What with all the Megan Fox-ness going on the past few months, it’s been easy to forget that Jessica Alba is 1A on the list of “Girls I Would Have Sex With Even If They’ve Been Dead For A Few Days And I Had To Reanimate Her Corpse With Jumper Cables”. So, ya know, congratulations Jessica. I bet she’s really honored to know that even if she died I would still do it with her.
Jessica Simpson got lit Saturday night at Katsuya in LA, and even had to be helped to the car by her sister Ashlee. She’s back to being super super hot now, but might have been drinking because Tony Romo broke up with her two weeks ago. She should be proud of him. I think it was really courageous of him to come out of the closet like that. He’s a gay quarterback, and that’s cool with me, but it’s pretty much daring the entire NFL to try and take his head off.
People magazine says that “Mark Wahlberg has finally made it official”, and then they add “!”. But even if they hadn’t I would have been excited. He’s such a cool guy. The real Vinnie Chase. And now he’s married to this beautiful lady. I hope I don’t cry.
Wahlberg and his longtime girlfriend, model Rhea Durham, tied the knot on Saturday.
The couple, who have three children – Ella Rae, 5, Michael, 3, and 10-month-old Brendan Joseph – were married Saturday in an intimate and romantic ceremony attended by their children and about 12 close friends and family at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Beverly Hills.
Hm. She had three kids and wasn’t married? What a whore. Although I better watch what I say. Mark Wahlberg is a real tough guy. He’s only 36 inches tall, but he’s all street and shit. 150 pounds of fury. I’ve had my clock cleaned by someone his size before, and it was no picnic. I can’t remember how old I was exactly, but I know that I had to wait for the crossing guard to go to the fight, and when it was over I went home and crawled up in a little fort I made behind the couch with pillows and a blanket. Then my mom made popcorn balls to cheer me up.
Lauren Pope is in Miami today to work some club tonight, and you may remember her because she’s the UK model who was in the news a few weeks ago because people thought Lindsay was trying to get into her pants (here).
Without her makeup, she sort of looks like a duck, but she had the good sense to get together with another former model and become DJs. Those people don’t even do anything, so if you really need one, you might as well get a blond with disproportionately large breasts. That entire last sentence would also be a good guide when choosing a girlfriend.
Yesterday when Debbie Rowe agreed to give up custody of the two kids she had with Michael Jackson, lawyers for her and the Jackson family insisted the agreement was not about money, only what would be best for the kids. It felt good to see everyone put greed aside and do what was right, and that good feeling will last until you read the next sentence.
A child-custody agreement announced yesterday will keep Michael Jackson’s two oldest children with his relatives — but only if they continue to pay about $4 million as part of an informal “spousal” arrangement Rowe had with Jackson before he died.
Lawyers for both sides tried to spin it that no money had changed hands, but in a carefully worded statement, the family admitted yesterday they would continue paying her dough promised to her by Jacko — a verbal contract that died with him.
I don’t pretend to know who the best choice would be to raise these kids, but I know who shouldn’t raise them: anyone mentioned so far in this story.
You and Gwyneth Paltrow probably agree that Gwyneth Paltrow is an amazing woman, but now “corporate America” is on the bandwagon too, and they’re tripping all over themselves to get featured on GOOP, the website that all America is buzzing about. Gwyneth laid down some facts in this interview with People.
GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly newsletter is a “big success,” according to Paltrow. “It’s crazy … crazy!” Paltrow said. “I just love it. Corporate America is knocking at my door‘ … Will you hawk my product’?” The answer is clearly no for the star’s very personal project, which even derives its name from her initials G.P.
“It is really just a place to disseminate good information. People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site.”
Let’s just put our cards on the table: none of those things are happening, no one is glad it’s free, no one wants to be on her condescending website, and everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s why she wasn’t on the cover of EW and it’s why she wasn’t part of the “Iron Man” panel at Comic Con (video here).
More importantly, no one wants her stupid advice, because her idea of advice is telling you that Paris is lovely and a $2000 cashmere coat is comfortable. That’s not advice, that’s thinly veiled bragging. It would be like a website about my penis being enormous, and here are some shorts with generous inseams, and here are some good relaxation techniques you can try if for some reason your girlfriend can’t fit an 18-inch cock into her mouth.
It turns out Chad is an even better reporter than the Sun UK, even with their limitless resources, because yesterday he emailed me all these topless modeling pictures of George Clooneys new Italian actress girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis. Then this morning the Sun “revealed” that she had done a bunch of topless stuff, including a movie playing a topless nun. “Suck on that, Sun UK”, Chad would probably say.
(10 of her NSFW pics start here)
Katherine Heigl added to her spoiled brat legacy this week when she went on Letterman and complained about a 17-hour work day on “Greys Anatomy”. Keep in mind that just means she was there for 17 hours. She wasn’t building sets or writing the script. Mostly she was sitting in her fabulous trailer on her extra-fancy couch. Other people were working for 17 hours, and she was in the vicinity, so Katherine would like credit for that as well. By that standard, I can bench press over a million pounds. There’s my 225, plus whatever it is the other 300 people are currently lifting. I’m practically the Hulk. Anyway, Katherine said…
“Our first day back was Wednesday and it was — I’m going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them — a seventeen-hour day, which I think is cruel and mean.”
Wow, that sucks! Why the hell would they do such a thing? New York Magazine has one idea why…
What she neglected to add was this: This “cruel” shooting schedule was only to accommodate HER and her needs. The producers graciously shuffled things around so she could go off and do promotion for her new film. Also, with union rules, the producers had to pay a ton of overtime and penalties to make this happen. The thanks they get is Katherine Heigl going on national television hoping to embarrass them.
At this point the producers would probably prefer it if Katherine knocked on the door and then threw a bunch of snakes on them as opposed to her asking for any more “favors”.
(oh, and sorry for the delay today. i’ll spare you the details, but suffice to say those gangs wont be selling any more drugs to kids around here)