Tom Cruises’ semen must have some kind of poison in it because Katie Holmes looks like hell and Nicole Kidman has turned into some kind of monster. The New York Post says…
Everyone was talking about Nicole Kidman at the Country Music Awards in Nashville Sunday night. “She looked freakish,” said one witness. “She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan.”
That witness got off easy. They saw her after 36 hours of hair and makeup (here). Look at her this morning at some fitness thing back in Australia. I’m only looking at the pictures and I’m freaked out. I’ve already closed my blinds and put on a mask so she can’t find me while I type this, and when I’m done here I’m gonna throw this computer into the ocean and move to a new town. I don’t really know how all that IP stuff works. She might be able to find me that way.
INCOMPETENT UPDATE - aww god dammit. okay so the running pictures are nicoles sister antonia. still. look. ooohhhh. pretty scary, huh.
(picture source = getty images)
I’m already on record as saying Katie Holmes is hot so it’s prolly too late to pretend that didn’t happen, but in my defense I had no way of knowing she was gonna do this. Stumble around on Long Island this morning like a rape victim who just chewed through her ropes. God you women are maddening. How could someone who looks like this trick me into thinking she was so cute. She probably used some kind of kissing potion to cloud my mind and make me fall in love with her. Because I’m so handsome. Yes, yes it’s all adding up now.
(image source = inf daily)
Jennifer Aniston is on vacation in Mexico today, although you may have to take my word on that because these bikini pictures are so blurry and muddled and annoying. Much like Jennifer Aniston herself. It’s like you and I are psychics seeing her aura, looking right through her and straight to her personality.
God she sucks. Look at her. Looking over the chair like a lost little doggy. Hoping for someone to love her. But guess what Jennifer, unlike that little dog, no one will ever love you because you’re a clingy, self-centered, pain in the ass, and your visually disturbing chin makes you look like that mailman guy who told the story of Santa. Your chin is like something a dinosaur would have to ward off predators. Good luck with your cats, you mean old bitch.
(image source = splash news online)
Do you see now why a Lindsay picture ban is long overdue?
But, whatever. More to the point, TMZ has lost their minds. Today they have the breathless headline that Michael Lohan may face jail time because he gave Radar Online recordings of several phone calls between himself, Lindsay and his ex wife Dina.
Michael Lohan could wind up behind bars for his despicable decision to release secret recordings of his family’s phone conversations — because it appears (he) wasn’t legally allowed to be on the calls in the first place.
It’s all over a protective order Dina obtained in Nassau County, New York back in 2005, which bans Michael from communicating with Dina by email or phone until 2011.
Unfortunately for Lindsay — who was granted a one-year protective order against Michael back in 2004 — there are no laws against being an insensitive, fame-hungry, backstabbing father.
Clearly this has outraged TMZ and will set back their quest to clean up celebrity media, and has nothing to do with the tapes going to a rival, but is what they’re saying even true? I don’t know what the statute of limitations is on perfectly pleasant phone calls but if she wanted to report this crime she should have done it by now.
This is New York. And she’s already said the phone calls are over a year old. The judge is gonna have her approach the bench just so he can conk her on the head with his gavel. She could maybe try to claim she felt threatened, but there’s simply no chance her dumb ass is smart enough for that. They’re dumb as rocks, these Lohans. “He made me talk to him, I couldn’t get away. I heard a hissing sound. I think he had dynamite. I was lucky to get off the phone alive.”
SHARON OSBOURNE - went on Opie and Anthony last week and said Susan Boyle looked like a “slapped ass”. Today she apologized, calling Boyle a “lovely gracious woman”. But then she added, “like a blue ribbon pig at the state fair”, so I’m not sure how this is helping. (facebook)
CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2 - was released Tuesday and in the first 24 hours it made $310 million. ‘The Dark Knight’ holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took that 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit. (the ap)
CINDY CRAWFORD - was being extorted by a friend of her ex-nanny who claimed to have a picture of Crawfords daughter bound and gagged in a chair. The picture was taken by the nanny. The extortionist has been arrested and then deported back to his home in Germany. Where he’ll fit right in with the rest of the fetish perverts. (radar)
BLAKE LIVELY - really hates pants. She dresses like this all the time. Were her parents killed by a pair of pants or something?
The rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie breaking up began two years before they ever met, and since then every magazine and paper have had 400 stories saying all they ever do is fight and this time Brad and/or Angelina have had it. Today Us magazine throws this on the pile:
(A new book) reports that “they’ve broken up so many times it would make your head spin.” It also claims Jolie “has a temper like a cobra”.
“They fight all the time about the kids - where to put toys, saying the wrong thing to a nanny, not cleaning up. Like cats and dogs.”
Adding to this is the Sun, who today says Angelina is planning on adopting again but this time without Pitt as the father.
ANGELINA JOLIE is planning to add to her six children with a Syrian baby - but has anyone told BRAD PITT?
A spokesperson for the INS in Washington D.C. confirmed that “only (Angelina’s) name was on the papers”.
A newspaper quotes a source as saying: “Brad has made it clear that six children are more than he can handle.
Tyler has 7 different photo agencies and none of them have any pictures of Pitt and Jolie together since a UN sponsored trip to Syria on October 2nd. Before that they were last seen together August 10th at the ‘Inglorious Basterds’ premiere. Twice in three months. Once for the UN and once for a movie. Since Syria, Angelina has been seen with the kids in France, and Pitt has been seen with Maddox in New York, but they haven’t been seen together.
This proves nothing of course. Maybe the adoption will be good for them. It’s better she try to lure him with a new baby then by marrying him. Babies are easy. Divorce is ugly. You can’t just tie a marriage in a burlap sack weighed down by rocks and throw it in a river.
