Ashley Greene Condo Fire Case Cracked

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Greene

After Ashley Greene’s condo burned down last year someone found a crack pipe in it, according to her building manager Adrian Mayorga. Apart from spreading sensationalized rumors about her, Mayorga is suing Greene for respiratory damage he incurred while huffing smoke from the flames. He is also insinuating Greene and the other two people in the place being fucked up could have led to the fire, since after they evacuated they looked:

“Disoriented … they looked like they were drunk or under the influence of something.”

Usually a raging fire that destroys an entire condo in the middle of the night can lead you to appear disoriented, whether you are planning to attend church in the morning or rack lines with Charlie Sheen. Mayorga’s money grab may or may not succeed. It’s not illegal to own a glass pipe if you use it for non-crack purposes like just pretending to be a crack pipe smoker for Halloween. Greene will no doubt have to pay out some money, but that’s part of the deal when you have deep pockets and you let a candle catch your curtains on fire like a fucking nitwit. This isn’t a homestead in late nineteenth century Dakota territories, its a condo in LA. Dim the lights, Twilight moron.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kat Von D Seems Guilty (VIDEO)

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Kat Von D flipped out on paparazzi filming a fire at her tattoo parlor and reality television set. Clearly Von D values her privacy and personal space, unless there is a appearance contract and merchandising deal involved, at which point you’re free to watch her drop a deuce into a seat-less toilet and spit out staged dialog borrowed from Ice Road Truckers.

Von D’s entire house burned to the ground a few years back. Most people go their whole lives without pulling a fire alarm outside of a high school prank. This chick can’t seem to keep a structure standing. As an entrepreneur Von D is financially savvy. I wonder if that passion extends to the insurance business. Maybe that’s why she wants to keep this under wraps. Gone are the days when someone can let their commercial property and reality television set burn to the ground on the down low. It’s tough out there in this new digital world, where your fairly transparent motivations are visible not only to the prying eyes of the public, but also the arson unit and your insurance carrier.

Mostly I just want to know how a brooding tattoo artist in a cape gets a twelve person posse. Von D scolds the paparazzi that they should be ashamed of themselves for their chosen professions. What about the assistant to your assistant bag holder? I’d rather tell my mom I film celebrities torching their workshops for cash than I’m the backup tampon guy for Kat Von D.

Draya Michele Orchestrates Sex Crime

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 6:05 AM

Michele

Jennifer Lawrence may have had a point when she called the release of her nude photos a sex crime. That would make Basketball Wives star and professional whore monger who was never married to a basketball player, Draya Michele, a soon to be felon. Her ex boyfriend is suing to recover a sex video they made because he is concerned Draya will publicly release it. In fact it’s being shopped around to various companies who specialize in pretending they aren’t professional porn distributors. I plan to watch the video and feel extremely violated on behalf of all men, mostly just to enhance my orgasm. This sex crazed society has led horny dudes to be exploited as nothing more than pieces of meat while they bang hot sluts. They can use our bodies but they can never take our freedom. Man jihad, let’s do this.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Stephen Collins Problems And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 24, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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7th Heaven dad and kiddie fiddler Stephen Collins is whining to anyone who will listen that he can’t get any work. You know, because he likes to wave his willy in front of kids. Pobrecito.

He’s got 99 problems and being a child molester is a big one. (The Superficial)

Tori Spelling has lost her ever loving shit. (TMZ)

Hailey Clauson has some tig ‘ol biddies, y’all. (Hollywood Tuna)

That Glee show sucks balls but Naya Rivera’s tits are splendid. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio makes me want to workout my wrist in this sportswear. (Popoholic)

Joanna Krupa and Peta Murgatroyd wear see-through clothes and it’s good. (COED)

They had to reshoot Fifty Shades of Grey sex scenes to better get bored housewives off. (Dlisted)

Eva Marcille Politely Requests You Stare at Her Tits

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

Eva Marcille Reveals Boob As She Attends Premiere For Sister Code
I like when actresses I don’t know show off their tits on the red carpet. It forces me into journalst mode though I have no formal training or I formal clue in that regard. Who is this woman? What has she been in? What are her dreams and hopes and aspirations. That seems like a lot of work merely to justify hoping her breasts fall out of her top. You do it.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Taylor Swift Shakes It All Off

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Bra And Leggings While Performing On Jimmy Kimmel Live
People got kind of pissed last night when Hollywood Boulevard got shut down for a Taylor Swift outdoor pop performance for Jimmy Kimmel. Even the ex-con costumed characters agreed to stop fighting over turf and come together in their hatred toward Taylor Swift for crapping out their unlicensed panhandling for an evening. In your face pedo-Chewbacca, according to Taylor Swift, her music and her muse is currently all about telling the haters that they can’t touch her or the camel toe she was flashing:

“You know what? If you’re upset and irritated that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more, and I’m having more fun than you so it doesn’t matter.”

I’m pretty sure she borrowed eloquence from Dr. King on that one. Taylor’s ‘I don’t care’ attitude is an evolution from her ‘why is everybody picking on me’ doctrine of previous years. It signals she’s made the leap from grammar school to middle school thinking which should please her developmental therapist. As for me, I just like when the music stops and the bad people and their traffic go away.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/AKM-GSI

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear Super Well

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:58 AM

Stella Maxwell Wears Underwear For Urban Outfitters
This chick seems to be getting a lot of jobs. Probably all those IT certifications on her resume. Maybe her perfectly tight ass which says to the world, I don’t need no fucking IT certifications. I’ll find a guy to set up my email. Good for you, sweetheart. The biggest mistake people make in life is wasted effort.

Photo Credit: Urban Outfitters

Ebola Takes Manhattan

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:36 AM

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New York has Ebola. Wonderful. Now the rest of us get to hear about how New York Ebola is better than Ebola everywhere else. Dr. Craig Spencer traveled to Guinea last month to help patients with Ebola. Medical workers and family members throwing themselves onto the rotting corpses of their Ebola stricken loved ones represent by far the single highest risk category for Ebola contagion. But Dr. Spencer wanted to get back home to shtup the fiancee, cough on people in the subway, and go bowling with the boys in Brooklyn. They’re all shut down or quarantined now since Spencer was hauled off by plastic wrapped EMTs with a 103 degree fever and that water that makes everything in New York just taste better shooting out of his ass.

The Mayor of New York, his lesbian wife, whichever Cuomo is now Governor, and the new Ebola Czar got right on this situation by pretending to make important phone calls, mostly to one another. Obama vowed to cut back on U.S. funding for radio commercials in Western Africa encouraging people with bleeding eyes and calamitous diarrhea to visit America where the toilet paper makes your Ebola ass feel like a king.

I’m not sure why high-risk travelers feel it’s a groovy idea to re-enter the U.S. while potentially infected. According to Doctors Without Borders, they have all their West African returning physicians test themselves daily for any signs of the virus. Don’t they have rectal thermometers and Day Planners back in Africa? Better yet, Belgium, where all the Ebola travelers grab a quick waffle on their way to effortlessly transporting the virus across the rest of the world. It just takes three weeks of normal temps to assure you’re all good. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask to prevent killing innocent people just trying to get their bowl on in Brooklyn. Even the Ebola virus has to be thinking, what the fuck America, this was supposed to be harder.

Photo credit: Getty Images