this is so hot

By brendon January 05, 2010 @ 1:25 PM

x003

Today is a second Christmas for leering perverts fancy gentleman like myself because for some reason high school pictures of Jessica Biel are online. From 1999, when she was 17. The very same year she posed topless in Gear magazine. So, this and this, same girl. Same girl.

What we’ve learned here today is that the fresh-faced innocent honor student transforms into a sexy slut behind closed doors, just like barely legal schoolgirl porn has been trying to tell us for so many years. I just hope there’s a way to take advantage of this, unlike when I was actually 17, and spent Friday nights tipping my couch onto it’s back and pretending to be an astronaut.

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon January 05, 2010 @ 11:54 AM

36528PCN_Tila

CASEY JOHNSON - The great-granddaughter of the founder of Johnson & Johnson, daughter of the owner of the New York Jets and Tila Tequillas fiance, was found dead last night in her LA home. It’s suspected she overdosed. Can you die of embarrassment or is that just an expression? Because this chick was a complete fuckup. (new york post)

WARREN BEATTY - slept with 12,775 women over 35 years, averaging a new girl every day from when he lost his virginity at age 20 to when he married Annette Benning in 1992 at age 55. This is all according to a new book called, “Numbers I Made Up: Everyone Look At Me”. (sydney morning herald)

VINCE VAUGHN - got married outside Chicago to Kyla Weber, 31, a Canadian real estate agent, in a small ceremony with only close friends and family. According to my awesome level of jingoism, you can identify Webers side of the family in the pictures because they’re the mounties in full uniform and fishing guides in waders holding up a trout in a net. (people)

MADDOX, ZAHARA AND SHILOH JOLIE - were left 100 grand each when Angelinas mom died in 2007, but they can’t touch it until they’re 25. Can they scape by until then? Let’s keep them in our prayers. (us magazine)

is everything okay, sienna?

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 4:54 PM

SPL148711_022

Sienna Miller was still in Barbados this weekend, and if 2010 marks the end of “flipping off the paparazzi” and the beginning of “goatse the paparazzi”, this year is gonna have a lot of peaks and valleys.

(source = splash news online)

gwen stefani too? sure why not.

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 4:29 PM

SPL148847_010

Apparently you were the only one on earth who wasn’t in a bikini on St Barths this weekend, because Gwen Stefani was there too. God knows why because she and her friends turned the beach into a day care, so the sexy relaxing day in paradise was no doubt interrupted 400 times a minute by pointless screaming and temper tantrums. Kids are the fuckin worst. If I didn’t have a condom, I’d rather dunk my penis in hot candle wax to seal off the tip rather than risk getting some girl pregnant. I’d see if the girl would let me put some chewing gum or kitty litter inside of her first, but if she declined, I’d be a gentleman and do the candle wax thing.

(source = splash news online)

i dont believe my eyes

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 3:01 PM

xtigervanityfair

You may find this hard to believe, but before his cheating scandal made headlines around the world, Tiger Woods had his picture taken. I shit you not. Look, see. Vanity Fair has cracked this case wide open. But they hit another homerun inside because the article is called, ‘Tiger in the Rough’. Get it? The Rough. Do you get it? They only had 5 weeks to think of something good so it’s not perfect, but it’s still really really clever. ‘Tiger is Lion’ or ‘Tiger is a Cheetah’ would also have been solid choices.

monday morning headlines

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 11:14 AM

SPL148357_001

AVATAR - has already made 1 billion dollars, only the 5th movie to ever do so, and it’s only been in theaters for three weeks. Wait, no, three months.  Weeks.  I don’t know, one of those two.  What am I, on trial here?  Leave me alone!  (los angeles times)

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY - His girlfriend gave birth to a girl yesterday, their second child in just 18 months. What a slut. Hopefully her new years resolution was to keep her pants on for 10 minutes.  (us magazine)

OLIVIA MUNN - Despite telling Maxim last month that she was single, Olivia was out this weekend with her on again/off again boyfriend, ‘Star Trek’ star Chris Pine. More like Chris FINE, am I right?! Wait. No. No it is Pine. With a P. My mistake. (people)

MELISSA SATTA - is an Italian actress and model, and I don’t know much about her, but I do know that she was in Miami this weekend and that her ass is fantastic.  It’s so firm looking, I feel like if I tried to hump it and missed my penis would crumple up like an empty beer can.

ummm… what?

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 4:10 AM

36689PCN_Haydenbf

I have no idea when Hayden Panawhatever got breasts, but I don’t know why she’s with boxing heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko either. Or why he’s pawing all over her. There’s really not a single thing here that makes a lick of sense. These pictures must have been taken on What The Fuck Island.

(source = pacific coast news)

somethin’ for the ladies…

By brendon January 04, 2010 @ 3:46 AM

Miranda Kerr

Oh that’s weird. I saved a picture of Orlando Bloom walking around a yacht with no shirt on as the banner picture but instead my computer posted a picture of Miranda Kerrs ass. My computer must be homophobic. That’s the thing about machines, they can’t be taught to open their hearts.

(source = inf daily and fame)