afternoon headlines

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 6:33 PM

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STEVE JOBS – has fought a rare form of pancreatic cancer for 7 years, but now reportedly has just 6 weeks to live. It’s not that there isn’t a cure for pancreatic cancer, it’s just that it’s on youtube and he can’t open the file. (the enquirer)

ASHLEY SIMPSON – filed for divorce from Pete Wentz just last week, but she’s been out partying for months, and it got to the point where he felt he couldn’t trust her. Which seems reasonable. Because she’s dumb, and has probably been on the losing end of a roofie more than once. (us)

CHRISSY TEIGEN – and the rest of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models are in Vegas to promote the swimsuit issue, which I bet you never even heard of until this very moment. This Vegas trip really saved the day. (fame)

Justin Bieber was shot to death on CSI

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 4:14 PM







Justin Bieber made his second appearance on CSI last night, playing, “a troubled teen whose brother was killed by the CSI.” In the end, Justin goes looking for a fight, and just like it would in real life, he instantly ends up on his back covered in blood.

The whole thing was ridiculous, mostly because it’s impossible to look tough with that haircut. He might as well have a red top hat and bow tie covered in sequins.

Miley Cryus is furious

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 3:46 PM

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A few days ago, GQ published an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus where he said that he’s scared for his daughter Miley’s future, and that he regrets ever letting her star on Hannah Montana.

In his defense, I wouldn’t have thought she could read either. But either she can or someone summarized it, because Popeater says…

“To say Miley is angry is an understatement,” a friend (says). “She’s furious that her own flesh and blood would make a private matter so public. Who does he think he is, Michael Lohan?”
…(She) is mystified, saying it’s “unforgivable” that Billy Ray would randomly start biting the hand that fed him.
“This isn’t what a father does. He never said a bad world about ‘Hannah Montana’ all those years it made millions for the family, and now that Miley has turned 18 and is making her own decisions, he does this. Unforgivable.”

It’s probably not a good sign that Miley considers herself “the hand that fed” Billy Ray, but whatever. I’m just thankful that all came through an interpretor so we didn’t have to listen to colloquialisms about mules and bumblebees or some shit like that.

Lindsay is officially back to being Lindsay

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 2:18 PM

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Lindsay Lohan spent about 11 weeks in rehab, and has been out for around 6, and even though she’s already managed to get arrested for felony theft, it still didn’t feel like she was back at 100 percent.

Now we’re good. X17 says…

Lindsay went out to get her party on last night, following her ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson to their old stomping grounds – Teddy’s nightclub at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood.
Linds arrived in her rented Porsche at 1:45 am to the parking lot of the hotel, looking for Sam.

A little while later Lindsay got into Sams car and Sam drove her home. Oh, but why didn’t Lindsay drive her car?

“Lindsay didn’t seem straight. She didn’t need to be behind the wheel and Sam always takes care of Lindsay no matter what … Sam feels a responsibility for Lindsay so she told Lindsay she’d drive her home.”

So Lindsay was drunk. What a surprising plot twist that was. Hopefully this felony theft thing will work out and she’ll go to jail for a long time so we don’t have to deal with her. Otherwise I’m just gonna wait until she goes home one night, dig a moat around her house and fill the god damned thing with crocodiles.

its the Britney Spears ‘Hold It Against Me’ video

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 1:10 PM

After weeks of insufferable promotion and teases, Britney Spears finally released her video for Hold It Against Me last night (note: her record label is owned by Sony, in case that wasn’t clear by the 300 times you see the Sony label on screen).

It’s not the greatest video in the world or anything, and very obviously she’s not 19 anymore, but she still must look over at her old rival Christina Aguilera and laugh her ass off. The only way Christina could film a dance video these days is if you filmed it in space.

Cameron Diaz is ripped, ugly

By brendon February 18, 2011 @ 9:43 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Cameron Diaz & Alex Rodriguez Leaving A Gym

Cameron Diaz and her lover Alex Rodriguez spent some time at a gym in Venice yesterday, and HOLY SHIT. I haven’t seen arms that ripped since I looked in the mirror about 10 minutes ago. Now I know what girls must feel like when they see me on the weekends, out on the ranch, with my shirt off, and my sweaty muscles glistening in the sun as I work with abused horses. And they come up and tell me, “wow, those horses sure are lucky to have someone like you.” But you know who the lucky one really is? It’s me, my friends. It’s me.

(image source = flynet)

afternoon headlines

By brendon February 17, 2011 @ 6:24 PM

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SHERLOCK HOLMES 2 – will officially be called, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. A title which is just barely better than having no title at all. (mtv)

CRAIG MORGAN – is a country singer, apparently, and he saved two kids from a house that was on fire. “The lady who owned the home came out with a fire extinguisher. I tried to put it out but it didn’t work.” It was then that the lady told Morgan that her children were inside. But at least she saved the fire extinguisher. (fox)

MEGAN FOX – filmed some snowboarding scenes today for Friends with Kids with Jon Hamm. Needless to say she looked great. Which makes sense considering that she was practically named “Mega Fox”.

JWoww wants to pose for Playboy again

By brendon February 17, 2011 @ 5:38 PM

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Back in September, JWoww was offered $400,000 to pose fully naked in Playboy. Amazingly, and I say that because I assume she’s kind of slutty, she turned it down.

But not for good, as it turns out. E! says…

“…I do feel like it’s a strong thing for women to do. And as long as they cover up certain parts, I’m good,” she laughed. “We have to cover up the vajajay cooka. And then it’s like, Why not? You see my boobs out half the time anyway.”

Yes, exactly. So what’s the point. It’s Playboy. If she’s not gonna take her clothes off, why bother. If strategically placed hands were so great, I could have spent my teens jacking off to ads for dishwashing liquid.

(image source = getty)