NBC - doesn’t mind paying Conan O’Brien and his staff between 30 and 40 million as severance because it feels it can make 40M in profit the first year Leno comes back. This despite the fact that Lenos numbers dropped every year since 2005, and NBC only made 25M during his final year as host. It’s progressive thinking like this that guided them to a 600M loss this year. That should turn around soon though. In fact just last week they signed a development deal with the agent for Brittany Murphy. She’s so hot right now.
SPIDER-MAN 4 - will be directed by Mark Webb. His credits on IMDb look like this:
2009 – ’500 Days of Summer’
2005 – ‘Jesse McCartney Up Close’
You didn’t just black out by the way. He made a documentary about Jesse McCartney 5 years ago and then a movie nobody saw and now ‘Spider-Man 4′. Obviously he got the job because it’s Spider-Man and his name is “Webb” and Hollywood is run by fucking retards. He better sign his contract fast, before they find a directer named Peter Parker or Steven Spyderman.
CARRIE AMSTUTZ - was on the beach in Miami today, and to be honest I’m not entirely sure who she is, but love is like that sometimes. It’s a mystery filled with unexpected twists and surprises. (splash news online)
You probably know who Amanda Holden is even if you don’t recognize her name, because she’s that hot ass judge on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ that everyone saw on the clips of Susan Boyle and the little girl singing ‘Over The Rainbow’ and so on and so on. But today she was down on the beach in Antigua, stripped down to a bikini.
I wish I was there with her so she could judge my special talent, which luckily enough involves humping Amanda Holden for 24 hours straight without dying.
David Letterman was noticeably hoarse last night on his show, probably from cackling like a mad man as NBC and Jay Leno continue to screw up beyond all comprehension and get eviscerated by every branch of the media.
Dave spent an entire 6 minute break giving a beating to NBC and Lenos plea on Monday that people not blame Conan for this mess (video of that under the cut). And last night, as he led guest Chelsea Handler to a set made to look like a seedy motel room, Leno began to fight back by doing what he does best. By mixing failure with creepiness.
Jamie Grubbs was among the first to be named on the list of girls Tiger Woods was cheating on his wife with, and she’s the one who had her text messages from Tiger published by Us magazine, and now she’s the one in a bikini for the Aussie magazine ‘Ralph’. In fact she’s on the cover.
Once she see’s this, Lindsay Lohan will no doubt say she had sex with him too. And then Paris Hilton will write a book called, “My Lover, Tyler Woods”. And then Tila Tequila will say she and Tiger were actually engaged and then she’ll take pictures of herself in tears while she lays a tennis racket on his grave.
OK Go has become famous for their single-shot videos, and their treadmill video for ‘Here It Goes Again’ has almost 50 million views on youtube, making it one of the most popular videos ever (just behind the sneezing panda but ahead of that goofy little dick on his way home from the dentist).
Needless to say, following something so famous was gonna be hard. The most obvious way would be to dress like a high school marching band in a field and have the wind and horn section in sniper camouflage. And so that’s what they did. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
Tiger Woods is one of the most famous people on earth, but he hasn’t been seen in public for almost two months, ever since his 2:30am car crash on November 28th. Rumors have had him hiding out everywhere from Sweden to Arizona to Long Island to the middle of the Atlantic on his yacht, but 5 days ago I got word from a source that he was at a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It was only a rumor, and a crazy sounding one at that, but now (cue dramatic “DUN-DUN-DUN” music) I have the proof!
They don’t just hand out websites you know. As a universally respected journalist and sex symbol, I have contacts everywhere and my sources have infiltrated every corner of Hollywood, so I can’t reveal where this picture came from, but it’s the real deal. It’s Tiger Woods at the sex rehab. The only question now is where I should put all the “Worlds Best Reporter” trophies I’m bound to win.
THREATENING UPDATE – so the original picture had to be taken down because the national enquirer owns it, but it sort of looked like the new one that I made taking a picture of tiger and a picture of the rehab and combining them and then making them blurry. so this is what it looked like, except mine is even better because of how handsome he looks in his fancy tuxedo.
Mariah Carey was one of the few women who looked even remotely attractive at Sunday nights Golden Globe awards, so she’s understandably perplexed by people criticizing her dress as too provocative.
“I dressed very conservatively. My dress was long and my shoulders were covered. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”
Mariah is right, and if I had been there I would have shared her defiance. “This is ridiculous. She looks lovely and has absolutely nothing to apologize for,” I would have said while pretending not to stare at her tits.
CONAN O’BRIEN - is close to signing a 40 million dollar settlement with NBC to walk away from the Tonight Show, but as part of the deal he can’t insult NBC any more. If he does continue to make fun of them, NBC swears to God it’ll tell the teacher and then Conan is gonna be in so much trouble. (wsj)
BRITNEY SPEARS - might be crazy again, and her dad is threatening to send her back to a mental ward. Unfortunately his thick accent made “mental ward” sound like “menaward”, so Britney was sent to the GQ Mens Award show. That probably won’t help. (national enquirer)
KIM KARDASHIAN - shot down a rumor that she would get engaged to Reggie Bush if the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl, but the Minnesota Vikings insist it’s true. “That bitch is lying,” they said. “Reggie should stay out in LA and follow her around all night if that’s what it takes.” (us.com)
BAM MARGERA - is doing porn now. Or something. I’ll be honest I got as far as “Porn” and “Bam Mar…” before getting disgusted. (foundry)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO - is back together with Bar Refaeli apparently, because they went to a Laker game last night. I didn’t even know they had broken up. What else have you been hiding from me you son of a bitch! (splash news online)