Lena Dunham in Lingerie Selfie

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Lena-Dunham-in-Lingerie-Instagram

Lena Dunham posted a photo of herself in lingerie because she’s super body positive. Also, because she’s being paid by a lingerie company.  It’s long been Dunham’s dream to make one million men taste the remnants of the grilled cheese sandwich they never quite digested in the fourth grade. That part of the Internet where girls equate showing off your fat naked body on Instagram to the Montgomery Bus Boycott went into a tizzy:

Lena Dunham’s lingerie photo is her latest body posi effort on social media, and power to the writer and actress for once again being badass and fearless when it comes to showing off her body… Dunham wore a pistachio green, lacy set from Lonely Lingerie, a company who makes “intimates for ladies who view lingerie as a love letter to themselves,” as opposed to, say, being something solely utilized to entice a lover. Can we veer off topic for a second for me to say that I’m in lurve? What a refreshing concept! — Amy Sciaretto, Bustle.com

Power to Lena. Not the power to lay off the carbs or the power to resist burning an innocent dude in your book with implied rape allegations, but the power to not entice a lover with this lingerie. I’d have to call this a success. Amy Sciaretto might be in lurv, but your visual love letter to yourself just cost me a decent erection for the next ninety-six hours. I’m sending you a copy of The Feminine Mystique and a poncho. I call truce.

A$AP Rocky Banged Nine Chicks While on Acid

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 7:44 AM

ASAP-Rocky

I had to look up this dude’s name since his ‘mob’s’ hip hop logo was on those inane upside down American flag t-shirts being sold by PacSun. A$AP Rocky dropped acid at SXSW festival in Austin and banged nine girls, three at a time, while he was tripping. Back at his mansion. Naturally. Who the fuck are these people? There is so much money now in rap music that every new moon there’s a dozen new juvenilely named rappers living in mansions plowing a room full of chicks while seeing Ghandi play checkers with Mr. Spock. The black population of this country isn’t statistically ample enough to be supporting this massive industry cash flow. I blame white people. Nobody jumps a bandwagon quite like suburban towheads. They’re buying the latest hot player jerseys in the store, the PacSun A$AP upside down flag t-shirts, and gobbling up merchandise from rap artists they hadn’t heard of as of this morning. Fuck, I hate everybody. Except A$ASP Rocky. Nine chicks on acid is simply impressive. Don’t hate the player. Hate the chick who stuck around to go last. Heaven holds a place for girls with big hearts.

Tatiana Eriksen Bends Over In Malibu

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

Tatiana Eriksen Wears A Thong Swimsuit In Malibu
I’m sure this woman doesn’t exist on paper. The bottled water bastards invented her. Maybe from one of those human trafficking rings that steals decent looking babies to sell to Rosie O’Donnell during her frequent episodes of marriage. This one fit the wet suit and has a stellar ass. Don’t ever ask what happened to those 245 hot bikini models you saw last year once or twice but never again. They went to live on the farm with your childhood dog, Strutter. They’re there running through the fields and sleeping in the hay loft at night. Ignore the shallow unmarked graves, that’s where the farmer keeps the ice cream sundaes and doggy treats.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

PacSun Understands America

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 12:20 PM

PacSun-Selling-Upsides-Down-Flag-Tees

Depictions of the American flag inverted are clearly contrary both to American tradition and U.S. federal code. The upside down stars and stripes are reserved for signals of immediate and emergency distress, such as, I’ve got Mormons with pamphlets on my doorstep. In modern times, malcontents with a lack of creativity have used the flipped over flag to express their outrage over the state of the union with specific animus at electronic food stamps cards negating their purchase of margarita mix. But PacSun has a different reason altogether. They’re selling $24 t-shirts woven from Indonesian slave cottons and stamped with the A$AP hip hop logo to suburban teens whose identities are wrapped up in their hoodie signatures. There can be no greater dedication to the American spirit than the kind of capitalism that takes money from mall teenagers and transfers it to big businessmen whose sinister giggles are shallow covers for their erectile dysfunction. On a day when we honor the U.S. Armed Forces and the intentionally or unintentionally brave souls who risk their lives keeping America awesome, we should honor PacSun for the crass ingenuity that makes this country worth protecting in the first place. There are so many ways to be great in this country, even horrible terrible ones. America, fuck yeah, Memorial Day edition.

Photo credit: Facebook/Heroe Hunting

Marko Jaric Soaks His Tired Weiner

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 11:24 AM

Marko Jaric Takes A Dip With His New Girlfriend In Miami
Here’s why you might want to be a professional athlete instead of a nuclear scientist or a Dairy Queen Assistant Manager. I’ve been one of those. The tail is to die for. Marko Jaric and his six year NBA career was the definition of ho hum. He bounced between teams once they realized he was vastly overpaid for his performance, shipped out at age thirty to play a couple more years in the European leagues with the funky keys. While he was still a working NBA guy, he hitched up Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima into a couple of kids until she dumped him for banging every other woman they both knew. Jaric had to wait thirty-seven seconds to land on this new chick. I could look her up in the League of Adriatic Models but I’m going to bet she does unfiltered cigarette commercials in Belgrade. Or did. Now she’s got the big fish. He doesn’t even play anymore. He owns burger chains and vodka companies and about half the arable land in Montenegro. If I could do it all over again I’d be 6’7 and super coordinated.  For once I’d like a girl to love me out of completely crass self-interest. I’ve heard the sex is better, or at least, more frequent, which is the same thing.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kesha Dazed at Rehab

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 10:26 AM

Kesha Seems Dazed At Rehab Pool Party In Las Vegas
Ever since Vegas went to shit there’s been an unwritten rule that the hotel pools have to have celebrity hosts on the big weekends. It’s a draw for the cocaine sniffing junior Hollywood agents who spend Monday through Friday telling everybody where they’re going to be on Saturday. For the casinos, it’s a casting burden that leaves you rolling out the likes of Kesha baked out of her gourd and wearing something resembling what that big girl whose parents kept her in ballet far too long had on for her final recital. I’m not sure whose inspired to drink or do drugs staring into Kesha’s eyes at eleven a.m, let alone jump into a pool where in a world run by stern moms she would be surrounded by red dye confirming her leaks. It should be enough that ambitious girls with nice bodies are in bikinis by the pool. Escort Kesha back to her butter filled sarcophagus and open again on 10/31.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kylie Jenner Comfortable In Her Skin

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 10:08 AM

Kylie Jenner Wears Bikinis
Kylie Jenner’s people had the bright idea to deflect attention away from her statutory rapey relationship with rapper Tyga by spending the holiday weekend posting pictures of her presumably studying for finals. It’s pretty crass to accuse a seventeen year old of using sex to spin the conversation away from sex, but there’s no single Kardashian public relations strategy that doesn’t involve sins of the flesh, from tits right on through to lopping off cocks. I suppose there’s some relative or family friend somewhere whose had the moral fortitude to tell Kylie that going through life as a whore is not all fun and games. I wish they could’ve captured Kylie’s pshaw at that moment. Then the signature sound of Kris Jenner’s blade hacking through the neck of this would be do-gooder. This particular expedition has no return ticket.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Abigail Ratchford’s Tits In Playboy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 25, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

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In the world of tits there are few that can compete with Abigail Ratchford’s sweater hams. Well, they are going to be featured in Playboy. Finally, a reason to keep on living.

Read all about the coming tit storm. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio’s cleavage will make your male parts happy. (Egotastic)

Kris Jenner is now getting shit for NOT using the N-word. You can’t fucking win. (TMZ)

Selena Gomez wears a see-through bodysuit lingerie combo because Selena Gomez. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane Gigi Paris in a bikini is a wonderful fucking thing, y’all. (Popoholic)

Katy Perry hasn’t talked to man-woman Russell Brand since he broke up with her via text. (Dlisted)

What better way to celebrate Memorial Day than looking at giant tits. (The Chive)