Lindsay Lohan is back in court today

By brendon February 23, 2011 @ 12:32 PM

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Lindsay Lohan will be back in a courtroom this morning (for now on just assume she’s in court unless otherwise noted), at 8:30am pct, to determine if her felony theft case will go to trial. Her attorney has said that Lindsay would accept a plea deal if it would keep her out of jail. Unfortunately…

The judge who will determine Lindsay Lohan’s fate in the probation and grand theft cases will be the middleman in plea negotiations today between Lindsay and the prosecutor … And the judge thinks Lindsay should do time.
Judge Schwartz will propose that Lindsay accept jail time for the probation violation and three years felony probation for the grand theft case.

What this means is that Lindsay will probably not accept a deal and take this to trial. And then get even more jail time because that bitch did it. Her only hope is to go into a computer like Tron and somehow erase all the evidence.

TYPICAL UPDATE: it is now 8:32am pct, and Lindsay is officially late.

FASHION UPDATE: so Lindsay arrived, just about 3 minutes late, and apparently she learned her lesson because she’s wearing a much more conservative outfit this time. Or maybe she just wanted pockets so she could take some stuff.

DISAPPOINTING UPDATE: and now we’re done. Due to some confusion about whether all evidence had been turned over, todays ruling was postponed until April 10th. Basically nothing happened except that Lindsay smirked a lot, sounded like she drank a glass of cigarettes for breakfast, and some jewelry store somewhere looked at the big necklace she was wearing and yelled, “…hey… is that? Aww what the fuck!”

Hayden Panettiere is friendly

By brendon February 23, 2011 @ 10:41 AM

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Hayden Panettiere was having lunch in Venice yesterday, but not with her boyfriend, boxing heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko. That gave two different guys the opening they needed to hit on her.

One was a dog, and he actually got to make out with her, but the real winner was me. Her panties were soaked before I even said a word, as soon as she saw my speedo and tiger tooth necklace. Then when I showed her my trophy, and explained that it was for Love Making, I thought she was gonna start masturbating right there at the table.

Long story short, I fucked her.

(image source = fame)

Jennifer Aniston is embracing her spinsterhood

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 6:47 PM

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The fact that anyone even noticed is probably a sign that we’re all doomed and nothing will ever get better, but not only did they notice, but apparently it’s big news that Jennifer Aniston cut a few inches of her hair off.

People says…

Jennifer Aniston has bid goodbye to the long layers that have been her signature look for years and chopped her hair into a shoulder-length bob. The actress stepped out at a Madrid photocall for her new movie Just Go With It rocking a sexy, tousled take on the cut.

So. 42, single with no prospects, and now shorter haircuts. Could someone go ahead and send her two cats named Ben and Jerry so we can get this over with.

Tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 5:54 PM

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EMINEM – has cast porn star Sasha Grey to star in his video for Space Bound. If there’s not a lyric about his semen being “face bound”, now would be the time to add it. (the sun)

ALYSSA MILANO – is pregnant for the first time, with her husband Dave Bugliari, an agent at CAA. I bet this guy wishes he’d heard that “face bound” lyric from the Eminem song. Would have saved him a lot of trouble. (people)

ROSIE O’DONNELL – is single, after breaking up with the girl she’s dated for over a year. Surprisingly that was actually a real person, and not a sandwich maker that plugs into her car lighter. (page six)

MINKA KELLY – hit the gym today to start training for her role in ABC’s new version of Charlies Angels, an idea so dumb it shouldn’t have even been a Playboy cartoon, much less two movies and TV shows. (inf daily)

private Olivia Wilde pictures have leaked

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 3:39 PM

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Private candid pictures of Olivia Wilde, taken by her ex husband, have leaked online, but that really makes these sound hotter than they are. Because she’s not naked. Releasing private candids of your ex wife really implies she was gonna be naked. But she’s not.

This is bullshit.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I partially agree, but let’s not bring the police into this just yet. Maybe he’s got more, let’s see how this plays out.

(source = olivia-wilde.org)

Miley Cyrus kicked her dad off ‘the View’

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 2:22 PM

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Last week Billy Ray Cyrus told GQ that he regrets not being a stronger parent to his daughter Miley, and that he thinks his desire to be her friend instead of her father gave her a certain amount of power which has put her on the wrong path.

Well tomorrow he was supposed to appear on the View. Time to check in on his new found parenting skills. Popeater talked to a source who said…

“When Miley found out her father was scheduled to appear on ‘The View’ she went nuts. Only last week, Billy shot his mouth off in GQ, and now he planned to sit down with [Barbara and Whoopi] and talk more crap about his family. No way would Miley or her team would let that happen.

I can’t help but be impressed by the way Billy Ray instantly caved to the demands of his 18-year-old daughter. My sources also tell me he bought a new baby hog for their farm and put a sombrero on it and named it Selena Gomez. “Cuz she is a little piggy, ain’t she baby,” he asked. “A fat little Mexican piggy! But you, you’re Americas Sweetheart! You’re my hero, baby!”

Emmy Rossum explains how she prevents “penetration”

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 1:14 PM

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In real life it’s easy for a girl to avoid “penetration”. The most common ways are by claiming my hour is up or by snickering when I ask her out. But what if that girl is a really really hot actress, and she’s naked, and she’s filming one of her many graphic sex scenes that are supposed to look real.

Because that basically describes Emmy Rossum on the Showtime series Shameless. So how does she keep simulated sex from being real sex? Let’s find out together, shall we?

Turns out there’s a gadget for that.
“We like it to be realistic but not real, but I wear something I call the ‘vag pad,’ it’s kind of a little triangular panty liner that you stick to you…”
Of course, given that it’s an active, “slippery situation,” sometimes, more than the pad is needed.

She also say’s that sometimes the guy will wear a sock. Though I don’t understand how either of these things avoids penetration. Her “vag pad” could be made of cement mixed with poison and teeth and razors and I’d still punch it in Emmy Rossum like my dick was a maul and her kitty was firewood.

Rihanna wants to do it with Colin Farrell

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 11:13 AM

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If you’re a girl, currently alive, there’s at least an 8 percent chance that Colin Farrell has had sex with you. Like Rihanna for example. He hasn’t banged her yet, but she is a girl, on earth, so he probably will at some point.

And soon, if Rihanna gets her way.

The Sun says…

If there’s one woman you wouldn’t mind pestering you, the Bajan stunner has to top the list.
They met on GRAHAM NORTON’s chat show before Christmas, swapped numbers afterwards and the Irish Rover has been receiving lots of flirty messages.
A source said:
“Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They’re both single, so why not?”
Colin and Rihanna have made plans to meet up in LA when their hectic schedules allow.

It sounds like some alternate reality where someone gets to play it cool even when Rihanna wants to fuck him, more than likely because he’s passed out on a bed made of Laker girls right now and simply can’t find time to have sex with her. If I look outside will there be clouds of ash? Is Hitler on the 1 dollar bill? Where am I? What year is it? What’s going on?