During her pre-rehab party down in Brazil (and why not South America when you’re battling drug and alcohol addiction) Lindsay Lohan was photographed on a beach in a boring floppy blue bikini with her thighs riddled with some nasty looking bruises. Now I’m not one to judge, I often play a game I like to call “Ambien bruise or sex bruise?” Who doesn’t like some chemical exploration and rough sex every now and then, but I get the feeling Lindsay’s bruise stories would drink mine under the table, literally.
Either she got those injuries hiding under a table on the floor of a Brazilian nightclub S-ing some serious D or it was later in her hotel room when a butterscotch Brazilian blow dealer was forcibly grabbing her legs balls deep in some unconscious Lindsay poonani.
I’d say good for you girl, live it up before rehab. Considering she’s already making negotiations to be allowed Adderall during her mandated rehab stint, she’ll probably also weasel her way into spending the time at one of those spa rehabs in Thailand where they have massages on the beach. So this time she’s spending in Brazil isn’t so much a pre-rehab party, as rather a pre-rehab warmup, just to get acquainted with her upcoming surroundings.
I remember when guys used to complain about female sports reporters. I was one of them. Don’t be a liar, because before you started saying how good looking so and so sideline reporter was, you too used to complain about women covering your pro sports teams. Jill Martin and her work for the New York Knicks was hardly the barrier breaker, but she does have enormous jabbas and likes to show them babies off. So nobody’s complaining now. Because tits shut men up.
Porn legend Ron Jeremy (seen above passing the erection to James Deen at the 2013 XBIZ Awards) had a lot of people scared back in February when he suffered two aortic aneurysms and required surgery. But he was released from the hospital after three weeks and vowed to take his health more seriously, reportedly losing 45 pounds since then.
And the good news just keeps coming for the Hedgehog, because as soon as he was cleared for work, he was hired for the new film, Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Legends, and the titular porn actress and sex educator put the 60-year old’s second most important organ to the test.
In the instructional movie, director Drake asked four of the, ahem, biggest men in pornography for their secrets and tricks on how to please a woman. Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix and Sean Michaels answered interview questions and later demonstrated their techniques. At the end of Jeremy’s interview, the camera pans out to reveal he’s already getting some action. (CNN)
Look, I appreciate Ron’s “average Joe who gets paid to have sex with thousands of women” shtick as much as the next guy, and I’m super happy for him that he’s healthy, has a new lease on life and is still getting his pecker puckered two weeks after his 60th birthday.
But is there anyone out there who still wants to watch this guy perform? Even his girlfriends probably ask for doggy style.
Tom Hardy is currently in New York City filming Animal Rescue, which sounds like a terrible romantic comedy along the lines of This Means War, but don’t worry, fans of Bronson and The Dark Knight Rises. According to the plot summary, this film is right in Hardy’s badass wheelhouse:
A crime-drama centered around a lost pit bull, a wannabe scam artist, and a killing.
Simple enough. But just in case it wasn’t as easy as walking up to any woman in New York and saying, “Hi, I’m Tom Hardy, star of Inception and the new Mad Max”, before making her panties vanish, Hardy decided to take a break from filming to hang out with a little kid dressed as his Bane character from The Dark Knight Rises.
This also comes just a few weeks after he was walking around the set with a tiny pit bull puppy. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if we don’t stop him now, Hardy is going to get every girl in America pregnant by Friday.
Take it for what it’s worth, but I once heard from a guy who heard from a doctor of a 1980′s NBA Baller who says that it was not so uncommon rumor that Magic Johnson (and Michael Cooper) dabbled in bisexual party times during the Showtime era. Now, you can call retrospective triple hearsay exactly the crap that it is, but Magic Johnson did contract HIV and we do know all these years later, past all the rhetoric and sloganism, that Magic’s HIV was not contracted through all his hetero cheating ways. So, while Magic has done a ton for HIV and AIDS research, he’s never quite come clean on his dick on dick experimentation days. Which may be why Karma gave him a gay namesake. Earvin Johnson III, a.k.a. E.J. The Lakers legend tells TMZ, “Cookie and I love EJ and support him in every way. We’re very proud of him.”
You should be proud of your out son, Magic. He has more balls than you. Pun only partially intended.
Chris Brown is an asshole version of Nanny McPhee. When you don’t need him and don’t want him, he’ll be there. (Yes, I did just make a Nanny McPhee reference. No, I don’t want to tell you how I know that.)
Brown compared himself to Bieber, saying the press has used both of them as punching bags. “With [Justin], it’s a case of how I feel. It’s being young, having limitless amount of income for whatever you want to do as a young guy. And then, at the same time, you don’t have nobody that’s gonna say, ‘Hey, bruh, you look whack right now.’”
Well that clears that up, he just didn’t know he couldn’t beat a woman unconscious because he has money. So next time Chris Brown decides to step out with a young lady and she complains that he…
“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”
…someone should pull him aside and tell him that he looks pretty whack right now. Chris they actually make a little remedy to cure this kind of stupidity, it’s called a Colt .45, suck on one. Rihanna can write a sad ballad about your tragic end and become even more famous. Then you’ll finally be even.
When Madonna first went to Malawi, The Material Girl agreed to build six schools in exchange for buying one Malawi baby for her display cabinet back home. But then Madonna wanted a second Malawian baby, because you really need a set or else people think you’re not a real collector. So the Malawis asked for twelve schools. But shrewd Madonna bargained then down to ten schools for two babies. And now she’s in Malawi showing off her end of the bargain. Ten brand new schools for impoverished Malawi children to be fed, educated, and ultimately shackled and placed in the lower hulls of Madonna’s clipper ships bound for the New World.
Girls who play tennis are like girls who play golf, only more muscular and unexpectedly less lesbian. I love to watch the tennis girls grunt and sweat and rally back and forth for ten minutes like one-player Pong at the basic skill level. And I almost forgot about the skirts and the loose fitting tops. Yes, there’s much to love about women’s tennis. If I had lady parts, I’d be playing it right now.
Here’s Maria Sharapova at the just concluded Sony Open. She lost in the finals to the Williams sister with the massive quads and the hairy pits. No, not that one, the other one.