Afternoon headlines

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 3:05 PM

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BRITNEY SPEARS – and her agent/boyfriend took to the pool this weekend outside her house in LA.  She’s taken her hair from blond to brown, while he went from brown to blond.  Just imagine all the fascinating conversations these geniuses had about that. (metro)

MICHAEL JACKSON – it’s believed that 12 fans have now committed or attempted suicide since Jackson died on Thursday. This man was barely saved in time:

“He was in a terrible state and kept on saying: ‘It’s all the same to me. I’m going to kill myself. It’s the worst tragedy of my life and I don’t want to live any more. I don’t know why you saved my life, I want to be with him’.”

A report from Tunisia claims a girl took her life as well but that has yet to be verified. Why would they do this? Obviously it’s because their lives are fantastic.  (the sun, e!)

LACEY SCWIMMER – I’m told that Lacey Scwimmer is on “Dancing With The Stars”, though I have no idea what that might mean. All I know for sure is that she turned 21 this weekend, and that if these were any more boring the images would have refused to stick to the film.

Simon Cowell will make 144m

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 1:58 PM

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144 million dollars per season. 144 million. Dollars. One hundred. And forty-four. Million. Dollars.  Per season.  Which is five months long. 144 million dollars for five months.  Five months. One hundred and forty-four million dollars to judge “American Idol”. For five months.

Fuck my life.

EARLY salary figures from Simon Cowell’s ‘American Idol’ contract negotiations are leaking out and they’re eye-popping.
Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount — between $100 million and $144 million per year — by co-producers Fox and 19 Entertainment to stick with ‘Idol’ when his contract expires next May.
While $36 million may seem like a lot of money for five months worth of snarky comments and eye-rolls, it’s only a fraction of the estimated $900 million that ‘Idol’ rakes in a year.”

Hopefully Paula will read this and go to the producers and say she wants 144 million a year too.  If she does do that, cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

This is the real father

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 11:56 AM

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TMZ says now that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of any of his kids, but Us trumps that by claiming they know who the real father is. Arnold Klein, the handsome and presumably stoned devil in the picture above, was Jackson’s dermatologist and the boss of Debbie Rowe, who was the mother of Michael’s kids. Sort of.

“Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the two kids she bore for Michael. All three children were conceived in vitro — outside the womb.
Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate.”

Rowe was married to Michael when she gave birth to his son Michael Jr. (also known as “Prince”), and his daughter, Paris Michael Jackson.  Prince (Michael Jr.) is not to be confused with Michael’s third child, Prince Michael Jackson II.   So the youngest child’s name is Prince but he can’t use it because the other Michael Jackson (the boy, not the girl or dad) is called Prince so Prince is called Blanket.  Rowe gave birth to Prince, but not to Prince.  That mothers identity is still unknown.

It’s like Michael had kids just to declare psychological warfare on them. He probably has a tape waiting for them where he tells them they’re actually robots and not even alive and right outside is a man here to turn them off so they can all be buried together.

Where did Christian Bale go?

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 11:04 AM

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Remember Christian Bale? He was in the Batman movies, and Terminator 4?  And after that he was in talks to star opposite Johnny Depp in “Public Enemies”?  And those talks were successful and he took the part and filmed the movie and it was a really big deal? Well you’d never know that based on the ad campaign, because Bale isn’t in any of the commercials and not on the poster. E! online, is there something you’d like to say?

“Apparently when you have the option of showing Johnny Depp staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic, you don’t need a second actor staring off into the middle distance and looking iconic. Not unless that second person carries the exact same, or better, commercial draw as Johnny Depp.
Christian Bale does not. You may think Bale does. You may want Bale to. You’re wrong.
According to the scale which measures domestic and worldwide actor bankability, Depp is overshadowed only by Will Smith in his ability to get butts in seats. Brad Pitt comes in at No. 3. Bale, who may be a very talented actor, is not so bankable; he is not even in the top 10.”

One of the new commercials even says “Depp. Is. Dillinger.” in three dramatic on-screen cuts, but no mention of Bale.  Nothing.  At all. How can that be?  They still put Cameron Diaz on posters and that fug dipshit hasn’t sold a movie by herself ever.  Posters with her are only good if you need something to point at as you tell the ticket guy, “I don’t know what that one is but if you sell me a ticket for it I will punch you in the face.”

200 million to split up

By brendon June 30, 2009 @ 9:43 AM

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Seemingly every Michael Jackson story for the past five years has mentioned that he’s broke as hell, but the Wall Street Journal says today there will still be hundreds of millions to divide, even after his debt is cleared. So everyone in Michael’s final will please step forward. Not so fast Joe Jackson.

“A will drafted by Michael Jackson in 2002 divides the singer’s estate among his mother, three children and one or more charities… Several people close to the late Mr. Jackson said that a lawyer for the pop singer could submit the will, believed to be his last, to Los Angeles Superior Court as soon as Thursday… Mr. Jackson’s parents said in a Monday court filing that they believed the singer had died without a valid will. Joseph Jackson isn’t believed to be included in the most recent will.”

And the money shot…

“Unwinding Mr. Jackson’s estate is likely to be a thorny challenge, given the size and complexity of both the assets and the debts involved. In all, Mr. Jackson died with around $500 million debt, but the value of his assets probably outweigh that, possibly by $200 million or more, according to people familiar with the matter.”

Hahaha, you suck Joe. You beat the shit out of those kids and now you get nothin. You haven’t even shed a tear since he died. You did but that shit was fake. I know a thing or two about fake crying. Like when that bully said he was gonna beat me up so I rolled into a ball in the dirt and cried and screamed “oh god no please don’t hurt me”, then I gave him my wallet and my shoes and my watch. Then I moved to a different town and changed my name. Well guess what, that watch didn’t even work. What a jackass that guy was!

Joe Jackson is devastated

By brendon June 29, 2009 @ 6:06 PM

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Michaels father Joe Jackson held a press conference with the Rev. Al Sharpton today, and it was every bit the understated and dignified affair as that made it sound. Is that a giant purple gorilla behind them? You know it brother. Fox News says…

“After plugging his record company, Michael Jackson’s father Joe said in a press conference outside his home Monday that the family was planning a large public funeral for the deceased singer.
Joe Jackson says planning for a funeral will await a finding (from a) second autopsy to be conducted on the King of Pop’s body, which they said is already underway.
But Joe Jackson says the funeral will not be closed to the public, as his son would likely have wanted a similar type of service.”

Yeah, when I think about Michael Jackson over the past 20 years, that’s what I picture.  Always out in public, in the middle of big crowds, happy as can be.  He’d also want to charge those people to get in to the funeral.  And he’d be really honored if you were to buy an I Was There t-shirt.  And he would want the concession stand to have a sense of humor, so a small hot dog would be called a “Kids Wiener”, and the “price you have to pay” is 8 million dollars each.  But a large hot dog is $4.50, so it’s just a joke.  You can still get a hot dog at the funeral.

Amy Adams is better like this

By brendon June 29, 2009 @ 3:20 PM

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Amy Adams was the only recognizable name to show up in a bikini this weekend, and you may be wondering if she’s been hiding some amazing hot body all this time. Let me put it this way: No. See for yourself here and here. She can be cute sometimes, but in the wrong dress she’s like something you’d see haunting an Irish castle.

Thankfully someone reminded me about these Naomi Millbank Smith pictures.  Amys pictures had zero percent tits and pigment.  Naomis have about 400 percent.  She’s not really famous yet, but she’s filming her second movie now so maybe she will be soon.  Hopefully she will, because I’m sick of everyone we have now and I could get used to Naomis awesome chest.  I could post a new picture every day and never get bored.  Hell I could draw a new picture every day and never get bored.

7.1.09 UPDATE – amy adams pictures removed by request.

(26 more pics here. hq jump here)

You stay classy OK! magazine

By brendon June 29, 2009 @ 12:37 PM

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The English version of OK! magazine hits today with what they say are the last pictures of Michael Jackson. At first that makes you feel dirty, but then you see they wrote “with all our love and prayers”, in all caps, next to the picture of him dead. I thought that was really touching.

Over here in the colonies, Star magazine says Liza Minnelli is hinting that major revelations about Jackson will come out over the next few days. Try and guess if they’re good.

“Liza was so close to Michael Jackson that he was in her bridal party (for her 2002 wedding to David Gest) and now she hints that there’s inside information about the singer that is going to get out when his autopsy results are released.
‘All those who knew him well really know what he was like, and I’m sure that now the accolades are going and I’m sure when the autopsy comes, all hell’s going to break loose,’ Liza said cryptically. ‘So thank God we’re celebrating him now.’”

She didn’t elaborate further, but I think we can guess. That’s right. Michael Jackson had heat-ray vision and the power of flight.