Proving that no Sharon Osbourne vagina story is a good Sharon Osbourne vagina story, the cackling talk show maven managed to burp out on British TV that he’s had some work done tightening up her lady cave. Civil engineers used pretty much the same process employed to shore up the New Orleans levees to make Sharon’s snatch feel less like a bowl of decomposing pudding and more like the vice gripping kegel beast that kept Ozzy coming back even when he could barely remember his own name. Sharon called the process excruciating. The physician who had to laser back her undulating meat curtains agreed.
I can’t believe I nearly missed a Ukranian feminist topless civil action. Those crazy Eastern bloc terriers are out to make this world a better place by slathering their bare tits in paint and screaming their heads off about abortion or fur or trees or why Lena Dunham can’t get a network show when she’s so smart and amazing. Here the lively gals are disrupting a Pro Life rally in Madrid. The ladies of FEMEN are not down with anybody fettering their ability to suck fetuses out of their angry pie holes through a vending machine in the local bodega. It looks like these trendy gals finally got somebody with decent printing skills to cover their bodies in slogans. It’s often the little things like penmanship that make or break a topless feminist protest movement.
Photo Credit: Getty
The Kardashians take their annual Christmas card rather seriously. This isn’t just Bo and Sissy and the kids in color coordinated jumpers on the beach with the beagle. This is a pointed portrait of self-expression and worth. Hence, the family figures out a way to look like pompous shitbuckets every Yuletide. This year, they upped their game by hiring legit photographer David LaChapelle to create a Hollywood whorescape for the girls only, and Bruce, the submissive tranny locked the Habitrail to the far right. It’s not so much that the guys didn’t want to be in the picture as it was they couldn’t take away ten hours from banging women who don’t give them the heebie jeebies to be a part of this laborious process. The Christmas photo itself will be mailed out to Kris’ industry list and also superimposed with price tags below each girl to be used a menu ordering system for oil rich sultans in the U.A.E.
Photo Credit: David LaChapelle/eonline.com
Like many people, I find the holiday times can bring on severe blues that can really only be solved by drinking seasonal spirits and fervently masturbating to girls in Santa’s helper outfits. Even the Grinchiest of Grinches will find his dick growing three sizes looking at hot women exploiting the birth of Jesus to flash their tits and ass in seasonal wear. Fa-who Forays. Welcome Christmas.
Here’s a lesson learned in life. People will put up with you being a total asshole if you’re rich or powerful or can help them with shit or they even think you can help them with shit. At some point, people used to brown nose Roseanne Barr and tell her her shit didn’t stink, even though it was smeared over a large swath of the lower half of her large torso where she couldn’t quite reach with the paper. Then it all went away and Roseanne went crazy and started burying cans of mixed nuts in her backyard and covering her grisly vagina in heavy duty aluminum wrap to keep out the alien X-rays. Let’s call this period of her life, the past two decades. Now, because Hollywood loves a comeback story and also not coming up with new ideas, Roseanne is being given a new NBC sitcom. She got so excited she drank a bottle of paint thinner and hit up Twitter with her cunty outage:
“I’ve ben disrespected and ripped off by Hollywood. fuck hollywood. fuck every stupid prick there. Misogynist classist white colonial fuck. fuck these hollywood anti semite bitched jewish women loathing fucktards… the women in hollywood cannot fall to their knees to suck dick fast enough.”
In short, Hollywood is being ruined by Jewish women hating Jewish women who love oral. Roseanne wasn’t finished with her glue sniffing rant, because she felt a need to take on super gay Anderson Cooper for no apparent reason:
“censor this shit u fucking prick motherfuckinging asshole dispshit banjkster whores of Hollywood neo con anti semites. ANDERSON COOPER IS A TOAD.”
Later, Roseanne admitted that she has mental health issues, apologized for drinking and Tweeting, then everybody had a good laugh over the idea that Jewish women are quick to give head.
Photo Credit: Getty
There’s really no better way to show the courts that you’re a fit parent than to spend the Thanksgiving holiday banging a porn star in your Cabo hotel room. It screams good daddy. I guess you could make it worse by Tweeting all about it like Charlie Sheen did, reminding people that while his TV shows and children may be taken away from him, they’ll never get his money or his coke or his Brazzers pussy. I think there’s something noble about that but I’m still trying to figure it out.
You can see some of Brett Rossi’s acting talents above (it stops before the boffing, just fyi), or see the few moments she and Charlie left their hotel room over the long weekend below. Or, you can just wonder to yourself if you could yell out the name ‘Brett’ while having sex and not feel at least a little gay.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
America’s favorite baby mama, Kim Kardashian, is tired of people saying she is a shitty mother. Ever since she yelped out Kanye West’s bastard child from her lower gaping maw in June, she’s seems to have gone on with her life as if nothing happened. She still follows Kanye around on tour like a groupie star banger, taking selfies in the bathroom without her underpants on before shows. In response to some Twitter follower accusing her of not spending enough time with daughter North West, she replied with,
“@jlmcbryde u sound so ignorant. Bc I don’t tweet or instagram my every move w my daughter means I am not with her 247? We share what we want. Or is it bc I go support my fiance at every show & I post pix? When the baby goes down 4 bed or a nap, parents are allowed 2 work & support each other, maybe even have fun too.”
Yes, you marble-brained phonetic speller. This is all hate on you for being a supportive working mom. And you’re only leaving your kid when she’s napping. Like when she conveniently napped for a week so you could go to Paris Fashion Week and get free samples. Or the seven hour power naps she takes thrice daily to allow you time to make up and wardrobe your reality show jaunts. It’s wonderful how you travel with your baby daddy to support his show because Kanye really needs your constant care. In contrast. infants have been found surviving in natural disaster rubble almost forty-eight hours on their own provided temperatures don’t drop in the evenings.
No matter how long she tried to play the clean and sober role or pretend like she just wanted to focus on a normal, mature adult life, it was only a matter of time before the crazy Lindsay Lohan news started popping up again. According to TMZ, Lohan’s lawyers are in the process of suing Rock Star Games, the makers of the immensely popular and successful Grand Theft Auto franchise, because she thinks that there are characters in Grand Theft Auto V that represent her and her likeness, possibly including the cartoon girl above who looks nothing like Lindsay.
There’s a mission in the game that involves a female celebrity who needs to avoid the paparazzi, and another that requires the user to take pictures of a female celebrity having sex, so naturally those represent Lindsay, because she’s the only jackass female celebrity on the planet. But unless either of those missions features the female’s middle-aged drunken mother whoring her daughters for money, I think that Rock Star will get off.