Marisa Miller, who was Kate Upton before Kate Upton was, announced today that she’s pregnant for the first time with her husband griffin Guess. This spindly jackass, who yes, still wears a faux-hawk and who, with a child on the way, has no idea what’s about to hit him. It’s a bat. The one in my hands, for ruining the greatest stomach in the history of bikini modeling.
Here’s a brief history of Lindsay Lohan trying to kill every living thing on the roads in California (taken mostly from here):
October 4, 2005: Lindsay Lohan, then 19, crashes her Mercedes into the passenger side of a van that was pulling into traffic in West Hollywood. Lindsay, her passenger and the driver of the van were briefly hospitalized for minor injuries. She is not ticketed.
May 26, 2007: is arrested for drunk driving after crashing her Mercedes convertible in Beverly Hills at 5:30am. She then left the scene of the accident. Police also found a “usable” amount of cocaine in her car. It’s her third car crash in two years.
July 24, 2007: while high on cocaine, Lindsay goes on a high speed chase down Pacific Coast highway in a stolen GMC Denali, with the owner and two of his friends still in it, reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour, that ends when the woman whom Lindsay is chasing (her ex-assistant) calls Santa Monica police because she thinks Lindsay is going to kill her. Lindsay is arrested on five counts, including driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of narcotics. Police again find cocaine, this time in her pocket. Lindsay tells police they aren’t her pants. She also tells police that she wasn’t the one driving, and blames it on, “the black kid.”
September 3, 2010: while driving a rented Maserati, she hits a stroller with a baby in it while pulling into traffic, then simply drives away.
Which brings us to her wreck on June 8th, when she drove into the back of an 18 wheeler and totaled her rented Porsche. Police have reportedly concluded that she caused the accident because she was speeding. Certainly they’ll do something about her by now, right?
“The investigation is almost complete, and Lindsay was speeding in the moments before the accident. She was probably going ten miles over the posted speed limit, which would have been around fifty miles per hour. There were no skid marks, which indicate that Lindsay was indeed speeding and didn’t have time to even hit the brakes before she crashed into the truck. Lindsay is truly lucky to be alive, and that no one else got seriously injured. Lindsay could be cited by the Santa Monica Police Department for causing the accident, but it doesn’t seem very likely.“
So after all that other stuff, which doesn’t even include her multiple arrests for burglary and drugs and all that, she won’t even get a ticket. The police simply refuse to do anything at all about her. She will kill someone at some point, and they simply don’t give a fuck. They might as well sneak around at night putting cobras into cars.
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have been together for almost 15 years, and though they never married they have two kids together (13 year old daughter Lily-Rose and 10 year old son Jack) but after months of rumors that their relationship was in trouble, today it was officially announced that they have in fact separated.
“Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children.”
But first what the fuck is with her teeth? Seriously. Of course he broke up with her. Her smile is like a black hole of sorrow that eats your happiness when you make eye contact with it.
Kate Upton is on the cover of the July issue of GQ, and as you can see she was practically naked. I wish I had known about this photo shoot because I would have taken a towel and covered her up. Covered her mouth, I mean, after soaking the towel in ether and then putting her in my van and speeding away.
Alec Baldwin went and got a marriage license this morning in New York, then punched a photographer for the New York Daily News in the face. Because now someone might deduce that he’s getting married, and otherwise that would have stayed a secret for a thousand years.
Santos (the photographer) was standing innocently with two other photographers when Baldwin, 54, approached with an angry glare.
?“He was looking mad,” said Santos. “He said, ‘Step back, step back.’ I said, ‘We’re moving back.’”
?Baldwin then grabbed a second News photographer, Jefferson Siegel, and Santos told (Baldwin) to back off.?“He comes after me, starts shoving and punching me — one time, right in the chin. And then he started shoving me, and pushing me. Then he goes the other way.”
And straight to twitter…
An unrepentant Baldwin presented his version of the clash, via Twitter: “A ‘photographer’ almost hit me in the face with his camera this morning. #allpaparazzishouldbewaterboarded”
I’m not sure celebrities really understand how hashtagging works.
What is clear is that her Elizabeth Taylor movie for Lifetime has been filming on a boat in the marina and was scheduled to shoot from 7pm last night until 9am this morning. Lohan was “taking a nap” in her room in the Ritz and when producers tried to get her back on set at around 10:15 this morning, she was unconscious. Her rep says it’s exhaustion from working so hard.
The same girl who parties until dawn every night of her fucking life (like here and here for example) suddenly has “exhaustion” when her movie has an overnight shoot. And it’s not as if she was actually working all night. The Ritz is the tall building in the center here. It’s literally 15 feet from the boats. As any actor will tell you, most of their time on a set is spent waiting, and they sit around in their trailer or in this case their hotel room. So what really happened is that Lindsay was in her room all night and she got drunk or high or both.
Or who knows, maybe I’m wrong. Did the gaffer or grip or director of photography also collapse from exhaustion? Did any of the other actors almost die? Or was it only Lindsay? Was it only the girl in the headline picture, the one who has been found unconscious enough times where I actually have stock footage of it?
Vanessa Hudgens had lunch at Caffe Roma in Beverly Hills today, and it’s hard to decide what looked the most effeminate and girly. Was it her see-though sweater, her black bra, her sexy purple highlights, or her boyfriend Austin Butler? There’s really no wrong answer.
(image source = inf, pacific coast)
Jennifer Lawrence walked around West Hollywood today in a skirt that showed off her legs, even though I doubt anyone was asking to see them. I can’t believe this girl is still being lauded as some star of the future. There’s nothing particularly wrong with her, but that’s the highest praise I can offer. The only reason I’d keep her around Hollywood would be if she shared a rare blood type with Megan Fox or Charlize Theron or someone good like that and the plan was to harvest her organs.
(image source = wenn)