Shia LaBeouf Ruins America And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 30, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Shia LaBeouf once again shamed our nation by acting like a self-absorbed thicket of dick cheese at Mt. Rushmore. He ran around and screamed like a dildo about America in a sarcastic way. I hope the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt skull fucks him to death.

Watch Shia do what he does. (TMZ)

Ashley Greene was sporting an itty bitty bikini in Staten Island. (Egotastic)

Iggy Azalea and Britney Spears have a Twitter bitch fight. (Huffington Post)

Christina Milian wears a pair of see-through pants. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hailey Clauson, no bra, big ‘ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

Dakota Fanning’s pasty flesh just made me gay. (Popoholic)

Titties of all sizes just for you! (The Chive)

Miley Cyrus Still Breaking Barriers

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

Miley Cyrus Nude Covered In Mud
Miley Cyrus has committed herself to tearing down the subjugating two gender system that mistreats and misunderstands teenagers that want to be girls somedays and boys the other. Miley has been touring the nation taking photographs of up to three of these teens in various states of cross-dressing discussing what it means to be ‘gender expansive’. If you weren’t certain this was a huge problem before following Miley’s #InstaPride project, you won’t be certain after either. For her part, Miley has committed to show off her tits and her underarm hair in uncomfortable photographs until school P.E. teachers are no longer defined by boys coach or girls coach and girls are getting their vaginas injured badly during dodgeball. Sit tight, America. This will all be over shortly.

Photo Credit: Paper Magazine

Ireland Baldwin Topless Covered In Sand

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 9:07 AM

Ireland Baldwin Topless Covered In Sand
Ireland Baldwin is back from rehab where she was treated for booze and casual lesbianism. Baldwin finds serenity in taking pictures of herself holding her tits in the sand. It’s a classic Promises Malibu bridging technique. She was robbed of her childhood by the Guatemalan nannies who raised her. Re-discover your inner child and run as fast and as far away as possible. If you get to the equator your genetic destiny no longer holds. Your dad just called a cabbie a faggot and fucked a baby into his yoga instructor. Mom was found sobbing in a dumpster in the valley. Keep South. Pick up the pace.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Zendaya Hair Still Repping Black

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 8:59 AM

Zendaya-on-Twitter

Zendaya is that suburban chick with a black dad whose name comes up every awards show when she dons fake hair and causes politically correct people to panic. She got the anorexic booted off Fashion Police for mocking the dread extensions she had done at Jose Eber before the Oscar’s. For the BET Awards she put on a really short wig so people could say they hated it and she could pretend she was the central figure in 12 Years a Slave:

Zendaya-on-Twitter

You grew up in Orinda. You constructed half of a perfectly written sentence. I’m calling bullshit on the ebonics half-pike finish. It’s hard being black these days. Ask Rachel Dolezal. And she started out with two cracker parents. Don’t commit now, but consider announcing you’re a lesbian. If your civil rights aren’t as current as your hair style, you’re doing it wrong.

Kim Kardashian Prepares to Breast Feed London

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

Kim Kardashian Major See Through Cleavage In London
Seeing Kim Kardashian play London with her pregnancy boobs reminds us that hookers don’t get maternity leave. I’m sure SCOTUS is on that. If Kim’s tits disappear from public view for more than twenty-four hours, she ceases to be a real girl and goes back to being a wood carving on an old man’s nightstand covered in decades of jizz. Quick, somebody say what a good mom she is so we can nod our heads and pretend we’re decent folk. Where’s the baby again? Just kidding. Nice dress.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Escaped Con’s Mom Has Values

By Matt June 30, 2015 @ 7:51 AM

Mom

Your name is Sweat. Strike one. The escaped upstate New York killer David Sweat was arrested and someone promptly called his mom because she’s definitely available. Weekends, holidays, she has no job. People think of New York as baseball and hot dogs. Drive an hour north and you’re counting the kilos until Alabama. Or Ontario. Have another drink. The older Sweat made it available to the lazy press that she doesn’t condone murderers. You could have said that when you were condoning dropouts and things would be different:

“My son knows if he would’ve came here, I would’ve knocked him out and have them guys take him to jail by themselves, because that’s the way I am”

Insightful. Maybe next time you’re getting a train run on you during playtime factor in the future complications. Canada’s an hour away. Pull the fucking trigger.

Photo Credit: CNN 

Floyd Mayweather Going Through Motions

By Matt June 30, 2015 @ 7:04 AM

Car

Floyd Mayweather is dumber than your dumbest friend. And that guy’s retarded. He’s made quite a bit of money but that can’t reform the school system in Detroit. In plain English he doesn’t know how to read or therefore count. He just bought a car that costs 5 million dollars. That’s the equivalent of you dropping a hundred grand on a Big Mac. He’ll be dead within a year. You can’t take it with you. I think. Don’t beat your kids. Maybe just don’t have them. Your friend could kick his ass. He’s over 160.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kanye West Delusional

By Matt June 30, 2015 @ 6:22 AM

West

Kanye West made some bold statements at a show people actually paid money for. The too high or not high enough patrons immediately regretted their decision to enter the Glastonbury Music Festival. You’re not twelve. West quoted himself as being the “Greatest living rock star on the planet” which is easy to do if you can’t play any instruments. David Bowie, Neil Young, Keith Richards, and a host of other dudes will never read this. The sad thing is the chick you met at the club would one hundred percent blow him. If you have the time it’s easy to be pretend eccentric and call yourself a genius. It worked.

Photo Credit: Instagram