If Russell Brand Is Mayor, What’s the City?

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 7:36 AM

Brand

Russell Brand is reportedly mulling over a run for mayor of London. It’s unclear if he will be widely considered intelligent in a land where everyone else has the same ridiculous accent that makes them seem smart for precisely one sentence. Brand is essentially that cousin who comes to Thanksgiving after his first semester of college and wants to lecture you on the Federal Reserve. You’re thinking isn’t this the same guy who pissed in the fireplace while you stare at his mouth moving as his forehead sweats. Suddenly this shit for brains knows everything. His opinions will morph with each succeeding 102 class or something he hears on Stern and passes off as his own formed thought. I support Brand’s run for mayor. I don’t know if he would be good or not, but nobody here gives a shit about what happens in London, and it’s a full time job. That means less Brand over here. Vote Brand for Mayor.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Ashley Greene Condo Fire Case Cracked

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Greene

After Ashley Greene’s condo burned down last year someone found a crack pipe in it, according to her building manager Adrian Mayorga. Apart from spreading sensationalized rumors about her, Mayorga is suing Greene for respiratory damage he incurred while huffing smoke from the flames. He is also insinuating Greene and the other two people in the place being fucked up could have led to the fire, since after they evacuated they looked:

“Disoriented … they looked like they were drunk or under the influence of something.”

Usually a raging fire that destroys an entire condo in the middle of the night can lead you to appear disoriented, whether you are planning to attend church in the morning or rack lines with Charlie Sheen. Mayorga’s money grab may or may not succeed. It’s not illegal to own a glass pipe if you use it for non-crack purposes like just pretending to be a crack pipe smoker for Halloween. Greene will no doubt have to pay out some money, but that’s part of the deal when you have deep pockets and you let a candle catch your curtains on fire like a fucking nitwit. This isn’t a homestead in late nineteenth century Dakota territories, its a condo in LA. Dim the lights, Twilight moron.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kat Von D Seems Guilty (VIDEO)

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Kat Von D flipped out on paparazzi filming a fire at her tattoo parlor and reality television set. Clearly Von D values her privacy and personal space, unless there is a appearance contract and merchandising deal involved, at which point you’re free to watch her drop a deuce into a seat-less toilet and spit out staged dialog borrowed from Ice Road Truckers.

Von D’s entire house burned to the ground a few years back. Most people go their whole lives without pulling a fire alarm outside of a high school prank. This chick can’t seem to keep a structure standing. As an entrepreneur Von D is financially savvy. I wonder if that passion extends to the insurance business. Maybe that’s why she wants to keep this under wraps. Gone are the days when someone can let their commercial property and reality television set burn to the ground on the down low. It’s tough out there in this new digital world, where your fairly transparent motivations are visible not only to the prying eyes of the public, but also the arson unit and your insurance carrier.

Mostly I just want to know how a brooding tattoo artist in a cape gets a twelve person posse. Von DĀ scolds the paparazzi that they should be ashamed of themselves for their chosen professions. What about the assistant to your assistant bag holder? I’d rather tell my mom I film celebrities torching their workshops for cash than I’m the backup tampon guy for Kat Von D.

Draya Michele Orchestrates Sex Crime

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 6:05 AM

Michele

Jennifer Lawrence may have had a point when she called the release of her nude photos a sex crime. That would make Basketball Wives star and professional whore monger who was never married to a basketball player, Draya Michele, a soon to be felon. Her ex boyfriend is suing to recover a sex video they made because he is concerned Draya will publicly release it. In fact it’s being shopped around to various companies who specialize in pretending they aren’t professional porn distributors. I plan to watch the video and feel extremely violated on behalf of all men, mostly just to enhance my orgasm. This sex crazed society has led horny dudes to be exploited as nothing more than pieces of meat while they bang hot sluts. They can use our bodies but they can never take our freedom. Man jihad, let’s do this.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Stephen Collins Problems And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 24, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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7th Heaven dad and kiddie fiddler Stephen Collins is whining to anyone who will listen that he can’t get any work. You know, because he likes to wave his willy in front of kids. Pobrecito.

He’s got 99 problems and being a child molester is a big one. (The Superficial)

Tori Spelling has lost her ever loving shit. (TMZ)

Hailey Clauson has some tig ‘ol biddies, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

That Glee show sucks balls but Naya Rivera’s tits are splendid. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio makes me want to workout my wrist in this sportswear. (Popoholic)

Joanna Krupa and Peta Murgatroyd wear see-through clothes and it’s good. (COED)

They had to reshoot Fifty Shades of Grey sex scenes to better get bored housewives off. (Dlisted)

Eva Marcille Politely Requests You Stare at Her Tits

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

Eva Marcille Reveals Boob As She Attends Premiere For Sister Code
I like when actresses I don’t know show off their tits on the red carpet. It forces me into journalst mode though I have no formal training or I formal clue in that regard. Who is this woman? What has she been in? What are her dreams and hopes and aspirations. That seems like a lot of work merely to justify hoping her breasts fall out of her top. You do it.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Taylor Swift Shakes It All Off

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Bra And Leggings While Performing On Jimmy Kimmel Live
People got kind of pissed last night when Hollywood Boulevard got shut down for a Taylor Swift outdoor pop performance for Jimmy Kimmel. Even the ex-con costumed characters agreed to stop fighting over turf and come together in their hatred toward Taylor Swift for crapping out their unlicensed panhandling for an evening. In your face pedo-Chewbacca, according to Taylor Swift, her music and her muse is currently all about telling the haters that they can’t touch her or the camel toe she was flashing:

“You know what? If you’re upset and irritated that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more, and I’m having more fun than you so it doesn’t matter.”

I’m pretty sure she borrowed eloquence from Dr. King on that one. Taylor’s ‘I don’t care’ attitude is an evolution from her ‘why is everybody picking on me’ doctrine of previous years. It signals she’s made the leap from grammar school to middle school thinking which should please her developmental therapist. As for me, I just like when the music stops and the bad people and their traffic go away.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/AKM-GSI

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear Super Well

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:58 AM

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear For Urban Outfitters
This chick seems to be getting a lot of jobs. Probably all those IT certifications on her resume. Maybe her perfectly tight ass which says to the world, I don’t need no fucking IT certifications. I’ll find a guy to set up my email. Good for you, sweetheart. The biggest mistake people make in life is wasted effort.

Photo Credit: Urban Outfitters