Miley Cyrus Speaks Ewok

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

MC

Miley Cyrus is either functionally illiterate or speaks through a Google translator set to Lil’ Wayne’s Baby Mama. She’s trying really hard to be stupid or is just half this stupid and wants the rest to blend in:

“da most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship. yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…. Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still…”

What you’re saying is already annoying without sounding like an offensive slave stereotype from a Jim Crowe era pulp novel. I understand you think it’s cool to mildly irritate people. That’s what the tongue thing is about. And your face. We can’t stands no more. Pull up your pants and attempt to properly articulate your retarded thoughts or you’ll be banished to the WB before your next attempt at being a person goes viral.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi Walk Into a Bar

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

FEMEN Activists On International Womens Day
I hate being the guy to point out that the more clever FEMEN becomes, the less attractive their activists. But I don’t mind the heavy lifting. It’s statistically challenging to find hot smart chicks who will bare their Sharpie marked up tits in public. Just imagine that Craigslist Paris ad for that no-pay gig. Smarmy crickets. On International Women’s Day, the all god’s creatures are beautiful girls of FEMEN took to the streets of the French capital to protest religion. Outside of L.A. Wiccan, organized religion has never been kind to homely ladies. You hide your face and we fuck through a sheet are not rules men make up for SI models. I don’t know what these women want, but I hope they get it. Anything to make them smile.

Photo Credit: Getty

Suzanne Somers Pie To The Face

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 12:09 PM

Suzanne Somers Shaving Cream Pie To The Face
Somebody sick of Suzanne Somers bragging about how her husband services her senior snatch daily took a shaving cream pie to her face outside Dancing With the Stars rehearsal. I think it was her dance partner who still has nightmares about his beard wife’s similar demands once a year on Stalin’s birthday. A contract is a contract. After the initial ha-ha’s and you got me’s, the propolene glycol in the shaving cream reacted with Suzanne’s Darkman dermis layer and she began to writhe around in a steamy cappuccino froth. Everybody had a really good laugh because Joyce DeWitt is still totally available.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Patrick Schwarenegger Playing the Vagina Field And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Patrick Schwarzenegger might be stepping out on Miley Cyrus. He was spotted getting intimate with some random party chick in Cabo. It’s possible the couple have a hall pass relationship, with Schwarzenegger choosing ‘girls who don’t look like marmosets’ for his catch-all pass.

Check out Patrick’s new lay. (TMZ)

Everyone loves a hot girl in red lipstick. (The Chive)

Metisha Schaefer shows off her thong-covered booty. (Egotastic)

Kate Hudson bikinis in Malibu with Mr. Coldplay. (Huffington Post)

Charlie Riina is covered topless and it is awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kat Torres takes a beach shower in a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Alba wears a see-through white dress and shows us her bra. (Popoholic)

Two Year Old Kid DJs (VIDEO)

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

A final RIP notice for any illusion that DJ is a legitimately skilled profession. I don’t care what your job is, if a two-year old kid can replicate your product, it’s not real work. Your days of stacking blocks and shitting in big boy potties and pretending it’s a scarce talent are over. While our guard was down, Satan and his vagina minions convinced the world that DJ was an acronym with inherent value. Also, that cuddle parties were a thing. This has allowed his less talented demon hordes to travel freely and quite financially comfortably within our midst. Guys with ironic ball caps are raking in millions. Paris Hilton is winning international trophies forged of tin and public pool gonorrhea. DJs are getting laid by Victoria’s Secret models. It’s some madness. It ends today. Maybe tomorrow. Nothing cleans up slower than idiocy.

Tallulah And Scout Willis Cheerleaders

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 10:33 AM

Tallulah And Scout Willis Cleavy While Shopping In LA
It’s a big deal when any of the Willis girls lands a gig. Rumer got herself onto Dancing with the Stars where only the top flight of irrelevant celebrities land nine times a year. ABC can’t crank that shit out fast enough. They got the message on Lost. Too many people bitching about purgatory. Why waste the cash. Do you realize how little you have to pay a Willis daughter or a waived gay football player to appear on your dancing show? Glitter don’t need no deep dive fan forums. Tallulah and Scout put on their chin gloss and finest tops and went to support their sister at rehearsal. Any notion of bras was forgotten four day time cocktails ago. Rumer might just take this entire competition. Let me know. I can’t watch. It feels too much like somebody is stepping on my balls.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Justin Bieber Stoned Cold Roasted

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Justin Bieber Tries To Keep Eyes Open During His 21st Birthday At Omnia
Comedy Central filmed their Justin Bieber Roast over the weekend because they needed the money. A bunch of athletes and rappers and comedians who’ve never met Bieber roasted him with generic sex jokes primarily regarding Selena Gomez. They also invited Martha Stewart because that’s just funny. The Kardashians guffawed from the front row, prodded by invisible fence collars that let them know when something was funny. Bieber suffered through it, before reciting a few one liners provided by his writer and then got to the reason he put up with this shit in the first place. The grand mea culpa:

There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man

And with that, every single element of what could possibly ruin a comedy roast was officially deployed. Bieber was hustled onto his private jet to get wicked baked and fly to Vegas to take half a mill for hosting his birthday party two weeks late at the new Caesar’s Nightclub. People looked at him and tried to be proud.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kylie Jenner Is An Ambassador of Love

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 9:43 AM

Kylie Jenner Major Cleavage While Repping Her Role As Ambassador For Nip Fab In London
Ambassadorships used to be handed out to old white men who ran petrochemical companies and donated heavily to politics. Now it’s mostly young celebrity chicks with big knockers. I’d call this progress. Kylie Jenner was named Ambassador to the Nip+Fab skincare line in the U.K. which makes balms to keep your nipples luscious and shiny. Also, progress.

Over the weekend, the rapper Tyga who’s been fucking her secretly because it’s illegal couldn’t hold back any longer, posting sweet prose against a picture of his beloved:

Certain things catch your eye, but only few capture the heart.

Pretty smooth. You really have to be if you’re a grown man with a wife and a two-year old who wants to plow underaged chicks. Rumors are swirling that the pair are already engaged and will became B-list rapper husband and booty call official after Kylie turns eighteen this summer. Parents of teen girls everywhere are probably freaked out by the normalizing of this illicit relationship. But not to worry. Unless your daughter happens to be famous and worth several million, most rappers will just bang them pregnant then take off. You don’t have to have them over for dinner.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet