By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 5:50 PM
Looking back on it now, Kim Kardashian did some crazy shit when she was pregnant. I guess any adventure that begins by having unprotected sex with a rapper is going to be a wild and painfully bumpy ride. Most of the shit she did was obviously for money, those blessed bills that fill the large empty spaces in her soul. But some of this stuff, like this bizarro photo shoot by the equally bizarro Karl Lagerfeld, I think she did just because she was bored and Kanye wasn’t answering her texts during his sex with a normal sized girl nights.
Photo Credit: Karl Lagerfeld/CR Fashion Book
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 4:32 PM
Lindsay Lohan didn’t leave rehab with just the Freshman Fifteen packed on, she got herself a Sober Coach who tracks her every move. Lindsay’s also got Oprah now as her spiritual guide, like a fat Jiminy Cricket on her shoulder telling her all the shit she shouldn’t be doing. Between the two wet blankets, they’ve managed to keep Lindsay on the wagon for an entire month. Partly by nixing some of her travel and work plans, like attending a VMA after party, for fear she’d swig some vodka and beg the boys from One Direction to turn her into a giant swamp of British love seed. They did approve Lindsay attending Fashion Week last night to see her anorexic sister’s show. I guess they also approved her dressing like she’s a long since retired porn actress embarrassing her grandson at his bar mitzvah with sloppy cleavage. Oprah needs to whisper into Lindsay’s ear that it’s time to lose a little tit weight.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 3:07 PM
When it rains, it pours, sort of like the golden shower sexting fantasies of Anthony Weiner. I’m not sure why the dude is still running for Mayor of New York City, other than he really has nothing else to do. 90% of the city has already decided he handles his dick far too much to be a guy in charge of anything, but he simply won’t quit. So he’s still kissing ass around the five boroughs pretending it matters, and now even his own Jewish peeps are turning on him. Including this chubby dude in a Brooklyn bakery who dug into Weiner’s character, to which Weiner countered with the ‘only God has the right to judge me’ bullshit that guilty people like to wield about like a Get Out of Jail Free card. This whole fight is pretty lame. One single punch would’ve made it entirely better. Or even just one ‘Weiner’ word play joke.
By Jack September 05, 2013 @ 2:48 PM
Vast sections of the underemployed world are still talking about Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s controversial performance at the VMAs last week. Both of the music artists have played down any notion that their performance was in any way a big deal meant to create huge controversy.
“They’re overthinking it … You’re thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. Like, I didn’t even think about it ’cause that’s just me.” — Miley Cyrus.
Not so fast. My own source (a buddy of mine who I trust like a brother in a Greek tragedy) was literally standing next to Miley and Robin backstage before they went on. He tells me that any notion that this Tijuana donkey show was impromptu or in the moment is utter bullshit. He specifically heard Thicke and Cyrus talking backstage about how ‘fucking sexy’ they were going to perform. They basically gave each other a pep talk about how far they were going to take it to create a media sensation. Which isn’t surprising in the least. Just, you know, a a big fat lie.
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 2:21 PM
Kris Jenner and the Kardashian publicity team is spinning misinformation on Lamar Odom so fast the tabloids can’t even keep up. According to Kris Jenner, a.k.a. ‘anonymous source’, ‘friend of the couple’ or ‘knowledgeable insider with an ass that smells like Rhino cheese’, Lamar is a crack addicted whore monger who has stained the immaculate Wookie virgin known as Khloe. The goal of these leaks is to shape the story that Khloe is a victimized saint and Lamar is an out of control black pipe fiend. According to People magazine and their unnamed source, Lamar has given up the drugs to enter rehab. According to TMZ, Lamar has not checked into rehab but is merely still missing from his marital treehouse. Kris Jenner has both outlets on her secreted labia phone speed dial so hard to say which one she’s feeding her lies to today. For her part, a distempered Khloe has chewed through nearly two-thirds of the Teflon bars on her sleeping crate putting the entire Jurassic Park on a code yellow status.
By Jack September 05, 2013 @ 1:52 PM
Comic genius and crazy motherfucker Dave Chappelle had some choice words for the town of Hartford, CT…namely that he hopes it is destroyed by nuclear weapons. It all started when Chappelle played a show there last week as a part of his big comeback tour. A bunch of drunk frat types started heckling him. Chappelle said he wouldn’t go on with the show until they stopped. When they didn’t, he sat out his time quietly and then walked off the stage then reflected a week later…
“I wanted to pull a reverse Kramer and call them all crackers or something crazy like that…I don’t want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God I hope it lands in Hartford, Connecticut.”
This seems about right to me. Heckling a live stage performer should be punished by death. I don’t care if they’re shitty, or if they’re Chappelle. It’s like blasting off an air-horn behind a hi-rise construction worker to see if you can get him to lose his balance. It’s not cool in any form or fashion. You want attention, get your ass up on the stage and take a shot. Yeah, a nuclear blast seems harsh, but we are talking about Hartford, and based on the prevailing easterly winds, maybe we lose a little Rhode Island too. We’ll be fine.
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 12:47 PM
Fifteen minutes after that dude who walks funny on Sons of Anarchy and Melanie Griffith’s daughter were cast as the two simulated sex leads in 50 Shades of Grey, the online angry frenzy began. This included yet another petition on Change.org, where miserable people go to have their life’s disappointments validated by tons of girls named Jodie. In this case, the bored suburban housewife and nancy boy outraged type petitioners are demanding Alexis Bledel and Matt Bomer be re-cast as the leads.
MANY PEOPLE SAY THAT WE ARE DOING THIS TO CRITICIZE AND MAKE FUN OF DAKOTA JOHNSON AND CHARLIE HUNNAM …. IT’S NOT TRUE, WE ARE DOING THIS BECAUSE WE WANT AND DESERVE TO BE HEARD. IT’S 2013, IT’S A NEW ERA, THE READERS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS THE DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER … WE ARE THE CRITICAL. WE DESERVE RESPECT.
What you deserve is a good boot kick into your man twat. You’re not all that much worse than the nerd boys all pissy over Ben Affleck being chosen to portray the next Batman. But at least those goobers largely gave up after about 24 hours and went back to being listless mouth breathers. You don’t like the casting choice in the film? Great, take your angry man-woman army and boycott the movie. That 1/5 of one percent of the potential audience loss is going to crush the studios. Your wrath will be felt. Now, there’s only 8 weeks left to sew your disturbingly elaborate adult Halloween costumes. Get on that shit.
Here’s Alexis Bledel in Mad Men. She played a crazy bored housewife who if the show were set in modern times would be signing lots of online petitions.
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 11:48 AM
Every time one of the world’s most famous music artists takes off her clothes for the camera, it’s newsworthy, if not a visual ipecac for the soul. So quit with the fucking ‘quit giving attention whores attention’ letters. You have to chalk mark the begrudging respect column for Lady Gaga’s total lack of shame. If Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera would’ve done photos like this in their early 20′s, I probably would’ve had to say I liked them a lot more too. Still, there’s something about seeing Lady Gaga naked that makes me feel like I’m at a modern art exhibit where everybody better educated than me is murmuring the word ‘genius’ about a vagina shaped bag of sand resting on an overturned Dunkin Donuts coffee cup. I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. I just want to take off this stupid tie, grab a beer, and watch some rigged jai ala matches.
Photo Credit: V Magazine