Jessica Simpson announced her new fragrance today, a perfume called ‘I Fancy You.’ You read that right by the way. ‘I Fancy You’. Her perfume is called ‘I Fancy You’. Because nothing gets a guy hotter than hundred year old phrases his grandmother used. I also like my girlfriend to wear a white wig and bifocals and a sweater with a Christmas tree on it, and when I fuck her in the ass she looks over her shoulder at me and yells, “you kids get outa there!” Finally, a perfume for me!
‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’, has been out for 8 full days now, and it’s still doing incredible business, unless of course you compare it to ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’. At this point, ‘Fallen’ had made $239 million at the box office, while ‘Dark of the Moon’ now sits at $198. That’s a drop of around $41 million.
It would be overly simplistic to say this is all because Megan Fox was replaced by Rosie Huntington Whitely, but complicated theories are for fags, so that’s what I’m going to say.
Not only is Fox (seen here in her brand new Armani campaign) a thousand times hotter than Whitely, but now we’re expected to believe Sam Witwicky has dated two international supermodels in a row, which is somehow the dumbest premise even in a movie about fights between shape-shifting robots from outer space.
It seems like just yesterday that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston, and that’s because she won’t shut the fuck up about it. In reality it was 7 years ago.
And now, celebuzz says “she recently opened up about her infamous divorce during her Inside the Actor’s Studio appearance.” Ohh, did she really? I bet they had to torture her to make her talk about that!
When asked about ‘The Break Up’, her hit 2006 romantic comedy, Jennifer admits the film helped her overcome the devastating end of her five-year marriage to Pitt.
“It was a beautiful human story about a couple breaking up…You know, I was slightly familiar on the topic and the issue. I honestly felt like, what a great way to sort of exorcise some of that.”
…she insisted her personal heartache made the role “easier” to do. “I was like, ‘Why not?’ Turn the page, let’s move on,” she recalled.
And so she did! Unfortunately, the next page also said to talk about Brad Pitt. And do interviews about Brad Pitt, and cry on movie sets about Brad Pitt, and admit you keep Brad Pitts voice on your phone. All these pages can be found in a book called, ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Whore And I Hate Her And I Want My Brad Back And I Swear Brad I’ll Do Anything I Just Want You Back Please Please Take Me Back’.
Victorias Secret supermodel Jessica Stam is in Berlin this week for the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week, and also to tease German boys with what German girls would have looked like if Hitler had won. At first I thought her dress was gonna be see-thru and I’d be able to see her boobs, but apparently it’s lined with some kind of lead because I can’t see a thing. And believe me, I looked. Oh how I looked. I looked and I looked and I looked some more. Now I have a headache. Stop being so stuck-up and let me see your boobs, Jessica Stam.
The bad news for Lady Gaga is that celebrity journalist Ian Halperin has revealed that her lupus is much more serious than she has revealed, and it’s causing her hair to fall out. Not only that, but she’s an anorexic drug addict too.
The good news for Lady Gaga is that celebrity journalist Ian Halperin never has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about.
Lady Gaga has been branded ‘sick’ and ‘obsessed’ in an explosive new tell-all which documents her alleged drug abuse and dangerous diet.
In a revealing interview with Star Magazine, investigative journalist Ian Halperin has made startling allegations about the wacky performer, insisting she is a walking time bomb.
“Those who have worked with her on tour reported to me that Gaga barely ate for weeks at a time to fit into her costume,” said Halperin, who has spent 12 months investigating Gaga for his book.
“She is sick and obsessed with her weight. One friend told me, Gaga will stare at herself in the mirror for hours on end, analyzing and critiquing her body. It’s an unhealthy obsession.”
I’ve mentioned this before, but the only reason Halperin is famous is because he said Michael Jackson had six months to live six months before he died. The part that Halperin now leaves out is that he said Michael was dying because he had an incurable disease that attacks the lungs and liver. He was the only person on earth who didn’t predict Michael overdosing, which of course is what eventually happened. Page 10 of Michaels autopsy makes no mention of any disease of the lungs. Page 11 makes no mention of any disease of the liver.
In an article for the Daily Mail, Halperin said Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitts divorce was a done deal and they would announce it soon. That was 18 months ago.
On Opie and Anthony, he confirmed the existence of a Tiger Woods sex tape. That was 19 months ago.
In April of 2010, he said there was a Sandra Bullock sex tape with Jesse James, which “includes James smearing feces on Bullock’s upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler moustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock’s asshole with a shotgun in his left hand.”
You may notice none of these things have happened. That’s not coincidence. I would trust what a ouija board had to say about Lady Gaga before I would anything from this dork.
Ben Affleck is from Boston of course, which is probably the most patriotic city we have, so of course he took his kids to the 4th of July parade in Brentwood on Monday. What’s surprising is that Jennifer Garner went along with him, because she’s from West Virginia, and people from West Virginia are communist sympathizers who hate America more than anything. I also heard they steal.
Speaking of Boston, that’s where I’ve been for the last 5 days. The plan was to post as normal but it turns out that Boston is absolutely awesome, and once I realized that I told the plan to go fuck itself. Everything is back to normal tomorrow though. Sweet dreams everyone.
Katie Holmes and Suri were at the pool this weekend, but not the pool at their house. It was their hotels pool in Miami. So it’s not one of those times when the paparazzi are a million miles away and the pictures are all blurry. But after seeing Katies belly button, what a treat it would have been if it were.
(image source = inf)