By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 10:46 AM
Being seventeen and blowing a .14 at 4:00am is not a good set of numbers. Naturally, this teen model kid of the Real Housewives chick couldn’t have been driving in the first place since her license was previously suspended. A suspended license renders all your combustion engine options toit, like an electro-magnetic pulse blast. Just like having no license at all, or no insurance, or being geographically confused which is the new term the L.A. Times is using for illegals. I don’t blame any kid whose mom is one of these reality TV mutton heads for drinking heavily. I drank as a teen simply because I couldn’t get laid. I’m guessing Bella Hadid has no problem getting laid. But having self-absorbed shitty parents is probably just as bad, for girls.
Look, sweetheart. Drink, have unprotected sex with older men who seem to understand you, ride the waves in Malibu at midnight on ecstasy. I get that you can have a Range Rover and still be unhappy. Just call Uber and tell them your mom’s a reality whore. They’ll come for you wherever you are. If you kill somebody drunk driving, then you’ll be the asshole you’re drinking to forget.
Photo Credit: Bella Hadid/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Lea Michele continues to honor the one year anniversary of Dead Cory Monteith by boning the living shit out of her male escort boyfriend. Nobody blames Lea for finding comfort in the bulging biceps of a hunky prostitute. Who hasn’t? You can’t dwell forever on the list of men who’ve offed themselves to rid their craniums of your shrill tones. That would be a life filled with regret. If you listened carefully to Lea’s last album, you know that mourning and riding professional turgid cock are not mutually exclusive. Don’t make me quote Cannonball. I’ll sob like a girl child.
Photo Credit: Lea Michele/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 8:35 AM
Paulina Porizkova is some miracle of modern science. She’s the Dennis Quaid of chicks. I don’t think she’s shooting Human Growth Hormones into her eye sockets like Dennis and Sean Penn at their ghoulish cocoon swim parties. It’s just genetics. I wish I could build a time machine to go back to 1984 and masturbate over her teen photos in Sports Illustrated. When I was there I’d parlay a bet that Keith Richards would still be alive in 2014 and that the young governor of Arkansas’ dowdy wife would become the first female President. There’s no reason you can’t take a break from masturbating to plan for your future.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 22, 2014 @ 6:47 AM
A new book being released about the Clintons claims Bill has a new mistress. I guess she’s replaced the former mistresses who in turn replaced the interns Bill would ream in the Lincoln Bedroom while Linda Bloodworth-Thomason fingered her pudgy crotch in the corner. Bill’s Secret Service detail has nicknamed the new girl ‘Energizer’ in reference to her nonstop fucking abilities. The book has all the super secret classified details:
“It was a warm day, and she was wearing a low cut tank top, and as she leaned over, her breasts were very exposed. They appeared to be very perky and very new and full…There was no doubt in my mind they were enhanced.”
The unnamed agents claim the chick shows up pretty much any time Hillary leaves the couple’s Westchester mansion to travel to sweaty Emmanuelle destinations with Anthony Weiner’s wife. Fifteen years on I think we’ve finally reached the point where nobody blames Bill for requiring the company of women not in gunt-minimizing pantsuits. At some point, even the most ardent teetotaler hands the alcoholic a bottle so he can get some sleep.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Who can forget where they were when they heard Aubrey O’Day had left Danity Kane? Aubrey didn’t quit so much as Sean Combs fired her for having vagina lust. Aubrey showed them all by growing her totally natural breasts two cup sizes entirely through the power of prayer. She then released a solo album that got solid airplay on Channel 7 Contemporary on United Airlines headset radio. The Danity Kane girls have reunited a few times before, but never for such a major gig as an off-strip Vegas hotel pool party. It wasn’t quite as awkward the KISS reunion at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when Peter Criss announced Gene Simmons yiddish curses had given him breast cancer. But it was super close. For ten seconds everybody stopped looking at Aubrey’s tits . Had it gone eleven seconds, the universe would’ve fractured and Ike Turner would’ve been re-born and beat the crap out of everybody. That’s why I hate reunions.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 3:22 PM
Alessandra Ambrosio was back in her native Brazil portraying a street whore sucking on a lollipop. At some point we’ll see Hillary Clinton pushing this same pose in her continuing ‘I’m just like you’ common woman image rebuild. For Alessandra, she’s playing on one of the archetypal characters in Brazilian lore. The saucy Rio street walker. She’s like our Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to free and I will steal their kidneys while they’re unconscious in the motel that Gustavo supervises. That’s a loose translation.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.
Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.
With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.