By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 11:28 AM
Sienna Miller was in a Clint Eastwood movie last year but that didn’t disqualify her from being named a panelist on the jury of the Cannes Film Festival. In that role, she will have to pretend to watch twenty-seven tiresome films, at least half of which will involve an Iranian girl losing her only pair of shoes to Western imperialism. Sean Penn will scream and Kate Winslet will cry but that girl will not get back her fucking shoes. Smartly, Sienna is hanging out at that famous Eden Roc hotel near Cannes trying to use the pool before Victoria Silvstedt arrives and fouls the water with old man creampie. Sienna’s family wisely moved her to England as a young child when they realized a New York seven was a London ten. She’s done well for herself. There, I said something nice. Pass the baguettes.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
Turns out Ben Affleck’s great-great-great grandfather wasn’t just a minor slave owner, he held a couple dozen African-Americans to his name, mostly inherited from his mother-in-law who also gave him her gravy boat and a portrait of a cat. Nobody gives a shit about Ben Affleck’s grand-pappy in Georgia investing in slavery except for Ben Affleck because being a righteous Brentwood warrior means never having to say you’re a hypocrite when labeling others as racists and haters. Affleck penned a letter to the PBS show embarrassing famous white people with their genealogy asking them to edit his slave owning relative Benjamin Cole out of the program. He wrote on Facebook that he was shocked and horrified to learn he had a slave owner relative because that’s something you say when you want to still be able to go on television and call people Islamophobes for noting that 99.9% of terrorists are Muslim. It’s complicated being right in your mind all the time. Probably should’ve held onto those slaves. You just can’t share your problems with the Central American immigrant house staff like you could your long serving negroes. Chicken George always knew the right words to say.
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
Salma Hayek and a bunch of incredibly fortune female film industry cohorts joined forces in Cannes to speak about rampant sexism in Hollywood and the worldwide movie industry leaving no chance for a sister to make it out of the hood. According to the klatch of women in film, the movie business doesn’t allow women to direct or star in movies and merely forces them to be topless horror victims and humiliate them on set for not being able to bench press their own weight. Salma Hayek can’t help but wonder if the poor showing of her niche product independent films playing obscure historical figures is related to sexism and women being put in little tiny boxes where their big fake tits barely fit. But, there is yet for the suffragettes:
“What gives me hopes is that we [women] are in a position of power. And I am so grateful to gay men. If it wasn’t for Tennessee Williams and Pedro Almodovar, it would be even worse.”
Naturally. Straight men and Joss Whedon being born evil and impotent and what not. Hayek also suggested as a backup plan to marry a French billionaire who likes to bang babies into supermodels. It can’t hurt for those periods when you’re having to work ten times as hard as gimpy male midgets to find roles in Hollywood. The women all agreed that the widely anticipated Cannes premiered film Carol, a lesbian love story by Todd Haynes set in the 1950′s would be the final determinant of whether or not films for women were actually going to be accepted by the movie audience at large. The one guy in the room serving the tea cakes chuckled to himself.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 9:29 AM
Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez’s signature shrill voice and super duper Latina Latina-ness convinced her it was time to run for U.S. Senate. Speaking to a gathering of Indian-Americans in the California Democratic caucus, or, precisely three people, Sanchez opened with a rousing tale about being called by an Indian-American political activist who wanted to support her campaign for a reason nobody could even make up. Sanchez wanted to land a funny ha-ha so she reminded her scant audience that this was Indian-American as in dark skinned Spelling Bee domination, not Indian-American whoop whoop me scalp you with me tomahawk Indian-American. She mimed the signature cliche Native American tribal vocalization made famous in racist cartoons since Disney could draw. Sanchez’ opponent, who happens to be half Indian-American (oh, press the fuck me I’m fucked button) called Sanchez’ mockery to be as horrible as the Holocaust or carbon dioxide emissions then laughed because she just won the election.
Sanchez apologized and reminded everybody that she doesn’t work from pre-prepared speeches which only made her seem more stupid. Even a monkey will hop on a tiny little monkey bicycle when he needs to get somewhere fast. Her staff and volunteers ran as fast as they could to any reporter’s microphone to play down the racist moment:
[Loretta Sanchez] would never be racist against anyone. She embraces all diversity. I think she thought she was being funny and didn’t realize there were people who would be offended.
You’d have to search for up to one half of a second to find the hypocrisy in that explanation. Maybe less time if you’d seen Sanchez decry the Washington Redskins team name. She is Latina, which by laws of quantum physics means she can’t be racist, no matter how many black and Jewish and wampum trader jokes she makes. This could’ve been a teachable moment for Sanchez to remind everybody to lighten the fuck up, but instead she and the We Pals gang decided to double down on preaching political correctness and hope this one passed. We once hunted the buffalo. Now, we live on a reservation of whores. Today, we are all injuns.
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 8:52 AM
Remember when you couldn’t sleep without the lights on because Uma Thurman disfigured her face and it reminded you of the time you watched your ceramic monkey melt in the house fire your dad lit for insurance? If you’d listened to the Eastern European human trafficking experts on surgically altering faces, they all said, you need to give the face time to settle. Colonel Steve Austin didn’t clock sixty miles an hour during his first bionics test run. Uma Thurman looks great now. Not fake great like her supporters pretending she didn’t resemble a frightened marsupial post-surgery. But real young woman cheek bones and tits great. I’m happy for her and the process. Move your IMDB birthday up ten to fifteen years and get some leading roles in movies Hollywood doesn’t make for women.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 8:36 AM
Mama June from the Retards Make Welfare Babies reality show hosted an evening at the Crazy Horse strip club triangulated between seventeen telemarketing operations in Florida. Even understanding that asking an obese product of incest to serve as the face of your strip club is something of a novelty, I’d still call this horrible idea. A close second only to Crabs and Scabs night. Men don’t go to strip clubs for an ironic chuckle or to see a stomach turning churl work the pole. They want damaged skinny chicks you wouldn’t turn your head for in the light of day to fill their pockmarks with Bondo and shimmy naked beneath extremely forgiving lights. Strip clubs are human vending machines. Nobody’s pressing B17 for the Greasy Shart Bar. Put the Kit-Kats back and quit fucking with science.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt May 18, 2015 @ 8:19 AM
The University of Houston paid Matthew McConaughey $135,000 to deliver a commencement speech to their graduating class who at some point must have wondered why their tuition was high. You’ll soon be unemployed and McConaughey’s cornball platitudes make for great cardboard sign material. The University received some backlash when it was discovered they were wasting people’s money but they stand by their decision because McConaughey generates a lot of publicity, as would the Dean if he sucked his own dick on the news. McConaughey has a tenuous connection to the university because his dad played football there and he also banged a few coeds after his speech. He says he will be donating the money to charity because he desperately wants to seem likable and will also be suing the shit out of whoever leaked his appearance fee. The speech itself was filled with head scratchers but still received a standing ovation because effort should be rewarded even if coming from an under-qualified mimbo:
“We write our own book, overcoming our fears. We make friends with ourselves. And that is the place that I’m talking about.”
Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I can’t remember who spoke at my college graduation because I was black out drunk but I’m going out on a limb and claim it was a scientist. If Bob Saget had been available I might have sobered up. The lord works in mysterious ways. He won an Oscar.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt May 18, 2015 @ 7:55 AM
For reasons which will never be fully explained, Mitt Romney and Evander Holyfield participated in an exhibition boxing match to cure blindness. Once in a generation something happens that’s so weird you have to either ignore it or go on medication. Somewhere out there a dude is losing friends because he can’t stop talking about this. I know high risk behavior can lead to HIV infection. No I didn’t use a condom. Her name was Jade and she works Sunday-Thursday. Please shut the fuck up now.
During the fight, Romney knocked down Holyfield who then charged at him and someone threw in the towel because those people can be unpredictable. If you find surrendering during a pretend boxing match to be exceptionally lame you clearly don’t closely follow the life of Mitt Romney. Romney looks really fucking good for being 68 years of age. Holyfield looks good for a man who’s quite impossibly had eleven kids by thirteen different women. Both better than my buddy Greg who’s in his mid thirties although he drinks a shit load of Walker Black and doesn’t wear magic underwear. Maybe the Mormons are onto something. Should you attend Holyfield’s funeral don’t mention this. It will show up on his scan.