Mel B and her husband whose name I don’t remember and don’t feel like looking up walked the red carpet in Venice, Italy last night for the premiere of the Nic Cage sequel to ‘Bad Lieutenant’, and kudos to him for getting all dressed up. He’s the kind of asshole you see in commercials underneath a giant red X because he can’t ever do anything right. Thanks to these two the glamorous red carpet looked like a JC Penny ‘Back to School” commercial.
The Sun UK breathlessly announced today that ‘Gia’, the HBO movie starring Angelina Jolie as 70′s supermodel Gia Carangi, is being remastered and released in HD. This is noteworthy because ‘Gia’ is the movie where Angelina walks around naked constantly and has sex with other girls, namely Elizabeth Mitchell from ‘Lost’. So unloved perverts pretending they’re the ones that a fully naked Angelina is begging not to leave after a night of hot sex is a thing of the past, or will be as soon as my copy arrives.
(sexy naked screencaps on the other side)
Stephanie Pratt, Kristin Cavallari, and Lo Bosworth filmed scenes for ‘The Hills’ in Malibu yesterday, and if you squint and pretend it’s a casket that Stephanie is climbing in and sailing away on like a Viking funeral these pictures are actually somewhat satisfying. If that’s working you can also imagine grabbing that paddle out of her hand and smashing her brother in the face until all his teeth break in half and stick into his tongue. The internet has widdled my imagination down to a nub, so neither of those worked for me. Instead I just turned my monitor off and admired the sexy man staring back at me. Well hello there handsome, what’s your name?
Jessica Simpson was the big surprise guest model for Ozlem Suers fashion show last night in Paris. You may be wondering what kind of fashion designer still thinks its a good idea to have Jessica Simpson model their clothes. The answer is a fashion designer who wears leggings and what appears to be a maternity dress, and who looks sort of like Fionna from Shrek after she married Shrek. Be still my heart.
The program made it clear that the funeral for Michael Jackson would begin promptly at 7, good news for people like 77-year-old Elizabeth Taylor as they waited around in the blazing California heat. Just 90 minutes later the Jackson family arrived and the service began. Gladys Knight sang the hymn, “Our Father” and Michaels three children placed a bejeweled crown on his golden casket, a crown that Joe would later spend the night digging up.
Al Sharpton was nice enough to update his twitter page during the event, a star-studded affair attended Elizabeth Taylor, Barry Bonds (really?), Macaulay Culkin, Mila Kunis, Chris Tucker, Corey Feldman and Lisa Marie Presley among others.
After the service friends and family gathered at a restaurant in Pasadena, where Feldman did a quick Michael Jackson impression as a tribute. He put on a white sheet and rattled some chains while saying “boo”. Seems inappropriate.
It seems hard to believe that there was no around to step up and throw a glass of water on Blake Lively when they saw her walking around New York in a white dress and no bra. If I were 12 you would see her drenched in water and then me and some friends holding on to the front of a fire hose as it picks us up and whips us around like on the Little Rascals.
LINDSAY LOHAN – ‘Life and Style’ points out the remarkable similarities between the women who “robbed” Lindsay and regular Lindsay. It would have been easy enough for her to truly disguise herself, but consider this: Lindsay is an idiot. (life and style)
LADY GAGA – went on The Matt And Jo Radio Show in Australia and because Aussies are cool/drunk, they asked her straight out if she was a hermaphrodite. She didn’t say yes or no, just “the subject is beneath me.” Yes, exactly, so look beneath you to where the subject is and describe what you see you creepy bitch. (hear the audio here)
PLAYBOY – is now offering Lindsay almost 1M to pose for the magazine, but she’s still being coy. This bitch is nuts. Everyone has already seen her naked (here) and she’s crazy if she thinks the offer will go higher. In another year she’ll be lucky to get a photoshoot where guys stand around and pee on her. (the sun)
CURRENT SONG – ‘Get Off’ by the Dandy Warhols. They would be more popular except no one seems to know who they are. I’m pretty savvy about the music industry. (youtube)
NOEMI LETIZIA – this is the 18-year-old who is having an affair with the 72-year old Prime Minister of Italy. Someone with bigger balls than him was unavailable for comment because they don’t exist. (hq jump)