Javier Bardem took time off from starring as Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the Raul Julia Story to go to Brazil and have Penelope Cruz stick a finger up his ass. And good for him. That’s what life is all about. The last thing you want is to be on your death bed wondering if Penelope Cruz would have stuck her finger up your ass. The not knowing, that’s what would haunt you.
Number 9 is a personal email sent to me last night from her neighbor in Malibu. Try and guess if it’s good.
I would normally never email anything about a celebrity like this, but I love you and I am Julia Robert’s neighbor and steam is coming out of my ears right now. For the second time in a month she has flipped me off driving down my own street in Malibu like some crazy botoxed homeless person. She then proceeded to wait for me as i came back out of my gate from my OWN home and berate me in front of my 10 year old daughter when i asked her what her problem was. Apparently she has some defunct radar detector in the back of her head since the speed limit on my street is 25 mph and i was doing MAYBE 20. I know this because there was a huge truck blocking most of the road and i had to slow to almost a stop to get past it and when i saw her i was really aware of my speed since she’d flipped me off a few weeks ago while she was jogging with her trainer at 8 in the morning. She informed me i was speeding and accused me of almost running over her dog. when i told her i absolutely was not, she said “oh-then i guess you’re on top of the situation” with all this nasty sarcasm. Her old ugly dog she didn’t have on a leash walked right up to my right tire and thank god i wasn’t speeding or i would have ran right over it. I guess when Julia Roberts walks down the street you’re not allowed to even drive on it! But the fact that she could see my 10 year old daughter in my car and she still had the gall to yell at me and accuse me of speeding in an attempt to run over her dog is unreal to me. Doesn’t she have husbands to steal or something? On on top of this, several of her neighbors have been threatening to sue her for the trees she recently planted and the disgusting, ugly, illegal old gulfstream trailer she keeps on her property for her gardeners or other underlings to use since god forbid her gardeners keep their tools in her garage and actually look at her without her say so. She also leaves her garbage cans in the middle of the street for weeks because she is never in town for very long and obviously her gardeners don’t really feel like doing anything for her in her absence. The entire street loathes her. Most of us are locals and I for one have not only lived here my whole life but so has my family and my daughter was born and raised here. She needs to go back to New Mexico where there is enough room for her giant cunty ego!!!!!!!
Just two nights ago I was watching ‘Oceans 12′ and I guess I’d never seen that in HD before because AHHHH WTF IS THAT! When did she get this ugly? George Clooney must be the preeminent actor of our times because he’s an inch away from that goblin and he just sits there and takes it.
I forgot to turn off the CC when making some screencaps, but it worked out. It captioned his subconscious. Here he says he’s sorry for keeping her in the dark. That’s nice of him to say but I’d keep that fug mess in the dark too. She’s lucky he didn’t keep her in the woods under a net. And here he asks if it’s okay and despite her answer I can assure you it’s not. It’s not okay at all.
Jessica Simpson made a quick stop at a restaurant on Wilshire last night on her way to dinner before heading out to dinner and then In-N-Out for a quick bite to eat on the way to a bakery for pie. That CAUTION sign is to alert the other patrons. She’s like Yogi Bear when he’d steal picnic baskets. You have to watch her like a hawk or she’ll pull the fire alarm and then swipe everyone’s food in the confusion.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new dating book out, and if you think she wouldn’t have any good tips for how to spice up your love life, you would be 100 percent correct.
One of her tips: glue shiny things on your vadge.
“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays.”
The promise of slamming your penis into a dozen rocks might be effective if you’re trying to seduce Ben Grimm, but believe it or not I’d rather not pound my dick into fragile cut glass with sharp edges. Seeing a girl with crystals glued to her vagina sounds horrifying. At best it would look like armor, at worst scales, and either way my dick isn’t getting anywhere near it. Because it’s either defending itself or it might spit poison at me.
Lots of people are bummed out today because of all the Haiti 7.0 earthquake stuff, but look how cool that dog is. He’s swimmin around the ocean and playing tug of war with Brazilian model Nicole Bahls. That dog kicks ass and he did a lot to cheer me up. Of course I wasn’t all that sad to begin with because Haiti has sucked for 300 years and I’m tired of waiting for all these crappy countries to get their act together. Tokyo had an 8.3 a hundred years ago and it wasn’t even remotely this bad. And they had twice as many people, AND a huge fire, AND landslides AND a tsunami. And let’s not forget Godzilla stomping the shit out of everything twice a week. Even when he saved Tokyo he still smashed like 98 percent of it.
Not only is Tiger Woods going to lose hundreds of millions of dollars in a divorce settlement, he’s losing tens of millions more as sponsors continue to drop him. Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Accenture and AT&T have already booted him out, and today General Motors did the same. E! online says…
GM’s official endorsement contract with Woods actually ended in 2008, but they kept the driving deal going. That is, until Dec. 31, 2009. (They claim) the deal’s end date was settled upon before the fateful Thanksgiving crash.
Tiger can still shave, tell time, be thirsty, invest and make phone calls, so none of those companies should have dropped him, but GM did the right thing. Tiger drove his Escalade like 30 feet, couldn’t steer around three objects permanently bolted to the ground and when he came to a stop 4 seconds later, his car looked like it landed there after getting thrown out of a plane. After that he was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. That piece of shit couldn’t be any more dangerous unless they replaced the airbag with a big spike.
(NOTE – I started to put up a picture of Jay leno, then I realized what i was doing and stopped. Instead, it’s internet superstar Shay Maria and her spectacular rack.)
People don’t generally stop being jackasses overnight, so it’s hard to believe that Jay Leno magically has some integrity and decency now, but at least one person claims he does, and they say Leno wants to walk away from NBC because of the way they’ve handled the lat night fiasco. Rob Shuter over on PopEater says…
Sources close to the former ‘Tonight Show’ host tell me Leno is furious with the way NBC has treated him and Conan O’Brien and is considering walking away from the entire mess with his head held high. “Now that Conan has made it clear he is leaving the troubled network, Jay is considering doing the same. They have put Jay in a terrible position. It looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job. Jay is a great guy and it’s not fair that due to NBC’s stupidity he looks like the bad guy.”
The degree to which NBC completely lost their shit is still stunning. Conan hosted ‘Late Night’ for 16 years. 16 god damn years. He’s really good. People really like him. Lots of really smart and funny people think he’s really smart and funny. But the prep school inbreds at NBC panicked and had no plan and now the third longest running show in TV history is sort of tarnished forever. How exactly does one get a job running NBC, because freaking the fuck out and making an ass out of myself seems like something I could do.
JIMMY KIMMEL - came out last night dressed as Jay Leno. Everyone could tell it wasn’t Leno though because the jokes were funny. (abc)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWITT - almost dumped Jamie Kennedy because he called her “pear-ass” after seeing her in a bikini. Then she realized that’s the nicest thing anyone has said about her ass in 3 years. (us.com)
MINKA KELLY - is not engaged to Derek Jeter, contrary to reports last week saying she was. They’re very much together but any plans for the future have been exaggerated. Also exaggerated is the report that I have to take “a half-dozen” viagra to get an erection. Whatever. I would hardly call 5, “a half-dozen”? (ny daily news)
JAMES BOND 23 - doesn’t have a name yet, but the movie will star Daniel Craig, will be directed by Sam Mendes, and will be shot in 3D according to new reports. All the Bond girls in 3D take us one step closer to porn in 3D, which takes us one step closer to the fall of man and the end of civilization. (the sun)