gwyneth paltrow is tricky

By brendon September 08, 2009 @ 12:42 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow and her kids were in Barcelona over the weekend, so look for one of her future “advice” columns to be, “go to Barcelona. It’s so charming.” As if no one had ever thought of that shit before and the reason we haven’t been vacationing there is because we were waiting for it to be Gwyneth Approved.

Her boobs seem to hate her as much as the rest of us because one of them tried to make a break for it before they all got trapped together on a plane. Luckily for everyone with eyes she was wearing a nude-colored bra, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to hear the security guards instructions over all the terrified screaming.

(hq jump here. source = splash news online)

eva mendes is ridiculous

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 5:38 PM

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Eva Mendes stars with Nic Cage in the sequel to ‘Bad Lieutenant’, and as always she looked terrific at it’s Venice premier last night.  It didn’t hurt that she occasionally flicked her tongue at the photographers, as if giving the paparazzi erections would make them take better pictures.  It won’t. Considering several kids movies are also premiering at this festival, all it probably does is get them arrested.

sara tommasi knows how to dress

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 5:32 PM

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Italian actress Sara Tommasi walked the red carpet for the Venice Film Festival last night, but much more importantly she spent the day before walking around in a top that was completely over-matched as it tried to hold down her awesome tits. Later these pictures would be used as evidence in my trial with her attorney labeling me as a “sexual predator”.

“Sexual Tiger” is more like it, baby.

Who the hell invited her?

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 5:11 PM

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Paris Hilton and her boyfriend who I think is named Greg also walked the red carpet for the ‘Bad Lieutenant’ premiere in Venice, and even though they at least dressed up it still begs the question, “… what?”  What in the hell are those dullards doing there?  The only time I would invite Paris Hilton and her lover to my movie is if it was a trick and I needed someone to inject with experimental AIDS medicines.

Thanks for getting dressed up

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 4:58 PM

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Mel B and her husband whose name I don’t remember and don’t feel like looking up walked the red carpet in Venice, Italy last night for the premiere of the Nic Cage sequel to ‘Bad Lieutenant’, and kudos to him for getting all dressed up. He’s the kind of asshole you see in commercials underneath a giant red X because he can’t ever do anything right. Thanks to these two the glamorous red carpet looked like a JC Penny ‘Back to School” commercial.

my prayers have been answered

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 3:37 PM

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The Sun UK breathlessly announced today that ‘Gia’, the HBO movie starring Angelina Jolie as 70′s supermodel Gia Carangi, is being remastered and released in HD. This is noteworthy because ‘Gia’ is the movie where Angelina walks around naked constantly and has sex with other girls, namely Elizabeth Mitchell from ‘Lost’. So unloved perverts pretending they’re the ones that a fully naked Angelina is begging not to leave after a night of hot sex is a thing of the past, or will be as soon as my copy arrives.

(sexy naked screencaps on the other side)

Read more >

At least the beach looks pretty

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 1:54 PM

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Stephanie Pratt, Kristin Cavallari, and Lo Bosworth filmed scenes for ‘The Hills’ in Malibu yesterday, and if you squint and pretend it’s a casket that Stephanie is climbing in and sailing away on like a Viking funeral these pictures are actually somewhat satisfying. If that’s working you can also imagine grabbing that paddle out of her hand and smashing her brother in the face until all his teeth break in half and stick into his tongue. The internet has widdled my imagination down to a nub, so neither of those worked for me. Instead I just turned my monitor off and admired the sexy man staring back at me. Well hello there handsome, what’s your name?

(hq jump = here. source = splash news online)

(say something nice)

By brendon September 04, 2009 @ 12:40 PM

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Jessica Simpson was the big surprise guest model for Ozlem Suers fashion show last night in Paris. You may be wondering what kind of fashion designer still thinks its a good idea to have Jessica Simpson model their clothes. The answer is a fashion designer who wears leggings and what appears to be a maternity dress, and who looks sort of like Fionna from Shrek after she married Shrek. Be still my heart.