Victoria’s Secret 2014 Fashion Show British Style

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Victoria Secret 2014 Fashion Show
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Shall Overcome

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

Taylor Swift Performs In Wonderbra At Victoria Secrect Fashion Show In London
It’s easy to denigrate Taylor Swift. It’s far harder to look deep into the soul of a young woman and see a maturing artist struggling to define her persona. I think. I was mostly looking at her tits. And wondering if she’s getting it on with that tall anorexic model chick she bunks with after workouts most evenings. Taylor obviously took the criticism from last year that she didn’t belong on a lingerie show runway by wearing some intimate apparel Angie Dickinson once donned in seventeen different movies in the 1960′s. She’s got a better body than most women, yet there remains something childish about her that keeps the pastor dad from 7th Heaven asking her if she wants a cookie and to help him make his magic wand grow. Next year I’d go with some crotchless panties and a Slayer concert tee. It’ll seem more natural.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty/AKM-GSI

Kourtney Kardashian Nude, Pregnant, Bloated

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 8:16 AM

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Kourtney Kardahian posed nude while pregnant for a magazine nobody reads because her body is beautiful according to herself. Getting out there with your ass freshly drizzled in KY is a clear ploy for attention. Covering yourself in shit you got from Anthropologie and staring solemnly out of a non-existent window as your gut is distended leads only to praise from women who identify as pregnant. Kardashian posited a mostly nonsensical explanation for her motivation:

“I wanted to do something that felt authentic to me rather than being pushed in a certain direction by somebody else. The appeal was to be involved in something I would say I had more control over than other photo shoots. No one telling me this is how you’re going to look and how you’re going to pose. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to show my children these photographs one day and say, ‘This was you inside.’”

Yes, that’s why you did this. So you’re children could someday share in your topless nativity moment guys with pregnant fetishes are currently developing carpal tunnel syndrome over. Why not have a screening and show them their aunt’s film work so they can see how a lady does or does not make babies with ejaculate. If you’re going to fuck them up with your weird pointless self-interested shit, go hog wild. Just have some compassion and one day donate them to The Duggars so they can be saved in the next life.

Photo Credit: DuJour Magazine

50 Cent Has Bank Account Frozen

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 7:55 AM

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50 Cent is unable to access his personal bank account because his wages are being garnished. Cent owes Sleek Audio $17 million dollars because he lost a lawsuit to them in a convincing blowout. They claim he stole their headphone design and tried to market a similar product as a 50 Cent original. They are making remarkable strides in headphone technology these days, like making them bigger and different colors and naming them after rappers. Sleek must have patented a new shade of black or original avenue of ripping off Dr. Dre’s idea. According to 50′s people he still has access to his business accounts in which he holds strong futures in cheap champagne and Valtrex. 50 is appealing the fine and the guys from Sleek are holed up in a Vegas hotel room with a handle of Jim Beam wondering why 50 Cent doesn’t subscribe to the Harvard Code of business ethics.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Xzibit Arrested On Wedding Night

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 7:33 AM

X

Omnipresent sometimes rapper Xzibit was issued a DUI after leaving his wedding reception. I’m no prude, but you may not want to get behind the wheel on the drunkest night of your life. Particularly if you are a rapper hanging out in Laguna Beach. I’m not saying the cops out there are profiling black guys, but everybody not a suburban teen hates a rapper. Given the exorbitant costs of the modern wedding, an Uber should fit nicely into your budget whether you’re a hip hop mogul or forklift operator. Particularly when you most likely rented a leopard print Maserati for the night to do donuts in the parking lot of the reception hall. DUIs are increasingly expensive but Xzibit should be able to cover the cost with royalties from his hit songs which may or may not have ever existed.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Taylor Swift Pulls Power Move

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:49 AM

Hart

Taylor Swift has reportedly blacklisted Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Hart from their annual Parade of hot chicks prancing around in stupid shit. This comes after Hart made some disparaging comments about her, according to an anonymous Insider who could easily be a bored coked up janitor who works for the venue:

“No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”

Swift lip synched a few numbers at last year’s display, and following her performance Hart was asked if she thought Swift had the talent to make it as a Victoria’s Secret girl:

“No… I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she’s great. But, I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”

That might seem tame but represents the first complete sentence Hart has ever spoken. For Swift it must be rough. You’re used to being the hot chick all the gay guys fawn over and one night a year you’re the ugliest and most talented person in the room. Being hot and mostly useless outside of your renowned walking ability is a much better way of life. Hart underestimated Swift’s dark side. They always hate you because you’re beautiful.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Chick Who Banged 10,000 Dudes Wants One Husband

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:19 AM

GM

Gwyneth Montenegro is an Australian former escort who wrote a book about banging over 10,000 guys. It was published some months back but the buzz fizzled out when people realized those are pedestrian numbers for a sex worker. She is now on a fresh media front telling anyone who will listen she is looking for a husband. She claims to have recently received 80 marriage proposals from giggling eighth grade boys having sleepovers.

Montenegro’s profile is as follows: She claims to be 36 years old and appears to be well into menopause. She is a licensed commercial pilot who you pray never helms one of your flights. Also, she has fucked 10,000 dudes. Even if you’re not the jealous type that’s a lot. When you’re a single chick in her thirties the best case scenario is you married your high school sweetheart with a micro penis and lived happily together before he was whisked out to sea in a tsunami. The shear logistics of a six digit number would instill some fear in even the most capable gentleman, and the more inquisitive type might wonder what effect this had on your vaginal emotions . That being said there are plenty of eligible bachelors out there. Just a heads up: When you write a book about riding enough dick to to fill Wimbledon, guys might find it incomprehensible when you don’t put out on the first date. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but you’re no angel yourself.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Terry Crews Apologizes For Men, We’re All Good Now

By Lex December 02, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Terry-Crews-on-The-View

You can read Vassar senior theses, peruse Jezebel forums, and decipher limericks Lena Dunham scribbles on the bathroom stall with her period blood that are simply hilarious, devour it all, the roots of modern feminism lay in the unapologetic neutering of the archetypal male. Such mass castration requires the diligent use of crude stereotypes and sweeping generalizations that renders every man as either the bumbling idiot caveman in TV sitcoms or the raping abusive boyfriend protected by the cult of professional sports. Sort of like how Mexicans now can be Chicano drug dealers or hardworking dishwashers thanks to progressive social memes. It also means that boys bearing any sign of masculine aggression or unrest need to be medicated stat. How can you learn the evil that is penis when all you can think about is dominating at kickball during recess?

Terry Crews took part in the recent What Makes A Man 2014: Maps to Manhood conference in Toronto. Just speaking this symposium name aloud allows you to feel the cold steel blade of masculinity in retreat slicing beneath your ball sack. According to the conference organizers, it’s ‘time to draw new maps to manhood’. Apparently, the maps of the past three million years didn’t work out so well, which is why apes riding horses continue to keep us in shackles and shriek hysterially when we speak English. The conference offered up numerous awesome lectures on how screwed up men are like:

WARPED IDEAS OF SUCCESS: Exploring how the ‘Pursuit of being The Man’, leads to toxic situations in various walks of life from the boardroom to the locker room.

For the 99.9% of you who don’t spend your days in a boardroom or a locker room, just imagine this applies to you and understand how tossing your UPS deliveries onto doorsteps might just be tantamount to rape.

The conference featured a keynote speech from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Old Spice commercial muscleman, Terry Crews. Who better to espouse how rotten men are than a former football player himself. who never actually did anything rotten:

What it is is that we’re talking about gender equality, true gender equality…but the problem is that men have always felt like they’re more valuable…I have been that guy where I felt I was more valuable than my wife and kids.

Thanks, Terry. I’m pretty sure you speak for all of us by sheer force of announcing you speak for all of us. You can do this kind of mass generalization when speaking to crowds who are apt to feel good about mass generalizing when it works in their favor. An ‘you know what chicks who support Planned Parenthood are like’ phrasing probably would’ve been met with a riot.

It’s MAN CODE, dude. Man Code! C’mon.”…but does Man Code work when it’s your daughter who gets raped? Man Code—does that work when your mom gets abused?

Rape culture bingo! Terry just filled out his card. How are you going to feel when acting like a man gets your daughter raped and your mom beaten up? Because that is surely what’s going to happen when you go to Buffalo Wild Wings with your buddies and high five after an Aaron Rodgers touchdown pass. I wish Terry Crews wasn’t so much bigger and stronger than me so I could punch him in the ignorance. But he is, so he goes on, first to compare masculinity to Taliban and ISIS thinking (topical!) then to ringing in the tired slavery and civil rights analogies:

The people who were silent at the lunch counters, when it was the black lunch counter and the white one or the schools were segregated…and you were quiet. You were accepting it. Same thing with men right now. If you don’t say anything, you are, by your silence—it’s acceptance. I’m not going to be silent.

Silent about what? The small percentage of predatory and abusive men who bully, badger, and even assault women? The numbers of such crimes happen to be way down in this country because other men predominantly have voted for harsh sentencing and three strikes laws that have buried these sociopaths in prison. Evil masculine men know what to do with predators and abusers of women. We used to shoot them, until that was made not so legal.

Quite coincidentally, Terry Crews is selling a book about how to be a modern man, like the kind who work in network television and get paid handsomely to be cute and non-threatening muscle bound black men in endorsements. I’m sure that has nothing to do with Terry’s new immersion into male apologetics. He probably read XO Jane and had an awakening to the righteous path.

Photo credit: Getty Images