Maybe Brody Jenner doesn’t have to throw his cape over every puddle between Nicole Richie and her car, but I really don't think it's too much to ask that he at least acknowledge that his new girlfriend is about to roll into the street after stumbling down the brick stairs behind him. But, whatever the proper response may be, one thing we can all agree on is that my ass looks fantastic in those jeans I bought yesterday.
Christina Ricci and Adam Goldberg were seen leaving Mr. Chows in Beverly Hills Monday night, fueling talk that they are back together after breaking up 9 months ago. At the time, his rumored drug habit was said to be the cause for their split, but who could blame her for running back to this handsome devil. When asked for a comment, Goldberg swung around on his tire and said "ooo-ooo-ahh-ahh!" But the real question is, does Christina Ricci even have pores? She looks fantastic. Cigarettes must be packed with vitamins.
Jessica Simpson has been put on "vocal rest" after losing her voice. Simpson cancelled several appearances to promote her new album this week, including a gig on David Letterman, after she developed a bruise on her vocal cord. A source says:
"She has indeed lost her voice. She's been ordered to rest. She can talk, she can croak out a few sentences. She sounds a little off, but, you know, she can't sing."
None of which explains why she held up a sign at her record release party yesterday. Those people are just there to take your picture hun, it's not a deposition. God this chick is dumb. She's so hot, but so dumb. I'm so conflicted. My grandmother thinks it's why I can't get an erection.
Paris Hiltons debut CD is being seen as a failure after its first week on the charts. "Paris" sold only 75,000 copies in the United States, barely ranking in the Billboard Hot 100 and a far cry from the chart topping Christina Aguilera, who sold 320,000 copies of her album last week. This week , "Paris" is projected to sell just 30,000 copies. Page Six says:
"The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live." The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen."
God, this is so satisfying. The only way I would ever listen to a Paris Hilton song is if I was poisoned and the ingredients to the antidote were hidden in her lyrics.
Whether Charlize Theron has ever looked this hot before is really up to you and your penis, but I'm pretty sure she hasn't. She was pretty doughy just a few months ago, but now I'm all set to award her the title of Best Ass in Hollywood. Winning the Best Ass award is a complicated and technical process with incredibly strict regulations of governing procedure. I don't happen to know what any of those regulations are because I made the title up just now, but it mostly involves bending over and occasionally having your suit turn into a thong.
Some people would say its romantic that Christina Aguilera would marry someone like Jordan Bratman, but those people are wrong and need to be punched in the balls. If life were a summer camp movie, Jordan Bratman would be the head counselor at the snobby rich camp on the extra fancy side of the lake, and I’d be the wise cracking party animal who, despite my gruff exterior, really does cares about the kids. Then I sneak in and steal away his girl after I prove he never saw her as an equal, only as an object. Rated Pg-13.
After taping a performance for the Ellen Degeneres show yesterday afternoon, Justin Timberlake spent nearly two hours visiting sick and injured children at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. A source tells the Daily News:
"It was a surprise visit, and the kids were, like, screaming. He went all over the hospital, floor to floor. He does this kind of thing all the time."
Timberlakes gf Cameron Diaz wasn't with him, which is probably for the best, since the last thing little kids in ICU need to see is a pale bony monster lurching through the halls. I'm not technically a doctor, but 8 year olds pulling out their IV's and crawling under their bed, saying the rosary in a pool of urine will probably do anything but help.
I dont know what Shiseido is, but I assume it has something to do with masturbating.
