It’s still downright baffling how someone who is 35 and constantly looks like she smells like a brewery like Michelle Rodriguez was able to score a lesbian fling with model Cara Delevingne, but sometimes the experimental bisexual love of two famous and wealthy people knows no bounds. But Cara’s new ad campaign for Yves Saint Laurent allowed her to seduce and kiss someone who’s more on her level, because she’s kissing herself, or at least a mirror image of herself, in this lipstick commercial. If anything, this could be the video that finally proves to all the government assholes who oppose cloning that there are benefits of the controversial testing and procedures that far outweigh the cries of the pussies that claim it’s all for saving mankind.
Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn’t bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she’s back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of “fashion,” she’s squeezing her big old mom tits into tight dresses for the sake of “fashion.” Where was she going with her breasts crammed so tight that the escape of just one could have caused a 5.5 on the Richter scale? I don’t know, but I’m sure her date paid plenty.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
I like when people with problems misdirect negative attention by making up problems for other people. Like when people who love to booze got sick of being labeled alcoholics so they all chipped in loose change from their ashtrays and bought a study that showed that people who don’t drink daily are going to die by thirty from alien parasites or something. People who like coffee and chocolate and unprotected anal sex have all done the same. Now the fatty fats have gone on the offensive, challenging the healthiness of skinny people. Frances Chan is feeling the brunt of skinny shaming, which is not quite as bad as fat shaming since fat people have less energy to shame other people. All Frances wanted to be was a super cliche smart Asian student in the Ivy League. But, no, health officials at Yale threatened to expel her for being too not fat. She didn’t even need to wear leggings with oversized sweatshirts like her fellow students to cover up her Northeastern liberal arts college bulge. To prove the point that she was no anorexic, Frances quadrupled her daily caloric intake to a gross amount equalling nearly one Olive Garden meal. After a month of mass consumption, she had put on zero weight, proving that she was naturally skinny and quite healthy. The fat trolls had to squeeze back into their Oscar Meyer sponsored caverns and figure out a new strategy of destroying people who don’t see pie as one of the two major food groups along with even more pie. Fat people have scored some major wins over the past few years. Airline seat belt extensions, non-discrimination policies at all you can eat buffets, and Obamacare to pay for their new hearts and shopping mall electric scooters. But today was a victory for the girls whose bones you can hear creaking during sex and you have to keep asking if they’re okay. All hail the eerily skinny chicks. They shall be our salvation.
People don’t appreciate the fine art of multitasking until they see Rihanna able to smoke weed, get fitted for a new bluetooth wireless headset, and point her ass toward the cumulus formations all within the span of hours. Rihanna’s funky new feminist poses ought to serve as the new caricature female in all sixth grade sexual education classes. I remember seeing that drawing of a standing naked woman and wondering how the hell I get myself up in there. But this pose, even a lemur who grew up without a daddy could figure out the slotting. If Chris Brown could only see what he’s not slapping and calling ‘bitch’ since he got locked up, I bet he’d become a much nicer guy.
Photo credit: INFPhoto
For years we stared into the gaping lower maw of Khloe Kardashian in yoga pants, her massive lips flapping like Mothra into impossible flight. Then Khloe got wise and with a paid consumer tie-in, solved her vag lines problem
I’ve learned my lesson a million times. I wear Spanx so I don’t get a camel toe!” — Khloe sounding wise beyond her hears in ITN Interview.
And Khloe isn’t even the smart one in the family. You’d think she’s have taught Kendall a similar lesson about flashing her labia majora in the public eye. Unless there was some sinister force lurking in the darkness encouraging Kendall to actually show off her sweaty lady parts. Some mindless crone who absorbs fame and money like sunlight to plants. Some Sith creature with fake nipples that smell like stale Twizzlers and an unquenchable desire to exploit her own young for shits and giggles. As if such a hellish creature existed anywhere but in our nightmares.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
I inherently want any child of Sean Penn to be successful. I feel the same way about abused and neglected dogs. I want them to be adopted into nice homes, or at least to be distracted by pictures of juicy bones to distract while being gassed. Being born Sean Penn’s daughter has to be seen as an unlucky twist of Fate. Even the random Asian babies shipped to obsessively neat gay couples in Hollywood feel bad for you. It’s good fortune when you can grow up and find your happiness niche taking off your clothes in magazines. Everybody gets to feel better about themselves. You’re vindicated. The Asian babies are happy. Sean Penn gets to roid rage battle dudes at the gym talking shit about his girl. This couldn’t have possibly worked out better for everybody.
Photo Credit: Treats
I’ve spent time in Italy. Every girl looks like the kind of girl you’d be tempted to make babies with and every dude looks like some swarthy beast who’s just been banging one these girls between the sheets. It’s a nation that looks like a porn set. Somehow nobody is making babies. It’s got more people dying than being born, a negative population growth, leaving the rest of the world facing the grim future of having to go elsewhere for their canned plum tomatoes and wacky foreign game shows. Lots of analysts are blaming the crappy economy and lack of hope in the future on people deciding not to have kids. Those people have never been to every single third world nation where people breed like desperate rabbits after taking their morning dumps in the open shit canal running through the village. The Catholics are blaming contraception and abortion. I don’t know. I live in California where they’re passing out Smuckers flavored condoms to the kids and girls who haven’t had their first abortion by high school grad night are seen as developmentally retarded. Yet, there are live screaming babies everywhere. Chicks like Italian actress Federica Torti are coming to America just to get filled up with offspring. Or she might just be on vacation. You probably should inquire with her first before pulling down your shorts and raising your hand. But if she does call on you, just say politely, Italy has a problem and my cock is here to solve it. That can’t not work.
Photo Credit: Splash
Every actress has to start somewhere, and if you’re lucky enough to have nice tits like Anne Greene, you get to start out on Cinemax filming simulated sex scenes. Anne Green signed up to be one of the assembly line of girls to bare their titties on Femme Fatale so that she could pay her rent and maybe meet a producer who had a buddy who has a friend who has a small part for her in his legit production. But when the director yelled ‘action’, Anne suddenly discovered her modesty. According to True Crimes, LLC, the company that produces Femme Fatale and is now suing Anne for $85K , it said right in her contract that all performers will be filmed butt naked. Specifically, no pasties. But when it came time to shoot, Anne discovered nipple Jesus and they had to temporarily halt the filming of the key dramatic fucking scene that makes or breaks the entire genius Cinemax narrative. The producers had to scramble to find a body double to flash her titties in the scene and now they want Anne to pay up for being such a monster pain in the ass. If nothing else, this lawsuit sets a precedent to get people to quit bitching about jobs they take that suck. We’ve all had shitty jobs to pay the rent. Do them and shut the fuck up. If it violates your moral code of conduct, don’t sign up for it. This isn’t one of those white slavery incidents where you got plucked off the street by a guy who told you you’d be perfect for a burqa modeling show in Kuwait only to learn you now have to suck some fat sheik’s dick or else you can never go home. It’s Cinemax. I know you’re really a pediatric nurse or a rescue puppy breeder for your day job. There’s no shame in flashing your boobs for some extra cash at night. Shame comes from within. As will the $85K you’re about to owe a bunch of softcore porn producers because of your latter day conversion. Congratulations, Anne.
Photo Credit: Cinemax/Femme Fatale (Yeah, that’s Anne Greene or her body double)