Dita Von Teese Not Boxed In

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 7:17 AM

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When you are known solely for banging celebrities and stripping your clothes off it goes without saying you’ve gone down on a few chicks. Dita Von Teese felt the need to clarify she is no longer into pussy, most likely because whoever she’s currently blowing is a jealous dipshit who pressured her into saying this and just derailed a steamy FFM session. Rest assured having made sweet love to a bevy of women doesn’t make you a lesbian, much like having blown a few dudes in college doesn’t make you gay. Wait, one of those must be wrong:

“I feel like that’s something I experimented with when I was younger. I think knowing myself, I realized that it was something I was doing experimentally or because I thought it was cool. But I’m not a lesbian.”

I know the Von Teese type. They’ll do anything that involves their lady parts getting attention to momentarily quell the voices of inadequacy in their heads. That doesn’t really make you a lesbian or a pansexual or whatever category Facebook comes up with next. It just means you are DTF whatever half decent thing walks in the door. So, essentially, you’re a man.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

 

Kris Jenner Photoshops Promo Pic

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

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Kris Jenner posted a photo with Gordon Ramsay promoting her cookbook and Photoshopped the shit out her and Ramsay’s face. She now resembles a young Elvis Presley or teen mom on an episode of Intervention. She also did a once over sandpapering of Ramsay’s face. Unfortunately he posted the same photo of each hell demon looking properly haggard and broken (see below, if you dare, fucking Halloween spooky).

Kris’ cookbook is a collection of rich tasty foods that Kris cooks for Khloe and then puts in bowls just out of her daughter’s paws. Kris apparently finds that comforting, a little reminiscing to when the girls were young and she trained then with a stick and a whistle. If you ever see these two “chefs” in the same room pull the fire alarm. It’s a nightmarish of cuntiness so profound it may actually alter the DNA you pass on to your children.

Photo-by-gordongram

The Mindy Project Gets Anal

By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:04 AM

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Fox’s The Mindy Project made unnecessary and dull sitcom history by airing the first ever network episode about anal sex. The episodes title, “I slipped”, implies that her feckless Ob/Gyn boyfriend attempted to corn hole her without warning, which predictably irritated a host of feminists who are advocating for notarized contracts before two people make out. Mindy Kaling, the show’s creator who plays an annoying version of herself as the lead, offered an explanation:

“There was no sexual peril in there; it was not a situation where she felt unsafe or was objectified. She just was startled.”

Often when someone is startled they are in a compromising situation. However, without an element of surprise, sex and television are boring. Hence, a nice baiting of the feminist crowd pulled off by a sympathetic female who creates, produces, writes and stars on the show. Feel free to portray subject matter on national television which would get a dude fired from his job at Sonic Burger. This is the double standard we’ve all been waiting for. I look forward to Kaling receiving multiple Emmys for her upcoming snowballing episode.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Renee Zellweger Takes Her New Face for a Spin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

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I’m of the mindset that you earn the money, you buy whatever the fuck you want with it. Whatever makes you happy and doesn’t hurt anybody else. So, yes to mid-life Porsches, pointless water crafts, and hot German massage therapists. No to designer hypoallergenic dogs. Stop messing with nature, you deviant fucks. Renee Zellweger bought herself a new face and showed it off at some fashion magazine party last night. We could play the game and pretend its lighting or makeup or the ozone depletion effect from evil people who employ refrigerator technology to keep their milk from rotting, but it’s not. It’s a brand new face. It’s not the puffy Zellweger face we’ve come accustomed to seeing pudgy and tear streaked in movies made for people with weepy vaginas. I’d call it more the senior LPGA look with just a splash of Donatella. She’s probably got a few years left before scary mask face awakes with a permanent scowl. If I was Renee, I’d get my mating done sooner rather than later.

Michael Sam Is On His Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Michael Sam was benched from the Cowboys practice squad and people are already saying that it’s because he went after hairy man dong in the locker room. Which is silly because he has a full time boyfriend, so he’s just thinking about hairy man dong.

Read all about Michael Sam’s sob story. (TMZ)

Maitland Ward might as well be naked in this dress. (Huffington Post)

Unpronounceable hottie Bregje Heinen is highly fappable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Shana McLaughlin has the biggest tits I’ve seen in a long while. (Hollywood Tuna)

Cora Skinner dons lingerie and I don a chub. (Popoholic)

Douchenozzle Matthew McConaughey gives his much needed opinion on the Redskins’ name. (The Superficial)

Oscar De La Renta is Oscar De La Muerto. (Dlisted)

Colleen Shannon in a Bikini

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears Bikini For 138 Water In Malibu
It only makes sense that the nefarious bastards from 138 Water have switched to ex-cons to lull everybody and their reflexive dicks into a sense of calm before the invading storm. Playmate Colleen Shannon billed herself as the world’s hottest DJ before she got busted smuggling her smuggling boyfriend across the Canadian border and got sent to the clink. It’s in the women’s penitentiary where you quickly learn that you no longer want the world’s hottest anything moniker. That’ll get whispered in your ear during shower rapes in even greater volume than ‘Coach Sandusky wants to see your three point stance, Billy.’

Colleen paid her debt to society and unlike most ex-cons is immediately making a positive impact by showing off her tits in Malibu. On the contribution scale that’s somewhat better than revenge killing the grocery store clerk who fingered you to the cops and slightly less than what Nelson Mandela achieved after his release.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Oscar Pistorius Gets But A Few Months in the Hoosegow

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for culpable homicide, which is South Africa’s version of, don’t blast your gun through closed doors in your house because you thought you heard something, asshole. He was acquitted of the actual intentional killing of his hot model girlfriend because everyone agreed that hot models are easier to replace in this world than legless Olympic gold medalists. Pistorious will be eligible for house arrest after just ten months of segregated special prison time assuming the mansion is big enough for his liking. He will also be eligible for parole after half his sentence, at which point he will become the first bionic line cook in South African history.

Pistorius showed no emotion during sentencing, kind of like a killer. This was in sharp contrast to the crocodile tears that dripped incessantly during the trial phase as he continued to regret not making up a black intruder to pin the shooting on originally. Pistorius’ lawyers were seeking a lighter sentence, but the judge had the gumption to recall that Pistorius admittedly shot the only other person in his house and apparently thought an intruder broke into his bathroom and screamed just like his girlfriend. South Africans judicially aligned with the dead girlfriend camp felt the sentence was too light based on celebrity justice grounds but if it’s any consolation, Pistorius will definitely have his swank blades stolen in the joint and have to shower with his head at dick level. Blast away, fellas.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Victoria’s Secret Models Sell Better Without Lingerie

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

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As much as it will cost a small Asian village a week of textile wages, a few child starvations are the price of seeing a bunch of Victoria’s Secret models without their lingerie. Underwear is but a contrivance of a polite society. An artificial waste of time that I would insist only apply to the male population were I the handsomest President ever. Jesus weeps when nice tits are covered. I’m pretty sure that’s from Gospels.

These photos are from the Angels book by Russell James which features a bunch of the Victoria’s Secret models topless as well as Kendall Jenner rolled up in a naked ball just because that’s a good way to sell copies. Fuck, that’s a good way to sell anything. Yes, that is Kendall Jenner rolled up naked in the back of my ’97 Subaru Outback just like I wrote in my Craigslist ad. Now, how about you write me a fat $700 check and take them both.

Photo Credit: Russell James