By Jack August 24, 2015 @ 11:00 AM
Bad ass Ronda Rousey has been campaigning pretty hard to be in the new Captain Marvel movie. She finally got an offer…to be in the porn version. I don’t know that I want to see that. I bet she could snap off a dude’s dick with her keegle muscles.
Read all about her lucrative offer. (TMZ)
Can you guess the celebrity ass? (COED)
Amber Valletta topless on a bed? Don’t mind if I do. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Irina Shayk doesn’t like to wear clothes. (Drunken Stepfather)
Vaness Hudgens has some fucking amazing cleavage. (Hollywood Tuna)
Sexy girls lying in bed. (The Chive)
Emily Ratjkowski forgot to wear a bra to the party. (Popoholic)
By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 10:13 AM
Fame is precarious. Never more so than when built on the back of unconfirmed reports that you fucked your boss. Even by Hollywood standards that’s pretty light. Former Affleck-Garner nanny Christine Ouzounian is visiting every place paparazzi are known to hang out in Los Angeles hoping to get her cool celebrity sunglasses featured in the tabloids. She’s also retained an agent to get her a gig on a reality show, starting with Dancing With the Stars and working on down to fucking a pony on Chechen public access. Don’t be surprised to learn they pay the same. Ok Magazine is reporting that Affleck and Garner might actually get back together, united in their hatred for their ambitious Armenian nanny. So this is a happy story. Especially for Ben who got a nice taste. Still got a little slave owner savvy in you.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 9:48 AM
I’m not sure when Duke University gained the reputation for having douchebag students, or precisely when it was formally validated by science, but it seems borne out by repeated anecdotal evidence. Several incoming Duke Freshmen went onto Facebook to announce their Christian moral principles would be compromised if they were to read one of the five summer books the university suggested for all new students. Namely Fun Home. Your typical graphic novel about a girl who grows up with a dad in a funeral home business, who comes out as a lesbian only to discover that her dad too is secretly homosexual. That’s a lot of gay, but that’s also college.
The entire point of spending a boatload of your parent’s cash on four years of softly date raping co-eds and painting your face blue is to open your mind to shit that wasn’t allowed in your high school. If you’re talking any major university in 2015, that’s going to include a ton of gay literature. If your Christian values preclude you from even reading about abominations in fictitious form, then go to a school that fits your needs. Also, don’t read the Bible because there’s tons of Fun Home shit in there. Announcing your disagreement with school policies before you even arrive on campus for your first day seems kind of dickish. Sorry, I meant Dukish. See how I did that? Now, where the fuck is that barrette?
Photo credit: Fun Home
By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 9:06 AM
Any guy with half a ladies man brain knows you always hit on the younger sister. The younger sister will surpass the older sister simply because she’s sick to shit of playing second fiddle to that bitch who got all the good clothes and mom and dad attention. Bella Hadid left her undiagnosed Lyme disease ravaged celebrity mom’s bedside as soon as she turned eighteen to try and outdo her older sister Gigi in the world of looking fuckable in a wet bikini. As of now I’m giving her the edge. The next play is yours, Bella. Your older sister won’t do anal. No, that’s not important to me. But it should be important to you.
Photo Credit: GQ Magazine
By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 8:38 AM
After Rosie O’Donnell tracked down her teen daughter Chelsea in the home of some 20-something dude she met on Tinder, O’Donnell and her press machine went into overdrive pushing the story that her daughter was mentally ill and off her meds and this Steven Sheerer she met was a hardened criminal and a predator. The alternative is that her daughter is sick of her adopted mom’s nut baggery and wanted to get the hell out of Dodge and get laid by the first reasonably handsome dude she met. But that just seems ludicrous compared to Rosie’s version of events.
This dude never touched her daughter the entire time she was away, leaving O’Donnell unable to give her tear-filled speech about the sacred hymen violation of her Chelsea. O’Donnell uncovered two old drug arrests on Sheerer’s record, but he’d already been sentenced to probation for those offenses. O’Donnell moved to Plan C and confiscated her daughter’s phone, finding randy messages from this dude and things he liked to do with pretty girls in bed. O’Donnell had him arrested on ‘obscenity’ charges since her daughter’s only seventeen and this guy had a dick. It’s entirely unclear if Sheerer even knew Chelsea’s age from meeting on Tinder where lying is considered foreplay. Sheerer’s now being held on $40,000 bail and could face up to ten years in prison. Hell hath no fury like a fat lesbian thrice divorced mother of ninety-seven.
Photo credit: Ocean County Prosecutor’s Office
By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
If you’re a model but haven’t dropped the hyphen past 19 it just means you suck at everything besides walking upright. Print some new business cards. Kelly Brooks is a model and actress and will tell you all about it at real estate class orientation. You know what is slightly more interesting than your story about the time you and your girlfriends went to the Bahamas and pretended to blow that guy for the photo? The fact that you actually blew him after. Props for the real tits. Those should bode well going forward. Now get a job that doesn’t involve Ellen or fucking men or fucking Ellen. Amazon is hiring, if you’ve got good spirit.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
After nobody bit on Courtney Stodden’s sex tape that was fake stolen from her barely pubescent agent’s Van Nuys strip mall office she moved on to more desperate tactics as if it could get any worse. Time to move to Germany. They have unions for this shit. If it wasn’t obvious, she’s got a bunch of tape on her tits and stuck inside her pussy and that drill smells like a shrimp cannery. The tape thing is kind of clever but people don’t really jerk off to Woody Allen movies. Except Woody Allen and every film critic in the five boroughs. Usually you’ve got to have something to back it up. She’s the opposite of nebbish. Her left arm looks like Dolph Lundgren’s circa the steroid era. Her pussy is probably pretty tight. Because it’s taped shut. For once.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt August 24, 2015 @ 6:24 AM
Floyd Mayweather bought or at least posed with and pretended to buy a 5 million dollar car. His kids also hate him. That’s doesn’t excuse your Sentra with the ketchup stains on the cloth upholstery. It’s a Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita. No idea what that means but it goes really fast into a brick wall. Try and top it out, Money. I’ve seen your fights, let’s get you bloody for once. Normally head room would be a problem but you’re a midget who beats up other midgets and occasionally your special lady. History will not look kindly on us as a people. But definitely not you. Yes, you can be asked to be buried in that thing.
Photo Credit: Instagram