By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 2:14 PM
The human fallout from Neverland Ranch rivals that of Fukushima, only Japanese people with glowing tumors at least have a medical fighting chance. The kids who swung the pedophile play structure at Michael Jackson’s private retreat for pubescent exploration are never to be cured. Even McCauley Caulkin who didn’t get finger shtupped never quite got over being left out of the Jesus Juice games. Prince Jackson seems kind of normal. He’s the oldest of Michael’s three kids, along with daughter Paris and however you would gender define Blanket. Prince seems to be the lone survivor. He’s kind of a normal teen who likes to take his pudgy girlfriend to the movies or to the mall. His bio mom Debbie Rowe is trying to get custody of Prince, along with Paris and the aforementioned amphibious-appendaged Blanket even though it came out of a different test tube than her two bio kids. The former dental assistant has an inkling that the Jackson family is a fucked up group of soul and cash sucking fiends and even though she was never supposed to be a parent to the kids, now she wants to rescue them. Especially from Jermaine who she says is super creepy. When a woman says a man is super creepy in regard to children, that’s a polite way of saying she thinks he diddles kids. But expect that not shocking Jackson family revelation to only come out if the custody hearing gets nasty. It’s been months since we had a good Jackson family trial. I’m ready.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack April 11, 2014 @ 12:50 PM
Glee star and spicy empanada Naya Rivera seems to be the reason she and Big Sean broke up. The fairy tale romance ended this week when Big Sean’s publicist released a statement saying he kicked her fine ass to the curb. Rumor has it that the reason was because she is a crazy controlling succubus with hypnotically empowered new titties. Apparently, Naya demanded to know where Sean was at all times, was constantly texting and calling him, and was pathologically jealous of any woman he worked with. She would threaten to ruin his career if he didn’t oblige her insecurities She also Tweeted an accusation saying that Big Sean had stolen her Rolexes. Why would a rich dude steal a tiny woman’s Rolex? To use it as a $5000 cock ring that tells time? It just goes to show you that women be crazy at all socio-economic levels. Thanks to the feminist movement, you can now find girls who will cut your dick off in your sleep working anywhere from graveyard shift at the donut shop all the way up to corporate CEOs. If I were Big Sean I’d beef up my security. A dick is the kind of thing you want to keep around until at least fifty.
By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 12:43 PM
Putting hot Hispanic women on the side of the road with their hoods up is only the latest sinister trick executed by The Others fronting as the 138 Water Company. There’s nobody who can resist a Spanish speaking chick in shorts having car troubles. Sure, you stereotyping cretins will ask why she doesn’t phone one of her seventeen cousins who works in the auto repair and towing industries to come help her change out her belts. But most of us would stop and pretend to help so we could watch her pour water on her tits to help cool her radiator. And that will be the last time anyone ever hears from you, until a child three miles away finds a vivisected human carcass and single eyeball scarred with horrific sights.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 12:22 PM
Minnie Driver didn’t really like the unflattering comments she received on her recent bikini pictures so she’s leaving Twitter.
First off, boo fucking hoo. Criticism really is tragic. Here’s how social media works, Minnie. You are either naturally good looking in which case a ton of men will tell you how fucking hot you are all the time and assume you’re smiley face emoticons mean they will soon be boning you in their parents basement, or you build up an army of sycophants, estranged young cutters and tubbies who will back you blindly like you’re marching toward Jerusalem to free the Holy City. Your army is weak, Minnie Driver. So unless you start posting half naked selfies doing shots with your besties in Cancun, people are going to point out that your rose tattoo is a good six inches lower than when we last saw it a few years ago. Quitting Twitter is so 2012.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
By Travis April 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
It’s still downright baffling how someone who is 35 and constantly looks like she smells like a brewery like Michelle Rodriguez was able to score a lesbian fling with model Cara Delevingne, but sometimes the experimental bisexual love of two famous and wealthy people knows no bounds. But Cara’s new ad campaign for Yves Saint Laurent allowed her to seduce and kiss someone who’s more on her level, because she’s kissing herself, or at least a mirror image of herself, in this lipstick commercial. If anything, this could be the video that finally proves to all the government assholes who oppose cloning that there are benefits of the controversial testing and procedures that far outweigh the cries of the pussies that claim it’s all for saving mankind.
By Travis April 11, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn’t bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she’s back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of “fashion,” she’s squeezing her big old mom tits into tight dresses for the sake of “fashion.” Where was she going with her breasts crammed so tight that the escape of just one could have caused a 5.5 on the Richter scale? I don’t know, but I’m sure her date paid plenty.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 6:11 PM
I like when people with problems misdirect negative attention by making up problems for other people. Like when people who love to booze got sick of being labeled alcoholics so they all chipped in loose change from their ashtrays and bought a study that showed that people who don’t drink daily are going to die by thirty from alien parasites or something. People who like coffee and chocolate and unprotected anal sex have all done the same. Now the fatty fats have gone on the offensive, challenging the healthiness of skinny people. Frances Chan is feeling the brunt of skinny shaming, which is not quite as bad as fat shaming since fat people have less energy to shame other people. All Frances wanted to be was a super cliche smart Asian student in the Ivy League. But, no, health officials at Yale threatened to expel her for being too not fat. She didn’t even need to wear leggings with oversized sweatshirts like her fellow students to cover up her Northeastern liberal arts college bulge. To prove the point that she was no anorexic, Frances quadrupled her daily caloric intake to a gross amount equalling nearly one Olive Garden meal. After a month of mass consumption, she had put on zero weight, proving that she was naturally skinny and quite healthy. The fat trolls had to squeeze back into their Oscar Meyer sponsored caverns and figure out a new strategy of destroying people who don’t see pie as one of the two major food groups along with even more pie. Fat people have scored some major wins over the past few years. Airline seat belt extensions, non-discrimination policies at all you can eat buffets, and Obamacare to pay for their new hearts and shopping mall electric scooters. But today was a victory for the girls whose bones you can hear creaking during sex and you have to keep asking if they’re okay. All hail the eerily skinny chicks. They shall be our salvation.
By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 4:53 PM
People don’t appreciate the fine art of multitasking until they see Rihanna able to smoke weed, get fitted for a new bluetooth wireless headset, and point her ass toward the cumulus formations all within the span of hours. Rihanna’s funky new feminist poses ought to serve as the new caricature female in all sixth grade sexual education classes. I remember seeing that drawing of a standing naked woman and wondering how the hell I get myself up in there. But this pose, even a lemur who grew up without a daddy could figure out the slotting. If Chris Brown could only see what he’s not slapping and calling ‘bitch’ since he got locked up, I bet he’d become a much nicer guy.
Photo credit: INFPhoto