Tori Spelling Has the Consumption

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 6:23 PM

Tori Spelling Looking Skinny Out Shopping In Los Angeles
A couple weeks ago Tori was seen at the jewelers maybe hocking some pieces. There were moving vans outside her place, no not the place where she left with rent due, the new place where she smiled and told the landlord ‘I’m a TV star, it’s not you need a security deposit’. Now she appears to be saving her lunch money, if not breakfast and dinner money as well. Damn, Tori, if only there was a way to make everything better in your life, slap some dough in your pocket, and make you feel like Donna Martin again. What about a reality show featuring the struggles of having four kids and a husband in rehab for fucking babies into Canadian groupies? Could it be, True Tori, Lifetime’s new genius documentary series featuring the final eighty pounds of Tori Spelling and how she’s going to handle trust issues with her husband who can’t control his twin desires of procreation and not working. With cameras rolling, Tori and the other actresses pretending to be her girlfriends are running errands around town and doing silly girl stuff like trying to get Tori to eat an entire grape before Jesus rises on Easter. I expect this latest reality show will be as wildly successful as the past few that have left her broke and anorexic and drunk dialing random Canadian roadside motels at four am demanding to speak to her husband.

Photo Credit: Splash

Claudia Jordan And Aisha Thalia In Bikinis

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 5:26 PM

Claudia Jordan And Aisha Thalia In Bikinis At The Beach In Miami
I know the girl on the left used to be on Deal or No Deal where Howie Mandel would break into a herpetic sweat when people tried to touch him. I’m not familiar with the confused looking girl with the big fake titties who decided to wear her seventh grade end of the year party swimsuit. You know that party where the girls who developed early showed up in their first bikinis and all the girls who hadn’t yet stood in the back and talked shit about the girls in the bikinis who think they’re all that. I may have actually got that last part from a female coming of age movie that by definition nobody saw in the theaters. Being a girl seems really hard. In some ways you have to admire guys like Bruce Jenner for taking the plunge.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Heidi Klum Now Guarded by Son of Wolverine

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 4:52 PM

Heidi Klum With A New Body Guard At An 'America's Got Talent' Event In New York
When you know your super fresh older girlfriend left her husband for her bodyguard, you get kind of sensitive about the dude who follows her around 7×24 to make sure nobody steals her clutch with the lipstick and the strudel flavored condoms. Heidi’s young French boyfriend didn’t like her latest bodyguard which I take to mean he assumed there was a high probability of boning, so he insisted Heidi get this new short dude with the beard to shadow her at events. One issue the cougar ladies haven’t quite figured out yet is how to deal with the jealousy of young men. Men are annoying insecure bitches when young. It’s part of that whole alpha male procreative my sperm must win legacy. At some point, you get to the age where so long as you’re getting some, you don’t even hear your rich German girlfriend telling you she’s off to buy a cock ring and a Hitler mustache for her hunky bodyguard. Let him deal with her gluten-free diet and need for emotional attachments. You just want to watch the ball game in peace.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Britney Spears Has Soccer Mom Panties

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 4:00 PM

Britney Spears Flashes Her Panties At Her Kids Soccer Game In Woodland Hills
$200 won’t even get you this kind of view with Britney at her provocatively boring show in Vegas. So pay attention kids playing the world’s most popular sport that nobody in this country gives a shit about. You’re getting premium seating attraction. There was a time when Britney wouldn’t be caught dead wearing underwear. Not showing her son’s teammates the primordial goo from whence she pushed his cranium into this world seems like a very grown up step for Britney. I guess even crazy people mature into slightly more socially responsible crazy people.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Paige Butcher Shaming Her Future Stepdaughters Once Again

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 3:41 PM

Paige Butcher And Bria And Shayne Murphy Show Off Their Bikini Bodies In Maui
Usually when your dad takes up with a hot young replacement for your mom, you can act out and start smoking cloves and underaged drinking and having sex with dudes who ride rice burners and have face tattoos. But what do you do when you’re already twenty and he replaces your mom with some white devil bitch with incredible tits? That teen rebel runaway shit will not play. All you can really do is strap on a thong and try to measure up until she gets eaten by a shark. But what if she is the shark? What if she starts whispering heinous shit like ‘The apples of his eyes shall never measure up to the peach upon his dick’ as she struts by to go hump your inheritance out of your dad. Tears and porn are your last two options. Measure them out in equal parts and you might stand a chance.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Justin Bieber Goes To Walmart

By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 3:18 PM

Pug-faced troll doll Justin Bieber can add wrecking a Walmart to his douchey resume. It seems that the tiny tyke was visiting his home town of Stratford, Ontario when he decided to go to the town’s center of arts and culture: Walmart. Then, according to an eyewitness, Bieber totally wrecked the place. He and his thirty person entourage showed up at the discount store and bounced balls in the toy department, opened food they didn’t pay for, sexually harassed the mouth breathing trollops, and generally behaved like assholes. The good folks at Walmart decided to just let Justin have his fun since Bieber is like a little midget god unto the people of Stratford. This is kind of like the old bull in the china shop bit, but the bull is a short privileged lesbian and the china shop is box store with very low self esteem.

It’s Good to Be Rich and Bang Young Models Until One Shoots You in the Head

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 2:56 PM

Mayka Marica Kukocova In A Bikini At The Beach
There’s an unfortunate lesson in here somewhere, so pay attention. Andy Bush made a shitload of cash running jewelry stores in England. So he divorced his wife and started banging young hot foreign models. It’s all in the middle-aged rich dude operating manual if you read it. I guess he recently traded out one named Mayka Marica Kukocova for a replacement and like all models with three hard to pronounce names, she waited in hiding for a week at his Spanish villa to shoot him in the head. Now there’s an international manhunt for Kukocova, with manhunt probably being the very last word feminists seek to make gender neutral. She’s believed to be in Morocco, which would make her the only tall hot blonde in the country not named Gywneth Paltrow dry humping her new boyfriend away from the hounding paparazzi. They should just shoot all tall blondes in the country to be sure. Oh, yeah, the lesson. You can’t have much sex when you’re dead.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Sophie Turner Arrested For Domestic Violence

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 2:33 PM

Sophie Turner In Lingerie

Apparently, it’s illegal to beat up your husband because he’s pissed you took off your wedding ring and spent the night in Jeremy Piven’s hotel room. Sophie Turner isn’t the first hot model to pretend she’s single. Women might love to hear other women talk about how romantic their husband is, but men mostly want to imagine these girls live by themselves in a condo filled with crotchless panties and sex toys and that they’re super lonely for some inexplicable reason easy enough to gloss over in the frenzy of masturbation. Sophie Turner’s secret husband got all all bitchy about Sophie rubbing Jeremy’s toupee across her intimate parts and she did what any wife would when confronted with a Piven affair, she gave her husband a good beat down. I’m not sure I’d call the cops if my wife beat me up while still stinking of Piven sauce, but hers did. Now she’s got a restraining order against her until this shit gets sorted out. And, by sorted out, I mean somebody reminds the husband you don’t want a permanent public record of your wife kicking your ass. It’s embarrassing. There are all kinds of double standards women have to deal with, this is one for the menfolk. Obviously, you can’t ever be with a woman after the twin humiliations of a a smackdown and Piven goop, so just drop the charges and divorce her and move on. Then change the story to how your wife caught you banging Emmanuelle Chriqui. In five years time, people will be confused enough to start remembering it that way and you’ll seem kind of cool again. Even though you’ll still be a huge pussy deep down.

Photo Credit: Sophie Turner/Facebook