Selena Gomez Took It On the Chin

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:03 AM

Selena Gomez Braless Instagram
According to Hollywood Life, which somehow always receives the best completely anonymous sources, Selena Gomez is begging her new effeminate boyfriend not to watch the Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast because of all the nasty sex jokes made at her expense. Zedd, as he’s known in circle jerk parlance, has vowed to honor his lady’s request and support her one-hundred percent. That seems aggressive, but practical. Her vagina alone makes him somewhat queasy. Jokes about her snatch will only send him back to reprogramming camp for another extended session.

Among the other shitty features of the highly staged Comedy Central ratings whoring was the repeated belittling of Selena Gomez who wasn’t even present to defend herself with professionally written comebacks. That’s just poor roast form. Losing your virginity to Justin Bieber ought to be punishment enough for one lifetime. If Charles Manson were fucked by Bieber, I’d petition to let him free too. I stand with Selena. And Zedd. Though slightly closer to Selena in case anybody’s taking incriminating pictures.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Nick Cannon Seems Fortunate

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

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It’s unclear what Nick Cannon does well outside of boning the right women. That might just be enough in this age of gender equality. Nick Cannon is currently nailing Jessica White, the SI model with nice yabbos. Cannon has publicly denied he’s seeing anybody, because his suitcase full of Mariah Carey divorce cash has yet to be delivered. Also, he’s super busy:

I’m not dating anyone . . . I don’t have time . . . I’m trying to focus on being the best father I can possibly be, and business, we have so many things, from the book to my philanthropic efforts to all the shows and movies I’m producing.

I suppose by ‘we’ he means himself and somebody who’s actually doing those other things. Nick Cannon seems to mostly DJ and bang chicks way above his natural rank. You can’t blame a man tapped with the lucky stick for taking full advantage of his situation. It’d be admirable if he’d just lose the mustache. That’s just gloating.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Bullet Magazine

Dolce And Gabbana Pro Gang Bang

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 8:09 AM

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Still reeling from their anti in-vitro proclamation, Dolce and Gabbana are facing criticism from people who think their new billboard is promoting gang bangs. The ad shows a gay guy looking at a chick like she’s a ceiling fan while three other dudes stand around and fantasize about shopping. Fashion publicist Kelly Cutrone was among the loudest voice of those to make the presumptuous leap that this was a simulated gang bang:

“I literally was in shock. I thought, ‘Holy fuck, these guys are crazy. These guys are against IVF, but they are for gang bangs.”

Kelly obviously skipped computer class so let me help her. Those dudes are copy and pasted. I’m not sure D&G is promoting gang bangs so much as trying to stuff theirs ads with as much sausage as possible. People do sometimes enjoy gang bangs. It’s not for me because I’d rather see an open jar marked Ebola than another dude’s dick when I’m getting it on with a lady. Plus I can’t fuck right in high tops.

The fashion industry is rife with ads featuring androgynous folks dry humping each other or smacking each other with saddle gear. I’m not judging them. Nor am I disapproving of the chick who likes getting railed on the pool table at frat parties. Maybe it’s not for you, but if it’s happening enough that you get the reference we might chalk it up to human behavior. Of course feminists are only accepting of the things they’re into and everyone else is an offender. Look for D&G’s next ad to feature two chicks spooning in a cabin while hand feeding each other Activia. The list of acceptable practices is getting smaller by the minute.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Photographer Bastardizes Porn Stars

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

PS

Photographer Roger Kisby has a new series called “Head” in which he rounded up a bunch of porn stars and took yearbook photos of them while cropping out their nipples because he’s an art school twat who dry humps the futon. The result is a boring click through of enough sevens to bring down Vegas. Kisby explained his ingenious approach to ruining things:

“That was kind of challenge, how to shoot them in a way that not necessarily hasn’t been done before… These are people who are photographed constantly. How do I make something a little more genuine and authentic?”

You don’t. You provide them a goody bag of pills and hundreds and watch them jizz all over each other. I don’t need to see a chick’s headshot if I can easily find an HD video of her pounding her puss with a Louisville. Pandering to porn stars isn’t going to get you in their britches, Kisby. People who watch porn don’t care about this. Neither do people who don’t. That leaves you and the guy who jacks off with oven mitts. Did you hear that ring? It’s the Sears Portrait Studio. Answer it.

Photo Credit: RogerKisby.com

Ashley Judd Hands Feeds Trolls

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Ashley Judd is suing a bunch of Internet trolls who called her a whore and a cunt and told her to suck dicks on Twitter because she doesn’t know how to hit ignore and she thinks Curt Schilling is a hero. Judd was watching NCAA basketball because she is a Kentucky fan and clearly has lots of time on her hands to watch entire conference tournaments and sue people’s Twitter handles. She tweeted:

“Arkansas is playing dirty”

What followed was the aforementioned trolling because that’s what happens on Twitter because it’s a den of mean losers. Judd is pushing ahead full force:

“The amount of gender violence that I experienced is absolutely extraordinary… A significant part of my day today will be spent filing police reports at home about gender violence that’s directed at me on social media.”

Stop the missing person’s search, let’s get the True Detectives on Judd’s social media page. It sucks people call you names and make generic threats on Twitter. If you’re a woman they’ll indeed focus on that. Same if you’re black or Mexican or even one of those fake accounts that pictures a cocker spaniel. At best you’re wasting the cops’ time and at worst you’re giving these losers validation. Twitter sucks by the way. Block yourself.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Jaime King Watered Down Shit

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:35 AM

Fiji

Pregnant blowhard actress Jaime King went on an Instagram rant about the evils of Fiji brand water in which she failed to mention herself as part of the problem since another photo on her account shows she totes it around with her:

“I’m sure the people of Fiji would like Fiji water too but unfortunately they can’t have any because some big business decided that they now own the water in Fiji. But hey ho, keep paying top dollar for those bottles of water, as long as oppression is it on your door step, am i right?”

Ironically King appears to disapprove of the ignorant douchebags who are mean or dumb enough to buy Fiji water. Either that or she’s in favor of oppressing natives and is talking with her pocket book. The masses should indeed avoid Fiji while King pours it into her jacuzzi and flushes her taint with it. King continued her self righteous bullshit which could be heard well into the night on that floating plastic island in the Pacific she sheds tears over:

“Oppression is not at my doorstep… (Ironically, I grew up with my father taking care of the tenements and section 8 housing, collecting quarters out of washing machines and cleaning broken toilets) there are many forms of oppression. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and beyond. These things are immeasurable as they are relative to one’s life experiences.”

Tell me to save gas and fly on a private jet. Cry about the dolphins and pop a can of Bumble Bee. If you were a dude you’d have no friends. The indigenous people are thirsty. Row over there in a long boat and bring them their water back, you righteous twat.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jude Law Spreading His Seed

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:08 AM

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Single actor and master cocksman Jude Law just had his fifth child with the third different woman. Law’s 23 year old ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding just gave birth. It’s unknown if Law cancelled drinks to hit up the hospital for a fly by daddy loves you. Harding also goes by Cat Cavelli and is an aspiring singer who just dilated her way into a shit load of room and board. Law now considers her past her prime and will continue pestering his teenage children to bring their hot female friends and swim teachers over. It’s a crazy world when you get paid to smirk. Maybe they’ll be your waiter someday.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kylie And Kendall Get A Video Game And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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In another sign of the apocalypse, Kylie and Kendall Jenner are getting their own insipid video game. Their slutty sister Kim Kardashian’s game made millions of dollars because people are super stupid and downloaded it. I wonder if the goal is to get to the STD clinic before a big date with Tyga.

Read all about this stupid fucking game. (Huffington Post)

Enjoy these pics of girls with huge titties because it’s a Tuesday. (The Chive)

What are the best chests of Instagram so far this year? (COED)

Coco Baudelle’s naked ass is out of control. (Egotastic)

Scott Disick goes to rehab because he’s a fucking drunk. (TMZ)

Celebrate St. Patty’s day with Irish hottie Rosalind Lipsett’s swinging shamrocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Hollywood Tuna)