By Lex August 21, 2014 @ 7:59 AM
I wish all Russians were more like Irina Shayk. I’d love to be able to say, Putin, yeah, he’s a dangerous tyrant, but man what I wouldn’t give to blast his perfect titties. He doesn’t seem to dangerous then. It’s probably not so awesome to live in a place that’s freezing fucking cold most of the year and all your hot women leave for better opportunities elsewhere. It’s like living in Massachusetts. Fuck you, you know I’m right. Go Sox.
Photo Credit: Agua Bendita
By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 7:41 AM
‘Sideshows’ are becoming a popular spectacle in San Francisco. They involve doing crazy shit with your car in cool locations like the Golden Gate Bridge. To pull off a Sideshow you need to have a bunch of your boys flanking you so they can slow down and block traffic while you take a hit of crank and then do donuts in your early model Camaro. On one hand this is cool for the public because they get to see some car tricks up close for free. On the other hand I hope they sick the Ferguson PD on these assholes because traffic in San Francisco has already slowed down to an acid flashback time warp. Let alone the potential to injure pedestrians or god forbid dent your bumper, because I am guessing these guys insurance situations are sketchy. If you happen to get caught in a Sideshow you should record the license plate number of the car. Don’t let them see you writing it down so you don’t get followed home where they’ll notice your flatscreen TV and pretty mouth. Try and memorize it, which will be hard because you’ll be distracted by the cool doughnuts and brodies. I forgot how awesome those are.
By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 7:25 AM
Barry Norman just wrote a tribute to Robin Williams in which he bashes the recently dead actor relentlessly. Norman used to host the BBC’s Film Programme and is one of the most well known British film critics, a cringeworthy double whammy of pretentiousness. He opted to go against the British tradition of stuffy congeniality and instead just wrote a roast of Williams with no jokes:
“Admiration is called for, but also sadness, not just for his tragic death but for an enormous talent which, if not exactly unfulfilled, could sometimes be spread so thinly as to be almost invisible… Every actor makes bad films occasionally but what was remarkable about Williams was not that he was so good in the good ones but that he was so very bad in the bad ones… He made no secret of his addiction to drugs and alcohol but there was another addiction, which he never admitted but which became increasingly evident in his own work – to saccharine, tooth-rotting sentimentality.”
This is a tasteless thing to do when so many people who never before mentioned Robin Williams are Facebook distraught over his death. The thing that makes it most fucked up is he is right. Williams was frequently annoying and sappy and made a shit ton of bad movies, but its uncouth to say so right away. Whatever Williams’ faults with overacting and poor script choices most everybody agrees he was definitely a nice guy so why not let people realize on their own that they haven’t enjoyed one of his movies since they were children.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 6:45 AM
Chuy Bravo has not heard anything about being featured on Chelsea Handler’s new Netflix show. Consider that a bad sign. Chuy’s job on the previous show was to sit on a stool while the hostess burped out lazy Mexican jokes while she considered auctioning her anal virginity to the head of NBC Universal for an earlier time slot. Handler’s new show is supposed to focus on serious topics so they might very well drop the laughing minstrel act. Chuy claims he is in the running to get his own show if the Netflix thing falls through, which should draw heavy ratings in the sad liar demo. He should learn from his experience with Chelsea. If you aren’t talented you need to find an easy target and start with the mean spirited insults. Perhaps a veteran amputee or a kid with leukemia. Otherwise he is going nowhere since the amount of TV execs willing to exchange sex with an unfunny four foot Mexican for hosting gigs is nearly non existent. I’d put my money on more zany midget fetish porn.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 6:29 AM
The NFL has asked their next Super Bowl halftime performers to pay the NFL for the right to perform. They want either a mafia-like ‘voluntary contribution’ or a portion of the artists touring revenue immediately following the show. The NFL has never paid their performers because most musicians will trade dignity for promotion in a lifelong quest to garner as much fame as possible before dying unhappy. Plus you can help yourself to the shrimp platters backstage and there’s more where that came from.
The final choices for the coming Super Bowl are reportedly Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Coldplay. While those are super fucking popular music artists, they don’t get an audience of 112 million to their shows. Katy Perry might if she flashed her tits, but with clothes on she gets about 15,000 per venue. I don’t blame the Super Bowl for acting like the hot administrative assistant in the office who can audition the C-level executives for who wants her ass discreetly on the side the most. Who’s going to bring me the Hermes scarf and the Mercedes lease, boys? The Super Bowl always wins.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Getty
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 1:11 PM
Adrianne Curry took her turn on the elevated balcony of the Encore Beach Club in Las Vegas using her fake titties to stiffen up all the young men wading in the pool beneath. Not since Jupiter made Vesuvius explode to cover up the unparalleled homoerotic behavior of Pompeiians has such a mass of male dicks been assembled in one single continuous basin. I’m just glad the Rat Pack aren’t alive to put on snappy dinner jackets and hug each other repeatedly while witnessing this.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt August 20, 2014 @ 12:57 PM
Jackie Chan is taking his son’s drug bust pretty hard and has been going off about being dishonored and all the other things Chinese fathers say before their sons jump off a bridge. Chan posted a message on his website that fails to address the fact that China can legally execute you for being into pot:
“The recent news about my son, Jaycee, is very shocking and the impact it has caused on society is heartbreaking. When I first heard the news, I was absolutely enraged. As a public figure, I feel very ashamed; as his dad, I’m very sad and disappointed. But the person who feels heartbroken the most is his mom. I hope our younger generation will learn from Jaycee’s mistake and stay far away from drug abuse. I would like to take this opportunity and say to Jaycee: you’ve done something wrong and you have to be responsible for the consequences.”
Jackie goes so far as to blame Jaycee for society’s ills, which is fair because junior probably had something to do with Tiananmen Square. This kid is a moron for smoking pot under such Draconian conditions. If he was that into weed he should have fled China for a land where you get to complain about minor shit and can land movie roles based on your last name. Jackie does a fine job of illustrating how China continues to be fucked up, blaming the victim of their insane police state. He’s currently busy fire walling websites with Western ideas, pleading for sanity, and trying to block import of Pink Floyd’s debut album. If China wasn’t paying for all of our food stamps, we could really mock them properly.
Photo Credit: Getty Images