new and improved heidi wants to do playboy again

By brendon February 10, 2010 @ 10:43 AM

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The last time Heidi Montag was in Playboy, the pictures were about as erotic as shark attack photos, but that was before she got DDD implants. She had to buy the implants, but the self-confidence that came along with them was free (hint-hint ladies). MSNBC says…

“Heidi would love to do another (Playboy) cover,” said a source who’s exceedingly close to the couple.
Montag’s first Playboy pose, back in September, was conservative by some standards, but part deux stands to be a little more risqué.
“She is currently speaking with (Playboy photographer) Matthew Rolston (about) a steamy, soapy, shower concept showing her boobs through the shower door
“She could use the money, and she’s finally ready to pose topless, so she is negotiating with the magazine.”

She really could use the money because despite what she wants you to believe, she doesn’t have any. This is where she lives, so that shower door better be made out of a magnifying glass if she expects to get the 1 million she’s asking for. Otherwise, I wouldn’t pay Heidi one million dollars unless her naked pictures were printed on the back Megan Fox’s naked pictures.

bradley cooper has a secret

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 6:08 PM

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Bradley Cooper attended the premiere of his new unwatchable movie ‘Valentines Day’ last night, and either putting on bronzer is harder than I imagined or he’s secretly Batman and someone threw flour at him. People aren’t generally two dramatic different shades like this. Except for the time I masturbated with self-tanner.

Michael Jacksons face was tattooed on

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 5:52 PM

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For years people have been saying, “Michael Jackson sure does have an interesting look. What’s his secret?” Would you believe it had to do with drugs and barbaric cosmetic procedures? Yes I assumed you would.

Fox News says…

Sixty-one photographs of the former pop prince were taken prior to and throughout (his autopsy). According to the report, Jackson’s hair was “sparse and connected to a wig.”
Jackson hair line was tattooed on, as were other facial features
“There is a dark skin discoloration resembling a tattoo on the anterior half of the scalp. There are dark tattoos in the areas of both eyebrows and at the superior and interior borders of the palperbral fissures. There is a pink tattoo in the region of the lips,” observed a corner’s investigator.

I’m surprised he didn’t tattoo his entire face brown. And since he didn’t have a have a nose, he could have gotten a button sewn on, like a teddy bear. That look would have really helped out with luring kids into his bedroom. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Or in Michael Jacksons case, rape young boys.

Jennifer Aniston is a racist bitch

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 5:08 PM

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It takes a certain type of person to spend their birthday at a palatial 5-star resort on the beach in Mexico. A selfless person, a hero among us who only thinks of others. Someone who will go to where they’re needed, no matter how dirty or drug addicted the people she drives by on the way to the resort may be.

Why did she choose Mexico where she has gone many times before?
“These people survive on us coming down and spending money,” Aniston explains. Considering the country’s troubles with swine flu and drug trafficking, “It sort of made sense to sort of say, ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico.’ “

I may owe Jennifer Ansiton an apology. I thought she was an elitist bitch, but it turns out she wants to help those dirty Mexicans. Hopefully she made it clear to her butler that he wasn’t to use this weekends salary on drugs, and that he should buy a lobster or something for dinner instead of digging rotten pork out of the garbage. That’s what they do, you know. The whole country. They’ve got another thing coming if they think they’re gonna fool Jennifer Ansiton.

site news

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 4:38 PM

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I’m still having ridiculous tech issues over here because of the retards who run comcast. No one has any idea what the fuck is going on. It’s not on their screen. They don’t know what’s wrong but it’s definitely not on their screen. Whatever the problem might be, it’s gonna be on a different screen, and they don’t have that screen or know who does. There’s an omnipotent screen somewhere that can tell me why my internet went off and why no one has been to my house to turn it back on, but only those of the pure at heart can ask it questions. It’s like Excalibur. And none of those people are the ones who answer the phone. I can’t even tell if they have a screen. I asked if they did and if it was turned on and they assured me it was but I wasn’t convinced. All they did was repeat my question back to me but prefaced it by saying “no.” And then they told more about the Good News of the Magic Screen.

brad and angelina are suing

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 11:39 AM

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Tabloids have been claiming that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are breaking up any minute now since at least 2006. Here’s a post from May of 2007 about it. Yet they’re still together, and in fact they seemed pretty happy two days ago as their adopted New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl.

So maybe that’s why they’re suing the London tabloid the News Of The World, who claimed Pitt and Jolie met with attorneys in December to divide their assets and work out custody of their children. The BBC says…

The couple’s lawyer, Keith Schilling, called the “widely republished” allegations “false and intrusive”.
He added the paper had failed to meet “reasonable demands” for an apology.
He said the pair had also asked for a retraction of the allegations, which had subsequently been “widely republished by mainstream news outlets”.
A statement from Schillings Lawyers also noted that Sorrell Trope, identified by some publications as a divorce lawyer advising Pitt and Jolie, had never met them.
“I have had no contact from… Angelina Jolie and / or Brad Pitt,” said Trope in a letter quoted in the statement.
“I have never met… your clients or had any involvement with either of them. The foregoing is true with respect to all other members of this firm.”

Pitt must be a really nice guy. Aren’t there Russian generals selling bio-weapons for like a million dollars? What the hell is he waiting for? If I were rich I would definitely use it to terrify people and attack them into submission. But only my enemies. I’m tough but fair.

marisa miller is pretty easy going

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 9:44 AM

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People make fun of Tom Arnold, but Sunday he tackled Marisa Miller during a flag football game in Miami before the Super Bowl and had the good sense to pull her pants down. So who’s laughing now? Not the people on the other team after this play, the ones who had Tom running after them with an erection, I can tell you that.

NOTE - there were only two posts yesterday and I’ll spare you the details but comcast can suck my dick. Should be back to normal today though.

(source = getty and inf daily and splash news online)

jennifer aniston still sucks

By brendon February 08, 2010 @ 12:33 PM

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Jennifer Aniston and her barren womb went down to Mexico this weekend with some friends, including apparent boyfriend Gerard Butler and Courteney Cox. Aniston looks okay but that’s because these pictures were taken from a million miles away. Much like how pictures of the Loch Ness monster look real but when you see it up close you realize it’s a haphazardly thrown together mess. So Jennifer Aniston and monsters have more in common than you might have thought.

(source = splash news online)