Irina Shayk Is Mostly Naked

By Lex March 21, 2013 @ 4:07 PM

Remember that Natural Beauty project that we showed you yesterday that featured a mighty good looking Emma Watson? Well, she just got sent back to the kiddie table. Here’s a very grown up Irina Shayk in her photos for the very same campaign. The photo art show set to tour the nation’s major metropolitan errors and raise awareness for the plight of Mother Earth. I’m down for that. Not so much the saving the planet part. But seeing Irina Shayk naked. Unless you’re a world famous soccer player, you’ve got no chance of doing that in private. So do the planet saving thing and think of Irina Shayk naked while you’re banging a zoftig hippy chick who cries when she thinks of climate change.

Sara Sampaio Is Extremely Good Looking

By Lex March 21, 2013 @ 3:27 PM

I’ve never met a girl from Portugal who wasn’t hot. I’ve met three. They’ve all been out of my league, by several leagues. Put Sara Sampaio in that category. I feel like she’s perhaps one of the best looking women in the world. But I feel that way about many women and I say it to any woman I think might sleep with me. Still, being a Victoria’s Secret model is some distinguishing mark on your resume. It’s something you can drop in conversations when the bitches be getting catty with you. Yeah, I didn’t notice my shoes were last season when I was wearing them for Victoria’s Secret lingerie catalog shoot. Or stuff like that. In reality, I have no idea how women talk to each other. But I do watch TV and that’s how it goes down.

China Challenges America With The Sausage Double Beef Burger

By Jack March 21, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Where is the nastiest, fattest, deadliest burger? It’s at McDonalds…in China. It’s a sausage double beef burger and it is a thing of beauty. Two “beef” patties, (it is China so it might be cat), and two sausages with mustard and a bun. You have to respect China for its balls. While we are adding garden salads and putting calorie counts on our fast food menus, China is creating a fuck-you-colon on a sesame seed bun. Some might see this as a novelty menu item or just a taste treat for the morbidly obese. I think it’s a challenge. The Chinese McDonalds honchos are throwing down the unhealthy gauntlet at the feet of the fast food giant’s American CEOs. I say we show them who the masters of cholesterol really are.

Who first expanded the waistbands of the world if not the USA? You think you can beat us by sticking a couple of sausages on a burger? Are we not the country that invented the KFC Double Down and the Taco Bell Cool Ranch Dorito Taco? We’re falling behind in innovation and it’s time we show the world that no one outfats us!

God that thing looks fucking delicious.

Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens Can Be Peeped

By Lex March 21, 2013 @ 2:48 PM

Yep, it’s really been seven years since you were left holding your dong in your hands and trying not to remember any of the songs from High School Musical as you met Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale for the very first time. As gay and almost statutorial rapey as that Disney musical experience was, it has blossomed, into two still tiny, but pretty damn hot young women who are still best friends, and gym partners. On the scale of Peeping Tom perversions, checking out girls in their 20′s in stretch pants and low cut tops working out is not nearly as damning as watching late teen girls dance with Zac Efron. So you’re good to go.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Natalia Paris Says Chicken Makes You Gay; Then She Humps a Bear (VIDEO)

By Bill March 21, 2013 @ 1:51 PM

Like most celebrities, Natalia Paris feels a need to share her profound thoughts on social and global issues of the day. That’s true for American celebrities or famous Colombian models who used to be shacked up with one of Pablo Escobar’s top lieutenants. Today, Natalia Paris decided to state that eating chicken produced with hormones is making boys gay. Now, I’ll go as scientifically far as to say that all the hormones we’re using in meat are probably giving some grade school boys tits. But, so is soy and tofu. So maybe our next generation of boys are just doomed to be buying training bras at twelve. But making them crave other boys? That seems like something out of the mind of a Latina model who once read a magazine article while on a private jet in between blowing a drug lord.

Here’s Natalia explaining her theory. It helps if you can speak or read Spanish. But you get the idea.

Are Kanye And Kim Really Calling Their Crotch Troll North West?

By Jack March 21, 2013 @ 1:18 PM

Guess what Kanye West and Kim Bigasses’ baby name is rumored to be. Go on, guess. Did you guess a normal unobnoxious name? Then you are wrong. They are reportedly calling their celeb larvae North. North West. Like, the direction. Would someone please slip that bitch some pitocin in her drink so we can get this gestation over with already. It’s going to be even worse once Kim shits out this flesh turd and calls it North. Can you imagine what kind of monster the coupling of these two massive egos will produce? Add to that a stupid fucking name and you have the recipe for an asshole the likes of which the world has never seen.

Where is it written that celebrities can’t just give their kids normal names? Just this past month Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow. Then there is Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor or walking douchenozzle Pete Wentz’s kid Bronx Mowgli. What’s in a name? Probably, a future of drug abuse, entitlement, and abusing household servants.

Audrina Patridge Bikinis in a Hula Hoop on a Beach by an Ocean

By Lex March 21, 2013 @ 12:38 PM

There are two possible reasons for why Audrina Patridge is doing the hula hoop in a bikini on the beach. One, she is pretty dumb. That’s not really so much a reason as it is an explanation for an entire array of inexplicable actions on the part of the former Hills hybrid reality star. Two, she’s being paid. I’m betting on two because even though one is certainly true, I don’t think she finds her way to a toy store to buy a hula hoop all by herself. There’s outside management at work here. In either case, she’d make one hell of a hula hoop instructor. Or trophy wife I could never afford.

Photo credit: WENN

Make Octomom a Prison Bitch: A Softer Female Perspective

By Sophie March 21, 2013 @ 11:37 AM

Octomom is facing jail time for committing welfare fraud. She’s been on the dole to support herself and her fourteen fucking kids (which is a doubly inappropriate curse as she never actually fucked to get the kids), but thanks to her stripping and miserable attempt at a porn video worthy of male spanking, she actually made almostĀ $200,000 in 2012. Apparently, California does not see $200K as being in the needy camp, fourteen kids or not. So, she’s been ‘investigated’, which is welfare fraud department for being ID’ed by the Pre-Cogs. You’re guilty.

Octomom should just cop to it, pack her surgically rejuvenated labia luggage, and head straight to The Big House. It would be the best thing that ever happened to her. I’d rather be in jail getting railed with broomsticks by some cell block enforcer dyke than at home trying to support fourteen whiney brats that look like a mix between me and the bus station vagrant who donated his sperm for a bottle of Thunderbird. While Octomom is in jail, the kids should be declared free and legal tender so Jennifer Aniston can buy them up and make them the babies she won’t have with any of the dudes she’s been madly in love with the past 20 years. Octomom is obsessed with Angelina Jolie, so Jen purchasing her offspring is the closest that basic bitch would ever get to stealing Angie’s life.