Michael was kicked in the nuts

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 6:46 PM

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The former gay lover of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist (every single word so far makes me uncomfortable) says Michael was sterile because Joe Jackson once kicked him in the nuts so hard it left permanent damage.  I spoke too soon.  Now every word so far makes me uncomfortable.  The Enquirer says…

“He told me Joe hit Michael in the groin area on a few occasions. The first time it happened was when Michael was a kid and Joe was beating him up. He wailed on him, accidentally hitting him in the testicles.
“When Michael got older, Joe did it again. But this time, he kicked him in the testicles – calling him a sissy who didn’t need his testicles anyway.
“Arnie told me that Michael said his testicles were forever deformed from that beating, and he believed that’s why he couldn’t have children of his own.”

So wait, Joe dressed him in sparkly hats and pants as a kid and took him to dance class, then kicked him in the nuts because he wasn’t manly enough?  I don’t mean to jump to conclusions but I think maybe Joe was sending mixed signals.

Afternoon Headlines

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 6:32 PM

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LINDSAY LOHANhere’s a picture of Lindsay knocking on Sam Ronsons door early this morning. She of course is locked out after yet another fight. Say what you will about Lindsay but she’s perceptive. Sams message got through loud and clear. She wanted Lindsay to knock on the door incessantly. People love that. It’s soothing. (pacific coast)

JANET JACKSON – has separated from her husband Jermaine Dupre. The Jackson family never did like him. When his brother died, he actually buried him. WTF is that all about? So long weirdo.  (source = us magazine)

HAYDEN PANETTIERE – went swimming with dolphins this week. I do that too. One time the Dolphin King told me, “You are a good and loyal friend, and you will always have a home here in our underwater kingdom.” True Story!  (hq jump here)

Eva Mendes is sort of attractive

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 3:43 PM

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Eva Mendes is on vacation in Italy this week, and she looks even hotter now than she did when we made our sex tape. And she looked amazing in our sex tape.  When it came out, the Hollywood Reporter said, “Mendes is a stunner, breathtaking from start to finish … Brendon stumbles at first but displays noticeably increased confidence by the end … overall, a sexy romp that’s sure to delight and entertain. 4.5 stars”

(7 more pics here. hq jump here)

Criss Angel is the bad boy of magic

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 1:32 PM

EXCLUSIVE: Criss Angel & New Girlfriend Vacationing In Mexico

Criss Angel is down in Mexico this week with some girl who looks like Maya Rudolph, and that’s not a compliment for anyone involved. She’s ok I guess but a huge downgrade from Holly Madison. He shouldn’t even have this one, but women are always throwing themselves at magicians. They’re so cool. I thought the tiger was in that box, but no, it’s actually outside in a private jet! He’s a sorcerer!  He bends the laws of time and space and mocks our earthly laws of physics! Or perhaps just has access to a second tiger! One of the two!

Kim Kardashian is bouncy

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 9:56 AM

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I assume these Kim Kardashian bikini pics are from this set from last week, which is to say I have no idea where they’re from. I think it’s some campaign for Sierra Mist, which was a good idea because who knew they even still made that shit. That was where the good ideas ended because whatever genius thought the “girls on trampolines” thing would translate to still photography was sadly mistaken. It would be like instead of calling you on the phone and saying “hey do you have any weed”, I just mailed you the words “hey” “you” “weed” in three different letters.

But whatever, because it’s Foxy Friday here on Tyler, when Foxes get in free!

(hq jump here)

Is Britney cheating? (no)

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 6:57 AM

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By all accounts, Britney is happily dating her agent, Jason Trawick, but Page Six is hinting she may whoring around because she recently spent some time with Dallas Austin, a record producer who lives in Atlanta. This is retarded of course because she records albums, and he produces them for people like Madonna and Gwen Stefani and Pink, so why the hell wouldn’t they hang out.

And this isn’t really related but one time Dallas took a friend of mine shopping and bought her a Louis Vuitton purse because he wanted to sleep with her but she’s stuck up so she didn’t do anything. Ironically she mostly dates nerds. She’s the best thing to happen to nerds since Linux and the Fleshlight.

(UPDATE – okay so if I read her all-caps IM correctly, it was some other dude, not Dallas)

I feel cheated

By brendon July 16, 2009 @ 6:07 PM

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One of the photo agencies had these pictures and they said, “Annalynne McCord suffers tragically at the hand of wardrobe malfunction on the set of 90210.” And they had circles around her chest and kitty. Needless to say I immediately downloaded the hell out of them, but apparently for nothing. I don’t mean to brag, but I think I recognize a pair of tights when I see one.

(hq jump = here. source = fame)

Holy Crap! Mischa got 5150′d

By brendon July 16, 2009 @ 5:03 PM

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Damn.  So it seems Mischa Bartons call to the cops yesterday wasn’t as trivial as it seemed, because now Access Hollywood is reporting that she is being held under a 5150. That is to say she is being held against her will pending a psychiatric evaluation.

Barton has placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold by the LAPD and transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on Wednesday evening.
According to the code, authorities can hold a person involuntarily if they present a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled or suffer from a mental disorder. This same code was used to hold Britney Spears twice in Los Angeles in January 2008.
…the hospital can hold Barton involuntarily for up to 72 hours.

I think cops can just issue a 5150 by themselves, before ever consulting a doctor, and I realize that’s just to be safe, but it seems like a lot of power. I wish I could do that, but there’s no way I could legally make a girl stay with me for 3 days. That’s why I dug a moat around my house and filled it with alligators.