The National Association for Sport and Physical Education says that teaching team sports in P.E. class, especially dodgeball, is tantamount to baby murder. Cheryl Richardson, the head of the organization, says, “Dodgeball should not be part of any curriculum, ever.” God forbid our fat pre-type 2 diabetes bundles of joy break a sweat. And even worse, somebody has to lose the game! This is precisely why we’re turning into a bunch of pussies.

Team sports teach discipline and the ability to work with others. This doesn’t come naturally especially to men. Sports build character. In life it’s as important to learn how to lose gracefully as it is to win, because most of the time we don’t win. Also, a red rubber ball to the face is a good thing. It wakes you up to the fact that you are alive. Fear is good and overcoming that fear is what makes us strong. So, by all means ban team sports. America will become France and get invaded by our enemies. If we can’t stand like a man in the crossfire of some rubber balls then how are we going to stand up to Chinese bullets. No offense China, but let’s face it, you’re eventually coming for us.

Although radical Salafi Muslim groups have called for a ban on skimpy swimwear and alcoholic beverages, Hisham Zaazou is hoping that people will return to the region for a vacation in the near future.

“Bikinis are welcome in Egypt and booze is still being served,” the tourism minister explained at the United Arab Emirates.

That’s right. Just when you thought Egypt couldn’t rank any higher on your vacation bucket list, the whack-jobs running the asylum have bowed to the pleas of the tourism industry and bikinis will be allowed at hotel pools. And, as a kicker, it’s your choice of the alcohol you’d like to be doused with at your public square burning for wearing your Allah-offensive skin exposing swimwear. Book now before the high season when hotel rates in Cairo can go up as much as thirty-seven cents.