Every time Edward Furlong shakes hands with a bail bondsman, another woman gets a black eye. Probably the same one who just posted bail for him over the weekend after his latest arrest. At one time in his life, Edward Furlong was a fifteen year old kid starring in Terminator 2 and banging the snot out of his on-set tutor. Maybe he flew too close to the sun or maybe his S.O.B. gene didn’t mutate until his mid-teens, but he became a spiraling downward abusive asshole ever since. By latest reckoning, he’s been stalking ex-girlfriends and selling dignity for quick fixes down on Skid Row. I can’t wait to see what rock bottom looks like. I bet it involves a tank.
Singer Chris Brown was on hand at last night’s Billboard Music Awards to perform his latest single, “Fine China”, and because he’s like a geography lesson come to life, the performance included Chinese-themed backdrops and Asian backup dancers. Brown also showed off a variety of new dance-fight moves, possibly to let any interested ladies know what they can expect on the first date, but more likely to inform any would-be assassins out there know that he won’t go down without a fight.
According to TMZ, the threat is alive and well, as an unknown man has been phoning in death threats to Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. The severity or specificity of the threats are unknown, but if the caller claimed that he was going to slap and tickle Brown to death, my money is on Drake.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.
The 2013 Billboard Music Awards took place last night in Las Vegas, as Taylor Swift won a whopping eight awards to lead the stars in attendance. Justin Bieber performed twice and won three awards, and even Madonna stopped trying to conquer Castle Grayskull for one night so she could accept three awards as well, because kids these days just can’t get enough of the techno granny’s wicked house beats.
Canada’s first couple was also in attendance, as Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger showed up in matching black leather outfits to remind people that they’re the faces of modern rock music. And in that moment, an entire continent wondered, “Why can’t we get Ted Nugent and his assault rifles to focus on the real enemy?”
(Photo Credit: Getty)
How can you not fall in love with this little bundle of joy. He’s a craftsman. Like an expert metallurgist or my Uncle Keith who turns discarded toothpicks into replicas of lesser known public monuments. When Bieber gives a shoutout to Jesus; Jesus throws it right back at him. Only double. Because God loves an ego-maniacal douchebag who’s not in on the joke.
The real loser in this pitiful tale isn’t Justin Bieber. He’s still going to stick his angry little prong into three hot women on a pile of cash after the show. It’s Billboard magazine. That’s a name that used to mean something in the world of music. A milestone achievement award to Justin Bieber? I’m glad I preemptively canceled my subscription in 2004.
EPIC Trip for Two with Private goop Event and Gwyneth Paltrow Meet n’ Greet – New York City
You and a friend are invited to the private goop event, which begins at 6 p.m. on Friday, June 14. You can munch on appetizers and sip cocktails before goop editor-in-chief Gwyneth Paltrow gives a cooking demonstration. You’ll leave with a signed cookbook.
Meeting Gwyneth Paltrow has to be most everybody’s dream. Seeing her giving a live cooking demonstration, wow, just wow. And you can do so, or could’ve done so until just moments ago, on Groupon. But is it worth two thousand clams? Yeah, not exactly. For $2K, you also get roundtrip airfare for two to N.Y, two nights hotel, restaurants, spa treatments and blah blah blah other shit. About $2K worth of other shit. So, technically, the meet and greet with Gwyneth is a throw-in. A gift with purchase. It’s the urine contaminated free mint as you leave The Sizzler. I’d expect Gwyneth to take this news well. She might even give a ten second warning before she douses the room with ligher fluid and sends everybody to Hell in a burning symbol of her quiet rage.
I’m a curious guy who loves his marine biology. If I see a giant tattooed fish with enormous tits taking pictures of itself at the ocean’s edge, I’ve got to know more about it. Turns out to be Latina porn star Kiara Mia. she makes films centered around themes important to the Hispanic community. Also films where lots of dudes spunk on her cans. That’s called range.
Here’s Kiara Mia trying to get in her front door without using her hands. If you know this as the opening scene to Oiled Babes #8, then you watch way too much porn, my friend.
Photo Credit: WENN
Yeah, I guess Beyonce lied about not being pregnant. Or her carefully secreted surrogate being pregnant. Which doesn’t surprise me because Beyonce hates publicity. At least when it’s not about her. When that fetus pushes through her chunnel and Beyonce sees the camera lenses training off her vagina and onto little Baby Stupid Name, she’s going to shit a tooth.