madonna cant hold her men

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 8:59 AM

Madonna’s new whatever, that model dude who is clearly gay but she hangs out with, is 22.  She’s 50.  Brace yourself for shocking news, because he may be looking around.  The Sun UK says…

Jesus was seen tenderly clasping lingerie model Luciana Costa as they swayed to the music in his home city of Rio.  Jesus held Luciana close and whispered in her ear — and onlookers claimed they started kissing.
(A source said): “They danced together very close lots of times. He whispered things in her ear, grabbed her hand, put his hand around her waist.  He’d had a little to drink and it seemed clear he was after something.”
Early the next day the pair were snapped as they ventured out for a Sunday stroll.

This alleged lingerie model (the lumpy big nosed mess here) is pretty damn ugly too.  And she’s 31.  This guy is a fuckin weirdo.  Madonna is all dehydrated and leathery, her vagina must feel like your penis is in a sock filled with sand.  Thank god I don’t see a turtle or coconut in these pictures.  This pervert might try to fuck it.

(image source = splash news)

ri may have dumped chris brown

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 8:04 AM

I don’t know if you heard, but Chris Brown beat the hell out of Rihanna a few weeks ago.  More specifically, he “held her close and bit her left ear.  He stopped the vehicle and she turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.  Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms.”  But whatever, because now they’re back together, yaay!  Or maybe not.  The highlights from E online say…

According to a source, they have been "taking a break."  They’re not calling it a formal breakup, but have decided to put some distance between them.  Rihanna flew to New York City; Brown has remained in Los Angeles, where he is working on a new album.
"He's just putting ideas down for some songs he wrote," says a Brown source. "He needs to feel like he's moving forward."

Chris Brown is right.  He's suffered enough.  Sure he punched her in the face repeatedly, but that was, like, in February.  It’s March now, man.  March.  And since then he’s gone jet skiing and hit some clubs and tried the get the charges dropped.  You have to admit he’s done everything humanly possible to make amends and ensure this will never happen again.

morning headlines

By brendon March 18, 2009 @ 5:48 AM

Because this is the most your bipolar ass can focus on first thing in the morning.

NATASHA RICHARDSON – Natasha is now in a NYC hospital but a family friend says, “There is no chance.  It is a fact that her heart is beating but she is brain dead.”  Doctors say it is essentially already over.  At first I hoped they were talking to doctors who weren’t medical doctors, but “Dr.” as in a rapper or someone really good at bbq, but no, it was the medicine kind. (source = people)

RIHANNA – Ri is going out more and more, but never with Chris Brown, whom you may recall, “began applying pressure to (her) left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breath. She began to lose consciousness”.  Anyway, over the weekend she hit up a quiet bar in Manhattan.  “She stayed from 11 p.m. till about 2 a.m. for a friend's birthday.  The room was completely blocked by her bodyguards.”  These bodyguards must be a nervous wreck.  It can’t look good on your resume if your client was almost beaten to death.  And they know who did it.  It was that guy.  Right there.  The one she’s getting into a car with all by herself.  (source = new york post)

JESSICA ALBA – Because of space constrictions, I had to edit out the sassy effeminate Korean dude from Jessica’s February Elle magazine shoot.  I apologize.  I don’t know why I still tell people that Tyler is the internets Sassy Effeminate Korean Dude headquarters.  It’s simply not true anymore.  (source = elle)

this is not going well

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 5:30 PM

OK! magazine now says…

In a devastating turn of events, OK! has learned that Natasha Richardson has died after suffering a fatal brain injury while skiing in Canada.  A source close to the actress's family confirms to OK! exclusively that Richardson, 45, was considered brain dead, and that it was the decision of the family to take her off life support a couple of hours ago. “The family is devastated,” the source tells OK!

So far, OK! is the only one I can find saying this, so maybe they’re jumping the gun.  The giant exclamation point right above Natasha’s face seems to be in poor taste. 

PERPLEXING UPDATE – so OK quickly pulled the post down.  No idea what that means.  Here is a screencap of what they had.

NON-CLARIFYING UPDATE – so OK was the only one to ever say she died.  and then they took it down like 5 minutes later.  so either they're the ones who actually killed her and now they need to cover it up or they jumped the gun.

evening headlines

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 4:00 PM

KATY PERRY – On Friday, because of this, I forgot for a few seconds why I think I would punch Katy Perry.  Oh, wait.  Yeah here we go: “I fart a lot.  I'm hopping around. I'm a little gassy.  I don't care.  It's my stage.”  You know what, I don’t care how big her tits are … um, okay I very much do care, but god damn is she annoying.  (source = the sun USA)

GWYNETH PALTROW – Gwyneth is opening a gym in NYC, and it's pretty much exactly what you might expect from her.  One person asked to join said, “It's ridiculous. Membership is like $4500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?”  Paltrow is so far removed from reality, when the woman said 4500 was too high, Paltrow probably thought she was retarded, and showed her pictures of an apple and a duck.  “Can you say duck.  Duuuck.  Duck.  The duck says quack.”  (source – sydney morning herald)

ANNA FARIS – this chick is really really funny.  And she looks like this.  And in this months GQ, she talks about all the weed she smokes. If she got any more perfect it would turn out she can fly.  (source = GQ)

oh no – crappy 2nd update

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 1:27 PM

Jeez this is sad, but the New York Post said 30 minutes ago that Natasha Richardson's seemingly harmless skiing accident has left her brain dead, and she will be flown back home to New York today so her family and friends can say goodbye before she’s taken off life support.

Richardson, 45, fell during a private lesson at Mont Tremblant resort yesterday and allegedly told resort employees she felt fine.
But an hour later, she complained of an extreme headache and was rushed to a nearby hospital.
Richardson was on a beginner's slope and reportedly not wearing a helmet when she fell – although headgear is not required.
"She did not show any visible sign of injury but the ski patrol followed strict procedures and brought her back to the bottom of the slope and insisted she should see a doctor," said a statement from the resort.
"Approximately an hour after the incident Mrs. Richardson was not feeling good."

After that she was taken to a local hospital then a larger one in Montréal, but to no avail.  WTF?  Four days ago this jackass wanted to die so he went over Niagra Falls.  He fell 180 feet onto the rocks like he was made of pillows, he even fought the police as they rescued him, but this poor woman falls 18-inches into the snow on the bunny hill – a course designated by signs of a cartoon penguin in a scarf – and two hours later she’s essentially dead.  The world sucks.  I’m scared to even leave the house.  Death lurks around every corner.  I shouldn’t even be typing this hard.

OPTIMISTIC UPDATE (1:17pm, pct) – TMZ says Richardson is on her way to New York as reported but they state she is NOT brain dead.

PESSIMISTIC 2ND UPDATE (2:20pm, pct) – TMZ has softened their original statement and says now they cannot confirm their initial report that Richardson is not brain dead.  Also, Fox News now says, “Sources close to Tony-award winning actress Natasha Richardson tell FOXNews.com that the 45-year-old actress is brain dead, and being transported back to New York City before she is to be taken off life support.”

jake and reese are engaged

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 1:26 PM

Star magazine says today that Indiana Gyllenhaal has proposed to Reese Witherspoon twice already, and slow to take the hint, he tried it again.  This time his girlfriend for the past two years said “yes”, and even though she didn’t want to marry him before, now she can't do it fast enough.

Now the couple is fast-tracking a wedding, and Reese is insisting on an intimate and simple affair.
One insider reveals Reese is even thinking about having a Southern barbecue — likely at their Ojai, Calif., home, which she and Jake often use as a romantic getaway. "Jake and Reese want to get married sooner rather than later," says the insider. "They've been playing house for far too long, and they're ready to make it official!"

Ooooff.  Good lord these two are boring.  That paragraph was only four sentences long and I fell asleep reading it 5 times.  If anyone ever starts talking to me about these two dullards I'm gonna cover my ears and yell loud noises until they go away.

oh good. terrific.

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 11:00 AM

Kim Kardashian has pictures up taken for GQ with her boyfriend, running back Reggie Bush of my beloved New Orleans Saints (more here), and they’re like an erotic version of his game highlights.  By that I mean he isn’t upright in any of them.  That’s not coincidence.  Trust me, he can’t go more than a few feet without falling down, like a drunk with an inner ear infection.  But he’s a good model, he's very handsome, and he uses that peak physical condition every Sunday to run into the back of his lineman and then stumble backwards.  Fantastic.