Ellen Brings Down the Hammer

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 8:59 AM

Ellen-and-Portia-at-the-GLAAD-Awards

Dolce & Gabbana took another hit from the gay community when Ellen lambasted the unambiguously gay duo for making comments in an Italian magazine about in-vitro fertilization being as awful as pairing beige slacks with a taupe sweater. In a quirk of expectations, the designing ex-couple mentioned that babies should come from men and women fucking. Elton John took round one of the wagging finger of shame last week, followed by Ellen this week. It’s like a one two sucker punch of gay mafia interpretation of the free in free speech meaning you’re free to speak like me.

It’s not even worth commenting on because they’re, you know, ignorant.

Though Ellen did then comment by saying she’d never ever wear their clothes again. She was going to say ‘buy’ when she remembered all her designer clothes come for free. Ellen’s soulmate and surprisingly nimble finger puppet Portia de Rossi took a more reasoned approach to the D&G controversy:

The only thing you can say is that, you know, we’re all entitled to free speech. However, I just don’t understand who they are. I don’t understand why they would want to say that.

Maybe because they were raised in traditional Italian Catholic homes and they believe it? Fuck if I know the moral origin of their theories on ideal reproduction I know you don’t. They’re not campaining to outlaw IVF. They’re just two guys who make dresses and handbags who have an opinion you don’t like. No matter, your bitch going to fuck them up something proper. A little diversity training.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Iggy Azalea Got New Boobs And No One Noticed

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

Iggy Azalea Got New Boobs And No One Noticed
Iggy Azalea got new boobs four months ago. She probably could’ve said nothing and we’d still just be talking about her fake ass she still won’t admit she gets injected. I’m not sure how her kid fans feel about all of this, but Azalea seems pretty nonplussed.

“At first, Azalea didn’t want to come out publicly about her enhancement, fearing it would send a harmful message to young girls, a majority of her fans. “But then,” she said, “I decided I wasn’t into secret-keeping.”

Other than those about her first husband, the sex tape, her record deal, why she really kind of left Twitter, or that fake ass again. These types of parsed disclosures just provide me greater respect for skilled liars. Those people who tell untruths seamlessly, effortlessly, and without fanfare. My dad lied about everything. He was so good I didn’t realize he was full of shit until I was fifteen. That was fifteen years of believing my model airplane birthday present got lost in the mail, again. I hated the USPS, but I loved my dad. Now, imagine those fifteen years filled with doubt and rage and insecurity. That’s Iggy Azalea casually admitting her tits are fake. If she let me bang her new implants, we could both be made whole again.

Photo Credit: Getty

American Apparel Ditches Amateur Porn

By Matt March 25, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

AP#

Since American Apparel CEO Dov Charney was fired for being the Pete Rose of sexual harrassment the company is looking to clean up its image and will be fazing out their ads featuring featuring Hollywood newbies spreading their ass cheeks for thirty dollars. Their new Senior VP of Marketing, Cynthia Erland, reportedly told employees to only cast professional ‘traditional’ models and not chicks they meet at the bus stop looking to exchange favors for a McRib. Erland insists the company will be open to fat models and then applied for another job:

“American Apparel embraces body types of all shapes, ethnicities and sizes, and our model casting has and will continue to reflect this.”

They also recently airbrushed the pubes and nipples out of their website and will presumably be covering their models’ anuses with a merkin unlike in years past. How are you going to sell cool tees if I can’t rub one out to your ad on the back of the local Weekly? You just sunk the company Erland. I can see models anywhere. My teen neighbor’s pubes while I’m stuck in traffic, not as often.

Photo Credit: AmericanApparel.com 

Ray J Quits

By Matt March 25, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

RJ

Occasional rapper and stunt cock Ray J has quit Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood because he reportedly wants to spend more time with his girlfriend Princess Love who recently beat the shit out him. Ray J’s ex-girlfriend and poor woman’s Rihanna, Teairra Mari, is also a cast member and apparently this was causing some manufactured conflicts like what happens in shitty reality shows. Ray J reportedly offered to stay on the show if he could only shoot scenes he hand selected, at which point he was laughed at and threatened with the cattle prod by producers. After refusing their promises of multiple gold stars he is still off the show. If you are wondering how this will effect the show your life is wasting away before your eyes. Please wear condoms you two assholes. It’s never too late to go back to high school.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

NFL Player Pens Mathematics Paper

By Matt March 25, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

JU

John Urschel, offensive guard for the Baltimore Ravens, published a paper in the Journal of Computational Mathematics. Before your world falls apart and you raid a Costco realize Urschel is Canadian. The title of the paper is “A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fielder Vector of Graph Laplacians.” Right on. If that doesn’t make sense, Urschel elaborates:

“In this paper, we develop a cascadic multigrid algorithm for fast computation of the Fiedler vector of a graph Laplacian, namely, the eigenvector corresponding to the second smallest eigenvalue. This vector has been found to have applications in fields such as graph partitioning and graph drawing. The algorithm is a purely algebraic approach based on a heavy edge coarsening scheme and pointwise smoothing for refinement. To gain theoretical insight, we also consider the related cascadic multigrid method in the geometric setting for elliptic eigenvalue problems and show its uniform convergence under certain assumptions.”

How is this guy not famous? I know domestic violence cuts across all demographics but I bet it cuts across mathematical nerds just an eigenvector or two less than most. The Kardashians are household names who fart around in their crotchless pajamas and can’t even properly measure the size of the dicks they’re taking. If you have kids I’d implore you to buy them an Urschel jersey. Get one for your racist uncle too. There aren’t many role models left since they stopped airing those Werther’s Original commercials. Watch the helmet to helmet guys, our world depends on it.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Michael Sam Done Done

By Matt March 25, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

MSam

Michael Sam bombed at the NFL Veteran’s Combine. This second go-round was probably his last chance to ever make a team which was half of the bargain when he decided to be the first openly gay or straight American athlete to ever insist his sexuality be a part of his conversation. Scouts, agents, General Managers and the homeless dude with a lanyard there for the free Gatorade had various negative comments:

“My real honest opinion is that he was flat out horrible. He did not belong out there… He thinks he’s a superstar. It would be nice if he could do something on the field to back up the attitude…The concern was that he didn’t look focused on the game. He regressed.” 

Let this be a lesson. Do your job first. If you want to butt fuck your boyfriend in the Mall of America while Oprah shouts encouragement, do it after you’re named Defensive Rookie of the Year or you win a Super Bowl. Ninety percent of the people who would’ve cared will no longer care. Securing reality TV deals before your first game means you care more about being gay than playing football, which again was half of the deal. Now you’re just another annoying dude from Dancing with the Stars. Take a seat next to Rumer Willis who probably knows better than to arm tackle during scouting sessions.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

H&M Officially In The Poser Biz

By Matt March 25, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

HM

Clothing store H&M has been selling T-Shirts of metal bands which don’t exist because the dumbasses who shop at H&M don’t know the difference. Buy them and say you went to the concert and got loaded even though you don’t venture anywhere that doesn’t have a Wetzel’s within a fifty foot radius and your dental insurance policy specifically states no small venues. H&M to their credit did not stop with making the fake band T-Shirts. They’ve begun creating fake websites, Facebook, and Twitter accounts for the non-existent bands they’re pushing. They’re also inventing people who don’t exist to review the albums which don’t exist. Until now. They announced they have created:

“A demonstration sampler… showcasing the talents of these old-school underground metal talents.”

Translated, they are hiring out of work metal musicians to create shitty songs to be attributed to the bands they created to sell T-Shirts instead of just admitting they made up the bands. The songs have interesting titles such as “Vaginal Juice Dripping Into Cadaverous” and “Holocaust Tomb.” It seems some of the bands H&M invented have ties to the White Supremacy scene. Maybe that’s their demo. Next time you see a teenager wearing a Misfits shirt as him where he got it. Then strip it off him and call his mom from his Life Alert. This is the end of days.

UPDATE: I may have fucked up. While it is certain H&M created the fake band names, it remains unclear whether they had anything to do with creating webpages or music for the bands. It is possible they were being trolled.

Photo Credit: Hm.com/us

Behati Prinsloo See Through

By Lex March 24, 2015 @ 1:10 PM

Behati Prinsloo See Through For Victorias Secret
That awkward moment when you accidentally catch sight of your buddy’s wife’s nipples. You shouldn’t look, but you do. God made your nuts, he didn’t write anybody’s wedding vows. I don’t know what to say. You’re a pig. Embrace it. She’s got nice nips.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret