“after he crashed into Police…”

By brendon July 20, 2009 @ 5:11 PM

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If you’re gonna drive drunk and you don’t want to be arrested, the most important thing to do of course is not run into the cops. That’s not a figure of speech by they way. I mean literally don’t crash into the cops.

Hey guess what that “Burn Notice” guy did…

Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan was arrested for a DUI on July 11 after he crashed into a Miami Beach Police Cruiser on July 11 around 11:50 pm. He refused a breath test.
“I really think I’m only borderline and not too drunk – the only mistake I made tonight was to drink Benadryl with three glasses of wine,” Donovan said on the way to the police station.
(Donovan told the arresting officer), “Sorry I didn’t see the red light or your car.”

I’m not technically a lawyer, but I don’t think the best way to explain away why you appeared drunk is by telling the cop how you got drunk. It would be like if your girlfriend thought you were cheating, and you told her, “The mistake I made was putting my penis inside that girls vagina, and then thrusting my hips back and forth. But ‘cheating?’ No. No absolutely not. You sound ridiculous right now.”

Get back in the water

By brendon July 20, 2009 @ 3:16 PM

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Lisa Rinna hit up the beach in Malibu this weekend, and when she was in the water, she pretty much looked fantastic. Then she stepped out of the water and everything went to total hell.  She’s like an old glove. They both have to stay oiled up or wet all the time or they disintegrate. She and her husband must have sex in the bathtub because otherwise it would be like bangin a sock filled with old oatmeal.

(9 more pics here. hq jump here. source = splash news online and pacific coast)

I have no idea – UPDATE

By brendon July 20, 2009 @ 1:56 PM

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I’ve gotten well over 200 emails asking about the tape some are optimistically claiming shows ESPN fox Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room. I can’t even begin to imagine how this was made (telepathy?), and I’m flattered people would think I know what Erin Andrews looks like naked, but the truth is we haven’t had sex as many times as you might think. I have no idea if it’s her or not. You can download it anywhere (links removed) but I’m sure as hell not putting it up. ESPN says it’s not her, so if you want to see a blurry blob who probably isn’t who you want it to be naked, by all means go for it.

LEGALLY TERRIFYING UPDATE – Wow. 9 minutes. That is easily a new record. The old record was like 45. So because her lawyers don’t want you to see that video – and holy christ I assure you, they really really don’t want you to see that video – here are some rare pics of Marissa Miller at work for SI, and then some scans from some magazine I’ve never heard of (hq jump here). And one full size pic from each, here and here, which, I promise you, you very much do want to open.

Now let’s just forget any of this ever happened, in a very real and legally binding sense.

“I won’t go back to Jessica.”

By brendon July 20, 2009 @ 1:09 PM

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It seems unlikely that anyone asked without stifling a smile, but according to today’s Sun, Nick Lachey has thought about the offer that doesn’t exist and ruled out a reunion with Jessica Simpson.  He confronted the rumor no one is spreading and spoke into his hair brush in front of the mirror:

“I think it’s fun storytelling, but there’s very little truth to any of it. I certainly have heard about her break-up and I wish her the best, as I’ve always done. Aside from that, there really is nothing to say … I haven’t talked to her in probably two years. I wish her happiness. That’s where it pretty much ends.”

Oh what the fuck ever dude.  2001 was a long time ago.  This jackass would be lucky to date Chris Crocker at this point.  Nicks agent probably has to fight it out to get him jobs over the Chocolate Rain guy and that chicken who plays tic-tac-toe.

Keep in mind how hot Jess was when they were together.  This is like a raccoon saying he likes the dumpster he’s in now, and he has no plans for going back to the sushi place where they just leave stuff on ice out back.

(22 more pics here. hq jump here)

Paula deserves a raise

By brendon July 20, 2009 @ 11:18 AM

It goes without saying that Paula Abdul never has any idea WTF she’s talking about. I’ve seen what people look like when they’re high. What they look like is exactly like this. Which is a real hurdle when your contract is up and your job is to offer lucid commentary and pointed advice. The LA Times says…

“Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on ‘American Idol,’ ” David Sonenberg, Abdul’s manager, told The Times when contacted about the judge’s contract negotiations.
With auditions for the ninth season due to start Aug. 6, Sonenberg says he doesn’t even have a proposal for a new contract.
“I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful,” he said of the contract holdup. “I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do.”

Paula wants a 300 percent raise because the “rude and disrespectful” company only paid her 2.5 million last year. Keep in mind all she does is confuse the people she’s supposed to be helping. It’s like she thinks she’s there to throw the contestants off track. Like it’s a trick to see how much they can overcome. She was asked once about her approach to judging:

Paula Abdul: “One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere – like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”

Michael was kicked in the nuts

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 6:46 PM

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The former gay lover of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist (every single word so far makes me uncomfortable) says Michael was sterile because Joe Jackson once kicked him in the nuts so hard it left permanent damage.  I spoke too soon.  Now every word so far makes me uncomfortable.  The Enquirer says…

“He told me Joe hit Michael in the groin area on a few occasions. The first time it happened was when Michael was a kid and Joe was beating him up. He wailed on him, accidentally hitting him in the testicles.
“When Michael got older, Joe did it again. But this time, he kicked him in the testicles – calling him a sissy who didn’t need his testicles anyway.
“Arnie told me that Michael said his testicles were forever deformed from that beating, and he believed that’s why he couldn’t have children of his own.”

So wait, Joe dressed him in sparkly hats and pants as a kid and took him to dance class, then kicked him in the nuts because he wasn’t manly enough?  I don’t mean to jump to conclusions but I think maybe Joe was sending mixed signals.

Afternoon Headlines

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 6:32 PM

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LINDSAY LOHANhere’s a picture of Lindsay knocking on Sam Ronsons door early this morning. She of course is locked out after yet another fight. Say what you will about Lindsay but she’s perceptive. Sams message got through loud and clear. She wanted Lindsay to knock on the door incessantly. People love that. It’s soothing. (pacific coast)

JANET JACKSON – has separated from her husband Jermaine Dupre. The Jackson family never did like him. When his brother died, he actually buried him. WTF is that all about? So long weirdo.  (source = us magazine)

HAYDEN PANETTIERE – went swimming with dolphins this week. I do that too. One time the Dolphin King told me, “You are a good and loyal friend, and you will always have a home here in our underwater kingdom.” True Story!  (hq jump here)

Eva Mendes is sort of attractive

By brendon July 17, 2009 @ 3:43 PM

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Eva Mendes is on vacation in Italy this week, and she looks even hotter now than she did when we made our sex tape. And she looked amazing in our sex tape.  When it came out, the Hollywood Reporter said, “Mendes is a stunner, breathtaking from start to finish … Brendon stumbles at first but displays noticeably increased confidence by the end … overall, a sexy romp that’s sure to delight and entertain. 4.5 stars”

(7 more pics here. hq jump here)