Last year, Lisa Rinna confessed she wore adult diapers, this year that her husband maybe shouldn’t have worn a swastika on his Halloween costume. The two might be related. It’s hard to feel bladder secure when your man is homaging the Third Reich. Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna went out on Halloween night dressed as Sid and Nancy homaging the famous image of the two carefree heroin addicts where Sid’s wearing his Nazi emblem t-shirt. I guess you could say Sid Vicious got away with it, though died in his own drug asphyxiated puke at 21, so not super got away with it. This mostly speaks to why you need to tell your parents it’s too late to be shocking. You had your time, Harry Hamlin, and you spent much of it making late night Cinemax movies. It’s too late for punk. Focus on your wife’s fake tits and pretend the golden showers are actually optional.
Every media outlet is pushing their digital strategy because the phrase alone makes investors cum on their buy sheets. Fuck me, they’ve got a digital strategy. That’s eToys dollars. CBS announced they’re launching a premium digital access channel that will feature all their great shows you can’t name because you’re under 67.3 years of age and you can find your remote. For seven bucks a month you can mix in the entire library of Blue Bloods with your stool softener. There is no way your dad or grandpa is watching Criminal Minds on his tablet while wired in at the hookah bar.
CBS had to come up with something so they announced a brand new Star Trek TV series that will only be available on their new pay digital service. It’s not yet conceived or written, but it comes out in January 2017 and they own fucking Star Trek and Spock is dead. But in which universe? Good news for you, nerds. Bad news for Anthony LaPaglia who is currently starring on eleven CBS primetime cop dramas if he can’t book a Starfleet captain role on the new big thing. Is that Red from Orange if the New Black and Quantum Leap guy? I can afford this.
After clamor from absolutely nobody anywhere, an all female cast version of Ocean’s Eleven is in the works. This has nothing to do with George Clooney exec producing and lining up some easy millions in his pocket to help fund his wife’s ISIS support picnics. Or upping his feminist credentials, marred only by his fucking the shit out of fifty young women and dumping them when he got tired of their pussies. Or doing a huge solid for his good friend Sandra Bullock who could use a win. It’s about a commitment to cynically remake, reboot, or retool every previous successful movie ever because making new shit is too hard and making old shit again is a surer bet. The Ocean’s Eleven franchise is a re-do itself of the Ocean’s Eleven from 1960 where they intentionally put a black guy in so nobody in 2015 could do the all-black Ocean’s Eleven and call it novel. This is movie making in the manner of going back to fuck your old girlfriend. You still have her number because it’s comfortable and she doesn’t make you work hard. Now imagine your fucking Sandra Bullock. Now, gimme fourteen dollars, dummy, twenty if you want popcorn.
Girl beater and general douchebag Chris Brown has apparently gotten quite a sizzurp habit. I’ve never understood what’s gangsta about drinking cough syrup. That’s like when I was 8 and I’d sneak sips of Dimatap and I ain’t hood at all.
Reality show macho man and possible Grindr freak Mike Rowe publicly scolded Melissa Harris-Perry, who is apparently a real person and the host of a yellow bones black racist politics show on MSNBC. It’s okay to be racist when nobody is watching. I think that’s in their mission statement. Last week Melissa Harris Perry who has three names to show you she’s serious, chastised a guest for using the term ‘hard worker’ which she deemed a term that absolutely implied black slave labor. Which makes no sense at all unless you’ve got the weekend slot on MSNBC in between correctional facility lockup shows and infomercials for iron fortified edible douches.
On his personal website, Mike Rowe reminded Harris-Perry that slavery is by definition not work, it’s forced labor. Then he went on to politely tell her to shut the fuck up and whole bunch of other pile-on shit because he had Harris-Perry on the ropes of stupid. Why not keep punching her in her humorless ethnic studies maw. Mike Rowe is slowly becoming the voice of the swinging dick in a room full of political correct media pussies who would otherwise let misinformation and unsupported emotional conjecture stand as fact simply because Harris-Perry is black and can’t be corrected about slavery. Fuck that. You’ve just been Dirty Jobbed, Harris-Perry.
Writer director Angelina Jolie is surpassed in horror only by oncologist clairvoyant Angelina Jolie. I might have that reversed. I could finally finish my Psych 101 paper requirements watching Angelina pre-cog her breasts and uterus out of her body. I see no redeeming value in a movie starring Jolie and her go-along to get-along husband about an artistic American couple living in the South of France struggling with their marriage. And not just because in real life she and Brad Pitt are an artistic American couple living in the south of France struggling with their marriage. Though that’s a good part of it.
It’s finally time to pity Brad Pitt. It’s tough enough when you have to smile politely at your wife’s freshly thrown pottery glazed in her backyard workshop. Taking four months to carefully act out the most annoying parts of your relationship in 70′s costumes has to be super fucking painful. She’s behind the camera. She knows you’re faking it. I will wrap your mouth in my last fallopian tube and smother you to death, asshole. Now act!
I’m pretty sure insipid British morning talk shows are more informative than their American counterparts. Kathy Lee and Hoda aren’t having a young woman on their hag klatch to touch her own tits while they look on approvingly. Kathy and Hoda aren’t even real people. You’re just imagining them because of terrible shit your uncle did to you as a child. You can’t care for other tits until you’ve cared for your own. What do you mean Breast Cancer Awareness Month is over? Stop being NFL. Keep rubbing. I’m almost finished.
Halloween is supposed to be the happiest drunkest place on earth. But sometimes being young and beautiful and affording the expensive tampons just isn’t enough. Aw, Petunia, you’ve got yourself a case of the miserables. It was hard not to notice how many chicks looked absolutely miserable at the Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party. Jessica Alba, buck the fuck up, you’re a diaper billionaire with perfect tits. Suki Waterhouse, who the fuck sunk your battleship? You need to self-deport. The rest of you, the kitty cat, the fat one, I don’t know who you all are, but keep the battered wife faces at home. This is Halloween. Normal people are trying to get loaded and cop some cheap feels. Quit ruining everything.