Joe Paterno Gets His Wins Back

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 11:55 AM

Joe-Paterno-Statue-and-Child

A couple years back the NCAA declared that all the Penn State wins during the time Jerry Sandusky was boning young boys in the showers were null and void. It’s pretty easy to see how a coordinator raping kids means those touchdowns didn’t count on Saturday. It’s unclear what the impact of losing past wins even means. Do the kids who played at Temple in ’03 now jump for joy because some ten year old’s rectum got torn and their on field loss is now a forfeit win?  It did affect the record books which no longer named Joe Paterno as the winningest coach in college football history. Which was important to the Paterno family who felt Joe’s legacy was tattered merely because he thought forcible sodomy just made kids stronger. Some Pennsylvania senators got involved and convinced the NCAA to restore the Penn State victories. That’s sort of why we elect people and pay them. To fix the big ones. I haven’t read all the details so I haven’t got to the part yet where the NCAA gets more money. Or the part about the child abuse charities getting endowed. I’m just happy to know that Dottie Sandusky can go by Paterno’s grave and remind him that Jerry said none of this would ever come back on the program.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Co-Exist

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Angelina Jolie And Jennifer Aniston Were In The Same Place Last Night And Nothing Happened
A you stole my man with your slutty vagina accusation lingers on through eternity. At the time, it seemed easy to peg. Jennifer Aniston was vanilla ice cream and Angelina Jolie was hot pussy juice flavored ice cream and stole Brad Pitt because he has a dick and that’s how dicks works. Jennifer Aniston has spent the past decade pretending like that’s not what happened and she’s crazy fuckable. Angelina Jolie has spent the past decade doing every possible thing she could do to become less desirable. Adopting the united colors of Benneton babies, directing important films because somebody has to, and hatcheting off her breasts to counter future cancer. All of which goes to show Brad Pitt’s lucky bastard karma isn’t what you think. Also, I might be sexist for saying that shit about Angelina Jolie being less desirable now.

Photo Credit: INF

Michelle Rodriguez Wants to Buy a Baby

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 9:29 AM

Michelle Rodriguez Wears A Bra For Interview
Michelle Rodriguez did another interview where she said she’d never be in a long term relationship because why the hell would you when you can fuck Zac Efron on your rented yacht, pull into port, then fuck Cara Delevingne in the ladies room at a Knicks game without even douching. That’s just thinking like a man. But, Rodriguez is naturally drawn to the idea of renting a chick to make her a baby so she can have something to call her own:

You might get lucky enough to find that unconditional love in a friend or a lover, but it’s very rare. So if I ever have a kid, it’d be so that I could look in those eyes and know that this child is a piece of me and will love me the same way I love, but I think that’s selfish of me.

No, Don’t even think that. Dogs are great, but no matter how the nanny coaxes, they’ll never utter ‘Mommy, I miss you’ into the phone for you to hear while you’re finger banging Portia De Rossi in a rebound fling on a Kenyan glamping safari. Lots of women and unemployed Central American men feel that yearning to make babies to have something to call their own. Don’t think of it as selfish, call it something else, like totally unselfish. You’re famous enough that your friends and the magazines will go along with it.

Mariah Carey Clutching Her Vegas Cash

By Lex January 16, 2015 @ 9:13 AM

Mariah Carey Busty Cleavage While Leaving Dinner In Hollywood
Mariah Carey announced she’s opening her Vegas residency with a show featuring her number one hits. The news was disappointing to that guy who bought a torn piece of her gown off eBay who loves her extended work. Carey’s getting paid something close the Gross National Product of Honduras to sub in for Celine Dion who is taking a year off to travel the world in search of a newer nose. In the midst of her divorce, Carey made sure Nick Cannon got none taste of her new Vegas cash. She worked out some kind of deal with Cannon where he gets a few million and visitation rights to the twins at the Public Storage locker in Riverside. But he isn’t touching mama’s Caesar’s Palace money. The future might be tough for Nick Cannon whose most sellable skill was pretending Mariah wasn’t getting fat.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

More on Bethany Frankel Pot for Anorexics

By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

BF

Talk show host and balsa wood carving Bethany Frankel is planning to launch a line of marijuana specially engineered to not give users the munchies. It would be branded similar to her line of Skinnygirl margaritas and cocktails which almost zero skinny girls drink. As of now it could be sold in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, and Washington. These are states where recreational marijuana use is legal, and also the states with the dumbest waiters. This officially marks the end for weed. It’s not cool anymore. Pretty soon Pepsi Co. will be rolling it up in Taco Bell rappers and hiring Lady Gaga to pitch it to you during TGIF or embedding it in Super Bowl promos. You had your day, stoners. Better immediately move onto something illegal if you still want the neighborhood kids hanging around your shitty apartment and bringing their female classmates. Coke has been a solid staple for years. Nobody can smell it on you. Clears your system fast. Bethany Frankel doesn’t endorse it. Dive in.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

John Travolta Trolling

By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Trav

John Travolta was in a Planet Fitness at 3 am even though his estate clearly has a gym and he probably doesn’t work out. Travolta struck up a conversation with a gym goer and then allowed him to take a photo, a series of events which is the straight man’s equivalent of going to a dumb fucking dance club and buying girls shots. The guy posted the photo to Reddit and explained how extremely outgoing Travolta was:

“He asked what I do for a living, if I was married, if I have kids, and what do I do with my spare time.”

These are all things you ask someone if you’re genuinely being a nice guy or trying to gauge how open they are to blowing you. Odds are Travolta shot down a chick in yoga pants. This dude either proceeded to deep tissue massage Travolta in the steam room or is too much of a dunce to understand the rules of anonymous gay hookups. Neither would surprise me, but it’s definitely one or the other. He’s in the gym at 3 a.m.

Photo Credit: Reddit 

Ray Rice Is Now A Model Husband

By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Rice

Ray Rice threw a birthday party for his wife and bought her a name brand purse so it looks like everything is fine now. Janay Rice then had the nerve to caption a photo on Instagram with:

“I literally have the best husband in the world. He went above and beyond to make my birthday special.”

I don’t know about the best husband. There are still some guys out there who don’t roll their eyes about attending the farmers market and never played pinball with your head in an elevator. If I were Janay I’d strive for Fair To Middling at this point. There’s a fine art to overcompensation. When done right it can be shrugged off as delusional. When it seems calculated you’ve failed miserably. Please call off the parade and cancel that cast iron bust of your family you ordered. I hope the couple makes it without another incident but hyperbole doesn’t make it more likely. The Best Husband in The World is literally Hugh Jackman. He’s handsome and most certainly gay. Plus he’s not throwing any punches. Literally go back to college.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jennifer Aniston Savvy

By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Lady

Jennifer Aniston recently reminisced about about her ex boyfriend who died of brain cancer in 2007, Daniel McDonald. Aniston apparently thinks she should have settled down with him posthumously, which is amazing news to the guy she is currently banging, Justin Theroux:

“He would have been the one. But I was 25 and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”

Maybe that dude you fucked in Jamaica that one time was his way of saying thanks for dinner at Lawry’s that night he forgot his credit card. And that guy whose dick you sucked in the bathroom at the Playboy Mansion, still mad you talked him out of the Corvette. The comment struck a chord with Mujah Maraini-Melehi, who later married McDonald and probably bragged to all her friends who his ex was before it started gnawing at her. She says Aniston is exploiting the story to draw attention to herself so her menopausal breakout Cake can gain traction during award season.

She also says Aniston wasn’t around when McDonald had the cancer, because in death you hate your ex-girlfriends even more. Mujah wrote a long letter on Facebook explaining what a hypocrite Aniston is, and outlining pretty much every detail of her career and personal life in the process. I think she’s still holding onto the pain. It’s weird knowing someone you loved put his dick in such a soulless jack off. Try not to think about it. The tabloids are full of shit. Except the blessings shit Aniston said about her current boyfriend. That’s bonafide. 

Photo Credit: Facebook