Jessica Biel is single

By brendon March 11, 2011 @ 2:33 PM

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Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake started dating in May of 2007, and rumors that he was cheating on her started in August of 2007. And basically neverstoppedafterthat.

But now he can bang whoever he wants even more brazenly, because he and Biel have finally split up. People says…

Reps for the couple released a statement Thursday, confirming the split: “Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other.”

Timberlake seems like such a smug douche it’s hard to believe Biel put up with him for 4 years. When I first lock eyes with her across a crowded room, and then finally make my move to seduce her, she’s not gonna know whats come over her (note: it will be a rag soaked in chloroform).

the LAPD raided Charlie Sheens house for guns

By brendon March 11, 2011 @ 10:43 AM

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Finally. A story about Charlie Sheen.

“It came to the attention of the LAPD that Sheen is the registered owner of firearms,” the LAPD said in a statement late Thursday night, and conducted their investigation at Sheen’s home “to determine if he is in possession of firearms and ammunition in violation of the [restraining order].”

That being the restraining order placed on him 10 days ago by his wife Brooke Mueller, who said he threatend to cut her head off, put it in a box and send it to her mom.

They confiscated bullets and an antique gun, but Sheen was not arrested or detained.

Well he held a knife to his wife’s throat and threatened to cut her head off. Shouldn’t they have told him he can’t have any knives? He thinks he’s the goblin king, he’s not gonna use a gun, and her enchantment spell deflects bullets anyway.

Scarlett Johansson is still dating Sean Penn

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 5:54 PM

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Despite the fact that she’s 26 and he’s 50, and that it’s creepy, Scarlett Johansson really is dating Sean Penn apparently. Last week they went off to Mexico for a day, and this week they had dinner at Chateau Marmont. People says…

The two greeted each other at the hotel restaurant with a hug. They were all smiles and chatted quietly for several minutes before moving from one table to a more private setting in the back corner.
Both dressed casually (and) appeared at ease with one another as they talked, smiled and remained focused on each other.
The rumored couple kept the PDA to a minimum, but occasionally held hands on the table.
“They looked genuinely happy together,” added the observer.
After 11 p.m., Penn and Johansson slowly wandered into the hotel lobby, with Penn putting his arm around her lower back as they made their way to the valet.

And then once at the valet, Johansson saw the bumper sticker on Penns car and asked him about his grandkids.

Kirstie Alley is gonna win Dancing With The Stars

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 4:53 PM

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Kirstie Alley has spent the last few days practicing for Dancing With The Stars, and the results have been amazing. She looks vaguely human now and is really snapping into shape. Another few pounds and other people might even be able to sit on her half of a plane without sending it into a corkscrew.

Kate Upton is a good model

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 4:11 PM

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Kate Upton is one of the young Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, and some out-takes of her photo shoots for the magazine have ended up online. There’s even an UHQ version of the headline pic here. The full size version is so big and intimate, I feel like there’s a chance I might have gotten her pregnant (fingers crossed).

Charlie Sheen is suing for $100,000,000

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 3:45 PM

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Charlie Sheen has spent the last three months doing everything he can to force Warner Brothers and Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre to fire him, and now that they have, he’s suing them for $100 million plus punitive damages.

Sheen, who made $1.2 million per episode, is demanding he be compensated for the 8 cancelled episodes from the current season — and is also suing on behalf of the sitcom’s crew.
His attorney Marty Singer slams Lorre for making Sheen “the scapegoat” in the ongoing war over the series. “[Lorre] believes himself to be so wealthy and powerful that he can unilaterally decide to take money away from the dedicated cast and crew …in order to serve his own ego and self-interest.”

And Sheen of course turned to twitter to make some nonsensical comment.

“#Fastball; Torpedo away… You corporate Trolls were warned. And now you’ve been served!”

What world is Sheen living in where he thinks someone, anyone, can tell their boss to fuck off, on television, a hundred different ways and not get fired? This whole thing is dumb, Sheen violated his contract, and it’s insulting that he would sue on behalf of the crew. As if he gives a shit. If I were the judge I’d not only throw this lawsuit out, I’d have the bailiff bring it over to Sheen and make him eat it.

Christina is “fall-down wasted nearly every night.”

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 2:40 PM

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When Christina Aguilera was arrested on March 1st for public intoxication, her friends were hoping it would be the wake up call she needed to see that her drinking had gotten out of hand. But instead of a wake up call, she got last call, 3 days later, at the very same bar she was in the night she got arrested.

Us Weekly reports that on March 4, three days after a wine-drenched feast at Osteria Mozza led to her public intoxication bust, Aguilera and her beau Matthew Rutler returned.
On their menu that night? Two bottles of wine — and absolutely no regrets.
“She acted as if the arrest never happened,” a source tells Us. “When their server offered them dessert, they asked for more wine.”
When it was time to leave, “She seemed tipsy.” (Thankfully, she went home via chauffeured limo.)
Still, an Aguilera insider notes that the star hasn’t changed her hard-drinking habits since her arrest. “She should see the arrest as a wake-up call, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t think things are that bad.”
“She’s nearly fall-down wasted nearly every night.”

The bad news is that she’s “fall down” drunk every night. The good news is she’s gotten so fat she would bounce.

Lindsay officially rejects a plea deal, will go to trial

By brendon March 10, 2011 @ 2:15 PM

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Lindsay Lohan arrived at 9:05 for her 8:30 court date this morning to formally reject a plea deal on her felony theft case, instead choosing to go to trial which will begin on Aprill 22nd. And then, E! says…

Lindsay’s probation violation case will be heard concurrently with the preliminary hearing. (Judge Stephanie) Sautner will be listening to evidence to determine whether it’s sufficient enough to go to trial, while at the same time will also determine whether she’s in violation of probation in her longstanding DUI case.

She does have one more chance, on March 25th, to accept a plea deal, but if not she will go to trial, and if Radar is to believed, straight to jail, possibly that very same day.

But what really matters of course is how slutty did Lindsay dress for court today. The answer was about a 7. She wore a leather (vinyl?) looking thing with big heavy stitching down the side like the dress Jame Gumb was trying to make out of fat girls. The inspiration for her look was this Mexican guy.

(image source = splash news online)