thank you kim kardashian

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 6:45 PM


This year, for the first time in his NFL career, Reggie Bush is playing the kind of football that was expected of him when he came out of USC. And now his team, the New Orleans Saints, are in the Super Bowl.

Also this year, Reggies girlfriend Kim Kardashain went from “very pretty” to “my erection is becoming painful”, as you can see in these pictures from a photo shoot that she put on twitter.

Those two things aren’t coincidence. If I were Reggie I’d want to end the game as quickly as possible too, and go up by 90 points in the first half and then rest up. I don’t care how cool your job is, if you get to go home at night and bang Kim Kardashian, your job is an obstacle that needs to be treated as such. Even if your job was head coach for both teams at the Playmate Blowjob Races, you’d still just look at your watch the entire time.

what a sexy show this is

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 6:25 PM

Last night ‘American Idol’ stopped in Dallas, where one of the contestants was a 23-year-old with a whip and wrapped in skin tight leather named Erica Rhodes. She dressed that way because she used to be in the cast of ‘Barney and Friends’, and wanted to show the judges she wasn’t the same sweet little girl they remembered.

Of course the only reason they knew she used to be the sweet little girl they almost certainly didn’t remember was because she told them she was, but now she wasn’t. She wasn’t that thing they never knew about before, and she would prefer to not be compared to that person that they never knew existed in the first place. And then there was a whip cracking sound.

To be honest her plan doesn’t make as much sense if you sit here and analyze it to death.

oprah tore apart jay leno

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 4:53 PM

The only thing Jay Leno has done right for the past year was hiring Jim Norton as the only source of comedy on Lenos comedy show. Other than that his stupid show was about as fun as getting raped by a bear whose penis was on fire. Jay has guessed wrong and fucked up at every turn, and now people have a very justified hatred of him because of it.

His instincts failed him yet again this week when he sat down with Oprah to discuss ‘the Tonight Show’ fiasco. It was the first big interview he’d done, perhaps thinking she would be sympathetic to his plight. Um, it didn’t work, and instead she pounced on him as if he had a chocolate center. You’ll rarely see a fat black woman on TV this determined unless Jesus is involved somehow.

(this is way to awesome too cut up or edit, the entire article and two more clips from E! under the cut)

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portrait of a lady

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 4:07 PM

Jessica Simpson

Now that she’s put on a hundred pounds, you may think Jessica Simpsons transformation is complete, and there’s no way she could get any sexier. Well now there’s this from, making you look like a fool.

“While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart,” says the insider.
“Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, ‘Jessica!’ The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say.”

Nice job fatty. Thanks a lot. The only way Jessica could have looked like any more of a fat tub of shit is if they had turned around to track the noise and Jessica was slowly easing her ass back down on the seat after lifting one leg up and while she was doing that she was also biting into a fried drumstick dripping with hot fudge, a bowl of which was on the table in front of her in between a bowl of marshmallow sauce and a bowl with those candied sprinkles.

doutzen kroes is getting away

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 2:25 PM


Dutch supermodel Doutzen Kroes was still on St Barths earlier today, although she may be gone by now. People need to keep in mind that most models are tall and in good shape, so it was silly to think a simple concrete wall was gonna keep her from escaping. That’s why my compound is surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles. Another simple solution is to keep them on a train that never stops.

(source = splash news online)

lindsay lohan is taking her clothes off. again.

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 1:08 PM


Lindsay Lohan is a good actress, but she’s also a disruptive pain in the ass, and that’s why no one has hired her to star in a movie since 2006. It makes you wonder why Robert Rodriguez hired her for his next movie. Did he see something about her that made it worth the risk? Yes. Yes he did.

Not only will the 22-year-old actress go topless, but she goes skinny-dipping with her on-screen mom!
Lindsay – who has about 10 minutes of screen time as gun-toting socialite April Benz – is slated to get wet and naked while swimming in a waterfall with Alicia Rachel Marek, 34, who plays her mother.

It really wasn’t that long ago when even a glimpse of her huge tits would be headline news around the world. Now seeing her naked is about as noteworthy as a new car that comes with air conditioning.

detective handsome has cracked the case

By brendon January 28, 2010 @ 12:05 PM

Brittany Murphy cracks a smile and kisses her husband at the air

Simon Monjack announced yesterday that he will file a wrongful death lawsuit against Warner Brothers, claiming they killed his wife Brittany Murphy by firing her from ‘Happy Feet 2’. He told the press…

“Does anyone here know … how to get the lids off these pudding cups? Because I’m pulling the tab, you can see the tab here, and all it does is pull away a strip of the foil down the middle. And then when I go to dip the sausage into it, it doesn’t fit in the pudding, and I have to, like, tear away the rest of the foil. Usually with a fork. A fork does the trick.”

You know what let’s just see what the Sun had to say instead.

SIMON MONJACK puts the 32-year-old’s fatal December heart attack down to the stress she suffered after Hollywood bigwigs scrapped her contract just two weeks before her demise.
He said: “They killed her. She was devastated.”

Really because I heard it was drugs.

“She has never, and I repeat NEVER, done drugs. Not a line of cocaine, not a hit from a joint, nothing. She was anti-drugs. There are no drugs involved.”

He must mean other than the mountain of prescription drugs in her nightstand when she died. This may be news to Monjack, but drugs are a form of drugs. The judge should take this case, look the paperwork over, call Monjack up to the bench, and then just punch him right in the face.

(source = splash news online)

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 27, 2010 @ 7:19 PM


BRAD PITT - now that he may be single again, Jennifer Aniston wants him to know she’ll take him back. But she won’t beg. Unless he wants her too, and then she’ll crawl across the floor on her hands and knees, groveling and pleading as if her very life depended on it. (star)

JAY LENO - told Oprah that he hasn’t spoken to Conan since all the Tonight Show drama began. “I haven’t talked to him through all this … it didn’t seem appropriate … I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know.” He explained that a face-to-face talk went against his natural sneaky, back-stabbing instincts. Then, while he and Oprah talked, he gave the signal for someone to break into her car. (

CHARLIE SHEEN - His wife Brooke Mueller, the one he tried to murder on Christmas day, is in rehab for an alleged drug addiction. Let’s just hope her weakness won’t sully his good name. (radar)

SHANELLE - Is there some reason I can’t get hot girls to do this kind of thing for Tyler? If so that reason can suck it because it’s standing between me and my happiness. (foundry music)

LINDSAY LOHAN - The issue of Loaded magazine that she posed for essentially naked is now out (scans here). As much as I’d love to make fun of her, she’s skinny with red hair and huge breasts. Half my hard drive is devoted to those very things. If I act like I wouldn’t have sex with her, it sends a dangerous message to my penis. (loaded)

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