By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 11:16 AM
Say what you want about the so-called masterpieces, they’ve got nothing on Beyonce. Fuck yeah you are the most important piece available to be seen at the Louvre. I’ve been. The Mona Lisa is a tiny framed portrait of a chick who even back in the Renaissance had to be considered a four, a seven maybe after mead. The rest of the works are just naked dudes in oil paintings, or naked dudes in actual oil if you visit the haute French bars surrounding the museum and ask for the Travolta. If Davinci and Jacque Louis David were alive today, they’d be rendering Beyonce on a clam shell while Jay Z banged their art house girl assistants in the hay loft. Beyonce’s selfie work is saving us the effort of flying to France and being judged. Egomaniacal doesn’t have to be a negative.
Photo Credit: Beyonce
By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 11:01 AM
Hell yes. Ripping through bikini pictures of mere amateurs and you come across Joanna Krupa and her professional lioness looks. You don’t get smoky eyes without earning those bones. These are the photos I almost click on when I learn that live local hot girls in my zip code are down to fuck. Whenever I see those ads I start looking at all my neighbors with a knowing smile. Which one of them is it? Mrs. Langford, you horny AARP bitch with the pugs, I’m coming over now with cookies.
Photo Credit: BikiniWorldSwimwear
By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 9:04 AM
With the exception of Stephen King fare, nobody needs to see a creepy doll face collecting lachrymal dew on her fake eyelashes. This Angelique Morgan chick needs to be quarantined back to Europe and but quick. Don’t even take the time to pack her well-worn scarves and cartons of unfiltered Camels. She goes by Frenchy which is some kind of tip-off that she’s carrying multiple social diseases, some viral, some likely psychological. America does not need this headache now. I thought I could love a Tori Spelling who spent a couple months eating real food instead of plastic maquette sushi storefront displays. I was wrong. If she starts tapping her chest every time her man cheats on her, she’s going to get that nasty breast bone divot as well. Somebody make it all go away.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 8:52 AM
It turns out the Ebola River wasn’t even the closest tributary to where the deadly virus was first documented in the then Zaire. Somebody read the map wrong and unfairly and forever tarnished what I’m sure is an otherwise perfectly nice feces and carcass filled waterway in the Northern Congo. That’s how easy it is to get a bad rap. You do shit once or twice to pay the rent and suddenly you’re being called a tranny hooker in the police blotter and your mom won’t speak to you. These chicks modeling for this bottled water ruse had better think twice about how the alien invasion survivors are going to treat them. A conspirator is likely to be treated more kindly if she happens to have amazing tits, but she’ll be marked nonetheless. Some kind of obvious badge of shame like having to attend public events with David Spade. Payback won’t be kind. Though I’ll grant you these gigs still trump working the makeup counter at Nordstrom.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 7:54 AM
Sara X is a self described weirdo and tattoo model, as if we couldn’t fill in the details. This video is a viral hit. There’s not any actual talent involved, although her upper pectoral strength is enough to lift those two trash bags with surprising ease. She doesn’t make any qualms about having implants. You have to wonder if this is the type of thing you picture on the operating table and quietly slide out of the plastic surgeon’s pre op with dignity in tow. Sara does not take herself seriously, so I don’t feel bad for her like the chicks who cry at the AVN Awards for winning Best DP. She could definitely parlay this into an upcoming Gong Show appearance at any given Vegas area strip club. More power to her. Make that money, those things aren’t going to last forever. Shit, actually they are.
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 7:23 AM
Snoop Dogg maintains a pretty funny Instagram account assuming you’re a seventh grader and you started smoking weed pretty hard in the fifth. Sometimes not giving a fuck is inherently funny when you’re mean to annoying people for no rhyme or reason. After not super flattering photos of Iggy Azalea without any makeup went around the net, Snoop posted a picture of this cave dweller with the mocking caption. Azalea replied to Snoop on Twitter:
“Why would you post such a mean pic on insta when you send your body guards to ask me for pictures every time we are at shows… I’m disappointed you’d be such an ass for no reason.”
There’s not much you really can do when somebody calls you ugly other than ignore it. Or tweet about your disappointment in Snoop Dogg like that’s a legitimate feeling. Snoop Dogg likely harbors resentment to a white chick from Australia biting so hard on the black hip hop culture. The big white fake ass is acceptable when you’re the guy tapping it at 2am, otherwise, it’s a racial affront. I have an office pool going of what will remain longer, this photo on Instagram or Iggy Azalea’s fame. Nobody will cash in on it because nobody gives a shit.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:38 AM
NBC’s chief medical correspondent Nancy Snyderman was exposed to Ebola while in Liberia, because when in Rome you drink wine and don’t go to Liberia. After her freelance camera man tested positive, Snyderman told the CDC she would quarantine herself for three weeks of house arrest, which about a third of the general population of Jersey is doing at any given time. In the midst of her voluntary quarantine, Snyderman was spotted outside a restaurant in Hopewell where an arugula salad that is to die for. Literally. Snyderman issued an apology which explains she is smarter than the general public and therefore able to break rules which she would harshly judge others for breaking:
“While under voluntary quarantine guidelines, which called for our team to avoid public contact for 21 days, members of our group violated those guidelines and understand that our quarantine is now mandatory until 21 days have passed. We remain healthy and our temperatures are normal… As a health professional I know that we have no symptoms and pose no risk to the public, but I am deeply sorry for the concerns this episode caused.”
If you’re such an expert then how did you and your entire crew become exposed to Ebola? The state of New Jersey has officially ordered her inside her house for the remainder of the quarantine period so she can yell out the window about how she’s a doctor and her loogies can’t possibly kill you. This is where Obama needs to get directly involved and drone strike Hopewell and Snyderman’s condo. If anybody complains, just fire back, you want Ebola? Shut up, bitch. Now that’d be handsome.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Shia LaBeouf went on Jimmy Kimmel and discussed his twenty-four hour stint in solitary confinement for being a raging drunken asshole.
“I get to the station and I quickly realize, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not made for this set up…So I’m like, ‘You gotta do something. You gotta do something, man. You’re gonna die in here.’ So I turn into Tupac and now I’m ripping my shirt off and doing push-ups like, ‘Don’t mess with me dawg.’ And the guy’s like, ‘What are you in here for?’And I’m like, ‘Cabaret.’”
It’s hard to tell if he’s looking at this with a sense of humor or is an insane delusional person who thinks he is a an urban survivalist and that Brad Pitt will bunk with him after Fury comes out.
I have some sympathy for Shia. Sometimes when you hit on your buddy’s girlfriend at the Christmas party you have to own up to your behavior and issue a heartfelt apology. The problem is this runs the risk of reminding people exactly what you did. The cockier bunch simply pretend it never happened, or when you bring up how they punched you in the dick they laugh as if you and everyone else was doing it with them. This is Shia’s strategy. Who needs to beat themselves up when you’re already hungover and feel like shit? Nobody likes a downer. We like people who make shit happen, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.