Miley Cyrus Is Fresh Out of Ideas

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 5:02 PM

First she teased and then she showed her tits and then she got on a horse and showed her tis and then she got on stage and started fingering her taint and kissed Katy Perry and grinded Robin Thicke out of his marriage. Now Miley Cyrus has run completely out of ideas. She’s Instagramming blurry photos of herself holding her tiny tits. She’s not even drinking her own urine or getting a FUCK YOU tattoo. That won’t do. We need some kind of online suggestion box where people can upload their ideas for ways for Miley to get back into the spotlight. We can blacklist phrases like cunt bomb to keep her feelings from getting hurt. It’s crowd sourcing, it’s the wave of the future. It could keep Miley going until 22.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Instagram

Khloe Kardashian Has A Rapper Boyfriend Too

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:51 PM

Khloe Kardashian might be soupy in the intellect, but she knows what wins in the Kardashian family — dating thuggish black rappers into Versace. She tried following Kim’s lead into black athletes only to land the world’s biggest coke fiend. Now, she’s bagged French Montana who I immediately confused with Laurence Fisburne’s porn star daughter, Montana. When you’re a big shot rhymer, you’re going to earn some enemies, like the guy who shot French in the head ten years ago. Also, his ex-wife who has been using the press to warn Khloe that her baby daddy left her and their son the minute he got famous, wasn’t willing to pay child support, and was generally just a giant a-hole. French hardly ever sees his son; he didn’t even visit when the four year old was in the hospital:

But opportunistic love triumphs all in Khloe’s family. Though the Senior Kardashian Counsel on Making Even More Money has yet to fully vet French Montana as to his reality show and merchandising worthiness.

‘The whole family is worried,’ a friend of Khloé’s tells Life & Style. ‘They think she’s headed down the same path she did with her ex, Lamar Odom.’

Besides running a rap label called Cocaine City Records, being an absentee parent, and hanging with strippers and drug dealers, what reminds you of Lamar? Khloe may never conceive of an original thought in her life, but she does innately understand that her mom doesn’t love her as much as her legitimate born first two daughters. She’s got to do something. And something stupid is better than nothing, right? Once O.J. dies and Kris Jenner’s horrible secret dies with him, it really might be time to put Khloe down.

Selena Gomez Just Can’t Quit Her Little Man

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Selena Gomez Makes A Late Night Visit To Justin Bieber In Miami
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nancy Grace Saves The World Again

By Jack April 11, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Screeching harpy Nancy Grace ambushed wrestling legend Diamond Dallas Page on her TV show about the death of the Ultimate Warrior. Nancy immediately launched into a shrill rant on steroid use in professional wrestling and how that obviously led to Warrior’s premature death. DDP kept trying to turn the discussion of the recently departed back to his friend and most recent inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame but he was backed into the turnbuckle by Nancy’s plaintive howls. DDP claims show producers duped him with a series of more honorific topics to be covered that was merely a ruse for Nancy Grace to hear herself saving the world again. We get it. Steroids are bad. Just like drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and fast food and soda and porn and all the other really fun stuff in life that everybody has known are bad for you instinctively since time immemorial, and media panic wise for at least several decades. I guess you could have a doctor on for lecture number ten thousands on how extracting juice from a horse’s balls and shooting it into your neck until your muscles bulge and your own sac shrinks to the size of a boiled peanut isn’t such a good idea. Or I guess you could bring on the good friend of a guy who just died and ask him to be your straw man for  a tired screed. I’d choose options three. Put Nancy in the Diamond Cutter until the caps on her teeth pop off.

Prince Jackson Seems Normal

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 2:14 PM

Prince Jackson Holds Hands With His Girlfriend Nikita Bess In Beverly Hills
The human fallout from Neverland Ranch rivals that of Fukushima, only Japanese people with glowing tumors at least have a medical fighting chance. The kids who swung the pedophile play structure at Michael Jackson’s private retreat for pubescent exploration are never to be cured. Even McCauley Caulkin who didn’t get finger shtupped never quite got over being left out of the Jesus Juice games. Prince Jackson seems kind of normal. He’s the oldest of Michael’s three kids, along with daughter Paris and however you would gender define Blanket. Prince seems to be the lone survivor. He’s kind of a normal teen who likes to take his pudgy girlfriend to the movies or to the mall. His bio mom Debbie Rowe is trying to get custody of Prince, along with Paris and the aforementioned amphibious-appendaged Blanket even though it came out of a different test tube than her two bio kids. The former dental assistant has an inkling that the Jackson family is a fucked up group of soul and cash sucking fiends and even though she was never supposed to be a parent to the kids, now she wants to rescue them. Especially from Jermaine who she says is super creepy. When a woman says a man is super creepy in regard to children, that’s a polite way of saying she thinks he diddles kids. But expect that not shocking Jackson family revelation to only come out if the custody hearing gets nasty. It’s been months since we had a good Jackson family trial. I’m ready.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Naya Rivera Prefers the Short Leash

By Jack April 11, 2014 @ 12:50 PM

Glee star and spicy empanada Naya Rivera seems to be the reason she and Big Sean broke up. The fairy tale romance ended this week when Big Sean’s publicist released a statement saying he kicked her fine ass to the curb. Rumor has it that the reason was because she is a crazy controlling succubus with hypnotically empowered new titties. Apparently, Naya demanded to know where Sean was at all times, was constantly texting and calling him, and was pathologically jealous of any woman he worked with. She would threaten to ruin his career if he didn’t oblige her insecurities She also Tweeted an accusation saying that Big Sean had stolen her Rolexes. Why would a rich dude steal a tiny woman’s Rolex? To use it as a $5000 cock ring that tells time? It just goes to show you that women be crazy at all socio-economic levels. Thanks to the feminist movement, you can now find girls who will cut your dick off in your sleep working anywhere from graveyard shift at the donut shop all the way up to corporate CEOs. If I were Big Sean I’d beef up my security. A dick is the kind of thing you want to keep around until at least fifty.

Constance Nunes Is a Wet Hot Trap

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 12:43 PM

Constance Nunes In Daisy Dukes And A Crop Top For A 138 Water Photoshoot In Malibu
Putting hot Hispanic women on the side of the road with their hoods up is only the latest sinister trick executed by The Others fronting as the 138 Water Company. There’s nobody who can resist a Spanish speaking chick in shorts having car troubles. Sure, you stereotyping cretins will ask why she doesn’t phone one of her seventeen cousins who works in the auto repair and towing industries to come help her change out her belts. But most of us would stop and pretend to help so we could watch her pour water on her tits to help cool her radiator. And that will be the last time anyone ever hears from you, until a child three miles away finds a vivisected human carcass and single eyeball scarred with horrific sights.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Minnie Driver Quits Twitter

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 12:22 PM

Minnie Driver Steps Out Of The Pool In A Bikini In Miami
Minnie Driver didn’t really like the unflattering comments she received on her recent bikini pictures so she’s leaving Twitter.

First off, boo fucking hoo. Criticism really is tragic. Here’s how social media works, Minnie. You are either naturally good looking in which case a ton of men will tell you how fucking hot you are all the time and assume you’re smiley face emoticons mean they will soon be boning you in their parents basement, or you build up an army of sycophants, estranged young cutters and tubbies who will back you blindly like you’re marching toward Jerusalem to free the Holy City. Your army is weak, Minnie Driver. So unless you start posting half naked selfies doing shots with your besties in Cancun, people are going to point out that your rose tattoo is a good six inches lower than when we last saw it a few years ago. Quitting Twitter is so 2012.

Photo Credit:, Splash