Lindsay Lohan Distorted

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM


Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself shopped to look like a Barbie Doll and pretended nothing was up. She got herself down to her natural waist size, when she was eight and couldn’t eat because dad was beating mom so severely she wanted to save her food money for future booze. She claimed she was posting the photo to show she’s living fine with her new tropical virus. Or that’s what the virus wants the world to believe. You can Photoshop things on your phone now. Just not convincingly. Whatever people claim, McDonalds isn’t that terrible. However a medium Dr. Pepper is plenty. Don’t get plastered and go there overly confident. This is what happens. I definitely still would.

Photo credit: Instragram

Richard Simmons Is Still Alive

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:02 AM


Richard Simmons is supposedly not dead. Someone called the police to report he is being elderly abused at the hands of a grizzly bear. It’s called party time and his safe word is kale. Whatever the spurned lover’s motivation, Simmons is doing fine although he is unfortunately still Richard Simmons. I’m so glad I didn’t spend my whole life Jazzercising. Turns out you’re miserable in the end anyway. May as well have a drink in your hand. He will be missed.

Kanye West Is Humbled

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


Some autistic guy approached Kanye West and asked him to sign a photo of Kim Kardashian which had his crusted jizz on it. Embarrassingly enough the photo was from one of her weddings which got poor ratings and West refused to sign it. It’s a precarious situation. Nobody likes to think about Kris Humphries banging your wife or even playing basketball. If it’s any consolation they probably never fucked anyways. Normally I’d find this situation awkward. You don’t want to think about the other dicks your wife has had in her. It averages between 7.5 and 402 but Kim’s obviously higher on the curve. When there’s an easily accessible video of your lovely bride being bent over in good lighting it must be all the more difficult. If his marriage is real he should down some pills and finally pull the trigger.

Photo Credit: 

Carl’s Junior Chick Gets It (VIDEO)

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

The chick whose tits are made of waterbeds got liquored up and made me fall in love with her again. She says she actually eats at Carl’s Jr. but I’m willing to believe she’s a sexy liar. Whatever works. I’m not paying attention just turn the fan on. To be beautiful and mildly retarded must be fantastic. I’ve only experienced half of it but it’s not terrible. That All Natural burger sounds pretty good. God I would take her ass to Wendy’s. Read to your kids.

Video Credit: TMZ

Taylor Swift Is Good Wool

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Taylor Swift is on vacation in Maui with three reasonably hot chicks that she paid to come along with so she’d look normal. I really thought this only happened in the movies. It’s not clear at which point some grizzly guy with a machete will start offing them one by one once they accidentally stumble into a cave. I hope they can avoid the situation but the stats don’t lie. God I bet they tried those bathing suits on in front of each other whilst giggling. Swift obviously told the girls they’d have to share the suite because it was the last room in the house before breaking out the black Sharpie. That faked phone call is getting me all hot and bothered. It’s the slow season. These young women are thirty margaritas and a Skinemax away from the best thing that’s ever happened to them. How much are tickets, it’s worth a shot in the dark. What happens in Maui stays in the 808. Spread ‘em.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

J-Lo Relates

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:

“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”

Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.

Photo Credit: Facebook 


Emily Ratajkowski Understands Instagram

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 2:06 PM

Emily Ratajkowski Has A Good Instagram
This actress turned nude model turned actress with suddenly much better roles knows exactly how to play the game. Play the topless dancer in the song Robin Thicke borrowed from Marvin Gaye. Take a bath on Instagram. Be the Fappening chick who frigs herself so furiously that nearby tinder ignites. Let your vagina dance like nobody’s watching. You shall be our queen.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Taylor Swift Sells Incredible Things

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 1:00 PM

Stills From Taylor Swifts Fragrance Commercial Incredible Things
Taylor Swift has a new fragrance. As you can imagine, it’s just as irrepressibly fresh and flirty and fun as she is. With just a hint of cat pee and Sara Lee cheesecake bites to remind you of your own special destiny. It’s also based on her favorite watercolor hues and a bunch of other things that actually aren’t related to smell unless you’re tripping pretty hard.

The fragrances before this represented love. This fragrance represents life.
– Taylor Swift making shut up about her new perfume.

That seems like a heavy burden for a bunch of aromas concocted in a factory just north of Elko. I wouldn’t expect my scented Mitchum roll-on to represent life or friendship. Maybe just justice or fair trade or something do-able. Taylor Swift isn’t just a transformative music artist, she’s a brand who is going to suck the ever living soul out of your parent’s pocketbook. Because she can. And deep down, you want her too.

Photo Credit: Taylor Swift “Incredible Things”