By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 7:23 AM
Hilary Duff just finalized her divorce from that dude who used to play hockey. She was never able to accept his drinking or or strip club visits or the way he spoke or the fact that he felt breakfast was an important meal or that he played hockey or didn’t like The Wire or breathed or had a penis. She tried to reconcile with him last year because they have a little kid but she quit when she caught him flirting with a waitress. Motherfucker. Not everybody is cut out to be married. The ceremony remains optional. Quit making broken home white offspring when there’s rows and rows of black babies in the Duty Free at Senou International just waiting to be purchased. Nice nipples. Lucky kid.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 10:24 PM
In the long lore of Penn family antics, changing your bikini top on a balcony in Rio isn’t quite up there with using your erect penis to save a child beneath a collapsed building in Haiti, but it’s certainly more adorable. Also it happened. Genetic destinies are a bear. You won the lottery with Sean Penn and Robin Wright. Or lost if your goal was to be sane and modestly pleased with life. Have a code word for everyone who loves you now. It’s only decent they get to a bunker before the nutso hammer comes down. Damn your tits are beautiful. Why her, God?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 2:52 PM
Wrestling was the gayest sport ever invented, at least one that is still practiced in the open among young men in gymnasiums as if it’s still entirely kosher. When golfers give us each other STDs from prolonged, moist skin to skin intimate area contact, there could be a battle for top spot.
In this week’s podcast we discuss the very essence of mankind, including why I probably shouldn’t have accused Michelle Obama of ass fingering Barack, how crazy disingenuous it is for liquor companies to tell people to drink less liquor, and why only old white people get cavity searches at the airport. Not the essence essence per se. Just the low hanging fruit.
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By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 1:11 PM
Experimental theater used to just be drab and boring and pretentious. Now, it’s finally killed. Raphael Schumacher decided that his scene in a play in Pisa, Italy would be more compelling if he were hung to death rather than shot in his execution scene. Schumacher had the stage hands help him into his newly crafted noose and dangled ever so realistically from a gallow. The play was staged such that various scenes were set in different areas of the theater and the yard outside. The audience of women and men who were forced by women milled about from scene to scene.
Raphael Schumacher hung with his head covered in a sack. It was dramatic. Especially so since he couldn’t breathe or free himself. Everybody admired his method work until some chick in the audience who had medical training noticed his limbs spastically twitching in the manner of an animal at slaughter. Onlookers rushed to un-hang Schumacher who was take to the hospital and now appears to be fully brain dead. Theater people like to press non-theater people with the notion that anything can happen in live drama, which makes it better than those super comfy captains chairs and a big soda at the movies. It’s true. In Deadpool, nobody dies for real. Everybody goes home alive. Advantage or disadvantage? You can’t feel up your girlfriend in front of a guy asphyxiating to death. Unless your girlfriend is awesome.
Photo credit: CNN.com
By Michael February 04, 2016 @ 12:00 PM
Hairy man-child Zach Galifianikis has lost a ton of weight and now looks like a normal human and not a fattie fattie boombatty. This is a bad career move. How can you be the funny fat guy if you are skinny? Lean into it and die young like John Candy, Chris Farley, and John Belushi.
Hollywood is going to be looking for a new funny fatty. You can reach me on the site. (TMZ)
Volleyball star Abby Champion wears a skimpy swimsuit. (Last Men On Earth)
Sammy Braddy does the naughty schoolgirl bit. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Dylan Penn takes off her top in Rio because Brazil. (Drunken Stepfather)
Apparently, resting bitch face is a real thing. (The Chive)
I would do very dirty things to Alison Brie. (Popoholic)
Big tits are where it’s at. I don’t even see the point of little tits. (Radass)
By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 11:13 AM
For ten grand and two hours of squats a day you can get an ass and a pair or tits that will carry you ten times farther than any non-Ivy college degree. Politicians battle over what to give away to young people next to make their problems go away. How about plastic surgery and certificate for private trainers. Good looking people do very well in society. That cuts across all demographics. You ever seen a super hot Spanish chick homeless in the streets? Formal education is costly, inflexible, and the benefits often difficult to equate directly to work or productivity. A perfect set of tits on the other hand correlates nearly 100-percent self-sufficiency. Also, other people get to masturbate better. That’s the the invisible hand effect. Damn, look at that ass. You’re hired. For whatever.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 9:48 AM
When celebrity models get down to the business of explaining their signature perfume lines, it’s like witnessing a third grader in the 1950′s Soviet Union blankly reciting the glory of the State. Candice Swanepoel’s new fragrance for Juicy Couture is based in peony, rose, and amber, with a note of jasmine. This barely edged out lilac, meconium, and a spicy giardiniera blend. For Candice, the memories run deep:
There are so many fragrances that have ties to memory—it’s like music for me. I’m always reminiscing, and growing up in South Africa, there are so many different smells that take me back. There’s a note of jasmine in this, and on our farm, we had a massive water tower outside of our front door that was covered in jasmine. When it flowered, it was such a gorgeous, strong smell.
Clarice just remembered the lambs. I like your memory better. As long as we’re making stuff up, when did the handsome farm boy try to kiss you in the field of peonies? Careful not to step on the dead negroes daddy made casualties of apartheid. I bet that aroma sticks with you as well. Celebrity scents are more complicated than math. $94 at Macy’s. I feel like I’m ripping you off.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 9:11 AM
Kate Hudson has finally agreed to accept her body. It’s come at or around the time she got gross profit points in Fabletics athletics wear for women. She made the announcement following a discussion of the rigors of being a wealthy mom with two kids in Malibu who struggles to find the six hours a day needed to stretch, workout, and meditate herself into acceptable female form. Kate’s new book, Pretty Happy, reveals the secrets to feeling pretty from the inside out. A happy colon is a happy woman.
It’s about health and mindfulness. Because you can have the greatest body and you can be really unhappy if that’s all you’re working toward.
Women who struggle with pay inequality at the jobs they don’t have love empty words like ‘mindfulness’. Also the freeing concept that having a great body won’t make you happy. The book also touts a series of interactive quizzes for women to make sure they’re on the right track to buying even more books, as opposed to something like a fruit or vegetable. It’s unclear how you have an interactive quiz in a printed copy book, but that’s the least of the duplicities contained within.
There’s a fine line between beautiful rich women inspiring unhappy fat women and just plain ripping them off. If you judge only by results, it’s entirely the latter. Women’s health and fitness sermons are televangelism for the areligious. Be sure to visit the gift shop on your way out.
Photo Credit: Self Magazine