Ray Rice Might Play And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 20, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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It looks like Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension may not be so indefinite. He may get to play as soon as next month. If you think about it, he’s less likely to hit his wife if he gets to spend Sundays with the guys. If you think about it.

Read all about Ray Rice’s lucky break. (The Superficial)

Apparently, it’s not too late to make some money off Fappening extortion. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian dresses like a whore to go to Taco Bell. Surprised? (Huffington Post)

Maryna Linchuk naked in Allure Russia will make your wiener’s day. (Drunken Stepfather)

But let me tell you about Rita Ora’s tits. They are big. (Hollywood Tuna)

All I want for Chanukah is Natasha Barnard in lingerie. (Popoholic)

The rise and fall of a giant French art butt plug. (Dlisted)

Nina Dobrev In A Bikini

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 11:33 AM

Nina Dobrev In A Bikini In Recent Episode Of Vampire Diaries
89% of television is now softcore gay vampire fare. I think this is what Jerry Falwell was forecasting would happen back in the 1970′s if Hollywood heathens were allowed to start making television shows without his supervision. In defense of the immortal content crap are Anna Paquin’s bisexual tits and Nina Dobrev in a bikini. It’s hard to say if Nina Dobrev is a talented actress. It’s hard to even care. She is one good looking woman who shows up to work on time and doesn’t bitch about showing off her body. That makes her perfect for a short-lived career in the television or stripping industries. I could easily ditch my cable bill and purchase lap dances if she ever decides to switch things up professionally.

Photo Credit: Vampire Diaries

Iggy Azalea’s Ex Is Not So Good at Threats

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 10:39 AM

Iggy Azalea Wears Shorts While Singing At The University of Minnesota Homecoming
Nobody goes through life without at least one shit heel of an ex. It speaks to our stupidity as a species. Dung beetles know better than to mate because ‘they’re in love’. Humans insist on hooking up with whoever makes our genitals moist and pisses off our parents. That’s why the beetles will be here long after we’re gone. Jackass D-list rap producer Hefe Wine claims he and Iggy Azalea were legally married when she was a teen and he wants half her shit. He’s threatening to tell the whole world she gave him an STD if she doesn’t pay him cash money out of court. I’m not sure Hefe understands how blackmail works, but maybe on the next one.

It’s not within my emotional skill set to feel sorry for albino aborigines who inject rendered baby lamb fat into their ass to look more stereotypically black. That seems disrespectful to somebody, to the baby lambs at least. If this Hefe Wine character got pancaked by a steam roller, the world would be a marginally better place. If hip hop went away, it would be a much better place. But we’re going to need a much bigger steam roller.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nicole Richie Seems Composed

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 10:13 AM

Nicole Richie Looks Cleavy At Her Debut Of House of Harlow 1960 Jewelry Line At Bloomingdales
Nicole Richie celebrated the replacement of her last natural body part over the weekend with a fancy no-food party at Bloomingdales. It saddens me that women ever feel the need scalpel and inject and Scented Magic Marker themselves into unrecognizable collagen sculptures. Not the ugly ones obviously. You’re going to want to head to the Peruvian jungle clinic for that illegal face transplant. But Nicole Richie wasn’t a bad looking chick. Her dad Craigslist bartering her to Lionel Richie for three guitar picks and a bottle of Thunderbird probably stuck a permanent puncture wound in her esteem. But you need to learn to fill those cracks with narcotics and booze and other things that leave your system far sooner than the elemental chart nonmetals that have a half life of ten Cleveland Browns Super Bowls. Better dead than Versace.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Natalie Gal Figures Out America

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 9:18 AM

Natalie Gal Wears A Crop Top While Posing In Sexy Positions With Pumpkins
There’s a race every October to be the first woman to hold up two pumpkins at chest level so we can all pretend gourd tits is still fresh and funny. It’s the kind of thing that might be amusing between you and your girlfriend before sex in the way that everything your girlfriend does before sex you easily find amusing.

Natalie Gal is a Russian fashion model with a precise set of skills not related to improv. She could probably use a press rep to avoid similar situations at future American holidays. Like shoving the cornucopia in her gooey and declaring the Thanksgiving baby is on its way. You want to make a good impression on your new country. Until you marry a wealthy athlete, then you can plow your Mercedes drunk through the Pumpkin Patch and blame your cheating American husband.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Juiced Up David Beckham Ditches His Three Year Old

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

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There’s a good reason why David Beckham left his preschool age daughter alone in the car over the weekend. Juice. Pressed organic juice. Just a quickie. One more for the road. It’s been so long. Daddy needs his fix. Try not to be kidnapped. I’ll leave the window down so you can scream.

People obsessed with flushing out their rectal toxins before, after, and occasionally during Soul Cycle classes are wreaking video poker addict level social havoc. I don’t care how much she ruins the jaunty juicing line amateur nutritionist chatter  you can’t leave a three year old alone in a car while you wait for your fix. Victoria Beckham likely will respond to this revelation with a not amused frozen smile. It’s her angry face, happy face, sex face, and just saw a ghost face. Looks like somebody’s going to be using their mistress’ toilet tonight to extrude that raw kale and chard fiber goodness.

I try not to show pictures of celebrity kids because it means Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell having vegan sex outside my door in protest. If I can save just one celebrity kid’s life, I can abide watching Shepard massage his own prostate long after Kristen Bell has gone home to water the sprouts.

Stephen Collins Gets Off

By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:27 AM

Stephen Collins on 7th Heaven

Stephen Collins will not be charged with child molestation, even though he admitted to various lewd and German businessmen type acts with young neighbor girls back in the day. The statute of limitations has expired on the crimes he confessed to committing. Maybe he knew that when he made his confession. You don’t get to be a working pedo into your 60′s without being a little savvy. The police are searching for more recent victims as sex offenders tend not to stick to their New Year’s Resolutions of no more dangling my dick in front of middle schoolers this year.

In an effort to sway the public opinion of maybe three guys in the world, Collins’ attorneys are claiming his ex-wife ambushed him and recorded the criminal confessions to extort him for more dollars in their divorce settlement. Which is almost certainly true, but does little to deny the underlying sickly offenses. Sometimes, even when there is a conspiracy to fuck you up, that is still your jizz on the blue dress not belonging to your comely lesbian wife. If Collins had any shame, he’d write some unnecessarily long and self-serving apology letter then plant a pistol in his mouth and squeeze to seventh heaven. Come on Steve, don’t be a little girl about it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Shia LaBeouf Is Crazy Talented

By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:02 AM

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Shia LaBeouf claimed his drunken buffoonery was caused by his acting research and not the fact that he’s incredibly prone to being a douchebag. It’s hard to come to grips with being a Teen Beat boy slut. Some deal with this validated self loathing through drugs or suicide. LaBeouf has decided to prove his doubters wrong and become a Playgirl centerfold doing a bad Brando. Hemingway would blush but Cory Feldman is probably jealous. He describes pissing off Alec Baldwin during a shoot as the type of shit hardcore actors and not annoying assholes do:

“Alec and I butted heads hard. I was sleeping in the park . . . At the time, I was out of my mind.”

I wonder if he bunked with Miley’s unemployed male model ward who was also sleeping in the park. This park sure sounds like fun to me. Low grade heroin and blow jobs from trannies with The AIDS is Disneyland for the deeply self-loathing. LaBeouf’s plans following his next string of cuntiness are to do a lot of rhino hunting from a T Top Camaro while drinking aged bourbon. He won’t be happy until he’s died in some terrifically pointless masculine manner. Neither will we.

Photo Credit: Getty Images