DO NOT WANT

By brendon July 07, 2008 @ 1:24 PM

Portia De Rossi went topless on a yacht in Sardinia, Italy, over the weekend, which is good, but unfortunately her girlfriend Sean Penn Ellen DeGeneres was there too, and she was tanning with her legs spread open and her feet up in the air.  It’s a move she calls, Fuck You Clouds.

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JIM CAREY IS OUTRAGEOUS

By brendon July 07, 2008 @ 5:00 AM

Jim Carey and his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy were in Malibu this weekend for a Fourth of July party when Jim saw a joke in the works and put on Jenny’s swimsuit.  I bet he said something crazy when he came out, like, "Does this make me look fat?"  Ha.  Haha.  You see, it's funny because normally a gentleman would not wear a ladies swimsuit.  And then walk around. Get it?  Do you get it?  He and Robin Williams are the kings of this kind of wacky comedy.  Because screaming something quickly is the same thing as having a joke.  Oh look, now Robin is taking that reporters notes and pretending it’s a hat.  Oh golly.  Now he’s acting like it’s a handkerchief for a sport coat and doing a crazy "gay" voice.  You know those gays.  Always fiddling with their handkerchiefs.

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JENIFAA YOPEZ HAS STILL GOT IT

By brendon July 07, 2008 @ 4:50 AM

Jennifer Lopez and her hunky stud husband Marc Anthony are in Portofino, Italy today, and over the weekend Yopez stripped down to a swimsuit showing off her body, despite the fact that she gave birth to twins just a few months ago.  The world has been on pins and needles wondering is she could ever regain her famous fat ass and bear-like legs.  Oh hey good news.  If you nailed her from behind, I wonder if you could even still reach her.  Her ass goes back like three feet.  It would be like f’ing a centaur.

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NATALIA BUSH IS FAMOUS

By brendon July 06, 2008 @ 10:08 PM

Natalia Bush is a famous Italian actress and model, who you may have seen on popular websites such as this one, right now.  And … and that might be it.  But she was in Miami this weekend wearing this heroically small pink bikini.  So why would she come all the way from Italy to Miami?  Is she hoping to find me so I’ll fuck her?  Does she want me to fuck her?  I hope it’s because she wants me to fuck her, because that would be awesome. 

HOT NEW COUPLE ALERT

By brendon July 06, 2008 @ 7:49 PM

Mandy Moore was seated within inches of stand-up comedy superstar Jimmy Norton at the Rampage Jackson – Forrest Griffin fight Saturday night in Las Vegas, leading many to wonder if the two are now dating.  No not really.  No one is wondering that.  Norton wasn’t there to get in Mandys trap.  He was there to hunt and dispose of a human target.  He cannot be reasoned with, he cannot be bargained with, kill kill kill.

When asked for a comment, Bob Kelly said, "Tomorrow I’m gonna try to force my hat even lower onto my head.  I like to pull my hat down over my eyes and then walk around crowded rooms.  It makes it more exciting."



BLAKE FIELDER HAS LEARNED HIS LESSON

By brendon July 06, 2008 @ 12:05 AM

Blake Fielder-Civil has been married to Amy Winehouse since May of 2007, and has been in prison since November of 2007.  He’s also widely considered to be the person who got Amy Winehouse hopelessly addicted to drugs, an addiction she shows no signs of ever addressing.  But good news; he’s had an epiphany in jail and decided never to stray from the law or do drugs again.  Oh wait never mind.  The Sun UK says…

Blake Fielder-Civil takes heroin in his prison cell hours before wife Amy Winehouse begs for his release.
Our exclusive pictures show him heating the drug on foil before inhaling fumes through a tube – known to addicts as “chasing the dragon”.
The skinny and pale lag, who had claimed to be off drugs, is also seen squatting on his cell toilet as he prepares his stash.
Blake, 25, took his fix in London’s Pentonville Prison hours before singer Amy’s pleas for his freedom during her shows at the Nelson Mandela birthday concert and Glastonbury.
A Pentonville source said: “Blake takes heroin whenever he can get hold of it. His claims to be clean are a fallacy and it is obvious he remains dependent.
“There is nothing to suggest he won’t carry on when he’s outside and back with Amy. If she takes him back into her life when she is trying to get clean it will be a recipe for disaster.”

I think one good way to solve the problem of these two being a constant drain on England’s court and legal system for the next decade would be to kill them.  Ta-da!

AMERICA KICKS ASS

By brendon July 04, 2008 @ 8:35 AM

If you’re reading this somewhere other than the United States today, you should know that today is our birthday.  The US has been awesome for 232 years now, and so today all of us bad ass motherfuckin Americans will celebrate by putting our hot chicks in bikinis and shooting fireworks at each other.  The point being, things will probably be kind of slow today, so my condolences if you’re bored.  Also, my condolences if you're not American.  I read in the bible that if god didn’t make you American, it’s because he hates you, so you’re kind of screwed.

HALLE BERRY IS SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE

By brendon July 04, 2008 @ 7:48 AM

Someone send Hawaii some cameras from this century immediately, because Halle Berry is there today doing a photo shoot for her new perfume, and she looks fantastic despite the fact that she had a baby just two months ago.  At least I think she looks fantastic.  It’s hard to tell with these crappy spy pictures.  If they have a horrible camera, someone at least should have pushed their way to the front.  That’s what I would have done.  I'm the strongest man in the world!