jessica simpson seems flattered

By brendon February 11, 2010 @ 1:21 PM

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Black and white alike all hate John Mayer now after his comments about women and race were published in Playboy yesterday. The only person who seems happy about it is Jessica Simpson in this TMZ video, because him saying she was a tiger in the sack is the best press she’s gotten in about two years. Still, it’s nice to see the races come together and agree on something, in this case that John Mayer is a jackass when he tries to be introspective. Beating up John Mayer could be the bridge that brings black and white together. That rock doesn’t care what color you are, my brothers.

what a sexy girl

By brendon February 11, 2010 @ 10:00 AM

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Lady Gaga was in New York last night to play a party for amfAR, hosted by M.A.C, and out of all her crazy looks, this is the one I hope catches on. I like girls who look like they have some horrible plague-like infection and boils all over their face. And dull brown teeth with ghostly white skin, almost as if they just punched their way out of a grave. It taps right into my primal sexuality, turning me into more animal than man.

what in the hell is that

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 6:20 PM

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You may find this hard to believe, but Debbie Gibson put on a bikini for the new InTouch magazine (full size picture here), not as some kind of warning, but because she’s happy with the way she looks.

“I’m at 114 pounds. I was okay at my previous weight, but I felt like my inner diva did not match my outer diva.”
“I feel hotter and more in control. It’s even improved my sex life. You shouldn’t get your whole self-worth from how you look, but at 39, I think it’s okay to focus on the outside a bit if it makes you feel good.”

I don’t feel so good. Honestly, if not for her smile and the beach, this picture would look like something submitted into evidence at some sort of abuse or kidnapping trial.

ok! magazine is deceptive

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 5:38 PM

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Kendra Wilkinson is having a rough week. On Sunday her husband had on on-sides kick bounce off his face in the SuperBowl, and now people are noticing how suspiciously good she looks on the cover of OK! magazine, considering she gained 55 pounds for a pregnancy that ended 8 weeks ago with a c-section.

That mutant baby is already a third her size, and that monster was inside of her until they cut her open and pulled it out. He’s the size of her entire torso, it would be like pulling a turkey out of a sock, she should have died, but according to OK it didn’t even leave any scars. They did this same thing with Kourtney Kardashian two weeks ago. Now I don’t know what to think. What about the Bachelor? Did he find love? Will Jens slim secrets be revealed? This is madness! I don’t even know what’s real anymore!

john mayer really is an asshole

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 4:15 PM

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The vast majority of John Mayers Playboy interview (now online at Playboy.com) is made up of the reporter occasionally interrupting while Mayer composes a love letter to himself. The Jessica Simpson stuff has already been covered, but Mayer goes on to explain why he’s great in many many other ways, including why black people love him so very, very much.

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”
PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.
MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.
PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?
MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

Stuff like this is why everyone hates white people. John Mayer does not have a hood pass. He has a pass to hang out with other rich people, who occasionally are black. White people like this treat the hood like a unicorn. It’s something they’ve heard about but never seen. But Unicorns have horns, which nature only puts there to be a weapon, and they’d probably stab you in the fucking heart with it. I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with black guys in the hood but I’m pretty sure it’s something.

i wish i was in an earthquake

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 2:32 PM

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Angelina Jolie is in Haiti today to visit earthquake victims in her role as a goodwill ambassador for the UN, casting further doubt on my theory that this Haiti thing was just a viral ad campaign for the bluray release of ’2012′.

The actress has determinedly pushed aside speculation about her relationship with Brad Pitt by flying out to the disaster zone to offer comfort to the traumatised victims of one of the world’s worst-ever natural disasters.
Ange, who said she was in Haiti to “listen and to learn,” visited medical centres, the UN mission and met with vulnerable children.
She also visited a cash-for-work programme run by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) in the Carrefour district of Port-au-Prince, which is enabling Haitians to earn an income as they help their country to recover.
She said: “To give people the ability to work towards their own future is so important at this time. It helps to restore their hope and respects their dignity.”

I really admire that kid in the banner picture. The way he’s sittin there in his underwear. I would have been all shy but that kid knows you gotta go for it in life. It’s unlikely anything was gonna happen of course, but Angelina is nuts, so, you know, maybe.

jessica simpson is awesome in bed

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 12:14 PM

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This Jessica Simpson story from John Mayer (as told to Playboy, recapped here by Us.com) is way hotter if you ignore what she looks like now and remember what she looked like then. Back when she was Daisy, as in Duke, instead of Glazy, as in Donut.

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) “a drug.”
“And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them,” he says, adding, “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.”
“Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say,” he continues. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.’”

Damn. Just … damn. Jessica was everything a girl should be. Short, long hair, huge breasts. I would have fucked the old Jessica so hard she would have looked like a unicorn.

new and improved heidi wants to do playboy again

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 10:43 AM

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The last time Heidi Montag was in Playboy, the pictures were about as erotic as shark attack photos, but that was before she got DDD implants. She had to buy the implants, but the self-confidence that came along with them was free (hint-hint ladies). MSNBC says…

“Heidi would love to do another (Playboy) cover,” said a source who’s exceedingly close to the couple.
Montag’s first Playboy pose, back in September, was conservative by some standards, but part deux stands to be a little more risqué.
“She is currently speaking with (Playboy photographer) Matthew Rolston (about) a steamy, soapy, shower concept showing her boobs through the shower door
“She could use the money, and she’s finally ready to pose topless, so she is negotiating with the magazine.”

She really could use the money because despite what she wants you to believe, she doesn’t have any. This is where she lives, so that shower door better be made out of a magnifying glass if she expects to get the 1 million she’s asking for. Otherwise, I wouldn’t pay Heidi one million dollars unless her naked pictures were printed on the back Megan Fox’s naked pictures.