By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 7:22 AM
For all the recent stories about NFL players being abusive hyper-masculine assholes, there are even more stories of professional athletes acting like heartbroken teen girls on social media. Joseph Fauria of the Detroit Lions has become the second football player in a week to go on Twitter and publicly berate his girlfriend for selling herself up to a more successful player:
“Hey @DangeRussWilson enjoy her @ErikaAnnHammond. She had me thinking she was a loyal GF. I almost feel you @BrennanClay24 #SprayTan’”
Fauria’s girlfriend was Erika Hammond, a former WWE diva, which is known as a problematic demo. She apparently ditched him for the chance to fuck Russell Wilson a few times before he gives her a gift card to REI and tells her to be on her way. I’d only call it disloyal if she’s a Niners fan maybe, otherwise this seems fairly sensible in the world of people who fuck pro athletes as a career.
Fauria basically imitating what Brennan Clay did last week shows his lack of creativity. How about something you can call your own? Score a touchdown and make it rain in the front row with some nude selfies your girlfriend sent WIlson. You know she did.. You’re a pro athlete. Stop acting like a junior high chick on her period buzzed on Pinot Grigio. There are plenty of loose women out there. Bang a few of the better looking ones then marry your publicist and listen to her when she tells you to stay off social media because you sound like a big fucking pussy.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 6:29 AM
Paul Rosolie is a self described Naturalist, a term meaning someone who likes to fuck with animals on camera because the pet shop gig didn’t pay so well. Rosolie’s Eaten Alive special on Discovery Sunday night was supposed to feature him being eaten alive by an enormous fucking anaconda to show that anacondas will swallow just about fucking anything., Rosolie designed a special space suit that would allow him to breathe while being swallowed as well as film the experience from the inside out. Most feral river pigs and baby gnus the anacondas usually dine on don’t have the luxury of such a lavish cable TV budget. The show was built up by Discovery for the past six months like Rosolie was going to be swallowed whole and a miraculously living Croc Hunter was going to be spit out the back end.
As you might expect, the actual show failed in every aspect. TMZ is reporting that the snake seen in the footage isn’t even the 25-foot big motherfucking wild anaconda Rosolie promised, but rather a captive anaconda shipping in from some screaming woman’s trailer toilet in Florida. It’s not clear that this smaller stand-in snake even with its retractable jaws could actually swallow Rosolie in his metal containment suit. It proved moot as Rosolie got scared and tapped out like a bitch when the anaconda actually got the naturalist’s head in its mouth and he realized he was frightened to death of snakes.
Calling yourself a naturalist and feeling pretty mighty because the dumb chicks at parties want to touch your shark tooth necklace is the first step on the road to an miserable fail on national TV. It’s unclear how the Discovery Channel paid for a show called Eaten Alive without demanding some proof of concept. I’d at least ask to see that shortest woman in the world from American Horror Story get digested before I’d believe an adult grown male could be had for lunch.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
Last week Lady Gaga went on Howard Stern, quickly ran out of amusing anecdotes and turned the conversation an an anonymous man in the music business who raped her when she was nineteen and just starting out. Mark Geragos is an attorney who represents celebrities of many ilk, whether they are claiming to have been raped or are factually documented rapists themselves, whichever proves to be more lucrative. In this instance he is representing Kesha, who is suing music producer Dr Luke for rape because he may or may not have raped her and also she wants out of her production contract with him. After Gaga went on Stern, Mark Geragos tweeted “Guess who the rapist was?” When someone suggested it was Luke, he responded with “#bingo.”
Clearly Geragos should be disbarred immediately and be given a panelist slot on Chelsea Handler’s supposedly upcoming show so he can spread bitchy rumors without any proof. He definitely has no business doing any lawyering, which is the case with most lawyers who have time to speak with Dr Drew about Amanda Bynes for an hour each morning. Dr. Luke decided to take matters into his own allegedly raping hands and order his lawyers to sue Geragos.
“Fueled by his insatiable desire for attention and malice towards [Luke], Geragos and his law firm have now made the horrific, outrageous and maliciously false assertion that [Luke] raped the world famous musical artist Lady Gaga. This time, Geragos has gone way too far with his arrogant and irresponsible conduct; he has lost all sense of ethics, propriety and decency.”
Good point. Too bad he throws bad ass cocktail parties and people in the legal field love him because they are crusty trolls and he knows celebrities. Anyone with the capability to appropriately ban him from court relishes the opportunity to hit the open bar at his Holiday Event and try to talk to Chris Brown with bad breath. Dr Luke should just join the party. It’s just a completely unfounded rape allegation. It probably gets no more than 5,000 words in Rolling Stone magazine loosely fact checked piece. Nothing to get upset about.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
In a perfect world, attractive women who’ve fled Brazil to the safety of Brentwood would all be forced into yoga in the park to pay their fake Obama fines for not waiting in line for immigration. It would be a soft force as they all pretty much do it instinctually without being instructed. It’s easy to imagine how simple life would be if your daily routine consisted of Soul Cycling and having virgin boys from Polynesia with unusually high Vitamin A counts urinate on your face to cure makeup acne. It’s not the burn, it’s the humbling that gets you.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 1:45 PM
Spin the wheel of naked people covered in fake blood protests and see where it lands. Today was anti-fur in Barcelona. Several of the group’s leaders were actually wearing fur coats themselves, but just because it’s winter and nothing keeps you warm like natural animal pelts. Their followers completely understood.
This whole naked chick protest thing had a good run, but now that dudes are tossing their nut sacks into the mix, it got wholly less interesting. I don’t care how shrill, I’ll pretty much agree to do anything a Tinder average body type naked girl asks of me. But a guy with blood on his shlong begging me to follow his righteous cause is at least two too many hints of rape trap.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
Getting people to appreciate you for your cunning intellect and masonry skills is much harder when you keep taking paychecks to show off your tits. There’s nothing wrong with that particular occupation unless you’re a chick who wears twill cord pants and believe the UVA rape story is more true now after recanting. Or if you’re Kate Upton who in between earning fat cash for bouncing her boobs in a fantasy action video game promo chastises men for treating her like a bouncing pair of boobs in a fantasy action video game promo. I hope for Christmas Santa gives her a sense of irony and even bigger titties.
Photo Credit: Game Of War
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 12:14 PM
Leonardo DiCaprio might be the sole human person at Art Basel in Miami who understands the true purpose of the pretentious event — bang the mustard out of ambitious young models hoping to build entries for their herpetic celebrity scrapbooks. According to a source who meets the New York Daily News standard of being both anonymous and questionable to the point of likely being made up by their own staff, Leonardo DiCaprio ditched a celebrity loaded party in Miami and took all twenty hot chicks in the VIP section with him, presumably to a location just north of his taint. If it’s true, it’s a cocksman power move like none other, especially since that German model he just broke up with was milling around somewhere in the area.
DiCaprio isn’t just plowing the snot out of models in multiples, he’s doing so while drinking himself a nice paunch and growing the bad ponytail and beard combo. This makes him the ultimate man’s man. It’s a fuck you to every restrictive rule ever written. Somewhere on his iPhone is a picture of him with a Double Double in one hand, a cold beer in the other hand, as he spunks so forcefully into the back of a seven girl naked dutch model human centipede that Sophie at the head of the chain spits out his jizz. If God ever sees that photo, he’ll take Leo into heaven and challenge him to a fist fight. No man was meant to fly this close to the sun.
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 11:53 AM
When the answer is Paris Hilton and the question is which Hilton sister got all the charm, you might as well wrist cut your way out of the Jeopardy competition if you’re the other one. There’s an opiated elderly woman in Western China who has barely moved on a porch rocking chair for the past thirty years as her teeth drop into the crusty mound of feces beneath her who’d make better company for a two hour layover than Nicky Hilton. Both speak in short monosyllabic grunts, but if you linger long enough with Old Mrs. Chao, you’ll hear the story about the time Mao and his Red Army rode through the valley and used her like a semen cushion between battles. That beats a Nicky Hilton purse shopping yarn by several leagues.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash