you wont believe who this is about

By brendon September 24, 2009 @ 3:37 PM

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Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announced they were separating back on January 6, 2005, and some version of this “Jennifer Aniston is dangerously obsessed with Brad Pitt” story has come up twice a month ever since. She can either get over it and live a long happy life or just kill herself, I really don’t care which, but this has got to stop. I cannot do this any more. I wrote like 5 different introductions for this stupid story, and this was the best one. Page Six says…

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming “The Bounty” with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago. The source tells Page Six that when an assistant went to fetch Aniston, she was in tears, and said, “I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me.”
Aniston pulled herself together and managed to put on a smile when she eventually emerged from her trailer. The insider added, “While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile.”

To be fair, the scene was about the bounty hunter (Butler) capturing Anistons character but then pushing her aside to catch someone younger and way way hotter, so you can see why that would hit so close to home.


(7 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

their love is a lie

By brendon September 24, 2009 @ 2:16 PM

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Khloe Kardashian (seen here with her sisters Kourtney and Kim) is still set to marry LA Laker Lamar Odom this Sunday.  The date also marks the first anniversary of the day they met. First month, I should say. They met for the first time on August 27th. And you may find this hard to believe, but some people think the bullet-fast race to the alter may be a sham so Khloe can get publicity. Fox News says…

(At a benefit Tuesday night) Khloe was not wearing an engagement ring and the two refused to give any interviews, even about non-wedding related material.
“What are the two waiting for?” one insider wondered. “If they are so in love, why not share?”
But it wasn’t only partygoers that were left questioning the legitimacy of the romance, even their fellow celebrities have their doubts.
Singer Mya was overheard telling a pal that she is sure the engagement is “fake” and is nothing more than “publicity stunt” so Khloe can get some attention, since her two sisters seem to be taking it all.

Well of course it’s a stunt. It’s one thing to get drunk in Vegas and marry someone you met a month ago, but no one actually plans out a wedding to someone they’ve known for 2 weeks, and then marries them 2 weeks after that. Does she need citizenship or something? If she’s worried we’ll send her back to the planet where Wookies come from, she can relax. I’m not sure how we’d even get her there.

mackenzie phips is lying. maybe.

By brendon September 24, 2009 @ 9:48 AM

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Michelle Philips, the ex-wife of John Philips, mother of Chyna Philips and step-mom to Mackenzie Philips, says Mackenzie is lying when she claims to have had a decade-long sexual affair with her dad. And then she tacks on a few digs about all the drugs just for good measure. Shit just got real. The Hollywood Reporter says…

“John was a bad parent, and a drug addict. But [expletive deleted] his daughter? If she thinks it’s true, why isn’t she with a good psychiatrist on a couch? I think it’s unconscionable that Oprah would let her do her show. I have every reason to believe it’s untrue. Oprah should be more judicious about who she has on her show.”
“Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed.”
“Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.”

Mackenzie hasn’t responded to this yet, but it’s probably safe to assume she won’t care. You’re gonna have a tough time trying to insult someone who just told the world she had sex with own dad for ten years.

The full Megan Fox kissing scene

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 6:02 PM

Some of the experts are saying that Megan Fox is already done and as proof they point out that ‘Jennifers Body’ didn’t make any money. Keep in mind however that the experts never have any idea WTF they’re talking about.

‘Jennifers Body’ didn’t make any money because it sucked, and it sucked because it was written by Diablo Cody. Even with that anchor around it’s neck, ‘Body‘ made 6.9 million on it’s opening weekend. Compare that to ‘Whiteout’, starring Kate Beckinsale. That made 4.9 million. ‘Love Happens’, starring Jennifer Aniston, opened with 8 million. Before that, Aniston starred in ‘Management’. It opened on May 15th, and as of yesterday, it’s made a total of 934,658 dollars.  You could have been collecting cans since May 15th and made more than that.

Point being: Look. At. Her. Just look at Megan in this bootleg version of her girl kissing scene from ‘Jennifers Body’.  You can find better dialogue in a mentos commercial, and your local weatherman has better special effects, but Megan overcomes it all, she rises up like a Phoenix from the ashes, and takes us on a journey of erotic delights.

julia roberts really sucks

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 4:54 PM

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Julia Roberts is in India filming something I’ll never see called ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, and when not pissing off locals by shutting down their Hindu temple so the movie can use it as a prop (here), she’s pissing off visitors by booking every single room in the famous Pataudi Palace hotel (here). But it’s not because she’s some uppity bitch who doesn’t want Indian people to get anywhere near her. Oh wait never mind. It’s totally that.

Around 350 security staff, including police, more than 100 bouncers and nearly 40 gunmen are guarding the star.
Bulletproof cars are used to take the star to and from the set and helicopters patrol the skies overhead.

Jesus Julia, don’t flatter yourself. You act like some elite team of assassins is after you. No one cares about you any more. At best, I’ve thought about Julia Roberts 10 times in the last 5 years. And it’s only that many because I’m the father of two of her kids.

they had sex for 10 years

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 2:51 PM

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Yikes. The article this morning on People only talked about the first time Mackenzie Philips had sex with her dad. So did they have sex just that one night? Did the drugs fog their minds so completely they lost all sense of who they were and what they were doing?

Um, no. No not exactly.

…in the new issue of Us Weekly, her half-sister Chynna Phillips (says Mackenzie called her one day), “And she went on to tell me that she had had an incestuous relationship with our dad for about 10 years.”

Oh and there’s more…

(Mackenzie) and her father did drugs together. She even tells Oprah Winfrey in an interview Wednesday, “My father shot me up for the first time.”
Chynna confirms to Us Weekly, “They were both doing drugs together.
“After long nights of heroin use, she’s claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her,” Chynna tells Us Weekly. “Was he actually raping her? I don’t know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and that it went on for 10 years? Yes.”

Heroin sounds like quite the aphrodisiac. No girl has ever put up with me for more than 3 years. This dude got his own daughter to blow him for 10. I’m gonna throw needles full of it at Megan Fox starting today. It’ll be romantic, I’ll be like Cupid. Except instead of shooting her in the heart with an arrow of love, I’ll shoot her in the veins with morphine soaked in charcoal and hydrochloric acid. Other than that, Cupid.

ali larter is in good shape

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 11:03 AM

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‘Heroes’ star Ali Larter took a jog around West Hollywood yesterday, and why not? The up side to being this gender-confusingly flat chested is that she can do stuff like run. The down side is that she’ll never know the pleasure of my love.

On a somewhat related note, Peets coffee is god damn terrible. I’d rather go to Starbucks and then have a homeless guy stir my drink with his dick than get coffee from Peets.

“I slept with my own father.”

By brendon September 23, 2009 @ 9:45 AM

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To set the table here, Mackenzie Phillips is the daughter of John Phillips, the founder and lead singer of ‘The Mamas & the Papas’. He’s also the father of actress Bijou Phillips and singer Chynna Phillips. Mackenzie was a big deal in the 70s when she starred on the CBS sitcom ‘One Day At A Time’. Valerie Bertinelli played her sister, and Pat Harrington played ‘Schneider’, the gruff building superintendent with a heart of gold.

Now to the point: Mackenzie will be on Oprah today (the show, not the fattie) to promote her new book, and according to People magazine, she reveals that she had sex with her own father. Oh I know right. What a slut!  It takes some nerve to go on TV and brag about raping her own dad.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Phillips, who was 19 and a heavy drug user at the time. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad’s bed.”
“My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.”
“Had this happened before? I didn’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

OK so apparently he was the one who raped her. The headline didn’t make that very clear. I assumed she was the predator because that’s how girls are with me. I am like sugar to them.  They’re constantly pawing at me and asking to rub my genitals. In fact before I go to a party or a bar or somewhere like that, I have to soak my penis in that bitter apple puppy spray stuff so girls won’t keep licking it and putting it in their mouth.