By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Jessica Hart posed for Porter Magazine in a painted on gold bikini. I feel weird when I wear boxer briefs at the Hard Rock pool because I forgot to bring swim trunks. Actually that might be justified. Even getting a massage and begging for a hand job afterwards seems oddly personal, and I’m covered in a towel no matter how many times I remove it. I feel none of this compares to the feeling of having the inner region of your ass crack painted with golden twinkly paint. Don’t let it start to tickle, if you climax the process must be started over. Time is money. The stirrups and constant coughing make a communal shower seem comfortable by comparison. Then there’s having your anus blow dried. All just to sell some ad space for Ralph Lauren. Beats a cubicle.
Photo Credit: Porter Magazine
By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 6:39 AM
Sharon Osbourne revealed a few details of the time she fucked Jay Leno to the Stern show while people listening vomited into their waste baskets at work. Outside of the surprising news that Leno indeed has a functioning human dick, the only information Osbourne offered is that he was a premature ejaculator, which I had him pegged for anyway:
“Well it only took a minute, so I’ll just say, it took a second, that was it.”
Osbourne clearly prefers hours long fuck marathons with half limp smack junkies who can’t finish. Or maybe the problem is just that they’re fucking Sharon Osbourne. Go in the other room and finish on a tissue. Blame it on the smack along with your tarnished solo career. All of this confirms my suspicion that Jay Leno is a diabolical robot who takes pleasure in worshiping mediocrity. This applies to his monologue jokes, an unbridled enthusiasm for interviewing the cast of Dancing With The Stars, and Sharon Osbourne’s pussy.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Mike Jeffries, the creepy CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch who was almost certainly the inspiration for every 80′s rich kid movie villain, is retiring. Abercrombie has fallen on hard times. With the advancement of gay rights many have found they can go to a random stag bar to see a naked dude instead of a price inflated dank storefront that smells like your grandma’s house. Highly sought after 8th grade hockey recruits are distancing themselves from the official uniform of fraternity gang rape. Or possibly people are just over buying a seventy dollar T-Shirt which passersby tend to interpret as your undying support for Darren Wilson. This is as close to a gang affiliation as whitey is going to get, and your gang sucks. Jeffries became famous for some elitist bullshit he spewed which summed up why everyone hates people who shop at Abercrombie:
“We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”
As their business fails it is comforting to know Abercrombie will be targeting a slightly different demographic. As they struggle to liquidate their inventory, which will lose status points once their assholes customers see the orange tags, they’ll be targeting the all-American cat lady buying marked down shit for the downstairs neighbor kids. They will be going after the sixty year old drifter who needs some clean shirts since he just bathed in the aqueduct. The socially inept mall shooter who still wants to fit in with the cool kids a decade after high school. It’s a shame they are branching out just as the company goes under. There were so many douchebags they never reached.
Photo Credit: Abercrombie.com
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 2:10 PM
Ever since Alyssa Milano and her mom went Lone Ranger and Tonto across the Internet lassoing up all her titty pictures, she’s felt a certain sense of regret. This roundup occurred before the science had been settled as to how amazing a career boost having your tubes exposed in the digital wankspace could be. What was once thought damaging to landing roles soon became chicks posting signs up at JuCo engineering departments daring hackers to find their beaver shots in the cloud. Now Alyssa Milano is scrambling to make up for her titty media divot by showing off her milk laden boobs anywhere there’s a camera or a Tweet button. Sadly, the market place for sallies is less strong at forty with an infant sucking on the business end. I’m sure Alyssa will tell you she doesn’t regret all the plum roles she lost due to her holy tit crusade against the Internet, but deep down, right between those swollen boobs of hers, she bears the truth.
Photo Credit: INF/AKM-GSI
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 1:13 PM
The royals of England came and met with the Beyonce and Jay Z to discuss such things as how best to garage your fleet of Bentleys during the snowy season and a brief but telling trivia contest on how little each knew about the current whereabouts of their children. The meeting itself court-side at the Brooklyn Nets game was fairly brief, but served the purpose of allowing the British monarchs to be seen with important black figureheads in America without having to fake smile through another insufferable Obama dinner. Prince William once more was forced to fire his wardrobe chief for failing miserably at making him blend in at a commoners event.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 12:47 PM
I could see fathering children with Olivia Wilde. I know exactly how it would go down starting with the eliciting of wallowing pity. People talk about sympathy fucks like they’re somehow unworthy of being called sex. Everybody has an agenda for hopping in the sack and if you can count on your insanely handsome good looks and the credit worthiness to lease an Italian sports car, bully for you. I’ve got some English and the ability to whimper like a wounded animal. There’s no one playbook for victory.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 12:27 PM
Hailey Baldwin is best friends with the model formerly known as Kendall Jenner so they let her show off her tits as well for the Love magazine calendar. I don’t think it’s actually a calendar so much as a series of videos of teenaged girls being spanked or flashing skin or dancing around motel rooms like they are dim-witted and bored. Which couldn’t possibly describe Hailey Baldwin. Who cares. She’s eighteen now and unless her dad rides by on his skateboard punching you in the name of Jesus the Savior, you might as well check out his daughter on a bare mattress experiencing her Ghosts of Christmas Future.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Jack December 09, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
People who get pissed are pissed that Ridley Scott cast a bunch of white actors to play the biblical roles in his new Exodus blockbuster. Everybody not in historical denial understands there were no caucasians or blue eyes in the Old Testament, just a shit load of plagues and murder and people of color alternately pleasing or pissing off God.
Read all about his reasons for casting White folks. (Huffington Post)
Emily Ratajkowski wears a see-through dress and it is good. (Drunken Stepfather)
Ela Rose covered topless is faptacular. (Hollywood Tuna)
Selena Gomez’s cleavage makes me hate Bieber for his access to it. (Popoholic)
Still hot Kate Hudson is single again, guys. (The Superficial)
It turns out that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are both shitty parents. (TMZ)
Joaquin Phoenix lies about engagement to yoga instructor because Joaquin Phoenix. (Dlisted)