By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s white trash mother Dina is selling a bunch of her daughter’s possessions online. The stuff, including furniture, clothing, and zero books, was moved into Dinah’s house for the filming of some Oprah segments which were so authentic they circled back into being fake. Dina reportedly thinks anything left at her house is legally hers, including people’s cars when they park them in the driveway during social visits. Lindsay is trying to get her fake friends to go to the house and pick up the stuff but they’re busy getting anal bleachings and laying on couches wondering why their buttholes sting. Lindsay says if this doesn’t stop she’ll have to call the police who will find baggies of crack in her childhood chest of drawers and issue a warrant. Personally, I could use a a new nightstand. If Valtrex is good past the expiration date, throw in thirty. I dated an exotic girl in college. I’m short on cash but how about I bring you a bottle of banana rum and coupon for a guy who does clit piercings. Let’s dance, devil.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretch and talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he’s being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she’s a pro wrestler and walks off stage with her old lady buns hanging out of her stripper attire. Drake’s public relations people are now spinning that he was just grossed out by her lipstick and not being involuntarily tongue jabbed by someone older than his mom but not as good looking. When dudes are repulsed by you making out with them it’s time to hang up the Road Warrior lingerie. You just ruined Coachella’s trending popular line graph. Bake a pie and call it a day.
By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
I don’t know who Tyler The Creator is but I just joined his fan club. Don’t ruin it by sending me any clips of his music. Tyler took the stage at Coachella and started talking shit to the posers with their selfie sticks and custom hippy garb in the VIP section and singled out Kendall Jenner because it’s fun to watch stupid people relish the attention of being insulted. Especially if they’re too self absorbed to know you aren’t joking. Tyler eloquently dropped the following tirade:
“Y’all the niggas that got money and paid extra. Fuck all y’all, y’all boring. Everybody that’s in the real crowd, though, I fuck with y’all. Y’all gonna have a good time. These motherfuckers too cool. Kendall Jenner here thinking she cute and shit. Hey, Kendall, Kendall, Kendall, I’m over here to your right, fuck you.”
I think we know where he stands on this. Jenner shared a photo of herself being ripped a third asshole with all the humility of Ted Bundy jerking himself off in front of a jury. She posted several additional comments about how much she liked the show because her family doesn’t grasp the concept of negative attention. Go ahead and key her Range Rover. Hashtag RappersLikeMe.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo will be reprising their roles from the popular series of Vacation movies which came out before cell phones were invented and everybody figured they’d die from The AIDS or The Bomb so laughs came cheap. Chevy Chase has put on a few pounds since the original. Ed Helms and Christina Aguilera will be joining the cast and they’ll really pop off the screen when you purchase this On Demand at 2 am when you’re shit faced and black out half way through. Two weeks later your girlfriend will suggest you watch it and you’ll have to suffer through it a second time with a vague recollection that it sucks and none of the women get naked like they did in the 80′s. At least you can predict the plot. It’s hard to find any positives here but I’m pretty sure the crew will be refusing to eat lunch with Chevy. Hollywood used to have big ideas. Now they big actors in sequels. If you pay for Paul Blart 2, you’re part of the problem.
Photo Credit: WarnerBros.com
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 3:17 PM
Apparently women are obliged to spend an arduous amount of time picking out their clothes for work in the morning while men get to pick out gray suit #3 and be on with it. According to Matilda Kahl in her trailblazing Harper’s Bazaar essay, this routinely left her late for her ad agency job while her male coworkers arrived early, engaging in “bro-talk with the boss”. The worst. Kahl’s solution was to buy a dozen copies of the same outfit and wear it like a uniform to work. After she added some bows and ribbons and such. Feminism is not an orthodoxy after all. Now, Kahl is just like the guys. Wearing the same boring thing every day and presumably earning swell promotions, equal pay, and sprouting a dick as needed so she can use the shorter men’s room line in the office. Somebody could point out that woman have been wearing suits to work for decades now. The most dowdy pantsuit wearer of all time is about to become President of the United State. But think about all the female empowerment that would be lost in the shuffle. Hot women are suffering in the workplace and nobody seems to care. Attica.
Photo credit: Yahoo/Harper’s/ Courtesy of Max Ahlborn
By Jack April 13, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Self-described comedienne Lena Dunham Instagramed a picture of herself in tights and a sports bra to combat mental illness. It didn’t work. Seeing her half naked makes me deeply depressed.
See the horror…the horror. (Huffington Post)
Peyton List wears short shorts to Coachella, she’s not even barely barely legal. (Egotastic)
Manny Pacquiao records a song for his walkout. It is fucking amazing. (TMZ)
Doutzen Kroes in a one piece swimsuit is fucking sexy as hell. (Drunken Stepfather)
Emily Ratajkowski is all kinds of cleavy at the MTV Awards. (Hollywood Tuna)
Bella Thorne dresses in skimpy shorts at Coachella like every other slutty chick at Coachella. (Popoholic)
Sexy girls gettin’ sweaty in headbands. (The Chive)
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 11:23 AM
Coachella isn’t just about the cutting edge of Madonna and Drake kissing on stage, it’s about the people. If you’re a ticket buyer who spent their entire last paycheck from the Coffee Bean on a single wristband, you’re in with the tens of thousands sweaty masses taking ecstasy and imagining you’re a musical vanguard. If you’ve got a decent publicist, you’re in the cordoned off wide open area for the celebrities and their pharmaceutical reps. Tell your stylist to read up on Woodstock so she can outfit your appropriately. Bring a boy to make out with because you didn’t do high school and missed all the Hootie concerts. Bad girls dressed like injuns go to the front of the Arts Festival line. Have somebody tell you the name of your favorite band there and hope you don’t get a rash. Don’t forget the second weekend.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet