Madonna Paintballs With Her Family

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 6:12 PM

Madonna Goes Paintballing With Her Family In The South Of France
Don’t think Madonna is adopting kids from around the globe and training them in weapons combat just to win more UNICEF medals. Madonna is tied deep into the seventh layer of the Kabbalah mystics. She knows what kinds of apocalyptic dangers are on the horizon. She’s building a freaking Benetton midget army to hold the temple. Also, now that her boyfriend is eighteen, he can use the real paint pellets so it’s much more fun.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Here’s the Chick Who Wouldn’t Sell Oprah A Fucking Purse

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 5:39 PM

The Swiss Paula Deen, the woman who wouldn’t show Oprah Winfrey the expensive purses in her Zurich store, has finally been exposed. Meh, I couldn’t be bothered to look up her actual name, but suffice it to say, she’s a cross between Bull Connor and the plantation owner played by Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained. Our long international nightmare is over. In typical Swiss fashion, everybody in the entire country of Switzerland apologized to Oprah, everyone duly admitting that had they known she was an important black person and not a broke-ass stealing ghetto crack smoking black person, they would’ve let her shop for the high end purses. Apologies accepted, everyone in Switzerland went back to work making clocks and hiding stolen gold from Jewish Holocaust victims.

Some Piece Of Shit Frenchy Stole Amputee’s Wheelchair

By Jack August 12, 2013 @ 5:19 PM

Some huge French dickbag stole a famous handicapped swimmer’s custom wheelchair. Philippe Croizon is the first quadruple amputee to swim across the English Channel. I couldn’t do that shit and I have all my limbs, even if my dick was helping to paddle. Croizon is an inspiration, even if he is afflicted with being French. Well, one of his fellow countrymen stole his special wheelchair while he was swimming with some friends at the beach. There is a special place in hell for a person who steals a wheelchair. He’s asked for the thieves to return it because they’ve robbed him of his ability to get around. But one good thing has come out of this ugly incident: showing that France isn’t fucking perfect.

I am so sick of hearing about how much better France is than America. “I’m going to move to France because it is so great because, blah, blah, blah, bullshit.” A lot of people think that France is a liberal paradise where nothing goes wrong. It’s not like they are as openly racist as an Alabama redneck. Or the fact that there were mass demonstrations when they passed same-sex marriage legislation. Yeah, real fucking liberal. There is also a shit ton of crime there, as this incident shows. ‘France is awesome’ stopped being the least bit believable about 200-300 years ago. It’s time to let that shit go. If you’re looking for horrible cultural lies to pin your ideological dreams to, why not how awesome the Cuban healthcare is. You’ll probably get an invite to Sean Penn’s next cocktail party, even as a thousand more people in Cuba die from catching a cold or stepping on a rusty nail.

Lady Gaga Wears Her Underwear Out

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 3:54 PM

Lady Gaga Wears A Bra And Thong To The Chateau Marmont In Los Angeles
Lady Gaga’s personal fashion designer quit on her last week because he said dressing her a dozen times a day was just too much stress. Also, he felt it was time to hand over the title of world’s gayest man job to another contender. I’m not sure if this get-up Lady Gaga wore out to the Chateau Marmont was his last big lilted hurrah, but it sure got Lady Gaga some much needed attention. It’s only been three days since she was naked on video chanting and humming for self-actualization. The minute she stops being a public spectacle, people might listen to her music and realize it’s the same song written twenty different times. Then, we could have a metrosexual blood-letting.

Photo Credit: PCN

Amanda Bynes Parents Get Custody, Go See a Woody Allen Movie

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 3:29 PM

That’s just what old people do in L.A. and N.Y. You file for conservatorship over your mentally troubled showbiz daughter, then you grab mom and head to see Blue Jasmine for a matinee at the local seniors-filled indie theater chain. However, all is not rosy for Amanda’s parents, because apparently the conservatorship they received doesn’t allow them to access any of Amanda’s money. So, they all had to split a box Junior Mints at the movies.

For her part, Amanda is said to be doing better in treatment. Meaning, her restraints have prevented her from lighting any more dogs on fire or calling other celebrities ugly. Doctors claim Amanda is suffering from PTSD related to her childhood stardom. I’d normally ridicule that but it’s probably actually true. Kid stars get fucked up big time. The best thing to do is hand over the management of their adult lives to the people who put them through that in the first place.

Kris Jenner Is Mad At Obama For Dissing Kim and Kanye

By Jack August 12, 2013 @ 3:08 PM

Kris Jenner hit back at president Obama for pointing out what vapid sacks of shit Kim and Kanye are. Jenner didn’t like that Obama thinks that Kim and Kanye are bad role models for kids. He said that the excess of their lifestyle gives kids a skewed view of wealth and success. This is due in large part to the media. He said that in the past,

 “Kids weren’t monitoring every day what Kim Kardashian was wearing, or where Kanye West was going on vacation, and thinking that somehow that was the mark of success.”

Kris Jenner, whose vagina has spewed forth more evil than the bowels of hell, thinks that they are great role models. Why shouldn’t kids aim at being bazillionaires? She also claims that they deserve and worked hard for every dime they have. She said,

“I find it so odd that he’s picking on Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Well, Kanye West, first of all, doesn’t go on vacation. Ever. And Kim Kardashian is the hardest-working young lady in the world. She never sleeps, she never stops, she never slows down and works so hard for what she’s got.”

I bet it was hard work to make a sex tape and get pee’d on by a D-list celebrity, which is the only reason that bitch is famous. Then she was in a reality show where cameras simply followed her around while she lived her shallow idiotic life. And now she’s hit the star fucking jackpot by getting knocked up by Kanye West. And while Kanye does have some talent, is it worth putting up with his annoying ass? I’d rather never hear another hit from him than listen to him talk about how he’s a deity. All politics aside, it does disturb me that the president has nothing better to do than worry about Kim and Kanye. It’s my job to talk about these two assclowns because I’m not the king of America, or whatever.

More Details on Khloe Kardashian Busting Down Motel Room Doors Looking For Lamar

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 2:47 PM

According to defense attorney, Polina Polonsky, she and Lamar Odom fell ‘in love’ this past June, causing them to spend lots of alone time together at her apartment and various hotel and motel rooms around L.A. The two lovers on the run were ever just one step ahead of a berserking Khloe Kardashian who smashed in hotel room doors at at least two locations while on the hunt for Lamar and his new skeez. I don’t know whether or not to believe Polansky’s accounts but she sure kept very  detailed notes (and reportedly passed a polygraph):

July 13 – Khloe shows up 5:30 in the morning and starts banging on the door of the room Lamar and Polina were sharing at the Vagabond Inn. While Khloe was screaming outside the door and making a scene, Lamar was calling someone to come and get her. Paulina says Khloe charged into the room and started swinging at her. Lamar had to grab Khloe by her hoodie to restrain her and pull her back. Lamar took Khloe into the hallway and,Polina shut the door for her own safety, but could hear them screaming and cursing at each other in the hall. She banged on the door and told them to leave before they got arrested.

I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s really fucking funny. Khloe’s family denies the allegations and the person who pretends to be Khloe on Twitter has doubled her output of mindlessly positive droll. It’s been a tough time for Khloe of late, with losing her job on X-Factor due to the scourge of illiteracy, not being able to have a bastard baby of her own like her sisters, and now a cheating man. Still, you know Khloe can turn this around into a ghost written top seller. Something about growing from pain and life lessons learned. Khloe: Better than Ever. Just in time for holiday gift buying season.

Abigail Breslin Is All Grown Up

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 1:32 PM

Abigail Breslin Shows Off Cleavage At The 2013 Teen Choice Awards In Universal City
Remember little Abigail Breslin from that movie where she played the slightly retarded little beauty pageant girl which got her an Academy Award nomination at age nine or something. She looks different now. Something has changed. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I think it’s the hair. What? Her tits? She’s seventeen for God’s sakes. What kind of decent man would allow himself to stare endlessly at those perfectly round, nubile, and most definitely porn-fantasy squeezable young boobs. STFU. It’s definitely the hair.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, Splash, WENN