Kendall Jenner was out late last night at a big gallery opening, pretty much like every other 17 year old girl who got pulled out of school in the sixth grade so she could start earning. Not that Kendall isn’t getting the most important kind of education amongst her family, learning valuable lessons such as always gets paid in advance, good girls go hungry, and don’t let him hit you in the face. And not that a formal education is for everyone. Kendall is just a teen and can already afford for somebody to remind her what comes after M in the alphabet and why if the world is round we don’t all fall off. When she wakes up one day to find out her mom has stolen all her money, she’s going to be totally fucked, but until that time, why waste time in school. It’s a drag.
Joey Fatone of N’Sync has given Justin Bieber some simple advice: stop being such a douche. You’ll recall that the Biebs has been doing a lot of stupid shit lately like saying Anne Frank would probably be a fan of his stupid music, spitting on a neighbor, and just generally acting like a fucktard across the European continent, which, granted, they deserve. Fatone had this to say about his to his fellow middle-aged lesbian:
“Don’t be a douche. That’s plain and simple. You get this bug from the celebrity thing, where you’re very on top of the world and everyone’s ‘yessing’ you to death, so you’re like, ‘I can get away with this. I can do that.’
You know things are bad when Joey Fatone tells you to cut back on the douchebaggery. It’s even worse when he’s right. Of course, we’d all be dicks to some extent if we were 19 and wildly rich and famous and people let us get away with everything and hot girls would sleep with us even if we were total a-holes. The measure is relative. With celebrities who deal with their mighty pop power in a dignified, classy way on one end of the dial and spinning all the way down to total utter douchebags like Justin Bieber. So much so that Joey Fatone is calling him out. It’s like Courtney Love telling you you’ve got a drug problem. It’s time to reflect.
Model Joanna Krupa knows how to shop for a wedding dress. She should. She’s a Miami Beach housewife on one of those idiotic Bravo! shows where semi-drunk women get to watch really drunk women fall to pieces and feel sorry for them while feeling superior. I can’t put that into man terms, because men don’t operate on such multiple layers of complex human emotions. We see a drunk hag slip on a banana peel, we laugh and move on. We see Joanna Krupa hiking up her wedding dress and we get aroused. We don’t think, wow, what a catty whore who doesn’t deserve that dress but I wonder how I’d look with similar highlights in my hair. Men don’t have time for that crap. We have to hunt.
Mariah Carey released this teaser video for her new single “Beautiful” yesterday, and the big takeaway is that her “new beginning” and “new era” will begin on May 6. If the teaser, which features the 43-year old singer and American Idol judge acting sexy on a motorcycle, is any kind of indication of what that new era will entail, then we can expect to see constant reminders that she still has long legs and giant tits.
There’s nothing wrong with that, obviously, because despite her heavy workload and two kids, she seems to be keeping her physical appearance a top priority. Clearly, she only married Nick Cannon so she could harvest his organs and drain his blood until he’s nothing but a lifeless prune. So keep up the good work, Mariah.
It’s not fair that Khloe Kardashian got fired from her X-Factor hostess job simply because she’s an annoying talentless big-boned twat who looks like a melting wax statue on camera. Khloe really needed this gig. Without it, she’s left to prattle her greeting card level slogans on Twitter, wait for Lamar to come home and bang her with his eyes closed, and secretly meet with teams of investigators she’s hired to find her real daddy. That’s not enough for a woman as deep and rich as Khloe.
As if real life didn’t kick Khloe in her elastic waist bands hard enough, it now looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt is coming onto the show. Yeah, she’s better looking, more talented, and actually sort of knows how to sing, but can she carry a piano on her back while making sweet butt love to the first man who tells her how pretty her eyes are? Nay. Khloe got robbed.
The Amanda Bynes career makeover and public meltdown experience continued this week as the one-time respectable child actress kept using her Twitter account to complain about the pictures that celebrity magazines publish of her. She believes that people are only publishing bad images of her so they can destroy her career further and keep making her out to look like a raving lunatic with no control over her life. The nerve.
So after she bitched about all that, she Tweeted the above image of her new haircut, because this is what qualifies as a good picture of her. Now, in addition to the cheek piercings and constant duck face, she has shaved off half of her hair, as people compared her to Miley Cyrus, Rihanna and Amber Rose.
It’s just impossible to figure out why Drake hasn’t murdered her vagina, buried it, dug it back up and murdered it some more.
Where would you turn? This Heisman hopeful and all but certain NFL first round draft pick just a few months ago was skipped over entirely by all 32 teams in the coveted first round. Your coaches aren’t going to understand. Your family who’s been counting on this day since you were in Pee Wee ball won’t give you comfort. The media is only going to ask you brutal questions. You’ve got to turn to the one person who’s always been there for you, through thick and thin. Your fake dead girlfriend. Lenay Kekua. And like a fucking champ, despite having black lung disease and recently being in a hot air balloon collision, Lenay got right onto a seven hour call with Manti Te’o to lift his spirits and help him release some frustration. Sadly, just moments after the love birds hung up the phone, Lenay’s cousin called to tell Manti that his fake dead girlfriend had died again. It really was a rough day for the Polynesian linebacker.
Now that Snooki has become a huge success at being a human bobblehead doll, her castmate from Jersey Shore Jenni Farley, AKA JWOWW, has also figured out what it is she wants to be when she grows up. Because it takes practically no talent at all, JWOWW has fit right in as one of the new young cast members on the soap opera One Life to Live, which has been downgraded from actual TV series to something lonely women watch on Hulu.
She talked about why (money) she took this interesting next step (money) in her career (money) at the show’s New York City premiere earlier this week.
“My manager suggested I should give it a try since I want to get into acting,” JWOWW said of her guest role on the show.
“I grew up watching most of them with my grandmother. It became our thing… Snuggling up on the couch after school with my grandma catching up on soaps.” (Radar)
She also defended MTV’s Teen Mom show, claiming that teenage pregnancies dropped in the U.S. after that show debuted. But that’s probably just because the meth kills them first.