Lindsay is dirty in every way

By brendon May 13, 2009 @ 5:40 AM

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LAPD investigated a burglar alarm yesterday at the home of Lindsay Lohan, and after they waded through the mess and broken debris left behind, they discovered that the burglar never actually made it into the house and that Lindsay is a lazy pig. The Daily Mail says…

The apartment looked like it had been ransacked, but closer forensic examination discovered that the mess was actually left by Li-Lo herself
There were pry marks on the back door and tampering with the back window.
LAPD’s finest discovered that no-one had entered the house and nothing had been stolen, but officer Karen Rayner said the place was so messy that they had to contact the actress – who is currently in Paris – and ask: “Is it normally like this, or did intruders do it?”

If you go to all the trouble of breaking into a celebrities house you expect it to be worth the risk. Instead this poor bastard found himself in the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Arc. He braves poison needles and dirt and spiders to finally pick up something good and then it turns out that bag of cocaine was a load-bearing bag of cocaine and now everything is crashing down around him and chasing him out the door.

(image source of Lindsay yesterday in Paris somehow = splash)

Kate says she isn’t cheating

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 2:14 PM

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Kate Gosselin, the Kate part of TLC’s hit show “John and Kate Plus Eight”, is still reeling from reports that her husband is cheating on her, but good news, now there’s something to take her mind off that.

Two weeks after stories linked her husband, Jon Gosselin, with a 23-year-old school teacher, Kate says she is now the target of tabloid lies.
“The next story coming out from the animals that stalk us is about our security person and his family,” Kate tells PEOPLE exclusively. “Already the allegations they’re making about me are disgusting, unthinkable, unfathomable, and I am horrified.”

I was watching the NFL draft and some team drafted some guy and the commentator on the NFL Network said, “This guy is a monster, literally a monster!” And I thought, wait, literally a monster? Meaning what, he lives under a bridge and eats kids? Why don’t people care anymore that words have specific meanings. It’s not “unfathomable” you dumb bitch. Your sleeping around is not just as likely as a UFO attack. That bitch is guilty. She’s blowin every dude she can. Only guilty people try so hard to make you think they’re innocent.

Vanessa Hudgens will get naked

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 1:05 PM

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That hot little bitch Vanessa Hudgens, star of “High School Musical” and several erotic daydreams, tells E! Online that she has no aversion to getting naked (which should have been obvious) and she wouldn’t hesitate to get naked on screen for the right part.

“I will show nudity in a film when the time is right,” Hudgens, 20, told us. “Right now, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it, but like I said, when the time’s right, if it’s an amazing movie that I’m really passionate about and that’s what it calls for, then we’ll see.”

What a coincidence, because I know of an amazing movie that Vanessa would be perfect for. It’s called, “Vanessa Hudgens Takes a Shower and Caresses Her Breasts.” It opens with one of those classy uninterrupted one-shots like Robert Altman used to open “The Player.” But where his was only 8 minutes long, mine is 95, or until the battery on my camera dies. The movie begins with Vanessa taking her clothes off and taking a shower, but then there’s a twist toward the end that I can’t really talk about because it will ruin the surprise.

Carrie Prejean is still Miss California

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 11:39 AM

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Miss USA pageant owner Donald Trump announced today that Miss California Carrie Prejean will not be stripped of her crown over newly discovered shocking topless pictures, possibly because the pictures are neither topless nor shocking. People.com says…

Prejean, 21, failed to reveal before last month’s Miss USA pageant that she had posed in her underwear as a teenager. But Trump said, “We are in the 21st century … and Carrie is a model, she’s a very successful model, we have determined – and we have the absolute right under the contract – we have determined that the pictures taken are fine.”

Are people under the impression that Miss California is like the governor or something? It’s sort of implied that any contest that includes the contestant in a bikini and high heels won’t result in the winner being given control of the legislature, so calm down everyone. She’s pretty, and she thinks things that may or may not be what you think, but that’s okay because we allow that here. She has power over my pants and whether they stay on or come off, but that’s about where her authority ends.

More good news for Chris Brown

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 9:26 AM

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Rihanna has yet to comment publicly about the night her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown did this to her, but she has recorded a new single with Kanye and Lady GaGa (hear it on Kanyes website here or download it here), and if Brown has any illusions about Ri taking him back this should promptly put an end to that. Lyrics about buying flowers for his funeral don’t leave much room for interpretation.

You comin with those corny lines
Can’t live without me
I’ll get some flowers for the day that you are buried
No, people make mistakes
But I just think your ass is fake
Only thing I want from you, is for you to (stay away)

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around musical revenge. What is this, “West Side Story”? Are we gonna sing catchy songs about trouble or is Kanye gonna remember that he’s a rapper and shoot that punk in his his nuts. Remember in “A Mighty Wind” when that guy said, “There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature”? This is that, yet in real life for some reason. Not so scary, is it?

Now we’re gettin somewhere

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 8:17 AM

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Are pictures of Ashley Tisdale in a bikini a big deal? If so that is so sad I don’t even wanna think about it. The picture source (mavrix) said why she was in Miami and I started to read what they said but then I realized it couldn’t possibly matter so I stopped. She’s face down and mostly naked with something over her head so I assume she’s practicing for an audition.

Are we still doing this?

By brendon May 12, 2009 @ 6:18 AM

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It seems impossible that we’re still talking about this, but apparently we are because today there are shocking new pictures of Miss California who, other than that top she’s wearing, is COMPLETELY TOPLESS!!!

These pics were taken just last year.  This time, Carrie dropped her top for a professional photo shoot … another partially nude gig that she forgot to tell the Miss California officials about.  Donald Trump will decide today whether or not he’ll give Carrie the heave ho.

TMZ has 15 pictures, and in 4 of those they had to censor what might be one nipple. The one up top on the left is by far the worst. At least TMZ has the decency to call it (*) “partially nude”.  Perez Hilton says:

Carrie Prejean and her publicists have repeatedly sworn up and down that she only ever posed topless once.
Well, they’re fucking liars!  What does Jesus say about liars????
She’s not modeling lingerie in these pics! This is a full-on tittie shoot!

I don’t mean to nit-pick by pointing out what words mean, but either Miss California is a zebra or those gray things on the side of her torso are a “top”.  That is not “full-on” or “topless” or a “tittie shoot”, at least not based on any rational definition of those terms.

And … umm, at one point I saved two pictures of Diora Baird of “Star Trek”, one early naked modeling picture and one from Playboy (here and here) because I had some amazing point to make that involved tits but then I stared at her tits for 20 minutes and now I can’t remember what that was. But I’m sure it was brilliant. So if you could make up your own brilliant point and then write it on the screen as if I said it that would really help me out.

“You call this fat?”

By brendon May 11, 2009 @ 3:25 PM

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This months Vanity Fair has Jessica Simpson on the cover (here) and right across the top it says, “YOU CALL THIS FAT?” And “FAT” is in extra-big caps and italicized, as if to indicate that the person who said it was in disbelief at being called fat. And you have to admit, the pretend version of Jessica Simpson they have on the cover doesn’t look fat at all. She looks terrific.  Similarly, here’s a picture of a bunny in a top hat and bow tie.  I think someone’s got a hot date tonight, haha.   Lookin good, Mr. B!

Meanwhile, back on earth, Jessica Simpson shouldn’t be daring people to call her fat when she’s very clearly fat. I’m sure if someone made me some Daisy Dukes with an elastic waistband I could fit into them too, that doesn’t mean I should or that anyone would think for one instant that I even vaguely resembled Daisy Duke.

(image source = pacific coast)