Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Tit Showdown

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 10:13 AM

Kylie Jenner And Kourtney Kardashian Bikinis In St. Barts
These Jenner girls are going to outdo their hag half-sisters by some multiples of stupid money. They’re not infected with Dead Bob genetics, instead they got the lineage of a gold medal father who makes a half-decent looking old woman. Kylie Jenner’s Val-u-pack tits are fifteen years younger, firmer, and less covered in the residual goo of Moroccan men with gold by the inch vending cart empires. The entire family has been in St. Bart’s filming Whores on Parade and receiving awards from the local governor for bringing attention to the plight of plastic surgery addicted midgets. I could stare at those tits all day long. Or I could empty my bank account and touch Kyle over the bra for 2 minutes plus some seconds. Raw capitalism isn’t dead. It just smells like Armenian snatch. Again.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Viagra For Sober Women

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 9:30 AM


Some pharmaceutical company I’d invest heavily in four weeks ago is launching the first ever prescription drug treatment for women who aren’t horny enough to want sex. It’s being called the little pink pill, because Viagra is the blue pill and that has sold in the many billions of dollars. Feminists are quick to point out that there are twenty prescription medications for getting men hard but there has never been a pill to make women feel like humping. Obviously a vast pharma conspiracy against making money. Or the fact that science, much like every man on this planet and most women themselves, have no real clue what makes women horny short of outlet shopping and hearing about horrible shit happening to women they hate at the office.

Even the makers of this little pink pill have no real idea why it causes women to feel more like plunging something in their vaginas. It just does. With the glaring warning note that the pill can not be taken in conjunction with any alcoholic beverages. Or, as alcohol has been known throughout the ages, that thing that previously most made women want to have sex. While the pink pill has shown some inclinations for some women in terms of sexual desire, there’s no way it can match spiked punch at a sorority pre-party in terms of getting loose. I’d forecast mixed results at best in terms of improving the sex life. Still, if your lady wants it, I’d encourage her fully. Provided you don’t mind fucking a chick with moderate nausea and gas. Science!

Hackers Name Every Marriage Cheater in Canada and the More Important U.S.

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 8:59 AM


Anonymous hackers followed through on their threat to expose the private information of Ashley Madison subscribers by posting thirty million plus customer records onto the web via the Tor browser which allows for anonymous web surfing in the same manner that Ashley Madison allowed for anonymous online affairs. If you happen to be TMZ, a concerned spouse, or Russian credit card thieves, these millions of records will prove to be a treasure trove of personal information. The hacker group had threatened Ashley Madison to completely shut down or face release of all of their user records including credit card information and sexual fetish preferences. Ashley Madison went with the choice that fucked over their customers who they had been fucking over for years with fake female profiles and scam services on their site. Also, it might be time to return that Trusted Security Award medallion.

This is a dirty business all the way round, as cheating should be. If it were easy, everybody would be doing it. Fucking over millions of people’s personal financial information seems a rather harsh remedy, but a solid reminder that absolutely nothing online is private. If you want to fuck a chick not your wife, you once more need to identify find the woman at the office who makes very poor decisions and convince her to meet you in motels for completely forgettable casual sex. Or just not get married, the option least considered by people who want to fuck around.

Amber Rose Catfish Bait

By Matt August 19, 2015 @ 8:29 AM


Some weird Russians as opposed to the normal genial barbecuing types you see in the movies used Amber Rose to bait desperate third world whores into a prostitution ring. Rose had no idea, but they could have just asked her. There’s not much more information, but apparently they just used one of her arcane Instagram video posts and pretended Rose was on board to recruit voluntary victims. What’s unclear is what straight male wants to fuck Vin Diesel in a ladies swimsuit. The LAPD is investigating in between tasering eight year olds for waving their snow cones in a threatening manner. I’ve never gone gay, but I’ve always thought if you’re going to do something do it right. Fuck this middle ground. Blow Joe Montana. This dude with a pussy is just fucking creepy. Derek Jeter’s let himself go.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Super Hot Chick And Dork Bad Role Models

By Matt August 19, 2015 @ 7:55 AM


This dude named Aric Keck is a 51 year old fanny pack toting choad with a smoking hot 26 year old girlfriend. He invests. You’re saying women aren’t shallow or people are inherently opportunistic? Same thing. It’s just harder for dudes to get away with. Showing off your balls doesn’t garner a lot of acclaim. Lay back, it will he over with soon enough. He doesn’t work at the Costco. Keck has visitation rights with his six year old son, presumingly conceived via a fertile mother and not the trollop he was consolidating errands with. They went to eat at some bullshit chain restaurant he thought was hip, and he felt like finger banging her in peace so he locked his child in the car while they carried on their business. The kid freaked out, understandably, and called his real mom, who was salivating to call the police on her douche bag ex husband instead of maybe personally driving to help him out or calling the dude first. That would mean missing the conclusion of Matlock and also not getting back at that whore you’re angry at because her tits are juicy. I’m sure he’s got a good lawyer. Let’s see who the kid hires.

Photo Credit: Facebook 


Jared To Plead Guilty

By Lex August 19, 2015 @ 7:29 AM


Formerly fat Subway spokesman Jared Fogle is set to take a plea deal for possessing child porn on his computer and paying to have sex with a minor. Two things you’re not supposed to do, even if slightly less distasteful than eating two processed turkey sandwiches at Subway every day for five years. Russell Taylor, The guy who ran Fogle’s Foundation to fight childhood obesity, was arrested in April of this year for producing and distributing child porn and potentially diddling a bunch of young diabetics at Foundation events. When the cops surrounded Fogle’s home in July and started removing his computers, it was pretty clear they weren’t there to capture the secret recipe for Subway chipotle mayonnaise. It was also clear that Fogle is still a lazy bastard who couldn’t bother to erase his hard drives with a three month lead. It’s always sad when you discover that your heroes are pigs. Even just the guy who goes to schools and holds up his formerly giant jeans to show you how eating frozen and artificial lunch products can turn you from a fat loser into a healthy child porn enthusiast. Good touch bad touch will have more meaning when you get to prison.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Update: Jared Fogle’s wife is filing for divorce. She’s citing irreconcilable differences. More specifically, Jared likes fucking kids and she’s 38.

Jesus Christ Gets Hitched

By Matt August 19, 2015 @ 6:25 AM


38 year old Jessica Hayes from Fuck Yourself Indiana married Jesus Christ in a ridiculous spectacle called becoming a Consecrated Virgin. The 48 dudes she’d blown prior rolled their eyes from the Sonic drive thru. This raises more than a few question: Isn’t polygamy illegal and how could Jesus legally marry more than one idiot? If you get married don’t you legally have to be present and sign a few documents? Hasn’t Jesus been dead for like roughly 2,000 years and where are my Christmas presents?

Consecrated Virgins are apparently similar to nuns except better looking and lazier and too dumb to teach super biased science classes because they stutter on cue when asked about the dinosaurs. What the fuck is going on in Indiana? Apparently not very much. If Jesus ever bails on you come by my beach house we’ll pray and immediately fuck. I don’t have his abs but on the plus side I got smokes for after sex.

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Trump Takes on Facebook

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 12:37 PM


Donald Trump takes on the big names. Occasionally, illegal immigrant ice cream cart vendors and masa kneading abuelitas, but at times, direct for the gullet of the rich and powerful in his own class. Trump’s latest Tourette’s like outburst was targeted at Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who is widely admired despite being the world’s largest Bond villain gatherer of private information and also a nipple fearing spastic human Nerf. Trump claims that Zuckerberg and his Silicon Valley CEO ilk are pushing for more and more H1B Indian and Pakistani dude work visas because they can hire people who love curry for seventy cents on the dollar what they would have to pay American tech workers to do the same job. Trump claims this is hurting women and minorities because it never hurts to mention women and minorities.

This H1B bullshit has been going on in high tech companies for several years now. Trump’s high pitched outrage might mean something if the program wasn’t so heavily supported by Trump’s own party and their significant cash backers. At some point the tawny hair plugged billionaire is going to have to come to terms with the fact that almost everything that pisses him off is shit backed the (R) under his primary run nameplate. This is why he will ultimately run as an independent, not win, throw the election to Hillary Clinton, then go half-staff fuck a model and play a round a golf and fire or sue anyone who ever brings up even a mention of him running for President. That shrunken apple headed witch is going to be our next President. I’m pretty sure this is how it goes down.

Photo credit: Getty Images