By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 1:42 PM
I hate partisan politics with a passion. It routinely involves men engaging in bitchy pointless debates without any self-awareness of how much you sound like girls fighting with their mom over what they’re allowed to wear to school. After you tell me how great the Democratic Party is, or the Republican Party is, why don’t you take a dump in a chocolate cake and charge me extra for the pudding center.
Here in Los Angeles, the single largest bastion of self-described progressives in the country, they are fucking reeling over the Tuesday election results. It’s like everybody is four years old and somebody popped their fucking circus balloon. The long moping faces is something on the proportion of Sadie Hawkins day at Smith College. Everybody looks freaking miserable. From the partisan yucks who paid $35K to watch Gwyneth Paltrow virtually fellate the Handsomest President Ever to the chicks who get aroused over late term abortions, the farbissineh punims about town could turn every box of soy milk in this city.
Buck up, Los Angeles. Circle around Ellen’s pant suit four times and think happy thoughts about how grateful the poor people will be when you can start giving them your scraps again.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 12:58 PM
The nation’s premiere University is teaching kids how to properly fuck each other in the ass. You’re charging $65K a year to attend, you’ve got to come with something stronger than French Lit and The Role of Civic Design in Greco-Roman Political Theater.
The idea of a course in the Sodomitic arts might seem crass, but it’s probably a good idea. Animals don’t need lessons on how to copulate. From Kardashians on up the chain to dung beetles, crawling creatures will eventually stumble their way into the mating position. But all this other sodomy that people do just for the fun of it, you probably ought get some training. You could poke an eye out, or a polyp. You need to wrap that shit and put it on ice.
According to the CDC, 44-percent of hetero men and 36-percent of hetero women say they’ve delved into penis to ass extracurriculars. In the very least that stat tells me a few ladies out there have had more than one dick in their ass. If the CDC wanted to become cool again, it would release the names and numbers of those happening ladies.
I’m not against getting off in ways that nature likely never intended. Stick your dick in a table vise and hit it with the 50-grit belt sander if that makes you win the splooge olympics. Just don’t kill other people with your kinky shit. Harvard isn’t just a place that matriculates arrogant twats, it’s a forward thinking institution that might just save your girlfriend from mule kicking you in the nut sack while you perforate her rectum.
By Jack November 06, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Beyonce is one wealthy woman. She made over 115 million dollars last year, twice as much as any other female star. Usually money flows from the stupid to the smart in our economy, but given Beyonce’s educational aptitude, let’s just say it flows from the stupid to the good looking.
Explore the mysteries of Beyonce’s wealth. (Huffington Post)
Fat Mike from NOFX kicks a fan in the face and it’s awesome. (TMZ)
This model is named Yara. Let me introduce you to her tits. (Drunken Stepfather)
Casey Batchelor in lingerie is why I get up in the morning. (Hollywood Tuna)
Malena Costa es muy caliente in underwears. (Popoholic)
The new Star Wars movie gets a title and nerds everywhere pop a chub. (COED)
I’d love to love Ariana Grande harder, if you know what I mean. (The Superficial)
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 11:45 AM
This chick really is my favorite. She’s the hot blonde South African model that wasn’t killed by Oscar Pistorious in the Blade Runner model murder roulette. She’s using her second chance at life to show off her tits and ass in every single one of her home country’s twenty nine thousand swimsuit magazines. They do love their bikinis mags on the southern tip of that plague stricken continent. It helps to remind them of what life will be like when Dutch Afrikaner Jesus comes and builds even bigger fences around the black squatter camps.
Photo Credit: Gavin Bond
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 11:27 AM
Downside of fame, you can’t stumble out of a bar without the world knowing you had one too many. That along with having to rub the heads of contagious children and pretending you love U2 are probably the major cons of being a celebrity. Mel B used to be known as Scary Spice because when it came time to name the Spice Girls somebody decided that black people were frightening and that kind of stuck after Darky Spice came back as a no-go from the label. Victoria Beckham got Posh Spice because she’s anorexic and WASPy and those girls do love to shop to fill the voids in their starving hearts. Fuck, I’d get loaded too if I was the scary one. You want your monster, here’s your fucking monster. Somebody catch me, I have an open marriage.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 10:01 AM
Actually, it was yesterday. You missed it. But when next November 5th rolls around you get your ass to Vegas to celebrate Britney Spears Day in the typical custom of shaving your head with a box cutter and lip-synching Britney’s greatest hits while your children cower behind the toilet apparatus.
Britney Spears was presented the key to the Las Vegas Strip by a bunch of government officials in the area with fake jobs sponsored by the seven original crime families. If you ran a blue light over that key it would glow every single inch in white. Somebody needs to dip that fucker in some 6m HCl for about ten minutes to render the blood and sperm safe for children. Britney beamed and read out some rehearsed lines about Vegas feeling like a second home and how the Gambino Pimento Import company was helping her buy sparkle makeup for the local children’s cancer charity.
Britney encouraged all Britney trannies to come to Vegas to celebrate her special day and confuse her new boyfriend with feelings he never knew existed inside of him:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 9:23 AM
Somebody sent me a letter claiming I’m a shill for this indecently crappy water company. Do I seem that business intelligent to you? That’s rhetorical, you judgmental fucks. I’d take the money if it were offered. Shill is just another word for being able to pay the rent and afford the good Ebola containment suits when the time comes. There’s no glory in being destitute and date raped in the gutter by hobos as you stay true to your art. Michelangelo, Picasso, that Chinese panda that painted characters with his feces. All lived comfortably sponsored lives. This chick is covering her tits with her hands because you don’t deserve to see them. Not today you don’t.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 8:59 AM
I have no clue who this chick is, yet I’ve already imagined out our entire future together. Crazy hot tosses in the sack followed by thirty years of fighting and recrimination and sleeping in separate bedrooms. If she has a hot sister I could throw adultery into the mix as the cause of most of that. It’s amazing how you can lock eyes with a woman and see all that coming and still hit on her like your life depended on it. I blame the thong.
Photo Credit: Kandy Magazine