As beautiful as she is talented

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 12:26 PM

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Paris Hilton is in Cannes this week, and it’s important to remember that Cannes is the worlds most prestigious film festival, but also a town that’s open to the public.  The US is on friendly terms with France, so you can just go there if you want.  So just because she’s near the film festival doesn’t mean anyone invited her to do … whatever it is she does.  If Hollywood was a gang bang porno, Paris Hilton would be the guy in the corner frantically rubbing his balls, desperate to get enough momentum going so he can get in on the action.  Alas…

(image source = splash)

Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 10:28 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot who needs to constantly be told how awesome she is, so is it any surprise she insisted that the director of her new movie judge her tits before filming a nude scene? The Sun UK says…

“Two Lovers” director JAMES GRAY revealed that Gwyn asked him to come to her trailer where she peeled off, to allay worries that having two kids had taken its toll on her.
He said: “Gwyneth told me ‘I don’t care about nudity, I’ll give you everything you need. But I’ve had two children and I just don’t think they look very good any more. Do me a favour, come into my trailer and I’ll show them to you and if you think they look OK I’ll do it.’ So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”

So are they great or did he just tell her they were great. Sounds like he just told her what she wanted to hear so he could leave. Which is understandable. I’d rather be alone with my foot stuck in rocks at the bottom of the ocean than with Paltrow as she fishes around for compliments.

(uncensored picture here, if you’re into that sort of thing)

Fergie is bisexual, gross

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 8:36 AM

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These “I’m a bisexual and make out with girls” stories are hot when it’s people like Angelina or Megan Fox telling them, or even Lindsay if you imagine her between the legs of someone other than that bug eyed mess she was hittin, but all that comes to a crashing halt when it’s Fergies leathery ass telling it. The Sun says…

The BLACK EYED PEAS singer (reveals) that she is bisexual. “Put it this way, I’ve experimented definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend.” The 34-year-old star explained: “You’ll like our next video, for I Got A Feeling, because I have a little girl-on-girl tease section of the video.
“I met the girls right before we did the scene.
“They were beautiful. They were hot.
“One of them was the director’s girlfriend — so he was happy!”

Ewwww. Picture the exact scenario she described: some fug mess with leathery old skin inspecting the sexy young girls in bikinis before the action starts. Sounds more like prostitution, or what those fat oil sheiks do before they buy kidnapped sex slaves. Rawr, how Sexy! Fergie sure is sexy!

(and yes she looks okay in the banner picture because i didn’t wanna fug up the page, but she also looks like this and this, so let’s not get carried away)

When the hell did this happen

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 5:32 AM

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I wish there was some way to cleanly edit out the little kid from this picture of Miley Cyrus in a bikini while at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas this weekend. But it’s a hot picture because she looks all sassy. Miley, not the kid. Let’s just pretend for one second that you’re supposed to be staring at high res pictures of a 16-year-olds ass in a bikini, and we’ll do that because pretending is fun, just like staring at a 16-year-olds ass in a bikini, but there’s really no way to explain why you have a picture of a little kid in a bikini. At best your explanation would be that your erection was in honor of the other underage girl, but the cops will still just focus on the mostly naked kid. Sounds like they’re the perverts, not me.

Portman says he’s not hittin it

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 1:17 AM

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For weeks it’s been rumored that Natalie Portman is doin it with Sean Penn, and if true the affair may have even been a factor in Penns wife filing for divorce, but Natalie would like to make it clear that this all propaganda and lies spread by enemies out to destroy her.

Sean Penn is a friend and colleague. The reports that we are romantically involved are completely untrue. I normally do not respond to rumors about my private life, however, this repeatedly fabricated story has forced me to do so.”

Hmm, interesting. So she felt the need to address this rumor because it was false, and yet she says nothing about rumors she broke into my house with a gun and used me as her sexual plaything. You do the math.

Justin Timberlake is screwed

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 2:45 PM

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A woman named Alison McDaniel filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against Justin Timberlake and three of his business partners today, the highlight of the suit being her claim that during her time as a manager in Timberlakes New York City restaurant, she was locked in a room with two male managers as they watched porn and laughed at her when she started to cry.  Umm, yeah, yeah that should do it.  The Daily News says…

McDaniel claims Timberlake business partners Eytan Sugarman and Ronnie Kaplan are guilty of “vile and discriminatory conduct.”
McDaniel, 29, said her job as general manager became an X-rated nightmare in which she was spit on, pelted with expletives and subjected to porn.
“In at least one instance, defendants Sugarman and Kaplan viewed … pornography while in a locked room with McDaniel and made fun of her when she began crying,” the suit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court claims.
McDaniel, who worked at the Second Ave. restaurant for a year, was fired after she wrote a memo complaining of the harassment, the suit claims.

Her claims are almost hard to believe because the scenario she describes with the porn is so outlandishly, unthinkably illegal.  Her lawyer probably saw nothing but a talking bag of money sitting across the desk when Allison explained all this.

Mariah Carey is a mess

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 11:14 AM

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Mariah Carey has the same two dresses in 1500 colors, and today she wore Dress 2 (Dress 1 is the one with the slit all the way up the leg) in France at the Cannes Film Festival, and for her sake she better have someone who can tell her to never do this again. Mariah is 40 pounds overweight and built like she’s filled with sand, so when all that gets shoved into a snakeskin dress five sizes too small it looks like a python is eating a gorilla. I can’t imagine that’s what she wanted.

(image source = splash)

I hope you die

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 8:33 AM

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I’ve seen Marisa Millers husband a hundred times, and every single time I wanna throw a hammer at his stupid hipster face. What kind of dullard still thinks that haircut is cool? It’s cool in the same sense that a cartoon about a penguin in sunglasses is cool. I’m not even positive what the fuck that means but I’m pretty sure it makes sense.

(image source = mavrix)