Ashley Benson Is Still The Best At Instagram

By Travis April 30, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

If arguing with anonymous people in the comments sections of grainy photos posted by celebrities is your thing, then Instagram is a pretty awesome social networking site. But if you don’t appreciate the finer points of being called a cunt by someone halfway around the world, then Instagram is probably worthless to you. That is, unless you follow Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson, who loves to post photos of herself in bikinis.

Aside from Pretty Little Liars, I don’t know anything else that Benson has done, but she could euthanize kittens for sport and that would be fine as long as she keeps posting these pictures. In fact, if more attractive blonde girls posted photos like these to their Instagram accounts, the world would be a much better place and terrorism would completely stop.

I have no information to back that claim up, but it wouldn’t kill us to at least try.

Mom Knocks Up Teenage Daughter

By Jack April 30, 2013 @ 10:43 AM

This woman deserves mother of the year. A lady in jolly ‘ol England wanted to have lots of kids. So, she adopted three kids. When she was refused permission to adopt a fourth child she bought sperm over the Internet in order to impregnate her 14-year-old daughter. Not your traditional Plan B when turned down for adoption. She would inject the web obtained spunk in her daughter’s hoo-haa with a syringe. The girl miscarried 6 times (!) until one womb weasel finally stuck. Here’s the thing. In the U.K., like the U.S., you can’t just be a pregnant 14-year old without people asking questions. Questions like, ‘So, hey, who’s going to jail for banging this middle schooler?’ So mom and her turkey baster got plum busted and sentenced to five years in the Big House. The most telling part of this story is that mom thought you have to buy sperm for a 14-year old girl on the Internet. Rookie.

Martha Stewart Is Joining

By Travis April 30, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

If Martha Stewart was just some single grandmother in Boca Raton trying to find a man to waste a few bottles of lube on, no one would really care that she’s joining the dating site But since she’s worth at least half a million dollars and she controls a media empire that rivals Oprah, guys everywhere might start logging into their accounts to make sure they delete that part that reads: “No fat chicks or old ladies.”

Stewart told the Today Show that she has created an account under an alias and she’s looking for someone to wake up next to each morning. According to the Daily Mail, she said the perfect guy will be “youngish” and “really smart”, as well as “successful”.

Meanwhile, she’s not posting any pictures of herself on the account because she wants random men on the Internet to appreciate her for what she is, a 71-year old ex-convict, and not for all of her money. So good luck, Martha, in going on all zero of your dates.

Claudia Romani In A Bikini

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 9:31 AM

Claudia Romani In A Bikini In Miami
I bet Claudia Romani likes men with a sense of humor. Hot women always say they love guys with a sense of humor, then they end up mounting the most humorless self-absorbed good looking prick they can find. It’s always disappointing to learn that when given options, women behave just like men.

Here’s Claudia Romani on the beach in a bikini. Do you think she’s dating a perfectly coiffed swarthy soccer player or the pale slob dishing up the comedy nuggets Tuesday nights at the local stand-up joint?

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet

Ray J’s ‘I Hit It First’ Is Pretty Sad (VIDEO)

By Travis April 30, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It has been about six years since Kim Kardashian accepted $5 million from Vivid Entertainment for the release of her amateur porn that she recorded with then-unknown hip hop artist Ray J in 2003. So while Kim and now-unknown hip hop artist Ray J presumably haven’t slept together in a decade, the latter has released a new video for his single, “I Hit it First”, which is obviously directed at Kim’s current boyfriend and eventual third ex-husband Kanye West.

Ray J even hired a Kim lookalike for the new video, which would be cool if he’d produced it in 2004 and all of the lyrics were about football players. But this is just sad now. Even a guy waking up from a coma after 10 years is probably like, “Get over it, loser.”

Vida Guerra In A Bikini

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 3:42 AM

Vida Guerra In A Bikini At The Beach In Miami

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, WENN

Live By the Ponytail, Die By the Ponytail (VIDEO)

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 1:55 AM

Here’s everything I know about India. Even the people who live there can’t understand the movies so they turn to obscure forms of outdoor exhibitionism when it’s time to let loose on the weekends. Like dudes dancing with cobras, eating super spicy food that will give you the shits, and, of course, navigating a zip line over a river with your ponytail attached to the wire. Sailendra Nath Roy should’ve considered the spicy food thing instead of the ponytail thing because then he might be alive today.

This video is not nearly as gruesome as I first suspected. He didn’t really die from his ponytail ripping off his scalp and plummeting to his death. He had a heart attack. And the cell phone camera guy stopped filming before Roy went limp. Stil, when you consider that a vast majority of men who have ponytails end up being shivved in prison after child sexual assault convictions, cardiac arrest over a river isn’t so bad.

Farrah Abraham Sold Her Sex Tape

By Steve G. April 29, 2013 @ 5:10 PM

Farrah Abraham has a face that could turn a man to stone if you looked directly at it. She’s also pathetic, and desperate to be famous, so she filmed a sex tape, with the hopes of selling it to launch a career. Step two is now complete.

Vivid reportedly agreed to pay Abraham nearly $1 million for the 70-minute-long porn, which will be titled Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. - Radar Online

Backdoor, meaning anal, and yes I will be watching. Vivid president Steve Hirsch issued a press release saying how much Farrah Abraham reminds him of a young Kim Kardashian. While they don’t actually look alike, if he means a blindly ambitious money-grubbing fame whore, then, spot on, Steve.

A million bucks isn’t exactly a lot of money these days, though , so here’s hoping feeling like a star as tears and mascara and her colon lining fell to the floor was enough to make up for the years of shame and ridicule that are to follow. In the end, I guess the one thing to take away from this is if you were ever a teen mother just be thankful you didn’t have to resort to taking a dick in the ass on film to make a living. And if you did have to I’d just like to say it’s a noble profession that has brought joy to millions upon millions around the world, so don’t feel bad, also send me a link.