Kylie Jenner posted photos of herself in a swimsuit getting ready for second period of her imaginary high school. When nobody penned derogatory comments about her getting fat, she pointed out to the world that she had put on weight, so deal with it. The only thing worse than being fat shamed in 2015 is to not be fat shamed. Sure, the dudes don’t care. They just want to whisk you off to wherever Tyga takes you to fuck you statutorily proper, but you’re going to see an exponential drop in your score among the muffin tops if nobody’s trolling you with undue fatty comments. Almost time to hashtag #AbortionIsAPrivateMatter with ultrasounds of your fetus waving goodbye and then fire back at the haters. I’m not sure I can legally ask you to STFU and show us your tits, but I’m thinking it.
I could tell you how much money Paris Hilton gets slipped into her garter to DJ Cannes film festival nightclub events but it would just cause you to punch something you love. As the reigning world’s greatest DJ as determined by formerly bi-curious men on the continent, Paris’ take is something north of the GDP of the entire misunderstood continent of Africa, though only 72% of what Bill Gates makes thanks to shitty sexism. Everybody comes to see Paris work her laptop, her functioning retina locked on the track pad as if the party lives of four hundred French-speaking Arabs depended on it. Cannes is bank for Paris. If you hate it, you hate capitalism and are probably rooting for ISIS. Stop hating on Paris and start loving America. You won’t get the herp if you take her from behind. Read it on Web MD.
Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.
Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.
A massive gun fight between rival biker gangs in the parking lot of a Waco strip mall left nine people dead and eighteen injured. It is believed the Cossacks and Scimitars were working together against the Bandidos. The former reportedly called for a truce, which ended up being a set up just like in every single scene of Sons of Anarchy ever. Still, it was worth a shot. The shit hit the fan and the bikers finally got to bust out those big ass weapons they bought behind the churros stand at the State Fair. A biker war has been brewing for weeks. Police have recently set up makeshift SWAT stations outside of Twin Peaks, a titty restaurant which serves lousy chicken wings to biker gang members who eschew the gourmand label.
I’m torn because I fucking love when shit from the movies happens in real life and the world has less idiots to care for. Yet I feel bad when women and children and dogs over fifty pounds are in any way collateral damage. A word to the wise, don’t take your kids somewhere being staked out by by SWAT. The Hooters a few blocks down is only under County Health advisement.
Al Sharpton’s daughter Dominique is suing the city of New York for $5 million because she tripped on some uneven pavement in her stripper heels. The lawsuit says she “will continue to suffer for some time physical pain and bodily injuries.” She was seen wearing a walking boot sometime after the injury although it could have just been a fashion misfire. Working against her case is a photo she posted a photo of herself on top of a mountain in Bali several weeks after filing suit over her wrecked foot:
“One of the most beautiful sites ever. And YES I ALMOST DIED GETTING UP THERE LOL. #Balidays we made it, WHEW.”
Dominique holds a high ranking position in her father’s National Action Network which shakes down companies into donating money in exchange for not being called out as racist. It’s a good racket if you don’t mind being universally despised. Bilking $5 million from New York taxpayers can’t be good for the free lunch program but I’m guessing the city will cave because Al Sharpton continues to have some Penguin like grip over Gotham. Maybe next time she’ll trip on the cab that just hit her going fifty. Somebody’s got to pay for dad’s sins.
President Obama has signed up for Twitter six and a half years into his presidency and is even considering tackling some of his campaign promises. He currently has 851,000 followers and is rumored to be super jealous of Katy Perry. So far he has sent out one tweet which announced that he started the account and will be spending a lot of time on his laptop. I’m pretty sure the whole thing is a ruse to up his porn game. His Twitter bio reads:
“Dad, husband, and 44th President of the United States.”
I think you fucked up the order Barry. If we’re talking priorities I really don’t give a shit how well you fuck your wife or how often you sit down for dinner with the kids. You’ve got a country to run for eighteen more months and should be trolling ISIS accounts on Twitter and dropping screeds. Obama is following the Bulls, White Sox, and Blackhawks as well as many members of his cabinet and former presidents Bush and Clinton. He is not following Hillary Clinton which has raised some eyebrows and people are hypothesizing that even political hacks are now starting to measure each other on social media. I look forward to the POTUS dick pics he thought got erased on Snapchat. This can only get even more uninteresting. Let the fat shaming begin.
Stories planted by the Kardashian press team are hammering the point that Kris Jenner is in tears learning that her husband of two decades always wanted to be a real woman. That too was her dream. Kris has been locked in the war room at the Kardashian brothel feverishly planning to regain media attention from her ex-husband who is set to lop off his dick on national television. That’s like Copperfield making the elephant disappear. A game changer. Jenner dispatched the whorelets to the far reaches of the earth to flash their tits and ass and cloud the minds of the weak. Two more weeks of losses and she comes out with a working cock and announces she just took Obama’s daughter’s virginity. The younger one. Kris Jenner doesn’t know how to lose.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.