Boston Marathon Bomber Guilty

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 1:42 PM

Guy-with-Sign-Outside-Tsarnaev-Trial

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was found guilty on all thirty charges of pressure cooker bombing the Boston Marathon in 2013. His older brother killed in the manhunt after the attack seemed to be the junior jihadi mastermind while Dzhokhar was probably the cowardly go-along sack of shit with not much else going on in his life. A lot of trouble could’ve been saved if the cops who found the younger brother would’ve offed him during his arrest. Police these days don’t seem super reticent to shoot, maybe a couple more slugs in this wayward little fellow would’ve saved everybody a whole lot of effort and bad memories. The White House won’t call this a terrorist attack, maybe an unfortunate cooking equipment related disaster, but it was clearly designed to kill and maim innocent men, women and children. Closure and justice remain two completely mythical salves without any real world application. Nobody’s going to be cured of their misery when this guy’s given bad ecstasy and made to watch Rihanna videos or however it is they humanely put down death row inmates these days. The guy with the binder clipped sign beat me to the rest.

Photo credit: Holly Bailey on Twitter

Sarah Stage Pregnant With Abs

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

Sarah Stage Pregnant With Abs
When you’re feral and roaming the wasteland and an outlander from across the great sea asks you when the apocalypse began, remind them of the time that model chick started posting her third trimester six pack pregnancy abs on Instagram. Millions of large pregnant women sucking on cliches about eating cheesecake for two went into a stampede causing a dust storm that circled the stratosphere and killed our ability to produce soy based meat substitutes. All the pretty women rolled themselves up in their yoga mats until asphyxiated and we decided to launch the nuclear arsenal because why the fuck not. Now, we survivors wipe our asses with unsold copies of Rolling Stone and pray the crickets hop into our traps. I bet the baby’s suffering. She seems like a horrible mom.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Anne Hathaway Lip Syncs (VIDEO)

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 12:29 PM

Anne Hathaway miming Miley Cyrus is not as shocking as learning there’s a show called Lip Sync battle on Spike. Isn’t Miley Cyrus lip syncing her own songs already? Did everyone at the last Spike creative meeting try to hide in the back until the Chipotle arrived? I’m left with only questions when all I wanted was to pretend that karaoke was better left to the drunk girls in accounting. C’mon, Spike. I’m prepared to drill down five more layers in MMA. I’ll watch Thai boys beat each other with sticks. A bobcat just ate a shark. Bring back motorcycles on ice. I think my balls just cried. I’d like a written apology.

Photo Credit: Spike TV

Kanye Settles Out Of Court And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 08, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kanye West settled his battery case with pap Daniel Ramos with a hand shake, an apology, and some unknown shit load quantity of money. Everybody in the legal community kind of agreed that as hard as it was to imagine, Kanye was a bigger shit stain than even an airport paparazzi.

Read all about how good Kanye’s lawyers are. (TMZ)

Jessica Davies gets buck naked just for you, you lucky bastard. (Egotastic)

Paris Hilton wears a see-through dress, still has lazy eye. (Huffington Post)

Kendall Jenner Snapchats in a bikini because that bitch does NOTHING all day. (Drunken Stepfather)

Dani Thompson has HUUUUGGGGEEE tits, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

Barbara Fialhos sports some lingerie for your viewing pleasure. (Popoholic)

Butts, asses, thumpers, and bottoms. In other words, lots of photos of lady cheeks. (The Chive)

Giuliana Rancic Truth Shamed

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Giuliana Rancic Goes On Today Show
Giuliana Rancic is on a media tour explaining how her sixteen inch waist is the result of her Jamba Juice guy mistakenly replacing her mango with ipecac. Also, she’s blaming the Fashion Police editors for making her look like a plantation owner with remarks about Zendaya’s dreadlock extensions after the Oscar’s. Kelly Osbourne had time in between bouts of spinning to the ground in a pool of her own vomit to make sure cutting teens of the world knew her feelings about Rancic’s veracity. Last month Osbourne quit her E! job because of feigned outrage over the hair jokes though in reality it was to explore amazing new opportunities in the field of nepotism. Nobody wins when anorexics battle binge eaters. Even the promise of a cat fight falls short of enticing. These two ladies should work out their differences the old fashioned way. Arsenic.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Twitter

Kylie Jenner Feels Up Her Sister (VIDEO)

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Somebody who counts the money decided it was time to get Kylie Jenner working the Snapchat pole. The teen reality star with the ‘some sixth grade’ education used her first snap video to film herself putting her hand down her sister Kendall’s pants. This is either obscene or by far the best fifteen seconds the Kardashians have produced since Ray J doubled down on the OTC lotion. Snapchat videos are supposed to self-destruct after ten seconds so parents and the god you pray to can never see them, but that technology also took about ten seconds to hack and figure out how to store and save. Kylie noted on her Snapchat that she’s now taking a temporary break from the app to study the works of Kant, or possibly grab some fro-yo and get knocked up by her platonic older male friend, Tyga. With her days free, she could probably squeeze in both.

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Photo Credit: SnapChat/Instagram

Chris Copeland Stabbed (VIDEO)

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 8:48 AM

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Forward Chris Copeland of the Indiana Pacers was stabbed in the gut outside the 1OAK nightclub in New York where both stabbings and a homemade burrito stand are available between 3am and 5am most party evenings. The dude who stabbed him was an acquaintance of the girlfriend of Copeland’s wife, who also got stabbed in the abdomen because somebody didn’t take their Krav Maga knife training classes very seriously. Naturally, TMZ obtained footage of the aftermath before the aftermath even began. Caution, the raw footage contains lots of ‘damn n-bombs’ because really what else is to be said when a perfectly good all night party and bottle serve is ruined once again by a blood letting.

Also arrested in the fracas were two Eastern European bench players for the Atlanta Hawks who happened to be at the same club and decided to fuck with the police during the incident because that’s how things work in Belgrade. Many fans are ripping on Chris Copeland for being out at a club at four in the morning the day of a big night game for his team trying to secure the final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. Fewer people are actually concerned about his condition because you know in some way he brought this on himself. When Copeland played college ball for the University of Colorado, he got winged by a bullet at an off-campus party. I’d call this a second warning shot and consider other four am options such as sleeping or reading Moby Dick. The Siren call of the nightclub DJ is hard to resist, but remind yourself this, being shot and stabbed really fucking hurts. When you take a throwing star to the eyeball next time, I’m not coming to pick you up.

Kate Upton Cat Daddy Disrespect (VIDEO)

By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 8:24 AM

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Kate Upton didn’t ask to be a blond buxom model making bank and dating pro athletes, but there you go. Her drive to not be seen as a sex object is matched only by the speed at which she accepts cash so men can splash jizz onto grandma’s best carpet thinking about her in a bikini. Upton’s latest historical revision involves a claims that she chastised creepy Uncle Terry for releasing the Cat Daddy bikini dance video of her onto the net, ensuring she’d be super famous in Borneo within seconds.

[Kate Upton] told Vogue UK in a new interview that she was horrified to see the minute-long video of herself dancing while wearing an extremely small bikini go viral, in part because she thought it had just been filmed for fun and wouldn’t be seen by anyone who wasn’t at the photoshoot.  “That was disrespectful, you could have told me!” the 21-year-old said she told photographer Terry Richardson

Terry Richardson is known for two things. Being super fucking creepy and sharing the shit out of every photo he’s ever taken. If he’s keeping any media private, it involves Romanian orphans being fucked to death by bears wearing tiny hats. Shots of your jiggling tits are not going in the storage locker. You don’t need to lie about who brought you to the dance, Kate. Flash your tits, point to the imaginary scoreboard, and we’ll gladly give you our money. I don’t remember the last five Kate Uptons slogging us through this same guilt trip.

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