Lindsay Lohan Rehab Beach View Upgrade

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 3:58 PM

I guess Lindsay was really good at air-hockey and smuggling in smokes, because she’s earned out of the Betty Ford clinic and into some life-affirming named rehab center in Malibu to finish out her court-ordered lockdown. Which makes sense, since Malibu is the world’s celebrity drinking and drug capital. Expect Lindsay to fashion a rope line between her bedroom and the home of one of the Marvin Davis grandkids within two hours of arrival. She need only dig fifty feet deep to reach an ocean escape route and her vodka-bottle shaped personal submarine idling offshore. This is like putting Lex Luthor at a minimum security honor ranch. Her pillow won’t even get warm.

Nina Agdal, Ariel Meredith, And Kate Upton In Body Paint

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 2:44 PM

Nina Agdal Ariel Meredith And Kate Upton In Body Paint Bikinis For Sports Illustrated
I really thought the whole bodypaint thing was a passing fad. Like henna tattoos or Japanese baseball players. But SI is still sticking with it. And you’d have to be a real dick to complain about any reason to see Kate Upton without her clothes on.

Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated

Kanye West Thinks He’s Steve Jobs

By Jack June 13, 2013 @ 2:12 PM

Obnoxious egomaniac and Kardashian-breeder, Kanye West, believes that in the future people will think of him the way they do about Steve Jobs. Yeah, that Steve Jobs. It all started when a simple interview with the New York Times turned into a three day rant where Kanye discussed how awesome he is. That’s not really a surprise. It was when he began comparing himself to Jobs that things got really weird:

“I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period. By a long jump. I honestly feel that because Steve has passed, you know, it’s like when Biggie passed and Jay-Z was allowed to become Jay-Z.”

First of all, don’t talk about yourself in the third person, you dick cheese. Only royalty and Bob Dole and people with multiple personalities can do that. Secondly, what does “Steve of Internet” even mean, besides that your grasp of proper grammar is limited? How exactly are you a pioneer of the Internet? Being the subject of so many, “Ain’t Kanye a tool?” posts like this one doesn’t count.  How can one be the “Steve of downtown” if you live up in the Hollywood Hills with your entourage and the girls you bang when Kim gets whiny and won’t put out? As for Jobs’ slow painful death, it’s like God only gave Jobs pancreatic cancer so that Kanye could launch a new line of jeans.

2 Chainz Did Not Get Robbed At Gunpoint, Until He Did, Shit His Pants, And Ran (VIDEO)

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 1:13 PM

It’s easy to root against rappers. For every one originally talented gangster, there’s twenty stoned posers with stupid names and recycled sounds and a love of weapons they don’t know how to handle. Last week 2 Chainz denied being held up at gunpoint in San Francisco, even though he clearly was. 2 Chainz just had to go street justice on the mofo who came up on him with a gat. So bad ass! You know, until the surveillance video comes out. Now I’ve got to take his poster off my wall and laser off this fucking 2 Chainz Forever tattoo.

Farrah Abraham Got New Hooters, Again

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 12:48 PM

Farrah Abraham In A Bikini At The Beach In Los Angeles
For a girl who just made a mint on her backdoor being invaded, Farrah Abraham seems pretty committed to gussying up her front porch. The world’s most famous rectally permissive mom got herself a second boob job, upsizing from C’s to D’s. Instead of saline her implants are now filled entirely with the jizz of men who bought her porn tape. It’s a promotional gambit. At least when they leak she can skip the cancer fears and move right onto smacking her lips and moaning in a low plaintive wail.

Here’s a bunch of bikini pictures featuring Farrah’s old tits.

Photo Credit: PCN

Paris Hilton Almost Done With Musical Abortion

By Jack June 13, 2013 @ 11:51 AM

Hold on to your ass hats, Paris Hilton is almost done with her new album. Last month we told you that she had signed Cash Money Records in order to rape our ears with lazy-eyed Banshee shrieks. You might remember Paris Hilton as the obnoxious dirty whore that pioneered the field of being famous for a sex tapes and DUI arrests. She paved the way for the Lindsays and Kim Kardashians we enjoy today. Who exactly told Paris that the world was clamoring for an album is beyond me. Probably Satan’s younger teen sister. Paris said of the upcoming album:

“I’m in the studio and almost finished with the album…I’m so excited. I think they’ve created an amazing brand. Lil Wayne and some other surprise guests will be on the album, and it’s going to be so sick. It’s an electropop album with some dance-y songs.”

Is Lil Wayne that hard up for money that he needs to be featured on a Paris Hilton album? Why not just go donate blood? Oh, yeah, hep. This isn’t Paris’ first foray into music. Back when she was semi-relevant in 2006 she released an abomination called Paris on Heiress Records. If you ever decide that you want to kill yourself but are afraid you’ll chicken out at the last minute, just put on Paris.

The Miss USA Contestants Were In Bikinis Again

By Travis June 13, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

The 2013 Miss USA Preliminary Competition took place last night at the PH Live at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas, as women from all 50 states and the District of Columbia started competing for the honor of eventually being contestants on Celebrity Apprentice.

I don’t know much about any of these girls other than the assumption that they’re all pretty young and looking to get into the entertainment industry, but I do know that the Miss USA pageant is a very exciting affair. After all, it’s the one night of the year that people will say, “Great job, Florida!” and mean it.

(Photo Credits: Judy Eddy/WENN.com)

George Takei Facebook Posts Ain’t Coming from George Takei

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 10:30 AM

Fans are up in arms upon the ‘revelation’ that George Takei isn’t the guy writing his social media posts. Most of the witty zingers on his crazy popular Facebook page are written by freelancers and interns. And, hold your shorts, that’s true of every single celebrity out there, save but a few who have shitloads of free time and are actually funny. I’m looking at you, James Van Der Beek. This is Hollywood. Everything is fucking faked. Sulu may not even like cock for all we know. Don’t be the guy who thinks he’s being faithful to his wife because he’s wearing his wedding ring while emptying his load into a Luxor hotel hooker during CES. I don’t even know what the fuck that means. My intern wrote it.