Taylor Swift got dumped because she’s “asexual and wouldn’t put out”

By brendon January 10, 2013 @ 6:39 PM

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This should have been obvious based on nothing but the awful, frumpy bikinis she always wears, but Taylor Swift is a boring prude. Seriously. Just look at that god damn picture. What’s drier, the sand or her vagina?

That was rhetorical but I bet Harry Styles of ‘One Direction’ would know, because that’s reportedly why he broke up with her.

(Styles) dumped Taylor Swift after growing tired of her “asexual” ways, Radar.com says.
“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a wh*re because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude.”

The good news for Taylor is that there are lots of guys who would love to spend the night with a pale and bony stiff who just lies there in bed. The bad news is that they’re necrophiliacs.

Britney quit the X Factor (before they could fire her)

By brendon January 10, 2013 @ 2:12 PM

Britney Spears will take the $15 million she made this year as a judge on ‘the X Factor’ and walk, choosing not to return for a second season (though she was likely to be fired anyway). Sources says she wants to focus on making her next album (her 8th), but Britney said, “I was on the X Factor? Oh ma God I was wonderin what that was. Did I win? Did I get any stuff?”

Gisele is the latest Terry Richardson victim

By brendon January 10, 2013 @ 2:03 PM

In the past I’ve mocked famous Hollywood photographer Terry Richardson, and rightfully so because he’s a weirdo and all he ever does is have girls stand in front of a blank wall. But in these new copies of his shoot with Giselle Bundchen, he went to the floral department at Ralphs and got some balloons before having her stand in front of a blank wall. So I take it all back; talk about spreading your wings artistically!

(note: the faceless international conglomerate that owns tyler is moving some stuff over to a new server today so i can’t upload pics. so instead im using imgr for now. which is kinda depressing because I think I might like this better.)

Lindsay steals jewelry from old ladies now

By brendon January 09, 2013 @ 7:17 PM

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Driven to a life of crime after suffering the hardships of fortune and success,
Lindsay Lohan stole a bracelet
that Elizabeth Taylor gave to a nurse that cared for her for many years, and who then made the mistake of showing it to Lindsay while on the set of ‘Liz and Dick’.

Obviously, there’s no need to preface anything here with “allegedly” or “reportedly”, because Lindsay is 100 percent guilty and she absolutely robbed the old lady. She probably pushed her down the stairs and yelled “suck my dick” too.

“Elizabeth (Taylor) had given the nurse an expensive bracelet that was very meaningful to her and the nurse absolutely cherished it. Lindsay immediately fell in love with the bracelet the minute she saw it and was very vocal about how much she admired it. A short time later, the bracelet disappeared from the nurse’s house … on the very same day Lindsay had been to visit.
“The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down after she called Lindsay and she swore she did not take the bracelet and categorically denied having it in her possession. The nurse knew that was a blatant lie as the bracelet disappeared after Lindsay was at the house and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it. In the end, it took over a week to get the bracelet back from Lindsay and it was only returned after the nurse threatened to call the cops.”

Ahh, a classic Lindsay caper. Meaning she was the only suspect and it was immediately solved. Someone should tell Danny Ocean here that she might not wanna loudly fawn over the object she plans to steal minutes later. It’s kind of a giveaway. If Lindsay tried to poison you, your drink would be green with fog coming off the top and she’d hand it to you with fireplace tongs.

Anne Hathaway is dark and brooding

By brendon January 09, 2013 @ 3:01 PM

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Anne Hathaway was one of the many big stars in New York last night for the 2013 National Board of Review Awards, and after that she went over to the organic coffee house to read some of her goth poetry.

(image source = getty, wenn, splash)

ESPN apologized to Katherine Webb

By brendon January 09, 2013 @ 2:11 PM

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The BCS Championship game on Monday was the coming out party for Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron and his new girlfriend, Miss Alabama Katherine Webb, both in the sense that it was their first major public appearance together, and because she looks like a man. HOW BRAVE OF THEM! Because with her hard masculine features and bolted on B cups, Katherine isn’t fooling anyone except vision impaired ESPN announcer Brett Musburger, who carried on and on and on about her during the game.

And though ESPN has now issued an apology, Webb was on the Today show this morning to say it wasn’t necessary.

“I think the media has been really unfair to [Musburger]. I think if he had said something along the line if we were hot or sexy, I think that would be a little bit different,” Webb told Matt Lauer.
“The fact that he said we were beautiful and gorgeous, I don’t think any woman wouldn’t be flattered by that. I appreciate it, but at the same time I don’t think I needed an apology.”

Quite the little lady, she is. She even managed to go the whole 5 minutes without spitting, scratching her crotch, or saying “there sure are a lot of niggers in New York”, all of which are new records for a female Crimson Tide fan.

Mariah Carey is looking well

By brendon January 08, 2013 @ 6:35 PM

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Mariah Carey looked about as good as she ever has when she took this pr photo yesterday on a beach in Australia. After that she held a black mass and killed a bunch of animals as an offering to the dark lord. Mariah Carey is controversial!

you can buy Khloe Kardashians used bra if thats what youre in to

By brendon January 08, 2013 @ 5:11 PM

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Wouldn’t it be great to buy the actual sports bra and yoga pants that Khloe Kardashian wore to the gym at some unspecified point in time? Of course not, it would be pointless and disgusting, but you can do it anyway on her ebay store. In fact you can buy a whole wardrobe, choosing from hundreds of items, from sunglasses to bags to heels with studs on them; everything a giantess or cross dresser might need.

While it’s true it would have been easier for her to donate these items to a charity, that would mean she’d miss out on the .99 cents she’d make on these jeans, or the $1.04 for these pants, and so fuck them.

My hope is that at least one of the items is bought by a chemist/murderer who will scrape the clothes for DNA and engineer some untraceable Kardashian poison.