If it looks like a cute redhead’s naked body and quacks like a cute redhead’s naked body, then it’s usually a cute redhead’s naked body. However, Emma Stone’s people swear that this nude mirror selfie is not her, despite the fact that it kind of looks like her. According to TMZ, this new photo of mostly unknown origins is being passed off by every pervert from here to Japan as the real deal nude picture of the star of The Help, but “a source close to Emma is adamant” that this isn’t Emma. Whoever it is, as long as she doesn’t end up being some teenager that is going to lead to half of the men in America being arrested, she sure looks like Emma, and there’s always a career in porn for people like that.
All those tried and true excuses of walking cluelessly into a wall or taking an accidental stumble down the stairs have been pretty much eliminated by the omnipresence of security cameras. Back in the day, a man could teach his woman a lesson without concern for surveillance footage fucking up his go-to alibi. I bet Ray Rice hates cameras. And not just the instant replay cameras that confirm his ruled fumbles on the field. But those pesky closed circuit models in Atlantic City hotels. Like the one that caught him dragging his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator after witnesses claimed she spit on him so he uppercut her to the jaw. To be fair, I think several others saw it as a right jab. You’d be surprised just how unconscious a woman can become from even the most fleeting of punches from a ball player who can bench 400+. Ray’s lawyers had to shift their agreed upon lies once the videotape appeared, now asking the public to consider the fact that videotapes are merely 99.9% photo-accurate representations of reality, not a complete picture:
However, the video that’s being posted by TMZ Sports is not the complete event, but is merely the end result of what transpired. We’ll assure the public that when this matter is fully tried and completed, you’ll have a better understanding of what happened and we ask the public to reserve making any judgment until all of the facts come out.
Hell yeah you need to wait until all of the facts come out. Like maybe he feigned with his left before going with his right to the mandible. Did he know she had a glass jaw? Was that part of his corner’s game plan to take her to the mat? Plus I’m pretty sure we’re going to learn that she disrespected him. Everybody knows that’s no good. You’re not allowed access to the staircases in those hotels, so how else was he supposed to learn her a lesson? Personally, I’m reserving judgement like the man asked.
Those bikini girls famous on Instagram are back again. I can’t be bothered to figure out who is who. It’s like people with identical kids. I’m sorry you pumped the missus full of hormones and zoygotes, but that doesn’t make it my obligation to figure out which of your cross-eyed triplets is Kassidy. That’s not even a real name. Obviously, if I had a chance at either of these girls, I’d learn their names, favorite restaurants, and the minimum amount of foreplay they require before the sex that men care about can begin. But I don’t, so they’re just those two bikini girls famous on Instagram. You know how to Google while you masturbate, you look it up.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
After Victoria Beckham got done with her first few canned responses to insanely trite questions in Allure magazine, the former Spice Girl shifted the conversation to her titties because she understands pacing. Victoria begrudgingly copped to having implants earlier in her career, but found less need for them once she was wealthy and famous and had a professional athlete husband. Like a master politician, Victoria eased the chatter back into the world of banal inspirational muck that women love to scan in magazine callouts:
I was never a natural. I got there in the end because I did believe that if you work hard enough, then you can achieve a lot
Well, hard work and that big fake rack you had removed once you were set for life. Let’s not give the flat chested girls out there false hope about making it big through mere initiative.
Photo Credit: WENN
I’m trying hard to be more open minded about my traditional rock music playlists. I sampled an Atlas Genius song the other night and thought, man, this really wouldn’t be half bad with a glass of Merlot and my child abusing uncle’s dick in my ass. Yet, I can’t fathom Lady Gaga. I accept the appeal of the Madonna ripoff. Who doesn’t love catchy tunes about being feeling a tingle in your special place. But this doleful dramatic crap, who can this possibly be for? Outside of rich white girls stepping into the ether off of their boarding school roofs, is anybody cranking up this tune on their iPod?
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
Is there no limit to the cutting edge artistic expression for this auto-tuned platypus slash Maxim’s sexiest woman alive? To keep her Bangerz Tour frenzy at rabid monkey pace, Miley Cyrus took a pair of thong panties flung at her during her concert in Vancouver and began munching on them like she was some unbound primordial sexual beast. Or a prison inmate who two weeks ago mailed fifty hard earned dollars to a poorly aging Playboy Cybergirl. According to Miley, they tasted just like chicken, or lesbian Canadian teen vagina tasting chicken. At some point, a concerned group of parents are going to form a secret alliance and strangle Miley in her sleep. In court, they’ll demand that history be their judge and some of us will spend some real time noodling that over.
Photo Credit: Twitter
According to RadarOnline, Jake Gyllenhaal tarnished Taylor Swift by stealing her cherry then being a no-show to her 21st birthday party. Which only goes to show that girls who save their virginity for the special one are truly God’s little clueless lambs. The only man in the world who truly appreciates your virginity is your dad, and even in Tennessee you can’t legally save it for daddy. That leaves you with dudes who just want to bang the slop out of you with varying degrees of social obligation. When her prince and the only sword she’d ever known didn’t show up without so much as a call or text, Taylor sobbed like a middle school girl who just learned Justin Bieber is shorter than her.
Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.
But all was not lost along with her betrayed hymen, for the evening of waves and waves of vaginal sadness inspired Taylor to produce her RED album and the song ‘The Moment I Knew’ about a girl whose boyfriend doesn’t show up to her big birthday party so she locks herself in the bathroom and cries. Subtle. The album netted Taylor another fifty million clams or so, so she’s probably not going to get all that much sympathy on those websites where girls lament the lame dudes who took their maidenheads. Just look for the pink hued fonts.
Photo credit: INF Photos
Kim Kardashian backed her bastard baby daddy Kanye West by saying that TMZ only goes after them because they are racist. This past weekend Kanye went on one of his epic rants in which he said that the only reason that the media in general and TMZ in particular went after them is because they are ebony and ivory. Kim let TMZ know it saying,”It was very insightful.” I think the part of this that surprises me the most is that Kim knows the word ‘insightful’. Up until now I thought she only spoke in guttural moans and slurping fellatio onomatopoeia. It is possible one of her seventeen handlers assisted her with the lingo. Naturally, Kim is only partially correct. There is no doubt a media draw from the interracial nature of this romantic coupling. But as far as making them targets in the press, interracial probably falls to about about reason number eighteen just slightly behind kicker SEO terms such as celebrity, scandal, tits, Kardashian, Yeezus, anal, anal-to-mouth, jackass, midget, bad rap music, sex tape, self-promotion, and pulling a train in the Saints locker room.