Everyone’s favorite dickhead ex-baseball player Jose Canseco has once again shown why not everyone should have access to Twitter. He was Tweeting away idiotically this morning when the cops showed up at his house. It seems that Jose was a naughty boy and may have raped a girl in Las Vegas. Not only does he live Tweet the cops telling him he was being investigated on a rape charge, he also Tweeted the girl’s name, a picture, and her phone number. He then took it all down but in Internet time it only takes seconds for info to get out. Then he Tweeted about going to Fort Worth to play with cats. I hope they let him Tweet from prison. He’s a big dude, but big dude sex offenders just get raped a little harder. Can’t wait to read the live updates. #AssholeAssRaped.
I understand conservative parents. If you’re not a hyper-concerned bitchy annoying lying to your kids about shit you did when you were young parent, you’re probably not really doing your job. Which is to be an ass. And put food on the table. But I don’t understand why these angry parents groups bother writing another letter to MTV. About Kesha slurping her own UTI plagued pee. That’s what MTV airs. That’s what Kesha does. MTV has been running crap for a decade or more. And I don’t mean crappy music videos, I mean just out and out anti-social young adult behavior programming. And, buy crap for Kesha, I guess I mean urine, which apparently she chugs in her new MTV reality show, Kesha Is Ugly Enough to Do Crazy Shit and We’ve Officially Run Out of Ideas. Though it surely looks like both staged and fake.
If you’re dying to see Kesha and bodily fluids, take a NSWF trip to her post-love juice covered torso HERE. She’s not a shy girl. It’s too bad she looks like my old boss from the furniture factory or she might be fun.
Ryan Gosling, the guy your girlfriend absolutely is thinking about when you’re boning, is being hated on at the Cannes Film Festival. Gosling wasn’t even there to promote his latest movie, Only God Forgives. He was busy being handsome and directing a vanity project in Detroit. It’s probably just as well because audiences hated it. Reaaaallllly hated it. Like, booing and throwing stuff hated. The movie is set in Bangkok and Ryan is a Thai boxing club fighter that has to hunt down the drug guys who killed his brother…which sounds an awful lot like the Jean-Claude Van-Damme classic Kickboxer to me. Anyway, apparently it sucks. Even by French audience standards.
It must be hard for someone like Gosling to be told that the sun doesn’t rise in his ass and set in his dickhole every night. At least he can go to bed each night knowing that lonely chicks are flicking their beans while watching The Notebook for the 400th time.
When I see Ireland Baldwin, I see nothing but trouble. Big future soul sucking trouble. Balls will be busted, lives with be ruined. Mental health professionals will write their dissertations on the social impact of Ireland Baldwin’s succubus proclivities. Yet, men will stand in line to sign up. They’ll talk about sports and the weather and other trivial conversation, but they’ll all know why they’re there. And a common shame will fall upon them that’s very easy to ignore.
Photo Credit: PCN
The folks at TMZ got their hands on the NDA agreement visitors to Justin Bieber’s mansion must sign before entering his humble abode built on his love of Christ and family. In short, the agreement says if you snitch about seeing people getting high, he’ll sue your ass for $5 million.
…anyone who blabs about any of the goings on inside the mansion will get nailed, and that includes the “physical health, or the philosophical, spiritual or other views or characteristics” of Bieber or the guests.
If you dare tweet about the party — $5 mil. If you blog — $5 mil. If you Instagram — $5 mil.
Unless you’re a drug dealer, a hot chick who hates the fuck out of her daddy, or an adult nursing relationship mother figure Justin leans on during his period, you’re probably not going to find yourself inside Justin’s house to begin with. But I know a guy who was and he tells me he saw Justin, big burly security guards, and a horde of teenage girls drinking around the pool. Throw in some weed and blow and you probably have the evening parties. Or exactly what everybody knows goes on with every wealthy young music artist ever. So why the crazy secrecy and threats? I don’t know, Justin is just a special kind of douche.
This is the third official Cannes Film Festival for Sharon Stone’s latest version tits. Not bad for rentals really. Sharon barely made it through customs as European countries continue to crackdown on the transporting of freshly drawn children’s blood from which Sharon draws her life sustaining force. Next stop for Sharon, the Venice Film Festival followed by death.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, WENN
Doug Hutchison took Courtney Stodden to Disneyland to celebrate the 2nd anniversary of his first statutory rape. The 50-something Doug is quick to point out he first fell in love with Courtney online before he even knew her precise grade in high school. The two would talk quite innocently for hours in a chatroom about acting and artistic inspiration and how good Doug’s dick would feel inside Courtney’s still developing body. Courtney’s mom monitored all of her daughters chats with Doug, as well as carefully investigating the future net worth of his SAG residuals from Lost. In the end, she gave her approval and thanks to the more lenient laws of the State of Nevada, the two were united in matrimony. There really is no sweeter love than that between an older man who can only get it up for teen girls and any random teenage girl willing to let him have sex with her. Congratulations, you two.
Photo Credit: WENN