paris hilton + a bikini = zzzzzz

By brendon April 26, 2010 @ 9:27 AM

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It’s been a long time since Paris Hilton pictures were a subject on Tyler, and they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, soo…

Okay apparently it hasn’t been long enough yet because I still hate her. Even in a bikini in Vegas this weekend at the Hard Rock pool. God she’s ugly. It’s disgusting. She’s all flat, sharp angles, like a sculpture that no one bothered to finish. And why would they? Look at it. What’s the point? She’s got that big goofy nose, and her head looks like a block of wood that’s way too big for the rest of her body, which is just a bunch of sticks. To be honest she sort of looks like Pinocchio when he was still a marionette. Oh I know. I’m gettin all turned on too.

jwoww makes laundry fun

By brendon April 26, 2010 @ 8:45 AM

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Kim Kardashian wasn’t the only set of luscious titties in the news this weekend, because Jwoww of ‘Jersey Shore’ did some laundry and went to the beach. Oh I know. My heart was in my throat, on account of all the excitement. She’s oddly sexy. Mostly because I assume she’s a complete slut who says yes to every request. And she has huge jugs. I wouldn’t mind inserting my penis into her vagina, if you catch my drift. And then thrusting it back and forth (wink, wink).

(image source = splash news online)

Kim Kardashians first husband beat her up. A lot.

By brendon April 26, 2010 @ 7:57 AM

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Some people say kids are our most precious resource, but those people are God damn liars. You can’t go 10 feet without seeing some punk ass kid. How precious could they really be? Our real most precious resource is hot sluts with huge breasts. That’s why Kim Kardashian is a perfect little angel, and that’s why it’s extra enraging to hear that her pussy ex-husband would, ahem, “punch her in the face, slam her against walls and throw her across the room.’

KIM KARDASHIAN suffered brutal beatings at the hands of her ex-husband DAMON THOMAS, according to newly-published court documents.
Kim eloped to Las Vegas, Nevada, and married music producer Damon in January 2000 when she was just 19.
But the marriage was ill-fated, ending three years later after Kim was allegedly held prisoner.
America’s Star magazine have now obtained the 2003 court documents in which Kim claims Damon would punch her in the face, slam her against walls and throw her across the room.

And the Daily Mail adds this charming gem…

He allegedly showed naked pictures of one of Kim’s sisters to her father, branding the siblings ‘whores’, and constantly wanted to know where Kim was.

I heard one time that Kim has 34DD’s. In other words, I believe her story. She’s telling the truth, there’s no doubt about it. That dude did it.

Vigilante justice gets a bad rap but it shouldn’t. Here’s an example: I’ll give 1000 dollars to every person who sends in a video of themselves punching Damon Thomas in the face. Not the first person. Every person. He’s a real tough guy who enjoys fighting so I bet he won’t even mind. We should share the gift he gave to Kim. When you never know if a fist might suddenly smash you in the face, life is more exciting!

Offline

By brendon April 23, 2010 @ 4:56 PM
horked

horked

I’m offline today do to technical difficulties, sorry everyone we’ll update asap.

lindsay stole a $35,000 rolex

By brendon April 23, 2010 @ 10:23 AM

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Normally, when a bunch of different people with no relation to each other all accuse the same person of the same thing, it means those people all met in a secret location and decided to make up a bunch of crazy stories. The person being accused is totally innocent, but those people all tell lies about her anyway. For no reason. They’re just really mean.

Anyway, lets get the page started for Friday. Oh look. Here’s a story about Lindsay Lohan stealing a $35,000 rolex.

We’re told the watch belongs to one of Lindsay’s “friends,” who accidentally left it at Lindsay’s house earlier this year — and never got it back.
But sources tell us that cops have photographic evidence which could prove Lindsay knows exactly where the Rolex went.  We’re told cops rolled over to Lohan’s pad Wednesday to question the actress about the Rolex — but Lindsay denied any involvement in the theft.
So far, no arrests have been made in the case — but it’s another major issue for Lohan … who seems to be in a downward spiral.

If you added up just a few of the things Lindsay has taken without paying for or outright stolen (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) it comes to around $100,000. And that list is nowhere near complete. I think she might be the devil. At this point it wouldn’t surprise me if she turned out to be the Zodiac Killer too.

thursday night headlines

By brendon April 22, 2010 @ 9:40 PM

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MATT AND TREY - say Comedy Central removed a speech about “intimidation and fear” from last nights episode after some dim witted muslims threatened to kill them. The group says South Park insulted their prophet by depicting him in a bear costume. To make matters worse, now a bear group is threatening to eat Matt and Trey for depicting one of them as one of those dirty islam idiots. (yahoo)

SANDRA BULLOCK - reportedly would have stayed with Jesse James if his cheating had not gone public and had been dealt with privately. Or also had he not banged tons of whores. That would have helped out too. (us.com)

DINA LOHAN - says Michael Lohan is the real problem in this whole Lindsay and Ali incident. She says Michael is crazy, and apparently Lindsay and Ali are doing great. Now I’d like you to open the envelope I gave you earlier today. You’ll see it says exactly that, predicted hours before Dina said anything. I must be some kind of gifted psychic. (radar)

PEOPLE WHO READ TYLER - run a website about legalizing weed and they want to be on ‘Attack of the Show’ to talk about it. So go over here because I guess that helps in some way. If you do it you get to click some buttons. If you don’t, you’ll miss out on all that hot clicking action! (htgb)

ZAHIA DEHAR - is that teenage prostitute in France who slept with a bunch of soccer players. And who turned 18 less than 2 months ago. That’s her below when she was 17. And perhaps 16. She would travel the world, making upwards of 20 grand a month. In a related story, one time when I was 16, I found a dollar and used it to buy a soft taco. I’m a winner! (mirror)

kim kardashian is an angel

By brendon April 22, 2010 @ 5:07 PM

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I used to think Kim Kardashian (seen here today in Australia) was ugly but then she lost about 20 pounds without affecting her huge huge breasts, and know I realize she’s beautiful and I love her very very much. Will there ever be a day when I see a picture of her awesome tits without instantly getting a near painful erection? I hope not, because it will mean I’ve been dead for about a week.

breaking news: brand new lindsay lohan idiocy

By brendon April 22, 2010 @ 4:15 PM

Lindsay Lohan At The Coachella Music Festival Day 3

Lindsay Lohan is a drug addicted fuckup who has failed every possible way for about 5 years now. Ali Lohan is only 16 years old, so she hasn’t done that yet, but she is out with Lindsay until sunrise a few times a week. So do the math.

And so today, right now as a matter of fact, Lohan patriarch Michael is being escorted by 2 LA County Sheriffs deputies in a showdown with Lindsay inside her apartment to make sure Ali is safe. Radar says…

Threatening for months to stage an intervention, Michael showed up uninvited of course to check on the welfare of Lindsay’s younger sister Ali.
He brought along a few sheriff’s deputies as well.
Lindsay is Twittering at full speed as events happen. She wrote: “I NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER! MY SISTER AND FRIEND TOO!!!!! HE’S NUTS!!!
And then added:
“I am wondering what the world is coming to when my father can hire cops and walk into my apt w/out notice.”

“We went to Lindsay’s apartment with the sheriff to check on Ali’s welfare and already had it out with Lindsay and Ali,” Michael told RadarOnline.com.

Lindsay continued her Tweeting and wrote: “My lawyer isn’t answering I NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER! MY SISTER AND FRIEND TOO!!!!! HE’S NUTS!!! when will it ever end… it’s been going on my whole life with him-hasn’t he caused enough pain ? he has NEVER paid child support, and is marrying a tabloid writer and can barely spell his own name due to his “brain” that has been ruined. let’s not forget, that my father KIDNAPPED me from a COURT ROOM when i was 4 years old and is CRAZY. i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister’s safety, as well as my own.”

I really wish those capitalized words said things like “shots fired” and “blood bath”. Those cops need to show some initiative and start shooting everyone named Lohan. Just say they went for your gun. No one will care, I assure you. Lindsay is a fucking idiot. She’s very clearly a drug addict and alcoholic. Her claiming she goes to bars simply to hang out with her friends takes some balls. It would be like telling your wife you go to strip clubs just for the music.