Afternoon Headlines

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 7:24 PM

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VICTORIA BECKHAM – was in Denver today to fill in for Paula Abdul on the first day of American Idol auditions. New rumors claim Paula may still return if they pay her 10M. To recap: Paula quit late Tuesday night, and by Friday morning the producers had replaced her with someone far smarter, hotter, younger and free. Ahh, well played Paula. I think someone has been reading “The Prince”. (source = the ap)

WILL SMITH AND JADA PINKETT – deny that they are scientologists and say the private school they founded will not teach scientology, but Jada fired the head of the school last week after she complained about the curriculum, and now her replacement is an active scientologist. Conspiracy, or is that just what the aliens want us to think? (source = radar)

HEATHER GRAHAM – is in Barcelona today with her boyfriend, who I heard is gay and/or cheating and/or kills prostitutes. Whichever one might drive her to me faster, that’s the one I heard. (hq jump = here)

Billy Mays really loved drugs

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 6:49 PM

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The toxicology report for Billy Mays, who died on June 28th, has been released, and according to TMZ he had the following drugs in his system when he died:

Hydrocodone (Vicodin), Oxycodone (painkiller), Alprazolam (Xanax), Nordiazepam (Valium), Temazepam (anti-anxiety), alcohol and Benzoylecgonine (a byproduct of cocaine).

As you remember, Billy Mayes was the infomercial guy who was always smiling and screaming and who absolutely could not believe how well this detergent got stains out. Red wine, grape juice, grass stains, even fucking ink were no match for it! Not even fuckin ink! You can pour ink right on this white shirt and grind it in with a muddy shoe, it don’t even matter! One wash later and that shit is like brand fuckin new! Where’s the stain?! Where did it go?! Right to stain fuckin heaven, that’s where, ’cause OxyClean just put a foot up its ass! THIS STUFF TELLS INK TO SUCK IT’S DICK! Stains better fuckin run when they see a box of motherfuckin OxyClean walk in the house!

Anyway, his wife has issued a statement saying how upset she is about this “speculative” report being released. And she’s right. I mean if they have any real evidence that he was on stimulants, I’d love to see it.

Ashley Hartman is more like it

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 5:21 PM

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Ashley Hartman is in Hawaii today, looking terrific in this kick ass bikini.  If you don’t remember, she used to be on the “O.C.”, but unfortunately things have been a little quiet since then. I offered to make a sex tape with her to get some publicity but she said no and that things like that were beneath her. It was sad really. Seems like Ashley has a lot of growing up to do.

(hq jump here. 14 more here. source = splash news online)

Kristin Cavallari is lazy

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 3:54 PM

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Kristin Cavallari went to the beach in Malibu yesterday, but it would have been better if she had gone down to Manhattan or one of the more popular beaches like that. Because maybe they would have someone even more plain and boring than she is, and she could go stand by them. Then by default Kristin would seem somewhat animated and interesting.

Hey there Britney. Whats up.

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 3:41 AM

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Britney posed poolside in LA yesterday for a photoshoot, and all things considered she looked pretty terrific. She’s really come a long way with her self control. Unlike me. I spent all last night in the bathroom crying and carving “fatty” into my arm!  God I am so fat!

(hq jump here. 46 more, kind of, here. source = fame)

Unfortunately she turns around

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 2:57 AM

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I can’t live your life for you, but if you’re so obsessed with naked girls that you’ll even look at Kate Moss pictures, you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask if that’s really the kind of person you want to be. Or just sit there and look at the pictures. Whatever man it’s your life.

(hq jump here. all the pics on the other side. picture source = fame)

Read more >

Cause of death is almost official

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 2:55 AM

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After much speculation, law enforcement officials say there is essentially no doubt that Michael Jackson was killed by Dr. Conrad Murray after he injected Jackson with a lethal cocktail of powerful sedatives. The AP says…

…the type of sedatives Dr. Murray gave Jackson were benzodiazepines, often used to calm patients before surgery. Murray told investigators the doses were within normal medical guidelines, said the official, who spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing.
Even at acceptable levels, benzodiazepines can intensify how the anesthetic propofol depresses breathing, so strict monitoring and careful dosing is required. The balance can be tricky, a slip-up disastrous.

Murray denies giving Jackson multiple drugs, and unless law enforcement can prove he did or at least knowingly gave him drugs that would react in combination with other drugs already in Jacksons system, there may be no way to prosecute him for Jackson’s death.

If a twice-delayed final toxicology report reveals an array of drugs, the answer to the simple question “What killed Michael Jackson?” will become a complex medical and legal dispute, especially if authorities can’t prove Murray knew everything Jackson was taking. That would complicate any prosecution.
If the results show “a bunch of stuff together, unless one of them is sky high it’s going to be really tough to give the cause of death to one drug.”

Day 44 since he died by the way. Still no plans to bury him. Too much trouble I guess. The Jacksons will probably wait a few more weeks for things to cool down, then put a beard and mustache on him and throw him in front of someone’s car on the 405. It’s highway patrols problem now.

There. Are you happy now.

By brendon August 07, 2009 @ 2:50 AM

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I would rather investigate gunfire from my childs bedroom than whether or not Lady GaGa has a penis, especially since this quote is at least a year old. But for whatever reason it’s been rediscovered and is everywhere today, so this is what she allegedly once said.

“It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and really doesn’t interfere much with my life. The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on, it’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big fucking deal.”

I don’t know where this notion came from that I have some roster of noteworthy hermaphrodites, but I have no idea if she has a penis or not. The gif I made (no need to thank me) is from this video and everyone says you can see it there. People on her message board have talked about it, but finding a reputable source is tough.  Especially since I barely even tried.

Lots of websites have posted it but sometimes the internet lies. Like once someone broke into my house and I was very frightened so I signed up for BigTitPatrol.com.  The website claims they’re “enforcing the law with big natural tits”, but if you read the fine print you’ll discover these girls have no actual legal authority. This despite countless pictures that clearly show them sexily arresting people.  The whole thing is very deceptive.