Alessandra Ambrosio is on St. Barths this week to shoot the new Victorias Secret catalog, and it’s hard to even comprehend how good looking she is. She’s so physically perfect I’m not sure I could even have sex with her. There’s certainly no way I would cum on her. She’s flawless, she shouldn’t be defiled like that. I would need to find a way for a rainbow to come out of my penis, or better yet a bouquet of flowers.
Many people feel that the reason Lindsay is a complete and total fuckup is because her mom has spent the last 20 years telling her she’s perfect and brilliant and the people who criticize her are just jealous because Lindsay is so amazing and gorgeous and talented. You may be wondering if Lindsay truly believes all that.
Oh hey look she got a new tattoo.
Hmm. Yes, yes of course. Lindsay just wants to shine like the star she is, but she can’t because of us. For some time now I’ve suspected we were doing that and finally here is the proof. This must be why Lindsay is spending so much time with Ali, to save her from us. A Wednesday night in a bar with some tequila and smores or whatever it is alcoholics and little kids can agree on for the table is just what she needs to keep her on the road to success.
The Michael Jackson movie ‘This is It’ is getting really good reviews (80 percent on rotten tomatoes) but the big star of the movies LA premiere yesterday was Katy Perry and her tits. The movie of course is both a biography of Jackson and footage of him preparing for his big comeback show in London. I know what you’re thinking: “wow, a biography AND rehearsal footage of singing and dancing?!?!” I know right! It’s like they made this movie just for me!
Things like this clip from last night are proof that most people in the world are essentially stupid. Kimmel is better than Letterman. Opie and Anthony are better than Stern. ‘Always Sunny…’ is the best show on TV. All these people should be number 1 and they’re not and if I knew who was responsible for this outrage I would go to that place, throw a smoke grenade inside their window and then punch everyone as they ran out the door.
Melissa Joan Hart should have known better than to get sassy with Jimmy Kimmel. The only way he could have owned her any more is if the stage she was standing on had a trap door and he dropped her into a pool of sharks.
Marisa Miller modeled the Victorias Secret Harlequin Fantasy Bra yesterday, a diamond studded bra valued at 3 million dollars. That seems like a waste of money. I mean, really, who do they think is gonna buy a bra for 3 million dollars? Not to mention how heavy it would be. This whole thing seems kind of silly if you ask me.
NOTE: this post was guest written by Missing The Point Brendon
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – wrote a letter to the California state assembly yesterday (read it here) after they approved some new plan to give away more free money, and it was all TLDNR, but I somehow feel I got the gist of what he was trying to say anyway. (wall street journal)
OPRAH WINFREY – is a drunk and a drug addict, and her longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has dumped her because of it. Not only that, now she’s ready to pay him 150 million dollars to keep him quiet. I would take it if I were him. This bitch is evil. In fact I heard she can throw fire from her hands. (the enquirer)
BRITTANY MURPHY – was visited by the cops this morning around 2:30am because she was on her balcony screaming and claiming she heard gun shots. No evidence of foul play was discovered, but still, Brittany did the right thing. If you ever hear gun fire, and you suspect a killer may be on the loose, go out into the open and flail around and yell at the darkness. If you have time, call 911, but first things first. (tmz)
LINDSAY LOHAN – could be dead within a year if she doesn’t get to rehab, according to her dad. Thankfully, Lindsay agrees and has decided to seek help. “I have not spoken to my father, nor have I responded to his threatening and erratic messages … he should try to be a real father.” Oh okay never mind. I was thinking of someone else. (the sun and wenn)
SCARLETT JOHANSSON – will star with Liev Schreiber in the Broadway revival of the Arthur Miller play ‘A View From the Bridge’. It’s about a Brooklyn longshoreman who is obsessed with his niece. It opens on Dec. 28, then closes on Dec. 28-and-a-half, more than likely. (wonderwall)
DAVID SPADE – is being criticized for his DirecTV ad featuring Chris Farley, who died in 1997. In response, Spade says, “(his family and I) thought it would be a cool way to remind people just how funny Chris was.” Still they should take it down. Either that or the 3 people who complained should go back to Fraggle Rock or wherever it is whiny queers like this live. (pop eater)
MEL B – is the new spokesperson for Vitamin Water, so they had to be thrilled when she showed up yesterday in London to promote it wearing a blond wig. Having a famous celebrity spokesperson is nice, but it’s even better if no one can recognize them. Otherwise it gets distracting. (getty and fame)
Everyone knows that law enforcement in Los Angeles is completely inept, with their incompetence surpassed only by their laziness, but today it soared to dangerously worthless new heights. Despite being able to watch the crime take place on videotape (here), the DA will not file any charges against anyone, not even Joe Francis, after he grabbed Jayde Nicole by her hair and threw her to the ground.
According to the report, the D.A. supports Joe’s claims that the surveillance video shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation.”
What. In the fuck. Does that mean? “Bitch had it comin”? She poured a drink on him so it’s okay for him to beat her ass? Who’s the DA, Chris Brown?
In conclusion, the D.A. thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”
A guy walked up behind a woman, grabbed her by the hair, then threw her to the ground. That’s littering at the very least. The cops and DAs in LA are so god damn lazy and stupid it’s terrifying. You can literally watch someone commit a violent crime and nothing is going to be done about it. It would be one thing if Jayde was unattractive, because ugly people aren’t as important or valuable as sexy people like me and Jayde, but she’s gorgeous. Just look at these shorts. And she wears stuff like this all the time. She’s like a beer commercial come to life.