Monday afternoon headlines

By brendon November 08, 2010 @ 4:45 PM

– will host the premiere of his new TBS show tonight, and he says one thing to look for on the new show is him forgiving Andy Richter: “Because you know it was him that f—ed up. I was doing fine before he came back.” I also heard that Richter was the Beltway Sniper. (tbs, ew)

LILY ALLEN – suffered a miscarriage last week, and over the weekend she was hospitalized with a blood disease called septicemia, which “accounts for tens of thousands of fatalities per year.” Her life is so tragic all of a sudden, she’s like one of those women in the bible. (la times)

MICHAEL JACKSON - has a new record coming out in December, and the first single was released today. It’s a terrible, terrible song, but it’s Michael Jackson so they’re gonna sell it anyway. In 10 years they’re gonna dig him up, take his femur and play his ribs like a xylophone and call it ALL NEW MICHAEL JACKSON MUSIC!!! (

finally. a Kim Kardashian mastercard.

By brendon November 08, 2010 @ 3:04 PM


Credit and debit cards have become a staple of everyday life, but I’ve always wanted one that I could also jack off to. Well now somebody has made my dream a reality! The New York Post says…

Kim Kardashian (will) be at a party tomorrow to promote the launch of a prepaid credit card for children … the Kardashian Prepaid MasterCards are being marketed as helping parents keep their kids safe by allowing them to monitor their teens’ spending through their cellphones.
“Teens do not spend their money as their parents think they do,” a rep said. “And, drugs are a huge problem in this country. I give my son a small amount of cash and track his spending on his card.”

This is like when you see an ad and some lady is massaging her back with something that is clearly a dildo. Stop pretending. The only people buying this are lonely perverts who wanna get the motor running while they use it to subscribe to a porn site. And if my card isn’t here Friday like they promised I’m gonna be pissed.

Amanda Seyfried knows how to dress

By brendon November 08, 2010 @ 1:47 PM


Amanda Seyfried plays a stripper in a new movie which either has the terrible name I’m.mortal or the terrible name Now (just combine them Hollywood. you know you want to), and what they lack in movie naming skills they make up for in slutty outfit choosing. I haven’t seen an outfit this whorish since I went on a date with your mom. Zing!

Vanessa Minnillo is in a bikini

By brendon November 08, 2010 @ 11:23 AM


Vanessa Minnillo, who is still ungoddambelievable looking, and jackoff idiot Nick Lachey share the same birthday (November 9th) and so to celebrate they’re down in Mexico this week.

This is the kind of thing I would do if she was my girlfriend, and if I was allowed in Mexican resorts. Last time I got kicked out because of what they called “racist dances”. Hey, look buddy, it takes two to be racist. If my dancing hit to close to home, whose fault is that? Not mine.

(source = splash news online)

Brad and Angelina and thier kids are adorable

By brendon November 05, 2010 @ 7:01 PM


Angelina Jolie is still in Budapest making her debut as a director, but today she took a break and she and Brad Pitt and their army of kids went to a park with all kinds of things to climb and even a zip line for Shiloh. And it was adorable. It was so saccharine it hurts my teeth just looking at it. They might as well adopt a baby panda and a tiger cub and dress them up in a little cowboy hat and a football player outfit.

Lindsay is still doing rehab Lindsay-style

By brendon November 05, 2010 @ 4:42 PM


Lindsay Lohan still has 60 days left in rehab, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be spending 60 days inside of rehab apparently. People says…

Lohan, 24, strolled into a local Palm Desert, Calif., mall on Wednesday … headed into Forever 21 and bought about $250 worth of loungewear.
“She picked out everything on her own,” the source says. “She seemed happy and was courteous. She was dressed casual and looked fine.”

And Radar adds…

(A source says Lohan) “looks really, really good” and “She goes to the Starbucks next door all the time.”

Well la di da your highness. I feel bad that the rehab doesn’t have a Starbucks for you. If there’s one thing I know about rehab, it’s that it’s not about breaking old habits, so this is definitely a good sign. Maybe next time at the mall Lindsay could approach a young looking rich guy, say, “hey man, wanna party?”, and then make the blowjob sign with her hand and her tongue against the inside of her cheek.

Henifaa Yopez wont let her songs be sung on Idol

By brendon November 05, 2010 @ 3:15 PM


Jennifer Lopez is a mean selfish cunt and everyone hates her, so needless to say that’s exactly how she’s acting at her new job as a judge on American Idol. Specifically, by telling contestants what songs they’re allowed to sing. Celebuzz says…

After hearing a few contestants mimic some of the 41-year-old singer’s No. 1 hits, J-Lo is warning them not to sing her songs if they want to make it to the next round.
“It was cute, super entertaining and flattering, but no,” she said to reporters Nov. 4 in Los Angeles. 

Of course. Is there any doubt that these people would sing her songs better than she did, and since the show is all about her now, she can’t have anyone out shine her. First it’s no JLo songs, then no dance songs, then no Puerto Rican girls, then no singing and no dancing. The show will determine what white male can sit quietly the longest.

Tyler has sexy readers (time to vote)

By brendon November 05, 2010 @ 11:03 AM


I was gonna wait until the end of November for the first vote in the updated sexy reader contest (details here), but life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and idle hands are the devils workshop, so here we are.

This time it’s Rebecca (pics start here), Kate (here), a girl in a Princess Leia slave costume (here) and Nikki, the girl in the banner picture (here). Who, by the way, is a fourth grade teacher in Miami. There’s lucky and then there’s lucky and then there’s those little bastards.

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