Jennifer Garner Resigns (VIDEO)

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Ellen DeGeneres committed the ultimate social faux pas by asking Jennifer Garner if she was pregnant, the answer was no. Of course, this is all staged and producers before the show have walked Ellen and Jennifer through this mock revelation so that the exchange appears to be off the cuff. Those mad fucking geniuses. The stage was now set for Garner to excitedly share with everyone she will rock a slight gut from now on:

“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”

I’ve always felt once you turn sixty its time to start doing heroin and binge eat yourself to death, though I guess you couldn’t really do both. But Garner isn’t there yet. If you feel like you’re a bit stretched out, why not hit the gym instead of soliciting affirmation from a studio audience blindly applauding a lady dressed like a sitcom dad? Maybe you can’t fix the entire ‘bump’ without surgery, but I bet some stomach crunches and Pilates will make it less bumpy. Accepting yourself is great, but accepting yourself as damaged goods probably isn’t super healthy once the lights at the Ellen Show dim. At this rate Garner will pass away of old age peacefully surrounded by loved ones sometime in December.

Virtual Japanese Pop Star Appears On Letterman (VIDEO)

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 8:38 AM

Hatsune Miku made her American debut on Letterman. Miku is a cartoon mascot for a software company which allows users to produce tracks to be sung in her tinny annoying jailbait voice. Even if the music becomes a hit, the Artist is Hatsune Miku who again is not real. She is projected onstage by mirrors like Cher, who has been dead for several decades. She has also been opening for Lady Gaga and doing an equally stellar job of lip synching and wearing stupid shit.

Given Japan’s obsession with anime and synthetic pussy, several Miku songs are big hits. The GEICO Gecko would have a few number ones in the states if throngs of struggling musicians started giving their music to his likeness. Of course, that would be seen as culturally perverse, yet an army of adults rocking out to a 16 year old cartoon chick is just goofy fun when Japanese white cotton panties clutching culture gets in the mix.

I know this is somehow wrong but I can’t explain why. Like cronuts and the entire 1970′s. Maybe it’s that people would rather watch a shitty cartoon than an actual band. Maybe it’s because this is the first pop star than can be legally raped and killed in perpetuity by forty year old dudes in their basement. There is a slippery slope, although I think we fell down it when Letterman’s producers booked a fucking teenaged cartoon.

NFL Brands Its Cattle

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

CK

Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 dollars by the NFL for wearing Beats By Dre headphones. Bose is now “The Official Sound Of The NFL” narrowly replacing the sound your brain makes when sloshed up against the cranium wall from violent impact. Players are free to wear whatever they want on personal time and for now are permitted to form their own world view:

“Under terms of its agreement with the league, the NFL confirmed, Bose received a broad set of rights that entitle it to prevent players (or coaches) from wearing any other manufacturer’s headphones during televised interviews. This ban extends to TV interviews conducted during pre-season training camps or practice sessions and on game day — starting before the opening kickoff through the final whistle to post-game interviews conducted in the locker room or on the podium. The restriction remains in place until 90 minutes after the play has ended.”

Bring up the cases of a few battered women and the NFL moves like 16th century bureaucrats discussing theoretical boundary lines of ancient Prussian territories. But the sniff of cash gets them fired up. They have all taken oaths to fall on swords before they let anybody touch their paying sponsors in an unfriendly manner. It’s not that it’s wrong to ask your employees to pretend to like the products of the advertisers ultimately paying their contract costs, it’s just so fucking uncool.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Airplane Janitors Strike Over Ebola Tainted Feces

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 6:12 AM

airserv

Employees of Air Serv, which cleans some of Delta’s airplanes, went on strike at LaGuardia for 24 hours citing Ebola concerns before promptly returning to work at a prearranged time go clean up some more contaminated lavatories. Air Serv hired some scabs for the day and probably didn’t sweat it. Delta doesn’t give a fuck if there’s a puddle of puke or an Ebola consumed corpse on your seat just so long as you don’t ask for Geneva Convention humane levels of legroom. A union rep explained the employees are not even given proper protective gear when cleaning various colonies of foreign viruses:

“We’re in contact with feces. We’re in contact with urine, and those bathrooms have to be very clean. The pressure that we’re under to clean each plane is only 5 to 8 minutes, and 5 to 8 minutes with gloves that break instantly you’re not protecting yourself from anything.”

There are epidemiological lessons to be learned here. The weak will die first. The more Purell you apply to your child’s chubby little hands, the sooner he will be consumed by the deadly plague. These poor immigrant workers are tempered in piss and shit and you don’t see them complaining about Lyme disease, fibromayalgia or undercooked free range beef. It’s because they’re tough. Quit your bullshit hysteria and run your tongue across the escalator rail on your direct flight to the stickiest country you can think of. Stop being a bitch. Ebola eats the bitches.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Mayhem Miller Live Tweeting Police Standoff

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 2:35 PM

Miller

Former UFC fighter and professional crazy person Jason “Mayhem” Miller was due in court for domestic violence and stalking warrants but missed the proceedings because he overslept. People on manic drug episodes tend to crash out, not to mention miss important appointments. Miller insists he had done nothing wrong and the woman who filed the charges is insane and off her meds. This would pass the smell test, as she at some point felt the need to get railed by a guy named Mayhem. He says when he tried to leave his houses it was already surrounded by a SWAT Team, at which point he began giving constant updates of the situation via Twitter.

“I now see a literal Armored Personal Carrier pulling up. They tryna to murder me. I just want a peaceful solution.”

Miller continued tweeting to people, and to his dog who he apparently created a profile for about the proceedings. He also invited everyone in the area to come watch the drama. UFC fighters are thrill seekers. Mayhem does not fight anymore so why not get the adrenaline fix of your life via a SWAT standoff with a captive audience to boot. Not being in fighting shape, he may find it hard to grapple with a dozen dudes in riot gear, but never underestimate the heart of a champion.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Obama and Gwyneth Paltrow To Join Wonder Twin Powers at Rush Hour

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

Obama-Visiting-Paltrow-Residence

Right about the time L.A. traffic gets super fucking horrible today, President Obama is going to make it truly memorably by hitting up the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop House West to discuss matters related to ISIS, the prevailing long term bond rates, and any possible Danish salves that might help his lady be more ready for him without the need for foreplay. I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be than a get together with Barack and Gwyneth and one hundred of their self-satisfied and decked out friends racing to slap Ben Affleck on the back for defending killer Muslims from being labeled as killer Muslims. That is if Jennifer Garner allows the contact.

I’d never suggest anything bad happen to the President of the United States. It’s illegal to even think about stuff like that. They will Minority Report your ass right down to Guantanamo. Same thing goes for Gwyneth Paltrow who has been designated a national landmark or treasure or ex-patriot whiny halibut or something like that. Gwyneth has been trying desperately to be in the news since she uncoupled with her husband and he started coupling with that hot topless chick from all those 4Chan photos. I wish all of them nothing but a wonderful evening. At the same time, if I send over a horribly feverish recent immigrant from Sierra Leone with flowers for the party, please let him in to use the toilet.

Pamela Anderson Unrecognizable With Her Tits Covered

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:07 PM

Pamela Anderson Sports A Mullet And A Short Dress While On A Date In LA
I have that dreaded disease where you have trouble recognizing faces. Sometimes I walk right by a guy I spent three years sharing an apartment with or some girl I don’t recognize comes up and slaps me for having sex with her sister while we were still married. It’s confusing. I rely on body parts to figure out who’s who. Last week I identified Pamela Anderson in a car without needing to see her face. I can describe to you ever centimeter of her tits in greater detail than the Rover can digitally map out the surface of Mars. I look at this blond chick and all I see is drunk stripper with a mullet. Without her tits hanging out, she may as well be a coat rack. I know many men who don’t have my same ailment still share a similar opinion.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Simone Holtznagel Is The New Face Of Guess

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

Simone Holtznagel Is The Busty New Face Of Guess
Australian models seem to do well for themselves. Unemployment rates among hot blond women with large hooters runs about zero. That takes into account the vast majority who need not look for a job in the first place. This chick is the new face of Guess. Which I think means jeans and jackets primarily for eventual resell in Moroccan bazaars. She joins a long list of Guess girls who have gone on to fuck and marry very successfully like Claudia Schiffer, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Anna Nicole Smith. Drew Barrymore was also the Guess jeans model at one time which can only be explained by both sides being very drunk.

I respect anybody who makes it to the upper echelons of their profession. Anybody who thinks modeling isn’t just as every bit cutthroat as any other profession simply hasn’t been molested since childhood, forced early into adult clothing, and criticized by panels of crank lesbians for having chicken calves. Not to mention eventually having sex with Leonardo Dicaprio, if you’re lucky. David Spade if you’re not. Congratulations to Simone and the entire Holtznagel family. Not everybody earns their money back on braces.

Photo Credit: Instagram