macgruber was a good naked model

By brendon May 18, 2010 @ 6:49 PM

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In Wednesdays Page Six, the New York Post will reportedly expose an embarrassing secret about MacGruber. They’ll say that, before becoming a spy, he wanted to be a naked model. He’s a very sensual man and his chemistry with the camera is electrifying, but he didn’t make it because his penis was only average size. And then they’ll mention these pictures.

But since “waiting for Wednesday” sounds like some faggity Oprah book about kids with cancer, here are the pictures they’ll be talking about. As a powerful Hollywood insider, I was able to get them from a secret source. I’m so happy! Everything is going exactly as planned! My goal is to make Tyler the internets premiere destination for full frontal naked pictures of men.

victoria silvstedt looks expensive

By brendon May 18, 2010 @ 3:47 PM

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Professional prostitute Victorias Silvstedt was on a yacht in Eden Roc with some dude who looks like he would pay for sex. I wish more Playboy models would become prostitutes. Specially this one. Jennie Reid. She’s half Asian, short and has huge breasts. The first time I saw her naked I cried. Then my erection and I went down to the beach and sat on some rocks and watched the sun gown down. We had a lot to talk about, a lot to plan, as we began this exciting new adventure, together.

lindsay is dating this mystery woman

By brendon May 18, 2010 @ 1:44 PM

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Actually the woman is a 36-year-old photographer named Indrani. There are pictures of her below. So it wasn’t really a mystery. I’m not sure why I built it up that way, but it was a mistake, and I wanted to come clean with you. No secrets, bro.

Indrani told The Post, “We have been spending a lot of time together. I have never had a relationship with a woman before, but Lindsay is just somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart, as well as super-hot.
“Lindsay gets a lot of bad press, but she’s a really strong, creative woman and is trying really hard to get her life in a good, positive place.”

We must be thinking of two separate girls both named “Lindsay Lohan” because the one I’m thinking of is a complete fuckup but whatever.

(Indranis business partner) said the pair are good for each other.
“Lindsay and Indrani have been seeing each other since we shot her last fall,” he said. “I’ve seen them on dates, I have seen them making out . . . Indrani is a good influence on Lindsay. She is the opposite of a party girl — a Princeton graduate, she’s into art and is a philanthropist — not what you’d expect the typical girl for Lindsay to go out with.
“When they are together, they talk about art and the deeper meaning in life.”

She really does seem like a terrific influence. That’s why Lindsay is in France daring a judge to throw her in jail. If she were a bad influence Lindsay would be scooching her ass across the judges front yard because she thinks it’s on fire.

kendras sex tape cover

By brendon May 18, 2010 @ 11:53 AM

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The DVD cover for Kendra Wilkinsons sex tape came out yesterday (full size pic), and the first image they have sort of looks like she’s giving oral but I think that’s just her tongue. She still looks uncomfortably young to me in this. I wouldn’t know if I should fuck her or buy her a pony.

lindsay cant get a flight home, is lying

By brendon May 18, 2010 @ 10:39 AM

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Lindsay Lohan only has today and tomorrow to complete 3 alcohol education classes, or else the judge claims she’ll issue a warrant for Lindsays arrest. But this sweet little lamb had to go to Cannes to get drunk work, and because of that big volcano she sort of heard something about, all the flights back to the US are full! Oh gosh, of all the rotten luck.

But sources say she can’t get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it’s impossible to get a seat.

These Lohans really are dumb as rocks. How did she get to Cannes 2 days ago? She dig a tunnel? And unless she was planning on being the pilot, there are tons of seats to get back, on your choice of planes.

Delta has 5 non-stop flights from Paris to NYC. With one days notice they have 116 seats open in first class, well over 100 more in coach (flight 8660, 8654, 8550, 8532, 8554). She can go from Cannes to Paris on rail in two in a half hours, then chose her own flight.

Flights on Air France look wide open as well. Their site also gives daily updates about the volcano. Today it says: “The volcanic ash cloud’s position does not impact our flights for the moment. Consequently, today, May 18, all Air France flights should operate according to schedule.”

The good news is that she’s too arrogant to ever back down from one of her dumb lies. So we may get an interview with Lindsay from inside her hotel room as it rains down “volcanic ash”. Upon closer inspection the ash appears to be feathers. Then Lindsay will take the camera and point it outside and the camera will pan over and Ali will be on the bed waving cut up pillows around. And in a quick slight of hand, instead of pointing the camera out the window, Lindsay will point it at the TV. Which is showing that scene where Paris gets blown up in ‘Armageddon’. And she’ll try to time it so that when the wave of destruction rolls toward the screen, Lindsay will fall down and say, “Oh my gosh what was that”. It will be like if ‘Cloverfield’ was made be a drunken retard. Of course, ‘Armageddon’ was about an asteroid but Lindsay doesn’t know what that means, or why I’m bringing it up in relation to her plan.

monday afternoon headlines

By brendon May 17, 2010 @ 8:29 PM

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TWO GIRLS WHO READ TYLER – need votes for their doc about military families as part of the Pepsi Refresh Everything campaign. And so they made this video and wrote on a girl with huge breasts. I found it very moving, and now I love military families! Unless the girl with the huge breasts doesn’t. In which case I hate them too. Booo! You Suck! (go vote)

WILL FERRELL - might be the one writing this fake twitter page for “Paramount Films”. He’s a main suspect because so many of the tweets are about the demise of ‘Anchorman 2′. But will there be a oh so timely George Bush impression? Hold on to your funny bones! (pop eater)

JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS - started shouting “nigger” after getting so drunk United wouldn’t allow him to board a flight from NY to LA, although it’s not clear if he was directing it at anyone in particular, and so he’s not really in any trouble. That’s why I call Mexicans “kikes” and black people “dagos”. It’s still incredibly racist, but so confusing that people don’t get upset. (radar)

CHRIS KLEIN - was clearly coked out of his mind during his audition for Mama Mia, though some say its fake. Those people never saw ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li’. If Klein were acting, he’d mumble incoherently then walk into a bunch of shit because he thinks squinting = badass. (youtube)

miss usa is a good dancer

By brendon May 17, 2010 @ 6:55 PM

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Miss Michigan Rima Fakih was crowned Miss USA last night, the first Arab American to ever win the title. It was a proud day for all Arab Americans, a feeling that would last all the way until this morning.

Mojo In The Morning producers have been contacted by representatives of Miss Universe requesting more photographs and information regarding Miss USA Rimah Fakih’s involvement in the “Stripper 101″ contest. When asked if Fakih’s status as Miss USA was in danger, pageant representatives would not answer.
Morning show host Mojo says the controversial photographs were taken from our website where they have been posted for three years. He said Mojo In The Morning will not release any further photographs and hopes that Donald Trump does not ask Fakih to relinquish her crown. “It would be foolish to consider anyone other than Rima to represent the USA. The photos taken from our website are no more provocative than those on the Miss USA website.”

This chick is really pretty so they shouldn’t take her title. Besides, what are we, a bunch of nerds. It’s not like she tied down some diabetic kids and fed them sugar just to see them twitch.

rachel uchitel is posing for playboy

By brendon May 17, 2010 @ 4:02 PM

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Rachel Uchitel got famous by sleeping with other peoples husbands, so you’d think she’d be flattered to pose for Playboy. Playmates are some of the finest people to ever live, and she should be honored to be in their company. All of us should be really. So she said yes unconditionally, right?

A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks.
We’re also told Rachel won’t be baring it all — just the backside … and the topside.

Are you god damn kidding me? This 5 has the nerve to make demands to Playboy, AND won’t show her kitty? They need to set her straight. Take your clothes off, lay down and shut your mouth little girl. That’s also the tagline on my e-harmony profile, btw. I don’t have time for games.

(source = splash news online)