Jameis Winston On A Roll

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Winston

Jameis Winston is being investigated by the NCAA for point shaving in a recent game so his buddy could win a bet. His teammates think the allegations are complete bullshit because Winston is a stand up dude when he’s not pinning down girls and stealing seafood to use with the seasonings a booster gave him. Also he’s a very good quarterback. A backup lineman they could see for who he really is.

Winston allegedly tanked the first half of a game against Louisville so his buddy could win $5,000 and immediately parlay it into a brick of fake pot to sell on frat row. This is one of those cases where there seems to be no evidence against a guy who seems to be guilt of everything. Either way, FSU loyalists are going to have this kid’s back. If it came out he has been plotting an armed jewelry heist in Belgrade most Seminole fans would nod in acceptance and then immediately mention his volunteer work in the community.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Kelly Osbourne’s Close Call With Being Interesting

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

KO

Kelly Osbourne has her size lumpy panties in a twist because she had to talk about something other than her cunty clothing line on The Today Show. Osbourne was informed she would be questioned about Joan Rivers because a dead Joan Rivers is still more interesting a living Kelly Osbourne. The two became close while working on VH1′s Fashion Police, where they would often talk about the possibility of doing better shows over a lunch of 1960′s tampons preserved in powdered sugar. Today Show producers informed Osbourne that she would be questioned about Rivers, which Osbourne took offense to because people usually ask her about her talented friends or fucked up family members instead of her designer heroin needles:

“It’s something, to be honest with you, I really don’t like talking about… Please can we move on so I don’t cry?”

Osbourne proceeded with her segment then filed a complaint with AFTRA and Emma Watson’s new United Nations Woman Power Committee and awaited being made whole again.  Kelly Osbourne has said perhaps five interesting things in the past ten years and four them occurred when she was clearly wasted. I’m not suggesting she get back into drugs and alcohol. Only if she wants to be semi-relevant again. Sober Osbournes have little to offer this world.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Drag Queen and Dennis Rodman Freed Prisoners

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Lancaster

Miami drag queen Elaine Lancaster is taking credit for teaching Dennis Rodman the nuances of North Korea’s domestic policies. Her bragging is once removed from Rodman’s claim he freed an American reporter who his gimpy buddy Kim had imprisoned but in actuality just got drunk and exchanged bottles of unfiltered sake for the chance to look at his cock. Lancaster took to Facebook and humbly bragged about being more informed than Rodman on the topic of how fucked up North Korea is, a distinction that would apply to virtually every adult in the world who doesn’t live in North Korea:

“Before he returned to North Korea the 2nd time, I told Dennis over lunch don’t let these trips be in vain & ask him if he knew about the gulags and the detention camps? He said no, so I explained it to him… I said, try to do what you can, but don’t get yourself killed. It looks as if it may have paid off for a few imprisoned Americans.”

Usually a Miami drag queen isn’t the best source of diplomatic information, but when your brain is pierced and you’re lit on Seagram’s 24/7 any information helps. Talking to Rodman is like reinventing the wheel. You have to revisit the Immaculate Conception in an attempt to inform him of the basic concept of government. Even then he’ll just stare at you and nod while he plots his spectacular suicide then asks you to spot him a hundo for his kids.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Kate Hudson Is Charitably Minded

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Ashley Benson
Kate Hudson holds the Baby2Baby Gala every year in Los Angeles. I believe it raises money for women who get knocked up by multiple rock stars. The word ‘baby’ in any charity provides extensive leeway into nobody asking where the hell their check is going. It’s called BabyMurder, just sign your name and hand over some of that TV syndication dough, fat fucking Oprah. Outside of The AIDS and Mmm, Sex With Obama, Baby is the best fundraising keyword you can plug into an L.A. event.

Women love babies like men love tits. We even make the same noises when we see them. Eventually somebody will put together a hot women breastfeeding event and the entire wealth of the world will be transferred in one evening.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tig Notaro’s Former Breasts Have a Point

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 2:13 PM

Tig-Notaro-Doing-StandUp
Comedian Tig Notaro ripped her shirt off at the New York Comedy Festival revealing her double mastectomy scars and ensuring herself an ornate award in France someday. Unlike Angelina Jolie who had new boobs built after she found a guy in Tijuana to machete off future cancer, Tig Notaro really had cancer, really lost her breasts, and really decided just to leave her post-operative chest as is.

By performing her set with her mastectomy scars bared onstage, Notaro hoped to prove that any amount of social stigma can be overcome by sheer force of performance. According to breathless New York art critics in attendance, within seconds the audience was brain-deep in her comedic stew and completely ignoring her scarred chest. Either that was the best comedy routine ever presented, or somebody is spinning a genenrous fib.

We can desensitize society to the stigma of medical conditions, scarring, deformities or just plain ugly bodies by constantly whipping our clothes off in public forums. Nudists have been unleashing their flog rolls on the public eye for years. The bigger question is, why the fuck would we want to? At some point we as a society decided we were going to wear clothes and make some effort to cover up our disturbing bits until we find somebody so blinded by our fake love of hiking and romantic comedies they will accept our imperfect bodies. Attractive women were obviously excluded from this social compact.

Apparently Notaro’s audience now looks forward to the chance she might peel off her top and show them her scars. This sounds more like a fetish than a liberation. In which case, I’m able to say I support it fully.

Country Troll Is Getting Married, City Troll Comes to Visit

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

Snooki And JWoww Celebrate Snookis Bacherlorette Party
Snooki already has some number of babies by some dude I thought she was already married to. I guess that never happened. With a new reality show for the mummified and brain dead, the production team has the nuptials keyed in for the season. Bachelorette parties for sliced-up former cast members of Jersey Shore always score well in the ratings. Especially when one of the cast ends up in tears and dislodges a reasonable portion of their soft clay face. Don’t let the kids watch or they’ll be wetting their beds until their thirty.

I couldn’t be happier for Snooki, but the offspring thing is only going to give us more work when it comes time to mop up the gene pool. If God wanted Snooki to have babies, he would’ve put her vagina more than six inches off the ground.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Tits Can Sell Anything

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:32 PM

Kim Kardashian Gets Cleavy In Nude Top At Hairfinity Launch Party
This wee porn star will go anywhere at any time for any filthy large amount of money. Long after the Apocalypse Kim will still be crisscrossing Old New York vacuuming up precious metals like a whore version of Wall-E. With the right encouragement Kim could’ve easily become an IHOP waitress or heart donor instead a pair of tits in heels. Ambition really is a double edged sword that you need to think twice before ramming into your twat.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nick Jonas Likes Girls And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 10, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Nick Jonas’ sex scenes for Kingdom are hilariously awkward. Not only is he…wait for it…an MMA fighter but he’s also got to pretend he likes having sexy time with women. Ew.

Watch Nick try his hardest to not think about hairy man sack. (The Superficial)

Justin Bieber has to pay his neighbor 80K  for egging his house. (TMZ)

Nicki Minaj pisses off people with “Pro-Nazi” imagery. (Huffington Post)

Alyssa Milano let’s us see her giving the tit to her kid again. (Drunken Stepfather)

Abigail Ratchford uses her tits to hawk that shitty water. (Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez is always forgetting to wear a bra. Thank you, Selena. (Popoholic)

Andy Dick got felony arrested for being himself…a dick. (Dlisted)