Liv Tyler In A Bikini

By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 9:24 AM

Liv Tyler In A Bikini On A Yacht In Formentera
Liv Tyler had a nice run. If I had found out my dad was really Steven Tyler, I would’ve packed on fifty, pierced my nose, and started volunteering the swing shift at a Planned Parenthood. With every abortion I’d wonder why that couldn’t have been me. Perhaps I’m more sensitive than Liv Tyler who just went on to model and make crappy movies while looking great for a decade. But time always catches up to us. Especially when we have a big fat ass. It’s just much harder to run.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nicki Minaj Is All About the Music

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:50 AM

Minaj

Nicki Minaj reportedly wanted MTV to film her VMA appearance in a way that would earn it a TV-MA rating. The network shot instead for a TV-14 which clearly excludes the massively spread labia Nicki had planned in order to be this year’s Miley. MTV focused on Minaj’s upper body while she had her legs up in a birthing position for no apparent reason. The performance was so tame it didn’t even turn heads at the Parents Television Council, an organization which exists solely to be offended:

“It wasn’t as racy as we were anticipating. What we were expecting to see was what was in the video — a guy up on the stage and her performing lap dances. Her costume was less revealing during the VMAs than it was in the music video. The elements were there, but the most offensive content was edited out. Whether Nicki Minaj had anything to do with that or MTV or network standards and practices, I don’t know, but we were relieved to see that it wasn’t as bad as it might have been.”

Its a sad day when you desperately want to come off as provocative and the old cronies from Footloose yawn in your face. Minaj should start performing with a dildo in her stink, pink, and maw to really make sure the cameras have nowhere to go but sexualized content. There’s no reason why the VMAs can’t serve as the proper forum to talk to your kids about where rapper bastard babies come from.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Hero Has A Warrant

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:14 AM

Miley Cyrus’ attempt to redeem her coked up clit grinding at last year’s VMA’s fell flat when she had a homeless guy accept her Music Video award while she sat in the front row and mugged tearfully. I am not sure how much money someone has to pay you to utter these words but you would be better off blowing old men in bathroom stalls if you wanted to preserve your dignity:

“If you want to make positive change in the world right now, join us and go to Miley’s Facebook page.”

The homeless guy’s name is Jessie Holt and he took the opportunity to go into his hard luck story, which is clearly devoid of any responsibility on his part:

“I’ve survived in shelters all over the city. I’ve cleaned your hotel rooms, I’ve been an extra in your movies. I’ve been an extra in your life.”

Wait, are you an unfortunate homeless man or an out of work actor who was too good for restaurant service jobs? It turns out Holt has a warrant for his arrest in Oregon for breaking into an apartment. So apart from being a martyr serving society’s underbelly by doing the necessary things you don’t notice, Holt is also the guy who steals shit out of you car when you leave the doors unlocked. He has peered through your window at night to see if anyone is home. He has jacked your credit card when you left it in the Friday’s booth and taken it immediately to Best Buy to snake some cool Beats by Dre. Whenever people go out of their way to seem like heroes it’s a pretty solid indication they are self-serving assholes. That goes for both of them.

The Full House Reunion Sounds Painful

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

Fullhouse

Much of the original cast of the aggressively cheesy sitcom Full House are onboard to revive the show. Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier and others have all signed on to reprise their heart warming characters. No word yet from the kids with all the eating disorders and drug addictions. To be clear, they don’t just want to do a special reunion episode, they want to turn Full House into a show again. Full House re-runs still garner good ratings, proving the American public’s appetite for decades old generic shlock remains solid. John Stamos actually owns a piece of the Full House franchise which explains his lack of willingness to brainstorm an original idea. Former cast member Lori Laughlin is not convinced rehashing an already terrible show is a great move:

“Sometimes I think that it’s better off to leave those TV shows as they were and not do reunion shows.”

Whoa, sounds like some uppity bitch is blessed with artistic integrity. Expect a change of heart when Stamos makes it clear she can purchase a new yacht for the price of swallowing her pride. Some fans of Full House will probably have their childhoods shattered by the inevitably bland and unfunny remake, but if you were a huge fan of Full House growing up, your childhood probably sucked anyway because you were intensely dull and without friends.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Justin Bieber Seems To Be Under Investigation an Awful Lot

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 6:12 AM

Bieb

Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted robbery because he tried to grab a chick’s cell phone. The Shrinky Dink gangster was apparently at Dave and Buster’s with Selena Gomez on a step stool whispering in her ear about how he owned her vagina. Some girl started recording the couple so Bieber tried to snatch her phone, but failed because he has the muscle mass of a six year old. He never laid hands on the girl or managed to get the phone so it seems like a completely pointless investigation. It’s possible the chick is just looking for attention, or that she’s mildly retarded since she’s fascinated with Justin Bieber. If we lived in a more civilized society, we’d strap some razor blade covered gloves on Bieber and the girl, lock them in a chain link cage, and let the Fates decide who walks out and who is carried out. Is there anybody who wouldn’t watch that? I’d actually buy the DVD.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Suge Knight Ain’t Talking

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Suge-Knight-With-Cigar
According to unreliable TMZ reports that actually make sense, Suge Knight told authorities he didn’t see anything or anyone related to being shot between two and six times at Chris Brown’s fun times pre-VMA’s party. Suge Knight is old school. He’s no snitch. When he tells the police he didn’t see shit, that means he knows exactly who tried to off him. As if mere bullets could ever stop Suge Knight. He’s half Lycan, half chili-cheese fries. I wouldn’t normally promote vigilante justice, but Suge Knight is a pretty experienced vigilante. This won’t be his first kill. Maybe a few bystanders will get clipped too, but that’s not much different than police collateral damage these days. An eye for an eye and a bullet for a bullet. When fat Suge Knight rises, you are already dead.

Photo credit: Splash News

Natalia Proza In A Swimsuit For 138 Water

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Natalia Proza In A Swimsuit For A 138 Water Photo Shoot In Malibu
The devious intergalactic ass inspecting colonizers from this phony 138 Water campaign are back and they’ve got Russian whores with them. There’s no known defense to Russian women born on the steppe and trained in the ancient brothels along the Irtysh river. We almost lost the cold war to the unchecked power of those ambitious whores. Now they’re being targeted on us by these demonic soul possessors from beyond the stars. Someday, you will recognize this bogus water marketing scheme for the human race ending cataclysm that it is. But you’ll probably have a Caucus mountains girls lips wrapped around your jimmy so you’ll simply not care. That’s how Earth goes dark.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sofia Vergara’s Tits Deserve Better And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 26, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

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The Internet got its collective panties in a bunch after last night’s Emmys because of an unfunny bit with Sofia Vergara. The Television Academy President literally put her on a spinning pedestal to show their commitment to always giving viewers something interesting to look at. Feminists got pissed because of how the showcase degraded Vergara as a woman. Vergara, who earned over $30 million last year for having nice tits and an exotic accent, had no comment.

Read about all about the made up hoopla. (Dlisted)

Selena Gomez shakes her cleavage on Instagram and it is oddly hypnotic. (Popoholic)

The bad guy from the bad Star Wars movies may return. (COED)

J-Lo and Iggy Azalea show off their asses to sell records. (Huffington Post)

Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend lets her watch his kids. He must not love them. (The Superficial)

Natalia Proza dribbling water on herself in a swimsuit? Yes, please! (Hollywood Tuna)

Man, I’m fucking sick of this ice bucket bullshit…wait…Playboy Playmates dumping cold water on themselves? (Busted Coverage)

(Photo Via Slate)