Photographer Does Photographer Shit

By Matt August 18, 2015 @ 9:45 AM

Deals

It’s not like the only thing separating you taking shitty black and white photos for a living is a middle name and a v-neck sweater. Or maybe it is. Photographers used to have to check out exposure and deal with chemicals. You have an iPhone. Nobody say anything but your job is obsolete. Double down on the pretentiousness as if it were’t insufferable already. Peter Freed took a bunch of photos of models without wearing makeup. That’s a statement. So is being honest with your wife. We’re old and unemployed and I’ll drive to your place in the valley. Then there’s the artistic statement. Copy and paste. That’s Christy Turlington. She wanted the complimentary gift card. Iggy Pop is en route.

Photo Credit: PeterFreed.com 

Diddy Banished

By Matt August 18, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

DID

Sean Combs aka the gay guy on the down low guy you know from church is not allowed to attend practices anymore at his son’s UCLA football game or visit the G8 summit on his private jet like the other attendees. Combs got into an altercation for no good reason with a strength and conditioning coach this Spring after one of the team practices where Combs helicopters like a dad without a day job. Combs’ son is a redshirt ninth year junior who is a four foot eleven tight end. You have to admire him for trying, but you also have kind of talk shit about him for trying. That movie Rudy is pretty good except I think his dad was Ned Beatty in a steel mill and not a truck stop nancy with a wave job. It’s a real lose lose situation for the kid. Until he graduates college and moves from that dorm into Rihanna’s pussy. Rent is crazy.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Emlie Hirsch Gets Off Easy

By Matt August 18, 2015 @ 8:59 AM

Emile-Hirsch-Goes-to-Court

Emile Hirsch will have to do 15 days in jail for trying to drunkenly choke out an under qualified film executive named Daniele Bernfeld who started greenlighting Rush Hour 9 right out of Montessori while eating latkas. He’s a shitty actor, but she’s better:

“I was subjected to a violent and unprovoked attack by a complete stranger. The defendant, Emile Hirsch, put me in a chokehold, pulled me off my feet and threw me on the floor. With the full force of his weight, he choked me until I blacked out. It took two people to pull him off me, and if not for their intervention, the attack would have continued. I thought I was going to die.”

He’s four foot three. What the fuck are you talking about and what kind of damage can Frodo do? God forbid you’ve seen a car go six miles over the speed limit. That could have been your unborn children. Shut the fuck up. Hirsch should get more than two weeks. We also shouldn’t be dropping drones on Kazakhstan. Get over it.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Monica Sims in a Bikini

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 7:39 AM

Monica Sims Bikinis And Sheer Top
This Playboy Playmate reminds me of every girl I never had sex with over the summer. The June solstice always kicks off with such promise. But what comes of your lofty dreams when you’re begging the deaf girl for a blowjob by the 4th of July. It’s a microcosm of life in general. You reach for the brass ring. It’s just so fucking slippery. Like this girl’s vagina that you’ll never have. My period wasn’t supposed to start until next week. Why are your socks on the floor?

Photo Credit: Joshua McCaghren

Rose McGowan Nipples Tell No Tales

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 6:59 AM

Rose McGowan Pokies in Red Top
Rose McGowan continues to protest the tight tank top roles she’s forced to play in B-moved by showing off her tits for the paparazzi in Beverly Hills. It’s a protest so subtle, that you have to fully commit to its irony just to begin to understand it. The lion tamer can’t bitch when everybody asks him to bring the lions along. Nobody wants to see a sullen dude in a brilliant gay suit hoisting a whip at their party. Maybe Calvin Klein. Don’t make us forget the reasons we love you. The list is short. You could’ve gone one size smaller.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Britney Spears Squats for the Children

By Lex August 17, 2015 @ 1:19 PM

Britney Spears Crouches In Sheer Dress
Nobody knows what the Teen Choice Awards are. Nobody cared after Britney Spears showed up and squatted like a Russian grandma taking an alley dump in 1911. You’d have to be a qualified doctor to name all the parts Britney was displaying in her pop-up gynecological diorama. She was subsequently awarded six trophies for being a sex positive role model for girls and smartly distancing herself from Iggy Azalea musically. There’s a reason we don’t let teens decide shit in this society. Sour Patch kids are giving you diabetes. Check out Britney’s snatch, kids. Life never gets better.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Alba Makes My Wiener Happy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

476544346

Jessica Alba is still friggin’ hot as shit. Sure, she’s a crappy actress but I don’t go to her movies to see her emote. I go to see her scantily clad.

Check her out in a white bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jackie Ibarra and Liz Nolan’s nip slips are the only reason to watch “Big Brother”. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Kylie Jenner bikinis in Mexico for her birthday. (TMZ)

Kylie Rae Instagrams in her underwear. (Hollywood Tuna)

Elena Gomez has some big old titties, y’all. (Popoholic)

I like sweaty girls in workout clothes. (The Chive)

Lindsey Pelas’ tits are something special. (The Superficial)

Kendall Jenner Has Big Plans

By Lex August 17, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

Kendall Jenner All Spandex
According to RadarOnline with an accuracy rating circling Pravda, Kendall and Kylie Jenner formed a Grinchy idea to ditch the Keeping Up With the Kardashians show and start their own young tits-based empire. Somebody’s been whispering in their ear about how their half sisters are aging, mom is stealing their money and they ought stake their own reality claim like Vagina Dad. There’s not a whore on this planet who doesn’t get tempted at some point to break out from under the yoke of her pimp. It rarely goes down well. Would Kris Jenner shank one or both of her own girls in the yard? Kylie and Kendall Jenner are worth a small fortune. But you can’t cash checks when you have no thumbs.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet