Human leather purse Patricia Krentcil, “The Tanning Mom”, has gotten her wish and is going to appear in her first porn. Calm your gag reflexes, she isn’t having sex in it. She has a walk-on clothed role in the gay porn series Kings of New York. We told you that this New Jersey Oompa Loompa wanted Vivid to hire her for a pornographic picture show. She said she was way hotter than Farrah Abraham, because the UV radiation has fried her brain, plus Farrah isn’t really very hot, so, fair enough. But Vivid declined because they couldn’t find a single person in the world interested in seeing her naked, let alone her dehydrated jerky parts. Krentcil got paid $1000 for her cameo appearance, presumably to portray the mother of the leather couch upon which two male baristas will plow the crap out of each other while still in their aprons. A true barista never removes their apron.
Here’s one thing no British person finds amusing — making fun of the royals. I don’t care how cool a British person is, somewhere in the back of their cerebrum is some chip designed to reflexively protect the Royal family. When you joke about the Windsors, they’ll say shit like ‘Hah hah, very funny… but seriously, that’s enough, okay?’ It’s like a dude who comes from a family with a notably ugly sister. You’re going to come to blows with anybody who makes the slightest mention of her looks. You have to. And so too must the Brits get all up in arms when I talk about the Duchess of Cornwall mounting my lower half, Her Majesty mounting my upper, and the two ladies facing each other and interlacing their meaty paws to form a suspension bridge. We’ll all be wearing raincoats on that day. I don’t know where those ladies have been.
Photo Credit: PCN
If I’m Kanye West, I’m taking it as a supernatural sign that a bloody stigmata appears on my forehead while on a date with my bloated pregnant annoying lady girlfriend fuck buddy person. The Crown of Thorns wound appeared shortly after a ‘Wrong Way’ sign up and slapped the independently annoying rapper across his big fat head. How much more of an Amityville warning do you need, Kanye? Get the fuck out of the house.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Alec Baldwin will soon have a new baby and forget all about his first family and daughter (hey, this shit happens, you know that pyromaniac children of divorce). But Ireland Baldwin is not fading back into any first family step-closet. She’s got the fame game pretty much nailed down. When a seventeen year old girl puts sea stars on the parts of her were not allowed to mention because of her age, including her tits and vagina, that’s a sign of future stardom. The last time I had Echinodermata on my private parts, I had to get a Q-tip swab of my urethra. Ireland turns it into a positive. That’s why she’s getting invites to all the VIP parties while I’m just going to get a bunch of letters from angry nerds about how it’s ‘starfish’ and not ‘sea stars’.
Well, that’s if you believe Radar Online. Here’s what I do notice looks sinister. Alec is raising his cell phone to a pregnant woman. He’s likely trying to irradiate his future baby with the electromagnetic pulse weapon that once gave cancer to a bunny in a Blue State college laboratory. Also, he has incredibly hirsute arms. Men with hairy limbs are often very bad people, most especially in movies involving Middle Eastern terrorist plots. Finally, that matching half of a poodle set Alec is leading along by a pink cute bone leash looks to have doggy AIDS. In an agitated state, it could snap and infect his yoga teacher wife. Heated argument? Hard to say. But is Alec clearly trying to give his pregnant wife cancer, AIDS, and a Jihadist suicide bombing mission? It would seem so.
Photo Credit: Splash
Two years on now and January Jones has still yet to give up the goods on who nailed her pregnant. One top rumor is her X-Men director Matthew Vaughn. Some people don’t like to mention this rumor because it automatically draws a very threatening letter from the attorney for Matthew Vaughn and his taut-faced model wife Claudia Schiffer stating that both Matthew and Claudia categorically deny any involvement in the knocking up of January Jones. And, as you know, when a man denies being the father of the baby of a woman not his wife, that’s incontrovertible fact. It’s like a pinky swear. You can’t lie about that shit.
** For the record, I have no independent knowledge of either Matthew Vaughn or Claudia Schiffer sticking their penises (penii?) into January Jones and dropping their genetic payloads. Though, January Jones is pretty damn hot and there’d be no shame in saying you shot your arrow into her teepee on a lonely night when waiting another six hours for the mutant makeup to set. Not that I have any evidence that that is what happened. Like photographs of a married Matthew Vaughn mounted on top of January Jones while she begs him to make her with child as they both laugh at what an uptight stick Claudia has become. I have no iPhone 4S pictures of that. Or even the mocking laughter of the coitally entwined couple on audio tape. Nobody has that. That seems to back up the denial. So just forget I ever mentioned Matthew Vaughn barebacking January Jones into motherhood with his pent-up jizz as the cuckolding pair made crude jokes about Claudia’s German heritage. Because there’s no proof that ever happened. It’s silly that people even bring this up.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
Featuring acts like The Black Keys, Alabama Shakes, Kings of Leon and, for some reason, Train, the Bottlerock festival in Napa Valley was the perfect event for Californians who wanted a ton of comedy and music crammed into five days, but didn’t want to deal with the morons at Coachella. But who played when and what is meaningless, because Pretty Little Liars and Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson was there in her tiny jean shorts over the weekend, and there just aren’t enough music festivals anymore.
Ashley was also showing off her perfect catalog model pose because she’s the new face of American Eagle. I don’t know much about advertising, but if you put Ashley’s ass on a poster for AIDS, there’s a chance I might pay for sex in Ghana. So well done, American Eagle.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
Whether or not Kristen Stewart’s schedule being mostly wide open for the immediate future has to do with her affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders is unknown, but because she’s so incredibly boring and annoying to look at, it’s just fun to assume that’s the reason. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson and his forehead have several movies coming up, so instead of leaving Kristen behind to damage any other marriages, Robert is taking her with him to Cannes for his promotional duties this year.
And when they’re done with work, Hollywood’s blandest couple will head to Provence, France, where they will tour some vineyards and camp in the chateaus because they want to experience “normal living”, according to The Sun.
I don’t like to wish violence or pain on anyone, but if someone in or around those chateaus were to “accidentally” let some starving bears or tigers or alligators into the area that Robert and Kristen are camping at, they might earn some big cool points.
(Photo Credit: WENN.com)