snooki is gettin me all hot

By brendon May 03, 2010 @ 1:18 PM

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Sometimes this website gets accused of being unfairly negative, so I wanted to say something nice about Snooki after she wore a bikini on Miami beach this weekend. It was a big challenge, and I was not up to it, so the nicest observation I could come up with is that you could prolly pick her up by her ankles and swing her around and use her as a weapon if it came down to it. Because she’s short and fat. It would be like if a fire hydrant had handles.

(source = splash news online)

screw you, johnny depp

By brendon May 03, 2010 @ 7:16 AM

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A few months ago Johnny Depp went to a steak house in Chicago with two friends and left a $4,000 tip (more). And in February he gave a long interview to CBS to help the West Memphis 3 (more). So what is Mr Wonderful up to now? Oh nothing. Just taking back our streets and then counseling the downtrodden, is all. The Sun says…

JOHNNY DEPP has rescued a pal from a mugger brandishing a broken bottle.
(Depp), 46, stepped in when British singer STEPHEN JONES was accosted for cash as the pair left a recording studio in Los Angeles. “It was an extremely scary moment. This guy looked off his head.
“Johnny looked him straight in the eyes and told him to back off.”
After Johnny intervened, the (guy) backed down.
“Johnny gave him a few bucks and told him to straighten up his life.”

Whatever. He’s not so great. I would have done the same thing as long as the criminal was white. But not if he was a minority of course because I assume they can beat me up. If I ever saw a minority walking toward me I would grab the back of my girlfriends arms and crouch behind her, shielding myself from my future-attacker. And while my girlfriend is distracted by what she assumes to be cowardice, I surprise her with some treachery as well by pushing her into the minority and yelling to him or her that my girlfriend has money in her purse.

molly sims was in a bikini

By brendon May 03, 2010 @ 6:33 AM

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Yesterday in Miami, Sports Illustrated supermodel Molly Sims went to the beach, and it first it didn’t look like she was gonna wade into the water. But then she did wade into the water. After that, she changed her mind and got out. Awesome, huh? They should make a movie out of this.

friday afternoon headlines

By brendon April 30, 2010 @ 6:15 PM

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CONAN O’BRIEN - has a big interview on ’60 Minutes’ this weekend, and one surprise is that he doesn’t feel NBC screwed him over. He says things just didn’t work out. Another surprise is when Steve Kroft shows pictures of Conan buying yellow cake uranium. Let’s see that drunk mick weasel his way out of this one. (full quotes)

BATMAN 3 - doesn’t have a name or a script or a cast, but it reportedly has a release date: July 20th, 2012. This seems like bullshit. There’s no way in hell the sequel to the 5th biggest movie of all time would be released at the end of July. Then again, these Hollywood exec’s seem to really know what they’re doing, so who am I to judge. (hollywood reporter)

DAISY DUKE 1 - was Catherine Bach, and today her husband was found dead of an apparent suicide. Or maybe this is one of Boss Hoggs tricks, like that time he rigged the Chili Cook Off. (radar)

DAISY DUKE 2 - was Jessica Simpson, and she was on ‘Ellen’ Wednesday in a top that flaunted the only positive to come from a girl piling on weight. They chatted for a minute and then Ellen brought out some picnic basket thing to give Jessica some gifts, but also so Ellen could hide her erection.

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david letterman is candid

By brendon April 30, 2010 @ 4:54 PM

David Letterman made a very rare appearance today on a talk show other than his own when he went on ‘Live with Regis and Kelly’ this morning. As you might guess, he was typically self effacing and candid, even mentioning the affairs he had with several women who worked on his show. The Huffington Post says…

“How’s everything at home?” Philbin asked, to which Letterman replied, deadpan, “I don’t know if people know about this, but I’ve had some trouble.”
(Letterman said) his behavior was stupid and reckless, and that it hurt his family and himself. But he sounded hopeful that life with his wife and young son can “even be better, in a different way” than before

This is only sort of relevant but someone in a position to know told me Letterman has been asked to be a guest on Conan O’Briens first TBS show, and Letterman really wants to do it. So the first show would be Tom Hanks and Letterman with no musical guest, and Conan would bring them both out at once, and they would do three or four segments with Conan, Tom and Dave. I really am fascinating aren’t I? And I’ve got hundreds of gems like this. Hard to believe a great guy like me is still single, isn’t it. Part 2 of Dave under the cut.

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“It was important to adopt in the u.s.”

By brendon April 30, 2010 @ 2:34 PM

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‘Speed’ came out in 1994, so Sandra Bullock has been really famous for a really long time, and yet I don’t think I’ve ever heard a single bad thing about her. Probably because she’s not the typical self-involved Me Me Me Hollywood weirdo. Case in point…

Sandra says that it was important to her and Jesse to adopt domestically, even though it meant a longer wait for a baby.
“We began the conversations and then all the paperwork, the background checks, the home visitations about four years ago,” she said. “We didn’t want to go at it any other way than the way everyone else would have to do it. There are hoops, but the hoops are there to protect the child. And worth every jump.”
When asked why she chose to adopt from New Orleans, Sandra said adopting domestically was the priority.
“I don’t know if it was important to adopt from New Orleans, but it was important to adopt from the U.S.,” she said. “New Orleans for both of us was a place that we loved, a place that had a lot of history for the both of us and a place I couldn’t let go of.”

It actually says a lot about Jesse James that he would keep his mouth shut about adopting a black baby while all that Nazi stuff was going on. He could have done himself a big favor and used that to defend himself while everyone was saying he was a white supremacist. So I guess things aren’t always what they seem and you shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Unless you’re a really hot girl and you think I deserve to see naked pictures of you because I’m such a cool guy. That’s actually the correct conclusion, and you should do that right away. After today, for years to come people will be talking about you and your amazing idea.

NOTE - that is the most menacing lookin fuckin baby I’ve ever seen. it looks like he just said his first words, and they were, ‘wus up nigga’. it makes me think reincarnation is real and tookie williams is back. i would give that little fucker my wallet if he looked at me like that, and then tearfully beg for him not to hurt me.

halle berry is single

By brendon April 30, 2010 @ 12:39 PM

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Halle Berry has broken up with her Canadian model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry after dating for the past four years, and having a child together in 2008.

It’s always sad when a couple breaks up, and since this isn’t a sad website, it’s a happy website (!), I thought a good way to cheer everybody up would be to post some pictures of Halles delicious titties. She’s probably filled with self doubt lately, so I bet she’ll be tickled pink to know that people all over the world are looking at her and masturbating. What a honor!

(giant nsfw ‘swordfish’ screencap here)

lindsay is going to jail! or not!

By brendon April 30, 2010 @ 11:35 AM

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Lindsay Lohan is in big trouble now blah blah blah broke the law again blah blah jail for sure!

Lindsay Lohan has violated the terms of her probation and is headed for a showdown in court next month that will almost certainly land her in jail.
Lohan — who is on probation for DUI — has not fulfilled the alcohol education requirement laid down by the judge.
Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to Lindsay late last year, she must attend alcohol ed courses once every 7 days. And the judge was explicit … if Lindsay did not comply with the terms of probation, she was going to jail.
Judge Revel has made it clear to Lindsay — no more chances. If probation is violated, she’s going to jail … and probation was repeatedly violated.

Oh WTF ever. She won’t go to jail. She never goes to jail, because the judges in SoCal are all a bunch of liberal pussies who never lock up anyone. LOOK at the last time this dumb bitch showed up in court, in front of this very same judge. The case was about her drinking and getting high, and she showed up 90 minutes late, looking like this. And the judge didn’t do shit. It would be like a murder trial where the defendant is covered in blood, or a fraud case where the suspect is in court eating sheets of paper as fast as he can.