By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 4:12 PM
George Lopez has been working way too hard. His fourth eponymously titled TV show is about to debut on FX, with the hope that this time somebody non-Hispanic in America will chuckle. He’s also still working the stand-up circuit, the esteemed casino tour in Canada, where last night after his show he felt the need for a brief respite on the floor of the Windsor Caesar’s Casino. Many passerby’s noticed that he was heavily intoxicated, including men with badges who hauled him away, but I’m assuming they just don’t understand a creative genius’ need for sudden naps. I bet right now George is fashioning some epic knee-slappers about Mexicans trying to sleep in Canadian casino lobbies. That’ll earn him three more TV shows playing himself. Maybe his ex-wife will donate him her second kidney. Ay, mami! That lovable scamp.
Photo credit: Chad Maura/Twitter
By Jack February 28, 2014 @ 3:52 PM
Two men were arrested in Herkimer, NY for covering themselves in Jell-O and videotaping themselves fucking cows. Apparently, Reid Fontaine and Michael Jones had been calling on the slutty cows on the Herkimer dairy farm for a while. The farmer was concerned that his cows had stopped producing milk and he decided to set up a camera to find out why. Little did he know that two guys were making love to his cows for some cattle diddling fetish website. The assaulted heifer ran off into the street and was struck by a car. I guess it just couldn’t live with the trauma. The farmer called the cops and the local news station arrived and caught the guy in the act. The two men were arrested and are charged with criminal misconduct, animal abuse, and acting like a couple of NBA players. The reporter said,
“Now when we arrived, one of the men was actively having sex with the cow. His friend who was videotaping the act took off as soon as he seen us arrive. Now we can’t show you that video because the man was naked and covered in Jell-O, however we can show you the video of the aftermath.”
I like to think of myself as a modern man when it comes to sex. Meaning, I’ll do pretty much anything a hot girl asks me to do. But, so far, watching bestiality while getting it on hasn’t come up yet. Is there some secret underground market there for Jell-O coated cow fucking fetish videos? If so, shouldn’t that progressive Duke Freshman be seeking to unionize Guernseys in the adult sex business? Do you see how confusing nasty sex can be? I’m sure this news story will get much tighter when Dick Wolf pretends it’s not the basis for his next episode of Law & Order: SVU.
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:
It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.
I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:
She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.
A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack February 28, 2014 @ 1:42 PM
Robin Thicke is trying everything he can think of to get Paula Patton to take him back. He’s apparently sending thousands of dollars worth of flowers to her house because he saw that work in a movie once. I think it was Pretty Woman and she was a whore. He’s also now moping on stage during his concerts, hoping the obese suburban moms that comprise his audience will form a tubby coven and conjure his woman back to him. We told you about how the rift between the sexiest couple to come out of Canada since Terence and Philip began when Miley Cyrus dry humped Robin on stage at the VMAs. What his desperation tells me is that he did more than shtick with Miley to get kicked out of the house. Maybe a better approach is to play it cool instead of looking like a desperate d-bag. Women can smell weakness and desperation, especially a woman like Paula Patton who has plenty of options. Next batch of flowers, include a note, ‘Hey, Candy, I just checked my dick, your ass is officially 98.6 degrees. Then let Paula take in the Grand Canyon of a loss she’s just suffered. I’ve got lots of great ideas like that.
By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 1:27 PM
Kate Moss is a real woman with real woman feelings. She’s not some stoned Barbie doll existing merely for you to mock and ridicule. She’s a wife and a working mom and a contributing member of her society. Sometimes I wish people would look past the gossip and the snark and the hearsay and get to know the real Kate Moss. Personally, I’d start with her boobs. I heard she likes them peed on.
Photo Credit: Lui Magazine
By Travis February 28, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Victoria’s Secret model and all-around attractive Brazilian woman Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot in downtown Los Angeles yesterday, and it really challenged her to push her talents to the limits. At one point, she was wearing one dress, but then she changed into another dress, and everyone was just mesmerized by how amazing she is at her job. As for what she was modeling, I’m guessing it was something important like a grocery store or tennis shoes. My other guess is that she’s the face of a brand new line of see-through skirts that have been designed to make guys everywhere ask, “Wait, am I going to get kicked in the balls for looking at your crotch? Because it’s basically staring me in the face.” Nice try, fashion, but we’re smarter than that now.
Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/WENN.com
By Travis February 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Confirming what everyone has known for what feels like years, or at least since he dumped his grandmother’s bridge partner, Ashton Kutcher has reportedly finally put an engagement ring on Mila Kunis’ finger. The co-stars of That 70s Show have been very visibly dating for the last year or so, but they’ve been waiting and waiting to make it official, probably so Ashton can think of the proper way to tell every man on the planet to go fuck themselves. Sure, he already told everyone to go fuck themselves when he made the offensively terrible Jobs last year, but this time he just wants to focus solely on the men, so he really hammers home the point that he has made a career out an idiot’s grin and trucker hats.
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Travis February 28, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Most restaurants in major cities have either banned smoking or hired someone to blast you in the face with a fire hose if you even think about lighting up in or around the property, but the staff at this restaurant in West Hollywood didn’t seem to mind when Melanie Griffith was puffing away at her table yesterday. The rest of the customers probably complained to high hell, but Melanie just sat there shouting, “I was in Milk Money!” in that awful voice of hers, before everyone else just said fuck it and let the old lady have her cancer. Also, they might have been distracted by her friend’s really big breasts, because I’ve forgotten my name six times since first looking at them.
Photo Credits: WENN.com