Helena Bonham Carter is heartbreaking

By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 4:01 PM

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Helena Bonham Carter, my beloved Marla Singer, who used to look like this and even now can look like this when she tries, ran some errands around North London today, and seriously what in the hell.

She looks like someone who would throw a handful of pee in your eyes while yelling some insane gibberish. If that thing tried to kiss me, I’d pull my head down like a turtle until it completely sunk into my chest. I don’t know how but I would figure it out.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Lindsay Lohan bribed Dawn Holland to change her story

By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 1:39 PM

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Dawn Holland is the woman who worked at Betty Ford and accused Lindsay Lohan of assaulting her, but who followed that a few days later by saying things were fine, that she overreacted, and Lindsay should be left alone.

That was weird, huh? That’s a weird thing for someone to do. The only explanation would be that, either Dawn really did think she overacted and felt bad because Lindsay is a sweet little angel, or that Lindsay bribed her to change her story.

Hold on to your hats, everyone.

(Holland) secretly cut a $25,000 deal with (Lohan) after refusing to testify against her, Radar has learned.
What’s more, Holland fired her attorney Keith Davidson on Thursday afternoon after the payday never materialized.
“Dawn agreed to a $25,000 payment from someone directly associated with Lohan’s camp,” a source said.
“Dawn wanted the amount paid upfront. But Lohan’s camp wanted to spread it out over a period of a few months, paying her in installments.”

It might seem weird that Lindsay couldn’t pay it all at once and then never paid it at all, but that’s probably because she doesn’t have $25,000. Actually she doesn’t even have $15,000 it would seem, because TMZ adds that part of the deal was for Lohan and Holland to sell some pics to the paparazzi and for Holland to keep all the money.

The plan — hatched BEFORE Dawn decided not to pursue criminal charges against Lindsay — was that Dawn would make $10,000 from the sale of the photos.

It was dumb of Lindsay to not pay up, but even dumber of Dawn to think she was ever going to. She’s in a drug rehab, she just hit you, then lied about it to the cops and bribed you into lying too. How many god damn warning signs do you need before it daws on you that maybe this girl isn’t of the highest moral character. What if she had blood on her hands and around her mouth? Anything yet? Still seem good?

morning headlines

By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 10:48 AM

Hilary Duff Leaving Neiman Marcus In Beverly Hills

MEL GIBSON – is facing up to 4 years in jail for hitting his ex. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t know that because if he did I bet he would have hit her even harder. (sun)

AMERICAN IDOL – is down 13 percent in the ratings from one year ago, which was the lowest rated season in the shows history. And this is crazy because everyone loves Jennifer Lopez so much. How could this have gone wrong? It’s a real mindbender. (ew)

TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL – dated briefly around Thanksgiving, then broke up, but now may be back together. They might as well be. They’re never gonna find anyone else this bland and boring, so don’t even bother. (people)

KESHA – has said in countless interviews that that she doesn’t know who her father is, but it might her father, whom she had a very cordial relationship with until she was 19, but then stared telling people she doesn’t know who her father is. Just once it would be nice to find a girl who wasn’t completely fucking nuts. (star)

HILARY DUFF – is pregnant according to Star, but not pregnant according to Hilary Duff. So either Star is lying, or she’s lying, or she wanted to wait and tell me our big news in person. (star, twitter)

Kim Kardashian > fat dumb hillbilly teen moms

By brendon January 20, 2011 @ 5:12 PM

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian went on her blog yesterday to post about the high school in Memphis that has had 90 teen pregnancies in the past year, and how it might relate to the MTV show Teen Mom, and said some fairly obvious things that shouldn’t even need to be said, such as…

“…while I’m not saying that no teen is in the position to raise a child, having a baby so young shouldn’t be seen as the trendy thing to do.
Girls, please, think very carefully before you make these kind of decisions.”

Only a feeble minded dolt would try to equate having a child with making a sex tape, and so that’s exactly what Teen Mom “star” Amber Portwood did in her oh-so-clever rebuttal…

“Last time I checked, Kim Kardashian had a sex tape floating around on the internet and I’m pretty sure she made a lot of money off of it,” says the mother of 2-year-old Leah. “She made a sex tape when she was younger and she wants to bash the girls on Teen Mom?”

Listen you hillbilly whore, Kims sex tape isn’t gonna rob and shoot me in 15 years because it was raised by some dimwitted loser. If you have a kid at 16 it should be taken away and you should be turned upside down and filled with cement because you’re an idiot and a menace to society. You might as well just chop off one of your own feet since you’re so determined to make your life ten thousand times harder than it needs to be for absolutely no reason.

(image source = inf daily)

Rihanna got another haircut

By brendon January 20, 2011 @ 4:49 PM

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Rihanna was out in Hollywood last night with what popeater refers to as a “wig”, but I don’t know if they mean that literally or if that’s just what todays young people are calling a hairstyle. Either way, what the fuck why. This is what you’d wear at Holloween if you went as a toilet brush.

(image source = splash news online)

Kim Kardashian has a racy new leaked picture

By brendon January 20, 2011 @ 1:17 PM

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The New York Daily News says today that they have a private candid picture of Kim Kardashian, naked in bed with her new boyfriend, though to be honest that probably makes it sound hotter than it really is.

Gatecrasher has secured a photo of (Kim) and her rumored BF, New Jersey Net Kris Humphries, that a source tells us was once the b-baller’s BlackBerry Messenger photo.
In the steamy head shot, where the two appear to be in bed together, a bare-shouldered Kardashian smiles provocatively at the camera, with her mouth open and tongue out, while Humphries licks the side of her face. Going from a sex tape to a foreplay photo counts as progress, we guess.

It feels like it should be about time where everyone stops mentioning the sex tape every time Kim Kardashian does something even remotely racy. Just the fact that it’s referred to as a “tape” makes it feel like a 50 year old story. Like she’s gonna be on there in black and white, doing the Charleston.

(image source = splash news online)

morning headlines

By brendon January 20, 2011 @ 11:05 AM

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SUPERBOWL XLV – will have at least 13 ads for movies, including what should be the first real footage from Super 8 and Capt. America. No word yet on what PuppyBowl VII will have ads for. Dog food? (variety)

RACHEL WEISZ – is the choice for the female lead in the new James Bond movie, which is weird bc she dates Daniel Craig, who of course plays James Bond. It’s always a solid idea to make plans for a year from now with a girl you just started dating. What could possibly go wrong. (the sun)

AMERICAN IDOL – had it’s season 10 premiere last night, with Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler as new judges, and overall it’s getting pretty good reviews. Especially from Tyler, who found a way to meet new teen pussy. (la times)

ANNALYNNE MCCORD – played with a full bred wolf on the set of 90210 yesterday. Did he kiss her, then roll on his back and spread his legs? Of course he did. Wouldn’t you? (pacific coast)

at least Charlie Sheen can count on Jim Norton

By brendon January 20, 2011 @ 10:07 AM

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If not for the out of control drug addiction, paranoia, violence and crime sprees, Charlie Sheen would be pretty cool. Or at least fun to hang out with. The trick is block out everything else and focus all your attention on the prostitutes and whores.

Luckily that’s what Jim Norton of the Opie and Anthony show is best at, as proven once again in todays New York Post

“As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.”

I should probably stop having Jim Norton quotes on the page, at least in the morning, because let’s not kid each other, it’s all downhill from here. If this were a relay race, he’d have taken the lead, handed me the baton, my pants would fall down, I’d drop the baton, trip, and somehow have it go right up my ass when I fell down.