Fat Shaming Has a Process

By Lex April 14, 2015 @ 9:13 AM

Pink-at-Cancer-Charity-Ball

Step one. Get fat. Nobody’s fat shaming Giuliana Rancic (see: anorexia shaming). You’re going to need at least a working muffin top. Step two. Get out in public and on social media and let everybody see those truck drive arms. Now,  sit back and await the body shaming from dudes in their drawers stroking one out to their zings. This won’t take long if you’ve got some decent up-jowl shots. Give the sad emoji cycle about twenty-four hours before your comeback about not caring what the haters think. The increasingly hefty Pink chose this:

Willow said to me the other day whilst grabbing my belly-’mama-why r u so squishy?’ And I said..’b/cuz I’m happy baby,’” And my hubby says ‘it’s just more to love baby’ (and then I smack his hand off my booty cause we’re in a supermarket).”

Nailed it. Kids love fat moms. And if you’re husband is a chubby chaser, down those Hydrox like they’re only $2.99 a pound, because they are. The dudes who have to hoist your stage harness may differ, but fuck them if they don’t like your squishy. Pink followed with a brief lecture about her support for cancer charities and how sad it is that people had to focus on how fat she looked in her dress. Now who feels shamed? You didn’t see that coming.

The final step involves hyperbolized kudos from commenters and mommy bloggers and overweight people everywhere who pen endless notes about how brave and bold and smart you are for sticking it to the shamers. The process is complete. You could lay off the stress eating and eliminate the need for this vapid assembly line of emote and counter-emote on social media. But these inane opinion cycles are the After School Specials of 2015. The kids need to learn how important it is to feel good about yourself even for the simple accomplishment of getting fat.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Tori Spelling Grilled

By Lex April 14, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

Tori-Spelling-Instagram-at-Benihana

It’s hard to know what’s real about Tori Spelling. The ambitious but untalented souls who sell their lives into these reality show purposefully blur the line between fact and fiction. Who knows if her husband even banged some dward chick in Canada. Might be made up. Maybe she’s broke, maybe she’s got three million in her right front pocket. It’s all smoke and mirrors and chest cleft. There’s only one thing in this world you can count on as fact, the grill at Benihana is super fucking hot. You can’t fake the sizzle. Tori Spelling took an Easter tumble in the Benihana in Encino and landed forearm first on the smoking hot grill. Four sales guys from a Des Moines machine parts company started reflexively applauding. Those fuckers are in every Benihana. Tori was whisked to the hospital for skin grafts and a roots bleach.

Since everybody is going to ask, the baby in the photo is fine. Tori was fortunate he was there to help break her fall. He was only mildly concussed. Doctors say he likely won’t remember the incident though he may cower dramatically during the Dolphin Discovery show at Seaworld.

Photo credit: Tori Spelling/Instagram

Charlie Riina Bikini Doesn’t Fit

By Lex April 14, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

Charlie Riina Nipple Peek In Golden Bikini
Charlie Riina’s nipples make me feel good about America. Some day blonde haired chicks with big ole fake titties falling out of bikinis won’t dominate the collective world dick, but not today. You can’t get this high level shit on the streets of Beijing. Let the politically correct domestics run amok and the foreign terrorists issue their fatwas, we stand united behind the glorious bombshells of god damn America.

Update: This chick’s from Canada. Bury your valuables.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Coachella Attracts The Winners

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

EATRAPE

This anonymous trust fund baby showed up at Coachella wearing a shirt that says “Eat, Sleep, Rape, Repeat.” I’d say this is a cause for concern given the amount of inebriated half naked chicks passed out in tents or talking to God through a ficus. I totally believe in free speech and this dude should be able to wear whatever he wants. You should also be free to pop him in the face. All told I’d keep an eye on him. Only an overcompensating pussy would want to attract this much negative attention. I’d say pussies are more prone to raping than just about any other demo outside of Southern janitor. Can you yell fire in a crowded movie theater? I’ve never tried it but it sounds fun. You should be able to joke about rape. I’m not seeing the joke here beyond this pudgy cunt and his three inch pecker. Someone push him into some mud and then point and laugh. He’ll be vindicated. Where’s my feminist award, sisters of the crying shame?

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Dina Lohan Hawking Lindsay’s Shit

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

LL

Lindsay Lohan’s white trash mother Dina is selling a bunch of her daughter’s possessions online. The stuff, including furniture, clothing, and zero books, was moved into Dinah’s house for the filming of some Oprah segments which were so authentic they circled back into being fake. Dina reportedly thinks anything left at her house is legally hers, including people’s cars when they park them in the driveway during social visits. Lindsay is trying to get her fake friends to go to the house and pick up the stuff but they’re busy getting anal bleachings and laying on couches wondering why their buttholes sting. Lindsay says if this doesn’t stop she’ll have to call the police who will find baggies of crack in her childhood chest of drawers and issue a warrant. Personally, I could use a a new nightstand. If Valtrex is good past the expiration date, throw in thirty. I dated an exotic girl in college. I’m short on cash but how about I bring you a bottle of banana rum and coupon for a guy who does clit piercings. Let’s dance, devil.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Drake Repulsed By Old Woman’s Tongue (VIDEO)

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

DR

Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretch and talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he’s being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she’s a pro wrestler and walks off stage with her old lady buns hanging out of her stripper attire. Drake’s public relations people are now spinning that he was just grossed out by her lipstick and not being involuntarily tongue jabbed by someone older than his mom but not as good looking. When dudes are repulsed by you making out with them it’s time to hang up the Road Warrior lingerie. You just ruined Coachella’s trending popular line graph. Bake a pie and call it a day.

Cool Rapper Bashes Kendall Jenner

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

KJK

I don’t know who Tyler The Creator is but I just joined his fan club. Don’t ruin it by sending me any clips of his music. Tyler took the stage at Coachella and started talking shit to the posers with their selfie sticks and custom hippy garb in the VIP section and singled out Kendall Jenner because it’s fun to watch stupid people relish the attention of being insulted. Especially if they’re too self absorbed to know you aren’t joking. Tyler eloquently dropped the following tirade:

“Y’all the niggas that got money and paid extra. Fuck all y’all, y’all boring. Everybody that’s in the real crowd, though, I fuck with y’all. Y’all gonna have a good time. These motherfuckers too cool. Kendall Jenner here thinking she cute and shit. Hey, Kendall, Kendall, Kendall, I’m over here to your right, fuck you.”

I think we know where he stands on this. Jenner shared a photo of herself being ripped a third asshole with all the humility of Ted Bundy jerking himself off in front of a jury. She posted several additional comments about how much she liked the show because her family doesn’t grasp the concept of negative attention. Go ahead and key her Range Rover. Hashtag RappersLikeMe.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Nobody’s Prayers Have Been Answered

By Matt April 14, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Clarl,

Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo will be reprising their roles from the popular series of Vacation movies which came out before cell phones were invented and everybody figured they’d die from The AIDS or The Bomb so laughs came cheap. Chevy Chase has put on a few pounds since the original. Ed Helms and Christina Aguilera will be joining the cast and they’ll really pop off the screen when you purchase this On Demand at 2 am when you’re shit faced and black out half way through. Two weeks later your girlfriend will suggest you watch it and you’ll have to suffer through it a second time with a vague recollection that it sucks and none of the women get naked like they did in the 80′s. At least you can predict the plot. It’s hard to find any positives here but I’m pretty sure the crew will be refusing to eat lunch with Chevy. Hollywood used to have big ideas. Now they big actors in sequels. If you pay for Paul Blart 2, you’re part of the problem.

Photo Credit: WarnerBros.com