Kendall Jenner Damage Control by Way of Lobster

By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Jenner

Kendall Jenner let it be widely known that she both paid her tab and tipped generously at a restaurant where she and her buddy racked up a $550 dinner bill. She threw down another $150 as a generous tip because, you know, Kendall Jenner’s middle name is generous. Which means everybody who had ‘whore’ in the middle name pool is out some coin.

Jenner’s clarion call to the world that she pays her restaurant tabs and tips like a rapper come a week after Jenner and Hailey Baldwin were accused of neglecting their N.Y.C. restaurant check  and then throwing cash in the street at the waitress who chased after them. An innocent person might normally apologize for any misunderstanding and maybe Tweet out the name of the restaurant and say how awesome the squid ink pasta was. A guilty person might overcompensate by immediately heading out to dinner again with the same friend, paying a large tab, leaving a noteworthy tip, and then having their publicist leak this information to media outlets that exchange journalistic integrity for celebrity access. The rest of her family seems to understand these overt acts admit guilt, which is why you don’t see Kris Jenner showing up to Fred Goldman’s house with a tray of fruit danish offering to help fix the rain gutters.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Tori Amos Is In Denial

By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 6:07 AM

Amos

Tori Amos had a rough time coming to grips with turning fifty, and in the process tricked herself into believing a bunch of her own bullshit. Amos said she was worried her performances would suffer as she got older and that she wouldn’t be able to ‘rock’ the people who listen to her on elevators and at Macaroni Grills. Amos came to the realization that musicians should keep playing well into their later years, and that you should not die a little every time you see Mick Jagger dancing around like an antique bobble head with a sock stuffed in his slacks.

“The last year has been a very challenging time for me, going from 49 to 50, for all kinds of reasons. And she [my daughter] was the one who said to me… ‘you have got to promise me that you’re going to get your head around this, because if you don’t get your head around this and you don’t go rock as hard as you did 20 years ago, what is your message to me, mom? You’re telling me that 50 isn’t as powerful as 30.”

When a 30 year old rock star slams back a few lines of coke and participates in an orgy in the clubhouse of Dodger Stadium its endearing. When you’re old enough to be a grandparent its just creepy. It’s good Amos is coming to terms with her age, but lets not pretend people will be shotgunning beers in the parking lot to go ballistic to the tune of a 50 year old lady playing piano. I’ll go ahead and say 30 is better than 50, but I look forward to a geriatric Amos attempting to stage dive off of her Hoveround and chasing backstage tequila shots with Ensure shakes.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Cara Delevingne Is The Lestat of Lesbians

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 2:22 PM

Cara Delevingne Celebrates Her Birthday In A Bikini On A Yacht In Ibiza
I don’t want to get too many rainbow painted eggs thrown at my house-car this weekend, but I’m pretty convinced that hot models can swing both ways as a matter of current fashion, while gay men are just born loving belts and cock. This leaves a lot of room for Michelle Rodriguez and her chief lesbian vampire lieutenant Cara Delevingne to roam the earth in search of mortal vagina. And they’re good at it too. Just look at this confident craftsman on board her vessel with a cigarette in her mouth and a big gay conquest plan in her heart.

Not every woman who has an inkling for scissor kissing needs the kind of boot camp Cara provides, but if you’re having doubts in your heart, toot, fucking toot, she’ll be picking your ass up on the Lesbian Polar Express to make you believe. The first gift of Christmas is going to be her legs wrapped around your face. And, no, Missy, that’s not hot cocoa.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash

Michael Brown Was the Convenience Store Robbing Kind of Saint (VIDEO)

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

While we’re decades past the era any news outlet is going to wait an entire several days to get an accurate story to report, maybe they could say something like ‘First! But, yeah, we are wrong 89% of the time.’ My crappy reporting is more accurate than cable TV news outlets and I don’t even try. Really, I don’t try at all.

Video surveillance released today shows the dead Ferguson teen, Michael Brown, described by friends and family as made of 100% warm and fuzzy and on his way to college, was actually the 6’4, 290 pound dude muscling a tiny convenience store owner in a petty robbery. Darren Wilson, the officer who shot Michael Brown, had no idea that Brown had just robbed a convenience store. Which fills in a nice missing piece for why Brown might have reacted violently to the police officer who was trailing him and telling him to get over to the sidewalk. A convenience store robbery certainly puts your Harvard chances at risk.

None of this has anything to do with asshole cops, racist cops, tanks in the streets, the justice system bias against minorities, civil rights, lady justice, or why the Raiders are allowed to still be an NFL franchise. It’s just another turd on the modern state of journalism. You can’t hold your turds in. You’ll end up like Elvis.

Chicago Blackhawks Let the Fatties Ruin Fun (VIDEO)

By Matt August 15, 2014 @ 12:39 PM

The Chicago Blackhawks responded to an online petition urging them to make their intermission show way less fun. Between periods, The Blackhawks select random fans to play Shoot The Puck, where you try to score a goal to win considerably mediocre prizes. They often pick good looking girls in heels to Shoot the Puck. Its funny to watch a chick in stilettos amble on ice and if you’ve got two minutes to please the mostly male crowd, why not pick the hot girl.

The petition calls for women of ‘All body types’, meaning fat, fatter, and comfortable with my curves, to be selected for the contest. The petition also demands that female members of the short skirts wearing Ice Crew start dressing like Boo Radley and be generally less sexually attractive. The revolutionaries also want the organist to stop playing a song called ‘The Stripper’, because it’s by its very nature offensive to people who hate fun. Finally, the petitioners want more non-fat frozen yogurt options at the concessions so they can pretend they’re dieting.

The Blackhawks have responded to the petition by pledging to put an end to The Stripper and to consider the other requests. This may not seem like a big concession, but it’s farther than the Native Americans got when requesting the hockey team stop using their sacred heritage to promote a sport invented by Canadians. This is because fat women are multiplying like Chipotle locations as the Native population ever dwindles. The income disparity between the BBWs and the Navajo is immense. These ladies will stop at nothing to make us pretend they are exactly like slender women, minus the exercise and self-control. Soon the Hawks will host a Positive Body Image Night where everyone will applaud as Rubenesque women drink liquid fudge out of the Stanley Cup. That’s actually kind of hot. I’d go to that. If they played The Stripper.

Alyssa Arce Poses In Lingerie

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

Alyssa Arce Poses In See Through Lingerie For Yume Magazine
Alyssa Arce is making the business rounds. She was caught coming off Justin Bieber’s boat in Cannes a couple weeks ago. Probably just laying down some background vocals with her vagina. In the old days a Playboy Playmate could expect a wealthy older man with real estate holding to make her his trophy bride. Times are constantly changing. Those guys want foreign girls now who come from a culture where when your husband tells you he’s found somebody younger and prettier to take your place, you drink a shot, shed a single tear, then go back to milking the llama.

Photo Credit: Yume Magazine

Gene Simmons Encourages Suicide And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 15, 2014 @ 11:27 AM

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Gene Simmons has a simple solution to people suffering from depression or who drink or do drug: kill yourself. While many of us can relate to the desire to tell unhappy sons of bitches to just go and end it, when they’re standing on the stepladder with the homemade noose, not many of would actually yell “Jump, you fucking pussy!”.

Read what a guy who wears demon makeup has to say about psychiatry. (Huffington Post)

Jessica Alba lacy panties flashing full upskirt. A fine place to dine! (Egotastic)

Someone fucked up on a Downton Abbey promotional shoot and left a water bottle on set. (Dlisted)

Tiny-peen troll Justin Bieber is likely banging Selena Gomez again. (The Superficial)

Audrina Partridge is still alive and looks smoking hot in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sveva Alviti in a tiny tiny black bikini. You’re welcome. (Celebslam)

Emmanuelle Chriqui’s deep cleavage is ridiculous. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kendra Wilkinson On Top, Or Is She?

By Lex August 15, 2014 @ 11:05 AM


Kendra Wilkinson has a new reality show coming on one of the seventeen ladies channels I’ve previously deleted from my remote channel lineup lest I accidentally grow tits and a fondness for grapefruit. The show’s called Kendra On Top, which I suppose is a multi-layered play on words related to the fact that’s how she made her way up in the business, or that she’s the dominant figure in her social sphere, or maybe it just randomly tested well with the 22-49 female demo that got free cheese sandwiches to sit for an hour in a marketing agency testing room. Fortunately for the show, Kendra’s husband got conjugal outed by a tranny hooker while his wife was eight months pregnant. Suddenly, the show has a real hook.

In the previews for the show, Kendra equates learning of her husband’s jock-on-cock infidelities to being shot by a bullet, repeatedly, right in her fake tits. It’s certainly evocative. She mentions that her marriage is down the drain and that she even flushed her wedding rings down the toilet to emphasize the metaphor. The last time a trailer park stripper who had to bone a creepy old man to get her first break in life flushed jewelry down a toilet was never. But I appreciate the dramatic scripting.

It’s hard to blame Kendra for any of this mess. If you’re a dude who can’t stop thinking about greasing up the male boner, you ought sneak that nugget out to your wife before you make two babies inside of her. She still might let you, but at least she’ll be able to time her reality show tears more precisely.