Lenny Dykstra Out of Prison, Looking Like a Million Bucks

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 3:04 PM

Lenny Dykstra Recently Released From Prison Arriving At JFK Airport
Toward the end of his final felonious run, I started receiving irregular drunk phone calls from Lenny Dykstra. He always sounded like he was on the side of a freeway on a 1997 cell phone connection. I’m not even sure how he got my number. Something to do with one of his shady businesses. He convinced me to meet him in Wayne Gretzky’s former mansion that Lenny had bought under one of the many financial schemes that would later send him to prison. The entire palace was empty save for a pool table, a couple of ladies of questionable professional occupation, and ‘Nails’ with a wild glazed look in his eyes yelling at nobody to bring him two Dr. Pepper sodas. We spoke for about a minute about nothing that made any sense, he got crazy angry like he was going to lunge at me, then he abruptly segued into a nonsensical story about the Mets. That was enough. I left. Fuck the Mets.

Photo Credit: Splash

Magic Johnson’s Big Gay Son Likes to Party

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 2:34 PM

Earvin Johnson III In A Red Vest Outside Of Bootsy Bellows Nightclub In West Hollywood
It’s 2013 and even a pro athlete with serious street baller cred knows he might wind up parent to a gay son. And he knows he’s going to love and support his own flesh and blood no matter what. Still, deep down, you’ve got to be hoping it’s not your son dressed liked Rosie O’Donnell carrying designer handbags and partying at the L.A. hot spots in front of all the paparazzi cameras. Without a shred of evidence, I’m convinced Earvin III’s super flashy nancy boy persona is the Fates playing give-backs for whatever Magic did during Showtime but never copped to. Like conspiring with Isaiah to freeze out Jordan in the 1985 All-Star Game or buggering dudes.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com

British People Get Naked to Save the Tigers

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 1:34 PM

Streak For Tigers At The London Zoo
Pale people in England love to get naked for protests and charitable causes. Which is somewhat counterintuitive to how the rest of the world prefers to view British people. Undaunted, a bunch of them went streaking through the London Zoo either to support or protest the Sumatran tigers. Nobody really wanted to stop any of them to ask for fear of coming in contact with nude British dude shlong. The masks helped to protect their anonymity and also to allow all of us pretend the streaking British girls might be attractive.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash, WENN

“Breaking Amish” Star Fucked The Devil

By Jack August 19, 2013 @ 12:44 PM

One of the stars of TLC’s Breaking Amish LA claims to not only be a witch but that she has had carnal knowledge of Satan. The TV show that examines the lives of Amish youngins living out in the real world is generally pretty strange. But then again, so are the Amish. One of the girls, Betsy, raises the alarm of some of the other Mennonites by lighting candles all over the house. She explains that she is involved in witchcraft, is invoking spirits, and that she once had sex with the Devil himself. You know, like you do. What must fucking Lucifer be like? “It just felt like a friggin’ snake went up my pussy!” Indeed.

What’s with all the Amish shows all of a sudden? Have we gotten to the point in reality TV where we have nothing to talk about but religious weirdos living like it’s 1830? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy going to Lancaster, PA and buying apple butter and laughing at their beards as much as the next guy. But I draw the line at conjugal activity with Beelzebub. Taint right!


Richard Grieco Looks… Yikes

By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Good news for people who thought that Richard Grieco had completely vanished from the face of the Earth, he’s still alive and well, I guess. He also appears to be some sort of an artist, as he hosted an event and party for his Sanctum of a Dreamer: Richard Grieco Art Exhibit in West Hollywood. And all of the entertainment industry’s biggest stars came out to support him, including… Mickey Rooney.

But I’m an optimist and think that Mickey being there is huge, mainly because he looks like he drank from the wrong cup in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, shriveled up and then poured himself another drink. Also, Richard needed someone there who made him look human, so it’s a win-win for all.

(Photo Credits: Tai Urban/WENN.com)

Madonna Dressed Like A Slutty Marie Antoinette For Her Birthday

By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Madonna turned 55 on Friday, so she did what every other 55-year old woman would do and threw a huge party and dressed like a fancy stripper nearly a third of her age. Actually, she dressed up like Marie Antoinette if Marie were a fancy stripper nearly a third her age, and then she further killed the few heterosexual penises in the room by shaking her ass all over her 26-year old boyfriend Brahim Zaibat.

I’m not saying that a women old enough to be a grandmother shouldn’t be having a little fun on her birthday, but Madonna should be spending her special day by gambling her savings away in a casino or driving up to Vancouver to pick up some discounted Lipitor. Hell, at the very least, she should do it by wearing pants.

(Photo Credit: Madonna’s Instagram)

Lindsay Lohan Admitted What We Already Knew To Oprah (VIDEO)

By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey finally aired last night on OWN, and this is just a wild guess, but I assume that the $2 million she was paid for it has already been blown. That’s because Lindsay finally admitted that she was an addict, hooked on alcohol, cocaine and Adderall, and if everything that movies and TLC shows have taught me about addiction is true, she was probably offering Oprah’s assistants rimjobs for a can of air duster by the third question.

Lindsay might have also revealed a lot of additional personal information, but I couldn’t hear her over Oprah cutting her off during every answer to ask the next question. I’m starting to think the way Oprah gets her guests to cry is by frustrating them and pissing them off so much that they just want to rip her throat out. Then they unwind later by smoking some crack and have to come back and do it all over again. It’s genius, really.

Everybody Hates A-Rod (VIDEO)

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 8:40 AM

Everybody in baseball wants to see the A-Rod exit as fast as fucking possible. The longer he lingers, the more they’re going to keep throwing shit at him and making up stories about what a total dick he is. Like saying he leaked evidence on fellow ball players. He probably didn’t, but once you’re labeled the high school slut, the kids in Social Science are going to be swapping tales about you pulling a train on the varsity basketball squad. I suppose somebody can find some honor in A-Rod’s appeal and continuing to play despite the fact that everyone knows he’s dirty. Maybe one of those DTF wrestling divas that seem to dig him still. There’s no way he’s getting A-list Hollywood trim again. That door has been closed. He’s going to have to settle for his $350 million in career earnings and big bootied Latin models. Not such a bad backup plan .

Video credit: ESPN