Avril Lavigne had to be half-carried to her car last night by a friend and then two friends because that miserable bitch was too drunk to walk. With any luck they then dumped her in some haunted mystery spot from which there's no escape, that bends our laws of reality. Where you might see a gorilla eating a shark, or the USS Cyclops just sitting there on dry land.
Lindsay made her first good decision in 6 years last night when she went to a salon and had her hair dyed back to it's hot ass natural color. Or at least close enough. Girls with dark red hair and big tits are the best. This look on her face also helped. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never gotten a blowjob from Lindsay Lohan, so either she’s not very good or it hasn't happened yet, but I bet that's exactly what she looks like when she’s done.
“Good Will Hunting” came out in 97, and from then until 04 Ben Affleck was in 25 movies. Since 04, he’s been in 6. For 7 years the dude was in anything on film, even like security cam footage from bank robberies and he led the Channel 5 Trouble Shooter Team in Denver for 6 months. So it was smart to bail for a while. Now he can do ensemble stuff like this and it looks good again, as opposed to stuff like “Daredevil”. I couldn't get an erection for 12 weeks after I saw that piece of shit.
Britney brought her "Circus" tour to Vancouver last night, but stopped the show for 45 minutes after just three songs because she thought she smelled marijuana. Radar Online says…
(She) left the stage dark and empty from about 8:30 p.m. until 9:05 p.m.; at about 8:45 p.m., a PA announcer told the crowd: "It’s become uncomfortable and unsafe for the performers, including Ms. Spears. The show will resume as soon as the air around the stage is clear. The performance will not proceed until the air clears."
She returned to finish her set, but not before imparting a few words of wisdom to those in attendance: "Thank you Vancouver. Drive safe, don't smoke weed and rock out with your cock out. Peace out mother fuckers!"
Ironically, Canada is pretty lax with their weed laws, so you would probably get in more trouble if you ran around with your cock out than you would if you got high. So Britney's advice would probably land you in jail, whereas if you do the exact opposite of her advice, the worst that will happen is you'll think "According to Jim" is just the funniest goddam thing you've ever seen.
Yesterday Ashlee Simpson was beaming with pride as she posted a new picture with her baby on Twitter. Ashlees husband Pete Wentz wasn’t in the picture with them, because the night before his band had a concert at the Palms in Vegas and then he got drunk with dozens of strippers.
"Everybody was going absolutely crazy," an eyewitness tells Star. "People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip 'n' Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and singing along to his band's own songs, grinding up against the dancers."
Ashlee was actually at that same Palms show to see Pete, but drove home to LA when it was over to be with the baby. On her Twitter, she wrote…
"I am beyond sad to leave my love … My heart is breaking as we drive home."
I like to think I would have done the honorable thing and gone home with Ashlee Simpson and the baby instead of getting jacked off by strippers. I also like to think I’ll be a rocket ship captain one day. Weeee, pretending is fun!
At first I thought Megan Fox was basking in her time with the paparazzi because it looked like an old lady passed her on the street, but then I saw a sign in the background and realized the pictures as I found them were simply in a backwards order. Point being, if you’re ever worried your life might be boring, just remember that I spent the last 10 minutes analyzing pictures to find fixed landmarks so I could measure how fast an old lady may or may not walk. There’s simply no chance you'll do anything sadder than that today.
Having an NFL cheerleader and contestant from “the Bachelor” on a show called “Dancing With The Stars” really pushes any rational definition of the term “stars”, but as of today Melissa Rycroft is definitely a star in my book. My book is entitled, Girls I'd Like To Fuck.
(source for images of melissa backstage with top hollywood funnyman david alan grier = splash)
Lindsay should snap for sure by the weekend, if what she tolda camera crew from X17 about her relationship with Samantha Ronson is any indication. To recap, Samantha broke up with Lindsay, hired five bodyguards to keep her away, changed the locks on her house and looked into a restringing order. Still too subtle, as it turns out.
"You make it seem like it's over — it's not. People take breaks … it's OK … it's normal … focus on themselves."
You never ever want to hear a crazy girl with nothing left to lose say “you make it seem like it's over it's not” after getting dumped. Sam is gonna snap awake next week and Lindsay will be standing over her bed in a wedding dress. “Oh Sam, I came just as soon as I figured it all out. You're so cute, you and your little secrets. But you don't have to worry anymore you silly goose, because the answer is 'yes'. I will marry you.”