By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 9:42 AM
We’ve always had a standing no-comment policy about young women dressing up like slutty school girls. The longings brought up by this routinely sexualized archetype is far too icky to discuss honestly. I’d rather live believing that when you toss your plastic bottle in the blue container it gets converted into live-saving food pellets for starving Sudanese children. You can’t enjoy life if you think about reality too much. Or if you believe in Hell. To atone for your sins, once a year, read a feminist treatise on the ills of infantilizing women for sexual prurience. After an appropriate period of reflection, roll it up and use it to whack off to Naughty Schoolgirls Volume 7. That shit is never going away.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Recently arrested MMA fighter War Machine has been dropped by Alpha Male Shit, the clothing line he helped create. War Machine had been one of the faces of the company along with his dangerously in love porn star girlfriend, Christy Mack. Alpha Male Shit is made for pathetic dudes who sprinkle the alpha dog’s kill with freshly ground pepper. The company released a statement that the line “Has been taken over by a Navy SEAL” because everyone knows that nondescript Navy SEAL guy who saves shitty clothing websites and does not exist. The site does not mention the tons of gay sex War Machine had on camera during his porn career, but it does offer a generic manifesto that really means business because its written in all caps.
THINKING FOR ONESELF
FOLLOWING YOUR CONSCIENCE AND NOT THE WORDS IN A BOOK
AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER ALPHA SHIT!
Dropping War Machine is not a smart move. This clothing line is obviously marketed to a fringe group of society’s rejects including guys who have kill lists and dream of putting girls on leashes. Beating the shit out of a defenseless chick and going on the lam is about as raw as it gets. War Machine’s actions have really jibed with the core beliefs of this meth binge formal attire. My money says busts out of his holding cell and decapitates the Navy SEAL guy while he’s in his bedroom lip synching to Korn records and jerking it to some of War’s guy on guy material. Then, naturally, Christy Mack will take him back. You can’t beat the stupid out of people.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 8:54 AM
The widow of The Ultimate Warrior wants Hulk Hogan to stop talking about her deceased husbands in public. Hogan and the Warrior had many feuds in the WWF, and apparently did not get along behind the scenes. This could be attributed to the fact that the Warrior was an insane roid raging religious nut who nobody liked, or that once you have had your face pressed against a guy’s nutsack for a dozen pile drivers its hard to make eye contact over a Stella. In an interview Hogan discussed how he had attempted to make up with the Warrior:
“I went right up to him, I shook his hand and said, ‘Brother, I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, but I just want to let you know I love you.”
Hogan later admits this was done on camera, but claims to have not seen the camera until he finished his ham fisted and rehearsed soliloquy.
“And then I noticed that there was a WWE camera that peeled around the side. I had no idea that they had a camera following him.”
Dana Warrior is pissed that Hogan played the Nobel Peace Prize card for the cameras, but in real life didn’t give a fuck about the Warrior. The fact that her last name is Warrior combined with her utter shock that wrestlers pretend things in front of cameras might mean that Dana’s husband forget to tell his wife that 40-year old men don’t actually get paid to wrestle for real anywhere in the world. The actors who play Spock and Kirk don’t need to stroke each other off between takes, they just need to nail the scene.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 8:42 AM
Kurt Paschke punched a chick in the face during a fight at MetLife Stadium last season. He’s been banned from attending games until October 12. Paschke claims he hit the woman accidentally while he was engaged in the trashy bridge and tunnel tradition of scrapping with some random townie Pats fans. Paschke apparently does not feel too bad about punching the chick and offered up a few bizarre excuses and retarded rationalizations. He also equated his suspension from MetLife to that of actual NFL players:
“You have football players, like Ray Rice, who beats up his wife for no reason other than a drunken argument — he gets a two-game suspension.”
Ray Rice might be more valuable to his team than the toothless fans who spend their kids school supply money on nosebleed seats and scream racial slurs at him. Besides being a lifelong New York Jets fan, Paschke also kind of stabbed a guy to death and served time. After completing a fan conduct course and apologizing Paschke will be allowed to return to games after his suspension. Being a convicted killer and punching women in the face is not grounds for a lifelong ban, like, say, trying to park in the season ticket holder lot. Be forewarned, if you happen to be a member of ISIS in Syria, you’re going to have to do a one-hour slide show on not blocking people’s views with your Death to America signs before you’ll be allowed to attend any Jets games.
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 6:32 AM
Kendall Jenner let it be widely known that she both paid her tab and tipped generously at a restaurant where she and her buddy racked up a $550 dinner bill. She threw down another $150 as a generous tip because, you know, Kendall Jenner’s middle name is generous. Which means everybody who had ‘whore’ in the middle name pool is out some coin.
Jenner’s clarion call to the world that she pays her restaurant tabs and tips like a rapper come a week after Jenner and Hailey Baldwin were accused of neglecting their N.Y.C. restaurant check and then throwing cash in the street at the waitress who chased after them. An innocent person might normally apologize for any misunderstanding and maybe Tweet out the name of the restaurant and say how awesome the squid ink pasta was. A guilty person might overcompensate by immediately heading out to dinner again with the same friend, paying a large tab, leaving a noteworthy tip, and then having their publicist leak this information to media outlets that exchange journalistic integrity for celebrity access. The rest of her family seems to understand these overt acts admit guilt, which is why you don’t see Kris Jenner showing up to Fred Goldman’s house with a tray of fruit danish offering to help fix the rain gutters.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 6:07 AM
Tori Amos had a rough time coming to grips with turning fifty, and in the process tricked herself into believing a bunch of her own bullshit. Amos said she was worried her performances would suffer as she got older and that she wouldn’t be able to ‘rock’ the people who listen to her on elevators and at Macaroni Grills. Amos came to the realization that musicians should keep playing well into their later years, and that you should not die a little every time you see Mick Jagger dancing around like an antique bobble head with a sock stuffed in his slacks.
“The last year has been a very challenging time for me, going from 49 to 50, for all kinds of reasons. And she [my daughter] was the one who said to me… ‘you have got to promise me that you’re going to get your head around this, because if you don’t get your head around this and you don’t go rock as hard as you did 20 years ago, what is your message to me, mom? You’re telling me that 50 isn’t as powerful as 30.”
When a 30 year old rock star slams back a few lines of coke and participates in an orgy in the clubhouse of Dodger Stadium its endearing. When you’re old enough to be a grandparent its just creepy. It’s good Amos is coming to terms with her age, but lets not pretend people will be shotgunning beers in the parking lot to go ballistic to the tune of a 50 year old lady playing piano. I’ll go ahead and say 30 is better than 50, but I look forward to a geriatric Amos attempting to stage dive off of her Hoveround and chasing backstage tequila shots with Ensure shakes.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 2:22 PM
I don’t want to get too many rainbow painted eggs thrown at my house-car this weekend, but I’m pretty convinced that hot models can swing both ways as a matter of current fashion, while gay men are just born loving belts and cock. This leaves a lot of room for Michelle Rodriguez and her chief lesbian vampire lieutenant Cara Delevingne to roam the earth in search of mortal vagina. And they’re good at it too. Just look at this confident craftsman on board her vessel with a cigarette in her mouth and a big gay conquest plan in her heart.
Not every woman who has an inkling for scissor kissing needs the kind of boot camp Cara provides, but if you’re having doubts in your heart, toot, fucking toot, she’ll be picking your ass up on the Lesbian Polar Express to make you believe. The first gift of Christmas is going to be her legs wrapped around your face. And, no, Missy, that’s not hot cocoa.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
While we’re decades past the era any news outlet is going to wait an entire several days to get an accurate story to report, maybe they could say something like ‘First! But, yeah, we are wrong 89% of the time.’ My crappy reporting is more accurate than cable TV news outlets and I don’t even try. Really, I don’t try at all.
Video surveillance released today shows the dead Ferguson teen, Michael Brown, described by friends and family as made of 100% warm and fuzzy and on his way to college, was actually the 6’4, 290 pound dude muscling a tiny convenience store owner in a petty robbery. Darren Wilson, the officer who shot Michael Brown, had no idea that Brown had just robbed a convenience store. Which fills in a nice missing piece for why Brown might have reacted violently to the police officer who was trailing him and telling him to get over to the sidewalk. A convenience store robbery certainly puts your Harvard chances at risk.
None of this has anything to do with asshole cops, racist cops, tanks in the streets, the justice system bias against minorities, civil rights, lady justice, or why the Raiders are allowed to still be an NFL franchise. It’s just another turd on the modern state of journalism. You can’t hold your turds in. You’ll end up like Elvis.