By Jack October 14, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Kesha is suing her producer Dr. Luke alleging that he liked to drug and fondle her, specifically in that order. He also supposedly called her fat so often that she started taking the drugs herself before the fondling. I normally abhor jury duty, but I’d show up for this run.
Read all about the Kesha being abused by her slimeball producer. (The Superficial)
Zach Galifianakis no longer looks like fat Jesus. Now he’s just regular Jesus size. (Huffington Post)
I would gladly lick all the cream off of Chelsea Lipp’s titty balls. (Drunken Stepfather)
Rachel Hilbert is all kinds of hot in a black bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kate Upton uses her tits to sell shit for Express. (Popoholic)
Mickey Rourke in spandex is very disturbing. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney naked on a beach. That is all. (COED)
By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 11:02 AM
Fuck if I didn’t just praise Miley Cyrus. Why remind the world that god forsook you with little soy eating boy mammaries? Nobody escapes the dry wit of genetics.
Photo Credit: MTRX/AKM-GSI
By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 10:10 AM
At some point the job of blond bombshell in Hollywood got a whole lot harder. Back in the day you giggled and showed off your tits at premieres and got snuck into the back door of the White House. Eventually you got into pills and booze and were dead by thirty. Neat and clean. Now you have to compare the leak of your kitty pics to sex crimes, panel discuss the complexity of being a working woman in film, and still have the energy to coax Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband into a state of musical genius semi-erection. I bet gin and barbiturates are looking pretty good right about now.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
I’m not sure why all the ringer dancers on these reality shows look like out of thick high school cheerleaders who had trouble catching their breath. The ones you thought you had a chance with at the after game keg party because they were in between football linemen boyfriends and they bitched about having to spend every other weekend at their dad’s. I think it’s great that somebody invented a sport where these stackable girls can put on globs of makeup and trip the light fantastic with a bunch of dudes who always seem to be leaving Derek Hough’s house early in the morning. It’s more a sport than golf, less a sport than every other sport in the world. Yes, I know ballroom dancing is super fucking hard. So is working a table saw with just your semi-erect dick. Also, not a sport.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Miley Cyrus went on Australian morning television and declared the key to happiness is a whole bunch of empty phrases while fully aware the real answer is being super fucking high and getting laid often. Which it truly is. When you’re twenty one and you can cover off all the deadbeats in your family with a check you don’t even notice and you’ve still got resources for a pony, dank, and all the twat pleasing you need, what else are you missing? Miley might do all sorts of rodent faced creepy shit on stage but she’s not a cunty fucker like Justin Bieber who will take a life before his run is complete. She’s just a chick who wants to play dress up and fuck and bank some cash. The more that sinks in, the more I realize Miley Cyrus might be my favorite person in Hollywood.
By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 8:27 AM
There’s always next year.
By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 7:48 AM
Chris Brown tweeted his half assed opinion that Ebola is apparently a government engineered form of population control. There was some liberty involved in that summary because it took longer to hash out than Brown’s own opinion:
“I don’t know … But I think this Ebola epidemic is a form of population control. Shit is getting crazy bruh.”
When you try and explain the lunar eclipse to your nephew you have to bullshit most of it because you don’t really know what you’re talking about. Chris Brown is so dumb he is forced to do this when ordering at IHOP. Silver dollar pancakes, huh? Can you fucking eat those?
Black folks are notoriously suspicious that everything that hurts or kills black people came about through a government conspiracy. That’s only right like half the time. Chris Brown is more likely come by his social and political views by way of contact high with the one dude in his posse who has Daily Kos accidentally bookmarked on his Galaxy browser. When Chris Brown ends up in real prison he will inevitably grow a beard and wear reading glasses, at which point his mind numbingly stupid regurgitations will be met with esteem from the hand full of nineteen year olds forced to listen to him because he is bogarting the cafeteria table.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 7:48 AM
Sometimes when your dad contracts HIV through a fondness of boy girl boy orgies whilst married to your mother you don’t want to be familiar with the details of his life anymore. This plight is especially compounded when dad succeeds in becoming a beloved figurehead whose charitable tax write offs are seen as benevolent gestures. This anger manifests itself in absurdly passive aggressive ways, like your son becoming a 1970′s movie cliche queen stereotype and your adopted daughter implying she doesn’t give a shit about you so long as her trust fund remains in good standing. When asked about the Dodgers first round playoff collapse, Elisa Johnson blithely stated:
“My dad is probably doing really well … I don’t really watch baseball.”
Absorb that jab from your refurbished recliner, Magic. I’m surprised she wasn’t wearing a Matt Carpenter jersey with the slogan, My Real Dad Doesn’t Have The AIDS, written across it trouncing around Dodger Stadium. I’m not sure Magic has had one conversation with any given family member since signing the gag order. It’s a modern day Mexican Standoff where everyone wins or loses depending on how you look at it. Except for the Dodgers. They definitely lost.
Photo Credit: Instagram