Candice Swanepoel Stealing Bikini Jobs from Americans!

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 5:31 PM

Should Americans be worried that we’re outsourcing all of our bikini modeling jobs? I didn’t say anything when we lost machine tool & dye, and plastics rotocasting, and the Sports Illustrated subscription call center. Boom. Now I have to talk to a guy in Mumbai if I want my football phone. But bikini modeling seems inherently American. Even though we didn’t invent the bikini, modeling, photography, any common swimsuit fabrics, or tits and ass. It still feels like something we own. But we’re losing to both Czech and Slovakia, just imagine if that powerhouse were still united. Where have you gone Brooklyn Decker? Marisa Miller?

Check out South African Candice Swanepoel on the beach in Miami this weekend and lament the loss of perhaps our nation’s finest industry.

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Paige Wyatt Talks Too Much for a Gun-Toting Barely Legal Babe (VIDEO)

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 4:21 PM

I know you’ve been asking yourself. What does that hot blonde daughter from American Guns on Discovery think about guys with beards, or pizza, or receiving marriage proposals. Fuck you, yes you have. It’s always hard to learn that 18-year old girls who you have an unseemly crush on are much hotter when they’re not talking, but the Quiet Game was invented for girls like Paige Wyatt. I guess all girls at 18 are twits. All boys at 18 are morons. I’m only speaking for myself and everybody I ever knew then. But Paige has the advantage of looking like a super hot girl from a 1980′s hair metal band video. Which is a turn on. Even if she wasn’t even born yet back then.

Kendra Wilkinson Is a Baller

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 3:54 PM

There are only two reasons for a girl to actually know how to play softball. She’s a carpet muncher who likes to wear her hair in ponytails. Or she’s an actually coordinated athlete. I’d hate to have to give any props to Kendra Wilkinson, but she’s deep-dived way to much man meat in her life to ever fall into the former category. And watching her play softball each weekend, she actually watches the ball into her glove, throws with more than just her elbow, and steps into pitches. All while her former NFL husband Hank holds her purse in he dugout. Shit, I just had a kind thing to say about stripper Kendra Wilkinson. It’ll pass soon enough.

Photo credit: PCN

Dead Writers On Planes, No Problem

By Jack March 25, 2013 @ 3:33 PM

The likely shitty musical based on Breakfast at Tiffany’s had to go up on Broadway without its guest of honor: the moldering ashes of Truman Capote. You might recall from having been forced to read the book from some failed poet ex-English major teacher/girlfriend, that the book was written by fancy lad Truman Capote. It’s about a social climbing gold digger that will do anything to be rich and famous…so, Kris Jenner, but without the obvious cock. Broadway finally granted the wish of generations of gay dudes and obese women and brought the story to the the stage. The producers of the show thought it would be awesome if the small fruity man that wrote the book could be there opening night. Only he’s been dead for decades. Luckily, Johnny Carson’s ex-wife has some of his ashes. She was going to bring powdered Truman but she decided not to because she was afraid someone would steal the ashes. Mind you, she COULD have brought Truman’s ashes on the plane. It’s legal, I looked it up. So, I can’t bring a normal sized bottle of shampoo on my carry-on but it’s perfectly legal to bring the soot that once was a human being on board? What the fuckity fuck, TSA?

The show stars Game of Thrones Daenerys Targaryen, (Emilia Clarke), but she doesn’t show her almost perfectly round breasts nor is her snatch strategically covered by CGI dragons. So what’s the point?

Nabilla Benattia Flashes Her French Cans

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 3:09 PM

Nabilla Benattia is that French reality star who brought her big boobs to America to film her reality show which just has to be about something stupid. Although it does seem to involve many hot French girls with big boobs wearing lesbian glasses. Which I guess on second thought isn’t all that stupid since they’re not really lesbians. Just French and pretending to be thoughtful.

Anyhow, the most important thing is just looking at her boobs. Don’t worry, she wants you to.

Photo credit: FF / PCN

Holy Cow!

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 2:05 PM

There are only three certainties in life. Death. Taxes. And that Kim Kardashian was destined to be a ginormous tub of fame whore goo. Just like you can keep death at the doorstep with some unholy underworld alliances, so too has Kim Kardashian celebrity cumguzzled her way into a temporary bypass of her BBW genetic destiny. But as the demon seed grows deep within her rotund belly, devilish deals are unsealing. Kim’s body parts are unbridling into an outcome that will necessarily involve lots of Japanese model tanks and army soldiers trying to drive Kim back into Tokyo Bay.

Photo credit: BG / FF / WENN

Greatest Female Teacher Excuses For Banging Their Students

By Will K. March 25, 2013 @ 1:22 PM

A female teacher getting caught banging one of her young male student bodies isn’t the news it used to be. Maybe America’s just getting desensitized (or maybe it’s just getting more awesome!). These days, many lady teachers who get caught diddling their young students completely forgo the ‘I’m so sorry’ tearful apologies and go straight into expressing their actually honest batshit crazy feelings. When you know you won’t do any hard time because you’re a hot woman, I guess that frees you up to speak the crazy truth. What follows are the greatest excuses ever claimed in the name of forbidden female teacher love:

“But I’m a Sex Addict”

If nothing else, just mentioning Pamela Rogers gives us an excuse to show this classic cellphone video of her doing a striptease. She sent it to the student she was bumping uglies with, and shockingly he ended up showing it to probably everybody he knew. And this was AFTER the first time she was imprisoned for getting caught with the kid. That video earned her a subsequent seven-year sentence that she tried to undo by convincing a a psychologist that she was a sex addict. That sex addict line might work for celebrities trying to save their marriages, but it won’t do shit good as an excuse for banging jailbait.

Continue Reading the Teacher’s Excuse List

Lindsay Lohan Braless Knockers Knock Back a Last Few

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 12:29 PM

When the media reports on Lindsay Lohan and her constant troubles with drugs and alcohol, they like to use terms like ‘troubled’ or ‘party-girl’ or ‘wayward’. Like she’s a high school honor student who fell into the wrong crowd and came home with Natty Light on her breath in the first act of an after-school special. What about just calling her a freaking ‘addict’? A wired-to-the-core junkie with an insatiable desire to self-medicate through whatever illicit substance she can pour into her pie-hole, snuff up her nose, or rapidly yearn into her snatch. I suppose ‘wayward’ is more economical, and less harsh, but also completely dishonest.

Lindsay was spotted knocking back vodka out of an unmarked carafe at a local watering hole not long after her guilty plea to her latest criminal charges and yet another court mandated rehab stint. Which means 90-days before Lindsay is allowed to return to her blessed drugs. Which she will. Because she’s ‘wayward’.

Photo credit: GSI