It seems like just yesterday that ten million politically correct retards threw their arms in the air and exalted the birth of Caitlin Jenner. It was like the broken marriages and child abandonment and vehicular manslaughters and sexualization of young daughters never happened. Baptism in the river tranny. Vagina Dad’s new five million dollar pay day is set to launch with Caitlin filming herself verite in her bed discussing her fear of letting down transgendered teens on the brink of horrific outcomes. That is a burden Caitlin takes on for herself in between commercials and weaves. A deft segue into Caitlin showing off her closet full of fabulous clothes then offering Khloe a brontosaurus roast by way of reconciliation for turning into a more popular version of her makes up the rest of the show. There’s no reason to re-invent the wheel. Tranny teens are dying. What shade of lipstick is that again?
People imagine if you visit Los Angeles there are ambitious chicks on every block flashing their big fake knockers for some dude with a camera and impossible to nail down ethnic descent. It’s only mostly true. And only in the daylight hours. By nightfall these girls are whisked away in black town cars to be the overly obvious dates for gay actors and studio executives. It’s not slavery if everybody smiles. The crucifix doesn’t bother me. Jesus understands you more than most.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Everyone can relax, the worst tragedy of our time is over. Taylor Swift has apologized to Nicki Minaj for being such a self-centered cunt. Now we can all get on with our lives.
It’s like the Yalta agreement but dumb. (The Superficial)
Julia Lescova would like you to look at her bare naked tits. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Justin Bieber loves to gleam the cube. If you get that reference you are old. (TMZ)
Delilah Parillo is topless in Vogue Spain. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Erika Wheaton and these are her titties. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kendall Jenner covers up her genital warts with lace panties. (Popoholic)
Attention lesbians! Cara Delevingne and St. Vincent broke up. (Dlisted)
If I had to guess which of these models Michelle Rodriguez dug to the third knuckle last night, I’m selecting the Canadian blond chick she made go out in just her underwear. That’s a boss move. All the world’s best looking women showed in St. Tropez to raise money for Leonardo DiCaprio’s environmental foundation nobody would ever bother to audit. DiCaprio rents out a Riviera ballroom every year and shows a bunch of models how his cock feels better than rhino horn, spanks them on the ass and orders them to run off and tell the world. It’s not proven particularly effective in relation to saving rhinos, but you bang a dozen Victoria’s Secret models and tell me that’s not a successful charity.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Attractive women who don’t talk much are to be worshipped as gods on earth. They are the prize for nailing that elusive center tube in Skee-ball while buzzed on 3.2 beer at the arcade. Doutzen Kroes still refers to her DJ husband unapologetically as an artist. I bet she keeps the kids quiet while dad is programming his iPod. I wonder if she has a slightly to moderately disfigured sister for a guy like me. Yes, I did invite Kroutzen over to swim again. Yes, I told her bathing suits optional. You know, when I married a girl missing her mandible, I expected less questions.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
MTV broadcast a special on White People and white privilege because the title sold itself and they’re trying to get people to stop noticing how many of their reality shows cast members are dying. Also because racism will never be solved in this nation until it’s chunked into 90 minutes of disparate anecdotes of young white and black people spewing misperceptions about one another.
White Privilege is the new way for white people to feel bad about themselves even if they are hard working people who never caught a break in their life. Feeling guilty about shit is the new making progress. Who has time to advance real social change? Best just to apologize on Twitter.
In the show, a bunch of unattractive caucasians are proven to have the wrong idea about who is getting college scholarships when stats showing that it’s not black kids are shoved in their face by a Hispanic dude who fails to mention that his homies are the ones getting all the college dough. Then a black girl cries when a white chick uses the word ghetto. Then a bunch of white girls cry over being labeled racist. There may or may not be shots of Rachel Dolezal getting a weave in the background. If Dr. King were alive today, he would be Exec Producing emotionally unstable fat teens in not particularly shocking documentaries. Whoever is asking the question, hey, MTV, could you get any worse?, please stop.
When Flavor Flav was arrested for DUI in Vegas a few weeks back he had an open bottle of Heineken in his cup holder and a bag of weed on his person. He also had a false registration and a suspended license and was going 73 in a 45 which can really get you noticed. It appears that in the Orwellian nightmare we’re living in it is now common to have your blood tested at the station as well as your Twitter feed swept for distasteful jokes before being booked. That’s where things go from bad to fucked because Flav had cocaine in his system. Of course that doesn’t mean he was under the influence while driving but obviously he definitely was. You don’t do shit like that on beer. Flav stated in an interview that in the 80′s he spent $2600 a day on coke for five years straight. That’s a little under five million bucks. If he had bought real estate with that five million instead, today he would have enough money to snort cocaine for ten years straight. A clock around his neck and no understanding of time. Compulsory rehab is going to be chock full of those little nuggets.
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Gal Gadot will be playing Wonder Woman in the clearly atrocious upcoming Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. That title just made me want to punch a page boy. Wonder Woman is a fascinating character who dresses like a dude at Comic Con and drives an invisible car, which is insanely retarded since she herself is not invisible. That would be like if you were invisible for the day and you hung out in the woman’s showers wearing a snowsuit and were immediately beaten to death by police and then people tripped over your invisible body. Negates the point. Gadot wants you to know she doesn’t give a shit about acting, hence her involvement in the Fast and Furious franchise:
“I didn’t want to do the obvious role that you see in Hollywood most of the time, which is the heartbroken girl who’s waiting to be rescued by the guy, blah, blah, blah. My agent called me and said, ‘You have an audition for James Bond. They’re looking for the girl.’ And I told him, ‘Listen, it’s all in English. I’m not an actress. I’m not going to go. A month later, I landed the lead role for a TV series in Israel. And two months later, the same casting director cast me for Fast & Furious. The rest is history.”
Moral of the story, if you’re super hot you can act like a cunt and opportunities will fall into your lap. This attitude should not bode well going forward so I’d settle down with a studio exec before your voice starts to drop. You’re paying the bills but not exactly putting together a stellar resume. I heard Affleck is available. Isn’t that the chick from that movie we walked out of? And her dorky husband? Basic cable’s a bitch.
Photo Credit: InterviewMagazine.com