Justin Bieber had a good day

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 5:05 PM

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The last time we saw Justin Bieber at the beach, he was with Selena Gomez, who was in a bikini and draped across him. And he looked bored and played with his phone the whole time.

But today he was at the beach with some other lithe young men, on his knees in front of them, and taking them roughly from behind, and he looked happy as could be. Gosh I wonder why that could be.

(image source = fame)

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough are on vacation

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:52 PM

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Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough are on vacation in Saint Barts this week, and today Julianne went to the beach. Don’t get too excited though because, as always, she was dull and average in every way. I had more fun just looking at the sand.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Jessica Simpson wants to look like Jessica Alba

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:17 PM

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Jessica Alba looked terrific over the holidays when she hit the beach in a bikini. Not only did she get her hot body back after having a baby, but she made it look easy. But it’s not, and it sure as hell isn’t easy enough for Jessica Simpson to do it, despite what she was thinking when she went on twitter and wrote:

“New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!”

To which Alba somehow avoided sarcasm to reply:

“OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!”

As a reminder, this was Jessica Alba on July 24th, 22 days before she gave birth.

This is Jessica Simpson on December 18th. And December 23rd. She’s at least twice the size of Alba, and she’s not due for another 3 months. The only thing Jessica Simpson resembled in those Jessica Alba pictures was the sun.

Katy Perry was too boring in bed for Russell Brand

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 2:12 PM

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Russell Brand says he used to be a sex addict and have sex 5 times a day, so if it seemed unlikely that the religious and sugary-sweet Katy Perry could satisfy him in bed, that’s because it was.

Russell Brand is notorious for his once-wild lifestyle and attempts to change his bad boy ways. But according to a report in the newest issue of Us Weekly, Brand allegedly wasn’t able to kick all of his bad habits.
“Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source claimed.

Wait, so she was more fun in bed before she got married, but then made sex routine and monotonous? Well this is the first I’ve ever heard of a girl like that. What did he want that she was too good for anyway?

“He likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him. (And) he has a closet full of sex toys.”

Ok well obviously I didn’t know about the wheelchair thing. Maybe she has a point. Because if you’re a hot girl with big tits, and you can move in the direction that your hair is pulled and open your mouth on command, the sex is gonna be fine. I should write that on my eharmony profile somewhere. I don’t have time for a bunch of games.

Leann Rimes is graceful

By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 12:30 PM

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It was time for some hot, boney-chestplate action! yesterday after Leann Rimes, her stolen husband, and her muscular girlfriend who looks like Lisa Kudrow if someone had just punched Lisa Kudrow in the face for a no doubt justified reason, all went in Hawaii.

One of the first things the girls did was rub their tits together, which seems appropriate since they already look like reasonably priced strippers/escorts.

(image source = fame and bauer griffin)

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton is an idiot

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 5:58 PM

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The bad news is that Us quotes Paris Hilton as saying: “I’ve earned $1.3 billion since 2005.” The good news is that’s not even remotely true.

“I’m involved in my products every step of the way. My fragrances are doing really well at the moment,” Hilton tells FHM UK’s January issue. “They’ve produced more than $1.3 billion in revenue since 2005.”

Obviously there’s a big difference between revenue and income, so, despite the headline on Us, Paris has not earned $1.3 billion. And she lies constantly so that number is probably completely made up anyway. I’m surprised she didn’t say eleventy quillion.

Lauren Sanchez looks fantastic in a bikini

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 4:10 PM

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Latin girls all look 35, no matter if they’re 35 or 45 or 15. They all have big tits and long shiny hair and too much makeup and it’s awesome. Like ‘Good Day LA’ anchor Lauren Sanchez, who spent the holidays in Mexico. This chick has 3 kids and she still looks incredible in a bikini. She looks so great it was probably a bad idea to post these, because now when I break into her house while she’s at work and hump her giant bra there’s gonna be a trail of evidence leading back to me.

(SEXY UPDATE: the pictures weren’t going full size for a while but that should be fixed now. image source = flynet and fame)

Billy Baldwin has to fly coach

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 3:26 PM

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I’m mean spirited and petty, so I squealed with delight to see Billy Baldwin flying coach on an Alaska Airlines flight to Idaho. It makes me feel better about myself when a famous person can’t afford to fly first class. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow would be surprised to see that they even have seats back there. If you asked her to describe coach she would probably say people sit on old wooden benches, and there’s goats and chickens walking around and hay on the floor and oars sticking out of the side of the plane, and it gets real windy when they put the landing gear down. Gwyneth Paltrow is an elitist cunt, is my point.

Anyway, Baldwin sat back there and read political cartoons in the LA Times, which perfectly fits the perception I have when it comes to where actors get their information about politics.

(image source = inf)