what did you do, ray

By brendon September 18, 2009 @ 9:39 AM

KeyArena

In theory a girl in a naked skintight catsuit should be hot, but Pink is so androgynous it’s hard to even know what her plan was two nights ago during a concert in Seattle. If she was trying to look sexy, she pretty much failed. However if her plan was to scare people into thinking she was Gozer the Gozerian, well then mission accomplished.

“Where do these stairs go?”
“They go up.”

what in the hell is that?

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 7:15 PM

wtfisthat

People freak out whenever I call babies ugly, as if the f*cking baby is gonna read this and get it’s feelings hurt, but I’m pretty sure the rule giving them immunity was made before … um … before whatever the hell that is was born. According to her website, it’s Katherine Heigl with her newly adopted “special needs” baby from Korea. According to things I learned in comic books, it’s clearly a super baby who one day will rob banks by walking through it’s walls as police bullets bounce harmlessly off it’s impenetrable folds of lumpy skin.

I don’t like kids anyway, and I especially hate babies, but I very much do like Asian girls, and most little Asian kids are absolutely god damn adorable, way cuter than little white kids who usually suck, but this. Yikes. Was this adoption agency reputable? Because it’s like someone shaved a shar pei and gave her that. And by the time Katherine figures it out the check will have cleared. “Ha-ha, I got you money, Round Eye!”, Korea will say.  “Dog baby you problem now, Woof-Woof!”

finally, her own talk show

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 5:49 PM

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Kate Gosselin experimented with a new hairstyle earlier this week, then quickly realized that was madness, so she and her mullet and her woeful cleavage all reunited today at the Southern Women’s Show in Charlotte, NC (the what?). Oh and there’s more exciting news for Kate and the quickly fading memory of her kids wherever they may be…

Kate will be shooting the pilot for her proposed new TV show this weekend.
Kate is teaming up with Paula Deen, the Southern cooking expert for a show that is planned to have a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip.
…the show is based on the popular Web site Mom Logic.
…the plan is to have multiple hosts with Paula and Kate … comedian Sandra Bernhard and Tammy Lynn Michaels have both been considered for the job. Michaels is married to singer Melissa Etheridge.

This is gonna be a big hit. 75 percent of the hosts for the show based on “mom logic” only had kids because of scientific wizardry, 50 percent are gay, and 25 percent left her kids 3000 miles away so she could be on TV. And then there’s Paula Deen. This is gonna kill in the demographic of barren women who hate kids and maybe men but love cooking with tons of butter. It seems so obvious in hindsight.

(hq jump here.  source = splash news online)

punching girls is good excercise

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 5:11 PM

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Picking up trash because you punch girls in the face got a little bit sexier today when Chris Brown took off his shirt after a hard day of court ordered public service. He’s a jackass but he’s got good abs, I’ll give him that.

Back in Louisiana, I had a black friend named Curtis and he was built like one of the X-Men, like 220 pounds and all ripped out for no reason. As if his mom had been raped by a bear or something. For a while me and another friend had a theory that he was Batman. And one day I asked Curtis how the hell this happened because he’d never touched a weight in his life, and he patted his stomach and said, “it’s all those white girls man.” But I don’t think he knew either because I was sleeping with white girls too and I didn’t look like that.

Another time me and him were driving around and some hicks in a truck started yelling at us and he told me to pull over. And so I did. And then they did. And before I knew what was happening he took off his shirt and jumped out of the car and ran after them screaming like a lunatic and they sped off as fast as their POS truck would take them. And he got back in the car and I said, “what the hell are you doing”. And he said, “nah it’s cool. White boys are scared of big niggas.” And I said, “you are gonna put your shirt back on, right?”

My stories rarely go anywhere or have any point, in case you hadn’t noticed.

(hq jump here.  source = splash news online)

oh wtf ever

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 3:35 PM

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Jennifer Love Hewitts head is on the cover of this months Shape magazine and let’s get one thing clear: I only care about me, and I’m very handsome so this doesn’t matter to me one way or the other, but if I were capable of human feelings such as compassion for others I would be outraged.

This bitch carries on all the time about “loving who you are” and “I look great I’m not fat”, then she blatantly lies about what she is and how she looks. If she’s telling people she’s a size 2, even as she clearly looks like hell, girls who are a size 6 must be ready to kill themselves.  They must think they’re a monster.

Those bikini pictures in Hawaii were taken 6 weeks ago. Amputees don’t lose as many inches as she somehow did overnight for the cover of Shape. And the sidewalk candid’s are from 3 days ago. You’re not foolin me, big ass.

(full size side-by-side here.  hq jump here)

you women are all nuts

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 1:01 PM

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Rihanna walked around New York yesterday with her pierced breasts on full display, and Jesus Christ I’ve just about had it with you god damn women. I dated a girl once and it took three weeks to get her into bed, and when I got down there it turns out she’s pierced. So I had to jump through hoops for almost a month but at one point she went to a strip mall and spread her legs for some ex-con with a spike through his nose so he could stab her in the clitoris. Fantastic.

lindsay is lookin all hot

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 12:35 PM

lindsaylip

For years people have been saying, “Lindsay Lohan is gorgeous, but if she had ratty dry hair and uneven, oversized lip implants, well then, then she may ascend into heaven she’d be so perfect. The bonds of earth could no longer shackle such a being of pure beauty.” Based on these pictures last night, we may not have much time left with Lindsay, so I would just like to say Thank You, for all you’ve done here.

(hq jump here. source = splash and wenn)

avril is officially single, ugly

By brendon September 17, 2009 @ 11:18 AM

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Avril Lavigne has been whoring around and partying as if she were single for the last few months, and according to Us.com, now she finally is.

After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley have split,
“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source tells the new Us Weekly, adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million, 12,00-square-foot estate in L.A.’s Bel Air. “Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”
Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider

Uh, I get the feeling he’ll get over it. These pictures were taken 3 days ago in New York at the Ugly Dress and Smile Convention. “RRRERRRR, RERRRR!  FIRE!  RARRR”, Avril said.

(hq jump here. source = splash news)