War Machine’s Ultimate Hold

By Matt October 17, 2014 @ 7:23 AM

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War Machine attempted to strangle himself with a bed sheet while in jail cell awaiting trial on badly assaulting his girlfriend charges and must have tapped out before a prison guard cut him free. His lawyers clearly told him he’s legally fucked for about the next thirty years. On the bright side, if you happen to be obsessed with physical violence and dude fucking, you really couldn’t pick a better place to spend your days than state prison.

War Machine specialized in knocking out people weaker than him, so it’s surprising he couldn’t figure out how to sucker hang himself. All you need is to get drunk, shine one of those prison mirrors against the bars and throw a haymaker. One of your two parties will lose. At that point you can try and jam your finger up your own ass and throw that homemade noose around your neck. War Machine left a note most likely explaining what a badass he was to the very end. It’s got to be disheartening ultimately knowing you’re not as committed as the Cleveland kidnapper.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Joe Biden’s Son No Longer Sea Worthy

By Matt October 17, 2014 @ 6:26 AM

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Joe Biden’s son Hunter was kicked out of the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. This wouldn’t be a story if Hunter was a tyke fresh out of college, but at the age of forty four he is the oldest living man named Hunter and a partner at an investment firm. We will never know why Hunter decided to join the Navy after his first couple of million bucks. It’s sort of a young man’s game. Or I suppose a pretty cheap ploy to hedge your way into a congressional job after your daddy retires and the people who owe him favors are pardoned. After serving less than a month on the couch for the Navy he tested positive for cocaine and bullshit and issued this statement:

“The honor of my life is to serve in the U.S. Navy, and I deeply regret and am embarrassed that my actions led to my administrative discharge. I respect the Navy’s decision. With the love and support of my family, I’m moving forward.”

Except you didn’t serve and you have no honor. I don’t mind the kids of famous people picking up drug habits and generally being aimless good for nothings. That’s probably what I’d do. But using sideline military service as a resume booster seems pretty fucking shallow.

His political dreams may be over, but Hunter will certainly rotate all his lacrosse buddies through the Navy until he can finance one of their campaigns and pass loopholes for his investment firm. He’ll just have to watch them lose on a flatscreen while high on that sweet nose candy with a gun in his mouth.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Selena Gomez Hates Old People

By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:51 PM

Selena Gomez Wears Tube Top With Skirt To Jimmy Kimmel
If you’re famous and banking cash because your mom handed you over to Barney’s tiny forearms at a young age, it is your sworn duty to stop the haters. Granted, the haters gonna hate. If nothing else, modern pop music has taught us that. But if you’re making a a few mill by data mining the social media accounts of your fans, you have to call out the ones who refuse to blindly compliment you and ask for a follow. It’s the young celebrity version of volunteering in the community.

Selena Gomez is taking her brave fight against Internet critics by parsing her trolls, demanding the bright light of day be focused upon adults who rip on her online.

It’s grown-ups and I don’t get it. It just baffles me. I wish I could just sit them down and say, ‘What were you doing at 15? What were you doing at 18? What were you doing at 21?’ Because I can guarantee you it’s not half of what I’ve done.

It is true that those of us who flipped burgers and went to school past the age of six have not yet fucked Justin Bieber or made our first ten million. For the record, if I had to choose which half of your accomplishments to duplicate, I’d hope it would be the latter. But why are you attacking us oldies? Don’t you know who pays the credit card bills for the girls who inhale your merch? That’s right. Not me. Other old people. All decrepit and spiteful of your brilliant youth and talent.

Selena Gomez has vowed to refuse to let her non-fans win. That sounds like a pretty noble goal. Not quite the same as curing Ebola or helping college football players find jobs after they leave college with some Criminal Science credits, but noble in its own right.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Khloe Kardashian’s Real Father Revealed

By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:16 PM

Khloe Kardashian And Sofia Ritchie Share Dad
In an explosive new piece of stunningly unsourced journalism, In Touch Magazine is reporting that Lionel Richie might be Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Their evidence? Kris Jenner fucked a lot of rich black dudes back in the 80′s while she was not fucking her husband Dead Robert Kardashian. The In Touch source says one of those midday lays was Lionel Richie. And Khloe Kardashian looks like Lionnel Richie’s bio daughter Sofia. Ergo, Lionel Richie is Khloe’s real dad. I’m not buying it. All I’m seeing is ergo Kris Jenner has forever been a scheming beast with a vagina. The evidence linking Lionel Richie to paternity is identical to what idiots like myself have been using to claim O.J. is the unholy chunk monkey’s real father. This is like Star Wars, but with ambitious money grubbing vacuous whores in the place of galactic rebels and imperialists. So actually just a little bit better.

Photo Credit: Getty/WhoWhatWear

Jason Biggs Pisses On Chelsea Handler And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Jason Biggs made all of our dreams come true by pissing on Chelsea Handler’s stupid fucking face. The incident happened on a boat in which the Jewish kid from American Pie dribbled his vinegar on Chelsea’s head.

Watch the golden shower in its full crappy video quality glory. (The Superficial)

You know when you go to Walmart and start raping all the stuffed animals…(TMZ)

Nicole Scherzinger can’t sing but does have some nice titty balls. (Drunken Stepfather)

Were Kelly Brook’s tits always that big? (Hollywood Tuna)

Georgia Fowler is highly fappable in a bunch of bikinis. (Popoholic)

Ben Affleck’s Robin might be a woman because feminism. (Moviepilot)

Joan Rivers cause of death was loss of oxygen to the brain…isn’t that everyone’s cause of death? (Huffington Post)

Cynthia Escobar In a Thong

By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 11:39 AM

Cynthia Escobar Wears Thong Bikini While At A Pool In Las Vegas
When I was ten I walked into a psychic shop and for my lunch money a woman with a mole told me I would someday marry a Spanish model with big fake tits and the ability to deal a hand of stud by shooting cards dexterously out of her vagina. I don’t know why she didn’t just tell me I’d be a great football star and my bio dad would come back and be super awesome. It never made sense until now. This chick. Cynthia Escobar. She could be that woman. The One to bring the Matrix of my life together. Then I read her shit on Twitter.

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Meh, they don’t make tits fake enough to make up for that nonsense. Stupid gypsy fortunetellers.

Photo Credit: Splash

John Grisham Stands For Pedos

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 10:48 AM

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John Grisham made some comment about how people busted for child porn get unduly long prison sentences while promoting his latest formulaic drivel aimed at high school secretaries on their quest to find the missing hall pass. He thinks child porn hysteria is out of control, as arrests have now extended to older white guys who attend church semi-regularly:

“We have prisons now filled with guys my age. Sixty-year-old white men in prison who’ve never harmed anybody, would never touch a child…

I’m not sure the prisons are exactly filled with sexually disturbed Internet surfers. But Grisham has a point. There’s no harm in just watching child porn, given that it’s actually cast with happy adult midget workers with awesome benefit packages and not innocent kids being raped daily in Russia. But his grandfatherly heartstring messaging neglects to mention that sixty year old white guys are the coveted age demo of child porn. AARP members are the tween market of pedophilia.

“… But they got online one night and started surfing around, probably had too much to drink or whatever, and pushed the wrong buttons, went too far and got into child porn… It was labelled ”sixteen-year-old wannabee hookers” or something like that. And it said ”16-year-old girls”. So he went there. Downloaded some stuff – it was 16-year-old girls who looked 30.”

You can find convincing teen porn on any mainstream site that looks real enough to make you bust a U turn when you drive by a private school.  Nobody labels a video “Sixteen Year Old Wannabe Hookers” unless the chicks look like they belong in a Color Me Mine. It sucks Grisham’s golfing buddies turn into pedos after a couple gin and tonics. Most upstanding citizens just turn violent and anti semitic after a few belts. Someone should hack into John Grisham’s hard drive so he can be properly jailed and we can find decent shit to read at the airport.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Artist Makes Bad Art For Bad People

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 10:25 AM

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Ashley Longshore specializes in creating ‘family portraits’ for the one percent of people financially capable of commissioning her work without immediately regretting their decision. Typically these families are looking for masturbatory allusions to their unhealthy obsession with greed and materials, hence the title of her new series, “Greed, Money and Status.” It’s unclear how Longshore attained her position in the high end art world but it more than likely sprang up from sitting through conversations with art school graduates bitching about how they can’t afford the new J. Crew line. That combined with an insecurity complex and a wealthy husband and you’ve suddenly got Gwyneth Paltrow standing in your art studio with her checkbook open. Of Longshore’s more recent pieces is a chair stuffed with $500,000 dollars in shredded cash, because it’s ironic not to eat your peas while kids starve in India.

Photo Credit: Instagram