Lindsay Lohan should be in jail today, but only because she’s broken several dozen laws. Luckily for her LA is run by liberal pussies so instead she spent the day at the spa.
Some are suggesting this new hair color is part of a metamorphosis, the fresh start she needs to get sober. A much more likely scenario is that this is her idea of a disguise so the alcohol monitor on her leg won’t recognize her.
You have to always keep in mind that Lindsay is dumb as a rock. She probably thinks the monitor has a picture of her from court, and this will trick it. She’ll turn out all the lights and play some audio from a really loud party, then sneak out and for the rest of the night only talk in a real heavy southern accent. “Dammit I think we lost her,” Lindsay imagines the monitor will say while throwing down its hat.
‘PRINCE OF PERSIA’ - and ‘the Last Airbender’ are being accused of racism because their leads are played by white people. “Are these summer blockbusters racist?”, the Huff Post asks. “I sure do hope so,” I replied before feeling misled. (huff post)
MEGAN FOX - is not the first actress to accuse Michael Bay of being a prick. In fact I heard Claire Forlani had to sleep with him to get a role in ‘the Rock’. That’s just the rumor, and I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but I felt like the attention was shifting away from me for a second. (jezebel)
LINDSAY LOHAN - will still be able to take prescription meds like Ambien and Adderall even though she’s been ordered not to take drugs, and some say those meds are the root of her addiction problem. “You shut your whore mouth,” replied millions of people who take Ambien and Adderall. (tmz)
AVONS BREAST CANCER WALKS - start again this summer and people should go here and help Lauren. That’s what I did because I fucking hate breast cancer. I’ve loved big tits ever since I was like 3. There might as well be a disease that drowns Winnie the Poohs. (walk)
VANESSA HUDGENS - could be in a really hot incest porn with Thandie Newton. Someone look into setting that up.
UFC president Dana White was on Opie and Anthony yesterday, and of course one topic that came up was the domestic abuse charges between Tito “the Huntington Beach Bad Boy” Ortiz and Jenna “the Crazy Drug Addict” Jameson.
If you don’t know, White and Ortiz don’t really like each other. At all. For example one time White apologized because advertising for an upcoming fight had Titos “big ugly gorilla face” on it.
Dana doesn’t really give a fuck, I guess is my point, and he certainly doesn’t give a fuck about Tito Ortiz. And yet not even he believes the claims Jameson made.
So that takes care of that. Maybe now Dana can figure out what to do with Anderson Silva. Make him fight Shogun. I’ve spent at least 200 dollars to watch Anderson in what appears to be Bruce Lee movies, where his opponents flail away and punch the air while Anderson casually ducks to the side. If you just watched the first round of an Anderson Silva fight, you’d think he’d killed a guy once and vowed to never throw another punch no matter what. It’s either that, or the 100 percent opposite, where Anderson just taunts the other guy like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He’s gone insane. Don’t be surprised if Anderson comes out one night in a big southern dress and holding a parasol, then hits his opponent in the face with a pie.
Us magazine must get money from the government or something if an employee commits suicide because they made someone sit down and chronicle Heidi Montags twitter page. And then write an article about it. But whatever because this was the only one I cared about…
“My last surgery was the best decision of my life!” she Twittered. “Anything anyone else says (family members who are trying to make money off of me) is a lie! I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed.”
Dreams really can come true. If you want to be a winner like Heidi, don’t just get implants, get DDD implants. No mainstream company like Johnson and Johnson will make those because they’re scared, but look for implants with a wolverine or grizzly bear on the box, then a number like 5000, or even better 5000 followed by an X. The X stands for xtra-sexxxy.
Various sources, including the Sun, are claiming Victorias Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitely has been offered the female lead in ‘Transformers 3′, a role played by Megan Fox in the first two movies.
The 23-year-old Brit has no acting experience, but it wouldn’t matter anyway because these movies are retarded. John Turturro is a fantastic actor but he still looks like an asshole in these. This chick can’t act, AND is sort of goofy looking. It’s perfect. The working title for this movie should be, ‘Transformers 3: The Audience Can Go Fuck Themselves’.
(note – pretty much every picture after the first 8 are her naked or topless, so act accordingly)
Miley Cyrus arrived in Mexico yesterday and immediately hit the beach in her bikini. This would be cause for celebration but there’s something weird about her body. Some DD’s would really work wonders for her. I know that huge tits are my answer to everything, but I think we should just try it my way and see how it goes. If I’m wrong, hey, no harm done.
This idea is really dumb and really expensive. So, needless to say…
BRITNEY SPEARS wants to be FROZEN after her death – so she can be brought back to life later.
“Brit gets these obsessions and this is the latest.
“It started when someone told her Walt Disney had been preserved by cryogenics to be revived in the future. That was a myth but it got her researching the foundation and she became convinced it was worth a shot.
“Brit found the whole thing so interesting she spent most of her Mother’s Day trip to Disneyland researching the subject on the internet while a nanny took the boys round the park.”
They say she’s gonna drop around $350,000 to become a deep frozen mummy. That seems expensive, but for $250,000 they can turn you into a vacuum sealed wolfman, and for 150 you can be dry-ice vampire. It’s all very scientific as you can see.
LINDSAY LOHAN - says she always intended to return home in time for her court date, yet she couldn’t produce a plane ticket when asked for one in court today. But I bet it’s just an honest mistake. I just get an honest vibe when I look at Lindsay. (radar)
PAUL DEDRICK GRAY - is the bass player for Slipknot, and he was found dead today in a hotel in Iowa. ‘Psychosocial’ is an awesome song, so this bums me out. What if they don’t make any more great music, and I miss out on it. This guy is a real jerk! (msn)
MILEY CYRUS - is in Mexico in a bikini. With her dad, of course. I just hope they’re not eloping. (splash)