Let the Kid in the Fucking Zoo Already

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 5:11 PM

Oh, man, just look at that poor bastard. He’s got his bear hat on and everything. This damn government shutdown has taken its toll on our nation by doing something to somebody that nobody can really put into words. But now we have a picture of a pre-schooler who wants to see the fucking bears and the politicians won’t let him. I don’t care how you vote, you’ve got to do something about this. Maybe a Facebook rant or a pointed comment on The Daily Show site. Come, Washington, come assault my anus and make me pay you for the privilege. Just let this kid in your fucking zoo!

Photo credit: Twitter

Anais Zanotti Rollerblades In Booty Shorts

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 4:31 PM

Anais Zanotti Goes Rollerblading In Booty Shorts In Miami
Hot shorts, rollerblades, and the giant baby sucker might be going one level too deep into cliches for self-described European model Anais Zanotti. Maybe she’s been researching hot to make it in America. She’s missing the red, white, and blue bikini top and the Grave Digger baseball hat. Then I’d give her citizenship. And all my money.

Photo Credit: Splash

Miley Cyrus Offered $1 Million to Direct Porn

By Jack October 11, 2013 @ 3:39 PM

Porn emporium Gamelink offered Miley Cyrus $1 million dollars to DIRECT a porno. Apparently no one wants to actually see Miley Cyrus naked and riding some anatomically blessed dude, they just want to experience the magic of her mind’s eye. I can see the rational behind part of that.

“We believe that as an empowered 21st century woman, you are the ideal choice to show the world your vision as an artist in the world of adult entertainment. GameLink would like to offer you the very lucrative opportunity to direct an adult film, giving you full creative control, for ONE MILLION dollars.”

Full creative control is something most adult film directors can only dream of. Albeit, most are allowed a great deal of license provided they stay under the $500 cost for production and don’t show too much mouth kissing. It’s possible the good people at GameLink are confusing Miley’s accomplishments with Miley actually being accomplished. You can’t just handover the sacred reigns of porn to anybody. The Protectors of Chatsworth will descend from above and slap you hard on your junk.

Lea Michele Sings to Dead Cory Monteith, Then Moves On

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 3:14 PM

Cry, bitches, cry!

Now that Emmy tribute and on-air Glee tribute to Dead Cory Monteith has passed, Lea Michele is ready to move on to verbally harry to death her next male victim. According to some anonymous annoying chick who tattles to gossip magazines for fun, Lea Michele was recently at a Hollywood party excited about a ‘cute boy’ who was supposed to show up at the event. Whore! ┬áSome people will say Lea is moving on to quickly from the death of the supposed love of her life. Other people soon will be banging Lea Michele and probably be far less critical. Life moves on. Only Yoko Ono could turn a dead celebrity husband into a lifelong career.

Stop Looking At Kim Kardashian

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 2:26 PM

Kim Kardashian Covers Her Face As She Drives With North West In The Car In The San Fernando Valley
Kim Kardashian’s planned disguise of looking just like Kim Kardashian in Kim Kardashian’s G-Class Benz failed as she attempted one of her first rides out with her bastard baby. Kim recently returned from Paris, finding being away from the ladies who give her reports about her baby to be very emotionally challenging. So, it’s bonding time. Which in the Kardashian family means take your baby to a paid photoshoot. Paparazzi were not thrown off incognito Kim’s tracks, even when she tried to pass as a commoner by hoisting her $10K designer handbag in front of her face. Sometimes Kim is such a silly skank.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Victoria Silvstedt Models Her Own Lingerie

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 1:08 PM

Victoria Silvstedt Models Her Lindex 'Very Victoria Silvstedt' Lingerie Collection
Victoria Silvstedt turns to one person in her time of need. Herself. Okay, two people if you count her short tubby billionaire benefactor and the cash that shoots out of his ass when her tongue finds his prostate, but excluding that, it’s just herself. Naturally, when launching her creatively titled lingerie line, Very Victoria Silvstedt, the former Playmate and lady of the evening employed her own carefully carved body to promote. I suppose it’ll work too, especially in Europe where Victoria remains very popular and being a whore is seen as entirely a practical matter. No different from being a grown man riding a moped to work or classifying ice as a special occasion addition to beverages

Photo Credit: Victoria Silvstedt/Lindex

Ozzy Osbourne Steps Out In A Robe On His Hotel Balcony In Rio de Janeiro

By Lex October 11, 2013 @ 1:01 PM

Ozzy Osbourne Steps Out In A Robe On His Hotel Balcony In Rio de Janeiro

Photo Credit: PCN

Madonna Texts During a Movie

By Jack October 11, 2013 @ 12:25 PM

Madonna apparently likes to text her 20-something boyfriend and social Imams during movies and doesn’t like you to call her out on it. The wizened ancient pop star was texting away like a teen during a screening of the epic true story of slavery and freedom, 12 Years A Slave. When someone asked her to please stop, she turned her cold dead eyes and artificially maintained face and said, “It’s for business…enslaver!”

Now, maybe she got caught up in the movie or maybe she’s just a self-righteous douche who believes that she needs to expose all human indignity in the world while giving herself an entirely free pass from similar scrutiny. Probably a combination of both, leaning heavily toward the latter. Now, back to your cave, Gollum.