Joanna Krupa In A Bikini

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 5:15 PM

Joanna Krupa In A Gold Bikini Getting Out Of The Pool In Miami
Joanna Krupa really reaffirms the American dream for people around the world. The noble notion that even a simple girl from a humble Polish background, if she’s really fucking hot, can come to America, become a famous model, sleep with Joe Francis, deny that she’s a hooker, marry a guy who is a ‘nightclub investor’, and end up being one of the few Real Housewives not in jail or dead. If they get around to updating the motto on the Statue of Liberty, they ought to go with this story.

Photo Credit: PCN

Hannah Anderson’s Kidnapper’s Dad Also Liked to Kidnap Teen Girls

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 4:52 PM

Remember that guy that kidnapped his friend’s sixteen year old daughter and ran off with her so they Amber Alerted millions of cell phones┬áto be on the lookout for his blue Nissan. The car not a a single soul noticed along his 800 mile drive to Idaho where completely coincidentally he got spotted by some horseback riders who thought he looked funny out in the middle of nowhere with a teen girl in her pajamas. Well, as you probably already know. He’s dead now. The FBI shot him. And Hannah Anderson, the girl, is back home with her extended family. But that’s not the weird part. 24-years ago this same guy’s father became infatuated with an ex-girlfriend’s sixteen year old daughter and tried to kidnap her as well. No shit, that’s Cat’s in the Cradle type fucking pathology. The girl his dad tried to kidnap was one of his high school classmates who his dad made him pass along an ominous threat to so the girl took off and went into hiding that same day. 24 years later, that high school boy grows up, becomes infatuated with his own female friend’s sixteen year old daughter and kidnaps her too. There’s no real moral to this story. Just the fact that you’re going to end up like your parents whether you like it or not. If your dad was an All-Star professional athlete, you’ve got it made. For the rest of us, we’re fucked.

Kourtney Shows Support for Khloe

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 3:54 PM

Kourtney And Khloe Kardashian Get Lunch Together In Calabasas
The role of big sister truly is like a second mother. Which placed Kourtney Kardashian in the position of consoling her little sister Khloe in her time of marital strife. Not so much marital strife as her husband banging tons of other women. But when you don’t want Khloe angry and stomping on Tokyo, you call it marital strife. The sisters shopped and gabbed about Kourtney’s child’s legally questioned paternity, how cute Kim’s little bastard baby is, and who little half-sister Kylie could fuck to get in the news now that she’s turned sixteen. Then Khloe bought a $3000 purse she intends to fill with fantastical happy thoughts and possibly the live beating hearts of the women who have known her husband biblically.

Photo Credit: PCN

Lake Bell Gets Painted Nude

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 3:32 PM

Lake Bell Gets Nude And Painted For The Cover Of New York Magazine
Body painting seems to be a big thing these days. Who doesn’t see a naked girl and think, man, I’d like to paint her to obscure her best stuff. I guess it turns naked girls into art and that makes it okay to put them on your magazine cover without people calling you a pornographer. I don’t mind being called a pornographer as my high school guidance counselor said that would be the upper limits of my achievement potential. I know if I ran the world you would be able to see Lake Bell’s tits without paint. Just saying, when the vote comes around, remember that.

Photo Credit: New York Magazine

Oprah Lied, Switzerland Died

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 2:56 PM

I wouldn’t fuck with Oprah. She’s big and rich and vindictive. But, somebody has got to speak truth to fat power and that somebody is the anonymous store clerk from the Swiss store where Oprah claims she was the victim of vile designer handbag racism.

‘I wasn’t sure what I should present to her when she came in on the afternoon of Saturday July 20 so I showed her some bags from the Jennifer Aniston collection. It is absolutely not true that I declined to show her the [expensive] bag on racist grounds. I even asked her if she wanted to look at the bag.’

So, sort of the opposite of what crying Oprah said. Not that there’s any proof. But now that Switzerland has apologized, from the store owner on up to the Burgermeister Meisterburger, and Oprah apologized back to all of Switzerland from atop her floating island lair, can’t we all just agree that the real villain here is Jennifer Aniston. Does she really need to be hocking purses? Friends money running dry? Jennifer Aniston ruins everything.

Simon Cowell Parties With Friends On His Yacht

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 2:29 PM

Simon Cowell Parties With His Friends On His Yacht In The French Riviera
It’s good to be Simon Cowell I guess. Or just really fucking rich and famous. Some men would be phased by learning they accidentally knocked up their friend’s wife and she’s keeping the baby. I remember a girlfriend once telling me she was ‘late’ and crying for a week during the wait. Not her crying, me crying. Not Simon. He got some girls and some brewskis and took out the yacht in the Riviera for some jet skiing and more sex. I guess I’d call him a cad or something if I wasn’t so obviously jealous.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Amputee Athlete Reunited With Stolen Wheelchair

By Jack August 13, 2013 @ 2:10 PM

I told you yesterday about an evil bag of dicks who stole the custom wheelchair of world class handicapped swimmer Philippe Croizon. Today a truck driver found the all-terrain wheelchair in an car park after the shitdick that stole it realized that police were on the lookout for it. Philippe Croizon is the first quadruple amputee to swim the English Channel, which is pretty amazing for a guy who has no limbs and is also French. This kind of thing is what happens in a country full of ennui and existential despair like France. “Why should I not, how you say, steal a wheelchair? Life has no meaning. Pass me a cock and some cigarettes. At least he got it back. There is nothing sadder than a swimmer slithering through the French countryside on his belly looking for his stolen ride.

Madonna’s Daughter Has Big Ambitions

By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 1:21 PM

Nobody was ever cursed more with a blessing than Shelly Kitts. Shelly started developing in grade school. By the time high school rolled around, Shelly was saddled with two Texas sized humps on her chest. She could barely move. Her name rhymed with tits. She had a rough high school. I can’t help but think back to my childhood giggling about Kitts tits while not at all looking at Lourdes Leon on vacation in France.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet