FOX Is Making An OJ Simpson Miniseries

By Travis March 21, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

If I had to rank the lasting horrible legacies of former NFL star and current prison queen OJ Simpson, they would go: 3) Kato Kaelin, 2) Reason that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian are famous and wealthy, and 1) Guy who didn’t kill two people (but probably did). Although Nos. 1 and 2 could be switched and I don’t think anyone but Fred Goldman would really protest.

Now that the Juice is locked away in prison and nothing but a terrible memory, the fine human beings at FOX are digging up two families’ most painful memories so America can ask itself: “Where were you when 100 million people slapped their foreheads in shock?”

Everybody remembers where they were when O.J. Simpson, riding in a white Bronco, led the police on a low-speed chase all over Los Angeles. This marked the emergence of the 24-hour news cycle and the birth of reality television. Written by Golden Globe Award winners Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (“The People vs. Larry Flint,” “Man on the Moon,” “Ed Wood”), THE RUN OF HIS LIFE: THE PEOPLE V. O.J. SIMPSON (wt) will take viewers behind the scenes of “The Trial of The Century,” driven by the nonstop plot of a courtroom thriller and presenting the story of the trial as it has never been told. (Entertainment Weekly)

I’m not sure what story hasn’t been told. Maybe the story about how OJ’s lawyers told him, “Try to act like the glove is too small” or how Robert Kardashian didn’t know that OJ was sleeping with his wife and is the real father of Khloe Kardashian. You know, allegedly.

Elmo Is A Meth Head AND A Child Molester

By Jack March 21, 2013 @ 10:30 AM

So, not only does Elmo dig underaged boys he also smokes meth? Looks that way. You may recall that Kevin Clash, the voice and puppeteer of everyone’s favorite red sock, quit Sesame Street after several young men came forward to say that Clash had diddled them when they were still underage. Now one of the boys is also saying that Clash gave him meth and poppers, popular drugs in the gay world for their ability to keep you hard for hours. When men are totally in control of sex, it never really has a reason to stop. I’m not the biggest Elmo fan. I grew out of Sesame Street before he blew up and I found him to be an incredibly fucking irritating puppet. Plus, it’s shitty behavior to force yourself sexually on drugged up teen boys. Unless you’re a reasonably hot female high school teacher. Then the only crime you could ever be guilty of is being totally awesome.

In general, we should regard guys who handle puppets as we do men who are into magic tricks or volunteer male librarians. Guilty of some perverse shit until proven otherwise.

Seth MacFarlane Dumped His Dragon Lady Girlfriend

By Travis March 21, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Seth MacFarlane has built a ridiculously successful TV empire ever since FOX told him to do whatever the hell he wants with Family Guy and American Dad, so it’s only natural that he’s been able to parlay that into sleeping with a ton of attractive young actresses. Among them, Eliza Dushku, Amanda Bynes, Ashley Greene, Alexis Knapp and Alexandra Breckenridge, to name a few, so he’s clearly living the American dream of being insanely wealthy and dating way out of his league.

Seth’s latest girlfriend was Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke, but she must have farted in bed or something, because he’s done with her now, too.

E! News has learned that the 39-year-old Family Guy funnyman and the 25-year-old actress have parted ways.

“They are no longer dating,” a source tells E! News. “It was really a location challenge. She has been in Europe shooting Game of Thrones and he is based in California, so it was hard to make it work despite the distance. They have remained friends.” (E!)

Emilia sure put on a brave face at the Game of Thrones season 3 premiere on Monday night in Los Angeles. She’s young and will certainly bounce back from this short relationship, but being rejected still stings. So maybe she can actually train a baby dragon to grow up and attack for her at will, and it can destroy Seth with a single breath of fire.

Because otherwise he’s going to keep making those Family Guy Stars Wars parodies and, Jesus, enough already.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Ashley Benson Dumps Ryan Good; Why This Is Very Good

By Bill March 21, 2013 @ 9:30 AM

Ashley Benson has confirmed her split from year-long boyfriend, Ryan Good. It’s always good news when a hot girl becomes single. But it’s great news when Ryan Good loses something valuable. You probably don’t even know who this dude is, but you should, and then you can wish him ill will too.

Ryan Good was, is, officially, Justin Bieber’s ‘swagger coach’. When Usher was searching YouTube for ‘sexy underaged boys’ and discovered Justin Bieber, he realized that as tween-girl friendly as Justin was, he was just a dorky kid from Canada who wasn’t ready to be a true player. Enter Ryan Good. A douchy 20-something dude with tons of swagger. So much swagger that Usher and his team hired Ryan Good to shadow Justin’s every move, bunk with him 24×7, and teach him the ways of the swagger. The way to walk, to talk, to flash his gang signs, to give his cool shoutouts, how to dress, how to bend down and touch the hands of every 12-year old girl in his audience, while giving their horny housewife mom’s a salacious wink. Ryan Good helped turn Justin Bieber into Justin Bieber. It was like Ra’s al Ghul training Bane. Well, not like that at all, because that would make Bieber Bane, when in fact Bieber is just a 120-pound full-of-himself pussy with bangs.

Hey, look, there’s that swaggerific Ryan Good ginning up the young teen crowd in Paris at Bieber’s movie premiere. Dick.

Photo credits: Getty images

Octomom Is Being Accused Of Welfare Fraud

By Travis March 21, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Ever since she realized that people no longer had any interest in the things coming out of her vagina, AVN Award-winner Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom, has been doing whatever it takes to keep money in her bank account. This includes begging people for donations, stripping, starring in a masturbation porn film and even recording a music video that has fortunately never seen the light of day. (Although there is audio if you hate your life.)

Octomom has already been accused of using her welfare money to pay for her superficial needs like manicures and having her hair done, so it’s really not surprising that she is once again being investigated for welfare fraud. That’s right, California is still giving this crazy lady plenty of free cash.

TMZ has learned … someone made the allegation last week to the L.A. County Dept. of Welfare Fraud Prevention and Investigation (WFP&I), claiming Octo is getting various forms of welfare, including food stamps, even though she made nearly $200,000 in 2012.

Under California law, Octo can legitimately collect welfare for her and her 14 kids if she makes $119,000 or less in a calendar year, but if the allegation is true … she exceeded the limit by a lot.

Law enforcement sources tell us … the WFP&I is conducting a probe and has already interviewed witnesses in Octo’s world. (TMZ)

Can someone just please take those poor kids away already? They’d be better off if they were sent to Africa or Romania. At least then they might be adopted by an actual celebrity.

Heidi Klum Pimps Liquored Up Meat for Carl’s Jr. (VIDEO)

By Bill March 21, 2013 @ 5:00 AM

Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.

Where will Heidi’s Carl’s Jr. commercial stack up against previous sexy celebrities writhing and pimping for burger sales?

Click to See Kim, Audrina, Padma, and Kate in Their Carl’s Jr. Commercials

Jessica Sutta Shows Off Her Bikini Body on Miami Beach

By Bill March 20, 2013 @ 5:08 PM

Jessica Sutta is the chick from the Pussycat Dolls nobody remembers as much as Nicole Scherzinger. It’s probably because she’s not as hot or tall or famous as Nicole. Being shorter and less hot and less famous than your peers doesn’t have to suck though. A lot of men turn this relatively inferior position into blind ambition and go on to found major corporations until scandals erupt involving them beating young female prostitutes. Many women in these lesser positions just become really slutty. Every cloud has a silver lining, unless you’re a young female prostitute being horse-whipped by a fat dude in his boxers.

Here’s Jessica on the beach in Miami in a bikini.

Photo credit: PCN

R.I.P. Harry Reems

By Jack March 20, 2013 @ 4:59 PM

Pioneering pornstar Harry Reems died today at the age of 65. Reems was best known for his turn as Dr. Young in the 1972 classic porn film Deep Throat. In case you haven’t seen this masterpiece, Linda Lovelace plays a woman who is unable to achieve an orgasm until her doctor, (Reems), discovers she has a clit in her throat. I think you can imagine the rest of the plot. Hint: It involves a lot of knobble schlobbing. Reems was later convicted of obscenity for his role in the film but it was later overturned on appeal. The reason we honor Harry is because he represented a purer more real era in porn.

Harry was not a good looking guy and he had a stupid Geraldo Rivera mustache and yet people paid to watch him bone. This was the era of Ron Jeremy and John Holmes, two guys that would have made unlikely sex symbols if they hadn’t had gigantic donkey dongs. Men like Reems made all of us goofy-looking guys feel like maybe, just maybe, we too could one day plow some hot chicks. Deep Throat led to a brief period in which going to watch porn in the theater was respectable. People who would never have gone to a sleazy theater covered in man goo went in droves to see these films. Imagine taking a date to see Assblasters 4: Throbbing Balloon Knots. You wouldn’t because the porn of today lacks the class, (and hairy bushes), of yesteryear. So, long Harry. May flights of titties fly thee to thy rest.

Here is Harry in Butterflies In A Nutshell. There is no nudity so you can appreciate the nuances of the acting.