Bruce Jenner, The Interview, It’s So Fucking Almost Here (VIDEO)

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

ABC is teasing the shit out of the upcoming Diane Sawyer sit down with Bruce Jenner. It’s pretty much all they’ve had since Lost went off the air. They’re in danger of dropping below Oprah’s Fat and Fatter Channel in viewership. They blur out Bruce Jenner in the promos as if the aired interview is going to show him looking like an intoxicated Judy Garland struggling through My Funny Valentine. It’s just a ponytail. Jenner’s choice to become a woman is going to inspire so many women trapped inside Olympic decathlete gold medalist’s bodies to get their own Diane Sawyer interviews. You’re either on the right or wrong side of history. No matter how you feel about Jenner’s decision, you have to support him. I mean, you actually have to. It’s the law.

Aaron Hernandez Still Seems Confident

By Matt April 15, 2015 @ 10:35 AM

HERNY

Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole though he’s officially listed as probable for the Patriots season opener in September. There’s a strong chance Hernandez doesn’t understand his sentence. He told everyone he’s going to Disney World. The Hernandez case was perplexing. Not in that there was any doubt he killed a guy, it was just remarkable how guilty he was. There were text message from the victim to Hernandez basically begging not to be killed. They were right aside security footage showing Hernandez playing with his gun. Hernandez remained oddly confident throughout the trial. It’s almost like someone told him rich guy football players can get away with murder and he believed them. They didn’t mention you’re supposed to pretend you aren’t guilty. Also, hide the murder weapon in the Kardashian house.

Hernandez’ lawyers will appeal to Massachusetts’ Supreme Court  who are too busy concerning themselves with chowder infringement litigation to hear about a thug who killed a guy and doesn’t have an alibi. At least your tats make sense now. You’ll do well in prison as you did in the NFL. Also, when you kill somebody in prison, they won’t kick you out.

Photo Credit: AbcNews/Youtube 

Kendall Jenner Uncovered in GQ

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 10:11 AM

Kendall Jenner Topless Covered GQ
I’m not sure if you’re supposed to read the article in GQ about Kendall Jenner or just tug one out to her Photoshopped images. I’m erring on the side of caution and pulling the shades. It’s no simple task to finish with that faint voice of her mom cackling out ‘yes, yes, complete the circle’ but a man knows what has to be done in the face of a Kardashian. Excuse, me, not in, on. Innkeeper, clam dip for all my friends!

Photo Credit: GQ

Shelly Sterling Gets Her Shit Back

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 8:51 AM

Stiviano-and-Sterling
The timeless battle between unstoppable shrew and unmovable whore ended when a judge ruled that V. Stiviano had to return the condo and the Bentley and other expensive gifts totaling $2.8 million from Donald Sterling back to Shelly Sterling because Stiviano never Quickbooks invoiced him formally for handies. Shelly Sterling argued that Stiviano suckered her batshit crazy husband into giving her the booty that was rightfully community property between the couple. Donald Sterling supported the argument by drooling in court and asking why Don the Chink won’t let him in the back door at Staples any longer. It’s kind of a sad day for hustlers, also for dignity and the expression of any earnest human emotions.

In court, Stiviano claimed that Donald Sterling was both a ‘father figure and lover’ which caused the stenographer to hurl and the judge to bring down the gavel in favor of Sterling. He did rule Stiviano didn’t have to pay back $200,000 in credit card expenses on Sterling’s card because she had stroked his crinkled penis on more than one occasion and you couldn’t put a price tag on that horror. Though, if you did, it would be around $200,000.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Katy Perry Big Boobs Nom Nom

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 8:31 AM

Katy Perry Big Cleavage In See Through Top While At Soho Desert House

Katy Perry kept her promise to her parents. Yes, the part about exposing the Jewish conspiracy to defile the world’s currencies, but also the oath to never expose her heaving tits to become famous. If the world could be filled with more women who incessantly tease for cash, what a heaven on earth this would could be. You were married to Russell Brand. You’ve done your penance.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kanye West Impromptu Swan

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Kanye-West-in-Swan-Lake

Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool.

Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!

Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.

Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!

Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is  a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Chick Bangs The Wu Tang (VIDEO)

By Matt April 15, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

CHICK

Some blond chick and her brow-pierced buddy thought it would be funny to troll Divorce Court for a free trip to wherever they shoot this in the valley. It was. He accused her of fucking the entire Wu Tang Clan. You get sick of dining out at the Buffalo Wild Wings. Share a bed and fuck some strangers. Don’t tell your husbands in the morning. If you have a defibrillator on the pulse of pop culture a decade ago you’d know the Wu don’t tour together. The token black judge of whatever show this is and her cliche ridden non-union bailiff don’t. Hence this would be impossible but if you’d asked Merv Griffin if this trash could pass for television he’d have choked himself to death with his giant dick. RIP. Where are the meal vouchers? I’m having dinner with these two.

Dennis Quaid Losing It (VIDEO)

By Matt April 15, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

RQ

Dennis Quaid blew up on the set of some shitty movie he was shooting presumably because Josh Brolin had the part in the movie he really wanted. Quaid was apparently pissed because when you shoot a film for a community college film program you occasionally have people on set who don’t know what they’re doing. The tirade seems fake but you have to realize Quaid is related to his fugitive brother Randy and mental illness runs in families if not passed down by spoons full of boiled Clorox and needles. If indeed a spoof on Christian Bale’s similar freak out on the Terminator set a few years back this is kind of funny. Although Bale is an actor and Dennis Quaid plays a subservient man bitch in most of his Lifetime movies. He’s treading on Andy Dick status where you act like an asshole and people will just smack you in the mouth or threaten to fire you instead of kowtowing to your horse shit. It’s not worth all the paperwork. How are you a key grip and you can’t hold your iPhone sideways? I call bogus.