Don’t think this is because I hate you. Somebody needs to observe the way in which midgets are being abused by Miley Cyrus in the name of entertainment. Not only do these smooshed people have to dress like they ride the short bus to the Lollypop Guild School, at their stature they’re going to be getting a full whiff of Cyrus crotch that I’m told is washed about as often as your average cook staff lave sus manos when leaving the restaurant bathroom. Somebody full sized needs to secure those midgets from beneath the magic mushrooms and avoid the Koopa with the pasties.
I’m starting to dig this Joanna Krupa girl. Even though she married a swarthy man in South Florida who describes himself as a ‘nightclub investor’. You can’t let a dangerous mob husband get in the way of a hot neighbor lady affair. Everybody has to die somehow, why not a meat cleaver buried in your skull from behind as you take it to Joanna Krupa. You’d probably get a Taiwanese cartoon parody out of it.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
A word of advice: avoid Quantas airlines. Not only are the pilots tipping back some Fosters but there are possibly snakes on the plane. Yes, just like the classic Sam Jackson film. A flight leaving Sydney was grounded for several hours when a rat snake was found slithering around the cabin. Officials don’t know where the fuck it came from, which is maybe the scariest part. At least the species is harmless. Earlier this year a 9 foot fucking python was found wandering around a Quantas cabin. I remember watching the Crocodile Hunter, (respect), and him telling us that Australia has some of the most poisonous snakes in the world. I was considering a Quantas flight to India later this year but I prefer not to have the life squeezed out of me or to be bitten in the fucking neck for my trouble. Then again, I’d choose that over seventeen hours in flight with a dominant airplane culture that doesn’t believe in deodorant. I’m looking at you, Air France.
If my dog displayed that very same face to me, I’d rush her to the vet and beg the doc to make her better. But for spastic Miley Cyrus at the iHeart Radio Concert in Vegas, that Candida covered tongue just means somebody’s been sucking on a few unkempt wrecking balls. She really ought to mount a Purell dispenser on one of her shoulders if she cares about the public good.
Not saying things aren’t going peachy fucking wonderful for Demi Lovato, but booking the Burlington, Mass Microsoft store opening isn’t what you call a ladder climber. I’d fire my agent if they couldn’t at least get me an Apple store gig on iPhone launch weekend. I suppose next stop is cell plan sign twirling outside the strip mall, followed by opening for one of those Asian circuses where bears on bicycles chase monkeys on bicycles and then maul them to death.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Rihanna almost died this weekend when she decided to play with a deadly endangered Loris in Thailand. A Loris is a tiny endangered primate that looks like a friendly Ewok but is really a vicious killer. Like many hookers in Thailand, the Loris can secrete a deadly toxin through their elbows which they then use in a shock inducing bite. Any animal that can kill you with its elbows is an animal you want to be wearing on your shoulder for a selfie. Rihanna posed with the beast and then Instagrammed the picture. This pissed a lot of people off. The men who took the picture were quickly arrested for keeping an endangered animal and putting Rihanna’s life in danger. Rihanna was forced to sign autographs for two hours with people who couldn’t pronounce her name. The Loris went back to being the koala bears’ bad- ass cousin.
Here’s what I learned watching the Emmy’s last night. Cory Monteith is still dead. Nobody under the age of 50 watches network television any longer. And television actresses are mostly anorexic, the good looking ones at least. I guess I also relearned that Elton John is depressingly gay, Will Ferrell surprise guest appearances stopped being novel seventeen surprise guest appearances ago, and Tina Fey has real human nipples. That last one was the only part really worth learning. The rest was like algebra.