Kylie Jenner Pregnant By Tyga, I Need to Get Them a Diaper Genie

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 10:01 AM

Kylie Jenner Is More Than Lips
According to hiphophangover.com, a news source about as reliable as Fox or MSNBC, so mostly just made up shit, Kylie Jenner is pregnant by Tyga. Kylie has repeatedly denied she’s dating the older rapper mostly while wryly smiling and burping up his baby sauce. Given the extent of the in utero burial grounds at the Kardashian home in Calabasas, it seems unlikely that Kris Jenner would allow her underaged daughter to carry a baby to term for lack of my body my choice options. Someday, Kylie will suffer the intense boredom of the dumb and bear the family another illegitimate mulatto child. Is that day today? Look to the Southern skies.

Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI

Emily Ratajkowski’s Panda Shit Smells Amazing

By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 9:38 AM

Emily Ratajkowski Does Love Magazine Advent Calendar Screencaps
I gained nothing but respect for this chick when I saw her whacking her mons on those hacked photos that in retrospect I’m not admitting to having seen and Camille Cosby and Jerry Sandusky’s wife both believe I didn’t see. In fact, I’ve retained I’m Guilty as Fuck celebrity attorney Marty Singer to compare accusation that I’ve seen every single Fappening hacked photo to accusations that Ryan Seacrest used to blow the ‘N Sync marionettes and pray that they could be real boys. Ergo, ipso facto, it can’t possibly be true.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Wiz Khalifa Made a Sex Tape With This Innocent Lamb

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 8:18 AM

Whiz

Our occasionally prescient editor Lex once noted that the Howe Twins came to the U.S. looking to fuck their way to fame. Bingo. Wiz Khalifa shot a mature audiences video with Carla Howe and according to TMZ, Howe was shopping the results of the on-camera banging to Vivid for six-figures. Howe denied she was the one tried to hawk the spooge fest via Twitter, which is America’s official courtroom for really dumb people. It seems Wiz has no interest in the paying public seeing him bang some desperate white chick with fake tits because he can just look in the mirror next to his bed each night and see for himself. To be fair, after you in theory fuck a dude named Amber you have a few in the chamber. I say, go for it and sell that fucker. Nobody else gives a shit. You don’t stay young and lucky forever.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Cosby’s Wife Seems Like a Gamer

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 7:45 AM

Cos

Bill Cosby’s wife talked about her husband’s ten dozen rape allegations without much perspective. Camille, which Bill pronounces in 13 syllables, was asked if it was weird her husband never raped her. Or something like that. Let’s call it a softball:

“I met my husband, Bill Cosby, in 1963, and we were married in 1964. The man I met, and fell in love with, and whom I continue to love, is the man you all knew through his work. He is a kind man, a generous man, a funny man, and a wonderful husband, father and friend. He is the man you thought you knew.”

I’m almost certain Ted Bundy never killed his live-in girlfriend either. It’s known as a red flag and far too obvious. Not sure being married to a guy who rapes would give you a unique perspective on the whole scandal. Particularly when you got no problem with your hubby just banging whores as opposed to sticking it in against their will.

Camille went on to plug a line likely written by the legal team that the Cosby rape allegations were very much like the recent Rolling Stone magazine article about a fraternity gang rape at UVA which had to be retracted for poor vetting. I figured some heinous dipshit rapist was going to use the Rolling Stone bogus rape story as a reasonable doubt defense for their own accusations. I didn’t figure that heinous dipshit racist would be Camille Cosby.

Ink Your Pets Now, There Is Not Later

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Dogs

The State of New York just passed a law making it illegal to tattoo your dog. Once elected officials find themselves completely flummoxed solving any problems that really matter, they eventually get to denouncing animal torture and banning e-cigarettes. You know who votes a lot? Old ladies. They love their fucking pets and their grandkids. The dog tattoo ban becomes law 120 days from now, meaning the people you elected to make six figure salaries are giving you ample time to tattoo your dog legally for four months. I’m not even sure how common of a thing it is. It might never happen. Let’s just say you’re the one guy who does it. The clock is ticking, bro. If you’ve been pondering the Tyson for for your bald friend, the time is now.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Samuel L Jackson Wasted on Good Intentions (VIDEO)

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Sam Jackson posted a video he clearly won’t remember asking for a Celebrity Call to Action from his Connecticut home paid for with Capitol One money. He could’ve just hit Reply All from the last Sean Penn email asking his fellow SAG members why nobody came to dig spread fields with him in shanty towns in Haiti, but he chose the YouTube video route instead. It’s one thing to get wicked drunk and make an ass of yourself. It’s another if you’re being a dick about it and calling out Lou Gehrig’s Disease for a fight on the blacktop after school. Get your old ass out there if you give a shit about police brutality or any other social ills you read about with your legs crossed. Failing that, make your maid promise not to listen to you the next time you get liquored and order her to roll camera.

Sony Has Some Problems

By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Pasc

Some part of me says we shouldn’t be reading other people’s stolen emails. The other part says, fuck that, I hate people in general and powerful annoying people most of all and I’d take any chance to see them humbled. Fuck I’m not sure that first part even exists.

Sony co-Chair Amy Pascal is going to die the death by a thousand hacked email cuts. It’s fairly inevitable that at some time she’ll be told she’s going to be a made woman, will be taken to a duplex in Torrance, and summarily have her career shot in the back of the head. Just recovering from her Obama only loves movies with black dudes in it email exchange, newly released emails referring to television as the new ‘black baby’, meaning that all the powerful celebrities are looking to get involved in TV, much like the growing trend to adopt black babies from Africa.

Between me and you and the local hands in the air don’t shoot protest, Pascal is right. And kind of funny in her metaphor. But funny when you get shit wages to write blog posts, not funny when you run a high profile division of a multinational and take press hits like Andy Dick takes butt plugs. That’s her second racially insensitive quip leaked in a week. The first time she had to go kiss Al Sharpton’s ring. This time she might have to lose pounds on the Dick Gregory diet of crazy. In the end, none of it will matter. She opened the race box. Do not touch the fucking race box.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Some Movies Are Stupid, Some Are Stupid And Filled With Topless Women So Slightly Less Stupid

By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 2:11 PM

Free The Nipple Screencaps
Given that there’s little worth protesting in New York these days, many women have turned their injustice proboscises toward the inalienable right to flash their tits in public just like men who don’t have tits. I’d support the right of good looking women with nice racks to do anything. If FSU sorority girls were torturing Taliban, nobody would give a fuck provided they did it in tank tops and took pictures. If only this were so simple. Much like yoga pants and tattoos, the right to do things that look super fucking hot on attractive women extends to all women. You’re forever a slippery slope away from Rosie O’Donnell in low handing Lululemon’s flashing her Ladies Go to the Front tramp stamp. Nobody in good conscience can allow for that.

Some chicks made a movie called Free the Nipple around the Free the Nipple hashtag movement and Scout Willis tits on Twitter. It’s a scripted piece posing as a documentary posing as an excuse to show lots of topless chicks in Manhattan. It’s the true definition of a mixed bag. You’d think it would be hard to make a bad movie that featured dozens of bare breasted women. But then maybe you’ve never seen the Dr. Mengele films from the death camps. This isn’t quite as bad, but if you download it on Amazon you’re likely to get the Mengele tapes recommended under ‘People Who Bought This Also Bought’. That Amazon recommendation engine is like a window into your soul.

Photo Credit: Free The Nipple