TLC has finally cancelled 19 Kids and Counting before the total of molestation victims reaches 19 kids and counting. TLC was waiting to see if the whole thing would sort itself out, much like the Duggar family did instead of reporting their son to the proper authorities. Jesus didn’t even care. In order to clear their name and appease their guilt, TLC will run a one hour commercial documentary about the dangers of sexual abuse, likely sandwiched between reruns of the Duggar show and Honey Boo Boo which will feature plenty of Zoloft commercials to take your mind off your uncle. TLC producers are probably out scouring garbage dumps and sex dungeons to find appropriate subjects for their next series. Meanwhile the Duggars are busy multiplying like maggots and more than likely teaching their exploding population of followers that tattling on your sex offender neighbor makes you a Judas. With any luck TLC’s producers will be murdered by their next cult subjects and the FBI will accidentally blow up the Duggar’s house in retaliation. The show was on ten years and nobody ever saw it. Try and write something, assholes.
Neil Young has been making waves lately, leaving his wife of 36 years to pork Darryl Hannah because organic YOLO. It’s something you’ve always wanted to do, let the lawyers figure it out. I might make a run at Jolie when she’s nearing eighty and I’m still legally allowed behind the wheel of my Porsche. His wife should have let it slide. Be grateful anyone wants his rock star dick at this age. We’re way past being polite.
Young recently pulled his music from streaming audio services such as Spotify and iTunes because he says the quality sucks. This has nothing to do with Young being the owner of the Pono player, which retails for $399 and will be immediately stolen. It doesn’t compress music into mp3 form so you’re able to go blow your eardrums out on the treadmill. Sure I could tote a Studebaker turntable around with me in the name of purity. I’ve seen the hipsters at Starbucks. If you’re bumping Justin Bieber do you really want high quality? I’d be happy if the shit they played in bars was compressed into two ones and a zero and blasted out of a fucking body pillow. It sucks. You’ve got to admire Young’s integrity or his business acumen. They’re one in the same now days. The damage done.
Comedian Alison Stevenson doesn’t like to parse words. She’s a bit larger than your average chick and for once she’s willing to call a spade a spade:
“I mentioned this to a guy recently, after he called me “curvy” in bed. “Just call me fat,” I said to him. “I don’t mind—it’s what I am.””
Stevenson likes to get it on with guys, and has found plenty of guys willing to get it on with a meaty chick. It’s basic economic theory. She doesn’t feel bad about being on the heavy side and theorizes that most dudes want thinner women because the media has conditioned dudes to like them and dudes just want to get chicks which will impress other guys. Classic chick reasoning. If you liked putting your dick in a watermelon you’d tell your friends about it. Dudes are more like the Energizer Bunny than Marshal McLuhan. They like to get drunk and break things. Sometimes they’ll find themselves in a chubby woman’s bed, and Stevenson wants you to know that’s okay. When’s closing time this chick has a point.
We hit the tenth episode of the Last Men on Earth podcast. I was kind of expecting a call from Obama. He’s probably still pissed about my erotic fan fiction art involving Michelle. Make me eat the healthy lunch option, you naughty bitch.
This week’s episode answers the question, why is Serena Williams bench pressing my Subaru and how many Mexicans prison officials does it take to screw in a light bulb. Tune in, wise up.
Thanks to our sponsors at ThePornDude.com who know how to turn boys into men and men into liars about their browser history. It’s nobody’s business but your own, you sad animal sex fucker.
I don’t know why it’s such a thrill to see Johnny Depp’s ex-wife topless. Maybe because he never did. Zing! I’ll be here all week. Try the Cosby cocktail. No, I don’t know why Camille is trying to get you to sign some papers.
Lesbian beards for young women doesn’t even merit its own Craigslist STD adventure category. There isn’t much demand beyond female public relations execs who don’t want to be shunned for bringing a hetero to their Oberlin reunion. Young models have filled the role of fake girlfriends since the dawn of secretly gay time. Models innately offer uncomplicated smiles when anybody brings up pointed questions about their sex lives. Miley Cyrus has been posting photos of herself nibbling on pastries with Stella Maxwell as the universal sign of, I don’t care for labels, but if you must, I’m a polyamorous gender expansive bisexual with an LGBT tattoo trending on Instagram. When you deny kids high school, they’re just going to save up their stupid shit for later in life.
No matter how badly a teenager asks you to stare at her tits, it’s probably not a good idea. Turn away from the promotional tag they’re placing on their bodies and teach a young immigrant child how to read or murder the hobo in the alley because nobody will notice. Bella Thorne knows exactly what she’s doing. Don’t hate the player, don’t even hate the game, hate that fucker over your shoulder who calls you a creep for checking out her pushed up self-shot teenaged boobs. It’s all about the music. That’s the lie I’d go with.