It Pays To Be A Whore And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 20, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

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Do you know how much Farrah Abraham earned doing her strip club topless research? 500k! Let that sink in. This busted lazy-eyed whore made enough to buy a house by flashing her fake tits in Austin. I saw them on the Internet for free. I win.

Read all about how far being a whore can get you. (Huffington Post)

Jessica Simpson wants silicone ass implants so she can look like Kim Kardashian. (Dlisted)

The day I stop caring about Selena Gomez in hot pants is the day I’m dead. (Popoholic)

Check out the TCU cheerleaders calendar and pretend to care about TCU football. (COED)

There’s no football now but Lindsey Duke’s boobs are always in season. (Busted Coverage)

It’s for things like Adrienne Curry in a bikini that I get up in the morning. (The Superficial)

This picture of Helen Hunt getting wet will make your wiener sad. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna Touches Herself for the Children

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

Rihanna-Touches-Herself-on-Instagram
Rihanna is making waves again. I don’t know, people say that. This time it’s not for singing tracks into a computer for re-assembly, but for sticking her paw into her pants on Twitter. She captioned the photo “school. kills” which is something not quite as provocatively inane as watching Rihanna finger her vagina through her transparent weed and cigarettes shorts. Rihanna’s public relations are run mostly by she and her buddies getting wicked fucking high and thinking of stupid things to do on the Internet that will get even stupider people like me to…. fuck.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Deeply Amazing

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:01 AM

Gwyneth-Paltrow-and-Jessica-Seinfeld-on-Instagram

When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.

Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.

I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.

There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.

It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.

Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram

Nicki Minaj Have Ass Will Ass Travel

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 10:16 AM

Nicki Minaj Shows Off Her Booty In Her Video For 'Anaconda'
Here’s more from the Anaconda music video from Nicki Minaj that is certain to reshape the very face of music. Sort of the way a car crash and plowing your head through a windshield at 40mph will reshape the very look of your face. Now that the dictates of my profession have forced me to watch the entire fucking video twice, I can say that this auditory pile of shit has some pretty nice asses. And when the dude at JuCo who made this in half an hour on GarageBand sampled Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s pretty fucking fresh. In the fine tradition of men’s magazines, I give this music video three boners. If Nicki’s ass were to explode in a ghastly blast of bloody homogenized fat, I’d take away one boner, but I’d buy it on iTunes instead of ripping it from YouTube.

JWoww Wants None Sex

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Jenni JWOWW Farley Looking Heavier Out In New York
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.

Photo Credit: Splash

Just Give Lou Gehrig Your Fucking Money Already (VIDEO)

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM







Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.

Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!

Why You Should Watch the Gruesome James Foley Beheading Video

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 6:30 PM

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We can’t easily fix the fact that there are a few million Islamic Fundamentalists who believe slaughtering innocent men, women, children, and probably beloved house pets brings them closer to their god. They’re in the business of subjugation and genocide, which is hard to root for in the world of the sane, though in the Middle East and parts of Paris and London, it plays fairly well. The Islamic Caliphate is never actually coming back. These blood-thirsty primitives are never going to actually get what they want. The United States could turn the entire historical Caliphate into a radioactive moonscape of ashen skulls within half an hour. Technology has changed since the Middle Ages. This leaves only the sociopathic human cleansing in the name of Allah. That could go on for centuries.

I believe it’s worth the shock value of seeing an ISIS jihadist with a decidedly British accent slice off the head of an innocent photo journalist. Barbarism isn’t something that fully translates to the completely oral tradition. The act of viewing forces your mind to wrestle with the horror. The unpleasant sensation informs your view of the world. You will almost certainly never experience what photojournalist James Foley and his loved ones did today, but you can watch the unfolding madness and make it some little permanent part of you.

If you choose, you can see the video HERE. I’m not putting it on this site because I don’t want the corporate overlords running kitty litter commercials against it. Yes, it’s gruesome. No, I don’t think it’s disrespectful to his family to become more informed by way of his death. That may be one of Mr. Foley’s precious leave behinds.

(And, yes, this is sitting above a bikini picture. Maybe that’s appropriate considering how badly these twisted mofos hate women baring skin, or just women in general.)

Nina Agdal In A Bikini

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:45 PM

Nina Agdal In A Bikini At The Encore Beach Club In Las Vegas
If there’s one thing you need add to your bucket list, it’s getting an uncomfortable boner while checking out a promo girl behind a far away VIP rope line at a Las Vegas pool club. That’s really the best. Or the worst strip club proposition ever. Still, you get Vegas at 115-degrees. It’s a dry heat. You’re going home broke. You might as well tell people you caught a glimpse of what you think might be Nina Agdal’s ass in a bikini. Plus herpes, unrelated.

Photo Credit: Getty