megan fox is here to help

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 1:34 PM

Today is depressing, the last two posts had a kid and a girl getting smacked around, so look, Megan Fox is back from yesterday to cheer everyone up. Yeah, titties, wooh!  Dance Megan dance!  "C’MON BABIES SHAKE THEM TITTIES, I GOT MONEY YOU GOT KITTYS…"

the rest of the world sucks

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 12:16 PM

I think its safe to say that Azharuddin Ismails week is going downhill.  Sunday night he was at the Academy Awards as one of the starts of Slumdog Millionaire (he was even on Tyler) but today he’s back at Dell Customer Service in the slums of Mumbai and this morning his dad gave him a whack in the head to welcome him home.  And then the kid sat there and cried for ten minutes. But this story has a happy ending: I got a handjob from my girlfriend while typing it.  Yaay!

(image source = fame pictures)

chris brown to plead self-defense

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 9:40 AM

Rihanna Daily says that Ri has now left Punta Mita, Mexico, after spending Tuesday and Wednesday there to celebrate her 21st … wait, "Punta"?  Really?  Doesn’t that mean, you know, "vagina"?  Those Mexicans are perverts, but that’s a good way to get people to visit your city.  If we had a place called Titty Town, I would very definitely go there, to see the local high school mascots and cheerleaders if nothing else.  

Also, Media Take Out says there are rumors that Chris Brown will claim that he beat up Rihanna in self-defense.  MTO says…

Chris is already building his case. He's saying she threw a phone at him, then hit him in the head and basically just lost it. He's saying she attacked him.

Brown beat the hell out of that poor girl (reminder) so even if what he's claiming is 100 percent true, fuck him.  You can’t just re-label something as something else and that makes it okay.  Except for filming prostitution and calling it porn.  Then it’s nice and legal.  

(brendon fans out a stack of hundreds.  "Don’t I know it, heh heh heh.")

yes, please do set up the clit

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 7:44 AM

It feels like there should be more separation between innocuous words and filthy words. Especially at the end of the word. "Clit" and "clip" are really close. It can be confusing when words sound so similar. Like one time I was at a party and the party was loud and I asked a girl what she did for a living and she said she delivered flowers. And so I leaned in and said, well how about you deliver Two Lips to my cock.  Then I pointed down towards my crotch and gave her a little nod.  Turns out she said she "was in the Twin Towers".  As you can see those words are different.

tila tequilla forgot something

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 6:34 AM

Tila Tequila looks like Gizmo from Gremlins, which is actually more insulting for Gizmo than it is Tila, but at least she’s dedicated to being a slut.  She dresses slutty all the time.  Good for her.  Too bad she doesn’t have a bigger rack.  I think another good idea would be to put girls like this in a centrifuge upside down for a few hours a day during puberty. That might make their chest bigger.  Is that extreme?  You bet it is.  Extremely sexy.

gisele and tom got married

By brendon February 27, 2009 @ 5:48 AM

Gisele Bundchen and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady got married yesterday around dusk at the St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica.  Us magazine says…

The ceremony was "very small and intimate," a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family.  A pal close to the couple says Bundchen and Brady are perfect together.  "She's definitely 'The One,'" the source said. "She really makes him comfortable and just happy."

Eh, whatever.  Gisele creeps me out.  She’s so big and manly.  Girls are supposed to be short and little.  Guys = big, girls = little.  I think a good idea would be to take girls who you think might be tall and raise them in a small cage that they can’t stretch out in, sort of like how the Chinese bind girls feet so they don’t grow or in the same way as a goldfish will grow relative to its bowl.  That sort of thing may or may not be illegal, I don't know, I'm not a lawyer.

gwyneth paltrow is better than you

By brendon February 26, 2009 @ 1:40 PM

As you may know, back in September, Gwyneth Paltrow started an advice website called Goop.  She said, "My life is good because I am not passive about it", and she wanted you to know that one of the reasons she's a millionaire actress is because she invests in what’s real and pauses before reacting.  She tells you to not be lazy, which may or may not be why you’re not a millionaire actress.   (note – Paltrows parents are lifelong friends with Steven Spielberg, who gave Gwyneth her first role in "Hook".)  

Anyway, now Gwyneth is lashing back at critics who think the site is condescending and unrealistic.  Those critics just don’t get it, Gwyneth tells People magazine.

"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it."  Paltrow said she believes some of the barbs simply stem from the fact that she's doing something new and different. "I think that people like people to stay in their 'box' – they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them."

That's what I was thinking too.  Those critics are either too scared to leave their safe little box or too dumb to get it.  Unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, who is really smart  (note – she attended college for less than one semester, as an art major at UCSB, then dropped out) and knows people could benefit from her wisdom.

For example, Goop has a section called GET.  "The fun frivolity (of shopping) can really cheer a girl up," she says. : )  

Here, she talks about some basic clothing pieces for what she calls "everyday life".  But looking good doesn’t have to cost a lot, because as she says, "I have found a few great (pieces) in all different price ranges."

She goes on to recommend five different pairs of shoes.  She starts with a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti boots, and count your lucky stars because those are actually on sale right now for 600 dollars.  They’re normally 1000.  Next she hearts some tartan Roger Vivier boots that will cost anywhere from 1150 to 1700 dollars.  After that the Lidia heels from Brian Atwood go for 1000.  Next are some Christian Louboutin boots for 1125, and she finishes with some Gucci ankle boots, now on sale for 800 (they're normally 1000).  

Gwyneth and I agree.  600 to 1700 covers all the different price ranges.  The normal person can spend 1700, but even if you’re a piece of shit with only 600 dollars to spend on shoes, even you can have some nice basic pieces for everyday life.  If you get them online, on sale.

In another section (here), she talks about "easy, fuss-free dressing. I’ve paired the basics together for three very different but wearable outfits that can be amended for any occasion."

Good, some more basics, simple staples to make a womans life easier.  She recommends a cashmere coat by Tods for 2000 dollars.  Theres also a pashmy bag by Tods (she's the Tods spokeperson by the way).  A similar pashmy bag retails for 1125 dollars.  The Chopard heart necklace she recommends retails for around 3000.  The repetto ballet flats are 235.  The Sergio Rossi boots are around 1000.  The coin purse is crafted lambskin (treat yourself!) and sells for 300.

If you were wondering, so far we’ve spent twelve and half thousand dollars for one coat, a purse, a wallet, a weeks worth of shoes and a necklace.  A small price to pay for the blueprint to success, as told by Gwyneth Paltrow, thanks to the wisdom she’s gained from overcoming a lifetime of opulence and luxury.  When she started out in Hollywood, all she had were connections and millions of dollars, yet she made it, and now …YOU CAN TOO (if you have those things)!

i think im in love

By brendon February 26, 2009 @ 11:33 AM

Lady GaGa walked the red carpet for what appered to be a Blacks-On-Blonds gang bang video, but in reality was the opening of the VIP Room Theatre.  I don't know what that is, and quite frankly I have no intention of looking it up.  Is it really any wonder she always wear those glasses that cover half her face.  The only problem is she doesn’t have two pairs.  Ah-cha-cha-cha-cha!