afternoon headlines

By brendon May 12, 2010 @ 4:08 PM

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ROBERT PATTINSON - seems pretty cool to be honest with you. And yesterday he proved it again by showing up at a fans house to say hi. He posed for pictures with everyone and the girl was real happy. Then he played a ‘Get Up Kids’ record and told her butterflies make him cry and she completely came in her pants. (la times)

THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS - better hope host Aziz Ansari does 90 minutes of standup because the list of nominees is fucking terrible. (mtv)

BRITNEY SPEARS - fired her agent. Who is also her boyfriend. So this way there won’t be any weird conflict. Like, she won’t have to fire him one day, for example. I’m not gonna lie, her plan has a few holes in it. (the sun)

EMMA WATSON - is not the topless girl in this picture. Her agent says it’s an obvious photoshop and he’s right. He also said you were adopted because your birth parents hated you. Sry. :( (the sun)

brooklyn decker in a bikini, part 2

By brendon May 12, 2010 @ 12:57 PM

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Brooklyn Decker is obviously very attractive, but she’s not amazing or anything, so I guess that’s why I never noticed her blue-ribbon winning tits before. Thinking of our lost time together makes me sort of angry.

Here she is in Hawaii (again), filming scenes for a new Adam Sandler movie. Hopefully her role involves lots of running and jumping. If not maybe one of the readers in Hawaii can go over and throw a shark at her.

(source = splash news online)

miley cyrus is a good dancer

By brendon May 12, 2010 @ 11:12 AM

When word broke of a video showing Miley Cyrus grinding her 16-year-old ass into director Adam Shankman, the details felt exaggerated. Anything sexual was probably done as a fun little joke and it wouldn’t be as provocative as people were claiming.

That is very much not the case, as you can tell in TMZs video. It’s pretty damn suggestive.

But is it a glimpse into the real Miley or just someone being an idiot? I would guess the real Miley. She looks completely at ease. Someone like Selena Gomez could train for 6 months and still not make being a whore look that effortless. Unless she were properly motivated that is. And so that’s why I kidnapped her little brother.

jessica simpson is on ‘entourage’

By brendon May 12, 2010 @ 9:58 AM

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Yesterday Jessica Simpson filmed a guest appearance on ‘Entourage’, the dumbest fucking show on television. It sucks now, it’s always sucked and if anyone thinks otherwise they’re an idiot.

As if that isn’t humiliating enough, Jessica didn’t even get her own trailer. She had to share a trailer with another actress. And by “actress” I mean “porn star”. AND, the porn star got top billing. Just imagine all the stirring conversation they must have had while waiting around. “No way, you like putting things in your mouth and then swallowing? Hey neat, so do I!”

(source = pacific coast news)

tyra is writing books now

By brendon May 11, 2010 @ 9:24 PM

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Tyra Banks is a barely functioning retard who can’t string 10 words together and have them be related in any way, but she has amazing tits so everyone puts up with her. Needless to say this makes her an ideal choice to write a series of fantasy books.

The series will follow a teenager who gets into an exclusive modeling academy for “Intoxibellas”. Who are they? Exactly who you thought they were. Models with special powers. Tyra says,

“It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.”

First of all, the fact that this cunt paused to explain that “modelland” is pronounced “model land” is enraging. Of course it’s pronounced “model land”. There’s literally no other way for the words “model” and “land” to be pronounced, regardless of whether or not the person who wrote it had a fucking space bar that worked.

It’s a land of models, and this dimwitted bitch named it “model land”. It would be like if Harry Potter went to “Magicschool”. JK Rowling would go through French gardening books and Greek mythology to find interesting names. “Dumbledore” is an old word for “bumblebee”, for example. Like the books or not, at least Rowling wanted to be creative. But fuck that. Why bother? Just type what something is. That’s just as good. If Tyra wrote Star Wars, “MainCharacter” would fight “HalfRobotMan”. Oohh, weeeee, I’m being whisked away into a world of imagination.

But really that’s a minor point. Because yes. Yes we have seen a place like this before. There are literally dozens of books exactly like it. 


“Hey kid, you’re magic.”
“Who me? Oh no sir, there must be a mistake. I’m ordinary.”

200 pages later.

“Hooray! Though I am small and was over matched by a vastly superior foe, my magic has saved the day!”

Thank god no one in this country can read anymore.

brooklyn decker is in a bikini

By brendon May 11, 2010 @ 6:51 PM

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Sport Illustrated supermodel Brooklyn Decker has a starring role in the new Adam Sandler movie with Jennifer Aniston, and while filming in Hawaii today, Brooklyn put on a bikini and then rubbed oil onto her amazing tits. They haven’t decided on an official name for the movie yet, but they should just call it that. Brooklyn Decker puts on a bikini and then rubs oil onto her amazing tits. That would be a really good movie.

(source = inf daily)

the sexy miley lapdance pictures now has sexy video

By brendon May 11, 2010 @ 5:14 PM

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Late last year, pictures surfaced of Miley Cyrus grinding her teen ass into director Adam Shankman at a party in Hollywood. Even though Miley was underage it wasn’t a huge controversy because Shankman is gay, and teen girl ass means nothing to them. It’s almost as if she was testing him for gay and he scored a 100.

But now the non-controversy may become plus-controversy with the release of a video from the same party, one that shows Miley acting extremely sexual.

“The video was taken about seven months ago at a wrap party for The Last Song. The worst part is that there were little kids at the party and the dancing between Miley and Adam was so dirty that some of the parents actually left the party and took their kids home.”
The video shows Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.
In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party.

10 seems like a good age to see something like that. Those kids need to grow up. Life is not the Disney channel. Life is tough, but if you’re a hot girl, acting like a slut is a good way to get ahead. After that Miley brought out a unicorn and stabbed it to death.

lets all do what teri hatcher does

By brendon May 11, 2010 @ 3:04 PM

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Teri Hatcher is a 45-year-old monster who has been single with no real boyfriend for 7 years, and who is so malnourished and dependent on botox that she she looks like a necrophiliac’s date. Needless to say, I bet she has lots of good advice on dating and looking young and sexy. She should start a website or something where she shares those tips with the rest of us.

Oh hey good news…

Teri Hatcher wants to empower women of all ages by sharing advice, laughter and ideas. To do so, she has helped to create GetHatched.com, a Web site that presents “A Chick’s Guide to Life,” to help women live the life they want to live.
The “Desperate Housewives” leading lady feels “empowered” by being a chick. “I love the expression of chick because some people I guess think that that’s young, but I think of it as being reborn,” she defined. “Being a chick is being cool and wise and smart…”

Hahaha, that’s a great point Teri! And she really does have some keen insights. After all she was designed to serve humans and is fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. Or is that C3PO. They’re both bony looking and their faces can’t move. It’s hard to tell which is which.