Hilaria Baldwin Soaks in the After Birth

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:52 AM

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Hilaria Baldwin posted a photo of herself in bra and panties moments after dropping Alec Baldwin’s second half-Spanish half-bourbon baby onto the organic flax woven doula mat. I’ve seen addicted moms dig for the booze or recreational drugs not long after pushing the placenta out. They’ve been jonesing so hard. For Baldwin, it’s been a week since was able to post half naked photos of her fecund body. That’s a lifetime for a social media narcissist. It’s unclear what Alec thinks of all this other than he’s fucking a yoga instructor half his age and and that prevents you from caring much about the rest. One more baby and she’ll be ready to downward facing dog a pillow over his face while he slumbers. With hindsight, they’ll both agree it’s for the best.

Photo credit: Instagram

Charlie Sheen Kills Father’s Day

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:20 AM

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Proving all you need is a dick and drugs to make babies, Charlie Sheen is a dad several times over. For the holidays, Sheen likes to get especially tweaked and create reminders to his future father-less offspring of how conflicting it is when dad is deceased but also an asshole. Sheen fired off a Tweet on Father’s Day aimed at his last two wives:

Brooke M is a sexy rok star whom I adore D Richards a heretic washed up piglet Shame pile Happy Father’s Day!!!”

It’s not cool for a guy to favor one ex-wife over the other. If you have to choose I suppose you do go with the drug addict who was always carrying when you were strung out over a government holiday long weekend. Maybe it’s unfair to Denise Richards who took in Brooke and Charlie’s crack twins when both parents were so fucked up a judge prohibited them from even mentioning aloud the fact that they’d reproduced. Either way, this seems more like a Mother’s Day message. You can rest when your dead. Pencil in this coming Friday?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rihanna Seems Braless

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Rihanna Braless Open Jacket At West Hollywood Nightclub
According to HollywoodLife who takes banal stories and punches them up by way of anonymous sources and lots of exclamation points, Chris Brown was jealous when Rihanna and her new soccer boyfriend entered the same club he was partying at and started fooling around. Most guys love it when chicks who dumped them get their tits felt up by their happening new boyfriends. But not Chris Brown. According to HollywoodLife, he ‘stared’ and ‘fidgeted’, which are apparently action verbs. You never forget the feel of your knuckles compressing into the cheekbone of the first girl you ever loved enough to beat. This isn’t going away, Chris. But if you fuck another thousand models, the fidget should clear up. Rapper problems. Honestly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Obama Says Nigger, May Be Fired for Hate Speech

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Barack-Obama

Obama went on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast to seem relatable and become the first sitting President to publicly utter the word nigger. In discussing the shooting in Charleston, Obama mentioned on the podcast that progress in racial relations was more than ‘outcry over ‘people using the word nigger in public’. CNN and others breathlessly clipped the quote then bleeped and struck it out because you can’t properly discuss the impact of a word without first making sure nobody ever hears or sees it.

Obama halts ten seconds between each word so you know he chooses them carefully. This didn’t just slip out. This was his emphasis on appearing serious about race in America. Either that or he owns a piece of Maron’s podcast and wanted to blister the downloads. This monumental moment in the history of the N-Word is mitigated slightly by the fact the President and his cadre of appropriate minders have helped fuel the very political correctness wave that has prevented an open and honest discussion of racism in the first place. Narrowing free speech and debate have punched social and intellectual progress in the nuts. Politicians get ousted, teachers get fired, public figures get reamed in all forums if anybody dares speak frankly and starkly. Bonus points to you Barack for putting on the big boy pants. But if you’re going to continue to shit them, you might as well stick to the rubber trainers.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Drug Mule Carrying Coke in Her Tits

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

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There comes a time in every miserably failed moral crusade when even the stupid people have to give up the ghost. Like when poor girls in Columbia are having liquid cocaine filled tit implants pasted into their chests and told to fly to Barcelona without looking nervous or feverish. If you saw kindergarten aged girls in hot pants taking johns into the alley you’d probably wonder if maybe your community needed better schools and perhaps a tech job fair. There is no way to spin the war on drugs positively. It’s failed by every single measurement. The fact that it continues is testament to the fact that some chunk of our country still believes seeing a tit on ABC is going to drive the blacks to anally rape white housewives. Destitute girls in South American jungle cities shouldn’t be hacking up their bodies so Paris Hilton can have a toot in Ibiza before the bubble machine party. What’s wrong with this world? I know the answer but I’m not going to tell you until you’re ready.

Photo credit: Getty Images

J Crew Douches Get The Axe

By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

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J Crew is apparently run by pompous douchebags. One dead giveaway is they shop at J Crew. Alejandro Rhett was their VP of Men’s Merchandizing, meaning he sought out which products would get your made fun of the most at the barbecue. J Crew recently fired 175 employees, many in Rhett’s department. That evening he went out with two other Christmas sweater wearing assholes to a pretentious NYC bar that serves strictly prohibition era bullshit drinks and posted several celebratory photos to Instagram along with hashtags mocking the people he fired, including “#gonegirl, #hungergames and “maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavor.”

If you’re not a teenage girl those are Hunger Games references about people being forced to fight each other for survival. Luckily Rhett and his arrogant colleagues were promptly fired so he now faces the choice between blowing homeless dudes for chinos or moving back to whatever war torn country his parents greed helped destroy. Fuck you, Rhett. Good luck with your next job application. Yes, you have to wear that name tag.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Terrence Howard Reproduces

By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

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Actor and probable samurai sword collector Terrence Howard welcomed his fourth child to the world, the first with his latest wife who he hasn’t beaten the shit out of yet. At least not enough to disturb the neighbors. They must have a trash compactor over there. They named the child Qirin Love because they are assholes as evidenced by the caption of this twitpic:

“A mythical ½ dragon ½ lion who glides above the land so as not to harm even a blade of grass… meet Qirin Love!”

No actually it’s a tiny earthing who eats and shits. I know you think you’re special but so do ten year olds who haven’t mastered the art of street crossings. Interesting the reference to do no harm. Is this possibly because your husband has assaulted several women or because he’s the only member of the family who doesn’t kick homeless people? For reasons unknown Howard gets a pass on being a serial abuser, probably because he looks like the guy who parks your car. Can you get a prenup for this kid? Just have him sign with his footprint.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Miley Cyrus Dripping Fluids

By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 6:19 AM

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Miley Cyrus’ friend whom she enlists to leak information which nobody cares about have apparently confirmed she and Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell are a couple. This is according to the New York Daily News who earlier this year reported she was fucking Bigfoot. Sometimes you get lucky:

“They hold hands and hug and are very comfortable together. They’re definitely together.”

It’s interesting how sources always confirm the premise of your bullshit story without offering anything specific which you couldn’t have told yourself while wearing a wig. Regardless, Cyrus has definitely heard that licking twat is the hottest summer craze next to culottes and is daring people to call her a lesbian so she can say she doesn’t like to place labels on her sexuality or even various species for that matter. Who’s to say this is a rodent? It’s a child of God. This habit is also known as being uneducated and lacking a clear grasp of the language.

This will pass and she’ll soon get to brag about her ‘experimental phase’ over crocodile tears at the GLAAD Awards for some guy in a dress who finally had the courage to give The AIDS to his parents. In relationships there’s typically an inverse relationship between who has more money and who’s more attractive. Fuck it. Gain some weight and grow another beard.

Photo Credit: Instagram