Scott Disick Was Poisoned! But Not Well Enough

By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Scott Disick

Scott Disick was admitted to a hospital last month for being a pussy who can’t hold his liquor. Disick was out getting hammered when he told his paid extra friends he thought he was roofied. Its unclear if the hospital was Disick’s idea or some producer who thought the spectacle would be slightly more interesting than watching him cry and cut his legs with a spork. He was tested for drugs but it turns out someone just put more booze in his booze. Getting alcohol poisoning when your job is basically drinking either means you have serious brain damage or you found Leaving Las Vegas inspirational. Apparently Scott hasn’t had a drink since his hospital visit. Hopefully show producers return to the idea that his suicidal boozing is a story line with great traction and order him to start downing bottles of Old Grand-Dad until his kidneys fail. At some point, ratings are going to dip and somebody on that show’s going to need to die tragically. It’s not going to be someone with tits.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jason Biggs Makes a Funny

By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Biggs

Jason Biggs didn’t back down after he made a shitty joke on Twitter about the Malaysian Airlines flight shot down over Ukraine, killing all 295 passengers:

“Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Airlines frequent flier miles?”

Hah-hah-hah…. what?  Biggs got criticized for being insensitive and for dredging up the old airline miles clam ‘too soon’, which seems valid because he posted it literally moments after the story broke. Internet trolls need to be first. Usually celebrities come in a couple days late with insipid comments created by their 19-year old Arizona State social media interns. Biggs started getting bashed for his poor taste in jokes and instead of backing down, he doubled down:

“Truly – you losers are literally trying to find shit to get angry about. Channel your issues elsewhere.”

Here’s where Biggs falls into a classic logic fallacy. Yes, the majority of people on Twitter are sensitive twats looking to get offended instead of looking for things like peace or laughs or full-time jobs. But there mere fact that your critics are morons doesn’t inversely imply that everything they denounce must be genius.  Of course Biggs has never been funny and is only half famous because every other pudgy dork turned down the offer to fuck a pie on camera. Everything I’ve learned in life I learned from Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler. Biggs should’ve folded.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Natasha Oakley In A Bikini With a Coconut

By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Natasha Oakley In A Colorful Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I feel like it was just yesterday we saw Natasha Oakley on the beach in a bikini. It’s quite possible she doesn’t have a day job. Or this is her day job. In which case, good for her. I sat around on a beach once for a week and all I got were cops in cargo shorts harassing me and local shopkeepers threatening me in Lebanese. Or English, I was really drunk. It sounded Lebanese. Now George Clooney’s going to write a scathing op-ed about me in the Sunday Times of his mind. I’m not equipped for the bon vivant lifestyle. I haven’t the tits.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan Shares Her Boobs on Instagram

By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 2:47 PM

Lindsay Lohan Takes A Bikini Selfie For Instagram
Lindsay Lohan’s desire to remain out of the spotlight off the gossip columns continues to be thwarted by her rather strong desire to fall down in public and promote her tits off on social media. It’s like watching the Scarecrow try and point the way to Oz. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be helpful.

Photo Credit: Lindsay Lohan/Instagram

The New College Football Trophy Is Rather Shitty

By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 1:53 PM

The-New-College-Football-Champions-Trophy
College Football got rid of the BCS championship after many years of fan bitching and replaced it with a new playoff system that fans can bitch about for the next twenty years. That’s a backhanded bitch slap for all the people who vote for change. Just to stick it in your face, the NCAA kicked the national championship crystal football to the curb and replaced it with this fucking bit of lipstick case Hunger Games capital city abomination of a trophy. I don’t know how coaches are going to inspire their bearded young scholar athletes with visions of passing that dainty purse accessory over their heads come January. My fourth grade AYSO trophy could ass rape this college football trophy and it would only cry when it was over. If it hadn’t been for that six peso spray painted tinfoil trophy they handed out at the World Cup, this would be the world’s weakest trophy. Soccer saves us once again from being most lame

Lady Gaga’s Assistant Penning a Tell-All

By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 1:25 PM

Gaga

Jennifer O’Neill, Lady Gaga’s former assistant, is writing a tell all book about the horrors of holding down a full time job. Gaga, who orders her non-disclosure agreements from the back of The Onion, already had to pay O’Neill a settlement regarding overtime pay. O’Neill claims Gaga made her sleep in the same bed with her to help ward off the feral bats that strafe the singer nightly in her slumber. That does seem like time you should be compensated for. Gaga claims she was a model employer

“I am the queen of the universe, every day… I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me.”

I’m going to bet that’s more of a boast than a supportable fact. This does not excuse O’Neill from writing a nasty book because your boss called you out that one time when you brought people back from the club and told them you owned the house. I predict the book will bomb horribly. The people who do care about Lady Gaga prefer her trumped up stage image and could care less about what she’s like with the curtains pulled back. And for those of us non-fans, just the mention of Lady Gaga’s curtains being pulled back make us gag from spleen to mouth.  There is no audience for this book. Except for every other creepy celebrity who will no longer higher Jenny to be their confidential bunkmate.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Genevieve Morton Poses Nude for Randall Slavin

By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 12:48 PM

Genevieve Morton Poses Nude And Covered For A Photo Shoot By Randall Slavin
This South African chick will do anything for attention. You think laying naked on a rocky beach is pleasant? You get a chunk of limestone up your cunny and you’ll be wondering why you didn’t take that weekend shift at the Johannesburg Chick-fil-A.  Ambition really is what differentiates the aspiring models from the girls who no longer have to blow old men named Rick to pay the rent. What’s a rock up the cooch when you’re relieved of that horrid existence. No offense, Rick.

Photo Credit: Randall Slavin

Drake And Macklemore Shot Into Space And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 17, 2014 @ 12:30 PM

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The inexplicably popular Drake used his forum as host of the ESPYs to throw shade at Macklemore. He’s still jealous that the talentless shitburger beat him at the Grammys to which he wore his very neatest suit. I wish Easy-E hadn’t died of The AIDS so he could set these kids straight, with a gun.

Read what the handicapped kid from Degrassi had to say about Macklemore. (Huffington Post)

Want to see a picture of Kate Upton big ole titties? Of course you do! (Drunken Stepfather)

Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer is hot, especially when she wears a see-through shirt. (Taxi Driver)

Britney Spears dined and very slowly dashed at the Cheesecake Factory (The Superficial)

Chrissy Teigen warms up for a performance by spazzing out all sexy on the floor. (COED)

Selena Gomez isn’t wearing any underwear under her Renn Faire dress. (Popoholic)

Whore banshee Jenny McCarthy claims she’s burned through 400 vibrators. (BroBible)