Selena Gomez Sage Advice

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Gomez

Selena Gomez posted a grammatically challenged inspirational spiel to her Instagram account for all the troubled souls who read in pictures. The intention was there but her execution launched past the orange cones and ended up mangled in netting and brain dead in the hospital on the ski slope of life. I think she’s getting through to me:

“God puts us in situations that are so unexplainably difficult for a reason. There is someone in the world feeling so much, just like you. There is someone who will always have it better or have it way worse than you. The point of all of that is for to feel not alone. My point is, your are not alone in this world. People everyday feel so many emotions they wish they could turn it off. But that’s not why we are here. We are here for relationships, for people just like us who feel worthless. Your purpose is to share, help, encourage. Remember that. Please.”

If your self worth is bolstered by a barely legal functioning illiterate you might just want to warm up the engine a few extra minutes. Shut the door you’re letting the heat out. Nobody cares about your philosophical musings. Have some taste next time and cite an Aerosmith ballad. In fact just quote anyone but yourself. Nice tits.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Artists Are Super Clever

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 7:35 AM

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Milo Moire is a Swiss performance artist which is another term for subsidized unemployment. Moire drew an appropriate amount of minor attention last year for publicly squatting over a canvass butt naked and plopping paint filled eggs from her vagina. Art or not art, that’s reasonably impressive. Moire’s newest piece of work entails her walking around a museum naked and carrying a baby. If your father was in the business of laundering money for the Kennedy’s and you were raised with a tab of cyanide in your book bag you’d think people gave a shit about you too. Moire apparently stunned a few unsuspecting museum goers who didn’t realize museums in Switzerland were so awesome these days. Moire is actually smoking hot. She could be doing plenty of other things naked and garnering much more upside. Such is the selflessness of the artist. Now, let’s talk about where we can ditch that third wheel baby and hump to some Picasso critiques.

Photo Credit: MiloMoire.com 

Russian Guy Has Balls Cut Off

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

Russian

Russian soap opera actor Dmitry Nickolaev met a blonde chick at a bar and at some point he got drunk and started making out with her in a sauna. At that point he blacked out and woke up with his balls cut off. To reiterate, this happened in Russia. Police believe the motive was to sell his balls on the black market after they were thoroughly rinsed at a Putt Putt.

“It was done like proper surgery by someone with a medical education.”

Dmitry apparently didn’t realize his balls were gone until much later when he cracked a smile at Russell Brand’s tawdry brand of comedy. According to Russian media he is now doing fine and also that smuggled radio was blasting propaganda. I’d be suspicious this was a ploy for a future reality show but the market for sad men without their balls is currently cornered by Bruce Jenner.

Ronda Rousey Questions Free Market

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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The UFC’s Ronda Rousey thinks female UFC fighters should get paid more than the ring girls. Sounds fair enough but if pay was based on the effort involved the guy who shingled your roof would be rocking a Bentley. Turns out pay works itself out as supply and demand. There are plenty of damaged ex Catholic girls willing to cock fight for the amusement of spectators or revenge on their fathers. Chicks who can walk in a circle, not so much. Rousey has in particular singled out Arianny Celeste who is the Cindy Crawford of sexually inappropriate jeering:

“Do you think her walking in circles around the two guys or two girls out there, like, fighting for their lives, is worth more? You think she works harder than they do?”

Celeste responded by calling Rousey a “bully” and then hiding in a locker and reverting back to her birth name. If anything the ring girls are especially important in women’s MMA, whose audience is 90 percent male. Guys see chicks punching each other in the ear and they get confused. Am I supposed to be angry, perturbed, aroused? Should I come to her defense and why is my dick out? Wait, do I have a thing for Marshawn Lynch? Yeah kick her fucking ass! I think I have some valium in the bathroom pour me another Makers. Hey there’s that ring girl with the nice tits. Thank God.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Victimized

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 6:04 AM

Lupita

Lupita Nyong’o, who played the chick you fantasized about bending over a saw horse while your pursed your face in consternation watching Twelve Years A Slave, had her Oscar dress stolen from her hotel room. The gown was adorned with 6,000 White Akoya pearls and is worth $150,000 if you believe the insurance claims. Normally I think thieves should have their hands cut off but fuck this shit. There’s no reason a human should be wearing a dress worth more than my house while our veterans are roaming the streets for half eaten quarter pounders. I hope the cleaning lady hawks it on the black market and puts her sixteen children through college or at least mechanic school. Or just goes rogue and wears it to a Pollo Locco and goes out in a blaze of glory. I wonder if Robin Hood had a meth addiction. Chain it up outside next time.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Nadeea Vollanova Seems Old Fashioned

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 1:39 PM

Nadeea Vollanova Wears A Bikini While Trying To Find A Rich Husband In LA
The theme of today seems to be young women with a career plan. I don’t like themes, if I were picking themes I wouldn’t choose that, but just seems to be how it’s turning out. This Russian singer slash red carpet photo bomber slash human wrestling turnbuckle just got plain about it in the streets of Los Angeles, holding up a sign asking rich guys for money. I suppose she’ll credit it as a prank. Like when you tell the undercover vice cop you were just joking when you asked for a happy ending in your hotel room. Vice cops have a tremendous sense of humor. They’ll usually belly laugh, kick you some Subway coupons, and tell you to be on your way. If I were offering fatherly advice, I’d encourage Vollanova to stash some cash in that whale tail and apply some Pilates to those haunches. This could be more fruitful than that week at DeVry.

Photo Credit: Splash

Dez Bryant in a Pickle

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 12:34 PM

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The Cowboys team toddler approach to raising Dez Bryant with a village of monitors has worked to the extent that Bryant hasn’t been busted yet for murder or not sorting his recycling or something that would result in Lady Justice taking away his double digit TD catches a year for the Cowboys. But the entourage can’t control the past.

Adam Schefter of ESPN is reporting the existence of a Walmart parking lot security tape of Bryant brutally yanking his girlfriend about like a rag doll in the hands of a young future serial killer. The police had previously investigated this incident back in 2011 but Bryant and his entourage and the girl all circled around a story about her being beat up by a third party not Bryant and Bryant coming to save her. The cops seemed to buy it.  Let’s go Boyz! That was pre-tape.

Given the current state of the NFL sort of kind of admitting they have a domestic abuse image problem, this video coming to light probably means an end to Dez Bryant’s NFL career. The shark’s can smell the blood from miles away. His own mom’s on tape now talking about Bryant tearing her shirt and smacking her around a bit in 2012. Stories like this should start flowing faster than CosRape bandwagon speed. Bryant’s so far responded only with a tweet that winds up:

I’m not ashamed of none of my past incidents because that’s what made me who I am today.

I’m pretty sure that’s a valid legal defense in Sweden. In Texas, they make you watch as they shoot your dog then use a rusty hatchet to sever your calves.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kid Rock Skins Otters And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 26, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kid Rock used to dip his wick in vegan PETA member Pam Anderson but now he flaunts an otter skin coat because he fucking can. This is America. We kill otters when we need to, we kill them when we don’t. Fuck the otters. They’d do the same to us if they could.

Read all about Kid Rock’s subtle pro-dead things message. (TMZ)

Miley Cyrus hates bras because Miley Cyrus. (Egotastic)

Kim Kardashian wears a black doilie in London. (Huffington Post)

Alyssa McGoogan wants to show you her tits and muff. (Drunken Stepfather)

Toochi Kash uses her unbelievable ass to sell expensive water. (Hollywood Tuna)

I would like to be the meat in an Elsa Hosk/Alessandra Ambrosio sandwich. (Popoholic)