’s crappy sculptures. (Dlisted)

Jennifer Lopez in a leather dress is still pretty fucking hot. (Huffington Post)

Emily Ratjakowski loves to show off her tits, doesn’t she? (Popoholic)

This video of Abigail Ratchford at a photoshoot makes my wiener happy. (COED)

Remember Ashley Simpson? Here is her sideboob. (The Superficial)

Lily Allen in a bikini is a good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jennifer Aniston wore a see-through dress and showed us all her nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

The Dream Lacks Inspiration

By Matt September 09, 2014 @ 12:03 PM

The-Dream-on-the-Red-Carpet

Hip Hop producer Terius Nash, aka The Dream, who has written several suspiciously effeminate songs for Britney Spears, Beyonce, and that chick you hate from college made a cameo at a mandatory court appearance for beating the shit out of his pregnant girlfriend. If only she had listened to Stephen A. Smith and never provoked him we could all save nonsense time with the courts.

The future baby mama reported the attack to the cops after The Dream refused to submit her auto-tuned demos his record label as part of a development package. Dream is taking his assault charges in stride. He even brought a new lady to the proceedings so he could work in a free date opportunity. If you’re the chick who gets assault trial instead of dinner and a movie, you have to ask yourself if he’s really sees you as girlfriend material.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Raquel Rischard Is a Fine Photographer

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 11:24 AM

Raquel Rischard In See Through Open Top On The Beach In Aruba
If you’re wondering who takes half of those titty model photos used by the 138 water people, you’re looking right at her. I know, it’s super deceiving but this calorie-free bacon dream is herself a photographer of other women who cause men to become uncomfortably erect and instinctively reach for their wallets. Now Raquel Rischard’s on the front end of the camera. Like when they let convicts run the prison for a day. Although I’m not sure that actually happens.

Photo Credit:Fame Flynet