JESSE JAMES - is hoping time in rehab and some privacy will save his marriage. He also thinks maybe some aspirin will bring Brittany Murphy back to life. (the ap)
DINA LOHAN - says the report that Lindsay was behind on her rent is a complete lie and Lindsay is doing great. Man, what a relief. I was worried that Lindsay might be in some kind of trouble. Seems silly in hindsight. (radar)
LINDSAY LOHAN - did bounce her rent checks, but other than that, the story about being behind on her rent is a complete lie. So see, Lindsay did send a check. It’s the thought that counts. (tmz)
JESSICA SIMPSON - says women shouldn’t change just to please a man. “If you’re ever with anyone who says you should change something about yourself then they should never fall in love with you in the first place.” Stay rigid and never compromise, that’s the key to a good relationship, says the girl who is divorced and has no boyfriend. (popeater)
TYLER READERS UNITE - and go to College Humors ‘Hottest College Girl’ contest and vote for Nikki (last girl, south region) because she reads Tyler too and asked me to do this. She’s impossibly gorgeous, has a perfect body and does kegstands in a bikini. Not only should she win, they should rename the championship trophy after her. (contest, facebook)
Half of these Kim Kardashian pictures were taken yesterday in Miami while Kim was at work. The other half were taken yesterday in Miami while Kim relaxed after a hard day at work. Good luck trying to figure out which ones are which.
Of course when I said, “who wants look at Lindsay any more than they have to”, I forgot the footage of her falling down last night. Everyone can enjoy something like that. Especially this one. It’s not an innocent stumble. It’s like a Home Alone movie. She hits the ground so completely, it’s as if she was tied to a safe and thrown off the roof. If you didn’t know better you’d think someone was just dumped out of their wheelchair.
And yes, obviously that picture isn’t Lindsay Lohan. It’s Scarlett Johansson, in a new poster for ‘Iron Man 2′. And it’s there because who the hell wants to look at Lindsay any more than they have to. Not me, in case you couldn’t tell.
We’ve learned Lindsay was two months behind in rent and her landlord sent her a legal notice to pay or get out. Lindsay just paid her landlord $23,000 to become current.
What’s worse … Lindsay isn’t pulling in any income and her prospects for work are almost non-existent because of substance abuse issues … according to our sources.
In the few days since TMZ published the story that friends and professionals are deeply afraid for Lindsay, the situation has become even more dire. We’re told there is still a strong feeling — even resignation — that Lindsay will die soon if she doesn’t get help.
The Scarlett pictures are a nice fit for this post because she used to be wild as hell too. She was always dressed really slutty and partying and having tons of random sex. But then she met Ryan Reynolds and he was a real calming influence on her. So Ryan Reynolds can go fuck himself, I guess is my point. Selfish prick.
“Hi Mr, Panettiere. I’m heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko. I’m gonna split your daughter in half one day.”
Yeah so Hayden and her boyfriend had breakfast at Le Pain in West Hollywood today. It looks like she should be riding on his back like Yoda. They don’t even look like they’re from the same planet. That dog might actually be their kid. It’s what happens when their mismatched DNA combined.
You know the phrase “falling down drunk”? Well that came about because drunk people fall down a lot.
In other news, Lindsay Lohan was out again last night and for the third time in two weeks, fell on her ass as she left a party. Apparently she can only remain upright for a few minutes at a time these days before collapsing into a heap as if someone magically removed all her bones.
But before anyone becomes overly critical, if you were hallucinating and saw giant spiders just off in the distance, waiting for you in the shadows, you’d be pretty disorientated too.
COLLEGE HUMOR - is having their Americas Hottest College Girl contest. Remember this hot bitch? Oh good you’re nodding (I can see you through your webcam, btw). Well that’s Nikki. And everyone should go vote for her. Because she reads Tyler too, and she asked me to put this up. So you two have a lot in common. If you vote for her she’ll probably wanna go out with you. (college humor, last girl in the south bracket – nikkis facebook)
JESSICA SIMPSON - says you have to know who you are before falling in love, and that “no man can define you.” Except in this case. And that man is Papa John. (people)
JESSE JAMES - is romantic. That’s why he waited a few weeks after marrying Sandra Bullock to start cheating again. Awww, he’s like a big teddy bear, that guy. (radar)
HULK HOGAN - says he became so depressed after his divorce that he took, “pills and rum, put a gun in my mouth and thought, pull the trigger.” Yeah, because Linda Hogan was such a prize. Looks like not being a loser is Hulks toughest opponent yet. (the sun)
MICHELLE BOMBSHELL - is one of the models used for the plastic surgeon who did such an awesome job on her breast implants. Geoff found this and thought I might want to see some tits. He guessed correctly. (screencap)
JEFFREY DAHMER - may have killed Adam Walsh, the son of ‘Americas Most Wanted’ host John Walsh. Dahmer lived in Miami in 1981, when Adams severed head was found in Vero Beach. The rest of his remains were never recovered. Dahmer killed at least 17 men and boys starting in 1978. Many of his victims were also raped, tortured, dismembered, eaten and sodomized after death. Then the agent said, “What do you call your act?” And Dahmer said, “The Aristocrats!” (people)
MARLA MAPLES - is 46 now, but looks way better in a bikini than I would have thought. In part because I thought she was dead. Nope. Alive. And not bad. (pacific coast news)