Samuel L. Jackson says its motherfuckin bedtime

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 3:13 PM

‘Go The Fuck To Sleep’ is a bedtime story for children as told by someone who’s had it with this bullshit, and now it’s an audio book read by Samuel L. Jackson. So if you know what’s good for you, you little bastards will wash away your cares and drift away to dreamland, this instant, before you get a foot up your ass.

Vanessa Hudgens is being wasted

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 2:31 PM

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Vanessa Hudgens has taken some more pictures for irons a dairy Candies, who hopefully wanted pictures that were unsexy and unflattering, but also filled with random clutter and distracting props. “Let’s take the fantasy of a hot girlfriend doing housework mostly naked, but in a way so that it’s obvious she’s not really doing it, and actually is just on some shitty, hastily thrown together set.”

Mission accomplished, Candies!

someone tried to murder Joss Stone

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 1:07 PM

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Murder in England sounds really complicated, because police have arrested two men who were reportedly plotting to kill Joss Stone. With swords. She’s safe now but an APB has been issued for Captain Hook and Prince Humperdinck.

Two men have been arrested near Joss Stone’s home on suspicion of conspiracy to rob and murder, after reportedly being found in a car with swords, rope, a body bag, plans of her house (and) maps and aerial photos of her property.
…the men were arrested Monday morning near Stone’s house after residents reported a suspicious-looking vehicle.
Stone said in a statement that she was “absolutely fine and getting on with life as normal” as police faced a deadline to charge or release the suspects.

That map of her house was maybe the sort of thing they should have just memorized. You could maybe, maybe, bullshit your way around the swords and body bag, but not when they’re underneath a blueprint of the house your parked outside of. They might as well have had pictures of her with tomorrows date and X’s for eyes drawn over it.

Natalie Portman gave birth

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 10:34 AM

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Wait, was she pregnant? Because you could barely even tell.

The actress and fiancé Benjamin Millepied have welcomed a son, PEOPLE has exclusively learned.
Portman, 30, met choreographer Millepied on the set of Black Swan, for which she later won an Oscar for Best Actress.

And that’s basically the entire article. As you can tell, details are scarce right now. But, whatever, I’m just glad this is over. Pregnant women are so fucking gross. Remember back in Victorian times when some girl would get pregnant out of wedlock and her family would send her away for 8 months to have the baby and then she’d just come back like that shit never happened? We should start doing that again. What was wrong with that?

Tuesday headlines, with the return of Blake Lively

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 3:41 PM

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TRACY MORGAN – was so upset that he cried during his interview with Russell Simmons, according to Simmons. Wait, he cried? Hahaha, no way! Just like a little fa… oh, umm… ne-never mind. (popeater)

HUGH HEFNER – was supposed to get married to Playmate Crystal Harris in just 5 days (he’s 85 and she’s 25, btw), but he went on twitter today and wrote, “The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart.” Now replace the word “Crystal” with the word “Hugh” and “heart” with “diaper”. There’s your explanation. (e!)

BLAKE LIVELY – wore this sexy little dress this morning on ‘Today’ and ‘Regis and Kelly’ to promote ‘The Green Lantern’, which opens Friday, and what I wouldn’t give to get a look under that. I bet she’s… oh hey wait. Ok I gotta go. l’ll catch up to you guys later. (splash news, inf)

Sean Bean is the coolest dude on earth

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 3:02 PM

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It’s hard to say what Sean Bean is best known for, maybe ‘Lord of the Rings’ or ‘Goldeneye’ or now ‘Game of Thrones’, but that was before he went to a bar in London Sunday night with a Playboy model 30 years younger than him.

After that the story pretty much turns into a Dos Equis commercial.

Sean Bean was stabbed in the arm following a spat over a Playboy model outside a bar in London.
The row began when a passerby made some lewd comments about his date, named April Summers, a 22-year-old topless model who appeared in Italian Playboy.
Witnesses said Bean followed the man and challenged him. Bean was then stabbed in the arm with what was believed to be broken glass, when he went outside for a cigarette later that night.
Bean suffered a cut arm and a bruised face but did not want to go to hospital. He instead walked back into the bar and ordered another drink.

If you’ve ever done anything cooler than that, you’re lying. Ireland should put this guy on their money.

UPDATE: I could have sworn he was Irish.

many celebrities are practically retarded

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 1:49 PM

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Fergie has an interview in the new issue of Allure (though I’m not sure who that’s supposed to be on the cover) and she has a theory that might answer why there are so many pregnancy rumors about her.

“I think people think that I’m pregnant sometimes because my weight fluctuates.”

Ohh, gosh, you think? Could those two things be related somehow? It’s sounds crazy, but maybe. I wonder if Fergie could help me solve the mystery of my TV. It keeps going on and off, but only right after I hit the on and off button. I’m at a loss, I’ve changed every lightbulb in the house but it keeps happening. Can you help me Fergie? Is it as a ghost? Be honest with me.

Jennifer Aniston is a home wrecking whore

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 12:42 PM

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Jennifer Aniston has talked non stop for 6 years to make sure everyone knows how awful it was when the mean and wicked Angelina Jolie took out her claws to seduce and steal Brad Pitt. Very obviously Jennifer would never do anything like that.

Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has learned.

Oh.

Wait, so the guy Aniston has been publicly dating since mid-May, the one she went to the MTV Movie Awards with, was living with his girlfriend the entire time? Maybe they were already broken up but she just hadn’t moved yet.

Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend.”

Yeah but this is different because Angelina and Brad met on the set of ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’.

Aniston and Theroux met on the set of “Wanderlust” last fall, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.

No, but, wait, Jennifer told Vogue the thing that hurt was that Angelina stole Brad. She knew he wasn’t single but she flirted with him anyway. By stark contrast, look at how Aniston acted toward Theroux when they made their movie together.

…the tight twosome (have) already settled into a form of domestic bliss on set! “Jen would take care of me a little bit,” Justin said. “When I would feel low, she had all these Chinese herbal medicines she’d give me. If I caught a cold, she’d make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.”

Oh, gosh. So I guess it turns out that Jennifer Aniston is just a cunt. Gee what a surprise.