‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ hits an exciting new low

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 5:35 PM

‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ is often criticized for the way the pageants featured on the show sexualize children, but that shouldn’t be an issue with tonights new episode starring a 3-year-old girl dressed up as a prostitute.

Oh wait never mind.

As it happens, it’s not just any prostitute. Technically, it’s Julia Roberts’ streetwalker-with-a-heart-of-gold character from Pretty Woman—though not, unfortunately, after her character is redeemed by Richard Gere and takes to wearing full-coverage dresses and fancy jewels.

Umm, well he’s still paying her at that point too, so I’m not so sure it counts as a redemption unless your idea of an empowering movie for girls is one about how to increase their profit margins as a prostitute.

Rachel Uchitel is glad her fiance died on 9/11

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 4:28 PM


Long before she helped ruin Tiger Woods marriage, Rachel Uchitel was engaged to an investment banker who was killed during the attacks on 9/11. But don’t feel too bad for her, because as she explains in a New York Post interview that comes out tomorrow, dead fiances never start fights.

“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.”
“(Had he not been murdered) I would be a fat housewife with three kids on Long Island.”

She’s now threatening to sue the Post while claiming these quotes were taken out of context, though I’m not sure what the right context is for, “I’m happy he got burned alive on 9/11 or else I might have gained some weight.”

Kate Gosselin is freaking out

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 3:50 PM


If you don’t know, ‘Kate Plus 8′ is a show about a mean self-centered lady has too many kids and then yells at them constantly. It was on for 6 years, and every single episode was about that. And as if there was any remaining doubt about what an unfit parent Kate Gosselin is, now that the show has been cancelled, she admits she has no money saved and no back-up plan whatsoever.

“I’m freaking out. Big time,” she tells People.
“(Her kids) weren’t ready,” to leave the show. “Nobody was. I’ve never quit a job in my life without having something else lined up. I don’t know what’s next.”

In her defense this really came out of nowhere. If there’s one thing I know about Hollywood, it’s that the job security is unparalleled. Once you get a show on the air, just go ahead and spend your entire check every month, don’t even think twice about it.

Madonna is entitled to hate your measly gifts

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 2:43 PM

As expected, Madonnas publicist has issued a statement about the video of Madonna being a mean ungrateful bitch after receiving some flowers from a fan.

As not expected, her explanation is that Madonna has every right to think that you and your gifts are beneath contempt.

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

Good point. Because that was the issue everyone had. That she didn’t like hydrangeas. It wasn’t her cunty attitude, it was her preference in flowers. If that was her only issue I need to find out what her favorite poisonous snake is. It would be gauche of me to put a cobra in her bed when she prefers black mambas. I’d have made the faux paus of the season!

Gwyneth Paltrow respects adulterers

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 12:28 PM


Gwyneth Paltrow has been married to Chris Martin for seven years, but during a press junket for ‘Contagion’ she told the Daily Mail he shouldn’t hold his breath in regards to that whole fidelity thing.

“I am a great romantic…”

Who else is surprised that she started this by paying herself a compliment? I know I sure was.

“…but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.”

ro·man·tic  (adj.)
– Imaginative but impractical.
– Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious.

“I also think you can be honest but steal a bunch of shit.”

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.”

“If something is hard, like keeping a promise to your husband in the face of temptation, it’s probably impossible and not worth trying. My whole life has been handed to me by the way. Not sure if those two things are related.”

“That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Oh good because I’d really like to punch you in the face one day. C’est la vie, Gwyn!

Katie Holmes is glamourous

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 11:57 AM


Katie Holmes went for a workout in LA yesterday, and on one hand it’s nice to see a famous actress who knows that the paparazzi photograph everything she does but doesn’t care if she occasionally looks like a normal person. On the other hand, fuck that. Famous actresses need to look hot all the time, with perfect hair and big tits. If I wanted to see normal girls I wouldn’t be on the internet. (image source = fame)

Kendall Kardashian got spirit

By brendon September 06, 2011 @ 4:39 PM


The two youngest Kardashian sisters, Kylie and Kendall Jenner, are once again cheerleaders for their high schol in Pasadena, and now that football is back so are they. Unfortunately they’re still skinny and average looking. Every single team at every level should choose cheerleaders the way the University of Oregon does.

Step 1: Find the hottest girl on campus.
Step 2: If she can’t already, teach her how to raise her arms above her head and go “aaaahhhh!”

Congratulations. You now have awesome cheerleaders. If I wanted to watch flat chested girls flip around I’d be watching the fucking Olympics.

Madonna loathes hydrangeas

By brendon September 06, 2011 @ 3:50 PM

While on a panel at the Venice Film Festival this weekend, some reporter gave Madonna some flowers as a gift. But since they were hydrangeas, which she “loathes”, she rightfully put them on the floor and immediately made it clear what an asshole the reporter was for not knowing that. As the old saying goes, “it’s not the thought that counts, if you don’t read someones mind and give them a gift they love, fuck you.”