Kylie Jenner A Chip Off the Old Titty Block

By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Kylie Jenner Wears Bra Top While She Launches Her New Hair Extension Line In LA
If you’re going for the passed around the reef mermaid look, you could do worse than Kylie Jenner’s new hair extension line. Kylie stood next to her sister Kim with every indicator of a twinsies moment save for Kylie hoisting a Cali license plate I2WHORE. Outside of cancer patients and background dancers for Christina Aguilera, I’m not sure why hair extensions exist. I understand tit jobs, but I’m not sure many rich dudes are looking at artificial hair and thinking, fuck, I’d like to empty my back account for that long tressed babe. If only Kylie had stuck with school past the seventh grade. She could at least have a working knowledge of how her mother was misappropriating her paychecks.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

The Osbournes Coming Back To MTV

By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 9:34 AM

OZ

Sharon Osbourne announced she and her shockingly still alive husband will be reprising The Osbournes for an eight episode run on MTV. They probably don’t need the money so this is more of a legacy project, like how Ted Bundy killed that extra hooker because he felt he owed it to people. Sharon says part of the reason for the reboot is Ozzy can’t remember the original series since he was drunk the whole time, which is code for sober and brain damaged. The show will mostly focus on Ozzy but should feature some drop ins from his kids who will be crying in their Uber after. The Osbournes originally garnered huge ratings on MTV. The new show will probably perform under that since the reality industry has evolved to find even more fucked up people with drug and alcohol problems to laugh at. If you thought the original was uncomfortable this should make you burn your Sabbath records and attend AA meetings even though you only drink on your birthday.

Photo Credit: MTV

Mama June Lands On Bottom

By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 9:02 AM

June

Mama June has been having trouble explaining to her children that the guy who fathered one or more of them is a convicted child rapist named Mark McDaniel whom she has most likely been blowing while wearing Hello Kitty maternity gear. Her aptly named daughter Pumpkin was starting to get resentful of the whole story like most of America. Mama June decided to clear the air on Dr Phil’s show which was shrewd because his core audience consists of awfully stupid people who take that people in glass houses motto pretty seriously. That’s when she revealed Pumpkin’s father not to be McDaniel, but a totally separate convicted child sex offender who was busted on To Catch A Predator a few years ago.

Following this story is like eating a trail of shit that eventually leads you to a litter box. This is the box. Much like the universe is thought to collapse onto itself, Mama June has just inadvertently furthered humanity by forcing it to rebound against its own negative energy. Its time for us to move forward.

Photo Credit: Twitter

 

Fergie Relives Pissing On Herself (VIDEO)

By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 8:39 AM

Fergie opened up about that time she pissed all over herself onstage, either to generate promotion for her new album or because she was wasted and about to pee on herself again. There’s not really much to the story according to Fergie, she just really had to piss and didn’t have time before the show. Muscle relaxers or vaginal trauma were not involved:

“I’m running on and we jump and do Let’s Get It Started, and I get crazy and I jump and I run across the stage and my adrenaline was going and gosh… I wish it didn’t happen…It was so embarrassing!”

It would have been embarrassing in the car driving to Vegas with your girlfriends for a bachelorette party. Doing it to a packed house just means you’re mistaking your purpose in life. Let will.i.am sing the hook and take a leak on some cables backstage. With any luck you’ll short out the system and people will have the pleasure of listening to Prince on the PA while your band reflects on why they were forced by their label to make you a member.

Justin Bieber Wanted

By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 8:29 AM

JB

Some judge in Argentina is one of the only people this side of twelve who still wants to talk to Justin Bieber. A year ago his bodyguards roughed up a photographer outside of a club who was there to take photos of a dude from local television who dresses like a snail. Now Biebs is wanted for questioning. It has taken this long to summon him due to the Argentine legal system’s strict policy of daily six hour siestas consisting of cheese and egg dishes and their civilized and highly evolved sangria chugging contests. Bieber can return to face questioning at which point he will either be subjected to a yearlong prison sentence or become Argentina’s president depending on what FARC is up to. Or he can just forget about going back there forever like most people who visit do the following week. I’d take my chances. He’s already up to his knees is questionably legal pussy. Why not move to a country where you won’t be a midget and the age of consent is lower? Your shitty songs may garner you some quality poon, You’re already a pariah so go hog wild. Argentina really is just Canada South. Goodbye, Justin, you’ll be missed.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Emily Ratajkowski in Lingerie

By Lex November 13, 2014 @ 4:48 PM

Emily Ratajkowski Poses In Lingerie For Yamamay
I’m trying to expand my personal horizons such that I can appreciate a woman in lingerie as much as seeing her diddling herself in hacked photos. It’s a matter of personal growth. The thrill of being labeled a sex offender by Jennifer Lawrence and being asked to download a spam video player on a file sharing site gives the edge to the hacked photos. But there’s something special about seeing a woman get half naked for money. It reminds me of the early part of every evening that ever went horribly wrong.

Photo Credit: Yamamay

Taylor Swift’s Lack Of Booty And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Taylor-Swift-Leggy-Wearing-a-Black-Mini-Skirt-in-London-lb

Katy Perry’s current fuck buddy Diplo says he is going to start a Kickstarter campaign to buy Taylor Swift a booty. He has a point. I’ve seen bigger rears on toddlers. He’s also a short-sighted ass. You don’t mock a woman’s behind until you’re absolutely certain you have no chance at it.

Won’t you spare a dime for Taylor’s ass? (The Superficial)

Miley Cyrus might be giving Patrick Schwarzenegger the clap. (TMZ)

Julianne Hough in a crop top? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in lingerie is what I live for. (Hollywood Tuna)

Is it just me or is Kristen Stewart starting to look like Snarf from Thundercats? (Popoholic)

Richard Simmons is depressed an missing. Who will I sweat to the oldies with now? (Dlisted)

Sports Illustrated released pics of Kate Upton in her early days. (COED)

Lara Stone Got Your No Photoshopped Photos Right Here

By Lex November 13, 2014 @ 11:42 AM

Lara Stone Poses Nude Post Baby For Systems Magazine
I can’t believe people still bitch about the use of Photoshop in magazine photos. There’s no a single glossy photo published in the past several decades that hasn’t been touched up. So Kim Kardashian looks like a Crumb cartoon character merged with a storefront plastic sushi replica. There’s not a single Match.com profile as-is. Everybody’s doing it. Except for Lara Stone. Because she’s Dutch and she’s good looking and she just had a baby and she doesn’t give a shit about looking even better than good. Not compared to sticking it in the face of those requiring the clone stamp and blending blur. People who say women look better without airbrushing are the same clowns who say women look better without makeup because they’re trying to make some woman believe they’re sensitive and different from other guys. It’s all bullshit. Even the amateur porn MILFs all have bolt-on tits. Au natural died long before any of us were born.

Photo Credit: Systems Magazine