this is why everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 10:22 PM


Insufferable elitist cunt Gwyneth Paltrow has a new interview with Elle Decor magazine and they asked her to list a few things that “she can’t live without”. And since she was born to privilege and deserves to surround herself with nothing but the finest in life, she of course lept at the chance to do some more thinly veiled bragging.

1. DeGournay hand painted wallpaper – “I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.”

Seriously, the first fucking thing on the list of things she can’t live without is hand painted wallpaper. Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock would have said, “my wedding photo” or “a drawing from my son”. Gwyneth Paltrow says, “hand painted wallpaper.” It’s hard to find prices for most of her stuff but this apparently starts at $650 per panel and the average cost is thought to be $12,000 per room. And we both know she didn’t get anything average. Who the fuck even knew they made hand painted wallpaper? It’s like there’s some secret world out there filled with secret stores. What do people like this do for things like toilet paper? Is there a snooty version of that too? Does someone make a daily chinchilla fur for each of her bathrooms and cut it into squares? Christ I’m scared to even look into it.

2. Seasonal flowers – “I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.”

God this is so revealing. She wants the very best but doesn’t want it to look like any effort was involved. Expensive things are just lying around. “It’s just money and there’s plenty of that so who cares.” We’re on number 2 and this is already the least relatable list anyone has ever made about anything.

3. Darren Almond’s photography – “His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

Christies has sold a few of his pictures, ranging from $3,515 to $16,250. Because it’s not like anyone can just go take a fucking picture. And what is she supposed to do, hang pictures of her kids, like some pedophile?

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns – “I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.”

Her son is gonna be so gay.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub – “It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

So yes, it’s not even her main bathtub. I couldn’t find a price for hers, but this one (number 7) from the same company cost $17,300 (updatea quote from the Lupi showroom in Miami, one of only 2 in the US, says the tub cost $9,731). Why, do you just have a tub from Home Depot? And do you fill it with tap water as if you were washing a pig or do you have a crystal reservoir filled with Evian? Oh. Oh I see. How quaint.

6. Religion bookshelf – “Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

Oohh, a shelf that holds things at the same level! How regal! My shelves are all at a 45 degree angle because I wasn’t sophisticated enough to buy one that was flat. (please go look at this bookshelf, by the way. She says “which is how I like to think about religion” as if she has some new take on what the artist was trying to say, when it reality, that’s the entire fucking point of the piece. Her keen observation comes because she understood the very obvious message, yet she’s practically taking credit for the whole thing).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics – “These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

So she’ll read, but only in the most pretentious way possible. And I love how she tacks on the part about sore muscles, as if she was on an assembly line all day.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset – “A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

Naturally, hers is bright red. “Look at me commoners, here I am! Now is your chance to bask in my glow! You’re welcome!”

Olivia Wilde is trying to send a message

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 4:38 PM


‘Cowboys and Aliens’ is having it’s London premier today, and Olivia Wilde walked the red carpet in a dress that has a cool premise but once you see the whole thing you realize it’s dull and boring and you wonder why anyone ever wasted the time to make it.

Hint hint, people of London. It’s not like she can’t just come right out and say the movie sucks.

(image source = getty and bauer griffin)

Alessandra Ambrosio is in a bikini, day 2

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 4:04 PM


Alessandra Ambrosio spent another day on the beach in Maui, and this time she went paddle boarding. And of course the ocean was smooth as glass the entire time, because that’s how life works when you’re this hot. Also some seals brought her a chest filled with pirate gold and when she was done a big shark pulled her into shore and she gave it a kiss right on his nose and he blushed.

(image source = splash and wenn)

Lindsay Lohan blah blah blah see through

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 2:39 PM


After the story broke yesterday about a video showing Lindsay Lohan buying not drugs, she went to Mr. Chow in a see thru shirt with no bra, and even though showing her tits usually cheers her up, she was still haunted by the drug thing. So of course she went on her twitter to decry it.

“X17 is nuts! their false stories are absurd and gross…”

I didn’t edit that by the way. She ended it with an elipsis. That was 23 hours ago. Someone should go check on her because she’s probably been sitting at her keyboard this whole time, with a blinking cursor on twitter, staring at the ceiling with her mouth open and trying to finish her thought.

(image source = pacific coast)

its Gisele Bundchen and her naked son

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 1:32 PM


While her husband Tom Brady gets ready for his first preseason game tonight vs Jacksonville, Gisele Bundchen is on a beach in Costa Rica with their two-year-old son Ben. Who was running around naked. “I fackin knew it,” said every single Patriots fan when they saw the pictures. “I bet Derek Jeetah and A-Rawds kid aint got a hog like that. Them fackin poofs don’t even have no kids. Makes ya waander, right?”

(image source = fame)

LeAnn Rimes is a bikini model now

By brendon August 10, 2011 @ 6:51 PM


Since all LeAnn Rimes does these days is tweet pictures of herself in bikinis, Micoh swimwear decided they needed to get in on this action, so now they have her and her xylophoney breast plate on their website. And, yes, I know what every girl out there is thinking; “Oh, sure, this bikini looks great on a professional model, but how will it look on me?”

this is not a video of Lindsay buying drugs

By brendon August 10, 2011 @ 5:32 PM


X17 taped Lindsay Lohan on the street outside a bar in Venice Beach yesterday, and they say she was having a conversation (about drugs), inspecting something (drugs) in a ziploc bag, then handing (drug) money to the (drug dealer) guy in exchange for another ziploc bag (filled with drugs).

Needless to say her publsisit is dumbstruck if anyone somehow got the impression that maybe the drug addict might have been buying drugs, and he tells Radar

“…the plastic bag did indeed contain various rocks and crystals — but they were  all of the legal variety – sea jasper, a meteor, rose quartz and quartz, all purchased by her pal from a store down the street.”

Ahh, yes. Yes of course. She was buying sea jasper and a meteor. From this guy. The one with tats on his neck. He’s a sea jasper merchant. It’s his passion. He buys and sells sea jasper. And that’s why she brought her friend here to inspect the merchandise. He’s probably a geologist. An expert on quartz and meteors. In fact, now that I look closely, I believe that’s Buzz Aldrin.

Erin Heatherton is a good model

By brendon August 10, 2011 @ 4:02 PM


22-year-old Victorias Secret Angel Erin Heatherton is in St. Barths today to model bikinis for their new catalog. If this is any indication, it’s bound to have lots of new ideas for the next time you want to dress up a pencil and bring it to the beach.

(image source = fame)