Katy Perry was the hottest one at last nights VMA’s, but mostly because, as always, no one else really tried. But her evening of triumph got off to a bad start when the guy in the Moonman costume tried to punch her in the face.
My exclusive sources tell me it was because Katy didn’t know he was black, and she throws around the N word like you would not believe. Everything is N word this and N word that. And she leaned in to the Moonman and said, “Man what’s with all the (N words) around here, ya know? Is there a parole board in there? Did a grape soda truck break down?”
I haven’t confirmed this, so I’m not entirely sure if it’s true, but I feel like we should tell everyone it is anyway, just in case. There’s no place in this world for monsters like Katy Perry. And if I’m wrong, hey, no harm done.
Lindsay Lohan made a special appearance last night during the intro for the VMA’s, and her acting in this sketch should answer a lot of her skeptics. If anyone has been claiming she can’t stand awkwardly in a hallway and add nothing to a joke, they’ve got some apologizing to do.
MTV continues to schedule the VMA’s on the same Sunday as week 1 of the NFL, and I mention that as my way of asking, “Anyone know what happened at the VMA’s?” Because that shit is boring and I didn’t watch it.
According to Us magazine, the winner for Video of the Year was Lady Gaga for ‘Bad Romance’. All the experts were wondering if she could beat out the other 4 other videos that no one ever saw or knew existed, and she did! What a moment!
But the real headline was that Gaga wore a shocking outfit. I know, right, can you believe it? A dress made out of meat? You could have knocked me down with a feather I was so shocked. I spent the last 20 minutes walking around the room with my hands over my head, trying to catch my breath.
Lindsay Lohans downward spiral all began when she started dyeing her hair blond, even though girls with red hair and big tits are the second best kind of girl, only behind Asian girls with big tits. If I dated an Asian girl with big tits and red hair, after a few weeks she would honestly start to suspect that my dick was made out of some kind of stone.
Point being, maybe it’s a good sign that Lindsay was in Santa Monica today, and her hair was red and lovely. Or maybe it’s not, maybe she’s about to go on another crime spree and this is part of her disguise. To be honest, both seem equally likely.
Are you ready for the answer? It’s pretty unexpected so brace yourself.
It’s Britney. Spears.
Oh, I know, right? She went to a Johnny Rockets in Calabasas yesterday, which is strange because you would assume she would still be at the hair salon. Until they finished her extensions. And there wasn’t huge chunks missing. I’ve done cleaner haircuts on people who were passed out drunk and I was scared of waking them up.
Let me get this straight: Jessica Simpson, who has doubled in size since June, pulled her hair back, put on a saggy dress, then looked in a mirror and said, “Nice. Okay. We’re done here, this is it. I’m going to a fashion show, that will be on TV, and have lots of photographers, and I’m going dressed like this. Look out New York, here I come!”
That can’t really be what happened, can it? There’s no fukcing way that happened, right?
Halle Berry has been seen a lot with ex boyfriend Gabriel Aubry lately, which sort of makes sense since they dated for 4 years and had a little girl together in 2008, but since they broke up in April, she hasn’t had much of a social life. “Will this gorgeous millionaire with big tits ever find love again,” I fretted.
Yes, as it very surprisingly turns out. With a French guy named Oliver Martinez. Hey People magazine, who is Oliver Martinez?
Never married, Martinez has been romantically involved with a number of beautiful women, including Juliette Binoche, Kylie Minogue, Mira Sorvino and now, apparently, Berry. Earlier this year, British papers reported Martinez was seeing Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
So he’s nailed a ton of beautiful women and he’s a French?! Oh I simply adore him! Maybe if we met he could insist I refer to him only as “The Baron” to be even more likable.
Lisa Marie Presley landed in a heap on the stairs to her London hotel, but to be fair, she was incredibly drunk. Based on my experience with dozens of stoned suburban white girls, it’s safe to say they’re not natural climbers. I have one of those Scooby Doo levers that turns my stairs into a slide anyway, to make sure they can’t get out, but I don’t need it to be honest. It’s fun though. You should see how surprised they look!