todays top story

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 4:58 PM

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Jayde Nicole, star of “the Hills”, Playboy, and my erotic fantasies, wore some cruelty-free bikini to hand out vegetairan hot dogs today on Capitol Hill, apprently under the impression that getting Senators to masturbate will somehow fix whatever it is the hippies are complaining about now.

On the other side is a close up of Jayde from the waist down (not my edit, I’d like to add). The pic is taken slightly from the right, but don’t bother moving to the left and trying to see her kitty. I just ended up running in circles, convinced if I moved left faster it would work. But then as I ran around and around towards the left I got dizzy and fell down and slammed against the counter and I knocked a glass over and it broke and I fell on it and now the doctor says I have hepatitis.

(3 more pics here.  hq jump here.  image source = splash news online)

AnnaLynn McCord is very busy

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 2:09 PM

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AnnaLynne McCord filmed some beach scenes today in LA for the second season of “90210″, and in this picture she seems to be pretending she’s some kind of horsey, and she’s moving her fists up and down like they were hooves. Why is she doing this? What am I, psychic, how the hell would I know? God it never ends with you, always with the questions!

(hq jump here. image source = pacific coast)

Kendra is hot, mistaken

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 1:10 PM

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Last week Kendra was on here because of her kick ass taste of golf outfits, and a few hours later she posted about that on her page. She said I was devastatingly handsome and the thought of me gets her all hot. That was the gist of it. I think. To be honest I didn’t read the whole thing.

Point being, today she answers an email question, “how long should you wait until you have sex?”

Then, presumably because of some computer error, she accidentally writes, “if it takes 5, 10 or even 15 dates, then that is absolutely ok too!”

Obviously that answer is insane. The last girl I was involved with made me wait until the fifth date until she would have sex with me.  Which was extremely frustrating.  Because she was a prostitute.  And then at the end of our sixth date she told me just wanted to be friends.

I learned a valuable lesson.  Women are all nuts of course, but everyone already knows.  No the lesson here was that it should never take more than three dates to have sex.  Three.  That’s the answer.  Anything more is a bad sign.  Actually it’s not a sign, it’s a light.  A green light.  It means get the hell out of there.

Look, we’re not 14 and getting to know the pleasures of life.  When a man and a women are attracted to each other, they have sex.  Period.  I don’t care what you’re insane reason is for not having sex.  I’m not a social worker, I’m not here to help, and whatever it is, I’m 100 percent positive it’s only the tip of your insane iceberg.  It’s not like the penis has a bunch of sharp edges to it.  Sex is fun.  Lighten the hell up.

The kids want to live with Janet

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 11:34 AM

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I think it would be thrilling to grow up in a house with Katherine and Joe Jackson. Because you never know when Joe might punch you in the face or sodomize you. It would make bedtime more exciting! Despite all that, OK magazine says today that Michael Jackson’s kids would rather live with Janet.

Janet Jackson has emerged as the favored caregiver for the three children.
And, sources tell OK!, that appears to be just what Prince, Paris and Blanket want most.“All three want Janet to read to them at night,” a Jackson family friend says. “They just melt into her arms when she walks into the house.”
The feeling is mutual, adds the insider.
“Janet has completely bonded with those children in the last two weeks.”

Hopefully this will work out. And then, maybe after everything has been divided up, they can even get around to burying that guy who died 20 days ago. No rush though. Take your time. Try to make some money off it first. Maybe get a sponsor for his grave, or just sell him to a Russian circus. If that all falls through, why waste money? Just sneak on to an alligator farm one night and throw him over the fence. Then tell us it’s what he would have wanted. “He loved animals.”

(image source = getty. on a side note, how much ass is that oldest kid gonna get? Little bastard is 10 and he looks like James Bond. I don’t like it when little kids are smoother than me. Knock it off punk.)

He was murdered! Or something!

By brendon July 15, 2009 @ 10:17 AM

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Last week Radar Online reported that the LAPD were not prepared to rule out homicide as the cause of Michael Jacksons death. Now TMZ adds, “because it was maybe homicide”.

…the LAPD is already treating Michael Jackson’s death as a homicide, and they are focusing on Dr. Conrad Murray.
…the evidence points to the anesthesia Propofol as the primary cause.
…there is already “plenty of powerful evidence” linking Dr. Murray as the person who administered the drug to Jackson. The evidence includes various items found in Jackson’s house, including the Propofol, an IV stand and oxygen tank.

Is that really “homicide”?  IV’s and oxygen and anesthesia?  I’m not gonna lie to you.  I’ve seen more effective ways of killing someone.  He’s like Wile E. Coyote this guy, with his super complicated plans.  Plan B was to replace Michael’s parachute with an anvil.

This is how you sell magazines

By brendon July 14, 2009 @ 5:42 PM

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Anna Friel has been a working actress for almost 20 years but still no one knows who the hell she is. This summer she starred in “Land of the Lost” and that certainly didn’t help. But posing topless in the new Vanity Fair sure did. Her status has skyrocketed from “Who?” to “That Girl. The One Who Was Topless In That Magazine.  I Had A Dream Where We Did It.”

(oh and Joanna Krupa is in the new Maxim, but all her annoying ass did was talk about how great it is to be naked but then she doesn’t get naked. Look bitch, you brought it up. Make up your mind. Either take off your clothes or shut up about it. Two bigger more pics of her here and here.)

Lady GaGa is sort of an idiot

By brendon July 14, 2009 @ 4:29 PM

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When Charlize Theron guest-starred on “Arrested Development” for 5 episodes, her character had this real quirky fashion style that everyone overlooked because she was so free-spirited. But then it turns out she wasn’t quirky and free-spirited, and was, in fact, retarded.

What do we really know about Lady GaGa?  She’s not retarded is she?  That would explain a lot.  Is there some test we can give her?  Maybe follow her into an elevator with two puppets, a cow and a duck.  Then when you’re alone, put them on and sing, “the duck says mooo and the cow says quack.” And then just wait.

(hq jump here.  source = splash news online)

Christian Bale is doing great

By brendon July 14, 2009 @ 3:59 PM

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Christian Bale lost 63 pounds for his role in the 2004 movie “the Machinist”, then gained 75 in just a few months for “Batman Begins”. Now he’s being all actor-y again and shedding weight for his role as a boxer who gets addicted to hugs drugs in “the Fighter”.

This guy is a real pro. When he takes a part he lives it. That’s why I sent him my script about that guy who punched Perez in the face.

(hq jump = here. source = fame)