By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 5:06 AM
You’re cursed if you weren’t lucky enough to die before the social media age. Not only are your loved ones going to find out about your demise through a Seth Green tweet, but you’re going to have tons of people you barely knew trying to outdo one another on who loved you the most. Everybody and their mother were searching their photo directories for ‘Paul Walker and Me’ jpegs Saturday afternoon. Kris Jenner couldn’t find one so she started posting inspirational quotes from Paul before the car fire had even been put out. I guess she figured she could bring this up in her defense at her future witch trial. Paul Walker believed in me! Put out these flames! Universal was so moved by Paul Walker’s death they held off on their meeting on how to replace him in The Fast and The Furious 7 by a full three hours. Then they commanded the screenplay robot to spit out a ripoff version of Point Break without the Keanu Reeves character.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 4:28 AM
Eventually, Hollywood will calibrate to the approximately fifty-percent gay and lesbian high school drama class demo. Which means a shit ton more coming out stories are on their way. Celebrity coming out stories obligate a series of rousing ovations like when a returning war veteran surprises his wife and kids at a sporting event. Actress Maria Bello wanted to let her twelve-year old son know that while she still cared for his dad, she was in scissor-kissing love with close family friend ‘Clare’. But how to handle this emotional land mine with sensitivity and discretion? An article in the the New York Times Fashion & Style section seemed to fit that bill.
According to Maria’s deep lesbian type thinking, this whole big gay debate is really about parsing the definition of ‘partners’.
And I have never understood the distinction of “primary” partner. Does that imply we have secondary and tertiary partners, too? Can my primary partner be my sister or child or best friend, or does it have to be someone I am having sex with? I have two friends who are sisters who have lived together for 15 years and raised a daughter. Are they not partners because they don’t have sex? And many married couples I know haven’t had sex for years. Are they any less partners?
I’ve read that a few times now and I’m pretty sure it makes no sense. That part about the sisters just seemed creepy. But coming out stories are just like going to see foreign films. You’re not supposed to understand it, you just need to applaud at the end and look moved if you want to get laid by your date. Maria, I don’t care how many times your son gets his ass kicked in school, it’s completely worth it to imagine you going down on another chick without all the secrets. We all needed this.
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 4:42 PM
Boy bands will never go away until we stop rewarding their behavior. It’s perfectly understandable that 12-year old girls need to learn how to diddle themselves over some sexually safe young male fantasy figures. That’s what Lance Bass was for. He was going to be so gentle with you girls, you’d hardly even notice he was making out with your brother. But we can’t start giving these synchronized dancing twits our grown up supermodels. Money and Ferraris and good drugs should be the limit to the rewards these hand picked puppets receive. The world’s hottest young women should continue to be reserved for captains of industry, professional athletes, and for some inexplicable reason, David Spade.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 4:04 PM
What happened to the days when feminists burned their bras and had sex with guys who couldn’t normally get laid just to prove how independent they were. Damn, those were good feminist times for men. Now it’s all blogging about crappy dates and exposing rape culture and explicit gynecological talk. But not Doutzen Kroes. She knows where women have a distinct advantage over men. You think a dude with a see-through mesh top is going to find a Mercedes wrapped in a red bow in his driveway this Christmas? If I was a chick with beautiful chest, I’d own this man’s world, then I’d dig up Helen Gurley Brown and we’d party together like feminist rock stars.
Photo Credit: Industrie Magazine
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 3:26 PM
I’m not sure when people decided it was sexy to see women beating the crap out of each other. I don’t care if it’s organized boxing or two BBWs coming to blows over the last piece of diet cheesecake bites in the store, seeing women go ballistic on each other always makes me uncomfortable. I’m down with girls pillow fighting in lingerie or two knife-wielding Puerto Rican girls jawing over who’s man I am, but real bloodied women is not my thing. Anybody who feels otherwise just doesn’t love their mother as much as I do. Hi, mom. Happy Birthday.
Here’s that Brazilian model Ana Braga with boxing gloves over her tits for no apparent reason.
Photo Credit: Bizsu Magazine
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 3:05 PM
According to my thirty-seconds of research, nobody’s been trampled or beaten to death yet on Black Friday. It’s not that I want to see people die, it’s just that people do die, and if I had to choose, I’d go for the moronic savages who fight over flat screens at Walmart versus, say, cute kids with cancer or women with big tits.
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 2:27 PM
Nigella Lawson is the famous British TV cook and all around society woman whose rich ad executive husband tried to choke her out with his Kung Fu grip over lunch earlier this year. Apparently, that’s frowned upon in Britain. Now Nigella has problems of her own because her and her former husband’s two assistant sisters who purloined a million bucks from the couple are blaming Nigella’s daily cocaine use as the reason it was all so simple. I’m not sure that’s an actual legal defense, but they brought it up nonetheless. And it was confirmed in an email by her former husband, Charles Saatchi, that was read aloud in court:
“Nigella, I was sent these by a newspaper and I can only laugh at your sorry depravity. Of course now the Grillos will get off on the basis that you … were so off your head on drugs that you allowed the sisters to spend whatever they liked and yes I believe every word the Grillos have said, who after all only stole money. But I’m sure it was all great fun and now everything is perfect – bravo, you have become a celebrity hostess on a global TV game show. And you got the pass you desired, free to heartily enjoy all the drugs you want, forever. Classy.”
That’s basically how polite British people write ‘fuck you, cunt’ to their ex-wives. At this point, I’m rooting for Thelma and Louise, because they’re hot in a relatively English witches coven kind of way.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Lex November 29, 2013 @ 1:49 PM
Even though he’s likely getting some trim on the side, Kim Kardashian’s seismic birthing of the demon baby has been rough on Kanye West. He’s taking his jizz backup and turning it into daily idiotic tirades at radio stations and in concert. During his tour stop in Nashville, Kanye broke from his mediocre raps to bust out on Nike CEO Mark Parker for fucking up the Air Yeezy shoe line.
Did you not want the Yeezys? Nike would make you believe it was my fault that you couldn’t get them, but that was not the case. I wanted there to be as many Yeezys as there was LeBrons, and I wanted them to be at a good price, but that was not my choice, and we’re going to change everything. And … I’m going to create more than you think that any musician in the history of time ever could have.”
Kanye then accused Parker and Nike of ‘losing their culture’, which basically comes down to the fact they’re not paying Kanye royalties on his stupid looking shoes. And they’re not selling as well as the LeBrons. I’m sure Nike must’ve told Kanye at some point that’s because LeBron is the greatest basketball player in the world, while you rank 18th on BET’s list of hip hop artists, and, oh, by the way, people really don’t want to dunk like a singer.
Kanye wasn’t quite done with his philosophizing on people he sees as nearly his peers, like President Obama, who he said is having a tough go of it because black people aren’t connected like the Jews are. I guess he was comparing Obama’s administration difficulties to the great Jewish President nobody ever. Obama and Kanye, just two oppressed black men struggling to get by.