Tila Tequila Needs A Fucking Sofa

By Lex January 17, 2016 @ 9:43 PM

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Timeshares used to be the standard by which you could measure people’s fondness for really shitty investments. Now it’s buying a divan for Tila Tequila while she plans the earth’s defense against reptilian alien invaders. The former MySpace star turned porn star turned Messianic fan of the Third Reich got strangers to buy furniture for her new apartment on GoFundMe. Now who’s the stupid crazy one?

I have zero pride or ego when it comes to taking care of my daughter because this is what real good mother’s do.

Actually, really good mothers save their sex on camera money for a rainy day. And a crib so their daughter doesn’t have to sleep in a nest of styrofoam packing inserts from your replica Hitler statues. It’s hard to criticize a whore for begging when people with poor decision making skills keep tossing nickels into her vagina. Tequila has promised to call and personally thank every person who donated. When you assumed the $50 GoFundMe donor prize of ‘oral service’ was a blow job. There’s one of you born every minute.

Hugh Hefner Is Your Diapered Tenant and Fat Lingerie Models Taking Over On Last Men on Earth Podcast #30 (AUDIO)

By Lex January 16, 2016 @ 12:22 PM

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Contrary to popular opinion, Matt and I did not gay divorce over the holidays. I’m not sure that’s even Constitutional. Meanwhile, outspoken and righteous celebrities continued to take paychecks to perform for dictators and Sean Penn traveled to the darkest Mexican jungle to stroke El Chapo’s cigarette. 2016 seems about the same.

In this week’s podcast we discuss what it might be like have Hugh Hefner wandering around your newly bought home in a diaper, why Lawrence Phillips was allowed to beat up so many women before being given an exit bag, and if maybe not everybody who claimed to love David Bowie really did love him silently for so many years. Starman waiting in the sky. Or ground. Facebook post it with a sad face.

Be sure to follow the show on TwitterFacebook, and on the LastMenonEarth.com. Also hit us up on iTunes

Tera Wray Has Wrapped

By Lex January 15, 2016 @ 12:52 PM

Tera Wray Round Up
The ballad of Tera Wray may never be sung. Her Static-X front man husband died last year from accidentally consuming seventeen thousand prescription pain pills. Now supernova porn star Tera Nova has followed. She was found yesterday in her apartment a day or so after offing herself. You want to maybe think about doing it the day the cleaning lady is set to come or the rent is past due so you don’t get too ripe.

Wray was a massive star in the world of adult entertainment six or seven years ago when she got a gig writhing around in a cage for Ozzfest and met her husband. It was love at first site when he realized she could remove both his condoms using just her trained sphincter muscle. May no man put that asunder. Static convinced her to get out of porn and into something healthier like narcotics. It worked well for a while. The outcome rate for porn stars is pretty shitty. It’s like retired football players, once you stop seeing them on your screen it’s more comforting just to assume your parents took them to live on a farm.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Terry Richardson Rutting Pays Off And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 15, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Terry Richardson is having twins with the lovely cum dumpster Alexandra “Skinny” Bolotow. They had a baby shower where they gave out condoms with pictures of their ultrasound and dick pops. I hope child protective services is staffing up for all the upcoming paperwork.

Seriously, who let this perv reproduce? (Dlisted)

Toni Garrn wears a tiny bikini because she can. (Last Men On Earth)

Suki Waterhouse is topless and other tit-related treats. (Egotastic All-Stars)

El Chapo got his dick surgically fixed while out on the lam. How shitty are the Mexican police? (TMZ)

Olivia Munn is all about that cleavage. (Popoholic)

Behold Sarah Pavan’s hairy squeeter. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hot girls taking half-naked selfies. (The Chive)

Picabo Street Pushed Her Dad Down the Stairs

By Lex January 15, 2016 @ 11:37 AM

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Picabo Street who was a major star in women’s sports so you’ve never had remembered her except for her sweet ass name pushed her 76-year old dad down two flights of stairs then locked him in the basement. One of those two things is illegal super illegal. Additional charges applied because she rolled her old man in front of her children, which is considered a flagrant foul in Utah. Versus alerting them that they have different moms who happen to be sisters which is kosher. In a non-Jewish way.

Street was pissed off that her dad bumped her house with his car. I think we’ve all been there with older drivers. AARP political power means we’ll never be completely rid of senior drivers. but if the more visible among us start tossing more of them down the stairs after fender benders, we might see a decline. Yes, I’m aware the accelerator and brake are both pedals, but that’s where the comparison ends. Damn, I remember when you taught me how to ski. Let’s melt down my gold medal and get you some new teeth. You really fucked up my bannister, old man.

Are Those Boots?

By Lex January 15, 2016 @ 10:15 AM

Dalia Elliott Arm Bra LB
Blond models with perfectly cast breasts are so common in Hollywood it’s easy to forget just what perfect gifts they make for the man in your life. Were you thinking tie? A golfing gadget from that airline magazine? You’re just being lazy. Get your boyfriend or husband one of these for an hour and he will adore you forever. He’ll be the guy who feels obliged to write comments on celebrity break up stories about how he’s lucky to have a perfect wife. Oh, no, did you really just get him a set of grilling tools for his birthday? Yes, that’s your younger sister he’s meeting for sex. You don’t need to check his texts. You know it in your heart.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Zolciak Family Bikini Vacation

By Lex January 15, 2016 @ 9:05 AM

Kim Zolciak Family Vacation
Kim Zolciak went on vacation to re-stock photos of her tits and her teen daughters tits and an occasional peek at her husband who pays for all this shit while making plans to meet his lower maintenance girlfriend. They’re not his kids. Not the grown ones. And the sixteen little ones he’s plowed into this piece of work will have a decent NFL pension program to cover them after dad fakes his own death and moves to Peru. Every country in this world has good looking women. In the vast majority of them women willingly trade their need for ego gratification and jabbering for a comfortable existence. The nonstop to Lima leaves in four hours. Just enough time for a vasectomy and a Pepperidge Farm basket for the family you’re leaving behind. Spiral ham and dry biscuits solves everything. Say adios to crazy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Oscars Are Super White Again

By Lex January 15, 2016 @ 7:41 AM

White-Actress-Roundtable

A black activist invented the hashtag #OscarsSoWhite to signify how the vast majority of big Oscar nominations are going to white actors in white films. You know, white films, your default search category on Fandango. Inventing a hashtag is far simpler than penning an intelligent essay and gets you invited onto more talk shows. People who view everything through a racial prism lamented the fact that Straight Out of Compton wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, because the Academy usually nominates one black themed film they’ve never seen to keep people off their back. Last year was Selma. For whom shall Oprah cry?

The #OscarsSoWhite people suggest that white people in Hollywood feeling super guilty about their awesome privilege should admit more minority members to the Academy and for those members watch a more diverse array of films to potentially support. But the voters don’t even watch most of the films now as it is. It’s a volunteer thing. They watch the two or three everybody else is watching then just vote for what they hear is good, films their friends worked on, or films they think reflect well on the industry or are made by Spielberg. It’s lazy uninvolved tribalism. It’s also how we pick Presidents and our favorite sports teams.

You could get your own awards completely skewed by cultural and racial identity. Something like, I don’t know, the NAACP Image Awards. It’s big shit in Hollywood every February and it’s black only films and shows and actors nominated for every category. Will there be Cosby jokes? There will be none. Phylicia Rashad will win an award.

Black artists tend to work in the comedy and action genere, also known as the movies people actually go to see, and never ever get nominated. It sucks to only have to make tons of money. If you make a movie about a historical black figure or experience, you will get nominated. Rap groups don’t count. I hear the Rosa Parks bio pic is scheduled for 2019. Bet the house on whoever plays Rosa. This game isn’t that complicated. Quit shouting at it.

Photo credit: The Hollywood Reporter/Miller Mobley