No One Shows Up To Perez Hilton’s Pre-VMA Party

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 7:31 PM

No One Shows Up To Perez Hilton's Pre-VMA Party In Brooklyn
A somewhat somber group of mostly itinerant hispters spread out around the lightly populated stage at Perez Hilton’s pre-VMA party. Many attributed the lack of attendance to the ongoing feud between the blogger and Lady Gaga, wherein the latter accused the former of being a bitchy, nasty, two-faced, stalker. But the few nearby college twinks who actually attended the event were quick to dismiss the Gaga feud notion and instead pointed out that the drinks sucked and the smiling gay bondage worker on stage was creeping even them out.

Photo Credit: Splash

Terry Richardson Tries To Make Lady Gaga Look Not Ugly on VMA Day

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 6:20 PM

Terry Richardson Photographs Lady Gaga Prep For The 2013 VMAs In Brooklyn
Have you ever pondered how they make those rough looking chicks into stage beauty when the lights go on? Yeah, aren’t you the deep thinker. None of that applies to Lady Gaga, who goes from pre-game rambleshack to game time Sleestack, and it still takes an armada of resources just for that junior league metamorphosis. Terry Richardson tagged along to track Lady Gaga’s preparations during the day of the VMAs. I was going to say he saw her naked a lot to remind himself why he doesn’t like girls. But Terry is one of the few hetero celebrity photographers in New York, so I’m going to guess he did it to get paid. Sex and money are what drives men. In relation to gigs for Gaga, be clear up front that you want the money.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson

Mike Tyson Still Likes To Get High…A Lot

By Jack August 26, 2013 @ 5:51 PM

Mike Tyson admitted to still being a drunk and a drug addict at a press conference on Friday. He was promoting his first fight ticket under his Iron Mike Productions organization when it all of a sudden turned into an AA meeting. Tyson has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Who can forget him getting high on crack and raping that girl in the 90′s? But he’s been telling people that he’s clean and sober. This made sense as he’s had a comeback working in The Hangover, a one-man show, and a reality series. I guess not. Mike said:

“I haven’t drank or took drugs in six days, and for me that’s a miracle. I’ve been lying to everybody else that think I was sober, but I’m not. I’m a motherfucker. I’m a bad guy sometimes. I did a lot of bad things, and I want to be forgiven…I’m on the verge of dying, because I’m a vicious alcoholic. Wow. God, this is some interesting stuff.”

Maybe it’s unfair, but I just assume that anyone with a face or neck tattoo is a massive junkie. Still, I hope Iron Mike can get his shit together. The world is a more interesting place with him in it. Now if he’ll only stop making Hangover sequels. That shit made me want to drink and get high and forget what I saw.


Prince Andrew & Fergie Might Get Remarried & The World Gave Narry A Fuck

By Jack August 26, 2013 @ 2:28 PM

The Limey rumor mill is churning out reports that Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson may get remarried. Apparently, her giant horse face has been spending a lot of time with prince jowls and staying over at the family castles. The two divorced in the 90′s after Fergie, (the English ginger not the Black Eyed Peas singer that pees her pants), repeatedly made an ass out of herself in front of the press. Family and friends, (so, other inbred royals), say it’s “only a matter of time” before the two reunite in matrimony and boring English White people sex. These sources also claim that they have to wait until his dad Prince Philip dies, which should happen any day now since he’s older than Tutankhamen’s cock. But the real question is: Who gives a shit?

Why does the world care what these fucking people do? Just because generations of rich assholes fucked their cousins to produce you doesn’t make you special. That’s true of half the people in Appalachia and no one talks about their relationship woes. At least Will and Kate are young and glamorous. Fergie looks like the busted ginger algebra teacher you had in the 6th grade. If they do get remarried I wonder how much money the English taxpayer is going to have to fork over for the wedding and the poll that will show 89% of them think it’s the best thing ever.

Backdoor Teen Mom Fans Rush to Buy Farrah Abrahams Free Shit

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 1:59 PM

Farrah Abraham Wears A Kiss Bikini On The Beach In Ft Lauderdale
Backdoor Teen Mom is doing alright. She didn’t get The AIDS from her sex tape and now she’s got some indescribably sad members of the virtual community buying her $13K worth of free shit. Last week, Farrah Abraham made an Amazon wish list of stuff she wanted presumably men to buy her. Lamps, shoes, shoe lamps, other overpriced knick knack and fashion shit that she thought a bunch of tools with zero impulse control would buy her because they saw her take James Deen up her ass. Also, because she has a daughter who will someday grow up to probably do the same. And, everybody laughed at the anal banging mom for being stupid and and a whore. But it turned out only half of that is true. Every single item got bought.

“So I mean everyone has their own money, everyone strives to buy their own things, but I’m fortunate I guess because I receive amazing gifts all the time from people. So I think any negative comments can be kept to themselves.” — Farrah Abraham, reflecting.

Because you can not possibly overestimate the stupidity of the common jerking man.

Here’s Backdoor Teen Mom in a KISS bikini. She’s no slob.

Photo Credit: Splash

Suri Cruise Bugs the Shit Out of Her Mom at Work

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

Suri Cruise Has A Meltdown And Tugs Katie Holmes' Skirt On The Set Of 'Miss Meadows' In Ohio
Suri Cruise melted down on the set of the film Miss Meadows where Katie Holmes was shooting a wedding scene. Suri may just be seven, but she knows that every time her mom marries, another spawn of Xenu’s Intergalactic War Dragons is born. To prove her point, Suri welled up tears made of a corrosive acid and shot fire balls out of her mouth, leveling the entire set. Though it was on location in Cleveland, so nobody really noticed.

Photo Credit: PCN

Eva Longoria Rides Her Bike Looking for Cock

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 12:26 PM

Eva Longoria Looking Chesty While Riding Her Bike In Los Angeles
Eva Longoria is pretty genius. You wouldn’t know from hearing her mind numbing political platitudes. But just like a sinister dude, she set up a whole reality dating show with NBC last year so she could cast a bunch of super hot male model dudes in her dating range, one of whom she started boning furiously around the globe. They shagged in France and Spain and Greece and in a bunch of other places rich people go to have sex, like the ass. Since she thinks like a dude, after three months of non-stop humping, Eva dumped her new boyfriend and jumped on her bike to go find the next piece of meat. People just don’t understand the work involved in being a man.

Photo Credit: PCN

Miley Cyrus Twerks With Robin Thicke Onstage At The VMAs (VIDEO)

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 11:49 AM

I’m not sure what you call it when a retarded chick with massive white dental caps and nubby hair knots starts grinding on an older dude dressed like Beetlejuice, but where I come from, we call it highly watchable. Maxim’s may have tied their sinking ship to the flounder face of Miley Cyrus, I just want to see her simulate sex. I’ll pretty much watch any woman not heavier than ‘needing to lose a few’ grind their privates in public display. Everybody is worried about the harmful message Miley might be sending to her young teen female audience that empowerment comes through grinding your honeydew onto some dudes lap. But nobody is considering the half glass full perspective for high school boys everywhere. Twerking is going to be very very good to them.

Photo Credit: Splash, WENN