Did Ariel Winter Have Her Tits Done And Shit Around The Web

By Michael February 01, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Ariel Winter just turned 18 last week and fans of giant tits celebrated accordingly. She said she got a reduction, then later recanted because who wants less gold in their bank? Still, there’s a scar. You figure it out.

I’d still like to motorboat those bad boys. (Drunken Stepfather)

Bella Hadid’s outfit is hella tight. (Last Men On Earth)

If you are a chubby chaser you’ll enjoy these topless Candice Huffine pics. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Nina Dobrev gets leid in Hawaii. (TMZ)

You could drive a truck through these thigh gaps. (The Chive)

But let me tell you about Sara Jean Underwood’s ass? (Hollywood Tuna)

Hilary Duff has a pretty serious camel toe in this pic. (Popoholic)

Bella Hadid May Not Survive Her Mother

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 11:11 AM

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Bella Hadid’s attention starved mom is tying her daughter up to IV’s for experimental lyme diseases therapies thrice a week. This on the advice of the elusive Dr. Bombay only she can see. The medical upside of the treatments is highly suspicious. The positive impact on mom’s reality show career is very real. Husband and stepdad David Foster got the fuck out of this crazy.

Life was simpler when the fading Barrymores handed their kids scotch and sodas at nine. Hadid just landed the cover of Elle magazine in Brazil and booked several major high end fashion campaigns. Let’s just assume the billion dollar businesses believe her illness is bullshit. I love you to death, darling. Thanks, mom, I know.

Photo Credit: Elle Brazil

Nausicaa in A Bikini

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 10:34 AM

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If you knew just how fucking cold it is in Malibu this week, you’d realize that this chick deserves a White Oscar for her performance. Glistening breasts and a big broad smile while your body diverts blood flow away from the extremities to the vital organs is Christian Bale type commitment. Next stop, Flint River for some sexy Siren in water shots. There are no OSHA inspections for titty models. Lead in My Cooter is a great title for a memoir.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Val Chmerkovskiy Mocks The Less Pretty

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 9:45 AM

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Sequined TV dancing master Val Chmerkovskiy is being sued by the parents of a fat girl mocked in a meme. The shorn dancer shared the meme on social media noting that this fat girl and her parents are everything wrong with America. Kind of leaving out the fact we don’t kill our closeted gay male dancers like in his home country.

It turns out the fat girl in the photo has Down Syndrome. People with Down Syndrome tend heavily toward obesity for about ten different really complicated anatomical and sociological reasons. Far more complicated than the single reason why you don’t make fun of kids with Down Syndrome. Or share memes because you find that the truths of the universe are generally found in quips written over photos of animals doing absolutely adorable human like things.

The photo of the girl was actually taken six years ago at a ball game by a photographer who unashamedly takes pictures of fat girls in public places to make defamatory memes. A refreshing change from the guys photographing young girls for masturbation material. It’s possible the parents are only suing now because a famous person with some means decided to repost it. The parents contacted the dancing douche who refused to remove it from his feed. You can’t expect an artist to so easily remove his art. Though, it’s not his. And it’s not art. Pretty solid odds this perfectly fit shiny fellow grew up a tormented fat kid.

For the most part, U.S. Internet laws says you’re allowed to make random fat girls with Down Syndrome cry as long as it’s not for profit. This is the only way we can compete with the Chinese. Save your legal fees and buy some candles and pray the gay Russian dancer gets The AIDS. God may not answer your prayers, but the heart wants what the heart wants and often that means bareback.

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Johnny Manziel Pours Heavy

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 9:00 AM

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Johnny Manziel was so incredibly not arrested. A distinction his remaining representatives and family counting on his NFL contract insist you note. He’s merely being investigated again for getting soused and punching his girlfriend. It was a Saturday night. Maybe a Thursday. Shit happens when you’re celebrating another successful season with the Cleveland Browns. Manziel could’ve had it all. Football hero. White football hero. The mansions. The models so hot they don’t get their menstrual cycle. Now it’s going to be a local Chevy dealership and two decades of rehab with an ex-wife named Cindy who’s always on your shit. Only the strong ones last long enough for the concussions.

Photo credit: ClevelandBrowns.com

Idiocy Laws Just Killing Blac Chyna

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 7:39 AM

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Blac Chyna’s first mistake was booking an L.A. to London flight with a connection in Austin. If you’re connecting through Austin, you probably can’t afford to go to London. Chyna got toasted on her layover and went Azealia Banks nasty to passengers and flight attendants on her stagger onto the airplane. Airport cops removed her from the aircraft before takeoff as a bunch of people who were about to be locked into a fuselage at 35,000 feet for ten hours with a sad on the inside drunk stoned whore broke into applause.

Blac Chyna had spent the previous week taunting the Kardashians with repeated social posts about housing Fat Rob Kardashian at her place where she was providing fitness motivation and sitting on his little weenie. It’s hard to imagine the scenario where that’s the upper hand. Fucking with the Kardashians isn’t a game for children. Did you ever take your eyes off your Mike’s Hard Lemonade at the airport? If it’s a nefarious scheme you’ve seen on a TV show before, it’s in Kris Jenner’s repertoire. Never go against the family.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

UPDATE Rob Kardashian drove twenty-six hours straight to Texas in his Bentley to pick up Blac Chyna. In case you weren’t sure they were fucking.

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SAG Awards Super Black

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 6:36 AM

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It’d be racist to call the SAG Awards super black, except every single black actor in the universe noted it themselves in speeches and via Twitter. Idris Elba won an award for being super good looking and black and declared ‘welcome to diverse TV’. Diverse being the code word for black, because Asians and Latinos didn’t get shit. One man’s diversity is another man’s gonna get some for myself.

The SAG awards were bound to have many more black actor winners because it covers television where there is a beyond general population mirroring percentage of minority actors. Not even including the Basketball Wives and Kardashian sex partners. SAG saw the broad brush cracker attack on The Motion Picture Academy and didn’t want any of that. Affirmative action and attempts to compensate for perceived or real past discrimination necessarily discriminates against another party. But fuck you. Ben Affleck’s great-great-grandfather owned slaves. White guys used to get Oscars just for having neatly groomed mustaches. You had your day. Leonardo DiCaprio feels guilty. Though he won again. Save more elephants in Africa and fuck more women in St. Bart’s. Equality now.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kanye West Deep Into Ass Gate

By Lex January 29, 2016 @ 1:08 PM

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Kanye West took to Twitter to deny he likes fingers shoved up his rectum during sex and while listening to his Jim Nabors records. In a calm and reason manner het let his fans know about his traditional values. He stays away from that ass area altogether. He went so far as elective surgery on a colostomy bag just so he could avoid shitting. Doctors check his prostate through a special flap on his right hip near his football playing injuries. He’s so not into ass it’s almost comical. Almost.

It’s tough to know whether to believe Kanye who talks and acts and has a reputation for freaky bedroom behavior in in knee high calf skin boots. Or the word of his angry street whore ex-girlfriend who uses her sexual encounters with Kanye as the top three accomplishments on her LinkedIn profile. The classic conundrum. Asking a man how long he’s been beating his wife is a leading question. Asking Kanye how long he’s been beating off while his lady friends go ten ben-wa balls deep into his shitter is simply not your business. He’ll let you know when he’s ready. Read your LGBTQUIYA literature. Is that a Gucci butt plug on your nightstand? I’m asking for a friend.