Miss Lebanon’s Future Seems Bleak

January 26, 2015 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

When you leave Beirut on the burro for the Miss Universe pageant, you’re given two instructions. Smile like you’re from a better country and don’t get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their... READ MORE

Porn Remains Our National Treasure

January 26, 2015 | Photos | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

No matter how commercially bankrupt we become as a nation, we still exult the shit out of the gritty womenfolk who fuck on camera. Farrah Abraham, who is a mom and not a porn star, led a cavalcade of... READ MORE

Kris Jenner the Toast of Paris

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most... READ MORE

Justin Bieber Seems Confident Enough

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Justin Bieber isn’t the first douchebag to pose for himself in the mirror in between sets at the gym. He’s just the one small enough for me to ridicule. Vanity is every bit as natural to the human condition... READ MORE

Lindsay Lohan Distorted

January 26, 2015 | Uncategorized | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself shopped to look like a Barbie Doll and pretended nothing was up. She got herself down to her natural waist size, when she was eight and couldn’t eat because dad was beating mom so... READ MORE

Richard Simmons Is Still Alive

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Richard Simmons is supposedly not dead. Someone called the police to report he is being elderly abused at the hands of a grizzly bear. It’s called party time and his safe word is kale. Whatever the spurned lover’s motivation, Simmons is doing... READ MORE

Kanye West Is Humbled

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Some autistic guy approached Kanye West and asked him to sign a photo of Kim Kardashian which had his crusted jizz on it. Embarrassingly enough the photo was from one of her weddings which got poor ratings and West refused to sign... READ MORE

Carl’s Junior Chick Gets It (VIDEO)

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

The chick whose tits are made of waterbeds got liquored up and made me fall in love with her again. She says she actually eats at Carl’s Jr. but I’m willing to believe she’s a sexy liar. Whatever works. I’m... READ MORE

Taylor Swift Is Good Wool

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Taylor Swift is on vacation in Maui with three reasonably hot chicks that she paid to come along with so she’d look normal. I really thought this only happened in the movies. It’s not clear at which point some... READ MORE

J-Lo Relates

January 26, 2015 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and... READ MORE