Taylor Swift Is Assless

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 3:06 PM

Taylor Swift Wears Leather Hot Pants Onstage At The Staples Center
I guess you give credit to Taylor Swift for becoming famous without benefit of having an ass. When I think about popular female music artists, I think about girls with big booty shaking asses lip-synching generic thumping Babyface Edmonds songs. That’s what pop music is supposed to be. Insert girl with tits and round ass and bluetooth headset. Taylor Swift has the ass of an older white dude behind the counter at CVS. You know, that guy who wasn’t a chemical engineer Ph.D back in the Philippines or Russia so you have no idea how he got stuck there but you surmise he’s probably on the Megan’s Law website smiling in a cardigan sweater. Not that I check out that dude’s ass. I don’t need to. I can just look at Taylor Swift’s.

Here’s Taylor at Staples Center last night. She’s sort of cute now but she’s already starting to transition into a Waylon Jennings puppet.

Photo Credit: PCN

Simon Cowell Has It All

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 2:24 PM

Simon Cowell Is All Smiles At The One Direction Film Premiere In London
I guess Simon won. He’s turned a bunch of amateur talent contest shows into mega hits, he has a good eye for spotting crappy music that teen girls love, he bangs lots of hot women, owns a yacht, and when he wants a baby, he just knocks up his buddy’s wife because he thinks she’ll make a good mom. I guess he’s missing shit like humility and dignity and decency and a bunch of other stuff that no guy can really be expected to care about when he’s banging hot women on his yacht. If life were Monopoly, Simon would own Boardwalk and Park Place, all the Utilities, and be forcing Rich Uncle Pennybags to blow him behind the Reading Railroad station. Fuck that smile.

Photo Credit: WENN

Avril Lavigne Makes Out With Winnie Cooper

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 1:38 PM

Avril Lavigne Makes Out With Danica McKeller In Her Video For 'Rock N Roll'
Forget every bad thing I ever said about Avril Lavigne, her stupid bloated midget first husband, her musical soul robbing Nickelback second husband, her trumped up skater persona, and even her being Canadian and therefore deserving of being locked in a cage and poked at by drunk hockey fans with team pennants. We’re all good now.

Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Blame Her Parents

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 1:04 PM

Lindsay Lohan Tries To Avoid Paparazi While Smoking Outside Of ABC Kitchen In New York
It took me a while to watch the Lindsay Lohan interview with Fat Oprah. I had a few other things on my DVR in higher priority. All six seasons of Mad Men that I’ve told people I watched but lied, that episode of The Closer where Kyra Sedgwick teaches everybody a lesson in underestimating her, and a bunch of women’s college softball games for when I have the place to myself. Lindsay looks like an ex-addict shiny high on rehab. Like everyone else fresh out of mandatory counseling, she’s taking full responsibility for her actions.

‘I hate the bad rap my parents get. They’re just parents, at the end of the day. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes.’

Yeah, but they’re not just parents. Your dad’s a violent steroid addicted dude who has sold you out on many occasions in between jail stints. Your mom is a drug and alcohol abusing whorebag who had a makeover to look just like you so she could more easily steal your money and cocaine. Yeah, you’re not the only person to grow up with shitty parents, but a good percentage of those people are fucked up too. You need to tell Fat Oprah that your parents a pair of abusive self-indulgent assholes that you’d like to kick in the fucking teeth. Trust me, it’ll go a much longer way toward healing than this total accepting of responsibility nonsense.

Here’s Lindsay outside a restaurant trying to hide the fact that she’s smoking cigarettes. I don’t ever want to go through rehab. It makes you ashamed of everything fun.

Photo Credit: Splash

Jennifer Aniston In A Bikini

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 12:32 PM

Jennifer Aniston In A Red Bikini Top Poolside In Mexico
Sometimes I wonder to myself, will Jennifer Aniston ever find true love? Then I realize those are the bad thoughts they taught me to suppress at conversion camp and I just look at her tits and think she looks pretty damn good.

Here’s Jennifer Aniston wearing a bikini in Cabo. It’s the same exact outfit she wore eighteen months ago in Mexico. I guess money is a bit tight when you’re spending $40K a day to have a Chinese girl spit mountain spring water up your bowels to keep your coat shiny.

Photo Credit: Splash

Drake Was Pulled Over By A Female Cop (VIDEO)

By Travis August 21, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Rapper Drake posted a video to his Instagram yesterday morning after he was pulled over by a female cop for not having a front plate or something, and he spent about 10 seconds talking about how cute the officer was while mentioning that it was “too early.” Then I assume he spent the next 5-10 minutes apologizing profusely for his error and swearing that he’ll rectify the situation as soon as possible, before the cop issued a warning and sent him on his way.

Or maybe she Tazed the shit out of him for an hour and invited children over to kick him in the face. Because that would be pretty cool, too.

Maria Sharapova Almost Changed Her Name To Sugarpova

By Travis August 21, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Tennis star Maria Sharapova apparently has her own candy line, in addition to legs that could snap a grown man’s neck in a split second, and she celebrated the one-year anniversary of the Sugarpova brand yesterday at some store in New York City. Leading up to the big moment of her holding up a bag and sort of smiling, Maria had asked the Florida Supreme Court for permission to legally change her name to Sugarpova during the two weeks of the upcoming U.S. Open tournament.

But she ultimately decided not to make the temporary change, likely because a court official responded, “What are you, a fucking idiot?” and then set her paperwork on fire.

(Photo Credits: WENN.com)

Farrah Abraham Hosted A Party At A Strip Club

By Travis August 21, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

“Entrepreneur”, “celebrity” and porn star Farrah Abraham continued her rise to the bottom as she hosted a party at the Crazy Horse 3 strip club in Las Vegas last night. Things probably still aren’t going as expected for Farrah, who thought that by making a fake sex tape with a porn star that Kim Kardashian would drive an armored truck filled with gold to her new mansion, hand her the keys and shout, “All yours!”

Hell, at this point she has to be wondering if she’s been passed by Sydney Leathers, and I think they should fight to determine which of them is more popular. The venue? Inside a shark’s stomach.

(Photo Credits: Joel Ginsburg/WENN.com)