HAHAHA, YOU SUCK LAUREN CONRAD

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 2:51 PM

If you don’t know who Christiano Ronaldo is, just imagine a Portuguese version of David Beckham.  But not Beckham now, Beckham 10 years ago, when he was the most famous person in the world and still single.  Needless to say a guy like that is gonna nail tons of hot ass, and he doesn’t have time for idiot nobody's like Lauren Conrad.  The Daily Mail says…

Lauren, 22, who stars on MTV's popular reality TV show The Hills, was devastated when the Manchester United player refused to pose with her for a picture.
The brush-off happened in the early hours of Thursday morning at trendy LA hotspot Kress, sources tell MailOnline exclusively.
A fellow party-goer revealed: 'Cristiano was in with his friends, enjoying the music and chilling out in the corner of the club.
'Lauren approached him and asked for a picture of them to be taken. But he just blew her off and refused.
'Cristiano turned to his friend and said in his heavy Portugese accent: 'Who is this woman?'
'Lauren was mortified. She told her friends she couldn't believe he'd talk to her like that. Worse still, she couldn't believe he didn't know who she is.
'She walked away in a really bad mood.'

This is awesome.  The only way this could have been better is if instead of walking away he sealed her in an aluminum trash can and threw a bunch of bottle rockets in there.  Other than that, he kicked her ass quite nicely.  Kudos to you, sir.

AMY WINEHOUSE IS DOING GREAT

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 1:28 PM

Right around June 16th, Amy Winehosue began an 8 day stay in the hospital for ahem fainting.  She was warned if she kept drinking and smoking and doing drugs at the pace she was on, shed be dead in a year.  And so Amy listened intently, then walked out of the hospital and had a cigarette (here).  Then three days later she had a few drinks (here).  Now, as if there was any doubt, the circle is complete, as Bauer Griffin has pictures of Amy smoking what is undoubtedly weed.  
More importantly, it looks as if she’s de-evolved at least a thousand years.  She barely even looks human anymore.  Look at her lurching around London last night, like something from caveman times.  We’re a week away from her eating leaves and taking a dump in her hand and then throwing it at the paparazzi.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 11:46 AM

Brooke Hogan is annoying and dumb as a post and a spoiled little brat, and her thighs are fat and her ass is fat and her neck is fat and her hair looks damaged and she has bad skin, and also she can't sing, can't act, her family sucks and she looks exactly like Aaron Carter, but she does have big tits, and women are just more bearable when they have big tits.  It’s like a law of physics or something.

SIENNA MILLER IS NOT BUSHY ENOUGH

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 7:10 AM

Remember these pictures?  If not look at them because that's what this post is about, since the Daily Mirror says these scenes from the movie "Hippie Hippie Shake" will be digitally enhanced because Sienna Millers landing strip doesn’t reflect the grooming of the 60’s.  Except they say it way more cringe inducingly…

Gird your loins for the next hair-raising installment – Sienna Miller and the magical growing muff!
Yep, the stunning actress found herself on the horns of a prickly dilemma during post-production of her latest movie Hippie Hippie Shake.
"The film is set in the swinging 60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder," says our studio mole.
"Sienna was an absolute star throughout filming and her performance was flawless.
"The only slight problem being that she's very much a girl of the Noughties – and this extends to her personal upkeep.
"Unfortunately, Brazilians weren't common in the 60s and Sienna's part involved one or two nude scenes – meaning that her grooming habits were on full display.
"A merkin or pubic wig simply wouldn't have done the trick, but luckily computer wizardry came to the rescue.
"Sienna's private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush.”

Unruly and loud?  Jesus they make it sound like it’s going to attack me.  It’s a vagina, not a bear.  If I was with a girl and she took her pants off and I saw what they’re describing, I would start hitting it with my shoe.

THEY HAD IN VITRO?

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 7:07 AM

US Weekly is breaking the news right now that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie turned to in vitro fertilization to conceive their newly born twins, Knox and Vivienne.  IVF is typically used when a couple has trouble conceiving, but in this case Us says Brad and Angie just wanted to speed things up.

"They conceived through in vitro fertilization," a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon."
The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina's age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent. Says Dr. Arthur Wisot of L.A.'s Reproductive Medical Group (who did not treat the couple), "We live in an era of reproductive freedom, so anybody can do anything they want within legal limits."
The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so "she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant," the source tells Us. "She could just knock it out."

I can sort of understand if Brad couldn’t get her pregnant again because the temptation to finish with a money shot on Angelina Jolie would be about overwhelming.  I would practice by shooting tin cans off a fence just so I could draw an exclamation point or smiley face or something like that.  Why not have fun with it, I say.

BALES SISTER WANTED 200,000 DOLLARS

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 5:31 AM

There’s little doubt what side the London tabloids are taking in the Christian Bale assault drama, as just about every story for the last few days has made Bale look temperamental but certainly not crazy.  The Sun UK does their part today and claims the fight started when his sister asked to borrow 200,000 dollars and Christian refused.  The Sun says…

Legal sources said sister Sharon needed £100,000 to help her bring up her three children.
They said Bale, 34, snubbed the plea and a row flared in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel in London’s West End.
sources said Jenny (Bales mom) inflamed the situation by hurling insults about his wife Sibi, 38.
Sharon and Jenny, a part-time clown from Bournemouth, left the hotel on Monday morning and, on the way to their Dorset home, stopped at a Hampshire police station and reported Bale for assault.
He was arrested when he attended Belgravia police station, Central London, on Tuesday.
Sharon, who works in computer programming, has two daughters — aged ten and 12 — from a previous marriage and a baby from a new relationship.

If I were Bale I’d be annoyed that my computer programming sister asked to borrow $200,000.  Really?  "Borrow"?  How many lines of code do you have to write to get 200k?  He has a better chance of getting the money from a wish granting fairy.



NICK HOGAN IS SET FOR NIGHTS OF PASSION

By brendon July 23, 2008 @ 3:34 PM

I totally missed this last night and I was hoping for an update today, but so far nothing yet.  Anyway, as you may have heard, Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday, meaning he can then be moved from his cushy juvenile facility to a full fledged, hardcore, sodomy-filled prison. TMZ describes it as…

It's an open dormitory type of setting where he'll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

They say the only reason this might not happen is if it’s blocked by the judge or sheriff for concerns over his safety, but I’ve seen plenty of movies where the delicate blond gets pounded in the ass on the same day they turn 18, and they seem to love it, so I don’t see what the problem would be.

HOW?

By brendon July 23, 2008 @ 1:58 PM

Kim Kardashians ass (better copy of this pic here) must go back at least 9 inches.  No wonder she only dates black guys.  They're the only ones who can reach if she wants to get fucked from behind.  I've yet to see any official documentation that proves she isn't a centaur.