Dakota Fanning Three Steps Closer to Invisible

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

Dakota Fanning In Low Cut Shirt Arriving At LAX
Dakota Fanning is cute as a button, but just wait until she’s lost all melanin in her skin and she goes completely invisible. She’s going to fuck shit up. All those casting directors who touched her as a child? Dead. Mike Myers for ruining The Cat in the Hat? Killed in his sleep, no witnesses. Shits going down when the White Widow goes hunting.

Here’s Dakota Fanning returning from a brief vacation. She doesn’t like the sun. Or bras.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet

How Are You Not Watching Nicole Richie on AOL?

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 1:10 PM

Nicole Richie In Low Cut Top At The Today Show In New York
Don’t let it be because you haven’t had an AOL account since your last free trial disk ran out of hours in 1998. You are truly missing one special bit of Twitter inspired reality television programming. Like the latest episode:

Nicole Richie visits her hairstylist Andy Lecompte, one of Los Angeles’ most famed hairstylists. Nicole proves her unexpected hairdresser skills when she advises one of Andy’s clients on how to dramatically spice up her look, with a little bob and a lot of bang.

Nailed it! To honor just how awesome her new AOL-based show is, Nicole Richie went into the Teens Express chatroom pretending to be 15-year old girl curious about sex with an older man.

Photo Credit: Splash

Victoria Silvstedt In A Bikini

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 12:36 PM

Victoria Silvstedt In A Bikini On A Yacht In Saint Tropez
I remember being a twelve year old boy caught by my mom staring at a large pair of hooters hanging out of a very low cut top on a nearby woman. She pulled me aside and told me, ‘You know, not all women’s breasts look like that.” So I cried.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Miguel’s Leg Drop Might Have Caused Brain Damage

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 11:51 AM

Since you’re not 12 and you’re not a girl, you might’ve missed the Billboard Music Awards and the epic moment when Miguel, who I have no idea who the fuck he is, leapt across a stage divide in a spectacular mid song leap. He came up a bit short and brought his rayon covered hammy down hard on some front row seat fan’s head. He tried to play it off by grabbing her chubby friend and sexing her up, but that only works in bars. The damage was done. Now that leg-whipped girl’s attorney is posturing for a big lawsuit according to TMZ and her obviously plotting lawyer.

 “Some of the difficulties she’s experiencing are cognitive in nature and lead to suspicion of a neurological head injury.”

It’s hard to say who to root for in this situation. The Billboard Music Awards were an utter hocked loogie on the invention of produced musical sound. Miguel I guess hasn’t flying leg dropped fans before but the world might be better off without his ‘unique sound’ for a few years. And those girls they pick to be in the front rows of staged musical performances who act like they’ve just escaped prison and have one night of freedom, they’re not sympathetic characters. This is why we need that remote island where people at odds with each other can be dropped from helicopters and told to fight to the death. I bet that cognitively damaged girl can still fashion a spear. We know Miguel can’t jump. I’d pay to see that.

Paris Hilton Flashes Her Panties

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 11:15 AM

Paris Hilton Flashes Her Panties At A Photoshoot In Honolulu
Paris Hilton loves attention. Technically, she loves paid attention. As an experiment, when you see her, grab her ass cheek and give it a good squeeze. You’ll get a beat down. Slide three $100 bills into her garter and give her ass a good squeeze and you’ll get a girlish giggle and a knowing wink from her good eye. It’s all about the context.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Sofia Vergara Cleavage At The CFDA Awards

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 10:09 AM

Sofia Vergara Cleavage At The CFDA Awards In New York

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, Splash, WENN

Bieber’s HOA Puts A Hit On His Stupid Melon Head

By Jack June 04, 2013 @ 9:17 AM

Bieber is in serious trouble with his home owners association, and you know those old ladies and power mad closet cases do not fuck around.  It seems that his neighbors in the exclusive Calabasas neighborhood have had enough of Bieb’s late night parties and driving around in Ferraris at all hours. Several members of the board have threatened to withhold their hefty $1000 HOA fees until someone gets Justin to stop being such a douche. Earlier this year Biebs got in trouble for allegedly spitting and threatening one of his neighbors after being told to behave. Of course, Justin isn’t afraid of the cops. Celebrities don’t go to jail. But the HOA, those stone cold fools will put you in the fucking morgue. Here’s to hoping.

Coco Gives a Keg a Handy

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 8:42 AM

Nicole Coco Austin Taps The Keg At Hofbrauhaus In Las Vegas
Dressed in the standard issue Bavarian street whore dirndl, Coco heaved her mighty dildo against a ginormous keg at the new Hofbrauhaus in Vegas and officially declared the establishment ready to make fat people fatter. Anybody who’s been to Vegas in the past decade knows that the obesity rate runs about 92% along The Strip. Opening a joint that sells sausages, hunks of prime rib, and rich lagers ought to do well. If you use your imagination, you can look at that keg surrounded by a grassy frame and see a rotund person on their back being lowered into their final resting place. In which case, Coco is fondling a dead fat man’s penis, which also makes sense.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN