Roy Horn’s Magic Ran Out

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

Roy-Horn-the-Magician

I hate when you agree to masturbate for the boss while he spanks your ass and the next thing you know he’s urging you to take his dick in your maw . Such was the sad tale of sexual harassment faced by Omar Dominguez-Ramos. No, not that Dominguez-Ramos, you’re thinking of a different guy. This is the guy likely trying to extort a little seed money from the tiger-mauled half of Siegfried and Roy.

Dominguez-Ramos claims he was ‘assaulted’ by Roy Horn who asked to climb more rungs on the  homosexual favors ladder than he was willing to offer as part of his personal assistant job duties. Dominguez-Ramos claims he had made peace with the assault until somebody anonymously sent him a CD of him and Roy Horn going at it at work. Hmm, now who secretly could have been recording his private penis time sessions with Roy? Oh, I don’t know, maybe a jealous boyfriend who can make a fucking elephant disappear with magic! Dominguez-Ramos timed his latter day assault complaint with the end of the statute of limitations on any criminal proceedings, leaving him just the ability to sue for civil damages. Don’t assume just because a guy is jerking off for cash at the office that he’s not a thoughtful person.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Selena Gomez’s New Boobs Are Bittersweet

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 11:43 AM

Selena Gomez Goes Braless In New York
I can’t tell if she had implants or the elasticity of her top is making her commando boobs look bigger than before, but it seems pretty fucking haute couture to me. For those who don’t speak the romance languages, Haute couture is French for I show my tits off at parties you’re not invited to.

Selena had a broken-hearted girl collapse on social media this week apparently related to seeing her mini-Svengali spanking skanks on his Fourth of July booze cruise. She started posting sad videos of herself playing piano and posting photos of desolate landscapes with hopelessly emo captions:

Always said I was going to end up there, but I guess that’s where it was meant to end.

Holy Hello Kitty diary nonsense. I wish I spoke wallowing girl so I could translate that. The lesson here is even seemingly successful women make bad choices in men and it ruins them forever. That’s the lesson I’m taking away at least, you’re welcome to find your own. I bet mine goes over better at the angry women’s annual luncheon.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kelly Osbourne Seems to Be Doing Well

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 10:51 AM

Kelly Osbourne Falls And Flashes Panties Out With Her Boyfriend In London
When you tattoo the word ‘stories’ into your skull and start dating a dude with a beard it’s a sign that your fourth rehab probably isn’t holding. I guess there’s not much you can really do as parents and friends other than to tell Kelly to wear knickers for when she next falls down in the gutter outside a bar. Nobody ever had the decency to give Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan the same sagely advice. Kelly’s cute teen addictions are now about to turn thirty, the age at which face planting officially becomes passé. Unless you’re really attractive. So Kelly has three months to go.

Say, here’s a photo to keep around for when you have an inopportune boner:

Kelly-Osbourne-tongues-her-new-boyfriend-on-Instagram

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Instagram

Ashley Benson Topless in Maui

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 10:14 AM

Ashley Benson Topless On The Beach In Maui
I think Ashley Benson is still dating that dude Usher hired to teach Justin Bieber how to act smooth in public. Justin’s swagger coach. That’s not a response you want to get from your daughter when you ask her what her boyfriend does for a living. I’d rather hear he’s on prison furlough from raping small dogs or even that he’s a Congressman. Still, she’s got perfect tits so I’m prone to keep her on my Christmas card list. Her boyfriend will be taken care of when Bieber gets to the drunken Elvis gun play stage of his evolution about twelve to twenty-four months from now. Potshots will find the weak, ricochets will claim the unlucky.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Accused of Being Unfaithful! Perish the Thought

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 9:39 AM

Kim Kardashian Sits Next To Valentino Garavani At The Valentino Show During Paris Fashion Week
Here’s a good way to look guilty. Have your legal team flame your accuser with a scathing letter leaked to the public. Attorney Marty Singer has built his Hollywood reputation on quick-constructing Brazilian stadium walls around celebrities during times of scandal. Real scandal, perceived scandal, Schwarzenegger and Sheen scandal, it doesn’t matter. Kim Kardashian is his latest protectorate. She’s got some cash and a whole jelly jar full of smearables. Like Andrey Hicks who wrote an email to Perez Hilton claiming he plowed the fecund meadow that is Kim Kardashian when the two were in Monaco together with his then buddy Kris Humphries prior to their big fake 2011 E! wedding. Even though Hicks is currently in prison for swindling his hedge fund clients, people might assume he’s telling the truth because people might assume any guy who spent time with Kim has had sex with her.

Kim’s attorney fired off a nasty letter to Andrey in prison calling him a convicted thief, questioning his math grades at Harvard, and stating that Kim never had sex with his very mediocre sized dick that curves slightly to the right but has a cute little almost heart shaped birthmark on it that Kim thought was sweet. I guess the legal team could’ve done nothing and nobody would’ve cared. But Kim is a thrice married woman and honor is at stake. Though I’m pretty sure that’s Hicks’ honor. Of all the prison house confessions to make, I probably would’ve let this one go. I imagine ‘let’s go ass rape the dude who had sex with Kim Kardashian’ is one of the Family Feud top answers to things overheard in Andrey Hicks prison block.

(Note: the original story of Hicks’ email to Perez is now mysteriously deleted. I assume this post will suddenly go missing as well. Maybe me too. And North Dakota. And everybody who ever knew me. Keep your eyes to the North. Winter is coming)

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet

Chris Brown Violates Parole via Instagram

By Matt July 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

CBShoes

Chris Brown posted a photo to Instagram again confirming his gang affiliation with the Bloods. Even though Brown is happy to be allowed shoelaces again, the point of this photo was in the caption which read:

“It’s bool! I stand on my own two feet when life gets brazy!”

Bloods like to replace the letter B in words that start with C because they have the intellectual capacity of schoolgirls and pig Latin proved too difficult for many members. Brown likely struck up a kindling with the Piru Bloods after he beat the shit out of Rihanna, when every normal dude in America felt like kicking his ass. Just not enough to get shot. The Bloods let Brown play gangster in exchange for free advertising. Brown also sprayed Bloods graffiti on a wall in Hawaii, because the Four Seasons is a hotbed of street gang territorial disputes. I’m pretty certain repping a gang is a parole violation, but I’d rather the penal system look the other way and Brown just get shot in a drive by while performing community service because the orange vest is not a neutral gang color.

Don’t get me wrong, I hope he lives. Only a sick bastard roots for somebody else’s death. I’d settle for a relatively complicated splenectomy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rosie O’Donnell Teeing Herself Up for Big Fat Success

By Matt July 10, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Rosie

Rosie O’Donnell contract demands include the provision that no reality stars be named to fill the open co-host spots of The View. This could be Rosie playing into the stereotype that all reality stars are pill-popping wrecked fame whores with no rock bottom. Actually, that’s not a stereotype, it’s true. Rosie could also be trying to blackball Sarah Palin, who made the switch from VP candidate to reality TV star like she was never qualified to be the former. Palin did toss her own name into the hat this week for the open ‘white conservative slot left vacant by Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Rosie may also envision a smack talking Snooki or Teen Mom easily stealing her thunder. Rosie may be a tough dude, but she’s no idiot. She wants weak sister competition so she and her gay designer dragons retake the Dummy Throne.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Bull Gores Nerd, Nobody Cares

By Matt July 10, 2014 @ 5:46 AM

BillHillmann

American Bill Hillmann was hospitalized after being gored by a bull during the annual celebration of maliciously taunting big dumb animals in Pamplona, Spain. Hillmann is a self proclaimed expert and author on running with the bulls. He thinks of himself as a modern day Hemingway. The only difference is that Hemingway would have been wolfing down a breakfast burrito in a cafe at a safe distance and snorted at Hillmann being carted bloody off the street. When it comes to inherently dangerous local customs, I want my experts to be local themselves. A Spanish guy who stocks knitwear at the Madrid Forever 21 beats a pasty writer from Chicago who frequents poetry slams and drinks Stella. Hillmann suffered a nasty seven inch gash on his leg which I’m certain will be the subject of his next expert tome. If you’ve ever witnessed the running of the bulls, you know it’s impossible not to root for the bulls to gore the living shit out of the drunk dummies with the red handkerchiefs. Fighting a grizzly bear with a pocket knife is sport; cinching the testicles on bovine then stampeding them dumbly through city streets is sheer spectacle. Fuck, now I sound like PETA. Damn you, Bill Hilmmann. I hope you get tetanus.

Photo Credit: Twitter