lindsays lies might be come back to haunt her

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:36 PM

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The problem with randomly lying about any and all topics is that it’s impossible to keep your story straight, especially when you’re dumb or drunk or high or, more likely in this case, all three.

Monday Lindsay said she couldn’t get a plane ticket because all the planes were full (and was lying). One day later she said she had a plane ticket all along but then her passport got stolen. She says she even went to the airport and tried to board the flight but they wouldn’t let her.

There’s a million pictures of Lindsay at Cannes, none of them at the airport, but whatever. Let’s just pretend she did buy a plane ticket and had every intention of appearing in court on time. She better hope that’s the case, because the DA would love to see some proof.

Danette Meyers, the district attorney handling the case, told Radar Online exclusively that she’ll be “asking for a warrant to be issued and [is] okay with it being held.
“However, I will be asking Judge [Marsha] Revel to have Lindsay and her lawyer bring her plane ticket — which would prove that she planned on being here in court today,” Meyers told us exclusively.

It’s discouraging that the DA is okay with the warrant being held. I’d have a SEAL time repel down her hotel and shoot out her windows then drag her ass back under a net in the back of a C-17.

Airline Travel

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:30 PM

Remember when Kevin Smith got kicked off Southwest Airlines for being a human jelly doughnut? That’s the kind of dude I’m always squeezed between on six-hour flights from hell. How does Macgruber handle travel stress?

He had to go to the emergency room once because he put a tube of Clearasil up his butt so he could clear airport security—apparently he had a lot of nasty blackheads on his back and shoulders but he already had too many liqids cuz he had a buttload of dark tanning oils in his carry-on.

That’s far more disgusting than helpful.

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julie bowen is a good talk show guest

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:29 PM

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Julie Bowen is probably best known as the star of ABC’s acclaimed comedy ‘Modern Family’, but from now on she should be known as a very easily relaxed talk show guest.

She went on Lopez Tonight, and when the topic of her two new babies came up, she showed a picture of them breast feeding. This picture, to be specific.

The “Modern Family” star said she had taken the same picture onto her appearance at “The View,” but the ladies refused to air it.
Lopez had no such problem on late night.

Well ‘the View’ needs to lighten up. I could have done without those dumb babies, but any woman who wants to show me her tits is a hero in my book. My book is called, “A Guide To Masturbating”.

Crazy Twilight Freaks

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:11 PM

Twilight’s brought together moms and daughters more than any phenomenon since the invention of the period. Is there any Twilight cast member that makes MacGruber shiver in his shorts?

He actually works out at the same gym as “Taylor Lottner” [sic]. Or at least he thinks it’s him in there. “Whoever it is is a super-ripped little kid,” he said.

Getting sweaty around kids is likely to get MacGruber locked up one day.

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megan fox quit, was not fired from transformers 3

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:10 PM

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Deadline Hollywood is defending their story that Michael Bay essentially fired Megan Fox from ‘Transformers 3′, and while Megan confirms she won’t be in the movie, she says the choice was hers…

“Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3,” reps for the actress, 24, tell PEOPLE. “It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”
Citing unnamed sources, Variety reports the studio and the film’s director, Michael Bay, intend to cast another actress as star Shia LaBeouf’s love interest to move the story in a different direction.

Megan Fox was actually the best part about these stupid movies, so it’s hard to know how this makes the series any better. Picture these movies without her. Picture the scenes without her. Are those scenes good? Probably not, because these movies are terrible. Roger Ebert has defended her, but I guess keyboard nerds like that spaz on superficial know better. Firing her would be like taking a Ferrari and smashing it with a bat and then painting it with spray paint in hopes that it will run better.

Celebs who adopt

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:09 PM

After her husband dipped his wick into that Nazi stripper chick, Sandra Bullock immaculately conceived an adopted baby. Would MacGruber ever adopt a kid to ease his inner pain?

MacGruber tried to adopt a waitress from the Senor Frogs in Mazatlan a few years back—it was a green card situation—but it didn’t stick. Apparently, they don’t let you adopt chicks that are older than you. Like any smart man would do, he pulled a switcheroo—and the chick adopted him. He now has dual citizenship—US and Mazatlan.

That’s a long way to go for a piece of ass.

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lindsay has not applied for a new passport

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 6:00 PM

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For someone who lies as much as Lindsay Lohan does, you’d really think she’d have a better grasp of how it works by now. Just because some lonely idea has appeared inside your drug riddled mind doesn’t mean it was the winning plan. When Lindsay claims all the flights are full or she has to wait for a new passport, she might as well say she has to stay because she was elected mayor. All her stupid claims can be investigated in about a minute.

So with that in mind, are you ready my friends? Brace yourself…

Lindsay Lohan has not requested a new passport and may be stuck in France for a little while longer, Radar Online has exclusively confirmed. 
Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, (said) Lindsay reported the passport stolen but “has not requested a new passport.”
The embassy office in Marseille is the closest location to Lindsay who has been in Cannes promoting her latest role as porn star Linda Lovelace. 
Lindsay’s mother Dina told Radar that her passport was stolen and she was turned away from a flight back to the United States on Tuesday. 
“This was not a planned scheme,” she said.

It’s chilling to watch Dina Lohan slowly push her own kids toward certain death and destruction. She never corrects or criticizes Lindsay and so Lindsay never stops. She pushes the limit more and more. Dina is fucking evil. Like if you went to the zoo with her all the tigers and lions would be backing up and roaring at her, and then she would stare at them and they would run away.

LoveMaking

By brendon May 20, 2010 @ 12:04 PM

Lots of dudes have issues with flow control. Here in H-town, Shia LeBeouf is infamous for being a Johnny-come-early. What would an experienced cocksman like MacGruber recommend for staying in the saddle til the fat lady sings?

MacGruber recommends Visualizing the end result. “Always maintain a positive attitude. Remember, the biggest sex organ on the human body is the brain. And keep your rubs in a freezer—adds at least three pumps to any bone seshion.”

Dudes who like to say shit like ‘the biggest sex organ on the human body is the brain’ are dudes with small dicks. Just saying.

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