Sinaloa drug cartel little jefe El Chapo escaped once again from prison in Mexico. Escaped seems like an overstatement since the Mexican army corps of engineers dug him a mile-long industrial grade tunnel to leisurely walk him away from the facility. The second thing El Chapo did after fucking tons of chicks and drinking tequila through the nostrils of his decapitated enemies was to Tweet Donald Trump and call him a faggot, immediately creating a conundrum for self-described progressives as to whom to root for. The greedy corporate businessman who hates Mexicans or the heroin kingpin from Mexico who uses homophobic hate speech.
Keep screwing (with us) and I’m going to make you eat your fucking words you lousy white faggot.
It’s unclear if possibly somebody created a fake El Chapo Twitter account to write the message. Though it is clear that people in Mexico who pretend to be El Chapo have their entire bloodlines sliced to pieces with machetes. It’s akin to Taylor Swift in this country. Trump fired back by accusing the Mexican government of aiding in El Chapo’s escape, which infuriated the Mexican government who felt they did much more than just assist. Gringos just don’t understand how hard it is to look the other way at just the right time.
Justin Bieber apologized for posting a shot of his ass on Instagram. Not for the reasons you’d think like it’s obnoxious and he’s accepting payouts from an overseas gay porn site, but apparently one of his friend’s daughters saw it, which is by far the creepiest possible scenario:
“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect.”
The problem might lie with your friend’s parenting of her illegitimate child. Your ass is tough to look at but much less offensive than any one of your overproduced songs. Or your gay wigger face. I thought Instagram had a nudity policy. Don’t let that pass for standards, they specifically allow pigs to wallow in shit. Two years from now that little girl will be a music video whore. It’s all your fault. Now we’re going to stick this Q-tip in your urethra. Go ahead and murder the help on your rented boat just don’t let the guy’s genitals peak out in the crime scene photo. That would be offensive.
Carrie Underwood left her four month old baby in her car with two of her dogs. What could go wrong. According to Underwood the dogs managed to lock the doors of the car, which is widely seen as impossible outside of the cartoon universe. Do they also know how to work the air conditioning? Luckily Underwood was able to break the window of the car, which aside from being locked in a car with ravenous half human dogs is also great for a baby’s development:
“When your dogs manage to lock themselves, all your stuff & the baby in the car & you have to break the window to get in. #WhatAreTheChances.”
Outside of Dade County I’d say roughly zero. It’s good the kid made it out, but if these insane mutts of yours are throwing their claws around to the point they can lock a car door perhaps it’s not the best environment for a newborn. What’s to stop them from accidentally raking his face or simply gnawing on his little foot like it’s a dog toy? Either way your irresponsibility as a parent has now been transformed into an act of valor. This time. A month from now when you claim you fought off a dozen pedophiles from a child porn ring I’m going to question what your kid was doing in the room. What if Wonder Woman had a pill problem?
Maitland Ward dressed up as a green Star Trek character to attend Comic Con. It’s odd aliens look exactly like humans except they’re green or wear a headband as their sunglasses or a shoe on their head. While her behavior would not be noteworthy on face value, she also made a video and posted a series of photos where you can see her genitals. I think redheads are probably the devil’s henchmen and should be avoided at all costs but these are pretty hot. Think porn but less assne. Ward did the same thing last year and probably got fucked by a klingon on the changing table of a public bathroom. I’ll never be able to look at Boy Meets World the same way again. Meaning I’ve never watched it and will continue that trend. Nice asshole.
Behind every successful serial rapist is a woman with a super impressive ability to ignore shit. Jerry Sandusky’s wife used to crank up Patsy Cline while Jerry was down in the basement showing boys the fine line between pass interference and forcible sodomy. When Camille Cosby claimed she didn’t believe the accusations against her husband, everybody just kind of assumed she meant she didn’t believe any of it. When it fact, she believed most of it. Just not the very last itty bitty illegal parts. The ones that would touch her money.
According to anonymous sources to the New York Post, about as reliable as a game of telephone on the short bus when the starting word is schadenfreude, Camille Cosby was well aware that her husband was sleeping around with tons of young women.She saw that as a private matter. She also understands that the women her husband slept with enjoyed sleepy drugs willingly with their sexual escapades. Like in Valley of the Dolls. Or, real life on Planet Date Rape
According to the family source, Camille confided, “You have to allow for space to let your partner do what he wants. I have done that and Bill has done that and there’s no jealously, no friction.”
Wait, so you also drugged thirty women in your hotel rooms and jizzed on their toes? Nah, maybe you made out with Harry Belafonte backstage one evening in ”77. I guarantee you Bill got the better memoir stories out of his end. At one point Camille Cosby spoke to Oprah about unloading the baggage of her philandering husband who just so randomly found women who loved Quaaludes and antihistamines before sex. Oprah counseled Camille to stay with Bill. Oprah is a very practical woman. God only knows what sick Oprah shit Stedman backs.
I don’t know the point of all of this other than as sweet and grandmotherly as Camille Cosby looks, it’s perfectly okay to hate her too now.
Rapper and neck tattoo enthusiast Lil Wayne got into a scuffle with another rapper named Birdman at a club. Birdman threw a drink at Lil Wayne. It’s like an episode of Sex and The City but with more guns, bitches, and 40′s.
Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection in Connecticut to shelter his Panzer division of Bentleys against the kind of civil judgements only a rapper could amass. The first found 50 Cent slapped with a an order to pay Rick Ross’ elegant baby mama five million U.S. dollars for putting her sex tape online to embarrass Rick Ross. That was a hoot. So red in the face. Now where’s my five million, dumb shit. The second judgement stems from 50 Cent agreeing to promote Sleek Audio headsets, then figuring why not produce his own headsets that look exactly like Sleek Audio and sell them under his own name. If you made it to second grade in the New York City public schools, you have to know that’s not going to fly. 50 Cent has routinely been praised by the mainstream media who love to relate to hip hop culture by finding black dudes who’ve made a shit ton of money and calling them geniuses. It’s probably condescending, but it’s all they’ve got. The New York Times did a blowjob piece on the business acumen that is 50 Cent just last week. Precious.
50 Cent didn’t survive forty three direct kill shots as a teen just to see some people he fucked over badly take all his dough. You can bet there are stacks of rainy day cash buried in floorboards in various tenement houses. He will rise again. Suge Knight only recently met his shenanigans match. 50 has another decade of magazine Syracuse journalism majors romanticizing his bullshit. And payback murders. That’s what the 40′s are all about.
Elle Macpherson married Jeff Soffer, that Florida real estate dude who maybe killed somebody because he thought he was a real helicopter pilot and then he fucked Gwyneth Paltrow because Gay Beethoven didn’t understand how her muse and vagina both needed a stroking. He seems interesting. She’s fifty-one and looks just as good in a bikini and sunglasses as she did thirty years ago. Though I’d leave the sunglasses and bikini on until lights out. Even the chicks who Jesus handed the good genes are not immune to the ravishes of time and sea salt. Now she travels the world on a yacht being fondled by Soffer in front of the help hoping her new stepson teeters into the waters so her bio kids get the Fountainbleu hotel to themselves. You’ve got to die sometime. Might as well go out with Elle Macpherson on your dick asking about any possible chest pains.