Jessica Alba was at the Whole Foods in Brentwood this weekend, and I can’t quite put my finger on it but something tells me she might be pregnant. Let me make some calls, check with my sources, see what I can find out.
(image source = flynet)
Good news if you’re an average looking young girl who can endure the pathetic rambling of a brain damaged drug addict and lick his old grey balls in exchange for publicity, because Charlie Sheen is 100 percent single again.
Charlie Sheen’s remaining goddess, Natalie Kenly, moved out of Sheen’s pad last week. But the model didn’t get to keep her fifteen minutes of fame and her sweet ride … (he) demanded that Kenly return the Mercedes he purchased for her.
But still referring to himself in the third person, Sheen was cavalier about the split telling sources, it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen.”
Ah, yes. Good one, Charlie. The “Masheen”. I get it. Because you’re a machine. That’s why things are going so well. That’s why you’re broke and alone and the movie roles and huge paydays you kept saying were gonna happen never did and girls with self-respect are disgusted by you.
But if there’s a girl who doesn’t have any dignity, by all means, step right up. Oh, and when you’re vagina turns black after having sex with him, don’t worry. “Normal” might not be the right word but it happens to all the girls.
(image source = wenn)
KATY PERRY – will tie Michael Jacksons record if her 5th single off ‘Teenage Dream’ goes to number 1 like the other 4 have. And also if she gets two dozen little boys drunk and blows them. (mtv)
CARS 2 – is the worst reviewed Pixar movie ever, and not coincidentally they’ve now unveiled the characters for ‘Brave’, their first movie with a female protagonist. So I guess it’s about girl problems, like when there are no tampons in the ladies room. (joblo)
THE SUPERMAN REBOOT – will have Julia Ormond joining Russell Crowe as Supermans parents on Krypton before it explodes. Because this will tell the Superman origin story. Yet again. Otherwise no one would know what was going on. “There’s a new director now, so naturally I assumed the character would be completely different,” audiences will no doubt say to one another. “By showing me what I already know and saw in two other movies, I’m now reassured that Superman is still exactly the same as always. And it was great. I enjoy watching the same story over and over and over again. I’m like a fucking toddler.” (deadline)
MEN IN BLACK 3 – will cost $215 million, mostly because Will Smith is a pain in the ass. (the wrap)
JERSEY SHORE – will have an all new cast next year. Either that or they won’t, because MTV is denying these reports. As if they could ever find 8 more drunk Italians in New Jersey. (hollywood reporter)
PETER FALK – died “peacefully at his Beverly Hills home” last night at the age of 83, according to his family. But maybe their story comes unraveled if the detective says there’s “Just one more thing…” right before leaving. It can’t hurt to try. (ew)
PAZ DE LA HUERTA – walked around NYC on the phone. Presumably with someone asking what her tits felt like. (inf)
Pippa Middleton became world famous when she and her ass upstaged her sisters wedding to Prince William, and now Usher, who has a line of lingerie coming out this summer for some reason, tells Look magazine that he wants Pippa to take most of her clothes off so he can take pictures of her. As if that was some original idea no one else had thought of.
“I don’t think there’s a more beautiful, more stunning, more talked-about woman in the world at the moment.”
“I’m going to be approaching her in the next few weeks and setting up a meeting this summer.”
“The great thing about her is that she would be a global brand. Everybody knows her now, she would be perfect. I am sure everybody is trying to sign her up and she won’t be cheap, but she has the looks and the popularity to really establish a new product.”
And I bet he’s saying that without even having seen these pictures of her in a bikini. And then taking off her bikini top and kind of showing some side boob.
Just for the record, everything that happened between me and these pictures was completely consensual.
Claudia Schiffer, whose husband Matthew Vaughn may or may not have gotten January Jones pregnant while they were making ‘X-Men: First Class’, dropped their kids off at school this morning in London, and the reason she looks so sad is because the other kids taunted her with “fatty fat fat fat” as she left. And rightfully so. But things got better after that when she showed Obi Wan how the clone army was made. “Very impressive,” he exclaimed!
Good news for Kirstie Alley, because Elizabeth Berkley wore a bikini in Hawaii yesterday, and now Kirstie no longer has the worst body to ever be on the internet. And she and her husband must know it because they’re having the same reaction I am. At first I was like, “hmm, hey, what is this?” And then I was like, “uuuhhh, uuuhh, oh my god WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!”
These could have just as easily been labeled, “The only known photos of Bigfoot in a bikini” and it never even would have crossed my mind that maybe they weren’t.
(image source = bauer griffin)