heres why Johnny Depp has a dead bird on his head

By brendon April 23, 2012 @ 5:13 PM

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Despite a wide variety of idiotic theories (like this Marilyn Manson one), Johnny Depp now says that he owes his look as Tonto in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie to a painting of a Crow Indian. And the fact that he saw it wrong. EW says…

“I’d actually seen a painting by an artist named Kirby Sattler, and I looked at the face of this warrior and thought: That’s it.’
“It just so happened Sattler had painted a bird flying directly behind the warrior’s head. It looked to me like it was sitting on top. I thought: Tonto’s got a bird on his head. It’s his spirit guide in a way. It’s dead to others, but it’s not dead to him. It’s very much alive.”

So is this still supposed to be a respectful look at Native American spirituality? Because the hero takes advice from a dead bird on his head. Even Chief Wahoo of the Cleavland Indians would think that’s kinda racist.

Katy Perry Has a New Boyfriend

By author April 23, 2012 @ 4:03 PM

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While Brendon has retreated back to whatever dark place only the power of an Angelina Jolie-related story can draw him from, I have returned to you as mystery writer to make sure that you don’t remain ignorant to the fact that Katy Perry‘s vagina is once again being penetrated. TMZ reports:

The two were also spotted together at the music festival last weekend … and according to some reports, Katy was already referring to him as her “boyfriend.”

That music festival happens to be Coachella, where talented musicians — who most likely have wives and/or girlfriends at home — like Robert Ackroyd, guitarist for Florence + The Machine, get to have casual sex with less talented “musicians” like Katy Perry. It’s like Woodstock, only this time penicillin is no match for what they’ll be transmitting to their significant others.

(Image Source = Pacific Coast News)

by sheer coincidence, Jennifer Aniston is getting married too

By brendon April 23, 2012 @ 1:24 PM

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Because Jennifer Aniston would literally die if she had to sit back for the next few months and watch Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan their romantic storybook wedding, Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend Justin Theroux are apparently getting married now too. Except even sooner, and even more romantic storybookier.

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.??

Crete sounds like a good choice because I don’t think that’s even a real fucking place and maybe her desperation isn’t as well known there as it is everywhere else. All the hours Aniston has spent daydreaming, arranging a roomful of cardboard cut-outs of famous people placed in chairs like an awards show rehearsal and then having someone say they agree to marry her, will finally pay off.

Selena Gomez says kissing Justin Bieber is humiliating

By brendon April 20, 2012 @ 7:01 PM

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Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber were at the Lakers-Spurs game in LA on Tuesday night, and this morning on Ryan Seacrests radio show (audio here) she was asked about being shown on the Staples Center “kiss-cam”. I’m assuming it did not go as Justin Bieber would have liked.

“That was probably the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me. Probably.”
“I thought those were funny, and they were doing, like, these little elderly couples and it was so cute, and then all of a sudden we were both looking up and then we come on and it’s like, oh, so awkward. It was so weird.”

Well of course she feels that way. She’s 19. Every other girl her age has already figured out that Justin Bieber is a little douche. Just admitting that you like him is humiliating enough. Actually having to kiss him in public would be an unthinkable disgrace. Even those guys who fuck their cars must look at her with a disgusted pity.

Rihanna is gay now or something

By brendon April 20, 2012 @ 5:42 PM

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Rihanna went on her twitter last night to claim she was on her first date in almost 2 yearz. And I didn’t write “yearz” because I’m racist, but because that’s what she wrote. My racism was merely a coincidence.

Later she added a picture of her “date”, a girl named Melissa Forde, saying she was her “lover for the night”, and soon after that they left The Roxbury hand in hand.

So I guess we’re supposed to think she’s gay now and then carry on about it. And maybe I would have if she had chosen someone hotter. Or if she said this girl answered her craigslist ad looking for someone to eat. But just two 7′s making out? Yeah no thanks.

(image source = splash)

Lindsays not so indignant about those assault charges anymore

By brendon April 20, 2012 @ 4:13 PM

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When Marisa Dugas first filed charges accusing Lindsay Lohan of assault, Lindsay was outraged, demanding an investigation and swearing that she never even left the house that night, and her spokesperson vowed to make an example of people like Dugas.

But that was when Lindsay thought there was no proof of her at the club. Now that there’s video, and the police have it, she’s suddenly not in the mood to talk about it.

Cops investigating claims that Lindsay Lohan assaulted a woman at The Standard Hotel want to talk, but she has no plans to meet with them, Radar is reporting.
“Law enforcement had been in contact with Lindsay’s attorney last week, and they wanted to formally interview her. The lead investigator was told that Lindsay wasn’t going to be made available at this time though. She is under no obligation to be interviewed, but Marisa, her friend and the bouncer who witnessed the alleged assault, have all been formally interviewed.”

In a related story, others (like Radar and Ryan Seacrest) are now reporting what I’ve been saying for months, which is that Lifetime still has not cast Lindsay for their Elizabeth Taylor movie. She keeps saying they have but it’s not true and never has been. She just lies nonstop, about absolutely everything. Don’t be surprised if one day it comes out that Lindsay Lohan is literally the devil.

NOTE: I won’t bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but I had a bit of an emergency Wednesday night and I apologize for disappearing since then. Actually I’ve been pretty flaky in general lately, I realize that. I’ve had some other issues that have made work harder than it should be but I swear that starting Monday I’ll knock it off and get things more consistent, and timely, and better. Sry. And thx.

Mel Gibson seems upset about the fucking cunt cocksucker whores (audio)

By brendon April 18, 2012 @ 7:36 PM

The Wrap has a new audio recording of Mel Gibson, and yes, he’s still a raving lunatic who will completely lose his mind at the drop of a hat.

This one was recorded in December during a working vacation at Gibsons home in Costa Rica to discuss a script for a movie called ‘The Maccabees’. In attendance were Gibson, screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Eszterhas’ wife and 15-year-old son, screenwriter Randall Wallace (who wrote ‘Braveheart’), Wallaces’ girlfriend, and a friend of Gibsons named Brad Hillstrom.

Keep that part in mind when you hear Mel smash shit and scream “Who the fuck wants to eat?”, because he’s yelling at two women and a 15-year-old boy. And when Gibson yells, “I am earning money for a filthy little cocksucker who takes advantage of me”, he’s referring to his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. But mostly he’s yelling at Eszterhas, which is why it’s so awesome that it was his son who recorded all this on his iPad.

Here’s a transcript:

(screaming)
Why don’t I have a first draft of “The “Maccabees”?
What the fuck have you been doing?
I’ll type it!
— mumbling inaudible —
It’s her!
— mumbling inaudible —
I go to work, you’re getting paid, I’m not! Shit!
I am earning money for a filthy little cocksucker who takes advantage of me!
Just like every motherfucker!
So hurry the fuck up!
(Throwing things, knocking down the totem pole)
Fuck! God!
(Coming up from the billiard room and approaching the table and screaming at his guests)
Who wants to eat?! Who the fuck wants to eat?! Go have something to eat!
 Hurrrrraaaaayyyyyy!
(Screaming)
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuckin’ hate!
Fucking cunt cocksucker whore!
(Very hoarse)
Fuck!
(Screaming as he runs toward the driveway, gets into his car and drives away)

Wait, Mel Gibson had a totem pole?

Justin Bieber is really cool, totally not a douche

By brendon April 18, 2012 @ 5:30 PM

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Selena Gomez dropped Justin Bieber off this morning on her way to the Jimmy Kimmel show studio, and if you still don’t understand what a cool badass he is, maybe you didn’t see his jeans. See how low he wears them? This guy doesn’t play by the rules. Unless the rules are to copy black kids from 2010, in which case, yes, he plays by them to the letter.

(image source = fame/flynet)