black is a slimming color

By brendon January 30, 2012 @ 12:17 PM

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Christina Aguilera brought her son Max to Cirque du Soleil at the Staples Center in LA last night, but then left almost as soon as she arrived. “What kind of a bullshit circus doesn’t have fried candy bars and funnel cakes,” a source heard her say.

(image source = pacific coast)

Jennifaa Yopez esta en us bikini

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 7:51 PM

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Jennifer Lopez was in Miami today, wearing a white swimsuit for a photo shoot, and she actually positioned herself and stood so only her ass was behind the wall and hidden from view. Either that or her fat ass is wedged in a doorway and she’s stuck.

Oh please oh please oh please oh please…

(image source = splash)

Nicole Kidman is spooky

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 5:59 PM

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Nicole Kidman went to lunch at Joans on Third in LA today, and when she arrived she had the whole place to herself. Not because she’s famous, but because she looks like the ghost of a murdered 60’s Barbie, and ghosts are very scary.

(image source = pacific coast)

Demi Moore “smoked something”

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 4:39 PM

It was a real wake-up call when Demi Moore collapsed Monday night, because if someone as strong and vibrant as Demi could pass-out, then it could literally happen to anyone.

But now the audio from that 9-1-1 call has been released, and it turns out her friends saw her smoking something which may have caused all this. Either salvia or potpourri from the sounds of it.

Explains the caller: “She smoked something. It’s not marijuana…It’s similar to incense. She seems to be having convulsions.”
When asked if Moore was breathing normally, the caller replies, “No, not so normal…[She's] shaking…burning up.”
The unidentified woman adds that Moore “has been having some issues lately.”

That had to be a scary time for Demi. And today won’t be much better since the operator spent 80 percent of the call giving out Demis address, directions to her house, and how to get in.

After they said it for the 90th time, I deduced that she lives at 9740 Oak Pass Road in Beverly Hills. Here. Just take Benedict Canyon to Hutton; her house is the second right. I’d hate for Megan Fox to have to call 9-1-1, but if she did and got this guy, that would be terrific.

Taylor Swift is still a vindictive bitch

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 2:24 PM

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Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.

Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:

“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”

Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!

‘Fear Factor’ will be serving donkey semen

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 11:06 AM

donkeys866

The middle, “disgusting food or drink” segment on this Mondays ‘Fear Factor’ will have the contestants drinking glasses of donkey semen, and NBC is so upset they threatened to stop the show.

Well, actually the show was filmed over the summer. It’s not like it’s live. Getting that much donkey semen on a live show would be tough on the farmers wrists. So really all NBC threatened to do was make people drink donkey semen for no reason.

We’re told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen — with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.
Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows … but eventually gave the thumbs up.

On a somewhat related note, Perez Hilton now says he really really really wants to be on ‘Fear Factor’. “This way it will all be nice and legal,” he said, though I’m not sure what “it” refers to.

(“You know who isn’t upset about all this? The donkey who got jacked off until he filled three pitchers,” said the Army Donkey with a bullet-magnet slowly riding him through an open field. “Fuck my life,” he continued.)

Adriana Lima is photogenic

By brendon January 26, 2012 @ 6:49 PM

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Supermodel Adriana Lima is way out on St. Barts today, supermodeling for Victorias Secret, so, if you know where Adriana Lima lives, this would be a good time to break into her house.

(image source = fame)

Tim Gunn hasn’t had sex in 29 years

By brendon January 26, 2012 @ 5:04 PM

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‘Project Runway’ co-host Tim Gunn told the ABC show ‘the Revolution’ that he’s been celibate for almost three decades because of a bad relationship around the time when AIDS became an epidemic in the US.

“Do I feel like less of a person because of it? No, not even remotely … it was at the cusp of AIDS [and] I’m happy to be healthy and alive, frankly.”

It would be easy to make fun of Tim here but I’m not going too because:

1. By all accounts he’s a decent and talented guy.
2. I’ve gone embarrassing long stretches without getting laid too, except it wasn’t because I chose to.
3. I can’t really blame him. I don’t have anything against gay guys, and I actually despise people who do (I even give money to the Matthew Shepard foundation every month) but if someone tried to put a penis inside of me, I would fight them to the death, until I literally died, and my last words on earth would be, “get… that thing… away from me… it’s gross.”