By Lex January 29, 2016 @ 7:54 AM
Kourtney Kardashian is often described as the chaste Kardashian sister. Quite a feat when you’ve had three kids out of wedlock and you’ve never owned a bra. That used to get you dunked to see if you were a witch. Now you get skin care companies paying to be the brand you use to excessively moisturize your chest in public. There will be a dozen new Kardashians in the coming generation. Cue System of a Down. We’re going to need more Armenian genocide songs.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex January 29, 2016 @ 6:31 AM
Paul Allen’s big ass yacht tore up a bigger than usual fender bender hole in the side of a protected coral reef preserve off of the Cayman Islands. Somebody forget to pull up the anchor and tore up 14,000 square feet of coral. I have no basis for coral measurement, but that just sounds like a fuck ton of coral. You’ve got to hate when your deck boy Randy forgets to crank in the anchor chain as your football field length yacht is racing to get you to your offshore bank before closing. This could be just another case of a rich asshole destroying the planet with his big ass toys, but this happens to be a rich asshole who runs a charitable conservancy to protect endangered coral reefs around the world. Allen’s Ocean Challenge charity pays out $10,000 awards to scientists who propose ways to protect the ocean’s coral reefs. Um, here’s one. Don’t drag your fucking anchor through the reef like you’re trying to teach it a lesson.
It’s easy to decry environmentalist billionaires who think everybody needs to reduce their carbon footprint while taking their corporate jet to Mickey D’s for a late night 20-piece and honey mustard. But it’s just human nature to want to make a shit ton of rules for other people while you’re banging models with DiCaprio in the back of his running SUV. You can never change this paradigm. Rich people get away with a lot. That’s why you want to be rich. The coral can take some comfort in knowing Paul Allen’s Seahawks are out of the playoffs and their quarterback is gay. Fucking bigoted ass coral.
Photo credit: PortFever/YouTube
By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 1:09 PM
Martin Shkreli is working that fine line between anti-establishment rabble rouser and narcissistic asshole. It’s super fine and nearly indistinguishable. Shkreli is out on bail from securities fraud following his Boris Badenov idea to buy a vital The AIDS pharmaceutical and jack up the cost to where nobody with the disease could afford it. That’s like opening a steakhouse in Mumbai. And fucking all the cows in the ass before you butcher them before the startled customers. Then shitting on their carcasses and freestlying raps about Hindus wolfing down White Castle. Only worse.
Shkreli also bought the one and only gold boxed recording of the Wu Tang Clan’s last idiotically marketed album for two million and declared he would keep it all to himself or maybe let terminal AIDS patients listen to just a single track, for the titles to their homes post-mortem. Wu Tang’s Ghostface Killah called Shkreli a bunch of names which got Shkreli to find three black dudes and put them in masks and make a rap feud video laced with threats and a drunk white guy homaging Christian Slater from that week in his teens when he made good movies.
This is the age we live in. Everybody is a reality star. There may never be a thing worse than a Millennial with free time and money. The AIDS was less funny when it wasn’t curable. So was Shkreli.
By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 12:22 PM
Maitland Ward is an example of a TV actress now grown past hiring age realizing they can still make money teasing their tubes on social media and attending niche live events. This is part of that New Economy people have been writing about for twenty years and which I just assumed meant online porn and it basically does. TV actresses termed out at thirty used to have to go to Romania to film fetish porn to supplement their residual income. Now it’s Comic-Con and online magazines for drone enthusiasts. If you want to smell like unfiltered Camels and radishes, it’s now your choice. Thank Al Gore. He alone understood the need for guys married to fat chicks to have a place where they could be happy into their middle years. Between that an global warming he’s batting .500. Not too shabby.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Snapchat
By Michael January 28, 2016 @ 12:00 PM
Toy maker Mattel has redesigned their iconic Barbie doll to come in regular and fat. This is so little girls don’t puke up every meal or whatever. I hope Ken is a chubby chaser. I’m just kidding. Ken is gayer than Elton John’s cockring.
I kind of like new Barbie but I prefer women her don’t run so fast. (TMZ)
Heidi Klum models her line of sexy old lady panties. (Last Men On Earth)
Liziane Gutierrez is buck ass naked in a waterfall. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Girls with big boobs are my favorites. (Radass)
These lazy girls are truly hot. (The Chive)
I would make dirty, dirty love to Hannah Davis. (Busted Coverage)
Tennis star Victoria Azaernka’s hottest pics on Instagram. (COED)
By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 10:42 AM
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what to do with a bunch of wealthy white progressives in Hollywood desperately concerned about being perceived as racists. Rake them over the coals for cold hard White Privilege cash. Black TV actor Nate Parker got some dough from some NBA ballers to make a film about the Nat Turner slave rebellion in the early 1800′s. Birth of a Nation he called it to in the very least remind everybody of the D.W. Griffith spectacularly racist epic of a hundred years ago. Pitch perfect. You couldn’t pick a better #OscarsSoWhite era film topic if you tried.
The film screened at Sundance and immediately following Parker and the film producers held fucking court as every guilt ridden Whitey in Hollywood came begging them to buy the distribution rights to the guaranteed Oscar’s 2017 black film. Fox Searchlight eventually won the bidding war with $17 million in advance, a record for any film festival purchase in the world, ever. This shit wasn’t hard to figure out. Easy money tastes just as sweet.
Photo credit: Birth of a Nation
By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 10:10 AM
Charlotte McKinney became a household name in masturbation fantasy a year ago in a Super Bowl ad. No more Target shopping. This is Barney’s. A t-shirt cost you eighty bucks and there’s a still an Indonesian kid crying on the other end. If you only knew the amazing tits that were going into that tee, Syifa. Get some fucking Bandaids.
McKinney hates being called the next Kate Upton because she works harder than Kate Upton, complains less, and doesn’t need a team of Caltech students with parabolic mirrors to surround her at precisely plotted intervals to make her look not fat. Kate Upton has the first mover advantage but in America we don’t care about how you started, only how you finished. Buy stock in Charlotte McKinney. French Fucking isn’t cyclical.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 8:21 AM
When something shitty happens, we smear that shit into some kind of welcome sign for Latin American mosquito borne illnesses. Why delay the inevitable?
This week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast had a sit-in from comedian Pete Giovine who has enormous fucking teeth and a solid understanding of why women can’t really understand football and why Hollywood chicks in their 40′s are racing to get themselves a black baby. We also discuss why two straight dudes soaping each other in the shower does surprisingly little for gay acceptance and how double standards in student-teacher sex scandals are a necessity. It’s all fucking there in sixty minutes of discussion you won’t hear on any college campus.
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