By Travis February 26, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
When Derek Jeter finally retires from being forced to like Alex Rodriguez at the end of this baseball season, there will be a lot of questions surrounding his next move, including which girl he’s going to have a lot of sex with. That means it’s time for Minka Kelly to get back to the gym and get back into game shape, because she’s in a perfect position to be there for her man once again and maybe even convince him to finally settle down. That would be huge for her, since her latest show that nobody watches is probably going to be canceled, but also because Jeter is wealthy and famous enough to keep sleeping with 20-somethings long into his 90s. But we’re pulling for Minka, mainly because she’s not getting any younger and no woman should have to go running back to Wilmer Valderrama.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 7:15 PM
Everyone has their own timetable as to when their spouse owning an unregistered handgun weighs so heavily on their mind that they turn the gun and their husband into police. For Ariane Felton, that time was coincidentally about a week after filing for divorce from New York Knicks guard Raymond Felton. Ariane told the police that Raymond never threatened her with the gun, she just didn’t like it being in the house. It’s unclear why Raymond Felton would require a FN-Five-Seven Secret Service style body-armor piercing semi-automatic weapon in his upscale New York condo, but if he parties with rappers, that would still leave him on the weak end of a gat-off. New York apparently doesn’t have the same program as here in Los Angeles where the Sheriff gives out special gun permits to celebrities in between their anti-gun rally appearances. Regardless of prevailing laws, I stand firmly on Amendment the Second. Everybody should have the right to arm themselves as needlessly as they see fit. Everyone also has the right to marry scheming chicks currently attending Law School who know plenty well how to fuck them over come divorce time. The right to be an idiot is sacrosanct.
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 5:11 PM
Those War of the Worlds plotters at the bogus 138 Water Company have now just started grabbing random chicks and telling them to take off their bras to sugarcoat the pending invasion. You’d be surprised how reasonably well ‘Hey, you, hot chick, here’s $100 to take your top off’ is received in the streets of Los Angeles. This young woman’s name is Bo Osinski. Yes, that sounds like a Canadian hockey goon form the 70′s. A hockey goon with a cracking body that is going to get lots of earthlings shredded in the enormous wood chippers that will soon be hovering over the skies of our major cities. When the attack begins, there will be no escape. Maybe I can sign on as an early traitor to my race in exchange for a quickie with Bo. Then I can enter the wood chipper without any regrets.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:52 PM
Meh, the story is old as time. Celebrity DUI and a ramming of a police car turns into a sentence of wet and reckless, which is the L.A. courts version of your parents yelling at you for taking the car in high school. Amanda Bynes was found mentally stable enough to stand trial on careening her Beemer around Hollywood after bar closing a couple years ago and given the pro forma plea deal of probation, alcohol counseling and a fine. Combined with her similar arrangements on bong tossing in New York, Amanda is now scheduled for substance abuse meetings eleven out of the next five days. By the time she’s completed all of her court-ordered education, Amanda will only be four credits shy of her own Chemical Dependency Counseling license. She can start taking on her own patients,behind the dumpster in the Van Nuys alley next to Margot Kidder’s animal-testing free cosmetics company.
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:16 PM
While daddy struggles with the minority-hating man in the mirror, Ireland Baldwin has been tapped to be the Oscar night fashion correspondent for TVGN. I have no fucking clue what TVGN is or what Ireland Baldwin knows about fashion, but if they can commit to having Ireland correspond in a thong bikini, I’d take the time to spin through those couple hundred alternating gay propaganda and Christian ministry channels on DirecTV. I’m not sure how deep Ireland Baldwin is on the fashion correspondent depth chart, but now that everybody has a cable channel, you can count on seeing the likes of Tootie from Facts of Life and a guy who once played Dr. Who in a college engineering department skit reporting live from the red carpet. For me, it will always be about the wondrous look in Seacrest’s eyes as he imagines himself in each successive flowing gown that keeps me tuned in for two hours of pre-show.
Photo Credit: Ireland Baldwin/Instagram
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:01 PM
Khloe Kardashian may be built like a WWII era German flak tower, but there’s no such thing as a completely impenetrable fortress. An intoxicated Bigfoot hunter wrapped up Khloe from behind as she tried to make her way into Miley’s Bangerz tour. How Khloe’s bodyguards let this potential Sirhan Sirhan lay his paws upon her fecund expanse is something of a mystery. It’s a failure of the very name of their professional occupation. I’d think Khloe qualifies for some kind of Secret Service detail given her inherent importance to the retarded girl social media food chain, Khloe’s inane complimentary tweets about every musical artist who gives her free close-up tickets to their shows keeps several key sectors of our consumer economy booming. Khloe’s the Harry Knowles of bubble gum pop. If she stopped shaving for a couple weeks, you’d really get that analogy.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Jack February 25, 2014 @ 3:34 PM
Justin Bieber is facing his haters with love and a shitload of attorneys. The twink pop star has chosen to stand trial for his DUI arrest in Miami. The prosecutors had offered the diminutive Canadian a plea deal where he’d get off with standard celebrity justice: probation and random drug tests. Justin reportedly told those Sunshine State hosers to piss off, aye. Presumably that drug testing part might prevent him from hotboxing private jets and drinking cough medicine with pops. So, now he’s going to have to borrow some big boy pants and go to the Dade County courthouse to face charges. This means that Justin could have his license suspended and could face up to two years locked in a building where his nickname soon becomes ‘Sink the Stink’. Though if you’re a betting man, figure on a fine and a couple weeks of fake rehab. This crooning Napoleon is going to get himself killed well before anybody successfully locks him up.
By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 1:56 PM
Lea Michele’s girlfriends have been urging her to move on from Dead Cory Monteith. That’s what girlfriends do. Check out your own lady’s circle of friends, someday they will be convincing her to stop visiting your grave and to start sleeping with the guy down the hall. Think about that the next time one of them needs help with her car or moving furniture. Lea seems to have accepted their advice. She’s been spotted dating boys again, one of which will be the next unwitting bastard to accept her shrill mating call and seals his ungodly fate. However, tragedy still sells better than hope, so Lea continues to hawk her gloom in V Magazine:
She [Stevie Nicks] told me from the beginning that music is going to be my therapy, and at the time, I was like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about, Stevie Nicks? I don’t want to listen to music. I can’t do anything. But once you get out a little bit of the tunnel, when you slowly start to feel like you can be yourself a little bit, it does help. It’s so cool I have her number.
Powerful shit right there. A widow’s tale mixed with a celebrity name drop, that’s like crossing streams (RIP Harold Ramis). I think even Lea realizes her Dead Cory Monteith tales of survival are wearing thin, so she agreed to do a Terry Richardson revealing photoshoot for the magazine. She also agreed to feel totally awesome about herself:
My friends call me Grandma, but, like, Grandma’s killing it right now. I’m pretty sure Grandma nailed it in a half-naked Terry Richardson shoot, okay?
Nailed it indeed. I can’t help but think Dead Cory Monteith is looking down on you from above and desperately trying to shit on your head.
Photo Credit: V Magazine