Chelsea Handler Is Almost Done

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 8:49 AM

Chelsea Handler Posts A Photo Of Herself In Her Underwear To Instagram
I’ve come to see Chelesa Handler in a different light now that she’s wrapping up her show. Once you consider that fucking the right people and drowning your regrets in booze is the standard apprentice track for Hollywood, she’s no different than Sam Walton. If men could fuck their way to the top, they would. We do it even when it gets us nowhere. Chelsea Handler managed to turn the rhetorical ‘What is up with Britney Spears?’ set to a canned laugh track into a dedicated audience of women and gay men on the coasts. She’s younger than Joan Rivers and she’s not as hard to look at as Kathy Griffin. Comedy is all about timing. Success is all about positioning.

Photo Credit: Chelsea Handler/Instagram

Natalie Burn In A Bikini

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 8:32 AM

Natalie Burn In A Bikini At The Beach In Santa Monica
This is that Russian chick from the latest Expendables movie. She seems incredibly confident in her Tampax Pearl. She’s got those unnaturally bright teeth reminiscent of the glow in the dark Dracula teeth. Women with stark white teeth are the equivalent of men who drive Ford Econoline vans. They’re hiding something. It could be a human meat grinder or it could be that they intend for their mom and two aunts to come over from Minsk to live with you after marriage. If you’re fortunate enough to be given an option, choose the meat grinder.

Photo Credit: Splash

Gilbert Arenas Seems Racially Thoughtful

By Matt August 15, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

Arenas

Gilbert Arenas went on an online tirade against Al Sharpton in the midst of the shit storm in Ferguson Missouri. Arenas is a known lunatic so it should not be surprising most of his manifesto which looks to be written on a gold plated iPhone is incoherent:

“The stats also show AL coon sharpton has not helped one situation he has protested at,he actually made it worst and because of him the jury goes the other way.”

I knew black people were allowed to call each other the N word but ‘Coon’ might be up for a community debate in the basement of a sweltering church, since it has not been used since the times of Davy Crockett. Its also unclear what website Arenas is referring to that keeps track of protest and trial statistics the same way as ESPN.com. Arenas is definitely an authority on civil rights issues since he once staged a brave protest by bringing guns into his own locker room in hopes of collecting on a card game. Arenas continued his poorly worded onslaught:

“#AL ur like a #THOT in the club,lookn for attention what u said at trayvons rally #enoughisenough ur right were tired of u PRETENDING”

‘Thot’ means whore. You’re welcome. The fact Arenas is so well versed in cutting edge night club jargon clearly shows he has his sites set on the betterment of the black community. Everyone thinks Sharpton can sometimes be an annoying blowhard, and maybe occasionally he breaks the law, conspires with organized crime rings, and also probably routinely shits his pants, but this is like the pot calling the kettle black. Actually I’m not sure if that metaphor is fair game in this case so I will enquire at said sweltering church basement community meeting.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lands End Catalog Subscribers Horrified

By Lex August 14, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Emily-Ratajkowski-Poses-Nude-And-Covered-In-Dirt-For-The-July-2014-Issue-Of-GQ-lb

Lands’ End, the catalog for women going through menopause who still want to appear breezy, accidentally mailed complementary copies of GQ magazine to a bunch of their subscribers. Catalog companies often do team up with the dying magazine business to send out targeted complementary subscriptions to demos they think might rescue their print operations for another couple of years. But this particular GQ copy had Emily Ratajkowski unclad on the cover which immediately sent the moms swooning to the feinting couch, then to Facebook to the Land’s End page to act like moms you hate:

My 14-year-old son brought in the mail today & was quite disturbed & fascinated by a ‘gift’ Lands’ End sent us — a copy of GQ magazine with an absolutely OBSCENE cover!!!

I’m going to guess your boy was more fascinated than disturbed. If it’s the other way around, your son is gay. Talk to him and tell him you love him as a person, though obviously not as much as his brother who excels in sports.

“We received your ‘Lands’ End Bonus’ of GQ magazine this weekend, and we are absolutely horrified. How can buying something as family friendly as school uniforms lead to soft porn in the mailbox? I’m thankful my son did not bring in the mail.”

Another mom worried that her son might see tits. Just a hint, mom. He’s probably surfing xHamster on the iPad while you’re posting pictures of your hydrangeas and hydrating menopausal suppositories in your Facebook updates. Just be glad he’s not gay like the kid above.

I ordered Christian private school children’s uniforms from your company and you sold my home address to a magazine company that peddles in soft porn for men???.”

Women sure do love to use the p-word. I wonder if they realize that 70% of the world thinks porn is more awesome than oxygen. GQ is about as porny as most bus stop perfume ads. It’s mostly dudes in designer suits knotting their ties and pretending to talk at cocktail parties. Land’s End issued numerous heartfelt apologies to the overwrought ladies in their readership. They offered to send them each a faux cashmere wrap perfect for letting your husband know you would prefer to not have sex ever again.

Photo Credit: GQ

Sveva Alviti Topless at the Beach in Miami

By Lex August 14, 2014 @ 1:24 PM

Sveva Alviti Goes Topless At The Beach In Miami
Women who go topless at the beach seem incredibly more friendly and trustworthy. It’s like offering the palms up gesture when encountering a Masai warrior. I have nothing to hide. Let us share a mug of blood together. This Italian actress gives me a strong sense of security. Unlike everybody else on Miami Beach who is hiding God knows what beneath their bikini tops. Explosives, melanoma, Ciara’s penis. It’s the uncertainty that breeds anxiety. Every woman under 140 should be topless by some edict. The women born with the genes that curse them to be large, we probably don’t need to trust them.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Taylor Swift Tongues a Model And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 14, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Karlie-Kloss-and-Taylor-Swift

There are rumors flying around the web that Taylor Swift decided to try girls after being disappointed by so many men who she tortured to get into her pants. Supposedly, she’s been munching on Victoria Secret model Karlie Kloss’ box. If this is true, then nothing the radical Muslims say about America can bother me. We are the greatest country ever.

Read all about Taylor’s dabbling in tuna tacos. (The Superficial)

North West begins her inevitable journey towards sluthood. (Dlisted)

Hilary Duff gives us a peek at her titty balls on Instagram. (Popoholic)

Poppy Delevinge and her ass hanging out in a blue bikini on a boat. (Hollywood Tuna)

“Bad Boys 3″ is happening whether you want it or not. (Huffington Post)

Snooki’s tampon flies out during dance rehearsals. Commence puking. (Drunken Stepfather)

Some ginger wrestler named Sheamus may play the next Darth Vader. Fuck. (Moviepilot)

Photo credit: Splash News

Lourdes Leon Smokes A Little Weed

By Lex August 14, 2014 @ 11:35 AM

Lourdes Leon Smokes In A Black Bikini On The Beach In Cannes
You know, it’s entirely possible that’s just a teeny tiny French hand-rolled cigarette. I’m only saying that so Madonna and her team of mystical Kabbalah barristers won’t lay Deuteronomy claims against me in a court of law. I’m not sure you’re allowed to smoke weed in France when you’re seventeen, though you are legally allowed to be a prostitute with a savagely unkempt pie hole, which seems terribly inequitable. I intend to be a horrible parent with truly questionable judgement, so I’m not going to judge Madonna for letting her teen sample the dank. Hearing your mom writhe and screech atop her teenaged French boyfriend each night in the villa necessitates some kind of medication. Unless you have proof it makes her tits smaller, I give my okey-dokey.

Photo Credit: Splash, AKM-GSI

Akon’s Ferrari Repossessed

By Matt August 14, 2014 @ 11:24 AM

akon

Akon is having his Ferrari repossessed because he decided payments on his lease were not in his wheelhouse. He now owes $250k for the car even though its not even worth that much on the Bluebook, not even counting the discounting for the smell of strawberry blunts. Also a car drops twenty-percent the minute you drive it off the lot playing Akon music.

Blowing money on extravagant possessions and winding up broke is just something rappers are expected to do, the same way members of The Eagles are known to diversify their investments. But being insolvent on a car is a special kind of retarded. Akon has spent what could have been a decent mortgage on renting a car for the past four years. On top of that it’s a car too small to live in. Akon will most likely end up going the spiritual route, squatting in a shotgun shack having converted to Islam in an effort to disavow all worldly possessions. In reality this will just be a street rep cover for the fact that he pissed away millions of bucks on teen girl impulse buys at the Beverly Center.

Photo Credit: Instagram