Whitney Houstons death was “accidental”

By brendon February 29, 2012 @ 5:30 PM

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E! says that “Whitney Houstons demise was a tragedy—and a tragic accident at that,” and even though neither of those things are true, her death apparently will be considered an accident. Which only means she didn’t die of natural causes, no one murdered her, and she didn’t deliberately kill herself.

The pop icon’s sudden death on Feb. 11 is expected to be officially ruled an accident, a source with knowledge of the ongoing investigation confirms exclusively to E! News.
And that appears to be just what those close to Houston suspected would happen.
The singer’s family always believed her death was accidental and was not a result of deliberate action taken by Houston—or anyone else, according to the insider.

Not really sure why the family considers this some kind of victory. It’s still extremely likely she took too many pills, blacked out, and then drowned. That’s not a “tragic accident.” That’s a drug addict with a really nice bathtub. Calling her death “sudden” is like this scene in ‘Fletch’. She was an addict for over a decade. The only thing “sudden” was the room vacancy.

and here is the exact opposite of Jaime Pressly

By brendon February 29, 2012 @ 2:23 PM

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Helena Bonham Carter put on her least dirty purple socks and orthopedic shoes to swing by a school in London this afternoon and pick up her son Billy. His dad is Tim Burton, and he has velcro shoes and pants that are three inches too short, so I’m sure he isn’t some weird loner and is actually the most popular kid in class. Especially with the school bullies, who consider him a dream come true.

(image source = inf)

Jaime Pressly looks like a fun mom, MILF

By brendon February 29, 2012 @ 2:03 PM

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Jaime Pressly and her son Dezi went shopping and then to the park yesterday, and they played on the slides and the swings and ran around barefoot and just had fun, with him still blissfully unaware that every male around them over the age of 15 has seen his mom naked and wants to fuck her. The truth about Santa will pale in comparison to the day that dawns on him.

(image source = pacific coast)

Snooki is pregnant

By brendon February 29, 2012 @ 12:30 PM

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Star ran a story on February 1st saying that Snooki was pregnant, and since she’s probably the last to know about what’s going on with her vagina and who or what has been cuming inside her lately, she vehemently denied that report a few hours later on Opie and Anthony.

Oh but hey guess what.

sources tell the New York Post the trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.”
We’re told Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along (and) has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines.

Snooki and her boyfriend are both functionally retarded, but her doctor should have known better. He should have had her come in once a week, put her legs in the stirrups and then flushed her out with bleach to make sure something like this never happened.

Rihanna is sort of a bitch

By brendon February 28, 2012 @ 6:34 PM

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This kinda got lost in all the Academy Award stuff but it shouldn’t have because on Friday, one of Rihannas fans was thinking about the time when Chris Brown turned to Rihanna and:

“…punched her in the left eye with his right hand (and) continued to punch her in the face… The assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.”

So the fan went on twitter and posted this:

“I gotta admit, I lost a lot of respect for @rihanna.. Makin a song w/ the dude that beat your face off is not a good look.”

Despite the fact that she has over 14 million followers, Rihanna actually saw that tweet and tried to explain why she’s forgiven Chris Brown.

“neither is your avi #clapback”

Oh wait no. I guess she didn’t try to explain. I guess she just saw the girls twitter picture and called her fat. And a “cyber bully”. So, whatever. Go Rihanna, be an idiot. Go date Chris Brown again, and then get your ass beat again. I bet the sunglasses salesman in your mall can’t wait.

Natlaie Portman got married

By brendon February 28, 2012 @ 4:39 PM

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Natalie Portman hasn’t said anything official yet, but a jeweler told People magazine that she designed wedding rings for Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepid, rings they appeared to be wearing Sunday night at the Oscars.

Wolf created two diamond rings for Portman, made to fit on either side of her engagement ring, and a platinum band for Millepied.

As you can see, Millepied was wearing the band (which wasn’t there last year) and the design for Portmans ring explains why her band is so much thicker now (before, before and after).

The weird thing is she wore that ring to the Screen Actors Guild Awards on January 29th too (1, 2), so they’ve apparently been married for a while and no one noticed until now. And actually no one did notice, that gabby jeweler ratted her out. Maybe no one would have noticed even now because the dress Natalie wore Sunday made it look like she had huge tits, and who cares about her hands if Natalie Portman has huge tits. She could have hooks or that stabby point thing Terminator 2 had for all I care, I’d still let her jack me off.

Taylor Swift looks pretty good without makeup

By brendon February 28, 2012 @ 2:28 PM

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In December, Lancome had to pull a Taylor Swift ad because they used so much photoshop on it, which is weird because she’s only 22, and, as you can see in these pictures of her this morning at LAX, she actually looks ok without any makeup. It’s a real testament to Lancomes product. Here, buy some stuff that will make you look almost exactly like you did before, unless you know how to backlight yourself and gaze longingly.

(image source = splash)

Billy Crystal sucked, Seth Rogen was awesome

By brendon February 27, 2012 @ 4:30 PM

Movie award shows don’t have to be boring and awful and tragically unfunny, Billy Crystal just makes it seem that way. Take the Independent Spirt Awards for example, which were held in Santa Monica on Saturday and hosted by Seth Rogen.

The video above has Crystals entire monologue from the Oscars last night and then a few examples from Rogen. As you can see, a Billy Crystal joke follows a simple two-step formula:

1. Say some random thing that he’s heard of.
2. Smirk like an asshole.

Rogen on the other hand did things like compare Brett Ratner and the Oscars to Chris Brown and the Grammys:

“Seriously, you say a few hateful things and they don’t let you within a hundred yards of the Oscars. You could literally beat the shit out of a nominee and they’ll ask you to perform TWICE at the Grammys.”

And brought up the murderous Jewish mobsters in ‘Drive’:

“That movie made Jews look so scary I thought Mel Gibson directed it.”

Come to think of it, whoever keeps letting Billy Crystal sing those Oscar medleys filled with idiotic puns might have some secret anti-Semitic agenda too. The hate those things inspire is almost irrational, it’s like some kind of fever.