Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt To Have Aura Baby

By Jack October 16, 2013 @ 3:30 PM

Useless potato people Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are trying to conceive a baby. Wait, before you slit your wrists to opt out of the coming of the devil spawn they would produce, it’s not a real baby. It’s an aura baby. What in the name of holy fuck is an aura baby? Let’s let Heidi explain it via Twitter:

“An Aura Baby is a product of the soul born out of the bio-chemistry of the universe! #speidishow,”

Huh? What the fuck does that even mean? I know what the individual words mean but not what they mean put together. I’m down for any and all types of holistic crystal praying new age shit. Just so long as they don’t actually reproduce a carbon based life form in Heidi’s plasticine lady parts, we should all be safe from the brimstone.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner Teen Drunks

By Lex October 16, 2013 @ 2:22 PM

WInd up your after school specials, the Jenner girls have been out partying again. There have been rumors of the high school dropouts Footloosing with the grownups for some time now, but they’ve managed to mostly hide it from the public eye. But now, last night, not so much. According to paparazzo Blair Hanson on scene:

Kendall and Kylie were leaving a bar called the Wax Rabbit in West Hollywood.  The girls jumped into a white Bentley with Scott Disick. The trio looked very sweaty and drunk. Witnesses inside the bar saw the girls taking shots of tequila and drinking Grey Goose vodka. Both girls looked very inebriated and almost passed out in the back of the car.

Apparently, Khloe was also inside the bar polishing off the potato skins while the rest of her wasted family members were ditching her in the Bentley. I’m not going to judge. I experimented with the liquor every now and then or three times a week as a teen. I never got VIP wristbands to hip nightclubs, but tipping doormen with arcade tokens only got you so far. Also, I had to lie to my mom if I wanted to go out on a school night, as opposed to my mom telling me to dress scantily, get loaded, and show off as much ass as possible to the press she was tipping off about my whereabouts. To be a Kardashian, that is the dream.

Photo credit: Blair Hanson / Ability

Emily Ratajkowski Covers Her Tits in GQ

By Lex October 16, 2013 @ 2:00 PM

Emily Ratajkowski Poses Topless For The November Issue GQ Magazine
Emily Ratajkowski has gone from virtual unknown occasional teen TV actress to GQ pictorial hot shot thanks to her professional talent of being willing to show off her boobs. She did it in a bunch of photos in magazines, blowing up big with her bare chest finally in the Blurred Lines video. If she were more demure, she’d just be some good looking chick with a difficult last name. Now, she’s famous and finally getting paid and going to have John Mayer or Adam Levine’s dick inside of her soon. Even the smart girls ultimately have to pay that piper.

Photo Credit: GQ

Kris Humphires Sells Kim Kardashian’s Bling

By Jack October 16, 2013 @ 1:31 PM

Kris Humphires decided to unload the diamond ring he once gave Kim Kardashian for their fake TV marriage. The 16-karat ring was sold at Christie’s auction house  for $749,000 to a mysterious buyer calling in a phone bid. My guess is that it was Kanye. He’s going to set the diamond in the tip of a big dildo and bang naughty groupies with it while relaying the story about how he stole Kim Kardashian away from her husband

Magazines for women are writing about how the auction closing is helping Kris Humphries to finally close the Kim Kardashian chapter of his life, but  Lee Hutton, Kris’ lawyer, says he got over her long ago:

“I’m not sure if the ring or its sale helps with the process of moving on. I think he moved on long before the ring was even put into the auction. Kris, being an athlete, is getting ready for an upcoming seasons and ready for life’s lessons as they come along. This whole process was humbling but maturing.”

Great point, Lee Hutton. Sometimes it takes a fraudulent marriage to a duplicitous whore to build yourself into a stronger man. It does seem to be a common past of many great athletes, so perhaps there is something to this.

Paris Hilton Is Super Hip

By Lex October 16, 2013 @ 12:39 PM

Paris Hilton Poses For Terry Richardson In A Bandage Bikini
Nobody wants to be the last girl on the block to get goofy edgy photos from gayest straight photographer Terry Richardson. Paris Hilton dragged her lazy eye over to Terry’s studio, strapped on something idiotic looking and kitschy, and pretended to be one of the alt models and porn stars Terry typically shoots for fun. But try and she may, try as she might, cocaine habits and The Herp alone do not an avant-garde model make. It may be time for Paris to find self-worth in other accomplishments in her life, like her DJ business, or her merchandising ventures, or double cornholing with Marvin Davis’ grandkids.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Is Great At Standing Still

By Travis October 16, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley helped launch her new sleepwear line in London yesterday, and as always she was one of the best in the world and standing, smiling, sometimes waving and looking incredibly attractive as people took pictures of her. It’s a really bold marketing strategy, being attractive and using those looks to sell clothing, but if the two marketing courses that I took from a Venezuelan online college have taught me anything, this might work. But for good measure, she should wear less clothing and tell the other two models that it’s awfully warm in here before rubbing oil on their shoulders. That would probably slightly increase sales.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger Finally Released Their Duet (VIDEO)

By Travis October 16, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

It was only a matter of time before Avril Lavigne and her husband and Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger fulfilled their threat to release a duet, and yesterday was the big day with the unveiling of their new music video for “Let Me Go.” The easiest way to describe this video without using terms like “the music industry’s death rattle” or “Canada’s invention of aural warfare” is to tell you to imagine what it would sound like if Chad Kroeger wrote a song for Nickelback and Avril Lavigne sang it. I know, that’s pretty vague, but trust me that it’s 100% accurate.

Stacy Keibler Had The Best Birthday Week

By Travis October 16, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Stacy Keibler thought that she was going to be the woman who made George Clooney settle down, get married and have kids, and that’s probably why he eventually dumped her like all of the rest of the younger models that he’s dated. Naturally, she wants us all to know that life post-Clooney is even better than it was before, as she posted this picture of her and her new boyfriend, Jared Pobre, on the tail end of the weeklong James Bond-themed birthday party that he threw for her from Paris to Las Vegas.

More importantly, Stacy is 34-years old. These “birthday week” celebrations aren’t cute when binge-drinking girls have them in college as a way to get drunk for free, and they’re not cute when a mid-30s C-list toilet paper spokeswoman has them either. No one’s birthday is so important that it deserves an entire week, so cut this shit out, Stacy.

Photo Credit: Stacy Keibler’s Instagram