Candice Swanepoel In Lingerie

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 1:48 PM

Candice Swanepoel Lingerie Hotness
There’s something comforting about Victoria’s Secret models in their underwear. The world is spinning out of control. We battle over the use of words rather than the worth of ideas. That androgynous seven year old next door has more rights than you even though you’ll someday be paying for its food and awkward Fedoras. Shit is circling the drain while leaders wear rainbow shawls and dance on the graves of twenty million former middle class jobs. But those genetically blessed girls pushing the South Asian slave trade panties, they ground us in the boundaries of human nature. While all systems are failing, that twitch in your cock reminds you that you’ll get to pass this shit can onto somebody else and make it their fucking problem. In the meantime, try to find your girlfriend sexy in boxers. Have another beer, she doesn’t look that much like your brother.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Rose McGowan Sick of Sexism, Now That It’s No Longer Helpful

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 12:55 PM

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Rose McGowan claims her talent agency fired her for ranting about a casting note to wear a tight tank top with push-up bra for an audition for the role of woman in tank top and push-up bra. Rose had to disparage and share the sexist wardrobe note on her social media to mark her transition from using her tits to get work to complaining about it. Also to conveniently dismiss how male actors routinely have to hit the gym to have rock hard abs in their roles. Mark Wahlberg has had more strangers touching him than an adorable ten year old with a Neverland annual pass.

The role was in an Adam Sandler movie and when Rose called out Adam Sandler in particular, her reps decided it was time to cut bait. Adam Sandler is a very shitty actor who makes very shitty movies that make more money than Rose McGowan’s sycophantic feminist Twitter posts it turns out.

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Yes, I realize Rose McGowan is wearing a skin tight tank top on Andy Cohen’s show to bitch about the wardrobe note. Never tell a woman with nice tits she’s a hypocrite. She might not let you touch them. #MyTitsMyChoice

Lena Dunham Makes It About Her And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 26, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Lena Dunham is pressuring her mongoloid boyfriend Jack Antonoff to marry her now that there is marriage equality throughout the land. I’d jump that train while you have the chance. This caboose has traction.

Read all about Lena’s latest narcissitic tantrum. (Huffington Post)

Kaili Thorne in a teeny tiny string bikini. (Egotastic)

Bristol Palin is, once again, preggers outside of marriage, #blessed. (TMZ)

Bar Refaeli’s tits are spectacular in these bikini pics. (Drunken Stepfather)

This is Amanda Gullickson and these are her yabbos. (Hollywood Tuna)

Amber Heard doesn’t need a bra, y’all. (Popoholic)

Mirror, mirror on the wall who has the biggest tits of all. (The Chive)

Samantha Hoopes Sells Magic Mike XXL

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 11:41 AM

Samantha Hoopes Magic Mike XXL Premiere
Going to see Magic Mike doesn’t make you gay. Going to see Magic Mike and insisting it’ll make your girlfriend happy and you’ll get laid, that’s gay. The confident heterosexual male never insists. The Marlboro man never had to declare that he liked to end his ride on the range with a smoke and some pussy. Ask David Spade if he’s banged over two hundred models and he’ll laugh and call it a rumor. Then he’ll smell his fingers and remember them all, sorted by hair color and lawsuit. This is the age of gender fluidity. You can still be my friend, but I’m picking you last in paintball. Stereotyping is how I win trophies.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Gay Marriage Already Boring Too

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 9:49 AM

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The Supreme Court ruled this morning that same sex couples can now betroth and be penalized equally by the IRS for filing as a married couple. Nobody bothered to ask why any two randy kids in love in this country require a license from the government to formalize their romance in the first place. But it’s easier to fight for we all get permission slips than none of us should need one.

The SCOTUS decisions represents a major win for swath of the American population determined to have equal access to one of the most confounding and painful institutions ever artificially promoted by Tom Hanks rom-coms. One day those robed geezers will rule on unbundling cable television services and I too will feel Lady Justice quivering atop my cock. Until that time, just smile and nod and realize you have a bunch of weddings to attend in the future where there will be no bridesmaids to fuck. I think your rainbow colored flag is upside down. Oh, I didn’t know it meant that. Doesn’t that hurt?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Trump Loses Chilean Hunk

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

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The uncomfortably handsome Chilean actor set to host Donald Trump’s owned Miss USA pageant has pulled out because Trump called Mexican immigrants murderous raping drug dealers who smell like bad tacos. Cristian de la Fuente even made a selfie video of his disdain for Trump, because that’s what you do when you’re angry and can make women cum with just your three-day facial hair.

Mr. Trump, as a Latino, I cannot work in an event associated with your name. The statements you made against Mexicans and immigrants show that you are an ignorant. It is unacceptable to launch your presidential candidacy creating a rhetoric of hatred and discrimination in calling Mexicans drug dealers and rapists. It is a shame that such an important institution as Miss USA is in the hands of a clown.

Oh, man, you had me until that last part. Also, clown seems kind of rough when he only said you fuck your mothers and sell your sisters to drunken sailers for tortilla money.

People who support Trump say he’s an honest speaker. Which means he’s an asshole. Also, he has no chance of winning. Spanish language network Univision also announced its dropping coverage of Trump’s Miss USA pageant for his dirty spics off the cuff remark. Trump has threatened to sue Univision for hundreds of millions for breach of contract even though everybody is certain that if the Miss USA pageant doesn’t air nobody but the handsy stepdads of the contestants would even notice.

Trump has since backed off his original comments with numerous odes to the natural splendor of our neighbor to the South and testimonials from his Mexican domestic staff about how Señor Trump’s beatings are always merited. Week one seems to be going smoothly.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Chelsea Handler Seems Bored

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 8:18 AM

Chelsea Handler Sharing Teats on Twitter

Not so long ago Chelsea Handler accepted Hollywood senior executive penis into her private parts and earned a TV talk show. Now she’s flashing tits and can’t even book an Internet gig. Fading beauty seems like an unsupported premise. Handler will likely tell you this is all just a silly joke, unless you got a lead for her, then maybe it’s not. I know there’s no ‘i’ in the word cumdumpster. Why do you ask?

Warren Sapp Bad At Vegas

By Matt June 26, 2015 @ 7:49 AM

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Warren Sapp has been charged with three counts of domestic violence stemming from a Vegas incident where he bit and stepped on the head of his longtime girlfriend Chalyce Moore, no relation to the popular bar ware. The incident happened on April 28th, long after Sapp was popped for trying to nickel and dime two crack whores. It’s unclear which of the two is more angry Sapp no longer has a job as a result. Moore sustained minor injuries including a bruised hip, a lacerated finger when Sapp bit her, and an imprint of his shoe on her temple. Nothing a vice grip and a little elbow grease couldn’t accomplish. Cops say they have video of the footage but for reasons unknown had to wrestle it out of the hands of Roger Goodell’s trash compactor. If convicted Sapp could face up to 18 months in prison. It’s unclear when the couple will resume their romance. Follow the money.

Photo Credit: Instagram.com