Besides looking incredibly attractive in a bikini, Joanna Krupa is also very wise beyond her years. For example, the Real Housewives star and model posted the above selfie pic to her Instagram account yesterday, and normally I’d say that selfies are fucking stupid because they’re usually ruined by girls making dumb, ugly faces. Not Joanna, though. She’s brilliant enough to just cut her face out of the entire picture and focus on the things that really matter in life. People say that education is dead in America, but leave it to the Polish woman to show us we can still learn something new.
Well, it was fun to dream. After her failed run on the UK’s version of Celebrity Big Brother, Courtney Stodden claimed that she was going to stay in London for a while and explore some work opportunities. Apparently that just meant she’d get hammered and have one photo shoot, because otherwise it looks like she’s given up being a nobody in England so she could come back home and pick up where she left off in America, being a punchline. What will be next for Courtney and her husband, Doug Hutchison? Probably an appearance on Celebrity Boxing followed by a ruptured implant lawsuit.
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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were both nominated for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series at the Emmys this year, but neither of the women won the award, as it went to Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep. The irony, of course, is that Tina and Amy are so respected for their comedic performances that they were asked to be a part of Neil Patrick Harris’ opening routine, while the other nominees just sat there and tried not to queef. Tina did win an Emmy for writing, but while her very attractive co-writer gave her acceptance speech, Tina’s nipple sort of popped out of her dress. If this had been five years ago, it might have been more exciting, but now it’s just kind of like seeing my aunt’s tit.
You never want to stop educating yourself. For instance, I just learned that 138 Water is named after 138, which is urban dictionary code for I Love You. I didn’t know there were any entries in the urban dictionary not related to anal farts and messy penetration, but apparently hot kid slang for I Love You is also in there. According to 138 Water literature, the water fills you with Love. Because it has electrolytes. Gatorade has electrolytes too but they’re just pretending to love you because they don’t have a porn star in high heels rubbing her tits on a car.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Don’t think this is because I hate you. Somebody needs to observe the way in which midgets are being abused by Miley Cyrus in the name of entertainment. Not only do these smooshed people have to dress like they ride the short bus to the Lollypop Guild School, at their stature they’re going to be getting a full whiff of Cyrus crotch that I’m told is washed about as often as your average cook staff lave sus manos when leaving the restaurant bathroom. Somebody full sized needs to secure those midgets from beneath the magic mushrooms and avoid the Koopa with the pasties.
I’m starting to dig this Joanna Krupa girl. Even though she married a swarthy man in South Florida who describes himself as a ‘nightclub investor’. You can’t let a dangerous mob husband get in the way of a hot neighbor lady affair. Everybody has to die somehow, why not a meat cleaver buried in your skull from behind as you take it to Joanna Krupa. You’d probably get a Taiwanese cartoon parody out of it.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
A word of advice: avoid Quantas airlines. Not only are the pilots tipping back some Fosters but there are possibly snakes on the plane. Yes, just like the classic Sam Jackson film. A flight leaving Sydney was grounded for several hours when a rat snake was found slithering around the cabin. Officials don’t know where the fuck it came from, which is maybe the scariest part. At least the species is harmless. Earlier this year a 9 foot fucking python was found wandering around a Quantas cabin. I remember watching the Crocodile Hunter, (respect), and him telling us that Australia has some of the most poisonous snakes in the world. I was considering a Quantas flight to India later this year but I prefer not to have the life squeezed out of me or to be bitten in the fucking neck for my trouble. Then again, I’d choose that over seventeen hours in flight with a dominant airplane culture that doesn’t believe in deodorant. I’m looking at you, Air France.