The target audience for a Paris Hilton auto-tuned cookie-cutter house party track is who exactly? Gay german businessmen awaiting their Craigslist hookups at airport hotels? Sexually rebellious teen girls in Yemen requesting walk on songs at their stoning? Really fucking deaf people? Sure I’d have sex with Paris Hilton. I’d finish in her lazy eye and tell her that’s how I cured Taylor Lautner of his squint. But that can’t possibly be a standard of any sort for musical regard.
Here’s how Miley Cyrus decides what to do next. First, she imagines her presumed dead father just returned home after many years and killed her mom’s lover. Then she smokes salvia until the overture to Tommy stops playing over and over again in her brain. Wing-bang-boom, next thing you know, you’re grinding your spastic tom-boy vagina on a costumed bird in Vegas. It’s just a spin of the wheel really as to where Miley will land next.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Twitter
I’m not sure why a lingerie model would put on a ton of clothes to promote her ass cheeks being painted on the side of a bus, but I object on principle. The whole thing is a marketing campaign for a salon that waxes off all the hair from South Taint Street so your man can finally feel like he’s banging a twelve-year old girl. I don’t suspect they’re going to write that slogan down on the side of a city bus.
Photo Credit: Getty
There are two ways an actress can earn my respect. The first is by having the gumption to take her clothes off in a major motion picture. I can’t remember the second. Even though Amanda Seyfried looks a little bit like the super pale girl they rescue out of some German butcher’s basement after ten years in captivity, I admire how often she takes off her clothes for her work. Her calves are majestic.
Photo Credit: Splash
A man in Columbia took too much Viagra and it led to penile amputation. A 66-year-old farmer named Gentil Ramirez in the town of Gigante, (yes. really), decided to surprise his girlfriend with his chemically induced schlong. Gentil got a little eager with the meds and had a week long erection. Gangrene set in and the doctors had to amputate to save his life. Apparently it’s not super uncommon for older men to die from plowing babes with their blue pill hardons. While God made men fertile until their dying days, he didn’t necessarily want them banging babies into chicks bent over their walkers. I can imagine that giving up the shtupping is about the hardest decision a man must make in his life. But maybe you show him a picture of Gentil’s gangrenous dick to get the emotional recovery ball rolling.
(Picture Via El Diario)
If you’re like me, you were counting the days until Kim Kardashian launched her fifth fragrance line. If her first four aromas, Essential Scabies, Summer of Chlamydia, Krap Meadow, and Shpilkas, didn’t catch your fancy, just wait for Pure Honey, out today in stores.
I wanted Pure Honey to be both light and sweet but also powerfully seductive. As women we all have these dual natures. We can be girly and playful but also tempting and captivating at the same time. Combining the two elements was the perfect way to capture our full femininity. I created it to be delectable and crave-able, like all beautiful women are. — Kim blogging about her new perfume.
I wish I were a woman with the dual power of being sweet but also seductive, playful but also captivating. I also wish I could mask the stench of Kim’s yeasty cooch with the aroma of pure crave-ability. It beats taking a shower.
Kim was out around town hawking her new stench and showing how well simple starvation works to remove the baby weight. She now has stripper turned rapper baby maker Blac Chyna follow her around everywhere so people will stop yelling her name aloud when somebody shouts out, ‘Hey, who’s the skankiest skeez ho in the house?’.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com, PCN
Nicki Minaj made $29 million in the past year, the only hip hop artist with boobs to crack the Top 10 Cash Kings list on Forbes annual ranking of black dudes in baseball hats with funny names making bank.
“I’ve never been afraid to walk into the boy’s club. Ever. Ever, ever, ever.” — Nicki Minaj to Forbes.
Nicki celebrated her honor by flashing her tit and posting it on Instagram. Another secret to cracking the boy’s club. Don’t be afraid to show off your tits. Ever ever ever.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do with this 138 Water product they’re pushing all over town. I think you’re supposed to pour it on your tits as a sexual allegory for being sprayed with jizz. Which is a super damn turn on, until you start associating 138 Water with jizz. I’m not sure I’d pay to drink that. I know the people making it claim that 138 is cool kid slang for I Love You. But what if it really means, I Laugh While You Drink My Jizz. I don’t see that working widely.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet