read this palm you gypsy bitch

By brendon February 19, 2010 @ 1:55 PM

Some Romanian woman was accused of abusing children and when visited by the police, she slapped one of them. I don’t speak Gypsy, but according to Patrice O’Neal, after that the cop inquired if she might perhaps read his fortune. Knowing what a rush she must have been in, he showed her his palm as quickly as possible. After that she looked sad, perhaps because she saw something scary in the future.

(source = opie and anthony and patrice o’neal)

robert pattinson in details

By brendon February 19, 2010 @ 1:48 PM

1robert_pattinson_details_cover

Here are finally the pictures from Details that made news last week when Robert Pattinson went public about the nightmarish hell he suffered through during the photo shoot, and explained that the scars are still with him.

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours…Thank God I was hungover.”

If this guy isn’t gay, he’s certainly putting on a convincing act. If he is he should just admit it. No one cares. Things are different now. It’s like the world has taken a wonderful pill, filled with a medicine called love.

the live tiger woods press conference (update!)

By brendon February 19, 2010 @ 11:43 AM




Ooohhh, just a few more minutes! I wonder what he’ll say? I bet it’s surprising!

UPDATE – This is the most important story in the world, so I assume everyone saw that he’s going back to sex rehab after this. That guy in Austin picked a bad day to crash a plane into the IRS. Who gives a shit if the government takes half our money. TIGER WOODS TIGER WOODS TIGER WOODS!!!

UPDATE – His coat is weird. It looks like he’s wearing a cape.

UPDATE – “As Elin pointed out to me…” Does she remind you when you haven’t taken your estrogen too. Fag.

UPDATE – Jesus Christ dude, get over yourself. He acts like we sent him to reignite the sun and he screwed it up. The whole world isn’t disappointed and let down.

UPDATE – ooo, the President Woods angle is so stately.

UPDATE – “Boooo, you suck! You’re not funny! Get off the stage!”

UPDATE – The 3 girls in the front row must be flattered to know that they were chosen because they’re frumpy and unthreatening. It would have been funnier to have a bunch of hot blonds and a fug chick in a Perkins waitress outfit.

UPDATE – I think Tiger thinks he’s Batman.

the oscars were almost enjoyable

By brendon February 19, 2010 @ 11:13 AM

bruno madrid photocall 180609

Steve Martin actually did a good job when he hosted the Oscars in 2001 and 2003, and although Alec Baldwin is a dirty god damn hippie, he’s a tremendous actor and entertaining guy. So together they should be fine when they co-host the Academy Awards on March 7th. But the new producers of this years show told NPR this morning that their first choice for a host was Sacha Baron Cohen.

But it was not to be. When they told the Academy, they “swatted it down,” Shankman said. “They thought it was too big of a wild card. They thought it was just too unpredictable.”

Yeah god forbid the Academy Awards be unpredictable. In other words entertaining. What did they really think he was gonna do, bring a pony on stage and slaughter it? Then chew on it’s bones and swim in it’s blood? And even if he did, the kids watching need to grow up someday. Oh stop crying. This is real life.

battle of the dorks

By brendon February 18, 2010 @ 6:54 PM

battle_of_the_dorks

Ben Affleck was almost todays big winner, because this morning in Santa Monica, Feathers Jones (NOTE – I don’t know their names) was threatening to look like even more of spaz while catching a football than Affleck did 14 months ago. Tuffy Jonas looks as gay as any guy chasing after other guys can possibly look with his pants still on, but Affleck still big times them.

Here, he keeps a sharp eye on the linebacker, who in this case is a girl in a suit. Just to make sure you understand which one I’m referring to, I mean the woman playing football in the mud while wearing high heels.

Although this effort proved unsuccessful, Ben took what he learned to the fourth quarter. There, like the mighty cobra stalking it’s pray, Ben lay in waiting. And then struck.

Attacking the defenses only weakness, Ben ran several feet down the field, and this black guy in the brown sweater pushed the ball over to him.

Two distinct paths now lay before Bens feet. One forged from gold and lined with flowers. The other cast in iron and mangled with thorns. Rising up like a phoenix from the ashes, Ben tippy toed over a 5 foot woman in a scarf, more or less caught the ball, and drank from the cup of victory.

heidi montag and her breasts are hard workers

By brendon February 18, 2010 @ 6:35 PM

SPL158477_003

Heidi Montag filmed some scenes for ‘the Hills’ this morning while having breakfast in Beverly Hills, and hopefully she ate something nutritious. With her new implants, she now weighs over 400 pounds. She’s gonna need lots of energy.

(source = splash news exclusives)

tiger woods is a weird guy

By brendon February 18, 2010 @ 4:02 PM

Jamie Grubbs

24 hours from now, Tiger Woods will have spoken to a select group of media and tried to explain his actions, including his infidelity. Good luck explaining Jamie Grubbs, who was seen outside her apparently not very good dentist in Beverly Hills today.

When I get married and have kids, I hope I’m not so desperate to get laid that I would have sex with almost anyone, even some toothless white trash slut. Because that’s how am I now. I’ll be disappointed if things haven’t picked up a little by then.

(source = inf daily)

elin will not be at the press conference

By brendon February 18, 2010 @ 1:37 PM

SPL158537_003

Pictures taken this morning show that Elin Nordegren has forgiven the free cars and clothes she gets because of Tiger Woods, but she hasn’t forgiven him yet, so she will not attend the press conference he’s holding tomorrow (11am, est) to address … whatever the fuck you would call the past 10 weeks.

A source tells Radar that Elin will not be there, as Tiger makes his first public statement about the scandal that has forever tarnished his image as golf’s golden boy.
Elin was snapped Thursday morning as she dropped her daughter Sam off at school near the family’s home in Windermere, a suburb of Orlando, Florida.
When a reporter asked if she would attend the event – she said nothing.
Woods will make a statement — expected to be 5 to 7 minutes in length — and will not take any questions during the tightly-controlled media event.

Elin needs to make up her damn mind. Either stop being all pissy and don’t spend any more of Tigers money or forgive him and spend all you want. Like you’re some prize, honey. Do you even speak English? I’ve really had it with this one.

(image source = splash news online)