Lindsay is staying in rehab. Voluntarily.

By brendon January 03, 2011 @ 2:08 PM

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Lindsay Lohan was court ordered to stay in rehab until January 3rd, so she could leave today if she wanted too, but for some reason, probably because she’s still negotiating with the paparazzi for her first pictures, she now claims she’ll stay another week. TMZ says…

we’re told she may stay until the weekend to get additional treatment.
Sources tell us Lindsay is taking precautions before reentering day-to-day life, and is talking with people at the Betty Ford Center about reentering the residential day treatment program until Saturday.
Maybe this time it’s working …

Yeah that must be it. It’s because she’s so serious about rehab. She’s been in there since October 22nd but she needs one more week. It’s not because she wants to turn this into a bigger story, because there was no buildup to her release because of the holiday. Oh no, not at all. It’s because Lindsay Fucking Lohan, who two weeks ago was violating probation because she was in a bar, is serious about rehab. If you threw an ounce of coke in the middle of the street right now she would dive between the cars and then rape it.

prepare to fall in love: Jennifer Love Chewitt is in a bikini

By brendon January 03, 2011 @ 12:22 PM

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Jennifer Love Hewitt spent New Years Eve in Hawaii with her easily impressed boyfriend Alex Beh, and the picture source said he was “hanging out on a waterproof bean bag”. I assume they mean these things in the river and not Hewitt, because, though accurate, they should really be more professional than to describe Hewitt as a “waterproof bean bag”. Come on, you guys.

(source = bauer griffin)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon January 03, 2011 @ 10:39 AM

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PETE POSTLEHWAITE – died last night, from cancer. He was 64, and made his career by looking 64 for the past 20 years while being the best actor in movies like the Usual Suspects, Inception, and the Town. Called “the best actor in the world” by Steven Spielberg, he gave a movie credibility and made at least part of it good. I’ll get you for this cancer! (people)

LINDSAY LOHAN – gets out of rehab today, and this time will be totally different from the other 90 times she’s broken the law or gone to rehab or both. This time she even went to Whole Foods and read a magnet, then posted it on twitter. “The future depends on what we do in the present.” Oh shit. She’s so different now. If she tweets the Emerson one about what lies inside of me, I’ll vote for her to be President of Earth. She’s an amazing woman now!!! (huff post)

DAVID ARQUETTE - has entered rehab for addiction to alcohol and depression. Looks like someone didn’t read Lindsays magnet. (e!)

SITE NEWS – OK I’ve clearly been lazy as hell lately. Actually that’s not true, I’ve been working on other stuff for the site, but either way the page has been slow for a few weeks and I apologize. But that’s wrapped up, for the most part, and I still have some stuff to catch up on, like the top 100, but now the page will be back to normal. Which means mediocre. Honestly if I were you I’d go watch some TV or something. Have you seen Nikita. That’s a good show. And they put Maggie Q in yoga pants a lot. I would go watch that if I were you.

the top 100 stories of 2010 (50-59)

By brendon December 31, 2010 @ 3:27 PM

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59. HAYLIE DUFF – got huge implants. Was this really one of the biggest stories of the year? Probably not, no, I just really like girls with big tits. (April 1st)

58. INCEPTION – has a striking number of similarities to a Scrooge McDuck comic from 2002, the same year Christopher Nolan began writing the screenplay. Some say Nolan stole the idea, but maybe the writers of Scrooge McDuck stole the idea from Nolans dreams. Oh I know right? Shit just got real, bro. (August 3rd)

57. DARREN ARONOFSKY – is one of the very best directors alive, and he might win an Oscar for Black Swan, and yet his next movie will be the sequel to Wolverine. He could have said he was gonna start taking senior portraits and it wouldn’t have been more surprising. (October 18th)

56. SARAH JESSICA PARKER – was this years Madonna, meaning she’s an old lady who thinks it’s hot if you can see her tendons. And she’s right. Guys love girls who look like trees. (April 21st)

55. LINDSAY LOHAN – got punched in the face by a waitress, and although she didn’t inflict much damage, it’s the thought that counts. (July 2nd)

54. CHRISTINA AGUILERA – divorced her husband Jordan Bratman, a story that would have been higher on the list but she’s not pretty any more and so now she has no value. (October 12th)

53. JULIA ROBERTS – is the most beautiful person in the world, according to People. And you can see why. I would say not just this world, but the whole galaxy, and heaven too. (April 28th)

52. SNOOKI – had naked pictures for sale, but someone told me it wasn’t Snooki at all and since the pictures never materialized, I’m inclined to think that person was right. You can tell it’s not Snooki because she’s on all fours but not scooching her ass across the carpet. (February 12th, February 15th)

51. KENDRA WILKINSON – released a sex tape, but only after lying, poorly, time and time again about where it came from and how it got released. You really need to know your limits in life. If you’re dumb, let someone else think up the plans. (May 5th, May 6th)

50. MILEY CYRUS – wore a bikini a lot. You know that saying, “practice makes perfect”? Not always true as it turns out. (May 24th, May 25th)

Katy Perry is a natural beauty

By brendon December 31, 2010 @ 9:32 AM

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Russel Brand tweeted this picture yesterday of Katy Perry with no makeup, right after she woke up, and even though he quickly took it down, that’s not how the Internet works, so now it’s here forever. To be honest, if I married a girl who, without photoshop, looks like Keith Olberman, I probably would have kept that little secret to myself.

the top 100 stories of 2010 (60-69)

By brendon December 30, 2010 @ 7:55 PM

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69. FIFTY CENT – lost 54 pounds, going from 214 to 160, to play a football player with cancer in a movie. I bet Jerrod Johnson wishes he had cancer. LSU is gonna beat the shit out of that guy in ten days. (May 27th)

68. LINDSAY LOHAN – sued E-Trade for $100,000,000 because they had a boyfriend stealing baby named Lindsay in a commercial. She ended up settling out of court for an undisclosed sum. Which probably means $0. Because other people are allowed to have the name Lindsay too. I looked it up. (March 9th)

67. SEAN PENN – lied about his heroics in Haiti some more, because actually doing that shit is dangerous. (March 5th)

66. GERARD BUTLER – went to Rio and nailed a bunch of whores, 10 days after Jennifer Aniston was on Access Hollywood insinuating that he was her boyfriend. He would have cheated faster but Rio is pretty far. (February 17th)

65. HILARY DUFF – got engaged to NHL player Mike Comrie, and she was so excited she couldn’t even speak. She also couldn’t speak because there was a dick in her mouth. (February 23rd)

64. LADY GAGA – flashed her vagina on stage at the UK version of the Grammys. I’m pleasantly surprised there isn’t some kind of snapping beak down there. (February 17th)

63. LADY GAGA – fell down. Because she wears those dumb outfits with 20 inch heels. “The bad news is that she didn’t do it at the top of some stairs.” (June 23rd)

62. JEREMY RENNER – is a great actor who had a great year with Hurt Locker, The Town and Mission Impossible 4, but after a rumored date with Jessica Simpson, some started to whisper that he’s actually gay. Which is maybe not the most flattering thing in the world if you’re Jessica Simpson. (March 11th)

61. JIMMY KIMMEL – went on the Jay Leno show and ripped him from neck to nuts, because he mistakenly thought Leno was a comedian and might have some funny barbs to fight back with. Nope. (January 15th)

60. JESSICA ALBA – sort of flashed her hot little ass during a photo shoot. Sort of seems like this would have been a better photo shoot, doesn’t it? (August 27th)

Salma Hayek is in a bikini

By brendon December 30, 2010 @ 2:24 PM

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More than anything else, the internet has taught me that Latin girls do anal. But second more than anything else, the internet has taught me that famous Hollywood stars are rarely as attractive as they appear in the media. Case in point: Salma Hayek, seen here in St Barts with her daughter Valentina, who is alreadWHAAAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT GIRLS HEAD. Whhyy, why is it so big? Is she sick or something? Why is it that big? Holy Christ, Salmas vag must look like the porthole on a ship.

(source = bauer griffin)

Chris Brown is making exciting new friends

By brendon December 30, 2010 @ 11:51 AM

Last night, Raz B, a singer who used to be a member of the group B2K, was sittin there thinking, how can niggas like Eric Benet and Chris Brown disrespect women as Intelligent as Halle Berry and Rihanna. And so he tweeted…

“Im just sittin here Thinking how can niggas like @ebenet & @ChrisBrown disrespect women as Intelligent as @HalleBerry11 @Rihanna”

Which got Chris Browns attention. Knowing that Raz had been molested by B2K’s manager at one point, Brown replied…

“nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy.”

“Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won’t complaining about getting butplugged!” #homothug!!!

Now enter Raz’s brother, a guy who would sound a lot scarier if he didn’t call himself Ricky Romance and make videos with commercials about how to make the holidays even happier loudly interrupting his tough guy theatrics. He made a video and said…

“If I see you in LA my dude, Im’a put my mother fuckin pistol in your mouth dude, I promise you. All right, so make sure you keep them tweets to yourself my nigga, and make sure you apologize.”

At this point the death threat is interrupted to announce great holiday deals from Honda, the car company with the highest owner loyalty.

“Chris Brown step your game up my homeboy. When I see you my nigga I will smack you in your mouth nigga, beat you up drag you down the street and treat you like a little bitch my nigga. This aint no mother fuckin games homeboy. You aint welcome in LA and if I catch you alone, watch what Im’a do to you.”

Do people really still say “homeboy”? I don’t think they do. It’s like I’m being threatened by DJ Jazzy Jeff.