By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 11:32 AM
I don’t know why women require eighty-two dozen bikini options each summer. You could probably do with three. The Model, the Average Girl, and the You Probably Shouldn’t Be in a Bikini. Men only need five minutes to purchase a bathing suit. That includes check out and parking. The exception is in Europe where men Theodolite their Lycra stretched junk to ensure they will properly interlock in the all-male beach centipede. With every single attractive girl with big hooters getting jobs as bikini models, the auto dealer receptionists are not nearly as hot as they used to be. And good luck finding a boner-worthy girl working the Baskin-Robbins. This is why brick and mortar businesses are dying. All the best tits are on the Internet. I’m pretty sure I just nailed a doctoral thesis.
Photo Credit: Panache
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 10:52 AM
I’m not sure what Lady Gaga turns into when she bursts out of her pupae, but I’m going to guess one very fat butterfly with floppy butterfly tits. Whatever they pay the team of eunuchs who re-costume Lady Gaga in between numbers, it’s not nearly enough. As her body continues to slide into Bosc shape, Sstretching those nylons and nettings and boudoir Spandex around her frame becomes an increasingly hazardous occupation. You get your finger caught in that Chinese trap and it’s not coming back. Ever. You’d have a safer workplace on a remote North Sea oil platform. You know, if you didn’t mind being gang raped each night after shift.
At the end of the day, looks aren’t want brings in the audience for Lady Gaga. It’s mostly social retardation and hallucinogens. Her army of cutters and anxiety medicated Breakfast Clubbers won’t abandon her simply because she’s slowly morphing into the Mayor of Toronto. They will abandon her because she keeps producing the same song over and over again.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 10:11 AM
I know the inkling of most working girls is that business would be so much better if I could just find a hot corner. Courtney Stodden ditched her three-times her age husband to experience fat men only twice her age who were promising to help her break big in show business. The causal logic was sound. You can fuck your way into some pretty promising positions in Hollywood. But the premise was flawed. You can’t feed the corruption fetish of the pederasts running Hollywood if you look like an aging Marseilles hooker trying to hang on for one more fishing season. So, Courtney came back to the roost.
Keller [Courtney's mom] says her daughter has had time to “experience other men” during their break and she now “want[s] to be with her original choice, her husband.
It really is like a fairy tale romance all over again. The couple is going to renew their vows at the end of this year before the inevitable baby comes to give Courtney a sympathetic story line. After that, her options will dwindle down to mariticide or amateur granny porn. If she did both at the same time, she finally would be famous.
Photo Credit: Splash News (above) Courtney Stodden/Instagram (below)
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:19 AM
It’s almost time for Britney Spears to return to Las Vegas for her musical residency under conservatorship. She does a month on, six months off, kind of like world class astronauts or super lazy people trying to renew their unemployment. Running up to her opening last December, Britney pretended to get into shape but clearly got gassed on stage with her seams bursting off and injuring several Japanese tourists in the audience who later apologized even though it clearly wasn’t their fault. This time, Britney’s serious about her fitness. She’s been at the gym every single day for over ten days now. That’s some Usain Bolt type dedication. By wearing the exactly same clothes she did at 16, Britney is able to calibrate her physical conditioning to her body during high school, if she had gone to high school. Uncontainable tit fat never lies. When it’s gone, Britney will appear once more.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Two things. First, you can never blame a guy for staring at Kim Kardashian’s ass. It belongs in The Collector’s glass showcase. I don’t care if it’s Obama, a cop, me, you, or even Kevin Spacey. We’re all looking. Second, deep down, every guy thinks he can score with Kim Kardashian. Not logically. You know you need a heaping load of cash and a high celebrity or sports profile to enter Ass Oz. But, her persona screams slut and despite the endless attempts to civilize man, we can’t help but imagine railing her and pretending our name is ‘Randy’ with a fake phone number. This scene could only get better if Kanye took an angry gangster swipe at the cop for staring down his chick and then got a Welcome to N.Y. baton beat down. Life is never that perfect.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 8:13 AM
SoulCycle is the sacred temple of Ra for the spiritually retarded celebrity community. It’s where the tomes of wisdom reside in the sweaty Lululemon crotches of the men and women who stationary cycle heavenward. The first rule of SoulCycle is you don’t fart in the Spin Room. The second rule is you don’t talk about SoulCylce. Especially shit about the famous people in your SoulCycle class. Tia Mowry went and told some media outlet that she met Charlize Theron at SoulCycle and Charlize dismissed her like an impolite bitch. When Charlize Theron got wind of the leak, she demanded that the SoulCycle excommunicate Tia for breaking the second rule of Soul Cycle, and possibly the first rule, although the whoever smelled it dealt it clause makes that a tricky accusation.
When Soul Cycle refused her request, Theron got even angrier, confronting the manager:
This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?”
Charlize’s outrage implies she takes rules very seriously. Or it could mean Sean Penn has her cycling on his HGH so the couple can rage together. Nothing binds a relationship like jointly beating down an undersized Filipino paparazzo with your boot heels. Both Mowry and Theron’s public relations reps are denying any of this ever took place, so you know it’s true. Which is awesome because girl fights at any level give me a boner.
Photo credit: PCN
By Matt August 12, 2014 @ 7:01 AM
Paris Hilton is currently on a two month world tour where she DJs and stares blankly at an imaginary cure for herpes in the distance. Being a DJ is a logical step for Hilton as it requires four part name recognition and zero parts anything else. A real DJ might employ some minor skill learned at high school parties to mix tracks and scratch records, but Hilton obviously can’t do those things. One observer described the scene in St. Tropez:
“The crowds do seem to enjoy it, but most are too off their faces [intoxicated] to care that she’s simply pressed Play on a Beyoncé megamix.”
Paris is apparently making close to $350,000 dollars for her one hour appearance. If you are visiting a night club that has 350k to give to a one-eyed whore, you should reexamine your life over several cheap beers in the nearest dank shit hole, because you are currently in the habit of associating with fucking morons. It’s heart wrenching to hear Hilton is raking in cash while vets are homeless and Hillary Clinton can’t afford female dental dams. It’s even more alarming to learn there are thousands of people dumber than Paris Hilton walking this earth.
Photo Credit: Instagram, INFphoto.com
By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 5:33 PM
It appears War Machine caught porn star girlfriend Christy Mack fucking another dude before he beat the living shit out of her. War Machine is now a fugitive but tweeted some weird shit to Mack from his bunker which suggests that relationships between ex-cons and porn stars can be trying at best:
I only wish that man hadn’t been there and that Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don’t know y I’m so cursed.One day truth will come out.
I love you and hope you’re okay. I came him early to surprise you and help you set up for your convention. I can’t believe what I found and can’t believe what happened… All I wanted was to surprise you and help and do something nice…now this… I’m so heart broken…in all ways. I will always love you.
It’s possible he caught her performing a voodoo seance which conflicted with his Christian values, but more than likely Mack was getting plowed by the mailman. Given his ten million arrests and imprisonments for violent outbursts, it’s also possible War Machine is a horse juice fueled lunatic who thinks there are times when beating a woman half to death is appropriate. I don’t think there are, but if you had to pick a time that might be it. If you are with a guy named War Machine and have somebody else’s dick inside you when he gets back early from Home Depot, some shit might go down. If I worked for ESPN, I would now be suspended.
Photo Credit: Twitter