Ashley Judd Hands Feeds Trolls

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Ashley Judd is suing a bunch of Internet trolls who called her a whore and a cunt and told her to suck dicks on Twitter because she doesn’t know how to hit ignore and she thinks Curt Schilling is a hero. Judd was watching NCAA basketball because she is a Kentucky fan and clearly has lots of time on her hands to watch entire conference tournaments and sue people’s Twitter handles. She tweeted:

“Arkansas is playing dirty”

What followed was the aforementioned trolling because that’s what happens on Twitter because it’s a den of mean losers. Judd is pushing ahead full force:

“The amount of gender violence that I experienced is absolutely extraordinary… A significant part of my day today will be spent filing police reports at home about gender violence that’s directed at me on social media.”

Stop the missing person’s search, let’s get the True Detectives on Judd’s social media page. It sucks people call you names and make generic threats on Twitter. If you’re a woman they’ll indeed focus on that. Same if you’re black or Mexican or even one of those fake accounts that pictures a cocker spaniel. At best you’re wasting the cops’ time and at worst you’re giving these losers validation. Twitter sucks by the way. Block yourself.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Jaime King Watered Down Shit

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:35 AM

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Pregnant blowhard actress Jaime King went on an Instagram rant about the evils of Fiji brand water in which she failed to mention herself as part of the problem since another photo on her account shows she totes it around with her:

“I’m sure the people of Fiji would like Fiji water too but unfortunately they can’t have any because some big business decided that they now own the water in Fiji. But hey ho, keep paying top dollar for those bottles of water, as long as oppression is it on your door step, am i right?”

Ironically King appears to disapprove of the ignorant douchebags who are mean or dumb enough to buy Fiji water. Either that or she’s in favor of oppressing natives and is talking with her pocket book. The masses should indeed avoid Fiji while King pours it into her jacuzzi and flushes her taint with it. King continued her self righteous bullshit which could be heard well into the night on that floating plastic island in the Pacific she sheds tears over:

“Oppression is not at my doorstep… (Ironically, I grew up with my father taking care of the tenements and section 8 housing, collecting quarters out of washing machines and cleaning broken toilets) there are many forms of oppression. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and beyond. These things are immeasurable as they are relative to one’s life experiences.”

Tell me to save gas and fly on a private jet. Cry about the dolphins and pop a can of Bumble Bee. If you were a dude you’d have no friends. The indigenous people are thirsty. Row over there in a long boat and bring them their water back, you righteous twat.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jude Law Spreading His Seed

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:08 AM

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Single actor and master cocksman Jude Law just had his fifth child with the third different woman. Law’s 23 year old ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding just gave birth. It’s unknown if Law cancelled drinks to hit up the hospital for a fly by daddy loves you. Harding also goes by Cat Cavelli and is an aspiring singer who just dilated her way into a shit load of room and board. Law now considers her past her prime and will continue pestering his teenage children to bring their hot female friends and swim teachers over. It’s a crazy world when you get paid to smirk. Maybe they’ll be your waiter someday.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kylie And Kendall Get A Video Game And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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In another sign of the apocalypse, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are getting their own insipid video game. Their slutty sister Kim Kardashian’s game made millions of dollars because people are super stupid and downloaded it. I wonder if the goal is to get to the STD clinic before a big date with Tyga.

Read all about this stupid fucking game. (Huffington Post)

Enjoy these pics of girls with huge titties because it’s a Tuesday. (The Chive)

What are the best chests of Instagram so far this year? (COED)

Coco Baudelle’s naked ass is out of control. (Egotastic)

Scott Disick goes to rehab because he’s a fucking drunk. (TMZ)

Celebrate St. Patty’s day with Irish hottie Rosalind Lipsett’s swinging shamrocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Hollywood Tuna)

Dolce And Gabbana Unlikely Targets

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

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Designers and rap topics Dolce and Gabbana have apologized for saying it isn’t normal for gay people to have children, which makes sense because both of them are gay and don’t have children and seem super normal. In an Italian magazine, the high style geniuses cast in-vitro fertilization as science gone awry, saying test tube babies are:

“Children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”

This pissed off a ton of rich people, gay and straight, who have used in-vitro fertilization because nature didn’t want them to have more babies with paying real cash money. Elton John called for a boycott which you should attempt to parlay into the entire fashion industry for your girlfriend’s birthday. D&G issued an apology which they lifted from an obscure work from John Hancock and a Lennon B-side:

“We firmly believe in democracy and the fundamental principle of freedom of expression that upholds it… We do believe in freedom and love.”

How about you shut the fuck up and and put your names on things in gold. Guys who get to fuck all the time without having to worry about making babies have a tendency to feel invulnerable. I’m talking to you, Gabbana. Dolce, you seem okay.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Hillary Duff Looking Sharp

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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Hillary Duff Instagrammed herself in a bikini and gave a shout out to All the Moms Out There because taking photos of your tits and ass in inexorably tied to making other people:

“Hey #moms #westillgotit ❤ #loveyourbod”

You’ve still got it. I’m not sure about the rest of America. Have you been to a Dairy Queen? I don’t see your kid in the picture. Would that make it weird? Maybe leave your reproductive habits out of the equation then. Duff was cheered on by a gaggle of women she wouldn’t shake hands with outside of a paid promotional engagement. This is more proof that any rich woman who was previously super hot can have a child at a young age and then turn him over to a Guatemalan woman and do pilates ten hours a day and still find time to take sexy photos of themselves. The critics have been silenced.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

One Armed Surfer Expecting

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 7:08 AM

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Bethany Hamilton, who held the Oprah crowd’s attention span for a brief period after her arm was bitten off by a shark, is pregnant. Had it been cancer they wouldn’t have noticed. Hamilton still surfs five hours a day, and recently went on The Amazing Race with her youth pastor husband. If you were confused, they’re both better than you. Despite having one arm, Hamilton is ranked 53rd on the Association of Surfing Professionals World Ranking. At first this led me to believe surfing isn’t a real sport, then I remembered all those nubby armed MLB pitchers from the 90′s. Then I saw some guy is playing D-1 college basketball with one arm and my world went into a spiral. How am I not in one of the major sports leagues? I have two arms and at least four pairs of Nikes. This isn’t about you anymore, Hamilton. Where’s the batting cages?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Robin Rinaldi Bangs Dudes, Writes Book

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 6:36 AM

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After 18 years of marriage Robin Rinaldi decided she wanted to fuck a bunch of dudes. She proclaimed to her husband Scott that she would live apart from him on weekdays riding random cock and come back on the weekends to take baths. Her husband was understandably not super cool with the idea, but since Rinaldi had been chewing through the couch he agreed:

“‘I won’t go to my grave with no children and four lovers” I told him repeatedly. “I refuse.” Against the idea at first, he eventually relented.”

Rinaldi placed ads on Craigslist and to no surprise was rewarded with casual anonymous sex. She fucked ten dudes and two chicks in one year. Scott took the opportunity to pull a fast one he learned from watching Cruel Intentions:

“Meanwhile, it turned out that, for around six months, Scott had been exclusively sleeping with one woman, a lot younger than me. That bothered me, especially as they hadn’t been using condoms.”

Point, Scott. I’d give their marriage another ten months or two dicks whatever comes last. Rinaldi’s book is entitled The Wild Oats Project and chronicles her quest for empowerment through fucking the Outback waiter. If you hear it brought up, that person probably isn’t marriage material. Nor do they read. From now on I’m toasting to Scott for understanding that men always do better by casual sex than women.

Photo Credit: Twitter