When the hell did this happen

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 5:32 AM

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I wish there was some way to cleanly edit out the little kid from this picture of Miley Cyrus in a bikini while at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas this weekend. But it’s a hot picture because she looks all sassy. Miley, not the kid. Let’s just pretend for one second that you’re supposed to be staring at high res pictures of a 16-year-olds ass in a bikini, and we’ll do that because pretending is fun, just like staring at a 16-year-olds ass in a bikini, but there’s really no way to explain why you have a picture of a little kid in a bikini. At best your explanation would be that your erection was in honor of the other underage girl, but the cops will still just focus on the mostly naked kid. Sounds like they’re the perverts, not me.

Portman says he’s not hittin it

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 1:17 AM

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For weeks it’s been rumored that Natalie Portman is doin it with Sean Penn, and if true the affair may have even been a factor in Penns wife filing for divorce, but Natalie would like to make it clear that this all propaganda and lies spread by enemies out to destroy her.

Sean Penn is a friend and colleague. The reports that we are romantically involved are completely untrue. I normally do not respond to rumors about my private life, however, this repeatedly fabricated story has forced me to do so.”

Hmm, interesting. So she felt the need to address this rumor because it was false, and yet she says nothing about rumors she broke into my house with a gun and used me as her sexual plaything. You do the math.

Justin Timberlake is screwed

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 2:45 PM

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A woman named Alison McDaniel filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against Justin Timberlake and three of his business partners today, the highlight of the suit being her claim that during her time as a manager in Timberlakes New York City restaurant, she was locked in a room with two male managers as they watched porn and laughed at her when she started to cry.  Umm, yeah, yeah that should do it.  The Daily News says…

McDaniel claims Timberlake business partners Eytan Sugarman and Ronnie Kaplan are guilty of “vile and discriminatory conduct.”
McDaniel, 29, said her job as general manager became an X-rated nightmare in which she was spit on, pelted with expletives and subjected to porn.
“In at least one instance, defendants Sugarman and Kaplan viewed … pornography while in a locked room with McDaniel and made fun of her when she began crying,” the suit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court claims.
McDaniel, who worked at the Second Ave. restaurant for a year, was fired after she wrote a memo complaining of the harassment, the suit claims.

Her claims are almost hard to believe because the scenario she describes with the porn is so outlandishly, unthinkably illegal.  Her lawyer probably saw nothing but a talking bag of money sitting across the desk when Allison explained all this.

Mariah Carey is a mess

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 11:14 AM

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Mariah Carey has the same two dresses in 1500 colors, and today she wore Dress 2 (Dress 1 is the one with the slit all the way up the leg) in France at the Cannes Film Festival, and for her sake she better have someone who can tell her to never do this again. Mariah is 40 pounds overweight and built like she’s filled with sand, so when all that gets shoved into a snakeskin dress five sizes too small it looks like a python is eating a gorilla. I can’t imagine that’s what she wanted.

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I hope you die

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 8:33 AM

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I’ve seen Marisa Millers husband a hundred times, and every single time I wanna throw a hammer at his stupid hipster face. What kind of dullard still thinks that haircut is cool? It’s cool in the same sense that a cartoon about a penguin in sunglasses is cool. I’m not even positive what the fuck that means but I’m pretty sure it makes sense.

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Sean Penn is still hittin this

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 7:43 AM

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Just about two months ago, Star magazine claimed that Natalie Portman had started “dating” Sean Penn. More specifically they said they were seen kissing at some party that I wasn’t invited to. A few weeks later, Penn’s wife Robin Wright filed for divorce, and then last Friday Star said Portman and Penn we’re still together, even though he’s 21 years older than she is (48, 27) and a joyless mumbling prick.

Point being, today Page Six chimes in too, saying..

Natalie Portman has been seen cavorting in LA with toxic lady-killer Sean Penn.

Natalie Portman is one of the best looking people on earth but she must have the self esteem of a fat chick with bad teeth because she dates some pretty weird dudes. She’s yet to date anyone as beautiful as she is. But how could she, we’ve never even met.

What an amazing achievement

By brendon May 15, 2009 @ 6:06 AM

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America isn’t as awesome as it used to be, because now we have all these God damn hippies constantly crying about everything, but we do still rule at everything good, including the killing power of our military and the handsomeness of our bloggers (*wink*).  Even the other countries that are good have to put up with queer little cars and an inexplicable number of naked men statues.

And now we can add The Worlds Largest Bikini Parade to our resume.  281 girls, led by Holly Madison, walked the strip in Vegas yesterday as part of the 50th anniversary of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign, and it was even certified by the Guinness Book Of World records (more here).  Suck on that Britain!

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“Everyone wants my hairstyle.”

By brendon May 14, 2009 @ 1:53 PM

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At first it may seem weird that Kate Gosselin’s hair stylist would screw with her and claim that people from all over the country want to copy her look, but then you remember that Kate Gosselin is an annoying pain in the ass and it starts to make sense.

Kate says her spiky bob hairstyle reflects her feisty personality.
“It’s my attitude! Everybody wants it.” she tells Entertainment Weekly.
But not everybody can pull it off.
“I have very, very thick hair, so it’s not going to work for everybody,” she says. “I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it’s just won’t work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country.”

So half of her evidence that everybody wants to copy her hairstyle is because she sees lots of people who don’t have it.  Ahhh, I see.  That would shut up most people but not Kate. To be honest that haircut makes her look like one of those paper turkey centerpieces kids use at Thanksgiving (this), but when you’re in love with yourself as much as this bitch is even that probably sounded like a compliment.