By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 12:46 PM
Jessica Simpson is married, she’s not dead. Also, buzzed not drunk. And puffy not heavy. She’s still got those magnificent tits that along with her ability to lip-synch and be from Texas made her famous fifteen years ago. Origin stories of most billionaires go deeper into detail. There’s not much else to this one. Make shit. Sell shit. Hope your gay preacher dad doesn’t sleep with your husband. What are those black leather pants doing hanging over the chair? Daddy! He’s incorrigible.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack November 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
On last Saturday’s SNL, Larry David called Donald Trump a racist to his face. Though it was part of a bit, David is now entitled to a $5000 bounty a pro-immigration group offered to anyone in the SNL audience that would do the same. Five grant is a shitload of illegal roach coach tacos, my amigo.
Watch what all the hoopla is about. (TMZ)
Olivia Culpo bikinis with the best of them. (Last Men On Earth)
Sarah Hay and some other topless ballet dancers do their thing on Flesh and Bone. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Eiza Gonzalez shows off her booty in a revealing swimsuit. (Drunken Stepfather)
Warm up with these hot girls on the beach. (The Chive)
Binky Felstead has a stupid name but big old titties. (Hollywood Tuna)
Naya Rivera’s milk jugs are out of control. (Popoholic)
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 11:45 AM
Vivica A. Fox implied in an TV interview that 50 Cent might be gay. 50 Cent started the battle with a comment that Fox’s current show Empire was slipping heavily in the ratings because it was filled with slightly to modestly gay things like two dudes having sex. Fox, who used to date 50 Cent, implied that 50 was the pot calling the kettle black and that that her ex-boyfriend might have been on the down low with Soulja Boy. Fox later apologized to Soulja Boy though everyone had to admit his rapper name was pretty fucking gay. 50 Cent was less amused:
Oh No!!! Now she things I’m gay because I let her lick my Ass. LMAO. Wait, I didn’t want her to, she forced me, my hands were tied. 50 Shades of Grey.
I might’ve gone with ‘bitch B pathetic’ and left it at that. The whole ass reaming and being tied up by an older lady run is not the best hetero credentials. It’s been a rough year for 50 Cent what with the bankruptcies and the lawsuits and his club tapes not moving so much. You probably don’t want to get in a dirty laundry battle with your former girlfriend. She can kind of act. You’re living off your rep. Consider taking some more bullets. It might get Soulja Boy to return your late night texts. Look at you two. Adorbs.
Photo credit: XXL Magazine
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
Miley Cyrus received a standing ovation at the LGBT Vanguard Awards when she licked The AIDS piano to prove her epidemiological knowledge gleaned through ‘some grade school’. Miley was honored at the ceremony for her homegrown gender fluidity science. It’s a settled science much like global warming and 15th century geography. As with all speakers during the evening, Cyrus reminded the crowd that the LGBT community cares about people more than the rest of the world. Then she peed on Dustin Lance Black and called it a night. The dreadlocks were due by 10am the next morning to avoid losing her deposit.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 9:57 AM
Pamela Anderson went on social media, Tinder, and Backpage Dubai to announce that our long national STD nightmare is over. She’s cured of Hep C. There was no comment on the related ailments of alcoholism, bankruptcy, and pink eye. Anderson posted a mostly naked photo of herself on Instagram to celebrate. Like a department store grand re-opening sign.
“I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still…#dontlosehope #itworkedforme#thereisacure #love #happy#americanliverfoundation #celebration#Idontknowwhattodo #iwanttohelp#cannes #iloveboats #onthesea #free”
I love boats too, sweetheart. Still, I’m asking for a blood test at a lab of my choosing.
Anderson claims she was part of an experimental FDA drug designed to cure women who’ve shared cocks and needles with Tommy Lee. The hoi polloi are complaining that the Hep C medicinal treatment cost a thousand bucks a pill and remains out of reach of your more common street whores. Anderson encouraged those working women to be super famous twenty-five years ago if possible. Failing that, anal will get you to your financial goals thirty-percent faster. If there’s only enough medicine for some of us, that medicine needs to go to the chicks who refuse to commit to reducing their risky behavior in the future. C’mon, Hef, give us some Hepatitis drugs if you please.
Photo credit: Pamela Anderson/Instagram
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
Sarah Silverman doesn’t have a ton of competition for bleak personal flicks about midlife Jewish women suffering untold and unseen emotional traumas. Especially when she agrees to take SAG minimum and promote the film on her robust Twitter. Box Office Mojo makes it much harder these days for everyone to lie about having seen this movie and insisting others do the same. I saw the numbers. Nineteen people went opening week. Barely a minyan. Even depressed Jewish women have better things to do with their time than spend two hours seeing a depressed Jewish woman with much nicer tits than they. Xanax and a mani pedi is clearly more inspiring. You can’t eat popcorn with dental implants. I want my money back. I am the nineteen.
Photo Credit: “I Smile Back” Egoli Tossell Film
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 6:59 AM
Every time Angelina Jolie lops off another reproductive organ she celebrates by writing directing and producing a grossly disheartening foreign film. Is she legally not allowed to make depressing art house movies in the U.S.? I couldn’t read all the Sony emails. Jolie’s captured the horrors of the Bosnian war and that crappy Japanese tranny run prison torture camp. Found footage of her and Brad Pitt being emotionally callous in wigs in the South of France is set to bomb this weekend. She’s currently directing another film from her own script about a Cambodian human rights activist during the Killing Fields holocaust of the 70′s, before moving on to an animated feature about an Afghani girl who has to pretend to be a boy to keep her family from eating Grandpa.
Come up for a smile, Angelina. Your international cuddle of purchased children love you unconditionally. The Hollywood Foreign Press have a waiting list to suck on your future gender balancing power penis. We just want you to be happy again. Maybe get into some YouTube prank videos or something where nine of the eleven people who see your films don’t intentionally get their bare toes bloodied in the escalator sprockets just to feel something after your movie. What the fuck happened to you? I suppose you were always miserable deep down, but you faked a perfect smile to match your tits. We were happy. When did we stop mattering?
Photo Credit: Peter Lindbergh
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 1:24 PM
Someday Matt and I will be revered as forward thinkers. That or found buried in a shallow grave. I could be happy either way. There’s so much shit and hypocrisy in this world of beautiful daisies and hot Latin ass that somebody has to be willing to stand up and say, shit, this seems wrong.
In this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast the secrets of the universe are revealed by way of tranny teens, people discovering that social media is a waste of time, and everybody in the world wondering what the fuck happened to Angelina Jolie. You used to want to fuck her, now you just want to help her across the street and pretend she doesn’t smell like old lady liniment.
Imagine you’re a hornless unicorn and all the other animals at the zoo are mocking and sexually assaulting you. Now turn that frown around and do a good deed. Be sure to follow the show on Twitter, Facebook, and on the LastMenonEarth.com. Also hit us up on iTunes.