Hahaha, you suck Jennifer Lopez! It took an embarrassingly long time to find a quality download for this and then to cut and resize and host it, but it was time well spent to see Jennifa Yopez fall on her fat ass at last nights American Music Awards.
It really tells you what a tub of shit she is that the big acrobatic dance move was to jump off someones back. What does that even prove? That she’s aware of gravity? Big fuckin deal, so am I. Why even risk it? It can only lead to disaster. If you fall down, this happens. If you land on your feet, who the hell cares? Human beings are supposed to be able to hop three feet (with someone helping you, btw) without landing like someone pushed a newborn giraffe onto a frozen lake.
In the post just beneath this one I said Miranda Kerr and her pictures from the Victorias Secret Fashion Show were kind of boring. Obviously that was before I knew she had pranced around all night letting strangers take pictures of her hot little ass. Because it really is awesome. Seriously. Wow. What? Well if you don’t like that kind of thing why are you even here? No. No you’re a pervert. No you are.
NEW MOON – is already breaking records. The ‘Twilight’ sequel made $26.3M when it opened this morning at 12:01a.m. There were so many fat girls concentrated in so few spots, the mass pulled the moon 10 miles closer to America. If there’s a tidalwave, I’ll get you for this, Fatties. (variety)
JON GOSSELIN – entered into a secret business deal that is a clear violation of his TLC contract. This could be the, “smoking gun that will doom Jon in the breach of contract action brought against him by TLC”. To make this story even better, sharpie over all the words except “Jon Gosselin” and “smoking gun”. Ahhh. This is nice, isn’t it. (radar online)
DEMI MOORE – went on twitter yesterday to deny she was photoshopped for the cover of W magazine (this), despite the fact that her left hip doesn’t even remotely line up with her thigh. But one picture that is fake is the one claiming to be my senior portrait, with me playing the clarinet next to an iguana on a pedestal. That could really be anybody. At least anybody with a shirt saying “Brendon has Senior-itis”. (twitter)
MIRANDA KERR – was almost forgotten about. Because she’s kind of boring. But then I saw one of her pictures and was like, oh yeah, Miranda Kerr. That was a good story, wasn’t it. (source = splash and wenn)
South African model Candice Swanepoel might be the big new star to come out of last nights Victorias Secret Fashion Show, and by that I mean, I think you can sort of see her vagina in this one. If you’re wondering if I zoomed in and made that one brighter, well then buckle the fuck up, because the answer is you’re god damn right I did. We really do live in an age of wonders, don’t we my friend.
A tour bus that was one of four transporting Miley Cyrus and her crew during her current tour drifted off the road and overturned this morning near Richmond, Va. Amazingly the driver was the lone fatality. Nine others on board had minor injuries. Miley was not on the bus that flipped and not on scene after the crash. People magazine says…
“It was one of our tour buses, but not Miley’s,” her manager said. “It was one of our buses that transported our lighting crew.”
An investigation is underway to determine exactly why the bus – part of a four vehicle caravan – drifted off the road and overturned. One person, presumed to be the bus driver, died.
Another report is suggesting the driver died while at the wheel and that’s what caused the crash. Just to make sure Mileys rival isn’t behind this, I should take Selena Gomez into custody and search her. Yes ma’am, I know this is uncomfortable. Yes, panties too I’m afraid. I do have to record all this yes, I’m sorry. Just take your time. Nice and slow, that’s it. Okay now bend over for me please.
I wish there were more pictures of Chanel Iman at last nights Victorias Secret Fashion Show, because this girl really knows how to model. She’s new, but Operation Show Everyone My Perfect Ass was a complete success. That ass is amazing because she’s only like 10 inches in diameter. She must be tight as a drum if you know what I mean. When we have sex, my penis is gonna make up like 20 percent of her. For 3 minutes or so she’ll be classified as Multiracial.
The famous Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was held in New York City last night, and Heidi Klum is fantastic looking but she’s not exactly 19 anymore, and she gave birth to her fourth child just 6 weeks ago. So many kids have come through her vagina you’d think Disneyland was on the other side.
Point being, they can’t exactly whore her up like they used to, so her pictures are a little disappointing. They should replace her. A logical choice would be my beloved Kimberly Phillips (nsfw playboy pic here, facebook here). You wouldn’t have a car show with a 2003 BMW headlining would you? No, you’d have what’s next. This is the same thing, except maybe worse because I could still at least hump the BMW.
(FASCINATING SIDE NOTE – someone from playboy who was at the shoot emailed to say that the book Kimberly is reading in this nsfw picture is ‘Rant’. By Chuck Palahniuk. Author of ‘Fight Club’. Which stars Tyler Durden. Oh, I know right? This hot skinny bitch is so perfect she probably tastes like strawberries and can move things with her mind too.)
Marisa Miller worked the Victorias Secret Fashion Show last night as well, and this is more like it. This is how fashion shows should be, and this is exactly how Marisa should be. 99 percent naked except for body oil and lingerie, but still in ridiculously high heels so I can grab her if she tries to run.