James Franco Understands Mickey D’s

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 1:01 PM

James-Franco-in-The-Pineapple-Express

James Franco wrote an open letter to the Washington Post discussing his joyful time spent as a broke young actor in L.A. working the fry station at McDonald’s. It’s unclear why he wrote the letter, but weed and the potential for free McNuggets for the remainder of his life seems like a viable answer. In the last millennium, fast food restaurants were heavily staffed by teenagers working part time to pay for condoms and maybe some gas or beer money. Everybody was happy, including Franco who recalls the fast food joint as a great place to work while perfecting his obnoxious mugging gay baiting acting craft. I too remember working those joints. The ‘old guy dick manager’ was nineteen, maybe twenty if his prospects were lean. If somebody had a kid on the way, they stole six cartons of napkins and left to get a real job. Which sort of makes you wonder when Mickey D’s became such a den of labor injustice and impoverished career workers feeding used wrappers to their seven children to make ends meet. Probably about the same time somebody stood up and pretended they’d just discovered fast food was wildly unhealthy. The truth throws off so many otherwise righteous arguments that it’s much easier just to ignore it.

One of the options on the McDonald’s job applications is actually to not work for McDonald’s. I’d suggest checking that box if you think it’s the Great Satan. Test your children to find the strongest and feed the remaining six children to the winner. It’s crass, but at least your remaining offspring won’t be working the shake station at forty bitching about CEO pay.

Photo credit: Pineapple Express

Ass Selfies Are The New Tit Selfies And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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If you think about it, it takes a lot of skill to take an ass selfie. First, balance. Second, great ass. That’s it, but that’s s lot.

Check out these talented ass photographers. (The Chive)

Christina Milian’s topless silhouettes will make your tongue roll out like a cartoon wolf. (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan didn’t finish her community service hours because she had to drive too far. (TMZ)

Jennifer Lopez wore a tight, short, leather dress because she can. (Huffington Post)

Behold, Aubrey Plaza’s bikinied ass. (Drunken Stepfather)

There is no one I lust after more than Kate Upton. (Hollywood Tuna)

Megan Fox is a naughty, naughty school girl. (Popoholic)

(Photo Via The Chive)

Vagina Dad Banking the Dollars

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 11:16 AM

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According to RadarOnline who learns things rather than getting them on the record, Bruce Jenner is being paid $5 million guaranteed plus upside from E! television for the first season of Jenner’s show about entering womanhood. Like many heroes, Jenner wants to get richer for his good deeds. Remember when Captain America came ’round asking for a portion of syndication fees for battling Hydra? Well he would have if the job required he grow tits. Jenner has conspicuously cut Kris Jenner out of the new E! deal, denying her her ten percent managerial fee and her five percent I will fuck you up with my cunt laser protection fee. Watch your flank, Bruce. Rich bitches get stitches.

Photo Credit: ABC News

Joss Whedon Flees Feminists

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

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Joss Whedon denied he’s quitting Twitter because the feminist rage on all things cunty Avengers. He cited his own feminist bona fides in declaring that the million woman angry army on social media is not what drove him away. In fact, he only wishes he could do more for the cause:

For someone like me even to argue about feminism — it’s not a huge win. Because ultimately I’m just a rich, straight, white guy. 

Of all the bad luck. Rich straight white male. Four strikes against you before your first pitch. What hell hath heaven wrought on the forsaken. Whedon claims he simply needs to focus on his work, on his writing, in a room, far away, where vitriolic slogans written in menstrual juice aren’t thrown at his head because he wasn’t born an indigent lesbian of color. He apologized a few more times to the feminist trolls on Twitter whose lesbian lovers have positions of power in Hollywood and he left. Just like that. A cowardly self-loathing guy who happens to make pretty good Avengers movies. I’d call it a wash for dudes.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kylie Jenner Lied

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 9:35 AM

Kylie Jenner has confirmed to a breathless world that she did in fact have temporary fillers inserted into her lips. Previously, Kylie has denied having surgery to her underaged body because she has yet to shred her final ounce of shame and join the Kardashian coven as an ordained. Also, she’s been taught to repeat the line that Kardashians have to lie because people are super judgmental of them, naturally minus the millions of their encephalitic minions who blindly feed them cash and adulation. It’s kind of sick that young girls are getting cosmetic surgery to become more refined sexual objects, though if you think of it as a head start on getting where you’re going, she becomes a go-getter with moxie and big tits and lips. Tyga recently uttered the line that Kylie is ‘more mature than most adults‘, which is the statutory rapist lingo for, yep, we’re fucking. This can only end well.

Photo Credit: E!/Instagram

Devin Brugman And Natasha Oakley in Bikinis

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 9:00 AM

Devin Brugman And Natasha Oakley Wear Bikinis In Miami
No kid in second grade announces they want to grow up to have a nice ass in a thong and make men jerk themselves into some very poor decisions, which is why teachers ought to make that decision for them. The Taiwanese start sifting the smart from the not so smart by age nine. The high test score kids go to the super schools and study calculus and wear thick glasses and the not so smarts get handed a broom or a tight fitting pair of boy shorts and concubine training depending upon their looks. The stepping stones to victory are never smooth. Universal education is a slogan. Nature knows you don’t feed the weak.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Natalie Portman Seems Grounded

By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

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Things I learned from the Hollywood Reporter’s gushing interview with Natalie Portman: she’s insufferable. Bruce Jenner inquiring if he could have the clit off the woman he killed in the Lexus came off as more humble.

Portman has a ton of views on a ton of things all of which seem to be based on her desire to seem pretentious. She hates the right wing prime minister in Israel. She’s not super comfortable with the anti-Semitism in France but likens it to the way blacks are mistreated in America, so, zing. She missed the whole Charlie Hebdo assassinations because she was in Kenya touring the first school for girls built by Christian Dior. She can’t remember where she left her Oscar but disavows it as a false idol. She has no television, preferring books. Her ballet dancer husband is her greatest inspiration because he can still get it up for her if she uses her deep voice and tickles his prostate. Her son asks to go to the art museums after school rather than playing ball or video games because he’s even gayer than dad. French is a beautiful language she can’t read or speak so she insists on English at her Parisian dinner parties where everybody talks politics and the genome theory.

I feel like this country [United States] has a lot of religion and a lot of freedom around that; and there [France], the religion is almost like love. Love and intellectualism is their sort of way.”

I don’t know what that means, but I know I want to slap the organic pear shaving out of her hand. Portman spent the rest of the time discussing the movie she’s directing in ancient Hebrew or Aramaic or something that won’t ultimately matter since nobody outside of the Palm D’Or committee at Cannes will ever watch it. Fuck, I want to wash my soul out of with pumice. The only reason to move to Paris is because you’re fleeing rape charges or you really fucking love unpasteurized dairy products. Either way, we’re never sharing bunk beds. I think I used to like Natalie Portman. Now I just want to beat her with Gwyneth Paltrow’s colonic bag. Visit the no-go zones in Paris with a challah of understanding and report back. Your husband will dance a requiem in your honor.

 Photo credit: Getty Images

Tom Brady Guilty As Charged

By Matt May 07, 2015 @ 8:22 AM

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The NFL finally released their report on the ubiquitous and ultimately trivial Deflate Gate and found the Patriots are shady as fuck. The report comes just in time for nobody to give a shit anymore, since the NFL Draft just happened and the NBA Playoffs are in full swing and you’re still allowed to get drunk at baseball games for the time being. Tom Brady was singled out as being either involved or at least aware of deflation going on. The report notes a “material increase” in phone communication between Brady and two equipment managers shortly after the scandal went public. In short, Brady bribed two schlubs to deflate the balls with a few cell phone pics of his wife wasted on Peach Schnapps. The report doesn’t mince words, although stops short of directly accusing the Patriots but letting ownership off the hook because they go to the same golf course:

“We have concluded that it is more probable than not that New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the NFL Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate attempt to circumvent those rules… Based on the evidence, we also have concluded that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities…”

Of course it’s possible Tom Brady often talks to crusty equipment managers via text message yet they still acted alone. The texts don’t look good. Patriots equipment guy Jim McNally, who was born a few years too late for Watergate, sent the following:

“Tom sucks… I’m going to make this next ball a fuckin balloon.”

Look for absolutely nothing to happen in the wake of the report. The Patriots still won the Super Bowl and still make the NFL billions of bitcoins and American dollars. Tom Brady is like a goose that shits golden eggs. You give him a tap on the beak and tell him no cookies for a week. When in doubt, just remind everybody this isn’t even as close to as bad as when Belichick filmed his opponents practices or Aaron Hernandez killed a guy or three during his offseason workouts. Because that’s true!

Photo Credit: Twitter