By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 8:01 AM
Chrissy Tiegen posted a photo of her ass which raises some questions. Who is the dude laying next to you and who took this picture? Why is that person wearing dungarees and you’re naked save for a bra jammed up your ass? That water looks choppy and I can see the goosebumps on your ass from the hull. Seems like you’re forcing it. We could either head down to the cabin and have some hot chocolate or make the captain film some anal on the deck. How long until the lawsuit? Head North to Portland this UVA is getting to be a bit much. Is she lounging or simply dead or cholera?
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 7:08 AM
Fifty Cent testified in court that he is broke and all his displays of wealth are total bullshit. He recently lost a lawsuit for posting a sex video of a woman online, and has been ordered to pay her $5 million. That was an expensive joke. While it’s clear that like most rappers and Donald Trump, Fifty’s wealth was all show, it’s still in his best interest to appear as broke as possible to delay paying his revenge porn victim. Still, your dad was right about these rappers:
“Those cars were rented… It’s like music videos, they say action and you see all these fancy cars but everything goes back to the dealership… I borrowed from the jeweler.”
He also claims to wear a Casio instead of a Rolex and never buys the fancy salad dressing. Still Fifty is no Alan Greenspan and in fact isn’t even Jewish and does occasionally splurge. He owns a 21 bedroom house in Connecticut and several Joseph A Bank suits because they’re buy 1 get the store for free. His lawyer is claiming his bank account is down to $1,737, although estimates put his net worth at around $5 million. You might just want to pay her, you’re looking like a real asshole. Even worse, a cheap asshole. Do we need a reservation at this Shakey’s? When’s happy hour?
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 22, 2015 @ 6:12 AM
42 year old bobble head Heidi Klum posed for her new line of intimates, perfect to slip on after a romantic evening of rice cakes and laxatives. Klum looks pretty good for her age if she were serving time for possession. You can boil life down to not getting fat and regular trips to the spa. That is if you host a TV show which pays you a million dollars a word to sit there and nod. Beyond that if you’re willing to survive on a diet of boiled water condensation you should be good to go. Stop licking the stove you’ve reached your limit. Do you need a spotter for those heels? Why did you buy this perverted novelty costume for the cat? These don’t fit have you been watching Skeletor’s reality show again? I thought intimate meant we take our clothes off. Why are you wasting money? Get this chick a neck brace. I definitely still would.
Photo Credit: HeidiKlumIntimates.com
By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 12:36 PM
The FYI network, which is apparently an actual TV channel seen across the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and parts of Bakersfield, announced a Khloe Kardashian hosted talk show unlike anything that has ever been seen before on television, or the FYI network, or the universe:
The series [Kocktails] will feature regular celebrity guests and friends who will join Kim Kardashian’s younger sis in the kitchen and around the table for “an intimate dinner party filled with cooking, pop culture, conversation, and outrageously fun party games.
The family has tried to push their big shouldered mutt into opportunities of her own before and the results have been frightening. When Khloe froze up reading the teleprompter on the X-Factor it was like watching King Kong in the paparazzi lights right before busting out of his chains. I shit myself and those around me. Unless the outrageous party games include releasing her O.J. DNA test and power lifting, I’m sticking to the traditional Kardashian spinoffs. The morbidly obese have enough programming. More motorcycles on ice please.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack July 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
I find Anna Kendrick perplexing. I can’t tell if she’s hot or not. Sometimes I want to ride her like the Cyclone in Coney Island and other times I am repulsed by her man chin. One day I will get to the bottom of this mystery.
Judge for yourself. (Popoholic)
Draya Michele’s titties are my new muse. (Busted Coverage)
Sandra Carolina wets her t-shirt/shows off her tits. (Egotastic All-Stars)
It’s not just Charlotte McKinney’s tits we love, it’s also her legs. (TMZ)
Rachel Hilbert models lingerie because it’s her job. (Drunken Stepfather)
But let’s talk about Olivia Wilde’s nipples. (Hollywood Tuna)
Who says nerd girls aren’t fuckable? (The Chive)
By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:59 AM
Lindsay Lohan was sent to Greece to remind those debt skating motherfuckers what happens when you turn your back on an obligation to the EU. Everybody retiring on government pension at forty-five doesn’t sound so idyllic when HSV’s one through five are percolating in the Aegean. Start pressing the olives that much harder. Juan Pierre will be by on Tuesday. Next comes an air drop of Donatella Versace’s vivisected skin trimmings. There will be no passover.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 10:19 AM
By rough count this chick is only five more bottled water shoots away from affording decent dental care. It’s not enough just to stand in front of some stranger’s fancy car and tug your unwashed hair. You’re not in Minsk anymore. The big jugs are a start but that’s just your foundation. The town is crawling with foundation. Consider fucking a Duggar out of wedlock followed by an attempted suicide. And plates over implants if you’re planning on dating anybody abusive. God gave you a brain for a reason. Use it.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 21, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
Mellie Stanley is a cast member of Gypsy Sisters, a reality show on TLC which features a bunch of West Virginian gypsies talking about shopping. It’s a great watch if you’re ever sitting in your garage with the car idling attempting to give yourself carbon monoxide poisoning. Gypsy is an offensive term used to refer to certain transient people of Eastern European descent, or just poser rednecks with dark hair who count as black in West Virginia. Gypsies travel by caravan and steal hubcaps. They don’t live in shitty tract homes in Wheeling and defame their own people on television. Stanley and her husband were apparently arguing about who had more AIDS and he beat the shit out of her and threw her dog across the room, killing it.
TLC really knows how to pick them. A show about forced sodomy in prison or a self harming competition would fit nicely in their sophisticated lineup of pederast condoning inbreds. Maybe they should just boil down the essence of their creative endeavors and reduce their show load to two separate programs of fat people eating Hardees and snorting oxy followed by explicit images of child pornography and dog beating. The guy’s been charged with felony animal cruelty so hopefully he’ll get a visit from Michael Vick while he’s in the joint being videotaped by TLC as he’s getting corn holed in the showers. He’d have been better off killing her instead. Dogs are polling high right now.
Photo Credit: Facebook