Andy Cohen Cruises Tindr For Man Meat

By Jack April 07, 2014 @ 1:02 PM

Bravo’s openly super gay Andy Cohen admitted on the Tonight Show that he uses Tindr to find his latest boy toys. The Watch What Happens Live star is a big wig in the world of shitty reality TV shows about screaming New Jersey drag queens. He’s also a notoriously promiscuous cocksman with a taste for tender squire meat. But where is a top TV executive going to meet that special someone for 15 minutes of rub and tug on such a busy schedule?

“Guess what, I can’t believe you said that, because I got on Tinder the other day. I really did. It’s crazy. I’ve been doing a lot of swiping. You look and if you like, you hit like.”

I’ve known a few guys who’ve worked for Andy in the past and they all have various tales of a highly confident gay dick swinger. One former employee told me that Andy once bribed his way into his hotel room and spread himself naked on the bed waiting for this dude to arrive. When he got there, Andy reportedly said, “You can do whatever you want with me!” Another told me of mass orgies in his pool at his home in the Hamptons that rival the last days of Sodom. I have no way of independently verifying their stories, well, I do, but I’m not going to. And to the bigger point — who cares? If Andy were a mega-whoring powerful female boss chick banging the crap out of willing employees, I’d applaud. If I was the victim of her office place sexual extortion. I’d keep quiet and allow myself to be assaulted daily in the copy room. If Andy Cohen wants to Caligula through the New York media establishment, all the power to him. I’d rather he spend his time in the sweaty rectum clinch than making more insipid shows about drunken middle-aged wives of men with deeply stretched credit.

Faith Hill Frozen Face Is Creeping Me Out

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 12:42 PM

Faith Hill Frozen Botox Face At The Country Music Awards In Las Vegas
Instead of telling your kids that if they make a stupid face, they might get stuck with it forever, just whip out a picture of Faith Hill, point to it emphatically, and say, do you fucking want that for the rest of your life? Then make up some passage from the bible that forbids having botulism shot into your grill until you could taser your own face without so much as a cheek muscle twitch. Fuck, Faith Hill. I think she used to be good looking in that perfect girl you wanted to bang in high school for being so perfect kind of way. Now she just looks like she’d go bad if you don’t store her in a cool, dry area of your home. It’s creepy the way her eyes seem to follow you. Make the bad thing go away, Mother.

Photo Credit: Getty, FameFlynet

Taylor Swift’s Leg Appeared At The ACM Awards

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Taylor Swift showed up to the American Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night to pretend that she’s still a country music star at an event packed with people who probably loathe and resent her crossover success. While she didn’t win any ACM awards, she might have received a few standing ovations from redneck perverts for wearing a dress that showed off her entire left leg. She also made friends with George Strait, who beat Taylor for Entertainer of the Year, and there’s a very good chance that they’re dating now. If anything, it’ll give her plenty of material for a new album, including the eventual hit single, “Sittin’ on Grandpa’s Stick Shift.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Kourtney Kardashian Showed Us How Douche Babies Are Made

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Ever the romantic of her family, and also the sister that didn’t become famous by getting drilled by Ray J on camera or drive her husband to ruin his NBA career because he just loved crack too much, Kourtney Kardashian recently shared a photo of her and Scott Disick in their younger days. The quietest of the Kardashian sisters described this classy and romantic image of her and Scott with the message “crazy in love,” which is just so inspiring and adorable to see from two people so strangely famous for not doing anything noteworthy in their lives. Meanwhile, Scott probably described that photo as the time he “got his dick ruined while rocking a pretty epic pair of cargo shorts,” because he’s Lord Disick now, and not at all a clueless, narcissistic douchebag anymore.

Photo Credit: Kourtney Kardashian’s Instagram

Miley Cyrus Already Replaced Her Dead Dog

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Miley Cyrus claims that she’s been left devastated by the death of her dog, Floyd, after he was reportedly snatched away in the night by coyotes, and she’s been coping with the loss by crying about it on Twitter and at her recent shows. The horny, pot-loving singer has even dedicated renditions of Floyd’s favorite songs to him during her shows, all for the sake of helping her cope with the gigantic hole in her heart. She also got a new dog that she was spotted with in New York yesterday, after her show on Saturday night, where she was so depressed that she could barely grind on a car hood without breaking down.

While the coyotes are probably still sleeping off their meal, Miley’s mom thought it would be a good idea to replace Floyd with another dog, and that’s just fine parenting right there. In fact, I can’t wait until Miley finally decides to have a baby, forgets it at a truck stop and then decides to adopt another one to replace it. If anything, that original baby will probably grow up to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus.

Photo Credits: Getty

Demi Lovato Topless Pictures Leaked And Here’s Why You Should Care

By Lex April 05, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

I’m pretty sure every woman has a sex tape or naked photos of themselves floating around the Internet somewhere. If my mom called and told me we had to talk, I’d slam the phone down before she could cry about a clip of her and Sam the Butcher getting jiggy on 4Chan. Demi Lovato hasn’t been right since Barney made her do nasty from me to you kisses with Baby Bop in the playhouse. She inherited an eating disorder from her mom. By nine she was choking out her Oscar Meyer snack packs to keep her junior muffin top at bay. Then came cutting and drugs and worst of all, sex with Wilmer Valderrama. That right there should be enough to make you send back the lunch you already ate. Now, somebody’s shopping her sex tape and leaking out pictures that sure do look like her showing all kinds of human like intimacy and some titties. I’d say she made some unfortunate decisions in her life, but that’d just be the drugs talking. Hers, not mine. I think the bigger lesson learned here is that Corey Feldman has been right all along. Hollywood is a bunch of creepy sex fiends and pedophiles and opportunists looking to get over on stage kids either too young or too fucked up to know any better. I’m not blaming Wilmer, he lacks the intellectual capacity to be a conspirator. I’m going to go ahead and blame Demi’s mom, for being mental. And also for pushing her daughter into stardom when going to school, meeting cute boys, and maybe going on to be an interior decorator would’ve perhaps proved healthier. But that’s just me being all judgmental while I stare at Demi’s tits.

Paige Butcher In A Pink Bikini

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:38 PM

Paige Butcher In A Pink Bikini At The Beach In Maui
Eddie Murphy’s finest work in the past twenty years, not really measurable against any other projects, might just be Paige Butcher, the hot model he takes with him everywhere in case his dick gets itchy. She’s really a pretty damn attractive something much younger than Eddie year old lady. I’d like to think she and Eddie connect on a spiritual level as well as a physical one, but since Eddie himself probably doesn’t give a shit, now I feel pretty stupid just saying it. Paige will someday soon by the stepmother to Eddie’s semi-attractive daughters by way of the woman now married to lisping Michael Strahan. Paige will tell the girls she’s not there to replace their mother and the girls won’t believe her and will likely act out. This will force Paige to do that thing Eddie has asked her about for a while at which time she will convince him to financially cut ties with his daughters. Then she’ll walk kind of funny down to their room and laugh in their bitchy faces. The hot blonde woman always wins.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Suri Cruise Needs a Spanking

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 6:18 PM

Suri Cruise Hides From Cameras With Katie Holmes On The Set Of 'Dangerous Liaisons' In New York
I like to think of myself as a parent to all the world’s children. Kind of like Willy Wonka or Hillary Clinton or a very ambitious androgynous authoritarian, so either of those two previously mentioned. I understand that Tom isn’t around to do this kind of thing. Plus his cleansing supervisor has advised him that any sort of heated physical altercation could snap him right back to cock. Katie’s too guilt ridden to provide the proper stick to her offspring. Way too fucking much carrot. I’d help out. I’m gentle and giving with the left hand, but I serve cold justice with the right. That’s mainly due to the tendonitis in the left. I want the giving part to be painful to remind myself of the true cost of generosity. I hesitate to think of the consequences of Suri reaching adulthood without any sense of consequence. In the very least, the Jews and the Mexicans will likely be disintegrated when her death star is fully operational. I’ll mop up all the half-boiled hemoglobin with your angry letters about how spanking is abuse.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com