Production for Sharknado 2 will be underway soon without Tara Reid. The former star will not be rejoining the cast of the movie where sharks fall from the skies even though Ian Ziering will return as hero Finley ‘Fin’ Shepherd. This in spite of the fact that Tara’s character survived the massive shark attack. In the original Sharknado Reid played Ziering’s estranged wife and a lot of the movie is spent trying to reunite them through all the badly rendered CGI sharky action. No specific reason was given for Tara not being asked back for Sharknado 2. But, it’s certainly a slap in the face.
I can’t imagine a clearer sign that it’s time to call it quits than when the sequel to Sharknado doesn’t want you. That’s pretty fucking bad. I mean, it’s one thing when real movies with plots and distribution deals don’t want to risk you ruining their productions, but Sharknado 2? That’s bad. Real bad. Maybe it’s time to apply to Starbucks, Tara. No, not the one in the fancy mall, that one that opened up in the janky part of town as a deal to appease the city council.
“We just want to do it when it’s perfect, and we’re not rushed, and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job. And, you know, we already feel married.”
Wow, Justin Theroux. Get the fuck out. Now. Sure, you can call this liberating for the dude as he gets to plow Jennifer Aniston without having to marry her. But that’s regular guy’s logic. Jennifer Aniston is no gold digger. She’s got all the gold. She’s just keeping you wrapped up in an engagement prison of her long and complex baggage. Those berating screams assaulting your left ear when you look at another woman. Yeah, those aren’t going away, pal. Your fiancee loves being engaged like she likes holding your nuts in her designer clutch. GTFO now.
Sometimes, it takes a strong but measured beat down to remind someone of their place in a relationship. A couple weeks ago in a Montreal hotel room, Emma Roberts had to girl punch her actor boyfriend a couple or three times in the shnoz just to let him know who was top dog. You may call it abusive or cruel. I call it bringing order to chaos. Look, everybody’s happy now.
We’ve all had fun laughing at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for naming their bastard daughter North West. But it’s not like the Kardashian family is new to naming their kids something stupid. Every member of that brood has a name that begins with the letter K. So, why didn’t they name this future reality show exploited child with a K name? Because Kim was afraid of people mistaking their brood for the KKK. As in, the Ku Klux Klan. In an upcoming episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, scholarly Kim explains to her shiftless brother Brody that “Our kid, if it’s a K, then they’ll call us the KKK.” Kim Kanye and Baby K.
I’d like to build a logic tree depicting Kim and Kanye’s thinking through on this one. They couldn’t just avoid the ‘K’ name because it’s a stupid ass tradition designed in Hades by the puppet master Kris Jenner? It had to be because of some illogical and completely unsubstantiated fear of being a family of color who people might believe are sending secret Klan signals? And your backup plan is to give the kid a stupid fucking directional name that actually will haunt them forever? Abort.
Taylor Swift may be a G-rated succubus spawn of the Dark Lord. But, as a man, I have the superpowers to look past her soul robbing merchandisable persona and think about what it might be like to knock around with her in her grandma getups. That could be a thing. Not a thing worth eternal damnation, but a thing.
Twilight actress Ashley Greene seems like a very nice young woman, as evidenced by some of the photos that she posts to her Instagram account. For example, this photo and this photo both feature things that appeal to me and many other men throughout the world, and they make me want to see Ashley in more films that don’t involve really shitty acting and the least scariest vampires ever.
Yesterday, she added the above image of herself on a trapeze, and I’m hoping that she follows it up with a sun dress on a trampoline. Or a sex tape. Whatever she’s feeling up to.