By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Chick fights without hair pulling or ripping off shirts have an enjoyment cap set at mildly amusing. Amber Rose teed off on the Kardashian family the past couple of days because she has some pent up feelings about losing her man and also she’s been drinking. It all started in 2009 when a bunch of chicks with fake body parts and no jobs got on Twitter. But flash forward to Amber Rose calling Kylie Jenner a stupid kid for hooking up with rapper Tyga. Technically, I believe when you’re underaged and you’re fucking an old rapper with exes and babies you are pretty fucking stupid. Khloe Kardashian, the family heavy, stepped in to defend her little sister by pulling unflattering quotes her assistant found for her:
Khloe is normally pumped full of a barbiturates in regimen similar Kong in captivity. It’s unusual for her to engage. Amber Rose came back with the fact she was a stripper to support her family no different than Kim Kardashian is a whore to feed her family. She also made mention of the fact she was fucking Kanye before Kanye was fucking Kim, which I think is a point Amber Rose if you’re keeping score, but I’m not sure. It might be an own goal.
Khloe went on to preach how her entire family is reticent to ever use their extraordinary powers to hurt others and wishes the whole world was made of cheese so she could eat it. Amber Rose responded to Khloe’s bullshit self-evaluation by posting an old leaked picture of her own bare snatch, calling all the Kardashians whores, implying she might go fuck Khloe’s most recent boyfriend, and then insisting that O.J. is Khloe’s dad. You’re not going to fell Khloe Kardashian with a single lucky shot. Spray and cover.
Most people see this skirmish as the most juvenile war of words in the history of mankind. Few are similarly able to recognize it as the most intelligent conversation these two brain dead plumped up ass-tards have ever conducted. The glass is always half full when you’re drunk and stupid.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 11:09 AM
You can condemn the dude who came up with this scam to get models to take their tops off. But ask yourself this, am I a hypocrite and is some Canadian chick with titanic yabbos currently dancing in front of my pretend camera? God gave women tits and men the ability to lie. There is no Judeo-Christian ISIS, but just to be safe, you might not want to con some stacked woman into showing you her hooters before you face a tire burning. Girls with big tits can’t fly to heaven, so this is your best last chance.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 10:32 AM
At some point media headline writers have to stop breathlessly referring to Rihanna as daring. It’s like bitching about Kirk going rogue. The shock value has to depart at some point in the repetition. I’ve seen Rihanna’s tits more than I’ve seen my girlfriend’s. Mostly because Rihanna doesn’t insist on meals for the privilege. She’s got to do something while she waits for the oompa loompas at Roc Nation to create her very personal music. Wearing masks and showing off your tits is as good a hobby as any. Piercing your nipples is far less painful than golf.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Some public relations junior put these two long haired blonds together and dubbed them the Barbie Doll couple. Given how Barbie Doll sales are plummeting and soon to become toy relics, this won the all-hands brain storming session in the small conference room. One is the French Kim Kardashian, which is like saying the more annoying Kim Kardashian which can’t possibly be true so I’ll just assume that was a lazy nickname. The other is that creepy hairstylist who way back when fixed up Paula Jones hair so she could accuse Bill Clinton of laying his fat upon her. If you believe this guy likes chicks then you probably also believe pro sports leagues really love it when their small market teams make it to the playoffs. Neither of these two look like Barbie Dolls and seeing them kiss feels like the awkward pretend claps at gay reprogramming camp graduation. If rich white moms start vaccinating their kids again, these two disappear.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
At some point Selena Gomez is going to announces she’s twelve and Stephen Collins and the dude from Dateline jump out from behind the kitchen island and tell us we’re no better than them. I know she’s desperately going for that sex kitten over her last boyfriend bit, but she looks like her stage mom just took her picture on the way to a 7th grade dance. If anybody asks, she told us she was twenty-two and she even brought beer to the party. Nobody needs to go down for this if we all stick to the script.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 8:26 AM
Jessica Simpson homaging Fifty Shades of Grey is a reminder that nobody edits a chick worth $150 million. Not her unemployed husband, not her gay dad, not her sister who is either a double amputee or a twice shotgun married bride, I can’t recall. Simpson might benefit from somebody waving the slow down sign on ideas that come into her head between her carefully measured snacks. You give her lip service on Fifty Shades then push Theory of Everything. Talk about a sexy love story. What’s hotter than Jessica Simpson in a wheelchair drooling into her own tits. Light up the phones on HSN. Mama’s got some acai berry cleanser to move.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt February 17, 2015 @ 8:01 AM
NFL star Terrell Suggs still owes three percent commission on his contract to his agent Gary Wichard, who died in 2011. Wichard negotiated Suggs’ $62 million dollar contract in 2009 and died of diabetes shortly thereafter. Wichard had it written into the contract that the commission would go to his estate following his death. This irked Suggs, since his agent wasn’t doing a lot for his career as a dead guy. An arbitrator ruled against Suggs, who is now taking the matter to federal court. You don’t have time to read your contract. You pay someone else for that shit. Coincidentally the same guy who wrote it. Sports agents don’t stop being sleazy opportunists once they pass into the next life. Wichard’s legacy will live on as his kids sit back and soak up that contract money for years to come. It’s matrilineal so Wichard will get a cut of whatever Suggs little ones end up pulling in. Or they can work it off on the landscaping crew of his estate. Don’t start another Civil War Suggs. Pay the dead man his money.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Matt February 17, 2015 @ 7:32 AM
Eighty year old Texan poker champion Doyle Brunson is shockingly not accepting of Bruce Jenner’s gender transition. This shouldn’t come as a surprise since he doesn’t believe in evolution or even the power of Miracle Whip. Brunson tweeted his disapproval and never backed down because he’s eighty years old and fuck y’all. He’s seen the invention of the microwave and this magic box which records your thoughts. Also he recognizes Jenner primarily as an Olympian and not the boring purse holder on that show about the whores:
“I can’t believe Bruce Jenner is trying to become a woman? He was a hero of mine since I was involved in track long ago. #Sayitsnottrue… this man was an Olympic champion that set all kind of records. That’s a woman? My hero? Come on!… He may still be some people’s hero, but not me.”
It’s a lot for a guy of this generation to process. First dudes are wearing shoes without buckles and now they want to be the chick from Bull Durham? Jenner should have stopped being your hero a while ago. If this is the straw that broke the camel’s back you’re more tolerant than I am. Still, it’s important to keep in mind that for every ‘you go, girl’ shoutout from LGBT supporters there’s an old dude in a cowboy hat whose heart you just broke. Also, that lady you straight up killed.
Photo Credit: Twitter