Cosby Responds Seems Off And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 15, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

477708425

Famous TV dad and thirty-times alleged rapist Bill Cosby finally spoke up about all the sexual assault charges in an interview where he said basically, fuck if I know. He babbled incoherently for the whole interview as if he’d been roofied and was preparing to fuck himself while asleep.

See if you can make out what he’s saying. (Huffington Post)

Charlize Theron isn’t naked in Mad Max, but she was before. (Egotastic)

If you think The Edge is as big a tool as I do, enjoy this video of him eating it on stage. (TMZ)

Mon Dieu! It’s Sophie Marceau’s panties! (Drunken Stepfather)

Meanwhile, in Salma Hayek’s tits news…(Hollywood Tuna)

Vain girls taking scantily clad selfies in the mirror. Excellent. (The Chive)

Emma Stone shows off her legs, thighs, and pretty much the whole bucket. (Popoholic)

Tess Holliday First Plus Size Modeling Photos

By Lex May 15, 2015 @ 11:49 AM

Tess Holliday First Plus Size Modelling Photos
Most plus-sized modeling hubbub is some bullshit around a chick with a typical co-ed winter body modeling designer wear and pretending it’s a significant breakthrough in women’s rights. Tess Holliday is different. She’s big big. Which means all the style magazines that actively promote anorexia need to overcompensate and laud the shit out of her courage. For Tess’ part, she just wants you to feel something when you see her in Spandex:

I think if someone doesn’t look at an image and feel something, you haven’t done your job. Whether it’s a negative or positive, it should evoke something in them.

Stellar strategy on her part. Win the Super Bowl or come in dead last place. That’s my job. I can’t really fail unless I go 8-8. Fuck, I’m the Chargers. Like other fat women trying to find something meaninful to say, Tess is out to redefine what it means to be a beautiful woman. The skinny girls kind of originally defined it and have done pretty well for themselves. Fat Gisele doesn’t make $30 mill a year.

There is no one way to be a woman, or to be beautiful. We all deserve a place.

The classic switcheroo between we all deserve to be treated decently and we all deserve professional modeling contracts. What else do we all deserve, because I could use a gold-plated urinal and a Masters green jacket. Your goal to redefine obesity as beautiful is counterproductive to the very women you’re claiming to want to help. At least Oprah got her crowd on yo-yo diets and gave them full-sized cars because she knows how bad fat women look in compacts. Drop 50, inspire others to save their lives. That’s beautiful. God bless fat America. Obamacare has you 60% covered. Some of you won’t be here next year..

Photo Credit: Instagram

Nicole Murphy Wants Her Money Back

By Lex May 15, 2015 @ 10:28 AM

Nicole Murphy Bikini Photoshoot In Miami
Nicole Murphy isn’t just a forty-seven year old who shouldn’t be doing bikini photo shoots any more, she’s a woman on a mission to punish a con-man who swindled her out of $7 million in Eddie Murphy divorce money. She’s set to testify in the trial soon of some guy who told her he was connected to Middle Eastern royalty and could move her houses and cars and shit for cash if she gave him the keys and the titles. I’d be pissed too if somebody stole my I had to be married to Eddie Murphy money. You can’t put a price on that. Though Murphy did. $15 million in a suitcase at divorce signing. Now, half of it has been spent by a dude she can only point to in court and ask him if he knows what it’s like to have to fuck Eddie Murphy. He doesn’t, but he does know what it feels like to fuck you.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Miranda Kerr Plunging Dress Because Why Pay Ten Grand to Cover Your Tits

By Lex May 15, 2015 @ 9:20 AM

Miranda Kerr Plunging Dress At Cannes
Cannes is that jackass dude with tons of cash who always has a hot girlfriend. The one you originally thought you’d like to murder in his sleep, but later decided it would be more fun to wake him first and taunt him with his pending demise. The trucks and boats full of international supermodels that arrive for the film festival and related The AIDS charities events is unmatched outside of the code red called when DiCaprio’s feeling extra horny on a Saturday evening. If life were fair, it would be super fucking boring. Find yourself a way to weasel into this world and get yourself some. Everybody hates the fraternity except for the people in it. The same goes for Miranda Kerr’s snatch.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

3rd Annual Reality TV Awards Happened

By Lex May 15, 2015 @ 9:06 AM

3rd Annual Reality TV Awards Heidi Montag And Spencer Montag LB
Apparently there’s something called the Reality TV Awards. Most people try to obscure the dirty places they earn their money, but reality television has decided to celebrate. ISIS will never attack such events even though reality television is the epitome of all they find infidel with Western culture. Booze, excess, harlots, sodomy, and worship of pagan consumer idols. In fact, who doesn’t find that disturbing. I might be willing to go joint venture sinister with you ISIS on the 4th annual awards. We’re going to need several months to plan and get stupid silly at hookah bars. Grape leaves seem grubby when you’re high on nicotine and plotting to smudge out Spencer and Heidi. I’m not wearing the backpack but I will write the mwuhahaha Twitter digs post facto.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jalen Rose Gets Nasty

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 8:47 AM

ROSE

If you have a strong recollection of Michigan’s Fab Five you’re somewhere between needing your testosterone checked and attending your thirtieth college reunion and getting a whole bowl of punch since you’re the only guy there. The Fab Five were five guys from Michigan who got paid in tract homes to play college basketball. Two of the most prominent members were Chris Webber, who is famous for calling time outs when they are not appropriate such as during moments of silence for the victims of Katrina, and Jalen Rose. They don’t like each other, presumably because Webber got paid more pillowcases of quarters. Their feud is currently heating up since they’re both on TV, ratings suck, and Rose is still pissed Webber never put a sock on the door when fucking Rose’s cousin. Webber recently did an interview and blasted Rose for being vocal about the whole thing:

“A lot of people… after they retire or they’re looking for a job or they want to be relevant… they go back in time and kind of… make sure their importance is really known.”

Think of this as a rap battle if both rappers worked for Disney. Unfortunately for Webber, all of corporate TV allows one guy to speak his mind so their cultural sensitivity instructor can show interns what not to do while getting water boarded. Rose hit back with impunity:

“One dude lied to grand jury and hasn’t apologized. One dude tried to circumvent the documentary to HBO. One dude ignored multiple requests from everyone involved after agreeing to participate. One dude played like Obama and sat in a suite during Michigan’s recent title game. One dude is not in contact with the other four (which is all good). One dude clearly is delusional and still in denial. Congrats on your amazing success! Respect had no price. Man up!”

I don’t know whose side to take in this. In fact I barely know where the state of Michigan is but I heard it’s beautiful if you make it out without a sharpened toothbrush in your liver. You both have jobs. You’re doing better than the other three. Call it a life. Just make sure you have enough.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Floyd Mayweather Stay Home

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 8:11 AM

FMM

Floyd Mayweather went to the Golden State Warriors game and was booed loudly when shown on the Jumbotron but to be fair he was the only black guy not in uniform. We’re all for progress just not in my back yard and why is this arena in my fucking back yard I have half an acre. Some wine fed sports enthusiast started heckling Mayweather while sitting right behind him but he gets that all the time. That’s why he employs body guards. Some people think it’s because he carries around stacks of hundreds for his super cool Instagram page and is a target for robbery. Not the case, a debit card and you’re all set.

Turns out Mayweather is a petite little guy who only knocks out women. Hence a lot of dudes want to kick his ass. Particularly the chick’s parolee brother but also the guy piloting the private jet. The terrorist are innovative you have to give them that. At some point during the night the chick hit a member of Mayweather’s entourage with one of those annoying clapping sticks they hand out at games and his food stamps nearly fell out of his sweat pants. Reports differ as to whether the dude reacted physically or not. Police are investigating. Either way, if McDonald’s can refuse service to any customer I’m pretty sure the NBA can too. Auction off the ticket to a charity that helps battered women. One less headache. Trip him.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The Simpsons Limping To The Finish

By Matt May 15, 2015 @ 7:40 AM

SHear

The Simpsons are still on television contrary to that emotional retrospective at this year’s Emmys. I haven’t watched it in roughly fifty years but I understand the voice actors have negotiated the rights to my house when I pass away. Harry Shearer, who voiced the roles of Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Kent Brockman, and many others, has left the show after a negotiation fallout regarding merchandising royalties. Showing up twice a week and eating jelly bellies is a pain in the ass. I’ve got half a billion and I never forgot how you skimped me on that Papa John’s back in ’87. Fuck you and your fucking show because it sucks now and that’s for making me lick the toilet seat. The dude that does Bart is creeping me out. Plus those private helicopter rides were killing me. Maui looks so much closer on the map. God I hope Ashton Kuther’s available. Shalom. 

Photo Credit: Getty Images