average girl + photoshop = Scarlett Johansson!

By brendon June 16, 2011 @ 11:33 AM

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Scarlett Johansson has done another ad campaign for whatever the hell Mango is, and considering how she looks in real life, in spandex or with no makeup, as compared to how toned and beautiful she looks here, it better work. Because with all the effort and technology it must have taken to make her look this way, these pictures had to cost like 4 million dollars each.

Crystal Harris is a complete bitch

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 4:55 PM

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It’s hardly surprising that a 25-year-old model had ulterior motives when she got engaged to an 85-year-old media baron, but what is surprising is how far Crystal Harris was planning to go when it came to using Hugh Hefner (who, as you can tell by what would have been next months cover, had no idea what was coming).

Not only did she call off her engagement the same day that she released the first single off her debut record, and the same day she had a video go up on Funny or Die, and not only was she cheating on Hef with Dr. Phils son, but she was even shopping an interview to take place after she carried out her original break-up plan, which was to leave Hef at the alter.

Crystal Harris secretly planned to ditch the Playboy mogul at the altar in return for a $500,000 media deal, Page Six has learned.
Harris was shopping for a big-bucks deal to tell all after she ditched hapless Hef in front of 300 guests at their wedding at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday, to be filmed for a Lifetime TV special.
A source told us, “Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.”

Wow. There’s cold and then there’s cold and then there’s this whore. I would try to shoot her but the evil bitch would probably just raise her arms and transform into a column of rats and then scurry away.

Christie Brinkley could use a little color

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 4:10 PM

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Christie Brinkley stopped to sign some autographs last night after seeing ‘Chicago’ on Broadway, and it turns out she was recently in a science accident that turned her invisible and now she has to paint on a face of pure makeup so people can see her. Tyler Exclusive!

(image source = splash news)

Samuel L. Jackson says its motherfuckin bedtime

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 3:13 PM

‘Go The Fuck To Sleep’ is a bedtime story for children as told by someone who’s had it with this bullshit, and now it’s an audio book read by Samuel L. Jackson. So if you know what’s good for you, you little bastards will wash away your cares and drift away to dreamland, this instant, before you get a foot up your ass.

Vanessa Hudgens is being wasted

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 2:31 PM

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Vanessa Hudgens has taken some more pictures for irons a dairy Candies, who hopefully wanted pictures that were unsexy and unflattering, but also filled with random clutter and distracting props. “Let’s take the fantasy of a hot girlfriend doing housework mostly naked, but in a way so that it’s obvious she’s not really doing it, and actually is just on some shitty, hastily thrown together set.”

Mission accomplished, Candies!

someone tried to murder Joss Stone

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 1:07 PM

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Murder in England sounds really complicated, because police have arrested two men who were reportedly plotting to kill Joss Stone. With swords. She’s safe now but an APB has been issued for Captain Hook and Prince Humperdinck.

Two men have been arrested near Joss Stone’s home on suspicion of conspiracy to rob and murder, after reportedly being found in a car with swords, rope, a body bag, plans of her house (and) maps and aerial photos of her property.
…the men were arrested Monday morning near Stone’s house after residents reported a suspicious-looking vehicle.
Stone said in a statement that she was “absolutely fine and getting on with life as normal” as police faced a deadline to charge or release the suspects.

That map of her house was maybe the sort of thing they should have just memorized. You could maybe, maybe, bullshit your way around the swords and body bag, but not when they’re underneath a blueprint of the house your parked outside of. They might as well have had pictures of her with tomorrows date and X’s for eyes drawn over it.

Natalie Portman gave birth

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 10:34 AM

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Wait, was she pregnant? Because you could barely even tell.

The actress and fiancé Benjamin Millepied have welcomed a son, PEOPLE has exclusively learned.
Portman, 30, met choreographer Millepied on the set of Black Swan, for which she later won an Oscar for Best Actress.

And that’s basically the entire article. As you can tell, details are scarce right now. But, whatever, I’m just glad this is over. Pregnant women are so fucking gross. Remember back in Victorian times when some girl would get pregnant out of wedlock and her family would send her away for 8 months to have the baby and then she’d just come back like that shit never happened? We should start doing that again. What was wrong with that?

Tuesday headlines, with the return of Blake Lively

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 3:41 PM

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TRACY MORGAN – was so upset that he cried during his interview with Russell Simmons, according to Simmons. Wait, he cried? Hahaha, no way! Just like a little fa… oh, umm… ne-never mind. (popeater)

HUGH HEFNER – was supposed to get married to Playmate Crystal Harris in just 5 days (he’s 85 and she’s 25, btw), but he went on twitter today and wrote, “The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart.” Now replace the word “Crystal” with the word “Hugh” and “heart” with “diaper”. There’s your explanation. (e!)

BLAKE LIVELY – wore this sexy little dress this morning on ‘Today’ and ‘Regis and Kelly’ to promote ‘The Green Lantern’, which opens Friday, and what I wouldn’t give to get a look under that. I bet she’s… oh hey wait. Ok I gotta go. l’ll catch up to you guys later. (splash news, inf)