Megan Fox worked some awesomely short shorts yesterday in West Hollywood, and it made me very happy, but also concerned. I worry that my penis isn’t good enough to be inside someone this glorious. I feel like I should have it dipped in gold or something first. I’ve already started to fill a syringe with grenadine once a week and then I stab it in my balls so that if we ever have sex I’ll taste like cherries. Just in case.
LeBron James has a profile on “60 Minutes” this week, and in the middle of the interview he casually drains a shot from well past half court. If you don’t know, his team is in first place right now by 23 games, and quite honestly, his team is not that good. If he were a computer, he’d be the IBM Roadrunner, and the rest of the Cavs would be a shoebox with “computer” written in glitter and a rotary dial just kind of laid on top.
I rarely ever seem to understand what the hell is going on, and it's happening again today because the New York Post ran this about Scarlett Johansson being on a strict diet for "Iron Man 2":
Sultry Scarlett Johansson is getting rid of her famous curves! Eyes popped Tuesday night at Moet & Chandon's "Tribute to Film" soiree at London's Big Sky Studios when the "very slim" actress strutted in wearing a tight, black minidress.
And now everyone is going all apeshit because her tits are disappearing. In reality the problem was that Moet and Chandon light a red carpet like they’re getting ready to tell ghost stories. Just brighten the pics from Tuesday are her tits are nothing a push up can't fix (here). The bigger problem is that she dresses like she’s always on the way to ask a church for money ever since she got married. This is her in December. Here she is a few weeks earlier. Here a week before that. Here a week before that. She dressed okay at her premiere in February (here), but oh my fucking god nothing like she did just one year ago (bam). What happened to that Scarlett? The fun Scarlett. I hate the new Scarlett.
This is reportedly Mercy James, the little girl in Malawi that Madonna will try to officially adopt starting Monday. And not a moment too soon. I don’t know what those brown smudges are all over the wall but there’s no way they’re anything good. God only knows what that blue sheet she’s standing on is supposed to hide. What’s on the floor? Is there even a floor?
I was downloading pictures of Kathy Griffin flashing Paris Hilton outside of Kitson yesterday (closeup here, terrifying closeup here), and then just like that the power went out. It would seem even electricity itself wanted no part of this, and refused to power my computer any more if this was the kind of crap I was gonna waste it on.
ASHLEE SIMPSON – Page Six says, “Party animals-turned-parents Ashlee and Pete are having trouble … ‘(they’re) on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home’ ”. The story is way better if you just read, “Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks … stuck … in trouble … animals”. (source = page six)
MADONNA – an official in Malawi says Madonna has filed adoption papers and will travel there this weekend for a procedural hearing. She says, “I am the template or the role model for future adoptions.” She’s definitely my adoption role model. Her secret is to apply to the proper agencies then fill out the paperwork. The old way was not only inefficient, it was dangerous, hundreds of kids died. (source = BBC)
LINDSAY LOHAN – the only movie she's finished in two years, “Labor Pains”, is skipping theatres and will premiere on ABC Family. Which isn’t related to Marisa Miller on a motorbike in any way, but I already loaded these and didn’t feel like doing other ones. ta-da! (source = us magazine)
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I don’t watch “Dancing With The Stars” for the exact same reason I don’t take long lavender baths or have a cat named Mr. Mittens, but Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson is a finalist, and early Tuesday a man named Robert O’Ryan was arrested sneaking around the set. Oh, but he wasn’t alone.
"The LAPD located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim." "He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what."
Needless to say he’s in jail and Shawn is protected 24 hours a day by trained killers. I don’t mean to Monday Morning Quarterback this dude, but he might have been over thinking this. Shawn Johnson? I'm sure she’s a lovely woman and I would be enchanted if I ever met her, but … really? Her? She probably would have gone out with the dude if he just asked. It’s Shawn Johnson. This is like tunneling into a bank to steal their pens.
Rihanna hit up BangBang in LA this week and got at least three new tats of guns. Two on her shoulder blades and one under her right arm (pic here). She hasn’t said anything about her motivation for this, but many are guessing it has something to do with getting her ass beat last month. Victims of injustice often outwardly project their feelings. This is exactly like when I came in second at Mr. Hot Buns in Vegas two years ago. Sure, I said all the right things, I said Marco’s buns were better that night, but then I wore baggy sweat pants for six months. I think I made my point.