Jamie Foxx Porking Katie Holmes And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 18, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Rumors are flying that Jamie Foxx has been slipping it to Katie Holmes. It makes sense. Short and troubled might just be her type. Foxx has an Oscar so he probably gets the ass. I think that’s Hollywood law.

Read all about their boring love affair. (Huffington Post)

Go on and give your undies a tug, you tease. (The Chive)

Kylie Jenner is dumb as shit but I would still tap that. (TMZ)

Heather Carr shows off her naked, sandy butt for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)

Tatiana Eriksen uses her bare titties to sell pricey water. (Egotastic)

Charlotte McKinney’s got some big ‘ol guns, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

That Marky Mark gets to fuck Rhea Durham is reason number 1345 why I hate him. (Popoholic)

Naked Chef Jenn Gets It In the Kitchen (VIDEO)

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 11:40 AM

Eventually, all visual media whittles down to the ability to see naked chicks doing stuff. Maybe this will change if we ever get girls to start pursuing engineering degrees like they pretend to do in the college promos run during NCAA sporting events. This chick in Argentina gets the basic principle. She started filming videos of herself in the kitchen barely covering her titties and she got eight billion views. Most of the world doesn’t understand what she’s saying. Nobody cares. Look at those avocados. I want to marry her off to my cousin then sleep with her behind his back. That fucker owes me money. She owes me nothing, yet she’s giving so much. Life is easy when you’re good looking and your breasts are what’s for dinner.

Barbie Gets the Demon Bumps

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Paris  Hilton Pretends To Be A Barbie For Odda Magazine
Somebody had the ingenius idea of posing Paris Hilton as a sexualized Barbie Doll. I’m going to guess it wasn’t the makers of Barbie. Their sales are tanking, but they still want to go to heaven. Young girls who used to be stuck in sexist cliches like shopper and homemaker and stewardess can now envision themselves as lazy-eyed party girls who cozy up to the boys with the good cocaine. Barbie has always been about expanding the potential of womanhood in the minds of young girls. Pubic hairs on the pillow seem like the natural next step.

Photo Credit: Odda Magazine

Azealia Banks Not Fond of Whitey

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:29 AM

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Playboy seems an odd venue for a wildly racist rant, especially when there are no titty pictures to read. Stridently super black rapper Azealia Banks went on a tirade against fat white people, slender white people, white school teachers, white singers, black singers trying to be white, and Ikea for making furniture that looks so awesome in their showroom but super tired a week after you install it in your apartment.

I hate everything about this country. Like, I hate fat white Americans. All the people who are crunched into the middle of America, the real fat and meat of America, are these racist conservative white people who live on their farms. Those little teenage girls who work at Kmart and have a racist grandma—that’s really America.”

Banks proudly describes her second grade white bitch devil diaries where she cursed out all the white teachers and how proud her mom was when she found them. Banks detests how biased and white and Christian text books are in the public schools because she’s clearly not perused a public school textbook anytime in the past thirty years. Naturally, she wants reparations from her white girl fans:

Why do you want reparations for work you didn’t do?” Well, you got handed down your grandfather’s estate and you got to keep your grandmother’s diamonds and pearls and shit.

How about instead of cash we just give you a recording contract and a spread in Playboy. My grandfather’s estate consisted mostly of unpaid parking tickets and poorly aged exotic dancers who claimed to have been promised his cigarette lighter. I’d take the music money.

Banks went on to line up black music artists and declare who was a sell-out and who lived up to her purity standard. Kanye sell-out. Pharrell and Kendrick Lamar, sell outs. Jay Z, still a black brother in good standing. It’s unfortunate that Banks is using her new found fame to seek to divide us rather than unite us. It’s even more unfortunate she has new found fame. Angry dumb people aren’t supposed to get this far.

Selena Gomez Took It On the Chin

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:03 AM

Selena Gomez Braless Instagram
According to Hollywood Life, which somehow always receives the best completely anonymous sources, Selena Gomez is begging her new effeminate boyfriend not to watch the Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast because of all the nasty sex jokes made at her expense. Zedd, as he’s known in circle jerk parlance, has vowed to honor his lady’s request and support her one-hundred percent. That seems aggressive, but practical. Her vagina alone makes him somewhat queasy. Jokes about her snatch will only send him back to reprogramming camp for another extended session.

Among the other shitty features of the highly staged Comedy Central ratings whoring was the repeated belittling of Selena Gomez who wasn’t even present to defend herself with professionally written comebacks. That’s just poor roast form. Losing your virginity to Justin Bieber ought to be punishment enough for one lifetime. If Charles Manson were fucked by Bieber, I’d petition to let him free too. I stand with Selena. And Zedd. Though slightly closer to Selena in case anybody’s taking incriminating pictures.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Nick Cannon Seems Fortunate

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

Nick-Cannon-DJ

It’s unclear what Nick Cannon does well outside of boning the right women. That might just be enough in this age of gender equality. Nick Cannon is currently nailing Jessica White, the SI model with nice yabbos. Cannon has publicly denied he’s seeing anybody, because his suitcase full of Mariah Carey divorce cash has yet to be delivered. Also, he’s super busy:

I’m not dating anyone . . . I don’t have time . . . I’m trying to focus on being the best father I can possibly be, and business, we have so many things, from the book to my philanthropic efforts to all the shows and movies I’m producing.

I suppose by ‘we’ he means himself and somebody who’s actually doing those other things. Nick Cannon seems to mostly DJ and bang chicks way above his natural rank. You can’t blame a man tapped with the lucky stick for taking full advantage of his situation. It’d be admirable if he’d just lose the mustache. That’s just gloating.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Bullet Magazine

Dolce And Gabbana Pro Gang Bang

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 8:09 AM

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Still reeling from their anti in-vitro proclamation, Dolce and Gabbana are facing criticism from people who think their new billboard is promoting gang bangs. The ad shows a gay guy looking at a chick like she’s a ceiling fan while three other dudes stand around and fantasize about shopping. Fashion publicist Kelly Cutrone was among the loudest voice of those to make the presumptuous leap that this was a simulated gang bang:

“I literally was in shock. I thought, ‘Holy fuck, these guys are crazy. These guys are against IVF, but they are for gang bangs.”

Kelly obviously skipped computer class so let me help her. Those dudes are copy and pasted. I’m not sure D&G is promoting gang bangs so much as trying to stuff theirs ads with as much sausage as possible. People do sometimes enjoy gang bangs. It’s not for me because I’d rather see an open jar marked Ebola than another dude’s dick when I’m getting it on with a lady. Plus I can’t fuck right in high tops.

The fashion industry is rife with ads featuring androgynous folks dry humping each other or smacking each other with saddle gear. I’m not judging them. Nor am I disapproving of the chick who likes getting railed on the pool table at frat parties. Maybe it’s not for you, but if it’s happening enough that you get the reference we might chalk it up to human behavior. Of course feminists are only accepting of the things they’re into and everyone else is an offender. Look for D&G’s next ad to feature two chicks spooning in a cabin while hand feeding each other Activia. The list of acceptable practices is getting smaller by the minute.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Photographer Bastardizes Porn Stars

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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Photographer Roger Kisby has a new series called “Head” in which he rounded up a bunch of porn stars and took yearbook photos of them while cropping out their nipples because he’s an art school twat who dry humps the futon. The result is a boring click through of enough sevens to bring down Vegas. Kisby explained his ingenious approach to ruining things:

“That was kind of challenge, how to shoot them in a way that not necessarily hasn’t been done before… These are people who are photographed constantly. How do I make something a little more genuine and authentic?”

You don’t. You provide them a goody bag of pills and hundreds and watch them jizz all over each other. I don’t need to see a chick’s headshot if I can easily find an HD video of her pounding her puss with a Louisville. Pandering to porn stars isn’t going to get you in their britches, Kisby. People who watch porn don’t care about this. Neither do people who don’t. That leaves you and the guy who jacks off with oven mitts. Did you hear that ring? It’s the Sears Portrait Studio. Answer it.

Photo Credit: RogerKisby.com