Tom Brady Barely Made It

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 1:20 PM

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In a jarringly subtle Fuck You to the American male public, Tom Brady posted his dusty never used resume on Facebook. Brady’s credentials include schlepping coffee with his balls tucked in at Merrill Lynch and hawking golf equipment at a pro shop where he snuck free fountain sodas. Of course Shark Tankers like Giselle Bundchen love their men regardless, but odds are he’d have been shut down whilst presenting this flimsy doc to her at a Marriott wine mixer. For Bundchen, love at first sight happens when you pause flipping channels. Once you Google the chap’s contract and have your publicist arrange a meet and greet your love becomes truly unconditional and is conceived once your in house doctor scans his smelly ween with a black light.

A bad draft combine and Brady ends up as the smiling sales rep with the too high khakis at Ann Arbor Toyota. You’d call your buddy and make fun of him after he up sells you a Tundra. His pudgy wife in tow, Brady would genuinely chomp at the bit to tell you of the addition to his 800 square foot rambler as you signed the papers. Now he wants to rub it in your face that he vacations on clit mountain in Ibiza and the constant grind you’ve been measuring your life on could have been eradicated had you watched 8 Mile before your sophomore football tryouts and stood up straight. Brady got drafted on hustle, and I’m sure he hustled just as hard for those shanked balls. Having drive is good, but only when you become a kick ass NFL quarterback. Otherwise you’re just that overly enthusiastic dude working at the golf course showing irrevocable love to your muffin top fiancee while your boss makes you clean the beer off the carpets.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Jasmine Tridevil Has Three Tits

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 12:09 PM

Jasmine Tridevil Gets Third Breast Implant
Jasmine Tridevil, I’m going to assume that isn’t her real given name, decided that the best way to get herself an MTV reality show was to implant a third crappy breast in between her other two. She thinks MTV loves a cheap freak show with tits for its reality lineup. She’s right. Jasmine’s biggest issue was finding a plastic surgeon willing to deform her just for the tridevil of it. Get it? Fuck you, I’m still getting over Hope Solo’s Beefaroni.

Jasmine says the first fifty plastic surgeons she approached turned her down. Which in Floriday means you have to go an additional block to find the titty doctor who will take your cash. Jasmine’s family has entirely disowned her since the procedure. They were fine with her as a 20-year old two-titted out-call masseuse, that’s a Tampa high achiever, but three tits, don’t you come knocking on the trailer door where you grow’d up. Life has always been punitive to the bold. Those daring innovators willing to put their own well-being at risk to push the envelope of human endeavor. That is, until the four titted chick comes along and Jasmine becomes the horse and buggy in the age of the automobile. I’d call MTV and  try to move things along.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Ray Rice Claims He Was Mis-Framed

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 11:14 AM

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Ray Rice’s chief line of defense in appealing his indefinite suspension from the NFL will reportedly be that his World Star Hip Hop Wife Fight was unfairly edited. The video making rounds was released by TMZ, and aside from it sparking an unsolicited meltdown from your one lesbian friend at Happy Hour, it also fucked up Rice’s fight scene continuity. TMZ edited out the boring parts of Rice’s knockout like ESPN does the uneventful rounds on Friday Night Fight re runs. TMZ explained they originally released the full version of the incident and then cut it down because their audience lacks the control to halt their sweets indulging while hemming for something gratuitous as they complain about not finding any Real Men Out There. TMZ explained:

“As we initially reported, the original raw video was jerky . . . so we removed the reverse frames.”

I’m no James Cameron, which is why I am suspicious of this explanation since it offers no elaboration. Its like listening to Dr Oz talk about toxins. Every fiber tells you it’s bullshit but you are too dumb to explain why. Rice will most likely be proven correct on a technicality, yet the NFL lacks three branches of government and he will still be 9 ironed on his way out of arbitration by Goodell’s thugs. There are a lot of ways to take this, but being an argumentative asshole who got kicked out of the party is not going to get you back into it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Ariana Grande Has No Life Coach And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Ariana-Grande-in-Jones-Crow-Promo-Shoot

Ariana Grande’s life coach quit because Ariana is so insufferable. What kind of impossible bitch do you have to be for your life coach to quit on you? What she needs is some counseling from the “shut the fuck up and go sit in the corner” school of psychology. I had that from K-12 and I came out a perfect egg.

Find out why Ariana can’t even pay people to be around her. (Dlisted)

I see London, I see France, I see Taylor Swift’s underpants. (Drunken Stepfather)

Just how much of a loser is Aaron Carter, you may ask? A big one. (Huffington Post)

Check out Courtney Stodden’s tits at some pussy film festival or something. (Hollywood Tuna)

You know when you are a reporter and you quit on the air to go sell weed… (TMZ)

Hermione goes to the United Nations to talk about the growing influence of Voldemort. (COED)

Do you want to see Emanuela de Paula in a bikini? Well, you’re in luck! (Popoholic)

Alicia Keys’ Message Lacks Focus

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

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Alicia Keys or someone with more money than its author paid for an op in the New York Times which takes on the controversial view that she is amazing. Pulling every punch, the suck fest explains how Keys’ heart wrenching decision to take ten minutes and finger paint a peace sign onto her swollen pregnant gut is a gesture of heroism worthy of a Purple Heart:

“Alicia Keys said she knew this image would draw attention, which is just what she wants as she builds an army of fans who want to make the world a better place for all.”

Keys took $1 million dollars of personal tax write offs and donated to a variety of charities. She encourages her fans to do the same, presumably unless they run out of pancake mix for the children after paying Ticketmaster’s $12 dollar service fees to watch her lecture them between loud covers at The Garden. Keys laid out in detail the charities those who want to change the world should donate to, preferably without researching their payroll situations:

“All Out, a gay rights organization; CARE, the aid group; Equal Justice Initiative, which combats racial inequity in the criminal justice system; the Future Project, which empowers high school students in America; Girl Rising, which supports girls’ education around the world; Keep a Child Alive, which helps children affected by H.I.V. and AIDS; Moms Rising, which supports universal prekindergarten, maternal leaves and tighter gun laws; Oxfam, which fights global poverty; Partners in Health, which tackles disease worldwide; the Trevor Project, which prevents suicide among gay and lesbian youths; the Trayvon Martin Foundation, which fights racial profiling; and War Child, which supports children in conflict areas.”

Her effort must be commended, yet Keys failed to explicitly detail the most crucial part of her quest to save humanity from the 0.7 percent of humanity making more coin than her. One can give all the money in the world but we will not see real change until we pose naked and paint our temporarily engorged torsos with meaningless and simplified symbols proven to be futile. If there was one thing we learned in Vietnam, it’s that everyone is full of shit.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Casey Batchelor Got a Tit Reduction

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:21 AM

Casey Batchelor Wears A Green Bikini In Dubai
British reality star Casey Batchelor just had her tits reduced from grotesquely large to a mere cartoonishly large. She took her ass in a bikini to Dubai to show the wealthy gentlemen of the region how a woman with with a mere double-E’s can still look ladylike. I’m not sure who the fuck still picks the Middle East as a vacation destination. I realize that not all countries in the region are war torn capitals of beheadings and tire burnings. Just most. If I knew nine of the thirteen Canadian provinces were drowning children in pools of maple syrup and Labatt’s Blue for refusing to sing Leafs’ fight songs, I’d probably cancel my next pussy hunting trip with Rob Ford. Big tits give you power, but they also make you reckless.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Victoria Silvstedt on the Hunt in Manhattan

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:08 AM

Victoria Silvstedt Wears Leather Skirt While In NYC
You’ve got 300,000 people marching in New York City because a cyclist standing at the edge of Battery Park might get his Shimanos wet in 2147. Meanwhile Victoria Silvstedt is roaming the streets of Gotham this very day prepared to take down another wealthy old fat midget. We can find more bicycle riders to stare out wistfully over New York Harbor and dream of a world with no cars. Short fat wealthy guys are what makes our American economy function. We keep letting Victoria Silvstedt and her starfish like everted vagina pick these key midgets off, our entire monetary system could collapse. If Jeremy Renner ran the Fed, he’d do what has to be done.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Scout And Tallulah Willis in Bondage

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Scout Willis And Tallulah Willis Pose In Bondage Gear Together
I bet Taullulah Willis didn’t tell her rehab counselors her transition back to unsupervised life began with a incestuous topless mistress leather photo shoot with her sister in New York. Lindsay Lohan figured out by the third rehab that you tell the doctors you’re going to move-in with your stable Aunt Helen and read books and do nothing but be the best you you can be for the next three months. You don’t need Oprah getting on your shit. I think there’s some ancient Chinese proverb about two Willis jaws meeting and the earth ending in a volcano of fire. Running would be useless at this point, but I’d still recommend looking away so it’s not the last thing you see before the molten core goes blooey.

Photo Credit: Todd Pendu