Raffaella Modugno in A Swimsuit

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 9:27 AM

Raffaella Modugno Wears A White One PIece Thong To The Beach In Miami
Foreign models are always taking calls. It has to be important. Secret ops going down in Yemen. Laughing at the fact that their community college art classes are now free. Maybe just good news from the doctor that neither Canseco brother has made them pregnant. Now that God made the sun too dangerous for tanning, there’s tons of time to be filled. Yoga, paddle boards, phone sex calls to help cover your aesthetician bills. Nobody with options wants to marry a girl with hair in her ass. Call this life simple, you’re just plain wrong.

Photo Credit: Splash

Cara Delevingne Has the Gift

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 8:56 AM

Selena Gomez Touches Cara Delevingnes Chest
This is like some lesbian vampire Catherine Deneuve power that Cara Delevingne has over other women. Even now my vagina juices race through your blood compelling you to obey. I don’t care how many albums you sold, touch my titties, slave. It’s uncanny really. At some point Spade and Valderrama and Ray J are going to need to convene a priestly counsel and figure out to send this chick back to Hades before she leaves them only jaded scraps.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Getty

Demi Lovato Seems Healthier

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 8:34 AM

Demi Lovato Panty Peek Leaving With Boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama
Demi Lovato credits her boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama for banging the bulimia out of her. Demi’s been upchucking her food since kindergarten when her mom first pounded into her how good girls don’t. She meant eat. Not sex, because that came a couple years later when sold into the servitude of the raping purple dinosaur. Just fifteen years and a couple thousand self-injuries later, Demi has found solace in the arms of an older man who has fucked the eating disorders out of most of young Hollywood. Until he sees you shit out that sandwich, you get no special Wilmer hugs. I know you never thought of that angle for getting laid. Douchebag genius.

Photo Credit: Splash/PacificCoastNews

Tiger Woods Visited By Tooth Fairy, Bangs Her in the Ass (VIDEO)

By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

Tiger Woods went to watch Lindsey Vonn ski while rocking a creepy skull printed face mask and missing his front tooth. People noticed, because it’s pretty weird and it’s Tiger Woods and he’s fucking Lindsay Vonn. Woods’ agent released a bullshit sounding statement saying the tooth was knocked out by a news camera as he was being crowded by reporters in a tent. If you’re going to slander a certain group, you might to go for the people who don’t report on things professionally and can easily vet your story. Nicola Colli, the organizer of the event, said this:

“I was among those who escorted him from the tent to the snowmobile and there was no such incident.”

He sounds pretty confident. It’s unclear what actually happened, but most dudes don’t like it when they catch Tiger Woods balls deep in their girlfriend after her swing shift at Outback. Woods’ teeth have always looked like they were purchased at a boutique in SoHo and don’t look particularly human. I’m sure he can order a replacement online if he’s not distracted by his bookmarked torture porn while logging on. Woods out.

The Sun Scraps Tits

By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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British Tabloid The Sun has been showing topless chicks in their Page 3 section since 1969. That stopped as of last Friday with the Page 3 girls now wearing bikinis. Many in Britain apparently feel the tits were sexist. I thought it was also sexist not to allow bare lady chests when you’ve got a gay shirtless Hugh Jackman on the cover. I thought feminists wanted the right for tits to be exposed, not sent to their room like they’ve done something wrong. I guess. Isn’t it repressive to tell these models they need to cover themselves up? Would that not equate to body shaming? Is censorship progressive? If the models were being exploited does a bikini top solve the problem? Maybe we should ask the models. After all, it’s their body not your social experiment. Are tits bad or just guys who like them? Feels like we’re moving the wrong direction. Anti-tits people lose their moral high ground today and The Sun lost their last four readers. The tits go away and everybody loses.

Photo Credit: TheSun.com 

Rail Yard Fitness Guy Felled By Train (VIDEO)

By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Greg Plitt, fitness guru and star of Bravo’s short lived series Work Out, was killed by a train he was running in front of when he tripped and fell and the train ran over him. In case you’re not familiar with the laws of physics, you do not want to get run over by a train. Even a model toy train is liable to cause light damage. Plitt often filmed workout scenes at the railroad yard because he loved gritty tough guy stuff and also because it’s free if nobody catches you. At the time of his death Plitt was attempting to outrun the train as it travelled behind him. I’ve you’ve never seen the footing on railroad track it could be described as somewhere between iffy and you gonna die. In contrast, treadmills are pretty safe  Should you ever find yourself cranking weights in an industrial yard, you’re going the wrong way.

 

By way of worthy epilogue: Greg Pitt was a former distinguished Army Ranger and West Point grad. Neither a coward or a dummy, though admittedly not the wisest guy when it came to train stunts.

Hope Solo, Jerramy Stevens Model Americans

By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Solo

Former NFL player Jerramy Stevens was arrested for drunk driving as he was so wasted he failed to spell his name correctly in a sobriety test. Granted, look at how fucked up his parents spelled Jeremy and you might let the guy go. His wife Hope Solo was in the car and went berserk while working the “Do you know who we are?” line. Yeah you’re the chick who beats up family members? And you’re that rapist guy. You get in the cruiser and you shut the fuck up. To answer your inevitable question, yes, you may use the dashboard cam footage for pitching your reality show. Just stop yelling. I’ve seen pictures of your hairy genitals and your scratchy voice is reminding me of them.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Mario Lopez Got A Head Start

By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

lopez

Mario Lopez lost his virginity at age 12 and regrets it for unknown reasons or most likely thought it was awesome then and is just pretending:

“I didn’t know what I was doing. It shouldn’t even count. But I figured it out and I didn’t even enjoy it because I didn’t know what I was doing … I can’t believe I was that foolish. Everybody grows up quick in the hood. Everybody starts things a lot younger than they probably need to.”

I guess I’ll take your word that you’re from The Hood, although that term technically applies to any street with houses. I think Lopez is being hard on himself. I totally get why he did this. He was twelve and some chick allowed him to. You take that bet a hundred times out of a hundred. The only shocking revelation here is Lopez didn’t know how to fuck like a porn star as a youngster. I think he’s losing his grasp on history.

Photo Credit: Instagram