Janice Dickinson Jumps the Cosby Rape Train

By Lex November 19, 2014 @ 8:45 AM

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The more women that come forward with CosRape stories, the more you realize these are all willing women Cosby easily could’ve nailed still conscious. He preferred to knock them senseless. There’s some rational causality in men who can’t get laid forcing themselves on women. They still deserve the bullet, but at least you can put a primal origin to their crimes. But a rich famous dude drugging girls who came to his place already nine-tenths of the way closed on the deal, that there’s your mental problem.

Former supermodel and current reality TV creepy plastic mannequin, Janice Dickinson claims Cosby drugged and raped her in 1982 in his Tahoe hotel room after inviting her to his suite to talk about advancing her music career. In the hotel room, Dickinson took a big swig of wine and a pill Cosby told her would help her with her menstrual cramps. So, she was on the rag. That ought be a special circumstance during sentencing. Not that Cosby will ever be sentenced.

I know the loyalists still can’t wrap their head around Cosby being a five decades long serial rapist. Or handle the fact that women who are ambitious and perhaps open to trading sex for career favors still don’t deserve to be knocked out and CosRaped. Dickinson claims the illicit spunking of that evening cast her into a shame spiral so deep that she never really recovered. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if she stood in front of a jury looking like she does now and blamed it on Cosby, you might as well fire up the electric chair right there in the courtroom.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Charles Manson Still Pulling Chicks

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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Charles Manson is set to marry a pretty decent looking 26 year old chick. Manson himself is a roughly eighty in murderer years and still a midget. Afton Elaine Burton, or Star to the friends she never had, moved just outside of Manson’s prison nine years ago where she no doubt spends her days committing various felonies and running Charles Manson fan sites which the FBI should monitor to find runaways. Every dude has gone through a dry spell in his life, but Manson has always had chicks beating down his door. If it’s not Manson it would be the meth jockey with the ponytail. Women have poor taste and can’t control their actions. That’s a horrible generalization, also the truth.

Marrying a dude in prison is probably a good way for trauma survivors to mediate between real life and the therapy they need. It’s hard to get close to your husband when he’s in maximum security and set to never get out. The thrill you get wondering if he’s going to shank you in your conjugal visit is tough to replicate with the stuff you buy at the Pleasure Chest.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Day the Music Died

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:55 AM

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Justin Bieber’s half-life is rapidly degenerating, as he is currently in seclusion on a religious retreat which might actually just mean rehab. His mission is to learn to spread the Word of God. Some pastor is coaching him through his spiritual enlightenment and probably trying to blow him on the side. Bieber has recently distanced himself from friends and associates which merely meant telling everybody he wasn’t paying their bills anymore, the exodus occurred swiftly thereafter. He is also sober and trying to avoid dangerous temptations like crack or recording bounce love songs. Either Bieber will fade into the mountains of Babylon muttering about salvation or make a flawless transition to Christian Radio where we will finally have the option to tune him out. He could start a cult based on some obscure verse and orgies which our kids will join. Nonetheless it looks like the storm has passed.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Will Smith’s Kids Need a Dwight Howard Buckling

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

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Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.

Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:

Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.

The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.

Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.

Willow: Because living.

Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Photo Credit: Twitter

The Government Knows You’re Stupid (VIDEO)

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Jonathan Gruber is one of those academics who thinks everyone outside of MIT is a retard because they have jobs like construction and stocking grocery store shelves and things he knows only as Industry Codes. Arrogant fuckers like Gurber were bullied growing up, but never really had the pomposity beaten out of them. Gruber’s come to public attention of late bragging about misleading the American voters as to the fact that ObamaCare is basically a tax on healthy people to pay for sick people because the voters are simply too stupid to know that’s a good thing in his opinion. Everybody who works for or wants a job with FoxNews went and dug up video of Obama talking about what a policy genius the scheming sack of shit Gruber is.

Gruber fancies himself a Lex Luther type who toys with the masses from his shady lair. In reality he’s just another dorky cog in the system who gets carried away with a little political power. He also helped pen Massachusetts’ health care laws, of which he said the:

“Smart people of Massachusetts basically figured out a way to sort of rip off the feds for about $400 million a year.”

I’m not sure of this guy’s end game but maybe people in government should stop hanging out with him. Or the President could teach him how to lie before you go around talking about the rim jobs you’ve performed for him. Gruber is almost ballsy enough to be likable if the topic at hand wasn’t emblazoned on my tax documents. Obama, while you’re working on this end of term Executive Orders, how about you whip one up that buries Gruber alive in the Atlantic. On your last day in office you can pardon yourself. It’d be pretty cynical, but you can leave office saying you did something. 

(This isn’t a partisan hack issue. All Presidents and politicians have accomplices like Gruber who do this calculated lying to get public support for things the public isn’t naturally behind.)

Chris Brown Dumb Down His Lambo

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Chris Brown hired some guy to paint a bunch of illegible Sanskrit looking letters on his Lamborghini. The text is supposedly the lyrics to a Tupac song though they could also read, Chris Brown is a pussy tool who takes numerous men up his ass. That’s the danger in hiring a guy who claims to know Sanskrit when you barely know English.

Apart from looking like shit this will cut the value of the car down to something affordable for a mother of six. Its definitely going to be a problem when a chubby Brown attempts to pawn it to a shady used car lot a few years from now to pay off his bail bonds. It’s always amusing when people expend tremendous energy just to make shit worse. Realize if you’re Chris Brown it actually takes effort to get a neck tattoo. You have to get in the car, drive to the shop, and sit there with the end result being you look like a jackass who never made it to real prison.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Angelina Jolie’s Construction Seems Intact

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Angelina Jolie Looks Curvy In Tight Wrap Dress During A Photo Call For Her Self Directed Film Unbroken
Angelina Jolie is in Australia promoting her Oscar bait film Unbroken. Hollywood loves an epic bio pic. Before Angelina Jolie cured her future cancer by lopping off her breasts, maybe she was considered a bit edgy and blemished for the Academy. But it’s amazing what a strong stance against disease can do for you reputation. If the American Taliban requested the removal of his left nut and donned a pink ribbon, he’d probably be out by now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Black Pete Signals the Start of Christmas

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 2:06 PM

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The real mark against racists is their lack of ingenuity. Their signs lack creativity, their speeches a poor excuse for inspiration, and their lynching pranks just completely tired in a world where there are ten thousand prank shows on YouTube. You must hand it to the people of the Netherlands who invented the minstrel character of Black Pete, the Moor servant to Santa celebrated every November with the arrival of Saint Nicholas at a ceremony in Gouda. Yes, the fucking cheese place.

When St. Nick arrives to ring in the Christmas season, so do dozens of actors in black face playing the role of Black Pete along with the town’s children whose parents painted their faces black so they too can seal their fate. Protestors shook up this year’s event, labeling the annual tradition as racist and even mocking the pretty crappy aroma of Gouda. The Dutch police acted swiftly and arrested the protestors so the black-faced community could continue to pretend it was 1812 and Holland still mattered. Local authorities who ran the event maintained the tradition is merely harmless fun, which they later conceded might be a tad racist, but that those two factors were not mutually exclusive.

There’s something to be said for the open manner in which Europe produces it’s racist public theater. We’d never have a Black Pete Christmas celebration in a city in the U.S. We use the Yuletide to not hire any black head coaches to major college of pro programs. You could probably get a coaching gig in the Netherlands, but don’t complain to me when you learn the team mascot is Sambo.

Photo credit: Getty Images