If Miley Cyrus hadn’t already taken the fine dance art of Twerking out behind the woodshed and put a bullet between its eyes, then One Direction’s Harry Styles took care of it at the 2013 Teen Choice Awards last night. As a billion teenage girls screamed with the orgasmic ferocity of 1,000 suns, Harry shook his ass for a brief moment, or at least long enough to make LL Cool J think, “White kids are the weirdest.” And then he went back to pretending that he and Brad Paisley didn’t record the worst song of the year with “Accidental Racist.”
Touching and raw are the words that comes to mind. On Sunday night, Lea Michele accepted the highly coveted Teen Choice Award, only to turn around and dedicate the award to her dead boyfriend. Fox TV had absolutely no idea what Lea was up to, which is why they had her speech on the teleprompter, her cast mates ready to rush the stage while Corey’s famous Glee cover ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ played on the public address, and a obituary photo ran up the stage main screen as the show faded to commercial. Touching, raw, and spontaneous. Oh, also, you can catch the new season of Glee starting September 19 only on Fox. I’m pretty sure they’re going to reveal Corey’s killer.
If you’re the kind of guy (or girl, we don’t discriminate) that likes to watch two grandmothers wrap their veiny, wrinkled claws around the teats of two terrified cows and cackle about how disgusting it is, despite the fact that hard-working Americans still wake up and milk cows every day, then Kris Jenner has the talk show for you.
Elderly comic and Dick Tracy villain Joan Rivers stopped by The Kris Jenner Show last week to milk some cows to the delight of the unemployed jackals at home and in the audience, and I just assume that the cows were shot in their heads or pushed into a vat of acid immediately after.
It would have been the humanitarian thing to do.
Tons of people came down on Tiger Woods for banging a couple or few dozen women not his wife. Also, for texting girls during the middle of tournaments about wanting to fuck them so hard they split in half. His wife had the only valid reason to be pissed at him and he gave her a shitload of cash to help her feel whole again. I side with the people who say only a higher power can judge a guy like Tiger. At least it’s clear that they understand their place in this world. Plus, sometimes, that higher power will actually carry out a sentence. Which might explain why a giant sinkhole is forming under Tiger’s Jupiter Island insane fucking $60 million mansion. When Tiger noticed the floor in his majestic dining room bowing, he had workers pull up the foundation only to discover the soft Sunshine State soil was caving in beneath the home. Tiger suggested choking the sinkhole like the slut that it is and filling it with his big black cock. But, apparently, you can’t get a permit for that in Florida. Though Lindsay Vonn quickly forgave him for suggesting it, and then reiterated what an amazing man Tiger is.
This dude Michael Girgenti claims he blew his load in Kourtney Kardashian during a time they spent on a photoshoot together, just about nine months before her first bastard kid, Mason, was born. Now he wants a DNA test to see if he’s the father. He says he’s doing it for the fake reason that the child should know his real father. Because, what a fucking joy for that kid to learn that his dad isn’t really an unemployed preppy dick but rather an idiot male model who banged his mom in a dressing room because his dick was hard and he was bored. Kourtney Kardashian’s attorney claims it’s all bullshit and Girgenti is just creating scandal for a pay day, though he was later forced to admit that the entire Kardashian fortune is based on creating scandals for a pay day. I say, swab the kid. Just don’t be surprised if the DNA comes back matching the Nicole Simpson crime scene.
Leonardo DiCaprio has a new supermodel girlfriend. He goes through them really fast. Some people say his inability to maintain a relationship with women means he has issues making emotional connections with others. Some people have even speculated that this constant public display of model girlfriends is a cover for the fact the Leonardo DiCaprio is actually gay. I choose to go with the most obvious explanation — he is trying bang the shit out of as many super hot women as possible. You know, like you and I would if we were handed the magic pussy scepter.
Here’s Toni Garrn. She models for Calvin Klein, who is not currently banging any hot women.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash
Kid Rock lowered his concert ticket prices to $20 for ten shows he’s playing at the DTE Theater near absolutely nothing in Michigan. And, then that hometown saint ordered beer prices lowered at the venue as well. Some people are questioning whether or not Kid Rock is being charitable in his economy pricing, or if he simply has to drop prices given his lack of draw in 2013. But, fuck you for questioning his rock and roll spirit. You’re probably right. But fuck you just the same. Also, it turns out that resellers bought up pretty much all those low cost tickets and quadrupled the prices to see the show. But, the beer is still a buck off and you can times that by ten when you’re seeing Kid Rock.