By Lex September 05, 2014 @ 10:30 AM
Courtney Stodden shared the only details of her life that we could possibly care about on the Couples Therapy reunion show on VH-1 when she announced she had fucked around on her older husband when they were separated. Outside of the thought of seeing Courtney passed around under various fat second tier managers and huckster promoters in Hollywood, I’m completely out of contexts for where she might be interesting:
“I wasn’t acting like a married woman, that’s for sure…I was doing everything, I was going crazy, partying, meeting new people, sleeping around, I was doing it all.”
I don’t think there’s a formal list of things not to say in front of your spouse after a reconciliation, but bragging about partying and fucking other men seems like something you might want to keep to yourself. In the video interview, Grandpa reveals not even a hint of reaction while his wife announces her extra-marital pillow biting adventures. This leads me to believe he’s either deaf or the thought of being his age and still being able to pound your pud between the giant udders of a teenaged girl is compelling enough not to give a shit. Both seem equally plausible. As for Courtney, I don’t know how she becomes slightly interesting again, short of a disfiguring ball bearing factory accident. Probably a plan for that in the works.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 05, 2014 @ 9:47 AM
While the media is collectively lamenting the downfall of the social contract by way of leaked naked photos of actresses who make a living by being almost naked, Ariana Grande and her people are turning lemons into publicity points. Some Ariana Grande photos were leaked in The Fappening but they were quickly dismissed as part of the half of the leaked photos that were entirely bogus. Rather than going Norma Rae on the right to finger yourself in totally secure selfies, Ariana Grande released a nice photo of her rack and chided the public in nearly indecipherable baby text talk:
To every1 going on about my “nudes” & my “m&g prices” neither are real! My lil a** is a lot cuter than that lmao & tour details r comin soon.
‘But forreal tho whoever thought those were actually me…… love u but I’m praying for u’.
I don’t know what that fuck that illiterate gibberish means, other than her fans are not big on syntax and she’s going to rape them for a lot of their parents credit card money. It might be rather crass, but it’s also not screaming pointlessly at the tide. If it wasn’t for the fact she’s dumbing down an entire generation of girls with her Twitter ebonics, Ariana Grande could win some kind of prize for being smarter than her peers.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Instagram, V Magazine
By Lex September 05, 2014 @ 9:24 AM
Yasmine Colt might just be the perfect stripper name. I’m still running the algorithm. If the 138 Water conspirators are jetting Venezuelan chicks to Aruba to pose in the ponds where authorities once scoured for Natalee Holloway, we might as just well surrender. Nobody else but me really cares about the nefarious nature of this phony bottled water company. There was a time in the 50′s and 60′s when the world panicked with every bogus and ludicrous UFO and alien invasion claim. Then we became complacent. Now they are here and they have fantastic tits. It’s pretty much over.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
Eva Longoria appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live for a haphazard cooking segment designed to promote her new illegal immigration themed movie that absolutely nobody will ever see. Publicists who think in precisely two dimensions got the bright idea for Eva to cook a Mexican egg dish to tie in with the movie. I guess she balked at the mustache, poncho and sombrero. Though somebody off-camera held up a picture of Speedy Gonzalez so Eva would remember to hit the Mexican accent hard. It was pretty clear that Eva Longoria knew how to cook at one point in her life. But that was probably five in-house chefs ago. Eva stumbled around and almost ignited a gallon of grease and ended up mashing a bunch of shit together on a plate like a toddler constructing a Lunchable.
Cooking segments on talk shows are just plain bad television. There are ten thousand cooking shows on seventeen different channels where real chefs are actually cooking tasty looking shit you could never make. The entire conceit of a conventional talk show seems so horribly outdated. Now that we get so much real dirt on celebrities, seeing them sit on a couch spewing rehearsed cute stories just seems nonsensical. They need to invent the talk show where Eva Longoria strips down to her panties while an assertive host demands she confess to all the dudes she’s been boning since she left Tony Parker. That’s so much better than crappy eggs and fake laughs.
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 7:38 AM
New phones soon to hit the market are promoting selfie friendly technology, with dramatic enhancements to the previously unimportant front facing camera. Samsung’s new Galaxy Note comes with a feature called “Wide Selfie” for the fatter faced Kardashians. Microsoft’s new Nokia phone is being marketed as “Built for selfies and Skype” and comes with an app called “Lumina Selfie” which lets narcissistic users edit the pockmarks and Chalupa grease off their faces.
It seems only yesterday smart phones were being marketed with revolutionary features like GPS, now this technology is folding in on itself to promote vanity and self indulgence. There has always been more money in the deadly sins. Apple could soon be marketing a version of Siri which is programmed to give a variety of compliments when asked questions such as “Does my herpes sore make me look more mature?” For all the inherent stupidity, it really was much easier to mock selfies before Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence started flashing their bare tits on iPhones. It’s as if hipster hats were discovered to be the cure for cancer. You have to learn to let go of the hate so that others could live.
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert DeNiro will reportedly each make $13 million dollars for two days filming a short movie to promote a new casino in Macau. The Studio City is a movie themed mega casino, which should bode well for Arab oil execs looking to bang hairless boys and brush up on French New Wave. Martin Scorsese will be directing the film as part of his lifelong quest for cinema that inspires hitting on a soft seventeen.
Once actors near middle age they all realize those late nights getting high with their broke buddies and waxing about Mickey Rourke were a huge waste of time. You want to focus on minimal work for the highest reward. That’s why you became an actor in the first place. Sure it was sad when you saw DeNiro start being the laughable tough guy in crappy soft comedies, but losing your balls is just part of getting old. I salute Pitt and DiCaprio for staying true to their current priorities, pussy and boats. Don’t let James Lipton fool you, love of the craft is not what’s getting these guys up for hair and makeup at four a.m.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 6:24 AM
World’s preeminent social satirist Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram picture of herself with a huge fat ass that looks like Nicki Minaj. Miley included the lyric “Ass so fat need a lap dance.” Minaj responded by reposting the photo with the weirdly punctuated caption “No chill ZONE!!!” The two pop stars became exhausted after trading monosyllabic barbs and retired to their respective solariums for salvia bong rips and tuna sandwiches.
Cyrus has altered Minaj’s album covers in the past, presumably due to insecurities about her cub scout physique, in contrast to Minaj who has the frame of a fuck toy designed by Asian comp-sci nerds. A staged rivalry is always a good way for artists to garner publicity, especially when they have nothing of interest to say. It’s how Lincoln and Douglas would have settled things had they both been really short and mildly retarded. I tend to prefer the Suge Knight beefs that result in one less rapper with a stupid name walking the earth. Every now and then we lose a real talent, but it’s worth it when they come back as even more awesome holograms.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
As part of his new Today extension, NBC has agreed to pay for Matt Lauer to helicopter back and forth to his house in the Hamptons. It’s unclear how often this is happening, but many feel it’s like hitting a meth pipe. Even once is too many. Lauer downplays his chic lifestyle, claiming the Hamptons are not the bourgeois scene many think. Rather, just an idyllic old school Norman Rockewell scenario that cost $10,000 bucks to commute to in a chartered HeliFlite fitted with anti missile gear:
“I think the image that people have is that it’s all polo fields and cocktail parties. And the fact of the matter — my experience and Annette’s experience . . . is about parent-teacher conferences and Little League and music lessons. . . We go to the local drugstore, and we walk the dog on the beach . . . and take pony-riding lessons . . . very much small-town America.”
Lauer paints a fine picture of the regular working stiff cruising over the masses in a chopper to his lair for some pony riding lessons. NBC must be crazy desperate if they are willing to accept insane Guns and Roses rider demands from a bald dude who fake laughs at stories about soap actresses kids. I could name a hand full of struggling actors at my local bar who would do a comparable job and be psyched they got a split on their Uber-X charge. Even though absolutely nobody will ever put their finger on it, there’s just something about Matt Lauer.
Photo Credit: Getty Images