Last week the Windows phone girl jumped out of anonymity and into our hearts when someone on twitter told me her name is Christina Cuenca. And after that I got lots of email about other anonymous hot girls, but more than anything else I got this picture. Followed by, “A History of Pictures I’ve Jacked Off To” by The Person Who Wrote You This Email.
Um, I don’t know if there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, but you totally don’t need to tell me those things.
Anyway, it’s Shay Maria. She’s a dancer and a model, in that order. You can follow her on twitter or tumblr.
Normally she yells at me when I post her bikini pictures (because they were just test shots and not meant to be released) but this time she said it was ok. She said, “Well I’m going for a more mature sexy look, not the, ‘hey look at my big titties stuff.” “Ahh yes, I see”, I replied while trying not to get caught looking at her tits.
To recap, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to make a big comeback in the movie Inferno, a bio-pic of 70′s porn star Linda Lovelace. The movie was all set to go, except that it doesn’t own the rights to the story, it doesn’t have financing, or a script, or a cast or a director who has any idea what he’s doing.
But then Lindsay went back to jail and back to rehab and back to jail and back to rehab, and so now the attention whore director has been forced to fire Lindsay and replace with her with Watchmen star Malin Akerman. Though to be honest if Akerman is aware of any of this I’ll be nothing short of stunned.
“We are withdrawing our offer from Lindsay Lohan,” Wilder says.E! “We are currently in negotiations [with another actress] and working out the legalities of bringing her onboard.”
“We have stuck by Lindsay very patiently for a long time with a lot of love and support,” Wilder says. “Ultimately, the impossibility of insuring her—and some other issues—have made it impossible for us to go forward.”
Meanwhile, a source close to Lohan tells E! News the starlet wasn’t happy with the direction of the movie, regardless.
“She wanted them to tone down a lot of the racy scenes”, the source said. “It wasn’t going to be good for her to play someone with substance issues when she is going through her own recovery.”
The good news for Lindsay is that this was never really a job anyway. The bad news is it was the only thing she had to pretend was a job. The even worse news is, every single thing she did in Machete. Lindsay is an absolutely god damn horrible actress now. She can’t even act like a naked slut, despite rehearsing for this role every single day for the past 4 years.
Music awards are dumb in general, music award shows are practically retarded, and music award shows where the winners are determined solely by fan voting are off in the corner putting their dicks in an open light socket.
I give you the 2010 American Music Awards.
Justin Bieber had a perfect debut at the American Music Awards, winning all four awards he was nominated for: entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for “My World 2.0.”
“This means the world to me,” said Bieber after winning breakthrough artist. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible.”
Woww. 30,000. I guess this really IS an amazing story of overcoming adversity. Is it even listed on maps? They should leave that Survivorman guy there for a week, leave him to forage for breakfast at the Hampton Inn in this desolate wilderness with only 2 Starbucks, one of which… is inside Target! Dun-dun-dun!
Kelly Brook was at the Playboy Energy Drink launch at the Funky Buddha in London last night in this fantastically tight dress, and apparently she got a short hair cut at some point. And, I’m as shocked as anyone, but HOLY SHIT does she look good. Girls always – ALWAYS – look better with long hair, but she looks great like this too. Of course, it’s Kelly Brook. Going from long hair to short on her is like going from a sterling silver Maybach to a sterling silver Maybach that’s low on gas.
Paris Hilton, in front of a camera crew while wearing a diamond Chanel necklace and black stiletto heels, volunteered her time today to help the Hollywood Beautification Team paint over graffiti, some of it tags left by the MS-13 gang. And she wasn’t even scared. She was laughing and smiling the whole time while disrespecting the Maras. She knows they’re too scared to do anything about it. “Them beetches aint gonna sheet, holmes” she probably said, mocking their Latin accents. Daammn. I guess we know who runs the streets of Hollywood, don’t we MS-13.
It’s been two years since Wesley Snipes was convicted of tax evasion, and he’s managed to stay out of jail all this time, but today a judge denied his request for a new trial and ordered Snipes to surrender and begin his sentence. E! says…
“The defendant Snipes had a fair trial,” U.S. District Judge Terrell Hodges wrote in his 17-page ruling. “He has had a full, fair and thorough review of his conviction and sentence by the Court of Appeal; and he has had a full, fair and thorough review of his present claims, during all of which he has remained at liberty.
“The time has come for the judgment to be enforced.”
Translation: the 48-year-old actor needs to report to the U.S. Bureau of Prisons ASAP to begin his 36-month sentence.
OK I have a paralyzing migraine today, so sry the page has been so slow, but I promise the video of Wesleys first 5 minutes in jail, from Opie and Anthonys animation festival with Patrice O’Neal, will make up for it.
GQ has their annual Men of the Year issue out right now, and I haven’t even looked at it because I’m sure it’s a bunch of idiotic choices that don’t make any sense as usual, but one thing they did get right was calling Jimmy Kimmel the best late night host. And he proves it during his interview.
A few excerpts..
Do you think Jay Leno meant it when he said he thought your impression of him was funny?
No. I don’t think he means anything he says.
Do you think Jay was surprised at the ass kicking you gave him when he interviewed you on his show (video)?
And as we talked, I slowly realized the goal [of having me on] was to minimize the damage I’d done and show the audience: Jimmy and Jay are buddies. I hadn’t talked to Jay forever before that call. I talked to him a lot when he was thinking about coming to ABC, and when he took the job at NBC, I never heard from him again. So I decided I wasn’t going to be the jerk that went along with Jay’s scripted comedy bit. I was going to talk about it one way or another. So I felt we’d reached a compromise; Jay would talk about his things, and I would talk about mine. It worked out, I guess.
Are there any lessons to be learned from this?
The lesson is, it pays to be sneaky. [laughs] I think that’s the main thing I learned. That, and don’t trust Jay Leno.
The amazing thing is, Jimmy Kimmel is the nicest guy in the world, so imagine for one second how big of a two-faced jackass you have to be to piss off someone like that to this degree. Kimmel is an man of the people, an Everyday Joe, not like you and Jay Leno, with your gold velor couches and luxurious circular waterbeds, driving around your gated community without a person of color for 20 miles. Me and Jimmy Kimmel hate you so much!
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – opened this morning at 12:01am, and based on pre-ticket sales it has a shot at breaking The Dark Knights 158 million dollar opening weekend record. It’s made around 30 million already, but the entire weekend is expected to be packed with loser nerds in Harry Potter costumes, and me showing them what real power looks like in my Gandolf outfit. (deadline)
TOM HARDY – is all set to play the villain in the third Christopher Nolan Batman movie, and though it’s not known which one, the best current guess is it will be Dr. Hugo Strange, “a genius, mad scientist who becomes obsessed with Batman, learns his secret identity and ends up dressing up like him.” Maybe someone just try shooting him like 300 times. With a gun. I feel like that would work. (batman news)
THE SCHICK HYDRO GIRL – is Saras Gil, though I can barely even confirm that she exists. She’s 24, lives in Barcelona, I think. And that’s about it. I was amazed at how many emails came in about this chick, but I’m not here to judge. I jacked off to a constellation once, so, hey, whatever man. (youtube)