Britney Spears Has Come Full Circle

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 5:07 PM

Britney Spears At Kid's Soccer Game In Los Angeles
It’s time to stop judging Britney Spears by the standards of a potentially sexy pop star and start judging her as a soccer mom you wouldn’t throw out of bed. Even if she left crumbs and Fudgsicle® stains.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Bauer-Griffin

Auntie Maret Isn’t Happy

By Jack April 22, 2013 @ 4:52 PM

Maret Tsarnaeva is the aunt of everyone’s favorite murdering nutjobs, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev. She lives in Toronto and has been…shall we say…outspoken in defense of her nephews. She claims, just like other conspiracy theorist nutjobs, that the boys were set up. She said, “They made our boys enemies of the American nation, they made them victims of the conspiracy. They needed somebody to blame for something they committed themselves so they got them, so rejoice people, rejoice.” We did rejoice. Did you not see Neil Diamond at Fenway? You can’t rejoice harder than with a little taste of the cantor’s son.

Naturally, Auntie Maret has been getting threatening phone calls telling her it’s time for her to go if she hates America and our hockey playing friends up north so much. She then retorted, “Yes, it is time. We did not find that promise — democracy — in this country. But if I go home, I will go home only with bodies of my nephews.” Please, be our guest. You might need some duct tape for the older nephew’s body. Have fun in Chechnya. I hear it’s beautiful in the Spring.

Snoop Dogg Smokes Out the Howe Twins for 420

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 4:18 PM

Snoop Dogg's 420 Party With The Howe Twins
If you’re like me, you too have a friend like Stoner Steve. Stoner Steve is the dude not content just to get a little high and watch Spaceballs. No, Stoner Steve has to endlessly loop a lecture about how hemp can save the world, how marijuana can cure constipation, and how a multi-pronged trilateral corporate-government conspiracy is keeping pot illegal. 4/20 is Stoner Steve’s biggest day of the year. The lectures get a little longer, the slogans a little more complicated, and the marching becomes more committed. For a stoner, Steve is kind of a drag. Which is why I like Snoop Dogg’s approach to 420. Get high, host a party, bang the Howe Twins, find a comfy chair, and chill the fuck out.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Courtney Love Belongs at Coachella

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 3:32 PM

Courtney Love In Sheer Dress With Cigarette At Coachella
If the past couple weeks of Coachella have reminded us of anything it’s that celebrities have a hard time fitting in with regular people. Even at Coachella, a real soft-serv version of an old school indie music festival, all these over-handled primadonnas simply can’t dress down or get down with normal folk. But Courtney Love can. She’s the first famous person I’ve seen at Coachella who looks born of the sweat and drugs and dirty sex that forms the foundation of any great outdoor public cultural event. She could suck on a cactus branch, tamp cocaine into the bloody folds of her shredded mouth, and wash it all down with a bottle of Jack and the cum of five strange men. And do it all with a blank smile and a ten-thousand yard stare. In fact, Coachella doesn’t even deserve her.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Hipsters Are Full Of Shit

By Jack April 22, 2013 @ 3:11 PM

Let me tell you about a fucked up hipster bullshit parenting strategy called elimination communication. It’s disgusting stench of modern age wisdom that I had the pleasure of witnessing over the weekend. Instead of putting diapers on your baby, you wait for them to somehow let you know that they have to shit at which point you run to the toilet and hold them over the bowl so the little fledgling craps in the commode. This week is Go Diaper Free! Week where I live in New York City, a holiday of grossness spearheaded by the assholes that follow this nonsense. So I got to see a hipster dad, handlebar mustache and all, get the “signal” from his baby at a restaurant, try to rush the defecating little bastard to the toilet, and not make it in time. This kid dropped a huge deuce right in the middle of the dining room. The poor bussers had to help this dickhead dad clean it up. He then sat back down and I heard him proudly explain this EC crap to his party. When I went home I looked it up and I saw this article on explaining this diaper free bullshit. Like I needed another reason to want to punch a hipster.

Happy Earth Day! (VIDEO)

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 2:37 PM

I’d like to call myself firmly in the middle on this whole environmental debate. I don’t believe the end of the world predictions of the hairy angry folk who seem to get erotic pleasure out of predicting destruction. At the same time, I cry like a little girl child when I see pictures of birds covered in crude oil. On this Earth Day I think we can all come together and watch a wasted girl in a bikini make love to a tree. I’m not sure who that girl is at the end that pulls the wasted girl away, but that same girl has ruined pretty much every high school party ever.

Alessandra Ambrosio Shaving

By Sophie April 22, 2013 @ 1:40 PM

Alessandra Abrosio Shaving Her Legs In Her Car In Los Angeles

Unless you’ve got the body hair of an un-lasered Bin Laden wife, men will still plow the shit out of you whether your legs are perfectly shaved or not. Chicks worry about silly things like that too much, dudes don’t care about a little stubble as long as you put out like a proper slut. For whatever reason, Alessandra Ambrosio shaved her legs outside of a coffee shop in Malibu while she waited for her fiance Jamie Mazur. Either she’s still on recreational drugs from Coachella, or prepping for a modeling shoot, or she is totally freshening up for some back seat action with her fiancee. If it’s the latter, fuck shaving your legs for sex, just give him some good road head on the drive home. He won’t care if he feels the tickle of a Magnum P.I. stache. Men are not that particular it turns out.

Photo Credit: INF

Kim Kardashian Admits to Being a Hypocrite

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 1:03 PM

Kim Kardashian Pregnant Leaving Office Building In Los Angeles
Kim Kardashian is valiantly eating her own words. This classy style icon admits that chiding her sister Kourtney about having out of wedlock babies with her fey unemployed boyfriend was a bit short-sighted given her own bastard rapper baby situation. For her part, Kourtney has yet to recognize the hypocrisy in calling Kim an undereducated ass-fisted whore. While both sisters continue to tempt fate by referring to Khloe as the fat one.

Photo Credit: INF, FameFlynet