My Lifestyle Choice: I Proactively Cut Off My Nads

By Lex May 15, 2013 @ 2:22 PM

After coming to the conclusion that I had the genetic predisposition for not getting laid with any frequency, I went ahead and secretly had my nutmeat removed at a downtown area Holistic Healing and Chinese Take-Out place. As a younger man, I had to witness as my own father struggled to get laid and how badly he suffered for it. I don’t want to go through that. I certainly don’t want to do that to the people around me who will have to hear me bitch and moan like a dude does when he gets no action. You know, all edgy and getting in bar fights over nothing. Who needs that? I don’t feel any different nor do I see myself any differently now after the procedure. I mean, yeah, I am missing my bobos, that’s hard not to notice. And did I cry for an hour after seeing an old man feed bread crumbs to pigeons in the park. But besides that, it’s mostly the same.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all the supportive letters you’re about to write.

Jennifer Nicole Lee Comes Pre-Moistened

By Lex May 15, 2013 @ 1:30 PM

Jennifer Nicole Lee In Bikini And Wet T Shirt At The Beach In Florida
I’m sure there’s a good reason why celebrity fitness instructor Jennifer Nicole Lee is pouring water over her chest. I’m sure I don’t care to know why. When girls desperately seek attention, you ought just give it to them. Especially when it involves wet boobs. Just STFU and thank the Good Lord for what he made.

Here’s Jennifer Nicole Lee getting sweaty in a workout. She used to be really fat until she realized there’s no money in being fat, not without a talk show.

Photo Credit: Splash

Victoria’s Secret Wants to Know What Is Sexy

By Lex May 15, 2013 @ 12:48 PM

Adriana Lima Lily Aldridge And Behati Prinsloo At What Is Sexy List In Santa Monica
When Victoria’s Secret runs a campaign called ‘What Is Sexy?’ They obviously want you to circle your answer back to buying more of their underwear. But, to me, the real answer is, slave labor. Slave labor is sexy as hell. Who can forget the reports on slave like working conditions in the V.S. subcontractor factories in the Middle East filled with Bangladeshi girls? A locked down industrial park in Jordan might just seem like an exotic adventure to a chick from the suburbs of Dhaka. It’s like being transported right into an Emmanuelle movie.

Workers are allowed just 3.3 minutes to sew each $14 Victoria’s Secret women’s bikini, for which they are paid four cents.

Sure, it’s four cents per unit, but if you could shave just 3 minutes off of your time on each piece, all of a sudden you’re talking minimum wage. These lazy girls from Bangladesh just need to learn to apply themselves. Less crying about missing your pet monkey and more pumping of the sewing machine pedal from your booster seat. Just knowing that the quiet desperation of Southeast Asian girls are soaked into every bikini and pair of panties — now that’s sexy. Also, anything on Adriana Lima.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, WENN

Melissa Joan Hart Gets Ass Kicking On Kickstarter

By Jack May 15, 2013 @ 11:55 AM

Melissa Joan Hart is emoting sadness after her Kickstarter campaign to finance a film failed miserably. Melissa was asking for a mere $2 million but only raised $51,605. The film is called Darci’s Walk of Shame and if the opening doesn’t draw you in, nothing will…

Darci Baker is a thirty-something schoolteacher who’s really looking forward to traveling with her boyfriend to attend her sister’s wedding in Thailand. Except for the fact that she’s just been informed that budget cuts are likely to make her an ex-schoolteacher. And on her way to the airport, she happens to catch her boyfriend in bed with their travel agent, which instantly makes him her ex-boyfriend.

Wow, budgets cuts to her school and a cheating boyfriend. In case you were wondering what Millennial women who watch cable TV worry about at night, that’s it right there. The entire plot sounds like a female, less funny version of Hangover II, and that’s saying something. Add to that no titties or swearing and you have a Melissa Joan Hart movie just perfect for ABC Family. And ABC Family isn’t interested.

Kylie Bisutti Is Still Yapping About Victoria’s Secret

By Travis May 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

After former model Kylie Bisutti started making the TV rounds to promote her new book, “I’m No Angel: From Victoria’s Secret Model to Role Model”, her one-time employer was quick to defend the company’s reputation by clarifying that she had only worked for Victoria’s Secret one time. So technically, the title of Kylie’s book is 100 percent accurate, because she was never an Angel, but Victoria’s Secret reps are still upset that the model-turned-promoter-of-faith has brought so much negative attention to them.

This is all great news for Kylie, naturally, as she was invited back to the Today Show yesterday to respond to Victoria’s Secret’s claims of bullshit attention whoredom, and she told host Savannah Guthrie that this was never about Victoria’s Secret, but the modeling industry as a whole. You see, it’s just a coincidence that the title uses both the term Angel and the name Victoria’s Secret. But I’m sure that’s all someone else’s fault, too. After all, no one can judge our book titles but God.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Gisele + Yoga = Wonderful

By Travis May 15, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

For as much praise as I heap on Heidi Klum for keeping it tight after 39 years and four kids, Victoria’s Secret supermodel Gisele Bündchen seems to be doing fine in her own right at 32 with two kids. In fact, Gisele posted the above pic to her Facebook page yesterday to show off her daily yoga routine and remind everyone that her tits look fantastic in spandex.

In fact, I’d even say that Gisele has done a better job at staying in shape and looking amazing than Heidi, because Gisele is married to a star NFL quarterback who already left one girl when she was pregnant so the threat is always there that Tom Brady could just decide that he wants to spend the next five years on Leonardo DiCpario’s sex yacht, spraying his stink all over every 19-year old lingerie model from here to Chechnya.

Again, that’s just hypothetical, but Gisele might want to throw an extra crunch into today’s workout just in case.

Rumors Running Wild That Beyonce Is Fake Pregnant Again

By Lex May 15, 2013 @ 9:30 AM

New York Post rumors are basically one guy in their newsroom making up celebrity shit for some other guy in the newsroom and next thing you know, there it is, anonymous sources stating that Beyonce is probably hiding her second baby from the public. You may recall that Beyonce responded to rumors of her first pregnancy by hiring a girl off Craigslist to ‘make her a pretty baby that don’t cry so much.’ But the baby turned out too pretty. So Beyonce bought a $21,000 crib to chain the baby to so she could go out on the town without having to worry about stupid face Blue Ivy showing up and hogging all the attention. That seems like a lot of work to do all over again.

OJ Simpson Looks Like Hell

By Travis May 15, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

OJ Simpson was back in court yesterday asking for a retrial of his 2008 conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery, after he and a group of armed men went after two sports memorabilia dealers that OJ had accused of stealing from him. The 65-year old former NFL star is claiming that his then-attorney, Yale Galanter, fed him terrible advice during the original trial and possibly even failed to tell him about a plea deal that would have landed the Juice in prison for only two years, instead of his current sentence of 33 years that will likely see him die behind bars.

Friends and family attended yesterday’s hearing, and they reportedly couldn’t believe how tired and beaten OJ looked from spending five years in prison, to which Fred Goldman replied, “Yeah, it’s just awful” before delivering another crate of porn and cigarettes to the Lovelock Correctional Center in Las Vegas.

(Photo Credit: Getty)