Taylor Swift Jumps Into Porn Game

By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Swift

Starting in June you will be able to buy Internet domain names ending in .porn, .sucks, .adult and 547 other options to guarantee you a great story to tell the guy trying to fix the malware on your computer. The move comes in response to the pleas of parents who claim adult content needs to be separate from the mainstream internet and coincidentally also work for Comcast. Taylor Swift has jumped ahead of the demand for fake novelty content and purchased the domains TaylorSwift.adult and TaylorSwift.porn. It is unclear if she is going to fill these sites with photoshopped images of herself blowing a midget but the smart money says not. I suppose this is a smart move if you don’t have much of a sense of humor. I’m pretty sure TaylorSwiftGangBang.porn is still available or countless other options if you apply your imagination. Or you could just use Google Images. That’s assuming you want to see Taylor Swift’s head on a porn star’s body while she gets railed by a footlong. I never did. Until now. It’s a rabbit hole. Bring on the domains!

Photo Credit: Instagram 

People Really Want to Get Thinner the Easy Way

By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Burner

A product called the Cool Fat Burner which is a vest you put ice packs in and wear around has raised $114,000 on IndieGoGo. The theory is that being cold speeds up your metabolism so you start burning calories while you wear this under your clothes and get beat down at the airport. The product starts at $60 and goes up to $270 if you trigger Siberia mode and completely stop your circulation. I have a few questions. If this product worked wouldn’t people get thinner in the winter? Does constantly icing your lungs pose any health threats? Why is my couch all wet and what the fuck is the matter with you. There are no shortcuts in nature. In fact I think it has a vendetta against people who try. If you buy this you’ll most likely be hit by a Mac truck while the driver plays a portable X-Box. Take a job in a meat locker you’ll be winning cage fights by Christmas.

Photo Credit: IndieGoGo.com

Robert Durst No Bail

By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Durst

Gloating murderer Robert Durst has been denied bail as prosecutors made the case he is planning to flee the country and they also watch HBO and are scared of him. Durst was found in his New Orleans hotel room with $44,000 in cash and was awaiting a shipment with another $117,000 in hundreds. He had maps of Florida and Cuba as well as fake IDs, a lifelike rubber mask and a loaded gun and some marijuana. He is being charged with possession of said pot  because the rest of that shit is pretty much standard fare for dudes in New Orleans hotel rooms. Prosecutors think we was planning to shoot a shitty indie movie or go to Cuba where murder is legal with much cheaper donations than required here in the U.S.. Following the New Orleans business, Durst will be extradited to Los Angeles to face trial for the murder of his friend, Susan Berman. Former friend I guess is more appropriate He’ll likely be acquitted and agree that Brentwood really is much nicer than Cuba and keep local. I’d probably have coffee with him but I wouldn’t let him know I keep my balcony door open most warm evenings.

Bieber’s Buddy Charged

By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Twist

Lil Twist, who has wrecked Justin Bieber’s car and thrown unsanctioned parties at his house, has been charged with six felonies including burglary, grand larceny, and being named Lil Twist. Twist was crashing at Kyle Massey’s apartment, who is a Disney channel child actor and probably just as badass as Lil Twist. When Massey’s brother kicked Twist and his posse of confident midgets out of their apartment they returned and assaulted him with brass knuckles and stole his wallet. That wasn’t a great idea, since there was a clear motive and also there aren’t that many dudes out there named Lil Twist wearing twenty-eight pounds of faux jewelry. A warrant has been issued for his arrest. When Bieber’s P.R. people convince him not to lend legal support to this also-ran, he’s going to be up shit creek. If you can’t imagine a much larger inmate asking this kid in the showers how he got the nickname, Lil Twist, you’re not imagining fun enough.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Holly Madison Wanted to Die in the Playboy Mansion

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 12:59 PM

Holly Madison Instagram
Before there were the Kardashians, there were Holly, Bridget, and Kendra on E! getting their tits blurred out on Girls Next Door. Those girls giggled and laughed and pranked and pretended to be lesbians and everything seemed so perfect. Well, think again, Charlie Sunshine! They were fucking miserable. It turns out living in the Playboy mansion as a blonde fuck toy and pegging Hef to the sound of the ceremonial gongs isn’t as fulfilling as one might think. There’s booze and drugs and Bill Cosby old man saliva to help cover the gaps, but according to Holly Madison, that fantasy world….

quickly devolved into an oppressive routine of strict rules, manipulation, and battles with ambitious, backstabbing bunnies.

So, like everybody else’s workplace basically. In Madison’s about to be released autobiography, Fuckety Fuck Fuck Fuck Tits and a Tomato, or something like that, she makes tons of shocking revelations, outrageously shocking revelations, and revelations so shocking, they’re shocking.

Life inside the notorious Mansion wasn’t a dream at all—and quickly became her nightmare. After losing her identity, her sense of self-worth, and her hope for the future, Holly found herself sitting alone in a bathtub contemplating suicide.”

Which is why I never take baths. Gym showers. Never found a dead guy in one of those. I wonder if she slowly slipped beneath the water contemplating her loss of identity. I’ll leave you hanging as to what she did next, but suffice it to say, she’s now married to the dude who makes a mint off the ecstasy fueled Electric Daisy Chain white suburban kids can dance when high music festivals. That fucker makes super bank even after netting out lawsuits for the chicks who don’t survive the parties. I blame the blurred out tits for most of this. It crushed my soul as well.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Claudia Jordan in A Bikini

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 12:19 PM

Claudia Jordan Wears A Pink Bikini To The Beach With Friends In Miami
I mostly remember this chick from Deal or No Deal, the show you watched just waiting for Howie Mandel to bring a gun and start mowing people down suitcase holders to terminate their microbial afflictions. She’s also now on one of those Real Housewives shows even though she’s not a housewife, a wife, or real so much. Nobody cares anymore about titles or truths. Those are bygone days. Can you give men wood into your 40′s. That’s why Jordan’s at the beach and you’re at work. She isn’t crying about people saying means things to her on Twitter. She’s letting the Atlantic ocean massage her crackers and wondering how she’ll look that night getting out of a Lambo. That’s real power.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Rob Kardashian On the Run And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

169490050

Rob Kardashian called his sister Kim out for being a sociopathic murderer. Either he’s right or he’s wrong. Either way, he’s dead.

Read all about Rob getting Gone Girled. (TMZ)

Start your week off right, with girls with giant boobs. (The Chive)

Summer St. Claire shows her topless bug yums in the great outdoors. (Egotastic)

Megan Fox models in a sheer bodysuit for a Korean skincare line. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lauren Stoner in a bikini is faptacular. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Lowndes Instagrams a picture of her sweet ass in a bikini. (Popoholic)

Anais Zanotti, Ana Braga, and Tahiti Cora frolic in bikinis. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio Too Skinny To Model

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 11:43 AM

Alessandra Ambrosio Wears Jean Shorts While Out To Lunch
American politicians are weak-kneed knob gobblers. But they still lick the French. Those fuckers wake up every day and ask themselves how can we be more like our hero, the prison bitch. Legislators in France are pushing a law that will compel the French fashion industry to only employ models with a minimum body mass index of 18. 18 is considered bottom of the viably healthy range by the World Health Organization. 16′s and 17′s are more common among your starving types in the Sudan and cotton ball eaters getting paid six-figures to hit the catwalk during Fashion Week. Alessandra Ambrosio would be fucked. She’s a 16.8, which approximates the girth of a cancer patient just before the priest arrives for last rites. And so what? There’s no company that doesn’t want Alessandra modeling their clothes. There’s no man that doesn’t want to bang her skeletal frame while her judgement wanes from low blood sugar.

She seems happy. Who the fuck are the French to tell her she’s a danger to herself and a poor role model for girls. She’s the perfect role model for girls who want to be rich and famous fashion models. If that’s your thing, say goodbye to food. You want to be a sumo wrestler, you’ll eat ten times a day. Pick your job according to your love of Wendy’s and if you want a 2 or a 4 in front of your jean’s waist size. If France really cared about girls, they’d make it illegal for chain smoking men in scarves to enlist middle schools girls into their photo modeling studios. Forcing a girl to watch a gloomy man pleasure himself to a Johnny Hallyday rock anthem is far worse than convincing her not to eat on days that end in a ‘y’.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet