Jerry Depardieu Loves Him Some Vino

By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

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Long seen as a fat drunken louse with a snotty accent, Gerard Depardieu is fighting back his soused mall Santa rep by glorifying his gluttony rather than defending it. Depardieu now brags that he drinks up to fourteen bottles of wine per day, along with some cocktails to break up the routine, and he rarely gets past the point of a being buzzed.

In the morning, it starts at home with champagne or red wine before 10am, then again champagne. Then food, accompanied by two bottles of wine.In the afternoon, champagne, beer and more pastis at around 5pm, to finish off the bottle. Later on, vodka and/or whisky. But I’m never totally drunk, just a little pissed

Depardieu’s track record of DUI, arrest for pissing in the aisle of a plane, looking like Louie Anderson’s less healthy brother, and requiring a quintuple bypass surgery might suggest he lacks self-awareness. Also, making two decent movies out of sixty-five tries is a pretty poor record even for the French. I don’t believe it’s even possible to drink fourteen bottles of water, let alone wine in a day. That’s 360 ounces or 45 cups if you’ve got a calculator like I do. It’s also about 9,000 calories which would quickly push you past just morbid obesity and into dead territory quickly. I think Jerry’s trying to translate his plain old tubby alcoholism into some legend of El Borracho romance.

It’s only a matter of time before two teen lovebirds discover Depardieu blue and cold beneath a collapsed child’s playground swing set in the park. For cause of death the coroner can write, just a little pissed, then we can all have a good knowing chuckle.

Photo credit: Splash News

Miley Cyrus Ass Disses Mexico (VIDEO)

By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

Miley Cyrus celebrated Mexican Independence Day by having her ass repeatedly slapped with a Mexican flag, while in Mexico. As Miley was bending over and twerking with her drop dead hilarious oversized fake ass, one of her token locally hired day laborer male backup dancers whipped her ass with the symbol of Mexico’s national pride, such as it is. Now Mexican lawmakers are threatening to fine her $1,200 dollars or have her detained for 36 hours because they don’t understand currency exchange.

Unlike your average Mexican citizen, American pop stars will gladly produce ten years of your salary in order to avoid disappearing under your custody. No word on the guy doing the whipping, but the overwhelming odds are he lacks cash or even basic toiletries so extracting money is a lost cause. He’ll probably be put in irons and forced to work the Ensenada parasailing booths. I don’t see how Cyrus can go lower in her repeated failed attempts at provoking reaction. Maybe shitting on Ground Zero or face humping the Lincoln Memorial would garner a few headlines. It’s not really punk if your Beverly Hills media firms plans it out on paper first. But it is pretty fucking lucrative.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Thailand’s Prime Minister Seems Wise

By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

Chan

Thailand’s Prime Minister Prayuth Chan Ocha responded to the brutal murder of two tourists with a garden hoe by suggesting they brought it on themselves because the chick was wearing a bikini. He went on to discourage tourists from galavanting around with bikinis and clean drinking water unless they are ugly, thereby making them carefree of murder or attention of any kind:

“There are always problems with tourist safety… They think our country is beautiful and is safe so they can do whatever they want, they can wear bikinis and walk everywhere… Can they be safe in bikinis … unless they are not beautiful?”

I know every culture is uniquely beautiful, but I must call bullshit on this long held Thai tradition of murdering hot chicks with garden. Chan won his position via military coup and in turn scrubbed his predecessor from history books and instituted a loyalty test to his regime in Thai elementary schools. He is a nut job lunatic who fucks his wife with the lights out and clearly has issues with Western liberties, yet only when expressed by hot chicks. A size 12 could bum rush his office and twerk on his desk with nipple clamps and he would just shake his head in pity of the less fortunate before heading to a local resort and having the chick with double D’s deported because he felt like sucking on them. I think this culture may have issues with grown women and dick size.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Cher Likes Her Black People in Limited Numbers

By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 7:37 AM

CHER

Cher is being sued by former choreographer Kevin Wilson who claims she refused to hire some black backup dancers because she wanted a racially diverse group and too many black dudes were earning all the spots. It’s like reverse reverse reverse discrimination, at which point the Discrimination gets dizzy from spinning around and careens off into pointless lawsuits and vegan pea snaps.

Wilson’s lawsuit also claims one of Cher’s male dancers was involved in a sexual assault and Wilson and two others were fired because they wanted to bring it to the attention of the authorities. This accusation should be laughed out of court as it alleges one of the tools dancing with Cher in mascara and a Cleopatra getup is into chicks. Wilson is seeking untold damages, although he’d settle for having Cher’s name dragged through the mud as a moral victory for putting up with a the tour bus stories about how great Chastity looks now with a gut and a dick.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Peyton Manning’s A Munchie’s Genius

By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 6:55 AM

Peyton Manning suggested his twenty-one Colorado Papa John’s restaurants are pulling in a ton of dough because weed is legal in in the state now and pot heads can’t resist super shitty pizza places that deliver and take coupons. Manning bought the franchises two weeks before Colorado legalized recreational marijuana. Manning threw in a wink to the pot culture because he was wearing his bad boy underpants:

“I’ve gotten to know some of the folks here in Colorado… There’s some different laws out here in Colorado. Pizza business is pretty good out here, believe it or not, due to some recent law changes. So when you come to a different place, you’ve kind of got to learn everything that comes with it.”

Someone should tell Manning that Colorado also legalized use of the word weed so he doesn’t need to use a ton of euphemisms. This guy probably still hems and haws when suggesting a blow job. I find his inference that all users of marijuana are lovable washouts who stuff their face with five dollar pizzas rather offensive not to mention right on point. Just like on the field. He read the defense, saw 500,000 dudes in hemp pullovers smiling wryly and rubbing their bellies and bought up two dozen pizza outlets in their delivery zone. He’s probably making more money off weed in Colorado than most of the pot outlets and his hands are completely Southern Boy clean. Fucking genius.

Little Monstar Gets Roid Ragey

By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 6:29 AM

Monstar

Dani Reardon is known in internet circles at Little Monstar, and worshiped by a contingent of men who like chicks with huge guns and well defined abs and delts. This sexual preference is often abbreviated as gay.  Reardon kicked the shit out of her boyfriend, uprooted a bunch of plants, cracked the windshield of a truck by hand, and was then put into a patrol car where she repeatedly bashed her head into the cage in the back seat. Reardon was apparently drunk, which can happen quickly when you survive on syringes full of Captain America serum and powdered eggs and throw back a fifth of Scotch because its low in carbs. It’s likely whatever Reardon is doing to juice her pythons is enlarging her frontal lobes and unleashing a violent beast on the Florida outback. I recommend you think twice before dating any chick with hands the size of pomelos, and if you are sexually curious just have a go at Neil Patrick Harris. He’s a funny guy with great stories about the Emmy’s as opposed to that time he added gravel to his oatmea and then spent nine hours lifting at Gold’s.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Models Are Mean To Kendall Jenner And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 18, 2014 @ 5:01 PM

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Kendell Jenner is whining that she was bullied and treated like shit by the models at New York’s fashion week. Could it be that they resent a girl who volunteered to blow creepy older men to get her gigs rather than being forced to? Could be.

Read all about poor Jenner’s rich bitch problems. (The Superficial)

Anastasia Ashley in a bikini for Galore magazine is highly fappable.(Drunken Stepfather)

I would like to squeeze Chelsea Heath’s booty. Please.(Hollywood Tuna)

Samantha Basalari is much hotter than your girlfriend.(Popoholic)

Mayim Bialik hates Ariana Grande because she’s hotter than Mayin Bialik.(Huffington Post)

Fanny Nequesha left her soccer douche man to wear bikinis for you.(COED)

JJ Abrams releases a Star Wars/Batman easter egg and the Internet creams its pants.(Movie Pilot)

Cara Delevingne In A Bikini

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 2:03 PM

Cara Delevingne Poses In A Bikini For John Hardy
This chick is really starting to grow on me. Even her Grandpa Munster eyebrows that once repulsed me are now starting to look like solid points of focus when trying to last longer. I don’t know if it’s because she’s now tasted the essence of several leading ladies or the fact that I looked her up and she comes from money, but I’d probably let her be my abusively obnoxious girlfriend for a while. I’m feeling heroic.

Photo Credit: John Hardy