This Fleshlight Promo Video Is Real Weird (VIDEO)

By Matt January 22, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

The makers of Fleshlight thought it would be a good idea to find some random Czech porn chick and claim their product is an exact replica of her vagina. If it’s actually true, your company is stupid, an ugly dock whore would have done it for half. Pussy is pussy. Guys who say this are usually losers, except in the case when there’s no face or body attached. Then it’s a definite. This video chronicles the vag model, Eufrat Jai, and her trip to the Spanish factory where her Fleshlights are made as if it were Ted Williams posthumously walking into Cooperstown. She says the following:

“My father told me that women has special present from God, and with our vagina, we can be star.”

Before this gets any creepier I should explain it’s European. The following happens: The manager of the Fleshlight factory tells her he personally uses the assembly line version of her vagina. Then he lubes up the replica and fingers it in front of her. The employees of the factory are forced to pretend they are super psyched to see her in the flesh at the clear risk of being sent back to the olive brining caves. She appears believe this whole orchestration. After listening to this chick speak I’m not sure if I’d rather fuck the real thing or the polymer. Did they pour plaster into her cavities? That’s not a selling point. I’m pretty sure the Fleshlight is STD free. Although that manager is giving me pause. Fuck it. I’ll just beat off normally like a real man.

DeAndre Jordan Aloof (VIDEO)

By Matt January 22, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

DeAndre Jordan did a post game interview where he zones out listening to Tupac on the P.A. and lines up a blow job for after the showers. Or before, you dirty dog. He’s either kind of a dick or a bit slow although there’s the possibility he chugged Hennessy with the nacho guy during half time. Everyone has to talk to people we don’t want to. For most of us it’s our friend from junior high or the maintenance guy. If you’re a multimillionaire athlete, it’s the uninformed media girl who consistently fucks up her only two on air sentences and drives by your house a few times a week. Either way, show a little respect. That chick didn’t study the roster on her iPhone over cocktails with Donald Sterling to deserve this. She’s a fucking journalist bro. Can’t you tell by the pant suit?

Lindsay Lohan Hospitalized in Lindsay Lohan Condition

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 1:27 PM

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The first thing an ER nurse will do is try to establish a baseline against which to measure your current condition. With Lindsay Lohan, the triage questions run the lines of, is your vision more blurry than normal? Are your joint pains more severe than as a typical Sunday morning? Is that gentleman’s cum in your ear canal?

Lindsay Lohan was admitted to a London hospital related to that mosquito borne virus she picked up while scratching her anus along lava rocks in Bora Bora. Lindsay played through the symptoms while on vacation with the strict regimen of vodka and cocaine, but thanks to British customs, she fell into rather steep decline upon return to her new adopted homeland.  The prognosis is solid for Lindsay to make a full recovery. Unfortunately that will be recovery to 2015 Lindsay Lohan, not 2004 Lindsay Lohan as she had asked the doctors if it was possible. C’mon, science, pick up the pace.

Lia Marie Johnson Turns Eighteen And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Turning eighteen means many things to many different people. When you’re a social media creation, it means it’s time to go offline and start doing shoots that show off your tits.

Lia Marie Johnson shows off her youthful boobage for your viewing pleasure. (Egotastic)

Shahs of Sunset slut Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi has some giant fake titties. (TMZ)

Theo Huxtable comes to Bill Cosby’s defense because of the pudding on the face. (Huffington Post)

Miranda Kerr in lingerie makes my wiener happy. (Popoholic)

Chick with a dick Alexis Arquette discusses Jared Leto’s gorgeous cock. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney eats burgers sexily for Carl’s Junior. (COED)

Kim Kardashian in a Fur Bikini

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears A fur Bikini
When not saving the afflicted with just the tip of his one in the stink finger, Kanye West is designing bikinis. He asphyxiated four adult male foxes with the heel of his boot to create this merkin inspired bikini for his wife and then snapped away and shared with the world. Kanye first fell in love with Kim while watching Ray J pound her ass her on video and has never stopped loving her. Or wanting to see her lady parts stuffed on camera. Don’t believe what you hear about divorce rumors in the gossip rags, this marriage is only ending when death overtakes one or both. Preferably by vengeful widowed foxes with thousands of super sharp tiny fangs. I hope they take pictures and post.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lesbians Are the New Lesbians

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 10:55 AM

Kelly Brook Is Pixelated Naked In A New TV Show With Elisha Cuthbert Whos Plays A Lesbian
Ellen Degeneres produced a TV show and picked the random category of lesbian as the subject matter. It’s Elisha Cuthbert as a hot stacked lesbian the way lesbians dream lesbians look but only really exist to be married to crazy rich lesbians like Ellen. Everybody else gets Janeane Garofalo. I know she’s not gay, but you get what I’m saying. A very small number of women are hogging all the good lesbians.

The show centers on a super handsome guy who agrees to make a baby with his lesbian best friend only to fall in love with Kelly Brook because her tits are enormous even though they can’t show them on network television since it’s determined to go completely out of business soon. The show is groundbreaking in that there are currently only 45 gay regular characters on television and Elisha Cuthbert’s will be the least realistic. Shame on you, Ellen. You’ve betrayed your people for a few network ad dollars. Though if you got a little taste of Kelly Brook snatch during casting, you’re still my hero.

Photo Credit: “One Big Happy” Trailer

Brentwood Gets Super Real

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

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The Mavens of the Righteous convened a coffee klatch Monday morning to discuss the American Sniper billboard terrorizing their peaceful Brentwood neighborhood. The nannies had been reporting having to push the children right past adoration of the American military on their walks. The Garner-Afflecks reminded the group that the ‘it’s just a movie’ line they’d all been using to defend their work for decades didn’t apply to American Sniper because it was blatantly distasteful. The glorification of killing is simply not Hollywood. Excluding movies the attendees had all cashed in on, naturally since they were right minded people. They drew vegan biscotti to see who would take the blood red paint up the ladder to pen ‘murder’ on the billboard. The question as to the courage of snipers remains debatable. The reverence that surely must be applied to those who climbed so that others may survive this film’s hateful message is simply unassailable.

Photo credit: ABC7 Los Angeles

Hilary Swank Looks Taut

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

Hilary Swank Shows Some Skin For Interview Germany
Hilary Swank is often overlooked in the beauty category as her exaggerated bite instinctively causes men to suck their balls into their thoracic cavities and dash for the cave. Also, those manly logger hands are hit or miss depending on who you ask in their most honest moments. But, she’s no doubt a gifted actress which means we can appreciate her naked in a pool. Especially when the photographer instructed her to purse her lips until the children in the area stopped crying. You can see a hint of the strength that used to make her first husband wet his unitard. We should all look so good at forty. You go, girl. I’m kind. Hurt me last.

Photo Credit: Interview Germany