“was left drenched in blood…”

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 5:20 PM

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera and her mom, Shelly Kearns, are the focus of a new documentary on E!, and they talk candidly about why Kearns left Christinas father. It seems pretty reasonable. The Sun UK says…

A FOUR-year-old CHRISTINA AGUILERA was left drenched in blood after her father violently attacked her – for innocently disturbing his “nap”.
Shelly recalled: “I scooped her up and said, ‘Oh my God. What’s wrong?’
“She told me, ‘Daddy wanted to take a nap and I made too much noise.’”
The alleged horror incident was the final straw for Shelly, who packed up and fled the family home with Christina and her other daughter RACHEL.

Well, even though she did make too much noise, you shouldn’t beat kids until they’re soaked in blood. There’s better ways to deal with a kid who interrupts your nap. Cookies filled with poison, for example.

lindsay throws beer cans now

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 2:40 PM

Lindsay Lohan has no business at an acting award ceremony of course, so she did not attend the Emmys Sunday night. She is an alcoholic drug-addict however, so she very much did attend the Emmy after-parties, including one at the Chateau Marmont.

When she stumbled out “definitely drunk” around 3:30am, she was in no mood for the paparazzi. As she ducked down to drink do drugs have sex with something hide, they asked things like “are yoo a bade influence on your seester?”

Then, as if to answer “yes”, she took a can of Amstel Light and threw it at them. Luckily there just happened to be an open can of beer in her hand, even though she doesn’t drink. Maybe that cars back seat makes Amstel Light. Do they have cars like that? I didn’t think they did but Lindsay doesn’t drink or lie, so it’s the only logical explanation.

nicola roberts understands fashion

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 1:41 PM

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At an event last night at the Mayfair Hotel in London, Nicola Roberts showed why she’s my favorite member of the UK girl-group ‘Girls Aloud’. Primarily because she wore a shirt that might as well be made of glass, but also because I don’t know who my other choices may be. Is Carrie Underwood in that? She’s a singer, right?

Nicola isn’t that awesome looking or anything, in fact it’s a little like we’re being seduced by Arianna Huffington, but any famous rich girl who wears invisible clothes gets a Five Diamond ranking in my book. My book is called, “Girls Who Probably Do Anal.”

(10 more here. hq jump here. source = wenn, splash and flynet)

this dude seems pretty cool

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 12:47 PM

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Katy Perry helped out the band 3OH-something-something-I-have-no-idea and got all wet in a fountain for their new video. And while being in a band seems like a cool job, it’s not nearly as cool as the guy who answered the ad to fondle Katy Perrys huge breasts. I’m sure he’s gay (ungrateful bastard) but I would pretend to be gay too for a job where my responsibilities included “Feel Some Big Titties”.  Unfortunately they might catch on when I stared into her eyes the whole time with an erection. Then pulled her hair and called her a whore.  And then came.

(16 more pix here. hq jump here. source = fame)

detective freckles was right!

By brendon September 22, 2009 @ 11:23 AM

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When Lindsay Lohans house was broken into last August, Detective Freckles got out her trench coat and giant magnifying glass and deduced that the culprit may have had motives even more sinister than simple financial gain.

that’s how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me

Well, that still makes it a robbery, I mean ROBBERY, but whatever, because today TMZ says the suspect was an old friend. Her coke dealer.

The man arrested for allegedly burglarizing Lindsay Lohan’s house may not have been a stranger to the actress..
Several people who worked with her on the movie “Labor Pains” saw Nick Prugo hanging out on the set with Lindsay. One person who worked on the set estimates she saw them together at least 10 times.
Prugo — who is 18 — was arrested for cocaine possession last February.

Lindsay almost made this arrest last week when she confronted Nick but he escaped when the heel broke off one of her shoes during a struggle and after that she just ran in a circle for about a minute then got dizzy and fell down.

its the perfect crime

By brendon September 21, 2009 @ 4:53 PM

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In May of 2008 (here), several recordings were released of phone conversations between Hulk Hogan and his son Nick while Nick sat in jail for essentially killing his friend John Grazziano. On the tape, Hulk and Nick agree that Johns negative attitude was why the Lord slammed Johns head into a light pole, and Nick was merely the vessel for their vengeful Gods angry wrath. They also discussed how Nick could make the most money possible from all this.

Needless to say Hulk learned nothing about how recorded phone calls work, so a few weeks ago he called Chase Holfelder, the lead singer of the band The Mile After. As you can hear, Hulk waits for the beep, then threatens to have Hells Angels break Holfelders legs.

To his credit, Hogan didn’t leave his name and address, but any chance of anonymity went to hell when he explained what type of Mania was bein’ messed with (Hulk-A), and then calling him “brother”.  Hogan should be a spy or something.  He’s a chameleon, the man of 1000 Faces.

seriously. wtf?

By brendon September 21, 2009 @ 2:39 PM

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‘Gossip Girl’ stars Blake Lively and Leighton Meester presented the Emmy for Best Guest Actor in a Comedy last night, and Leighton is super hot of course, but she looks exactly like porn star Tori Black (here and here. Can anyone even tell them apart? I would pay 10,000 dollars for every time they kissed).  And since Regular Tori Black doubles as Slutty Tori Black, Leighton needs to do more than just look like Regular Tori Black. Maybe she could hold a flashlight under her chin and be Telling A Ghost Story Tori Black. Something like that, except, you know, not retarded.

(31 more pix here.  hq jump here.  source = getty images)

ricky gervais at the emmys

By brendon September 21, 2009 @ 12:40 PM

Every single thing Ricky Gervais does is funny, and last night as he presented the Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series was no exception. You can just look at him and tell he’s about to do something funny. Just like you can look at someone with their jeans hanging beneath their ass and tell they’re about to break one or more laws, probably upside your ass.