By Lex August 08, 2013 @ 4:02 PM
According to an unreliable gossip blog quoting an unknown attorney not involved at all with the Guidice case, Teresa Guidice may try to get a plea deal by turning on her husband in the couple’s mutual fraud case. It wouldn’t be the first time a reality TV star acted in a completely self-interested and ratty manner. Not even the first time today. If Teresa doesn’t figure some shit out, she could face up to fifty years in prison and a total cessation of her powerful Jersey Girl allure.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Lex August 08, 2013 @ 3:24 PM
Ireland Baldwin was caught coming out of a tattoo shop in Studio City. I think we all know why young women go to tattoo shops. That’s right. She’s getting a tattoo. Putting myself in the mind of a 17-year old girl, as I often do, I’m going to say something to memorialize her statutory rapey adventures with her surfer boyfriend. Or maybe a mouse holding a sword. Those are my two guesses.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack August 08, 2013 @ 2:57 PM
Tara Reid is dumber than a bag of mentally challenged hammers. She appeared on Shark After-Dark, (which is part of the whole Shark Week thing), on The Discovery Channel with her fellow Sharknado co-star Ian Ziering. She told the host that she did some research on sharks before making the absurd movie about sharks falling from the sky because she didn’t want to sound “stupid”. She then launches into the dumbest most incoherent verbal diarrhea I’ve heard in a while. This ramble is a new level of celebrity stupid. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if she can’t go to the bathroom by herself or cut her own meat stupid. Here is just a tidbit:
“So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks. And I’m like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex. And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex? … Because whales are mammals, and sharks are animals. They have nothing to do with each other.”
Yup. She said that. Watch the rest and weep for the fact that someday soon she’s going to announce she’s making offspring.
By Lex August 08, 2013 @ 2:17 PM
Ali Lohan was moving some of her shit in New York to a new apartment, and everybody was wondering what happened to her boobs. At least, I was. They done gone disappeared. Maybe in one of the bags. It got worse when Lindsay showed up to help her sister move her bulimia bibs and flashed her new heavy grandmotherly cans around her emaciated younger sister. To be fair, Ali is now a ‘model’ in New York, so weighing less than an eight year old is par for the course. Still, bring back the tits. We need something to hold dear.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com, Splash
By Lex August 08, 2013 @ 11:48 AM
Professional male athletes are as stupid and horny as the rest of guys, they just have an easier time finding the girls to be stupid and horny with. Danny Cipriani plays rugby, which I’m told is a real sport in England, and he was really boning model Kelly Brook and they were engaged or some other celebrity term for married. But Danny just couldn’t be content with knocking around with a big-titted hot model, he had to go Carlos Danger and have a half-dozen girls with naked pictures sending him messages to his secret cell phone. Kelly found the phone (because women always find the fucking phone) and quickly dialed up the women using that stupid British ring tone and chewed them a new arsehole. She told them they were all just empty holes to Danny and they “were all slags and some were motherly’. You can guess what ‘slag’ means, and by ‘motherly’, she did not mean sweet and nurturing.
The lesson here is that men who can get lots of women will get lots of women. I think that’s actually an axiom or something. It’s the same reason chefs are fat and narcs are dirty. The temptation plus access equation has never been cracked throughout human history. You want a boyfriend who every girl wants to bang? Go for it. Just lay off the revenge phone calls when the inevitable occurs. And, please, don’t tell me how your dad was super handsome and he never cheated on your mom. He did.
By Lex August 08, 2013 @ 11:38 AM
Kim Kardashian isn’t going to show herself until she loses some of the twenty stones she put on in baby weight carrying her first bastard baby ever to full term. So, like March, 2017. But staying out of the public eye hasn’t been easy for Kim. So, she went on Keek to show off her heavily made up face and stick out her tongue causing four different central African tribal princes to ejaculate in their cloths. Another 500,000 people checked her out on social media. Because she’s Kim Kardashian. She attracts both stupid and cash at startling rates.
By Jack August 08, 2013 @ 11:35 AM
Sylvester Stallone is talking mad action hero shit about his former Expendables castmate Bruce Willis. A couple of days ago it came out that Willis wouldn’t appear in Expendables 3 and he would be replaced by the walking corpse of what was Harrison Ford. There was speculation as to why Willis would quit as the franchise does pretty decent business. Apparently, it’s because Stallone, (who co-writes and produces the series), thinks Willis isn’t worth the money. Sly tweeted:
“WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!! GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”
And in all caps too, so you know it’s serious! We can infer that the greedy part is that Willis wanted more money and Stallone thought he didn’t deserve it. Now, I don’t know what went on in the sleazy backrooms of Hollywood that led to this decision, but I do know one thing: Stallone is no one to give career advice to Bruce Willis. Let’s face it, after the 80′s and before the first Expendables…Stallone was more MIA than those old soldiers John Rambo rescued in Rambo: First Blood 2. Willis has worked nonstop since his days flirting with Cybill Shepherd back when she was hot on Moonlighting. But Stallone certainly has things Willis doesn’t have, namely an Oscar, an ex-porn career, and his hair. So, there’s that.
By Travis August 08, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Mark Wahlberg recently sat down with the Sun to talk about his new film, 2 Guns, and he was asked his opinion on the recent troubles of pop star and bucket-pisser Justin Bieber, who is also currently being accused of assault. Mark jokingly told Bieber in a British accent, “Be a nice boy, pull your trousers up, make your mum proud, yeah? Stop smoking all that weed, you little bastard” before telling everyone to lay off and let the teenager be a teenager.
And Mark knows a thing or two about being a rambunctious teen, because he also got into his fair share of fights. Like the time that he knocked a Vietnamese guy out with a stick and called him a “Vietnamese fucking shit” or the time he sucker-punched another Vietnamese guy and left him blind in one eye. In fact, if Justin wants us to lay off, he should just let Mark keep sticking up for him.
(Photo Credit: Getty)