Eyes up here, pervert

By brendon June 12, 2009 @ 7:01 AM

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That living dead zombie and I agree; big tits really are awesome. I didn’t read the captions for these pictures from last night, but it would seem a haunted mummy was on some kind of killing spree (they sometimes rise up from their tombs to feed a hunger for revenge) but then Catherine Zeta Jones showed up with her breasts to save the day! Yaay, you did it!

(image source = wenn, splash and pcn. hq jump = here)
DECEPTIVE UPDATE – not really an update but whatever. A friend of mine does insurance for one of the big studios. When a movie is made she buys insurance on the actors and equipment and whatever. Obviously to do that she needs documentation on everyone. Real stuff, not the fakes they have made. Anyway, she said Jones is 12 years older than she claims. So, 51, and not 39 like her bio says. She looks pretty good for 51, but she’s standing next to George Washington – who should have died like 800 years ago – so that probably helps.

Kate Gosselin might be the devil

By brendon June 12, 2009 @ 5:19 AM

If you we’re making an episode of the A-Team, and you needed to establish how evil your bad guy was, one way to show that would be to have them living it up in a big mansion while the town they rule is real poor. And they could walk the streets drinking delicious water in front of little kids on the verge of dehydration. This clip of Kate Gosselin is like that, except it’s real life, and instead of random Mexican kids, it’s her own god damn daughter.

Here we see Plus 8 chasing fireflies and playing kick the can. Oh wait no they’re in a television studio so Kate can use them as props while she does an interview. While they wait, Mady says she’s thirsty. Kate ignores her. Mady says it again. Kate asks for a bottle of water, then takes a sip herself, then puts it away. Mady is, at best, three inches away when this happens. Mady says, “You’re really really mean, you drank it right in front of my face.” And Kate says, “Be quiet.” Then, FOR THE SECOND GOD DAMN TIME, Kate pretends as if she’s going to give a sip of water to adorable little girl, but then doesn’t.

It’s … I can’t … even …. she’s so cold, it feels like watching Ralph Fienes shoot that little kid in the back in Schindlers List.  And he was a Nazi.  Who ran a concentration camp.  Even crocodiles provide for their kids, and they eat half of them.

fuck you, beyonce

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 3:43 PM

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In 2004, when Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance on Will and Grace, she brought 75 assistants, including an eyebrow specialist and someone whose job was to hold her coat. In 2005, Mariah Carey had her limo circle the block at 2:15am until her London hotel laid down a red carpet lined with white candles and rose pedals because she refused to walk on concrete. Neither one of them is the most annoying bitch in this story.

Beyonce Knowles reportedly took a caravan of cars to transport herself and her entourage across the street.
The singer, who was staying at the Madarin Oriental hotel in Hyde Park (London), left to go shopping at the famed Harvey Nichols department store.
Which is about 45 feet from her hotel.
Instead of walking across the street, Beyonce took two vehicles full of bodyguards and personal assistants to drive down the road and make a U-turn in order to be dropped off in front of the store.
(She) was given a 20-minute guided tour around the department store (then) took the same route back to the hotel.”

In Beyonces defense, she confused “Harvey Nichols” with “Tim Hortons”.  One is a department store, the other sells doughnuts.  So she needed cars with as much room as there is in her stomachs.  It’s also why the tour was only 20 minutes.  She asked “where are the doughnuts” twice, then “no really where are the doughnuts”, then “what do you mean there’s no doughnuts”, then she slumped to the ground and cried.  By then someone had gotten her doughnuts, and so there was really no point in sticking around any more.

NOTE – changed out the banner picture with one from the Daily Mail to show how close her hotel really is.

Chanelle Hayes is here to help

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 2:09 PM

Chanelle Hayes Relaxing At Buddha Bar (USA AND OZ ONLY)

Brit model/singer Chanelle Hayes is only beginning to get famous, so I’ve never seen her in a bikini before, and now that I have Holy Crap she has really pretty skin.  I know that’s a weird compliment and the kind of thing you would say to a fat girl when forced to be polite, but in this case it’s true.  Actually you probably shouldn’t tell a fat girl she has nice skin.   Or she’ll think you’re going to kidnap and make a dress out of her.  Because why else would you be talking to her?

(source = flynet. hq jump = here)

Chastity Bono is getting a penis

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 12:37 PM

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Chastity Bono has revealed today that she is in the early stages of changing her gender, to transition from living as a woman to living as a man.  From the looks of things, this should only take another hour or so.  Someone get her a tie and she’ll be done.  TMZ says…

“Yes, it’s true — Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” confirmed Bono’s publicist, Howard Bragman.
“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz’s hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his ‘coming out’ did nearly 20 years ago.”

A report in the British Journal of Psychiatry said the suicide rate for people after a sex change is 1.9 percent.  That’s 17,000 times higher than the suicide rate in the US (0.000111 percent).  So it seems the problem is these problem are trapped in the wrong body, and once they get some things chopped off, everything will finally be ok.  I also think that if you’re computer is acting funny, try sawing your keyboard in half.  Don’t waste time with software or whatever, it sounds to me and Chastity Bono that the problem is your computer was destined to have a keyboard that’s been sawed in half.

UPDATE – tmz was sort of coy about it but back in April, Ted Casablanca on E! said Chastity was pitching a reality show around town that would document her “sex-change operation.”  So it would seem this isn’t just hormones and a hat.  She seemingly wants a penis made by inserting prosthetic testicles and slicing a tendon behind her clitoris so it will flop around between her legs.  To push the Terror from a 10 to an 11, maybe they can fill her new nuts with cobra venom that she can shoot into your eyes.

Paris Hilton did Cristiano Ronaldo

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 10:56 AM

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The timeline for last night seems to be that Paris Hilton broke up with Greg (aka, “Doug”) Reinhardt, then hit some clubs, then about two hours later she went home with international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo.  She’s nothing if not resilient.

They both went to MyHouse last night and left at around 3 AM for a Ron-dezvous at Nicky Hilton’s pad, according to X17. Cristiano left at around 5 AM

Um, so I don’t actually care about Paris Hilton or the list of victims her poisoned womb is attacking, but I very much do care about hot Asian girls who are mostly naked.   In honor of that, hey look, it’s Jamie Chung.  The last 4 pictures were in a magazine but the first three have never been seen before.  Big deal photographer Randall Slavin (more from him here and here) took them for Maxim.  Ronaldo should have put the moves on Jamie instead.  Why Paris?  You might as well fuck a garbage can.  Her vagina has just as much room and disease, but at least the garbage can won’t make you listen to it’s crappy record.

Headbands are not good helmets

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 8:29 AM

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Literally dozens of fans have been left with nothing to do this evening since the announcement that Brett Michaels will not perform tonight in Myrtle Beach, because Sunday night he got demolished by the stage at the Tony Awards (video of that here, bigger damage pic and one more here and here). BrettMichaels.com – wait, what? – says…

“Unfortunately due injuries suffered at the Tony awards Sunday night, the Bret Michaels show scheduled for tonight in Myrtle Beach has been postponed and rescheduled for Thursday August 6th. Due to a large stage prop that struck Bret’s head further tests are being conducted on his head and spine. Bret Michaels solo tour dates will resume June 12th in Gadsden Alabama and will continue throughout the summer.”

Oh no. What will all those chubby, unloved 42-year-old women do now?   They had their struggling-to-beat hearts set on this.  They even cut the fingers off some new black leather gloves.  Oh well.  Looks like a few lucky kitty kats are getting some new scarves knit for them tonight!

Morning headlines

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 7:55 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Chantelle Houghton Sunbathing In France (USA AND OZ O

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4 – I think I’m the only one who feels Mission Impossible 3 is completely awesome, until the final ten minutes. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the best actor alive, and Maggie Q is so GD hot I’d rather masturbate to the words “Maggie Q” on a piece of blank paper than a Playboy. Somehow my point to all this is that the great JJ Abrams has confirmed he’s back on board for number 4. (source = IGN)

PARIS HILTON – is single. She broke up with that guy whose name I can’t remember. Actually I’m not sure I ever knew it. Greg? Greg. I think it was Greg. My best friend from high school is named Greg. He’s a doctor now. (source = people)

CHANTELLE HOUGHTON – This is the internet and I’m a slave to bikini pictures so they go up almost no matter what, and that’s very much the case with this UK reality “star”. She’s not that good looking, and she needs to lose 10 pounds, but since the dawn of time man has wondered what Kumar would look like with implants and a bikini. Picture 4 has the shocking answer! (source = flynet. hq jump = here)