Beyonce is in a bikini :(

By brendon August 24, 2010 @ 1:49 PM

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Beyonce and Jay Z are on some massive yacht in Monaco Bay today, and for the most part Beyonce stayed pinned down as if somebody was shootin at her. Which was annoying until she got up, perhaps to see if the timer on her cookies had gone off. “Ohh yeahh,” I said to myself at that point. “Her body is disgusting, I forgot.”

You know you have a giant ass when your bikini comes with a big thick waistband to reinforce the seams. It’s the kind of thing they put on straight jackets. Her idea of sexy talk is probably to tell Jay, “I want you to take me. To town. So I can get a pizza.”

(image source = splash news online)

someone tried to kill Paris Hilton :)

By brendon August 24, 2010 @ 12:28 PM

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Just a few hours ago, Paris Hilton went on her twitter to say that one of her biggest fans tried to break into her house this morning and give her a stabby present lol.

“So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting (him).”

And then she posted the picture above (full size copy here) showing this young go getter in handcuffs, being hassled by the man. This is obviously very sad and serious but Paris Hilton sucks so who gives a fuck. Life is a precious gift, but let’s not get carried away.

DISAPPOINTING UPDATE – Look, everyone wants to stab Paris Hilton to death, I don’t think anyone has come here today to dispute that, but I don’t think it would have killed this guy to plan this out a little better. Paris told Radar she woke up when she heard the suspect banging on her windows and her dogs barking loudly. “What a scary sight to wake up to. I can’t believe the knives he was carrying. Thank god the police arrived quickly.”

Lindsay Lohan is about to be released, relapse

By brendon August 24, 2010 @ 11:16 AM

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The new judge in charge of Lindsay Lohan will issue a “surprise, unspecified ruling” today between 1:30 and 3:30pm pt, which is widely expected to follow the advice of doctors at UCLA and release Lindsay from rehab, possibly as early as today.

Which will lead to an immediate relapse, according to a source that spoke to OK! magazine

“Of course her UCLA doctors think she’s fine. Lindsay, as much as I love her, is an actress. The best in the business. And she can convince just about anyone, except a drug test or a Scram bracelet, that she doesn’t have an addiction problem. But she does.”
“And I hate to say this because it sounds like I’m wishing her the worst, but she will relapse when she leaves UCLA, unless she spends more time in an in-patient rehab,” the source adds. “Her system may be cleaned out of pills right now, but unless she gets away from the bad friends she has in L.A., and unless she gets into serious family therapy, the weakness in her personality will resurface.”
“Don’t think for a minute that she’s going to walk out of UCLA completely clean and sober,” the source close to Lindsay warns. “She’s on medication that is legal, yes, but she’s still on pills. And Xanax and such are mind altering. Have you ever taken an Ambien or Xanax? You’re high, right? So though she may be clinically prescribed these meds, it triggers that reaction in her that makes her want to take more and more and more the minutes something doesn’t go well in her life.”

Can the court at least make her wear a little bell or something, maybe even a cow bell, so the rest of us know when she’s around and to stay in our homes where it’s safe.

Jessica Alba is a good model

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 5:22 PM

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Jessica Alba had a photoshoot in LA over the weekend, although it’s not known what it was for. If nothing else it would make a good ad to promote masturbating.

(image source = fame)

Tiger and Elin are officially divorced

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 4:45 PM

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Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren got married on October 5, 2004, which didn’t dissuade Tiger in any way from banging tons of random whores before, during, and since. So today they met in a courtroom in Panama City, Florida, to finalize their divorce.

It was ice cold between Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren at the courthouse as the couple finalized their divorce on Monday.
“Tiger was sitting down when Elin walked in the room,” a source told Radar. “Publicly they didn’t say a word to each other. They didn’t even look at each other.”

Financial terms were not disclosed, and past reports have been all over the place, claiming her deal will range anywhere from 100 million to 750 million.

Ever the emotionless robot, Tiger posted this statement on his website:

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us. Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.”

Then after that it says, “Ms. Nordegren was represented by…”, and lists a bunch of law firms. It’s really touching. And Tiger was represented by his long time general counsel, just like in a fairy tale.

Lindsay Lohan wants an apology from the court

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 3:30 PM

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Even though Lindsay Lohan had cocaine on her both times when she was arrested for DUI’s in May and July of 2007, she’s now taking the position that her insane behavior over the years wasn’t because of drugs, but because she was mistakenly given Adderall.

And so she would like the court to apologize. For treating her as if she was using drugs like cocaine. Which, to recap, she was.

According to Lindsay Lohan’s latest medical report from UCLA, the actress was not addicted to cocaine as once suspected.
Instead, it is believed she was misdiagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder and given the prescription drug Adderall, which may be to blame for triggering her often bizarre behavior.
Now Lohan apparently wants some form of apology or compensation from the courts.
“Lindsay is fuming – she is really upset that the courts put her through all this,” a source told Pop Tarts

Please note that in 2009 there were 5.2 million prescriptions written for Adderall and another 25 million for similar ADD medicines, so it’s apparently considered safe, but in Lindsay’s case it drove a sweet and innocent girl into a downward spiral of madness.

She was a hard-working honor student, but then one day her doctor made a mistake and by nightfall she was a cannibal. It makes perfect sense. They should have one of those little stickers on the prescription bottle to warn people about this.

Stephen Moyer got married, and Anna Paquin was invited

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 2:16 PM

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‘True Blood’ co-stars Stephen Moyer, who is 40, and Anna Paquin, who is 28, got married over the weekend at a private residence in Malibu, and for his first act as husband, Moyer left her at the house to go screw around with his friends. This guy kicks ass. Way to set the tone early so there’s no confusion. For their first anniversary maybe Paquin can go on a date with Moyer and his girlfriend.

(image source = pacific coast news and splash news online)

Heidi Montag, Karissa Shanon made a lesbian sex tape

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 11:06 AM

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The Heidi Montag sex tape story would be a lot hotter if every person involved with it didn’t have a long and well documented history of attention whoring and/or making up fantastic stories to get themselves in the headlines.

We’re told not too long ago Spencer was at the Malibu house he once shared with Heidi … moving out some of his stuff.  Sources tell us Spencer came upon a camera with XXX video of Heidi and (Playmate Karissa Shanon).
As for Karissa — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue.

If true, it seems this sex tape is really gonna come back to haunt Heidi. People always laugh at me because I don’t have any sex tapes, or a girlfriend, or a girl willing to have sex with me, or go on a date with me, or talk to me, or make eye contact, but look how all that backfired on Heidi. Who’s laughing now!

(picture source of karissa this weekend in vegas = pacific coast)