Duke Students Still Leaning Asshole

By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 9:48 AM

Fun-Home-Comic-Panel
I’m not sure when Duke University gained the reputation for having douchebag students, or precisely when it was formally validated by science, but it seems borne out by repeated anecdotal evidence. Several incoming Duke Freshmen went onto Facebook to announce their Christian moral principles would be compromised if they were to read one of the five summer books the university suggested for all new students. Namely Fun Home. Your typical graphic novel about a girl who grows up with a dad in a funeral home business, who comes out as a lesbian only to discover that her dad too is secretly homosexual. That’s a lot of gay, but that’s also college.

The entire point of spending a boatload of your parent’s cash on four years of softly date raping co-eds and painting your face blue is to open your mind to shit that wasn’t allowed in your high school. If you’re talking any major university in 2015, that’s going to include a ton of gay literature. If your Christian values preclude you from even reading about abominations in fictitious form, then go to a school that fits your needs. Also, don’t read the Bible because there’s tons of Fun Home shit in there. Announcing your disagreement with school policies before you even arrive on campus for your first day seems kind of dickish. Sorry, I meant Dukish. See how I did that? Now, where the fuck is that barrette?

Photo credit: Fun Home

Bella Hadid in a Bikini in GQ

By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 9:06 AM

Bella Hadid String Bikini Goddess
Any guy with half a ladies man brain knows you always hit on the younger sister. The younger sister will surpass the older sister simply because she’s sick to shit of playing second fiddle to that bitch who got all the good clothes and mom and dad attention. Bella Hadid left her undiagnosed Lyme disease ravaged celebrity mom’s bedside as soon as she turned eighteen to try and outdo her older sister Gigi in the world of looking fuckable in a wet bikini. As of now I’m giving her the edge. The next play is yours, Bella. Your older sister won’t do anal. No, that’s not important to me. But it should be important to you.

Photo Credit: GQ Magazine

Rosie O’Donnell Gets Another Penis Off the Street

By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

Steven-Sheerer-Mug-Shot

After Rosie O’Donnell tracked down her teen daughter Chelsea in the home of some 20-something dude she met on Tinder, O’Donnell and her press machine went into overdrive pushing the story that her daughter was mentally ill and off her meds and this Steven Sheerer she met was a hardened criminal and a predator. The alternative is that her daughter is sick of her adopted mom’s nut baggery and wanted to get the hell out of Dodge and get laid by the first reasonably handsome dude she met. But that just seems ludicrous compared to Rosie’s version of events.

This dude never touched her daughter the entire time she was away, leaving O’Donnell unable to give her tear-filled speech about the sacred hymen violation of her Chelsea. O’Donnell uncovered two old drug arrests on Sheerer’s record, but he’d already been sentenced to probation for those offenses. O’Donnell moved to Plan C and confiscated her daughter’s phone, finding randy messages from this dude and things he liked to do with pretty girls in bed. O’Donnell had him arrested on ‘obscenity’ charges since her daughter’s only seventeen and this guy had a dick. It’s entirely unclear if Sheerer even knew Chelsea’s age from meeting on Tinder where lying is considered foreplay. Sheerer’s now being held on $40,000 bail and could face up to ten years in prison. Hell hath no fury like a fat lesbian thrice divorced mother of ninety-seven.

Photo credit: Ocean County Prosecutor’s Office

Kelly Brooks Has Boobs Will Travel

By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

KB

If you’re a model but haven’t dropped the hyphen past 19 it just means you suck at everything besides walking upright. Print some new business cards. Kelly Brooks is a model and actress and will tell you all about it at real estate class orientation. You know what is slightly more interesting than your story about the time you and your girlfriends went to the Bahamas and pretended to blow that guy for the photo? The fact that you actually blew him after. Props for the real tits. Those should bode well going forward. Now get a job that doesn’t involve Ellen or fucking men or fucking Ellen. Amazon is hiring, if you’ve got good spirit.

Photo credit: Instagram

Courtney Stodden Failing Miserably

By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Stodden

After nobody bit on Courtney Stodden’s sex tape that was fake stolen from her barely pubescent agent’s Van Nuys strip mall office she moved on to more desperate tactics as if it could get any worse. Time to move to Germany. They have unions for this shit. If it wasn’t obvious, she’s got a bunch of tape on her tits and stuck inside her pussy and that drill smells like a shrimp cannery. The tape thing is kind of clever but people don’t really jerk off to Woody Allen movies. Except Woody Allen and every film critic in the five boroughs. Usually you’ve got to have something to back it up. She’s the opposite of nebbish. Her left arm looks like Dolph Lundgren’s circa the steroid era. Her pussy is probably pretty tight. Because it’s taped shut. For once.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Floyd Mayweather Buying Love

By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 6:24 AM

Mayweather Car

Floyd Mayweather bought or at least posed with and pretended to buy a 5 million dollar car. His kids also hate him. That’s doesn’t excuse your Sentra with the ketchup stains on the cloth upholstery. It’s a Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita. No idea what that means but it goes really fast into a brick wall. Try and top it out, Money. I’ve seen your fights, let’s get you bloody for once. Normally head room would be a problem but you’re a midget who beats up other midgets and occasionally your special lady. History will not look kindly on us as a people. But definitely not you. Yes, you can be asked to be buried in that thing. 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

NFL Cheerleader Molly Shattuck Jailed For Blowing 15-Year Old Boy

By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

Molly Shattuck Sentenced To Weekend Jail For Child Sex Abuse
Heaven sent late 40-something Ravens cheerleader Molly Shattuck was finally sentenced for the horrible non-crime of blowing a fifteen year old boy who went to her son’s school. Nothing worse than when a big titted blond mom picks your name out of the lucky bastard lottery hat and sucks on your cock at the beach house before the school year begins. Twat. The boy went and ratted out Shattuck who was arrested and today sentenced to spend two years worth of weekends in jail. The working theory being that she’s too busy during the week to give out hummers at the local Webelos jamboree. She also has to pay the family of what the justice system is calling the ‘rape victim’ the sum of ten grand and change to cover the cost of the handkerchiefs for his nightly tears over having the cum drained out of his teen cock by an NFL cheerleader. Fuck the loser children of today. Ungrateful brats. Fuck everyone involved in this story. Except for Molly Shattuck. In saner times she’d be exalted on a pedestal and men would throw bills into her cleavage. I’d estimate two more years of weekends before saner times.

Photo Credit: Facebook/Baltimore Sun

The Price Of Kylie Jenner’s Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kylie Jenner was recently offered ten million dollars to make a sex tape with Tyga for Vivid. Porn expert Larry Flynt claims Kylie Jenner’s ass is worth a million dollars tops. That’s what he’s offered her to take a naked shit on his grave.

How much would you pay for Kylie’s ass? (TMZ)

Natasha Olenski does the naked news report for Naked News. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Nicola Peltz’s booty will make your eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf. (Drunken Stepfather)

Danica Patrick doing yoga give me an upward facing boner. (Busted Coverage)

Elizabeth Turner’s cleavage is redonkulous. (Hollywood Tuna)

Olivia Culpo bikinis just for you. (Popoholic)

Miss BumBum contestant Claudia Alenda looks just like Megan Fox minus the plastic surgery. (The Chive)