Tiger Woods Cheated, Fuck No

By Lex May 13, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

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According to an anonymous ‘friend’ of Tiger Woods, the reason Lindsey Vonn and Woods ended their two year courtship was because Tiger fell back into his old habit of banging hookers super messy after a tough day on the course.

Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.’

If the rim of your high-ball was lathered in scabies and you still kept shoving your dick into it, this analogy would make more sense. Tiger had this same post-links ritual while married to Elin Nordegren, deploying his needy cock somewhere between twenty and two hundred times depending on if you believe divorce court records or the long line of working girls in New York and Vegas who all claimed to have fucked him. The same source also notes Vonn was growing increasingly tired of Tiger Woods being a self-centered, insanely boring asshole, though she could’ve lived with that if he’d just not been dancing with The AIDS. Apparently, the dating market for hot blonde Olympic skiers has plummeted since last I checked. The couple officially split last week citing hectic schedules as the cause. Everybody assumed that to mean Tiger was balling escorts again so I’d hardly call it a lie.

I think there’s a lesson in here somewhere for young women about dating dudes with nasty prostitute sex addictions who travel the world accompanied only by men whose sole job it is to arrange the hookers in the hotel rooms.  I’ll get back to you when I figure it out. In the meantime, I hear Tiger Woods is single again, though I hear a bit boring.

Photo credit: Getty Images

P Diddy Doing It Right

By Matt May 13, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

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Sean Combs has six children with three different women yet has never married, solidifying his status as a role model for deadbeat dads who don’t understand he’s paying for private school and there’s more to life than the Elephant Bar. Combs newest girlfriend is a model he met while casting his latest fragrance ad which worked out well because he didn’t have to leave the building. Just print your test results on the back of your head shot and make sure they’re two weeks current. Combs explains that he’s not yet ready for the commitment of marriage unlike having six children which requires cancelling a few orgies when the water breaks:

“I don’t want to be going to courts and having somebody be like interfere in my relationships… I will give a contract. I will commit to a contract. A love contract.”

That’s when you get slapped in the face if your body guards aren’t within earshot. Included in Combs’ Love Contract is a non-disclosure agreement and a DNA testing kit. You’re going to need it. Turns out the both of you will fuck anything with a foreign accent. There’s plenty of young chicks and straight dudes out there. Keep a copy in your clutch and a tablet under your tongue. Just say it’s yours.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Erin Andrews Emotionally Broken

By Matt May 13, 2015 @ 7:35 AM

ANDREWS

Erin Andrews appeared repulsed when double amputee and war veteran Noah Galloway proposed to his girlfriend on Dancing With The Stars. It sucks when you’re upstaged by the stars of the pretend reality show you’re hosting. It was always super annoying when Tom Brady threw those touchdown passes which really distracted from your brilliant four second quips. Nice tits though. After everyone watching the show started booing Andrews she took to Twitter to clarify she was trying not to cry and actually has human emotions:

“uhhhhh it’s called an oh great I’m going to bawl on camera… ugly cry face alert”

I’ve seen a lot of chicks crying. Mainly in amusement park concession areas but occasionally while overdressed on my couch if they have been feeling not pretty. As a professional broadcaster Andrews should be able to do better. She can’t, but she should be able to. The jury’s out on this one. I never give the benefit of the doubt to women with resting bitch face. It’s never worked out well. But, again, the tits. I don’t want to learn from my mistakes.

Photo Credit: ABC.com

Hugh Jackman Jacked

By Matt May 13, 2015 @ 7:01 AM

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Hugh Jackman has a diverse array of talents including getting ripped as fuck at the gym and performing on Broadway. For brevity’s sake, we refer to this as being gay. Jackman also plays Wolverine, a role which exclusively requires him to be jacked as fuck and memorize the SAG minimum of lines required to be considered a featured performer. He also stars in several shitty romantic comedies in which he plays a sensitive guy who is inexplicably courting a woman while wearing khakis and those weird shirts that you can’t tell if they’re dress or casual that child molesters wear to barbecues.

Jackman’s latest accomplishment is becoming a member of The 1,000 Pound Club, an esoteric honor popular in bodybuilding circles in which someone bench presses 235 pounds, squats 335 pounds, and dead lifts 410 pounds. It’s unclear the origins of this club but I’m guessing it was started by some guy who could lift exactly that much weight and nothing more. Either way I salute Jackman. I’m sure his loving wife was there to cheer him on in her wrestling onesie. At some point his muscles must become too big for the closet.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lena Dunham Is Comfortable In All of Her Skin

By Matt May 13, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Lena Dunham posted a grotesque muffin top photo which is most likely designed to empower women by giving them the ability to kill men’s boners until the seas rise another three centimeters from global warming and swallow us whole. Dunham mentions this is her exercise gear, which might put Equinox out of business or at the very least riddle their billboard with book clubs focussing on work about lost cats:

“… Forgot my workout gear so had to snag a size large bra and a size small pants.”

Do whatever you want but don’t forget the XL cummerbund. It’s great Dunham recognizes there’s a problem and is attempting to better herself. Her Instagram was predictably heaped with praise because she’s trolling fat chicks for compliments the same way Dana DeArmond’s butthole pics are trolling dudes to fulfill her Amazon Wishlist. Unfortunately Dunham’s fan base has been tricked into thinking pointing out someone is fat equals body shaming. Chanting it at the bus stop might be. Acknowledging a health issue is not. Continue heaping praise on Dunham for no other reason than being out of shape, but you’re belying her high blood pressure meds. They make for great table talk.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Doctor Kanye And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kanye West received an honorary PhD from the Art Institute of Chicago which I’m pretty sure he created and funded a couple weeks ago just in time to give him an honorary degree. I’d laugh and say how this is hardly Harvard, but those fuckers will probably give him one too. Everybody wants a little taste of rap money endowments.

I bet Kanye starts calling himself doctor. (Huffington Post)

Caya Hefner has more underboob than most girls have regular boobs. (Egotastic)

Amy Schumer has quite the tramp stamp. Figures. (TMZ)

Alessandra Ambrosio wears a bikini just for you. (Drunken Stepfather)

Camilla Luddington hits the red carpet in basically a tube top. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicole Scherzinger shows some serious sideboob. (Popoholic)

These are some nerdy fangirls I’d like to plow. (The Chive)

Blac Chyna Wants Her Baby

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Blac Chyna Fights For Full Custody
Blac Chyna intends to fight for full custody of her two year old son with Tyga. Through her attorney Black Chyna claims the child needs to be living full time with just one parent since he’s about to enter school and learn the cruel gift genetics bestows upon kids with two extraordinarily stupid parents. Black Chyna claims her ex-boyfriend isn’t fit to be the primary parent since he likes to stay out all night, smoke hella dope, and fuck underaged girls. In contrast, Black Chyna clearly doesn’t do the latter. Chyna also wants child support from Tyga to keep her in the lifestyle she’s accustomed to. Which is either a condo in Calabasas or a refrigerator box in an alley depending if you go back more than two years. As usual, the only winner in this case will be the sick child who receives this toddler’s healthy liver after he’s forgotten in the tub for three days in or around the MTV Video Awards. Life is cruel, not that comment.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Nude in Just Body Paint (VIDEO)

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Kim Kardashian Poses In Just Body Paint
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.

Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!