By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 5:20 PM
You can only protest your innocence for so long before the court date arrives and you need to look contrite and beg the judge for leniency as you plead guilty to lying, cheating, and stealing. Joe and Teresa Giudice, of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame, were facing up to 30 years in prison for making up bankruptcy debts, then making a bunch of dough from Bravo and hiding that from Uncle Sam as well. Pretty standard grifter stuff. They won’t get anything close to 30 years, maybe a few months, because America still lets con artists skate with lots of fines and public humblings. It goes back to the old days when the money classes decided they needed to slap each other on the wrist for being naughty natties, but not open the door to the hangings and beheadings reserved for the apple-stealing riffraff.
“I will describe the choices I made, continue to take responsibility for my decisions and express my remorse to Judge Salas and the public. I am heartbroken that this is affecting my family — especially my four young daughters, who mean more to me than anything in the world.” — Teresa Giudice
Now that sounds like a good mom of four young daughters. I hope she describes her choices in a new book that includes some killer recipes for easy lasagna and some advice on what to do with the kids on a summer staycation. Just make sure to keep those book sale receipts, eh, Teresa.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 4:36 PM
I know how much I hate it when photographers ask if they can take my picture during my eighteen minute workouts. One time I appeared on the cover of Fat Fuck magazine without so much as request for my consent. But I’m guessing this chick Michelle Lewin from Venezuela minds a little less.You don’t start pulling down the shorts for the paparazzi in Miami unless you know you’ve done a crunch or two.I know Obama’s busy writing angry letters to the editor, but we probably should send a few Chinooks into Venezuela and pick up the hot women before they all get picked off in the tin can revolution. If you’re sexy and you want to live, get on the chopper!
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack March 04, 2014 @ 4:17 PM
Gerardo “Rico Suave” Mejia has been given his own reality show on VH1. The show is called…wait for it…Suave Says. Gerardo left being a performer behind once he was asked to put on a shirt by everyone in America. He’s now an executive at Interscope records. The show will focus on him “passing the torch” of being a shitty singer to his three kids, (which is the price you pay for being a gigolo). Was there really a call for this? What kind of mouth-breathing moron greenlit this fucking thing? Why in the name of fuck would you broadcast a show about a one hit wonder from 25 years ago? The problem with this show, besides the obvious, is that Gerardo is perhaps the worst thing ever to happen to Latinos in America since the conquest of the Americas and the genocide of the native people. But that’s arguable. Some might argue that Gerardo was a pioneer by becoming one of the first Latino artists to make it big on the American charts. Bullshit. You can’t be a pioneer if you set Latinos back by 500 years. I truly believe that Gerardo is the reason there isn’t comprehensive immigration reform. Every time senators think about Latinos coming to America they picture a shirtless Gerardo showing up at their house to plow their daughters and tell them, “Y usted señor why’s your chin on the floor? Sierra la boca por favor.” Rude.
By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 3:20 PM
Jennifer Lawrence took a break from being disgusted by Hollywood selling young sexy woman to show up without panties at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It’s a bold meta statement on her desire to get the media to confess their sins. Quit looking at my pussy, you insidious sellers of snatch! As a reflection of her principles, Jennifer donates five-percent of revenues from all gigs she books due to her big young rack to a charity that helps hot women lament their good looks.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 2:16 PM
What to do when you’re not invited to the Oscars or any of the cool Oscar parties and you have no friends who want their boyfriends staring at your ginormous silicon tits all night? Hell, go to the night of 100 Stars Oscar viewing party. I’m not sure there actually were 100 stars at this particular venue. Once they designated Courtney Stodden in the celebrity category, I stopped counting. You don’t ever want to find yourself uttering ’69, Erik Estrada’. It seemed like Courtney enjoyed herself during the evening, surrounding herself with geriatric males old enough to be her husband. As Courtney learned from mama, they can’t grope your tits so much if they’ve got the arthritis.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Jack March 04, 2014 @ 2:03 PM
Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres is catching a shitload of flack from the transgender community for the only funny joke she made all night at The Oscars, pointing out that Liza Minnelli looks like a dude playing Liza Minnelli:
“Hello to the best Liza Minnelli impersonator I’ve ever seen. Good job, sir.”
People who support transgender rights have their various and assorted privates in a bunch about it. Ellen, who is the poster child for boring politically correct society, is now being called transphobic, which based on my single year of Latin tells me that Ellen hates things that change. I suppose in this case that means penis to vagina or vagina to penis. I’ve never been called transphobic before, it’s yet to catch on as a standard charge against people who don’t wholeheartedly support your right to be awesome. But I bet it hurts Ellen who even though she’s kept her lady parts, likes to package herself like John Peterman. I’m sensing a fracture from the T’s in the LGBT alliance. This isn’t exactly the Russians moving into Crimea, but the Bisexuals better look out for the nad-swappers, there’s going to be one glamorous fucking rumble.
By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 1:46 PM
Charles Barkley was right. Being a role model is just too fucking hard. Jennette McCurdy has tried her darndest to be a role model for young women. That involves all the pro forma checkboxes of telling girls to be themselves, talking about your favorite lipstick, and giggle about kissing boys when you’re boning an NBA baller on the QT. Jennette McCurdy was seeing Andre Drummond, then broke up, then called him a bad kisser, so he went all high school and leaked naughty lingerie photos she’d sent him during their brief romance. Now, she’s super ashamed. I mean, really truly ashamed.
Look right there. Ashamed emoticon. That’s the teen text girl version of driving a nail through your palm during Easter self-flagellation rituals in the Philippines. It’s always best to appear contrite when you’re looking to maintain those G-rated girl sponsorships rolling. I think with Miley plugging her vagina with various arena concession stand items nightly, you’re probably good with a few leaked lingerie photos. You have amazing tits. In the history of time, nobody’s ever been hurt from people knowing they have great tits. We’ll get through this, as a team. Now, how about you send your teammate some nudies?
By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Because we need constant reminders that a lot of famous people were once ordinary losers like us, people are going crazy over this photo of Matthew McConaughey dressed up for his high school prom. After Matthew won the Oscar for Best Actor on Sunday night, a girl Tweeted this photo of her aunt and the Dallas Buyers Club star from their big night many years ago, and I guess it’s cute in a folksy kind of way. But what I’d rather know is how dirty they got in the back of their limo or back in their hotel room that night. Did Matt give her an epic, all-night fit of sexual ecstasy or did he pump two times, jizz on her leg and then cry and apologize as he drove her home? That’s the kind of shit we need to know to determine just how normal this guy really was before he became a huge star.