Jay Z Goes Plant Based

By Lex December 05, 2013 @ 10:38 AM

Beyonce and Jay Z Go Shopping At Barney's In New York
Jay-Z has taken on the 22 day vegan challenge. Only he’s calling it ‘plant based diet’ instead of vegan because that’s what Jay-Z does. He tinkers with phrasing to mean the exact same thing then people throw money at him. For Jay-Z, this isn’t so much about evacuating his bowels as it is the spirituality of numbers. He turned 44 on December 3 when he began the 22-day challenge. 22 is half of 44 by Jay-Z’s calculations. His 22-day challenge will natural end on Christmas, the birth of Christ. You know how big rappers love them some self-Christ identification. Jay-Z is one of the many people in this world who are into the mysticism of numbers. There tends to be a strong correlation between these numbers diddlers and schizophrenia, delusion, and smelling like long-past-due dairy products. The good news for Jay-Z is that he’s so rich, when he starts wearing tin foil hats and making Beyonce piss on him to keep him undetectable by the inter-dimensional marauders, he’ll have the luxury of being called eccentric. Enjoy your quinoa salad, original gangster.

Photo Credit: WENN

Amanda Bynes Has Left Rehab

By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

After dominating the news cycle with her seemingly psychopathic tendencies earlier this year, Amanda Bynes has left her rehab facility in Malibu and is moving in with her parents in Los Angeles. The good news for her parents, according to People, is that while they “reestablish the loving relationship” they once had, they get to control all of her money. The bad news is that the number of fires that will be set in their driveway and animals’ lives that will be at risk has jumped 1,000%. In the meantime, the statement from the family’s attorney claims that she is now looking into attending college for fashion design, because there must be millions of women out there who can’t wait to line up at their local Sears to get their hands on “Batshit by Amanda Bynes.”

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Disney Being Upfront About Shitting on Star Wars

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 7:10 PM

Star Wars episode VII easily could have been hyped with a two-year long publicity campaign talking about a wonderful new era of science fiction that also pays deference to cinematic legend. But give credit to Disney for taking over the Star Wars franchise and being very forthright about how they intend to turn the cultural phenomenon into a total and utter piece of shit. Disney kicked off their Star Wars Is Going to Royally Suck awareness campaign by setting up an Instagram account for the sequel series and having Darth Vader post a kitschy selfie. It’s a very modern way to reinforce the sucky message. Sure, you could use a digitized version of Alec Guinness taking a crap into Carrie Fisher’s mouth, but that might actually give people the wrong impression that you’re trying to be interesting or innovative. Kudos to you Disney. You’re like that rare rapist who begs the authorities not to let him out of prison because he knows he’s dangerous.

Colleen Shannon Poses In Lingerie For The 138

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 5:29 PM

Colleen Shannon Poses In Lingerie For A 138 Water Commercial Photoshoot In Beverly Hills

I guess when you’re about to go to prison for smuggling your drug running boyfriend over the Canadian border, the idea of becoming a human host for the 138 pod babies doesn’t seem like such a bad turn. It’s certainly better than going to Canadian jail and seeing the place where Michael Bublé used to conjugal with his various prison pen pals. Colleen Shannon may go down in history as the mother of the alien bug invasion, but that’s superior to being remembered as what’s-her-name with the big tits.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Perez Hilton Is America

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 4:56 PM

Perez Hilton has a new reality show creatively called Gay Dads of New York. It’s being produced by the same people who make Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so you know it’s going to be completely unscripted and not the least bit trumped up creepy. The show is going to feature a number of larger than life gay dads including Perez Hilton, who according to Perez represent the new landscape of America:

What is your typical American family like? These days, it looks a lot like mine!

By typical, I think Perez means the infinitesimal percentage of family households in this country headed up by a single gay man. While even noted homophobe Alec Baldwin accepts Perez Hilton’s personal family values in 2013, Perez polling his four gay daddy friends leading fabulous lives in Manhattan as a random sample of America is a bit of a stretch. This sounds more like a TV project to get paid and to get laid. Nothing wrong with a little green and a little dick to keep daddy feeling warm through the winter.

Anais Zanotti in A Thong on Miami Beach

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 4:33 PM

Anais Zanotti Wears A Thong Bikini To The Beach In Miami
You can’t do much better than a suntanning chick in a thong eating a banana at the beach. It really hits a number of marks. Competition along that particular shoreline is tough. You’ve got your models, your flight attendants, and your better looking community college girls all taking in the sun and you’ve got to stand out somehow. You’re not going to get it done just by undoing your top. Enter the banana. Solid.

Photo Credit: Splash

Aussie Mayor Threatens Justin Bieber Over Graffiti

By Michael December 04, 2013 @ 4:02 PM

Mayor Tom Tate is pissed off at ‘pop princess’Justin Bieber after the little shitweasel was caught tagging his city of Gold Coast, Australia. We told you last week about the dickless monkey spray painting a bunch of cartoonish squiggles on the exterior wall of his hotel. He was in town to squeal out his horrible music at his adoring overweight teenage fans. Mayor Tate said that either Bieber comes back and cleans up the graffiti or he has to sing Christmas carols at a charity event. What the fuck is that? Where’s the option for horrible death by reef shark attack or whatever that thing was that killed the Crocodile Hunter in the heart.

I think the solution to this whole Bieber situation is to have an older man in a bathrobe follow him around with a rolled-up newspaper. If Bieber does something bad, he gets scolded and smacked across the snout. If the behavior continues, he gets taken to the pound for euthanizing. Yes, we can still tell his young fans he went to live on a farm.

Emily Ratajkowski In Lingerie

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 3:35 PM

Emily Ratajkowski In Lingerie For GQ's 2013 Year In Babes List
I like GQ for being one of the less Hollywood ass-kissing magazines. I’m not big on the cologne and button-down collar reviews, but at least they pretend not to be influenced by the celebrity P.R. machines. Also, they put up pictures of Emily Ratajkowski in her underwear. If the Cleveland kidnapper had posted pictures of Emily Ratajkowski I probably would’ve been the one character witness at his sentencing hearing. There are twisted rapists and then there are twisted rapists who also dig Emily Ratajkowski. We could hang.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson/GQ