The Women’s Movement Needs Fresh Ideas

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 10:39 AM

Karlie-Kloss-Disappears-in-Billboard

Karlie Kloss and a few other models had their likenesses removed from fashion billboards in New York to symbolize the #NotThere campaign, publicizing the too tired to argue notion that women are still not treated equally to men. You know it’s a well-planned awareness campaign when you need to explain to people what it means.

Karlie_Kloss_on_Twitter_On_InternationalWomensDay

I thought maybe you got in a fight with Kate Spade. Is that even a real person? Did you pound each with your heels? I saw two women fight like that once. It was spectacular.

The Not-There Org is pushing daily solutions for helping raise the esteem of girls everywhere.

The Girls Scouts were founded 103 years ago today. Celebrate by telling a girl in your life how much you believe in her.

Previous days suggestions have encouraged bedtime reading to daughters since girls are routinely locked in shame closets while parents read to their sons. Also, explaining to girls that the Kim Kardashian mobile game is just fantasy and scheming superficial reality show whores don’t exist in real life.

These Not-There ideas all seem good, but not particularly great. Not as great as the fact that a strong majority of law and medicine and other professional school graduates are now women. That politics is increasingly run by female elected officials and appointees. That women represent a majority of eligible voters in this democracy and were the clear deciding demographic in electing President Obama to eight years in office. There’s also that fall back position about being able to wrap even the most powerful of men around their finger tips simply but making a kissy face and wearing a short skirt. Is that degrading? I don’t know, my first paying job in this male-dominated world was mopping up vomit in toilet stalls. I’d have traded that in for showing some skin and giving an old guy a half chubby. Where’s my United Nations sanctioned holiday?

Some day Glynda will descend and remind women that they had the power all along. Now please put the impossibly skinny models back in the fashion billboards to drive girls into fits of despair and lifelong credit problems.

Kim Kardashian Seems Modest

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 9:35 AM

Kim Kardashian Arm Bra On Latest Keeping Up With Kardashians Episode
Kim Kardashian showed her appreciation for the new fat contract from E! by nearly baring her breasts on the new Keeping Up with the Kardashians season. This as opposed to baring her breasts for half a dozen cheap magazines in the past few months and sailors in the port of Long Beach for $50 a peekaboo. I applaud the producers for trying to come up with something worth watching. Tits. Screaming. Revelations. And a pan around the room at shocked looks from the vault of stock shocked looks from shows past. If you were raised in a whorehouse, this will remind you of home. If you’re just a bored fat person, this will tickle your folds and lock you into the next episode. If you’re the rest of us, you’re just rooting for her arm to tire and men dressed as monks to bukkake her fake yabbos.

Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!

Jennifer Lopez Wears A Short Dress

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 9:06 AM

Jennifer Lopez Wears A Tiny Dress To American Idol Party
Who will be the next Ford Coke Tampax American Idol? I don’t know. The most important thing is that we as a nation accept the decision and quickly ignore the winner. If they’re not penniless and ruined as a person within four years time, we haven’t done our jobs. Jennifer Lopez legs do look nice for forty-five. That has to be something of a solace to the future loser winner.

Photo Credit: INF

Priscilla Salerno Will Not Accept Tan Lines

By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 8:14 AM

Priscilla Salerno Rubs Sunscreen On Her Bare Chest
This Italian adult actress is the first chick with an IMDB starmeter rating to visit the beach sans protective sun gear since the mid-nineties. Melanoma obsessed celebrities compliment each other on the pallor of their skin at anti-vaccination meetings in the party rooms at vegan bakeries. Oh, get out, I do not look more Casper than you. I’m not sure this Italian chick understand that SPF is not a volume measurement. Who cares. She’s wiping gobs of white lotion on her bare tanned titties at the beach. That’s the grown up equivalent of the ice cream truck turning onto your block. If you could French fuck a Chipwich.

Photo Credit: Splash

Sydney Leathers Reveals Bitch Boy

By Matt March 12, 2015 @ 7:43 AM

SL

Sydney Leathers, famous for ruining Anthony Weiner’s career, has moved on to another target. Leathers was hitting up any media outlet who would listen including high school dispatches to explain she was involved in a dominatrix centered relationship with a politician who liked to be called Bitch Boy. She was being coy and not revealing his name. After many failed to care or were simply showing mild respect for their elected officials Leathers just went ahead and gave out the guy’s name if anyone promised to retweet her.

Bitch Boy’s name is Justin Moed, a member of Indiana’s House of Representatives. Leathers claims he was into strap-ons and wanted to be locked in a closet to listen to her being cuckolded and also he preferred the nomenclature of Bitch Boy. His identity was confirmed after Leathers showed some local news crew receipts for some lingerie he bought her which had his name on it. Some people are truly ungrateful. Particularly attention hungry whores. Moed’s life is now ruined. The third line of his Wiki page now mentions his Bitch Boy submissive alter ego. With any luck he’ll resurface as a Thai folk hero.

There are only two rules for hookers. You don’t share the names of your clients and you cut your rates by thirty percent when you come back positive for HIV. You start abusing the rules and your Yelp rating is going to suffer significantly. Good luck finding new clients, chunky Judas.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Feminists Against Black Pussy

By Matt March 12, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

BP

A group of guys from Portland who have seen Almost Famous too many times started a band and named it Black Pussy. This has infuriated a bunch of black feminists, which is an approved LinkedIn job title now. Naturally, it’s racist and sexist for white guys to utter the words black pussy even if they really just love and respect black pussy or think the name is funny. Black Pussy. I just giggled. A petition began circulating urging people to boycott the band’s current tour. The band has responded by issuing a statement confirming themselves as lovable rogues:

“Black Pussy does not condone or endorse any sexism, racism, ageism, violence, or any other douchebaggery that has been spoiling the party since the party started. If you are offended by the band’s name, please refer to the following video.”

The video is a clip of comedian Doug Stanhope explaining how people who get offended by words are stupid assholes. I accept this as a basic premise. If we’ve reached a point in history where a group of dudes can collectively refer to themselves as Black Pussy I’d say we’re moving in the right direction. This should do more for equal rights than any of your drawn out research papers or empty veiled threats on Twitter. Every band name sounds stupid until that band name sells record then it’s cool as shit. I can see myself holding up my lighter and screaming Black Pussy. It seems like pretty good publicity for a race of women and their vaginas.  I’d shitcan the petition and start tagging Black Pussy on Spotify.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Japan Short On Porn Stars

By Matt March 12, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Shik

Japanese male porn star Shimiken has been complaining there aren’t enough of his kind in Japan, sending the demand for boners through the roof:

“There are only 70 male porn stars to 10,000 women. With 4,000 new films every month, the number of male actors simply isn’t enough.”

If you do the math that’s a lot of fucking to the tune of two films per day per actor. Due to this shortage Shimiken has taken on a stereotypically difficult work load far superior to any round eye. He works around six hours a day on up to six different movies every day of the week. He also maintains a high protein diet, abstains from alcohol, works out obsessively, and claims to stay up late practicing the aim of his money shot. Overall he has done over 7,000 films. He also once ate a plate of shit for $160.

That’s actually true and I mention it because he was starting to make me feel like an impotent slacker. The reason for Japan’s shortage of on-camera dick is they are extremely sexually repressed as you can tell since half their films include peanut butter or beagles. There is a greater stigma against porn stars which leads to discrimination and therefore discourages honorable men from taking up that line of work. Dishonorable men like the rest of us still like to fuck anything that moves and would gladly take a paycheck when the dust settles. I know what America would do if it had a ton of jobs available that no American was willing to do. Mexicans with big shlongs know how to build boats that can make it to Tokyo Bay. 

Photo Credit: TheHotNews/Youtube

Powdered Booze Is On The Way

By Matt March 12, 2015 @ 6:05 AM

PH

The FDA has approved a product called Palcahol for sale in the U.S. It is a powdered alcohol you can mix with water and promptly have the time of your life or die trying. The products approved are a cosmopolitan, margarita, vodka, and rum. Several states are concerned about Palcahol being abused because of the obvious widespread teenage snorting trend that will make 20/20 for a month of sweep weeks. More so than the unavoidable deaths I think their main issue is the tax revenue which will be lost when every Buffalo Bills fan is packing the equivalent of a pallet of Fleischmann’s into the stadium in compression shorts. The company’s founder Mark Phillips claims he invented it so he could enjoy a cocktail after hiking or other outdoor activities without having to carry jugs of liquor around. Another interesting thing about Phillips is he’s a fucking liar. Imagine the stadium brawls. The airplane seizures. The prison riots. The fact there will no longer be a sober juror in this country. So many possibilities. Thanks Mark. Yes, I’m obviously trying this.

Photo Credit: Facebook