howard k. stern is under arrest

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 6:09 AM

Anna Nicole Smith died on February 8, 2007, at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, from an overdose of the sedative chloral hydrate combined with three different types of the sedative benzodiazepine.  Her autopsy said her death was not homicide, suicide, or natural causes.  Unfortunately for her lawyer Howard K. Stern, the autopsy doctor is not a cop, and the cops make a frowny face when you give a drug addict barrels full of psychoactive drugs whose primary function is to slow down the central nervous system.  

Stern, as well as Anna Nicole’s two personal physicians, were arrested last night and charged with eight felonies, including conspiracy to furnish controlled substances, unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance, obtaining a prescription for opiates by "fraud, deceit or misrepresentation", obtaining a prescription for opiates by giving a false name or address, and prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict.

It makes perfect sense that Anna Nicole would rise up from the grave to get back in the news.  Her life was like a good episode of Dynasty, except with all the insanity ramped up by a hundred.  Don’t be surprised if she actually walks into the courtroom one day, and the dead girl was actually her wicked twin sister who used to be a man, and Anna Nicole faked her own death because Dr. Christian Tremble was trying to keep Trinity out of the will, and then Anna will wrestle some woman wearing a fur coat in a fountain.  Stuff like that is what Anna Nicole used to refer to as “Tuesday”.

im just as surprised as katy

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 3:59 PM

Katy Perry started work on a new video today, even though I would have signed a sworn deposition that people stopped showing music video in 1997, and uh … yeah, here are some pictures.  I don’t know how she does it, but Katy manages to take really big tits and a nice body and still be boring, even annoying.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  She’s an inspiration to boring chicks everywhere, the Michael Jordan of mediocrity.  Those tits might as well be on a empty can of Coke. 

(image source = flynet)

fantastic

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 2:50 PM

It looks like outakes to an ad for discount rum, but no, it’s just Paris Hilton begging for attention as always.  And now she’s dating some other attention whore.  Someone better paint his penis with that white water sealant stuff they coat basement walls with, because if these retards have a kid, that demon would come out with a pentagram carved in its forehead.

(picture source = flynet)

hilary duff is nice

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 2:01 PM

The reason you hear bad things about people like Sean Penn and Kirsten Dunst is because they suck.  Everyone hates them, especially people who work in restaurants, because they're famous for the way they tip.  Famous in the bad way (here’s a story where Penn left nothing on a $450 tab, and Dunst left the same on a $233 tab).  Hilary Duff on the other hand…

After getting her hair dyed and styled at the Byron and Tracey Salon in Beverly Hills, the singer left an extra $200 on top of a $250 bill!  And it's not just at the salon that she splurges. "She slips hundreds to everyone, from valets and restroom attendants to Starbucks cashiers," says a pal, explaining that Hilary is so generous because when her mom, Susan, worked as a makeup artist she often got crummy tips.

Wow.  I hope when I’m rich like Hilary I’m this nice to waiters when its time to pay the bill, instead of sneaking up behind them and holding a rag soaked in ether over their face, then locking them in a bathroom stall, like I do now. 

SEXY BONUS PICTURE – Hilary at a party for the release of a porn movie, here.

hahaha, get out jackass

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 12:22 PM

Adnan Ghalib of course is that poser nerd who somehow worked his way into Britney’s life last year when she was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  Ideally he’d get hit by a comet or ripped apart by horses, but if he got convicted and deported to Afghanistan, that would work too.  Here’s a summary of his plight, pulled from the Daily Mail…

On 11 February in Los Angeles a court official tried to serve Ghalib with a restraining order to stay away from Britney, issued by her father, Jamie Spears.  Ghalib allegedly tried to run over the court official and has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon, hit-and-run and battery.  He faces a jail sentence and could be deported if he is found guilty.
Adnans family moved to England from Afghanistan when he was five, but some of his immigration paperwork still lists his nationality as Afghani, so that is where he would be sent if he were convicted and kicked out of the US.  

I would literally squeal with delight if this happened.  Afghanistan is such a stone-age barbaric mess, it doesn’t even sound like a real place.  It’s like they’re threatening to send him to Monster Island.

katie holmes has pretty hair

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 9:22 AM

Katie Holmes walked the red carpet with some sassy hair extensions last night in Tokyo for the Japanese premiere of “Valkyrie”.  Although for some inexplicable reasons I can’t find good pictures of it anywhere (the banner is from the Sun).   I have to follow my heart and admit I think she’s a fantastic looking woman at times, like here, even though she’s famous for her short hair these days.  Unlike our 12th President Zachary Taylor, who was famous for leading U.S. troops to victory in critical battles of the Mexican-American War.  So really Katie Holmes and Zachary Taylor aren’t as similar as the Hollywood hype machine would like you believe.

paul rudd is friendly

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 8:19 AM

The guy who talks movies for Opie and Anthony (fuck you CBS) said last week that he saw I Love You Man at a screening and he basically embarrassed himself he was laughing so hard.  I don’t know if you’re picking up on this but the movie opens next Friday.  It stars Jason Segal and Paul Rudd, and if you were wondering if either one may have raped the other one while he slept, Time Out New York has the answer:

"…one time I was fast asleep on the couch, and I just feel Paul and his gentle touch on my shoulder going, “Hey, Jase, wake up. It’s time to wake up, buddy. Wake up.” And I slowly open my eyes, and Paul is standing there with his dick out. And he just gives me this weird, mischievous smile and walked out of the room."

Jason Segal should be the President or something.  Not even the most horrific scenarios imaginable seem to phase him.  In this case, that someone sodomized him while he was passed out.  I wish more people shared his carefree attitude.  And by "more people", I mean "the plaintiff in my case".

more violence in the rap world

By brendon March 12, 2009 @ 8:09 AM

Joaquin Phoenix was doing a show last night in Miami at the Fontainebleau hotel when a heckler in the crowd got on his nerves, and since Joaquin is a street wise rapper now, he jumped off the stage and … punched him?  It’s hard to tell by the video. Although during the fight I got distracted by that girl in the blue dress and more specifically her boobs so Joaquin may have sawed the dudes head off and eaten it for all I know (the Sun UK has details).  Watch the video, maybe you’ll have better luck.  You may not, but you’ll never know until you try.  Life is adventure!  The proper function of man is to live and explore, not simply to exist!