1957 – 2008

By brendon August 10, 2008 @ 7:50 AM

I didn’t even turn my computer on yesterday because of the Olympics, but now that I do I see Bernie Mac has died of pneumonia at age 50.  God does that suck.  He was just one of those guys who, because of his mannerisms and cadence, everything he said was 10 times funnier than it really was or should have been.  How does this even happen for someone that young?  Do we live in the year 1580?  It's like saying he died of a hex or Viking attack.  Anyway, as I'm sure everyone already knew about this, here are some nice quotes from people who knew him that you maybe haven’t seen:

Don Cheadle – "This is a very sad day for many of us who knew and loved Bernie. He brought so much joy to so many. He will be missed but heaven just got funnier."

Samuel L Jackson – "I feel blessed to have shared years of friendship with Bernie Mac.  My sincere prayer is that his family will be comforted by the warmth of love from all of us who knew and respected this man."

George Clooney – "The world just got a little less funny. He will be dearly missed.'

Brad Pitt: "I lament the loss of a ferociously funny and hardcore family man. My thoughts are with (Mac's wife) Rhonda and their family. Bernie Mac, you are missed."

Carl Reiner – “I’m in utter shock.  He was just so alive. I can't believe he's gone."



LINDSAY FORGOT SOMETHING

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 11:15 AM

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, but Lindsay Lohan was walking around LA yesterday in a sheer black shirt and no bra.  I don’t know why.  It really doesn’t seem that hard to put on a bra. I'm not an expert when it comes to these things, but it looks like something I could do.

IS EVA LONGORIA PREGNANT?

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 10:01 AM

These pictures taken yesterday on the set of "Desperate Housewives" have many, like the Daily Mail for example, wondering if Eva Longoria might be pregnant.  I bet she is.  What a whore.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO HELP

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 6:58 AM

After weeks of sneaking around and denials and even reports he was attempting to reconcile with his wife, Balthazar Getty and Sienna Miller were photographed together yesterday on a shopping trip in Malibu (story from the Daily Mail here, full size picture here). She must be really flattered that he feels the need to hide her.  That’s what pedophiles do too.  “This will be our little secret.”  So is he a pedophile?  Uh, sure why not.

THIS IS HARD TO BELIEVE

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 6:37 AM

A highly suspicious blog went up on blogspot yesterday, allegedly written by Madonna’s brother so that he could tell a few stories he wasn’t legally allowed to in his new book about life with his famous sister.  There are only three posts, but the gold medal winning story is about how she prepped her voice for a recording session one time.  The has-to-be-fake blog says…

    I'm at Madonna’s apartment in New York City where she is getting ready to film a scene for a new movie called Visionquest. She has been rehearsing a song called "Warning Signs" and sounds absolutely horrible. She then comes up with her usual solution for improving her voice and proceeds to call a guy named Johnny, a handsome rugged looking Puerto Rican guy who used to live at her former apartment building.
    “Chris, you have to go now,” she exclaims. I tell her that I can just stay in the other room, but she argues. Before she can say anything else, Johnny arrives at the door. His gives me a strange look, but it’s not a threatening one. “He’s leaving now,” Madonna says and gives me a look that reads, “Get out of her or else!”
    Johnny gives me that enticing look again and answers, “Actually, he could stay.” He smiles at both Madonna and I, who are at first fascinated at the thought of a threesome until the fact that we are brother and sister hits us. When Madonna informs Johnny that I’m her brother, he answers, “You guys don’t have to touch each other.” Johnny then proceeds to take off his pants and then his underwear. After our eyes glue to Johnny’s huge snake, Madonna and I look at each other in amazement. I immediately rush over to it as my mouth waters.
    “Sorry,” Madonna says and pushes me away. She then gulps Johnny’s snake like it’s some type of watermelon. Johnny sits down on a chair and I feel a little bit left out until he informs me to take off my clothes. I feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of my sister, but Madonna is so preoccupied that she barely notices.
    “Come here!” Johnny says and I walk towards him. Johnny then proceeds to suck my snake like it’s a watermelon and both of us are moaning in harmony. At least it’s more harmonious than Madonna’s singing throughout the day. Suddenly, Johnny’s moans become louder until I can hear Madonna make gulping noises. Johnny doesn’t swallow, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. Right after Johnny leaves, Madonna proceeds to sing and she sounds wonderful. Her performance of “Warning Signs” is a knockout that evening, even though they end up cutting the scene from the film.

"She gulped Johnnys snake like it was a watermelon"?  What the hell does that even mean?  For all you beginners out there, if you’re trying to explain to a girl how to give oral, it might not be the best idea in the world to compare your penis to something she would normally bite and then chew.  

(and yes madonna is wearing a see-thru shirt with no bra in that picture)



MILEY IS IN FOR A SHOCK

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 6:23 AM

The New York Daily News says today that Miley Cyrus is finally answering questions about her relationship with Nick Jonas.  My heart is in my throat with anticipation.  Ohhh, what will she say?!??!  Lets look!

"We became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met," the "Hannah Montana" star said in a very revealing interview with Seventeen magazine.
"He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, 'I think you're beautiful and I really like you.' And I was like, 'Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.'"
"Nick and I loved each other," Cyrus said. "We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn't fun."
"Maybe he'll be my best friend for the rest of my life or maybe I'll end up marrying Nick Jonas," she said.

I love when teenagers make these intense proclamations.  Is Miley referring to some past life, because in this one, she was still a little kid two years ago.  Yeah, I bet you two will get married.  That’s what it is.  The most amazing man in the world just happened to be the first person that ever asked you out.  What a coincidence!

I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 9

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 5:56 AM

Yesterday while running some errands in London, Lily Allen and her hilariously oversized shirt got out of a car and flashed one of her breasts.  Then later, she did it again, but this time flashing the other one.  As seen here.  I feel like we're dating at this point.

JOSS STONE IS A BAD ASS

By brendon August 07, 2008 @ 2:39 PM

A London paper says today that Joss Stone headbutted her brother at a family baptism yesterday.  Oh that’s right.  The Mirror UK says…

The diva, 21, was to be godmother to half-brother Daniel Skillin's year-old son Louis but incensed her family by arriving 30 minutes late.
She then refused to properly read out the church order of service – and as elderly relatives confronted her she branded them "old biddies".
When ex-heroin addict and jailbird Daniel, 29, later quizzed her, she turned violent. One guest revealed: "She was absolutely furious and they had a full-blown argument. They were screaming at each other and the next thing, Joss headbutted him.

Let this be a warning to religious people everywhere: if Joss Stone wants to read stuff out of order, I would let her do it.  Just let her do it.  It's not worth getting killed over.