Doctor Kanye And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kanye West received an honorary PhD from the Art Institute of Chicago which I’m pretty sure he created and funded a couple weeks ago just in time to give him an honorary degree. I’d laugh and say how this is hardly Harvard, but those fuckers will probably give him one too. Everybody wants a little taste of rap money endowments.

I bet Kanye starts calling himself doctor. (Huffington Post)

Caya Hefner has more underboob than most girls have regular boobs. (Egotastic)

Amy Schumer has quite the tramp stamp. Figures. (TMZ)

Alessandra Ambrosio wears a bikini just for you. (Drunken Stepfather)

Camilla Luddington hits the red carpet in basically a tube top. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicole Scherzinger shows some serious sideboob. (Popoholic)

These are some nerdy fangirls I’d like to plow. (The Chive)

Blac Chyna Wants Her Baby

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Blac Chyna Fights For Full Custody
Blac Chyna intends to fight for full custody of her two year old son with Tyga. Through her attorney Black Chyna claims the child needs to be living full time with just one parent since he’s about to enter school and learn the cruel gift genetics bestows upon kids with two extraordinarily stupid parents. Black Chyna claims her ex-boyfriend isn’t fit to be the primary parent since he likes to stay out all night, smoke hella dope, and fuck underaged girls. In contrast, Black Chyna clearly doesn’t do the latter. Chyna also wants child support from Tyga to keep her in the lifestyle she’s accustomed to. Which is either a condo in Calabasas or a refrigerator box in an alley depending if you go back more than two years. As usual, the only winner in this case will be the sick child who receives this toddler’s healthy liver after he’s forgotten in the tub for three days in or around the MTV Video Awards. Life is cruel, not that comment.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Nude in Just Body Paint (VIDEO)

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 10:37 AM

Kim Kardashian Poses In Just Body Paint
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.

Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!

This Dude Is Getting Some Jackson

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 9:40 AM

Paris Jackson Social Media PDA With Her Boyfriend Chester Castellaw

Nailing Jacko’s daughter is a pretty nice score. She in no way resembles Michael Jackson which means you don’t have to drive McCauley Caulkin’s dilated anal face out of your mind while straddling her. This dude Chester Castellaw is listed as a Beverly Hills born and bred kid who plays professional junior league soccer. There shouldn’t be such a thing, but there is, and it’s a good enough placeholder to get you Paris Jackson naked in the evenings. Castellaw is posting tons of pictures of himself pawing Jackson with leading captions such as ‘Amazing weekend!’. I’d rip on the kid for humility but were I him I’d already have a tell-all book out with illustrative inserts and an album of songs dedicated to what it feels like to be inside Michael Jackson’s daughter’s moist parts. Chivalry is overrated. Make your dick famous and you’ll live forever.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rachel Hilbert Topless

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Rachel Hilbert Topless Peek Tyler Kandel

Topless photos in black and white are what is commonly referred to as art. Photographers have been using this ruse for generations to get girls to take off their clothes for what is necessarily important work. No, these aren’t titty shots, this is black and white. Now shut up and look wistful to match your monochrome nipples. There’s no way my camera can save these in color. Be sure to grab a Diet Sprite on your way out.

Photo Credit: Tyler Kandel

Kendall Jenner In A Bikini

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 8:40 AM

Kendall Jenner In A Bikini
From the looks of her mid-Tuesday social media shares, Kendall Jenner is in school just like her sister. This would be some college, home schooled by Cervantes, the foreign-born meister responsible for the academic upbringing of the Kardashians. He also scores them diet pills. He’s the guy behind the guy who’s fucking all the girls. Purell and Diet Rockstar are thrice more effective than morning after pills, but somebody has to hold the funnel steady through the screams. When the kids look back on their formative whoring years, they’ll remember Cervantes fondly. You never forget that one teacher who was too gay to try and get some.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram

Nail Salons Surprisingly Not Worker Friendly

By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

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It turns out those nail salons where hobbled Asian girls scrape toe fungus with formaldehyde towelettes are not worker friendly. Governor Cuomo and the State of New York are cracking down on mani-pedi shops because the disposed bodies of the dead workers are reversing the flow of the East River. Also, the New York Times wrote an investigative piece that made the politicians look like they don’t give a shit about immigrant laborers spitting up their lung lining. The posh ladies who frequent nail salons took to social media to decry the harsh working conditions of their slaves and hope nobody asks how long they’ve been accepting foot baths from illegals making a buck twenty an hour. Muckraking ruins everything. So does pretending nail salons aren’t just happy ending parlors for women. Either way the working girls need some protection from the splatter. The measure of the decency of a society is how they treat their young Thai girls.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Coutney Stodden Sex Tape Will Save Lives

By Matt May 12, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

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After consulting her family pastor and her ATM machine, Courtney Stodden has chose to allow Vivid to distribute a video of herself masturbating with a toilet brush. Stodden claims she never wanted the video released even though she shopped it around to a handful of porn companies and an end cap filler for Smart and Final. Stodden claims a male friend stole the tape:

“[He] made it clear that he will stop at nothing to double cross me… I’ve been painted into a corner.”

Yes we all know the situation. Someone commits sex crimes and grand larceny but conveniently you forget the number to 911. Stodden claims she will donate the four hundred dollars raised by this video to charities, including animal rights and “Children with Cancer” which I’ve never heard of but their public relations team sucks. Leave the children out of it. This toilet brush smells especially toilet.

Photo Credit: Instagram