with your host, Rick Cartman

By brendon July 10, 2009 @ 1:15 PM

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The last we saw Chastity Bono, it was using the name Rick Cartman to host the Sexy Action News Team (side-by-side). But last night it made an appearance at the Outfest Film Festival, and I would make fun of it some more, but it has a skinny girlfriend with long hair, and I don’t have any girlfriend at all, so who’s laughing now.

Not my penis, I can promise you that.

(image source = wenn)

10 Xanax a night

By brendon July 10, 2009 @ 11:44 AM

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The tabloids could have a cover story that says, “You’re Looking At This And Reading These Words”, and lots of people would still be like, “Yeah whatever.  I’m so sure.”  Wednesday the Enquirer said Michael Jackson had taken 10,000 pills over the last 6 months of his life.  Today, CNN confirms that, if nothing else, he sure as hell tried.  Us magazine says…

Michael Jackson took more than 10 Xanax pills a night, “asking his employees to get the prescription sleep medicine under their names and also personally traveling to doctor’s offices in other states to obtain them,” according to CNN.
One security guard told sheriff’s deputies that he expressed his concern to another staffer about Jackson’s use of 10-plus pills a night.
According to CNN, the second staffer replied: “Jackson was doing better because he was down from 30 to 40 Xanax pills a night.”

Holy crap. All of a sudden 50 doesn’t seem like such a young age to die. If you’re so addicted to drugs that you take 40 Xanax a night, 50 seems like a nice long life. It was like he was challenging his liver to a fight. Like he stood there with a full bottle of pills and a glass of water, looked down at his liver and said, “let’s get it on, bitch!”

Aww what the hell

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 4:09 PM

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In the last few weeks, Marilyn Manson took time out from living in 1997 to start dating Stoya (the porn star. Picture Megan Fox if Megan Fox was into piercings and anal. NSFW pic here), Billy Corgan went out with LA weather-girl Jackie Johnson, and now Wicked Chops Poker sends over this picture of doofus Brad Garret playing poker while his hot little girlfriend waits patiently in a see-thru shirt with no bra.

The pictures below are also them in Hawaii about two weeks ago. After that is Corgan and Johnson. After that is a puddle of my tears and a chair I tipped over while shaking my fist at God.

Demi Moore is not bad

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 2:32 PM

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Demi Moore is 46, and this is her today in a bikini in the Bahamas. That Benjamin Button thing isn’t real is it? Because she seems to get better looking, her body gets in better shape, with every passing year. If this keeps up she’ll win Miss Teen USA in 2027.

(hq jump here. more of these on Splash News Online)

Please kill yourself

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 2:19 PM

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There’s a very good reason why Gwyneth Paltrow is widely considered the most annoying person in Hollywood.  If you’ve forgotten what that might be, here’s her latest newsletter to talk down to you remind you.

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below … I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago).

A “relax and enjoy life phase”?  Oh, that’s a good idea. I don’t know why I never thought of that. I need to spend summers in Spain and Paris like you recommend too. I just hope Gwyneth stays with us forever. She’s so wonderful I worry she might transform into a beam of pure radiant energy, with only her loving, omnipotent spirt to smile down on us from above.

This is gross

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 12:18 PM

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Just about two weeks ago, The Enquirer claimed Morgan Freeman, who is 72, has been having a nearly 10 year affair with his step-granddaughter, 27-year-old E’Dina Hines. Now they ratchet up the uncomfortable imagery by saying Morgan and E’Dina are set to get married.

She is the granddaughter of Morgan’s first wife – whom he and his estranged second wife Myrna raised since she was a young child.
The long-secret relationship led to the breakup of Morgan’s marriage
Now, The ENQUIRER has learned that Morgan and E’Dena are planning to wed after Morgan’s contentious divorce battle is over!
“Morgan has led her to believe that he wants to marry her,” a family insider told The ENQUIRER.
“Becoming Mrs. Morgan Freeman has been E’Dena’s goal,” revealed another family source.

The only way this story could be any more uncomfortable is if E’Dina was a handicapped boy. Just the image of some 17-year-old on her knees in front of … aw, no, no way. You can hang out if you want but I’m gettin out of here.

Lindsay really is a bitch

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 10:24 AM

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Remember when Johnny Depp tipped a waiter $4000 two weeks ago? Okay, well this is the exact opposite of that, mainly because Depp understands his good fortune in life and is grateful for it, whereas Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled whore.  The Sun says…

LINDSAY LOHAN found herself locked out of SAMANTHA RONSON’S flat last night (and had to) call a locksmith after losing her keys.
The 23-year-old star walked around the entrance of the house as the locksmith started working on the door, watched by Lindsay’s pal Christy.
She then found an open window and exclaimed, “What the f***, the lock just came undone. You know what sir, we already got in, thanks. We just broke in. We just found a way in.”
She then refused to pay the man’s call out fee, claiming he was asking for $300.
“This guy… is asking me to pay him but he didn’t get me in, Christy did. Can you tell him? He didn’t even get me in,” she told a photographer outside her home.
“He’s trying to charge me $300. I’ve paid these guys before, $80, and now he wants money for trying to get me in, he didn’t do his job!”

Wow Lindsay really showed him. If you didn’t read that whole thing, here are the cliff notes: Lindsay called someone to do a job then decided she didn’t want to pay and told the guy to go fuck himself. His job, I should mention, is to defeat even the most complicated of locks and gain access to peoples homes, quickly and silently, often in the dead of night.

What could go wrong? Lindsay wins again!

Mary Louise Parker is hot, naked

By brendon July 08, 2009 @ 7:54 PM

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Mary Louise Parker is in this months Esquire magazine, and you have to hand it to the foppish dandies over there, because they’ve once again managed to describe a super hot naked girl in the gayest way possible.

A few times now you’ve given Esquire your image – your long platinum neck, your deep Guinness eyes staring out from the photos, your movie-star nose, twitched a little, your long body lounging on our pages.

I have no idea what Lord Queerington is talking about, but that’s nothing new with Esquire and GQ. They should rename those magazines Restraining Order Digest and Exfoliating Weekly because that’s all they ever fucking talk about. A magazine about socks and truffle oil for guys is about as useful as a fantasy football guide for girls. Oh, what’s that Esquire? Brooches? For men? Ohhh, do I dare?!?!

(hq jump here. two full size pics here and here)