Diddy Punches Drake, Nobody Dies, There Is No Santa

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 11:56 AM

Diddy-at-the-Fountainbleau-Hotel-in-Miami
Rap music was always good for some murders between disrespecting douchebags with bad chin hair and questionable upbringings. Now the best you get is a Twitter feud, maybe a bottle tossing incident at a club with underaged Kardashians if you’re lucky. Sean Combs punched Drake outside a nightclub in Miami apparently because the two had a dispute over the interpretation of some found art projects highlighted at Art Basel earlier in the day. Also Drake still holds a grudge against Diddy for casting shade on his haftarah portion at his Canadian bar mitvah. Diddy apparently yelled out ‘you will never disrespect me’ then punched Drake in the sideburns. The fight was quickly broken up as both entourages simultaneously regretted not going to vocational college and learning a marketable trade. Unfortunately, Rappers have far too much to lose these days to bother shooting each other. Prison is not so bad when your straight out of Compton, less great when you’ve spent the last decade receiving spa treatments in Palm Beach and having girls with warm vaginas begging you to make illegitimate babies. There’s always the chance somebody will stroke out fro stress during one of these pugilistic pose offs. I’ll pray for that.

Ela Rose Grabs Her Tits Because That’s Marketing

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 10:20 AM

Ela Rose Goes Topless On The Beach For 138 Water In Malibu
I’m not sure who the first girl was who agreed to take off her top and hold her own tits for the camera, but add her to the list of unsung heroes throughout history. I’d place her just below the next female player to shank a Division IAA college football field goal and just above women who write loosely fact checked rape stories for Rolling Stone. I’m tired of seeing job application other interests as reading and traveling, boring. Note your ability to grasp your breasts in your own hands while taking on the surging tide and you will be hired. I believe that’s the good kind of sexism.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lena Dunham Mis-Fingers Rapist

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 9:30 AM

Lena-Dunham-Binder-and-Camel-Toe
Here’s a grand revenge plot for someone you butted political heads with in college. Finger them as a guy who raped you in college in your hilariously real and ribald memoirs. I closed Lena Dunham’s autobiography after I got to the part where she offered her baby sister candy if she could kiss her on the lips. The vomit cloth only soaks up so much between wringings. Lena alludes in her book to a college conservative named Barry as her rapist. By way of coincidence, among the three Republicans on the ultra-liberal Oberlin campus was a dude named Barry and that Barry kind of remembers not ever raping Lena Dunham. Mounting Lena Dunham does seem like something you’d remember, if for no other reason than the scent of day-old mackerel overwhelming your thalamus ten years on.

Lena decided not to come out and clear this Barry even after everybody had this dude wrongly pegged for the lowlife who savaged her fleshy loins. This could be Lena’s revenge for Barry not applauding loudly enough after her spoken word odes to abortion on center campus. Barry hired a lawyer at which point publisher Random House and their attorneys issued a statement apologizing for the ‘confusion’ and emphatically stating that the real name of the dude who raped Lena wasn’t even Barry. What a totally funny coincidence. Random House offered to pay Barry’s legal expenses because that’s just what kindly New York publishing houses do when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

The spitefully doughy Lena Dunham remains conspicuously absent for comment though it is difficult to retort while simultaneously digesting a Fugdsicle through each of your bodily orifices.

Eva Longoria in A White String Bikini

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 8:47 AM

Eva Longoria Wears A White String Bikini While Lounging On The Beach In Miami
The sooner you teach your kids that smiling for the public then being a monster in private is the winning formula, the sooner you can assure they aren’t living in their football banner covered rooms at twenty-eight. If animals could speak, you’d hear them giving this same speech to their own offspring before they kicked them out at sixteen weeks and ate them if they stuck around. Eva Longoria has been labeled high maintenance in Hollywood. Which means what? You won’t work with her making big cash? You wouldn’t throw your best friend in the path of an oncoming car just so you could fake grieve and try to bang her after the funeral? Life was more simple when we just called girls we couldn’t get lesbians, before we learned that was mostly true.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Mark Wahlberg Wants To Be a Cop

By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

WB

Mark Wahlberg wants to join the LAPD as a Reserve Officer, a program the LAPD invented so celebrities that fervently support gun control can have the right to carry personal firearms and make sure their bodyguards can do the same. Unfortunately you can’t join the LAPD Reserve Officer program when you have a rap sheet for beating the shit out of minorities. That right is reserved solely for the real police officers themselves. Wahlberg would first have to receive a formal pardon in the State of Massachusetts which is the reason he’s now citing as why he needs the pardon. To help the children.

Wahlberg apparently became fascinated with law enforcement after playing a cop in several movies, which means he thinks he will be doing a lot of dangling from helicopters and will most likely accidentally kill several people when he witnesses an illegal soda refill at the Lakers game. He’s definitely in better shape than Steven Seagal who they let beat up some handcuffed criminals on the streets of New Orleans for his reality show. On the other hand, Wahlberg did used to beat Vietnamese people with sticks. Maybe give him one of those prop guns like they gave the guy to fire at Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow.  That way no Asians gets hurt.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Superhero Movies Scraping The Bottom of the Tank

By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 7:44 AM

Mamoa

Highly accessorized Game of Thrones actor Jason Mamoa has agreed to play Aquaman in a slate of four films starting in 2016. Since there was zero clamoring from anybody anywhere to make an Aquaman movie, it’s time to admit that all the cooler comic book characters have already been plucked to be the stars of a movie that was ‘kinda okay for a superhero movie’. We’re now at the point when the first four girls we asked to the prom claimed to be taken and we’re chasing down the chick with the epilepsy helmet who keeps babbling the word Hodor.

Aquaman is a guy with scales who can survive underwater and telepathically summon the powers of marine animals, meaning he can easily balance a ball on his chin. He is vulnerable to staying on land for extended periods of time. Look for that gripping scene where he drags himself toward a Red Lobster only to discover quite suspiciously they have no actual lobster tanks in the restaurant. Mon dieu!. By the year 2029 when the last of these films wrap up you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren how you used to make fun of Aquaman too as you shell out $47 bucks a ticket for them and their shit ball friend with the hover board.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

NFL Players Getting Soft

By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Joe

For all the recent stories about NFL players being abusive hyper-masculine assholes, there are even more stories of professional athletes acting like heartbroken teen girls on social media. Joseph Fauria of the Detroit Lions has become the second football player in a week to go on Twitter and publicly berate his girlfriend  for selling herself up to a more successful player:

“Hey @DangeRussWilson enjoy her @ErikaAnnHammond. She had me thinking she was a loyal GF. I almost feel you @BrennanClay24 #SprayTan’”

Fauria’s girlfriend was Erika Hammond, a former WWE diva, which is known as a problematic demo. She apparently ditched him for the chance to fuck Russell Wilson a few times before he  gives her a gift card to REI and tells her to be on her way. I’d only call it disloyal if she’s a Niners fan maybe, otherwise this seems fairly sensible in the world of people who fuck pro athletes as a career.

Fauria basically imitating what Brennan Clay did last week shows his lack of creativity. How about something you can call your own? Score a touchdown and make it rain in the front row with some nude selfies your girlfriend sent WIlson. You know she did.. You’re a pro athlete. Stop acting like a junior high chick on her period buzzed on Pinot Grigio. There are plenty of loose women out there. Bang a few of the better looking ones then marry your publicist and listen to her when she tells you to stay off social media because you sound like a big fucking pussy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Eaten Alive Guy Was Hardly Eaten

By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 6:29 AM

Rosolie

Paul Rosolie is a self described Naturalist, a term meaning someone who likes to fuck with animals on camera because the pet shop gig didn’t pay so well. Rosolie’s Eaten Alive special on Discovery Sunday night was supposed to feature him being eaten alive by an enormous fucking anaconda to show that anacondas will swallow just about fucking anything., Rosolie designed a special space suit that would allow him to breathe while being swallowed as well as film the experience from the inside out. Most feral river pigs and baby gnus the anacondas usually dine on don’t have the luxury of such a lavish cable TV budget. The show was built up by Discovery for the past six months like Rosolie was going to be swallowed whole and a miraculously living Croc Hunter was going to be spit out the back end.

As you might expect, the actual show failed in every aspect. TMZ is reporting that the snake seen in the footage isn’t even the 25-foot big motherfucking wild anaconda Rosolie promised, but rather a captive anaconda shipping in from some screaming woman’s trailer toilet in Florida. It’s not clear that this smaller stand-in snake even with its retractable jaws could actually swallow Rosolie in his metal containment suit. It proved moot as Rosolie got scared and tapped out like a bitch when the anaconda actually got the naturalist’s head in its mouth and he realized he was frightened to death of snakes.

Calling yourself a naturalist and feeling pretty mighty because the dumb chicks at parties want to touch your shark tooth necklace is the first step on the road to an miserable fail on national TV. It’s unclear how the Discovery Channel paid for a show called Eaten Alive without demanding some proof of concept. I’d at least ask to see that shortest woman in the world from American Horror Story get digested before I’d believe an adult grown male could be had for lunch.

Photo Credit: Twitter