By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 3:24 PM
As much as I hooted and applauded when angry Ellen Page pulled off her dyke glasses to announce she was a lesbian, and as excited as I am by Sara Gilbert’s latest ocean-overlooking lesbian wedding, nothing makes me feel more progressive and politically gay correct than supporting chicks making out on the beach in Cancun. If it’s Michelle Rodriguez and her topless little British supermodel piece of conquest cheese, all the better. Michelle didn’t need to make a big speech or cry or have everybody validate her forbidden love. She just went and got some. And that’s the way it should be. Love should know no boundaries nor be defined by petty writs of law. If you can finger it, you can love it. Take that, GLAAD. My inclusionary motto just fucked your motto and made it its bitch.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Somebody at E! got a grant from the Thai government to have the Kardashian girls come over and teach all the underaged sex workers how to please foreign men without visible signs of tear. Now more than ever Thailand needs foreign dollars to keep its economy from collapsing. That isn’t coming from Tom Yum soup sales alone. Each of the girls have been doing their part to promote Thailand and their amphetamine diet secrets by posting photos of themselves in bikinis in various resort areas of Thailand where they keep most of the actual icky Asian people away from you. Kim did have a run-in with an elephant she thought her mom hired to make for a cute selfie backdrop but who the animal’s owner assumed was meant for the higher priced sex show trick. The mixup nearly caused an international scandal before Kim agreed to let the elephant mount her for ten Mississippis.
Photo Credit: (elephant: Alexander Goldschmidt on Twitter, bikinis: Kim Kardashian/Instagram)
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:25 PM
When Lindsay Lohan heard the accusations that Terry Richardson had been lewdly assaulting certain of his model subjects in his photo studio, she ran right over to his place to confront him about why he never molested her. Obviously, it’s a delicate situation when one of your girls wants to know why Uncle Terry didn’t use their tampon for his famous tampon tea. Dylan Farrow can bitch all she wants about being diddled by her dad, at least she got validation. How do you think it makes all the other adopted daughters feel since they never got taken up into the attic for Broadway Danny Rose playtime? Woody felt so guilty he even married one of the fugly ones. Terry Richardson conceded to shoot Lindsay again while explaining to her that any man would have been lucky to have finished on her face before the drugs and alcohol took their natural toll. Lindsay seemed to calm down upon hearing that. Though as punishment she told Terry he’d have to get her a pistachio gelato if he wanted to shoot her cooch.
Photo Credit: Terry Richarson
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
There’s nothing Miley Cyrus will not do to get you to listen to her music. She’s like that kid in high school who wouldn’t stop passing out flyers and homemade samples for his band. Only, imagine that dude topless on a horse and with smaller boobs and you have Miley. If you had already had plans to purchase her remix of Adore You, because, you know, the first auto-tuned mix wasn’t enough, then you can skip right past her bare yabbos and pick up your order. But if you were on the fence, this might just get you into her music. This is very similar to how I first got hooked on Celtic Woman.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus
By Jack April 01, 2014 @ 1:06 PM
Mom-first Farrah Abraham is set to release a trio of erotic novels. The reality star turned porn star is going to “write” the books based loosely on her life. They will tell the tale of a girl named Fallon Opal that rockets to G-list celebrity through a reality show and then causes a lot of controversy by acting like a total fucking whore. The publishers, the vaginally named Ellora’s Cave publishing, are hoping to cash in on the phenomenal success of Fifty Shades of Grey and give bored housewives something new to flick their bean to. Farrah describes the project as,
“In The Making reveals the truth about ‘being in the limelight’ as a young celebrity. Writing this series was like therapy for me. Fallon’s story follows what I’ve gone through recently, much of it witnessed and misunderstood by the public. Book One is an entertaining and sexually charged novel, but it’s also an inside look at the underside of being a reality TV star that everyone else can relate to.”
Naturally, we call all relate to the seedy parts of reality TV star life. I know when I had my high school bastard baby and talked about it on MTV for cash, my life was never the same. I can’t wait to learn how badly Farrah has been misunderstood as interpreted by her cock gobbling character Fallon Opal. Maybe Fallon can explain how a private sex tape with James Deen paid for by Vivid suddenly became public. If you’re not weeping by Book Three when Fallon sells her little girl into white slavery to pay for her AIDS medications, you don’t have a heart.
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 12:49 PM
It’d be easy to mock Lacey Wildd’s dream of having the biggest tits on the planet. But it’d be even easier to applaud a woman who has found an addiction that actually improves the world around her. Just look how happy everybody is when they see her tits. Even the world’s most adorable puppy won’t get that kind of draw along the beach. Too bad for her kids who worry mom is going to explode into salty dripping death at the dinner table. Stop being such selfish brats. Her doctor seemed cool with her decision once he found out she was paying for the increasingly dangerous implants with cash. Obamacare only gets you to DDD before you have to fill out an obnoxious amount of paperwork.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis April 01, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Israel’s Second Authority for Television and Radio decided that the idea of Bar Refaeli having an orgy with a giant purple puppet and two clones of herself, all in the name of selling clothes, is just too much for daytime TV. The ad for the Hoodies summer collection features a puppet named Red Orbach in a variety of suggestive situations with the Israeli model, and because of the fourway, strip poker and hot tub romp, the prudes decided that the commercial can only air after 10 PM. Because if there’s one thing that a country locked in an eternal holy war with its neighbors should do, it’s keep the eyes of the young shielded from vague puppet fucking references.
By Travis April 01, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
On yesterday’s episode of The View, Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd closed the show out with a clip of Lena Dunham getting naked on an episode of Girls, because that’s what every person wants to see right before lunch. But because they’re so hip and hilarious, Jenny and Sherri announced that they were taking their tops off, too, because if Lena does it for attention, then they can do it for ratings, too. I bet it totally worked, because guys everywhere must have been dropping everything to tune in to see Jenny’s 41-year old tits behind a black box, instead of googling “Jenny McCarthy Playboy nude” and remembering a time when she was a really hot 21-year old and not that crazy lady trying to murder all of your kids.