By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 12:32 PM
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s new reality show, LeAnn and Eddie, because Crazy and Shmucky was apparently already taken, debuted this week on VH-1. The classy couple are fronting the show as a chance for them to explain the real LeAnn and Eddie beyond the tabloid headlines. Then they proceed to spend the entire episode discussing the tabloid headlines because even if they don’t realize it, the show producers know it’s the only only possible reason for people to watch this kind of magic:.
Eddie: “We were both married to other people when we fell in love. And I know most of you think my wife is a homewrecker and a stalker.”
LeAnn: “You’re forgetting alcoholic, pill popper and children stealer! And you’re also a moocher, you have no job, and you married me for my money.”
Ha, ha… wait, isn’t most of that true? Nope. If you watch the show you can learn that they are actually just a happy go lucky pair of narcissistic media-obsessed divorced vindictive a-holes trying to turn a buck off their own tawdry reputations. Then after watching the show you can ask yourself why you just spent an hour tuned into LeAnn and Eddie when you could’ve been driving a large nail through your nuts. The experiences are similar but only one will haunt you forever.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Victoria Silvstedt had no time for tears after her chubby French midget benefactor revoked her Amex black. Where other kept women see peril, Victoria saw an opportunity to gobble up the last remaining drachmas in Greece by working the wharf in Mykonos. She raised her hand in the international sign of the world’s oldest profession. Within two minutes a Zodiac Mark 6 carrying somebody loosely related to Socrates came by and picked her up for a tour of his many child trafficking way stations throughout the archipelago. This is no different than Edgerrin James taking that fat contract with the Cardinals. When you can see the end of your career, you can’t afford to listen to the critics.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 11:47 AM
Phillip Hoffman didn’t leave any money to his kids. He didn’t want his children to be trust fund brats, which he helped insure by blowing liberal amounts of their inheritance on heroin. In his own dad is laying naked in a flop house shitter with surgical tubing around his arm kind of way, he was a great father. Apart from not giving them any money, Hoffman took the step of guilt tripping his kids into living in areas with inflated rent:
“It is my strong desire my son, Cooper Hoffman, be raised and reside in or near the borough of Manhattan, Chicago, Illinois, or San Francisco, California,”
Maybe through his purple haze he might have checked the housing section on Craigslist and noticed the only people who can afford to live in San Francisco anymore are trust fund kids and Google executives. In passing down pretty much nothing but his addict genes he could have at least left enough dough for up to three sober living housing stints per child. I like the concept of not wanting to turn your kids into Brandon Davis or Paris Hilton, but I’m not sure merely cutting off their welfare checks from beyond the grave is the answer. There’s something to be said for providing life lessons pre-morten to the little ones. You know, other than I love you, Little Cooper, just not quite as much as getting super fucking high.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 10:39 AM
Ashley Sky seems to have survived her session in the Terry Richardson studios. The South American girls are a bit heartier than those Hungarian girls who feel the need to piss and moan every time a photographer whips out his dick and announces it’s time to see the rattler bite. In Brazil they educate the girls from an early age with photos of creepy men with mustaches jizzing on the cheeks of caricature girls who politely smile, ask for a hanky, then discreetly request the cover of Vogue in four more sessions. Eastern Bloc girls born after the toilet paper lines have become quite spoiled.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 10:08 AM
Anderson Cooper got kind of graphic on Bravo Andy Cohen’s talk show when was asked to reveal a secret about Cohen and replied with:
“I know a lot of secrets about Andy, but I guess the one that would surprise people the most is that he’s a top… Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m just saying…”
I think Cohen was looking for something like ‘He puts ketchup on his eggs’ or ‘He secretly watches Duck Dynasty’ not ‘He likes to slam his dick into men’s asses.’ Apparently Cooper is confusing his out of the closet status with homaging Andy Dick. As a wealthy gay male in the media, Anderson Cooper wields more power than God. He could service his partner from behind his anchor desk to demonstrate what Israel wants from Hamas in order to quit their ground assault and nobody could do a thing. But with tremendous power comes tremendous responsibility. And not necessarily the responsibility for remind everybody about Andy Cohen and his Hamptons orgies and Tindr trolling. I’m for everybody banging whoever the hell they want. I’m also for everybody shutting the fuck up about it. That second part being far more important.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:55 AM
Childhood trauma, drinking, drugs, anorexia, prison, failed careers. These are among the things that simply can’t keep the Lohan sisters down. Those two chin-up girls donned some ill fitting bikinis for their respectively awkward shaped bodies and hit the high seas about ten feet off the coast of Capri, lest probation officer helicopters come swooping down. The girls swam and suntanned and played the liars poker game of ‘Daddy did worse to me’ which as always ended in a mix of giggles and violent tremors. It was a nice chance for the sisters to get together and talk about the latest summer fashions and how they never want to bring babies into this cruel world.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 8:48 AM
A lot of gossip rags talk the talk, but none are going to reach the bar we’re setting by completely prohibiting the photographic display, written discussion, or even the mere mention of celebrity kids dressed like itty bitty hookers. Just as an example, we will no longer be talking about Heidi Klum wardrobing her ten year old daughter like she’s ready to hit the clubs in Paris and maybe take a lover. That’s so inappropriate, you won’t find that indecency here. Check People. Now give me my Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and a cheese sandwich. God bless America.
Photo Credit: Splash