Ronda Rousey Questions Free Market

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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The UFC’s Ronda Rousey thinks female UFC fighters should get paid more than the ring girls. Sounds fair enough but if pay was based on the effort involved the guy who shingled your roof would be rocking a Bentley. Turns out pay works itself out as supply and demand. There are plenty of damaged ex Catholic girls willing to cock fight for the amusement of spectators or revenge on their fathers. Chicks who can walk in a circle, not so much. Rousey has in particular singled out Arianny Celeste who is the Cindy Crawford of sexually inappropriate jeering:

“Do you think her walking in circles around the two guys or two girls out there, like, fighting for their lives, is worth more? You think she works harder than they do?”

Celeste responded by calling Rousey a “bully” and then hiding in a locker and reverting back to her birth name. If anything the ring girls are especially important in women’s MMA, whose audience is 90 percent male. Guys see chicks punching each other in the ear and they get confused. Am I supposed to be angry, perturbed, aroused? Should I come to her defense and why is my dick out? Wait, do I have a thing for Marshawn Lynch? Yeah kick her fucking ass! I think I have some valium in the bathroom pour me another Makers. Hey there’s that ring girl with the nice tits. Thank God.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Victimized

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 6:04 AM

Lupita

Lupita Nyong’o, who played the chick you fantasized about bending over a saw horse while your pursed your face in consternation watching Twelve Years A Slave, had her Oscar dress stolen from her hotel room. The gown was adorned with 6,000 White Akoya pearls and is worth $150,000 if you believe the insurance claims. Normally I think thieves should have their hands cut off but fuck this shit. There’s no reason a human should be wearing a dress worth more than my house while our veterans are roaming the streets for half eaten quarter pounders. I hope the cleaning lady hawks it on the black market and puts her sixteen children through college or at least mechanic school. Or just goes rogue and wears it to a Pollo Locco and goes out in a blaze of glory. I wonder if Robin Hood had a meth addiction. Chain it up outside next time.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Nadeea Vollanova Seems Old Fashioned

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 1:39 PM

Nadeea Vollanova Wears A Bikini While Trying To Find A Rich Husband In LA
The theme of today seems to be young women with a career plan. I don’t like themes, if I were picking themes I wouldn’t choose that, but just seems to be how it’s turning out. This Russian singer slash red carpet photo bomber slash human wrestling turnbuckle just got plain about it in the streets of Los Angeles, holding up a sign asking rich guys for money. I suppose she’ll credit it as a prank. Like when you tell the undercover vice cop you were just joking when you asked for a happy ending in your hotel room. Vice cops have a tremendous sense of humor. They’ll usually belly laugh, kick you some Subway coupons, and tell you to be on your way. If I were offering fatherly advice, I’d encourage Vollanova to stash some cash in that whale tail and apply some Pilates to those haunches. This could be more fruitful than that week at DeVry.

Photo Credit: Splash

Dez Bryant in a Pickle

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 12:34 PM

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The Cowboys team toddler approach to raising Dez Bryant with a village of monitors has worked to the extent that Bryant hasn’t been busted yet for murder or not sorting his recycling or something that would result in Lady Justice taking away his double digit TD catches a year for the Cowboys. But the entourage can’t control the past.

Adam Schefter of ESPN is reporting the existence of a Walmart parking lot security tape of Bryant brutally yanking his girlfriend about like a rag doll in the hands of a young future serial killer. The police had previously investigated this incident back in 2011 but Bryant and his entourage and the girl all circled around a story about her being beat up by a third party not Bryant and Bryant coming to save her. The cops seemed to buy it.  Let’s go Boyz! That was pre-tape.

Given the current state of the NFL sort of kind of admitting they have a domestic abuse image problem, this video coming to light probably means an end to Dez Bryant’s NFL career. The shark’s can smell the blood from miles away. His own mom’s on tape now talking about Bryant tearing her shirt and smacking her around a bit in 2012. Stories like this should start flowing faster than CosRape bandwagon speed. Bryant’s so far responded only with a tweet that winds up:

I’m not ashamed of none of my past incidents because that’s what made me who I am today.

I’m pretty sure that’s a valid legal defense in Sweden. In Texas, they make you watch as they shoot your dog then use a rusty hatchet to sever your calves.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kid Rock Skins Otters And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 26, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kid Rock used to dip his wick in vegan PETA member Pam Anderson but now he flaunts an otter skin coat because he fucking can. This is America. We kill otters when we need to, we kill them when we don’t. Fuck the otters. They’d do the same to us if they could.

Read all about Kid Rock’s subtle pro-dead things message. (TMZ)

Miley Cyrus hates bras because Miley Cyrus. (Egotastic)

Kim Kardashian wears a black doilie in London. (Huffington Post)

Alyssa McGoogan wants to show you her tits and muff. (Drunken Stepfather)

Toochi Kash uses her unbelievable ass to sell expensive water. (Hollywood Tuna)

I would like to be the meat in an Elsa Hosk/Alessandra Ambrosio sandwich. (Popoholic)

MTV Thinks You’re Stupid, You Probably Are

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 11:24 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Hanging-Out-With-Strippers-And-Gives-A-Lap-Dance-At-The-Opening-Of-A-Vivid-Strip-Club-In-North-Carolina-LB
Sparked by silent outrage over how horribly staged Teen Mom was, MTV is banking on the fact that you’ll miss how horribly staged their ‘open book’ Teen Mom OG sequel series is. For the sake of their twin masters of Satan and the almighty dollar, MTV reassembled the original gang of chromosomally challenged teen moms to stage them in a series of fake fights, altercations, and some real arrests off camera for substance abuse. If MTV is lucky, they’ll get a suicide. Ratings bump pound explodes. The premise here is that cameras are filming the cameramen so nothing can be faked. If that makes any sense to you, you probably didn’t really earn that high school diploma.

In the teaser trailer, MTV is pushing the conceit that none of the young meth moms are aware that the contemptible Farrah Abraham is returning for the sequel series. Why would you bring back the one cast member with any commercial recognition. Girls who’ve had babies, been imprisoned, buried dead boyfriends, filmed porn, and slung drugs all before nineteen often produce looks of extreme shock at unexpected production notes. The day China produces Teen Mom, Drown Girl Baby, you’ll know maybe we have a chance to ever catch them again.

Photo Credit: WWTDD Archives

Ruby Palm Washes A Car

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:48 AM

Ruby Palm Washes A Car In A Pink Bikini
Damn these death water merchants are prolific. This chick I believe they found stocking shelves at the packy around the corner, handed her a pink thong and fifty bucks, and told her her motivation was she’s being raped, but in the fun way. In case you’re wondering, you could hook this same situation up on any block along Sunset for the same fifty. For a hundred you could walk away with the photos and the uneasy feeling it’s going to hurt like hell to pee in the morning. Commerce is beautiful. This girl isn’t half bad either.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training

By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 10:06 AM

Khloe Kardashian Waist Training
The Kardashian billy goat gruffs are fond of repeating the mantra about never having plastic surgery, rotocast chest humps aside. What they fail to mention is the World War II level industrial complex engaged to plug their cavities with wax, collagen, Amazonian toad venom, pickled creamed herring, and tan bark. If you’ve ever seen a cement truck being filled at the yard, you have some visual idea of the upkeep on these quasi arthropodal blow beasts. Khloe Kardashians big frame is the last real thing on her body. Once she has all the bones in her body cracked so she can be reformed into a fashionable size, she will be more quikrete than human and stationed in her mother’s front yard as a tomb marker for the buried Kardashian fetuses, 2003-2007. Cinch a little tighter. We’re on a schedule.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram