Pitbull should be a Secret Service agent or something because he’s pretty calm when shit goes down. At a recent show in Aspen, he brought a guy on stage, punched him in the face and then kicked him, but at no point did the song stop and he picked up right where he was supposed to. Granted this maybe wasn’t the most formidable of opponents. That dude may be the baddest son of a bitch in Aspen, but that’s like being the most controversial pastry chef. In Aspen, the “black part of town” is probably “that dudes house”. All the white people lock their car doors as soon as they see his mailbox.
So obviously the big news last night was the death of Mike Tysons 4-year-old daughter Exodus. It’s possible I was slightest bit cavalier when the news broke, because I assumed it wasn’t that bad since I didn’t and still don’t get how the hell anyone could accidentally hang themselves with a power chord. Even if she somehow wrapped it around her neck several times and then the slack got caught in the moving treadmill, it’s not like the other end is bolted into the wall. But I digress. This is horrific news. Hopefully a better explanation is on it’s way.
Michelle Trachtenberg and Emmy Rossum have a lot to learn about being famous. Kim Kardashian easily won the bikini contest at the Nivea Beach House in Malibu yesterday. In fact she was seemingly the only person who thought there was one. I have no idea WTF the “Nivea Beach House” is, but it looks like everyone had a good time. Which is surprising because one would imagine that putting this guy within 10 feet of Kims huge tits and unlimited hand lotion would have had disaster written all over it.
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In about three weeks time, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” went from a show I’d barely even heard of to some secret ratings giant to the most wretched thing on television. Now even Kate’s sister-in-law is telling people not to watch the stupid thing. Her reason? Well, brace yourself, because she claims it’s staged.
“When the show first started, Kate made a wish list of things that she wanted, and that became the theme of each episode — the carpet, twins’ room, bunk beds, cow, hair plugs, teeth whitening, trips, etc. EVERYTHING that you see them do or buy is completely paid for out of the budget for the show or traded for free advertising … The episodes are also staged. Here’s how it works … there is a staff of people reading these blogs and they base the shows around what people are talking about.”
Is it really a surprise if Jon had an affair? Kate isn’t even remotely hot enough to justify her insufferable attitude. Bitch had eight kids. Her vagina must look like a black sheepdog panting in the summer.
ZAC EFRON – is considering breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens because he’s being told, “When people see them together, they think of their characters.” As in from “High School Musical”. Another way to change his image would be to rant about how the Jews control the banks. They do, you know. I’ve got some stuff you should read. (source = star magazine)
LILY ALLEN – says that “Britain’s Got Talent” sensation Susan Boyle is overrated, and that 12-year-old Shaheen Jarfagholi should win (relevant videos over here). More importantly, how come we’re stuck with Paula Abdul and they get hot-ass Amanda Holden. Every time I see Amanda I wanna punch Paula. I’d rather “Idol” switch to footage from a truck stop toilet than go to Paula after every song. (source = daily mail)
SHAUNA SAND – for the second time today, the “star” of a set of pictures from Miami Beach has been overshadowed (this time by the random topless chick) but if you need to describe these Shauna pics to a coworker, stumble back and point at the monitor and say, “OHMY FUCKINGGOD WHATISTHAT?!” (source = mavrix and splash. jump to hq here)
From what I understand, “Twilight” is super cool, and I bet once I see it my soul will fall under it’s erotic spell of forbidden love and hushed affection. Until then, I have no idea who Ashley Greene is, but she was in a bikini this weekend and I can prove it.
According to her IMDb page, “Ashley had to learn to pitch like a professional for the baseball scene in Twilight.” According to youtube, “No. No she didn’t.” Thankfully the Twilight fanbase doesn’t watch sports or exercise and probably thinks “baseball” is some kind of quidditch rip-off, so Ashley could have thrown the ball with her feet and no one would have ever said a word.
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Charlotte Gainsbourg is a French actress who may be familiar to American audiences because of work in “21 Grams” or “I’m Not There”, and just this week she won Best Actress at Cannes for “Antichrist”, but more to the point she’s now the chick who changed her entire bikini on a public beach, changing from a black one to a white one. When Jay Leno heard about this, he said, “Oh great, just what this town needs, another Michael Jackson impersonator!“ And then a bunch of inbreds in Big Dog t-shirts laughed hysterically, and then he drove home in his 9 million dollar car, and then I slit my fucking wrists.