Jessica Alba Imbeds Things

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

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If the first thing you notice about this photo is that coconut water you’ve been watching too much TV. Jessica Alba posted a photo of herself pretending to do yoga with a bottle of the stuff stationed precariously in the foreground. I refuse to say the name because I hate encouraging this shit. I get it, you’re a brand ambassador and creepy Amway type of person. How often do you mix your endorsement obligations in with friends during conversation? “Hey you know what would be great right now? A Zico!” Cut to uncomfortable shifting. I think we’d better get home. No I just rarely stay up past 8 on a weekday. Shit I said I wouldn’t say Zico. Enjoy your water. Maybe you can use the money to build a home theater in your treehouse.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Scientologists Really Really Angry

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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A new documentary called Going Clear is being roundly applauded at the Sundance Film Festival which likely means it’s cloying and unwatchable. It spills a bunch of beans about Scientology like how they abuse children and subvert labor laws and hypothesizes Nicole Kidman left Tom Cruise because he was way too into the Church although it doesn’t mention his love of the cock. The Church of Scientology is super pissed at film director Alex Gibney and HBO for agreeing to air the movie:

“The Church has documented evidence that those featured in Gibney’s film regurgitating their stale, discredited allegations are admitted perjurers, admitted liars and professional anti-Scientologists whose living depends on the filing of false claims.”

If you need to see a documentary to learn that Scientology isn’t for you, then Scientology probably is for you. There’s nothing inherently wrong with joining a cult and handing over your free will and all your worldly possessions. It’s not really that different than marriage and some guys just don’t do well as adults on their own. So long as the cult isn’t trying to blow up pizza shops, I could care less. Money and power flow from the stupid to the not stupid. That’s human nature. If it wasn’t Scientology, it’d be something else. I’d rather pretend Ethan Hunt is straight for as long as possible.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Seahawks’ Super Fan Going Away for a While

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Scott Shelton is an unemployed father of two and convicted felon who will soon return to prison for a parole violation. Outside of that, his main claim to fame is he caught the football Seahawks receiver Jermaine Kearse threw into the stands after scoring the winning touchdown in the NFC Championship. Shelton was reportedly offered $20,000 for the ball but turned it down because he’d prefer his kids remain in potato sacks while he’s out getting drunk at the game. Now he has given the ball to Kearse in exchange for his game jersey. Kearse reportedly offered him Super Bowl tickets, but Shelton already has his, which is troubling because I can’t afford them and I have zero kids and kind of a job. If you’re doing the math, Shelton is an idiot. He needs to turn himself into police the day after the Super Bowl, so look for him to be really shit faced, probably cry at some point, and kill someone if the Hawks lose. Or win.A 12th Man with nothing to lose.

Photo Credit: KiroTV 

Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:23 PM

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I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets or inflatable cocks or dead presidents or auto-tune or buck teeth or spastic limbs or hideous levels of corrupting the world’s children into believing self-expression means getting fucked up and sticking out your tongue. Not the drugs or the salvia or the booze or the incessant sexual liberation talk like she’s the first girl to ever discover dick. Not her stage family or the one hit dad or the other siblings and half siblings who live of her teat. Not grinding Schwarzenegger’s kid into believing this is better than boning hot models or flashing her vagina like an ISIS jihadi waves his Kalashnikov in YouTube videos. This is my power. None of that is really praise worthy. But what you can say about Miley Cyrus. She truly does not give a fuck. That is beyond rare in Hollywood. She’s a fucking unicorn. With boy unicorn tits.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Victoria’s Secret Intends to Win the Super Bowl

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 1:28 PM

Victoria Secret Superbowl Commercial Promo Shoot
People who say the commercials are the best part about the Super Bowl have never seen Katy Perry sing over a pre-recorded track to staged multicultural fans screaming their heads off. Until they allow tits on network television, the game itself will always be better. You can’t beat football with not football and not tits. Victoria’s Secret is going to try with a lingerie ad. It’ll tempt millions of men to buy lingerie for their ladies on Valentine’s Day because they’re either dating Adriana Lima or they’re stupid. Why not just buy her a fungo bat and tell her to rupture your ball sac. Leave looking good in underwear to the professionals. Everybody else just looks modestly okay on down to ‘I wouldn’t have done that’. The next time your lady says she buys lingerie to look good for herself, mumble, you’re telling me. But mumble it really softly or out comes the fucking fungo.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Charles Blow Seems Like a Good Dad

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 12:04 PM

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Charles Blow is one of the many columnists who reports on race for the New York Times so the people who read the Times can feel appropriately horrible about themselves. It’s all that’s holding circulation together at this point. Charles Blow’s son was detained at gunpoint by Yale University police over the weekend because he fit the description of a ‘tall, African-American, college-aged student wearing a black jacket and a red and white hat’ witnessed burglarizing dorm rooms that same evening. If you’ve ever been to Yale, you know there are hardly any black students. How many are tall and male and wearing a black jacket on any given evening? Charles Blow’s son and the burglar.

The campus cops stopped him, asked a few questions, then let him go. It was just like Eric Garner meets Michael Brown meets the killing of Malcolm X meets Selma. Charles Blow did what any father would do when his son became a victim of the very same police brutality he exposes for a living. He logged into Twitter:

So, my son, a 3rd year chem major at Yale was just accosted – at GUN POINT – by a Yale policeman bc he “fit the description” of a suspect…

He was let go when they realized he was a college student and not a criminal ( he was leaving the library!) He’s shaken, but I’m fuming!

#ICantBreathe #BlackLivesMatter

It’s easy for me pale face to laugh off the outrageous mistreatment of minorities by the wild-eyed Ivy League campus police. Also, easy to see how Blow used the word accosted instead of detained. Or how he reflexively hash tagged popular police brutality memes to try to stand in for an actual well-reasoned point. Being a writer on race issues requires race issues. There are plenty of those,  but they’re complex and a pain in the ass to explain earnestly. Having your own son asphyxiated to death and or questioned by the police for up to several minutes is much simpler. If you only knew how proud you made your dad.

Photo credit: Getty Images

John Legend Is A Lucky Asshole And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 26, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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John Legend showed what a lucky son of a bitch he is by making out with his super hot girlfriend Chrissy Teigen in the pages of GQ. There’s also the questionable popularity of his music, but that must come second.

Check out their steamy couple portraits. (Huffington Post)

Miss Beverly Hills, Chanelle Riggan, has a major nip slip during the Miss California USA pageant. (TMZ)

Heidi Klum shows off her new lingerie line and she’s still very fuckable. (Egotastic)

Gigi Hadid shows off her boobage for Guess. (Drunken Stepfather)

Bryana Holly knows how to wear a fucking bikini. (Popoholic)

Hethielly Beck uses her titties to sell 138 Water. (The Superficial)

Hermione makes my childhood wank dreams come true by playing a Belle from Beauty and the Beast. (Moviepilot)

Goldie, Kate and Donatella Ready to Wear

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 11:16 AM

Goldie Hawn Kate Hudson And Donatella Versace In Paris For Fashion Week

It’s a matter of opinion as to who among the group of girlfriends is the one staying home on Saturday night, but I’ll randomly bet behind the one who resembles a Tim Burton stop-motion character. Goldie Hawn insisted on accredited university degrees for the dude who slices her up on the regular. Her daughter only needs a couple toxin needles here and there. But that Corpse Bride really got the shaft. You have to believe they stitched her back together then realized there were still some pieces left on the medical tray. Like when you put together an Ikea bookshelf. You can tell yourself those three hex bolts and the half-inch screw were just drunk Swedes fucking up the count at the factory. But deep down you know that fucker is caving in one day. Now, imagine that’s your face.

Photo Credit: Splash