Melissa Rummells in a Bikini

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 9:29 AM

Melissa Rummells Wears A Bikini For 138 Water In Malibu
The straw-in-human-cranium blood sucking planet invaders from the 138 Water syndicate are running out of girls to coax out onto the beach to pretend their bottled water gives you nice tits. It’s like hitting the theoretical end of the search results on YouPorn. Fuck, I just shuddered. It’s not pleasant to think about, but at some point if you scroll through enough horny shaved granny porn, the possibility exists. We draw near the time when 138 Water will order its tentacle laden advanced fighting forces to erupt from the bodies of fat people at the gym who walk the treadmill at the lowest speed. Then we earthlings shall finally have a visual dictionary photo for the word splatter.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kate Upton’s Tits Will Soon Own Google

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Kate Upton Wears A Sheer Top While Stepping Out In NYC
Kate Upton and a dozen or so other celebrities from the hacked titties photo imbroglio have retained the services of celebrity scandal attorney Marty Singer to threaten to sue Google for $100 million, or what the people at Google like to call, lunch money. The overwrought teen legal letter accuses Google of not being responsive enough in killing URLs featuring pictures of Kate Upton covered in Cy Young goo and Jennifer Lawrence touching her niblets.

“Like the NFL, which turned a blind eye while its players assaulted and victimized women and children, Google has turned a blind eye while its sites repeatedly exploit and victimize these women.”

There are certain attorneys in Los Angeles who specialize in taking big wads of celebrity billable hours in exchange for trying to get their embarrassing photos or tawdry conduct allegations redacted from the web as if that’s actually a thing you can do. Still, there’s the appearance of something being done which is almost the same as something being done. Google probably did make some serious co-advertising dollars off the bump in traffic related to The Fappening. Online hosts tend to be more ‘cautious’ when removing content that is making them money than they do Aryan hate speech sites that refuse to use Google AdSense because they think it’s run by Jews. But it’s also true that celebrities have a lot of retainer money to waste fighting Pyrrhic legal battles. Pretty much the entire world minus those billing big fat hourlies knows you can’t put the hot naked genie flicking her bean on video back into the bottle.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet,PacificCoastNews

Sarah Silverman Cares Too Much (VIDEO)

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

Sarah Silverman appeared in a flat video on behalf of the National Women’s Law Center whose goal is to attain equal pay for women while wearing unisex suits. All of Silverman’s comedy is based on the fact that she’s a relatively hot Jewish chick with a potty mouth. Like Chelsea Handler, but Sarah stops at banging black dudes to get ahead.

In the video Silverman picks out a dick to wear, because having a dick makes you earn more money than women as long as you work more hours, stay with the same job longer, take less vacation time, and promise to die young. The National Women’s Law Center is calling for donations of $30 trillion dollars so that every woman in America can be given $435,000 dollars which is what they calculated she will lose unfairly in her lifetime while they were high on Fen Phen. The NWLC is officially ballsier and funnier than their latest spokeswoman. Correction, spokesperson.

I feel the same way on this issue as I do on African-American reparations. I’ve never enslaved anybody or provided support or aid to known enslavers so I don’t feel personally responsible. I also earn so little that it would be statistically impossible for a woman to earn 78% of what I do for the same job. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to Sarah Silverman sketches. I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve this.

Tyga and Kylie Jenner Statutory Date Raping

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

17 Year Old Kylie Jenner Wears Short Dress On Date With Rapper Tyga In Encino
If anyone knows how to tightrope walk around a statutory rape prosecution, it’s Kris Jenner. You don’t rise to pimp head of a multimillion dollar teen prostitution ring without picking up a little streetwise jurisprudence. Kylie Jenner is just seventeen and according to the state of California, she’s still an illiterate minor. That means whatever the hell her rapper boyfriend slash Kim’s best girlfriend’s baby daddy is doing with her after sushi dates is technically a sex crime. Not as bad as Stephen Collins flashing his pecker to grade schoolers or guys at the office peeking at Jennifer Lawrence hacked naked selfies, but a crime just the same. When you limit your potential sex partners to reasonably successful black rappers, there has to be some concession to age differences and depth of criminal backgrounds. STDs may slowly burn away, but a Kardashian girl never forgets her first publicity fuck.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jennifer Lawrence’s Boyfriend Is Gay Adjacent

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

Jlaw

Jennifer Lawrence offered up some heinous details of her relationship with Chris Martin in Vanity Fair, like how she mostly gets off on reality TV and farting these days:

“Isn’t boring so much better than passion?… I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV… [Someone who] you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time… You can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”

This seems like a departure from snapping large volumes of self diddling photos for her last boyfriend. Maybe an impressionable Lawrence is channeling her elderly effeminate boyfriend’s longwinded explanations of how watching Dance Moms provides a greater spiritual connection than grappling with her supple breasts. People get comfortable. Sometimes the thrill just isn’t there, but if this is the case in the first months of dating, the dude has a few Abercrombie clad skeletons in his closet. This is the period in the relationship when people carnally fuck each other’s brains out and call it true love. Coldplay should provide a solid soundtrack to a dull lifeless relationship where the two bond deeply over eating bon bons and catty gossip about the neighbors upstairs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Aziz Ansari Creeps On Blake Lively

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 7:33 AM

Aziz

The amount of ass Aziz Ansari gets simply for being on television is a cosmological discrepancy bestowed onto no other. Ashton Kutcher still would be getting hummers in the break room if he swept floors at Home Depot. Ansari would have remained a bobbleheaded virgin into his later years had someone from NBC’s Diversity Department not found him passable instead of grating and obnoxious. He needs to know his limits. The chicks willing to get down with Ansari are limited squarely to tourists from Iowa and desperate fringe Hollywood actresses with amphetamine addictions. Ansari went on Howard Stern and explained how he was able to snake Blake Lively’s number and how she ignored his texts while most likely shuddering at the idea of being close to him. The most pathetic in the stream is this gem coming after a string of non responses:

“I’m going to the Boom Boom Room for that afterparty. Hopefully this is your number? Either way, good seeing you.”

We’ve all been there. It’s her number, she doesn’t like you. This is the last ditch effort before throwing in the towel and getting incredibly wasted while your friends ask you what’s wrong and you mumble about what a fucking moron you are. You will probably learn to let it go within a few months, at which point you will see the chick at the Red Robin and hide in the corner. At this point you will feel vulnerable, get wasted again, take your phone out, and repeat the process with some other chick who thinks you’re gross.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

 

Online Dating Goes Manual

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 7:01 AM

Love

Lovepalz is an online dating network taking cybersex to the next level, one which is not at all necessary. It allows you to find profile matches and offers the ability to control the sex toy speed and vibration of your partner remotely via the internet. There are two female and male toys compatible with the site which are sold at a markup only raging perverts and aging socialite recluse fan fiction authors would spring for. Their top selling male product is a $189 dollar contraption called Zeus.

“With its innovative air pump, Zeus simulates the sensation of female genitalia, giving users a realistic representation of intercourse.”

Did anyone in marketing stop to think Zeus is a dude’s name? Chicks definitely won’t go for this, which is probably appropriate since that Guatemalan virgin you’re talking to is likely a fat dude in Akron. Rest assured this site will be overrun by creepy gay dudes, a few embedded web cam chicks, and a shit load of Russians who just want to fuck something up. Letting someone control a thing attached to your junk is a strong commitment, possibly more so than maintaining a monogamous relationship over several decades. One error in judgement and you’ve just lost life enabling oxygen to your junk. For the price of that contraption there’s a Thai massage place down the street that will do what they’ve been doing since ten thousand years before Wifi was invented. Some things were definitely better before the Internet, we just don’t remember.

Porn Stars Groped For Reasons Unknown (VIDEO)

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 6:19 AM

Organizers of a Spanish porn convention produced a shoddy black and white video where they invited random people to touch porn stars. This was a poor attempt at capitalizing on the viral success of that gross kissing video which made the rounds among your mom’s friends and grad school male feminists. The premise is explained poorly in the opening seconds:

“The following video is a real sociological experiment. None of the “victims” are actors, nor do they know what will happen.”

Then some random people, who have to be referred to as ‘Not Victims’ in reference to a probable lawsuit, are surprised by porn people and invited to touch them. All of these randoms are intimately familiar with the porn work of these people, recognizing them instinctively as if they are Barbara Streisand dressed in Oscar attire and not a bunch of sixes your mind shuts out after you jizz on a Bounty. What follows is that awkward shit that happens between two strangers in porn before they fuck, but nobody fucks. It’s a miracle nobody was raped on a technicality. It’s quite revolting, yet represents a new high point for the Spanish porn industry, which has just switched from lambskin to latex.