hot girl-on-girl axxxtion!

By brendon April 17, 2009 @ 6:05 AM

Damn, check this out.  These bitches are ready to party.  You take the one on the left.  I know she's short, but dude I’m tellin you, she’s 18.  I can just tell.  I’ll take the MILF on the right, who was the subject of roughly 75 percent of my teen sexual fantasies.

(image source of christy and grace turlington yesterday in nyc = pacific coast)

bring on the sex tape

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 2:53 PM

I thought the lady from that couple on “League of Gentleman” was actually a dude in disguise, but apparently not because yesterday they went for a walk through Hollywood with their son, Jerry O’Connell.   His dad is even more handsome now than he was on the show.  So distinguished now with the white hair.  “The Silver Fox”, I call him.

jennifer love chewit sure showed me

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 1:13 PM

I used to be skeptical that Jennifer Love Hewitt really lost 18 pounds like she claimed on the cover of Us magazine, but then they compared two older candid pictures taken from the front to one professional picture from the side.  That shut me up good.  I thought she had a big ass but clearly I was mistaken.  I also thought she was getting shorter, but they compared a picture of her on the red carpet to a picture taken straight down from on top of a ladder.

And now I’ve been extra shut-up, because she’s in the May Maxim in some sexy new pictures.  By sheer coincidence she hides her hips and ass in every single one, but now I just sound ridiculous.  The witch hunt is over.  Her diet and exercise program have left her thin as a rail, clearly.  Look, when you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  Time for me to look myself in the mirror and face the facts.

mels new woman was in maxim

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 11:52 AM

It’s still hard to figure out if Mel Gibsons new Rooskie girlfriend is hot, but getting naked and oiled up was very much a step in the right direction.  She’s in that very rare gray area.  It seems like 50 percent of Russian girls are so impossibly hot, we should grind up the homeless and store them as organ farms so those chicks can live forever, while the other 50 percent look like John Goodman.

matthew mcconaughey was smooth

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 10:43 AM

Matthew McConaughey says in this month’s Elle magazine that when he was a young man getting to know the pleasure of life, the vagina was still a confusing pit of mystery, a riddle that not even softcore porn could unlock. 

"From checking out Playboy I always thought — jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we? —I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south.  So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time."

I never know what the hell stoners are talking about and this is no exception.  At the risk of making a fool of myself, I’m pretty sure it is behind the pubic hair, and it doesn’t really go any direction as much as it just kind of “opens’.  There’s no zipper if that’s what he was expecting.  If all he remembers is that he discovered it was not behind the pubic hair and it went north-south, I think he’s suppressing that he first got to third base with a dudes ass.  I think he was raped.

kendra was a good choice

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 8:27 AM

Levis had everything in place for yesterdays Power Slide competition in Santa Monica:

 - Kendra Wilkinson sliding on something?  Check
 - Kendra in a push-up bra and slutty shirt?  Done.
 - A midget, preferably Wee-Man?  You know it. 

Someone should play Sabre Dance whenever she's around.  That has to be what she hears in her head from the second she wakes up.  Frantic and all over the place but super happy.  And at the 0:50 mark is what happens when someone asks her a question.  Everything slows way down and gets a little hollow, because she doesn't know the answer, or what’s going on.  But by 1:30 the person has figured that out and walked away.

(image source = splash)

lindsay is sending mixed signals

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 7:16 AM

Lindsay says she’s tired of being a target of the paparazzi, but it's kind of hard to believe she hates the attention when she goes to clubs night after night after night. When you commit to an action that has one possible result, 100 percent of the time, it’s hard to believe you didn't want that result. It’s like saying you hate hitting the ground, it really hurts and it’s ruining your life, but you’ve jumped off the roof every day for 5 years, and you’re setting up the ladder right now to go do it again. And this weekend you're gonna jump off a new roof you heard about in Vegas. Actually that analogy sucked – I thought it was gonna go somewhere better – but I already typed all this and I'm way too lazy to think up a good one. Why are they shielding her like she’s a witness in a mob trial, by the way.

heidi klum is pregnant

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 6:29 AM

Heidi Klum is so impossibly gd good looking that, even when you combine her DNA with Seals, hers is so hot the result is a cute kid.  She could probably mate with an actual seal and the result would still be a kid better looking than 90 percent of earth.   And its a good thing too because those two are at again.  

Sources confirm that the supermodel mogul is expecting her third child with music-man hubby Seal.
The couple has two sons together, Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, 3, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 2. Seal is also the adoptive father of Klum's daughter, Helene "Leni" Klum (who turns 5 on May 4), whom she had with Italian businessman Flavio Briatore.
A source tells me that Klum, 35, is a little less than four-months pregnant.

Heidi is the best case scenario of what happens when a girl is too good-looking and no guy ever tells her to shut up.  She really is a complete dork, but in a harmless and even adorable way.  So she makes Seal do stuff like this and this, and she goes more and more insane every Halloween, but she'll also pay for a yacht and then walk around topless (1,2) and even serve you lunch that way (bam).  So yeah, a few Disney parades and face paint seem worth it.  Hell, I would blow a homeless guy on stage at my high school reunion to get on top of Heidi as many times as Seal has.