Prom Chick Fights Crime With Cleavage

By Matt June 10, 2015 @ 6:28 AM

PROM

Like most young people today Kyemah McEntyre has suffered a persistent dull aching oppression which can’t be articulated but everyone’s a survivor now. That used to mean narrowly escaping the gas chamber but is now applied to those who are tormented at school for being either too thin or fat or having too small or large of a cock. It doesn’t matter. You’re a victim. Check a box. Kyemah McEntyre is no different. She is being commended for designing her own prom dress to empower herself against her ubiquitous tormenters who crawl out of their trailer parks every day to fuck with the popular kids with the perky boobs. She explained via Instagram:

“This is for always being labeled as, “ugly” or “angry”. Thank God, stereotypes are just opinions. – Kyemah McEntyre”

Did you just quote yourself? How does that work? And just because I’m not dead yet why can I not build a gaudy two story monument for myself in the cemetery? Given this is a prom dress I’m not sure whether McEntyre has yet turned 18. So I’m not sure if she did a great job my making that dress or if those boobs are screaming at me to be a better man. Fuck it, it’s graduation. I commend her for her courage which is code for brandishing her tits. I think if I wait a few months I can safely start harassing her on Facebook without being considered a creep. More of a creep.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Beyonce Finally Paying Attention To Herself

By Matt June 09, 2015 @ 11:59 AM

BEY

Beyonce went on Good Morning America after having stated she was going to announce some major news such as a new album or a third tit but it turned out to be a lie in the name of self promotion. The announcement was that she had been on a vegan diet for 22 days and is starting a vegan meal delivery business with personal trainer Marco Borges. Then she posted a bunch of photos of herself in a swimsuit and called her landscaper a pervert. Her shitty behavior came as a shock to the cat ladies who worship her although they have yet to realize she’d spit on them in an elevator. She had sanctimoniously promoted the appearance heavily on her website with such teasers as:

“Tomorrow morning Beyonce has something amazing she wants you to know. You’re gonna love it.”

It seems Beyonce doesn’t have much respect for her fans, which makes sense because nobody else does either. You’ve got to have a lot of nerve to promote the fact that you’re going to be promoting a side business aimed at your cotton candy eating constituents. No word on whether Beyonce will stick with the vegan diet or if she even knows what that is or just signed a notarized document promising her more money. The meals come in a week’s supply and cost between $9.76-$16.50 each. That’s a lot of money for something you could feed to your turtle. I’m rooting for this business to crash and burn like a vegan after walking a flight of stairs. Beyonce is now promoting an event where you get to wait in line and hand her money. Actually her assistant but you can smell her flats. That’s a lot of burgers.

Photo Credit: Beyonce.com 

 

 

Celebrity Wife Swap Daughter Checks Out

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 11:33 AM

Victoria-Siegel-Dies

Nobody gives a shit about the mounting deaths in reality show families because everybody is getting paid. Similar to when NFL retirees roll up in wheelchairs thinking it’s still 1974 and the NFL gives them a bag of Otis Spunkmeyer cookies and a pat on their newly exposed fontanelles and convinces them the back door is the entrance to much needed medical care.

David Siegel is that Florida timeshare magnate whose trophy wife Jackie fingers her twat while changing his colostomy bag in exchange for seven figure tips. The two were featured in a TV doc on Bravo called the Queen of Versailles about Jackie’s goal to build a house so fucking huge that her husband couldn’t hear her gang-banging the Latino help. The couple moved on to ABC’s Wife Swap, which removes all the sex from exchanging spouses for a week and insists there’s something left worth watching. Now their eighteen year old daughter who struggled with addiction is dead at one of their mansions. Mom Jackie is asking for privacy which is naturally after working day and night to put the family in the public spotlight.

When attractive young rich blond girls die, you have to blame their parents. There’s no where else to look. If the ISIS platform includes beheading all reality TV parents, I just might vote for them in the next election. Provided we get to watch.

Blac Chyna Oiled Up

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 10:33 AM

Blac Chyna Oiled Up Thong Clad Booty
Each time the Kardashians host an event involving Tyga, his baby mama Blac Chyna lathers up her ass and posts ‘daddy come home’ pictures. In terms of crazy bitches be crazy behavior, it’s not off the charts. Show the old man what he’s missing by ditching you and fucking a seventeen year with stripper tits and a complete lack of humility. A jacked up greasy ass isn’t the sales hook it once was. Think about holding up a GED or perhaps a proof of life of your joint child nobody’s seen in six months. Inspire your man to come home. Google ‘murder suicide’ on somebody else’s computer if you want to preserve your legacy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Rents Out Staples Center

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Kim Rents Out Staples Center For Kanye's Birthday
Kim Kardashian went deep pockets for Kanye West’s birthday, renting out Staple’s Center and organizing a basketball game for Kanye and friends Tyga and Justin Bieber and NBA stars John Wall and James Harden. John Legend sang the National Anthem because patriotism and paychecks go hand in hand. Kim smeared her labia majora across different surfaces of the arena creating a Dora the Explorer set of clues for Kanye to find his second birthday gift, her younger sisters to fuck. It’s not incest if you’re not blood. Check your bible. Duggar recommended verses.

The price tag to take over Staples is $110K which is an expensive birthday gift except in the event E! is paying for it out of production dollars. Previously the couple rented out AT&T Park for their engagement party and are taking over Disneyland for their daughter’s second birthday. You could see this as gross excess or just be happy these incorrigible whores won’t be ruining your kids Chuck E. Cheese party. It’s all about containment. Ebola is only a problem when it’s not isolated. Try not to step directly into the bloody stools. It’s not like the Lakers need the place.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lady Gaga Tits Both Offend and Heal

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 9:29 AM

Lady Gaga Wears Pasties In England
Britain was aghast after Lady Gaga received Prince Harry following a charity show in London wearing nothing but her see-through stage costume. Also present in the meeting were Elton John and Tony Bennett, both of whom seemed oblivious to Gaga’s tits. Prince Harry took the whole moment in stride as a man does after he’s witnessed the murder of numerous Vegas hookers who just couldn’t keep their mouths shut. Gaga took to Instagram to reflect on the burden of her mortal tasks:

“During all the long car rides, I dream about my former life. Walking freely down the streets. And then, in a moment I am deeply grateful. With all this attention now, what will I say. How will I change the world. What will my music contribute to humanity,”

That’s a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders. Even Jesus caught a nap up on the cross. Don your most fabulous costumes and look to the Southern skies, The Rapture is coming. Ignore the fact that it sounds an awful lot like Madonna in the early 90′s.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Spike TV Scurries from Caitlyn Jenner Joke

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Clint-Eastwood-and-Dwayne-Johnson-Guys-Choice-Awards

If you’re looking for another lamentable sign of the times, SpikeTV has chosen to delete a Clint Eastwood zing regarding Caitlyn Jenner from the broadcast version of their Guy’s Choice Awards. Naturally, guys would choose not to make Caitlyn Jenner jokes. I’ve hardly heard more than twenty thousand the past couple of weeks.

During the taping [of the Guy's Choice Awards], while presenting “San Andreas” star Dwayne Johnson with a special award, Eastwood compared Johnson to other athletes-turned-actors like “Jim Brown and Caitlyn Somebody.”

Caitlyn-somebody? Shiver me fucking timbers. Tranny wars have been started over less offensive diatribes. Caitlyn Jenner is the third rail of vagina politics. You can’t even discuss her in anything but a turd polished light or you will be carted off to the re-education camps. That’s both alarmist and true. I’m assuming this has to bother some people, even if dissent is limited to Soviet era whispers with the shades down and Autograph cranked up on the phonograph.

Fuck that. Not me. I’ll keep fighting. Until that fifteen bucks an hour thing kicks in at Mickey D’s and I can do better slinging fries. Everybody has their price. Mine is fifteen bucks an hour. Yes, I speak some Spanish, why do you ask?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Miley Cyrus Naked With A Pig

By Matt June 09, 2015 @ 8:11 AM

CYRUS

Miley Cyrus posed naked with her pet pig on the cover of Paper Magazine. You might remember Paper from photoshopping Kim Kardashian’s implanted ass on it’s cover and then claiming it broke the Internet even though the Internet still worked fine and as proof several people remarked how she looked fat on Twitter. The issue is titled Use Your Voice and will focus on Cyrus’ humanitarian efforts including her Happy Hippy Foundation which aims to help homeless youth and provide blow jobs for struggling rappers. It seems Cyrus is out and about often so I don’t understand how she has time to care for a pet pig. Cut to her Guatemalan housekeeper snow shoveling shit off a marble floor every quarter hour. Cyrus may not know what’s best for this pig. It’s a filthy animal. The pig is pretty gross too. I’m sure there’s foundation aimed as rescuing animals from being cooped up in a drug den in the Valley. Unfortunately I highly doubt any of their supporters are cover material. Look for her twat to appear in next month’s Penny Saver. Do you smell bacon?

Photo Credit: Paper Magazine