By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 3:28 PM
The last blond who got involved with Tiger Woods ended up with 200 million dollars to mend her butt hurt feelings. I’m not sure Lindsey Vonn is going to fare as well. I think some higher power hates her for constantly talking about how funny and sweet and kind Tiger is in every interview she does. Even if it’s true, nobody believes it. If she said he had a hole in his soul that could only be filled by plowing lines of needy whores, it’d come off as more real. Lindsey Vonn crashed again yesterday on the slopes during training for the Winter Olympics nobody knows are happening in a couple months in Sochi. That’s in Russia. Yes, I didn’t know either. Lindsey Vonn’s ability to compete next February is up in the air, meaning the hottest girls at the Winter Games might again be the British male figure skaters.
Photo Credit: Getty, Sports Illustrated
By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 2:12 PM
According to Shereen El Feki, a noted Arab world sex researcher, or, as I like to call her, Miss Destined for a Spectacular Beheading, sodomy is on the rise big time among young Muslim women. Those horny Sexy in the City bitches from the Arab Peninsula and surrounds want them some Mr. Big, but they can’t afford to bust their hymen before marriage. That’s a big public square tire burning no-no. So they’re taking it up the pooper like it’s going out of style. And for the young Arab bride-to-be who accidentally lost her maidenhead in a moment of tambourine music inspired passion, fake hymen stitching is an elective surgery fast on the rise the week before wedding nights. In summary, like all organized religions, Islam turns out to be very good to men who dig butt sex.
By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 1:47 PM
When feminists from Northeastern liberal arts colleges get together, it’s like a video game where your point total racks up with each vagina reference. Big time bonus points for rants about genital ownership. It’s my fucking twat and I’ll do what I want with it. Vagina rights is the Pictionary for feminist pot lucks. Like the Texas Abortion Rights telethon that happened without anybody noticing a couple nights ago. Just a bunch of women who love being women so much it closely resembles hate, fighting for the right to do what they want with their reproductive systems. Sarah Silverman showed up to lend her brand of lady raunch, at one point wiping her privates inside her pants with a dinner napkin and then adding it to the list of auction items. Everybody called her wild and progressive, including the woman dressed up like a snatch just to remind her husband that he isn’t getting any. The vagnapkin went for $250 to the CDC who burned it in a viro-safe chamber before it could Hot Zone the entire Lower 48.
By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 1:05 PM
Photo Credit: Fitness Gurls Magazine
By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
At some point after last night’s Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe Launch Party in Playa Vista, California, newly-single model Miranda Kerr ran into Miley Cyrus, and the two let fashion photographer Mert Alas take a quick close-up picture of them. Normally, I’d wonder something truly important and intellectual like whether or not this is the company that Miranda is going to keep now that she and Orlando Bloom are divorcing, but where the fuck are Miley’s eyebrows? If this leads to millions of stupid girls across the world taking up the alopecia look as “fashion,” we’re really going to have to start considering and taking the idea of mass sterilization more seriously.
Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr/Instagram
By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Now that Denise Richards has given up custody of Charlie Sheen’s twin sons, Bob and Max, because of her claims that they were beating the crap out of her daughter, the actor has realized that he has to actually not be a dick and follow the procedures of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services like everyone else, or he won’t get to see his kids again. According to Radar, since Brooke Mueller’s brother, Scott, now has custody of the kids that Charlie still won’t nut up and take care of himself, the actor has decided to cooperate with Family Services so he can continue to hang out with his kids every once in a while.
Otherwise, someone else is going to have to tell them about all of the porn stars he’s nailing, and only Charlie can really capture the magic in describing what a coked up orgy is all about.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 10:59 AM
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash