Carmen Ortega Models A Thong Bikini For A 138 Water

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 4:17 PM

Carmen Ortega Models A Thong Bikini For A 138 Water Commercial Shoot In The Hollywood Hills
At this point, the 138 Water people are just grabbing girls with large asses off the street to pose for fifty dollars. This easily could be a single camera guy who put fake label on his Dasani water bottle and has convinced desperate hungry models that it’s some new product campaign. It’s one way to meet girls. Or murder and dismember them in the back of your van. We need one of those gritty movie cops to investigate this shit before we start running out of naive chicks with big fake tits in this town.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Helen Flanagan Grabs Her Tits A Lot in 2014

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 3:26 PM

Helen Flanagan Topless For Her 2014 Calander
A lot of people refer to Helen Flanagan as the sexiest woman in Britain. It’s like calling somebody the best ice hockey player in Texas. There’s a few kids who can skate in the Lone Star State, but it’s not Minnesota, if you know what I’m saying. Still, this TV actress is good looking enough that they took the time to airbrush the shit out of photos of her covering her best parts to make a wall calendar for 2014. You can order one this week I guess and get it signed by Helen. Just imagine the imaginary closeness you’ll feel jizzing over March knowing she scrawled her name on the cover.

Photo Credit:

Shia LaBeouf Got Punched In the Face Again

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 3:00 PM

Justin Bieber is pretty prodigious at pussy scuffles, but he’s still not even to the legend, Shia LaBeouf. Shia is like Bieber without the bodyguards. He gets wasted and picks fights with dudes who invariably wallop him with a few good licks before somebody convinces Shia to run away. It happened again over the weekend in London. Pretty standard story. Shia saw two girls puking in the gutter outside of a nightclub and decided he wanted to video document it for the virtual emotional journal his psychiatrist helped him invent. The birds got to screaming at Shia to turn off the camera. Some British type guy nearby took exception with Shia’s bad form and told him to take a hike. So, Shia started filming him too. The two tussled, and the bloke punched Shia in the face. Shia responded bravely by running away. Later the girls who were puking said they wished they had known the pussy punk with the cell camera was Shia LaBeouf because they love him and would’ve been happy to have him film their retching.  This all happened. It really did. The puking girls. The actor pussy. And the Sir Walter Raleigh.

Photo credit: TMZ (but that was a couple getting-punched-in-the-faces ago)

Bieber Gets Into Slap Fight To Represent Hip Hop

By Jack October 14, 2013 @ 2:12 PM

It seems that Justin Bieber got into a bit of a tussle when a DJ refused to play hip hop at a club. The incident happened in South Korea when a shirtless Bieber, his hairless girlish chest gleaming with sweat, asked big time DJ Michael Woods to play some hip hop. Woods reportedly told The Biebs to “Fuck off and put some clothes on”. That’s when Biebs had a hissy fit and “fought” Woods’ manager, to which I infer Woods’ manager is a smallish type disabled person or maybe a young child who can’t afford legal representation. You won’t find Bieber going after the strongest in the herd. Bieber wants his hip hop, he’s getting his damn hip hop, even if he has to throw a sucker punch and then have his bodyguard whisk him away to prove his dominance.


Spanked Midget Revolts Against Miley Cyrus

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 1:31 PM

Miley Cyrus Performs With Little People At The iHeartRadio Music Festival
One of the little people who manned the dancing stuffed bears in Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance is speaking out. Hollis Jane says she felt horribly degraded and embarrassed and a bunch of other powerfully evocative terms after being forced to dance around and be spanked and treated like a toy during the show. Well, she wasn’t so much forced as she did try out for the gig, but only because it’s impossible for midgets to get real work in Hollywood.

I was a bear in Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance and it was my first time doing anything like that…anything where I was being used because of my height, not because of my talent.

Yes, you are the first performer to ever be typecast because of your looks. Oh, your talents are being wasted. Shut the fuck up and be glad you’re not a girl with a slightly messed up face and big cans who is directed into the ass-to-mouth porn line. I can’t wait until bumbling comedy sidekick Melissa McCarthy sits on you for being such a stupid idealistic sod.

Of course, it turns out that even after the extreme shame of VMA night and all the little person tears, Hollis tried out for a bear spot on Miley’s roadshow but she later backed out when she realized being treated like a sideshow freak for money just wasn’t worth it. However, every other female midget dancer felt differently it seems because they all fought over the gig. It turns out, people have to compromise to pay the rent. This world is so unfair! Start a blog.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

New York Has a Comic-Con Too

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 12:45 PM

Girls Get In Costume For Comic-Con In New York
Comic conventions and fanboy events are the perfect place for not so attractive girls to costume up and feel the drooling gaze of a thousand pudgy horny pale men. If that’s your thing. And why the fuck not. Pudgy horny pale men tend to have jobs and decent credit and no arrest records. If I was a chick, my distant second choice of mates, after I’d run through every single other woman in the world, would be a pudgy horny pale man. That’s 50 shades of a dude who will get me whatever shit I want as long as I wear a cheapy nylon get-up and call myself Jean Grey. Mistress commands you to get her some beers and turn on the ballgame and then get the fuck out of your own place for a few weeks. Now, mortal.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty

Selena Gomez Says Her Ass Is Not Enough For Drake

By Jack October 14, 2013 @ 12:21 PM

Selena Gomez says that Drake’s anaconda don’t want none of her scrawny ass. Like a lot of people in the artificial world of celebrity, Selena is in love with Drake. But, Selena surmises from her deep life experience growing up in Hollywood that Drake probably has a penchant for big booties:

“I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I don’t think my butt is big enough for Drake.”

It’s a good rule of thumb for life that when someone prefaces something with, “I mean this in the nicest way possible”, that it’s going to be kind of fucked up, or just a tad bit racist. I just don’t get the big fucking deal about Drake. He looks like a million other black Canadian Jews that rose to fame playing a wheelchair bound kid on TV. Why does every girl in Hollywood want to suck on his concocted rapper bone? I suppose if you last boyfriend was Justin Bieber you’re just excited by the prospect of a guy who can lift a box or two when you move.

Jaimie Alexander Poses In Lingerie For Esquire

By Lex October 14, 2013 @ 11:36 AM

Jaimie Alexander Poses In Lingerie For Esquire

Photo Credit: Esquire