By Matt April 22, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Patricia Ebel, a bikini clad 49 year old Naples grandmother, drunkenly totaled her car while her ten year old grandson rode shotgun. I’m not passing judgement. Kids nowadays are strapped into holstered cockpit chairs melded to the vehicle’s frame. The dudes on Apollo 18 would be jealous. How do you jerk off in space? A stolen Kia these days is safer than the Lincoln you used to get to church in with the mustard stained futon in the back. She could take the plunge off Niagara Falls and the kid would just be pissed he lost his iPad. We used to do pull ups off the roll bar in my mom’s Bronco when she was taking us to the driving range to retrieve balls. It’s called wholesale. Not a bad racket. Ebel attempted some field sobriety tests and failed miserably. Give yourself a concussion and stumble into court. Warren Sapp is available. Case dismissed. By the looks of it you’re going to hit a wall anyway. Why waste the time on community service. You’ve got another two years before the dudes outside the Bufallo Wild Wings stop offering to bang you in the Honey Wagon. Tell your great granddaughter to hit me up when she gets her teeth fixed. Does the community college have a decent food court?
Photo Credit: Om@news/Youtube
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 1:19 PM
Ireland Baldwin checked herself into rehab for ‘emotional trauma’. That’s code for substance abuse. She’s a Baldwin, Show me liquor as my Family Feud survey guess. Ireland was trending toward despair by way of teen modeling, a dumb surfer boyfriend, then leaping several steps into a publicized lesbian relationship with a black rapper. It’s good she hit rehab before joining ISIS and bombing the luxury condo building where her dad keeps making new babies with the yoga instructor.
Sad cryptic Tweets are fine for most teenaged girls, but when you’re in a facility, this kind of messaging might get your wrists strapped to the bed. I bet it sucks extra to be miserable when you’re pretty and blonde and rich. You’re the drowning fish. Nobody even notices. Fuck, Tweet that. They will sedate you.
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 12:14 PM
It’s easy to ride magazines for Photoshopping the shit out of images until they all look cartoonish. It’s more difficult to admit the touchups make masturbating that much easier. Kelly Brook now has lean muscle mass and tits that shine like the Lombardi trophy polished up for the big day. I’ve seen Kelly Brook in real life. She’s a thing, but you add in a few passes from the thromdibulator and she becomes the photo you’ll see when the Oxford English Dictionary finally adds cumsplosion. Don’t assume everything phony is bad. Because it’s the exact opposite.
Photo Credit: Fabulous Magazine
By Jack April 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Scott Disick abhors the hair around his Kardashian baby mama’s snatch patch. He helped shave Kourtney’s bush because pubes remind him too much of what can happen to the prettiest smallest boy in the high school locker room.
Read all about Scott’s fear of pubes. (Huffington Post)
Elsa Hosk looks highly fuckable in some lacy lingerie. (Egotastic)
Miley Cyrus broke up with Patrick Schwarzenegger because he’s a big ‘ol man whore. (TMZ)
Nina Agdal’s ass is reason enough to stay on Instagram. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sarah Hyland in a short skirt makes me think bad thoughts. (Hollywood Tuna)
Blake Lively’s tits look amazing in a see-through red dress. (Popoholic)
Let’s celebrate the underboob! (The Chive)
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 11:56 AM
The show business isn’t easy. One day you’re playing a porn chick on Sons of Anarchy, the next day, or year or two, the hot blond background parts aren’t rolling in like they used to. Pick up that water bottle and serve your country, my lady. Not everybody can be Meryl Streep. Somebody has to be her better looking neighbor who bought Charo’s wardrobe from the Love Boat eBay charity auction. Everybody has a role in this life, it’s just not always the one you lied to your parents and told them you got.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 11:20 AM
Idiocy tends to solve itself. The dumb kids fall into wells and everybody publicly mourns but privately agrees that it was only a matter of time. The herd is culled. A bunch of students at a Pennsylvania high school decided the best way to counter protest a gay rights day was to dress like a lesbian softball team and pen I Hate Musical Theater on their hands. Depending on who you believe, they also left nasty notes on the lockers of kids in the gay club. It’s a uniquely dumb protest even for those whose balls feel threatened because the drama kids are now coming out of the closet before breaking girls hearts at the prom.
No matter your take on Leviticus, tattooing your face permanently on social media as a proud gay basher seems unusually lacking in foresight. Remnants of people who give a shit about who other people are fucking still exist, but by sixteen you have to have some read on cultural trends and understand this is going to follow you big time. And not in a paid to give speeches at the lodge kind of way. More like, good luck with that summer job at Abercrombie. High schools have always been the testing ground for sexual expression, we just always pretended they weren’t. Like the rest, I was talking about getting laid, trying to get laid, not quite getting laid the entire time I was there. We were also expected to know some math and reading, but those were the old days before we realized we could just import Asians to do all the thinking work for us. I hope these kids parents are proud. It’ll ease the tension of them living at home until forty.
Photo credit: Instagram/Austin7007
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 10:14 AM
Nothing says I’m battling the objectification of women like shifting the body acceptance conversation into parts. Lovato wants girls to know it’s cool if you don’t have a thigh gap, you can still be a doctor or lawyer, just not an engineer because you know why.
“For some reason, this whole thigh gap thing has kind of swept over what people think is beautiful and if you have that naturally, then that’s totally fine, you’re still beautiful. My body doesn’t naturally have that.”
It’s common for young media stars to confuse Instagram with the real world. I don’t remember the thigh gap sweeping over the offline land so much. Is she decent looking and does she put out still remain dominant in dating decisions. Lovato’s mom got her into bulimia before she was even on solid foods. Back alley of the Gymboree chanting ‘fat girls don’t get on Barney’. I think all the public libraries are now closed. There’s nowhere left for girls to hide. Plug into the Matrix. Life gets better for you at 25.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 9:31 AM
When nerds speak of disruptive technology they have a very narrow focus. Fuck the cloud, Let’s talk about a perfect set of tits at fifty. This changes everything. Courteney Cox unfurled a pair of stunners to the red carpet of some movie not named The Avengers and bragged about her husband to be because he’s young and handsome and British and that’s what you get with amazing tits at fifty. This is Walter Camp throwing the first forward pass in football. Suddenly we’re having sex with older women with the lights on. Jesus has to be begging dad to come back.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet