Blac Chyna Got Her Lambo

The Kardashians are fond of buying six-figure sports cars for the despondent souls they're fucking. Blac Chyna got hers. A purple Lamborghini for rimming Still Fat Rob Kardashian. Don't call this one unearned. The diabetic son hasn't earned like his sisters, but a couple million from E! and minus eleven dollars from his signature designer sock line made the Lambo buy for his Yoko Onoa no-brainer. His sad face emoji...read more

Ted Cruz Lookalike To Do Porn

Searcy Hayes rocketed to fame the old fashioned way, resembling an obese version of Ted Cruz in drag. Hayes took a Papa John's gift certificate booklet to appear on the Maury Povich Show and confront her boyfriend with paternity paperwork. You'd think that being the only guy in town willing to fuck XXL Ted Cruz without protection would dispel the need for a big DNA test reveal. It was never down to you and Gerard...read more

Battle Gunt Sisters Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner

The Kardashians may be the first set of public figures who can receive a gynecological exam on the fly. Super tight stretch pants yanked up over artificially inflated fuck areas provide a view of the pubis formerly the realm of obese homeless in cut off sweat pants. Surprised cries of 'Your mulatto baby is crowning' are the new 'you look adorable'. You can't cum hard enough to knock them over. It's a carny trick...read more

Caitlyn Jenner Has Thought On Where She Might Shit

LGBT hero and occasional murderer Caitlyn Jenner has thrown her hat in the tranny toilet ring, imploring politicians in states with new bathroom restrictions to be more open-minded. This despite Jenner's many decades of GOP dedication. Jenner understand that letting former male Olympic gold medalistsdrop a deucein the ladies room isn't going to increase the odds of sexual assaults upon women and girls. Rapists aren't...read more

Prince Is Dead and Dax Shepard Is Cock Fondled on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #42 (AUDIO)

The entire show this week was thrown into upheaval when Prince died. Like every other media outlet we moved immediately to endless coverage of people who barely knew Prince providing insight into the tiny man's life. Like not knowing how he died, who he was with, or his real name. But everyone agreed in the end that his premature death was a tragedy without being able to explain why. Matt and I pantomimed Darling...read more

Kanye West Porn Habits Are Bizarre And Shit Around The Web

Kanye West likes himself some anime tentacle porn. It's nice that at least one man still thinks about his wife while he's getting off. Fuck you, they're not all gems. Read all about his wank habits. (The Superficial) Vita Sidorkina is topless for your viewing pleasure. (Egotastic All-Stars) Mariah Carey wants you to look at her cleavage. (Egotastic) Prince had a drug overdose just days before he died...hmm. (TMZ)...read more

Jessica Alba Flirts With Uncle Sam

Jessica Alba invited the U.S. Commerce Secretary to visit her kid care products company where they sell all natural U.S. organic healthy products made in under inspected battery acid storage plants in Guangdong. The Cabinet Secretary showed up because middle aged civil servants love a free meal and a celebrity photo posted to an Instagram account with 7.6 million followers. Alba and her partners are concerned that the...read more

Charlize Theron and Emily Blunt Have Perfect Tits They No Longer Show (Pimping Mr. Skin)

Every actress quits doing topless scenes when it feels right to them. About a million bucks into their cumulative career earnings feels about right. They're willing to consider topless if the part calls for it. That's another two million. It's Hollywood way of ensuring you only see tits onscreenthat are under thirty. Forty year old tits aren't bad, but they're not thirty year old tits by about ten years. In this...read more

Frenchy Morgan And Gabi Grecko in Thongs With Candy

Could be somebody had a hundred bucks in their pocket and a pedo-endearing photo shoot idea that looked good on paper. We didn't deal with this French chick who's come to America to take our reality show public attention whoring jobs, now she's multiplying. That other chick just married an elderly rich Australian. None of this makes sense in a nation where we fund Homeland Security to the tune of sixty billion. There...read more

Phoebe Price Plays Baseball In A Bikini

Finding out what's under this chick's hats is going to be the source of many Halloween night dares among neighborhood boys. The kid who thought he was tough will be shitting his shorts when her heads comes off with the hat and North Koreans stream out of her neck. No matter how many revealing positions Phoebe Price assumes ten minute after alerting the low totem paparazzi, she's always got on one giant pair of...read more

Target Boycott Should Play Out Nicely

People who don't cotton to dicks in the ladies rooms are boycotting Target stores for allowing customers to choose to use their bathrooms based on personal gender identity. Which is an odd rule since nobody can explain gender identity in a single sentence. Not one that makes any sense to your average Target shopper so desperate to pee that they're using the bathrooms at Target. This is where the politically correct...read more

Mariah Carey One of Prince's Many Dear Friends

Genius, legend, inspiration, friend. The world will miss you. I'll never get over it. For a recluse, Prince had a shitload of really dearfriends. All torn to piece pieces and unable to form sentences. If you've ever been auto-tuned to a Dr. Luke simplistic bridge, Prince wasyour brother and best friend. Like Mariah Carey and her nipples in Paris. You wouldn't have known the extent of Prince's massive circle of...read more

MJ Worries About Tiger

Michael Jordan has expressed concern over Tiger Woods, in a new ESPN story. Jordan says that Woods wants to retire, but doesn't want to do it while sucking so so bad: I think he really wishes he could retire, but he doesn't know how to do it yet, and I don't think he wants to leave it where it is right now...The thing is I love him so much that I can't tell him, ‘You're not gonna be great again...'What does he do...read more

Tila Tequila Hearts Hitler

Tila Tequila went on a pro-Hitler social media spree in honor of the Austrian painter's birthday. She Photoshopped herself into pictures with him and lauded his achievements. No mention of his micro-penis. That would be tacky on his special day. "And happy birthday to my past life historical figure, most epic legend of all time, Mein Furhor, Adolf Hitila! The MOST HIGH!" "Actually, I was Hitler in a past life. That...read more

Lena Dunham Gets A Ring

Lena Dunham has a boyfriend. All you girls feeling sorry for yourselves for being single should feel even sorrier. Dunham's boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, put a ring on it. It being Dunham's sausage finger. Stay calm. It's not an engagement ring. He should be so lucky to lock up this prize for a lifetime. It's merely an anniversary gift commemorating the first ring he ever bought her thought to be lost somewhere...read more