By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 8:50 AM
Hayden Panettiere kept her hand dramatically on her womb most of the Emmys night just in case anybody didn’t realize she was pregnant. For the slower witted, Hayden massaged her teats until a milky like silicon colloid oozed from her nipples. The anorexic tanned hostess from E! caught Hayden referring to the baby as ‘her’ then cackled with delight as much as somebody who hasn’t eaten since the Spring of ’07 can cackle. Not exactly a Dan Rather-Richard Nixon moment, but for people who live vicariously through pregnant young Hollywood midgets, it was like the invention of fire. Women like to monitor other women’s pregnancies the way men follow sports teams. If they could, women would wear the jerseys of their pregnant friends inappropriately to formal occasions.The fact that unwed mothers can freely walk the red carpet of award shows side by side with lesbian adoptive parents and transgendered actresses shows exactly how progressive Hollywood truly is. Also, why I no longer masturbate during the Red Carpets until I know exactly who is tucking away a dick or not.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty
By Matt August 26, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
Model Megan Hawkins was shot while standing next to Suge Knight at Chris Brown’s pre-VMA party and apparently considers this a huge accomplishment. Hawkins posted several zany photos documenting her goofy hospital stay after being shot in the ass with a 9 millimeter. The fact that this stray bullet could have killed her makes it all the more thrilling, like slipping off the restraining bar when you get on the Goliath at Six Flags or asking for yesterday’s shrimp at a Red Lobster. Surely Hawkins’ parents are glad they have been paying her rent, because hanging out with Chris Brown and getting shot is one to brag to the neighbors about next block party. If Hawkins can suck off James Franco her Under 25 in Hollywood bucket list will be complete.
Hawkins might have used her hospital stay to reflect on narrowly missing death, but seems firmly entrenched in a lifestyle of shaking her ass in front of the world’s least interesting criminals. She will no doubt continue living it up in LA until she inevitably develops a massive coke problem and moves back to wherever she came from to cover football for Channel 6. It will make a great story to tell her grandkids when they ask why they’ve never met her.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 26, 2014 @ 6:15 AM
Jayson Blair was fired from the New York Times in disgrace over a vast plagiarism scandal several years back. He recently popped up on Oprah: Where Are They Now? to construct a set of excuses whereby he was no longer just lazy work stealing bastard. Blair mentioned how he was suffering from mental and drug problems while not doing his job at the Times, and was even suicidal after getting caught. He is now twisting his self-serving behavior into some supposed triumph over bipolar disorder, skillfully promoting his business in which he coaches people with mental issues. Some of his typical reflection mixed with a healthy dose of self pity:
“When I first was called on it, my initial reaction was to try and defend myself, at the same time, I wanted … the sense of relief, and I wanted it to be over. And then, I just hit a point where, for the first time in my life, I’m thinking about ways to kill myself.”
Suicide seems like the appropriate reaction to being busted cheating at work. I thought Where Are They Now shows were supposed to focus on the goofy neighbor character from Who’s The Boss or the bass vocalist from Rockapella, not people known for delivering death blows to modern print journalism. I had totally forgotten about this guy before Oprah gave him this soapbox. Now I’m stuck with the knowledge that both Blair and Oprah still exist and are doing fine. How fair is that when so many good people are dead.
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 4:24 PM
The 2014 Emmy Awards were just beginning their train of anorexic beauties on channels I have to skip past when maneuvering between ESPN and the regional sports channels. Then along comes Lena Dunham with the visuals of a Tim Burton re-imagined SNO BALL® and everything is ruined. Where is the line between being principally anti-beauty and reveling in your fugly? Forever two paces behind Lena Dunham. Who do I sue to get my boner back?
Here are the girls from the 2014 Emmy Awards I would let date me. Some of them may be under eighteen, so perhaps we’d have to date in Canada or another third world nation:
Photo credit: Getty Images / AKM-GSI / FameFlynet
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 2:56 PM
For good looking Brazilian women, the work really never stops. Pilates and yoga. That’s daily. Feel like a burger? Fuck you, nibble on pea shoot through Christmas. Too tired to go to the beach again today? Suck it up. Strap on that crotch padded fish tail and get your hair blowing in the onshore breeze. While you’re at it, push out a couple kids because Victoria’s Secret models and NFL running backs have the same career longevity. Your insurance policy used to be your ass in a short skirt? Congratulations. You passed thirty. Now it’s your kids.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI
By Matt August 25, 2014 @ 2:19 PM
Nicki Minaj has been steadily denying her staged and yawn worthy dress malfunction at the VMA Awards was done on purpose. Minaj must be aware that having your dress slip off is exponentially more embarrassing when you admit you did it on purpose to draw attention away from your vapid stage performance. She has offered vehement denials about the stunt, even though several people saw her rehearsing it beforehand. It was actually kind of hot the way she appeared vulnerable and exposed until you realized it was on purpose which just made it kind of cheap and rapey. Its like finding out the Charles Dickens back story on your favorite porn star and the suspension of reality becomes more and more difficult. Minaj’s claim that she ran out of time to zip up the dress while changing is more than suspicious. Unlike a game of Jenga, putting on a dress has very little variation in time. You pretty much know what you are getting into, and whether or not you can do it, especially when you’ve tried it on and rehearsed before hand. Minaj apparently had just enough time to put it on, but not zip it up. That’s like having enough time to become aroused but not put on a condom, nobody’s buying it, I’ve tried.
Photo credit: MTV
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 1:32 PM
Rachel Jessee is an illusionist. That’s not nearly as important as the fact that she’s the redhead on your right with the absolutely perfect tits. Rachel and a couple dozen of her less attractive cohorts marched in honor of Go Topless Day in New York City. Of course, there is actually no point in protesting the right to be topless in New York City. Or to put an infant on your bare tit and command them to start sucking and even shitting without a diaper. I believe you can now openly bang a Hansom cab horse provided you don’t use his bobbed tail to clean yourself when you’re done. That’s just rude. There’s really almost nothing you can’t do in public in New York in 2014. Including protesting oppressive laws that don’t exist. Which would be obnoxious, if it weren’t for Rachel Jessee and those magnificent pair of boobs.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Jack August 25, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Beyonce did her best at last night’s VMAs to dispel rumors that she and Jay Z both wish they were fucking somebody else at night. They were all snuggly and used their stripper named baby as a prop for their lies. Let it go, B.
Read all about Jay Z and Beyonce’s brave face. (Dlisted)
Selena Gomez forgot her bra and showed the heap of sideboob. (Popoholic)
Laura Cremaschi and her ass went to the beach. (Hollywood Tuna)
Are Ireland Baldwin And Angel Haze flicking each other’s beans? (Huffington Post)
Let’s talk about Taylor Swift’s sweet ass at the VMAs. (The Superficial)
Elsa Hosk shows off her Swedish bottom for an Italian magazine. (Drunken Stepfather)
Some genius is making a documentary about the old Nintendo Powerglove. (COED)
(Photo Via MTV)