Miley Cyrus turns 18 today

By brendon November 23, 2010 @ 12:08 PM


Only 12 states actually have 18 as an age of consent (30 states have 16, the other 8 have 17), but, whatever, because Miley Cyrus is now officially “legal”, I guess. So if you wanted to have sex with her in Hawaii AND Delaware, your day has arrived my friend.

Over the weekend she had an early party at Trousdale in Hollywood, wearing a half shirt and leather pants and taking pictures with her mom and Demi Moore (wait, what?), all of which only called more attention to her alarmingly big head. Her poor moms vagina must whistle like a Coke bottle when you go down on her.

Monday afternoon headlines

By brendon November 22, 2010 @ 7:01 PM

The Miss California 2010 Pageant

KIM KARDASHIAN – is reportedly dating Halle Berrys ex, Gabriel Aubry. He of course is a model who first came to the US when he left Quebec and traveled to New York. Just like the 9/11 hijackers. Hmm. Isn’t that interesting. Oh but I’m sure that’s all just a big coincidence, right Gabriel? (

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – made 330 million dollars worldwide this weekend, 125M in America. It’s the most profitable, and therefore best, movie ever made. Oscar race = over. (deadline)

CHARLIE SHEEN – might be in trouble for his drug-fueled NY hotel hissy fit after all, bc today Capri Anderson filed a criminal complaint claiming he was using drugs and held her against her will. Legal experts think this could be tricky for Sheen, because of the fact that he’s guilty. (radar)

ALYSSA CAMPANELLA – is the new Miss California. As you may have noticed, she has red hair. And of course girls with red hair are the best ones, except for Asian girls. They should have a TV show about a girl with red hair in a bikini who kisses an Asian girl in a bikini. You’re Welcome, Hollywood!

I feel the same way Ke$ha

By brendon November 22, 2010 @ 4:57 PM


Ke$ha was one of the big nominees at last nights painfully boring American Music Awards (ratings were down 22 percent from last year), and as E! pointed out this morning, even she looked bored and/or embarrassed by her dumb outfit. She just stood there like a lump on the red carpet, and then again at the Rolling Stone party.

Oh well pardon me your majesty. Look bitch this was your idea, don’t get all surly with us. Don’t think we won’t replace you with a hologram, because we will. It wouldn’t even have to be a good hologram. It could be an air brushed Garfield and still be a billion times more fuckable.

how do people not know who Shay Maria is

By brendon November 22, 2010 @ 3:24 PM


Last week the Windows phone girl jumped out of anonymity and into our hearts when someone on twitter told me her name is Christina Cuenca. And after that I got lots of email about other anonymous hot girls, but more than anything else I got this picture. Followed by, “A History of Pictures I’ve Jacked Off To” by The Person Who Wrote You This Email.

Um, I don’t know if there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, but you totally don’t need to tell me those things.

Anyway, it’s Shay Maria. She’s a dancer and a model, in that order. You can follow her on twitter or tumblr.

Normally she yells at me when I post her bikini pictures (because they were just test shots and not meant to be released) but this time she said it was ok. She said, “Well I’m going for a more mature sexy look, not the, ‘hey look at my big titties stuff.” “Ahh yes, I see”, I replied while trying not to get caught looking at her tits.

Lindsay Lohan has been fired from her only remaining job

By brendon November 22, 2010 @ 2:23 PM

To recap, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to make a big comeback in the movie Inferno, a bio-pic of 70′s porn star Linda Lovelace. The movie was all set to go, except that it doesn’t own the rights to the story, it doesn’t have financing, or a script, or a cast or a director who has any idea what he’s doing.

But then Lindsay went back to jail and back to rehab and back to jail and back to rehab, and so now the attention whore director has been forced to fire Lindsay and replace with her with Watchmen star Malin Akerman. Though to be honest if Akerman is aware of any of this I’ll be nothing short of stunned.

“We are withdrawing our offer from Lindsay Lohan,” Wilder says.E! “We are currently in negotiations [with another actress] and working out the legalities of bringing her onboard.”
“We have stuck by Lindsay very patiently for a long time with a lot of love and support,” Wilder says. “Ultimately, the impossibility of insuring her—and some other issues—have made it impossible for us to go forward.”
Meanwhile, a source close to Lohan tells E! News the starlet wasn’t happy with the direction of the movie, regardless.
“She wanted them to tone down a lot of the racy scenes”, the source said. “It wasn’t going to be good for her to play someone with substance issues when she is going through her own recovery.”

The good news for Lindsay is that this was never really a job anyway. The bad news is it was the only thing she had to pretend was a job. The even worse news is, every single thing she did in Machete. Lindsay is an absolutely god damn horrible actress now. She can’t even act like a naked slut, despite rehearsing for this role every single day for the past 4 years.

Justin Bieber is the Artist of the Year

By brendon November 22, 2010 @ 11:51 AM


Music awards are dumb in general, music award shows are practically retarded, and music award shows where the winners are determined solely by fan voting are off in the corner putting their dicks in an open light socket.

I give you the 2010 American Music Awards.

Justin Bieber had a perfect debut at the American Music Awards, winning all four awards he was nominated for: entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for “My World 2.0.”
“This means the world to me,” said Bieber after winning breakthrough artist. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible.”

Woww. 30,000. I guess this really IS an amazing story of overcoming adversity. Is it even listed on maps? They should leave that Survivorman guy there for a week, leave him to forage for breakfast at the Hampton Inn in this desolate wilderness with only 2 Starbucks, one of which… is inside Target! Dun-dun-dun!

inviting Kelly Brook to parties is a good idea

By brendon November 19, 2010 @ 8:02 PM


Kelly Brook was at the Playboy Energy Drink launch at the Funky Buddha in London last night in this fantastically tight dress, and apparently she got a short hair cut at some point. And, I’m as shocked as anyone, but HOLY SHIT does she look good. Girls always – ALWAYS – look better with long hair, but she looks great like this too. Of course, it’s Kelly Brook. Going from long hair to short on her is like going from a sterling silver Maybach to a sterling silver Maybach that’s low on gas.

Paris Hilton is taking back the streets

By brendon November 19, 2010 @ 6:32 PM


Paris Hilton, in front of a camera crew while wearing a diamond Chanel necklace and black stiletto heels, volunteered her time today to help the Hollywood Beautification Team paint over graffiti, some of it tags left by the MS-13 gang. And she wasn’t even scared. She was laughing and smiling the whole time while disrespecting the Maras. She knows they’re too scared to do anything about it. “Them beetches aint gonna sheet, holmes” she probably said, mocking their Latin accents. Daammn. I guess we know who runs the streets of Hollywood, don’t we MS-13.