I have no idea what “board feed” is, but Howard Stern somehow got the raw board feed of Beyonce live on the Today show, performing that song she stole from that hot blond chick (this one), and it’s hard to even imagine anyone has ever been worse at anything than Beyonce is at singing. Which is amazing because imaging things is very easy. Like, imagine you were a knight with a sword fighting a dragon on the moon. It might not be much but there’s at least a picture in your mind, right? Now imagine anyone worse than Beyonce. Nothin, right?
Lindsay went shopping yesterday with her sister Ali (is she still trying to be famous? I feel bad for her. Wait, no, I meant to say, “I feel mad at her.” Go away rat-face), and the Daily Mail thinks you shouldn't be able to see her rib cage like this.
Her cream halter-neck sundress hung off her rail-thin frame with the cut-away back revealing her protruding ribcage and sinewy arms. The 22-year-old looked on edge during the outing, clutching a can of Coca-Cola and biting her finger nails as she stopped to try on reading glasses at an optometrist.
Why is it necessarily bad that you can see her ribs? Maybe she just has big ribs, and would appreciate people not pointing it out like this. Jeez Daily Mail, why not just go up to a short guy and say, “Hey what’s with the height?” Look at Jesus. You could see his ribs, and everyone thought he was terrific.
(image source = splash. Speaking of, I really hope this guy is with Lindsay in some way, because otherwise he just followed them out of the mall to their car. Which is how like 70 percent of all rape stories begin. The other 30 start with, “Andy Richter may seem nice on TV…”)
Yeah, she’s drowning in semen. You're saying she's a whore. We get it. “Just Got Laid” hair in the picture and “drowning in semen”. Relax. Seriously, “drowning in a sea of men”? Who says that? What, is Robert Frost over there now? Why not just go all the way? Add some quotes like, “You should cum, swallowing hors d'oeuvres will make you feel better.”
Would you rather fuck Helen Mirren or Kirsten Dunst? I can’t even begin to guess under what circumstances it might happen, but I really hope Helen Mirren (seen here at yesterdays London premier of “Dumbly Named Movie”) never hits on me, because I think I would fuck her. I don’t really want to but her tits are just awesome. There’s no question I would hit that before Dunst. Of course I would hump a roaring camp fire before I did that baby-toothed cadaver, so this might not be the greatest comparison in the world.
Let’s just put our cards on the table, shall we: Kim Kardashian is not a size 2. As was plainly obvious yesterday when she wore spandex to a nail salon in Beverly Hills. You could take all the material from a size 2 pair of jeans, double it, double that and then add a poncho and you might – might – be able to fit it around that ass.
I know people thought I was screwing around on April 1 when I said Lindsay was getting serious offers to film and sell a sex tape. She was, and she still is, and she’s still saying no and yet the parties involved still think she’ll do it, sooner than later, with the right guarantees. In the meantime, you can maybe go to Vegas if you’re in such a hurry to see her tits.
Lohan flew from Los Angeles to Las Vegas on Saturday on the private plane of the producer of Mel B. and Kelly Monaco's "Peepshow" to attend the grand opening of the sexy striptease production, but made the trip more importantly because she had a meeting scheduled with (the) director. "Peepshow" is designed to have rotating leads and according to very close inside sources, Lohan is in official negotiations to take over from Monaco. "If they make me an offer and the money's right, I'll do it."
Lohan has denied this on E!, but says a guest appearance, "would be fun." And as if falling from A-List movie star to negotiating for a topless Vegas show in three years isn’t bad enough, “apparently it’s a toss between Lohan, Holly Madison and Brooke Burke”. Holy Christ, how embarrassing. That’s like Michael Jordan showing up to play some half-court pick-up and when they choose teams he’s left standing there between a kid with a prosthetic arm and a girl.
When Madonna fell off her horse during a riding session in New York four days ago, her publicist Liz Rosenberg does what she always does and blamed everyone else. The Daily Mail says…
Her spokesperson Liz Rosenberg claimed the horse was 'startled by paparazzi jumping out of the bushes'.
Makes is sound so dramatic. Like Madonna was peacefully enjoying the woods, floatin around like a little angel, and the pap's jumped from their hiding spot yelling "booga booga booga". But another, more accurate way to look at it, is that the paparazzi had nothing to do with it and weren't near her in any way and she fell because she’s 900 years old and old people can't judge depth or distance.
However, a police report said the singer did not report the supposed involvement of a photographer. Sgt Herbert Johnson of Southampton Village Police Department (said): 'There is no mention of photographers. It's a matter of spin control that went out of control. 'If they felt there was something else, they would have written "paparazzi" in the form – if they felt there was a problem.'
This wobbly old hag better drink some milk and be glad she’s still alive. She must have landed in a pile of pillows because normally someone that old would have exploded into a cloud of dust.
Kim Kardashian must not think very much of us, because on her blog today she says she offended by an article in Us Magazine that shows her picture in an article about Forever 21 and their new “plus sized” line. It doesn’t say she needs them or wears them or anything about her weight or size in any way, just that she is a fan of Forever 21. Nonetheless, she writes:
I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive. For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.
It’s no secret that designers have “vanity sizing”, meaning a designer size 2 is actually around a 6 or 8. So if you’re famous you can just call stuff whatever you want and the rest of us are just supposed to play along. So Kim can get a Vons Club card and tell us she’s a Admiral in the Navy now, and she won an Olympic gold medal after completing a strip aerobics class at Crunch.
DECEPTIVE UPDATE – size 2 ass, yesterday in Mexico.