Don’t Fuck With Alex Trebek

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

T

When you heard Sony had its system hacked you must have been expecting better shit than this. Angelina Jolie sending full mastectomy nudes to the Head of Development. John Travolta admitting he sticks his penis in his wife and likes it. Something shocking. We got fucking Alex Trebek threatening to quit Jeopardy because he feels unsupported in his TV relationship. The trouble started when Trebek metaphorically bitch slapped some teen contestant in his trademark passive aggressive way by not allowing her to compete in Final Jeopardy. I don’t know the exact rules but he was actually in the right. Then the chick’s mom flipped out and started threatening to post Twitter photos of the kid’s tears in response. The network told Trebek to re-tape the segment. Then Trebek was like fuck it and fired off an email:

“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will. But I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the shit out of me.”

It’s a pretty serious job being a walking punchline. Sometimes the annoying people win by virtue of how annoying they are. If it really bothers you just picture their daily routine. It’s not worth it. Its tough finding shit to be pissed about and then getting booked on The View. Here’s to another eighty years, Big T.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Cosby’s Lifeless Foot Fetish

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Cos

A model is accusing Bill Cosby of drugging her and licking her toes and tits with some ferocity at the Playboy Mansion only about six years ago. It’s a new fetish chapter in the roofie Kama Sutra compendium Cosby is compiling. For those of us who don’t know many young formerly drugged and assaulted models in Hollywood or Las Vegas, we might be surprised to learn that tales and rumors of Cosby rapes have been going around the gossip circles for decades now, but nobody who mattered paid much attention.

Cosby’s legal fix-it man Marty Singer claims this is because all of the allegations are bogus and shouldn’t even be mentioned aloud lest Zeus hurl a lightning bolt toward earth for mortals being so impudent. Others might say that wealthy and beloved public figures can get away with pretty much anything, no matter who speaks out. But mostly people just want to not think about Bill Cosby licking some unconscious young chick with his old hairy man tongue. The interesting part of this latest drug rape allegation is that it falls within the Statute of Limitations, meaning Cosby could be prosecuted. Or he’ll just cut a fat check to the chick with the soppy toes and she’ll drop the charges. People are strange when you’re a stranger.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

If A Tree Falls In The Forest Did You Get Punched In The Face?

By Matt December 17, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

NHL Guy

Hot Russian chick Marta Varlamova now claims her L.A. Kings husband Slava Voynov didn’t hit her in the face and she just ran into a flat screen TV while they were arguing over who whose mom makes the better borscht. Seems plausible, except to the LAPD who claim Marta told them on the record that Voynov went Ray Rice on her face. They’re insisting on domestic assault charges. Marta insists it’s all a misunderstanding stemming from her annoying accent and the cops both individually and as a group thinking about fucking her. Who knows why Marta changed her story. Maybe Slava phoned a guy he’s got back in Moscow and threatened to her entire family killed out to the third cousins. That runs you about forty bucks in the Motherland. The odds are strong they’ll have weird passionate Russian make-up sex that ends up as ‘Hot Chick Pays the Landlord With Her Pussy’ on RedTube. Getting face punched hurts less when your country’s main profession is standing around with a paper bag in your hand leaking bathtub vodka. Victimhood is entirely relative.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Demi Lovato’s Boobs Seem to Be Doing Well

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Demi Lovato Super Chesty For Allure Photoshoot
Demi Lovato is another in the chain of girls whose parents told them to let Barney touch them in their special spots if he promised they could continue to be his onscreen friend at SAG-weekly rates. Kids raised in Kurdish bombed out villages have statistically better outcomes than kids who came in contact with the purple dinosaur. When Baby Bop crossed the room in her leg irons to whisper, run, Demi, run, you should’ve listened. Granted, your mom would’ve put you right back because waitressing sucks that much. Besides, look at what’s become of you. Shut up with the cutting and the drugs and the bulimia and the suicide attempts, do you think any of your kindergarten classmates grew up to get a feature spread in Allure? Go write your mom a nice card.

Photo Credit: Allure

I’ll Ride With You, Just No Car Bombs Or Shit

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 2:16 PM

Barista-Flees-Sydney-Coffe-House-Siege

Only an idiot believe that all Muslims are terrorists. But, it’s slightly less idiotic to believe that all terrorists are Muslims. Because in 2014 in the Western world, that’s basically true, even if media outlets and political leaders find it really really hard to say aloud. When a whackjob Islamic cleric took hostages in a Sydney coffee shop on Monday, many kind souls went on Twitter and offered to ride along with Muslim garbed travelers on public transportation across Australia. This was to proactively shield them from being victims of Islamophobia, which is the fear that all the bad shit you believe about radical Islam is in fact true and they do want to kill you. The hashtag #IllRideWithYou spread across Australia, the U.K. and the U.S. where people couldn’t wait to offer to escort Muslim riders. It’s really just missing a slow clap to make it a movie moment.

With news today that more primitive minded Taliban nutjobs killed 130 kids in Pakistan for daring to go to school, the need for white non-hispanic metro buddies will likely increase even further. It’s a shame that the entire Muslim barrel has to suffer simply because a few million of their bad apples want to establish an Islamic Caliphate on earth and assassinate hundreds of millions of non-believers. I wholly endorse this ride-along program. Though, if you happen to be accompanying a nervous looking fellow who keeps grasping inside his jacket and asking you questions like, how volatile is C4, while on your way to Washington for a White House tour, please remember to withhold your prejudice and often him assistance with his bags. #WhyAreTheMediaSuchPussies?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jennifer Aniston’s Withered Womb And Shit Around The Web

By Jack December 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

460525478

Old crone Jennifer Aniston wants the media to stop pressuring her to shit out a flesh-colored baby turd already. This isn’t like asking the Yankees if they’re going after pitching in the offseason. Aniston’s about to turn 46. She can find sperm. She clearly doesn’t want a kid.

Jen might as well have her vagina removed and get an old lady haircut. (Dlisted)

Boxer Elliott Seymour admits he took a dive in that fight with Mickey Rourke. (TMZ)

I’d still like to make love to Jennifer Lopez’s booty. (Huffington Post)

Luci Ford covered topless? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)

Britney Daniels’ booty in short shorts will make your day. (Hollywood Tuna)

Oooooh, Edita Vilkeviciute wears lingerie and it is very very sexy. (Popoholic)

Sarah Palin porn star look-a-like Lisa Ann retires from fucking on screen for money. (Busted Coverage)

Rihanna Is Your New Puma Global Ambassador

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 11:08 AM

Rihanna Signs As Puma Creative Director And Brand Ambassador
I don’t know who the last Puma Global Ambassador was, but I guess they did a shitty job or got caught skinning a maid in a hotel room as Ambassadors seem to do. The German athletic wear company swiftly announced Rihanna as a replacement. She’s also being named the Creative Director of the Puma Women’s Apparel Line, the face of Puma for Fall 2015, and she will appear on the cover of the next printing of Puma’s We Didn’t Do Shit During World Word II color picture book that sits on their headquarters coffee tables. It’s unclear how Puma’s cross burgh rival Adidas will counter this major celebrity signing, but they’ll probably continue to rely on David Beckham as their outside man with Hitler’s fluid encased brain providing general corporate strategy.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Michelle Lewin in A Thong

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 10:12 AM

Michelle Lewin Wears A Thong Bikini While Taking Her Raft To The Pool In Miami
I don’t care how many unattended kids suffocate under the rafts, I’d like to see twenty of these Venezuelan chicks with sub-muscular implants floating around my apartment community pool. It’s perish in Caracas or come and tilt your thong toward the American sun and wait for news that Obama has granted immunity to your six unemployed uncles. Life becomes much simpler when everybody in the world wants to nail you.

Photo Credit: Splash