Dakota Fanning looks different

By brendon January 18, 2012 @ 2:20 PM

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Dakota Fanning was a very cute little kid, but she’s 18 these days, and now she’s… um… someone who was a very cute little kid. Not that she’s ugly or anything. Um. Actually let’s just forget this whole thing, unless there’s some way to say that she was better looking when she was 10 without the Fed’s shutting the website down.

(image source of dakota in beverly hills yesterday = inf)

Mark Wahlberg would have stopped 9/11

By brendon January 18, 2012 @ 12:48 PM

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Pretend movie tough-guy/real-life jackass Mark Wahlberg has an interview in the new issue of Men’s Fitness, and let’s just get right to it:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:
?“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So, by extension, according to Mark Wahlberg, all the people who were on those planes but did not prevent them from crashing were pussies. Who didn’t love their kids as much as he does. And the people who fought back on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania were lumbering doofuses and crashed anyway.

Clearly that’s not how Mark Wahlberg, who starred in ‘the Italian Job’, would have done it. He would have defeated the terrorists with his movie punches, then landed the plane, on time, and killed the Arab-looking baggage guys just in case. That sure would have been exciting to see! If it’s not too much trouble maybe Wahlberg could dig up some of the lazy assholes who died that day and act it out for me.

George Lucas is retiring because he sucks

By brendon January 18, 2012 @ 11:46 AM

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George Lucas has had 37 producer credits over the past 20 years, and since pure greed beat up and drowned whatever artistic integrity he may have once had, 35 of them were about either Indiana Jones or Star Wars.

The rare exception is ‘Red Tails’, which opens Friday, and he tells the NY Times that “it will be his final blockbuster.” Which not only seems presumptuous, but is also not true.

“I’m retiring,” Lucas said. “I’m moving away from the business, from the company, from all this kind of stuff.”
Lucas has decided to devote the rest of his life to what cineastes in the 1970s used to call personal films. They’ll be small in scope, esoteric in subject and screened mostly in art houses.

No not really. Actually next he’ll do the exact opposite; produce and write the story for another ‘Indiana Jones’ sequel. But why not let someone else do that, perhaps someone who understands story structure, and who isn’t a complete shithead with horrible ideas. Is it just that Lucas can’t take a hint?

Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what is is.

Lucas seized control of his movies from the studios only to discover that the fanboys could still give him script notes. “Why would I make any more,” Lucas says of the “Star Wars” movies, “when everybody yells at you all the time and says what a terrible person you are?”

At first I thought that was sad, but then I remembered that Lucas had a scene where Jar Jar Binks stepped in shit, and then hopped around saying, “uuba uuba juuba” for two minutes. Now I think it’s sad that those people weren’t throwing broken bottles at him instead of simply yelling.

Kelly Brook is very wise

By brendon January 17, 2012 @ 9:00 PM

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One advantage Kelly Brooks lingerie has over other brands of lingerie is that it’s modeled by Kelly Brook. That sly boots. I also like that she’s wearing high heels, because it makes me think that if she tried to run away I could catch her.

(image source = splash)

Katy Perry is a Sims character now

By brendon January 17, 2012 @ 6:17 PM

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Imagine if you could isolate everything bad about life with Katy Perry (incessant demands, god-awful music, dancing) and then combine that with never ever fucking her, or even staring at her tits. That would suck right?

Yeah that’s what I thought too. But she’s a new character in ‘The Sims 3: Showtime’ anyway.

I will predict however that at least Russell Brand will buy a copy, and then that “Katy Perry” will have a little “accident.”

Lindsay Lohan is totally in a real movie this time

By brendon January 17, 2012 @ 4:57 PM

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Lindsay Lohan told TMZ… pardon me, a “source” told TMZ, that Lindsay Lohan has so impressed casting directors around town with her new level of maturity and professionalism, than they’re practically fighting each other to get her in their new movies.

But Lindsay has now chosen the vehicle for her big comeback, and she’s decided on a scandalous Hollywood bio-pic, where she’ll be playing iconic legend Elizabeth Taylor, no less!

On the Lifetime Network!

Unless the producers can get Megan Fox, which would be their preference.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversations with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Lifetime’s Liz and Dick, told E! News exclusively.
“It’s a very serious selection,” Thompson continued. “It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty.”

Indeed it is. That’s why the last two actors to play her were none other than Sherilyn Fenn and Liliana Pinto. Oh yes, my friends. Lindsay is big time now.

The only question left is; how will they work it so Lindsay can still film her important roles in the Spiderman and Superman reboots, and to play Linda Lovelace and Kim Gotti. Because Lindsay said she was doing those too. I hope this new movie won’t interfere. The poor dear really has a full plate.

Opie and Anthony offer Kris Jenner 250K for Khloe proof

By brendon January 17, 2012 @ 3:25 PM

Despite the fact that we can look right at them, Kris Jenner still insists that her daughters Kim Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), Kourtney Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), and Khloe Kardashian (who looks like Bigfoot) all have the same father. It’s actually kind of insulting. So today Opie and Anthony offered Kris $250,000 to prove it. All she has to do is arrange the DNA tests that prove Robert Kardashian was Khloes father. And since she’s of course telling the truth, this should be easy money for Jenner.

Opie even offered to give the money directly to a charity if thats what Kris wants, so some good can come out of this. Granted in this case the charity she would chose would be “the Prada store”, to benefit their “handbags for old ladies” program, but it’s the thought that counts.

Todd Glass has come out of the closet

By brendon January 17, 2012 @ 2:56 PM

Stand-up comedian Todd Glass, who you may know from ‘Tosh.0′ or, um… other episodes of ‘Tosh.0′, announced that he’s gay yesterday while a guest on Marc Marons podcast. When asked what prompted him to come out now, Glass said he could no longer sit back and do nothing about the growing number of suicides committed by gay youths.

Wait, what?

“I cannot listen to stories about kids killing themselves any longer without thinking [to myself], ‘When are you going to have a little blood on your shirt for not being honest about who you are?’” said Glass.

I’m sure the gay community appreciates the effort, but I’m guessing they’d also have preferred someone more famous. If I were a young gay kid, having Todd Glass want to fuck me would only drive me to suicide faster.