Seriously. What the hell?

By brendon May 28, 2009 @ 5:58 AM

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I’m too lazy/indifferent to look it up, but … seriously.  What the fuck.  What’s the deal with the Kardashian sisters?  Do they all have the same dad?  There’s no way they all have the same dad.  Why is that one so big?  It’s like their mom got raped by Chewbacca.  There’s no way this is normal.  She might have gigantism.  Or that thing Lincoln had.  Marfans?  Either way they need to get her to a hospital to have this looked at before she goes crazy, climbs a building and swats down planes.  Our human military will be powerless to stop her, our earth weapons only make her angry.

Afternoon Headlines

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 1:56 PM

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MICHAEL LOHAN – Lindsays dad was apparently arrested on April 6th for threatening to kill his fiancée and himself when she tried to break up with him.  I wonder if that worked.  I normally just beg and cry and lay down in front of her tires. (source = ny post)

AMERICAN IDOL – AT&T employees attended two “American Idol” parties in Kris Allens home state, and they brought demo phones and showed how to send up to 10 text messages at once.  AT&T is the only network that can be used to vote on Idol with a text.  Idol says this did not effect who won, but some are saying this was a plot to keep the gay guy from winning.  And it worked.  It was risky, but sending store reps to parties in Arkansas was the only possible way for producers to fix the show.  (source = people)

HAYLIE DUFF – before you could be polite to Haylie Duff and say, “she’d be pretty like her sister if she just got a nose job.” Now she’s ugly and you can’t blame it on anything. So thanks Haylie, thanks for making everything real awkward. (image source = pacific coast)

I’m not sure I beelee dat

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 12:23 PM

Despite Bow Wows assurances, I’m not so sure I agree with Chris Brown when he says he’s not a monster. He put out this video last night to promote his new record, one of the first times he’s spoken publicly since that night he punched Rihanna in the face for 20 minutes, and it really cleared up a lot of loose ends. Brown says…

“I’m about to drop a single this summer for ya’ll, so, we ain’t goin’ nowhere. Everybody’s that’s haters, they just been haters. All my real fans I love ya’ll. I ain’t a monster.”

Wow that was really touching. I wish I was a girl so I could date Chris Brown.

Um … okay well that’s not bad

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 10:33 AM

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Cameron Diaz and all the people who don’t find her irritating went for a walk together on the beach this morning, and even though she’s a fug annoying mess with bigger bumps on her face than her chest, she looks pretty good here. She’s in Hawaii in these pictures but I’m not sure what island. “Magic Flattering Picture Island” would be a good guess.

(image source = pacific coast. full size jump = here. close ups of this same set = here)

Kourtney is so much better

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 9:15 AM

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Kim and Kourtney Kardashian went rollerblading in Miami this week, and Kourtney is clearly hotter than Kim so if she plays her cards right I may let her have sex with me, but I’m concerned because whatever race they are looks like it would be covered in hair.  That’s why Asian chicks are the best.  They have really soft skin and are practically hairless.  These two look like things could really go to hell fast down there.  In two weeks it would be like a pelt, like a raccoon tail was hanging out of her.  Like they would start to pant if it was hot out.

This post was actually supposed to be flattering.  Not so sure that worked out.

(image source = splash. hq jump = here)

Tori Spelling is doing great

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 8:42 AM

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You may have thought Palm Springs couldn’t get any hotter, but then Tori Spelling spent Memorial Day there in a tiny little bikini. I know she’s often not considered attractive according to our western standards of beauty, but other cultures might love her. Like Admiral Ackbars. She should find out where he’s from and move there. Then she’d be all set.

(if for some reason you’d like to jump straight to the hq, you can do that here)

Pitbull has a solid right

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 6:32 AM

Pitbull should be a Secret Service agent or something because he’s pretty calm when shit goes down. At a recent show in Aspen, he brought a guy on stage, punched him in the face and then kicked him, but at no point did the song stop and he picked up right where he was supposed to. Granted this maybe wasn’t the most formidable of opponents. That dude may be the baddest son of a bitch in Aspen, but that’s like being the most controversial pastry chef. In Aspen, the “black part of town” is probably “that dudes house”. All the white people lock their car doors as soon as they see his mailbox.

The little girl died

By brendon May 27, 2009 @ 5:57 AM

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So obviously the big news last night was the death of Mike Tysons 4-year-old daughter Exodus.  It’s possible I was slightest bit cavalier when the news broke, because I assumed it wasn’t that bad since I didn’t and still don’t get how the hell anyone could accidentally hang themselves with a power chord.  Even if she somehow wrapped it around her neck several times and then the slack got caught in the moving treadmill, it’s not like the other end is bolted into the wall.  But I digress.  This is horrific news.  Hopefully a better explanation is on it’s way.