By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 9:34 AM
I can appreciate a woman who stands by her man. At least when she’s not unconscious with an elevator door banging on her cranium so she can do so. Janay Rice came out this morning on Instagram and scolded America for sticking their noses in her and her husband’s personal affairs, not to mention killing his sweet fucking NFL paycheck.
I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass of for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!”
The San Dimas High School football rules shout out at the end is a capper to what could be a truly inspired rant on the media intruding well beyond reason into personal lives of celebrities. I’m pretty damn libertarian when it comes to privacy rights though I draw the line at women or children raped or bleeding. You want to whack your kid’s ass for talking back, good for you and good for society. Your wife wants to stick around while you call her cunty cunt the cunt face all day long while high on juice, that’s just VH-1 television. No harm no foul. But you can’t deck your girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino. How is that remotely a private matter?
Remember when O.J. joked about how many times the cops came to his house to break up a nasty fight between he and Nicole? Yeah, that was funny. Every adult in this country has the Jesus-given right to do shit so stupid it’ll get you killed. You can swerve in between SUVs on your motorcycle on a Los Angeles freeway or bareback prostitutes in Tijuana with herpes sores so swollen and large you can order an Uber to their location. But you don’t have the right to do shit so stupid it’ll get other people killed. Yes, even if they have it coming.
Also, stop ruining the sanctity and wholesomeness of casinos. Some of us have children running unsupervised around there.
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 9:02 AM
I can’t imagine the stage direction to get Taylor Swift to look like she’s about to climax. Maybe they told her to imagine an all-day marathon of Designing Women in her comfiest pajamas while her lame ex-boyfriend learns he has The AIDS from cheating on her. It’s hard to know exactly what can bring Taylor Swift to the height of ecstasy but the suffering of others has to be a key component.
Some MBA at the record label crunched some numbers recently and determined that Taylor’s competition for new dollars is her overly-sexualized skeevy pop star counterparts. So she’s putting together a pro forma album full of high energy crap for tweens and letting herself be filmed in a wet t-shirt in Rolling Stone. When Miley Cyrus got her Rolling Stone feature she tattooed Rolling $tone on the soles of her feet and then fucked a powered-up inking needle so deep that her future baby will be able to see the word ‘Bangerz’ in their gestational hold.
Taylor Swift couldn’t pull the trigger on anything so decidedly rock and roll, but she did give Rolling Stone some raspberry scones and an inanely boring tour of her new $5 million apartment. It’s clear from this article that Taylor Swift is either the most insipidly uninteresting rich woman in the entire world, or she’s hiding something really dark and mysterious. Like Bruce Wayne or Patrick Bateman, with a heavy lean toward the obsessive compulsive serial killer. It’s probably not right to dislike somebody for just being themselves, but if it ever becomes acceptable, I’d start with Taylor Swift.
Photo Credit: Rolling Stone
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 8:38 AM
Even though Lea Michele hasn’t show a particular skill at the acting craft, she’s famous enough that she got a guest starring role on the final season of Sons of Anarchy. I watch Sons of Anarchy because I like to see people of all races and colors being gunned down on the highways. It makes me feel post-racial. As with all media opportunities, at the premiere event Lea made sure to mention her dead boyfriend, not take questions about her current male prostitute boyfriend, and incessantly pursed her lips while trying to show off her tits which almost fell out of her top. I’ll give Lea this, she understands the game. If I find out she’s cackling and counting her gold when the cameras are off, I’d actually respect her more than if she kept up the whiny ingenue persona. I can respect crass honesty, but the latter requires a few elevator rides with a ticked off Ray Rice.
Photo Credit: Instagram, Getty
By Matt September 09, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Tish Cyrus gets asked a lot about being the mom of America’s favorite acting out child. When your kid is flashing her cooch at school to the boys for a dollar, everybody just talks about what a horrible mom you are behind your back. When she does it in sold out arenas for millions, they ask you quite openly about your feelings while kissing your ass. And Tish has her likable, canned response ready to go:
“You know, I joke about it from being Billy Cyrus wife to Miley Cyrus’ mom, but no, not really. I am proud of her — she is my child.
Every Saturday morning when we are making breakfast, we twerk in the kitchen. It is so much fun.”
If by Saturday morning, Tish means 4pm when she tosses a bucket of cold water on Miley and the androgynous salvia dealer wrapped around her daughter’s feet, that could be breakfast. She could be more forceful about imposing discipline but Miley is an adult now, not to mention paying everybody’s rent and tooth whitening money. It’s amazing how the mother daughter dynamic changes once you’ve sold your offspring in the molestation bazaar that is young Hollywood. You can’t really ever take that back, except in folksy stories your publicist whispers in your painted ear before interviews.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 3:39 PM
It’s unfathomable that the Kardashians were not touched by the celebrity photo hacker scandal last week. That is until you learn of the proprietary storage cloud Kris Jenner had designed by North Korean scientists. Curiously, all the scientists were lost at sea while returning home after completing the cock-shaped private storage farm for all Kardashian and Jenner dildo plunging selfies. The entrance to the data center is a subterranean stairwell that opens up underneath Khloe’s food bowl, making it both virtually impenetrable as well as physically. You’d have a simpler time maneuvering the three-headed hound at the river Styx.
Even more unfathomable is the idea there’s going to be naked photos of celebrity blowing up on the web without the Kardashians being included. Kardashians are drawn to publicity like prostitute moths to red light districts. Kim went out and got her nude modeling shots published in GQ. Kendall had nude photos taken by celebrity photographer Russell James for an upcoming photo book that Kourtney Kardashian teased on Twitter yesterday.
Ego-maniacal Kardashian shit just doesn’t happen by wishing upon an aborted fetus. It used to, until they started running out of fetuses because Kris flipped the abacus and determined living babies were now lucrative. Planning, preparation, and a solid whoring instinct. If you could replicate that, there’d be more families pulling in $60 million a year off tits and squeaky voices.
By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 3:06 PM
Ray Rice suspended indefinitely and cut from the Ravens. Fuck, things move fast in the world of NFL knee jerk responses to media pressure.
Anybody who imagines the NFL as an office full of jocks drinking brews and having yucks has no idea of the corporate nature of the multi-billion dollar business. It’s a serious enterprise filled with serious people and large legal teams enforcing many rules. When the NFL investigates misconduct, it’s not Jim Otto hobbling around in a Columbo coat asking a couple questions before a long afternoon nap. It’s a team of well-paid investigators and attorneys digging deep for any and all information, mostly to cover the asses of this lucrative big business.
The NFL claims before today they didn’t see the inside-the-elevator videotape of Ray Rice punching his fiancee into the land of romantic wedding dreams. Peter King of SI wrote that people in the NFL office did. It doesn’t matter. The NFL knew Ray Rice punched his girlfriend in the face and knocked her out and then dragged her halfway out of an elevator at an Atlantic City casino. The entire world saw that before Ray Rice was given a paltry two game suspension by Commissioner Roger Goodell and not sanctioned at all by his own team. Hours after the actual punching video is leaked by the vaunted TMZ Sports canard, Ray Rice is suspended indefinitely by the NFL and released by the Ravens. Even though not a single fact in the case changed.
In July, the NFL made the wrong decision for the right reason. Now they’re making the right decision for the wrong reason. I’m not sure what it is about professional sports league offices that cause them to take binders full of solid evidence and adjudicate matters with the twisted logic of a teen girl on her first menstrual cycle.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt September 08, 2014 @ 2:34 PM
Before singing the National Anthem at the NFL’s season opener in Seattle, Adriana Grande posted some photos of her tight ass with the caption “Grande yet so petite.” It’s hard to brag about your own ass and not come off as a self involved twat. Grande proves this pretty solid rule of thumb. Rest assured we have all scoped it out and made our personal assessment. It has achieved something between “Not Bad” and inaudible remarks while jizzing in pants.
Ariana spent most of last week chiding people that the hacked photos of a red headed girl baring her ass were not her. It’s confusing in this day and age when a good percentage of your appeal as a music artist is defined entirely by your ass. Ass has replaced vocal chords, and perhaps even titties, as the primary critical success factor in a pop music career. You Tweet it, write songs about it, let rappers spank it, claim it, if Ariana could’ve farted the Star Spangled Banner out of her rectum, she wouldn’t have gone ass-first in Seattle. Then there’d be a huge controversy about her ass. And she’d be set for life.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 2:11 PM
Overbites on girls kind of kill me. There’s something very arousing about a woman with a set of grinders like her parents just didn’t have orthodontic insurance. Some women have turned their non-traditional grills into iconic model smiles, but most do just end up being labeled crack whores the minute they get fucked up at a party and pass out in the high back chair. Lauren Stoner used to bang Michael Bay, so she’s fortunate that the harsh jokes won’t hit the topic of her teeth before her friends drag her home.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News