If you had told me five years ago that the then brand new Tyra Banks talk show would still be around in 2009, I would have punched you in the stomach then tattled on you for being mean to me. But there she was today, showing off her “real hair” while her studio audience of unemployed loners hooted and hollered as if something were actually happening.
Presumably this episode talked about how women can look good naturally, although you’re forgiven if you missed that point because naturally Tyra looks like complete fucking hell. No one tipped the camera on its side so it could fit her entire forehead into the shot, so depending on what weird face she’s making, she either looks like a Klingon or some kind of light bulb character you might see in a commercial for the electric company.
I’ve always thought Milla Jovovich was insanely gorgeous, and anyone who sees these pictures from the Fall issue of ‘Purple’ magazine will undoubtedly agree. I’ll never understand how a hack like Paul Anderson tricked her into marriage. I guess his plan for hitting on her was cooler than mine, which was to ask her out and when she said no, stand there and nod and act like it was no big deal until my bottom lip started to quiver and then curl up on the floor and whimper.
(all the pix on the other side for obvious naked reasons)
HANDSOME MAN ALERT – Alan Dale Lee was arrested in Pasco County, Florida this weekend for stabbing a man in the stomach with a knife. The key to surviving prison is to stay under the radar. Don’t stand out. In other words, goodbye Alan. (splash)
THE HOBBIT – New Line Cinema, who made ‘the Lord of the Rings’ movies, has settled a lawsuit with the estate of JRR Tolkien claiming they were owed over 150M. The suit would have blocked the studio from making two more movies based on Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’. I guess the family took the hint when I dressed up as Gandolph and called their house and said, “drop thy legal shields or thou’ist are dead.” And then I waved my wand over the phone and added, “WAAAJAAAA!” (reuters)
HOLLYWOOD – The major studios made rang up 5 billion dollars in tickets sales this summer, with the ‘Transformers’ sequel the top earner at just over 400M. It’s the most popular thing that sucks since Lindsay Lohan. (variety)
LINDSAY LOHAN – Speaking of, they call this a “camel-toe alert” but that seems understated. It’s more like she has an invisible hand down her pants. (mirror UK)
It’s easy to forget that Mira Sorvino has an Academy Award because her career has gone to hell, but parts of her looked awesome last night as she walked the red carpet for the 35th American Film Festival in Deauville, France with her husband, who went dressed as Jacob Dylan in 1999. If she needs a good comeback movie, I have a screenplay she’d be perfect for. It’s called, “Mira Sorvino Takes A Shower And Repeatedly Lathers Up Then Rinses Off Her Huge Breasts”.
Kate used to dress Jon up in lipstick and pink shirts and little sweaters (here), and then yell at him all day, and surprisingly this lead to him losing his mind and leaving her. She’s done an interview with anyone who will listen all summer, but he hasn’t sat down with anyone yet, presumably because who cares when there’s some strange young girl putting her hand down your pants. But today Good Morning America got him one-on-one (full interview here), and he confirmed what every guy on earth already assumed: Kate sucks and he can’t even stand to be near her.
“We film (the show) separately. She has her film crew. And I have my film crew. But I can’t sit on the sofa with that woman. I can’t sit on someone right now that I despise.”
I assume he means “sit next to someone I despise”, because sitting on someone you despise actually sounds pretty cathartic. Especially if you just had a bunch of dried fruit and a Coke. TLC should film an episode like that. Look Kate, do you want big ratings or not?
Gwyneth Paltrow and her kids were in Barcelona over the weekend, so look for one of her future “advice” columns to be, “go to Barcelona. It’s so charming.” As if no one had ever thought of that shit before and the reason we haven’t been vacationing there is because we were waiting for it to be Gwyneth Approved.
Her boobs seem to hate her as much as the rest of us because one of them tried to make a break for it before they all got trapped together on a plane. Luckily for everyone with eyes she was wearing a nude-colored bra, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to hear the security guards instructions over all the terrified screaming.
Eva Mendes stars with Nic Cage in the sequel to ‘Bad Lieutenant’, and as always she looked terrific at it’s Venice premier last night. It didn’t hurt that she occasionally flicked her tongue at the photographers, as if giving the paparazzi erections would make them take better pictures. It won’t. Considering several kids movies are also premiering at this festival, all it probably does is get them arrested.
Italian actress Sara Tommasi walked the red carpet for the Venice Film Festival last night, but much more importantly she spent the day before walking around in a top that was completely over-matched as it tried to hold down her awesome tits. Later these pictures would be used as evidence in my trial with her attorney labeling me as a “sexual predator”.