afternoon headlines

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 7:43 PM

Vanessa Hudgens

AMANDA SEYFRIED – moved into a new house today, but without the help of her boyfriend Ryan Phillipe. Probably because he was busy hitting on Rihanna. But what do you expect, he’s not magic, he can’t be in two places at once. Be reasonable. (us.com)

GLEE – has only been on the air for 2 seasons, but they’ve now had 113 songs on the Billboard Top 100, breaking the previous record of 108, held by Elvis. Hopefully this little fact won’t get mentioned in a Memphis hate crime trial at some point. (e!)

HALLE BERRY – and her ex Gabriel Aubry have reached an amicable custody arrangement for their daughter. At least that’s what the headline implied. I got pretty bored after that. (huff post)

VANESSA HUDGENS – gets it. Even in New York, in February, she still wears really short dresses that show off her legs. But not too short. Hopefully someone was nice enough to point out that you can’t see her vagina, even if you look really hard. I bet she would appreciate that.

Miley Cyrus got really fat, really fast

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 6:22 PM

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Miley Cyrus is under a great deal of stress these days, and obviously I’m just joking because to be honest I’m not even sure what the hell it is she does. Other than eat, apparently.

It probably goes without saying that these pictures were taken as Miley and her mom were on their way to a restaurant. My sources tell me Miley was insulted when the waiter gave her a spoon to use instead of her fingers for the can of frosting she brought in her purse. “Oh. My. God. What is this, the freakin White House,” she yelled.

(image source = fame)

Kate Moss was drunk, horny and in a sex shop

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 4:25 PM

Kate Moss Relaxing Poolside With Family In Rio

On any given day, depending on what time it is, Kate Moss will either be getting drunk, drunk or passed out drunk. Guess which one she was when she was in a sex shop slapping her face with a dildo and then blowing it.

BOOZED-UP bride-to-be Kate Moss bought NINE sex toys and went wild on an outrageous visit to a Soho shop. Kate, 36, who fell over TWICE, kept yelling: “I’m horny and I’m in a sex shop.”
An onlooker told us: “She was totally drunk and collapsed on the floor … Then she started squirting strawberry flavour lube all over the place and playing with a big black sex toy. She was hitting the side of her face with it. Then she put her mouth over it, simulating oral sex, and rubbed it up and down after smothering it with lube.”

Uhh, I really hope they made her buy that. The dildo with Kate’s saliva all over it. Otherwise some unsuspecting slut is gonna go home and jam that thing inside of them, probably good and deep too, like someone packing an old musket. You might as well dip the thing in cobra venom.

(image source = flynet)

Jessica Alba is pregnant

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 3:40 PM

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Jessica Albas husband Cash Warren sort of seems like a tool, and it’s not even really clear what he does for a living, but she already has one child with him so she might as well just go all in.

People says…

The actress announced on her Facebook and Twitter Wednesday that she and her husband are expecting their second child.
“I thought I’d drop by to let you all in on some exciting news – Honor is going to be a Big Sister!” Alba, 29, wrote.
“Cash and I are thrilled and wanted to share the news directly with you so you didn’t hear about it somewhere else.
“I appreciated all of the love and support you all gave me during my first pregnancy and will definitely appreciate it again this time around. Have a great day!” she finishes, signing off, “Jess.”

This is surprising because just two weeks ago we saw Jessica in Paris, in a tight silver dress, and she looked fantastic. And what I always tell the models is, “Well if you’re so pregnant, why don’t you look pregnant? Yeah that’s what I thought. Now get out of here, beat it, and leave me and my date alone. You can’t just barge into a restaurant like this, crying and making these accusations, you’re making a spectacle of yourself.”

(image source = fame)

Lindsay Lohan will be on Letterman. Oh wait nevermind.

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 3:05 PM

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Yesterday it was announced that Lindsay Lohan would be presenting the Top Ten list on the Late Show With David Letterman tomorrow night, via satellite from her house in LA.

This is actually a smart move for Lindsay because it puts her back in the spotlight, back on a huge show that everyone will see but in an environment where she doesn’t have to answer any awkward, or in her case incriminating, questions.

Needless to say she won’t be doing it now.

“I am NOT going to be doing David Letterman, I’m not sure how this happened, but I am sorry for the confusion.”

And a producer for Letterman told E!

“We made a mistake. Someone purporting to be a friend of Lindsay’s reached out to the show yesterday, allegedly on her behalf, and booked her to appear. Clearly, this person was not authorized to make commitments on her behalf.”

So it was her mom. Obviously. What’s not obvious is why she won’t do it. She can’t read 10 lines off a card from her living room? She’s too busy? Are we even positive she can read? Because she was home-schooled, for Christs sake, by Dina Lohan. If she even knows why things fall down or where her belly button is it would be nothing short of astonishing.

SURPRISING UPDATE – so actually it was her dad who called Letterman, but only after approving it with her, at least according to him. She says she had no idea. God only knows what the truth is. You might as well question a family of possums.

Justin Bieber says the United States is “evil”

By brendon February 16, 2011 @ 12:26 PM

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When asked about abortion and rape, Justin Bieber said, “everything happens for a reason.”

I just wanted to get that out of the way. To sort of quantify his other observations in the new Rolling Stone, when asked about things outside the realm of bangs and what it’s like to be such a huge star in the eyes of a fan base whose previous favorite musician was a blue cartoon dog.

So here’s what he said when asked if he ever plans on becoming an American citizen…

“You guys are evil,” he says with a laugh. “Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”

Fuck off you douche. You have free diapers and similac. Oohh, I’m so impressed. Anything more complicated than that and your choices are to die or die. Even with all our problems, and there are many, we’re better at almost everything. Our screening rates are much higher, for example. Canada’s idea of preventative medicine is to wave a torch at the monster in the woods so it doesn’t bite you.

Frankie Muniz is suicidal, punched his hot girlfriend

By brendon February 15, 2011 @ 5:54 PM

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There are conflicting reports now about whether Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz held a loaded gun to his head during an argument with his surprisingly attractive girlfriend Elycia Turnbow, and then later punched her in the back of her sexy head.

Us magazine says…

A Friday report filed in Phoenix, Ariz. states that (Muniz), now 25, got into a heated argument with girlfriend Elycia Turnbow over “prior relationships.”
Turnbow told police that Muniz “grabbed a gun and held it to his head, possibly with the intent of committing suicide,” the report reads. Concerned, his girlfriend had a member of Muniz’s rock band take him to the hospital.
Disagreeing with Turnbow’s account, Muniz told cops he “fell and hit his head” during the argument, thus leading to his hospital visit. He also denied holding the gun to his head. “I grabbed the case,” the star says in the report. “But not the gun . . . it isn’t even loaded.”
Cops later found a loaded gun at their home, which they have impounded.
After Muniz returned from the hospital later that night, the couple began arguing again — and Turnbow claimed he “punched her in the back of the head, and threw her into a wall while in the downstairs bedroom.”
Muniz denies that claim. “I love her too much. She is the woman I want to marry,” he said, adding that he was defending himself from an attack by Turnbow. Cops warned the couple that they face jail time if another violent incident occurs.

Wait, is she Latin? Because those girls are all nuts. Super hot, but completely crazy. He may have done everything she says he did, and if so fuck him, but if she’s Latin then I sort of believe that last part about her attacking him. Except I assume that bear in the dryer sheet commercial could kick his ass so I’m not sure how he fought her off.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has amazing dating advice

By brendon February 15, 2011 @ 4:47 PM

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Jennifer Love Hewitt has spent the past few years explaining to anyone who can’t get away fast enough how desperate she is to get married. Just last month she told Ellen DeGeneres that she already has three engagement rings for her phantom fiance to choose from.

Well she’s 31 now, and it hasn’t happened yet, so to really turn things around she consulted a renowned relationship expert. Herself.

(She) admitted that she browsed her own relationship book when looking for romance tips.
“Honestly, I know it’s cheesy, but it really helped me.”
Hewitt, who celebrated Valentine’s Day with her man of eight months, recently told Us that he gifts her with flowers “every single day. He’ll either give me a bouquet, or handpick one.”

Wait, every single day? 240 times now? Oh my god, what a weirdo. They don’t even do that shit in commercials about flowers. There’s a line where “romantic” turns into “open your eyes this guy is crazy”, and he sprinted past it at least 6 months ago.

(image source = getty)