Aubrey O’Day and That Other Chick Braless

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 10:51 AM

Aubrey O'Day Braless For Album Release  In Las Vegas
Aubrey O’Day and the other chick still left in Danity Kane celebrated the release of their new computer generated album outside an off-strip Wendy’s in Las Vegas. Neither of the girls wore bras which represents the better part of their musical contribution to an album whose buyers should be tagged like migratory birds so we might track their movements and store it in our Shit Stupid People Do database. Stupid people really are far more dangerous than terrorists. Though both pale in comparison to the flying fists of Danity Kane members punching each other in the twats because they care too much.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian’s Kid Trying to Tell Us Something

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 10:40 AM

Kim Kardashian Holds Hand Bag With North Wests Bloody Hand Print On It
I’m no psychologist, but I once got paid two hundred bucks for a grad student to ask me an alarmingly large number of questions about sexual attraction to inanimate objects. This $10K Hermes handbag the Belgian nannies forced North West to paint for her mom’s birthday isn’t just the random machinations of a toddler. There’s something dangerous ruminating in that imprisoned brain of the first daughter-whore. Note the bloody handprint surrounded by the more colorful splashes of sapphire and yellow. Like the rising hand of so many aborted older sisters and brothers she will never know. Suffering, marked with the sprinkling of hope. Redrum, Danny. Somebody copter in and save that baby before the next moon.

Photo Credit: INF

Jennifer Lawrence Nipples Make Us All Sex Offenders

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:26 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Nip Slip While Leaving Hunger Games Premiere In London
I was with Jennifer Lawrence when she labeled everybody sex criminals for whacking to her hacked photos. It seemed harsh, but backing her felt like I was finally striking a blow for sexism. Also, my best chance to get laid. Peeking into her dress top to stare at her tits is probably at least a Grade-B misdemeanor. Could be a Grade-A if she did some more chest exercises. Just saying, if you’re going to keep flashing them, put a little time on the pectoral Nautilus at the Bally’s.

Jennifer Lawrence lies somewhere on that Uptonian spectrum of ladies who want to bank serious cash off their looks, but call you names when you do look. Pack on thirty pounds and quit the picture business and you’ll notice the peeping tom count drops siginificantly. The horny geezer at Walmart will still crank his neck when you reach for items on the lower shelf, just enough to make you wish you hadn’t thrown out the baby with the bathwater.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Khloe Kardashian’s Tits Reveal Quiet Desperation

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:07 AM

Khloe-Kardashian-Braless-In-A-See-Through-Dress-At-French-Montanas-Birthday-Party-lb2
Khloe Kardashian employed some kind of Interstellar McConaughey quantum physics to show off her tits and legs and still be strapped into sixty-four percent restrictive girdle containment at a sponsored birthday party for her maybe boyfriend, French Montana. Khloe had been dating the rapper until one of her sisters told Khloe he wasn’t black and she felt betrayed and consumed an entire Marie Callender’s. Now she’s gassy and ready to land a decent man with failure to pay child support judgements to introduce to her real father before he dies alone in a Nevada prison. Khloe didn’t ask for this whore’s life, she was born into it. I’ll give her a break if she puts her undercrackers back on.

Photo Credit: Splash/Instagram

Steve Cohen Drops $100 Million On Mediocre Sculpture

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

Chariot

Billionaire hedge fund manager and status queen Steve Cohen just dropped over $100 million dollars on a dumb looking Alberto Giacometti sculpture called ‘Chariot’. Cohen is fresh off an SEC fine of $602 million bucks for insider trading, so this is a nice way to rub in the fact that although he got crazy busted he is still super loaded and probably somehow buying this shit with your beer money. Cohen spends 20% of his income on art, which means lots of money for dead Swiss sculptors.

I’d always thought the entire point of art was to get laid. I suppose having a $100 million piece of soldered shit in your foyer guarantees that when you bring s date home. But rich guys shouldn’t need to do this. The Lambo lined with news clippings of your net wealth should suffice. Questionable art should be left for eccentric widows and foreign despots. Rich men should buy sports teams and trophy wives. You don’t need art when a 22-year old Soul Cycle instructor is sucking the poison out of you in your luxury owners skybox.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

UConn Soccer Chick Needs a Mani

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 7:52 AM

Uconn

University of Connecticut Freshman Noriana Radwan has been suspended indefinitely from the women’s soccer team after being caught flipping the bird on ESPN following a team win. Radwan will now miss the NCAA Women’s Soccer Tournament which nobody actually knew existed save for Charles Barkley who already has wagered his house and car on it. Radwan was apparently taunting the losing team which is something you sometimes do when you get kicked in the cunt all morning. ESPN caught the gesture inadvertently while trying to find a hot player to fade out on or at the very least an ugly one crying. UConn has issued an apology for Radwan’s classless behavior although ESPN has yet to say it’s sorry for airing girls soccer.

Photo Credit: ESPNU

Jameis Winston On A Roll

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Winston

Jameis Winston is being investigated by the NCAA for point shaving in a recent game so his buddy could win a bet. His teammates think the allegations are complete bullshit because Winston is a stand up dude when he’s not pinning down girls and stealing seafood to use with the seasonings a booster gave him. Also he’s a very good quarterback. A backup lineman they could see for who he really is.

Winston allegedly tanked the first half of a game against Louisville so his buddy could win $5,000 and immediately parlay it into a brick of fake pot to sell on frat row. This is one of those cases where there seems to be no evidence against a guy who seems to be guilt of everything. Either way, FSU loyalists are going to have this kid’s back. If it came out he has been plotting an armed jewelry heist in Belgrade most Seminole fans would nod in acceptance and then immediately mention his volunteer work in the community.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Kelly Osbourne’s Close Call With Being Interesting

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

KO

Kelly Osbourne has her size lumpy panties in a twist because she had to talk about something other than her cunty clothing line on The Today Show. Osbourne was informed she would be questioned about Joan Rivers because a dead Joan Rivers is still more interesting a living Kelly Osbourne. The two became close while working on VH1′s Fashion Police, where they would often talk about the possibility of doing better shows over a lunch of 1960′s tampons preserved in powdered sugar. Today Show producers informed Osbourne that she would be questioned about Rivers, which Osbourne took offense to because people usually ask her about her talented friends or fucked up family members instead of her designer heroin needles:

“It’s something, to be honest with you, I really don’t like talking about… Please can we move on so I don’t cry?”

Osbourne proceeded with her segment then filed a complaint with AFTRA and Emma Watson’s new United Nations Woman Power Committee and awaited being made whole again.  Kelly Osbourne has said perhaps five interesting things in the past ten years and four them occurred when she was clearly wasted. I’m not suggesting she get back into drugs and alcohol. Only if she wants to be semi-relevant again. Sober Osbournes have little to offer this world.

Photo Credit: Instagram