wednesday headlines

By brendon June 30, 2010 @ 11:04 AM

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LARRY KING – announced his retirement last night and ‘Americas Got Talent’ judge Piers Morgan could sign a deal to replace him as early as today. King had no comment about Morgan because CNN had already pushed him down the stairs and locked the door behind him. (radar)

WONDER WOMAN – has a new costume and her slutty bodysuit has been replaced with pants and a jacket. The new writer also wanted to, “give her breast reduction surgery.” You’ve just made yourself a powerful new enemy, you sick son of a bitch. (ny times)

EMINEM – sold 741,000 copies of ‘Recovery’ last week, the biggest debut since 2008. The biggest debut of the decade of course was when my ex girlfriend saw my dick for the first time. Seriously. It’s humongous. Call me ladies! (yahoo)

ZOE SALDANA – is engaged. To a white guy. First Halle Berry now Zoe. Who does Seleta Ebanks date? Black guys won’t take this much longer, not when we’re giving them Khloe Kardashian in exchange. We could be on the verge of a race war. (msnbc)

JESSICA ALBA – is in Paris, but more to the point she looks fantastic in shorts. Too bad about that dumb kid, but at least Jessica didn’t get fat. That would be a much tougher problem. You can’t drown fat in a sink and throw it in a dumpster if you catch my drift. (splash)

TWITTER ……….. FACEBOOK ……….. GUDVANGEN, NORWAY

britney is under investigation for child abuse

By brendon June 30, 2010 @ 8:53 AM

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It should be noted right from the start that Britney vehemently denies these charges, and the person who filed the compliant is the same bodyguard who quit three weeks ago claiming he was sexually harassed (more on that here).

It also needs to be mentioned that the British tabloids are awesome, the only people more obsessed with tits than I am. Even in a child abuse story they find a way to talk about tits by showing the suspect without a bra (same pics as above and below). The Sun says…

Social workers will quiz her over claims she beat one with a belt and gave both food they were allergic to – making them violently ill.
Investigators were approached by the singer’s former bodyguard FERNANDO FLORES.

A source said: “He claims the first really shocking incident was when she came marching into the pool house at her mansion and demanded his belt.
“He handed it over but then followed her into the main house and claims he witnessed the alleged incident.”
Flores also accused Britney of feeding the boys food they were allergic to, including shellfish.
Child protection agency workers tried to quiz her last week but she had left LA for a few days.

Wait really? A belt and shellfish? Oh Jesus who cares. First of all, shellfish is delicious. I would totally trade some hives for a well made oyster po-boy. Second of all, kids suck. Of course she wants to hit them. Thirdly, how badly could it really hurt? Britney has less muscle than Winnie the Pooh. My dad hit me with a belt all the time, and he was a god damn Marine. Britney would need a hip replacement if she gave even one hard swing. It would be the most work she’s done in 10 years.

lady gaga looks weird as a man too

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 5:38 PM

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Lady Gaga has taken some new pictures for the Japanese edition of Vogue magazine, and yes these pictures are very much related to that fact. ONTD says this is her alter-ego, ‘Jo Calderone’. And now I’m starting to wonder if she’s been a man this whole time. God I hope not. I’d be very disappointed in myself if I fell for that trick again.

jason bateman should have stayed in the iphone line

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 4:51 PM

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Last Thursday, Jason Bateman was in line with 2,000 other people for the new iPhone when an Apple employee brought him inside the store so he could skip the line and get his first. On Twitter Bateman said the crowd was cool about it…

“There wasn’t one boo. Not one hiss. The Apple guy brought me in away from the paparazzi. Period. I was content in line. I wish I’d stayed.”

Well obviously it wasn’t “away from the paparazzi” because you can see the pictures right here. It’s not like they tunneled into the store. But was he telling the truth about the crowd? Well, no. At least not according to Us magazine

“It was loud, passive-aggressive anger. There was a chorus of boos and then people shouting, ‘What?’ and ‘We’ve been here for hours!’ We were patiently waiting before then [and] that just made everyone’s blood boil.”
Bateman arrived to the L.A. Apple store around 4:45 A.M., and initially waited “like everybody else.” But around 10 A.M., he was escorted inside first.

I’m against rape except in cases of self-defense or revenge, so I wish this story was about Diora Baird because after 5 hours in a line I bet you could use one of those bullshit “breaking point” defense claims and totally get away with it.

(picture source = wenn)

breaking news: kelly brook is in a pink bikini now

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 3:34 PM

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It’s pretty hard to justify posting even more pictures of Kelly Brook in a bikini during her trip to Barbados, but she went to all the trouble of jamming her huge 34E tits into that bikini top, so I think the least we can do is stare at them and sexually objectify her. Stop being so rude and start staring at her tits.

(source = splash news online)

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 1:18 PM

Elisabetta Canalis

JOE ROGAN – is the best analyst in any sport IMO, but he’s still a huge Fedor Emelianenko fan (more) despite the fact that Fedor hasn’t fought anyone of note since Nogueira 6 years ago. Saturday night Fedor lost a fight in the first round, and today Rogan will talk about this for the first time on his weekly podcast at 3pm pct. I’ve always said Fedor was overrated and wouldn’t be top 5 in the UFC, so does this mean I know more about MMA than Joe Rogan? Yes, yes it does. I’m clearly an unparalleled genius. (twitter)

LINDSAY LOHAN – is a Hollywood outcast. Last week I mentioned that she would send tweets to Katy Perry who always ignored them. The Star says she does the same thing with Gaga, Justin Bieber and Slash. The Star also says I have Americas Hottest Buns, so they seem to know what they’re talking about. (daily star)

LOUIS CK – talked to New York magazine to promote his new show, which premiers tonight on F/X. But skip it if you’re one of those who don’t think he’s funny. Skip it and then go slam your hand in a car door as punishment for your terrible terrible taste. (ny mag)

GEORGE CLOONEYS – girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis took out a little boat near Clooneys house on Lake Como in Italy. “Wow this dummy has a lot to learn about water safety,” said a guy who totally missed the point. (inf)

chris brown is a real hero

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 12:43 PM

Chris Brown was back in the news yesterday, and not because he…

…took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.
“(Rihanna) turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused (her) mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

No this time it was because he cried like a little girl with a broken arm Sunday night at the BET awards during a tribute to Michael Jackson. With that in mind, MTV asked around to see if his tears over a completely unrelated topic will somehow make people forget what he did to Rihanna. Alicia Quarles, Associated Press entertainment editor, said…

“You forget what a good performer he is. I think over the past year, so much has been overshadowing that, from his album not selling to him claiming record stores are boycotting him to him being denied entry into Europe. You forget that he’s a triple threat.
Everybody is talking about Chris Brown, and it’s about doing something positive for once.”

Erik Parker, who wrote a cover story on Brown for Vibe, added…

“I think people didn’t want to hear words from him. I don’t think they wanted to hear the words ‘I’m sorry,’. He couldn’t say anything enough; he had to prove it. For people to accept it, they had to first make him pay for it somehow, meaning put him through the wringer and get out all the anger they feel toward him. But he was unable to articulate how truly sorry he felt with just his words.”

Wait what? He was crying about Michael Jackson. What does that have to do with being sorry for beating the shit out of Rhianna. I can’t get over how many girls are ready to forgive this piece of shit. I need to start dating black girls. For one they’re often skinny with huge tits, but more to the point, at least according to this, as long as I don’t set them on fire they seem pretty easy going.

kelly brook bikini pictures, day 2

By brendon June 29, 2010 @ 9:37 AM

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Kelly Brook spent a second day in Barbados, this time in a green bikini, and the last few days have been magical because I almost have enough pictures to finally turn Tyler into the Kelly Brook fan page I’ve always dreamed of. IHeartKelly.com will be a lot like the old Tyler, except with nothing but pictures of Kellys tits, and way more sentences that end abruptly in the middle of a thought because I need to hop in the shower and rinse that stuff off.