The Simpsons Limping To The Finish

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 7:40 AM

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The Simpsons are still on television contrary to that emotional retrospective at this year’s Emmys. I haven’t watched it in roughly fifty years but I understand the voice actors have negotiated the rights to my house when I pass away. Harry Shearer, who voiced the roles of Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Kent Brockman, and many others, has left the show after a negotiation fallout regarding merchandising royalties. Showing up twice a week and eating jelly bellies is a pain in the ass. I’ve got half a billion and I never forgot how you skimped me on that Papa John’s back in ’87. Fuck you and your fucking show because it sucks now and that’s for making me lick the toilet seat. The dude that does Bart is creeping me out. Plus those private helicopter rides were killing me. Maui looks so much closer on the map. God I hope Ashton Kuther’s available. Shalom. 

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Juliette Lewis Something Wrong

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

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Juliette Lewis is 41 although thetans never die or go gay. She was survived by her camel toe. I don’t know how this happens but don’t show up to hormone replacement therapy in a Hoveround or they tend to up the ante. When dry humping can send your date to the hospital there’s something wrong. Thanks for opening that jar of mayonnaise. It belonged to Bing Crosby. I’d definitely still hit it but I could teach this chick a few things about cheddar popcorn. Your street cred just took a nose dive. According to Jay Z you should either gain a hundred and five pounds or grow a bigger dick. Stay out of Woolworths.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Selena Gomez Knows The Climate

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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After Selena Gomez was apparently fat shamed on Instagram by trolls hired by her public relations team, she decided to speak out on behalf of all the twenty two year old chicks who could maybe lose six ounces:

“IM IN the business and I could care less about what ‘they’ or you said I should look like. I don’t need to do anything other than love myself, take care of my work, fans, family and friends… And I do work out. It’s not your place to tell anyone what they should or should not do.”

You shouldn’t stick your finger in the toaster. That could lead to cancer. Getting saline bagletts implanted into your body with a rusty scalpel still lacks a scientific consensus. Like vitamins or reading the news. I don’t want to be cynical but I think Gomez is capitalizing on the whole body image movement fiasco. I’ll play hard ball. Mexican chicks are like a soft cheese. Delicious and then check the expiration date. This one says 25. The thing about fans is, they’re fickle. Not really inclined to have your back if they can’t touch their fingers around it. I didn’t ask for this card but I’ll play it. Why is your thigh a lego?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

68th Annual Cannes Red Carpet

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 12:13 PM

68th Annual Cannes Red Carpet
Cannes started again. Nobody can seem to stop it. Cannes is the annual film event in the South of France where European people you don’t know but are quite certain you would hate mix with Americans you know you hate to celebrate movies you will never watch. Roman Polanski will merge with Sean Penn and form a mega-roid-child-raping self satisfied beast that accepts the French adulation, followed shortly by their terms free surrender. Tons of good looking women show up so you’d go and pretend you fucking loved it if you had the chance. That’s pretty much the breakdown of every formal event ever. Wear a suit if you’re expecting to be laid or paid. You can thank me thirty years from now when it’s far too late.

Photo Credit: Getty

Depp’s Dogs On Death’s Door And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 14, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Walking caricature Johnny Depp sneaked his yorkies into Australia and the Aussies are pissed because every time the white man brings new animals onto the island continent, more kangaroos die. Look for the dogs to be slaughter in the bush.

Read all about Depp’s Australian trouble. (TMZ)

Miley Cyrus dresses like a whore butterfly. (Egotastic)

Kourtney Kardashian poses in a swimsuit with a snake. Unfortunately the snake did not constrict. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez uses her tits to sell Adidas. (Drunken Stepfather)

Brazilian game show has hot girls play Twister in bathing suits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Megan Fox flashes some lovely cleavage. (Popoholic)

Tits!That bounce! (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Is Open to Interpretation

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Paris Hilton Is The Queen Of Fucking Everything
There are two ways to read Paris Hilton’s new motto. I choose to go with the more degrading. She will fuck everything. This doesn’t sound like something to brag about necessarily, unless you can turn your hundred million trust fund into two hundred million in trust fund plus DJ and fragrance fees. Her eye didn’t go lazy, it’s just cockeyed from staring up from men’s waistbands and letting them know they’ll be taking three thousand cases. That’s not a cum splash, that’s a signature. You have to be the queen of something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Is Here (VIDEO)

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:35 AM

Courtney Stodden Sex Tape Stills
What defines a sex tape? Sex? Tape? You got that here. After three long days of a brutally long promotional cycle, Vivid is releasing the Courtney Stodden sex tape to the public. It’s unclear whether demand will mimic the throngs of people lined up for the Disneyland opening in the 1950′s, or whether it will be more like Disneyland today with mostly Asians buying online with coupon codes. It’s pretty clear the days of I’m going to film you fucked up and show everybody your vagina sex tapes are long gone. There’s still illegally hacked shit like in The Fappening, but the commercially distributed celebrity sex tapes are not even hiding the professional porn lighting these days. The fact they all seem to take place in the same hotel room in Vegas can still be written off as a coincidence. If you pay her, she will just come back for more. If you don’t pay her, she’ll have to come back for more. I’ll noodle on this conundrum and get back to you.

You can see the Courtney Stodden topless sex tape teaser and photos on Egotastic.

You can download-buy the Courtney Stodden sex tape on Vivid.

Photo/Video Credit: Vivid for Egotastic.com

Lindsay Lohan Doing the Impossible

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 9:14 AM

Lindsay Lohan Web Of Lies
Lindsay Lohan has ten days left to perform 140 hours of community service as prescribed by the court to pretend they’re punishing her from one of he last four legal offenses. Lindsay’s trying to max out at a childcare center in Brooklyn but the place isn’t even open that many hours a day for Lindsay to clock in and out. Also, some people are beginning to question the wisdom of letting convicts do their service time at childcare centers. Sometimes that click takes a while. Lohan will have to be run through a formal background check wherein they will discover that she’s no more dangerous than her own mother in terms of being around children. So the kids have a slightly better than not chance of living though eating disorders and self-medication with Craigslist grade prescription drugs seems a given. Parents at the center didn’t seem to have much problem with Lindsay Lohan being around their kids which just goes to show how desperate moms are for childcare. It’s just booze and cocaine and some bad decisions. They’ll be fine.

Photo Credit: Instagram