Morrissey Still An Obnoxious Pussy

By Jack February 28, 2013 @ 6:11 PM

Wussy singer Morrissey cancelled his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Why? Because he was going to have to share the stage with the yokel superstars from Duck Dynasty. Morrissey is one of those radical vegetarian animal rights guys. The bearded rednecks from Duck Dynasty make duck hunting equipment and the Ex-Smiths singer decided that was too much for him. He called them “Animal serial killers“.

While I could honestly give a flying rat fuck whether or not this mincing limey is on TV, I am pretty sick of these broccoli munchers enforcing their morality on the rest of us. I eat meat. Why? Because it’s fucking delicious and it’s allowed us humans to develop bigger brains than our grass cud chewing competition.

If you want to live off of organic steamed kale, that’s your business. I’m going to eat a chunk of cow that died screaming. If Morissey doesn’t like it, he can come and stop me. Oh wait, he’s too weak from anemia.

Erin Heatherton Doesn’t Belong In Mexico City

By Travis February 28, 2013 @ 5:02 PM

Erin Heatherton is a gorgeous, blonde, wealthy 23-year old American supermodel and Victoria’s Secret Angel. Mexico is one of the most dangerous countries in the world and the home of an ongoing drug war that has cartel soldiers leaving severed heads in the streets and attacking and raping tourists in major resorts at will. Therefore, it is not a very good idea for Erin to be hanging out in Mexico City.

But duty calls for smoking hot supermodels, and if they’re not spreading wide for Leonardo DiCaprio, then they need to be hitting the runway. And that’s why Erin was down in Mexico City yesterday for the Liverpool Fashion Fest, where she blew kisses to the crowd and hopefully left a cloud of smoke shaped like her perky tits and ass as she hauled it to the airport before the cartel gangs showed up for “recruitment”.

(Photo Credits: Splash)

Ke$ha Is Still Disgusting

By Travis February 28, 2013 @ 2:36 PM

Despite the fact that she looks like a wet fart wrapped in a gym sock, Ke$ha is still inexplicably popular as a pop singer. Maybe it’s just that there’s a huge piss-drinking community that we’re all unaware of and she is firmly entrenched in that market like Justin Bieber is with morons. Either way, people still ask Ke$ha questions about her music like she’s some kind of an artist and she gives them horrible answers because she’s awful.

The latest question is about her song, “Gold Trans Am”, which should be about her car, but it’s actually about making men’s dicks fall off.

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Kelly Brook Wears a Short Dress So You Can See Her Crotch

By Ellis Red February 28, 2013 @ 1:45 PM

Girls who wear short dresses simply get more attention from guys than girls who do not. If fashion designers weren’t almost entirely chicks and gay dudes, there’d be no need to discuss what hem line length was in from season to season, because every season would be ‘as short as fucking possible’.

You can’t hide shit in a short dress, a girl can’t even hide her crotch when she’s climbing in and out of cars, especially if she has some meat in the ass that rides that sucker up. It’s a brave choice. It often goes horribly wrong. On Kelly Brook, it’s all good.

Photo credit: WENN/Bauer-Griffin/PCN

Maria Menounos Is Good Looking, Does Yoga

By Steve G. February 28, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

Women who try to talk sports and act like they’re “just one of the guys” are possibly the most miserable kind of people on earth to be around. I’d rather drag my tongue across Bruce Vilanch’s taint for an entire game than put up with any of their commentary. Unless of course they look like Maria Menounos. Which goes to show you ladies If you have a tight body, an amazing ass, and do poses in yoga pants you could smell how Chaz Bono looks for all anyone cares and guys will still put up with you. So, take note fatties, no one respects you.

Goodbye, Pope Benedict, We Hardly Knew Ya’

By Ellis Red February 28, 2013 @ 12:49 PM

Today is not the day to be bitching about how Pope Benedict oversaw the largest child buggery conspiracy in the history of the world. How he spent his time in the clergy ordering the cover-ups of an endless line of priests butt-raping an endless line of boys in the rectory, the scope and magnitude of his pedophiliac perpetrations so vast and inconceivably horrid that people have all but forgotten to bring up his young adulthood time in the Hitler Youth (and you’ve got to rape a bunch of kids before people suddenly remember to forget your Hitler connections).

Nope. Today is not the day for that. So here’s your gold watch and a set of golf clubs, Pope Benedict. Enjoy the sunsets.

Brandi Glanville Has A Book? It Will Be A Movie?

By Steve G. February 28, 2013 @ 12:27 PM

Omg just had a talk about turning my book in2 a movie! Maybe we should pitch it to Lifetime ;) An unromantic comedy! #pinchme,”

I have no clue who Brandi Glanville is. I guess her claim to fame was getting dumped by Eddie Cibrian (who I also have no ides who the fuck he is) and then pretending to be bummed about it as she gained national attention and new tits and a new career. Doing what? I don’t know, but she says she wrote a book and now someone wants to turn it into a movie. However, I did just describe every noteworthy part of her life in one sentence. So either someone’s lying or every studio in Hollywood just said fuck it then got together and picked a name out of a hat.

Sex Dolls Won’t Really Catch On Til They Look Like This

By Ellis Red February 27, 2013 @ 6:29 PM

I’ve never understood the draw of those faceless sex toys they sell for men to experience the joy of pussy without having to work or pay or beg for it. I understand the appeal of the ease of access, but I’m in the camp that if you don’t care what you’re sticking your dick into so long as you get off, you’re just a hop, skip, and a jump away from being rousted by the cops at a truck stop glory hole.

Sex dolls for the 99-percent won’t catch on until they look and feel like Maria Menounos. Maybe ten years from now, maybe fifty, but at some point, there are going to be warm, comforting, exact replicas of women like Maria who never say they’re too tired or on the rag or that they know you’d rather fuck their sister than them so why not go and do that. At that point, you’re going to want to have your money in the sex doll companies.

Photo credit: WENN/FameFlynet