Charlie Sheen is exhausting

By brendon March 02, 2011 @ 11:35 AM

Charlie Sheen is impossible to keep up with these days, because when you do that much coke you have boundless energy, but this mornings headline is that his wife Brooke Mueller filed for sole custody of their two-year-old twin boys yesterday, then got a restraining order against Sheen after he allegedly told her “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom.” *

That would be illegal, so Brooke got a restraining order preventing him from going near her or their boys, so police went to Sheens house last night and removed them. He told the Today show this morning…

“This is not about emotions, not about ego — it’s about getting very focused, getting very much in touch with what I have to do to complete the task of bringing these two beautiful young men back to the home they deserve to be raised in. There’s more love, compassion, support, childcare and everything else you could possibly want for a child here in this lovely home — it’s not a house, it’s a home.”

Holy Shit there were kids in that house this whole time? Oh my fucking god, Charlie Sheen shouldn’t be allowed to raise a cactus, much less two human beings.

(* Sheen may or may not have really said that, but he does love bringing the girls parents into it. In 2007 he wrote an email to then-wife Denise Richards and told her to “go cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.” Her mom was bald because she had cancer, by the way. In 2008 he told Denise, “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom.” I think he took that one from a greeting card.)

Charlie Sheen has joined twitter

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 7:28 PM

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Charlie Sheen has a twitter page now, so as soon as he can find a computer that isn’t a secret portal for Illumanati assassins to enter his mind, he’ll post his indecipherable rambling, unedited, for everyone to see.

None of which has anything to do Megan Dedousis and her absolutely perfect ass by the way. But she emailed me pictures, and I’m tired of looking at Charlie Sheen. To thank her you should go to Fox Sports once a day until Sunday and vote for her in the Hooters Dream Girl contest. If you vote for her every day, she’ll probably be so impressed she’ll want to be your girlfriend and then do it with you.

Katie Holmes is suing Star for $50 million

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 6:52 PM

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Katie Holmes has filed a 50 million dollar lawsuit against Star magazine for their January 31st cover story, not only because it wrongly infers that she’s addicted to drugs, but because they don’t actually think she’s addicted to drugs either, despite the words DRUG SHOCKER! in a font size magazines normally reserve for Martian attacks.

Inside the issue, the story does not say that Holmes uses drugs but focuses more on her use of an “e-meter” during Scientology sessions, which allegedly reflects past emotional experiences.

Nonetheless, Star says…

“Star fully stands behind the editorial integrity of what we have published concerning Ms Holmes’ controversial use of the Scientology e-meter. The physical effect of the e-meter on its users is a matter of significant public concern, and we plan to vigorously defend the suit filed by Ms. Holmes. Our attorneys look forward to deposing Ms. Holmes about her experiences with Scientology and the e-meter, and expect that the case will be promptly dismissed by the court.”

The balls on this guy. I guess they’re saying the e-meter is a drug. I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty sure I know what the word “drug” means. Star should be grateful she’s only suing for money. This is so intentionally misleading and defamatory, if I were on that jury and she wanted the men set on fire and the women to have their vaginas sewn shut, I would do it.

Charlie Sheen denies that he hits women

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 6:08 PM

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Charlie Sheen was on CNN last night with Piers Morgan, who asked Sheen if he’s ever hit a woman. Before we get to Sheens answer, here are a few examples of times he’s hit a woman.

- He shot Kelly Preston. (imdb)
- He hit a UCLA co-ed in the back of the head after she refused to sleep with him. (people)
- He flung Brittany Ashland to the ground, which split open her lip and would require 7 stitches. (e!)
- He held a knife to the throat of his wife Brooke Mueller. (daily mail)
- He threatened to kill Denise Richards and Capri Anderson. (people, nydn)

Okay so here’s what Sheen said…

“I have not, no. No, women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed, you know?
“I’m sorry, there was an incident years ago, and everybody thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went to the ground… her initials are B.A.”

That would be Brittany Ashland. He didn’t mention that she needed stitches in her lip. Maybe he forgot. Luckily her attorney has issued a statement to remind him about that and a few other details.

“(Sheen) failed to state that he was charged with one count of battery with serious injury … He entered a plea of no contest to that charge. No contest has the same effect as a guilty plea for his crime.
“For that conviction, he was sentenced to one year jail time, which was suspended. In addition, he was sentenced to two years of probation, $1,200.00 fine, 300 hours of community service and eight counseling sessions.”

Sheen thinks he’s cool because he takes these girls shopping and on trips, but those guys who took Liam Neeseons daughter in Taken bought her a new dress and took her on a boat too. So what you do with the girl before and after is also kind of a big deal, as it turns out.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco hate each other

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 2:19 PM

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It didn’t work out, but Anne Hathaway at least tried to be good at hosting the Academy Awards on Sunday night, she at least failed with enthusiasm, which is more than can be said for James Franco.

Franco told Vanity Fair that he didn’t care if he turned out to be a bad host, if it was “the worst Oscars show ever,” then proved it by rocking back and forth and mumbling for 4 hours. He even skipped his own after party and instead went directly to the airport and flew to New York (much to the surprise of people like Seth Rogen and Kevin Spacey).

Suffice to say that Anne saw this coming.

A source tells Us Weekly that Anne Hathaway, 28, and James Franco grew to “hate each other” as they rehearsed to host the Oscars.
“She had to provide all the energy — he was just phoning it in,” says a second insider.
“James seemed in his own little world,” during the Oscar telecast, says another source. “Producers were pissed.”

Anne is the one who really should be pissed. She should have taken his dick and slammed it in a book after the first commercial break, or put some cigarettes out on it to wake that stoner up.

thankfully, Chris Brown has fully recovered

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 12:38 PM

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Last week Media Take Out released 2 new pictures of Rihanna, taken shortly after she was beaten up by her boyfriend Chris Brown on February 8th, 2009. Now they have a picture of Chris that same night, apparently taken by the police who were being sarcastic.

According to legend, these show Brown with a busted and inflamed lip, though to be honest I can’t see any difference. Which makes me feel vaguely racist. So thanks Media Take Out, way to make me feel bad about myself.

Christina Aguilera arrested for public intoxication

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 11:04 AM

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Matthew Rutler, the KFed to Christina Aguileras tubby and eventually crazy Britney, was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence, but in his defense he had to drive because Christina was even drunker.

People says…

The two were booked at a West Hollywood Sheriff’s station at 2:45 a.m.
According to TMZ’s report, a law enforcement source says that Aguilera, 30, who was booked on a misdemeanor charge, was “extremely intoxicated” and “unable to take care of herself.”

I’m not a man who prays very often, but pplleeaassee let that mean that she pee’d on herself.

CBS has asked John Stamos about replacing Charlie Sheen

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 4:56 PM

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Everyone seems to understand this but Charlie Sheen, but Charlie Sheen is crazy now. Earlier today his longtime publicist Stan Rosenfield resigned, saying

“I worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much, however, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned.”

To which Sheen replied with equal dignity and poise.

“Pussy. He’s not allowed to quit, so you’re fired.”

A lawyer for Sheen has also now sent a letter to CBS demanding he get paid for the 8 episodes of Two and a Half Men that they had to cancel because of him, but CBS has lawyers too, and they’re way better than Charlie Sheens, so instead of cowering in fear and catering to his every whim, they’re in active talks to replace him. E! says…

While Charlie Sheen was on a press tour this weekend, CBS’ top boss was on a quest to save Two and a Half Men.
I just got word that Les Moonves had a nice chat with John Stamos on Saturday about replacing Sheen on the hit sitcom.
Sources exclusively tell me that Moonves approached Stamos at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s Night Before benefit at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
“They were at the bar talking and Les asked John if he’d be interested in replacing Charlie,” one source says. “It wouldn’t be to play Charlie’s character but they talked more about introducing a new character.”

It seems unlikely that this would work but the show was doomed anyway because of Sheens behavior over the past month. Still I bet the cast is looking forward to working with someone who isn’t being kept alive by stabbing a gallon of cocaine into his heart every morning.