Blake Lively Castrating Ryan Reynolds

By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 11:15 AM

Lively

Blake Lively says her husband Ryan Reynolds is incredibly involved in her lifestyle website Preserve. The site is made up of yuppy instagram porn featuring gourmet culinary items and overpriced trust fund hipster garbage such as vintage bow ties. A kind of earthy existentialist eBay for the conscientious consumer who really wants to talk about their purchases. There is also a vague connection to philanthropy, a device to alleviate guilt on the part of anyone who buys 25 dollar barbecue sauce and feels bad about the homeless guy outside of Pier 1. Part of the site’s cringe worthy manifesto reads:

“Sometimes we walk proudly. Other times we stumble gracelessly. Yet we take each step with a generous measure of never-ending curiosity and wonder. We remain in awe of the folks and folkways existing around us. We want to learn about them, embrace them…preserve them.”

Ryan Reynolds is apparently really into the site, or at least gives half hearted nods when Lively is yammering about the inconsequential bullshit that rich people waste money on.

“There is nothing that goes through that I don’t run by him. On the site, when I’m doing photo kills I’ll say, ‘What photos do you think? This one or do you think that one?’ And I love that he challenges me. He’s someone that I trust when he challenges me.”

Notice he did not even slip a word in during her relaying of the process. Reynolds knows you have to pick your battles, and while Lively is droning on about what organic peanut butter goes well with artisan celery, he is plotting his next move. It most likely involves ordering pizza, watching hockey, and committing massive amounts of infidelity.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Tony Stewart Sort of Killed His Opponent (VIDEO)

By Lex August 11, 2014 @ 11:13 AM







If that Murder She Wrote crone got a hold of this Tony Stewart sprint car incident, she might find it to be kind of homicidal. You cut off some dude on the track, he gets out of his busted car to call you a fucking asshole as you drive around the next time and you accidentally clip him with your winged vehicle and spill him about half a football field up the track. Everybody’s calling it a horrible accident this morning. I guess any time a road rager on foot confronts a speeding race car he deserves at least a broken ulna. If only that happened to Alec Baldwin on his drunken pedestrian rampages in Manhattan. But Kevin Ward Jr. got the full throttle death sentence. Police won’t charge anybody with anything. This is NASCAR. These modest host track towns live and die by these events. But Tony Stewart will live forever with the guilt of accidentally taking out Kevin Ward. Or, you know, quietly chuckling to himself for getting away with murder.

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini

By Lex August 11, 2014 @ 10:34 AM

Jennifer Nicole Lee In A Bikini At The Beach With Her New Boyfriend In Miami
If you work hard enough in life, and have your bikini drop in front of enough people, you will eventually be banging the Colombian dude who invented Zumba. That’s axiomatic. Zumba is the genius of aerobics, but with meringue music instead of It’s Raining Men. It didn’t really catch on in the U.S. until Kirstie Alley said it helped her lose 511 pounds and then millions of people signed up before they noticed Kirstie put 600 back on and was only ambulatory with aid of a Tommy Lift. I guess if you’re a fitness instructor then climbing on board the dude who invented Zumba is the pinnacle of cock quest. It’s like being a Mary Kay girl and digging up the dead corpse of Mary Kay Ash for bizarre necrophiliac acts. Only that seems like a ton more work than smiling back at the dude on the beach with the ‘I invented Zumba, come fuck me’ sign.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Rihanna Goes Braless

By Lex August 11, 2014 @ 10:02 AM

Rihanna Goes Braless Leaving Giorgio Baldi Restaurant In Santa Monica LB
Rihanna and Eminem are tearing it up. I read that on some kid’s review of their Monster Tour which already started in Los Angeles. It wasn’t a profound review, but at least it wasn’t tainted by music industry ad dollars. At some point next week the mini-tour heads to Detroit where the duo will likely be swallowed up in the third world malaise that swirls around the Motor City like a dust cloud. They’re pretty big stars so I imagine the Detroit City Police Department will task RoboCop with scouring the 80,000 abandoned buildings in the city in search of Rihanna’s elaborate nose ring. You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone, so stare at Rihanna’s tits now.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash

Adriana Lima Filming in a Thong

By Lex August 11, 2014 @ 9:40 AM

Adriana Lima Films A Scene For Victoria's Secret In A Bra And Thong In Los Angeles
Adriana Lima seems like a talented actress. I hate to critique her style but maybe a little lighter on the ass bruises for her thong work. It’s always fun to imagine how an attractive woman comes by her sub-gluteal hematomas. I generally go with S&M dungeon paddle, though that’s only because jealousy prevents me from admitting it’s somebody’s thumbs not my own. A little powder could clear that up. Unless you’re a raped slave, you’re not winning an Oscar with visible bruises on your ass.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Sasha Grey Just A Typical Porn Star

By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 8:31 AM

Grey

Sasha Grey has filed a restraining order against her ex boyfriend Ian Cinnamon, who she claims has beat and raped her since she was 16, and apparently convinced her to do porn because he was a spy and it would be a good cover. Grey always cast herself as the smart chick with no hangups, who was doing double anal out of liberation. She called herself the ‘Existentialist’ porn star, because it sounded smart in passing to those looking for sustainable masturbation. It turns out Grey is just a chick from Sacramento who started getting abused at a young age by a tweaker called Ian Cinnamon. Definitely lacks the romanticism. Grey also claims Cinnamon flipped out when she informed him that she did not check the STD results of a guy she fucked on film. I find that grounds for flipping out wether you are an abusive tweaker or just a dude who likes to put his dick in the girl you have broken. Grey has retired from porn, so she will have to learn a new word and find another creep looking to lure her into lewd activity in the promise of making the pain stop.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Alyce Crawford Seems Kind of Nude

By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

Alyce Crawford Poses Nude And Covered For A Bikini Photo Shoot For It's Cool Now
This Australian girl became famous for being one in the succession of international models Leo DiCaprio has screwed on his Icarus Dickarus tour through life. It’s unfortunate that all the Lenny exes have to be known forever more as hot chicks on DiCaprio’s nail list. Though I suppose not as unfortunate as those girls deciding boning him would help them in their careers. When all those corporate retreat grease boards talk about synergy, this is exactly what they mean. Trust me, Sales will never work well with QA or Product. There’s nothing in it for them. But no-named models can literally sign their next fat contract with DiCaprio’s spent dick. Everything you ever need to know in life can be gleaned from the lifecycle of casual sexual relationships.

Photo Credit: ItsCoolNow.com

Danity Kane Seem Tempermental

By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

It’s official. Music is dead. Danity Kane broke up for the eighth time. Earlier this week, Dawn Richard, the black one, punched Aubrey O’Day, the fat one with big tits, in the head while Shannon Bex, the one nobody ever remembers, tried to intervene. The girl fight went down at a recording studio where the remaining trio of the MTV-Sean Combs made up band was preparing to lay down some super fresh funky tracks which closely resembled the pre-recorded ditties on most Casio keyboards.

Each of the girls responded to the fallout with insightful remarks about the human condition:

Sadness does not even remotely begin to describe what I feel right now. — the fat one

I now must walk away feeling used and manipulated – the one nobody remembers

Actually, Dawn Richard had nothing to say on advice of her counsel as Aubrey O’Day filed assault charges against her. The bigger question will be who owns the rich Danity Kane song library and the right to use the superior Danity Kane brand name moving forward. The answer most assuredly is not the black one, the fat one, or the one nobody remembers.