Florida Arresting Old Man For Feeding Homeless (VIDEO)

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 7:23 AM

The City of Fort Lauderdale has arrested a 90 year old World War II vet named Arnold Abbott twice in the past two days because he feeds homeless people, a charitable act he has been doing for over twenty years. The city’s mayor Jack Sieler has defended the arrests because he is a bad guy from a shitty Bruce Willis movie:

“Mr. Abbott has decided that he doesn’t think these individuals should have to have any interaction with government, that they should be fed in the parks. We disagree.”

Since when is everyone supposed to be fed through the government? Government exists as a safety net for those in need. In this case nobody needs it. Arnold’s got it covered. The food looks piping hot pretty fucking spectacular. Explain where you come into the equation, Mayor Jack? Student Council nimrods really never go away, their dicks just get smaller and their rule books thicker.

Honey Boo Boo’s Family Seems Fucked Up

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 6:39 AM

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Mama June’s daughter Anne Marie “Chickadee” Cardwell, who was molested by her mother’s boyfriend when she was eight years old, thinks her younger sister Pumpkin was fathered by the same pedo boyfriend. If this seems confusing you’ve thought about it more than them. The situation is leading to some internal strife in the family, as Cardwell told a sad faced and appropriately judgmental Dr. Drew:

“Out of all the kids we have, Mama does not know who Pumpkin’s daddy is. And Pumpkin thinks it’s Mark, which kind of hurts my feelings, because Mama is making her believe that someone who did that to me is her father. Now Pumpkin hates me for it.”

Even redneck logic only goes half way to explaining that statement. Cardwell says she still talks to her mom, who may or may not be suddenly dying of cancer. Mama June is unwilling to discuss the child rape issues because it would mean facing the harsh reality that she’s a a morbidly obese vermin filled with a festering guilt she is mistaking as cancer. Simply discussing her life would be akin to dropping six tabs of acid and rummaging around a mausoleum. June wants to avoid descending into Lucifer’s dungeon as long as possible. In the meantime there’s a special on donuts and orange soda at Kroger’s.

Photo Credit: HLN

Jennifer Lawrence Boycotts The Internet

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence is adamant she will never join Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, is on the fence about Plenty Of Fish and will most likely invest in some carrier pigeons. Lawrence went out of her way to specify that she’s basically a technophobe out of protest for the fact you can see where her babies will come from on the Internet:

“I really like laser focused… It’s because the Internet has scorned me so much that I feel like it’s that girl in high school that I’m like, ‘Oh you want to talk about her? Yeah I’ll do that!’ Take my hoops off, I’m ready to go.”

Lawrence should look at the Fappening as a blessing in disguise. When Larry Bird’s father committed suicide it drove him to become the best player in the world. It sucks everyone saw you masturbating but on the bright side you don’t have to waste your time interacting with a bunch of dipshits on Twitter. I’d gladly broadcast a colonoscopy in exchange for not having to click Like on Facebook a hundred times a day so I don’t offend my female friends and leave my male friends wondering if I’m gay and unemployed.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

I’m from Veteran Affairs And I’m Here To Help You

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 2:07 PM

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The people we most distastefully shit on more than any other group in this country isn’t the people forever bitching the loudest. It is our military service veterans. Those people we ask to crawl in distant dirt and smudge out backwards people with evil intentions so we can peacefully eat nachos and watch football back at home. Many of these volunteers return with missing limbs and broken bodies and horrific psychological trauma and we tell them to go piss in a pot. Actually, go wait in a line to piss in a pot. It’s totally fucking shameful. It’s not just the Handsomest President Ever, though he does seem to care far more about returning bitchy Ebola nurses than returning veterans. It’s some systemic apathy about people we paid crappy to do our dirty work and then stiffed when the job was done. Who the fuck does that?

In response to the forty veterans who died from lies and lack of service at the VA in Phoenix, the Veterans Affairs Department is launching something they’re calling MyVA. If you’re familiar at all with online banking or health insurance you know that putting the words ‘My’ in front of the company or organization name is intended to make you feel a personalized level of service. Fuck, this is just for me. Thank you, Blue Cross Jesus. If the history of government departmental reorganizations provides us any insight, it’s that there will be a ton of movement with little progress. Nothing changes until the carrot and stick do. You can tell your girlfriend you give a shit about her inane family drama stories, but until she cuts off the vagina, you’re not really listening.

This isn’t a question of just money or even supporting decisions to go to war. I’m not so strong about half the shit we’re involved in running around the world as the planetary police force. It’s about supporting the troops once they’re sent in, and just as importantly, supporting them once they get home. Mahatma Ghandi said the greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. PETA loves that shit. But Ghandi was a pussy and we eat animals. The greatness of this nation in large part should be measured by how we treat the men and women we asked to die for it. Right now, it’s deplorable. Something to ponder on Veteran’s Day.

If you’re interested: Wounded Warrior Project.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Nina Agdal Poses In Lingerie

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

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There’s a special place in Hell for people who Photoshop nipples out of perfectly good pictures. Image editing software was invented to put Emma Watson’s head on nude bodies, not to smudge out nature’s own finer bits. In the dark ages, maybe the middle ages or the Renaissance, the popes ordered artists to lop off all the exposed junk in classic sculptures and paintings because Jesus hates genitals even though his dad keeps on making them. Most of us no longer shit in the river or believe that leeches can cure our ass cancers, we need to progress in the moral arts as well. Me and the Willis girls and Michelle Obama are going to free those nipples whether you like it or not. Be ready, America.

Photo Credit: Love Haus

Candice Swanepoel Is Nearly Ready

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Candice Swanepoel Behind The Scenes Fitting Into 2014 Victoria Secret Lingerie
Once a year Victoria’s Secret takes two dozen of the best looking models in the world and dramatically overdresses them for an exceptionally lame special on CBS. It’s the only primetime programming CBS runs during the year not aimed at convalescing seniors and the catatonic. Usually Justin Bieber or some other douche shows up and his buddies dare him to finger one of the girls who stopped caring about assaults not involving their face when they were seven.

The airing date is s national holiday in Myanmar where the children too short to ride Space Mountain exit their lingerie sewing factories to consume three boiled peanuts and watch the show on the communal Magnavox in the town square. If you could see the smiles on the faces of the juvenile workforce you’d know this shit was all worthwhile. It might actually be grimaces from repressing the pain of early onset arthritis, but those little bastards still light up like angels.

Photo Credit: E!News

Eminem Is Pissing People Off Again And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 11, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Hey! It’s fifteen years ago and Slim Shady is pissing people off. In a new song he says he wants to punch Lana Del Rey like Ray Rice did to his wife and people are in a tizzy about it because it’s controversial and dangerous talk and not at all designed to garner media attention and sell records.

Read about Marshall acting up again. (Dlisted)

Matt Damon talks about the beauty of Ben Affleck’s cock. (TMZ)

Allison Williams talks about her body to tell people to stop talking about her body. (Huffington Post)

Emma Ahlund wears see-through underwear and you can see her thingies. (Drunken Stepfather)

Barbara Palvin is nekkid and all is well. (Hollywood Tuna)

Terra Jo Wallace wears a bikini like a fucking champ. (Popoholic)

Rosie Jones and other hotties play football in slo-mo. (COED)

Maitland Ward Seems Smarter Than Most

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 11:07 AM

Maitland Ward Strips Down To Nothing For Descent Into The Malestrom Photoshoot
This former kid TV actress wasn’t getting much work so she decided to just go everywhere nerds go and show off her big boobs. It would sound simply moronic if it wasn’t working perfectly. And proving once again that a woman with large tits will never go hungry.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI