By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:07 PM
I have that dreaded disease where you have trouble recognizing faces. Sometimes I walk right by a guy I spent three years sharing an apartment with or some girl I don’t recognize comes up and slaps me for having sex with her sister while we were still married. It’s confusing. I rely on body parts to figure out who’s who. Last week I identified Pamela Anderson in a car without needing to see her face. I can describe to you ever centimeter of her tits in greater detail than the Rover can digitally map out the surface of Mars. I look at this blond chick and all I see is drunk stripper with a mullet. Without her tits hanging out, she may as well be a coat rack. I know many men who don’t have my same ailment still share a similar opinion.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 12:49 PM
Australian models seem to do well for themselves. Unemployment rates among hot blond women with large hooters runs about zero. That takes into account the vast majority who need not look for a job in the first place. This chick is the new face of Guess. Which I think means jeans and jackets primarily for eventual resell in Moroccan bazaars. She joins a long list of Guess girls who have gone on to fuck and marry very successfully like Claudia Schiffer, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Anna Nicole Smith. Drew Barrymore was also the Guess jeans model at one time which can only be explained by both sides being very drunk.
I respect anybody who makes it to the upper echelons of their profession. Anybody who thinks modeling isn’t just as every bit cutthroat as any other profession simply hasn’t been molested since childhood, forced early into adult clothing, and criticized by panels of crank lesbians for having chicken calves. Not to mention eventually having sex with Leonardo Dicaprio, if you’re lucky. David Spade if you’re not. Congratulations to Simone and the entire Holtznagel family. Not everybody earns their money back on braces.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack October 09, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Kylie Jenner is slowly turning into Kim K Superstar. She’s starting to inject her lips and get other cosmetic work done. I’m pretty sure somebody foretold of something close to this back in biblical times. The outcome is not super for the human race.
Watch her change into a mutant. (Celebslam)
Martha Hunt’s titties look amazing on the runway. (Drunken Stepfather)
I’d like to take a number at the Xenia Deli, if you know what I mean. (Hollywood Tuna)
Alexis Ren shows off her inner sexy cat in these Halloween costumes. (Popoholic)
Amanda Bynes gets caught shoplifting…twice. (The Superficial)
Paula Patton sloughing off slimeball Robin Thicke in a divorce. (Dlisted)
Areana Cirina is the only reason to watch that shitty Parenthood show. (COED)
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 11:39 AM
Post-racial 20-somethings who attend spin classes in lower Manhattan were shocked to wake up today and learn that Vice magazine editors kill stories unfavorable to their large corporate sponsors. In shocking revelations made by Charles Davis, a Vice Media writer who can no longer brag to people at Book Soup events that he is a Vice Media writer, senior people with senior jobs at Vice frequently halted stories he wrote exposing large corporate entities as shameless profiteers and exploiters of the working man. And women. Hot naked women. I added that last part because I don’t have anybody censoring my stories, though I probably should.
Gawker was quick to jump down the throat of Vice since everybody at Gawker secretly wishes they worked at Vice. Anybody who thinks a major media outlet abides by objective standards of journalism has been watching way too many Aaron Sorkin shows. One is actually too many. Here’s a general rule of thumb. You don’t become a billion dollar business with Rupert Murdoch shoving his off the books Asian poon money down your throats without abiding by the old standard of making the customer happy. The reader is the consumer, not the customer. The customer is the advertisers who pay for your employees to ride overly expensive collapsable bicycles to work. Grow the fuck up, Mr. Davis. If you want pristine art, get a chisel and whatever it is you call that thing you hit a chisel with and craft a sculpture. Nobody edits sculpture, save for religious zealots who do like to hack off genitalia. So sculpt a eunuch deep in thought.
Vice fired Davis with the claim that he fell asleep during a meeting because everybody falls asleep in meetings so it’s impossible to deny. They seized his laptop and forced him to buy a subscription to no less than four underground skater magazines. All of which seems a pretty shitty way to handle a muckraking Turk who hasn’t yet been assimilated by the Borg. The good news is Davis can now post his no holds barred exposes on corporate corruption to his Blogspot entirely unmoderated for his parents and friends to read and moderately laud.
Vice, call me. I’m a versatile editorial top and a total fucking whore. I will work for previously unreleased Arcade Fire tracks and coupons for Asian fusion cuisine. I think McDonald’s defines hip and the NFL adores women. Virgin Mobile shits angels. Let’s do this.
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 9:29 AM
The straw-in-human-cranium blood sucking planet invaders from the 138 Water syndicate are running out of girls to coax out onto the beach to pretend their bottled water gives you nice tits. It’s like hitting the theoretical end of the search results on YouPorn. Fuck, I just shuddered. It’s not pleasant to think about, but at some point if you scroll through enough horny shaved granny porn, the possibility exists. We draw near the time when 138 Water will order its tentacle laden advanced fighting forces to erupt from the bodies of fat people at the gym who walk the treadmill at the lowest speed. Then we earthlings shall finally have a visual dictionary photo for the word splatter.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Kate Upton and a dozen or so other celebrities from the hacked titties photo imbroglio have retained the services of celebrity scandal attorney Marty Singer to threaten to sue Google for $100 million, or what the people at Google like to call, lunch money. The overwrought teen legal letter accuses Google of not being responsive enough in killing URLs featuring pictures of Kate Upton covered in Cy Young goo and Jennifer Lawrence touching her niblets.
“Like the NFL, which turned a blind eye while its players assaulted and victimized women and children, Google has turned a blind eye while its sites repeatedly exploit and victimize these women.”
There are certain attorneys in Los Angeles who specialize in taking big wads of celebrity billable hours in exchange for trying to get their embarrassing photos or tawdry conduct allegations redacted from the web as if that’s actually a thing you can do. Still, there’s the appearance of something being done which is almost the same as something being done. Google probably did make some serious co-advertising dollars off the bump in traffic related to The Fappening. Online hosts tend to be more ‘cautious’ when removing content that is making them money than they do Aryan hate speech sites that refuse to use Google AdSense because they think it’s run by Jews. But it’s also true that celebrities have a lot of retainer money to waste fighting Pyrrhic legal battles. Pretty much the entire world minus those billing big fat hourlies knows you can’t put the hot naked genie flicking her bean on video back into the bottle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet,PacificCoastNews
By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Sarah Silverman appeared in a flat video on behalf of the National Women’s Law Center whose goal is to attain equal pay for women while wearing unisex suits. All of Silverman’s comedy is based on the fact that she’s a relatively hot Jewish chick with a potty mouth. Like Chelsea Handler, but Sarah stops at banging black dudes to get ahead.
In the video Silverman picks out a dick to wear, because having a dick makes you earn more money than women as long as you work more hours, stay with the same job longer, take less vacation time, and promise to die young. The National Women’s Law Center is calling for donations of $30 trillion dollars so that every woman in America can be given $435,000 dollars which is what they calculated she will lose unfairly in her lifetime while they were high on Fen Phen. The NWLC is officially ballsier and funnier than their latest spokeswoman. Correction, spokesperson.
I feel the same way on this issue as I do on African-American reparations. I’ve never enslaved anybody or provided support or aid to known enslavers so I don’t feel personally responsible. I also earn so little that it would be statistically impossible for a woman to earn 78% of what I do for the same job. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to Sarah Silverman sketches. I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve this.
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
If anyone knows how to tightrope walk around a statutory rape prosecution, it’s Kris Jenner. You don’t rise to pimp head of a multimillion dollar teen prostitution ring without picking up a little streetwise jurisprudence. Kylie Jenner is just seventeen and according to the state of California, she’s still an illiterate minor. That means whatever the hell her rapper boyfriend slash Kim’s best girlfriend’s baby daddy is doing with her after sushi dates is technically a sex crime. Not as bad as Stephen Collins flashing his pecker to grade schoolers or guys at the office peeking at Jennifer Lawrence hacked naked selfies, but a crime just the same. When you limit your potential sex partners to reasonably successful black rappers, there has to be some concession to age differences and depth of criminal backgrounds. STDs may slowly burn away, but a Kardashian girl never forgets her first publicity fuck.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI