At some point you chicks are gonna realize that the gay stylist is not your friend. They're basically your competition for hot guys, and those catty bitches will do whatever it takes to sabotage you. Even if they have to go undercover and slowly but surely make you look like absolute hell. I guess you could give points to Aguilera for trying really hard, but that's really the kind of thing you say about Special Olympians as they drown. Jessica Simpson couldn't make it last night, so the part of "Jessica Simpson" was played by Trish Stratus.
THE MTV MUSIC AWARDS SUCKED
THE MTV MUSIC AWARDS SUCKED
Thank god for Cassie and Rihanna last night, because they looked insanely hot and they were the only ones. Except even here some idiot had to lean in and ruin all the Cassie pictures. I tried to edit him out but was only marginally successful. Aren't you supposed to be cool on the red carpet, act like you don't care. People on fire play it cooler than this dude. And I swear there were 50 pictures and this guy did the same ‘point at the camera’ move in every one. You could have hooks for hands and mix it up more than he did.
THE MTV MUSIC AWARDS SUCKED
What the hell is going on this year? I can't remember the last time ALL the award shows were this damn boring. No whores dressing trampy, no dudes gettin drunk and fuckin everything up. Just this nonsense. Justin Timberlake is a big fashion icon. So too was my archeology professor apparently, because they dress exactly alike. I'm assuming Justins pipe and bifocals are in his pocket somewhere. He thinks he's Indiana Jones. T.I got confused and went dressed as a baby bottle. When did John Legend die? And are these the first pictures of him as an angel? The Rock really needs to shave his head again because he looks like a damn drag queen before getting dressed up.
WHITNEY HOUSTON IS SINGLE?
Karrine Steffans, a long time staple in hip-hop videos and author of a book that documented her sexual escapades with a long list of rap stars, has been seen lately spending a great deal of time with Bobby Brown. This is on the heels of reports saying Brown has been kicked out of the house by wife Whitney Houston. Steffans, who is the past earned her nickname ‘Superhead’ after exploits with Usher, Diddy, Vin Diesel, Shaquille O'Neal and Ja Rule, among others, tells the Daily News:
"It's a really tricky situation. He is my dearest friend. But I'm not saying it's romantic. We won't know what it is till we're ready. There's a wife and children involved, I don't want to wreck any marriages. But if a marriage is already wrecked, that's not my fault."
This chick has had more rappers inside of her than a police car, and any time a young girl like this get passed from rapper to rapper, it always raises some troubling thoughts. Although mainly just, “please don’t let her be white.”
(oh relax, its just a joke)
JESSICA SIMPSON HAD PLASTIC SURGERY
Jessica Simpson has finally admitted to having her lips augmented last year, and says she regrets having done it because it didn't look natural. Simpson says she had the protein-based gel Restylane injected, hoping that it was safer and more natural looking than collegen. Umm, it wasn't. Simpson says:
"I had that Restylane stuff. It looked fake to me. I didn't like that. But… it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!"
I can think of worse things than Jessica Simpson with thick and less sensitive lips, so it's kind of a shame that she didn't like it. Although if I look at too many pictures of her even without thick lips, I wake up the next morning with my stuffed animals all stuck together, so this is probably for the best. Left on her own, without her idiot stylist or father or surgeons ruining everything, she's basically on a level of cute only seen when baby pandas wearing little cowboy hats play on a slide.
PARIS HILTON AND LANCE ARMSTRONG?
In what has to be the weirdest possible celebrity pairing imaginable, Lance Armstrong was seen earlier this week at a club on the Sunset Strip with Paris Hilton. Page Six says:
The two showed up to the Key Club in L.A. Tuesday night to catch the band the Vacation. "They came together, they hung out and left together," said our spy.
There’s simply no possible way this hussy has some layer of depth that makes her tolerable to seemingly normal people like Lance Armstrong and Justin Timberlake, is there? It can't be. I have to assume he banged her, because that's Paris Hiltons only use. Normally women can at least be good for baking me a pie and fetching my slippers, but I wouldn’t even trust Paris to do that right. I’d almost certainly end up with scalding hot pie on my feet.
JOHN TRAVOLTA IS A GOOD KISSER
You're welcome to not believe in unicorns or dinosaurs, because there's no proof those things ever existed, but please let this be the final evidence needed that John Travolta is into dudes. And not just a little. He's full blown gay. I know about the wife and the kids, I also know that he used to invite me up to his room when I worked at the Ritz Carlton in Marina del Rey, before they fired me for being too handsome.
JESSICA SIMPSON AND JOHN MAYER?
Several sources broke the news last night that Jessica Simpson is now dating singer-songwriter John Mayer. People.com says:
"She's tiptoeing back into the dating world," a source tells PEOPLE. "It's the first stage. She's never been happier." Mayer, 28, began a co-headlining tour with Sheryl Crow on Aug. 24, and Simpson, 26, is expected to attend his concert in Jones Beach, N.Y., on Wednesday night.
This will be entertaining because homely girls love John Mayer and they hate Jessica Simpson. They think he's so profound and deep, and now he's dating everything they loathe. I'm torn because I don't like seeing my Jessica with a new bf, but I am wildly entertained by hippie wiccans complaining. Could even the council of heaven sort this one out? I don't know, my friends. I simply don't know.


























































