By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
Olive Garden recently offered a promotional pass where you get unlimited pasta, salad, and breadsticks for seven weeks for $100 dollars. They limited the number of passes sold to 1,000 at the pleading of the American Diabetes Association. Because we’re fucking awesomely in our bargain obesity and lousy with the math, all the passes sold out within a few hours. I wonder if most of these bargain bin pasta aficionados even knew you’d have to eat at Olive Garden once a week for the next seven weeks just to break even. Are you willing to hit the Garden twenty times in the next month and a half just to prove a point that you’re not sucker? That’s a lot of frozen Alfredo sauce passing through your colon like a cream pinwheel of razor blades. Any decent bachelor knows you can buy a loaf of sourdough at the store after 3pm for about two bucks, and enough pasta to fill your gut twice over for another two. We already know you’re not eating salad.
Olive Garden is responding to the intense demand and will be releasing more of these passes in the future, so if you know anyone who is struggling to remain overweight tell them to get on this immediately.
By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 7:07 AM
Lady Gaga posted some swimsuit pics to Instagram that were either normal amounts of unflattering or really fucking unflattering. Gaga received negative comments for a few in particular which sort of just portrayed herself the way she looked before binging on craft services. She took to her defense with an empowering message of self acceptance:
“So what if I got a belly sometimes, sometimes I don’t. There’s people starving in the world. #whocares”
Are you supposed to answer hashtags? Obviously, you care, under the whoever smelt it dealt it rule of reasoning. Also, the starving people of the world probably care that you’re double fisting Yoplaits while they’re feeding their kids tree bark and pretending it’s soy chicken.
Later Gaga couldn’t stop with just one nitwit piece of fat guilt tripping, so she threw in another platitude for dessert:
“#bodyrevolution Proud at any size, because the inside is what really counts, Plus, it’s all how you pose! just ask the supermodels!”
Now I’m just confused. If I were one of the Little Monsters, I wouldn’t know whether to cut my forearm or eat a ham sandwich. The last thing you want is one million unguided teen outcasts. It might be good for the pharmaceutical industry. Not so much for peace and tranquility at the piercing counter. Personally, I could care less if Lady Gaga is getting fat. It just makes it easier to catch up to her and tell her how much I hate her music.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 6:31 AM
Some guy has been showing up at a cemetery in New Mexico dressed as the Grim Reaper. It’s the type of thing you just don’t need after that tough hungover day at work where you decided you aren’t drinking for a while, leading you to immediately stop at the nearest tavern and chug Walker Black until you stumble out. It turns out the guy is either a frighteningly troubled child murderer or worse, some unemployed hipster. He calls himself The Light Wanderer and speaks in loosely cliched poetry, I would imagine in a solemn tone:
“There is a place where sleepers sleep and dreamers dream and patiently await. There’s nothing to be afraid of except those who seek to cause harm, pain, destruction.”
I’m sure the novelty will wear off. In the meantime, we might want to get someone from the highway patrol to stop the random Spanish speaking residents from creating cult of fear and mythology around the Grim Reaper that spreads like chupacabra tales. Before you know it, ten thousand people laden with beads will start lighting Guadalupe candles in the cemetery to appease the Light Wanderer. That’ll only encourage more bad poetry.
By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 6:02 AM
The knock on Chris Bosh has always been that he is too soft for the NBA paint. Bosh is countering his on court pussy reputation by releasing a line of neck ties. The genius idea of fancy expensive neck ties came to Bosh at 30,000 feet while sipping on a spritzer laced with regret:
“I was on the team plane after a game. I think we lost, and that’s when I get lost in my thoughts a little bit, so I was taking my mind off basketball and it just came to me — Mr. Nice Tie.”
I think about a lot of things when I feel like a loser. Once I got a leather jacket that made me look like a suburban douche and another time I was real close to pulling the trigger on a lip wring. That’s when you have to stay strong and ignore those destructive voices in your head, especially ones involving moving into the designer tie business. Mr Nice Tie’s website features some mundane quotes from Bosh which reinforce the idea that he’s about as exciting as shopping for ties:
“My go to outfit is always a suit, no crazy colors or prints, just simple and minimal, which is what I think looks best.”
Bosh went onto drop some more of his fascinating perspectives before hustling off to buy some high thread count cotton handkerchiefs in preparation the crying he will be doing in Miami’s upcoming season. The good news is that with a 50-loss season will come a ton of even more outstanding fashion forward projects. Chris Bosh isn’t soft for an NBA player, he’s hard for a tie designer.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
According to BlackAmericaWeb.com, my go-to source for completely unfounded news about the black community, Paris Jackson is pregnant at sixteen. Also just pregnant. According to an unnamed restaurant goer who might exist or might not exist:
“I saw her [Paris] at dinner and she twice made a toast drinking water instead of wine. That and the prominent stomach bulge got people talking.”
Considering she’s sixteen, the water and wine thing seems like some super fucking weak Sherlock Holmesing. But that stomach bulge. Whenever I see a teenaged girl with a paunch, I just assume they’re a statistic in the ever increasing number of knocked up teen girls. Sometimes they’re just fat or bloated and then I apologize later for not assuming so in the first place. Once in a while a dad will punch me.
I’d like to think Paris Jackson is smart enough not to get pregnant before she graduates continuation academy. She did try to off herself at fifteen, so she is rather precocious. Her father was a big proponent of safe sex, or at least paying off the parents of those kids with the wild penis in ass stories at Neverland Ranch pickup time. I hope it’s not true, the Paris part I mean. If she survives it to adulthood without any more scathing, she might just stand a chance of escaping her birthright. Though, realistically, she’s completely and totally doomed. Maybe she won’t read that last part.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
The only two times I pay attention to the phrase ‘former beauty pageant winner’ is when it’s followed by the word ‘topless’. I guess ‘shot into space’ I’d probably also click. ‘Shot into space topless’ I’d definitely click. I hate to objectify attractive women, it’s just really really hard not to. Kate Upton demanded she not be treated as a sex symbol only for us to discover she’s dancing naked and teasing Cy Young cock on camera in her apartment. I shouldn’t have seen that, but I did, now I can’t help but think about Kate Upton as a 5’9″ tall vagina. I’d like to believe that all attractive women aren’t spending their days fondling their tits in the shower and making out with their equally hot friends while shopping for lingerie, but I truly think they are. Sometimes all guys who drive Porsches do have small dicks. We wouldn’t call them baseless stereotypes if they weren’t true.
Photo Credit: Josh Ryan, Photographer
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?
Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.
By Jack September 09, 2014 @ 12:11 PM
Miley Cyrus has joined other talentless celebrities masquerading as visual artists. She has a an art show called “Dirty Hippie” at V Magazine’s offices in New York. It’s mostly crap like bongs and vibrators with other shit glued to it. Maybe that’s art, maybe it isn’t, I know I’m not touching it without a double wrap of latex gloves.
Check out Miley’s crappy sculptures. (Dlisted)
Jennifer Lopez in a leather dress is still pretty fucking hot. (Huffington Post)
Emily Ratjakowski loves to show off her tits, doesn’t she? (Popoholic)
This video of Abigail Ratchford at a photoshoot makes my wiener happy. (COED)
Remember Ashley Simpson? Here is her sideboob. (The Superficial)
Lily Allen in a bikini is a good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Jennifer Aniston wore a see-through dress and showed us all her nips. (Drunken Stepfather)