Prostate Cancer Foundation Rejects Jennifer Lawrence Sticky Dollars

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

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The Prostate Cancer Foundation rejected $6,000 dollars in donations that were contributed in the name Jennifer Lawrence’s “honor”, apparently by people wanking to her leaked nude photos. The Reddit page donation link was a way for those who felt bad about looking at the hacked photos to clear their conscience by helping curing guy cancer. The joke is that jerking off is good for your prostate. That’s what my high school gym teacher used to tell me when he helped me at least. The foundation decided not to accept the donations and said:

“We would never condone raising funds for cancer research in this manner. Out of respect for everyone involved and in keeping with our own standards, we are returning all donations that resulted from this post.”

If masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence’s perfect titties is going to help men have superior prostate health and also raise money to find a cure for this horrid disease, how can the damn Prostate Cancer Foundation be against it? Do they really track down and research the moral legitimacy of all their donors? They’ve probably taken donations from rapists and murderers in the past and not even blinked an eyelash. Bad people giving good money is good money. Stop judging, take the six grand, and cure some fucking cancer. That’s how you respect Jennifer Lawrence.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Penn State Nearing Image Makeover

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

PSU

Sneazy the Squirrel is a craze on Penn State’s campus. Sneazy is a real squirrel who is regularly dressed up in outfits by Mary Krupa, who has been dubbed the Squirrel Whisperer and clearly has a killer campus social life. Krupa wrote a first person bio of Sneazy on her Facebook page, which indicates she should probably be banned from the clock tower:

“This year, I met a special person who brings me tasty food almost every day. She proposed a business deal: I’d wear tiny hats and allow myself to be petted, and she’d pay me in nuts. I just love nuts, and because I am a friendly squirrel, I agreed. People sure do look surprised when they see me in a hat, but it usually makes them very happy!”

Sneazy’s Facebook page has over 21,00o likes and is quickly becoming PSU’s de facto mascot. This might be a good thing considering when most people see the Nittany Lion their first thought is to rescue young boys from the shower. Kobe Bryant changed his uniform number after he not criminally butt raped the concierge in Colorado. Sneazy is exactly the kind of thing Penn State needs to clear the air. Nothing says I promise not to ass rape your sons like a feral rodent costumed by a creepy misfit.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Manny Pacquiao Appreciates Education

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Pac

Manny Pacquiao went off on Floyd Mayweather in a recent interview and became the latest Rhodes Scholar to attack him for his lack of education. Mayweather never graduated high school, which makes sense because punching boxers and women in the face does not require a strong grasp of civics. Manny joined in on recent digs by 50 Cent and Nelly, who both received their MFAs in criminal justice from prestigious crack dens. Pacquiao thinks Mayweather’s obnoxious behavior may be due to the fact that he never completed that 102 course where they teach you not to be a sociopath:

“I realize why he is like that. I understand sometimes when the people are not educated they just talk to talk. He sets a very bad example.”

Mayweather’s behavior is probably due less to his Lifetime movie shameful secret that he can’t read and more a magnitude of scarred prefrontal lobe tissue. If he were going to begin a regimen to enlighten himself he may want to start with a brush up on basic finance, because I’m currently scoping out how to low bid his gold toilet on Ebay once he inevitably blows through his fight money. As for Pacquiao, having a GED doesn’t qualify you to chastise other punch drunk self promoters.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

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I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram

Cee-Lo Explains Rape And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 02, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

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Singer and gluten enthusiast Cee-Lo Green took time out from his busy schedule of eating and being accused of sexual assault to explain why he is innocent of slipping a girl MDMA and enjoying the pleasures of her orifices. According to Cee-Lo, it’s only rape if the girl is awake to witness it. I’m pretty sure that’s not the legal standard.

Learn all about rape with Cee-Lo Green. (Dlisted)

Chris Brown pleads guilty to assault…again. (Huffington Post)

Fernanada Liz in lingerie is what makes life worth living. (Popoholic)

Kelly Brook’s 2015 calendar is 365 days of fap. (Hollywoood Tuna)

Is watching John McEnroe get waterboarded supposed to be funny? (COED)

Nicole Scherzinger in a bikini is my favorite kind of Nicole Scherzinger. (The Superficial)

Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman will battle Doomsday with her titty ball powers. (Moviepilot)

Ana Braga In Thong Bikini

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 12:27 PM

Ana Braga In Thong Bikini On Miami Beach
I’m coming to like this girl. I’m certain she lives for my endorsement. At first I thought, bleached out silicon bodied Brazilian model of none renowned trying to get noticed on Miami Beach by shaking her ass and showing off her tits. Now I think the exact same, but also, meh, that’s not such a bad thing. When you think about all the horrible ways in which many people spend their days. Criminals, politicians, the people who charge you for chips at Chipotle. Crawling around on all fours on the beach isn’t exactly hurting anyone. Unless she farts, she’s not really threatening the ozone. Good work, Ana.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan Pays Truck Driver She Smashed Into

By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM

Lindsay-Lohan-Totaled-Porsche
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.

Photo credit: Splash News

Nicole Scherzinger In a Bikini

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 11:24 AM

Nicole Scherzinger Lounges In Bikini On A Yacht in Spain
Nicole Scherzinger is the U.K. X-Factor judge who didn’t get caught in a drug conspiracy case or fuck a baby into his friend’s wife this past year. That makes her something akin to the Elks Club Teenager of the Month. She also has a nice bikini body. Which makes her much better than any of those pimply faced toadies who get $25 from the BPOE for volunteering at the local library. We could talk about how Nicole is a fascinating person, or we could stare wantonly at her bikini tits and think about where babies come from. You tell me which sounds like a more appropriate use of your time.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI