Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively are in Italy today, which isn’t exactly gonna quiet the rumor that they’re dating. And who can blame him now that we’ve all seen Blakes tits. I guess this is the third time they’ve been seen together, and it reminds me a lot of the third date I had with my current girlfriend. Except instead of taking her across the globe to the most romantic city on Earth, we played Mortal Kombat and I went for anal.
My first thought when I heard that they were doing another ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie, this time as an origin story with James Franco and Freida Pinto, was that I really really really really really want to fuck Freida Pinto. My second thought was that this movie sounded dumb. But then the teaser trailer looked terrific, and now the full trailer looks even better (embed copy here, HD copies here). I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was to train the monkeys to glare and throw hammers and do all those stunts and stuff. James Francos medicine isn’t real is it? Is that how they did it? Damn you James Franco, you’ve doomed us all! You’ve made the monkeys bullet-proof super geniuses!
Wait what? Oh, they’re not bullet proof? Oh. Well then I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – had lunch with his son Patrick today, and things seem to go fine. Which sucks because wouldn’t it be badass if he went all apeshit with some kind of Oedipus complex. The Kennedys are all nuts so I figure there’s still time. (popeater)
KIM KARDASHIAN – is now engaged of course, but was the proposal filmed as footage for her reality show? Oh gosh, I wonder what the answer is. (people)
JANE LYNCH – will host the Emmys this year, a very prestigious honor only trusted to those who have proven they can read a teleprompter. (la times)
MICHELLE HUNZIKER – has been lounging around at the beach in Varigotti, Italy, for about a week now. Because she’s a model. What the hell did you think she was gonna do, go around solving crimes? (splash news)
Obviously, just like the last time she wore one that went off, this is all a big misunderstanding and this sweet little angel did nothing wrong, but the LA Times is reporting that Lindsay Lohan was visited by probation officials on Tuesday because the electronic ankle monitor she wears to ensure she doesn’t leave her house started to go off.
For now it’s being treated as a malfunction, she was given new equipment and that’s the end of it. As you know, she’s under house arrest for all this, so it’s fitting that when probation officials arrived they found her with duct tape over her mouth, locked in an upside down coffin that was sealed inside a brick wall. I’m lying of course; she was watching 3D TV, reading scripts and tanning on the roof while posing for the paparazzi. Yaay, the system is working!
Billy Bob Thorton has four kids with three women, and all those names must get confusing so he hasn’t spoken to his oldest child Amanda Brumfield in a really long time (he had her in 1979 with his first wife Melissa Gatlin, whom he was married to from 1978 to 1980).
Long story short, he was a terrible parent, and now Amanda is in jail. Originally charged with first-degree murder and aggravated child-abuse, today she was convicted of manslaughter after a 1 year old girl she was babysitting died from a head injury. CBS News says…
Brumfield claimed the child was trying to climb out of a playpen when she fell and hit her head (but) waited more than two hours to call for help
Brumfield told investigators that the child initially appeared fine after her injury and that’s why she waited to get help.
Prosecutors argued it’s impossible for a fall from that height to cause the three-and-a-half inch fracture and bleeding and swelling found in the girl’s brain.
That’s not Billy Bobs daughter in the headline pic btw. She’s ugly, and this shit was depressing enough without having to look at ugly people, so instead that’s Amy Childs of the UK reality show ‘The Only Way Is Essex’. She has big tits, dyed red hair and she spent the weekend in a bikini in Marbella, Spain, drinking beer and texting with her legs splayed apart. I think I’m in love.
That was the official statement about the Blake Lively iPhone pictures that leaked Tuesday night. That’s what her representative said. He said, “The photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites are 100 percent FAKE. Blake has never taken nude photos of herself.”
If it wasn’t already clear it should be now, but don’t ever insult someone smart enough to hack your cell phone. Because now the guy who released the original 5 pictures has released 12 more to prove that these are, as was obvious from the beginning, Blake Lively. He was telling the truth the whole time, yet was labeled a liar and a fraud by some simply because of their own fear and insecurities. But hackers have feelings too. They’re not monsters. In a case like this you have to ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, we are the monsters.
Russell Brand was really good in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’, which was a good movie, and after that he signed on to do a bunch of other movies. Now were right in the middle of the lull between him doing those movies and Hollywood figuring out that a little of that guy goes a long fuckin way and audiences sort of hate him.
With that in mind, Russell Brand was in costume today on the set of ‘Rock of Ages’ in Fort Lauderdale. If you don’t know, this is based on a Broadway play, and will combine elaborate song and dance numbers with horrible 80’s rock with Tom Cruise with Russell Brand. Which sounds only slightly more entertaining than combining a bear trap with my nuts.