hmmm. well, look at that

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 10:47 AM

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These pictures of Ali Lohan must have been processed with magic because for the first time ever she looks sort of F-able.  I know she’s 15 and you’re not supposed to have sex with 15-year-olds(*), but it was her moms idea to whore her up like she was 35, not mine.  I’d have been just fine never thinking about her again.  If I can block out my girlfriends miscarriage I can sure as hell ignore a Lohan minus the D’s.

(*) in this country

Image source = splash and wenn

kelly mcgillis is gay now

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 9:24 AM

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Kelly McGillis, who you may remember from “Top Gun” but probably don’t, has come out as a lesbian, shocking everyone, at least until they look at a recent picture of her.

“I’m done with the man thing. I did that, I need to move on in life. That’s another part of being true to yourself…that’s been a challenge for me personally.”
“I think [accepting being homosexual] that was an ongoing process from the time I was about 12. I had a lot of things happened that convinced me that God was punishing me for being gay. That was a hard process.”

It’s getting really tedious to hear people talk about how hard it is to be gay. I support just about every prejudice you can think of and even I bailed on that one. Everyone I know makes gay and racist jokes, no one I know would ever actually discriminate. I’m sure it sucks when you’re 12 and some handsome popular kid is pinning you down and putting dead birds in your mouth, but in my defense I was dared to. It was out of my hands.

(if you were wondering what it may look like if kelly got it on with another girl, and they were naked, and they filmed it, the answer would be, “like this”)

everyone hates madonna

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 7:03 AM

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The US had a good run but it seems that Madonna has decided to bail on London and return to the Colonies, and she’s making plans to spend the summer in the Hamptons. As always her magnetic personality leaves a trial of smiles wherever she goes, in this case a vineyard on the island where she wanted to keep her horses.

Madonna then presented the estate with a 10-page list of demands, according to our source. Among the stipulations were that “no one could be in the riding ring at the same time she was. It was laughable. They turned her down flat.”

Her rep denies this but considering Madonna gave Guy Ritchie a list of demands telling him what to do when their kids stay with him (here) and once forced 25 students and their teacher to leave a yoga class at Reebok in NYC so she could have the room to herself (here), nothing about this sounds out of character.It’s no wonder the Hamptons don’t want her.  I’d rather live next door to a gay rapist with a key to my house than Madonna, or even just a cage filled with deadly bees.

halle berry is somewhat attractive

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 5:50 AM

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Halle Berry is absolutely fantastic looking of course, but I’m not sure I’d invite her to the premiere of my movie if she wasn’t in it. She’s a little too good looking. It’s distracting.  Jesus and the Devil could be having a knife fight 3 feet behind her and I’m not sure I’d notice anything but her perfect face and tits.

(image source = wenn and pco)

um, is she okay

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 5:13 AM

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Lindsay is still in Hawaii as of today, although God knows how she’s paying for this.  I asked the dude I know if the porn producer who loaned her the Maserati is bankrolling this and he said he didn’t know.  That was a good story wasn’t it?  The key to a good story is to present hope to the listener but then never go anywhere with it.  These rumors may hurt Lindsay’s reputation, but so will stumbling out of the shadows looking like she just got roughed up by a john.  Violence is not the answer, even if the sex is disappointing.  You need to communicate with your lover.  Like if a girl is no good at oral, I thump her in the forehead with my finger and say, “do it better.”

(image source = pacific coast)

sean penn is single

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 10:54 AM

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Sean Penn and Robin Wright have filed for divorce from each other twice already, but never one to give up, Penn filed for divorce yet again this past Friday.  The two have been married for 13 years but a couple for nearly 20.  They have two teenage sons, one 18 and one 15.  Us magazine says…

Penn, 48, initially filed for divorce in December 2007, but his petition was later dismissed. Three days later, Wright Penn, 43, filed her own paperwork.
But in April 2008, the couple’s divorce petition was dismissed at their request.

I don’t know anything about divorce paperwork but I assume his first petition was dismissed because he’s a sanctimonious pain in the ass and the judge decided Robin knew what she was getting into and why punish some new girl.  And then the judge told him, “this is your problem now dipshit.”  I’m pretty sure judges aren’t supposed to talk like that but it would be awesome.

chris brown thinks this is unfair

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 9:39 AM

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Chris Browns attorney was in court this morning attempting to have the case against his client thrown out because details have been leaked to the public.  Details such as, “he punched her in the left eye with his right hand (then) continued to punch her.  The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”  His attorney said…

“Leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regard to outrageous governmental misconduct.”

I think he means that evidence photo.  And if so his request seems pretty reasonable.  If the jury pool sees a picture after Brown repeatedly punched Rihanna in the face, they may get the impression that Brown repeatedly punched Rihanna in the face.  I don’t like the idea of the public seeing so-called “evidence” in trials.  How about we give Chris a true-false test to see if he did it, or throw him in a well and see if he floats.

oh stfu people magazine

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 7:12 AM

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People magazines 100 Most Beautiful list (here) hits newsstands today, and as always it’s mostly hippie fag rambling beneath flattering pictures of fat people and old people who aren’t attractive in any way but we have to pretend like they are to show how fancy and enlightened we are.  Christina Applegate is this years cover girl, despite the fact that she’s ugly, because she had cancer.  I don’t know what pervert over at People decided cancer patients were sexy, but every cancer ward within a hundred miles better put up his picture before he humps their recently dead.