Kim Kardashian Is So Punk Rock

By Travis May 07, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Vogue editor Anna Wintour had famously banned Kim Kardashian from her annual Met Gala in previous years, but one of the perks of dating the world’s biggest rap star is that people tend to change their minds. So after Kim, Anna and Kanye West got together for lunch recently, it was pretty clear that Anna had lifted the ban for this year’s punk-themed event, which took place last night in New York City.

And while the rest of the stars that didn’t need special consideration showed up in outfits that adhered to the “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” theme (that naturally pissed off some in the punk world), Kim decided to dress as a set piece from the Golden Girls. In defense of the dress, it was designed by Kanye’s best friend, Riccardo Tisci of Givenchy, but Kim had it altered to feature sleeves because her stylist thought it made her arms look fat, according to The Daily Mail.

“Yes, her arms,” replied everyone with vision.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Lindsay Comes Clean Before Betty Ford

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 7:14 PM

Talk about your total pile of revisionist excrement. Lindsay Lohan did one last tell-all with Piers Morgan for the Daily Mail to get some cash for smokes at Betty Ford. It includes such unlikely gems as:

Lohan claims that “the first time” she’d taken drugs was when she was popped for her first DUI on May 26, 2007, and police found cocaine in her car.

Yeah, and, uh-huh. Maybe British people will believe that one. And my aunt Chelle. She’s big on horoscopes and alien abductions. But, wait, there’s more. Lindsay laughs off the idea that she’s a heavy former child actress drinker, a mild social consumer at best. a teetotaler really.

Lohan claims she didn’t have her first drink until she was 17, and that mom Dina taught her a lesson the first time she did. “I got really sick and Mum made me sleep with vomit still on me so I’d understand how it felt.”

It probably felt like sleeping with Michael Lohan. Maybe mom was sending you a bigger message. Maybe it was a cry for help from your drug addicted abused mother!

And, finally one honest moment:

“I’ve been court-ordered to do [rehab] six times. I could write the book on rehab. Constantly sending me to rehab is pointless. The first few times I was court-ordered to rehab it was like a joke, like killing time,” and that “they just asked me the same old questions I’d answered before.”

Of course rehab is pointless. You don’t do drugs and you had a couple drinks once in high school. That’s why it’s worse for you than jail time. You can handle the prison rapes and used sanitary napkin beat downs, it’s the hypocrisy that kills you.

Kendall Jenner Is Back On Instagram

By Steve G. May 06, 2013 @ 5:42 PM

If looking at (and harassing) a 17 year old on instagram is wrong then (I’ll do it more discreetly) I don’t want to be right. Kendall Jenner posted two more selfies on her page, basically practicing for the money shot scene in one of my most anticipated fictional sex tapes. My expectations are so outrageously huge for this thing; the only way it could even hope to meet them would be if it included a twist where everyone in the Kardashian tribe died at the end, except for Kendall of course. She would be standing over the bloody corpses of her family wearing nothing but the respect of her nation.

Finally, I’m Paying Attention to The Great Gatsby

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 5:31 PM

Olivia Culpo In See Through Dress At Screening Of The Great Gatsby In NYC
Officially, every movie has to be in 3D now. It’s the Hollywood law of sucky films. Even 1920′s bromance tragedies, or comedies, I can’t remember the book that well or much from high school except Don’t Use the Second Floor Boy’s Room and JayJay sells the crack weed. But I’m pretty sure this whole ‘another Gatsby’ spectacle is going to be a horrible waste of time. Except for the cool ENT disease you can pick up from the 3D glasses the last sneezed on.

But, a bright spot. Miss Universe Olivia Culpo showed up to the screening wearing a see-through dress. Finally, a beauty pageant winner who gets how to make the world a better place.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN, WENN

I’m No Longer Thinking of Alanis Morissette When I **** Other Women

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 4:14 PM

Alanis Morissette In A Bikini In Hawaii
Realistically, I’d probably still let her go down on me in a theater. I’m not without my weakness. But, yeah, I don’t feel it anymore when she runs her nails down the back of the guy at the Marie Callender’s pie counter to get a bigger slice. There’s nothing worse than a chunky vegan.

Here’s Alanis on vacation in Hawaii. I await your angry letters about the physical burden of child bearing. Which she experienced two and a half years ago.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Chris Brown Ain’t Up For Wife-ing, Not On His Birthday

By Jack May 06, 2013 @ 3:44 PM

Chris Brown Partying At 1 Oak Nightclub In Las Vegas
Piece of shit woman beater Chris Brown announced that he and Rihanna have broken up…again. This time it appears that it has to do with Brown’s fear of commitment. You’d think that once you punch a woman into the hospital that that would bond you forever, but no. When asked by an Australian radio show if he was going to spend his 24th birthday alone, he answered not so intelligibly:

“Yeah, Imma do it solo. I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her thang, she on the road …It’s always gonna be love. I’m just gonna do me. I’m a grown man. Just gotta fast forward…And at the end of the day, she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young.”

That’s right, wife-ing. That’s the act of making some shawty yo wife. It’s a verb, like drinking, abusing, or douchebagging. I’m sure Rihanna is still broken up. Girls get that way even over breakups with abusive tools who can’t take the time to master ebonics.

Here’s Chris Brown at his birthday over the weekend doing solo. It’s painful to think about just how many girls offered to blow him for free.

Photo Credit: Splash

Megan Fox Gets Down to Business

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 3:12 PM

Megan Fox On Set Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle In NYC
When Megan Fox arrives on set, it’s time for the real acting to begin. This time, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The film sparked an uproar early on among computer science majors when it was suggested this origins movie would give the turtles an alien background, not make them real earthbound mutants. Unless you’re getting laid by a girl in thick glasses you really need to not engage in these types of conversations. They’ll only lead to early onset diabetes. It’s going to be dumb either way. But Megan Fox has three mouths to feed now, so I’m guessing she’ll show a lot of cleavage. It’s on my go-list.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Amanda Bynes Admits To Nose Job

By Jack May 06, 2013 @ 2:23 PM

Walking train wreck Amanda Bynes has admitted that she had a nose job. You don’t fucking say? The former teen star, who now looks like a monstrous version of her former self, said that’s why she doesn’t want magazines using old pictures of her. She confessed on Twitter:

“The reason I’ve asked all magazines and blogs to stop using old photos of me is I don’t look like that anymore. I had a nose job to remove skin that was like a webbing in between my eyes…I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but I look so much prettier in my new photos that I don’t want old photos used anymore.”

Do you really look prettier or do you now resemble Ron Perlman? I wonder what obvious fact she’ll “reveal” next. Mental illness? Drug abuse? That What a Girl Wants was a horrible fucking movie?