justin and jessica are done

By brendon September 30, 2009 @ 3:25 PM

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Star and Us magazine both run cover stories today saying that Justin Timberlake has broken up with Jessica Biel, with Star adding “for Rihanna”, and yet Justin and Jessica were allegedly out together just last night, looking very much un-broken up as they held hands on the way to dinner. So what’s the truth?

Well, the magazines gain nothing by lying, but if Justin and Jessica can fool people into thinking they’re dating, then the world is theirs for the taking!  Their powers grow with each day they fool us, soon there will be no stopping them!

(hq jump here. source = splash news online)

morning headlines

By brendon September 30, 2009 @ 11:26 AM

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LADY GAGA – is defending Kanye Wests behavior at the VMAs. “He’s a good guy and everybody makes mistakes, and he feels so f****** bad. He really does. Everyone likes to focus on gossip, but he’s changed music and he’s really prolific and an incredible person, and I think it’s unfair to judge somebody on one mistake they’ve made.” This should help change your opinion about Kanye, from now until the moment you read the very next sentence. (the sun)

KANYE WEST – threw a hissy fit at benefit show organized by Common. “After spotting a man eating chicken, West blurted, ‘Why wasn’t I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, [and] everyone is eating… why am I not eating?’ When the waitress explained that he never asked for food, ‘He yelled, ‘Well, I’m asking now!’ After receiving chicken, he allegedly proceeded to take a bite and then throw the rest in the trash.” No one was injured, but this picture of a baby panda was taken at the scene. (vibe)

WOLVERINE, JAMES BOND – the new play “A Steady Rain,” starring Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig, has set the Broadway record for the highest weekly ticket sales of a non-musical play, earning $1.17 million. The old record was 41 dollars, set back before “things that are fun” was invented. (reuters)

HEATHER LOCKLEAR – made her first appearance on the set of ‘Melrose Place’ yesterday, and she looked awesome considering she’s 48. Ashlee “Second Best” Simpson had this to say, “aww god dammit.” (pacific coast. hq jump here)

whoopi: “it wasnt rape-rape”

By brendon September 30, 2009 @ 9:32 AM

In 1977, Roman Polanski was 44-years-old and one of the most prominent directors in Hollywood. In March of that year, during a private photo shoot with a 13-year-old girl named Samantha Gailey, he gave her champagne, quaaludes and a sedative. Then, despite her telling him that she wanted to go home and “no” and “stop” while he forced himself on her, he performed oral sex, intercourse and sodomy on her. To put it another way, he drugged a child then fucked her in the ass while she begged him to stop.

But Whoopi Goldberg thinks we need to relax, because that’s not really “rape”.

“The language that we use here is very important, because, (rape) is not the allegation…
I know it wasn’t rape-rape… All I’m trying to get you to understand, is when we’re talking about what someone did, and what they were charged with, we have to say what it actually was not what we think it was…
Initially he was charged with rape, and then he pled guilty to having sex with a minor, okay. And then he went to jail, and when they let him out, he said “you know what, this guy’s going to give me a hundred years in jail, I’m not staying.” And that’s why he left…
We’re a different kind of society. We see things differently. The world sees 13 year olds and 14 year olds in the rest of Europe… not everybody agrees with the way we see things…”

Ahh, well, okay. Now I feel silly. We can’t judge. He’s from Europe, where fucking children in the ass as they beg for mercy is all the rage. I was holding him to our arbitrary standards of right and wrong. God, I hate me. I’m the worst. I’m gonna send him a gift basket to apologize, then throw a rock at the trouble-making whore Samantha.

(source = newsbusters.  read Samanthas grand jury testimony here)

lindsay is easily impressed

By brendon September 29, 2009 @ 5:07 PM

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Lindsay Lohan is in Singapore today, which pisses me off to no end. How come this bitch gets to go to Singapore? I want to go to Singapore. Jesus, she doesn’t even do anything! Hopefully someone will kidnap her and sell her to a “Taken’-esque white slavery ring, but I’m pessimistic because white slavery is pretty much my answer to everything, and I’ve been burned too many times before.

All she does here is look ugly and watch some street performer do magic tricks. She seem’s impressed, but keep in mind that she’s practically retarded. If she get’s even 1 point dumber she’ll have to be kept on a leash. Too bad this guy didn’t pull a quarter from behind her ear. By tonight she’d be in the ER with her hand and wrist stuck in her ear.  “I thought there might be more.”

(14 more here. hq jump here)

khloe kardashian is not married

By brendon September 29, 2009 @ 3:43 PM

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Even after the wedding ceremony had taken place on Sunday, it still wasn’t clear if Khloe Kardashian (image not available) was legally married to Lamar Odom, because the prenup he insisted on wasn’t yet drafted or signed. Oh but things are clear now. They’re not married, and what took place this weekend was nothing but a TV show.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian are not legally married … and they won’t be until a prenup is signed.
We’ve learned two high-powered family law attorneys are already squaring off, trying to hash out the prenup Odom wants as a condition to marriage. We’re told the negotiations — which began last Friday — are already contentious.
…the couple will tie the knot — legally — once the prenup is inked.

It sounds like that will never happen if the rumors are true. They’ll never agree on a prenup. She reportedly wants 50 percent of his assets in case of a divorce, he wants her to sleep in a metal cage one size too small so she’ll stop growing.

(hq of Kim picking up her dress here.  source = splash news online)

now jon wants to stop the divorce

By brendon September 29, 2009 @ 2:24 PM

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If TLC was having trouble getting Jon Gosselins attention, the announcement this morning that they were taking his name off ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8’ and essentially firing him seemed to do the trick. Just hours after that announcement, Gosselin has apologized for his public behavior and now maybe doesn’t even want to get divorced. PopEater says…

Jon Gosselin is trying to slow down — if not halt altogether — his divorce from Kate Gosselin, telling In Touch Weekly exclusively:
“I regret my conduct since Kate and I separated … I used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women so soon.”
He’s filed paperwork looking to stall the divorce for 90 days “to regain control over the future of our family.”

Someone better fold a piece of paper into a little fan so Kate doesn’t pass out. This silver-tongued devil just swept her right off her feet. If there’s one thing women can’t resist, it’s when their ex is forced to grovel and gives an empty apology, one that goes against everything he’s said and done for the past three months, because he suddenly needs money. That kind of apology is better than diamonds and flowers and puppies combined.

jude law wants a dna test

By brendon September 29, 2009 @ 1:50 PM

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24-year-old model Sam Burke (pictured yesterday in Florida) gave birth to a baby girl last Tuesday, and for months it’s been reported that the father is 36-year-old Jude Law, but now he’s demanding a DNA test. Hopefully through a crooked lab that can be bribed to fix the results. He’s also had meetings with several assassins.

“If he is the father he will meet his obligations to the child. He’s hoping for an early chance to establish that he is genuinely her dad.”
Sam has told friends Jude paid for antenatal care and for the birth, but the friend added: “It was an act of kindness rather than an admission that he was the dad.”
Sam’s representatives are now negotiating a six-figure deal for pictures of the baby, but Jude’s lawyers have asked her not to talk to the media until they agree a financial package if the baby is confirmed as his.

If there were a test to determine that neither one of them should be raising a child, it would be that last paragraph. Just read that out loud. Don’t change a word.

say goodbye to the one on the left

By brendon September 29, 2009 @ 12:28 PM

People Gosselin

I got fired from a volunteer job one time because I kept complaining about everything, but it takes an unprecedented level of jackass to get fired from a job that is based on them. A job built around and named after them. It would be like Darth Vader getting fired from the position of Darth Vader. Hey guess what happened to Jon Gosselin today…

Jon Gosselin’s role on Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being dramatically scaled back and the show will be renamed Kate Plus 8.
Jon’s relationship with TLC has been strained for months and the fallout of Jon’s often bizarre and inappropriate behavior seems to have resulted in the network changing direction.
“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers,” reps for TLC said in a statement.

The ratings for the show have fallen 84 percent since they announced their divorce in June, so something had to be done.  Of course Kate is a mean unlikeable bitch too, so god knows why this would help. They should just do a ‘Lord of the Flies’ thing and abandon the kids on an island and film that. Aaden will be the Piggy of the group. Mady will be the Jack. Don’t be fooled, that bitch is ambitious and will let nothing stand in her way.