“There is no split.”

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 1:30 PM

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Earlier today there was a post with the headline, “It’s an official split”.  And there was an ominous picture that showed Brad and Angelina looking in opposite directions.  As if in life, as well as at Cannes.  But this post has cute kissy-face pictures, which can only mean one thing. As previously implied by the headline, Brad and Angelina have not broken up and in fact are still very much together.

I sent an email to someone who is very very very close to Angelina, and asked about the story in the Enquirer.  The reply was the quote you see in the headline.

Now you may be wondering, is this true? Is the source covering for Angelina? The answer is a definitive, how the hell do I know? I didn’t torture the guy. In my original email I did include an “angry face” made with arrow keys and slash marks to send the message that I’m not screwing around and I need the truth, but it might have looked more like a laughing Chinese man in a hat, so I’m not sure they got that message.

Melissa Joan Hart seems nice

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 12:39 PM

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Melissa Joan Hart was a celebrity according to wikipedia, and this weeks People magazine confirms it.  She’s on the cover, and my sources tell me it’s because a horrifying photo (above) led the Sabrina star, 33, to take control.  So she lost 42 LBS!  This comeback is very important to Melissa, and no punkass cancer patient better get in her way.

(Melissa) was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.

It’s too bad that Farrah had to go and selfishly live, because if she died Melissa might be desperate enough to have done a “Weekend at Bernies” thing and stole her corpse and put some sunglasses on her and then driven around town in a convertible.   She could force a broom through the bottom of her passenger seat and then push Farrah down on that to keep her upright like when you roast a turkey, then hook a stick to Farrahs hand so she could make her wave.  Another good idea would be to have a tape that says, “Hi, good to see you too.  Yes I feel great thank you for asking.”  Then Melissa would need to drive away very fast because that may or may not be what the person asked.

Want. Do Not Want.

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 11:39 AM

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I don’t need to tell anyone here that the new issue of Marie Claire comes out tomorrow, but you may be surprised by the pictures of supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio together with Brunos tightly wrapped gold nutsack.   I know I was surprised.  Very surprised.   Startled, you might say.  The Sun UK says…

BRUNO’S kugelsack has been working so hard his film’s success is in the bag.
Earlier this week his Austrian manhood was dangling in EMINEM’s face during an MTV Movie Awards stunt and now it’s out again wrapped in gold alongside a Victoria’s Secret model.
SACHA BARON COHEN’s camp Austrian fashion reporter was posing alongside ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO in a shoot for Marie Claire.

You can see the full size pic from the banner here.  You may think the sun has collided with the earth when you open it, but don’t be alarmed, the picture is just that smokin hot.

(image source = fame.  full size jump = here)

“It’s an official split.”

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 9:37 AM

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This weeks version of the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie break-up story comes from the National Enquirer, which I don’t like because they often get stuff like this right.  I liked it better back when they just talked about leprechauns robbing banks or some shit.

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.
“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.
“It’s an official split. They will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.
If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.

Do those two really seem like they give a shit about money?  And they both work so much shared custody wouldn’t be much different than what they have now.  Hopefully that means this is bullshit.   If not Brads next girlfriend is gonna have an inferiority complex like the world has never seen.  Unless the new girls vagina is lined with vibrating studs and the softest mink, there’s no way she’s gonna be better than Angelina Jolie.

My life would suck without food

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 8:03 AM

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If you have any paper or wood products near your monitor, be sure you move them back to a safe distance before you open these pictures, or else they may burst into flames from all the hotness.

(image source = pcn. full size jump = here)

LeAnn Rimes is a stalker

By brendon June 03, 2009 @ 7:38 AM

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Two months ago, LeAnn Rimes was caught cheating with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a cable tv movie no one ever heard of. Once the affair came to light, it was quickly ended, and that was the end of that. Oh wait no.

“LeAnn is a stalker,” (Cibrians wife Brandi) Glanville tells Us. “She refuses to leave us alone — it is shameful and scary.”
Glanville tracked down her husband at a L.A. Lakers game on May 17 — two weeks after he changed his phone number to end her “constant texting and calling.”
Glanville says Rimes’ motivation for her “disgusting” behavior is to get back in the limelight.

The Glanville chick may be right that Rimes is nuts, but it seems unlikely that her motivation for stalking Cibrian is to “get back in the limelight”. Fucking other people husbands isn’t really some money making extravaganza. Just ask Sienna Miller.

Kate alone at the beach again

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 12:54 PM

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Kate Gosselin spent more time in a bikini at the beach earlier today, with all 8 kids but without her 1 husband.  That sounds dangerous.  I bet TLC would love it if a kid got hurt.  That channel got really weird.  Every night it’s Jon and Kate and then 2 hours of midgets.  Those shows creep me out but if you set the green level on your TV screen all the way up it looks like a science fiction movie, and then it’s pretty good.

TLC should drop the midgets in the woods with little hats and spears, then put a cloak on a boar and have it chase them around.  On TLC they could call it something cute like “Camping Calamity”, but then add some music and sell the same footage in Hong Kong as “Lord of the Rings 4″.  It’s like free money.

(image source = splash. jump to full size pics = here)

I Heart Lily Allen, part 29

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 11:54 AM

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It’s not like Lily Allen looks amazing with her top off or anything, but she’s a big star and she lays out almost naked all the time.   She’s sold almost 4 million records, whereas Vanessa Hudgens never lays out almost naked and has sold less than 500,000 records.  Coincidence?  Probably, yes, but is Vanessa willing to take that chance.  She needs to think of her bikini top as a loaded gun, just waiting to murder her career.