sofia vergara is mysterious, awesome

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 6:00 PM

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Sofia Vergara of the ABC show ‘Modern Family’ was poolside this morning in Miami, and even though you can kind of see her amazing tits in these pictures, this moment is still bittersweet.

Her body is amazing. And she used to wear dresses like this. And bikinis like this. And do patronizing modeling like this because perverts I mean fancy gentleman like myself get turned on by the Latin maid thing. But then she dated Tom Cruise a few times in 2005, two months before he met Katie Holmes, and I don’t know what that fuckin weirdo did to her but she’s been wrapped up ever since. It’s as if she never wants to be alone with a man again.

So if you see that jackass today, kick him right in the nuts. Tell him Justice sent you.

(source = splash news online)

miley cyrus is here to help

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 5:05 PM

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Miley Cyrus is in Miami today, and earlier this afternoon she hit up the pool at her hotel for a while. These pictures are okay but when she sat down some jackass got between her and the camera and 100 percent of his time was spent either spreading his legs or bending himself around like that Chinese guy in ‘Oceans 11′. Which means I had to sit here for 10 minutes trying to edit around some young boys crotch. It sucked. The last thing I need in the middle of the day is a bunch of sexual temptation extra work.

(source = inf daily and mavrix online)

elin nordegren just got paid

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 4:04 PM

Elin Nordegren

Part 1 of Tigers plan to salvage his reputation was to pay everyone off so they keep quiet. That’s also Parts 2-30. The Chicago Sun Times says…

…don’t look for Woods’ wife, Elin, to be moving out of the couple’s Windermere, FL., mansion anytime soon. She’s reportedly being paid a hefty seven-figure amount — immediately transfered into an account she alone controls — to stick with her husband.
On top of that, my source indicated Elin Nordegren Woods, the mother of Tiger’s two children, has demanded — and is getting — a total rewrite on the couple’s prenuptial agreement making the incentives for her to remain Mrs. Tiger Woods even more enticing.
At this point, the couple needed to remain married for 10 years in order for Woods’ wife to collect a splitsville settlement of $20 million. I’m being told that time frame has been shortened — and the dollar amount increased “substantially.”

This story and the Rachel one and the Katie Holmes one are doing a really good job at breaking down the stereotype that women are attracted to men for their money. I was being sarcastic by the way.  This is turning into a hostage negotiation now. “That’s a really beautiful family you have there Mr. Woods. Sure would be a shame if they all went away.” Luckily, all can be forgiven as long as you pay up. If Elin and Tiger were on a deserted island where money didn’t matter, there’s no way she ever has sex with his boring ass. She might give him a handjob around year 9.

(picture source = splash news online and getty images)

tiger is buying everyone off

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 2:12 PM

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Tiger Woods seems determined to handle his cheating scandal by staying out of the public eye and throwing as many millions as it takes to make sure everyone else does too. Rachel Uchitel was the first of his girlfriends to be outed, and she had a press conference scheduled today in LA. That was abruptly canceled less than an hour ago. Try and guess why. Radar Online says…

Rachel Uchitel was set to go public and admit her affair with Tiger Woods until a last-minute flurry of phone calls between her rep and representatives for the golfer.
Tiger’s people are desperate to keep Rachel from talking about Tiger and that they were willing to go a long, long way to keep her silent.
One source claimed that Rachel was negotiating a $1 million payoff by Tiger’s people to remain silent.

Dr. Evil here better get online and look around before she screws up the chance of a lifetime. Tiger Woods would pay a million dollars for a large Coke. What is she, retarded? Does she even know how money works? Tiger should roll the dice and give her a piece of paper with an X on it and tell her that’s a million dollars. Based on her financial acumen on display so far that would probably work.

holy crap

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 1:08 PM

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Once a month or so Katy Perry will remember that she’s a hot skinny girl with huge tits, and the Grammy Nominations Concert in LA last night was definitely one of those times. The blond Pam Anderson thing is kind of boring, but Asian girls, Jayme Langford, Katy. These bitches are awesome. It would be like fucking Wonder Woman. She made a bunch of stupid faces on stage of course, but with some practice I could probably throw some roofies in her mouth when she does that, or even better work out some blow gun type thing and shoot it right down her throat. Then an hour or so later I’ll be able to describe Phase 2 of my plan that very same way.

(source = wenn and getty)

cheating might cost tiger woods $300 million

By brendon December 03, 2009 @ 12:14 PM

Elin Nordegren

Yesterday I randomly speculated that Tiger Woods might lose hundreds of millions of dollars if his wife files for divorce. I didn’t really base that on anything, because research takes forever so fuck that, but this time the things I made up were true, and I didn’t look up a damn thing. Suck on that Us weekly.

…the couple has a prenuptial agreement worth $300 million, which would make this the most expensive celebrity divorce in history.

But at least Rachel Uchitel, the girl at the heart of this story, is sticking by her claim that she never had an affair with Woods. Oh wait never mind.

Rachel Uchitel has publicly denied she had sexual relations with Tiger Woods, but we’ve learned she has said she did indeed have an affair with the golfer. And, we’re told it was her — not Jaimee Grubbs — who caused an argument between Tiger and his wife, Elin Nordegren, that immediately preceded Tiger’s SUV crash.
Sources say less than an hour before Tiger’s accident, Rachel and Tiger were texting each other. Elin confronted Tiger and asked whom he was texting. She grabbed the phone and we’re told she called Rachel to confront her. Tiger and Elin began arguing and the phone broke in the process.
We’re also told there was damage as a result of the altercation in the vestibule area of Tiger’s home — damage that cannot be easily repaired, and that is why Tiger would not let police come in.

Even if Tiger is guilty of everything he’s accused of and 10 times more, THREE HUNDRED MILLION GOD DAMN DOLLARS? Jesus Christ. Elin should be well compensated for what he’s done to her, but, seriously? 300? If someone is gonna take that much money from you I really don’t think killing them would be unreasonable. Every human life is important, but only up to a certain point. Let’s not get carried away.

katie holmes just got paid

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 8:47 PM

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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have been married just over 3 years now (Nov. 18) and despite recent rumors that their relationship is struggling, things are going great. So well in fact, Katie has even agreed to extend her marriage contract. Aww. This is really touching.

OK! can exclusively report that the Cruises have reached a deal on expanding their family: Katie plans to get pregnant sometime in the next year.
“She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again,” a pal tells OK! of the couple’s decision. “She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.”

Being rich must be awesome. Normally this kind of thing is called prostitution, but if the number is high enough they call it “loving each other very much”. The issue isn’t paying a girl to have sex with you, it’s paying her a hundred dollars to have sex with you. This is the kind of shit that happens when you let women vote.

afternoon headlines

By brendon December 02, 2009 @ 6:25 PM

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LADY GAGA – says she’s more than just eye candy. “My album covers are not sexual at all … The last thing a young woman needs is another picture of a sexy pop star writhing in sand, covered in grease, touching herself.” Actually that might be good for young girls. Being as sexy as Lady GaGa is an entirely attainable goal, like having a goal to touch your toes or “look at this.” (elle)

MATT DAMON – will not make another Jason Bourne movie without director Paul Greengrass, who walked away from the franchise this week because he and the studio can’t agree on a script. As if anyone can tell those movies apart anyway. (hollywood reporter)

KALIKA MOQUIN – is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, but more to the point she might have been having an affair with Tiger Woods that ended in October. Even more surprising is that someone named “Kalika” is white. How the hell did that happen? (las)

RACHEL UCHITEL – is seen in these pictures at a club in the Hamptons three months ago. I’m starting to see the appeal. A good way to gauge if your implants are the right size is if you have to constantly lean backwards so you don’t tip over. Mission Accomplished! (splash)