William Shakespeare never wrote a word

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 5:28 PM



For the record, William Shakespeare, this guy, the son of a glove maker born in Stratford, England, in 1564 and widely considered the greatest writer to ever live, never wrote a single play, poem or sonnet. There’s no evidence he ever wrote a thing. Historically, that guy barely even exists.

As the Oxford Society website explains

There should be masses of contemporary documents about the life of the world’s greatest writer. His manuscripts, his letters, the letters sent to him, the letters about him between others, and printed stories and pamphlets about him. But there are none of these things. There are reviews and comments on the plays and poems. There are a few legal documents (as he) got involved in several minor court cases and he was sought for non-payment of taxes. But there are no documents which show that he had any connection with the plays or poems.

So now we have this, Anonymous, a new movie from director Roland Emmerich (Godzilla, 10000 BC), about Edward de Vere, the most popular candidate as the true author of the worlds greatest written works. Will the movie suck? Yes, almost definitely because he’s a terrible director, but it’s still an important subject. He’s really gonna hold up a mirror to those phonies.

(hd copies of the trailer here)

Kirsten Dunst is as hot as ever

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 4:22 PM

Kirsten Dunst

Remember when Kirsten Dunst was a huge star? That was weird, huh?

But it’s true. And it drove me insane. She was my nemesis. Not only was she disgusting to look at, with her cold clammy fishlike skin and creepy little baby teeth offset by two big giant fangs, but she was a spoiled bitch. She was so arrogant she even said Spiderman should die at the end of Spiderman 3 and Spiderman 4 should be all about her. And she meant it. Yet producers kept hiring her to haltingly deliver lines in their movie. It was madness.

Then, finally, people seemed to catch on. And here she is today, after a workout in Studio City. Go ahead. Check out the girl who was on Maxims Hot 100 four times before my tireless campaign to drive her out of Hollywood.

I don’t want to overstate this but I feel I should be considered one of historys greatest heros.

Eva Longoria flashed David Letterman

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 2:50 PM

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria was on David Letterman last night to promote her new cookbook (wait, what), and since she’s not afraid to dress sexy she dressed sexy. And by that I mean she wore some very short shorts and a super tight jacket and that was it.

An outfit like that doesn’t really lend itself to movement, you need to sit motionless, perfectly still as if a T-Rex was looking for you, which Longoria didn’t do, and so Dave got to see her tit (video here). Last night would have been a good night to introduce a new segment where the guests have to run down some rolling barrels.

(NOTE: Holy Shit.)

Rosa Blasi has a book to promote

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 1:57 PM

rosa_blasi_bikini_hermosa_beach

Ever heard of Make It or Break It? Yeah me neither. Apparently it’s on ABC Family, and “follows a group of teen Olympic hopefuls as they train and prepare for their day in the spotlight.”

Well Rosa Blasi is on that show, and her day in the spotlight begins right now because she has big boobs and yesterday she went to Hermosa Beach in a bikini. Probably to get attention for her new book, but whatever. What am I, a therapist, I don’t care what a girls motivations are, just take off your clothes.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Charlie Sheen wants Mila Kunis to be his third “goddess”

By brendon April 07, 2011 @ 12:48 PM

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When you surround yourself with one kind of person long enough, you start to think all people are like that. Date a bunch of dirty whores for a year or two, then go out with an accountant and she’s gonna look pretty surprised when you nonchalantly pound it in her ass.

In a related story, Charlie Sheen went on stage last night in Columbus, Ohio, and announced that he wants MIla Kunis to be his third girlfriend, along with the porn star and marijuana model. The Huffington Post says…

“Here’s the good news – my goddesses have already f**king approved her. She’s pre-approved!” Sheen said.
“I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila f**king Kunis: If Mila Kunis is stealing your s**t , trust me, you’re still f**king winning, you’re still winning at that moment.”
Sheen told the audience how he plans on luring her.
“I’m going to go on her Facebook page and discover her likes,” Sheen said. “I’m going to buy them all and then she can come steal them. A super f**king hot thief named Mila Kunis. Mila, please, we we have a warehouse full of your favorite s**t to steal.”

I wonder if that’s why he was scaring Sarah Hyland a few weeks ago. She looks like an adolescent Mila Kunis. More importantly; really? People are really paying to see this jackass ramble on about nothing? I’m Irish. If I wanted to see some abusive drunk take off his shirt and scream profanity I’d go to my family reunions.

(image source = splash news)

LeAnn Rimes is photogenic

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 8:59 PM

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When LeAnn Rimes took the court Monday night to sing the National Anthem before the NCAA basketball championship game, it was hard not to notice that she looked like hell, a boney horse-legged mess.

So to fight back at rumors wondering if she has an eating disorder, today she went on her twitter, posted the POV bikini picture above, and said she likes to eat Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies out of the freezer. So I guess everyone who thought she was too skinny owes her an apology. Even her harshest critic would have to admit evidence like that would be impossible to fake.

the star of ‘Teen Mom’ is in a bikini

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 5:39 PM

Leilani Dowding

Just to be clear that’s not Jenelle Evans, the star of Teen Mom, in the headline. That’s Page 3 model Leilani Dowding on Miami beach yesterday, about 10 minutes before she finally took off that suffocating bikini top and playfully splashed around in the water (NSFW).

Now prepare for all the happiness Leilani brought to be snuffed out because the star of High School Whore did in fact put on a bikini and go to tropical celebrity hotspot Oak Island, North Carolina today, so I dumped a few of her pictures back here. The star of Will Suck Your Dick Under The Bleachers is so completely ordinary I don’t understand why we’re supposed to play along with this and act like she’s famous. Someone has to draw the line. It would be one thing if the star of Let Some Seniors DP Her At A Party was attractive in any way, but she’s so plain and dull, she inspires such apathy, it’s amazing her image even registers on film.

(image source = inf daily and pacific coast)

Jennifer Aniston thinks she should marry George Clooney

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 4:06 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is such a delight to be around that she cant keep a boyfriend for more than a week, and to put that into perspective, even that women who cut off her husbands dick while he was asleep went on to get engaged and have a 14 year relationship.

Perhaps thinking the problem is that she isn’t desperate or clingy enough, Aniston tells Red magazine, whatever the hell that is, that since she and George Clooney are both so famous for being single, it would be a great idea to call him up out of the blue and tell him she wants to get married and have a baby.

“That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, ‘Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids…’ I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this.”

I know she’s joking about that but wow does she really think we equate her with Clooney? He’s single because everyone wants to date him. She’s single because no one does. For at least another week I’d rather fuck Elizabeth Taylor.

(image source = getty)