joe francis acted in “self-defense”

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 4:11 PM

The attorney for Joe Francis must be from one of those countries where they chop out a womans clitoris when she turns 11 or push them in volcanoes to make it rain, and he’ll be all set if he can get Joe’s assault trial moved there. Otherwise this may be the dumbest defense strategy in the history of anything ever.

Joe Francis acted in self-defense when he grabbed Jayde Nicole’s hair and violently yanked her off a bar stool and dragged her along the floor, his lawyer says.
“The footage clearly shows Nicole instigating the incident, waiting to hit Francis in the back of the head and then pour her drink down his back, thereby committing two counts of battery on Francis,” says a press release quoting Francis lawyer Cyrus Nownejad. He also points out that because the tape has no audio you can’t hear Jayde screaming “I’m going to kill you” at Francis.
“My client grabbed Nicole’s hair in self-defense to restrain her from further assaults against him and to protect himself against her horrendous threat.”

Let’s read that last one again.

“My client grabbed Nicole’s hair in self-defense to restrain her from further assaults against him and to protect himself against her horrendous threat.”

It must have taken superhuman strength for Joe to overcome his injuries and find the courage to grab a 100 pound model by her hair and drag her across the floor. Sure she had her back to him, but that’s just the point. She was facing the bar. She’d already poured 1oz of vodka on his back, now she was reloading. Now we’re up to a quarter-cup, and that’s IF there’s no ice. He could have drowned. His quick thinking saved his life, pretty much.

hmm. well. look at that.

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 3:11 PM

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Kristin Cavallari was doing whatever the hell it is she does yesterday, and if this was in fact for her job, she was wise to chose a profession that included wearing tiny shorts because she kicks ass at it. As a performer, you have to know what your strengths are. Kristins include wearing very little clothing and then not speaking. If she thinks this is limiting her career, perhaps having sex with another girl and then sending me a video of it would help for some reason.

(11 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

lindsay lohan is a genius

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 11:39 AM

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No need to read that headline again. You read it right. Lindsay Lohan is a genius. It’s official. Her mom said so.

Lindsay was also hurt by criticism of her debut Ungaro fashion line. Dina said, “The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.”
She said that, despite her deal with the French fashion house, Lindsay would also be creatively involved in Dina’s shoe line … “she will definitely have input because she is so talented.”
Taking a final swipe at her daughter’s detractors, Dina pleaded, “Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God.”

In a very much related story, here are pictures from 2006 described as, “Lindsay attempts to skip rocks in the ocean.” Presumably an ocean with waves. I know her mom is just defending her only source of income, but Lindsay could be declared legally dead in most states she’s so GD dumb.

(14 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

morning headlines

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 11:31 AM

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN

DAVID HASSELHOFF – spent two days in a London hospital this week after a drinking binge that lasted for days. You really have to wonder why someone would do this. Considering there’s so much legal weed only an hour away by plane. (the sun)

NIC CAGE – owes over 6 million dollars in back taxes.  Might be a bad idea to cheat the IRS when your income is listed in a number of prominent daily Hollywood newspapers. (tmz)

JON GOSSELIN – gave his daughter an ATV for her birthday. Her 9th birthday. Considering he acts like his kids are keeping him from the sexy party life he deserves, I get the feeling this will come up during his trial one day soon. (popeater)

MEGAN FOX – is for sale. Sort of.  Or at least the clothes she wore in the Transformers sequel are.  And since I’m going to buy them and scrape them for DNA then make a harem of my own Megan Fox’s, then yes, Megan Fox is for sale.  (auction here. hq jump here)

i cant breathe

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 10:10 AM

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Victoria’s Secret Supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio signed autographs at a VS store in Miami yesterday, and OHMYFUCKINGGOD she’s just perfect. Every other women on earth looks like they’ve been struck down with a gypsy curse compared to her. Even other supermodels might as well have bony claws and one disproportionately big yellow eye. I would go down on her even if it turns out she secretes some kind of flesh eating toxin.

(7 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

girls next door is back

By brendon October 09, 2009 @ 10:03 AM

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Exclusive sources to Tyler reveal today that the hit E! show ‘Girls Next Door’, the show that made Kendra Wilkinson, Holly MarSomething and The Other One The One With Huge Natural Boobs household names, will return to E! this Sunday with an all new cast of girls living near you. I can’t go into how I know this but I’m a pretty big deal in Hollywood. I don’t mean to brag but you can take this one to the bank.

Hefs new main girl, Crystal Harris (the one who isn’t a twin) is actually sort of hot. Sort of really really hot. And this is only barely related but remember last year when Miss Teen Louisiana was arrested after a dine-and-dash because she left behind her purse, which contained her drivers license. And also a bag of weed (more here). Well her name is Lindsey Evans, and she’s this months Playmate. I didn’t realize that until a search for Crystal Harris pictures. And Lindsey is awesome (nsfw nsfw), and 19, so there’s 17 pictures of her on the other side. I just … I just wanted you to have them. I just thought you might like them.  Look, I know I act like a jerk sometimes, but … but I love you.

go raiders!

By brendon October 08, 2009 @ 6:56 PM

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I can’t always tell the difference between “British” and “Gay”, but despite all pants to the contrary, Russell Brand is apparently heterosexual and to prove it he’s having sex with Katy Perry. Although even gay guys probably appreciate her amazing tits, so really this proves nothing. They’ve been together all week at Paris fashion shows, and they’ve been spotted holding hands and generally making a spectacle of themselves, but that didn’t stop Katy from cheering on the Raiders and/or joining KISS.

(14 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

lindsay will be good as new

By brendon October 08, 2009 @ 4:13 PM

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Earlier this week Michael Lohan announced to the world that his daughter was maybe addicted to prescription drugs. I’m not even sure if they’ve ever even met at this point so god knows how he came to that conclusion but now he wants to stage an intervention. So, um, if you’re Lindsay Lohan, stop reading.

“I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way,” Michael Lohan told Radar.

“But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing.”

Is running their mouth about things they think they know the best way to handle Lindsay’s drug use? Yes it is, according to the person doing that.

“When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her,” he said. “If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

Lindsay is gonna need even more anti anxiety medicine once all this public pressure comes down on her. Everywhere she goes, people will be saying, “you should listen to Michael Lohan. He has a lot of good ideas.” He’s like a modern day King Arthur, or Yoda.