Wouldn’t it be awesome if Kris Humphries not only had his real twitter but was also writing this identical looking fake one too. So he could talk shit about Kim Kardashian with impunity. Probably not the case though. God forbid these dullards ever do anything even remotely interesting.
Nonetheless, here’s a few highlights…
– “@KimKardashian: I can’t express how proud I am of Rob for getting to the semi-finals!”
I can’t express how shitty you are for divorcing me!
– “@KhloeKardashian: Saying someone is ugly doesn’t make you any prettier”
Unfortunately for you, neither does Photoshop
– In the week since announcing our divorce, Kim has been rammed senseless by more black dudes than the Colts’ offense
– People say Kim’s in hiding. I think she’s just catching up on all the black cock she missed out on while we were married.
– “@KhloeKardashian: Woah… Jet Lag is serious stuff”
So is marriage. Might wanna tell your sister.
– “@KhloeKardashian: OMG! Wheat Thins has a new limited time sweet cinnamon flavor. Why am I so excited about this?”
Because you’re an idiot.
– I’m painting my penis black in hopes that Kim will take me back :(
Michael Jacksons mansion in Holmby Hills and pretty much everything in it are going up for auction next month, including the bed that he died and probably molested kids in, presumably with new sheets. They should throw in a showerhead from the Penn State locker room and make it a theme.
(source = the ap, and heres a list from the auction house of whats for sale)
The AP is reporting now that Joe Paterno will announce later today that he has decided to retire at the end of the season, and HOLY FUCK you have got to be kidding me. They’re gonna let him coach the rest of the season? He shielded a guy who was raping kids! Here’s a quote from Sports Illustrated…
Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly said on Monday that the inaction of Penn State… “likely allowed a child predator to continue to victimize children for many, many years.”
And clearly Penn State still doesn’t give a fuck. Paterno knew as much as anyone, in fact he knew more. Mike McQueary is the GA who says he witnessed Jerry Sandusky raping a 10-year-old boy in the shower, and obviously Paterno and the AD believe him because McQueary got promoted to wide receivers coach after the incident and he’s been there ever since. He accused a coach who had been there for 30 years of molesting kids and Paterno didn’t tell him to fuck off so obviously he believed him. And he did nothing. And now, at least on the surface, he gets to retire on his own terms. This is stunning. They should fire his ass immediately and shoot him off campus in a catapult.
Brett Ratner has been forced out as producer of this years Academy Awards telecast, and yes it’s because of Hollywoods predictably typical PC bullshit. Deadline says…
This comes hours after Academy president Tom Sherak said he was standing behind Ratner despite his using the word “fag” in a Q&A to promote Tower Heist, and speaking graphically about his sex life on the cable TV show Attack of the Show and also in a phone interview with the Howard Stern show.
Now, the biggest question is: Will Eddie Murphy stay on as Oscar host?
Brett Ratner is an asshole and a terrible director but holy shit this is stupid. He obviously wasn’t saying anything homophobic. But now the show needs a new producer and a new direction. Here’s a few suggestions…
- make the losers leave.
- If the winner is ugly just bring the statue to them and let them wave from the crowd.
- If the winner is some foreigner hire a fake interpreter and have him say stuff like “America sucks” and “wow there are a lot of blacks in here.”
At about 7:00pm tonight, Joe Paterno stepped out of his house and addressed some fans who had assembled to show their support. And when you’re done listening to them chant “Let Joe Stay!”, and after you hear Joe ask for a prayer for the kids who got raped because “it’s a tough life when people do certain things to you, but anyway…”, read this from page 7 of the Grand Jury report…
“Joseph V. Paterno testified to receiving the graduate assistants report at his home on a Saturday morning. Paterno testified that the graduate assistant was very upset. Paterno called Tim Curley, Penn State Athletic Director and Paternos immediate superior to his home the very next day, a Sunday, and reported to him that the graduate assistant had seen Jerry Sandusky in the Lasch Building showers fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a young boy.”
Specifically what the graduate assistant saw was…
“As the graduate assistant entered the locker room doors, he was surprised to find the lights and the showers on. He then heard rhythmic, slapping sounds. He believed the sounds to be those of sexual activity. As the graduate assistant put his sneakers in his locker, he looked in the shower. He saw a naked boy … whose age he estimated to be ten years old, with his hands up against the wall, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky.”
And this of course was the second time Sandusky was investigated for molesting kids in a shower. Paterno knew all this, he knew the truth, he knew the AD lied to police and was covering for the guy who fucked a 10 year old in the shower, but he seems ok with that. So maybe this kind of thing is ok with Paterno. Who am I to judge? Maybe the kids were bad.
Lindsay Lohan had an idea for the theme of her Playboy photo shoot and, as you probably guessed, it was dumb. She wanted the pictures to look like a “Kate Moss fashion inspired story,” whatever the hell that means. But Hugh Hefner didn’t like the resulting pictures so he made her do a new set with more of a “classic Hollywood Marilyn Monroe feel”.
So not only has she now done two photo shoots that just copy other photo shoots, but she’s now copying the same thing she copied the first time she posed naked. And boring get’s boringer thanks to this…
This weekend, Lohan was accompanied by lawyers, agents and publicists who, sources said, “gave their two cents about what was considered ‘nude’ and what was not.” Sources said Lohan ended up delivering the Monroe-inspired images Hefner wanted. She’s expected to appear nude, but “strategically covered up” in certain shots.
I suppose it’s too much to hope that they’re talking about her face.
Brett Ratner is absolutely the kind of director who would have sex with young actresses, and Lindsay Lohan is absolutely the kind of young actress who would have sex with a director, so naturally these two had sex for a few months back in 2006, according to Ratner.
Oh but he wasn’t done embarrassing her yet.
“Before I have sex with a girl, I do do one weird thing,” Ratner said. “I do take ‘em to the doctor and check ‘em out. I’m like a cootie freak. I’m a germaphobe. I’m a hypochondriac. Before I go all the way, I send the girl to the doctor and check them for everything. My doctor has a test to tell if you’re going to catch something in the future even.”
Lohan obliged, came back ‘clean’ and the couple enjoyed a few months of fun before she discovered Ratner was cheating on her with at least one Victoria’s Secret model Alina Puscau.
If true, I will admit it takes admirable self control to go through all that before having sex with a girl. I don’t even like asking her a bunch of questions. It might wake her up.