Tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon August 31, 2010 @ 1:59 PM

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NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER – but they can put her in a dress with big ruffles, because Jennifer Grey will be a contestant on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, along with Brandy, Florence Henderson, Audrina Patridge, and Bristol Palin. The men will be Kurt Warner, David Hasselhoff, The Situation, Michael Bolton, Kyle Massey, Rick Fox and Margaret Cho. Remember, mini dresses can set the dance floor ablaze in hot red tones or shades of pink or purple. They’ll make heads turn and add pizzazz to your performance. That tip goes for the fellas too, since I now assume you’re all gay. (la times)

JOHN CUSACK – was asked about the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, and he wrote, “I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES (OF) DICK ARMEY AND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS”. Because those people are against the mosque, and Cusack believes in free expression. Unless you disagree with him, in which case he’ll advocate murdering you. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. (twitter)

JESSICA SIMPSON – is flaunting “her voluptuous figure” in these pictures, according to the Daily Mail. I don’t know what it said after that though because I opened two pictures of Jessica at once and my monitor fell through the table. (daily mail)

Demi Moore is a good dancer

By brendon August 31, 2010 @ 12:41 PM

Demi Moore and her way cool husband Ashton Kutcher were on stage at a Snoop Dog concert in Vegas Friday night (good luck figuring out which race should be more embarrassed by that statement), and while Ashton sat and pantomimed, “I’m a jackass with no improv skills” to the crowd, Demi did a sexy dance for Snoop.

Even though she looks good for her age, her age is 47. Did you ever go to a dance in junior high and have the chaperon and teachers start dancing too? This was like that, except worse because at least the dance would have had my incredible mix CD. Savage Garden, Aqua, Smash Mouth – they’re all here, in one amazing collection!

Gemma Arterton is in a bikini, hard to impress

By brendon August 31, 2010 @ 11:15 AM

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Gemma Arterton (English model and actress, star of ‘Quantum of Solace’, ‘Clash of the Titans’, ‘Prince of Persia’) is on vacation with some unworthy big-titted jackass in Italy this week, and if I’m interpreting this right, the key to getting a girl who would normally be way out of your league is to be a boat. Wait. Wait, no. Have a boat. Yeah that makes more sense.

Lindsay Lohan is already breaking the law again

By brendon August 30, 2010 @ 4:13 PM

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This story about Lindsay Lohan running a stop sign because she was racing to a bar this weekend, just 5 days after getting out of rehab, is so full of shocking surprises, you should probably check with your physician before you read it. Fox News says…

Early Sunday morning the just-released-from-rehab star was pulled over by cops after running a red light, X17Online.com reports.
The 24-year-old actress was trying to get to the Chateau Marmont Hotel, the scene of many of her previous late-night shenanigans.
On probation after completing two weeks in jail and court appointed rehab, the star, driving a $150,000 Maserati GranTurismo, with 433 horses under the hood, apparently used a few of those horses to try to put some distance between her and the following paparazzi.
After she was stopped, Lohan was let off with a warning.

That last part should make the people of LA feel nice and safe. The cop pulled over someone with a long and well documented record of reckless driving, who ran a stop sign because it stood between her and a bar, and he couldn’t even be bothered to write her a ticket. Awesome. Maybe he could change out her license plates for some fake ones next time too. She’s a celebrity after all, we can’t have some snitch droppin a dime on her.

Britney Spears is still in a bikini

By brendon August 30, 2010 @ 4:12 PM

Britney Spears And Jason Trawick Hanging Out Poolside In Maui

Britney Spears was still in Hawaii this weekend, and still in a bikini and still with her boyfriend Jason Trawick. And, I guess, her kids are just home somewhere. Hopefully with a nanny. Or just leaving them in the yard works too. They’ll keep coming around if you feed them, so maybe they’ve scurried off by now.

(image source = flynet)

Paris Hilton charged with felony possession of cocaine

By brendon August 30, 2010 @ 2:39 PM

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Paris Hilton was charged with felony possession of cocaine today in Las Vegas, and if convicted, she could face a minimum of one year in jail. This all began Friday night after she was pulled over for suspicion of smoking marijuana, leading police to find .8 grams of cocaine in her purse.

Okay now and try and guess if Paris was undone by good old fashioned police work, or because she’s so fantastically stupid she literally took the cocaine from it’s secure hiding spot and dropped it into the cops hand. The answer may surprise you. (NOTE: It won’t surprise you.)

TMZ says that after being pulled over…

…a crowd (gathered), Hilton said she was “extremely embarrassed” and asked the cop if she could go to the bathroom at the Wynn Hotel.
At the hotel, Paris told the cop she needed lip balm so the cop handed Paris her purse: “As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand.”

The good decision making marathon continued after that when Paris told the cops it wasn’t her purse and she didn’t know about the cocaine, but did admit that all the other stuff in the purse, such as $1300 in cash and credit cards, were hers. Keep in mind when girls go out they usually have some tiny purse that holds only a few small things. But Paris would have you believe this purse was like a top hat in a magic show, you can reach in up to your shoulder, and WHO KNOWS what you’re gonna find in there. Lip balm, cocaine, some doves or a dozen roses, Paris is just as surprised as the rest of us.

the Emmys, as always, were a baffling mess

By brendon August 30, 2010 @ 1:10 PM

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The Hollywood Reporter says the ratings for last nights Emmy Awards were just slightly higher than last year (a 10.0 in 2009, a 10.1 for 2010) which proves that people will watch anything because that show never makes any god damn sense. First of all, everyone always looks like hell. January Jones looked like a fishing lure, and Anna Paquin dressed up like Judge Dredd.

Then on top of that, the winners usually suck, highlighted last night by Jim Parsons winning Best Actor in a Comedy. What they’re saying is that the funniest person on TV this year was a guy on ‘the Big Bang Theory’, and that he was better in a comedy than Larry David or Alec Baldwin, or Adam Scott in ‘Party Down’ or Joel McHale in ‘Community’.

How does someone that simple minded even figure out how to vote? How many ballots were sent before they stopped eating them? It would be like an award for a suspense movie, and ‘the Usual Suspects’ losing to a home movie of someone playing ‘Got Your Nose’ with a toddler. “Where did it go?’, Emmy voters would cry out in disbelief!

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Christina Hendricks was at the Emmys

By brendon August 30, 2010 @ 10:32 AM

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You know how when child molesters go to jail they sometimes castrate them because there’s no way to talk them out of wanting to fuck little kids? To them it’s like the greatest thing in the world, and there’s no amount of therapy to ever ever change that? Well I’m the same way with girls with red hair and big tits. If they were illegal, I’d have lost my nuts 10 years ago after a nationwide manhunt, and the law would be named after my case.

But I just do not get this Christina Hendricks thing.

Yeah, red hair and big tits, but her teeth are weird and she only has big tits because she weighs 200 pounds. Diora Baird is better in every way. Much much prettier, much much better body, and even a better actress. Melissa Archer is better too. The only way Hendricks should ever beat out those two is as a run-stuffer in fantasy football.