The Situation Must Remain Sober

By Matt September 25, 2014 @ 7:02 AM

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The judge in Mike Sorrentino’s tax evasion case has ordered him to be subjected to regular testing for drugs and alcohol while out on bail. This seems odd given the charges are for tax evasion. Maybe the judge figures he should do his best to curtain a gonorrhea outbreak due to what would otherwise be The Situation’s pre-incarceration drunken fuckfest. Maybe he just wants to make sure The Situation has no fun for a few months before his highly paid attorneys come in and rape the justice system. It’d be more effective if he just ordered The Situation subject to beatings and possible twitchy fingered snipers while out on bail. If they covered that in a reality show, I’d watch. My interests in reality TV voyeurism are pretty minimal, but watching The Situation slowly bleed over the course of a season, I’d DVR that.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Thieves Suing For Defamation (VIDEO)

By Matt September 25, 2014 @ 6:15 AM

The two chunky beach ladies famous from a viral video of them trying to steal someone’s shit on the beach are suing Fox News because the news network pre-judged them as guilty when they covered this gotcha video. Fox used the following descriptions of the sandy events:

“Attempted theft… caught stealing… caught red handed”

These swamp rats are claiming innocence in a sad attempt to save face with their 90 year old born again neighbor who is giving them the benefit of the doubt. In the video, the women stutter out that they thought the equipment they were trying to walk away with was their’s because people often own the exact same tent, chairs and boogie board down to the color and serial number. The spastic cows couldn’t even disassemble their own tent, presumably the same one they would have set up earlier in the day to provide protection from the sun as they rolled around in the sand and laid their egg sacs. These low rent grifters will be laughed out of court, at which point they will try to steal some rims in the parking lot and be shackled and forced to work gator removal on the highways. I kind of feel bad for the gators. These chicks will not taste like chicken.

Daphne Joy Seems At Peace

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 1:59 PM

Daphne Joys In Tiny Bikini In Las Vegas
There were two seminal moments in any woman’s life. First, when her big fake tits come out looking pretty nice. You go in with so much hope, but there’s always that Tori Spelling nightmare picture freaking out the back of your mind. The second is when 50 Cent acknowledges that he’s your baby daddy. Not just because he’s worth $250 million, though mostly entirely that. Last summer, 50 Cent trashed Daphne Joy’s L.A. apartment. I’m going to detective that as the Billy Jean moment. This past January, 50 told the whole world the kid was his and started bragging about how amazing his little son was. You know, like dad’s do after their lawyers inform them paternity tests came back positive and there’s no worming out of child support payments. Modern science really has not been good to rappers.

Daphne Joy seems content now. As does any exotic model knowing that she can get fat now and her son is still set for private school tuition through 2030. You can air all the smart financial planning commercials you want, the savvy girls know they’ve yet to invent a retirement plan better than having a rich man’s baby. I’m pretty sure Emma Watson said something like that over the weekend in her U.N. address.

Photo Credit: Splash

Megan Irwin Needs No Tent

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Megan Irwin Changes Out In The Open During A Photoshoot In Australia
Australia is one of those countries where you can do whatever the hell you want so long as you make up silly words and slap people on the back. Fuck me, mate, did I just run over your dog? Let me get you a Fosters. I’m such a snagglewacker.

I don’t know why I’m so fascinated with this Australian model changing out in the open during a photo shoot. Usually models will at least have the gang of ¬†squirrely-eyed crust munchers encircling them during a wardrobe change to ensure their privates aren’t hacked. Some bigger names get the Scheherazade tent complete with distilled water bidets and cotton balls soaked in zero-calorie flavors of the orient. This chick just said fuck it. I’m such a billyklump. I’m getting everybody a Vegemite sandwich for peeking at me knickers. Australia is the lovable slow kid at school.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Sarah Hyland’s Ex-Boyfriend Has Too Much Free Time

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 12:31 PM

Sarah Hyland Wears A Short Dress On The Set Of Modern Family
There’s no way to evaluate whether or not your current squeeze is someday going to be your future crazy fucking ex. Actually, there is, but in the days of fresh sex and pet names, you’re too drunk with quim to notice. There certainly is a solid way to tell if somebody will have the time, energy, and fragile ego to be one ginormous pain in the ass ex. As a for instance, they’re an out of work child actor. That sounds like a guy who might snap, has every single waking hour free from obligation, and a shitload of knowledge about cell phones and social media accounts.

Sarah Hyland just got a restraining order against High School Musical 3 actor Matt Prokop because after five years of dating, he didn’t take their breakup so well. According to Hyland, he was an abusive prick for almost the entire time they dated. Why she chose to stay with such a manipulative and violent asshole will be likely have to wait for her TV talk show appearances. Suffice it to say, she was young and she’s a hero. Over the summer he started calling her a cunt for dressing too showy and choking her in not the fun David Carradine way. When she finally called it quits, he threw a lighter at her, threatened to burn down her house, then sent her a bunch of frightening texts saying he was going to kill himself, or her, or their malitpoo. That’a a shitty dog young celebrities purchase together to look adorable in Us Weekly, at least between the beatings.

If I were Hyland’s dad I’d probably go and beat this kid with a garden rake. That wouldn’t stop him from continuing to stalk her, but it would still be fun. The precise tool used to finish him off would be something I’d be sure to Google on somebody else’s computer. When they’d come to search my Chrome, they’d just find ‘How to Be Super Helpful to Abusive Dickwads’ articles.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

The Situtation Is Indicted And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 24, 2014 @ 12:12 PM

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Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has been indicted on several counts of tax fraud for not reporting millions of clams. In sadder news, we live in a world in which this collie-faced fuck can earn millions.

Read all about The Situation’s…um…situation. (Huffington Post)

Check out this upskirt of Kesha. What will you find?. (Drunken Stepfather)

Ashley Lee sells expensive water through tits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rob Schneider gets shit canned by State Farm for being an anti-vaxxer moron. (TMZ)

Sophia Bush doesn’t like bras on the set of Extra. (Popoholic)

Kanye West teaches an advanced class on how to be a massive asshole. (COED)

People pissed that Jessica Simpson’s baby got thrown in the air. (The Superficial)

Amber Rose Divorces Wiz Khalifa

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 12:01 PM

Amber Rose Files For Divorce From Wiz Khalifa

Ah, damn, if these two wonderful kids couldn’t make it past a year and one illegitimate child. For Amber Rose, being a multi-rapper plundered woman with a baby and the face of a Dutch boy painting, she’ll come up, fuck, roses. But Whiz Khalifa, I expect this to hit him the hardest. Not quite so bad as losing your reefer connect or a member of your traveling squad posse or your merch manager or public relations lead or or mixmaster or even that bitch in Indiana who can tea bag your entire genital package, still, this is your wife and baby mama. That pain’s going to linger for minutes on end.

You can see the divorce documents on TMZ. Yes, TMZ has a team of aggressive midgets that live in small lean-to’s outside the courthouses waiting for these kinds of filings. I’m sorry, aggressive little-people, like in Beijing.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Dakota Johnson in a Bikini

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 10:09 AM

Dakota Johnson Wears A Bikini While She Roams The Beach In Italy
The entire reason for attractive people to get married is to make good looking daughters. All those fights and cheating and acrimonious divorces and hate-filled boozed up evenings are the small sacrifice for making hot girls with minimal wisdom points. Every reasonably equipped male knows those girls are the prize of the herd. Wow, your parents sound so selfish, you want to make out in my van?

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI