Friday headlines, with female empowerment

By brendon June 24, 2011 @ 3:14 PM

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KATY PERRY – will tie Michael Jacksons record if her 5th single off ‘Teenage Dream’ goes to number 1 like the other 4 have. And also if she gets two dozen little boys drunk and blows them. (mtv)

CARS 2 – is the worst reviewed Pixar movie ever, and not coincidentally they’ve now unveiled the characters for ‘Brave’, their first movie with a female protagonist. So I guess it’s about girl problems, like when there are no tampons in the ladies room. (joblo)

THE SUPERMAN REBOOT – will have Julia Ormond joining Russell Crowe as Supermans parents on Krypton before it explodes. Because this will tell the Superman origin story. Yet again. Otherwise no one would know what was going on. “There’s a new director now, so naturally I assumed the character would be completely different,” audiences will no doubt say to one another. “By showing me what I already know and saw in two other movies, I’m now reassured that Superman is still exactly the same as always. And it was great. I enjoy watching the same story over and over and over again. I’m like a fucking toddler.” (deadline)

MEN IN BLACK 3 – will cost $215 million, mostly because Will Smith is a pain in the ass. (the wrap)

JERSEY SHORE – will have an all new cast next year. Either that or they won’t, because MTV is denying these reports. As if they could ever find 8 more drunk Italians in New Jersey. (hollywood reporter)

PETER FALK – died “peacefully at his Beverly Hills home” last night at the age of 83, according to his family. But maybe their story comes unraveled if the detective says there’s “Just one more thing…” right before leaving. It can’t hurt to try. (ew)

PAZ DE LA HUERTA – walked around NYC on the phone. Presumably with someone asking what her tits felt like. (inf)

Usher wants Pippa Middleton to model lingerie

By brendon June 24, 2011 @ 1:34 PM

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Pippa Middleton became world famous when she and her ass upstaged her sisters wedding to Prince William, and now Usher, who has a line of lingerie coming out this summer for some reason, tells Look magazine that he wants Pippa to take most of her clothes off so he can take pictures of her. As if that was some original idea no one else had thought of.

“I don’t think there’s a more beautiful, more stunning, more talked-about woman in the world at the moment.”
“I’m going to be approaching her in the next few weeks and setting up a meeting this summer.”
“The great thing about her is that she would be a global brand. Everybody knows her now, she would be perfect. I am sure everybody is trying to sign her up and she won’t be cheap, but she has the looks and the popularity to really establish a new product.”

And I bet he’s saying that without even having seen these pictures of her in a bikini. And then taking off her bikini top and kind of showing some side boob.

Just for the record, everything that happened between me and these pictures was completely consensual.

Claudia Schiffer is a fatty

By brendon June 24, 2011 @ 12:50 PM

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Claudia Schiffer, whose husband Matthew Vaughn may or may not have gotten January Jones pregnant while they were making ‘X-Men: First Class’, dropped their kids off at school this morning in London, and the reason she looks so sad is because the other kids taunted her with “fatty fat fat fat” as she left. And rightfully so. But things got better after that when she showed Obi Wan how the clone army was made. “Very impressive,” he exclaimed!

Elizabeth Berkley + bikini = terrified shrieking

By brendon June 24, 2011 @ 10:57 AM

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Good news for Kirstie Alley, because Elizabeth Berkley wore a bikini in Hawaii yesterday, and now Kirstie no longer has the worst body to ever be on the internet. And she and her husband must know it because they’re having the same reaction I am. At first I was like, “hmm, hey, what is this?” And then I was like, “uuuhhh, uuuhh, oh my god WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!”

These could have just as easily been labeled, “The only known photos of Bigfoot in a bikini” and it never even would have crossed my mind that maybe they weren’t.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Avril Lavigne in a bikini, now with more ass

By brendon June 23, 2011 @ 5:23 PM

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Avril Lavigne spent a second day on a boat in St. Tropez today, but she was way less annoying this time because she bent over and grabbed her ass a lot. It’s funny how that worked.

(image source = bauer griffin and avril-source.com)

OJ did or did not confess his murders to Oprah

By brendon June 23, 2011 @ 4:41 PM

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Oprah Winfrey said last week that she was determined to interview OJ Simpson and get him to finally confess that he murdered Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman on June 12, 1994.

Well that was easy.

According to the National Enquirer, the interview is set to be filmed after Simpson confessed he killed the pair in self-defense to a producer from inside prison.
“He told the producer: ‘Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defense. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself.’
“O.J. said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage.”
Simpson allegedly told the producer he ‘didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.
‘I went over there to give her a piece of my mind.’
When he arrived and no one answered at the house, he started pounding the door and shouting.
The door allegedly then swung open and Nicole was standing there with a kitchen knife in her hand.
‘O.J. told the producer, “she was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air.
“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.
“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long..”‘
He allegedly went on to tell the producer he also knifed Ron Goldman in self-defense as he tried to attack Simpson when he turned up at the home soon after and spotted Nicole’s body on the floor.

Unfortunately, today a spokesperson for Oprah said, “It’s not true.”

So does that mean OJ didn’t tell her producer this? Or are certain parts not true, and she’s pouting and issuing this blanket denial because the Enquirer got the details out before she did.

Because it sounds true. That story had a lot of details, and it totally sounds dumb enough for OJ to have thought up. According to the autopsy, the wound that killed Nicole was, “gaping and exposes the larynx and cervical vertebral column. It measures 5 1/2 x 2 1/2 inches.” In other words he damn near chopped her head off. The only time you can chop someones head off in self defense is if you’re a Jedi.

Lindsay Lohan walks AGAIN, will not go to jail

By brendon June 23, 2011 @ 2:35 PM

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Moments ago, at 11:33am pct, Lindsay Lohan walked out of a court room yet again, despite violating her probation by failing an alcohol test. The judge ruled that the failed test was not enough to send her to jail, and that the defendant is given the benefit of the doubt if there’s any ambiguity. The ambiguity in this case being whether or not drinking was in fact a violation.

On June 2nd, the Sheriffs Department told the LA Times that, while under house arrest, “Lohan is allowed visitors but cannot consume alcohol or narcotics and is subject to random tests.”

Yet now TMZ is saying that todays judge ruled the prior judge only required Lindsay to be tested for drugs, not alcohol, and that’s why she walked.

None of which changes the fact that Lindsay lies constantly, and just 24 hours ago was quoted as saying she’s sober now and, “alcohol is not in my house.” In hindsight she was probably just hinting that she was empty to see if the reporter would go to the store for her.

Thursday headlines, with romance and danger!

By brendon June 23, 2011 @ 2:19 PM

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LINDSAY LOHANS PUBLICIST- is upset that someone sold a picture of an open wine bottle at Lindsays house because he would have paid more for it and her current drinking, “never would have been an issue.” Because if I can’t see the problem, there is no problem. That’s what I tell girls when they claim I got them pregnant too. (e!)

EMMA STONE AND ANDREW GARFIELD - are now dating. I bet she made him lasagna. (ny post)

DANIEL RADCLIFF – is on Broadway these days starring in ‘How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying’, but last nights performance was cancelled because a 29-year-old stagehand died of cardiac arrest, the result of a drug overdose, right before the curtain went up. He should have asked Daniel about that Horcrux thing. (ny times)

MATT LAUER – flew from NY to LA on Tuesday to interview Lindsay Lohan, but then she locked herself in her bedroom and refused to do the interview she already agreed to for less than $100,000. This must be some of that dedication to hard work she’s so committed to now. (page six)

ALYSSA CAMPANELLA – is in New York doing promotion this week, which is nice because I keep forgetting that our current Miss USA is a hot ass ginger. Fuck you, Canada! (splash and wenn)