Budweiser Drunk Rants The NFL

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 6:49 AM

Bud

Anheuser Busch, the official beer of both the NFL and spousal abuse, released a statement questioning the league’s handling of the encephalopathy victims it has created who are currently running amok. Anheuser took some time from their legal efforts to get alcohol into the hands of soccer hooligans and released a statement:

“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season. We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”

The booze business is tough if you have strong morals. It turns out most of society’s problems are based on drunken people doing anti-helpful drunken shit. The odds Ray Rice had an Anheuser product in his system when he cold clocked his wife match the overwhelming probability that Budweiser plans to do nothing to address violent drunks outside of writing this lame letter. If Budweiser were truly concerned with poor behavior it could pull its product off the shelves and get into the coconut water business. Nobody ever mooned their high school principal on grad night because of too much coconut water.

Of course nobody expects that. We’ve all signed a social contract that says we are going to get fucked up on Bud and deal with the consequences after the fact by making self-righteous statements about the evils of alcohol. In that spirit, Anheuser should shut up and enjoy the show and ask that Ray Rice be forced to use the stairs after visiting their luxury box.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Apple Creates U2 Garbage Disposal

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 6:18 AM

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In light of a new marketing partnership between Apple and U2, 500 million users iCloud accounts had U2′s new album synched to them all by the process of waving a wand and yelling Shazam. All 500 million customers found this annoying except for two guys in acid washed jeans who drive Porches. The album was clearly hastily thrown together in the name of commercialism as opposed to art. Most young iClouders knows Bono as that old guy who cries about human rights but gladly accepts checks from Apple without a tour of its Chinese prison factories. In response to a flood of complaints, Apple set up a program that allows you to delete the entire album in one click, although it might take two if the track you’re playing out of morbid curiosity is especially preachy. In terms of free shit on the Internet recently, I’d have to rank this comped U2 album slightly above a Trojan virus and well below Kate Upton’s tits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

John Travolta Plunges Into Gay Rumors

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 3:08 PM

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Nobody denies a gay rumor like John Travolta. It’s like watching a pro at his best. He doesn’t really deny them so much as say he laments the state of the modern media or changes the subject by mentioning his tragically deceased teenage son. Nobody really gives a shit anymore if John Travolta like a little cock for breakfast. Maybe twenty years ago it was interesting only because everybody in Hollywood was still in the closet and audiences chose to believe in their hetero masculinity. Now most people have decided to remember that at least half of their drama club in high school was gay and didn’t suddenly discover a love of vagina on their way to Hollywood or Broadway. The only reason the gay Travolta stuff keeps coming up is the repeated lawsuits from masseuses and former employees alleging Travolta is a cockenstuffer of the highest order. Also, there’s the whole scary Megan’s Law meets David Geste painted face and hair thing going on too, but that’s more creepy than gay.

Travolta is currently being outed by Douglas Gotterba, a pilot who worked for Travolta’s aircraft company in the 80′s and now wants to write a book about he and Travolta joined the Mile High Cock Club together. I guess that might sell a couple copies to somebody somewhere. Travolta had Gotterba sign a confidentiality agreement when he left the company years ago that specifically stated no spilling the beans about trade secrets or Travolta grunting out ‘Mr. Kotter’ during anal sex. Gotterba is suing to overturn the agreement so his book isn’t both sucky and boring. I couldn’t possibly care less if he wins or not. I’ll just assume everything he asserts about cock play is true and save myself some Kindle money for when the Kevin Spacey book comes out.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Adrian Peterson Really Hates Kids And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 16, 2014 @ 2:15 PM

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Adrian Peterson is accused of beating a completely different four year old bastard than the one he whooped with a switch. Some people are calling this a sign he has a pattern of abusing his children. I say, he’s just making sure he treats them all equally. Great dads do that.

Read more about Adrian Peterson’s parenting tips. (The Superficial)

Julianne Hough has some big ‘ol titties. But you knew that already. (Huffington Post)

Rihanna is a sucky singer but a good bikini wearer. (Drunken Stepfather)

Eva Mendes shit out Ryan Gosling’s handsome womb troll. (Fox News)

Whoever designed the Colombian bike team’s uniforms is a dirty perv. (Dlisted)

Martha Hunt in a bikini is everything. (Popoholic)

Anastasia Ashley is wearing a bathing suit that is mostly not there. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna Pissed at the NFL

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

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Rihanna’s firing back at the NFL for pulling her opening song for last week’s Thursday night football because the game involved the Ravens and the Ray Rice story was hot and heavy and when people think of Rihanna they think of her being punched in the face by angry Chris Brown. Or, just because the NFL vacillates between under-reacting and over-reacting to unexpected news like an unmedicated bipolar on her period. That’s a cheap shot at both the mentally ill and women when I really just wanted to mock the NFL. This abusive trap is easy to fall into.

Rihanna-Tweet-about-the-NFL

It’s a nice sentiment, Rihanna. If you owned your own publishing and master recording rights, it might actually mean something. It does suck that Rihanna got punched in the face and now she has to deal with the consequences while Chris Brown conducts his court-ordered community service which seems mostly to be playing ball and banging hookers and throwing rocks at his mom. There’s no denying victim stigma. It lingers. If you have a choice between a famous rapping boyfriend with a bad temper and, say, a tax accountant who will let you sit on his face while you eat Rocky Road and then thanks you for the privilege, consider the option that gets you punched less.

Photo credit: Rihanna/Twitter

Miley Cyrus Calls the Cops

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Miley Cyrus Shows Stomach While Getting A Police Escort For Her Motorcycle
It’s not uncommon for the police to receive calls regarding disoriented elderly women and wandering illegal immigrant children who are still confused after walking a thousand miles in homemade sandals. Miley Cyrus called for the police from a fire station after being followed by a paparazzi snapping she and her sister riding their 3-wheeled motorcycle around Beverly Hills.

Despite what you saw in the Eddie Murphy movies, the Beverly Hills police don’t have all that much to do. Providing safe passage for Miley back to her bong and malt-liquor filled dildo hangout seemed like a sensible use of law enforcement resources. Until Suge Knight seeks his revenge, things are kind of slow in the 90210. Why not lend a hand to the less fortunate and small-breasted.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Victoria Wild Looks Like A Blow Up Sex Toy

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 12:33 PM

Victoria Wild Gets Surgery To Look Like Blow Up Doll
Who has the right to judge what makes other people happy? Did a haloed Maya Angelou descend from heaven and anoint you the arbiter of dreams in some amateurish poem? For Victoria Wild, a fake named citizen of the nation of France, the unyielding desire since childhood was to look like a blow up sex doll. Why? Why not I might contend while staring at her dead plasticine face and unrealistic tits and calculating how many bicycle pumps it would take to get her perfectly puckered anus ready for prison sex.

I learned about boob jobs and plastic surgery. I realised it was possible to make my dreams come true. I could become the sexy, bimbo doll I had always envisioned in my head.

I say good for you, sister. There’s no reason why Guangdong manufactured latex inflatables should be taking all the nerd cum in the world. Not when scalpels and cultured Hungarian pig fat and a twisted Italian boyfriend can and turn a woman into a self-heating version of the same copulatory pleasures. Is looking like a passed around fuck toy your dream? No, you probably wanted to be an NFL quarterback. How’s that coming along?

Photo Credit: Twitter

Taylor Swift Has New Tits and a Tumblr Account

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 11:50 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Crop Top And Mini Skirt While Walking In NYC
The lingering utility of social media is for radicalized Islamic terrorists to recruit disaffected Muslim teens and for young girls to get a chance to pretend Taylor Swift give a shit about them. Other than that, it’s trolls and Michelle Obama telling you to eat your vegetables like a Mr. T reboot. Taylor Swift has just moved onto Tumblr to symbolize the ultimate pointlessness of that social media network as well. She’s pretending she doesn’t have a sizable publicity and media team that runs her social blog. She’s asking her fans a bunch of basic questions on how to set up her Tumblr page. And, tens of thousands are responding, because the eleven year old C-student mind is still oblivious to the commercial ruse.

It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Taylor Swift does spend many of her late evenings on her laptop cruising around the Internet. But she’s not building her professional looking Tumblr blog. She’s trolling the accounts of her burn list and ex-boyfriends writing about how they’re assholes who have V.D. Also, ordering personalized cock-shaped cookies for her girlfriends so they can giggle.

Photo Credit: Splash