Joan Rivers Doc Took a Selfie While She Lay Unconscious

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 11:45 AM

Joan-Rivers-Portrait

America’s obsession with social media vanity has now murdered our nation’s fourth finest octogenarian female comic. It was only a matter of time before selfies went from being super obvious ego stroking visuals to pathological killers. According to CNN, which somebody watched once a decade ago, Joan Rivers doctor took a selfie in the procedure room while Joan was under sedation, just prior to the unauthorized biopsy that caused her to asphyxiate and go into cardiac arrest. In da’ room cutting up with @JoanRivers. I don’t know, I made that up. I bet he was noodling over some hashtags when her heart stopped.

Short of fucking the attending nurse over the vitals monitor as it flat-lined and just not caring, taking a selfie in a procedure where your patient fades out is pretty much the most asshole malpractice thing you can do. I’d blow up that selfie and stack it on an easel for the jury to see while I kept chanting, “Fifty million” waiting for the river of cash to make me feel whole again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Monica Lewinsky Is Anti-Fappening

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 11:20 AM

SNL-version-of-Tripp-and-Lewinsky

Like most magazines, Vanity Fair editors are hoping to die before their print editions are formally shut down. There’s no gimmick that won’t be tried to keep from being flushed. Vanity Fair hired Monica Lewinsky to pen a series of first-woman essays on topics important to their readers. Lewinsky seemed to run out of ideas after her first article where she laid on a couch seductively and waxed philosophically like she was Catherine Deneuve reflecting on a lifetime of cinematic sexuality. Somebody fed her the topic of the celebrity leaked photos for her next essay because it was topical and didn’t take much thought. Not so surprisingly, Lewinsky used the MS Word Thesaurus to come out against illegal personal intrusions:

It is immaterial that the recently purloined photos revealed under-dressed celebrities. And, yet, being human we often find ourselves torn between our own right to privacy and our dissolute desires as voyeurs and gossips in an image-and trivia-fueled culture. How much we indulge our inquiring minds is an individual choice. But certainly we can agree that stolen private nudes of actresses (or of anyone, really) is crossing the double yellow line.

Technically I think she means a double double yellow line. If I recall my DMV pamphlet, you can make a left turn across a double yellow line in a commercial district unless it’s a Tuesday or Adrian Peterson is your daddy. Lewinsky goes on to associate her own victimhood with that of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton who didn’t have cigars shoved up their twats by chubby letches, but female victimhood is a big tent.

If you’re like me, you don’t take sides in a social argument until Monica Lewinsky has weighed in. That’s not a fat joke unless you want it to be.

Beyonce Bikini Photos Shared by Beyonce

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

Beyonce Bikini
If I was a hot bodied woman, I’d lock myself in a bedroom in front of a large mirror and masturbate myself until the fire department kicked down the door and put me in hand restraints. Even then I’d find a way to get my paws onto my tits and shove a seamen’s locker worth of objects up my cooch. I don’t blame Beyonce for sending out photos of herself in a bikini. It’s her version of holding up a high school diploma in a smiling family photo. Everybody should be proud of something. For the intellectually retarded, why not some T&A photos. We’re all God’s creatures.

Photo Credit: Beyonce

Ana Braga Is a Bears Fan

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Ana Braga Wears A Bikini While Stretching In Miami
Brazilian models with nice asses and not much work are notorious frontrunners. This chick got some Bears gear within minutes of Chicago beating the Niners on national television. There are no official rules for women when it comes to bandwagoning your football loyalties. If she were a dude, he’d have to be jumped and beaten for the fresh team merch in-season. Then we’d probably all fuck him because of how hot his ass looked in Bears booty shorts.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Kim Kardashian Making More Babies

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 9:58 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears See Through Leggings While Leaving The Doctors In LA
According to the celebrity asslinguists at HollywoodLife, Kim Kardashian is over the haters who called her Shamu the last time she got pregnant and all her previously imprisoned fat cells multiplied at rates that made even Ebola jealous. Kim’s now ready to have a legitimate baby. A little nugget to add to her collection of future exploited child stars and aborted fetuses Kris buried in the pet cemetery next to the gun Khloe consumed en masse after her marital breakup. You can see Kim here leaving the doctors office in those stretch pants Lululemon recalled because they were too sheer for fat women.

The thought of more Kardashian babies appeals to me as much as the Israelis feel knowing the Palestinians are reproducing at two to three times their rate. At some point, the bad people are forming a human ladder and coming over any wall we build. I have a nightmare about dozens of new Kardashians fucking around in Range Rovers and calling out haters on the Internet with poorly worded inspirational phrases. Maybe military technology will someday invent a neutron bomb that leaves Calabasas intact and only wipes out the assholes. Or it could wipe out the city as well, a small price to pay for the genetic cleansing.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Rihanna, the NFL, and Face Punching: The Real Story

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 8:23 AM

Rihanna

The NFL’s Three Stooges stop motion scramble to cover its ass in the wake of the Ray Rice scandal involved some buffoonery with using a Rihanna song in the new pre game show. The NFL apparently planned to use the song as a tie in to the domestic violence elephant in their guilt laden repentance tinged opening. They put out a press release advertising the former punching bag’s involvement in the show.

“CBS & NFL Network ‘Run This Town’ for Thursday Night Football Open with Music Featuring Rihanna & Narration by Don Cheadle.”

Rihanna’s people felt this was exploitive because her involvement was limited to background music, and it was obvious the NFL was involved in some ham fisted PR bullshit so juvenile it was most likely conceived of under some bleachers. According to them, Rihanna’s label didn’t grant the rights to use the song because of this.

“Due to the misuse and misrepresentation of Rihanna’s name and participation in connection to CBS TNF, CBS was not allowed to license and utilize the song ‘Run This Town.’ Roc Nation made the decision to not grant the song’s usage.”

The NFL responded by pretending to voluntarily exclude the song from the show, insinuating that they did it in good taste, which is the same reason they wanted to use the song before they were not able to. Basically the NFL thinks they run our cultural landscape like Kim Jong un rules North Korea. If he misses a putt, someone will either move the green or tap it in when he’s not looking. Surely they are onto the fact that we all know they are lying and twisting everything, and still have no choice but to watch football. Its called a dictatorship. Rihanna should be pissed, although she doesn’t mind being taken advantage of and will quickly wash away the pain by banging a strange man with sideburns on a yacht.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Dwight Howard Can’t Stop

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 8:00 AM

DH

Dwight Howard was busted by red light cameras 9 times in 10 months for not waiting and just going through them, presumably on dark Florida nights headed for some parking lot blow jobs at the Chuck E Cheese. It’s very satisfying to run those lights when no cars are within sight. You promise yourself you’ll use the time you saved to write a letter to your grandma or organize your closet until you get home and start looking at porn. Howard stopped his habit at 9 tickets, but recently got another one which means a suspended license. He can reinstate it for $285 bucks, because you can drag race through red lights on bath salts if you keep paying the state of Florida. In California he would have been thrown into county for having an oversized license plate frame. No wonder he ditched the Lakers.

Warren Buffet, Ringmaster

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 7:32 AM

FloydWarren

Warren Buffet had plans to walk Floyd Mayweather into the ring along with Justin Bieber and Wiz Khalifa during the most recent boring preordained Mayweather decision. But Buffet’s company kiboshed his bucket list bastardization. Not because Mayweather is a self-promoting illiterate batterer of men and women, but because a Mayweather documentary shows his posse hanging out smoking weed. Its a good thing corporate America has their priorities in line. Weed bad, violence, meh, it wins wars. Buffet still hung out with Mayweather before the fight in an attempt to duplicate Mayweather’s sociopathic steely eyed look the next time he has to tell a hundred factory workers he’s moving the plant to China. Sorry, fellas, but here’s Justin Bieber to sing you out.

Photo Credit: Instagram