thursday afternoon headlines

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 7:53 PM

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DAVID LETTERMAN – is now a woman. Or at least will be during the ‘Law and Order’ episode about a talk show host who gets blackmailed after having affairs with members of her staff.  I know what you’re thinking. “Wow this post got surprisingly boring considering it started out by saying ‘David Letterman is now a woman.’”  Yeah sorry about that.  (e! online)

JON GOSSELIN – is so screwed. The law firm representing TLC in their breach of contract lawsuit against him have deposed his gf, his bodyguards, and even his former lawyers to find out if he was earning money from outside appearances. This moron is so done. TLC might as well coat him in honey and throw him in a bear cage too.  (radar)

JAMES GANDOLFINI – punched a photographer trying to videotape him shopping in the West Village.  And it would have hurt too, except that Gandolfini is a fat tub of shit and actors are all pussies.  (huffington)

CHRIS BROWN – will run his comeback “Fan Appreciation” tour through a series of small and intimate venues, starting with the House of Blues in Houston next week. So far ticket sales have been steady. Because there’s nothing more steady than “zero”. (daily news)

DENISE MILANI – is here dressed as Wonder Woman because these headlines were all kind of boring. Her costume is a little different from the original, but she still has the golden lasso and the bulletproof bracelets. Know what else is bulletproof? My dick right now. (denisemilani.com)

ohai britney (update!)

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 5:52 PM

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Britney Spears is in Perth today to rehearse for the Aussie leg of her ‘Circus’ tour, and it’s good to see she’s not taking any chances. In Australia, the bras are made of poison!

BOUNCY UPDATE – 2 x-ray’d pics at the end of the gallery thx to Raven.

(image source = inf daily and pacific coast news)

sharon osbourne killed susan boyle (not literally)

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 2:57 PM

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Most celebrity interviews suck and no one ever says anything good because most celebrities are functional retards who only got where they are based on being pretty and you would smell hair burning if they ever had a thought.

But put Sharon Osbourne in a studio with Opie and Anthony and Jim Norton, and in less than 2 minutes you’ll get Sharon saying Susan Boyle looks like a “slapped ass”, Norton comparing her hair to a Gene Wilder wig, and Sharon saying God gave Boyle talent but then “hit her with a fuckin ugly stick”.

The youtube for all this is under the cut because Jodie Sweetin and her huge jugs were also on O and A that morning.  I was gonna post the video up top and skip this picture altogether, but then at the last minute I remembered I wasn’t gay.

Read more >

okay this is better

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 2:25 PM

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These are just simple pictures of Kim Kardashian before her charity boxing match (this disaster) but she’s pretty and Mariah Carey is disgusting so Kim won. Kim is a good example of how a girl doesn’t have to be 95 pounds as long as she has big tits to balance everything out. Of course I don’t think it would kill her to prance around naked every now and then. Uppity bitch. If I wanted to see girls wearing clothes I could just go walk around the mall.

(source = splash news online)

i dont feel so good

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 1:46 PM

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Mariah Carey filmed a video yesterday on the beach in Malibu, and she did it in this very revealing swimsuit for some inexplicable reason. I have no idea what song it’s for. It should be called ‘Hungry For Love’. I know there are lots of guys who like girls built like this (big ass, no tits) but none of those guys are white, and I’m white as Christmas morning so I find this repulsive. She’s just a shapeless mushy blob. It’d be like fucking a beanbag. People get all PC on me when I say we should burn all the fat people but what about now? How do you feel about it now?

NOTE – I’ve been told you can see her nipple in this one, but I’m just gonna take that person at their word.

(source = pacific coast news)

paddingtons sex tape is here

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 12:15 PM

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(UPDATE – the links had to be taken down, so now this whole thing is kind of pointless. I would just skip it if I were you.)

I’m waiting for the books-on-tape version, but for everyone who wanted the movie version, the Shauna Sands sex tape went on sale yesterday.  Or if you knew where to look it was available for free yesterday + 30 seconds. I can’t host that kind of thing on a delightful site like Tyler, but lots of people have links where you can download full scenes.

Here is one of those links now, for example (NOTE – please understand this is not a preview or a clip, but a very NSFW full scene from a sex tape.  No one under 18 can download this, because it’s illegal, and also because it would make the baby Jesus cry). In this scene, the penis of Shauns boyfriend appears to have suffered a burn of some kind.  So Shauna drips ice cream on it to cool it down. Her first aid completed, she then licks it off, because that’s perfectly good ice cream, and she’s not made of money you know.

Here is a link to download only the thrilling conclusion of that very same clip, and I don’t want to ruin the surprise ending, but it turns out that Shauna is a very good girl, and an excellent role model for all the girls who go out with me.

Dina on Lindsay: “She’d like, punch me in the face…”

By brendon November 05, 2009 @ 12:09 PM

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Radar has another Lindsay Lohan audio clip up today, this time from Dina Lohan (her mom) to Michael Lohan (her dad). This one is from September of last year, and here Dina says she tried to get Lindsay to go to rehab but Lindsay didn’t want to. Quick to give up at things, that was pretty much the end of that.

“You don’t even know what I’d go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She’d like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car…like you don’t know the shit I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult. She’s really sad and really hurt and really…despondent. I told her not to go to L.A. at 18…she did. I couldn’t leave these other three to go get her and it was, like, a mess.”

It seems hard to believe that anyone who describes it as “like, rehab and stuff” really had any concrete plans for anything.  Especially when the person saying it is a 46-year-old woman. It sounds like they’re making it up. Even more so at the “she punched me in the face and threw me out of the car” point. It sounds like she was just flipping channels and came to a Steven Segal movie.  “Yeah she punched me, and so, then, I tired to explain, like, rehab (click) by drawing a painting on a cave wall (click) at the first Olympics.  But she was all like, ‘fuck you man. I want your badge and your gun right now.’ If I went snoopin around the Senator again she was gonna have me arrested.”

false alarm everyone. lindsay is doing great.

By brendon November 04, 2009 @ 8:42 PM

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This story is a real roller coaster. This morning an audio clip was released, a tape of a phone call, and on it you could hear Lindsay Lohan crying uncontrollably and saying things like “no one cares about me.” Her dad was the one who released the tape, all part of his wildly confusing plan to get her off drugs. But here’s the thing, as you can tell by this post and the wallpaper picture on her twitter, Lindsay has never been better, and it turns out that her dad is the one who is a loser.

My fathers such a loser & those recordings are from years ago. To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them. I used to think that he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he’s needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN.

And there was even more good news for Lindsay in the post just under that.

Ahhh spa’d it up all day* much needed pampering

Mmm, yes. “Much needed” indeed.  And “well deserved” she could have also said.  Poor Lindsay.  The sweet little lamb just works herself to the bone.  And unless you count 2004 until today, when was the last time she’s had any time off?