Britney reads the Top 10

By brendon August 19, 2009 @ 1:45 PM

People are dumb so they’ll sometimes laugh at anything, even things that clearly aren’t funny, if they think they’ve just been told a joke. Watch any Robin Williams talk show appearance from 1978 until today and you’ll see what I mean. Or you could watch last nights Top 10 list, read by Britney in a bikini.

Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President
10. I’d be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo.
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas.
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy.”
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.
2. Three words: Vice president Diddy.
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.

I dare you to find even one joke in there. You could just turn your keyboard face down then stand on it and whatever was typed would be funnier than this. This took me like 30 minutes, but I’m not a highly paid staff of professional joke writers so there:

10. Best tits in the White House since Nixon.
9. I would bring back Presidential assassinations for enemies of the state who threaten our way of life. People like Christina Aguilera and that blogger who called me fat.
8. Instead of big heavy guns we could give our soldiers umbrellas. I think you’d be surprised at how much damage you can do with one of those.
7. We wouldn’t waste money on things like situation rooms. Mostly because I don’t know what that is.
6. I saw a Bugs Bunny one time where Bugs blew up Daffy by making a girl duck out of cannonballs and dynamite. Maybe we can try that with bin Laden.
5. Press conferences wouldn’t feature the reporter standing up to ask a question any more if you know what I mean.
4. Based on precedent, I think America could go from a deficit to a huge surplus by marrying and then divorcing me.
3. That driveway in front of the White House is just made for a Starbucks.
2. (gestures towards her breasts) Not bad, right?
1. If my ratings drop I can always just kiss another girl again.

Alright so maybe this is harder than it looks.

My secret shame

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 5:45 PM

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Have you ever had a girl that you could tell wasn’t actually hot but for some reason you found her sexy anyway? Maybe it was the voice or body or whatever but you desperately wanted to have sex with her even though you knew she wasn’t classically pretty. That’s what’s going on for me here. In the black dress. Hubba-hubba!

(6 more pics here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)

Afternoon headlines

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 5:35 PM

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MICHAEL JACKSON – The AP confirms today he will be buried on August 29, but that “details about the ceremony have been tightly guarded.” They go on to confirm that Jackson will be buried in a private ceremony at Forest Lawn-Glendale on the Holly Terrace at the cemetery’s Great Mausoleum, about 8 miles north of downtown Los Angeles. What, no longitude and latitude? Wow, these details are closely guarded. (source = ap)

SEAN PENN – his wife has filed for divorce again. It’s the third time in 2 years they’ve filed paperwork for this. She must be crazy. Guys who can make strange comments about oil and war and then sulk about it don’t just grow on trees. (source = e!)

MICHELLE KEEGAN – I don’t put up very much eye candy for the ladies, so if you look past UK soap star Michelle Keegans huge breasts there’s a little sumpin-sumpin to make everything better. Although I had to edit him out of the full size pics due to space constraints. :(   (full size jump here)

51-years-young

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 12:24 PM

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Madonna spent her 51st birthday in Italy this week with her 21-year-old boyfriend, whose illicit geriatric lust must have been like a fire inside as she walked around, probably shakily, with her old lady parasol. And since he has no dignity or self respect, some of his friends joined them for a swim before they slipped off together for a night of hip-breaking passion. I was totally jealous so I went and humped this and pretended it was Madonna. They’re practically twins.

Mary Kate looks terrible

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 11:32 AM

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People kept emailing me this picture from Boston.com, and I thought it was because Mary Kate Olsen looked so bad that they misidentified her as Steven Tyler, but then I eventually put it together.

Jeez this was boring

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 11:09 AM

sexxxtape

The Gawker site Fleshbot is a really good website and I have it bookmarked but they owe everyone an apology for claiming this was going to be a sex tape. “This” of course meaning the much publicized home video of Eric Dane (of Greys Anatomy) Kari Ann Peniche (of Miss Teen USA) and Rebbecca Gayheart (of several LA courtrooms). Call me a fag if you want but … actually wait. No, no don’t do that. In fact if you could sugarcoat all your criticism that would be great. With my girlfriend leaving me and all, I’m just in a very delicate spot right now, confidence wise.

(see the standing-around-not-having-sex sex-tape here.

Now available in purple

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 9:17 AM

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Day three of the bikini modeling marathon at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina Del Rey went off without a hitch yesterday, this time featuring Britney in a sassy purple number that combines flair with function.

I think people got the wrong impression with all the incoherent rambling on the other Britney post. Some seemed to think I was saying the Ritz sucked. Far from it. It’s pretty much awesome, and working there was fun. Overnights were especially fun because no one did anything except eat and occasionally have sex. And around 430am, the bread deliveries came, and me and a friend of mine played a game called Fuck You Mario. Mario was this tubby security guard who was always asleep. The objective of the game was to take the rolls and throw them at Marios head while he slept. There was no established scoring system, so it was hard to determine a winner, but the loser was very very definitely Mario.  And whoever later ate those rolls.

(hq jump here.  25 more here.  source = splash news online)

Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon August 17, 2009 @ 6:52 PM

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Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime, but new reports are claiming Gwyneth Paltrow is a stuck up pain in the ass. Oh I know right! Fox News says…

A source says some of the “Iron Man” team had secret hopes of her character being recast, or even killed in the movie, but are resigned to the likelihood that she is locked in as the character Pepper Potts.
Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson.
“Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn’t outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn’t ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth’s choosing.”
“Much of the crew didn’t mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie.”

Paltrow is just jealous. Scarlett is better, hotter, younger, and in this movie that they’re both in, Gwyneth is a frumpy secretary, and Scarlett is a sexy super villain. Gwyneths only super power is the ability to make everyone wanna punch her in her stupid face.