For the second time in three years Taylor Swift won Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards, but the real winner last night was all of us because Katy Perry had pink hair and wore this dress that showed off her big tits. Katy also brought those homemade cupcakes that were such a big hit at the after party, so you can go fuck yourself Taylor Swift.
Just like Justin Timberlake last weekend, Mila Kunis kept her word after accepting an invitation posted on youtube and attended the Marine Corps Ball in Greenville, North Carolina, on Saturday with Sgt. Scott Moore. Unlike Timberlake however, Kunis let her date get to third base. Conclusion: Timberlake is a queer with ties to al-qaeda. You won’t get away with this you traitorous piece of shit!
A bandage dress is supposed to be a flattering dress that gives support and creates an hourglass figure. But Christina Aguilera is 90 percent cookies and cake, so the bandage dress she wore on the American Music Awards last night was no match for her fat stomach as it sloshed back and forth when she moved, like a drink in a big cup when you drive around corners. What she needs is actual bandages. As in the kind they wrap you in after 40 hours of liposuction.
There’s a trend in advertising lately where we’re supposed to think the photogenic, well-dressed people in the commercial are real people who don’t know they’re in a commercial. And they all look like shit and not spontaneous at all and I assumed the one for Chevy where a guys sons track down his old Impala was another one of those but apparently it’s not. Apparently it’s true. So good job commercials. You’ve trained me to think everything you tell me is a lie. Surely that will benefit you in the long run.
As you read this keep in mind that Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book filled with dating advice despite the fact that she’s 32, has never been married and in fact can’t even keep a boyfriend for more than a few months.
Jennifer Love Hewitt might just be the most unlucky-in-love Hollywood starlet! Her latest boyfriend, 27-year-old actor Jarod Einsohn, has broken up with her — via text message, a source tells InTouch.
“She cannot keep a boyfriend. She is very overbearing, and if things don’t go her way, she becomes a diva and flips out.”
And so it seems this tale of romantic woe has come to it’s predictable end, all wrapped up in a neat little bow.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, dumped. Thrown away like yesterdays garbage.
Feels like I’ve heard this song before.
Maybe. I had to be certain. It wouldn’t be easy.
In this town Truth and Danger walk hand in hand but the clock was ticking so I donned a disguise and drove to Jennifer’s house.
As I stepped out of the car I straightened my red windbreaker and pulled my mesh ball cap low to cast a shadow over my fake mustache.
I knocked on the door.
A voice. Female. Tubby.
“Who is it,” Jennifer fatly asked.
“Eye-a gotta da peetza for you,” I said. “You-a order da peetza?”
The door flung open.
“Well, no,” she said, disappointed but with a glean in her eye that told me she was hatching a plan.
She bit the head off a peeps marshmallow bunny and continued.
“What kind of pizza is it?”
Time to bait the hook.
“Oh-a you-a know, juss-a da regular…”
I opened the lid, showed her the prize inside. Her face lit up like it was Christmas morning.
“Eetz-a da pepporni peetza, topped witha da fried chicken anna da hot fudge. You-a know-a what, you sucha da pretty lady, why-a you no take-a da slice…”
In a flash I pulled off my mustache.
“…Jennifer Love Hewitt!”
She knew she’d been played.
“You son of a bitch!”
Her beefy hand snapped up to slap me, I caught her wrist, stopped it just short.
“Careful now Love. Be a shame if I dropped this hot delicious pizza.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she said, choking on her words, desperate to be right.
“Well all I need is to ask a few questions, and then after that what happens to this pizza is entirely up to you,” I replied.
So, anyway, long story short, yeah that dude dumped her in a text because she’s a pain in the ass.
Joe Paternos son announced today that Paterno has a treatable form of lung cancer. Paterno, who is 84, is undergoing treatment and his son said “doctors are optimistic he will make a full recovery.” He also joked that “this is why dad couldn’t blow the whistle on Sandusky,” which I feel was in bad taste.
January Jones took her two-month-old son Xander to a doctor’s office in Santa Monica yesterday, or at least January was there, followed later by her nanny who actually had the baby. Januarys approach to parenting is, “lets not make this personal.”
If you think that being in the middle of a cheating scandal would stop Ashton Kutcher from sounding like a pretentious jackass while he pontificates on the secrets to a good relationship, please allow me to introduce you to Ashton Kutcher. He has new interviews in the December editions of ‘Mens Health‘ and ‘Womens Health’, where he revealed his key to a happy marriage.
“I think it’s all about working on the relationship and making it better when it’s good. Don’t wait for a problem to work on things. The goal is not to get into a relationship; the goal is to be in a relationship.”
“At least that’s what it says here on my list of pandering things to say to a magazine for women to make me seem romantic and sensitive.”
When asked what compliment he’d most like to receive from a woman, Kutcher said:
“I would just like a woman someday, somewhere, at some point in my life to say to me, ‘You’re a great listener’ Haven’t heard it yet, and that’s a superior compliment to get from a woman. But I’m going to work on it.”
“As your wife I really hate it when you go out and bang random whores. Ashton are you listening to me?”
And what might be the most revealing comment of all, Kutcher remarked, “I could never be with a woman who felt like she needs to change me.”
“Well I could be, as long as she minds her own business.”