The Digital Age Continues to Suck for Women

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 2:11 PM

Ariana Grande Shows Legs While Posing With Fans At London Airport
Here’s unexpected news. People who like to take photos of themselves are narcissistic annoying twats. Predominantly women, they spend an inordinate amount of time to get public recognition and positive comments. In turn, women who spend lots of time checking out their friends’ selfies are prone to believe they’re fat and unlovable. Which might be true, still, it doesn’t help to see your fit friends doing awesome things and being happy.

Women once again face the bleak reality that technology is designed by men for men and mostly make women more and more miserable. Every bit of applied circuitry after the vibrator has pretty much sucked for women. I’d advise everyone with a vagina to disconnect from the Internet and go back to coffee klatches and mall trips with your girlfriends. You start switching out that Lady Gaga crap and late nights trolling Twitter for some Go-Go’s and Wine cooler parties and you just might find your smiles coming back. I’ve got more good advice, but I’m not sharing it.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Dad from 7th Heaven Ain’t Going to Heaven

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 1:15 PM

Stephen-Collins-and-the-Girls

Stephen Collins of 7th Heaven pastor dad fame might’ve liked to expose his junk to grade school girls and maybe have one or two young neighbor girls touch his dick. But this was all in his experimental 40′s and 50′s where we know guys get to trying out some new things like skinny jeans or Thai sex tours between marriages.

Collins decided to come clean and confess his sex crimes (sort of like the sex crimes people commit by looking at Jennifer Lawrence hacked photos, but not as bad obviously) to his second wife, Faye Grant. Faye Grant just sounds like a conniving wife’s name in a Lifetime movie, the kind who discovers her husband has dark secrets and so decided to start recording his late night confessions. Precisely As Grant did as Collins confessed to child sex offenses during their marital therapy sessions in 2012. Apparently, it’s fully legal to secretly tape another party in California if you are doing so in the course of coaxing a confession of a violent crime. That Nancy Drew clause seems like a pretty vague standard, nevertheless, it’s California, so there it is. And here’s the audio recording.

Naturally, neither Grant or the therapists who must’ve been present decided to turn the taped confession over to the authorities. Grant waited a couple years until their divorce proceedings got heated. Having your spouse on tape confessing to taking an eleven year old girl’s hand and putting it on his penis is much better ammo than ‘he never asked me how my day was’ when feuding over the split of marital assets. If a few more kids had to be put at risk while you waited to make your move, so be it. Mama wants the beach house.

Collins resigned this morning from his role on the Screen Actor’s Guild Board of Directors and was immediately canned from his current role filming on Ted 2. Hollywood will not put up with perverts who aren’t savvy enough to not get caught.

Amanda Bynes Is Engaged to Be Crazy

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

Amanda Bynes Is Showing Off Engagement Ring
Last year, Amanda Bynes fled criminal charges in NYC by moving back to LA. Now she’s trying out the opposite. New York has to be excited to have a battery-recharged Amanda Bynes back in town. Among her latest off-her-meds red semaphore flags are Amanda’s interview with InTouch magazine where she claims to be engaged to a teen in California who works at a bait shop:

I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to fuck them, but I can now say I’m engaged — get away from me,. I want to be married and I want to be away from people.

That certainly sounds a lot like love. Or how it might be expressed by a majority of inmates of a female sanitarium. Amanda’s also back on Twitter which should work out well for at least one of her alter egos. She’s already announced that the tabloid media is out to get her, that she dropped out of Los Angeles fashion school because NYU and Columbia both insisted she fly to New York to be part of their educational experience, and then a bunch of trite slogans people like to Tweet in lieu of original thinking. If I’m Commissioner Gordon, I’m diverting at least half my manpower to tracking down Amanda Bynes. If you listen closely, you can actually hear the ticking clock.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI, Twitter

Kimye Action Figures And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

o-KIMDOLL-facebook

Kanye West And Kim Kardashian have made dolls of themselves for North West to play with. You have to wonder if the Kanye doll is a ‘Betsy Wetsy’ type that can pee in Kim’s mouth. You know, realistic play is important.

I think I’m going to make me some Kimye voodoo dolls. (TMZ)

Surprisingly, years of ass to mouth didn’t turn Sasha Grey into a feminist. (Huffington Post)

Helen Flanagan has some big ‘ol titty balls. (Drunken Stepfather)

Caitlin O’Connor wears her bikinis at night. (Hollywood Tuna)

Angela Ruiz in lingerie is muy sexy, mang. (Popoholic)

Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan brings her own flotation devices to Malibu. (The Superficial)

Drake is harassing strippers for talking about how small his dick is. (Dlisted)

(Photo Via The Huffington Post)

Kelly Rowland Seems Pregnant

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 11:29 AM

Kelly Rowland Nude Pregnancy Photos For Elle
Kelly Rowland is the chick from Destiny’s Child who isn’t Beyonce. No, not that one, the other one. She’s big in England now which is a testament to her not being big in the United States. She’s also seventy-fourth in succession to have her naked pregnant body shot for a women’s fashion magazine. I still kind of remember when Demi Moore had one of her future alcoholics in her belly and broke all the rules by having herself portrayed naked. That was relatively cool. Now it’s just tedious. Pregnancy is a magnificent miracle of reproduction and some other important shit. But if you have to explain to me why I need to see a chick naked the battle is already lost.

Photo Credit: Elle

Chelsea Handler’s Left Tit Is Kind of Disappointing

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

Chelsea-Handler-Titpic-on-Twitter

Knowing the hackers attempted twenty thousand passwords to break into Kate Upton’s account while they tried ‘WillFuckForWork’ with yours and then moved on hit Chelsea Handler’s ego somewhat hard. She pretends to be a rock, just like she pretends to be a comedian, but deep down, it has to wound any woman to know she wasn’t picked for the nude photos violations team. No, that’s not tantamount to saying women want to be raped, shut the fuck up.

Chelsea responded to her exclusion from the photo hacking scandal by posting a picture of her tit to Twitter. I found the visual experience more sad than thrilling. Kind of like when you step into a strip club at 2pm on a Monday and see the girls working the dregs shift with bruises from their stepdad still visible. I stick around and throw them a couple bones. I too would like to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Jennifer Lawrence Takes Off Her Top and Gets Super Angry

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Poses Topless For Vanity Fair
Jennifer Lawrence took off her top for Vanity Fair to discuss her outrage over her leaked naughty photos. She had Baretta’s cockatoo on her wrist to show her commitment to fighting crime. That or she was about to kill her baby mama out back of a pizzeria. Lawrence considers the theft of her nude photos to be a sex crime, people who look at her photos to be sexual offenders, and web site owners who display the photos to be ‘detached from humanity’ and ‘empty inside’.

I don’t care how much money I get for The Hunger Games. I promise you, anybody given the choice of that kind of money or having to make a phone call to tell your dad that something like that has happened, it’s not worth it.

At $10 million per Hunger Games I’m going to guess the real answer is not nobody and probably closer to everybody would take that deal. Hey, dad, naked photos of me got hacked. How about I buy you a Bentley and send you and mom on a six week luxury vacation to the Bahamas and we’ll talk about it when you get back? Yes, I know I’m your favorite daughter.

I understand Lawrence’s embarrassment and outrage and oh that we could live in a perfect world where women could make money off their bodies entirely at their sole discretion. But we don’t. And she knows that. Women have been peeped since the dawn of time. They’ve been exploited on camera since the invention of the camera. And their private sex photos have been illicitly distributed since they started taking private sex photos and emailing them ‘Just for Tommy! ILU!’.

Outrage is cool. Acting naive when you’re a mega movie star and sex symbol with a vast public relations and legal machine seems a bit out of whack. Also, your tits looked absolutely amazing. It really could’ve been much worse

Sincerely,

Sex Offender

Models Decide the Brazilian Election

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 8:50 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears Short White Shorts While Visiting A Photo Agency In West Hollywood
Every couple of years when Brazil calls another election to decide if they want the Workers Socialist Party, the Socialist United Party, or the United Voices of Samba Socialists to ruin their country, the ex-patriot models in the U.S. head to the nearest Brazilian consulate to exercise their right to show off their legs. Without these breathtaking mannequins taking a break from Pilates and having sex with very good looking men, Brazil might otherwise vote to continue its two hundred years of counter-productive governance. Exit polls showed that front runner Dilma Rousseff did very well among the Brazilian supermodel diaspora, propelling him, or, you know, her, to likely victory as the next Brazilian President. Somebody has to be standing at the podium explaining where all the Olympics money went.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet