halle berry is somewhat attractive

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 5:50 AM

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Halle Berry is absolutely fantastic looking of course, but I’m not sure I’d invite her to the premiere of my movie if she wasn’t in it. She’s a little too good looking. It’s distracting.  Jesus and the Devil could be having a knife fight 3 feet behind her and I’m not sure I’d notice anything but her perfect face and tits.

(image source = wenn and pco)

um, is she okay

By brendon April 30, 2009 @ 5:13 AM

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Lindsay is still in Hawaii as of today, although God knows how she’s paying for this.  I asked the dude I know if the porn producer who loaned her the Maserati is bankrolling this and he said he didn’t know.  That was a good story wasn’t it?  The key to a good story is to present hope to the listener but then never go anywhere with it.  These rumors may hurt Lindsay’s reputation, but so will stumbling out of the shadows looking like she just got roughed up by a john.  Violence is not the answer, even if the sex is disappointing.  You need to communicate with your lover.  Like if a girl is no good at oral, I thump her in the forehead with my finger and say, “do it better.”

(image source = pacific coast)

sean penn is single

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 10:54 AM

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Sean Penn and Robin Wright have filed for divorce from each other twice already, but never one to give up, Penn filed for divorce yet again this past Friday.  The two have been married for 13 years but a couple for nearly 20.  They have two teenage sons, one 18 and one 15.  Us magazine says…

Penn, 48, initially filed for divorce in December 2007, but his petition was later dismissed. Three days later, Wright Penn, 43, filed her own paperwork.
But in April 2008, the couple’s divorce petition was dismissed at their request.

I don’t know anything about divorce paperwork but I assume his first petition was dismissed because he’s a sanctimonious pain in the ass and the judge decided Robin knew what she was getting into and why punish some new girl.  And then the judge told him, “this is your problem now dipshit.”  I’m pretty sure judges aren’t supposed to talk like that but it would be awesome.

chris brown thinks this is unfair

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 9:39 AM

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Chris Browns attorney was in court this morning attempting to have the case against his client thrown out because details have been leaked to the public.  Details such as, “he punched her in the left eye with his right hand (then) continued to punch her.  The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”  His attorney said…

“Leaks can form the basis for a motion to dismiss the case in regard to outrageous governmental misconduct.”

I think he means that evidence photo.  And if so his request seems pretty reasonable.  If the jury pool sees a picture after Brown repeatedly punched Rihanna in the face, they may get the impression that Brown repeatedly punched Rihanna in the face.  I don’t like the idea of the public seeing so-called “evidence” in trials.  How about we give Chris a true-false test to see if he did it, or throw him in a well and see if he floats.

oh stfu people magazine

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 7:12 AM

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People magazines 100 Most Beautiful list (here) hits newsstands today, and as always it’s mostly hippie fag rambling beneath flattering pictures of fat people and old people who aren’t attractive in any way but we have to pretend like they are to show how fancy and enlightened we are.  Christina Applegate is this years cover girl, despite the fact that she’s ugly, because she had cancer.  I don’t know what pervert over at People decided cancer patients were sexy, but every cancer ward within a hundred miles better put up his picture before he humps their recently dead.

wait, who the hell is that?

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 5:34 AM

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Wait, that‘s the girl Mel Gibson has been sleeping with?  Well then who the hell was that other chick?  Obviously this is the real one because Mel took her to the premiere of “Wolverine” (“More like Whore-verine”, Robyn Gibson would say later) last night.  I don’t feel too bad because TMZ was confused as well, and they’re a professional whatever you would call it with a building and staff and stuff, and I just have me and my award winning personality.

Speaking of being a big winner, if I had downloaded and watched that work print copy that got leaked, I might hypothetically say the movie is really good.  I don’t know if Daniel Henney (Agent Zero) reads this, but I have a hot friend who will absolutely have sex with you no questions asked.  To protect her privacy, I’ll just call her “Not Wendy”.  Must be nice to have girls throw themselves at you.  I never get that.  Sometimes I wonder if this Magic Necklace even works.  Is it on, do you have to turn these on or do they just do it automatically?

more distractions

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 3:48 AM

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Okay I still need to figure some stuff out here with the new software.  I don’t think I’m in love with the font.  Feel free to email me if you have any ideas.  No need to write and tell me that I suck, because that’s very much assumed.  In the meantime, look over here, it’s that high school cheerleading coach (this one) who got fired for posing for Playboy.  Because that’s illegal, and she did it while representing the school.  Oh wait.

site news

By brendon April 29, 2009 @ 2:55 AM

Oh dear God I thought this day would never come.  Finally, Tyler has a new publishing software.  It’s a work in progress, so please don’t freak out if things are a little dicey.  Whatever it is you hate right now will be different in a week.  Unless you hate Kirsten Dunst and the Vietnamese, in which case my hands are tied.  Believe me, I’ve looked into it.  The real hero in all this is me, because I had to write several emails while people like Pedro and Justin and Karina did all the hard work migrating 4 years of content.  My contribution included insight such as, “Oh cool,” and “What”, and “I don’t know what that is.”  I’m number 1, baby!

Okay so while I screw with this, look, it’s Diora Baird from the new Star Trek movie and her big awesome rack, now with much bigger pictures (go here).  It takes two hands for her to cover one breast.  Isn’t that just the greatest GD thing you’ve ever seen in your life?  Because she only has two hands.  So guess what that means.