eva longoria can clear up this nicollette sheridan thing

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 3:30 PM

Nicolette Sherdan

Yesterday it was reported that Nicollette Sheridan is suing Marc Cherry, the creator of ‘Desperate Housewives’, and alleging that he slapped her in the face, then fired her when she threatened to report him. It’s a wild story, but luckily Eva Longoria was on Ryan Seacrests radio show today, and she’s probably really clear about this whole thing.

“I’m really confused about this whole thing. I would love to see her to find out if everything’s okay.”
Longoria says she doesn’t know the details of the alleged incident, “I know they did have a thing on set,” she says, adding that Cherry “probably could not harm a fly.”
“I guess it was a couple years ago. I wasn’t on set when it happened but apparently this incident had happened and she felt it was wrong,” she says.
When asked to clarify what kind of incident it was, Longoria says that Sheridan “was doing a scene, something that [Marc] was showing her how to do … Honestly I wish I knew.”
And while she hopes things work out for Sheridan, Longoria is also crossing her fingers the show will get past the lawsuit. “I love the show so much,” she says, “I would hate for anything tarnish the reputation of the show.”

We should judge people based on appearance way more than we do now. It seems like that would work. I think everyone from the middle east is here to kill me, for example, and Asian girls are monogamous yet slutty. And so far so good on both counts. And since Marc Cherry looks like a really tall infant, I’ve decided he’s not going around slapping women. And then I would say, “Your witness, councilor” and everyone would be real impressed by my Aristotelean logic.

kate gosselin is delightful

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 12:35 PM

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The past 18,000 stories about Kate Gosselin have all centered around one main theme; she’s an unlikable and mean old bitch. But maybe this new story will be different (note – it’s not different).

Kate Gosselin is so standoffish on Dancing With the Stars, she has show staffers contact her through her bodyguard, reports the new issue of Us Weekly. 
 “She acts like a major celebrity. It’s a joke with the cast.”
Gosselin — who was criticized as looking like a “super bitch from hell” during last Monday’s dance — hasn’t bothered getting to know any of the other contestants either.
“When she is getting her hair done, she is on her BlackBerry the whole time… [she] is not making herself likable,” another insider says, adding that the
has not been invited out to any of the cast’s Monday postshow afterparties.

These other people all sound real jealous, probability because Gosselin is such a talented lady. How many women a year have kids? 5 or 6 at the most, I would think. I know there was one in the Bible that did it. And there was one in China. This is why Kate is still there but last night they kicked off Buzz Aldrin. It’s ‘Dancing With The STARS‘, Buzz. Now beat it. Play your cards right and maybe Kate will give you an autograph. Yeah, he piloted the first rocket to land on the moon. 40 years ago. Who cares? It would be one thing if he had to battle vampires up there, but they don’t really have those, despite what the liberal media would like you to believe.

which one is madonna?

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 11:44 AM

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Madonna of course stole adopted a little girl from Malawai last year, and this week the two of them returned for the groundbreaking of a new school for girls. Madonna is bankrolling most of this, but please don’t think that stopped her from looking like an elitist old cunt for even one day.

The average person in Malawai makes $160 a year, so maybe it was insensitive to wear 1000 dollar boots to christen a villages well. Her first clue should have been that they have a fucking well. If you’re someplace with a well, that place sucks.

And she wore a pair of 300 dollar sunglasses. Oh I’m sorry, two pair. From a new line of sunglasses that will be out in May called MDG. The ‘D’ stands for ‘Dolce’. The “G” stands for ‘Gabbana’. Now try and guess who the ‘M’ stands for. Hurry up and guess because I’m no good with secrets.

But I wasn’t there, I don’t know for sure. Maybe they thought her 5,000 dollar watch was neat. Maybe they were smiling and happy to see oh never mind.

(Have you guessed yet? It’s Madonna! The ‘M’ stands for ‘Madonna’.)

jenny mccarthy is single

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 9:28 AM

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Jim Carey announced on Twitter last night that he and Jenny McCarthy have broken up after dating for almost 5 years. Many were surprised by this revelation, because it means that people are following Jim Carey on Twitter for some inexplicable reason.

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

And Jenny bid a fond farewell in 140 characters or less too.

I’ m so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

Jim Carey is an idiot so Jenny is screwed now. There aren’t many people left dumb enough to put up with her. Because she doesn’t believe in vaccines or science or dinosaurs or whatever. She better hope they never cure autism because a rich guy with that might be her last chance.

sandra denies having a sex tape

By brendon April 06, 2010 @ 5:30 PM

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Sandra Bullock hasn’t said a word in public since the news broke about her husband whoring around, but the rumor of a sex tape – even though it’s the dumbest thing you’ll ever hear and the source is a fuckin idiot who clearly just makes things up – was enough to force her to make a statement.

“There is no sex tape,” she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. “There never has been one and there never will be one.”
Until now, Bullock, 45, had not commented, remaining in seclusion since reports surfaced that James, 40, allegedly had cheated on her with at least four other women.
She spoke out in response to an online report that James possesses a graphic sex tape which he could possibly use as leverage in a divorce case.

‘Demolition Man’ came out in 1993, and ‘Speed’ was one year later. So Sandra Bullock has been really famous for almost 20 years. How many bad things have you ever heard about her? Total. I can’t think of one. Not one bad story or rumor in 20 years. Yet suddenly she’s a Nazi shoving guns up her ass? That sounds like 5 different rumors about 5 different people just crammed into one. There’s probably a longer version of this rumor where she pours AIDS into the water supply and works for the Men in Black.

Star Wars: The Sitcom

By brendon April 06, 2010 @ 2:14 PM

It’s awesome that Red Letters ‘Star Wars’ prequel reviews have gone viral in the past view days, because he LOL’ingly points out (in a review that’s longer than the movie) that George Lucas is a retard who has no idea WTF he’s doing. ‘Empire Strikes Back’ is the main reason people love ‘Star Wars’, and that’s the only one Lucas didn’t write or direct.

And it’s a good thing, because when Lucas gets involved, shit like this happens:

In the latest attempt to wring every possible cent out of Star Wars, the head Jedi has announced plans to spin off an untitled animated comedy series that “will look at the saga’s characters with a playful and irreverent tone,” per Lucasfilm.
Helping to oversee the hijinks will be former Scoobster Seth Green, who’s earned Emmy nods for spoofing the Skywalker gang in his Robot Chicken.
“It’s crazy to think that there aren’t normal, mundane everyday problems in a world so well-defined,” says Green, hinting at the show’s premise. “What do these characters do when they’re not overthrowing Empires?”

Yeah, because that’s the interesting part about a Jedis life. The everyday stuff. The movies never really explained what would happen if Luke ever forgot his anniversary, or if Han Solo and Chewbacca opened a restaurant. It kinda wrecked the whole movie because I didn’t know.

nicollette sheridan got slapped in the face

By brendon April 06, 2010 @ 12:06 PM

Nicolette Sherdan

Nicollette Sheridan has made some astounding claims about Marc Cherry, the creator of “Desperate Housewives,” alleging he SLAPPED HER IN THE FACE after she questioned something in the script, then fired her when she threatened to tell on him. No one likes a tattle-tale, Nicollette.

Nicollette is suing for assault and battery, gender violence and wrongful termination.
Sheridan is suing for more than $20 million.
Sheridan says during the 5th season, Cherry put her in his crosshairs. She claims on September 24, 2008, he physically assaulted her after she questioned him about something in the script. According to the lawsuit, “Cherry took her aside and forcefully hit her with his hand across her face and head.”
According to the suit, after the alleged incident, Cherry went to her trailer to “beg forgiveness.”
Sheridan says she immediately reported the incident to ABC, but Cherry’s aggressiveness only worsened and ABC failed to take action.

But according to the LA Times:

“While we have yet to see the actual complaint, we investigated similar claims made by Ms. Sheridan last year and found them to be without merit.”

In Cherrys defense, actors are usually idiots and shouldn’t question anything. Just say the words on the page, monkey. Of course that’s no excuse to slap her in the face. What a dickhead. Someone should go kick that guys ass. Not me though. He sounds mean. And I’m to pretty to risk.

michelle hunziker in a bikini, part 2

By brendon April 06, 2010 @ 11:26 AM

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As was first reported yesterday in a Tyler exclusive, Swiss models are attractive, and to illustrate this point pictures of Michelle Hunziker in a bikini on Miami Beach were thankfully included.

My claims caused quite a controversy, so today I was going to post pictures of me dressed as a Mathamagician for Halloween in the 11th I mean 5th grade. But then I thought new pictures of Michelle in a bikini might be more persuasive, so we’ll try it this way first.