Putin Has The Biggest Balls of Them All

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 12:58 PM

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Vladimir Putin might be a gay-hating arrogant sinister ex-KGB topless horseback riding prick of a dictator, but he’s got actual nads. I don’t know who was the biggest pussy on the Asian Pacific Summit of important world leaders dais, but it wasn’t the Russian leader who took off his stupid ceremonial purple shawl and wrapped it around the cold wife of Xi Jinping, China’s highest ranking commie and mediocre golfer. Putin’s inappropriately slick move immediately created a Putin’s-cuckolding-the-Chinese-leader meme on the Asian Internet, causing Chinese Internet scrubbers to stay up all night with their censor brushes. They also slaughtered some Tibetan monks and ruptured a damn drowning thousands just to remind people who’s in charge.

Putin’s already revered among Chinese women for his masculinity and prowess. Sort of like Brentwood moms revere Obama for his willingness to pretend he understands menopause. Only Putin is probably sticking it to the Chinese leader’s wife for real, while Obama only raw dogs Gwyneth Paltrow during her lavender scented candle baths.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jenny McCarthy Returns To TV And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 12, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Extremely modestly talented Jenny McCarthy and New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg are going to star in their own reality show. The show will be called TV Is Now Officially A Barren Wasteland of Retreaded Ideas For Brain Deads. Or, just Jenny Loves Donnie.

Read all about Jenny McCarthy’s new shit show. (The Superficial)

Are you ready for a new Tila Tequila sex tape? No, me neither. (TMZ)

Naya Rivera hates on Kim K because she didn’t think of that ass pic first. (Huffington Post)

Kylie Minogue writhes around in her underwear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alyssa Barbara wears a see-through t-shirt and it’s good, real good. (Hollywood Tuna)

Alexandria Morgan in a swimsuit is faptastic. (Popoholic)

Khloe Kardashian pisses people off by comparing the KKK to her vagina. (Dlisted)

Bella Thorne Also An Author

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Bella Thorne Booty In Tight Dress Signs Copies Of Her Book Autumn Falls NYC
Teen stars have always had book series with their names and faces on them. It’s a more recent phenomenon where we pretend these TV twits are actually penning the tween novels. Ghostwriters have been getting IP ass raped since the invention of the feather tip pen. That’s the life they choose. What’s more curious is why instead of just saying these girls love this book series and putting their Seventeen magazine mugs on the covers, they insist on crafting a mythology of these pretty faces being authors of any caliber. As a writer of dubious caliber myself, I think I’m offended.

AUTUMN FALLS is the first book in Bella Thorne’s new series! It has everything readers will love and relate to: a real girl trying to find her own inner strength and be the best she can be, with a hint of magic and mystery, and a steady stream of OMG-I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened fun.

That certainly sounds relatable and empowering and the exact formula of every single tween novel series ever. The perfect stocking stuffer for the girl in your family you want to guarantee never challenges herself in the hard sciences.

Bella Thorne is the last great hope for her stage parents dream of having at least one heavily molested daughter bank a decent paycheck in Hollywood. Her older two sisters gave it their best shot and are now seen mostly in topless photo shoots on social media. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But it’s not paying down the mortgage on the family home in Florida. Back to the Starbuck’s to pen your next book, Bella. Daddy needs more hints of magic.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Julianne Hough Is Eligible

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 9:41 AM

Julianne Hough Shows Her Athletic Bod In Shape Magazine
As far as virgins go, you could do worse than a pretty blond with a killer body and a steady paycheck. You’d have to allow for her and her gay brother putting on shows in the living room and sharing a bed together when you’re out of town, but at least you don’t have to worry about her safety, or her hymen. When wedding night roles around you’ve got blood and tears and a whole mass of complicated emotions to look forward to. That sounds awesome. Though not as awesome as going second.

Photo Credit: Shape

Chelsea Handler Seems Somewhat Needy

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Chelsea Handler Posts Booty Pic To Twitter
Somebody please arrange a ceasefire with Chelsea Handler’s naked cries for attention. Maybe we all agree to look at her next photo and give her a ‘I Luvs U Chels!’ and she agrees to be dropped into a hole drilled through the earth’s mantle and see if Gaia shits her out in a Beijing KFC. Nobody seemed to care that Handler shut down her Instagram account after nobody seemed to care about the ruddy topless candids she kept posting. Mark Zuckerberg is an easy target because he weighs maybe a buck twenty and vomits at the sight of female genitalia. Handler’s relocated to Twitter which allows nudity because that is inevitably how they will keep the lights on. I’m not sure where this nude protest eventually leads, I just know I wish it was anybody other than Chelsea Handler.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Kim Kardashian Nude, It’s Exactly As You Didn’t Imagine

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Kim Kardashian Poses Nude For Paper Magazine
I could read the part where Kim Kardashian is such a self-aware laugh riot who felt emboldened and liberated by having her Photoshopped bare ass appear in a New York rag, but in homage to Kim, I’m pretending reading is boring and hurts my head. Also, it saved me two minutes to which I applied my Learning Annex intro to Photoshop skills of my own. A little nip here, a tuck there, and suddenly you have the perfect embodiment of rapper trash toy. I know Kim isn’t wounded by any of the vitriol lobbed against her. There’s something admirable about that. It also means we all need to try a little harder.

Photo Credit: Paper Magazine

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Bill Cosby Lacks Foresight

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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The social media intern running Bill Cosby’s Twitter page invited users to make memes of Cosby via a meme generator Somebody forgot that Billy Cosby’s name has been searched one million times these past few months, 999,999 times in association with ‘rape allegations’. Twitter users immediately began making rape memes of his self-satisfied face because the younger generation prefers making social statements that take under eleven seconds and cost zero dollars.

After a few hours the words Rape, Sex, and Rapist were censored from the meme generator in a fix-it move akin to plugging that hole in your sinking dinghy with chewing gum. Eventually he disastrous idea was removed entirely and someone had to inform Cosby you can’t sue Twitter as he was separating his roofies from his blood pressure meds. Still, he got to rape his intern which had to be some solace.

Photo Credit: Twitter

 

Quadruple Amputee Kills Parents And Self

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 7:52 AM

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Quadruple amputee Sean Petrozzino is suspected of killing his parents last week and definitely killed himself this week. Petrozzino was a favorite of the Orpah crowd for his inspirational struggle with bacterial meningitis some years that cost him both his legs and both hands save for a tiny nub on the left. Petrozzino had recently split up with his wife and moved back into his parents home with his Great Dane. After his folks were found shot to death, police named Petrozzino as the prime suspect. He fled but at some point realized tracking down the quadruple amputee in the red Toyota wouldn’t be all that hard.

Prosthetics experts surmised that since Petrozzino was seeing working his parents ATM card at the Wells Fargo right after the murder, he probably also had the manual dexterity to fire a gun into his parents skulls. His ability to use the bathroom and shoot people had initially been a concern for his doctors and many brave volunteer therapists put in countless hours of work with him and his Beretta. Petrozzino leaves behind a wife, a Great Dane and at least three limbs.

Photo Credit: Facebook