Indianara Carvalho Ass Crowned

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 10:23 AM

Indianara Carvalho Is Crowned As Miss Butt Brazil
There is no higher achievement in Brazil than winning a best ass title. It’s the equivalent of winning a spelling bee at an H1-B visa heavy grade school in the Silicon Valley. You’re not eating the burnt part of the naan that night, my friend. This chick just won the Bumbum Brazil contest, an annual event they now run once a week in Rio if they can find a beer sponsor to put in more than $500. Like past winners, Indianara Carvalho won three sandwiches, a hoist over the wall, and a ten minute head start before armed adventure tourists were allowed to start tracking her. Ah, Brazil. The tuchus of the Americas.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kim Kardashian In a Body Condom in Australia

By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 9:30 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears Busty Pink Latex Dress For Her Fragrance Launch
Soft-brained people on all continents are buying up hundreds of millions of dollar worth of celebrity perfume. I’ve never in my entire life wanted to smell like anybody else. I’ve occasionally witnessed adult content where I’ve thought packing a dick the size of a viking broad sword might be kind of groovy, but I never wanted to arrive at a venue and smile confidently as people told me I reeked of beef sweat and Caverject. Women delve into the single white female mimic fantasy far deeper. Buying into the products of a borderline moronic midget squeezed so tightly in latex her herpes sores were oozing beneath her gown. If it makes you feel good, fuck it, buy it, spritz it, and sit on your couch chunking nutella until your fabulous life arrives. Kim wins, you lose, but who is really the winner? Nope, still Kim.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Stephen A. Smith Is Stepping Off

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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Last season’s NBA Rookie of the Year Michael Carter Williams wrote a post for The Player’s Tribune, a website started by Derek Jeter so athletes can promote themselves and discuss over the counter herpes breakout medication options. Williams took offense with Stephen A Smith, just like everyone else who has ever heard Stephen A. Smith. The source of Williams’ beef is unclear but is most likely derived from the fact that Smith is a villainous puppet from one of those Muppet movies:

“That’s how Stephen A. Smith ends up in our locker room with a big smile on his face. I’m not picking on him. I know he’s playing a character.”

Smith responded sanctimoniously and with false confidence, which is a habit he has no doubt learned from starting several failed megachurches:

“You damn sure ain’t going to have the last word over me. I’m not going to start problems, but I can damn sure finish them. If these guys want to come at me, let them do it at their own peril. It will be a mistake.”

We finally have professional athletes expressing themselves through words and the journalist in the suit and tie is now challenging him to a street brawl. Nobody wants to come after you, Stephen A. Smith. The thought of your high pitched explanations of the Marquess of Queensberry rules is insufferable. Being a fan of professional sports is a very fine line. It’s a charade where we all bury our heads and pretend the the devotion is worthwhile and the players are admirable gladiators. Just blindly promote it like the rest of ESPN or move aside and quit ruining our weekends.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Kendall Jenner Needs Quiet

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 8:02 AM

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Kendall Jenner went on Nightline because that program sucks now and your vote doesn’t count. She explained how she told her sister Kim Kardashian not to attend her fashion shows because it was a distraction from her artistic expression of showing some aureola in an overpriced fashion label tragedy marketed to dumb losers and alimony receiving cunts:

“I think that if my sister was sitting front row, and my sister is who she is, I know this sounds kind of weird, but it almost would have almost taken the attention away from what I’m trying to do on my own.”

Surely people recognize Kim’s rectum from her porno but I don’t quite understand how that effects your ability to prance around in heels. You’re not removing a parasitic twin from its host and it’s not that complicated. Your sister’s legendary saloon whoring shouldn’t have any baring on your ability to serve cocktails. How about showing a little gratitutde. If Kim Kardashian hadn’t taken so many famous black men for the team, nobody would even know your name. Bend over and cough.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tila Tequila Reproduces

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

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Turns out, Tila Tequila is still alive. She’s also reproducing. She posted on her blog that she gave birth to a baby girl, which really irritated the general public who by and large assumed she was either dead in a Gainesville motel or well on her way to being dead in a Gainesville motel. Vexing to know that cliche about only the good dying young is actually almost entirely true. In the last couple of years Tila has starved herself down to less than her birth weight, launched herself out of a first floor window, written love poems to Hitler, and produced another porn posing as a celebrity sex tape. It’s amazing she found the time to break into a sperm bank and baste the entire contents of cold storage drawer #7 into her twat. Her baby daddy is one of eighty-seven possible street grifters who sold their spunk to pay for Chipotle. If God is looking down upon this infant, she’ll be abandoned in a Burger King bathroom like that chick in Pennsylvania, raised by a foster family, and not even realize who her real mother is until she’s forty and visits her for the first time in the Old Vietnamese Whores Home.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Dwight Howard Belts His Kid

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

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Dwight Howard was cleared of child abuse allegations in Florida where it remains nearly impossible to convict anybody of anything. Howard admitted to hitting his kid with a belt because that’s how he grew up and everyone knows however you grew up is veritable stamp of approval. Authorities determined there wasn’t enough evidence to bother taking on Dwight Howard’s really fucking awesome snowbird attorneys, despite some alarming reports from the investigating doctor:

“Braylon [has] a linear bruise and patterned abrasions consistent with the history given by Braylon of being struck with a belt numerous times by his father. The injuries were “consistent with Braylon being struck with the buckle end of the belt … with excessive force, resulting in soft tissue injuries such as bruising and abrasions.”

Braylon is six. Howard’s reps claim the issue is being pressed by Howard’s disgruntled baby mama who is just being malicious because that’s sort of the mandatory role of scorned pro athlete baby mamas. She later recanted her statement when Howard pulled off his belt and reminded her the strap isn’t just for kids. That’s just how he grew up.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Whores Remain Unethical

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

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Former NBA player Joe Smith is pissed his reality show girlfriend is not being prosecuted for stealing his money. Law enforcement just got together and agreed dipshits who date chicks on VH-1 deserve what they get. Just be grateful she didn’t shiv your balls off while you were sleeping. Moniece Slaughter, whose dad lost a bet when he named her, wrote over $100,000 dollars in bogus Joe Smith checks to some stranger who cashed them. One would think this would be sufficient evidence for prosecution but the police aren’t doing anything because the problems of rich ballers leave them feeling nothing. Though do look for cops to obtain a search warrant so they can check out the nude selfies on Slaughter’s phone. Smith should be grateful he’s escaping with part of his dignity. Odds he still taps it occasionally remain higher than his free throw percentage.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Victoria Silvstedt in a Bikini

By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 12:42 PM

Victoria Silvstedt Wears A Pink Bikini In Miami
Victoria Silvstedt has been missing from public view since her immersion in a stasis tank filled with hep-c blockers and finely shredded paper currencies from the G8 nations. The murky colloid allows her skin to be rejuvenated and her lips and breasts to be re-inflated to specs customized from survey responses of wealthy benefactors around the globe. The result is another twelve months of free rent and enormous tubes that cast no known shadow.

Photo Credit: Splash