By Travis May 06, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Like most good American relationships, June Shannon and Mike Thompson met online almost a decade ago, and shortly after they met up in person for some carefree, unprotected sex. Luckily for them, the result was Alana Thompson, AKA Honey Boo Boo Child, and just a few years later, they’d all be making millions of dollars for being one of the most beloved and loathed redneck families to grace our televisions.
Famously known as Mama June and Sugar Bear, Shannon and Thompson finally tied the knot yesterday at a small reception for friends and family in Georgia, and of course the cameras were rolling for the upcoming season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Everyone in attendance was asked to wear either camouflage or hot pink, and despite their best efforts, no one showed up with shotgun and rifles.
June told People Magazine that the couple chose to keep the ceremony low-key because it was about “the focus on the family and my commitment to Sugar Bear”. And if they spent a lot of the wedding, they wouldn’t have enough money left to buy their matching El Caminos and lifetime supply of Mountain Dew.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
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By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 9:23 AM
My great Uncle Sal invented the windswept toupee. It was a pre-tousled toupee that men could wear wear out in inclement weather so their hair would look more native to the conditions. Then that bastard Sy Sperling invented fake hair implants and the toupee business died. So did my Uncle Sal, a broken and busted man. We buried him in his windswept toupee at an outdoor funeral. I’m thinking back to Uncle Sal while watching Victoria Beckham try out the new ‘pleasantly surprised’ face they gave her to look more upbeat in public settings. It’s very lifelike. Even the paparazzi bylines read ‘Victoria Beckham looks pleasantly surprised at a Paris boutique’. And don’t think the husband in this equation won’t benefit from the new mouth agape pose on this custom facial setting. Science continues to improve lives, one super rich person at a time.
By Travis May 06, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Erin Heatherton. Jessica Gomes. Bar Refaeli. Kate Upton. Charlize Theron. Olivia Wilde. Miranda Kerr. Mila Kunis. Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Malin Akerman. Ashley Benson. Emma Stone. Zoë Saldana. Chrissy Teigen. Brooklyn Decker. Chanel Iman. Marisa Miller. Behati Prinsloo. Eva Mendes. Rashida Jones. Irina Shayk. Beyonce. Adriana Lima. Blake Lively. Freida Pinto. Rosie Jones. Kelly Brook. Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman. Emilia Clarke. Keira Knightley. Vanessa Hudgens. Amber Heard. Selena Gomez. Katy Perry. Scarlett Johansson. Victoria Beckham. Jennifer Lawrence. Emma Watson. Ashley Greene. Alana Blanchard. Alessandra Ambrosio. Julianne Hough…
Those are all just names that I thought of off the top of my head in the split second after Miley Cyrus revealed on Twitter that Maxim named her No. 1 on this year’s Hot 100 list. After those and probably a few dozen more, and after I walked down the street and pointed to random women and objects, I’d then possibly mention Miley.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Lex May 05, 2013 @ 11:51 PM
I feel like the people who attack Justin Bieber need better training. This last dude today rushed the stage in Dubai and tried to pull Justin away from pretending to play the piano right in the middle of Believe. He couldn’t even shut Justin the fuck up and he broke a perfectly good piano. Now he’s in the hands of some Middle Eastern country’s police. So, he’s going to lose a nut or a limb and for what? Justin is 5’4 and barely pushing 120 lbs on a day when he’s not too angry to eat. This isn’t that hard, people. Whack. Slam. Wait for plea for mercy in Canadian accent. Stomp.
By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 6:17 PM
“I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he’s a really talented man and he’s putting something good into the world.” — Gweyneth Paltrow
Wow, that sounds like such a big fat lie from a lying liar who likes to lie a lot. Then again, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average person. She’s better. Mirrors stretch just to catch her reflection. The soap bubbles actually sing to her in the shower. Babies, well, babies fucking hate her. But she’s still very special. Also, she’s obviously never heard Coldplay before.
By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 5:14 PM
Audrina Patridge has the mental processing power of bubble wrap, but she’s super good looking, which makes that first part irrelevant. Yes, attractive people always succeed and the world is unfair and blah blah blah. Suck it up, ugly people. When people pay attention to you, you’ll know it means they really like you as a person, not just a virtual fucktoy. So, there’s that.
Here’s Audrina in STNDRD magazine. They spell about as well I do.
Photo Credit: Stndrd Magazine
By Jack May 03, 2013 @ 3:40 PM
A teen in North Carolina had her picture pulled from her high school yearbook because it was of her…and her son. Caitlin Tiller and her classmates were told to bring a prop that symbolized how they’d achieved the goal of graduation. Perhaps a football, a laptop, or a bong was more fitting than a little person that you pushed through your meat curtains. Caitlin said of her one-year-old son, “He helped me get to where I am today.” How a mistake conceived in the parking lot of a Chili’s helped her pass that trig final is a mystery. The school pulled the photo because they were afraid that it promoted teen pregnancy. I don’t know. I’m looking at Cailin and that baby and this might be the seven seconds of the day I’m actually not thinking about sex. Maybe the yearbook staff can take a picture of the 16-year-old mom and baby and put it on a condom wrapper you get with every yearbook. Boner killer win.
By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 3:15 PM
Myla Sinaaj is the chick who kind of looks a bit like Kim Kardashian who Kris Humphries ran to after he became the last person on the planet to realize that his wedding to Kim Kardashian was nothing more than a cynical plot to make money. Yes, she has brunette hair and big tits like Kim. Apparently, she’s also a whackadoo.
She’s a habitual liar and dates guys and when they want to leave she claims she’s pregnant or will kill herself.
— quote from Myla’s ex, courtesy of StarzUncut.com
I’m beginning to think Kris Humphries might just be a dumb fuck. I’m not sure what he got out of the divorce settlement with Kim Kardashian last week, but it was probably two sacks of Circus Peanuts and a red balloon. And he probably thought he won.
Here’s Mylaa on the beach this week in New Jersey modeling bikinis. Modeling in New Jersey just confirms she’s nuts.
Photo Credit: PCN