Thursday headlines, with the voluptuous Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 4:17 PM

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TOM SIZEMORE – has been questioned by the LAPD about the disappearance of a 25-year-old girl named Megan Wren. Police think Sizemore might know something because he was friends with the girl, perhaps her boyfriend, and also because he’s genuinely crazy. Really, they should question him anytime anyone goes missing, whether he knew them or not. (e!, lapd missing persons blog)

CHELSEA HANDLER – made a seemingly harmless joke about Kirstie Alley being fat, and that’s apparently mean, despite the fact that Kirstie Alley is really fat. Are we all supposed to pretend like she isn’t? Screw that, she’s a monster. If she died today I wouldn’t know whether to call the coroner or a taxidermist. (popeater)

X-MEN FIRST CLASS – has their first movie clip up, with Charles Xavier and Mystique in a meeting at the CIA. Then some X-Menning goes on, and then Charles asks, “How’s that for a magic trick?” And the answer is, “Not very good”, because we saw how the girl did it. (yahoo)

GWYNETH PALTROW – decided her chest plate was sexy and showed it off last night in London at the National Movie Awards. If she were as pale as she normally is she’d look like a racquetball wall in a dress. (getty)

Jennifer Aniston might be topless in another movie

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 2:33 PM

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A trailer for ‘Horrible Bosses’ has arrived (embed copy here, 1080 copy here) and it’s hard not to be impressed by the awesome cast, including Kevin Spacey, Jason Bateman, a very funny Colin Farrell, and best of all Charlie Day, who is completely fucking awesome.

And that’s it. That’s everyone who is any good. Unfortunately Jennifer Aniston is in it too and getting all the attention because she acts kind of slutty, and reportedly even shot a topless scene. Which doesn’t mean we’re going to see her topless, mind you.

“Producers aren’t sure if they’ll use it. They filmed it two ways: In one, you see Jen’s face and boobs in the same shot. In another, the audience might think it’s a body double.”

Of course this would be the second time that’s happened, because she had a topless scene in ‘The Break Up’ that was cropped to essentially just show her face (uncropped nsfw screencap of that here).

So really who cares because her tits aren’t that great and she’s not sexy anyway. In the trailer she licks a popsicle and a hot dog and sort of blows a banana, but not really. Like, a quarter inch of it goes in her mouth. I could get more of my dick in her mouth even if she didn’t want me too, just by tackling her in the street.

Read more >

Hayden Panettiere is single too

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 1:29 PM

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Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko also announced that they’ve broken up today after dating for the past two years, but since I don’t care about that in any way, here’s 47 more pictures of Bar Refaeli in a bikini. You can skip these if you wan’t, but then you won’t see the thrilling conclusion and know what happens when Bar sits down, and only then realizes she wants something to drink! What will she do!

SPOLIER ALERT – she goes and gets it.

(image source = splash news)

Bar Refaeli and Leonardo Dicaprio broke up

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 12:51 PM

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Leonardo DiCaprio and supermodel Bar Refaeli have dated since 2005 (other than a short break up in 2009), but havent been seen together lately, and won’t be again anytime soon, according to the New York Post.

The pair broke up late last week after going through a rough patch. “It was amicable, they’re still friends and they are still talking,” said a source close to the couple. “They just grew apart and went their separate ways,” the source said, adding that there was no one else involved in the breakup.

I know of no better way to commemorate this momentous occasion than with lots of pictures of Bar in bikinis. I probably don’t have much of a chance of dating her of course, but maybe we could compromise and she could let me peer in at her from the window. That seems reasonable.

(image source = splash news)

Jessica Alba is in a bikini, but still pregnant

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 9:19 AM

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Everyone agrees that pregnant chicks are creepy looking, if not outright disgusting, but what if that pregnant chick is Jessica Alba, one of the hottest girls ever, and she’s in a bikini? Because Jessica was in a bikini yesterday down in Mexico. What about then?

The surprising answer is that it’s still gross, because even though her tits have doubled in size, which is good, the right one now has these big veins in it, which is bad. It makes you wonder if her husband, who has been watching his gorgeous wife morph into this monster because there’s a parasite inside of her feeding of it’s host and stealing her beauty, only brought her to that filthy shit hole in hopes she got poisoned. So he’s filling empty smartwater bottles from a hose in some filthy neighborhood and giving it to her, and secretly ordering lots of food with raw fish and beef. If so it’s the only admirable thing he’s ever done.

(image source = splash news)

Katie Holmes is or is not pregnant

By brendon May 11, 2011 @ 6:10 PM

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Even though OK! magazine is about to run a cover story with a picture of Katie Holmes and the word “official” and an exclamation point in big letters above “Yes, I’m pregnant” in quotation marks, a rep for Tom Cruise was insisting today that she’s not, which is the same thing Katie was saying yesterday.

So are Tom and Katie lying or is OK simply wrong? Or is OK maybe the ones who are lying? Or maybe Tom got an editor at OK pregnant and this is her way of telling Katie. Jesus Christ, these magazines are complicated.

Ginger Spice is a good bikini model

By brendon May 11, 2011 @ 5:20 PM

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Geri Halliwell is modeling her own line of bikinis that launch this summer, and even though she’s 38 now, she’s still fantastic looking and hotter than most girls half her age in my book. My book is called, “Times I Exaggerated Because A Girl Had Big Tits”.

the Lindsay Lohan crime spree legal timeline

By brendon May 11, 2011 @ 3:22 PM

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Lindsay Lohan made her tenth court appearance in 12 months today to answer for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store in February and repeatedly violating her probation. And since that’s pretty bad, the judge came down hard this time, grounding Lindsay at home for two whole weeks. She will not, however, be spending any time in jail.

To recap how we got here and her long history of generally acting like she’s above the law and the courts in LA agreeing with her, let’s start at the begining:

October 4, 2005: Lindsay, then 19, crashes her Mercedes into the passenger side of a van that was pulling into traffic in West Hollywood. Lindsay, her passenger and the driver of the van were briefly hospitalized for minor injuries. She is not ticketed.

Jan. 4, 2006: tells Vanity Fair she has an eating disorder and has used drugs.

July 26, 2006: Lindsay is hospitalized for “heat exhaustion” while filming ‘Georgia Rule’, though it’s widely assumed she’s actually just hungover and/or still drunk. The movies producer writes an open letter telling her to knock it off.

Dec. 1, 2006: Lindsays mom tells Ryan Seacrest that Lindsay is in AA, but not because she has a problem. She says Lindsay only goes to meetings to hang out with her friends.

Dec. 12, 2006: Lindsay tells People she’s been in AA for a year and hasn’t had a drink in a week.

January 17, 2007: checks into drug rehab for the first time.

February 16, 2007: checks out of rehab, immediately goes to a bar until 4am.

March 6, 2007: is taped using cocaine in the bathroom of a London club.

March 16, 2007: parties and drinks champagne at a club in New York. She’s still underage at this point.

May 15, 2007: reportedly stole over $10,000 in clothes and jewelry from a 22-year-old model named Lauren Hastings.

May 26, 2007: is arrested for drunk driving after crashing her Mercedes convertible in Beverly Hills at 5:30am. She then left the scene of the accident. Police also found a “usable” amount of cocaine in her car. It’s her third car crash in two years.

May 28, 2007: checks into drug rehab for the second time.

July 2, 2007: turns 21, the legal age to drink.

July, 14, 2007: checks out of rehab. The next day she goes to Vegas and parties at Pure.

July 24, 2007: while high on cocaine, Lindsay goes on a high speed chase down Pacific Coast highway in a stolen GMC Denali, with the owner and two of his friends still in it, reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour, that ends when the woman whom Lindsay is chasing (her ex-assistant) calls Santa Monica police because she thinks Lindsay is going to kill her. Lindsay is arrested on five counts, including driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of narcotics. Police again find cocaine, this time in her pocket. Lindsay tells police they aren’t her pants. She also tells police that she wasn’t the one driving, and blames it on, “the black kid.”

July 25, 2007: checks into drug rehab for the third time.

August 3, 2007: a report says Lindsay lost a Louis Vuitton endorsement deal because she kept stealing their clothes during photo shoots.

August 23, 2007: Lohan gets charged with seven misdemeanor counts for her two DUI arrests earlier that year. She reaches a plea deal, saying she would spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug-treatment program. Lohan is placed on 36 months’ probation and required to complete an 18-month alcohol-education program and pay a $300 fine.

October 5, 2007: checks out of rehab for the third time.

November 15, 2007: begins her 1 day jail sentence, her punishment for geting two DUI’s just two months apart, including the car chase in a stolen car while drunk and high on coke. She’s released 84 minutes later due to overcrowding.

December 31, 2007: a video shows Lindsay drinking straight from a bottle of champagne while partying in Italy.

May 6, 2008: steals an $11,000 fur coat from a party in New York; is later photographed wearing it.

October 22, 2008: a civil lawsuit is filed against Lindsay by the three people who were in the GMC Denali during her July 24, 2007, DUI arrest.

March 13, 2009: a warrant for her arrest is issued because Lindsay keeps skipping her court-ordered counseling sessions. This is a direct violation of her probation.

March 16, 2009: the warrant is recalled after Lindsay’s lawyer clears up the “misunderstanding.”

June 16, 2009: after Lindsay does a photo shoot for Elle magazine, $400,000 in diamonds that were used in the shoot are missing.

October 16, 2009: Lohan shows up more than an hour late to a probation hearing in Beverly Hills for a progress review on her two DUI cases. She has yet to complete the alcohol counseling program she was ordered to attend in August, but is given another year to do so. The judge warns Lindsay she will go to jail if she keeps skipping meetings and “thumbing her nose” at the court.

February 22, 2010: Lindsay admits to using cocaine.

April 14, 2010: skips a deposition related to the DUI civil suit to go shopping.

April 21, 2010: misses a second deposition related to civil suit; says she couldn’t get a ride to court by 10am. The night before she was photographed leaving a club at 2:30am.

April 23, 2010: named a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex, is later photographed wearing it.

April 30, 2010: has yet to complete her alcohol education classes, which is a violation of her probation. She now has 8 days to complete her final 4 classes. These are the same classes she was ordered to attend in August of 2007. She was given 18 months to attend 13 classes. She’s attended 9 in three years.

May 4, 2010: shows up 22-minutes late for the third attempt at the civil-case deposition; was at Chateau Marmont the night before until 2am.

May 19, 2010: with 3 more alcohol education classes yet to be completed and only one day to do it, Lindsay goes to France and stays for almost a week. Claiming that her passport was stolen and then that there were no flights back to America, she misses another court date. This is a direct violation of her probation.

May 24, 2010: back in court, Lindsay is not sent to jail after repeatedly violating her probation, but instead is made to wear a bracelet to detect alcohol, a ban on drinking and random weekly drug testing.

June 8, 2010: her alcohol monitor bracelet goes off, indicating that Lindsay is drinking or that she’s trying to disable it. An arrest warrant is issued, but she posts a $200,000 bail before it is carried out.

July 6, 2010: Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab for violating her probation and skipping her alcohol education classes. “I did everything that I was told to do and did the best I could,” Lindsay tells the judge. She has “fuck u” written on her nails at the time.

July 20, 2010: Lindsay begins her 90 day jail sentence. 12 days later, she’s released due to overcrowding.

August 2, 2010: begins her court ordered 90 day drug rehab. 23 days later, she’s released.

August 26, 2010: is given stricter probation terms, including random drug testing.

August 30, 2010: is pulled over after running a stop sign on her way to a bar. She is not ticketed.

September 17, 2010: fails a drug test, testing positive for cocaine. This is a direct violation of her probation.

September 24, 2010: instead of going to jail, Lindsay is fitted with another alcohol detection bracelet and released until a full hearing for her parole violation.

October 22, 2010: is given yet another warning by a judge, and instead of jail, is again sent to rehab for 90 days. The judge warns that if she drinks or violates her probation in any way, she will be sent to jail for 180 days. Later, her probation report would reveal that Lindsay drank while in rehab and tested positive for alcohol use one month after leaving rehab. No charges are ever filed.

December 12, 2010: Lindsay is allegedly caught sneaking out of rehab and going to a bar, and then hits the rehab staff member who confronts her.

January 3, 2011: Lohan finishes her fourth stay in rehab and moves into an apartment in Venice, California.

January 4, 2011: The Riverside County Sheriff’s Department determine that Lohan violated probation during her time in rehab by leaving the property, drinking, and assaulting a staff member. No charges are ever filed.

January 22, 2011: Lohan goes to a jewelry store with a friend who distracts the clerk while she steals a $2,500 necklace.

February 9, 2011: Lohan is charged with felony grand theft.

April 22, 2011: Lindsay is found guilty of violating her probation and sentenced to 120 days in jail. Her sentence will begin at the conclusion of her grand theft trial.

May 11, 2011: Lindsay pleads no-contest to her theft charges, but is not given any additional jail time, and instead of beginning her 120 day sentence for parole violation, she will likely be allowed to serve that sentence at home with an electronic monitor (that decision will be made when she reports for jail on June 17th) , and WILL STILL GET RELEASED EARLY DUE TO PRISON OVER CROWDING, even though she’s not actually in prison. Because of this, she will only “serve” about 14 days, and those will be at her condo near the beach.

So after all that, for all the stuff in that list, all the theft and carjacking and kidnapping and DUI’s and cocaine and parole violations and lying to police and blatantly ignoring the court, Lindsay has spent about two weeks in jail. Over the same span I’m pretty sure I’ve spent more time on hold with directv than that.