afternoon headlines

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 8:40 PM

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KATIE COURIC – says that Muslims in America want their own TV show. Does security footage from airports count? (popeater)

LADY GAGA – is creating a perfume that smells like blood and semen. Uhh, I already have both those things. If I wanted to mix them together and rub them on my pulse points, I would. But I don’t. (fashionista)

FOLLOW ME – on twitter. Or dont, whatever man, it’s your life. (twitter)

JESSICA ALBA – looked even better at that Gucci party in Paris after she took her coat off. So, less clothes = hotter. Hint hint ladies. (getty)

Cheryl Burke was molested

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 5:30 PM

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Cheryl Burke of Dancing With The Stars has a new biography out (finally!) and because a book about dancing would be boring, she spices things up by talking about being abused by ex boyfriends (2 of them) and the mailman who was stuffing her box in more ways than one. People says…

Burke’s abuser was a retired mailman who was trusted and well liked in Burke’s Bay Area community. He would sometimes pick Burke up from school and do odd jobs around her home. The assaults began when she was 5.
After he was accused of targeting other children, Burke acknowledged her own abuse. But, still reeling from her parents’ split when she was a baby, she was wracked with confusion.
“I felt guilty for wanting his love and affection,” she says, calling testifying against him “the hardest thing I’ve ever done … I saw his face and lawyers were asking me these questions and I was like, ‘What am I doing? Did he even do anything wrong?’ ”

Uh, well let’s hope so since you sent him to jail for 20 years.

Lindsay Lohan might be in trouble again, is kind of fat

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 1:30 PM

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Lindsay Lohan walked around Malibu yesterday without a care in the world, which is weird considering how thick her legs look in those shorts, but also because prosecutors are now meeting with Dawn Holland, the woman she assaulted at the Betty Ford Clinic and then bribed into changing her story.

Radar says…

Owen Mcintosh, the new lawyer for Dawn Holland, told Radar, “As far as I know the Riverside District Attorney’s investigation is still on-going. They briefly spoke with my client last week but we have not heard anything more from them relating to any charges them may or may not be pursuing.”

Christ what is there to even investigate? Lindsay bribed this woman to change her story and lie to police. And she did while on probation. That’s illegal, right? So go arrest her. This is serious, this isn’t some legitimate gray area where both sides can make valid points, like in a rape.

(image source = fame)

morning headlines

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 11:33 AM

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SKINS – has now lost so many sponsors (Taco Bell, Wrigley, Subway, Foot Locker, L’Oreal and Shick) due to its subject matter, it’s now in danger of being canceled. Can’t they just get new sponsors? Sponsors who aren’t so uptight? Like tequila, or the morning after pill. Or a tequila with the morning after pill in it. (fox)

PENELOPE CRUZ AND JAVIER BARDEM – are now the parents of a baby boy, with Penelope giving birth the same day Javier was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Actor. Because of course she couldn’t let him be the center of attention for even 5 minutes. Selfish cunt. (huff post)

JESSE JAMES – is the subject of two more Nazi related pictures (as he was about a year ago), though these aren’t as bad. Or as good, depending on how you feel about Nazis. (us)

JOE MANGANIELLO – of True Blood is a leading candidate to play Superman in the reboot from producer Christopher Nolan and director Zach Snyder, and I’m sorry but no one named Joe Manganiello should be playing Superman. Or is part of the re-imagining to have a Superman who wears bronzer and “ice” in his ear, and instead of flying he drives a Mitsubishi Eclipse around. “Hey, hello, excuse me. I’m bein friggin Superman over here huh, so how about you show a little friggin respect.” (la times)

JAMIE CHUNG – stars in the upcoming Sucker Punch, and now she’s on the cover of Complex. I’ve said this a million times but Asian girls are just better than regular girls, in every way, at everything. And Jamie is a good example. If we ever had sex I would absolutely try to get her pregnant so she could never leave me. (complex)

Jessica Alba knows how to dress

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 9:40 AM

Jessica Alba Out And About In Paris (USA AND OZ ONLY)

Jessica Alba is in Paris today for fashion week, and yesterday she went to a party for Gucci in this skirt that showed of her fantastic legs. Do French guys still wear those big Three Musketeer hats? And do they take them off when a pretty lady walks up and wave them down and bow? I assume they do. Hey. French guys. Could you be any gayer.

Vanessa Hudgens for Candies

By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 1:13 AM

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Vanessa Hudgens is now the new face of Candies (shoes?), and here’s a first look at her new ad campaign. Even though they’re obviously not as good as the naked phone pics she’s sent out on occasion, these are the kind of pictures we’ve been waiting a long time for. And by “we”, I mean me and my penis.

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 25, 2011 @ 8:25 PM

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JAMES FRANCO AND KATE HUDSON – might star in a biopic about 70′s porn star Linda Lovelace, which would hurt the never-real-anyway biopic staring Lindsay Lohan. Though to be honest, I’d rather see Lindsay in it, especially over Kate Hudson. This is about the making of Deep Throat, not You’ve Got Mail. (the sun)

THE FANTASTIC FOUR – is down to 3, because the comic has killed off…… the Human Torch. Wow, really? Why not the stretch guy, Mr. Fantastic? I’d choose a ventriloquist to be on my super team before I’d choose Mr. Fantastic. That guy sucks. (la times)

NATALIE PORTMAN – got an Oscar nomination this morning, then walked her dog on the streets of New York, where the low today was 7 degrees. When asked for a comment, that dog said, “Hey Ms Fancy Feet, you realize this is the same thing I wear in July right, can we please go home now?” (inf daily)

Alec Baldwin might replace Keith Olberman on MSNBC

By brendon January 25, 2011 @ 5:43 PM

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Keith Olberman is a prissy little dandy who divided his time on MSNBC between self indulgent temper tantrums and sniveling at the boot of those in power, and it was in this spirit that he left his cushy job on Friday, a job that was paying him 7 million dollars a year in exchange for getting his ass handed to him in the ratings.

One reason he reportedly left was money. He felt underpaid, and probably thinks MSNBC will come crawling back now that he’s flexed his might and shown how irreplaceable he is.

Or…

MSNBC is looking to find a new marquee star for its growing brand, and sources tell me their ultimate wish list is topped by none other than Alec Baldwin.
“He’s already part of the NBC family, has a huge fan base and is very respected for his long term passions for politics,” a network source tells me, adding that Alec is very high, perhaps even No. 1, on the wish lists of MSNBC bigwigs.

Even people who don’t agree with Baldwins politics (like me) freely admit he’s smart, funny, and charismatic as all hell, so suffice to say this would be a massive upgrade over that nerdy doofus Olberman. Olberman could have a story about the antidote for the jar of poison I just drank and I’d still just watch Pawn Stars and hope for the best.