Ronda Rousey Not Walmart Material

By Matt April 06, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


Walmart is refusing to sell Ronda Rousey’s new book My Fight/Your Fight because they have deemed her occupation too violent. It should be noted Walmart sells a shit load of guns, ammo, and longbows, all of which are more dangerous than Ronda Rousey not on her period. They also sell fighting gear including Randy Couture’s MMA Training Set. Seems like a double standard. Walmart believes a woman has no place in an octagon and should instead sit in a house dress all day spoon feeding mayonnaise into her mouth and swatting away her children with a freshly purchased bug zapper. The book’s press release states it isn’t even about fighting, but inspiring people to do better by themselves which might start by avoiding Walmart:

“Through my journey to become the greatest fighter in the cage, I learned the concepts to conquer every battle outside of it. Hopefully readers can learn the same lessons I did — without having to take as many punches in the face.”

Isn’t Saving Private Ryan violent? It’s not the content, it’s the message. Backwards thinking like this is why sales of my porno based on overfishing are slow. If Walmart finds this offensive they should take a look at their clientele. Cage fighting might help you squeeze into some XL generic Adidas pants. If a few people are rendered unable to procreate so be it. You can always pick up a stray baby near the juice aisle.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Naked Artist Definitely Naked

By Matt April 06, 2015 @ 7:04 AM


Argentinian artist Paula Brindisi is working on a project where she walks around naked in public and has someone take pictures of her. This was never on those what career am I suited for tests growing up because who would choose secretary over showing your muff to the ice cream man? Brindisi has a longwinded bullshit spiel illuminating her heroism:

“It picks up the reactions that people have when seeing someone naked doing the same things as people wearing clothes.”

Like a toddler tugging on his mother’s leg and asking if that’s where babies come from or a hapless thirteen year old uncontrollably humping a bag of plantain chips in the grocery aisle. Get that on camera and we’ll talk art. For now you’re just a chick who gets off on showing strangers your junk. I’ll have to check with the crusty unemployed half lesbians at the coffee shop but I think it’s okay to look without being labeled a rapist. Nice glutes.

Photo Credit: Urbanudismo/PaulaBrindisi 

Katy Perry Gives Out Her Phone Number

By Matt April 06, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Katy Perry had to change her phone number after she posted an annoying video of her dog on Instagram. Turns out the dog’s tag had Perry’s phone number on it and her fans are dangerous creeps with control shift plus command control. Perry’s phone was flooded with calls from poor area codes so she knew something was up. Perry admits her assistant takes care of the dog so it’s weird she would want her own number on the tag. Sorry I’m in Brunai sucking the Sultan’s dick what’s the problem? Just scrape him off the radiator I’ll order another one. There’s a powerful lesson here ladies. Nobody gives a shit about your dog. When you show us the silly faces he’s making we’re just wondering how to broach locking him in the bathroom while we try and fuck you. Hence your stupid videos appease nobody and people are just mining them for a nipple slip or landmark. Fuck, marry, kill. You got them all covered.

Kelly Clarkson Sensing A Pattern

By Matt April 06, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Overweight women are angry at Mike Wallace after he said Kelly Clarkson “could stay off the deep dish pizza for a while.” This is a moronic statement on the part of Wallace. How does he know she’s eating deep dish pizza. Maybe she’s just chugging lard. Whatever the caloric source it’s plentiful and Clarkson is clinically obese so remarking on this seems like fat shaming the same way stating it’s hot outside is a slap in the face to people at the beach. Wallace’s comment comes a week after radio host Mike Gallagher noted that Clarkson “blew up” and then chortled to himself. If a lot of people are noticing you’re fat, perhaps you’re fat. Clarkson meanwhile sought to remind Ellen DeGeneres she often meets chicks fatter than her: 

”I think what hurts my feelings… is that I’ll have a meet and greet after the show and a girl who is, like, bigger than me will be in the meet and greet and be like, ‘wow, if they think you’re big, I must be so fat to them.’”

The last thing we can have in this country is diabetes ridden over stuffed lazy teenage girls feeling bad about themselves. Call Dominos and ask them to suggest something. The facts can wait. See you at your bedridden quinceanera. Sometimes a little shame is healthy, at least compared to a little arteriosclerosis.

Photo Credit: KCFCGermany4/Youtube 

Khloe Kardashian, Friend to the Friendless

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 1:13 PM


No matter how many times they run Khloe Kardashian through media training camp, she can’t pick up the smile and wave response protocol. It’s why the gossip reporters go after Khloe to comment on her semen coated family. She doesn’t give a particularly intelligent response, but she always feels compelled to say something reflexively simpleton about haters. As she did when asked about Jamie Foxx’s jokes on Bruce Jenner becoming a tranny at the iHeart Radio Awards:

I just think it’s a low blow. I think it’s very mean, but you know, I wish him all the best. It is what it is. I just think — and I know Jamie, so I think that’s also why that’s a really low blow, but hey. Guess that’s what he felt the need to do for a little press.

I agree with the Big One that the tranny jokes were out of place, especially when Bruce Jenner killed a woman a few weeks back and nobody in the media seemed to particularly care. Dick jokes are probably mildly funnier than dead old lady jokes but at least the family of the dead woman could’ve expressed outrage on Twitter. Until Khloe ate them. Every last fucking one of them. Defender of the realm.

Photo credit: Getty Images

January Jones Bangs The Last Man On Earth And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 03, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Will Forte is currently getting into a nice bit of January Jones. When those primetime series paychecks start rolling in, so does a better class of women. Or perhaps it’s entirely unrelated. Am I right dude from Lost who had every single woman in the world for five seasons?

Read all about this lovely couple. (The Superficial)

Jessica Alba looks hot in bikini photos. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian shows off why she’s famous in Spandex. (Egotastic)

Kristin Cavallari wears a slutty tiny bikini to the beach with her kids, like you do. (Huffington Post)

Sara Sampaio in a bikini makes my wiener happy. (Drunken Stepfather)

Michaela Schaefer is a whore rabbit for Jesus. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daniela Lopez Osorio is muy caliente in bikinis. (Popoholic)

Rachel Hilbert Topless, It’s Black and White, It’s Art, STFU

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 11:53 AM

Rachel Hilbert Black And White Topless Shoot By Elliston Lutz
Some days the Muses don’t visit. God provides in other ways. Tits help. Jesus went up on the cross a couple thousand years back so the party down here could keep rolling. That’s my interpretation. I know those self-flagellating dudes in the Philippines lugging crosses every Good Friday have a different one.

Somebody once accused me of posting pictures of topless models when I’m too tired to do real work. I’m surprised more people haven’t made the same accusation. It’s entirely true. Live with photos of a Victoria’s Secret model topless. Tough it out. Nobody’s asking you to go full stigmata.

Photo Credit: Elliston Lutz

Daisy Lowe Topless

By Lex April 03, 2015 @ 11:34 AM

TGIF Daisy Lowe Topless For Ponystep Magazine Catherine Servel
This is better, England. Gavin Rossdale’s bastard daughter knows how to properly teach father a lesson. You ditched me, now your friends are wanking to my knockers. It’s a square deal almost perfect in its balance. If the rest of the world could strive for such equilibrium in all their revenge exploits, we’d be a much happier place. I’m talking to you, angry Hoosiers and Cali drug cartels. Let’s keep this shit to an eye for an eye. Unless you’ve got outstanding tits, then substitute accordingly.

Photo Credit: Ponystep Magazine