By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 1:48 PM
Don’t believe the hype on LinkedIn. Your buddy the assistant IT director is just lugging monitors around the office. That chick you met at speed dating is having a work anniversary at a company that sounds suspiciously like her alone in her apartment. Yay, I didn’t fire myself. The world needs more personalized hemp greeting cards. Chrissy Teigen however is actually a model. I recommended her for the skills of nude modeling, modeling without clothes on, naked modeling, snatch patch flashing, and nipples worth watching. Also, social media expert. I do that for everybody without a real job.
Photo Credit: Mert Alas And Marcus Piggott For W Magazine
By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 12:42 PM
Bobbi Kristina Brown’s family surrounded her in her hospice facility where she is fading out to a better elsewhere. The family is biding their time with Jumble puzzles and subtly mentioning that maybe the lawyer guy could read the will soonish as they all have plans for the Fourth. Bobby Brown’s nephew Shayne took time from his schedule of radio appearances sold on dishing Bobbi Kristina’s condition to bring comfort to the bereaved. Medical science remains unclear as to whether somebody in Bobbi Kristina’s condition can sense the voices and presences of those surrounding her. If you believe she can, you owe it to her to dress up as a hospice nurse and work your way to her bedside with a pillow. Ten years from now you’ll hear a thumping on your bedroom wall that is Morse code for Bless You.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 11:51 AM
Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.
I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.
Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.
By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 9:54 AM
The list of chicks who’ve lost their upstanding black men to the Kardashian family is expanding. Occasionally these wandering whores confab and rub their big fake titties up against one another and lament the draw for rappers of Kardashian steamy junk holes. Everybody handles grief in their own manner. There’s no shame in settling. You think a dentist is going to tell you, bitch, your big old ass just don’t do it for me anymore? Nay. Ask for the N20 and keep your eyes on your Yeezy booties. DDS wives don’t live fast, but they do make it to forty. A Cadillac is just a Jewish Ferrari. What do you mean I can’t wear this top in synagogue?
Photo credit: Getty Images/Instagram
By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 9:19 AM
OSHA or somebody should probably put a legal end to this grotesque freak show of injections. Kanye West’s mom is dead. That should mean something more than Kanye donning her clothes and demanding whores run their coke nails through his fro. Skin isn’t carbon fiber. Shit is going to burst. Children covered in viscous body gravy are going to be fractured for life. Looking like Barbie’s less attractive cohort on angel dust is no way to find real love. Even the money is kind of sucky. Discharge a couple thousand cubic centimeters of viscous and let’s see if we can’t get you a a real estate license. There’s no reason you can’t have low self esteem and commission.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 7:37 AM
The Lakers first round draft pick Larry Nance Jr. called his new teammate Kobe Bryant a rapist on Twitter three years ago because it’s fun to be controversial and it’s also partially accurate. Upon being selected by the Lakers, the Tweet was immediately deleted meaning his agent was really holding out in negotiations to keep it up there along with his slut shaming of Princess Diana:
“Gee I sure hope Kobe can keep his hands to himself in Denver this time. #rapist”
This isn’t an innuendo so much as a notarized under oath account of his opinion on Kobe’s guilt in his Colorado sexual assault case from three playoff appearances ago. For his part, Kobe will respond professionally by never passing Nance the ball and the Lakers winning 14 games. He will then retire to Brunei where the rape laws are much softer, just like the rookies these days. This league is going downhill. Rookies used to bury evidence for the veterans. Now they don’t even kiss ass. I blame video games and heterosexuals.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:54 AM
Ireland Baldwin got a septum piercing and held up a note thanking the jewelry store for giving her free shit. Their motivation remains unclear but odds are someone there sells her pills. The septum piercing has a long tradition in America dating back to the club extras in the first Ninja Turtles movie. It has many significant cultural implications. Some of the early First Nations people to be sacrificed to the volcanoes wore them. Nobody liked them, that’s why they were chosen.
I talk about spirituality in coke dens while getting tricked into letting a forty year old lesbian in a leather vest go down on me. I read the horoscope section and then nod knowingly. Above all, I really fucking hate my parents. Will this piss them off or should I move onto the face tattoo. What if I grew a beard would you pay attention? What do you mean you aren’t hiring bartenders? Do you know who my father is? I don’t wake up before noon. What does ethereal mean again? Yeah, that. I need more pills. My clit still works and I’m not longer lesbian. Go to town.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Hugh Hefner’s ex fake girlfriend and reality show whore Holly Madison wrote a superbly uninteresting tell all book about life in the Playboy Mansion and is now spilling the mundane beans to any shitty tabloid who will listen. Some of her major revelations are that Hefner once offered her drugs and that he is sometimes irritable. She didn’t mention being paid $1,000 a week plus free room and board on top of promotional appearance fees to pretend she was listening to him tell the same story about hanging with Dean Martin for the thirtieth time.
Americans understand Hugh Hefner is a pathetic dork so insecure in his sexuality he has to hire runaways to pretend they fuck him. We wrote him off a long time ago and have an app to screen potential dates for any trace of desperation that would lead them to live in his musty curtained herpes lair. Given Hefner is responsible for the minuscule amount of notoriety Madison has, many feel it uncouth to write a book attempting to slam him. Included is Hef’s son, Cooper Hefner, who as a young child drilled many holes in the drywall of his father’s house and watched him slap the headboard with a rolling pin while demanding the girls moan loudly:
“How does a person who is famous for being a gold digger paint themselves as a victim of a relationship they aggressively sought out for? Holly Madison, V. Stiviano, and a few other lovely ladies that lived in LA make a Justice League type group of wonderfully shitty people.”
They form like Voltron and your dad is the head. He probably wouldn’t be surrounded by so many shitty people if he wasn’t the grand marshal of their parade. Cooper makes some good points. Now back to the board room to stave off Playboy’s bankruptcy for another six months. We have Evil Angel now. Classy broads. I’ll give Madison a year.
Photo Credit: Twitter