Portia de Rossi Loves to Skywrite

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:12 PM

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Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.

Blue Ivy’s Real Mom Might Take Her Back

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 2:07 PM

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According to the website MediaTakeOut, which was once almost right about something in 2012, a woman named Tina Seals carried Blue Ivy in her belly for nine months and is now suing for custody. According to HollywoodLife.com, which takes completely unfounded stories and then hires experts to give quotes to make them seem legitimate, the surrogate mom might actually have some custodial rights even though she contractually bound herself to a womb-for-hire arrangement. It has to do with complicated family law in the State of New York that has yet to catch up with the multiple ways in which rich and famous people are making babies magically appear these days.

During Beyonce’s pregnancy, many conjecturing assholes such as myself contended she was faking the entire swollen belly bit and that the future stripper named baby was really being carried by a surrogate. This is an extremely common practice among high profile women who make money off their figures. Beyonce skipped all those trendy naked pregnancy photos and when it came time for the birth, the couple rented out the entire floor of the hospital so the baby could be born in extreme privacy. It was all very suspicious. Leading to opportunistic crazies like Tina Seals to now come out of the woodworks. Since the baby presumably carries no DNA link to the surrogate mom, I’m not sure how you prove your carried Blue Ivy in your womb. Maybe it still smells of Shalimar and gold.  None of this is true. But it’s fun to imagine annoying things happening to super annoying people.

Photo credit: Splash News

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 1:43 PM

Jennifer Nicole Lee Poses In A Bikini Poolside In Miami
I like this working mom. She seems to be trying super hard to do something of some sort. It doesn’t really matter what it is. America tends to reward achievers. I’ve always admired those who try their hardest. Like a coach who lies to his team after a big loss about how winning isn’t everything. Or the speeches our Presidents make after pulling our troops out of armpit countries we couldn’t make better in a thousand years. Doing your best. That’s the real scoreboard. Also showing your tits. Both those things really.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Jared Leto’s Cock And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 19, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

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Alexis Arquette, the tranny Arquette sister I guess, claims that he schlobbled Jared Leto’s man parts and that it was wonderful. According to Arquette, Leto’s dick was like something out of the movie Gladiator. I’m not sure what the fuck that means. Does it look like Russell Crowe overacting?

Read all about Jared’s throbbing Roman general. (Dlisted)

Keanu Reeves makes the transition to TV because his career is officially over. (Huffington Post)

Nadine Leopold in bra, panties, and garters. You’re welcome. (Popoholic)

Nina Dobrev does that ice bucket shit in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chris Brown trades in kicking women for kicking a kickball. (Celebslam)

Jessica Lowndes getting all sweaty in exercise videos. (COED)

Katy Perry and her bikini body went to a water park. (The Superficial)

Taylor Swift Jumps the Taylor Swift Shark (VIDEO)

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 12:40 PM

Taylor-Swift-in-Shake-It-Off-Video
I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.

“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”

The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.

Cora Deitz Was Born to Model

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

Cora Deitz Topless In The August Issue Of Interviu Spain
I’ve always been envious of people who’ve known what they wanted to be their entire lives. When I was six I stood up in front of my classroom and told everybody I wanted to be a garbage truck. I had esteem issues the school psychologist told me was brought on by me being a total loser. That seemed unnecessarily harsh. Core Deitz wanted to be a model since as far back as she can remember. That’s truly admirable. The world can go without astronauts or Congressmen or baseball players and we still keep spinning. If we ever lose attractive girls from North Carolina taking their clothes off for cameras in order to feel special, we might as well all jump off.

Photo Credit: Interviu

Nicki Minaj Pleasures Drake

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 10:19 AM

Nicki Minaj Gives Drake A Lap Dance In Stills From Her Anaconda Music Video
Nicki Minaj pretends to pleasure Jimmy from DeGrassi in her new Anaconda music video. I don’t have the inclination to dig deep, but I’m guessing Anaconda has something to do with big black cock. At least it does when I search the term on YouPorn nightly. I bet Nicki also ‘casts shade’ in her new song. Casting shade and simulating sex are the hallmarks of modern music. Back in the day, strippers pretended to be sweet girls trying to pay for college or their dying dad’s kidney transplant. Now they’ve got record deals and they brag about who’s tapping their ass. If you’re big on honesty, you’d have to call that social progress.

Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram

Kim Kardashian Takes An Ass Selfie

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:24 AM

Kim Kardashian Takes A Bikini Selfie For Instagram
Technically, since her staff of eleven was involved in the shot, it’s less of a selfie and more of a heavily staged ass sculpture. But if this is any indication of the quality of the photos in Kim Kardashian’s selfies coffee table book, expect men masturbating in the reading areas of the Barnes and Noble to rise significantly. There’s nothing finer than a short woman with an enormously fat injected ass who’s taking a piece of the action in the nation’s hottest selling app for non-gifted girls 12-17.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instgram