By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 7:13 AM
Kim Kardashian and her super not gay husband are having another child. The people who found the God Particle continue donating to Planned Parenthood. Kim has another eight months of being club hot and you can’t wash jizz out of your hair forever plus your ass hurts. Hopefully it will be a boy so Jaden Smith can introduce him to gender fluidity over gluten free latkas. I don’t know what fluidity means but neither to the people who say it. Why is there lube in your Christmas stocking? You see how chartered planes crash on the news all the time but it’s never like in a romantic comedy when you know the people. I can’t do the math but we’re fucked. At least Michael Jackson had the decency to wring out his sheets. I rarely pray but let there be a fucking earthquake.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 6:36 AM
Lamar Odom’s second friend in the last five days died of a drug overdose (the one in your upper left of the photo). That’s why you train hard. Bobby Heyward was apparently a writer and producer. That’s coincidentally what I told my parents when asking for money. Odom is arguably the greatest athlete of all time. Those dudes in the D-League bite the dust when doing strenuous activity after a bout of dirty needle sharing. This is what makes a legend. Ask Len Bias. If there’s an over 50 league at the YMCA I don’t see why we shouldn’t have an All Meth Game prior to official tipoff. I’d play a round with Tiger with my house on the line if I were able to choose his drug regimen prior to tee time. That’s also why I’m going broke. I tend to get shit faced before I make bad decisions. That being said if Jordan and Odom played one on one It’d be a good bet. After snorting a bottle of Clorox the spread is even. Odom missed his calling. There’s always China.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 2:26 PM
Episode the sixth of our Last Men on Earth podcast really drives home that Malcolm Gladwell thing about needing to spend 10,000 hours perfecting any skill. I might be confusing that with Malcolm Forbes and bending over 10,000 men. The point is, Matt and I have 9,960 hours left before I think we can be judged fairly.
In this episode we discuss the lunacy of gender fluidity, why people who leave excessively large tips are assholes, and the fact that millions of Americans watch TV shows where people literally die for our viewing pleasure, and that’s kind of okay. Also, we interview Lisa Lampanelli about whether or not men would finger her when she was a hundred pounds heavier. Somebody had to.
Check out Lisa’s comedy special flick on Epix: Back to the Drawing Board
Be sure to like the show on iTunes and leave positive comments so we can earn our free trip this summer to Space Camp!
The Last Men on Earth is now proudly sponsored by ThePornDude.com. It’s where Matt and I go for all of our online adult content recommendations and links. Not together obviously, that would be gay. Though, there are links for that as well on ThePornDude. They have everything.
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 12:48 PM
Pamela Anderson was bestowed the title of Countess of Giglio by a prince from Montenegro even though nobody is sure Montenegro is a real place and even those who do are pretty sure they have no royal family. It’s possible this was an elaborate cosplay arranged for on Craigslist Former Yugoslavia. He did wear a tuxedo so it seemed pretty official. The pretense of the honor was Anderson’s work saving marine life, which boils down to her being too broke ass to afford Red Lobster. Anderson’s two teenaged sons were there and also knighted which makes the story particularly icky. Though there’s got to be an age when you learn how your parents are paying for your shit. I dub thee Lady Jugs. Call me, Your Highness and pretend you’re my sister when I’m ready to blow. Yes, these coins with my face on it are legal tender.
Photo Credit: Instagram (above) FameFlynet (below)
By Jack June 22, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Jake Lloyd, the shrill troll that helped make Phantom Menace unbearable as Anakin Skywalker, was arrested after leading cops on a car chase and hitting some trees. Could be karma for ruining Star Wars. Or booze and blue meth. Bet the latter.
Read all about little Ani’s troubles. (TMZ)
Behold Rosie Huntington-Whitely in spandex. (Egotastic)
Kim Kardashian’s latest flesh turd is a boy. (Huffington Post)
Hey look, it’s Pheobe Price’s ass! (Drunken Stepfather)
Claudia Galanti gets a massage while wearing a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)
Taylor Swift and her monstrous bird legs hit the streets. (Popoholic)
Who doesn’t love thigh gaps? (The Chive)
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:52 AM
Hilaria Baldwin posted a photo of herself in bra and panties moments after dropping Alec Baldwin’s second half-Spanish half-bourbon baby onto the organic flax woven doula mat. I’ve seen addicted moms dig for the booze or recreational drugs not long after pushing the placenta out. They’ve been jonesing so hard. For Baldwin, it’s been a week since was able to post half naked photos of her fecund body. That’s a lifetime for a social media narcissist. It’s unclear what Alec thinks of all this other than he’s fucking a yoga instructor half his age and and that prevents you from caring much about the rest. One more baby and she’ll be ready to downward facing dog a pillow over his face while he slumbers. With hindsight, they’ll both agree it’s for the best.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:20 AM
Proving all you need is a dick and drugs to make babies, Charlie Sheen is a dad several times over. For the holidays, Sheen likes to get especially tweaked and create reminders to his future father-less offspring of how conflicting it is when dad is deceased but also an asshole. Sheen fired off a Tweet on Father’s Day aimed at his last two wives:
Brooke M is a sexy rok star whom I adore D Richards a heretic washed up piglet Shame pile Happy Father’s Day!!!”
It’s not cool for a guy to favor one ex-wife over the other. If you have to choose I suppose you do go with the drug addict who was always carrying when you were strung out over a government holiday long weekend. Maybe it’s unfair to Denise Richards who took in Brooke and Charlie’s crack twins when both parents were so fucked up a judge prohibited them from even mentioning aloud the fact that they’d reproduced. Either way, this seems more like a Mother’s Day message. You can rest when your dead. Pencil in this coming Friday?
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
According to HollywoodLife who takes banal stories and punches them up by way of anonymous sources and lots of exclamation points, Chris Brown was jealous when Rihanna and her new soccer boyfriend entered the same club he was partying at and started fooling around. Most guys love it when chicks who dumped them get their tits felt up by their happening new boyfriends. But not Chris Brown. According to HollywoodLife, he ‘stared’ and ‘fidgeted’, which are apparently action verbs. You never forget the feel of your knuckles compressing into the cheekbone of the first girl you ever loved enough to beat. This isn’t going away, Chris. But if you fuck another thousand models, the fidget should clear up. Rapper problems. Honestly.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet