By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 11:31 AM
According to unreliable media outlets reviewing the unreliable stories run in InTouch magazine, Kim Kardashian was the secret source of Paris Hilton boozy drunken slutty rich girl gossip during her time as Paris’ lackey. This was before Ray J mixed urine and cum on her lumbar regions and turned her into a fabulous princess. Now that InTouch magazine has broken their one legit story ever with the Duggar molestations, they’re trying to disavow the entire breadth of their past. This includes the minor ombudsman note that they completely concocted stories for the entire rest of their publication life. Since only really stupid people didn’t question it, we all decided as a society to let it be semi-legal. Like professional wrestling or Presidential politics. Many are claiming that ‘disloyal’ ought to be added to the list of Kim Kardashian attributes. I’m good with the traditional money-grubbing porn star midget. If I’m adding any more adjectives, I’m going with conjunctivitis ass. Jackals don’t have a word for acting like jackals.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 10:21 AM
According to female bloggers who still haven’t found their purpose, Cara Delevingne is one of the founding members of the young celebrities gender fluidity club. Nobody seems to understand that the inanely invented term gender fluidity describes somebody who feels intermittently like a man or a woman depending on whether or not their NFL team is doing well. Not rich girl models like Cara Delevingne who prefer to fuck other girls because all the men who surround her are either gay or into middle school chicks. While forty-percent of millennial celebrities will identify themselves as gender fluid, science will note that’s about eighty to a million times too high. It’s easy to feel fucked these days if you’re white and heterosexual and not anywhere on the autism scale. Keep your chin up and consider doing something more positive than reposting Daily Beast articles. Nobody’s getting into heaven on a hashtag.
Photo Credit: Vogue
By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
The ministers of social media are outraged over Tyga posting a track to Soundcloud that mentions Kardashian pussy and how the D-list rapper sees himself being arrested over it in the near future. Nobody seems super bothered that Tyga’s raping Kylie Jenner offline, but artistically featuring Boozie Badass behind a Casio keyboard beat seems gratuitous.
Tyga insists that he produced this symphony about being sucked off by bitches two years ago, long before he was pumping a fetus into the underaged Jenner. The song’s reference is innocuously about him wanting to rape Kim, or Khloe if he’s on the sizzurp. That’s legal in most states, though slightly more disturbing. I’ve never been a prematurely-sexualized illiterate rich seventeen year old girl, but I’m guessing this all seems pretty romantic. Me and you and our bastard baby against the world. What do you mean you want a paternity test? No, I don’t like to ride horses. Stop punching me in the stomach. Ow.
By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 8:58 AM
Every male member of the Kardashian family deals with the stress of being emasculated by the coven of shrill she-demons in their own self-destructive manner. Lamar Odom holed up in a motel smoking crack with Vietnamese twinks. Bruce Jenner chose to lop off his dick. Rob Kardashian is binge eating. The family decided the chunky scion should no longer be featured on the mothership show designing socks or trying to spell the latin name of his sisters’ STDs. Instead they just talk about how fat and stupid he is behind his back. The producers at E! have staged a storyline where Kris Jenner pretends to have true human concerns for her son’s physical and mental well-bring with breaking news reports of Rob ordering food at In & Out Burger and refusing to purge. She cries and worries about how her son might die, or worse, have $100,000 worth of surgery to become Rebel Wilson. This is all a windup to Rob hanging from a 101-freeway sign with the words I Was Never One of You painted in Nutella on the gut of his lifeless body. Sweeps week. Check the freeway signpost ladder for fingerprints. Then cross check against those lifted off Marcus Allen’s cock in the late 80′s. I guarantee you he didn’t go up there alone.
By Matt June 19, 2015 @ 8:05 AM
Kylie Jenner took a break from being statutorily raped to go on Snapchat and talk about how she has been bullied all her life which is odd because she never went to school. It appears Jenner is referring to cyber bullying, and confusing the term with people just commenting that she might be retarded, as evidenced by her diatribe:
“I’ve been bullied since I’ve been nine. From the whole world, it feels like sometimes… and I think that I’ve done a really great job in handling all this. There are bullies everywhere, so this was just a little like Snapchat, to tell whoever with their own bullies, that the only opinion that ever really matters is yours and to never change.”
I think you’ve done a piss poor job in handling this. Does that make me a bully or an honest American? The only opinion that matters is yours? If everyone felt that way the wold would be going to absolute shit. Maybe this is her fault. Cankles. Jenner first appeared on Keeping Up With The Kardashians when she was nine so some would be willing to write her off as a Harvard Medical Experiment and count the days until she starts taking testosterone and gets a pump action penis because that’s not weird and has nothing to do with being traumatized. Fuck off, trashy shit for brains. That’s my opinion, I’m never changing it. Because I’ve found my center.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 19, 2015 @ 7:29 AM
Fran Drescher revealed she used to get regularly porked by her ex husband Peter Marc Jacobson while he pretended her front hole was something else. They were married for 21 years, and Jacobson was the creator and writer of Drescher’s horrendous sitcom The Nanny, which had nothing to do with why she said Yes when he proposed over sea breezes at the Boom Boom Room. In truth it was a shared love of superficiality. Buying new curtains at the mall can transcend even God’s cruelest tricks:
“I have a gay art dealer, a gay dermatologist not to mention my hairdresser. I have a gay ex husband! People always say to me, ‘How did you not know?’ He loves decorating and fashion and clothes, but we actually did have sex a lot.”
Wow you know gay people? You’re so now. That doesn’t explain why you were married to an out of the closet gay guy, or how you didn’t know. I’m guessing he came home at all hours of the night and you just went down on the cat. Your friends would be proud. Please stay indoors, you’re annoying. I just dusted off our first strap on.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt June 19, 2015 @ 6:38 AM
Lamar Odom’s drug pusher and occasional Keeping Up With The Kardashians day player Jamie Sangouthai died of a flesh eating bacteria, not of a drug overdose as was initially reported. The bacteria is typically caused by using dirty needles although he might have just sat on Odom’s couch and not used a coaster. Sangouthai was also good friends with Khloe Kardashian, who experts predict will also expire from gangrene if her hulk strength doesn’t make her immune. Sangouthai was battling some drug charges at the time of his death, which could explain why he wasn’t invited on set anymore. We don’t need that kind of heat bro. We got a new dealer and made up a fake job title already. Hat Consultant. Bill the network. I’m not a social worker, but maybe don’t use needles. Try Wild Turkey or a little blow. Failing that, clean needles. They seem to be readily available. Try the junior high school there’s a big bowl of them on the counter in the office. The one you found in the garbage disposal isn’t quality. Did Lil’ Wayne leave that in here? He seems fine. Of all the drugs I had to pick the AIDSy one.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 18, 2015 @ 1:59 PM
They have award shows for fragrances. Most all of them are bottled in a factory in Guangdong that slightly modifies each brand with a hint more phosphoglycine or a dash more scent of douche to present a unique formulation. Women purchase fragrances entirely based on whose selling it and how nice the bottle looks. So the same way men decide on who they should be married to for the rest of their lives. I like your ass in jeans, let’s bind ourselves for eternity. Perfume was invented to mask body odor. Wash your reproductive parts daily and save yourself ten billion annually. Or just fucking wash yourself daily. There’s no excuse to be French. The drought’s not that bad. Soap remains free in public toilets.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet