Bella Thorne In the Valley of the Dolls

By Lex September 16, 2015 @ 7:01 AM

Bella Thorne Bikini Party Flaunt
It seems unfair that this girl at seventeen and three quarters can pose for magazine shots in a bikini looking like this, yet it’s entirely invalid to talk about guys wanting to fuck her. Fuck her sideways, forward, backward, on the balcony, in front of her godparents, on webcam, while watching SportsCenter, ass up during the High Holy Days, jackrabbit to Hootie albums, just fucking her every which way until Sunday. Which I think is her birthday. Inappropriate because of a silly number. I stand with Tyga. He’s probably fucking her right now while we’re soul searching. Sharia law won’t be all bad.

Photo Credit: Flaunt Magazine

Gigi Hadid in A Bikini

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 3:44 PM

Gigi Hadid Bikini For Fashion Week
I often muse to myself, I wonder what super gay men find hot on women. Fashion Week. It’s a time when the world’s most beautiful young women gather in New York City in a series of concentric rings to keep at bay the treacherous cat calls of construction workers and city employees with dubious jobs. Who’s undigested Wendy’s baked potato is that on the floor? Just kidding, it belongs to all of us. Next year let’s just have people with too much money write us a check for eleven billion dollars and meet for mineral spas in Taos. New York in the late summer smells like Beirut.

Photo Credit: Getty

Ana Braga Light Stretching In A Tiny Bikini

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 1:12 PM

Ana Braga Light Stretching In A Tiny Bikini
There’s a Cutler fan in every bunch. You can always spot them. Hopeful optimists who see the best in people. This is the year Uncle Stan finally gets over meth. It’s been a ride. I bet that pastor from Seventh Heaven no longer likes young girls. He is a man of God. Nobody’s going to be in Los Angeles come January. Hell yes let’s get Cutler tattoos. Why is Uncle Stan stealing our toaster? Dan Marino has no rings either.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Caitlyn Makes It Legal And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 15, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Caitlyn Jenner has officially filed paperwork to have the State of California register her as a woman. No snip, just a form and twenty-five bucks. I’m going later if anybody wants to come with.

Does she at least have to tuck it back for the ID pic? (TMZ)

Lais Ribeiro shows off her sexy nips. (Last Men On Earth)

Happy Jew New Year! Here are some topless Hebrews! (Egotastic All-Stars)

Remember Lilly Allen? Well, here is her ass. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sexy girls tugging on their clothes for your viewing pleasure. (The Chive)

Gretchen Rossi’s cleavage is what life is all about. (Hollywood Tuna)

Krysten Ritter in a bikini? Yes, please, and thank you. (Popoholic)

Amber Rose and Blac Chyna in Disguise

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

Amber Rose Big Cleavage In Long Brunette Wig
Amber Rose and Blac Chyna were hard to make out in their disguises over the weekend in Hollywood. Amber Rose went as a desperate weight gaining attention whore while Blac Chyna opted for the same look but with a different colored wig. Paparazzi trailed the two around town because they had nothing better to do and they also like tits in their face. Amber’s gearing up for her Slut Walk in October when she will lead up to eleven women high on meth and Sunny D along one of the abandoned streets of downtown Los Angeles in Spandex and push up bras demanding not to be raped by the still slumbering Skid Row homeless. A couple bipolar vagrants might lean up from their cardboard boxes long enough to stroke one out. That’s a win. This is just the first year of the event.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Candice Swanepoel Thong Thing

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

Candice Swanepoel New Thongtastic Treats From Victorias Secret
I’ll watch a kid with sausage fingers dominate on some nonsensical war game app just because he’s superior to a million other future fatty livers comprising the field. There’s just something special about watching a craftsman at the top of their game. This chick is the best lingerie model in the world. That body combined with that look like she just popped out of an alien pod and started asking if any earthlings can tell her about this whole fucking business she’d dying to try. It’s too good to be true. It is. I’ve heard she has combination skin and her jaw grinds in her sleep. Her vagina is filled Saginaw warts and until you’ve bedded a woman in Saginaw, please don’t dismiss this as inconsequential. Just leave her be. The Chinese robot guys will be by to pick her up in the morning. We almost had it all. I blame the imitation satin.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Boredom With Beyonce’s Boobs And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 14, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


I, like Beyonce, am from Houston. I’ve been living with Beyonce and her tits for decades and I am exhausted. I’ve reached peek giving a shit about Beyonce’s tits. Fuck, I’m lying.

If you still like Beyonce tits, here they are. (Last Men On Earth)

Rhian Sugden and her tits help you count the days. (Egotastic All-Stars)

FEMEN crash a Muslim conference in France with their tits. Inshallah! (TMZ)

Lindsey Lohan acting all sexy just made me gay. (Drunken Stepfather)

Let’s celebrate the start of football with some hot fan sluts. (The Chive)

Elle Fanning and her sideboob is dangerous. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kylie Jenner needs to buy a fucking bra. (Popoholic)

Farrah Abraham And Jenna Jameson Evicted

By Lex September 14, 2015 @ 11:38 AM

Farrah Abraham And Jenna Jameson Fake Eviction On Big Brother UK
The selling point of the Big Brother TV show continues to elude me. You gather up disturbed sex workers you’d never want as roommates, pack them all into a fake house, and spy on them except when they’re changing because that might be viscerally compelling. In England they do a celebrity version of the show, if by celebrity you mean Backyard Teen Mom and twelve stone Jenna Jameson who is now left with only fond memories of taking splooge in the face when she was called queen. Of course nobody wants these salty twats in their house. I’d call the cops. Or the CDC. I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of restraining order that prevents former porn stars from gathering within three hundred feet of each other. STD superstorms. Condemn the house. NIMBY.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet