By Lex February 18, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
The entire point of a celebrity roast is to see who can get liquored up and deliver the most outlandish slams on their fellow drinking buddies. It’s a universally understood concept by any man who’s ever drank too much with friends. It’s how men bond. And occasionally some cool women who you might want to get with after you’re too drunk to do anything about it. Sometimes the roast is funny, sometimes it sucks, but that’s the constant.
Justin Bieber doesn’t have witty cool friends and nobody wants to drink with him. He’s not the regular guy in the Miller commercial you identify with, he’s the dick drinking the pretentious cocktail. Comedy Central is roasting Justin Bieber because he’s famous and will draw a shitload of teen viewers who don’t even understand the goof. Also, he’s perfected the ‘c’mon, guys’ face for the people he’s never met who will be roasting him. We accept that Katy Perry comes out in a girdle with sharks at halftime to sing her hits. When the NFL insists she play QB for the team in the lead to promote fairness, that’s when we look for anything else sports on TV. Not that a Comedy Central Roast stands for much, but I suppose it stood for something. Now that something is gone. I’m starting to understand why old people are ready to pull the plug.
By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
A growing chorus of people seem concerned that Fifty Shades of Grey promotes rape culture even though it’s clear in the story that the woman is willingly consenting to the spanking sex. That’s the opposite of rape. In fact that’s why we have a word to differentiate the two scenarios. If you’re unable to accept that some people deal with daddy issues through weird sex then you need to get out and have more weird sex instead of getting huffy about shitty movies tested at an eighth grade level at Mall of America. Date a stripper and get back to me. Contrary to popular belief, they drive themselves to the club. Don’t marry your high school boyfriend who knocked you up and act like you’re a pragmatic role model. Go to the Pleasure Chest and buy a bunch of Chinese leather goods made from imitation panda. See what happens. Not into it? Cool that’s called a personal choice. Welcome to America. Figure out how to get Cosby into the back of your rented van. Until then, you have the right to shut the fuck up.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 7:39 AM
Unemployed running back Brennan Clay has been arrested for beating the shit out of his wife Gina D’Agostini. A while back Clay went through D’Agostini’s phone and saw she and Clay’s friend, Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray, had arranged a rendezvous to fuck each other’s brains out. Naturally, he posted the evidence on Twitter. D’Agostini had saved Murray’s cell contact as ‘Spray Tan’ which for the sake of ratings I’m going to assume means he liked to finish on her. Clay later apologized and convinced himself he was wrong:
“Jumped to a conclusion that wasn’t true ..can’t judge a situation without knowing all the facts ..I apologize ..”
Clay posted a photo of he and his wife apparently banging just to show his remorse. It’s like flowers, for the mentally disturbed. They broke up. But Clay still loved her dearly so he allegedly went to her her house and dragged her through shrubs and repeatedly punched her. Police found some cuts on her leg, presumably from the shrubs, which was evidence enough to press charges. There are on winners here. Except DeMarco Murray. He’s good.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 7:11 AM
This photo from a Marie Claire shoot features a completely untouched image of 48 year old Cindy Crawford. It’s generating a chorus of applause from women pretending to champion the imperfection of the natural woman’s body. We’re now at the pendulum swing where you get credit for taking a bad photo. Blast some floodlights onto those wrinkles, now push your gut out and can we get a close-up on that ingrown hair? Is that eczema? Zoom in ! This photo wasn’t even supposed to go out. Somebody found it in the circular files. A far more flattering candid photo of Crawford taken by her husband got zero adulation. Why? There is a vocal minority of women who instead of looking at the empty Claim Jumper boxes piled up in their recycling bin or just admitting they didn’t hit the genetic lottery, push the theory that a chauvinist conspiracy has dictated the tastes of consumers around the world. Other way around, frumpy. I know you like it when models take bad photos, but they get paid to take good ones. Enjoy the novelty, it won’t last.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 6:41 AM
Ashley Benson either doesn’t know what acupuncture is, or is down for just about anything because she claims to stick needles in her vag to calm down:
“I do it on my back and private parts. It relieves anxiety.”
I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to self administer acupuncture. Maybe if you’re lone eagle on lookout over a war torn Mosul and the stress is giving you heartburn. But probably not because you’re worried your boyfriend is fucking your co-star who’s a dude. Benson is either masturbating with a cat toy on Ambien or experimenting with some hardcore S&M. Either way I’d take a needle in the dick for her. Just pass me the goggles.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt February 18, 2015 @ 6:13 AM
Right after his steroid supplier was sentenced to prison, Alex Rodriguez issued an apology to the fans which he wrote out by hand possibly while shaving or having sex with a WWE Diva, or both. I remember in high school some of the teachers demanded work be typed. Maybe writing it in lopsided print will piss someone off. They didn’t specify and I’m a cocksucker.
“I accept the fact that many of you will not believe my apology or anything that I say at this point. I understand why and that’s on me.”
We get that you’re a terrible person. Not because you took PEDs or even lied. You can just tell. This is weird timing. I’m guessing it has something to do with the $61 million owed to Rodriguez or maybe Jiminy Cricket just got back from an extended stay in Baja. It’s a solid insincere gesture for the ages. I saw your fingers were crossed. There remains one and only one way to apologize in this world. Do your job and shut the fuck up. A-Rod currently 0-2. This is just like the playoffs.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 1:24 PM
Anybody who thinks Obama is a tool but Bush was a gem needs to be an NBA ref objectively calling fouls for Kobe. They’re both a couple of Kinko’s overnight managers who can’t unjam a copier when you need your weed protest flyers printed. Neither of these Commanders in Chief could bring themselves to use the phrase Islamic Terrorists.
The enemy of America is not our many Muslim friends; it is not our many Arab friends. Our enemy is a radical network of terrorists, and every government that supports them.”
Bush said that right after 9/11.He’s the hawk. Obama is just repeating the same politically correct lines. It’s supposed to keep our reputation from being besmirched in the Muslim and Arab world. How’s that working out? Obama is currently hosting an anti-terrorist summit where you have to put a dollar in a swear jar any time you use the word Muslim. 99% of Muslims will never commit an act of terror. But 99% of terrorists are Muslim borne or converts so where does that leave our anti-terrorism summit where we can’t talk about that? Kill Norway.
Obama opened the National Prayer Breakfast by talking about all he barbaric shit Christians did in the name of religion. The Crusades, the Inquisition, and Slavery. All extremely relevant if you view time like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. It’s not a line, it’s a circle. Something like that, I fell asleep. Fuck me, grab your swords and crosses and let’s go save the Holy Land from the Ottomans. Cardinal Richelieu, don’t forget the swear jar.
The time to lie and pussyfoot about is when you want to get laid. Radical Islam is not a chick, it’s a chick on a never ending period with an RPG and a belief that if she kills enough people before she gets taken out, she gets a spa day with her best friends for the rest of eternity. In World War II we had the neat idea of telling our enemies, you think world domination is a cute? How about we flatten you like a pancake and then reassess your position? That was the last war we won. Now we can’t even utter the name of our enemies aloud. We’re so screwed.
By Jack February 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Ginger witch Conan O’Brien was in Cuba over the weekend shooting segments for his show. This made many of my old Cuban relatives in Miami vow never to watch his show again. Which isn’t really a threat since his show is not in Spanish and comes on after 8pm.
Read all about comrade Conan’s trip down south. (Huffington Post)
This chick Anna Faith loves to take sexy selfies. (The Chive)
Emmy Rossum shows off her naked tits because it’s her job. (Egotastic)
Hope Solo can handle my soccer balls any day. (TMZ)
Anastasia Ashley teaches girls what a hot ass looks like in Cheeki panties. (Drunken Stepfather)
Elizabeth Chevalier wears a bikini to hawk pricey water. (Hollywood Tuna)
Sofia Bush’s tits should have their own zip code. (Popoholic)