afternoon headlines

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 6:34 PM

Sting, Gordon Sumner, Mystery Girl

OLIVIA WILDE – is single, having separated from Tao Ruspoli after 8 years of marriage (wait, what?) because she thinks she got married too young (at 18) and now she wants to “sow her wild oats.” In other words, “fuck”. And if you think that’s surprising, how do you think I felt when that unconscious model in my hot tub turned out to be 16. I was all like, “whaaat!!” (us)

SIENNA MILLER AND JUDE LAW – are single too, having broken up after dating from 2003 to 2006 and then from 2009 until now. Oh so they weren’t compatible? I’m surprised because normally people change overnight. (ppl)

STING – has had a wife since 1992. And that’s not her. That’s some other girl on a yacht off the coast of Australia. It’s kind of sweet when two people make a connection like this. Really warms my heart. (inf daily)

Tony Hawk is sleeping with his best friends wife

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 4:14 PM

tony_hawk_and_lhotse_merriam

Most people have never heard anyone say anything bad about Tony Hawk, and there’s plenty of good reasons for that, but you probably will after today.

First let’s preface this by mentioning that Hawk is getting divorced for the third time. He first got married in 1990, then divorced her to marry the nanny, then divorced the nanny to marry his publicist. Well now he’s divorcing the publicist, and he’s doing that, according to a source, because he’s having yet another affair. This time with a woman who is also married, to someone named Matt Goodman. And who is Matt Goodman?

…in 1998 … longtime Del Mar Skate Ranch skateboarding buddy Tony Hawk asked Goodman to start a production company with him. Together, they launched 900 Films, delivering over 30 hours of original content for ESPN.

So yeah Tony Hawk and Matt Goodman are lifelong friends and business partners. Oh and their kids are also best friends. Which is convenient because now they can live together. So this will be like the Brady Bunch, except with a drunk guy banging on the door every Christmas saying how those are his kids and this is bullshit.

(NOTE: this is a TYLER EXCLUSIVE, btw, and in the future I really need to find some way of saying that without feeling like such a bloggery jackass.)

Lindsay Lohan will be charged with felony grand theft

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 4:13 PM

lindsay lohan 270111

Lindsay Lohan will will be charged with felony grand theft tomorrow and accused of stealing a $2500 necklace from a Venice jewelry store, and furthermore, hahahahaha Lindsay you suck.

She’s been out of rehab for 34 days, by the way.

Sources connected with the case tell TMZ … the single count of felony grand theft will be filed at Airport Court in L.A. Wednesday morning.
Lindsay will be arraigned at 1:30 PM.  She must be present for the hearing.
If convicted, she could be sent to California State prison.

I have no idea if state prison let’s people out as quickly as county jail, where Lindsay was the last few times when she was sprung in a matter of hours, but it seems impossible. Not that Lindsay has anything to worry about, because she’s got an ace up her sleeve.

…she has witnesses who will back up her story about the allegedly stolen necklace and keep her out of jail.
“There were two witnesses with Lindsay in the store who are going to tell her side of the story,” a source close to the actress told Radar exclusively.
“Her assistant Eleanor and her friend Patrick were with her and they saw everything and they both know that Lindsay didn’t steal the necklace.”

I guess Lindsays claim is that the store is doing all this for publicity. So, quick, what’s the name of the jewelry store at the center of all this?

Yeah.

I have no idea either.

So if no one knows who they are even now, how were they ever supposed to get publicity by loaning her a necklace you can barely even see (it’s the thin one on top in the picture above)? It makes no sense. Why on earth would anyone loan Lindsay anything? I wouldn’t even let her have stuff she’s paid for, because her dumb ass is gonna do something stupid and make me look bad, like how OJ single-handedly killed the Bronco, so to speak.

Christina Aguilera is crazy now

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 1:26 PM

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Back in October, Christina Aguilera’s 9 year relationship and 6 year marriage to Jordan Bratman came to an end, just 12 days before the release of her movie Burlesque. Unfortunately the movie kind of sucked, so that didn’t really help her mood any either (in 10 weeks it’s made $81.5 million worldwide).

After that she reportedly sunk into a depression that ended with her unannounced and uninvited at Jeremy Renner’s birthday party, where she got drunk and passed out on his bed. Those two had never previously met, by the way.

So, with all that in mind…

…her staff banded together with a plan to persuade her to get some help.
But when Aguilera caught wind of their plan, she threatened to fire all of them for even suggesting that she has a problem, a source told Page Six.
“They wanted to talk to her carefully about the issue, but they’re not going to because they are scared after she threatened to fire them. Her people desperately want this to come out so she will get help.”

To be fair, having a disappointment like she did can drive anyone to drink. Or at least that’s what my dad told me after I dropped that touchdown in pee-wee football.

Prince kicked Kim Kardashian off stage (not literally)

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 11:47 AM

Kim Kardashian and her lover Kris Humphries went to see Prince last night in New York, when suddenly she was pulled on stage to dance with him!!!

And then she was promptly kicked off stage because she basically just stood there. E! says…

(Prince invited Kim) onstage during his show tonight at Madison Square Garden, but gave her the high-heeled boot when she was initially too fazed to get funky.
Or maybe he was annoyed that she was tweeting midperformance

They’re not kidding. She really was

– “OMG Prince just pulled me up on stage!!! I’m shaking!!!!”
– “I was so nervous I froze when Prince touched me!!!!”
– “Went up on stage AGAIN! This time I redeemed myself! We all danced while Prince played the piano! Wow! What a night!”

So apparently she was just nervous the first time. Which is actually sort of cute. People should really re-think their opinion of Kim because she’s not the whore Paris Hilton is, but they get lumped together because of the sex tape. You never hear about Kim getting drunk and sleeping around, she usually has a boyfriend, and she rarely wears anything slutty when she goes out, like she would if she were some dirty Italian.

(NOTE: I might just make the page as racist as possible today)

(image source = splash news online)

Halle Berry is still insisting her baby is black

By brendon February 08, 2011 @ 10:32 AM

Halle Berry & Daughter Leaving Friend's House

On Friday it was reveled that Halle Berry and her ex Gabriel Aubry would sometimes argue over how their daughter was labeled in the press. Both of Aubys’ parents are white, and Halles mom is white while her dad is black, but she still wants their child referred to as “black”.

Well, if nothing else the math on display here definitely proves she’s not Asian. TMZ says…

Halle Berry says it point blank … her daughter is Black — a direct message to her ex Gabriel Aubry who, according to sources, “went nuts” anytime someone called Nahla Black.
Halle says in an upcoming interview with EBONY magazine, “I feel she’s Black. I’m Black and I’m her mother, and I believe in the one-drop theory.” The one-drop rule was used during segregation to describe anyone who wasn’t 100% Caucasian.

Look if Halle wants to go back to the old timey rules about race, that’s fine with me, but I call dibs on buying her and making her my property. Let’s see how fond of the old days this hot bitch is once I start raping her.

Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are creepy

By brendon February 07, 2011 @ 7:55 PM

Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod

Cameron Diaz and boyfriend Alex Rodriguez hit up Miami beach last week, and how can two people with such good bodies still look so unattractive? Especially her. She’s so ugly it’s uncomfortable. Like if you showed this picture to your dog he’d start backing away and then howling.

(image source = inf daily)

Tony Hawk is getting divorce number three

By brendon February 07, 2011 @ 5:16 PM

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It’s a good thing Tony Hawk makes tons of money because that dude can’t go 10 minutes without getting a divorce. People.com says…

Tony Hawk’s third marriage is coming to an end.
Hawk, 42, filed for divorce from his wife, Lhotse Merriam, in North San Diego County, Calif., on Friday.
“We have made the difficult decision to file for divorce,” the couple say in a joint statement Monday.
“We remain deeply committed and loving parents to our daughter, and out of respect for that responsibility we ask that people honor our family’s privacy during this important time of transition.”

Why does this feel like Tiger Woods in a volcom shirt? When a famous guy with groupies gets divorced all the time, I don’t assume he needs privacy now. I assume he needed privacy when he was transitioning into the panties of whatever teenager he was banging 6 months ago. Are girls like that gonna start showing up on TMZ now, like they did with Tiger? But in this case will they have those Roxy boy shorts on? Because that would be awesome.