Coco Looks Perfect

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 10:55 AM

Coco Wears See Through Lingerie For Show Magazine
I can see the advantages of living with an airbrushed Coco. Perfectly large curves with no creases or cracks filled with undocumented aliens seeking out a better life north of the border. A face where you can’t detect the deep impressions left by years and years of semen carving canyons like the Colorado River through the Southwestern limestone. You wouldn’t even sense your pending doom as noxious gases leak through her immense squatted parts after serious rounds of Korean BBQ binging. I like this Coco. I could probably even grow to love her.

Photo Credit: Show Magazine

Nick Jonas’ Miss America Girlfriend Means He Can’t Be Gay

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Nick Jonas Girlfriend Olivia Culpo Wears A Bikini In Miami
Men who love cock like ISIS loves beheadings are accusing the prettiest Jonas brother of gay baiting by ripping off his shirt and flashing his six pack at gay bars, singing in Broadway musicals, all the while secretly loving the pussy of his Miss America girlfriend. It’s called a Jackman in street parlance. Nick Jonas denies the cockteasing charges. He claims hitting the Village bars has all merely been a planned marketing event to promote his new album, Fuck Me In My Hot Bottom Ass, or something like that.

“Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think it’s unfortunate that some people have to find a negative in every situation. Clearly my heart is in the right place, and more than anything, if they just looked at my life and my gay friends and the authentic nature of where my heart is, they’d just see that they’re kind of ignorant.”

I’m trying to put myself in some really horny gay dudes stylish shoes. If a hot young female music artist was hitting my local dive bar, climbing on the tables, and flashing her tits while talking about pulling trains of fat drunk sods, I suppose I’d be disappointed when I found out she was really just chick who liked to scissor kiss other hot chicks until dripping wet and writhing in ecstasy. I’d probably masturbate thrice before the disappointment set in. but I can still feel the let down.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Amanda Bynes Returns to Rubber

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Amanda-Bynes-Returns-to-LAX-with-Arm-Markings

When you’re crazy, there’s no such thing as down time. Over the weekend, Amanda Bynes recanted her child molestation charges, blamed her misguided allegations on a microchip placed in her head, and flew back to Los Angeles where she was tricked into a town car he thought was taking her to see a stage revue of cats dancing in Downton Abbey costumes but instead drove her straight into the gates of mental hospital lockdown. Wait, where is Lord Whiskers? Where the fuck is Lord Whiskers!!! That’s a dramatic reenactment.

Amanda is back on 5150 lockdown while her parents fight to get her named a ward once more so they can strap her down, rinse, lather, and repeat. Among the latest signs of Amanda’s return to the blurry side is the ancient Hebrew directions to the site of the Holy Grail lightly etched into her arms. It might also be her Grub Hub order. I’m certain there’s an amusing anecdote behind how it came to be.

There was a time in this country when we get the mentally ill permanently locked up in mad houses. Then Geraldo and his mustache ruined everything for the insane asylum industry. So we collectively determined letting people roam the streets self-medicating and talking to God was preferable to seeing them zombie walking in shit soiled gowns in between shock therapy. It would be awesome if complex social problems got better just by ignoring them. Of more immediate concern, somebody needs to throw Amanda Bynes car keys in the river.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Ebola Chapter 2: Wherein the Unspreadable Virus Spreads

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 8:47 AM

German-Nurses-prep-for-Ebola-Cases

A nurse who treated Ebola Guy in Dallas has tested positive for Ebola. The CDC, who exists now entirely to assure people they can’t possibly contract Ebola, blames the transmission to the nurse on an error in protocols. Specifically, while the nurse was wearing gloves and masks and gowns and face masks, she was not wearing the full Apollo 13 head to toe space suit with respirator which is highly recommended if you drew the short stick job of assisting vomiting and spewing Ebola patients. In short, so long as nobody makes any mistakes, we’re all good. Just like the Raiders would be 5-0 if they didn’t make mistakes. The nurse’s apartment has been sprayed down and quarantined while all of her worldly possessions have been packed into sealed steel drums. Just think about that the next time you complain about your neighbor being the worst. Also, men in super scary suits cornered her dog. The Dallas mayor said officials have a ”plan to take care of the pet”. I’m sure they mean a farm filled with rabbits and t-bone steaks.

The CDC is reminding everybody that if we just stick to the protocol nobody knowns or has been trained for, we’re going to be just fine. As a precaution, they recommend you call you loved ones and remind them how important they are to you.

Photo credit: Getty Images

I Wouldn’t Have Told the Stephen Collins Baby Peen Story

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Stephen-Collins-and-His-Wife-Faye-Grant

There comes a point in every nasty divorce case when you have to know you’ve told one horrible spouse story too many. The villainously named Faye Grant leaked an email she wrote to her husband claiming he confessed to her before the birth of their daughter that he was glad they were having a girl, because if it were a boy, he’s didn’t know if he could resist sucking his little baby boy dick.

“I should have followed my gut then, and then again 14 years ago, and kicked your ass to the curb.”

I know deep down in your wretched alimony shakedown heart you think releasing this email makes your grossly disturbed husband look like Satan and you the victim, but it doesn’t. I mean, yes, to the first part. You stayed married to a guy who said he’d have a hard time resisting baby peen? And his confessions to you he was molesting girl scouts should bake a while until such time as your marital asset splits discussion arose? Both of you need a submersion bath in rotting Ebola corpse parts. A few weeks after that we can use the old Salem trick of determining which one of you is worse by who God makes bleeds more profusely through the eye sockets.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Be Gone!

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

Obama-Meets-with-Health-Officials

The White House acted fast in this Ebola criss that started a long time ago by reversing their policy of encouraging West African travelers with raging fevers to come to America to purchase our custom slogan t-shirts to now special screening those very same passengers at five U.S. airports.

Passengers arriving from West Africa to Atlanta, New York, Chicago or D.C. now will be pulled into a separate line in customs where they will have their temperatures taken and be given a speech begging them to not respond to any future Ebola like symptoms by visiting the nearest Chuck E. Cheese and licking all the pizzas. Any sequestered passengers testing with high fevers or other Ebola symptoms will be escorted to a special CDC holding area while heavyset TSA officials race into the streets after all the other people who just spent twelve hours locked in an air-tight cylinder with the Ebola carriers.

America, rest easy tonight. We’ve got this Ebola thing figured out.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Morrissey Is Dying, Just Not Fast Enough

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Morrissey-in-Concert

To his list of ongoing ailments and maladies, vegetarian activist and occasional singer Morrissey told the people of Spain he has recently had cancer scrapings. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I know I’m skipping that particular platter at the Home Town Buffet. As always, the former Smiths singer was able to sum up his feelings in a brief bit of seemingly bad-ass, but ultimately emo martyr type phrasing:

I have had four cancer-scrapings, but so what. If I die, I die. If I don’t, then I don’t

He’s far more verbose when comparing meat eaters to insidious evil rapists and genocidal demons. Never has Morrissey conceded that omitting animal flesh from his diet since the age of fourteen might be the actual cause of his never-ending maladies. Or maybe God just has a wicked sense of humor for those who forsake Genesis.

I know I look quite bad on recent photographs, but I am afraid this is what illness does to the overall countenance. I will save relaxation for when I’m dead.

Dammit, Morrissey, stop being so fucking vegan-awesome. He’s like a superhero who cries a lot and has remarkably regular bowel movements. If I had a whiny self-righteous bisexual son, I’d want him to grow up to be just like Morrissey.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Angelina Jolie Touched by the Queen

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Receives Honorary Damehood
Angelina Jolie is doing alright since she hacked off her breasts to ward off potential future cancer and unwanted gropes at the Rammstein concerts She was named U.N. Special Envoy in charge of both refugees and rapes, though not the actual raping of refugees which I believe went to Cher. Jolie’s long time male companion Brad Pitt finally made her an honest woman with a wedding ceremony. And now she’s been awarded a Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, whatever the fuck that means. If the Queen touches you with her crusty palm, it’s considered important. Even if it’s just to pass you a note that says she killed Diana and blames herself for her grandson being gay.

Photo Credit: Getty