Jenny McCarthy Super Interesting

By Matt July 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy’s hair has turned pink, presumably as a side effect of a rubella vaccine she received at age seven. McCarthy appeared on The Today Show to talk about her shitty reality show with the less accomplished Wahlberg brother. I heard Mark allows him a free burger a day if he hunts down witnesses of his multiple hate crimes. Cheese is extra. When you don’t have much going for you besides actively working to spread epidemics which were stamped out at the turn of the last century it’s a good idea to change your hair. It’s a distraction and who doesn’t want to look like they’re part of David Bowie’s liner notes. Perhaps you’re confusing autism with people who don’t want to talk to you. I’ll rock back and forth in my chair if you shut the fuck up with your pseudo science spiel you gleaned from reading the back of a bottle of pressed juice. When your hair falls out that’s most likely from the astringent hair dye, not the mercury in your sushi. Stop encouraging this woman. Wasn’t Whoopi available?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Catcall Video Chick Sues The World

By Matt July 15, 2015 @ 6:36 AM

Roberts

Shoshana Roberts, the chick who proved all men are rapists because she power walked through the ghetto looking like she was about to commit sexual Jihad, is suing the video’s director as well as Hollaback! which is a group dedicated to ending street harassment in New York City. How a law barring strangers from speaking to one another could possibly be applied is beyond comprehension, unless you remember Nazi Germany with a fondness.

Roberts is also suing Google, Youtube, and TGI Friday’s because they made a parody video, which remains legal until the humorless hardline feminist movement is able to legislate daily kale enemas. Roberts apparently did not have a written agreement before shooting the video, which means this case will more than likely be promptly dismissed and she can blame the patriarchal judge for her amateur mistakes. She is apparently an aspiring actress who more than likely has always had a passion for suing production companies for unsafe working conditions. Nobody’s hollering at you now. Take your theater degree and walk the streets of Mecca in your Forever 21 bikini. No catcalls there. Just stones to the head. I know you don’t believe me. Prove me wrong.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Nicky Hilton Flashes Panties on Her Wedding Day

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 1:22 PM

Nicky Hilton Panty Peek On Wedding Day
Nicky Hilton flashed her panties on her wedding day because beneath a $100,000 dress at a million dollar wedding still beats the heart of a Hilton. She may be boring and dull and occasionally tested with a glass slide beneath her nostrils for signs of life, but only a Rothschild gets to see the hooch. Consider this one of those stores where they don’t have price tags and if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Those may just be urban legend. But really, you can’t afford Nicky Hilton. On the other hand, her sister will appear like Beelzebub’s snatch magnet if you’re having an epic night at the Treasure Island pai gow tables. Say Candyman three times into the ashtray of the old Chinese guy next to you. Just make sure everybody understands by candy you mean cocaine.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lady Gaga Needs To Stop And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 14, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Lady Gaga was out once again wearing something that would be super fucking hot on an attractive woman. I don’t buy muscle shirts meant for guys who can bench 400 or shoes that fit Dwight Howard. Because people would laugh at my failed aspirations. If I had $200 million in the bank, they would laugh less. That might be Lady Gaga’s secret.

Look at her body if you dare. (Egotastic)

Jimmy Fallon almost lost his finger. Then he wouldn’t be so smug all the time. (TMZ)

Here is Aussie hottie Jody Pachniuk buck naked. (Drunken Stepfather)

Check out Zoe Kravitz’s ass. (Hollywood Tuna)

Taylor Swift shows off her Big Bird legs. (Popoholic)

Samantha Hoopes sexily eats a banana. (Busted Coverage)

In celebration of Comic-Con ending, here are some hot nerds. (The Chive)

ESPN Takes a Month to Perfect Its Lie

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 10:39 AM

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Everybody with an IQ above Kardashian understands why ESPN picked Caitlin Jenner to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPY’s. It’s the same reason you told that girl in high school with the big tits how smart and funny she was. Why dance around the base human desire for sex and money? It’s normal. Apologize like you mean it, take your ratings boost, and move on. Back in June at the announcement, ESPN issued a statement that ‘the decisions speaks for itself’. Yes, it did. We get it.

With the ESPY’s coming around this week, ESPN rolled out Maura Mandt, the only chick they could find who works in ESPN executive ranks, surrounded by a team of public relations consultants, to double down on their cheating husband level excuses:

I think Caitlyn’s decision to publicly come out as a transgender woman and live as Caitlyn Jenner displayed enormous courage and self-acceptance. Bruce Jenner could have easily gone off into the sunset as this American hero and never have dealt with this publicly. Doing so took enormous courage. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time. That is what the Arthur Ashe Courage Award is about, somebody from the athletic community who has done something that transcends sport. One of the biggest platforms the Arthur Ashe Foundation has is educational, and I think in this choice we have the opportunity to educate people about this issue and hopefully change and possibly save some lives.  I think that is why it was the right choice.

Was a clairvoyant not available to confirm that Arthur Ashe approved of this nomination from beyond the grave? I could have written that pat response in two minutes, and even dropped in how Bruce Jenner bravely called 911 after he killed that old lady on PCH. Would Caitlin Jenner have done that? I don’t know. I know Caitlin Jenner never won the decathlon and her contributions to saving lives have been limited primarily to going to swank parties on terraces where everybody pretends not to notice her man hands. Every little bit helps. Excuse me, miss, your cock is showing. Yes, that does qualify you for the Pat Tillman Award.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Duggars Are Breeding Like Rapey Rabbits

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 9:59 AM

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These Duggars speed breed in the name of Jesus, and reality TV dough, in no particular order. Still maybe best to gestate the future molestation victims on the down low rather than reminding everybody of Camp Caligula you’re running down there in Arkansas. Anna Dugar’s reproductive output will probably slow down a tad as her child rapey husband Josh can no longer get it up for a chick who looks almost twenty. I think the brother-in-law is allowed to step in at that point and fuck his sister pregnant. I can’t remember all the rules. Still, people keep watching because all the charity volunteering spots in the world are taken.

Can the holy parents Duggar reach 100 grandkids someday? Likely, if none of the young womenfolk start sneaking birth control pills as the idea of being queen bees spitting out sexual predator larvae no longer seems appealing. Childbirth truly is a miracle. Followed closely by incest, rape, commercial exploitation, and misogyny. Where’s my pet monkey? My remote batteries are dead again.

Photo credit: Facebook/19 and Counting

Cindy Taylor Topless in A Bikini

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 9:04 AM

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I don’t know if this is the same Cindy Taylor who used to host that E! Wild On show before E! decided even staged party shows were too smart for their audience. They say the tits are the window to the soul. I’m starting there. She certainly seems confident. You don’t end up topless in in a Mexican skin magazine without ambition. Or Quaaludes and booze and a boyfriend who was lying when he that trip to Mexico was all about the next step in relationship. You can wonder how the hell you got here, but just know your high school English teacher predicted this years ago in the break room snickering to his buddy.

Photo Credit: Hombres Mexico

Olivia Jordan Is Your Khaleesi

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 8:34 AM

Olivia Jordan 2015 Miss USA Pageant Bikinis
There’s no particular reason for beauty pageants past the age when the pedophiles purchase excessive concessions and try to blend in. Twenty-six seems really old to be playing Barbie without a Saudi prince behind a curtain tipping six figures to your Paypal. It was cool back in the day to see college aged girls strutting around in swimsuits and heels. Now you can punch up a thousand websites for just that. Two-hundred if they have to be of Hmong descent with one heel broken and a lazy right eye.

The Miss USA pageant was supposed to air on NBC and Univision but both networks pulled out once they suddenly remembered that show owner Donald Trump hated Mexicans and that their ad departments were having trouble selling spots. The show ultimately aired on a terrestrial station out of Yuma where ironically only illegals with rabbit ears could watch. Trump himself did not attend, preferring to wait in his hotel room for the newly crowned Miss USA to rub her vagina on his hairpiece. It’s a painful reminder that even the Queen has to answer to somebody. We should strive to do better than this. Nudity as an example would be better.

Photo Credit: Getty