Katie Holmes Ass Cheeks in Directorial Debut

By Lex August 12, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Katie Holmes Cheek Booty Dress For Filming All We Had
If you’ve been waiting for Katie Holmes to direct a movie about a desperate single mom, insightful tranny waitresses swapped into the traditional role of magical Negroes, and the fleecing of the working class in the subprime mortgage crisis of the late 2000′s, save up your dough for a ticket to All We Had. From a novel by a chick sculptor beloved by Oprah, the movie is set to be huge among up to seventeen women who’ve been waiting for a less compelling version of every Laura Dern movie in the 1990′s nobody ever saw. Katie was smart enough to put herself in tight showy outfits. It’s one thing to decry sexism inherent in female roles in the movies, it’s another thing to have nobody show up to your movie.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Joanna Krupa Baptized in a Bikini

By Lex August 12, 2015 @ 10:16 AM

Joanna Krupa Gets Baptized In A Neon Bikini
Joanna Krupa pilgrimed to the Jordan River in modern day Israel where private escorts of the bible were routinely baptized before wasting quickly thereafter from the various waterborne STDs. Krupa chose a neon bikini beneath her white shirt to ensure her spiritual cleansing would look killer hot. The Polish-American model vowed to be a better drunken reality TV housewife and only fuck her friends’ husbands when so loaded it couldn’t possibly be a sin. Come to Jesus. Document on Instagram. St. Peter doesn’t have basic cable.

Photo Credit: UWAGA!/Facebook

Breastfeeding Remains Super Natural

By Lex August 12, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

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There’s only one reason to post a photo of yourself breastfeeding two big ass boys simultaneously, one of whom is decidedly not even you own child. To get people to write deleterious comments about breastfeeding so you can cry ‘shaming’. Mama Bean, one of the many decidedly low skilled motherhood and parenting writers for HuffPo Fetish, posted this photo of her double jets breastfeeding friend Jessica then decried the shocking nature of the shocked respondents.

Breastfeeding my friend’s son came naturally to me. I started babysitting him when he was 5 months old and the first time she dropped him off to me I asked permission to nurse him, since I was already nursing my 3 month old. She responded with an enthusiastic yes, because he was having issues with the formula his previous sitter had been giving him. My friend struggled with breastfeeding in the beginning and succeeded for 9 months. She was always very happy that her son had the nutrition and comfort he needed while she was working. Being able to breastfeed her little boy has created a special bond between us all, a bond I will always cherish. — Jessica, the weird creepy mom in 4B

This is really all about you adults then, right? Planting your friend’s 18 month old on your tit and taking photos and inventing hashtags like #MilkSiblings? I’m guessing the kids didn’t ask for it. Sure, they clamor for your swollen tits. So would a couple 50-year old bikers off a long haul. There’s nothing inherently special about boys wanting to suckle on your breasts. It’s like fishing for retards with a Lite Brite clown face.

Mama Bean falls back on insisting how breastfeeding older children and children of your friends is completely nature in other parts of the world. By that, she means the third world where it’s done for primitive survival. Like drinking water out of rivers with dead Ebola bodies floating by. Or robbing USAID corn meal convoys to eat. The fact that malnourished tribeswomen in Malawi wet nurse communally is not any kind of organic stamp of approval in nations with indoor plumbing. You get some kind of Whole Foods white mother kick out of letting your son suck on your tit? Fine. Your friend wants to drop off her kid to tap your teat too. Fine. Just stop with the pictures. These kids are going to grow up someday and get their ass kicked for plenty of reasons related to what you’re doing now. Don’t make it worse by documenting it for the Internet.

Photo credit: Facebook

Ben Affleck And Nanny Disconnect

By Matt August 12, 2015 @ 8:20 AM

Afflecknanny

Ben Affleck is steadily denying he nailed his nanny while she appears to be milking the rumor for all it’s worth. Women love attention. Even if it’s in the form of dubious claims that you’re a home wrecker. People used to take pride in their job. Now they take pride in being fired for doing the one thing they’re no supposed to do at their job. It’s unclear how long this charade will last. Probably until Ouzounian runs out of outfits to walk to and from her car for no reason while the stupid paparazzi are camped outside her house in violation of Megan’s Law. Taking a private flight with a guy doesn’t mean something happened. Nine times out of ten it did but there’s always the chance he got drunk and passed out first. The point is it’s now obvious she definitely would. It’s the violation of trust that hurts. Also the visual of you being bent over an ottoman at 30,000 feet. But mostly it’s the trust. Pull the fire alarm.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kim Kardashian Still Naked, Finally Punished

By Matt August 12, 2015 @ 7:38 AM

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Kim Kardashian has been shilling some morning sickness pill in her vapid social media posts, leading the Food and Drug Administration to step in and tell her to stop doing it and also you’re spreading a new strain of syphilis to ISIS. It’s called the Geneva Convention. The posts are apparently in violation because they don’t mention the side effects of the drugs or of listening to Kim’s thoughts:

“I tried changing things about my lifestyle, like my diet, but nothing helped, so I talked to my doctor. He prescribed me #Diclegis, and I felt a lot better and most importantly, it’s been studied and there was no increased risk to the baby.”

When you’ve been mainlining rapper dick into your ass since your friend’s bat mitzvah days not a lot gets passed you. Kardashian’s bloodstream is literally Chiraq. Your average expectant mother might not be as lucky. Diclegis is manufactured by Canadian pharmaceutical company Duchesnay. If you think it’s safe for your child realize its spokeswoman is Kim Kardashian. Are you nauseous from the pregnancy or the Miami Diarrhea? We’ll give you the Magic Johnson special. That jizz is going straight to your glutes.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Geno Smith Jawing Off

By Matt August 12, 2015 @ 6:49 AM

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Failed experiment Geno Smith of the New York Jets will miss 6-10 weeks after his teammate broke his jaw in an argument stemming from a $600 plane ticket. Guys named Geno are never dependable. Teammate IK Enemkpali was immediately released from the team and will begin driving an Uber immediately. Apparently IK had paid for a plane ticket and limo for Smith to attend an event for a charity he runs dedicated to providing Cadillacs for struggling church pastors. Smith reportedly canceled on attending the event because a relative died. What a dick. The two argued about it and IK threw a punch. Smith didn’t swing back, but had he the punch would have been intercepted. He will now be replaced in the lineup by a much better player.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rita Ora Abandons Feminism

By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 10:42 AM

Rita Ora Topless Covered Glamour
Rita Ora is being accused of abandoning feminism because she collaborated with Chris Brown on her new single. It’s not clear that Rita Ora was a feminist in the first place, but the charge of abandoning feminism is still a handy go-to. Rather than apologize, Ora doubled down by comparing Chris Brown to the best of mankind:

I see how he treats his people and he’s a good person with a good heart and a lovely family.

Previously, Ora has mentioned how highly she thinks of Chris Brown and how she’s loved him on ‘many different levels’. I’m going to guess cock is one of those levels. Also financing and distribution support. An army of Brave Internet Warriors took to social media to decry the outrage, while an even larger army purchased her crappy single featuring Brown, allowing the major parties involved to buy awesome amounts of cocaine and fuck like rabbits in a two story penthouse at the Four Seasons. It’s hard to say who the winners and losers are here, unless you’re being honest.

Photo Credit: Glamour/Instagram

Kim Kardashian Pregnant, Naked, Alone

By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 10:03 AM

Kim Kardashian Sheer Top At Kylies Birthday
Kim Kardashian responded to imaginary critics of her pregnant body by posting naked photos of herself. It’s reflexive. The last time her mechanic told her she needed an oil change, she fucked seven guys at three different Jiffy Lubes. Jaime King cried and threatened to drive her newborn off a cliff. Kris Jenner distributed the nude pregnancy pictures to emirs in Dubai for a tribute contest. In the game of ridiculous whoring, the rules are pretty flimsy.

Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI