conan has contacted fox

By brendon January 11, 2010 @ 12:37 PM

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In 2004, NBC announced Conan O’Brien would take over for Jay Leno as host of ‘the Tonight Show’ in 2009, and on June 1st, after 16 years hosting ‘Late Night’, that’s what he did.

Three months after that NBC decided they were just kidding and moved Leno back in front of Conan to do the same show he had always done. That failed miserably, and so yesterday they announced they’re moving Leno back to 11:30. As you might imagine, Conan is just thrilled. The New York Post says…

(Conan) has “many options,” including a move to Fox, which for years has been looking to create its own late-night show.
In fact, he has already spoken with Fox, The Wall Street Journal’s Web site reported last night.
“This level of sh- – -iness was not expected,” one source said.
“He’s done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this?”

What is Conan’s deal? NBC is putting everything back. That’s how life works. Just like how if you cut yourself you can run the blade backwards over the cut and it will seal up, or if you have a baby and it sucks you can shove it back in the uterus. Ta-da! What baby? I don’t see a baby!

todays top story

By brendon January 11, 2010 @ 11:05 AM

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These may look like pictures you saw on Friday, the ones of Ashley Greene naked except for body paint, but they’re not. They’re all new. I don’t know who first thought up having only a thin layer of paint separating me from a sexy model and her tits, but that that person should be honored with one of those 40-story statues like the one of Jesus in Rio. It’s one of the greatest ideas anyone has ever had, second only to my idea of models naked except for a layer of my semen.

is she homeless or something

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 6:09 PM

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Victoria Silvstedt has been in St Barths all week, and now that we know she’s a professional prostitute, I of course assume every guy she’s with is paying her for sex. Even lamer are the guys who seem to be randomly approaching her to talk. As if they can’t even get up the nerve to hire her. The only way they could be any sadder when it comes to begging for sex is if they took their pants off, pointed at their erection and then whimpered while a tear rolled down their cheek.

everyone loves jon gosselin

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 5:07 PM

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Radar Online somehow got their hands on a picture of Jon Gosselins New York apartment bedroom after it had been ransacked and someone stabbed a knife into a note and stuck it to his dresser.

Jon’s reps have said that ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman was responsible for the carnage and that she wrote the note. Her lawyer has denied it.
…stuffing from a shredded furniture item can be seen on the floor on the right side. Gosselin said that when he returned to his apartment clothing items and furniture were shredded with a knife. His team blames Hailey, who had just moved out after their breakup.

Until we know what the note says, it’s best not to rush to judgement. One time a girl broke up with me and when she moved out she left some things behind, like some clothes and some kitchen things, so I dressed a mannequin in her clothes and placed the biggest a knife in the mannequins chest to protect her from the blade, then included a note that said “YOU”. As in, “You left these things behind.” Oh, but according to Little Miss Perfect, I don’t drop clothes off right either.

now tila is :(

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 3:25 PM

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Grief sure is a roller coaster. Yesterday, just 5 days after her girlfriend died, Tila Tequila was on her lawn, flashing her boobs and smiling as she posed for pictures in front of the paparazzi. And lots of people made fun of her for it. But then later she was crying. And taking pictures of it. And posting them on Twitter.

My bed is so empty without her now. I cant live here alone anymore! Losing my mind…

Well it seems I owe Tila an apology. I thought she cared more about fame than her dead girlfriend, but candid pictures that you take when you’re alone don’t lie. Even the most jaded skeptic would concede that this would be impossible to fake. It takes a big man to admit he’s made a mistake, but hey, when you’re wrong you’re wrong. I hope she can forgive me.

ashley greene really understands advertising

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 2:45 PM

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I hope this won’t seem as if I’m trying to objectify her, but as I was cropping these pictures of Ashley Green naked except for body paint in an ad for Sobe, when I went to censor images of her breasts, I accidentally made closeups of her breasts. And then I accidentally saved them. Then I accidentally uploaded them. I’m quite the butterfingers.

miley is one frisky hillbilly

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 1:39 PM

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Miley Cyrus packed up some vittles and cider jugs with XXX on the side, then undid her rope belt and made herself comfortable on a secluded beach with her new boyfriend. The beach was “secluded” because it’s a real piece of shit. It looks like they’re on Mars.

conan is seriously getting raped (not literally)

By brendon January 08, 2010 @ 12:19 PM

Variety says this morning that Jay Leno has accepted an offer from NBC to return to 11:30 for a 30 minute show, called ‘the Jay Leno Show’, focusing mainly on a monologue and one guest, and that the show will begin after the Winter Olympics in about 6 weeks.

Deadline Hollywood adds that NBC does have the right to be this god dam dumb if they choose.

NBC has the contractual right to start The Tonight Show as late as 12:05 AM, which it sometimes does for sports or news. So if NBC gives Jay Leno back the 11:35 PM slot, and calls it The Jay Leno Show, and keeps Conan on Tonight, the network incurs no penalties.

If Conan can live with this bullshit, he will move to midnight, but otherwise ‘the Tonight Show’ will be unchanged.

And Broadcasting and Cable reported last night that NBC can simply take Conan off the air completely and replace him with Leno if they want, they just have to keep paying him.

If Conan, rightfully, tells NBC to suck his dick, he can approach Fox who has no late night programming and ABC, who would have to move ‘Nightline’ and Jimmy Kimmel.

If Conan leaves or NBC decides to take him off the air, Leno will again host a one-hour “Tonight Show with Jay Leno”.

Jeff Zucker is the man to blame for all this.  He’s skillfully fucked up in new and imaginative ways since being named Head of Programming in 2000, but this could be his masterpiece.  Mostly known for his unique ability to never do anything right, NBC should of course fire him, then drag him outside and load him in a cannon and fire him into a wall, but instead they’ve prmoted him several times, eventually to CEO in 2005 and then to President and CEO in 2007.  No one in Hollywood has been given this much as a reward for so little since Cash Warren got to fuck Jessica Alba.