Maria Fernanda Quiroz Taking Jobs Americans Won't Do

Mexican TV really is the best. It's like they polled one hundred undocumented workers outside Home Depot as to what they liked to watch when they get home in the evening. So you get twelve-year old girls in sexy dresses crooning country ballads, telenovelas featuring chicks in heels beating the crap out of each other, and a midget in a devil costume whacking fat guys on the knees with an oversized foam mallet.read more

Laura Jane Grace Burns Birth Certificate (VIDEO)

North Carolina is among the stalwarts who believe you can legislate against the social acceptance of boys being girls or girls being boys. The dick wants what the dick wants. Whether that be boning the counter girl at Arby's missing her left front tooth or lopping that fucker off and going by Nancy.read more

Rob Kardashian Stuck

There's the look. That moment you realize you knocked up a stripper and she's taking selfies with some random dude that used to finger her for ten bucks at the downtown establishments.read more

Calvin Klein Pedo Bear Bucks and Kesha's Rape Love Songs on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #45 (AUDIO)

On this week's Last Men on Earth podcast, Matt and I tackled the tough subjects of vegans seduced by meat, Calvin Klein seducing the underraged, Gwyneth Paltrow cash seduction by way of gold plated dildos, and Ronan Farrow and Kesha refusing to let go of their criminally unfounded rape charges. Ronan Farrow is a dude. It took me a while to figure that out as well.read more

Emma Thompson Wants Young Chicks Off Her Front Lawn

Emma Thompson is pissed that Hollywood is employing social media stats to drive much of their current casting. This as opposed to the long standing tradition of casting the actress who will fuck Michael Bay the roughest on his black leather divanread more

Stella Maxwell Side Boob And Shit Around The Web

Stella Maxwell is an Irish hottie with a penchant for taking off her clothes. Her tits are small but satisfying. Like an appetizer. Entree requires lesbian credentials. Find those embarrassing photos from your freshman year.read more

Susan Sarandon Settles On a New Rack

Susan Sarandon made a statement at the Cannes Film Festival by showing up on the red carpet dressed in a dude's tuxedo and flat shoes. Cannes has had a long tradition of enforcing a dress and heels only policy for women attending their numbingly elitist French film event. Why not protest somebody's invite-only private party by dissing the dress code?read more

Eiza Gonzalez First in Line

When Trump speaks of the big door in the magnificent wall at the Southern border letting in all the good people, presumably he's speaking of chicks like Eiza Gonzalez. Quit being dodgy. Make it clear that the small fraction of the Mexican population not requiring an underwire bra gets in first.read more

Eliza Dushku Ass First in the Mr. Skin Minute (VIDEO)

Turning thirty-five isn't the best time to decide you don't want the camera revealing your tits. You get that kind of leverage when you're twenty and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a lock for syndication windfall. This is the kind of shit you think about when you get into the bowels of Mr. Skin. It's not rocket science, but it makes for more pleasant conversation than where cock and balls can tinkle.read more

Hailey Baldwin Fractured

Hailey Baldwin's metatarsal snaps every reckless evening she spends with Justin Bieber. It's a more virulent strain of chlamydia. Bieber keeps tossing Stephen Baldwin VIP concert tickets to keep him from connecting his daughter's STD stigmata to Leviticus.read more

Azealia Banks Suspended

Twitter suspended Azealia Banks for a bunch of anti-Muslim rants at former One Direction band member Zayn Malik. She despises him being half Pakistani, being Muslim, being white pretending to be black, being a "sand nigger", coming from England where people have fucked up teeth, and posing as a tough guyread more

Vita Sidorkina Portraits in Bare Ass

If you're parsing the fine line between 'hot' and 'willing' you have very little understanding of the Russian culture. Most notably, get the fuck out of Russia. There are no Refuseniks. Only unambitious people and the girls with scoliosis that they date.read more

Jennifer Nicole Lee in A Bikini

There are certain signs you're never going to catch on in the social media age. Or just one sign. You're over twenty-five. In this dystopian Instagram age, you're dead as soon as you stop growing. Anatomically. Who shall sing at your funeral? No, sorry, not Whitney. She knew better than to stick around and watch middled age marginalized ramp up to numb disdain on Paxil.read more

Elsa Hosk Nip Slips And Shit Around The Web

Sometimes the God of Tits is kind and blesses us with a nip slip from a serious hottie like Elsa Hosk. It's moments like this that keep me believing.read more

Charlotte McKinney Is Simply Trying Harder

Somewhere on this chick's wall is a three year plan to completely take out Kate Upton. We're in year two. Upton exposed her vulnerable flank when she declared she didn't wish to be viewed as a sex object and didn't provide any reasonable alternative. Also, Verlander cum was dripping down her cheek during her announcement. Visuals are key in politics.read more