By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
Sarah Silverman doesn’t have a ton of competition for bleak personal flicks about midlife Jewish women suffering untold and unseen emotional traumas. Especially when she agrees to take SAG minimum and promote the film on her robust Twitter. Box Office Mojo makes it much harder these days for everyone to lie about having seen this movie and insisting others do the same. I saw the numbers. Nineteen people went opening week. Barely a minyan. Even depressed Jewish women have better things to do with their time than spend two hours seeing a depressed Jewish woman with much nicer tits than they. Xanax and a mani pedi is clearly more inspiring. You can’t eat popcorn with dental implants. I want my money back. I am the nineteen.
Photo Credit: “I Smile Back” Egoli Tossell Film
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 6:59 AM
Every time Angelina Jolie lops off another reproductive organ she celebrates by writing directing and producing a grossly disheartening foreign film. Is she legally not allowed to make depressing art house movies in the U.S.? I couldn’t read all the Sony emails. Jolie’s captured the horrors of the Bosnian war and that crappy Japanese tranny run prison torture camp. Found footage of her and Brad Pitt being emotionally callous in wigs in the South of France is set to bomb this weekend. She’s currently directing another film from her own script about a Cambodian human rights activist during the Killing Fields holocaust of the 70′s, before moving on to an animated feature about an Afghani girl who has to pretend to be a boy to keep her family from eating Grandpa.
Come up for a smile, Angelina. Your international cuddle of purchased children love you unconditionally. The Hollywood Foreign Press have a waiting list to suck on your future gender balancing power penis. We just want you to be happy again. Maybe get into some YouTube prank videos or something where nine of the eleven people who see your films don’t intentionally get their bare toes bloodied in the escalator sprockets just to feel something after your movie. What the fuck happened to you? I suppose you were always miserable deep down, but you faked a perfect smile to match your tits. We were happy. When did we stop mattering?
Photo Credit: Peter Lindbergh
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 1:24 PM
Someday Matt and I will be revered as forward thinkers. That or found buried in a shallow grave. I could be happy either way. There’s so much shit and hypocrisy in this world of beautiful daisies and hot Latin ass that somebody has to be willing to stand up and say, shit, this seems wrong.
In this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast the secrets of the universe are revealed by way of tranny teens, people discovering that social media is a waste of time, and everybody in the world wondering what the fuck happened to Angelina Jolie. You used to want to fuck her, now you just want to help her across the street and pretend she doesn’t smell like old lady liniment.
Imagine you’re a hornless unicorn and all the other animals at the zoo are mocking and sexually assaulting you. Now turn that frown around and do a good deed. Be sure to follow the show on Twitter, Facebook, and on the LastMenonEarth.com. Also hit us up on iTunes.
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 12:32 PM
It was just six months ago Ireland Baldwin was sent off to rehab to be cured of her drinking and interracial lesbianism, one of which is verboten in the Baldwin household. The person you never speak to at rehab is a geneticist who could trace the Baldwin DNA in your veins back to the earliest fucked up troglodytes ranting about faggots in their cave. You might as well cure a Frenchman of his pretentious gazes or ask Lena Dunham to stop resembling Cookie Puss. Maybe you get Ireland to stop going down on black chick rappers with some Red Asphalt videos about the ravages of oral chlamydia, but you’re not taking a bottle away from a Baldwin. Next time, wear underwear even if you only think there might be an open bar. Let’s check back in at thirty.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Jack November 06, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Kris Jenner, the mother of literally all whores, is turning 60 and the Kardashian Klan is going all out. They are spending 2 million dollars to celebrate the fetid maw of a vagina that they all fell out of. The African-American people should sue Kris Jenner’s vagina for the spike in STD cases in their community but we all know black people can’t win in court.
Read all about their fuck off party. (TMZ)
Candice Swanepoel is topless and loving it. (Last Men On Earth)
Lea Seydoux shows off her yabbos in the Mr. Skin minute. (Egotastic All-Stars)
I’d like to show Daisy Ridley my lightsaber. (Drunken Stepfather)
I like watching fit ladies get sweaty, don’t you? (The Chive)
Lily Donaldson’s cleavage is out of control. (Hollywood Tuna)
Rumer Willis is a total butter face with that chin. (Popoholic)
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
This Mexican American chick is taking matters into her own hands. She’s not waiting to be discovered. She’s out there taking gigs two by two. Anything. Clothed, unclothed, wet, dry, pre-moistened, catatonic modeling for Bill Cosby Throw Back Thursdays. You don’t get ahead in this world by organizing online signature gathering for Trump protests. Get your top off, splash on some water, and just watch the riches of this nation flow in your direction. Jeb can fix it.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 10:29 AM
The Canadian rich kid who founded American Apparel and had a solid multi-decade run at running his hands and dicks over young models now claims to be dead broke. It’s easy not to plan for your future when you can get away with so much epic bad shit in your present. Dov Charney is being sued by everybody who can find a lawyer now that the carrousel has stopped on his overpriced sexualized apparel for westside mall girls business. One day you’re running the hippest tawdry clothing company in America and asking underaged chicks in your office if they think your cock resembles a rocket ship the next you’re company is bankrupt and you’re down to your $10 million house and whatever money you squirreled away overseas because you’re a pervert, not an idiot. Life is like a box of chocolates. You can’t offer them to your guests after you’ve stuck your dick in them. It’s time to do the right thing. Sell the house and move to Bolivia with your fifteen year old girlfriend. Don’t let your lewdness and failures define you. Start a blog.
By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 9:31 AM
Ben Carson wants young black Americans who never vote to come not vote for him. Carson tuned into his inner jive and came out with a rap spot to run on the radio in eight urban markets. Not a single targeted listener is a registered Republican which makes it almost certain the real point of this ad is to remind white Republicans that Carson is the only black candidate and it’d look pretty fucking hip if they nominated him. His next drop is a pointed lyric wishing he could’ve touched Mac Daddy from Kris Kross with his healing hands. It’s followed by a slick blast at Drake for being a Zionist and challenging the authenticity of his mixtape. Carson is getting in the weeds. If Christ hadn’t assured him that the end of days was coming before the general election, he could’ve been a contender.