Fuck yeah, America. Heidi Klum could’ve made it anywhere, but she made it here. In this country, you can kick Seal out of your bed and start banging your kids’ bodyguard and the gossip rags pen cover stories about ‘Heidi’s great romance’. Try that back in Germany and you’re off to the stalag. So count Heidi Klum among the every single damn celebrity yesterday trying to out red, white, and blue each other. Heidi probably could’ve dropped her top or stopped sheltering her money from income taxes if she really wanted to show her fealty to her adopted homeland. Maybe for Labor Day.
I don’t know much about Rita Ora. I know that like most young British pop music stars listening to her music will cause blood to flow from your ears and your testicles to shrink to the size of raisins. Just that word of caution if you happen to like the way you’re hanging currently. Still, she does know how to sit on a chair like nobody’s business. I guess we can call it even.
Photo Credit: GQ UK
Maybe it’s tougher to find peasant children to rob of their life force during the holidays, but Janice Dickinson better come up with a potion or elixir soon, else put away that leopard print bikini. I’ll allow for some missing Guatemalan mountain kids, but I can’t abide a creepy older lady who’s skin suit isn’t sitting right.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
It’s easy to bag on Kris Jenner for plucking Kendall Jenner out of school at an early age and turning her into a young celebrity model whore as she did her other daughters before her. But, realistically, where else was this girl headed? The more practical cultures as in Asia start testing and segregating kids before they’re ten. Some kids get put on the track to be world class scientists. The kids who keep trying to jam that round peg through the square hole get told to grab a shovel and some wading boots. Kris Jenner knows her baby isn’t on the scientist track and she sure as shit doesn’t want her on the manure crew. So, good for her. A cocaine habit and a bastard baby or two will be a small price to pay for $20 million in the bank and maintaining a perfect manicure. Mom of the year.
Photo Credit: PCN, Splash
America’s paunchy drunk uncle Alec Baldwin wants to travel to Russia to interview Edward Snowden for his podcast. Baldwin has a podcast on WNYC and I guess that qualifies him to get the interview every journalist in the world would cut off their left nut/vulva lip to get.
“I want to try to interview him for my podcast on WNYC. I’m pressing all the buttons I have in London with friends of mine who know Julian Assange. I’m going to fly to Russia and try to interview Snowden… I’m going to try.”
Celebrities often act like they have Ph.Ds in political science or economics. They just love to spout their mouths off about shit they scanned in HuffPo in first class from N.Y. to L.A. It’s even worse when they’ve summarily studied to play a character, like, oh, Jack Ryan, an intelligence analyst tasked with bringing in a defecting Soviet submariner. Compared to that, getting to Snowden in a Moscow airport hotel will be a piece of cake. But, Alec, you were so much younger than. And, also, that was fake.
How sold out is this world getting? Even Russian spies are now Tweeting for attention. Anna Chapman wasn’t much of a spy really. Like most Russian women who visit the West with some grand purpose, she ended up mostly going to parties and fucking handsome dudes who run nightclubs. She eventually got busted for being a super crappy foreign agent and sent back to Russia where she posed for Maxim. She’s no Natasha Fatale.
Anna’s now seizing the big Edward Snowden craze by proposing marriage to the dude stuck somewhere in a Moscow airport until he finds out which soccer powerhouse nation in the third world is going to take him in. Mostly this goes to show that old school Russian-American spy games are dead. No more poison ink pens and dead drops in Vienna train stations. Even terrorists are visiting Vegas and posting selfies on Instagram. The world needs better bad guys. The North Koreans just aren’t going to cut it.
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Paris Hilton was the life of the beach party at her 4th of July event. She expertly performed her six standard poses with smiles, wore an American flag skirt given to her by the Emir of Qatar after an evening spent trying to translate the word ‘herpes’ into Arabic, and forgot to bring the potato salad. You know girls like this. Amber Rose finally showed up so Paris didn’t have to hear everybody calling her the skankiest girl at the party any longer.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
I hate when you run into twins you’ve met several times and you still can’t tell which one is which. At some point they figure out you don’t know who is who and they bust you like you’re some outrageously impolite bastard. Yeah, it’s that, or, you two fucking zygotes look exactly the same. Don’t give me that crap about how one of you has the slightly more narrow nose. You’re a novelty act. I can’t tell the Shannon Twins apart. I know one digs chicks and the other one was engaged to Pete from Smallville who went to jail for having a trunk full of Oxy. Different stories, but they’re asses still look identical.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet