He killed himself

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 7:42 AM

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Ryan Jenkins, the dude who was a finalist on the VH1 show “Megan Wants a Millionaire” last month but more to the point chopped up his wife and shoved her in a suitcase last week, was found dead last night in a secluded budget motel in British Columbia, Canada. And this isn’t really related but you can get some kick ass weed up there. The AP says…

On Sunday evening, police responded to a call from motel staff about a dead person, and then called investigators who were part of the manhunt for Jenkins.
The manager of The Thunderbird Motel and his nephew said they found Jenkins hanging from the bar of a coat rack by a belt. They said a young woman had checked him in to the two-story inn surrounded by trees.

I’m glad they mentioned what the motel was surrounded by. It would have ruined the whole story had I not known. And even though he went out like a panicky little woman, other motel guests said Jenkins last days were grim.

Walker said he saw a man walk past his own balcony at the motel — a man who would later turn out to be Jenkins.
“In no way shape or form did he look like the man on TV,” he said. “He looked spent.”
“He didn’t look like the Ryan Jenkins I’d seen. He looked like a man at the end of his rope.”

Hahaha. I just wanted to include that part about him being at the end of his rope. And one of the cops said, “The ring was tightening around him.” I like to think these Canadians were doing a bunch of hanging puns but probably not. “I told him to hang in there. Times would be tough but if he tightened his belt he’d get through it.”

I think it was the Egyptians who used to take a cow and slice open it’s stomach and then sew a prisoner inside it up to his neck, where only his head was sticking out. The mans knees were pulled up to his chest and bound along with his hands and feet so he wasn’t going anywhere. Then they would put the dead cow on the bank of a river and just let it bake in the sun. So the dude would sit there in this rotting flesh with that smell and ooze and all the bugs crawling on his face, and of course crocodiles and buzzards and all that. I wish there was some way to bring this Ryan dude back to life so we could kill him again like that. But we probably wouldn’t be allowed to, now that all these pussy Democrats are in charge.

Brad Pitt is fussy

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 6:28 PM

Brad Pitt has done commercials before that aired only in Japan, but the two newest stand out because they’re directed by the great Spike Jonze. His idea was for Pitt to act real prissy and set it to awesome music (Department of Eagles, by the way). Some translation error must have made the Japanese think Pitt was gonna get chased through a spaceship by a 6-foot penis in a cowboy hat, because the Japanese are nuts, and there’s no way they approved this artistic beauty crap.

(2nd commercial on Jonzes site here. DL this song for free here.)

The USA kicks ass

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 4:14 PM

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Ashley Roberts of the Pussycat Dolls hit the beach in Malibu yesterday, and look how peaceful and pristine our beaches are here in America. Doesn’t that look relaxing. The other countries where bikini pictures come from usually suck ass. The beach is super crowded and some dirty kids will be chasing a chicken. Everything is real shitty and broken. It’s like they’re in the future, but not the good future. The Terminator one.

The definitive Lindsay Lohan picture

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 2:34 PM

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Leathery spotted skin. Over-processed hair. Cigarette. No bra and a sheer shirt. Trying to be something she’s not, in this case with lip collagen. Pretending to want privacy when she’s the one who called the paparazzi in the first place.

It’s too bad she’s not walking down a spiral staircase because that’s the only element preventing this from showing her entire life in one single picture.

Dumped after one date

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 12:43 PM

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Jennifer Aniston feels “screwed over” after Bradley Cooper took her on one date then never called her desperate, needy ass again.  Because instead he started dating Renee Zellweger. Why would he do this? Because Renee Zellweger is way better that’s why. Us magazine says…

“She wanted to turn her date with Cooper into something…she honestly feels screwed over,” a pal tells Us of Aniston
Aniston “doesn’t see what Renee has that she doesn’t,” continues the pal.
But friends of Zellweger detail why Cooper fell for the “no drama” actress.
“She just does her thing, has her friends and her life and is cool. She’s really happy and doesn’t need anyone to feel complete,” says one.
Despite Cooper’s diss, Aniston will eventually bounce back, her friends insist.
“She had a major crush on him and she let him know. He didn’t reciprocate. She is fine,” her friend tells Us. “She’s used to being single and in work mode, and she’s used to rejection.”

God this chick is dumb. Maybe just maybe the first date isn’t the time to show him the scrapbook you’ve been keeping with all his pictures, the ones where Jennifer Garner and Rachel McAdams all have X’s for eyes. She hasn’t learned a thing. She’s even dumber that that punk ass kid in the Cingualr commercials. The goddamn minutes roll over, what is so hard to understand about that? They’re all the same. Today, last month, last year. Stop being such a smug little prick and listen to your mom.

Kunis + Portman = “aggressive sex”

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 11:42 AM

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I’m not gonna lie to you, getting Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman to F each other is something I would very much like to see. Oh hey good news…

Script Shadow has reviewed the script for the upcoming Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis project Black Swan … “in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We’re talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex.”

Directed by the great Darren Aranofsky (the Wrestler, the Fountain) the film “focuses on a dancer with a New York ballet troupe, and the in-fighting and back-stabbing over the lead role in an upcoming production of Swan Lake.”

Stuff like that is why I got out of ballet. I just couldn’t deal with the politics anymore. I still dance of course but not for the stage. And I run the Marie Taglioni School in Moscow.  It may not make for an interesting movie, but it reminds me why I began to dance in the first place.

“removed the teeth and fingers…”

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 10:45 AM

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Yikes. Ryan Jenkins, the finalist from the VH1 show “Megan Wants a Millionaire”, the one now hiding in Canada after killing onetime Playboy model Jasmine Fiore, gets an A for effort when it comes to killing people in accordance with things he thinks he learned from Martin Scorsese movies. It didn’t work but he certainly gave it his all.

Police said Thursday that Jenkins, 32, removed the teeth and fingers of 28-year-old Jasmine Fiore, presumably to impede authorities in their efforts to identify the naked body, which was found stuffed in a suitcase in a California trash bin over the weekend.
Fiore, a former swimsuit model, and Jenkins were briefly married after a quickie Las Vegas wedding this year, and had been fighting in recent months. Prosecutors said the two checked into a San Diego hotel last Thursday, and Jenkins checked out the next morning. Fiore was not seen alive again.

Did they move San Diego or something? It’s still on the water, 5 minutes from Mexico, right? He could have thrown her in the ocean or driven across the border and propped her up in a bar with one of those big hats on her head. A week later she’d still be there but in a swimsuit and a sash indicating she won the Miss Tecate bikini contest.

Alexis Bledel is dangerous

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 10:44 AM

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Alexis Bledel is every perverts dream come true because she’s like 25 or something but she looks 15. And innocent. But with a hot body. I would dress her up in pigtails and a girl scout outfit and have her come to the door to sell cookies except I’m pretty sure I’d get arrested. I don’t know if I should bang her or rub her head and get her a glass of milk.