George Washington Just Another Politically Incorrect Asshole

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 1:48 PM

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Some poor shmuck kids book writer Ramin Gameshram was tasked by Scholastic to write a kindergarten level picture book about George Washington. Somebody slipped him some note about needing to be multicultural so he made the story about Washington’s slave cook Hercules who was supposed to be making Washington a birthday cake but had no sugar! Oh, fuck me kids book problems are the worst.

Scholastic pulled the book from distribution a week after release because a groundswell of really angry people wrote really angry things about the black slaves looking super happy about being slaves and making George Washington a fucking birthday cake.

While we have great respect for the integrity and scholarship of the author, illustrator and editor, we believe that, without more historical background on the evils of slavery than this book for younger children can provide, the book may give a false impression of the reality of the lives of slaves and therefore should be withdrawn

It might’ve passed muster if the slaves were beaten and despondent and dreaming of Africa and shitting in Washington’s cake when he wasn’t looking. The author of the book noted that Washington’s slaves, while slaves, considered themselves pretty lucky to have an A-list master and in the least would’ve been all smiles around their boss and made him plenty of super fucking amazing cakes. Kissing ass is nothing new. But fuck historical context and accuracy. The truth often sends the wrong message. Plus explaining shit to children is hard. When they burn Huck Finn in carbon neutral fires I’m moving into the woods. The Greatest Generation spawned a bunch of selfish fucks who deemed cowardice the apt response to mob censorship. You get none of my jerky.

(The book is still available from re-sellers on Amazon if you want to bring something to the compound to impress.)

Photo credit: Amazon/Scholastic/Ramin Gameshram, et al

Spike Lee Is Mad At The Oscars And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 18, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Spike Lee has his panties in a bunch about the Oscars being White as fuck again. So, he’s boycotting the ceremony. That will show them. A guy who hasn’t been relevant in 25 years isn’t coming to their celebrity circle jerk. Diversity problem solved.

He should throw a trash can through a pizza joint instead. (TMZ)

Claudia Romani’s purple thong makes my mouth water. (Last Men On Earth)

Want to see Emmy Rossum topless? You are in luck. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Olivia Wilde forgot her bra on the red carpet. (Popoholic)

Abbey Clancy’s ass is fucking breathtaking. (Drunken Stepfather)

Batshit crazy bitch Tila Tequila has a Gofundme site for new furniture. (Dlisted)

Thigh gaps are the best. (The Chive)

GQ Remains In the Closet

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 11:39 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Bikinis For GQ
GQ used to be more subtle in its emasculation like going with your girl to see Pitch Perfect because you claim it will get you laid or trying on silk shirts thinking it makes you look gangster. The gloves are off. The GQ editorial staff decided they couldn’t just show a Brazilian model in a bikini in their annual body issue so they added a soccer player topless on a scooter. I don’t care how many hot chicks Ronaldo bangs, he looks like the dude way to happy about same sex sleepover parties. It’s one thing to employ seminal male figures to model fashion. It’s another to feature a dude in a banana hammock grinning on your cover. One I can explain to my coworkers over drinks at happy hour. The latter has my parents lamenting having occasionally dressed me in my sisters hand me down semi-unisex sweaters. Quit signing me up for wilderness survival camps, dad. We’re all God’s children.

Photo Credit: GQ

Hayden Panettiere Dynamo Tits

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 10:57 AM

Hayden Panettiere Ginormous Bosoms For Critics Choice Awards
Hayden Panettiere suffered from the asymptomatic version of postpartum depression that caused her to spend much of this past November in rehab with other celebrities suffering from undiagnosed Lyme disease and sex addiction to really attractive female models. Panettiere got her mind right and her enormous fake tits chiropractically adjusted. She’s glowing again. In contrast, her Guatemalan nannies look exhausted. Panettiere showed up to the Critic’s Choice Awards in a dress that fashion commentators noted has a keyhole cutout in the front. That’s because they’re all gay and have never heard of stripper tit window. What’s your baby’s name again? Just kidding. I’m not sure that nipple tape is double sided.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sophia Abraham Seems Precocious

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 10:01 AM

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Farrah Abraham set up a social media account for her six year old daughter to prove that Facebook and Instagram are super concerned with nipples and not much else in terms of enforcing their TOS. Farrah and her daughter Sophia often re-post each other’s content, discuss their eyebrow waxings, and support each other in social media battles as puppet and master often do. There’s macabre photos of Sophia visiting her teen dad’s grave. He got out. She may not be so lucky.

Sophia’s contrived posts are as believable as if Bill Clinton suddenly Tweeted out how feminine and beguiling Hillary was in the sack. We’d call him liar and then vomit just because the subconscious is that powerful. Children should only be exploited to support your own pedestrian adult entertainment and reality career if you’re hoping to make a Maria Shriver Architects of Change panel. If this kid is removed to foster care where she’s only occasionally molested by an uncle who’s really just a close family friend who is always passing out candy, she’s likely to have a more serene childhood. Either way she ends up in porn at eighteen. This is how the sausage gets made. You were warned not to look.

Photo credit: ABC News/YouTube/FameFlynet

Maria Shriver Touts Kris Jenner As a Role Model for Women (VIDEO)

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 8:55 AM

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Maria Shriver seems like a nice enough person who lives in one wicked epoxied socialite bubble. It’s that old money thing where you care desperately for the less fortunate primarily as an intellectual process. You miss a lot of the nuance. Like how your horny HGH husband with the clown hair you no longer fuck is not going to bang a baby into the maid because he goes to church on Sundays. Or how Kris Jenner may engender ill feelings among real working moms when you tout her as a working mom with wisdom during one of your seminars for well-off women looking for shit to do on the weekends.

Shriver runs a series of talks called Architects of Change: The Conversation Series: Opening Hearts and Minds. Tons of secondary titling is a quick tipoff that something super boring is about to happen. Shriver announced a joint initiative wherein Kris Jenner will be holding workshops for struggling working women on how to use the domestic skills they already possess to improve their livelihoods. Jenner claims her own success in business came from seeing what talents she had in the home and applying them to an entrepreneurial venture. Like seeing her young daughters changing in their room with the shades up while neighbor boys masturbated outside. Bingo. We’re going to need a plastic surgeon and a money counter. Also, like a half dozen black dudes.

Shriver gushed on social media about her Kris Jenner session only to discover that most people outside her Westside bio-dome don’t believe Kris Jenner is a role model for anything but turning a dime on your daughters’ twats. She’s a master pimp, but that’s still a pimp. Tons of Shriver’s long time fans emphasized their disappointment. We expected more from an Architects of Change Conversation Series. Like never having to know it existed. You’re both worth in excess of a hundred million. Write a fucking check, you cheapskates.

Heather McDonald Shits on Chelsea Handler

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 7:45 AM

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Self-described comedian Heather McDonald went on the podcast of two super sympathetic guys to bitch about how Chelsea Handler dumped her without notice. This is when Handler called it quits at E! because there was nobody left to shtup for a raise. The unintended consequence of championing the hiring of more female executives in her time there.

McDonald was one of the minion of lesser known stand-ups Handler employed on her show to make herself appear comparatively funny. Only Handler could tell the tired Britney and Lindsay jokes her cravenly gay audience demanded. When Handler got her new show on Netflix, she failed to notify her underlings ostensibly because she didn’t want a half dozen broke-ass comedians begging for jobs. McDonald explains how she lived in constant fear of Handler while working on Chelsea Lately because Handler was a super tough boss. She made you work hard and was demanding and didn’t join in on birthday cake sing alongs for the staff. She sounds horrible. I’m glad nobody else in the world has a boss like that.

Chelsea Handler is a one-note, two tit, mediocre entertainer who has bullied her way to the top with spit and gumption and sex. That last part is the only thing admirable about her. That’s how you get ahead in a tough business. If you’re a linebacker, you injure opposing QB’s to get noticed. Don’t hate the player. But if you do, do so because she substituted knowing grins at the camera set to pre-recorded hoots for actual jokes. Comedy is hard, drinking is easier. When does this Netflix show start? I’ve missed Rob Kardashian.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Rowan Blanchard Sets Record For Youngest Coming Out

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 6:57 AM

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Somewhere in Beverly Hills there’s a P.R. maven pushing the shit out of this sexual fluidity meme for their young actress clients. You can’t go two cookie cutter teen TV stars without a speech about being gay, thinking they’re gay, having a gay experience at sleep away camp, or just wishing they had the inimitable honor to be gay. Rowan Blanchard is the star of Girl Meets World on Disney. It’s the reboot of Boy Meets World which made Disney a syndication fortune in the late 90′s. This chick is only fourteen but already putting deep thought into how her sexuality jibes with cultural zeitgeist.

In my life – only ever liked boys. However I personally don’t wanna label myself as straight, gay or whateva so I am not gonna give myself labels to stick with – just existing.

When pushed to choose sides on her Twitter account, Blanchard promptly labeled herself ‘queer’. Strong pronouncements about hating labels aren’t what they used to be.

Coming out as gay isn’t interesting any more even if you’re are gay. Coming out as gay when you’re straight just for pander points seems pretty fucking insulting. A minority of people worked super hard to convince a majority of people that they were born gay. It’s immutable. Like being black. When’s the last time you saw white people pretending to be black just to fit in? Strike that question.

This Disney TV star is only fourteen. She’s probably been molested since nine like her industry peers, but she shouldn’t be encouraged to open up a very public discussion about her sexuality. I might look at a stacked high school senior in a bikini with instinctive interest. I don’t want to hear an eighth grader talking about her preference for cock or pussy. Where’s the preacher dad from Seventh Heaven when you need him? What do you mean he’s jacking off in the corner? Let’s find that public relations honcho and kick her in the incontinent bladder.

Photo credit: FameFlynet