julia roberts really sucks

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 4:54 PM

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Julia Roberts is in India filming something I’ll never see called ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, and when not pissing off locals by shutting down their Hindu temple so the movie can use it as a prop (here), she’s pissing off visitors by booking every single room in the famous Pataudi Palace hotel (here). But it’s not because she’s some uppity bitch who doesn’t want Indian people to get anywhere near her. Oh wait never mind. It’s totally that.

Around 350 security staff, including police, more than 100 bouncers and nearly 40 gunmen are guarding the star.
Bulletproof cars are used to take the star to and from the set and helicopters patrol the skies overhead.

Jesus Julia, don’t flatter yourself. You act like some elite team of assassins is after you. No one cares about you any more. At best, I’ve thought about Julia Roberts 10 times in the last 5 years. And it’s only that many because I’m the father of two of her kids.

they had sex for 10 years

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 2:51 PM

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Yikes. The article this morning on People only talked about the first time Mackenzie Philips had sex with her dad. So did they have sex just that one night? Did the drugs fog their minds so completely they lost all sense of who they were and what they were doing?

Um, no. No not exactly.

…in the new issue of Us Weekly, her half-sister Chynna Phillips (says Mackenzie called her one day), “And she went on to tell me that she had had an incestuous relationship with our dad for about 10 years.”

Oh and there’s more…

(Mackenzie) and her father did drugs together. She even tells Oprah Winfrey in an interview Wednesday, “My father shot me up for the first time.”
Chynna confirms to Us Weekly, “They were both doing drugs together.
“After long nights of heroin use, she’s claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her,” Chynna tells Us Weekly. “Was he actually raping her? I don’t know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and that it went on for 10 years? Yes.”

Heroin sounds like quite the aphrodisiac. No girl has ever put up with me for more than 3 years. This dude got his own daughter to blow him for 10. I’m gonna throw needles full of it at Megan Fox starting today. It’ll be romantic, I’ll be like Cupid. Except instead of shooting her in the heart with an arrow of love, I’ll shoot her in the veins with morphine soaked in charcoal and hydrochloric acid. Other than that, Cupid.

ali larter is in good shape

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 11:03 AM

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‘Heroes’ star Ali Larter took a jog around West Hollywood yesterday, and why not? The up side to being this gender-confusingly flat chested is that she can do stuff like run. The down side is that she’ll never know the pleasure of my love.

On a somewhat related note, Peets coffee is god damn terrible. I’d rather go to Starbucks and then have a homeless guy stir my drink with his dick than get coffee from Peets.

“I slept with my own father.”

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 9:45 AM

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To set the table here, Mackenzie Phillips is the daughter of John Phillips, the founder and lead singer of ‘The Mamas & the Papas’. He’s also the father of actress Bijou Phillips and singer Chynna Phillips. Mackenzie was a big deal in the 70s when she starred on the CBS sitcom ‘One Day At A Time’. Valerie Bertinelli played her sister, and Pat Harrington played ‘Schneider’, the gruff building superintendent with a heart of gold.

Now to the point: Mackenzie will be on Oprah today (the show, not the fattie) to promote her new book, and according to People magazine, she reveals that she had sex with her own father. Oh I know right. What a slut!  It takes some nerve to go on TV and brag about raping her own dad.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Phillips, who was 19 and a heavy drug user at the time. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad’s bed.”
“My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.”
“Had this happened before? I didn’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

OK so apparently he was the one who raped her. The headline didn’t make that very clear. I assumed she was the predator because that’s how girls are with me. I am like sugar to them.  They’re constantly pawing at me and asking to rub my genitals. In fact before I go to a party or a bar or somewhere like that, I have to soak my penis in that bitter apple puppy spray stuff so girls won’t keep licking it and putting it in their mouth.

afternoon headlines

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 6:44 PM

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FUN WITH TAZERS – Police in Merced, CA. used a stun gun on a man with no legs in a wheelchair. Twice. Then his pants fell down as they handcuffed him on the ground, and they left him that way in broad daylight. Then he sat in jail for 6 days, then was released for lack of evidence. Why would they do all this? Probably because the guy was an asshole. I’ve had a house cat kick my ass, don’t tell me someone in a wheelchair can’t bite and scratch and give you some disease. And of course they left him on the ground. He’s got no legs. What should they do, carry him around on their back like he’s Yoda? (ap)

KHLOE KARDASHIAN – will marry LA Laker Lamar Odom this Sunday, even though they only met last month. “It will be a very detailed and classy affair,” a source said of the wedding. Unlike the divorce next month, which will be haphazard and bullet ridden. (people)

HEATHER LOCKLEAR – has agreed to reprise her role as Amanda Woodward on the new ‘Melrose Place’. The plan is for her to make her debut on Nov. 17, around one month after the show will be canceled. (wonderwall)

BILLY JOEL – is 60, and still divorcing 27-year-old Katie Lee Joel, but yesterday he brought his new gf to the opera, and she looks even younger than Katie (picture). At what point are we gonna see the FBI confiscating this guys hard drives. (popeater)

ANNALYNNE MCCORD – wore this awesome dress to the HBO Emmy party Sunday night. She and I would be a good couple because we’re both real hot, but I dress real conservative. My sexuality is assertive without being pushy. (hq jump here. source = getty and pco)

“was left drenched in blood…”

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 5:20 PM

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera and her mom, Shelly Kearns, are the focus of a new documentary on E!, and they talk candidly about why Kearns left Christinas father. It seems pretty reasonable. The Sun UK says…

A FOUR-year-old CHRISTINA AGUILERA was left drenched in blood after her father violently attacked her – for innocently disturbing his “nap”.
Shelly recalled: “I scooped her up and said, ‘Oh my God. What’s wrong?’
“She told me, ‘Daddy wanted to take a nap and I made too much noise.’”
The alleged horror incident was the final straw for Shelly, who packed up and fled the family home with Christina and her other daughter RACHEL.

Well, even though she did make too much noise, you shouldn’t beat kids until they’re soaked in blood. There’s better ways to deal with a kid who interrupts your nap. Cookies filled with poison, for example.

lindsay throws beer cans now

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 2:40 PM

Lindsay Lohan has no business at an acting award ceremony of course, so she did not attend the Emmys Sunday night. She is an alcoholic drug-addict however, so she very much did attend the Emmy after-parties, including one at the Chateau Marmont.

When she stumbled out “definitely drunk” around 3:30am, she was in no mood for the paparazzi. As she ducked down to drink do drugs have sex with something hide, they asked things like “are yoo a bade influence on your seester?”

Then, as if to answer “yes”, she took a can of Amstel Light and threw it at them. Luckily there just happened to be an open can of beer in her hand, even though she doesn’t drink. Maybe that cars back seat makes Amstel Light. Do they have cars like that? I didn’t think they did but Lindsay doesn’t drink or lie, so it’s the only logical explanation.

nicola roberts understands fashion

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 1:41 PM

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At an event last night at the Mayfair Hotel in London, Nicola Roberts showed why she’s my favorite member of the UK girl-group ‘Girls Aloud’. Primarily because she wore a shirt that might as well be made of glass, but also because I don’t know who my other choices may be. Is Carrie Underwood in that? She’s a singer, right?

Nicola isn’t that awesome looking or anything, in fact it’s a little like we’re being seduced by Arianna Huffington, but any famous rich girl who wears invisible clothes gets a Five Diamond ranking in my book. My book is called, “Girls Who Probably Do Anal.”

(10 more here. hq jump here. source = wenn, splash and flynet)