By Lex September 09, 2015 @ 7:03 AM
Kourtney Kardashian put all her eggs in the basket of a snowboarding alcoholic who she completely failed to recognize had no male friends. She could’ve looked right to Bruce Jenner who also had no male friends, a complication of incessantly polling your buddies, ‘Okay, obviously this is never going to happen, but let’s just say I was a woman instead of a man, would you pound my ass and call me Caitlin?’.
Kardashian took to the web to bare a picture of her big tits and something horribly wrong with her navel while riding a tricycle. A little signal to the eligible bachelors that she’s playful and kooky, and a nod to wealthy Middle Eastern businessmen that she can play young. You get versatile when you’ve got mouths to feed. Eventually all the super dumb people will be dead and she’ll need a new bag. Toxic shock syndrom litigant has already been taken. It’s trophy wife or human bowling pin. I assume you’d like to keep your fake teeth.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram
By Lex September 08, 2015 @ 3:12 PM
(editor’s note: had to change the photo because the baby penis lip balm people got sensitive. Google Taylor Swift penis lip balm if you dare.)
Somebody at the polyethylene manufacturing planet in Guangdong played a trick on Taylor Swift by rotocasting her a lip balm in the shape of a baby penis. Watch America’s G-rated sweetheart rub baby penis all over her lips and coo about the benefits. Very funny, Fong. Taylor Swift isn’t just a super popular racist singer putting on a retarded high school teen act, she is America. You trick America into rubbing baby penis balm on its lips, you get the Pacific Fleet. Somebody tell the eleven hot girls in China to duck.
Photo Credit: Eos
By Lex September 08, 2015 @ 12:26 PM
Kylie Jenner might’ve walked away from her Terry Richardson photo shoot with the pleasant memories of addict’s tarred fingers up her leathery chute, but everybody else got crap. We’re supposed to get tits. She’s eighteen now, There’s a process for drop-off at Uncle Terry’s Adventure Studio. A cock slap to the ear, you put on his goofy glasses and he takes crappy cyclone backdrop amateur shots of your bare teen tits. You don’t go through TSA at the airport just to get a nine dollar Whopper. This has to be about the money. Set a Kylie Jenner topless target on GoFundMe and I’m good for $25. No, I’m not wearing the autographed button she rubbed against her labia. Yes, I do still want it sent to me.
Photo Credit: Galore Magazine
By Jack September 08, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Modern Family’s Sarah Hyland has grown up and out right before our eyes. Here she is hanging out with some friends in bikinis. She seems to be getting very friendly with one of those girlfriends too.
Sarah is totally legal so it’s OK. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sarah Tansy does a naked self portrait…with a duck. (Egotastic All-Stars)
The Rock heroically saves a dog that was drowning because he wasn’t watching it. (TMZ)
Girls tugging their clothes down for a peek. (The Chive)
Jorgie Porter lingeries just for you, you lucky bastard. (Hollywood Tuna)
Hailey Baldwin’s legs would look better wrapped around me. (Popoholic)
WWE’s Barbie Blank has one hell of a fucking bachlorette party. (COED)
By Lex September 08, 2015 @ 9:40 AM
The Kardashians are hailing the return of their lone male member with a male member Rob Kardashian and how amazing his left arm looks after almost a year away at angry fat camp where social media is strictly verboten. Odd considering the large number of fat angry people on social media at any given time. For the sake of his sanity, Rob put aside his custom sock business and all the other work in his life that takes up to three hours a month and just focused on himself, why he was over-eating, beating up small women, and being a dick to the hot girlfriends he never could have gotten if not for his fame and family money. It’s a shame given how close Rob was to escaping the Soviet style clutches of his family and penning a true tell all book that would shock nobody. Khloe was cattle prodded? Kim trained on wood dicks that gave her splinters if she didn’t suck properly? What else you got, sock boy? I need something unexpected. Mule fucking Fridays? Tell me you have pictures!
Photo credit: Rob Kardashian/Instatgram
By Lex September 08, 2015 @ 6:48 AM
Bella Hadid is practicing the old school female empowerment where you get paid to flash your ass in a bikini. That gender labels hurt my chakra pop-up philosophy is unnecessarily complicated while the cheesecake shots only require you to shave your pits and stare blankly into the distance. You have to make up stuff to say about boys and dating and curfews but it beats an arcane discussion of human sexuality from a teenager raised on Facebook shares and ‘some high school’. I don’t want to live in a world where very modest looking women can’t easily subdue me with promises of sex. You don’t change horses midstream. Not when you’re fucking that horse.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Jack September 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Kristen Stewart pained herself to dress up and almost force a smile for the Venice Film Festival. People in Europe get spoiled emo better than we do here in the U.S. Embrace Angry Bella, Italy. Embrace her and keep her.
Behold the sexually fluid actress in all her glory. (Popoholic)
Jackie Moore gives us a peek in “Student Bodies”. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Tyga leased that Lambo for Kylie in HER name. I guess his credit is bad. (Last Men On Earth)
Vivid offers to pay for Mexican man with a 19 inch penis’s dick shortening. ¡Ay caramba! (TMZ)
Phoebe Price is being gross in her underwear again. (Drunken Stepfather)
I like thigh gaps, do you like thigh gaps? (The Chive)
Meanwhile, Bryana Holly’s tits. (Hollywood Tuna)
By Lex September 07, 2015 @ 10:46 AM
The dentist who lured, shot, skinned, and beheaded Cecil the Lion is returning to his practice after an extended vacation hiding beneath a coffee table at an undisclosed Minneapolis motel. Hunting famous lions doesn’t pay for itself.
I have a lot of staff members, and I’m a little heartbroken at the disruption in their lives. And I’m a health professional. I need to get back to my staff and my patients, and they want me back. That’s why I’m back.
Selflessness has a new name. Walter Palmer, DDS. Palmer claims had he known Cecil was a famous lion who stood as a symbol of wildlife conservation and whose death would cause a massive backlash around the world, he never would’ve paid $50,000 to bleed him to death with a poorly shot arrow. Hindsight is a motherfucker. Like when Palmer killed a black bear in Wisconsin and got busted and promised to never kill furry cute zoo animals again. That kind of hindsight. What do you mean open wide? Of course I trust you with my teeth. Is that a compound bow?