Brett Rossi is the Former Porn Star that Stole Charlie Sheen’s Heart

By Travis December 09, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Charlie Sheen’s days of nailing everything with two feet may be numbered, because the 48-year old actor who looks like he’s at least 60 claims that his current girlfriend, former porn star Brett Rossi, is the love of his life. Charlie recently put on a hell of a sickening public display with Brett for everyone with a camera to conveniently witness, but while he’s busy accusing his former porn star girlfriends of stealing money from him, he has also been telling TMZ that Brett is the pot of fake breasts at the end of his jizz-soaked rainbow.

“I’ve been on a lifelong journey, a 1000 century quest, in search of the better and missing half of my heart and my brane (sic),” he wrote with incredible irony, adding, “That expedition is now (rated) ‘a major success’ and beyond the valley of dunn-ski complete. The MaSheen wins again.” So we can all look forward to his incredibly offensive and juvenile rant about Brett when this shit goes south by February.

Photo Credit: Getty

Shakira Knows How to Travel in Style

By Travis December 09, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Shakira arriving at LAX in a see-through shirt isn’t very newsworthy as much as it’s a reminder of how much us losers in coach suck at life. I’m assuming that if Shakira isn’t flying around on her own private jet, the wealthy singer is at least taking up all of first class on her own, so nobody but her and her entourage can experience her rose petal queefs. But this at least offers the possibility that some lucky asshole got to sit next to Shakira for a few hours, while the rest of us were busy fighting over an arm rest with 400 pounds of egg salad in a pair of old sweatpants.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Cheer Up, Harry Styles, You Just Had Sex With Kendall Jenner

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 9:32 AM

Sure  there’s some natural remorse after nailing a Kardashian. That’s the cosmos confirming you’re going to die prematurely in some grisly manner. Still, if you’re Q score is high enough to bone eighteen year old Kendall Jenner on a gratis package in New York, you’ve ought be wearing a shit-eating grin from ear to ear. You didn’t join a fucking boy band to make music, you sad mascara wearing sack. You’ve notched Taylor Swift and now Kendall Jenner. You’re one Madonna’s busty daughter away from an epic deflowering trifecta. They’ll sing songs about you, I mean, real singers who can sing actual notes. It’ll blow your mind. Now quit looking askance like  you’ve got VD and act like a fucking king.

Taylor Swift Couldn’t Kill Jessica Hart

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 7:14 PM

Jessica Hart Poses In A Pink Bikini For A Photoshoot At The Beach In Miami
Taylor Swift’s prom-less minions may have figured out how to scare Victoria’s Secret into firing Jessica Hart for her disloyal comment about Taylor’s fat hips or whatever, but they couldn’t stop making her better looking than their pufferfish-faced liege. Somebody else already hired Jessica Hart to flash her ass and gap-toothed grin for the cameras. Which just goes to show, good looking women trump pudgy anonymous online sycophants some of the time.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, INFphoto.com

Suri Cruise Has a Twitchy Middle Finger

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 6:56 PM

The last time Suri Cruise flipped the bird to photographers, her suck ups in the media were quick to call it a mistaken hair twisting hand gesture. This time, what? She’s hailing a cab? Working her way into a raised fist for Mandela? No, that’s definitely a big bird flip off from the seven year old. I’ve committed to never calling Suri Cruise a little bitch like paparazzi members have in the past because I think it’s unfair to label any kid a twit when their parents have fucked them up so very well. But someday that little bitch is going to flip it toward a cop or a Gambino crime family member and suffer a beating worse than the time she told her dad she didn’t believe large doses of niacin and rubber suit jogging had cured him of his gay.

Photo credit: Pacific Coast News

Paris Hilton’s Brother Claims Lindsay Lohan Had Him Pummeled

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 6:07 PM

Lindsay Lohan Hangs Out In A Swimsuit Poolside In Miami
There’s no way to lose in a story where either a Hilton or a Lohan is a lying sack of shit. It’s the classic win-win. Paris Hilton’s little brother, Baron Von Douchery, got his ass beat up at Lindsay Lohan’s mansion party in Miami where Lindsay is staying trying to keep clean and attend art shows. Both of which sound like made-up reasons. Baron claims he made remarks about Lindsay and her new boyfriend, let’s just call him Cocaine Stupid Face for now, so Lindsay ordered a male friend of hers to kick the shit out of Baron. According to Baron, Lindsay stood by and laughed and egged her friend on in the pummeling. I have no idea if that’s true or not, but I do know it’s incredibly fun to imagine. Fearing a loss of his mealticket, Michael Lohan is rounding up witnesses to say that Lindsay wasn’t even at the party when the beat down took place. He’s also found witnesses to state that Lindsay has never smoked crack and did not appear in Freaky Friday and that Michael Lohan was an attentive father. If you’re looking to buy witnesses, you could do far worse than Florida.

Here’s Lindsay in a swimsuit at her Miami mansion thinking about art and staying sober and ordering her next hit.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN

The Von Trapp Great Grandkids Hated Carrie Underwood

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 5:43 PM

Somehow I missed the live re-singing of the Sound of Music on NBC last night. I vowed never to watch anybody sing again ever on TV, the same day my girlfriend threw out my admittedly barbaric VHS collection of midget fights. I thought I was punishing her, but then I realized I was really just helping myself. I guess the Von Trapp great-grandkids weren’t too fond of Carrie Underwood portraying their mom because they all went on different news outlets to Von bitch:

“It’s just upsetting that this could potentially be the final broadcast of our story. And although her voice is amazing, she doesn’t have acting experience…. It’s just the overall image, she’s a country star, she won ‘American Idol,’ she’s very public in kind of a tabloid way.” —  Myles von Trapp Derbyshire, super petty great-grandkid

Who doesn’t get upset about how their great-grandmother they never met is portrayed in the movies? Especially when those same shiny Von Trapp great-grandkids are using the family name to look semi-attractive and yodel in concerts around the world. I’m down with the Carrie Underwood can’t act hate, and I’m even willing to accept a bunch of kids trying to eke out a showbiz living based on three generations ago family events. But then the idiot kids went and said they held a secret meeting to collectively decide they wished Anne Hathaway would’ve portrayed their dead great-grandmum. Now I’m just rooting for the Nazis to take them all away again.

Naomie Harris Is Better Looking Than Winnie Mandela

By Lex December 06, 2013 @ 5:01 PM

Naomie Harris Poses In Lingerie For The January 2014 Issue Of Esquire UK
Naomie Harris seems too good looking to have played the role of Nelson Mandela’s second wife in the new Mandela movie released just as film marketing executives were cutting off oxygen to Nelson Mandela’s breathing tube. You may recall Winnie Mandela as the political figure in South Africa who rose to fame off her imprisoned husband’s name, then went on to steal tons of money and beat and burn lots of people to death with her secret goon squad. Sort of like a Hillary Clinton but without the lesbian overtones.

Photo Credit: Esquire UK