Miss Virgin Islands USA Lisa Opie In A Bikini

By Lex September 12, 2013 @ 12:34 PM

Miss Virgin Islands USA Lisa Opie In A Bikini In South Beach
I can never remember if all these islands to the south of us actually belong to the U.S. or we just pretend they do and let their hot women compete in our beauty pageants in exchange for letting our old money people shelter their piles of gold from taxes in their banks. I know Puerto Rico always has votes on becoming a U.S. state and people get all pissy about it anyhow as if Vermont or Kentucky are so fucking primo that can’t possibly add another name to the list of fifty. I’m not sure I’ve ever met an ugly girl from the U.S. Virgin Islands, though I once made out with a girl who had no upper teeth from Kentucky. We should re-vote on that state.

Photo Credit: Splash

Prince William Leaving the Military (He Was in the Military?)

By Lex September 12, 2013 @ 12:22 PM

Apparently, Prince William has spent the last almost eight years as a full time soldier. Well, airman. I guess he was deep cover pretending to be a polo playing and ball-attending prince during his stint in the R.A.F. because I had no fucking clue the future king of England was even in the military.

“His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge is to leave operational service in the Armed Forces. He completes his Tour with the Royal Air Force Search and Rescue Force at RAF Valley, Anglesey, after more than seven-and-a-half years of full-time military service.” — statement from Kensington Palace.

Yep, see, right there. The Palace said so. They could’ve said he was an astronaut or a baker of magic pies and I guess I’d be no more confounded. The same statement when on to suggest the Prince’s future career moves:

“William will expand his work in the field of conservation, particularly in respect of endangered species.”

I guess he’s going to wrangle poachers or protect the gnus of sub-Saharan Africa or other things that can be done by telling your butler to make it so. I don’t mind that they’re making shit up for the Prince so he looks like a servant of important causes. But England’s kings were much cooler in the old days when they didn’t feel a need for a job description beyond ‘vanquishing the French and befouling their women’.

Rihanna Has A Lovely New Penis Purse

By Travis September 12, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Always the classiest lady at the party, Rihanna left her hotel in London yesterday looking like she stole the curtains from a restaurant at Epcot and showing off her new gift from Vivienne Westwood – a purse with a giant gold penis on the side. Naturally, because she doesn’t give a shit, Rihanna held the purse in front of her crotch and behaved like men typically do, by sticking her tongue and waving her penis around. Of course, she left out the part where we blow a load and fall asleep. Nice try, Rihanna, but no points for accuracy.

(Photo Credits: Rihanna’s Instagram)

Charlie Sheen Finally Graduated High School (VIDEO)

By Travis September 12, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Charlie Sheen lives in a mansion with several decent-looking female porn stars that he rotates in and out as he sees fit, while he collects paychecks on a 100-episode deal for Anger Management, despite the fact that he never even deserved it in the first place after his hilariously shameless public meltdown that included rants against his ex-showrunner and a standup comedy tour that proved he’s not funny. He’s basically living the American Dream.

It also shouldn’t really surprise anyone that on top of that, he never even graduated high school, but Jay Leno finally took care of that on the Tonight Show, so the guy who shouldn’t even be working in Hollywood is now at least qualified to work at McDonald’s.

You Can Keep Courtney Stodden, England

By Travis September 12, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Talentless and soulless vessel of silicon Courtney Stodden was eliminated from the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother 12 last night, and in typical Courtney Stodden fashion, she departed looking like the inexpensive stripper that your uncle took to your dad’s second wedding. Courtney told everyone that even though she has missed her husband so much, she’s going to stay in London for at least another week to give some interviews and “explore other business opportunities,” which means that she probably wants to be a Page 6 Girl, even though she’d probably somehow bring shame to them, too.

(Photo Credits: James Shaw/WENN.com)

A General Fuck You To Ignorant Cave Dwelling Assholes Everywhere

By Lex September 11, 2013 @ 6:31 PM

Every nation and people and culture on this planet is fucked up in some manner or form. We all have our assholes who’d rather ruin a party than throw a party. Some percentage of miscreants who just have to fuck everything up for everybody else. That being said, let’s not beat around the politically correct bush. Not on 9/11. There are no bigger group of dicks on this planet than Radical Islamic Fundamentalists. I’m sure there are a few of them that just want to live a peaceful life on dirt floors in huts protected by the rendered skin of their subjugated women. Or to bleed out their eight-year old girl brides on their wedding night. But many of these stem cell deficient assholes are looking to reshape the planet according to the voices in their head. Like Zod in Man of Steel, except even more bullshit and riddled with major gaps in logic. Maybe our political leaders don’t see the general upside in calling out a particular group of people for being total dicks or maybe they just don’t have the balls. But I think on a day like today that we know better.

Photo credit: counterjihadreport.com

Stephanie Cook In A Bikini

By Lex September 11, 2013 @ 5:15 PM

Stephanie Cook In A Green Bikini Playing On The Beach In Malibu
In my next life, I’m coming back as a redheaded model with big tits. That or a star NFL quarterback. The allure of sports fame is pretty powerful, but you’d still have to live knowing that the redheaded model with big tits is more powerful than you. Take for instance the classic case of holding a gun in your hand and facing a redheaded model with big tits and, say, Tom Brady. The redheaded model with big tits tell you that if you shoot Tom Brady, she will have copious amounts of sex with you. Tom Brady tells you that he’s won three Super Bowls and he’s one of the most beloved sports figures around the world. You briefly consider, then you shoot Tom Brady. Ipso facto.

Here’s Stephanie Cook in a bikini in Malibu. I still don’t really know who the hell she is, but I’ve now decided I no longer care.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Back to Work for Khloe and Kourtney

By Lex September 11, 2013 @ 5:08 PM

Khloe And Kourtney Kardashian Film Scenes For 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' Amid Lamar Odom's Drug Scandal In Los Angeles
The Kardashians are like the postman. Nothing can stop them from making their appointed rounds. Not crackwhores or missing husbands or paternity allegations or even just having the shits from their amphetamine laced diet powder. These girls are earners. So back to the streets went these gussied up hookers. Mama always said you work your corner or somebody else be working your corner.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com