Justin Bieber Will Not Be Deported

By Jack April 21, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

The White House will not be deporting the world’s tiniest genius Justin Bieber back to Canada. A petition on the White House website received the requisite 100,000 signatures to get an official response from the government. The petition said that the effeminate floppy-haired turd was a danger to the people of the United States with all of his drunk driving and singing shitty music. Since he’s not an American citizen he is technically Canada’s problem. But the White House said,

“Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. To avoid the appearance of improper influence, the White House may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition.”

In other words, our online petition to the President website is just a fucking ruse to pretend we care. We’re not actually going to do shit about the sentiment in the street, no matter if it be projectile firing Bieber back to his maple syrup dripping country of origin, or something more serious, like figuring out how to get Michelle to wear less in her fitness videos. All of which points to the need for a little vigilante justice. No, not killing Bieber with silver stakes. I mean, if that happens, it happens. But there’s no reason why a group of dudes on a dare can’t stow the economy sized douche in one of their trunks and drive him northward until they need chains and drop him the fuck off the side of the road with a stern warning never to come back. Three million government workers can’t get done in a year what a roided out dude named Tony can do with six cans of Monster Energy and a full tank of gas.

Lea Michele’s Nipples Are Auto-Tuned

By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 2:18 PM

Lea Michele Has A Nip Slip Filming A Music Video In Palmdale
You get a pass for any music you like in middle school because you’re dumb and confused and trying to fit in and figure out who you’re supposed to fuck in this world. I suppose there are some girls, and some boys who haven’t yet written a moving letter to the dad they thought would never accept their love of glitter, who think Lea Michele is the bomb. They probably don’t know or don’t care how the mere sound of Lea’s un-modulated whine drove Dead Cory Monteith to any early grave. That her re-purposed junk tunes are now being sold as an expression of her emotional fortitude in the face of her lost love. They probably don’t even give a shit that Lea’s nipples look like the misshapen Hershey’s kiss that gets through the QA process down in Mexico, Pennsylvania. They just want to wrap themselves in her hair extensions and cry for their togetherness vaginas. I get it. I teared up when the Macho Man died. I can no longer judge.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Tila Tequila Pregnant With Whoreby

By Jack April 21, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Tila Tequila Stills From Her Sex Tape

Tila Tequila is knocked up with not one but two little womb trolls. The Hitler apologizing bisexual porn star with occasionally flipping on suicidal tendencies announced the startling news on Good Friday, because her having a baby is the reason Jesus died for our sins. No word on who not so immaculately conceived inside of her vagina which more people could pick out of a lineup than Vice President Biden Perhaps he is a ten foot tall reptilian shapeshifter working for the Illuminati or maybe he’s a Neo-Nazi with a fetish for plastic women. Or it was just some random guy she fucked behind the Arby’s by the mall because though she leans lady, sometimes she likes the smell of thinly sliced mostly beef product . She might also be lying. I’m pretty sure she lied about being pregnant with some dead rich woman’s baby before, which only makes sense in her world. She’s been out of the news since her latest sex tape hit the Internet. So, of course the next logical step is to announce a pregnancy. Jumping out of a window for attention gets old after a while.

Pia Mia Perez Is Kanye’s Achievement Whore

By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 12:39 PM

Pia Mia Perez Takes A Selfie Onstage At Universal CityWalk
When you think about all the things Kanye has given this world, from his three good songs, to his giant pictures of things, and some wicked bad-ass sneakers, it’s hard to imagine he has anything left to give. But like Jesus himself who rose from a tormented death, Kanye is now unleashing his disciples upon the world. Starting with this teen chick from Guam he may or may not be allowing to go down on his Yeezus meat while Kim spends an hour on the bidet because she can no longer reach her crap hole with paper. There’s an art to making a teenager look like a 40-something Panamanian Canal whore and Kanye seems to have nailed it. He often sketches as he plows his baby mama from behind and imagines whatever it takes to keep his little Kanye engorged. Pia took shots of herself during her concert at Universal City so she could stick it to all the people back in her island nation that said she’d be nothing more than a cliche teeny bopper Brittany rip off that they were right, but fuck you anyhow. You’d have to sew a lot of toiletry bags back in Guam to make $1500 in one night.

Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet

A Kid Was Suspended For Asking Miss America To His Prom (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

A Pennsylvania high schooler named Patrick Farves was suspended for three days last week after he defied orders and carried out a plan to ask Miss America Nina Davuluri to his prom during her speech at the school. According to the local paper, Patrick has a reputation for such convoluted stunts and cries for attention, so the Central York High School officials found out it was coming and issued the warning to him in advance. He knew the risk but still desperately wanted to be the cool kid, and now he’s the focus of a really fucking stupid national debate about whether or not he should have been suspended.

The answer to the argument is, of course, “Who honestly cares if he had to sit in the bad kids room at school for three days all because some old people don’t have a sense of humor about his tired, unoriginal antics?” There are plenty of worse things that he could have done to become a headline, and I think that’s why Nina issued this statement in his defense.

“On Thursday, a student invited me to prom and gave me a flower while I was giving a presentation in York, Pennsylvania. I was flattered by the gesture although I am unfortunately unable to attend due to my travel schedule. I later learned of the disciplinary action taken and reached out to the school in hopes that they will reconsider their decision.”

Thanks for the input, Nina, but the fact still remains that every male high school student who thinks it’s original, cute or clever to ask a famous woman to prom should be suspended for at least a week from here on out.

Nobody Should Ask Too Short About Hitler Again (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for a wide variety of people, and specifically Nazi potheads who love Jesus, what with it being Easter, 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Naturally, instead of asking a weed-loving rapper like Too Short what he thinks about it being 4/20 on Easter so he can make jokes about the Easter Bunny and Jesus getting high together or something, a TMZ guy asked him about what it’s like to know that it was 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Too Short doesn’t care about Hitler’s birthday because “Hitler got his” and he knows what went down, and I think the point was that the good guys stopped the bad guys from doing even more terrible shit, but I still feel like I just received a history lesson from a guy who really wants to know when the fucking pizza is going to get here.

This Girl Is Getting An Abortion To Be On Big Brother (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Josie Cunningham’s claim to fame has always been that she proudly took thousands of dollars from England’s National Health Service so she could get her tits done and continue to pursue her career as a “glamour model.” For some reason, the attention has kind of worked in her favor, because she told the Mirror that she was a favorite to appear on the upcoming season of Big Brother until she found out that she’s pregnant, and the network suddenly decided that a pregnant model and escort was just too much crazy shit for one reality show character. Josie then decided that the logical step to make sure that she doesn’t miss out on this shot at stardom is to get an abortion, so one of the two possible fathers – a soccer player or a plastic surgeon who paid her for sex – is going to pay for it, and she couldn’t be prouder.

“Then they suddenly turned cold. That was when I started considering an abortion. After the operation I will be going back to them and asking if they will still consider me.

“I’ve also had loads of other offers to further my career – and I’m not willing to give them up because I’m pregnant.”

I hope this woman becomes a huge star, especially if it’s because of a headline like, “Rapey lion gets loose in Big Brother home, has its way with Josie Cunningham several hundred times before eating her.”

Let’s Keep Pretending Miley Cyrus Had Bad Antibiotics

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

I prefer when the publicists just say the young drug experimenting and partying performers are suffering from exhaustion or vocal chord fatigue or whatever other bullshit to explain why tours are being canceled and why the stars are mysteriously hold up in hospital wards. But I guess allergic reaction to an antibiotic is the new ‘wants to spend more time with her family’. Journey taught us that the road ain’t no place to raise a family, but it is an excellent place to chase down some happy pills with Jack and Cokes. Occasionally bands will cancel tours for non-drug related reasons. The dude from Kings of Leon canceled the tour a couple summers back because he just wanted to bang the shit out of his new Victoria’s Secret wife. Van Halen’s reunion concert got shut down when the crotchety old dudes just couldn’t stand to fucking look at each other sober. But, by and large, it’s recreational substances. Though that was refuted by Miley’s publicists:

Miley was suffering from a sinus infection during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed the antibiotic Cephalexin which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to. This type of extreme reaction can last from five to 27 days in these types of cases. She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time. Miley is devastated about missing shows and possibly disappointing her fans.

That certainly seems official. Despite first hand accounts of Miley’s massive weed smoking, it’s hard to argue with publicist penned science. I can certainly give her my compassion at this time. Privacy is another matter. I’d like to retain that for myself. I do hope Miley gets better. I bet her drug connect does too.

Photo credit: Splash News