Morgan Osman And Chantel Jeffries In Bikinis

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Morgan Osman And Chantel Jeffries Enjoy A Day At The Beach In Miami
There’s some kind of social theory that explains how people with like minds eventually find each other even in bustling metropolises. It’s an insect level and up innate instinct to bond into common interest packs. This is one chick from the Bad Girls Club which runs on VH-1 which I think is still a channel. The other is that self described model who was blowing Bieber when he was drag racing in the streets under the influence of near beer and Flinstone’s chewables. I could tell you which one is which, but would you really care? It’s like when the docent at the zoo feels obliged to list the names of the monkeys in the simian habitat. I don’t need to know their names. We’re not friending on Facebook. Just point to the one who flings his shit with any accuracy so I know when to lower my dental face shield.

Photo Credit: Splash

Behati Prinsloo Nip Slip At Oscar Party

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 10:24 AM

Behati Prinsloo Nip Slip At Vanity Fair Oscar Party
Like much of America, the entrance of Maroon 5 at the Oscars signaled a four minute window to take a much needed dump. If I want to see handsome men moping, I can sit outside any casting call in this town. That is how I intend to spend my golden years. Watching those who God anointed beautiful realizing once more they will be on their knees that evening blowing for their rent money. Fuck the pigeons in the park. Cosmic vengeance won’t shit on your jacket.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Fifty Shades of Grey Claims First Victim

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 10:10 AM

Mohammad-Hossain-Charged-With-Sexual-Assault

It was only a matter of time before the heathen sex highlighted in the mommy porn Fifty Shades of Grey inspired somebody to cross the line between pleasure and pain. A University of Chicago freshman got his girlfriend into the bound and gagged and blindfolded bit in his bedroom. She seemed to be into the moment. Even when he removed her underwear. Exciting stuff. I’m kind of breathless here with my cheesecake bites. Then he started whacking her with a belt, because What Would Christian Grey Do? That’s sort of the moment where the rubber meets the road in this whole BDSM mélange. She told him it was too hard and hurt her and she started crying. So, he started punching her. Then penetrated her. Then got arrested for criminal sexual assault with the only excuse that he thought she was into reliving the dungeon moments of Fifty Shades.

Here’s the thing about letting a nineteen year old boy tie you up naked to his bed, blindfold you, gag you, and whip you — you’re going to be fucked. It might be something you someday memorialize in your erotic diaries, it might be rape that shatters you as a person. But it’s going to happen. I don’t know why crazy kids can’t stick to unprotected banging and the occasional unwanted pregnancy or STD kerfuffle. Should you ever find yourself in a position where you’re hurting a woman because you imagine she likes it, stop. Even in the minuscule possibility she’s digging it and you can actually control yourself, you’re still one shade away going to prison.

Photo credit: Cook County Sheriff’s Office

Kylie Jenner Drops $2.7 Million on Her Teen Hideaway

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

Kylie-Jenner-New-Home
I don’t care if you’re seventeen or whatever Kim’s age is in whore years. These Kardashian girls earn their paychecks because they sell shit that people with narrow brain stems want to purchase. That couldn’t be more American if Kris Jenner had tramp stamped each of her baby girls with the stars and stripes and the slogan Fuck My Yankee Doodle Candy. Kylie Jenner just bought the $2.7 million dollar house in Calabasas where she’s like to be found pregnant and strung out in 2018. That’s just good planning. Ignore the haters who went to high school on a false promise, Kylie. They’d trade places with you in a second. Young, big tits, rapper dick, top line booze and drugs, nice clothes, vacations around the world. The merry-go-round stops at some point, but why not yell ‘whee!’ with your ass hanging out of your shorts while people will still pay to see. I just defended a Kardashian. Fuck you. I’m going to that house warming party.

Photo Credit: Realtor.com/PacSun

Newscaster Casually Drops ‘Jigaboo’ Into Conversation (VIDEO)

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 9:17 AM

Kristi-Capel-Miss-Missouri-2006
Never let TV newscasters go off teleprompter. It’s like shore leave for long at sea sailors. Somebody’s getting crabs to the face. Former Miss Missouri Kristi Capel let one fly on her Cleveland evening newscast by mentioning that Lady Gaga’s naturally talented voice is often lost behind all her ‘jigaboo’ music. If you look closely, you’ll note the microsecond spasm on the face of her black co-anchor who guffaws lightly as trained over and over again in newscaster school. Capel immediately apologized on Twitter because you’re not really supposed to use the word jigaboo in public company since 1911.

I do apologize if I offended you. I didn’t know the meaning behind it or that it was even a word.

Normally, I’d say that excuse is bullshit. Past teething age you don’t casually drop words that you don’t know are even words. You’re not living in a Dr. Seuss book where somebody complains their thromdimbulator is busted. Yet, it’s impossible to overestimate the plain idiocy of TV newscasters. I buy the fact she’s desperately trying to form a complete sentence without cues. Somebody find a Cleveland area human interest story not involving the phrase ‘body found’ and get that prompter back on. Redemption time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Go Big On The Oscars Next Year

By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 8:03 AM

Keat

The Oscars are an obnoxious self congratulatory circle jerk you’re occasionally forced to sit through with your girlfriend while she cries and you consider breaking up with her. She would totally blow Cumberbatch. Not even hypothetically. Just right now, on this couch. Your best bet is to turn this into an under the radar Super Bowl. Bet half your mortgage on a few gut instincts. Vegas odds on Birdman winning Best Picture were 18 to 1. The key here is not to tell your chick what you have invested. She’ll think you suddenly give a shit about evening gowns and are finally making an effort. Throw a safety bottle of Jack in the bathroom cabinet and make frequent pit stops. It goes well with the bottle of cab on the table. You’ll be feeling pretty good once this shit show nears its finale. Just like that you made eighteen thousand dollars and you’re in a crying embrace. I think she’s onto me. Let’s double up on the Papa Johns and fire up the industrial lighting. We’re shooting a fuck tape for the ages. Call into work tomorrow. We need some more cab. It’s so magical!

Photo Credit: Oscars.go.com 

Superhuman Briefly Soars Through Air

By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

 

Jump

Some guy named Byron Jones broad jumped 12 feet 3 inches at the NFL combine. The broad jump is where you just stand there and then jump, meaning Jones could probably kick the shit out of a saber tooth if he had a running start. This is widely considered a world record, although so was my consecutive beach ball punching tally this weekend because nobody keeps track of either of those things. Jones followed this up with a 45.5 inch vertical jump. It’s unclear how this translates to NFL football but if he doesn’t make a squad he could make a killing in crumpled singles on the boardwalk. If I was him I’d go on a lot of dates when it was raining and jump across the street from sidewalk awning to awning with the girl on my back like a superhero. Byron Jones is now the equivalent of the thousand pound goalie. Why can’t you just put some morbidly obese guy in front of the net? Why can’t you give this guy the ball and let him jump 12 feet to a first down? I don’t know. It just doesn’t work. Get this motherfucker a cape.

 

Hollywood Fancies Themselves Smart

By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

Eddie

Your average SAG member doesn’t read Popular Science or really anything except tapas menus and blogs that Google alerts their name. Yet they’re the first to vote for any film chronicling the subject of intellectualism. You’d think this were because the concept of studying something academically is as foreign to them as cloning dinosaurs. Not the case. These people think the only thing separating them from Hawking is they chose a career with more pussy. While mentally incapable of even finishing a theater degree at Arizona State, these formerly bullied teens are prone to fantasy. They don’t understand Hawking, just like they don’t understand me and how I wear a brown belt with my black Uggs. Throw in the disability aspect and it’s amazing this film didn’t sweep the Oscars. If anything playing Hawking is an easy gig which requires minimal prat falls. Congratulations to Eddie Redmayne. You just made half of Hollywood Amazon order their first non-fiction.

Photo Credit: Facebook