Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore started dating in 2003 and got married in 2005, but they’ve always been an unlikely couple. Not because of the 15 year age difference (she’s 47, he’s 32) but because she’s a good actress and seems nice, whereas he’s a smug fuking retard.
In a related topic, the new Star cover story says he’s cheating on her.
…an eyewitness saw (Ashton) kissing and groping a hot young blonde by an out-of-the-way bathroom at Italian restaurant Madeo in L.A.
“Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her,” an eyewitness, who was on his way to the restroom tells Star. “I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn’t Demi.”
It actually makes me wonder what’s wrong with this jackass if he only started cheating now. He’s a rich Hollywood celebrity, and he was in a monogamous relationship from age 25 to 32? What kind of weirdo does something like that?
The only reasonable explanation is that there’s something wrong with his dick, so he and his worthless genitals found a girl good at keeping secrets and married her. I could never do that. I’d like to, but I produce a natural pheromone that women find irresistible. It’s my blessing, and my curse.
SECOND UPDATE – aaaannndddd he’s dead. Shot dead by a police sniper. How fucking badass is that. But I’m taking down the stream and moving this off the front page because it’s useless now. Just like this guys brain matter.
UPDATE – at 4:48pm, police shot the suspect and rescued the hostages. The building may still have explosives inside, and the suspect has not been removed. Police have not said yet if the suspect was killed.
If you can’t get near a TV, here’s a live stream from USA Today (another one from Fox News here) covering the gunman who has taken hostages at Discovery Channel headquarters. Several gunshots have been heard, and the Washington Post said he may have explosives. All because he’s tired of shows about people having tons of kids.
Salma Hayek went to Madeo in Los Angeles last night for dinner, and to make the night special she squeezed her size Huge breasts into a top made for toddlers. After seeing Anne Hathaway earlier, I wish there was some way to bring back segregation but stick me in with the Latin girls. Because they all have long hair and big tits. I don’t know if that’s how segregation works because I don’t read, but I don’t think Latin girls do either so I can probably trick them into this.
Anne Hathaway is in Paris this week filming a romantic comedy called “One Day”. As in, “One Day, I went to the pet groomer and got a haircut and they chopped it all off and it was a terrible idea because no girl ever looks better with short hair. Some girls look ok but every girl on earth looks way better with long hair. Now, with my featureless pale skin and androgynous hair, I look like a CPR mannequin. This is gonna be a horrible movie.”
These stories never turn out the way I want them to (with a hanging, and crows), but Paris Hilton could be in real trouble after Las Vegas police found almost a gram of cocaine in her purse this weekend.
Hilton is claiming it wasn’t her purse and she didn’t know the coke was there, but as a legal analyst for CBS news points out, that’s fuking retarded.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER – but they can put her in a dress with big ruffles, because Jennifer Grey will be a contestant on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, along with Brandy, Florence Henderson, Audrina Patridge, and Bristol Palin. The men will be Kurt Warner, David Hasselhoff, The Situation, Michael Bolton, Kyle Massey, Rick Fox and Margaret Cho. Remember, mini dresses can set the dance floor ablaze in hot red tones or shades of pink or purple. They’ll make heads turn and add pizzazz to your performance. That tip goes for the fellas too, since I now assume you’re all gay. (la times)
JOHN CUSACK – was asked about the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, and he wrote, “I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES (OF) DICK ARMEY AND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS”. Because those people are against the mosque, and Cusack believes in free expression. Unless you disagree with him, in which case he’ll advocate murdering you. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. (twitter)
JESSICA SIMPSON – is flaunting “her voluptuous figure” in these pictures, according to the Daily Mail. I don’t know what it said after that though because I opened two pictures of Jessica at once and my monitor fell through the table. (daily mail)
Demi Moore and her way cool husband Ashton Kutcher were on stage at a Snoop Dog concert in Vegas Friday night (good luck figuring out which race should be more embarrassed by that statement), and while Ashton sat and pantomimed, “I’m a jackass with no improv skills” to the crowd, Demi did a sexy dance for Snoop.
Even though she looks good for her age, her age is 47. Did you ever go to a dance in junior high and have the chaperon and teachers start dancing too? This was like that, except worse because at least the dance would have had my incredible mix CD. Savage Garden, Aqua, Smash Mouth – they’re all here, in one amazing collection!
Gemma Arterton (English model and actress, star of ‘Quantum of Solace’, ‘Clash of the Titans’, ‘Prince of Persia’) is on vacation with some unworthy big-titted jackass in Italy this week, and if I’m interpreting this right, the key to getting a girl who would normally be way out of your league is to be a boat. Wait. Wait, no. Have a boat. Yeah that makes more sense.