monday morning headlines

By brendon July 06, 2009 @ 10:24 AM

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CURRENT SONG - Theme from “Saw”, remixed by BoneCrusher, with Lil Jon and Fatman Scoop. Bone Crusha is my N-word. (hear it here – explicit lyrics)

MICHAEL JACKSON – will be buried this week. Without his brain. Because his true cause of death has not been found, dissecting his brain is the last best chance to determine what his body was experiencing when he died. That will take at least 3 weeks. After that his brain will either be burned or he’ll be dug up for a reunion. If it were me I’d see if they could put it in a 10-story robot. Revenge is mine! (dubious source = the mirror)

THE MEMORIAL – Fox, NBC, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and E! will all televise the Michael Jackson memorial tomorrow live. Disney Channel still undecided, suspects an elaborate trap, has moved Zach and Cody to a secret location. (source = washington post)

HOLLY MADISON – hosted a party at TAO Beach in Vegas on Saturday. I don’t know why. Does it matter? (3 more pics here.  hq jump here.  source = wenn)

Rihanna has good taste

By brendon July 06, 2009 @ 6:21 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Jay-Z, Rihanna, And Jamie Foxx Celebrating The 4th Of

Rihanna spent the Fourth of July at Tao in Vegas with some mystery dude who is reportedly her new lover, and she did it essentially topless, but don’t get too excited. That star over her nipple is what she wore, not something I did with photoshop to make these safe-for-work.  It’s part of the picture.

Wait. No.

I meant to say, just keep clicking on these pictures, just click on them again and again and again, that star should come off eventually.  Our server is loading aps or something right now, so it may take a while, but keep clicking and the amazing naked pictures should show up any second.

(hq jump here. source = flynet)

Lady GaGa is goofy

By brendon July 06, 2009 @ 6:20 AM

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You know what phrase I bet no one on earth has ever said at any time ever, even sarcastically? “Man, I sure would like to see Lady GaGa topless.”

So with that in mind, your guess is as good as mine as to why V magazine thought this (NSFW) would be a good idea.

Has Julianne ever been outside

By brendon July 03, 2009 @ 6:14 PM

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FRIDAYS FUN FACT! – Julianne Moore was caught outside her Malibu home this week, and although her skin appears to be white, it’s actually transparent.  It appears white because she reflects and scatters all natural light. The color white becomes visible to our eyes when an object reflects back all of the visible wavelengths of light, rather than absorbing some of the wavelengths and then taking on that color.

Wait.  Wait no that’s polar bears.  My bad.  Yeah she’s just that white.

(hq jump = here.  image source = splash)

Jarah Mariano is the winner

By brendon July 03, 2009 @ 5:27 PM

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80 percent of all Asian girls are super hot. All the other races probably average like 30 percent. And Sports Illustrated supermodel Jarah Mariano is the worlds hottest Asian girl, so according to the formula, that means she’s the hottest girl of all time. Maybe even the greatest person to ever live. Essentially what this means is that if you’re a model whose name isn’t Jarah Mariano, you suck and I hate you. In fact all your photoshoots should be canceled due to lack of interest.

(these are from big-deal photographer Randall Slavin. His two sites with tons of beautiful work are here and here. If I sound unusually complimentary it’s because I’m not really supposed to have these, no one on earth does, and if I could not get sued again when someone eventually squeals, that would be delightful. HQ jump = here. bonus pic because cropping it was heartbreaking = here)

The memorial will be free

By brendon July 03, 2009 @ 2:33 PM

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The good news for fans hoping to attend the Michael Jackson memorial on Tuesday is that they won’t have to buy $25 tickets.  The bad news is that they can’t buy $25 tickets.  Instead it’s now up to a lottery (here) to see how sad and empty their life is if they’re the big winner!

17,500 seats are available for the memorial at Staples Center and 11,000 more are available for the simulcast down the street at the Nokia Theatre.  The Nokia will be exactly like watching it on TV, except for being much much worse in every way.

Still, it was nice of the Jackson family to make it free.  Oh wait never mind.  Radar says…

“The family was not going to announce they were charging for several more days. Backed into a corner by the bad publicity, family members had heated closed door discussions and many arguments on Thursday. They decided the only way they could save face with fans was to drop the plan to charge.”

If LA wants to clean itself up, they should wait for all 30,000 people to show up and then just lock the doors.  It’s not gonna be the team behind the Large Hadron Collider.  It’s gonna be Billy Bush and Mary Hart and Joe Jackson and 800 lawyers and an army of delusional retards who the only thing they had to take time off from was clogging up 911 with calls about “that bitch is crazy, you needa arrest her ass”.  They should lock the doors and then it turns out they actually climbed aboard a rocket and then just shoot that thing right into the sun.

Jessica has awful taste

By brendon July 03, 2009 @ 12:40 PM

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After this seemingly harmless Liz Hurley post last week, some dirty god damn hippie sent me an article claiming sexy sexist jokes lead to violence against women (here). It was really insulting, and I wanted to punch her right in the face, but all I had was her email. So I decided to take out my frustrations on my girlfriend and went to yell at her. Then I remembered that I’m an unlikable dickhead and I don’t have a girlfriend, so I flipped off the little girl next door and called her a fag.

More to the point, Jessica Simpson and her huge jugs wore the worlds most unflattering dress when they left DC yesterday after singing the National Anthem at the Tiger Woods charity golf tournament. I don’t think hot girls should dress slutty ALL the time, I just … wait no, never mind. I very much do think that. Sorry.

If God wore a shirt…

By brendon July 03, 2009 @ 9:57 AM

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While her custody battle for Michael Jacksons kids raged on over in LA, Debbie Rowe stared down a different type of adversary when she arrived on her ranch in Palmdale yesterday.  She was determined to shove some things up a horses ass, and she’d read about the power of the wolf shirt on Birkoph.com, but would it be enough?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Her solution?  A three wolf shirt.  With 3x the wolves of a normal wolf shirt, the horse would be intimidated/aroused into complete submission.  Even if the horse was non-homo, Debbie knew, once it saw she had harnessed the power of the wolf, it would stand there and take it.  Take it, and like it.