By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 3:55 PM
You ever look at a woman and not quite believe she had sex with Shia LaBeouf. I do this all the time. It’s like a hobby. Whoa, there’s no way she let Shia LaBeouf bang her shnozz. But she did. Fuck, why? It’s like that terrifying moment in a horror movie when you realize the killer really is calling you from inside the house. I shriek like a girl child. It all seems so horrible.
Here’s Carey Mulligan at the Great Gatsby premiere in Cannes. She looks fucking fantastic. Still, Shia, fuck, really?
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, WENN
By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 2:12 PM
Just one week into life without Adderall and Lindsay Lohan has already packed on five pounds. Between the absence of amphetamines and everything suddenly not tasting like Smirnoff and grizzled human seed, Lindsay seems to be relishing the cuisine at her Palm Springs inpatient rehab facility. This is Lindsay’s worst fatty fear come true and to be clear from her publicity statements, has absolutely nothing to do with her addiction to speed. She just doesn’t want to ruin her figure and potentially lose out on imaginary movie roles. Also, she can’t finish Moby Dick without her concentratin’ pills.
By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 1:50 PM
Piper Perabo was that girl from Coyote Ugly until she became that girl from the lezzie film Los and Delirious where she had sex with Jessica Pare. Once you’ve had sex with Jessica Pare, that’s pretty much all you’ll ever be known for. Trust me. I’m sick of it. Piper I guess wants to be known for something else now that she showed up in a see-through top at the upfronts in New York for USA Network. She’s wearing pasties underneath which kind of is a big fuck you to the 3% of straight men interested in a television red carpet event. Still, tits remain the best attention grabber ever so I guess Piper wins.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN, WENN
By Jack May 17, 2013 @ 1:00 PM
Kim Kardashian continued her quest to accentuate just how fat she’s gotten by wearing a pair of ridiculously tight heels. She complained to her paid friends that her swollen feet hurt after she somehow managed to shove her puffed up pregger hooves into a pair of Givenchy heels in defiance of physics and God’s will. She was also wearing a white dress that was so tight I think I saw the baby’s face.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 12:42 PM
It’s hard not to feel bad for Courtney Robertson after her staged engagement to The Bachelor fell apart a few days ahead of schedule. It’s not easy being a hybrid reality star where only most of your world is completely pre-programmed. That leaves a lot of room for the unpredictable. Like the public announcement that you’re torn up over not getting married on a Tuesday when your call sheet clearly says sudden shocking news reveal on Thursday. Fake tears don’t just turn themselves on.
Heres Courtney Robertson in a bikini. I’d fake marry her.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Jack May 17, 2013 @ 12:28 PM
The CDC tested 161 public pools in the Atlanta area and found that 58% of them had traces of E. Coli and fecal matter. The CDC says it has to do with several factors including poor hygiene on the part of the swimmers and little kids having what they innocuously refer to as ”formed fecal incidents”. The chances of people getting sick from swimming inside a giant toilet are pretty high. The CDC’s Healthy Swimming Program chief Michele Hlavsa said:
“It is time to stop treating the swimming pool as a toilet. Nowhere else except for the pool is it acceptable to poop in public or pee in public. In other places if we did this in public, we’d be arrested.”
No shit, Michele. Personally, you couldn’t pay me to get into a public swimming pool. I know it gets hot in the summer, but swan diving into a tank of turds isn’t the answer. If you live in the city, crack a fire hydrant. If you live in the burbs, grab a hose. Fill a basin with cold water and sit-in. Invite your friends to join you. But before you do, ask them one important question, do you intend to empty your bowels in my tub? If they answer in the affirmative, tell them it’s a no go on the tub and direct them to the nearest public swimming pool.
By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 12:01 PM
When I imagine a teen daughter telling me her dream is to pump up her tits and become a fame whore in Hollywood, I hear myself asking a follow up question or two. Courtney Stodden’s mom got the pitch, and without hesitation slammed a needle full of HSV vaccine into her daughter’s ass and bought a couple Greyhound tickets one-way to L.A.. That’s the kind of mom who will stick with you through your failed casting sessions, your personal heartbreak, and your first few abortions. When I told my dad I wanted to be a dancer, he just punched me hard in the shoulder and called me a homo. Now I cry every time I attend the ballet while Courtney gets to flash her titties and ass around town with a confidently glazed smile. Self-esteem really is the greatest gift you can give your children.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 11:26 AM
The Howe Twins have come to America to fuck their way famous. Sounds crude, but it’s the truth, and it’s actually not all that crude, or new, or wrong. Judging by the looks on their faces leaving the Roosevelt Hotel late night, I’d say they notched another milestone in their strategic plan. Whenever we do get around to that comprehensive immigration reform, we need to make sure achievement minded foreigners like the Howes get to the front of the line.
Photo Credit: PCN